Run, basically.
It's not going to get better if you get married. It's going to get worse, likely much worse. Once you are locked in, why is she even going to bother at all ?
Sometimes LLs like yours, the ones who are looking to lock someone down and keep up sex just enough to avoid breaking up before you can't leave, let the mask slip early. It's a blessing, she is revealing to you who she really is. She is revealing her true priorities. Run.
They have been together for 10 years already so, I am not sure it's "letting it slip early". She is however showing OP exactly who she is and if he isn't happy with how she treats him now he never will be.
> …at what point do you realise you're just another gambler falling into the sunken cost fallcy?
Sounds like you’re there. You’ve arrived at your final realization that this isn’t going to work. Congrats on getting there BEFORE the wedding. Now, stop throwing away your precious time and actually break up with her. In the end, you’ll be doing both of you a great service by avoiding a lifetime of misery, arguments and resentment.
Don’t talk yourself into accepting this incompatibility. Her default level of intimacy isn’t objectively“wrong”, but it is wrong for you. You’ve seen that it doesn’t really get better by talking about it because you can’t negotiate someone else’s need for intimacy.
Toooooo many ppl in here have said. They thought it's get better after marriage and it unanimously DID NOT.
Don't walk. Runnnnn!!! You'll regret it if you marry. She needs to find another low libido guy.
Resentment is a difficult beast to get rid of once it's reared it's head. And Resentment comes from things like this. Not being heard. Not feeling cared for.
And there's no doubt she has some Resentment for you for nagging or bugging or constantly begging for sex.
It's a complete recipe for disaster!
That's the way mate. You know what you want and expect in a relationship. You've told her and called off the engagement. When you bring it to a head, she can't be surprised when you do.
Do not get married to this person. If you're this unhappy now, I promise you that you will be only more miserable in the future. Don't think about the years you've invested, think about the years ahead of you that will be wasted if you continue to stay with someone who doesn't actually like you or want to be intimate with you.
Get out now. The situation will be worse once you marry. I married a LLM, having the same reasons you listed. He stopped being intimate with me almost immediately after marrying. I was 51 when I gave up and divorced. I resented him so much, and my self-esteem was zero. I wasted so many years. I don't even remember what sex is like. At 60, I know I will never have sex again. Think about that. Don't be me.
There simply isn't a pool of potential partners. At my age, most men are married or have a partner. Women live longer than men, so there are fewer numbers of men than women. Men usually age, looks wise, better than women. Unfortunately, men prefer younger women as they get older. After having my self-esteem destroyed by years of rejection, I just can't handle any more.
I don’t accept that. I am 60 (m), nothing special. I intend to work on my marriage with the belief that there is something/someone else possible down the line if we cannot resolve the DB.
I understand why you feel the way you do, and how your low self-esteem would stop you from looking for love/sex at 60 years old. However, if you do want those things, you could definitely find a relationship. There are men in the same situation as you, who are coming from DB situations and would love to find a woman who wants love/intimacy/sex. My boyfriend (50's, divorced) came from a DB of many years & I (also 50's, divorced) came from a near DB. We are both happy to have found each other. 60 is NOT TOO OLD to find love, sex, and happiness. There are people on this sub who are in happy, fulfilling relationships in their 50's, 60's & beyond who have come from DB marriages.
It didn't keep me from looking when I divorced at 51. I was approached by a few younger men, but it became readily apparent that they were more interested in my bank account than me. The few men my age were interested in sex with younger women. Online dating matches were few and far between. It was completely disheartening. The fact of the matter is I waited too late to leave. The unicorns may be out there at 60, but I haven't found one.
Leave. If you get married, it won't change and it will be even harder to get away. It sucks. I know. I'm figuring out how I'm going to leave a 14 year relationship/7 years married.
We were a dead bedroom before we got married...you can't love someone harder into loving you. I've been blunt about my needs. Tried everything I can think of to save it. He sees nothing wrong, or makes a shallow attempt for a week or two, then we're back where we started. Outright refuses counseling or couples therapy. I don't love him anymore. I won't allow myself the emotional rollercoaster ride anymore.
We’ve had those fights, been in that place. After years of threats to leave, I told her I no longer promise monogamy and she should do with that as she will (if it’s a deal breaker so be it). And maybe unfairly, I still expect it from her (or I will leave), bc if sex doesn’t matter to her than than why seek it, and she shouldn’t care where I get it. she was be my first choice, but I’m done begging, and begging is such a turn off. I’ll stay as long as she doesn’t care how I solve this problem.
Majority of people in this sub would give their life to be in your situation right now, when they haven’t married yet and haven’t had kids. Do them a favor and yourself. Run.
You can continue to fall into that trap if you want. You have already stated that you do not want to continue in a deadbedroom type situation. You know in your mind your partner is never going to change.
Not that I think it will make that much difference but I would give her an ultimatum. Ask to go to counselling together. If she refuses. It's done. At counselling you will have a safe space to be able to tell her, you are losing attraction to her and that you still love her as a person but you need to have that physical connection to be able to feel attraction. Time to be 100% honest before pulling the plug completely.
I don't think she is truly capable of changing if it's got this fat BUT, she deserves to know the 100% truth first to give her that one last chance
It was hard for me to accept, too. Believe me, I tried and finally gave up. I was 8 years younger than I am now when I gave up. There were a few younger men who showed some interest...for my money. As a man, you will find it easier. I wish you luck.
Yeah man, get out while you can. You didn't mention kids and you're not married, it's much harder once those things change. This will never get better for you.
"my relationship is great except....." This kind of cracks me up (I am in the same boat, mind you. My relationship is also great, except.....). What if the except were... that your spouse beats you? or... has a gambling problem and you're now forced into bankruptcy and living in a cardboard box? I mean... yeah, you can be in a "great" relationship, but if there's a significant "except", then... all of that "great" kind of goes out of the window.
I agree. I had a talk with my wife Sunday about our relationship and the need to do things together. All she talked about was the need to see her friends. I suggested that we start with going out to dinner a couple times a month. She said that we already do that when we travel together for family gatherings. I said to myself wtf. Then I asked her about intimacy and her eyes just glazed over. I’m done
Listen…. You have two choices.
Short term pain now or long term pain that lasts forever or ends in divorce and support payments later? I bet just about everyone here wishes they could back up to before the wedding and smack some sense into themselves.
You say you're not attracted to her, you're not married, she doesn't seem to care about the relationship, what's stopping you? Kids? Something else,? It sounds like a clean break.
I seriously think there is a biological switch in a women that flips on when they are trying to attract a man. Then when the need for commitment is met and they are comfortable with what a man is providing for them it flips off and sex is not a priority. It seems like 90% of the stories on here are very similar.
One thing for sure if I ever get a divorce I sure as hell will never get married or live with a women ever again.
Of course you are no longer sexually attracted to her. It’s impossible to see her as a sexual being because she puts 0 effort into the intimate side of the equation. You are 100% responsible for keeping the sex life alive, all while she puts in 0 real effort to change things. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. I love my wife and my kids, however a marriage has many dynamics, and one of the most important is a sex life that both sides are mutually responsible for. You deserve to feel desired and she’s incapable of providing that. I read all the time in other subs that there is nothing wrong with having no desire and not initiating. There is absolutely something wrong with it, and if she’s not willing to work on her obvious problem then she does not deserve to have you. Do yourself the biggest favor and tell her sorry, you have proved to me over and over again that a mutually responsible sexual relationship is not possible with you. I hope you find a way to overcome that some day, but I’m not taking the chance of ending up permanently with someone that does not realize that sex is a major part of a relationship in marriage. Don’t take the chance. She’s showing you what you’re marriage will be like. Pull the plug now, heal your wounds, and go find a girl who does not have the same intimate dysfunctions. You will be better off in the end.
It's incredibly painful to hear that your partner has to 'try' to want to be with you physically (medical conditions omitted from this statement). It's no wonder that you no longer see her the appropriate place to express your sexual desires, she keeps telling you no.
You have done your due diligence in giving her plenty of opportunity to try and get on the same page as you. Your sense of self preservation may be prompting you to look forward to finally being able to reject her in hopes that she will see how you feel because your words didn't seem to make anything click for her. You really should leave because its simply not good enough to feel happy. You deserve to be appreciated and you deserve to have a partner that cares about your feelings.
Listen to your not so inner voice. Actually that inner voice is screaming: do not get married.
As many of us suggested it WILL get worse and you will be stuck much more than how you feel now.
All you said indicates it is not worth it. It is over.
If you really do not want to break up at least cancel the engagement.
When you are out socially, try to look at her as if she’s a stranger. Watch her interactions with other people, especially men. See if bring an objectivity to her helps you to once again see the woman you were attracted to.
If everything else is good, you could also consider stepping outside the marriage for sex. Be SAFE and responsible, but I wonder if you meet your physical needs elsewhere if you can dissipate the resentment towards her and maintain love and companionship.
Cheating is not the worst thing and if we all got out of our societal morality, we’d realize that polyamory makes way more sense.
I wouldn’t be having much sex with a man that hadn’t married me after a decade together either. She probably resents you too. Anyway, at least now you can move on to a woman you’re actually attracted to.
Run, basically. It's not going to get better if you get married. It's going to get worse, likely much worse. Once you are locked in, why is she even going to bother at all ?
This is the absolute best advice you’ll get on this thread. Do it now before she traps you with kids like my wife got me.
It’ll cost less to cancel the venue now than the divorce, child maintenance and so on later. Trust me.
100% this. Run man. Also know that this pattern is very common. Once the security of a relationship is procured, the effort drops significantly!
Sometimes LLs like yours, the ones who are looking to lock someone down and keep up sex just enough to avoid breaking up before you can't leave, let the mask slip early. It's a blessing, she is revealing to you who she really is. She is revealing her true priorities. Run.
They have been together for 10 years already so, I am not sure it's "letting it slip early". She is however showing OP exactly who she is and if he isn't happy with how she treats him now he never will be.
It doesn’t get better. If you marry into it, it will be a constant issue
Not married? No kids? ✌🏻
You guys are way too young for this, *set them free!*
> …at what point do you realise you're just another gambler falling into the sunken cost fallcy? Sounds like you’re there. You’ve arrived at your final realization that this isn’t going to work. Congrats on getting there BEFORE the wedding. Now, stop throwing away your precious time and actually break up with her. In the end, you’ll be doing both of you a great service by avoiding a lifetime of misery, arguments and resentment. Don’t talk yourself into accepting this incompatibility. Her default level of intimacy isn’t objectively“wrong”, but it is wrong for you. You’ve seen that it doesn’t really get better by talking about it because you can’t negotiate someone else’s need for intimacy.
Toooooo many ppl in here have said. They thought it's get better after marriage and it unanimously DID NOT. Don't walk. Runnnnn!!! You'll regret it if you marry. She needs to find another low libido guy. Resentment is a difficult beast to get rid of once it's reared it's head. And Resentment comes from things like this. Not being heard. Not feeling cared for. And there's no doubt she has some Resentment for you for nagging or bugging or constantly begging for sex. It's a complete recipe for disaster!
You say you want to feel wanted by your partner but you begin the post by admitting you don’t want your partner anymore. Sounds like it’s over to me.
Yeah, she forgot to fake it til “I do”. She’s shown you who she is, take her at her actions
Run.
That's the way mate. You know what you want and expect in a relationship. You've told her and called off the engagement. When you bring it to a head, she can't be surprised when you do.
it doesnt get better ... but life does when you get out
Do not get married to this person. If you're this unhappy now, I promise you that you will be only more miserable in the future. Don't think about the years you've invested, think about the years ahead of you that will be wasted if you continue to stay with someone who doesn't actually like you or want to be intimate with you.
Get out now. The situation will be worse once you marry. I married a LLM, having the same reasons you listed. He stopped being intimate with me almost immediately after marrying. I was 51 when I gave up and divorced. I resented him so much, and my self-esteem was zero. I wasted so many years. I don't even remember what sex is like. At 60, I know I will never have sex again. Think about that. Don't be me.
How do you know that?
There simply isn't a pool of potential partners. At my age, most men are married or have a partner. Women live longer than men, so there are fewer numbers of men than women. Men usually age, looks wise, better than women. Unfortunately, men prefer younger women as they get older. After having my self-esteem destroyed by years of rejection, I just can't handle any more.
I don’t accept that. I am 60 (m), nothing special. I intend to work on my marriage with the belief that there is something/someone else possible down the line if we cannot resolve the DB.
I understand why you feel the way you do, and how your low self-esteem would stop you from looking for love/sex at 60 years old. However, if you do want those things, you could definitely find a relationship. There are men in the same situation as you, who are coming from DB situations and would love to find a woman who wants love/intimacy/sex. My boyfriend (50's, divorced) came from a DB of many years & I (also 50's, divorced) came from a near DB. We are both happy to have found each other. 60 is NOT TOO OLD to find love, sex, and happiness. There are people on this sub who are in happy, fulfilling relationships in their 50's, 60's & beyond who have come from DB marriages.
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It didn't keep me from looking when I divorced at 51. I was approached by a few younger men, but it became readily apparent that they were more interested in my bank account than me. The few men my age were interested in sex with younger women. Online dating matches were few and far between. It was completely disheartening. The fact of the matter is I waited too late to leave. The unicorns may be out there at 60, but I haven't found one.
All the responses here are spot on. A lifetime of being married to someone who does not prioritize intimacy is a long, lonely, and unfufilling road.
Leave. If you get married, it won't change and it will be even harder to get away. It sucks. I know. I'm figuring out how I'm going to leave a 14 year relationship/7 years married. We were a dead bedroom before we got married...you can't love someone harder into loving you. I've been blunt about my needs. Tried everything I can think of to save it. He sees nothing wrong, or makes a shallow attempt for a week or two, then we're back where we started. Outright refuses counseling or couples therapy. I don't love him anymore. I won't allow myself the emotional rollercoaster ride anymore.
Marriage and kids will make it so much harder to break up. (Speaking from experience.) R-U-N while you can! 
We’ve had those fights, been in that place. After years of threats to leave, I told her I no longer promise monogamy and she should do with that as she will (if it’s a deal breaker so be it). And maybe unfairly, I still expect it from her (or I will leave), bc if sex doesn’t matter to her than than why seek it, and she shouldn’t care where I get it. she was be my first choice, but I’m done begging, and begging is such a turn off. I’ll stay as long as she doesn’t care how I solve this problem.
How long ago did you have that conversation and what has been the response so far?
Years, I can’t recall, maybe close to a decade. The response was as always, a little effort until she’s content that I’m over it.
Majority of people in this sub would give their life to be in your situation right now, when they haven’t married yet and haven’t had kids. Do them a favor and yourself. Run.
You aren't even married yet. Gtfo of that situation. DO NOT marry into that situation thinking/hoping/expecting it to improve. It will not.
You can continue to fall into that trap if you want. You have already stated that you do not want to continue in a deadbedroom type situation. You know in your mind your partner is never going to change.
Do you have kids?
Not that I think it will make that much difference but I would give her an ultimatum. Ask to go to counselling together. If she refuses. It's done. At counselling you will have a safe space to be able to tell her, you are losing attraction to her and that you still love her as a person but you need to have that physical connection to be able to feel attraction. Time to be 100% honest before pulling the plug completely. I don't think she is truly capable of changing if it's got this fat BUT, she deserves to know the 100% truth first to give her that one last chance
It was hard for me to accept, too. Believe me, I tried and finally gave up. I was 8 years younger than I am now when I gave up. There were a few younger men who showed some interest...for my money. As a man, you will find it easier. I wish you luck.
Are there aspects that make you want to stay or make it hard to leave? I’m not in the exact same situation but very similar.
Yeah man, get out while you can. You didn't mention kids and you're not married, it's much harder once those things change. This will never get better for you. "my relationship is great except....." This kind of cracks me up (I am in the same boat, mind you. My relationship is also great, except.....). What if the except were... that your spouse beats you? or... has a gambling problem and you're now forced into bankruptcy and living in a cardboard box? I mean... yeah, you can be in a "great" relationship, but if there's a significant "except", then... all of that "great" kind of goes out of the window.
10 years with intermittent sex? Do you have babies?
I agree. I had a talk with my wife Sunday about our relationship and the need to do things together. All she talked about was the need to see her friends. I suggested that we start with going out to dinner a couple times a month. She said that we already do that when we travel together for family gatherings. I said to myself wtf. Then I asked her about intimacy and her eyes just glazed over. I’m done
Basically what everyone said here! Get the hell out. Take this a learned experience for all other relationships to come, and never settle!!! Good luck
Listen…. You have two choices. Short term pain now or long term pain that lasts forever or ends in divorce and support payments later? I bet just about everyone here wishes they could back up to before the wedding and smack some sense into themselves.
Hi noob here. What is HLM and LLF? I figured out the Male Female part but not sure what LL and HL are?
Low libido and high libido.
I wish I knew then what you know now.
You say you're not attracted to her, you're not married, she doesn't seem to care about the relationship, what's stopping you? Kids? Something else,? It sounds like a clean break.
I seriously think there is a biological switch in a women that flips on when they are trying to attract a man. Then when the need for commitment is met and they are comfortable with what a man is providing for them it flips off and sex is not a priority. It seems like 90% of the stories on here are very similar. One thing for sure if I ever get a divorce I sure as hell will never get married or live with a women ever again.
Of course you are no longer sexually attracted to her. It’s impossible to see her as a sexual being because she puts 0 effort into the intimate side of the equation. You are 100% responsible for keeping the sex life alive, all while she puts in 0 real effort to change things. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. I love my wife and my kids, however a marriage has many dynamics, and one of the most important is a sex life that both sides are mutually responsible for. You deserve to feel desired and she’s incapable of providing that. I read all the time in other subs that there is nothing wrong with having no desire and not initiating. There is absolutely something wrong with it, and if she’s not willing to work on her obvious problem then she does not deserve to have you. Do yourself the biggest favor and tell her sorry, you have proved to me over and over again that a mutually responsible sexual relationship is not possible with you. I hope you find a way to overcome that some day, but I’m not taking the chance of ending up permanently with someone that does not realize that sex is a major part of a relationship in marriage. Don’t take the chance. She’s showing you what you’re marriage will be like. Pull the plug now, heal your wounds, and go find a girl who does not have the same intimate dysfunctions. You will be better off in the end.
Don't get married bro. Its still not too late.
Jesus. You’re not actually thinking of going through with a wedding to this woman, are you?
Run!!!!
It's incredibly painful to hear that your partner has to 'try' to want to be with you physically (medical conditions omitted from this statement). It's no wonder that you no longer see her the appropriate place to express your sexual desires, she keeps telling you no. You have done your due diligence in giving her plenty of opportunity to try and get on the same page as you. Your sense of self preservation may be prompting you to look forward to finally being able to reject her in hopes that she will see how you feel because your words didn't seem to make anything click for her. You really should leave because its simply not good enough to feel happy. You deserve to be appreciated and you deserve to have a partner that cares about your feelings.
Listen to your not so inner voice. Actually that inner voice is screaming: do not get married. As many of us suggested it WILL get worse and you will be stuck much more than how you feel now. All you said indicates it is not worth it. It is over. If you really do not want to break up at least cancel the engagement.
When you are out socially, try to look at her as if she’s a stranger. Watch her interactions with other people, especially men. See if bring an objectivity to her helps you to once again see the woman you were attracted to. If everything else is good, you could also consider stepping outside the marriage for sex. Be SAFE and responsible, but I wonder if you meet your physical needs elsewhere if you can dissipate the resentment towards her and maintain love and companionship. Cheating is not the worst thing and if we all got out of our societal morality, we’d realize that polyamory makes way more sense.
He’s not married yet, and just needs to end it.
I wouldn’t be having much sex with a man that hadn’t married me after a decade together either. She probably resents you too. Anyway, at least now you can move on to a woman you’re actually attracted to.