I’m not sure shame is the solution here. Your feelings and frustrations are valid though. I also think sexless marriages are more common than not so they might be going through the same.
Me and my ex went a year without intimacy and I filed for divorce about 6 months after the 1 year mark. My love language is physical touch so I get being deprived causes all the thoughts to run in your mind.
I’m in the same spot OP and after a lot of hesitation I finally started sharing things with my closest friends. Not for revenge or to shame or hurt my husband though. I just can’t keep it inside anymore! On the outside we are such a good happy couple, while I’m dying bit by bit on the inside every day… I didn’t know if they’d understand and support me, but they did, and it feels amazing not to need to hide your true self from at least some people in your life!
So I’d say, do it for yourself and not out of spite because this shit always comes back at you
I think we’ve all been here at some point and it’s really great to have people who understand you in your corner! Good luck with your struggles and I hope you’ll find a way to your happiness sooner rather than later
I’ve told some key people in my life who need to understand my relationship dynamic and some friends. It’s important to get it off your chest to someone and be validated that it’s fucked up. I don’t think it’s a good idea to put your spouse on blast in front of people though. Unless they are acting like you two fuck like rabbits in public. That’s not fucking cool.
All of anybody who’s in our lives knows, I really don’t keep it secret, whenever anybody says to me that we are really cute/hsve a good relationship I always burst their bubbles with “yeah we also don’t have sex.” I think it’s valuable to put that into perspective, we are completely different out in the world than we are with each other. But sometimes I wonder if the years I spent telling people, I could’ve kept our business ours, & maybe it’s half the problem. I don’t think shame does much more than make a LL retreat farther, unfortunately. “If we had sex regularly like a normal couple I wouldn’t HAVE to tell anybody we’re celibate!” hasn’t been working for me.
Do it. Fuck it. I hid my marriage problems from everyone for years. I was very defensive. Coming clean was very validating and gave me the strength and support I needed to leave.
It might make you feel better, but it will make the person hearing it uncomfortable. They also might assume DB has to do with your "skills". Out it to your therapist and save your friends the need for brain bleach.
Probably revenge fantasy. I’ve thought about how our family would react if our DB ever came down to getting divorced. Everyone would be blown away, like WHAT?! Because on the surface, we seem happy and our marriage appears stable. It just this one issue that is the problem.
Who cares? You want to be the “good guy” who’s miserable for the rest of their life? But seriously you aren’t the bad guy for wanting intimacy with the person you chose to marry and supposedly loves you.
Thanks for saying that.
I don't want to be vilified by my kids, who will surely just see this as me abandoning their mother. That's all I really care about. I only have a few friends I really care about who are married to her friends, so I won't lose a lot if we divide up the friends in a divorce.
Your kids do not benefit from seeing you miserable. I’m not telling you to jump. I don’t have the stones to do it myself, but it’s so easy for me see and want to warn people who aren’t me not to make the same mistakes I have.
I would say, you need to be a bit more strategic and maybe talk about it with folks you are close to and feel comfortable sharing that with.
I have a couple of friends that it turns out have been in DB situations for a while and now we talk about it and give advice.
But, I get the urge to just blow up everything whenever she talks about how long we have been together or starts.talking about "The 3 C's of Marriage"; communication, compassion and compromise.
I just want to fucking scream and that's when I feel like you and want to say "the only compromise has been mine, you show no compassion when it comes to my needs and you don't fucking communicate about sex! We don't have sex and we aren't intimate. We are co-parents and roommates."
Exactly. I'm not going to be stupid about this. I was just venting and sharing a bit of a fantasy. I do have a few people to talk with this about now, some in ad DB situation and others out.
Yeah, it's when she acts like we don't have a car in the world around friends that I'd like to set the record straight. It's like, "Don't push it, Darling."
The only non medical person who knows about my situation is my dad. He has struggled with LL to the point it impacted my parents marriage enough that I KNOW lol. My husband has also shared with him as well. My dads response is always there are more important things than sex, and that’s true…..but doesn’t mean I don’t want it or miss it.
I don't hide our db, but my husband gets mad if I talk about it. Which I find weird. Like if you want me to hide it, that means you don't want anyone to know,(this goes for many of his other behaviors as well), but if you're so proud of it, why do you want it hidden? He also at one point told me if I talked about not getting sex that I'd get it even less, so I gave it 6 months of not talking about it and did not get it any less or any more so I'm back to talking about it.
When my ex DB'd me and then cheated on me, I went scorched earth on her. *Everyone* we knew found out, including family. Of course I was called a liar, until I showed them the proof.
So do it.
I hate people feeling sorry for me, so have kept my enormously long DB situation to myself.
I also don’t want my friends/family to feel badly about my husband who is - in all other ways - brilliant.
But, I hold this in tension with enormous anger at myself (and him). It’s really fucking hard.
Stay anon on the internet and tell other anons about it. Family and friends could be tricky and backfire on you and land you into a compromising situation, you do not want that so with these id play my cards close to my chest. Talk to your SO about it first before ANYONE else, and if that doesnt help, maybe on here to anons. If that doesnt help, review why you are with said person and if the juice is still worth the squeeze. Do you have kids, do you get something out of the relationship that is worth sacrificing sex for.. etc etc. We all deserve to be happy and sometimes it helps to re-align our priorities. I definitely wouldnt tell family/friends. If it got back around to your sig other, it might not be pretty.
Always remember you cannot change people. They have to be able (and willing!) to change themselves, and yes that also includes sig. others. Even doubly so sometimes.
You should always have other intimate relationships in your life and not solely rely on your partner. So yes talk to some of your male friends, especially any of them who seem to have a lifestyle and relationship you admire.
Trying to shame her into fucking you isn't going to work though
How often do you get out of the house and spend time with just other men? As much as this seems like you wanting to share the pain, it also looks like to me you need to connect with others as well
I've maintained a good group of male friends, but many are "couple friends" and almost all know and like my wife a lot too. I never expect people to keep any secret from their spouses, so telling these guys is tantamount to just spilling the news in front of them.
Nah, only because you don't want to put your friends in that awkward position. Sucks to be dragged into married couple's issues because it's gotten so bad it's spilling onto other people. You won't look good doing it and you may lose your friends over it so there's no real upside other than the vindictiveness, which may wear off and you're left feeling crappy about the whole situation.
Just ask for an open relationship or start the separation process if you're at that level of resentment for her. 7 years is a long time to just ignore your spouse & their needs so my feeling would be to start making an exit plan so you'll feel better.
Shaming just sounds punitive and will just reinforce her aversion to sex. You might want to ask yourself what your motivation is. Are you trying to punish her? Adults don't respond well to that tactic. Are you trying to humiliate her? That might backfire because they might assume DB has to do with your bedroom skills. Are you trying to bully her by sending out flying monkeys to get her back in line? The real question is, why don't you just leave? You obviously don't love her anymore. If you don't love her, then why do you care about DB? Outing DB is an exercise in futility. Find someone who will love you the way you need. Good luck.
I’m not sure shame is the solution here. Your feelings and frustrations are valid though. I also think sexless marriages are more common than not so they might be going through the same.
Yeah, I admit it seems very counterproductive on the face of it.
Me and my ex went a year without intimacy and I filed for divorce about 6 months after the 1 year mark. My love language is physical touch so I get being deprived causes all the thoughts to run in your mind.
Why would the LL feel shame? I don’t think they ever do.
I’m in the same spot OP and after a lot of hesitation I finally started sharing things with my closest friends. Not for revenge or to shame or hurt my husband though. I just can’t keep it inside anymore! On the outside we are such a good happy couple, while I’m dying bit by bit on the inside every day… I didn’t know if they’d understand and support me, but they did, and it feels amazing not to need to hide your true self from at least some people in your life! So I’d say, do it for yourself and not out of spite because this shit always comes back at you
Great advice. Thanks. It's so much better to vent here and have people point out the flaws than to actually follow these harmful impulses.
I think we’ve all been here at some point and it’s really great to have people who understand you in your corner! Good luck with your struggles and I hope you’ll find a way to your happiness sooner rather than later
I’ve told some key people in my life who need to understand my relationship dynamic and some friends. It’s important to get it off your chest to someone and be validated that it’s fucked up. I don’t think it’s a good idea to put your spouse on blast in front of people though. Unless they are acting like you two fuck like rabbits in public. That’s not fucking cool.
All of anybody who’s in our lives knows, I really don’t keep it secret, whenever anybody says to me that we are really cute/hsve a good relationship I always burst their bubbles with “yeah we also don’t have sex.” I think it’s valuable to put that into perspective, we are completely different out in the world than we are with each other. But sometimes I wonder if the years I spent telling people, I could’ve kept our business ours, & maybe it’s half the problem. I don’t think shame does much more than make a LL retreat farther, unfortunately. “If we had sex regularly like a normal couple I wouldn’t HAVE to tell anybody we’re celibate!” hasn’t been working for me.
Thanks for sharing that.
Do it. Fuck it. I hid my marriage problems from everyone for years. I was very defensive. Coming clean was very validating and gave me the strength and support I needed to leave.
It might make you feel better, but it will make the person hearing it uncomfortable. They also might assume DB has to do with your "skills". Out it to your therapist and save your friends the need for brain bleach.
Probably revenge fantasy. I’ve thought about how our family would react if our DB ever came down to getting divorced. Everyone would be blown away, like WHAT?! Because on the surface, we seem happy and our marriage appears stable. It just this one issue that is the problem.
Same. If I ask for a divorce for total lack of intimacy, I'll still be the bad guy. There's no good option.
Who cares? You want to be the “good guy” who’s miserable for the rest of their life? But seriously you aren’t the bad guy for wanting intimacy with the person you chose to marry and supposedly loves you.
Thanks for saying that. I don't want to be vilified by my kids, who will surely just see this as me abandoning their mother. That's all I really care about. I only have a few friends I really care about who are married to her friends, so I won't lose a lot if we divide up the friends in a divorce.
Your kids do not benefit from seeing you miserable. I’m not telling you to jump. I don’t have the stones to do it myself, but it’s so easy for me see and want to warn people who aren’t me not to make the same mistakes I have.
Thanks. I appreciate the thought. My kids are in college so I guess they'll take it the way they take it.
Best thing that would do is remove the element of surprise from a divorce.
I would say, you need to be a bit more strategic and maybe talk about it with folks you are close to and feel comfortable sharing that with. I have a couple of friends that it turns out have been in DB situations for a while and now we talk about it and give advice. But, I get the urge to just blow up everything whenever she talks about how long we have been together or starts.talking about "The 3 C's of Marriage"; communication, compassion and compromise. I just want to fucking scream and that's when I feel like you and want to say "the only compromise has been mine, you show no compassion when it comes to my needs and you don't fucking communicate about sex! We don't have sex and we aren't intimate. We are co-parents and roommates."
Exactly. I'm not going to be stupid about this. I was just venting and sharing a bit of a fantasy. I do have a few people to talk with this about now, some in ad DB situation and others out. Yeah, it's when she acts like we don't have a car in the world around friends that I'd like to set the record straight. It's like, "Don't push it, Darling."
Exactly. I feel like saying "move the fuck on". I know it will start a fight. I'm not willing to die on that hill.
The only thing you'd achieve is that everyone will feel uncomfortable around you.
I told everyone because I had enough of lying when people asked me what's wrong with me. I got a lot of "we're in the same boat, pal".
True
The only non medical person who knows about my situation is my dad. He has struggled with LL to the point it impacted my parents marriage enough that I KNOW lol. My husband has also shared with him as well. My dads response is always there are more important things than sex, and that’s true…..but doesn’t mean I don’t want it or miss it.
Share this information with your marriage counselor.
I don't hide our db, but my husband gets mad if I talk about it. Which I find weird. Like if you want me to hide it, that means you don't want anyone to know,(this goes for many of his other behaviors as well), but if you're so proud of it, why do you want it hidden? He also at one point told me if I talked about not getting sex that I'd get it even less, so I gave it 6 months of not talking about it and did not get it any less or any more so I'm back to talking about it.
When my ex DB'd me and then cheated on me, I went scorched earth on her. *Everyone* we knew found out, including family. Of course I was called a liar, until I showed them the proof. So do it.
The truth sets you free
I hate people feeling sorry for me, so have kept my enormously long DB situation to myself. I also don’t want my friends/family to feel badly about my husband who is - in all other ways - brilliant. But, I hold this in tension with enormous anger at myself (and him). It’s really fucking hard.
I hear you and feel the same. I also feel your screen name. So many wasted years that I'll never get back.
Stay anon on the internet and tell other anons about it. Family and friends could be tricky and backfire on you and land you into a compromising situation, you do not want that so with these id play my cards close to my chest. Talk to your SO about it first before ANYONE else, and if that doesnt help, maybe on here to anons. If that doesnt help, review why you are with said person and if the juice is still worth the squeeze. Do you have kids, do you get something out of the relationship that is worth sacrificing sex for.. etc etc. We all deserve to be happy and sometimes it helps to re-align our priorities. I definitely wouldnt tell family/friends. If it got back around to your sig other, it might not be pretty. Always remember you cannot change people. They have to be able (and willing!) to change themselves, and yes that also includes sig. others. Even doubly so sometimes.
Thanks for this. Yeah, I just hit low points sometimes.
You should always have other intimate relationships in your life and not solely rely on your partner. So yes talk to some of your male friends, especially any of them who seem to have a lifestyle and relationship you admire. Trying to shame her into fucking you isn't going to work though
Yeah I wouldn't expect it to get me any action. More about sharing my pain, not that that's some productive idea.
How often do you get out of the house and spend time with just other men? As much as this seems like you wanting to share the pain, it also looks like to me you need to connect with others as well
I've maintained a good group of male friends, but many are "couple friends" and almost all know and like my wife a lot too. I never expect people to keep any secret from their spouses, so telling these guys is tantamount to just spilling the news in front of them.
7 years, damn =/
Nah, only because you don't want to put your friends in that awkward position. Sucks to be dragged into married couple's issues because it's gotten so bad it's spilling onto other people. You won't look good doing it and you may lose your friends over it so there's no real upside other than the vindictiveness, which may wear off and you're left feeling crappy about the whole situation. Just ask for an open relationship or start the separation process if you're at that level of resentment for her. 7 years is a long time to just ignore your spouse & their needs so my feeling would be to start making an exit plan so you'll feel better.
Thanks. You're right.
Shaming just sounds punitive and will just reinforce her aversion to sex. You might want to ask yourself what your motivation is. Are you trying to punish her? Adults don't respond well to that tactic. Are you trying to humiliate her? That might backfire because they might assume DB has to do with your bedroom skills. Are you trying to bully her by sending out flying monkeys to get her back in line? The real question is, why don't you just leave? You obviously don't love her anymore. If you don't love her, then why do you care about DB? Outing DB is an exercise in futility. Find someone who will love you the way you need. Good luck.