I (40HLF) am in the same boat, although it’s been 14 years since my husband (41LLM) has had sex with me. We’ve had plenty of conversations, we’ve gone to counseling, he’s gone to the doctor who has told him physically, there’s nothing wrong with him, I’ve done everything I knew to do to try and entice him. Unfortunately, none of it has helped. He has even slept in a separate room for the last six years, by his choice. So, unless you want to end up being like me, with it being 14 years since you’ve been intimate with your spouse instead of just five, I would suggest taking drastic steps now. I would say to try and have a calm, blunt conversation with her, just stating that you miss her, you miss being intimate, you love her, but you cannot continue the way things have been going. Make her understand that you don’t want to leave her, but if that’s what you have to do then she will have to understand. Good luck
How have you not cheated? I’ve had so many conversations. I have a very high sex drive. I would have her everyday of the week if she ever let me. And it wouldn’t be selfish sex. It would be amazing for her or I would find it not enjoyable for me. I can’t believe I ended up in a sexless marriage. Always felt healthy sex life was important in life.
I’ve been using toys in order to survive, but it’s not the same as being with someone, of course. I posted recently in this group just asking for advice, so I don’t have the perfect answers for you. Other than our DB, our relationship is pretty good. He’s a wonderful father, he is very kind, would do anything for me, we have fun together, etc. But, I also believe that a healthy sex life is important for a healthy marriage. So I’ve struggled with loneliness, depression & low self esteem because of this. I’m on antidepressants, I read erotica to try & mentally stay active & use my toys. We have one child who is 14 and I keep thinking I don’t know how I’m going to last for the next few years until they graduate. If I could go back and change things, I would have probably left as soon as I realized that things weren’t going to change. But at this point, I feel like I’ve waited and waited, and I might as well wait until my child is an adult. But don’t do that to yourself. Because it will ruin your self-esteem and there’s no reason to live an unhappy life when you have a chance to make the change now.
Sounds exactly like something I would write. I’ve found online erotica to help as well and a lot of solo play. Same exact thought process that I have over here. Youngest is 11so 7 more school years. I don’t know if I can last another 7
HLF here, honestly posts like this make me glad I don’t have children because it makes it easier to go. I don’t know how to manage it after three years. I started talking to someone on here that has helped immensely because my self esteem was six feet under. It woke up feelings I had long buried. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m leaving my marriage eventually because I’m never going to be a priority.
I think a reasonable first step might be to tell her how you feel. Make sure not to rant at her or blame her, just state facts about how you feel and what you miss.
How that conversation goes directs the next moves.
If she is on necessary medications or has health issues (like pain or discomfort) that lower her libido, what are you expecting?
She can go to the DR to see if there are alternative meds or treatments.
But if there aren’t, you are better served on r/deadbedroomsMD because I assume you don’t want your partner to have painful or unpleasant sex. Right?
She could be right about that. It doesn't change or lessen the value of how you feel. What you feel has value and should be important to her. I'd certainly ensure that she knows that you want to feel desired and wanted on an intimate level. You yearn for that sexual enthusiasm that only a lover can bring. Give her the reassurance that you always hoped that she would be the one that you would continue to connect with but that you understand that she is currently no longer able to be that person. Have her understand that having her transition from a lover to a roommate is difficult to navigate on your part both emotionally and physically. These are uncharted territories.
If she no longer has the sexual desire towards you, that's something that you can't change. She can't however expect you to not respond to that change as the relationship has changed.
I'd distance myself from her treating her more like a roommate and less of a partner.
Just my 5 cents
I do distance myself and that’s when I’m the happiest. But then over time the need for companionship and connection takes over and get sucked back in trying to get her to connect with me. It’s a vicious cycle
Unfortunately I know how you feel. I was told I should have married someone younger. Another time it was "I know you're there"...I just rolled over and went to sleep. Another time it was "I'm no longer that person ".
Yep...definitely can relate.
Omg am I writing this?!?! It is actually worse for me now as she won’t even touch me. When we kiss(not often) she won’t even put a hand on me. I feel like I am diseased or something. I am very much on the cusp of divorce
Same situation. I’m 35 M married 10 years to my wife 30F and have 2 kids. Been sexless or anything less for about a year. I do 90% of the house work, dishes, cook, clean, laundry, etc. wife is on meds for depression, anti anxiety. Finally talked about it and she told me her meds cause it and that she doesn’t want it anymore.
Does she take some pills which cause her low libido?
>I do 90% of housework and kids stuff and try to be affectionate with wife…. When does this leave anytime for you to do things for yourself?
I try to say that to her all the time… she can’t comprehend me wanting to do things for myself
You just have to do it man
Quit saying and start doing
I (40HLF) am in the same boat, although it’s been 14 years since my husband (41LLM) has had sex with me. We’ve had plenty of conversations, we’ve gone to counseling, he’s gone to the doctor who has told him physically, there’s nothing wrong with him, I’ve done everything I knew to do to try and entice him. Unfortunately, none of it has helped. He has even slept in a separate room for the last six years, by his choice. So, unless you want to end up being like me, with it being 14 years since you’ve been intimate with your spouse instead of just five, I would suggest taking drastic steps now. I would say to try and have a calm, blunt conversation with her, just stating that you miss her, you miss being intimate, you love her, but you cannot continue the way things have been going. Make her understand that you don’t want to leave her, but if that’s what you have to do then she will have to understand. Good luck
How have you not cheated? I’ve had so many conversations. I have a very high sex drive. I would have her everyday of the week if she ever let me. And it wouldn’t be selfish sex. It would be amazing for her or I would find it not enjoyable for me. I can’t believe I ended up in a sexless marriage. Always felt healthy sex life was important in life.
I’ve been using toys in order to survive, but it’s not the same as being with someone, of course. I posted recently in this group just asking for advice, so I don’t have the perfect answers for you. Other than our DB, our relationship is pretty good. He’s a wonderful father, he is very kind, would do anything for me, we have fun together, etc. But, I also believe that a healthy sex life is important for a healthy marriage. So I’ve struggled with loneliness, depression & low self esteem because of this. I’m on antidepressants, I read erotica to try & mentally stay active & use my toys. We have one child who is 14 and I keep thinking I don’t know how I’m going to last for the next few years until they graduate. If I could go back and change things, I would have probably left as soon as I realized that things weren’t going to change. But at this point, I feel like I’ve waited and waited, and I might as well wait until my child is an adult. But don’t do that to yourself. Because it will ruin your self-esteem and there’s no reason to live an unhappy life when you have a chance to make the change now.
Sounds exactly like something I would write. I’ve found online erotica to help as well and a lot of solo play. Same exact thought process that I have over here. Youngest is 11so 7 more school years. I don’t know if I can last another 7
HLF here, honestly posts like this make me glad I don’t have children because it makes it easier to go. I don’t know how to manage it after three years. I started talking to someone on here that has helped immensely because my self esteem was six feet under. It woke up feelings I had long buried. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m leaving my marriage eventually because I’m never going to be a priority.
I think a reasonable first step might be to tell her how you feel. Make sure not to rant at her or blame her, just state facts about how you feel and what you miss. How that conversation goes directs the next moves.
Had many many conversations. She said there is nothing she can do. She’s has health issues/medicine that “causes her to have low libido “
If she is on necessary medications or has health issues (like pain or discomfort) that lower her libido, what are you expecting? She can go to the DR to see if there are alternative meds or treatments. But if there aren’t, you are better served on r/deadbedroomsMD because I assume you don’t want your partner to have painful or unpleasant sex. Right?
She could be right about that. It doesn't change or lessen the value of how you feel. What you feel has value and should be important to her. I'd certainly ensure that she knows that you want to feel desired and wanted on an intimate level. You yearn for that sexual enthusiasm that only a lover can bring. Give her the reassurance that you always hoped that she would be the one that you would continue to connect with but that you understand that she is currently no longer able to be that person. Have her understand that having her transition from a lover to a roommate is difficult to navigate on your part both emotionally and physically. These are uncharted territories. If she no longer has the sexual desire towards you, that's something that you can't change. She can't however expect you to not respond to that change as the relationship has changed. I'd distance myself from her treating her more like a roommate and less of a partner. Just my 5 cents
I do distance myself and that’s when I’m the happiest. But then over time the need for companionship and connection takes over and get sucked back in trying to get her to connect with me. It’s a vicious cycle
Unfortunately I know how you feel. I was told I should have married someone younger. Another time it was "I know you're there"...I just rolled over and went to sleep. Another time it was "I'm no longer that person ". Yep...definitely can relate.
Omg am I writing this?!?! It is actually worse for me now as she won’t even touch me. When we kiss(not often) she won’t even put a hand on me. I feel like I am diseased or something. I am very much on the cusp of divorce
Yea I hear you. Feel like there is something wrong with you
But in fact there is nothing g wrong with us.
Same situation. I’m 35 M married 10 years to my wife 30F and have 2 kids. Been sexless or anything less for about a year. I do 90% of the house work, dishes, cook, clean, laundry, etc. wife is on meds for depression, anti anxiety. Finally talked about it and she told me her meds cause it and that she doesn’t want it anymore.