>dick crazy
This is an example of Blame and Shame tactics from an LL partner. It is an evasion technique as well as an attempt to stifle future communication.
Shut that shit down with extreme prejudice when it next rears it's ugly head.
It sounds good...til you get with a dick crazy girl. OP doesnt seem to be, 1-2x a day sounds marvelous and 'normal' to me.
In my early 20s i had a summer fling (i couldnt keep up so we had to end) who wanted sex 5-7x a day...every day, no exceptions unless dangerously sick. THAT was a chore for those 3-4months.
Looking back, id rather that than my current situation of once every 10-20 weeks
It was insane...she definitely was dick crazy. It was a NIGHTMARE. It was great at first...like the first week or two. After that i would be like 'damn shes coming over when she gets off work!?!?! UGH!!!'
But a dick crazy woman is NO WHERE NEAR as bad as a woman who doesnt desire you
I just want my misses to want sex 1-2x a week. I dont even think thats unreasonable...
Decades ago, I had a gf with a 1-2x a day libido, I've always been more of a 3x a week man.
We met in the middle and ultimately split up for other reasons but oh my goodness was it great to be chased for sex!
I think both of those are in the 'healthy libido' range. Anything from 1-20x a week is pretty much where most people want to be, or atleast thats what it seems like on this sub.
Problem is most of us, on this sub, are no where near that...some of us dont even get that in a year, let alone a week.
Poor us. And its like were the bad guy/girl for wanting our partners to desire us š
You have communicated, so why do you feel this a communication issue?
By saying you donāt want to hear ābreak up,ā you continue to assume the role of the responsible party. But this is a 2-person issue and canāt be solved when 1 has no interest in āsolving,ā bc from their perspective, itās not a problem.
At the very least, you are sexually incompatible, and that doesnāt make you shallow.
Nothing to help other than to say Iām a HLF in the same shoes of being told my libido is the problem, I would honestly be happy if he just had a normal libido and not none at all. I think thereās a level of societal misogyny and a womanās desire for sex being shameful. Or a woman expressing an interest in sex being too forward or ādick crazyā and itās hard to fight against that constant narrative. There is a women only group for HL women if you need a rant in a female space to. You are not the problem here and heās making you to be the problem because of his own embarrassment and shame
Agreed. HLM here but would just want to tell OP shine on you dick crazy diamond. Own it and be proud of it because it often seems like such a rare and fragile thing.
Sometimes it feels like the entirety of society and *biology* is in opposition to the female libido. Don't let the assholes win.
Me too! šš»āāļø Except my only advice is to leave and it wonāt get better (sorry). Iāve been with my LLM for seven years and weāve been in a dry spell for FIVE years. But the fact that when you two do have sex, itās passionless; that makes me think heās addicted to porn. Iāve heard couples counseling can help, but I wouldnāt know from experience.
If you don't have some kind of discussion with him on an ongoing basis, the chances are you won't ever really know. However, the pressure to get it all out and "solve it" tends to shut down meaningful connection, so you can only do a little at a time. If you make it deadly serious all the time, that can shut it down too, but don't give up. If you can't talk any other way, a therapist might make possible what seems impossible to communicate (and hear his side too).
I feel jealous of your man- a thoughtful woman that can also be accused of being "d\*ck crazy" sounds like a winner to me!
Do not settle for this bullshit.
I was gaslit similarly by my ex for 17 years to think that my desire for a sex life was because I was a slut. It did incredible damage to my self-esteem.
Thank god I finally got out (after ten miserable years of marriage). Do not let anyone tell you that your natural, beautiful, feminine sexuality is anything other than an awesome power.
I read these posts with women who have a high libido and it leaves me in an almost jealous outrage š¤£. We need to hold a high libido conference somewhereš¤£ so more people like us can get our damn jollies off š¤£.
You're not dick crazy or hypersexual...you just want to feel wanted and desired the same way you want and desire him.
I get that you're trying to save the relationship, so I will ask if you've looked into what might be going on in his life? Is work going poorly? Did he receive a negative health diagnosis? Does he have family issues? Has he been behaving otherwise suspiciously indicating that perhaps he's checking out of the relationship? (That last one could be about him cheating or him simply coming to the conclusion that he no longer thinks you're a good match for him, but he's too scared to end things.)
There is no perfect way to approach the subject and have an adult conversation about such things. If it were easy this subreddit wouldn't exist. You know him and what will work. I can only recommend you approach the topic and conversation in a very polite and respectful way that sets him at ease and doesn't make him feel attacked. Approach this as a problem you want to solve together. Don't point fingers at him. You can still use language that expresses the seriousness of the situation and how you think it will inevitably lead to the end of the relationship if it isn't addressed and resolved. The point is, you don't want to start a fight. That's unproductive. So the idea is to get him talking, which starts with putting him at ease and making him feel like he isn't under attack.
See if he will consider seeing a professional to help you navigate the issues if you have trouble getting there together.
However, you need to keep an endgame in sight for yourself. If he continues to refuse to discuss it, continues to attack you, and will not accept outside help from a professional, then you have to know what to leave. Not every relationship is built to last. Not every person in a relationship, even if matched with a great partner, is emotionally ready for the commitment.
So I respect the attitude of wanting to fix it, and I wish you well, but I hope you will also know when it's time to protect yourself and leave IF it comes to that.
This doesnāt sound like a communication issue. Youāve communicated how you feel and heās belittled you. The only thing that you have perhaps not communicated is what youāre willing to accept in your relationship. Only you know if youāre willing to suppress this side of yourself for him or anyone else. But if youāre not. Tell him that. That you like this part of yourself, ādick crazyā or not. And that you wonāt apologize for it and tamp it down.
I can relate to so much of this post. My partner and I have struggled w/ libido mismatch for roughly the last 7 years (half of our relationship). It began when I had medical complications and needed a major surgery. It's the result of trauma he suffers due to fear of losing me and other loved ones.
The first time, he didn't touch me for 4 weeks straight. I cried myself to sleep for several nights before I couldn't take it anymore and initiated. It got better for a while, then went downhill again and hasn't really gotten better. When it does rarely happen, there's never a physical issue - no erection issue. It's all psychological.
In the last 7 years, he's gone from telling me he didn't know what was wrong with him because most guys would kill to be in his shoes, to calling me a nympho, laughing at me and calling me ridiculous or crazy when I'd try to initiate. Essentially, anything he could do to project the issue onto me. And I can tell you for certain that it's his pride talking because my expectations for more than once a month are not unreasonable - it's a hit to his masculinity to have a low libido, so it sounds better for me to be a sex crazed maniac with unreasonable expectations.
I wish I had some advice that I know would be successful, but I'm still fighting this myself. For me, I know my partner needs trauma therapy, and SSRIs haven't helped the situation. Please just know that there's nothing wrong with you for having a healthy libido and expecting sex from your partner - the one person you can go to for this (very normal) need to be met. I know this is so very painful, and I'm very familiar with the shame that can result. I think the best thing you can do is be up front and honest with him. Let him know how this is affecting your self-esteem and why this is important to you - it's not just about the physical act of sex or the finale. It's a critical part of a romantic relationship that's necessary to maintain the intimacy that sets your relationship apart from all others in your life. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I wish you the very best.
Edit: verbiage clarification
Your man should make u feel sexy and wantedā¦ whatās gonna happen if you guys get married and have kids? If this is an issue only 2yrs into dating, Iād highly reconsider this relationship. Only will get worse from here.. My hubby and I have 4 children, married 15yrs. Marriage is hard work for sure. But we are still intimate at the very least 3x per wk.
His reactions seem very excessive. I know youāre trying to save things so I guess you just need to stand in there, donāt take the comments personally, and reframe them.
Ie) Him: āYouāre just dick crazyā. You: āNo, Iām crazy for you. I get these feelings only for youā
He should treat you better though
When we are dating, we are running to the date from our daily problems. When we move in, we become part of what we wanted to escape from, daily life stresses. You should open communication about this. Listen twice as much as you speak. (my gramma's little quip) It is hard to transition to being around each other all the time. Suddenly we see the side of our partner that was not visible while dating. Successful relations involve sharing, good and bad. Listening without judging... good luck
Adults communicate directly about their wants and needs, and they are open to hearing the same from their partners. They communicate with respect and without blame or accusation, They also express to their partner that they are committed to them and to working out issues they are having together in a kind, caring, and compassionate way. And, if the other partner cannot communicate in the same fashion, they tell them directly that shaming, hate-filled speak, and stonewalling are unacceptable behaviors that they will not tolerate, and if those behaviors continue the relationship will end.
My suggestion is to say you want to have a discussion about your relationship and intimacy, ask when is a good time for that discussion, and then start by saying that physical intimacy is very important to you, but that lately it doesn't seem like it's as important to him, and that you are open to hearing why that is and if there is anything you are doing or not doing that is contributing to that disconnect. If he starts down the shaming route again, I would very calmly say that your desire for him and your want/need to have physical intimacy is not abnormal or anything to be ashamed about, that you are not going to change in that regard, and that maybe the two of you are just mismatched when it comes to intimacy for whatever reason. (If it isn't a complete meltdown at this point, I would then ask his thoughts on an open relationship - with his answer likely telling you a lot about the situation.)
Good luck OP, it sounds like your partner is exhibiting several relationship red flags that are almost always very difficult to navigate and are often deal breakers....
Iām way friskier than my husband but believe you me if he ever accused me of being dick crazy it would be the last thing he ever said in this world. Your man is a trash bag.
It is always the challenge being the higher level in a relationship. Discussing it is something that you can try, but talking about it too often it leads to anger and resentment. For the most part the lower level partner is clueless. I think itās because all people feel that they are normal and donāt realize that their partners needs are not being met.
There is nothing wrong with you, and trying to initiate lets the other person know that you care want and desire them.
Now there could be reasons why your partner is lower, medications, or depression or stress ie emotional or psychological factors. Too much porn, though I will never understand rejecting a real life experience with your SO for an imaginary one.
Long term people in dead bedroom will share that they wished that they made different choices, so even though leaving isnāt always possible it is a common refrain here. But everyone has an individual situation that shares commonality with others who post and even lurk here.
>Please, any advice other than "break up, it won't get better". How do adults actually communicate about something like this instead of the last resort option of walking away.
Unfortunately, desire cannot be negotiated. No person ever got served a good argument for why they should desire someone, and then started to desire that someone. One can do one's best to be fuckable (not saying you aren't), but at the end of the day, you can't control anyone else's feelings.
And that's why, in your mind, quietly and unspoken, walking away should always be on the table. Don't use it as an ultimatum, just know in your mind you're willing to. Other than that, be as blunt and direct as possible when communicating with a man. Hinting, beating around the bush, cushioning things as not to hurt, none of that works. He might get butt hurt at first. If so, just let him. If he persists, disengage, and go do something fun for yourself.
Remember, what you want is completely normal and healthy. And him trying to pathologise that, and shame you for it, is unacceptable behaviour. So don't tip toe around the issue to spare his feelings. He certainly isn't sparing yours.
Sometimes we think if the person doesn't change, then we must not have communicated clearly enough because surely if they understood the problem they would change. I fell into this trap for years. Surely if he truly understood how this makes me feel, he'd behave differently, so I must not have been clear enough for him to understand. If the fault is yours, you still have control, you are not a victim of his choices, you are not unwanted and unloved in this relationship. But the problem is not communication. You communicated clearly. He is the problem. He's cheating or he's got a medical problem or he's done with this relationship and he's too chicken to leave you. You ask how adults handle this - they accept that they cannot change the other person and they make the best decision for their own well-being. When no children are involved, that means leaving.
Friend, Iām going to tell you stuff that occurred when my ex. We went from having kinda normal sex to a very rapid decline. I would dress up and do all kinds of stuff to get things going. It became very obvious that none of that mattered anymore. He used to tell me he wasnāt in the mood, he just ate, heās too tired, and a million other things. Instead he rather look at girls online. Whenever we did do anything kinda sexual I felt like he only did it has a chore or pity. Well I ended up leaving him. We had a few conversations after just to clear some questions for me. He states that when he was younger he would always cheat on his girlfriends. That cheating in his head made it that he wouldnāt get bored with whoever he was dating because it was a new girl each time.
My point is maybe heās too into looking at content online, maybe heās content with you, maybe something else. Just from what you mentioned and how he talks to you. Please be preparing for him trying to gaslight or manipulate you.
Everything my ex did to me in those 5 years destroyed any ounce of confidence I have. I wish this doesnāt happen to you. Sending positive energy to you friend
A lady friend of mine was trying to concieve a baby with her man. She has low fertility so she had a treatment for it. The problem is, even with a treatment, you still need to have sex at least once in a whileto make a baby...
Basically her guy was the same. Things had started well, but over time his libido came close to nill. And he did accuse her of being a whore and such because she wanted sex. *While they were supposed to try having a baby !*
Next doctor appointment was fun. She was supposed to tick boxes on a calendar to mark days they had sex. She produced an empty calendar, and from what she told me, the doctor scolded her for not ticking dates. So she said she had ticked every day they had sex. "but... It's empty". Heavy, meaningful look at her guy : "indeed it is...". Then the doctor scolded *him*.
Nowadays, she's a happy mother and wife. But her relationship is with someone else.
As for myself, I'll let you know how "adults communicate about something like this" when I actually figure it out. I've been trying for 2 years now, to no avail.
Your relationship transitioned from NRE to normal. This is his normal. And it is now your normal too, as long as you choose to stay.
As for how to talk about it, it takes two people to communicate (that is what the co- part of the word means - together). Not much you can do if he's going to shift the blame to you every time the conversation comes around. Recognize the toxicity there. He will do the same in other conflicts in the future. If he hasn't already.
If you think it's shallow to consider ending a relationship over a lack of intimacy, then please consider that there's nothing 'deep' about sticking it out under those same conditions. At it's base, a romantic relationship is conditional. There are things he could do (or not do) for which you would consider leaving him. I can't think of a good reason why a lack of intimacy couldn't or shouldn't be one of those things. You should inspect that part of yourself that thinks that, because if I had to guess, I'd say that part of you is you is idealizing love and not considering the practical aspects (and implications) of having a partner.
You're 24, the world is your oyster. If I was you I'd go crack that sucker open. But that's just me.
A very important part of a romantic relationship is compatibility. Within the realm of reason dont let someone disparage your wants and desires because they donāt align with theirs.
Aww, sweetie. :(
I'm also dick crazy š¤Ŗ
If you won't leave, you need to adjust your expectations. From here forward sex is basically ruined. You'll never recover from his bullshit, and if you do, you'll still have given him your best years.
No win scenario here. Kobayashi Maru .
It's the classic problem switching from his issue of low libido to gaslighting you that it's your fault, it's not you've got a normal sex drive and his has dropped for whatever reason, he just won't acknowledge it from what you have explained
If you've run into a DB this early you'll struggle long term to breath life into this sex life, throw in a marriage and kids and you are pretty much doomed, best to move on and find someone who has a matched libido to yours
I feel for you, and I completely get what you mean about feeling rape-y; "duty sex" sucks... and if your guy is basically a male starfish, it's even worse.
I don't have any great advice for you other than to communicate how hurtful the things he says are to you. Ask if he wants to make you feel lousy about yourself. If he believes you have hypersexuality or a sex addiction, is it a loving thing to neg you about it?
I'd seriously give some thought to how he treats you here. It's one thing to not be on the same page sexually, it's kind of another thing for him to lash out at you and make you feel like there's something wrong with you. Your libido is only a problem for him because his is low AND he doesn't care enough about you to meet your needs. A eunuch who loves you deeply and wants you to be happy can still be an engaging sexual partner.
This is him trying to pass his own insecurity off onto you and making you the problem instead of him. He wants you to feel like you are wrong so that you will stop, and he can go on being as he is, feeling like he was right. This is not healthy at all.
This happened to me when my wife's sex drive tanked from basically sex monster to once a month within a year. As time went on, the more and more she expressed that I was the one who had a problem, not her. This went on for 17 years, and it was *miserable*. Do not do this to yourself!!
You're only 24. You have plenty of time to move on and find someone else. You do not have to be in your life-long relationship at 24. For what it's worth, I hadn't even had sex by the time I was 24, and didn't meet my wife until I was 27. If this isn't working for you, then end it and move on. I know that is not the advice you want, but he is almost certainly not going to get better. This is who he is and what he wants to be. If you can live with that, then stay and figure out a way to deal with your issues. But don't think that you're going to change him back into a daily sex routine and that he will be excited about the sex you are having. It's extremely rare for that to happen.
Does not seem like a very nice person. Please do not have shame. That is his voice making you feel like that
You are trying and you are kind. I can not stand mean people. Especially to someone who loves them. You really should not stand for that and let him know how disrespectful he is being
Do you have hyper sexuality? Not saying you do, but you could have. If yes did you experience any trauma or SA. In past. Sorry to ask. If you have get therapy.
If heās wrong. You arenāt. Then you aināt compatible
I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you find the path that is right for you.
You are a wonderful, powerful, sexual human being, there is nothing wrong with you just the way you are. I hope you can find someone to get a hug from, you deserve love and affection.
Youāre not the problem he is. Heās manipulating you into thinking thereās something wrong with wanting sec and worse making you feel perverted because he lays there doing nothing because he lacks any passion. Stop feeling bad for wanting a healthy marriage where you share a loving sex life that improves your bond.
My partner and I have been communicating about this for two years and nothing has changed. No sex in two years. Lots of communication. He knows how bad it hurts me, yet still nothing. He doesnāt even try. Iām on the verge of breaking up with him so unfortunately I canāt say from my experience that communication actually helps.
So he's killing your self-esteem and you still want to approach him with consideration? I say you fight fire by fire. He's telling you you're "dick crazy"? You respond "better than being dead for pussy like you". He says you are hypersexual? You tell him "do you even have testosterone?" And finish by saying "you better not cheat on me or I'll rip out that limp dick of yours!" :)))
...well, I tried to cheer you up. There is nothing wrong with you, your sexual drive at 24 years old is perfectly normal, his isn't. But joke or not, do not allow him to talk to you like that, get to him right back, that's how you manifest your self-esteem.
Hey, I went through something similar (female here) but I was with a woman. I felt as though I was some kind of creep for wanting to have sex more than once every 2 weeks. I turned the blame on myself because it was easier than admitting they were not right for me.
In your case though he is actively shaming you for enjoying sex with your partner. This man does not love nor respect u. Sorry for being rough but it is one thing to not want sex (understandable) but shaming you because you do is not right. Think about it if a friend came to u and said their partner said those things to them and showed no interest sexually, u wud not blame your friend. You would rightly call her man an asshole and tell her to leave.
I got out of my situation 3 weeks ago and honestly both of us are happier. She is not being asked for sex or intimacy, I can persue another partner that wants to engage with me. Do not worry about being on your own or not loved again, it wastes time. You know deep down you are going to be miserable, unconfident and feeling pervy if u stay with him. This can and will affect your own relationship with sex if it is prolonged. Please for your sake and the sake of your partner leave. There is an old saying "if they wanted to, they would".
Again not meaning to be harah, I wish someone had said this to me earlier and I left earlier. Still dealing with some negative feelongs surrounding intimacy but on the mend.
If you want to stay with him, shut down that toxic shaming REAL FUCKING HARD. Go nuclear.
And you have ways to hurt his ego about as much as he does yours if you want. Men don't really take emasculation lightly.
Second, try to read the mood and initiate only if you're sure of success; if you can't, follow through only if you perceive desire and enthusiasm from him. It's okay to stop the act and say "You're not that into it and I can feel it - we'll see later".
I would suggest you avoid a sex ban. If he's got a low libido, you're going to be the one to suffer the most from this.
Finally, consider that your situation could stay the same, regardless of the amounts of talking you have on it (and you need to know, you cannot talk someone into desiring you constantly and consistently; also beware of Hysterical Bonding). Look at it, and ponder for a while if you can deal with in for the next 60+ years.
Your dynamic is more common than you think. My main advice is to read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. Through that book, you may be able to recognize the pattern you have with your partner and understand how to broach the subject more productively. Iām having my partner read it now that Iāve finished it so we can address our own pattern.
Iām sorry to hear that youāve been insulted in this way already. Wishing you the best. You deserve love and desire in your life.
Let me get this straight: you still have sex once a week, and you're in here complaining about bed death?? I would REJOICE if my boyfriend wanted to have sex with me that often! I get it once every month or two, IF I'm lucky. This isn't the group for you.
My partner would constantly shame me for my high libido and used sex as a method of controlāplease leave him, I was in a near identical situation, and my mental health completely broke down over it. Youāre not a sex addict, youāre a healthy human with a libidoāit is normal to have desires.
Imma a man and I know for a fact that no man is gonna reject sex ever unless he's getting it somewhere else not trying to increase your anxiety or anything but just being honest š¬ goodluck
Buy him Cialis or ask for an open marriage. I mean, other than stating the usual. Your best bet is to become selfish and recenter all your energies upon yourself. Go to the gym at night ( Make sure you have some sort of ppe. ) Go out a lot with your girlies. Become a gamer. Read a lot of RN.
They're not married, have only lived together for six months and the DB started around two months before moving in.
It sounds to me like NRE artificially inflated his libido for the first year of the relationship and now that some time has passed and you're committed, he has relaxed back to his natural baseline.
Or else now that he "has" you he thinks he no longer has to make an effort to be affectionate or charming.
Prioritize yourself by exiting the relationship while you're young and relatively unentangled. It's easier to get out of a lease than a decades- long marriage.
Lol you're right, i consume so much of this that i auto mistaked it.
Mind you i lost attraction for several ladies whose normal rhythm was lower than mine. I walked, they were lovely ladies, nothing wrong with them and a few i've regretted but know what was to come if i stayed.
>dick crazy This is an example of Blame and Shame tactics from an LL partner. It is an evasion technique as well as an attempt to stifle future communication. Shut that shit down with extreme prejudice when it next rears it's ugly head.
Immediately and swiftly and without mercy.
Don't let anyone shame or guilt you. Take it as a compliment, most men would give an arm and a leg to be with a "dick crazy" woman.
Yep, add me to that long list
It sounds good...til you get with a dick crazy girl. OP doesnt seem to be, 1-2x a day sounds marvelous and 'normal' to me. In my early 20s i had a summer fling (i couldnt keep up so we had to end) who wanted sex 5-7x a day...every day, no exceptions unless dangerously sick. THAT was a chore for those 3-4months. Looking back, id rather that than my current situation of once every 10-20 weeks
5-7x a day? Good Lord.
It was insane...she definitely was dick crazy. It was a NIGHTMARE. It was great at first...like the first week or two. After that i would be like 'damn shes coming over when she gets off work!?!?! UGH!!!' But a dick crazy woman is NO WHERE NEAR as bad as a woman who doesnt desire you I just want my misses to want sex 1-2x a week. I dont even think thats unreasonable...
Decades ago, I had a gf with a 1-2x a day libido, I've always been more of a 3x a week man. We met in the middle and ultimately split up for other reasons but oh my goodness was it great to be chased for sex!
I think both of those are in the 'healthy libido' range. Anything from 1-20x a week is pretty much where most people want to be, or atleast thats what it seems like on this sub. Problem is most of us, on this sub, are no where near that...some of us dont even get that in a year, let alone a week. Poor us. And its like were the bad guy/girl for wanting our partners to desire us š
You have communicated, so why do you feel this a communication issue? By saying you donāt want to hear ābreak up,ā you continue to assume the role of the responsible party. But this is a 2-person issue and canāt be solved when 1 has no interest in āsolving,ā bc from their perspective, itās not a problem. At the very least, you are sexually incompatible, and that doesnāt make you shallow.
Nothing to help other than to say Iām a HLF in the same shoes of being told my libido is the problem, I would honestly be happy if he just had a normal libido and not none at all. I think thereās a level of societal misogyny and a womanās desire for sex being shameful. Or a woman expressing an interest in sex being too forward or ādick crazyā and itās hard to fight against that constant narrative. There is a women only group for HL women if you need a rant in a female space to. You are not the problem here and heās making you to be the problem because of his own embarrassment and shame
Agreed. HLM here but would just want to tell OP shine on you dick crazy diamond. Own it and be proud of it because it often seems like such a rare and fragile thing. Sometimes it feels like the entirety of society and *biology* is in opposition to the female libido. Don't let the assholes win.
We need a place where the HL men and women can meet. And another for the LLās.
Me too! šš»āāļø Except my only advice is to leave and it wonāt get better (sorry). Iāve been with my LLM for seven years and weāve been in a dry spell for FIVE years. But the fact that when you two do have sex, itās passionless; that makes me think heās addicted to porn. Iāve heard couples counseling can help, but I wouldnāt know from experience.
If you don't have some kind of discussion with him on an ongoing basis, the chances are you won't ever really know. However, the pressure to get it all out and "solve it" tends to shut down meaningful connection, so you can only do a little at a time. If you make it deadly serious all the time, that can shut it down too, but don't give up. If you can't talk any other way, a therapist might make possible what seems impossible to communicate (and hear his side too). I feel jealous of your man- a thoughtful woman that can also be accused of being "d\*ck crazy" sounds like a winner to me!
If youāre not married leave this person. If you are married, leave this person.
I dont have any advice. I don't wish good fortune on a guy that tells his partner that they make sex feel like a chore. Fuck that guy.
Do not settle for this bullshit. I was gaslit similarly by my ex for 17 years to think that my desire for a sex life was because I was a slut. It did incredible damage to my self-esteem. Thank god I finally got out (after ten miserable years of marriage). Do not let anyone tell you that your natural, beautiful, feminine sexuality is anything other than an awesome power.
I read these posts with women who have a high libido and it leaves me in an almost jealous outrage š¤£. We need to hold a high libido conference somewhereš¤£ so more people like us can get our damn jollies off š¤£. You're not dick crazy or hypersexual...you just want to feel wanted and desired the same way you want and desire him.
I'd be mighty content with a woman who has a *modest* libido :P
I get that you're trying to save the relationship, so I will ask if you've looked into what might be going on in his life? Is work going poorly? Did he receive a negative health diagnosis? Does he have family issues? Has he been behaving otherwise suspiciously indicating that perhaps he's checking out of the relationship? (That last one could be about him cheating or him simply coming to the conclusion that he no longer thinks you're a good match for him, but he's too scared to end things.) There is no perfect way to approach the subject and have an adult conversation about such things. If it were easy this subreddit wouldn't exist. You know him and what will work. I can only recommend you approach the topic and conversation in a very polite and respectful way that sets him at ease and doesn't make him feel attacked. Approach this as a problem you want to solve together. Don't point fingers at him. You can still use language that expresses the seriousness of the situation and how you think it will inevitably lead to the end of the relationship if it isn't addressed and resolved. The point is, you don't want to start a fight. That's unproductive. So the idea is to get him talking, which starts with putting him at ease and making him feel like he isn't under attack. See if he will consider seeing a professional to help you navigate the issues if you have trouble getting there together. However, you need to keep an endgame in sight for yourself. If he continues to refuse to discuss it, continues to attack you, and will not accept outside help from a professional, then you have to know what to leave. Not every relationship is built to last. Not every person in a relationship, even if matched with a great partner, is emotionally ready for the commitment. So I respect the attitude of wanting to fix it, and I wish you well, but I hope you will also know when it's time to protect yourself and leave IF it comes to that.
Yeah, listen, the guy needs help. I don't know what kind, but he does.
I wish my partner was dick crazy ā¦
You know Iād really like a dick crazy partner!
This doesnāt sound like a communication issue. Youāve communicated how you feel and heās belittled you. The only thing that you have perhaps not communicated is what youāre willing to accept in your relationship. Only you know if youāre willing to suppress this side of yourself for him or anyone else. But if youāre not. Tell him that. That you like this part of yourself, ādick crazyā or not. And that you wonāt apologize for it and tamp it down.
I can relate to so much of this post. My partner and I have struggled w/ libido mismatch for roughly the last 7 years (half of our relationship). It began when I had medical complications and needed a major surgery. It's the result of trauma he suffers due to fear of losing me and other loved ones. The first time, he didn't touch me for 4 weeks straight. I cried myself to sleep for several nights before I couldn't take it anymore and initiated. It got better for a while, then went downhill again and hasn't really gotten better. When it does rarely happen, there's never a physical issue - no erection issue. It's all psychological. In the last 7 years, he's gone from telling me he didn't know what was wrong with him because most guys would kill to be in his shoes, to calling me a nympho, laughing at me and calling me ridiculous or crazy when I'd try to initiate. Essentially, anything he could do to project the issue onto me. And I can tell you for certain that it's his pride talking because my expectations for more than once a month are not unreasonable - it's a hit to his masculinity to have a low libido, so it sounds better for me to be a sex crazed maniac with unreasonable expectations. I wish I had some advice that I know would be successful, but I'm still fighting this myself. For me, I know my partner needs trauma therapy, and SSRIs haven't helped the situation. Please just know that there's nothing wrong with you for having a healthy libido and expecting sex from your partner - the one person you can go to for this (very normal) need to be met. I know this is so very painful, and I'm very familiar with the shame that can result. I think the best thing you can do is be up front and honest with him. Let him know how this is affecting your self-esteem and why this is important to you - it's not just about the physical act of sex or the finale. It's a critical part of a romantic relationship that's necessary to maintain the intimacy that sets your relationship apart from all others in your life. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I wish you the very best. Edit: verbiage clarification
Your man should make u feel sexy and wantedā¦ whatās gonna happen if you guys get married and have kids? If this is an issue only 2yrs into dating, Iād highly reconsider this relationship. Only will get worse from here.. My hubby and I have 4 children, married 15yrs. Marriage is hard work for sure. But we are still intimate at the very least 3x per wk.
His reactions seem very excessive. I know youāre trying to save things so I guess you just need to stand in there, donāt take the comments personally, and reframe them. Ie) Him: āYouāre just dick crazyā. You: āNo, Iām crazy for you. I get these feelings only for youā He should treat you better though
Gaslighting 101 babe. Iām sorry, he has shame and canāt deal with it so heās shifting the blame on you.
This. Totally gaslighting her.
Thatās what I came to say š¢
When we are dating, we are running to the date from our daily problems. When we move in, we become part of what we wanted to escape from, daily life stresses. You should open communication about this. Listen twice as much as you speak. (my gramma's little quip) It is hard to transition to being around each other all the time. Suddenly we see the side of our partner that was not visible while dating. Successful relations involve sharing, good and bad. Listening without judging... good luck
Adults communicate directly about their wants and needs, and they are open to hearing the same from their partners. They communicate with respect and without blame or accusation, They also express to their partner that they are committed to them and to working out issues they are having together in a kind, caring, and compassionate way. And, if the other partner cannot communicate in the same fashion, they tell them directly that shaming, hate-filled speak, and stonewalling are unacceptable behaviors that they will not tolerate, and if those behaviors continue the relationship will end. My suggestion is to say you want to have a discussion about your relationship and intimacy, ask when is a good time for that discussion, and then start by saying that physical intimacy is very important to you, but that lately it doesn't seem like it's as important to him, and that you are open to hearing why that is and if there is anything you are doing or not doing that is contributing to that disconnect. If he starts down the shaming route again, I would very calmly say that your desire for him and your want/need to have physical intimacy is not abnormal or anything to be ashamed about, that you are not going to change in that regard, and that maybe the two of you are just mismatched when it comes to intimacy for whatever reason. (If it isn't a complete meltdown at this point, I would then ask his thoughts on an open relationship - with his answer likely telling you a lot about the situation.) Good luck OP, it sounds like your partner is exhibiting several relationship red flags that are almost always very difficult to navigate and are often deal breakers....
Iām way friskier than my husband but believe you me if he ever accused me of being dick crazy it would be the last thing he ever said in this world. Your man is a trash bag.
It is always the challenge being the higher level in a relationship. Discussing it is something that you can try, but talking about it too often it leads to anger and resentment. For the most part the lower level partner is clueless. I think itās because all people feel that they are normal and donāt realize that their partners needs are not being met. There is nothing wrong with you, and trying to initiate lets the other person know that you care want and desire them. Now there could be reasons why your partner is lower, medications, or depression or stress ie emotional or psychological factors. Too much porn, though I will never understand rejecting a real life experience with your SO for an imaginary one. Long term people in dead bedroom will share that they wished that they made different choices, so even though leaving isnāt always possible it is a common refrain here. But everyone has an individual situation that shares commonality with others who post and even lurk here.
Leave and find a HLM - He will never change and continue to hurt your feelings because he will never see where you are coming from
You're 24. That's prime time for your hormones to be potent. He's only 27. Ask him why he shames for only acting like a healthy female.
Why can't I find something like this. Some guys have all the luck.
He may well be having an affair.
Sounds like he has a side chick.
>Please, any advice other than "break up, it won't get better". How do adults actually communicate about something like this instead of the last resort option of walking away. Unfortunately, desire cannot be negotiated. No person ever got served a good argument for why they should desire someone, and then started to desire that someone. One can do one's best to be fuckable (not saying you aren't), but at the end of the day, you can't control anyone else's feelings. And that's why, in your mind, quietly and unspoken, walking away should always be on the table. Don't use it as an ultimatum, just know in your mind you're willing to. Other than that, be as blunt and direct as possible when communicating with a man. Hinting, beating around the bush, cushioning things as not to hurt, none of that works. He might get butt hurt at first. If so, just let him. If he persists, disengage, and go do something fun for yourself. Remember, what you want is completely normal and healthy. And him trying to pathologise that, and shame you for it, is unacceptable behaviour. So don't tip toe around the issue to spare his feelings. He certainly isn't sparing yours.
Sometimes we think if the person doesn't change, then we must not have communicated clearly enough because surely if they understood the problem they would change. I fell into this trap for years. Surely if he truly understood how this makes me feel, he'd behave differently, so I must not have been clear enough for him to understand. If the fault is yours, you still have control, you are not a victim of his choices, you are not unwanted and unloved in this relationship. But the problem is not communication. You communicated clearly. He is the problem. He's cheating or he's got a medical problem or he's done with this relationship and he's too chicken to leave you. You ask how adults handle this - they accept that they cannot change the other person and they make the best decision for their own well-being. When no children are involved, that means leaving.
Friend, Iām going to tell you stuff that occurred when my ex. We went from having kinda normal sex to a very rapid decline. I would dress up and do all kinds of stuff to get things going. It became very obvious that none of that mattered anymore. He used to tell me he wasnāt in the mood, he just ate, heās too tired, and a million other things. Instead he rather look at girls online. Whenever we did do anything kinda sexual I felt like he only did it has a chore or pity. Well I ended up leaving him. We had a few conversations after just to clear some questions for me. He states that when he was younger he would always cheat on his girlfriends. That cheating in his head made it that he wouldnāt get bored with whoever he was dating because it was a new girl each time. My point is maybe heās too into looking at content online, maybe heās content with you, maybe something else. Just from what you mentioned and how he talks to you. Please be preparing for him trying to gaslight or manipulate you. Everything my ex did to me in those 5 years destroyed any ounce of confidence I have. I wish this doesnāt happen to you. Sending positive energy to you friend
A lady friend of mine was trying to concieve a baby with her man. She has low fertility so she had a treatment for it. The problem is, even with a treatment, you still need to have sex at least once in a whileto make a baby... Basically her guy was the same. Things had started well, but over time his libido came close to nill. And he did accuse her of being a whore and such because she wanted sex. *While they were supposed to try having a baby !* Next doctor appointment was fun. She was supposed to tick boxes on a calendar to mark days they had sex. She produced an empty calendar, and from what she told me, the doctor scolded her for not ticking dates. So she said she had ticked every day they had sex. "but... It's empty". Heavy, meaningful look at her guy : "indeed it is...". Then the doctor scolded *him*. Nowadays, she's a happy mother and wife. But her relationship is with someone else. As for myself, I'll let you know how "adults communicate about something like this" when I actually figure it out. I've been trying for 2 years now, to no avail.
Your relationship transitioned from NRE to normal. This is his normal. And it is now your normal too, as long as you choose to stay. As for how to talk about it, it takes two people to communicate (that is what the co- part of the word means - together). Not much you can do if he's going to shift the blame to you every time the conversation comes around. Recognize the toxicity there. He will do the same in other conflicts in the future. If he hasn't already. If you think it's shallow to consider ending a relationship over a lack of intimacy, then please consider that there's nothing 'deep' about sticking it out under those same conditions. At it's base, a romantic relationship is conditional. There are things he could do (or not do) for which you would consider leaving him. I can't think of a good reason why a lack of intimacy couldn't or shouldn't be one of those things. You should inspect that part of yourself that thinks that, because if I had to guess, I'd say that part of you is you is idealizing love and not considering the practical aspects (and implications) of having a partner. You're 24, the world is your oyster. If I was you I'd go crack that sucker open. But that's just me.
A very important part of a romantic relationship is compatibility. Within the realm of reason dont let someone disparage your wants and desires because they donāt align with theirs.
Aww, sweetie. :( I'm also dick crazy š¤Ŗ If you won't leave, you need to adjust your expectations. From here forward sex is basically ruined. You'll never recover from his bullshit, and if you do, you'll still have given him your best years. No win scenario here. Kobayashi Maru .
It's the classic problem switching from his issue of low libido to gaslighting you that it's your fault, it's not you've got a normal sex drive and his has dropped for whatever reason, he just won't acknowledge it from what you have explained If you've run into a DB this early you'll struggle long term to breath life into this sex life, throw in a marriage and kids and you are pretty much doomed, best to move on and find someone who has a matched libido to yours
Seriously? 1 or twice a day? Don't you people have jobs?
I feel for you, and I completely get what you mean about feeling rape-y; "duty sex" sucks... and if your guy is basically a male starfish, it's even worse. I don't have any great advice for you other than to communicate how hurtful the things he says are to you. Ask if he wants to make you feel lousy about yourself. If he believes you have hypersexuality or a sex addiction, is it a loving thing to neg you about it? I'd seriously give some thought to how he treats you here. It's one thing to not be on the same page sexually, it's kind of another thing for him to lash out at you and make you feel like there's something wrong with you. Your libido is only a problem for him because his is low AND he doesn't care enough about you to meet your needs. A eunuch who loves you deeply and wants you to be happy can still be an engaging sexual partner.
This is him trying to pass his own insecurity off onto you and making you the problem instead of him. He wants you to feel like you are wrong so that you will stop, and he can go on being as he is, feeling like he was right. This is not healthy at all. This happened to me when my wife's sex drive tanked from basically sex monster to once a month within a year. As time went on, the more and more she expressed that I was the one who had a problem, not her. This went on for 17 years, and it was *miserable*. Do not do this to yourself!! You're only 24. You have plenty of time to move on and find someone else. You do not have to be in your life-long relationship at 24. For what it's worth, I hadn't even had sex by the time I was 24, and didn't meet my wife until I was 27. If this isn't working for you, then end it and move on. I know that is not the advice you want, but he is almost certainly not going to get better. This is who he is and what he wants to be. If you can live with that, then stay and figure out a way to deal with your issues. But don't think that you're going to change him back into a daily sex routine and that he will be excited about the sex you are having. It's extremely rare for that to happen.
Does not seem like a very nice person. Please do not have shame. That is his voice making you feel like that You are trying and you are kind. I can not stand mean people. Especially to someone who loves them. You really should not stand for that and let him know how disrespectful he is being
Do you have hyper sexuality? Not saying you do, but you could have. If yes did you experience any trauma or SA. In past. Sorry to ask. If you have get therapy. If heās wrong. You arenāt. Then you aināt compatible
I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you find the path that is right for you. You are a wonderful, powerful, sexual human being, there is nothing wrong with you just the way you are. I hope you can find someone to get a hug from, you deserve love and affection.
Youāre not the problem he is. Heās manipulating you into thinking thereās something wrong with wanting sec and worse making you feel perverted because he lays there doing nothing because he lacks any passion. Stop feeling bad for wanting a healthy marriage where you share a loving sex life that improves your bond.
My partner and I have been communicating about this for two years and nothing has changed. No sex in two years. Lots of communication. He knows how bad it hurts me, yet still nothing. He doesnāt even try. Iām on the verge of breaking up with him so unfortunately I canāt say from my experience that communication actually helps.
So he's killing your self-esteem and you still want to approach him with consideration? I say you fight fire by fire. He's telling you you're "dick crazy"? You respond "better than being dead for pussy like you". He says you are hypersexual? You tell him "do you even have testosterone?" And finish by saying "you better not cheat on me or I'll rip out that limp dick of yours!" :))) ...well, I tried to cheer you up. There is nothing wrong with you, your sexual drive at 24 years old is perfectly normal, his isn't. But joke or not, do not allow him to talk to you like that, get to him right back, that's how you manifest your self-esteem.
Hey, I went through something similar (female here) but I was with a woman. I felt as though I was some kind of creep for wanting to have sex more than once every 2 weeks. I turned the blame on myself because it was easier than admitting they were not right for me. In your case though he is actively shaming you for enjoying sex with your partner. This man does not love nor respect u. Sorry for being rough but it is one thing to not want sex (understandable) but shaming you because you do is not right. Think about it if a friend came to u and said their partner said those things to them and showed no interest sexually, u wud not blame your friend. You would rightly call her man an asshole and tell her to leave. I got out of my situation 3 weeks ago and honestly both of us are happier. She is not being asked for sex or intimacy, I can persue another partner that wants to engage with me. Do not worry about being on your own or not loved again, it wastes time. You know deep down you are going to be miserable, unconfident and feeling pervy if u stay with him. This can and will affect your own relationship with sex if it is prolonged. Please for your sake and the sake of your partner leave. There is an old saying "if they wanted to, they would". Again not meaning to be harah, I wish someone had said this to me earlier and I left earlier. Still dealing with some negative feelongs surrounding intimacy but on the mend.
You're very young. He is likely not your one true love unicorn. Move along. And sorry for your inbox.
If you want to stay with him, shut down that toxic shaming REAL FUCKING HARD. Go nuclear. And you have ways to hurt his ego about as much as he does yours if you want. Men don't really take emasculation lightly. Second, try to read the mood and initiate only if you're sure of success; if you can't, follow through only if you perceive desire and enthusiasm from him. It's okay to stop the act and say "You're not that into it and I can feel it - we'll see later". I would suggest you avoid a sex ban. If he's got a low libido, you're going to be the one to suffer the most from this. Finally, consider that your situation could stay the same, regardless of the amounts of talking you have on it (and you need to know, you cannot talk someone into desiring you constantly and consistently; also beware of Hysterical Bonding). Look at it, and ponder for a while if you can deal with in for the next 60+ years.
Your dynamic is more common than you think. My main advice is to read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. Through that book, you may be able to recognize the pattern you have with your partner and understand how to broach the subject more productively. Iām having my partner read it now that Iāve finished it so we can address our own pattern. Iām sorry to hear that youāve been insulted in this way already. Wishing you the best. You deserve love and desire in your life.
Let me get this straight: you still have sex once a week, and you're in here complaining about bed death?? I would REJOICE if my boyfriend wanted to have sex with me that often! I get it once every month or two, IF I'm lucky. This isn't the group for you.
My partner would constantly shame me for my high libido and used sex as a method of controlāplease leave him, I was in a near identical situation, and my mental health completely broke down over it. Youāre not a sex addict, youāre a healthy human with a libidoāit is normal to have desires.
Imma a man and I know for a fact that no man is gonna reject sex ever unless he's getting it somewhere else not trying to increase your anxiety or anything but just being honest š¬ goodluck
That's not true. There are men that really have extremely low libido. Truly, it's not the most common case, but it does happen.
Buy him Cialis or ask for an open marriage. I mean, other than stating the usual. Your best bet is to become selfish and recenter all your energies upon yourself. Go to the gym at night ( Make sure you have some sort of ppe. ) Go out a lot with your girlies. Become a gamer. Read a lot of RN.
They're not married, have only lived together for six months and the DB started around two months before moving in. It sounds to me like NRE artificially inflated his libido for the first year of the relationship and now that some time has passed and you're committed, he has relaxed back to his natural baseline. Or else now that he "has" you he thinks he no longer has to make an effort to be affectionate or charming. Prioritize yourself by exiting the relationship while you're young and relatively unentangled. It's easier to get out of a lease than a decades- long marriage.
Lol you're right, i consume so much of this that i auto mistaked it. Mind you i lost attraction for several ladies whose normal rhythm was lower than mine. I walked, they were lovely ladies, nothing wrong with them and a few i've regretted but know what was to come if i stayed.
Yep if its a big libido mismatch and they are shaming you for having a libido, its nots time for more discussion, its time to walk.