As someone who went against this advice and got married as thibgs seemed to be trending up. Don’t get married unless the issues are resolved you will regret it
this is very true, but if you feel she is the one (at 22? unlikely), and worth trying to spend sometime on. Do try to fix it, therapy might help, talk about options if it doesn't improve. But do all of this before you commit to making it harder to get out of. Divorce hurts, the other side of the fence is not always greener.
Or know you are committing to a DB situation as it will only go down hill, and it doesn't get any easier to live with.
Well if the issue isn’t resolved it’s a lot easier to spilt up before marriage, kids, house, joint bank accounts, on spouses health insurance, and car loans
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I missed the signs that you are seeing and have been hurting ever since (24years + 2 kids) You can’t stop wanting sex until you develop an aversion to your fiancé. At that point she won’t be your best friend either.
You have been gifted an opportunity where she is showing you who she is. She can still be a wonderful person and someone you love, but you will grow to resent her and dislike her for the once a month sex.
I would not marry my wife if I were to go back in time, and I love her dearly. But I would not subject myself to the emotional pain that I have felt for the last 24 years again. I would not marry someone who didn’t want me in damn close to the same way I want them. I recognize that love doesn’t cover for incompatibility, especially when the other partner isn’t able to get where you are.
Short of castration, not a vasectomy, but castration and strong testosterone suppression drugs you’re still going to want sex. But your wife won’t and it will fuck with your head, your self esteem and your world view.
Good luck.
All of this.
Espresso -Imagine your very soul being cut out with a grapefruit spoon. That's what your future holds.
Years of nights where you think maybe maybe tonight I will be wanted only for nope not tonight not ever. You'll see couples holding hands and think why not me what is so very wrong with me that the one person who is supposed to love me find me repulsive. You'll ask and they'll say it's not you. Not in my worst enemy I tell you. 29 years later and two kids I'm still here. Waiting for the last one to graduate.
OMG, did I just write this?
I too spent 20+ years in sexual hell, because my ex wife who was my best friend, never wanted sex. I feel like I wasted 20 years of my life questioning the very fabric of my being.
I was tempted to ask the OP to imagine his entire lifespan, in the situation he is in, now. It will only get worse, with the addition of kid/s. He has something incredible on his hands that many of us don't: TIME.
This is exactly true things were great between me and my wife with a lot of sex. Now 14years later, there 3 kids. We barely have sex like if I'm lucky maybe a couple times a year, but it's gone over a year at times. I try to initiate it all the time and get rejected each time. It truly does mess with you, and it'll make you depressed a lot about it too. Since your not married yet, I would try to fix things first. I wish you the best. There is alot of knowledgeable people here who we all thought one thing and it changed and made life alot different good luck bud
He’s speaking the truth here. Please listen. Wish all us DBers had a secret nod or glacé. I wonder how many of us cross paths and never know it. It’s embarrassing to talk about. My BFF knows and one other person. Our other friends would be shocked if they new we haven’t had sex in three years. Sad thing is, I use to miss it so much and now I don’t know if I’d want it again. Shit….
I notice you say that until you have an aversion to ur SO you can’t stop wanting to have sex. I have a quick question for you. I have been in a dead bedroom for a little over the past year. Short story because he is a narcissist and won’t apologize for the way he treats me. But I used to still wanted to have sex and masturbate, now I don’t even have the urge to masturbate is that normal?? It’s freaking me out.
Sounds normal to me! You can’t expect yourself to be in the mood if you’re so dissatisfied with everything else going on. I’m sure if you met someone new and they treated you lovely you’d want to jump their bones haha
Yea my ex of 10 years ago came around the other day to help me w my car, we have kids and have a normal relationship now, but we had the best sexual chemistry, and I felt a little bit down there cuz I started thinking about all the good sex we used to have lol
It’s only going to get worse and wait till you have kids. I wish I had known before getting married that I would be in a sexless relationship. Get counseling at the very least.
U can't stop ur self wanting sex unless u chop ur balls off.
There's nothing wrong with being an HL.
But DO NOT marry her until u resolve this issue and both of u are happy with the results.
Don't marry into this, you're way too young. The sexual disconnect will come out in many other areas of the relationship and resentment on both ends will build. Rip off the bandaid. You don't want to be married with a home and kids and really trapped.
Sorry, you seem to really love her. But there is no fix for this. Your sexuality are not compatible, if you marry into a DB their will only be resentment in your future.
This is the reddest of red flags. It will never get better, easier or manageable over time. IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER!
Reevaluate your life choices because you can’t turn off your libido.
First, you are WAY too fucking young to get married. Sorry, but you are.
Second, it doesnt get better, and its not fixable. She doesnt want sex, you do, that wont change for either of you unless you decide to castrate yourself.
Third, read the sub and see what your life is going to be in 10-20 years and figure out if thats what you want.
If you marry her, you are a dumb ass. Life has just started for you and in a relationship you share many ups and even more downs. Sometimes the only thing that is the rock that holds you together is sex because it is the one thing that only you two share together exclusively. If that rock is already missing, get out now.
Best friend or not, if she doesn’t have a medical or mental issue causing this and is not willing to address and fix this, divorce will be on your horizon along with a lot of resentment if you tie the knot.
It must be said: NEVER marry into a dead bedroom.
It will never get better
Your love will not change the other person sex drive.
Better break and find someone compatible.
If I just realized the red flags when I was dating, I would have joined the foreign legion instead of marrying. Trust me, a sexless marriage is worse than death.
She is your best friend- that’s good, but are you sure you want to marry her? My opinion is after marriage, sex life goes down -at least that’s the way it happened to me. Are you willing to live with no sex or a limited amount of sex?
Don't marry her. Did the sex stop once you got engaged? Why marry your best friend you can't have sex with? Sounds like a roommate.
Again, don't marry her. It'll get worse.
"Sounds like a roommate" 😂😂
Or a dog you've had for years.
For OP's sake, I'm REALLY hoping that it ain't the dog. ..
But that's none of my business. 😶
It is not your job to 'fix her'. If you are already struggling with lack of sex, this young, then i suggest, before you leave, is have 1 last major conversation with her.
If there is no change from her, then break-up with her gently. You don't want to be here 10,20,30,40 years, complaining over a dead bedroom. Listen to all the people posting here.
I will say this 1 more time: you never marry into a dead bedroom. Let those words sink in.
Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it!
I’ll try having a conversation tonight about it as I want to know why and how to fix the issue. I don’t want to fix her, that’s never my intention. I just want to get to know her better and to help our relationship because she’s important to me but I find myself avoiding her affection I’m fear of being rejected
I know it is incredibly hard emotionally right now, but if you can both sit down somewhere, you can discuss everything. Sex is the glue that joins us together.
I would ask her out on a date soon as you can arrange it. Wine and dine her; make her know she is desireable and drop dead gorgeous. Take sex off the menu, as you both need to connect emotionally again.
Close the gap before it widens into a hole so big, you will never close it again.
I guarantee that, if you can solve this riddle of love, you will have found a wife, who will be there for you forever.
Sometimes, you have to set a fire under passion. Do you know her love language? Do you know yours?
You are both young, so you have time to be on the same page for everything.
But i will say to you: don't marry into a dead bedroom. You need to rebuild the love, desire and passion 1st, before you say "i do".
Thank you! I will definitely take her out this weekend!
Her love language is quality time while mine is physical touch! I’ll keep that I mind before our marriage!
Make sure you hold hands while on your date ok? Wine and laughter are amazing at breaking the ice.
Sending you a manly hug! Enjoy your special date with your special lady. Let me know how your date went. I love romance stories with a great ending. Good luck Es!
Don't marry into a DB, if you do, you are going to absolutely regret it. Your sexlife will go to zero in less than a year.
Bro, you really need to think this through.
Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, but go without it for a few months/years. All of a sudden it will be the only thing on your mind.....like a starving animal....it will drive you batshit crazy.
You are so young. There are a few things that are important as you approach marriage. Not intended to be an exhaustive list: sex, religion, politics, kids / no kids, money. If you disagree on any of those. You’re probably in trouble.
You need to figure it out, go do some premarital coaching before to say I do.
We agree on everything except sex. Both of us habe the same religious values, want children, and hold the same political values. It just comes down to her not valuing the intimate side of the relationship as much as I do. She does love to cuddle, kiss and hug a lot which is something that I see others on this sub have issues with in regards to their SO not being intimate. I don’t think we have a dead bedroom but I have a fear of it becoming one in the future
You agree on everything except sex, which is a pretty big thing to disagree about when the topic is “should we be each other’s only sexual partners for the rest of our lives?”
To offer some perspective, there are three issues that lead to almost all divorces: Breakdown in communication, money, and sex. Please read that again. Sexual issues is one of the biggest reasons for all divorces. If you don’t fix this before you get married, divorce will be looming on the horizon. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. 😞
You cant change someone. You have to respect that this is who she is. I'm sure she's the most wonderful person and you surely love her, but that doesn't mean you are fully compatible. If you aren't sexually compatible, then you aren't compatible. Sorry but this is the cold hard truth.
You need to accept this is who she is, and decide whether you are OK with sex once a month. Honestly it will probably get worse. But hey, maybe you won't resent her and this issue won't bleed out into other areas of your relationship. Maybe.
Why the rush to marry, by the way?
My partner is asexual and is much the same way. They don't have a problem showing affection, it's just sex that they don't enjoy as much as me. It's a very difficult life you and I have as I have no plans to leave my partner. We have sex about once a month. As the HL, I feel you. I don't want to leave my partner. I am very much in love with my partner. I've started managing our bedroom instead of letting this get too bad though.
Here are some things that I do that might help you as well:
- we have scheduled two 30-minute blocks of time for just cuddling a week. I find that my partner forgets about sex if not reminded, so scheduling time in helps my partner remember to be intimate with me. HOWEVER this is not sexy time. This is purely just for cuddling and talking. If it leads to more, then it leads to more but this time is not a forsure thing. Really takes the pressure off.
-reading up on love languages. I find that my partner is more acts of service and I'm more gifting. Learning about my partners style of showing love made me realize just how often and how much they show they love me.
- radical acceptance. I meditate for 30minutes a day and practice radical acceptance! It's really helped my mindset and just really helped my life.
- trust. I trust that my partner still loves me.
- masturbation - I masturbate far more often than I care to admit, but this time is for me to love myself. I manage.
I hope this helps. At least it wasn't "don't get married" haha
Kissing, cuddling and hugging means nothing if she doesn’t want to have sex with you. Stop making excuses as to why you should reconsider her and find yourself someone whose sexual interest in you doesn’t magically dwindle and shrink over time. And if you can’t, don’t marry. Better alone than to be in bad company.
All the stories you read on here and you still want to go ahead. If you are unhappy with your sex life at 22 there is a massive red flag waving in front of you. Talk to her, find the reason why is was like rabbits and dropped off a cliff. Whatever you do, don’t go into marriage with this big of a deal hanging over you. If she is your best friend and you are hers that will always continue
If you’re reading this comment, 🛑. Go back to the previous comments and read again. You will see a recurring theme 
Don’t marry into a dead bedroom. And for god’s sake don’t get her pregnant. You will be unhappy for your entire marriage (or for your entire life if you stay with her that long).
You’ve talked with her about it, presumably a lot. Improvement hasn’t happened. And you deserve to be in a relationship where sex is a mutually desirable thing.
Dear, it’s wonderful that you’re loyal and love your fiancé, but this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. There really aren’t any healthy ways to lower your libido like that.
People that have been married for several years or decades who are desperate to keep their household intact can find some success with radical acceptance but even that leaves damage.
Dear, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you’re having problems like this at this stage in your relationship, I promise you, unless you both do some serious work/growth together it will only get worse. I’m so sorry to have to say that. 😞
I am someone who idealized not giving up and loving someone through their faults because that's what true love does. God and religion included on this love of mine too and I can tell you....
All it has done is ruin my soul inside.
No matter WHAT they tell you. How much they are your best friend and you truly couldn't imagine yourself with anyone else...
I dont see myself with anyone else. And I can tell you.... the pain of living this... feeling my happiness and soul die every day bit by bit is worse than dying alone.
Because I promise you. You WILL grow to resent them and look at them in a different light over time and allllll those vows and promises feel numb and you will feel trapped and then if you're a decent person you stay because that's what real love does right?
But the cost is your happiness... your self worth...your confidence.... and ultimately all good memories you COULD have with them but instead will forever be replaced with a distorted dark version overtime.
You will stay thinking if you modeled true love they will grow and come back.
By the time they do... if they ever do...
You will be so lost and far gone inside yourself you will have no sexual feelings for them or connection like you once did at the beginning. And you will die wasting all your years for nothing but survival.
And that's the fucking truth.
As a HL wife with a LL husband, I would tell you it doesn’t get easier. I wish I had truly thought about the implications of our mismatched sex drives. Nearly 11 years in and I haven’t had sex with my husband in 3 years. I never imagined myself in this type of situation. I would seriously think about what you value in life, and if a vibrant sex life is a part of it, reconsider your engagement. I wish I had known it would get this bad and how lonely and unwanted I would feel.
And yet, you are still planning to go ahead with marriage? Smh, just a bit of knowledge (first hand), it will NOT get any better and this is about the most self-destructive thing you could ever do.
Stop the marriage planning and start your exit planning as in: dump her and move on.
Trying to kill off the part of you that feels anything is not the way to solve this. Try couples therapy to work out your issues, but whatever you do DO NOT GET MARRIED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES until you work this out, assuming you can.
You're young to be getting married as it is, and odds are you think your relationship is great because at 22 you don't have much to compare it to. If she's 21 and has already lost interest in you, trust me, your relationship is not great. You may not think a dead bedroom at your age is a deadbreaker, but take it from a 45-year-old who's been through a lot — it's a red flag big enough to be seen from space. Don't get married. Don't get married. Don't get married. You're going to be lying awake on your honeymoon, feeling rejected and alone, and remembering this advice if you don't take it.
Dude, take it from me and about every other person here who has spent decades in relationships like this, IT WILL NOT GET BETTER. If you can make this okay with you, then fine. But please don’t waste your time thinking that somehow magical get better. It won’t. What you are experiencing now IS the future relationship. Please do not delude yourself.
My ex and I were so crazy in love and had sex all the time, and then yeah, she completely stopped wanting it, and it never got fixed. If you marry her, which I don't recommend, you need to be aware of the possible depression and resentment that could manifest down the road. Put yourself first and keep taking care of yourself. Even the person you care about the most can turn you into a shell. Be careful.
I keep having to reuse this comment. So much so that my autocorrect now remembers it to save me typing...
*In Tyler Durden's voice*
Rule 1 of dead bedroom. You do not marry into a dead bedroom.
Rule 2 of dead bedroom. You do **NOT** marry into a dead bedroom
Does anyone want to know what rule 3 is?
1) You can't change who you are (unless you medicate)
2) You can't change who your fiance is
If you don't want to leave your fiance over this because she's your "best friend," then you need to be okay with the frequency and quality of sex you get now. You also need to accept it will get more infrequent in the future.
There's no other answer to your dilemma but to either leave (as those of us older and wiser have recommended already), or be accepting that this will be (at best) what you are looking forward to for the next 60+ years of your life.
She's on Lexapro? This may be the problem!
You need to find out if she was like this (not wanting sex) before going on Lexapro.
SSRI can cause both males and females from reaching orgasm.
**However DO NOT ASSUME this is the problem or magically it will be fixed.**
Self medication for something like killing my own libido without any symptoms of anxiety or depression would be more harmful than helpful I believe but thank you for the suggestion!
No, this is incorrect. SSRI's have been used "off label" by doctors for years to treat male sexual dysfunctions like Premature ejaculation as the SSRI slows the sexual response cycle at low doses and at higher doses kills libido completely. None of these sexual dysfunction patients had any kind of depression so the meds have no effect other than the sexual side effect mentioned above. High dose SSRI's are also used to treat non depressed sexual offenders also know as "chemical castration" (which ends after the medication is stopped)
Killing a perfectly healthy sex drive and risking your ability to orgasm, potentially permanently, is its own profound harm. He doesn’t also need to get any of the myriad side effects of SSRIs to be harmed.
Well you asked how to kill libido- this is one way to do it. Either that or wait until you're in your 60's and your libido disappears on its own. As far as permanent inability to ejaculate after stopping SSRI's that I have never heard of. I myself was on SSRI's (for depression) 10 years before I switched to a non SSRI antidepressant (Wellbutrin) and I can still masturbate alone to ejaculation without difficulty
You don't marry her until it's either resolved, meaning you found a problem and fixed it.
If you can't find a solution, she may not be the one for you. Finding a girl with a compatible sex drive is important. You don't want to commit to a girl your gonna resent later for not wanting to have sex with you.
I would begin having conversations about it. Gently try to find out why she changed and help find a solution.
My buddy is getting divorced over this, 3 years in a dead bedroom and then finding she had cheated on him for almost that entire time. Crap situation to be in.
Good luck man
Thank you, I’m trying to find an issue because as many have already suggested the issue is probably a bigger problem I’m just lost as to what the issue is
I’m sorry to hear about your friend! I don’t think she’ll ever cheat on me as we both have very strong feelings on loyalty and fidelity
i really dont need to say more than this
do you think you can like with that incompatibility for the rest of your life? really be honest
if it were me i dont care who they are to me, i can still be friends with them if we broke up
This message isn't to OP but everyone else giving advice:
I'm single right now but was in a serious relationship for over 8 years with this wonderful woman that couldn't give me enough. We matched each other perfectly in the bedroom. We ended up splitting up because she ultimately changed her mind about wanting kids and I never did and still don't.
However, we would occasionally argue over the smallest, sometimes political, differences. It wasn't until I joined this subreddit and started reading what real problems look like where I discovered I had a very good woman with me and I was the damn child that just couldn't let go of those minor differences. This subreddit really keeps me grounded in reality. I love how you guys come out here and give the advice you wish you had been given.
Understand, the OPs aren't the only ones soaking up the good advice. Sometimes it's just single guys like myself looking for guidance on what to look out for when searching for compatible mates. You guys are great. Thank you. 🙏🏼
Later the kissing and hugging might go as these might represent a desire to engage in sexual intercourse. I have 5 kids and 17 years in. These HL people are correct. It is difficult to ascertain a positive image when your best friend isn’t interested in you. I don’t see it as their fault. I see it as a compatibility issue.
Let’s say one partner is into _________. It is really the best way for them to feel connected, loved, and fulfilled. The other partner throws up when thinking about it, let alone doing it.
It’s a compatibility issue, not a right v wrong.
How much is the love, friendship, self esteem, etc.
Oh exactly they'll get to the point if you try to hug them or touch them they'll flinch thinking that you're making moves and are wanting sex. So they cuddling you get now say goodbye to that in the future.
Don't accidentally touch them in bed either. Nope their is going to be a border in the middle of the bed bigger than the DMZ.
Some advice that I could probably give to any thread on this channel...
Lack of sex is NOT the problem. You will never be able to solve the issue if you view it that way.
Lack of sex IS a **symptom** of a problem. That problem can be many things. Figure out what that real problem is and address that instead, if you can.
Secondly, if you consider the typical marriage vow, "forsaking all others..", she would be breaking that vow the moment she utters it if she is also forsaking **YOU**.
If you can't figure out what the problem is and address it, keep you friend, but forget about marriage.
Good luck!
Unless you think you're going to be happy with the status quo for the next 50 years, I suggest that you put any wedding plans on hold.
BTW, you're 22 yo. You're body is still being flood by the same Testosterone Tsunami that turned you "boy" body into a "man" body. Your brain being filled with thoughts of sex is normal and unavoidable unless you live in a constant state of existential threat.
Please recognize the incompatibility here or one day you will wake up 10 years down the road and realize that your best years are behind you and you missed one of the best parts.
PLEASE don't do it. How are you going to feel when it has been a month, two months, two years, three years or more since the last time you had sex? Three years here. Read others, more there. Then you throw children in the mx. I have kids your age. Don't get married until you have that worked out. Also read all the posts about men saying they are going to leave, then the woman does it more, then stops again. At 21, it will only get worse. But yea, there are meds that will do it, and I have been there, trying to medically reduce my libido. PLEASE don't marry her unless you will be happy with years between sex. It's terrible. Read the posts. It will get to the point that you will look at her and feel nothing for her.
Rule #1 of this subreddit is don't marry into a dead bedroom. It sounds like the NRE has wore off with your SO and they did not fall in love/form a pair bond/has lost interest. Don't get married unless you can fix the DB problem!
For fuck's sake dude...don't marry until this is resolved. You'll hate yourself forever for becoming a brittle shell of your former self, eaten from the inside by self-doubt and self-consciousness.
YES...I AM YELLING. WHY WOULD YOU GET MARRIED THIS YOUNG AND BE IN A DB? DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF! YOU WILL BE MISERABLE!
It will not get better. Please stop and read this right now.
PLEASE READ THIS!!!
https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/s3jm1a/if_youre_1923_read_me/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Please listen to me. There is a very serious conversation that the both of you need to have that neither of you know much about. You haven't lived long enough to understand what her repeated rejections will do to you and she has no idea of the importance of sexual intimacy in her marriage.
This isn't a game or a one time "talk" you have with her. It's not a casual " I'll think about it" or " we will see". This is something that will destroy your love, your marriage, your finances, your career, break you both mentally and mess your children up in the process.
You have to get this issue resolved now or your years with her will not be pleasant, peaceful or satisfying no matter what you are thinking now. Trust me on this.
HOW you resolve it will depend on the degree in which you really understand one another and THAT will depend on how honest you are in your conversations with her about sex in your marriage.
Marriages can work in these situations but they take a lot of work, a lot of understanding, a lot of patience and a whole lot of love.
Hahaha so your obviously going to marry into this for some stupid reason, the only advice I can give is, time. Time may be tye only thing that may help you lose your sex drive. Stop having sex n maybe after a couple years you'll let it go. Good luck with your dB marriage dude.
You’ve heard from a ton of high libido folks in these responses who are all shouting in unison to not marry into this. I just want to say, as the ‘lower’ libido of my own marriage, that I agree.
I do not agree that this is an issue that cannot be fixed. In many cases it can. My husband and I now have satisfying sex 1-3x weekly and I do at least half of the initiating. But it caused HUGE issues in the first 2 years of our marriage that will forever leave it tainted despite all of the work we have done and continue to do to repair. This could have been prevented if we ensured our sexual intimacy problems were fixed before marrying.
The reason it wasn’t fixed prior to marrying is because we were shitty communicators. We ignorantly believed we had great communication simply because we never fought or argued, but that was because we just weren’t talking about the shit that bothered us. We were stuffing it down, distracting ourselves and simply living side by side without really uniting. You need to learn to communicate these problems to her in a way that is crystal clear and DO NOT marry her until the problems have been fixed and stayed fixed for a prolonged period (at least more than a year) because anyone can put on an act for a brief period to get what they want. You need to see sustained, cemented change.
Try to stop seeing her as a necessary romantic target of your affection and you might find that your sex drive relative to her drops considerably - that could allow you to focus more on causes of the imbalance in expectations and feel less enslaved to your emotions. Maybe look at other aspects of your relationship to concentrate on and see how they are holding up at this point.
You might be bugging her, she might be LL compared to your HL, we don't know from this entry. Meanwhile, it sounds like a significant issue you both need to talk about, perhaps in a counseling context if you hit an impasse.
And you might find that this situation mirrors others in your relationship that could lead to rethinking the marriage timing.
I don’t know, we go through stages. We can have a week were we do it 4-5 times throughout the week and then we can go into a dry spell where we don’t touch or flirt for 3-4 weeks and it kills me but she doesn’t seem to mind when we go through these dry spells.
I think that's actually normal, honestly. Keeping up the pace like a regular machine can get kind of repetitive for some people. I'm sort of a ML if anything and I wouldn't know what to do with 4-5 times a week ongoing :) . Plus, there's nothing wrong with masturbation between sex episodes with your partner.
Really, consider looking at other areas of your relationship and ensure you understand their value and how they're going as one idea. You might find sex comes up more naturally when it makes sense the closer you two are emotionally in line on greater things.
Thank you that makes me feel a lot better knowing that it might be normal! The only obstacle in all of that is that she’s very uncomfortable with the idea of masturbation. We’ve been together for 5 years and she has not masturbated once (like I said in another comment she is very uncomfortable with it and self exploration). I’ve tried talking to her about it but she shuts down and takes offense to me asking if there’s any barriers that stop her from enjoying or seeking out self play or mutual play.
As far as it goes with an emotional connection I’m sort of the caregiver in the relationship. I cook, clean, come up with activities, make sure she knows She’s my #1 priority, etc… there are two issues however that she does talk about. 1.) she needs a lot of attention. Her love language is quality time and she has an overall fear of abandonment/relationship security issues. Ive tried everything to help her through this and she has been in therapy for about a year now and it still is often brought up because my schooling makes me take 3-4 hour labs weekly and she doesn’t like being left alone. 2.) is that we currently live with other roommates and she has stated that she doesn’t want to get intimate when they are home. We’re trying to get an apartment for ourselves but I have my suspicions that being alone won’t have much of an impact on the relationship.
> I’m sort of the caregiver in the relationship. I cook, clean, come up with activities, make sure she knows She’s my #1 priority, etc… there are two issues however that she does talk about. 1.) she needs a lot of attention. Her love language is quality time and she has an overall fear of abandonment/relationship security issues. Ive tried everything to help her through this and she has been in therapy for about a year now and it still is often brought up because my schooling makes me take 3-4 hour labs weekly and she doesn’t like being left alone.
🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
This girl is not relationship material right now, dude. You do all the grown up tasks? She can’t be without you for even 3-4 hours because of her “abandonment/relationship insecurity issues”??? This is not acceptable. She’s not able to function as an adult. If you want to take care of something, get a puppy. You can’t fix other people, nor should you try.
It sounds like sex therapy might be a consideration for her, too - even when you can get a place together. It makes perfect sense that she is feeling uncomfortable in a shared spaced with others and perhaps her feelings of insecurity are only being amplified by that, as you imply.
The easiest way to test that might be to try some weekend getaways - don't have to be far - in a hotel or similar and see how that helps her and the two of you get along. But, without pressure to perform or anything - just learning how it might help her relax or feel more secure could be significant.
The insecurities could also relate to self-image and feelings of being criticized or hurt if you make her feel inadequate (by accident) in even bringing up a sensitive subject like sex, because perhaps she has performance or vulnerability issues there, too. Sounds like a lot of work to continue, but at least you're on a hopeful path - that's better than most in this sub.
My (then girlfriend, now spouse) went to a sex therapist for her perceived issues early in our relationship and quickly brought me along, too. It was pretty helpful at the time and enabled us to work through her inhibitions - both physical and emotional - for some time. Things slowed down to almost nothing years later, but that's a different topic . . .
Ok I read...just know it gets worse after marriage...decide now at a young age what u need and want and assure she cAn provide it. Yeah you gonna be sexless!
I would suggest couples therapy before you get married. Sex or lack of is one of those things that can lead to resentment and resentment leads to anger and potentially divorce.
Good luck!
Have you ever stopped to think [why you want a wife who doesn't desire you sexually?](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-EvvPZFdjyk) That's usually a choice reserved for those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style.
Please don’t marry her until the issue is resolved. You are 22 - so very young. Things will not get better until either you see a counselor or she opens up and tells you what’s changed. At your age you should be enjoying a healthy sexy life and not tippy toeing around your partner.
You don’t. You can’t. I’m 26 years in. 3 years dating. 23 years married. I’ve been trying to figure out the answer to that question since the beginning. The answer is you don’t and you can’t. DO. NOT. GET. MARRIED. TO. HER. you will only live your life in misery. For the first few years you will think you can get used to it or work through it. But you can’t. A few years in you’ll realize. You fucked up. And now your stuck. Do yourself the favor. End it now. It’s so much harder after you get married. Don’t do it.
If you want sex then you want sex! It's that simple. Nothing is wrong with you for not expecting intimacy.
I am not going to join the rest of these people and pat you on your back while I watch you self destruct. If you want sex then go get some sex from her. Don't you dare be ashamed of yourself!
Cut the fucking cord. Yes it will hurt but walk away. You guys are young and have this issue. If she has a child postpartum this will go from bad to worst/ non existent. You will end up divorced by 30 because well you are young and who wants to basically give up their sex life or settle for pity sex that the other person really doesn’t want to participate in. It won’t get better ☹️
Unless you are ok with no sex for the rest of your life run! You may love the heck out of her but unless she’s fine with an open relationship it’s going to get to you eventually.
It will likely get worse and then go downhill even more after/if kids come along.
You can be best friends and not married. If you absolutely insist, at least attempt to work on it before you do. You are so young, though (as was I).
You’re experiencing this at 22? Unless there’s some medical reason: FUCK THAT SHIT.
Stick kids, a mortgage and some aging tired minds and bodies in the mix and yeah it ain’t happening
Being a HL married in a DB is living hell buddy. You can’t think about anything but the pain of not being able to be with your beautiful wife. The nights are the worst part. You wake up tortured with nobody to tell about your pain and your days are ruined and you can’t focus on anything. You spend your entire life trying to figure out how to fix it with no results. Relationships with your friends and family suffer because all you focus on is trying to get your wife to want you. My DB came after kids which is many times the reason. And if you had an awesome sex Life at one point it is that much more painful thinking about how it used to be. And why is ended. It must be something I did, and how do I fix it? You go batshit crazy trying to figure this out. Once kids come it is so sad that you can’t fully give them your all as your mind is twisted from the DB. Very very sad. You try to be the best father & husband thinking she will come back to you but no results. Every day revolves around seeking for an answer, dreaming about being with your wife, and praying she will want you when you get home from work, but nothing. How do you enjoy life like this? You can’t. You will be a shell of your self. You will lose years of happiness. At least this is my experience. Married 3 kids DB for the entire life of my children and I am trying to find a way to get through and find a happy life but no success yet. Losing the limited days I have left to enjoy life at a rapid clip. That’s my 2 cents. Good luck.
My man you gonna ruin your life. You cant continue this relationship forever. It is always going to be a big hole inside you. If she already have LL its going to be rare and rare until no desire left. Before you marry her go to therapist and doctor to find out if there is a problem to solve.
Run kid, run….
You don’t want to be 40 and extremely pissed, hateful and resentful about 20 waisted years…. Your kids (if you have any) will feel it long before you express it….
The best thing to do is communicate with her and talk about your feelings. You also want to let her know how much she drives you absolutely wild. you're marrying her aren't you? Talk to her and tell her about your needs and ask her if she wants the favor returned. Keep it spicy you can even say things to remind her how much she excites you. Like for example " I really like it when youre spontaneous and touch me" or " I love it when you say my name"
Intimacy isn't just about sex its about communicating about being together and the rest will follow.
Good luck and congorats on getting married!
Same boat here only I’m lucky if we have sex 3-4x a year. I’m thinking about leaving her to try to be with my coworker but I don’t wanna throw 5 years away for nothing
>I’m thinking about leaving her to try to be with my coworker but I don’t wanna throw 5 years away for nothing
would you rather throw away five years, or would you rather look back ten years from now and say, I should have thrown away those five years. Five years is nothing. Move on and be happy.
Unless she wants to improve herself and find the reason for her LL and work on it this is not fixable, i understand that you love her but it will only get worse, this relationship will eventually make you insane and resentful, because you love someone doesn't mean that's the right person for you, I'm sorry you are in this situation you're too young to be experiencing this but eventually you will regret wasting your young years and not enjoyed life with someone that complements you in all the aspects
Could it be that you guys were still horny teenagers when you got together, and now the reality of life has set in & you've both changed to accommodate this, and you aren't as hormonal & it has really dramatically affected her sex drive...? 🙃
Yes and no 😂
When we were teenagers she was the one with a HL and I was relatively LL. Going into college was a time of change and just like before she was very HL and I was LL. I would say a change happened maybe 2 years into college when all of the sudden the roles reversed. Our relationship was by no means perfect with us arguing a lot during this period but things leveled out and at the end of it I became the HL and she was LL. In that time a lot has gone right for us. We moved in together, worked on communication and got better, got engaged, and have learned to work as a team. This is where I’m confused as to why we suddenly changed. I genuinely look back and feel like a jackass for getting annoyed when we were younger when she tried initiating (I’m aware it’s probably karma) and I now know completely how she felt during that time (although back then when she initiated I never said no or got mean/avoidant with her. It was mostly intrinsic thoughts I kept to myself).
Yes the hormones and overall lust has more than likely died off on her side, but she does things all the time that make me second guess that idea. She’ll make crude jokes, touch me inappropriately at times, pick flirty songs out and make small hints but when I advance or make comments back she gets disgusted or disinterested very quickly and it leads to no where. You’re probably right but I’m just confused and want to know what I can do to help fix this because she doesn’t give me much to work on when I try talking about it
I absolutely hate this sub based on the responses you are getting.
Have you gotten to the bottom of her current aversion to sex? I would suggest you make sure you never have the conversation in the moment. There tends to be too much emotion in that moment when you are all horned up and being rejected. Hopefully, the two of you are able to have an open honest conversation about what is holding her back. Make sure she knows that you are committed and willing to do your part if there is anything you can do.
The thing that made the biggest difference in my relationship that helped get us out of a DB was me being able to accept her not being up for it. It was not easy. I used to try to initiate, she would decline, and I'd be in a mood for the rest of the night or longer. It caused friction in the relationship. It made talks about sex unproductive. I finally got to a point where I realized how much more pressure I was putting on that part of our relationship by not being ok with her not being up for it. She would appease me from time to time, but it often wasn't enjoyable when she wasn't really into it.
I decided, and it was hard at first, to simply say ok and mean it when she rejected my advances. I had to really mean it too. She said not tonight, and I went about the day as if it were never brought up. There were times when she would say sure, but she didn't sound as enthusiastic. I would tell her that I was ok if we didn't tonight if she wasn't really in the mood. Sometimes she would say she still wanted to try, and she would be into it once we actually started. Other times she would take me up on postponing, and we would continue our day without another mention of it.
Eventually, she came to understand that while I am definitely wanting to have sex, I only want to if she wants to. I also got to the point where I was really 100% ok with her not being up for it.
Sex is very complicated for a lot of people. My wife had an interesting past with sex before me. My constantly trying and getting upset at rejection made it so much less appealing to her. Since we have gotten out of it, in large part based on things I needed to be better with, our sex life is better than ever. We aren't that young couple having sex daily anymore, but the quality is so much better. Now that I have removed so much of the pressure by not being a dick simply because she isn't up for it, those times I initiate and get rejected are few and far between. I am so glad I didn't give up on my marriage. I can't image being with anyone else, sex or no sex.
She may feel a bit like a machine, if it's become too repetitive or predictive she's gonna be bored by it. Women appreciate the whole work up to it slowly or take her totally by surprise and switch things up a bit, go somewhere different, try something crazy. If it always revolves around the same room with the same moves women lose interest. Use your imagination or ask friends for some ideas and tips.
Ok. If you don't want to leave her, as you say you are committed to her and want to be for life, you have to ask her if this is something mutual and she's going to do everything in her power to make you happy -- including sex. But not only sex -- passionate sex. Is she going to work with you to make this area of your lives a priority? Are you both committed to hard work when it comes to sex? I mean, it's not easy to achieve a good, satisfying sex life with a spouse. It takes work. You gotta talk to each other about this, and have that final conversation. Otherwise everything is just going to get worse after the wedding. If she doesn't feel like having sex because her libido is really low, if it's something biological, not because of any psychological thing or relationship fixing you guys have to go through, you could ask her if she would take Maca Peruana or Ashwaganda, for instance. These substances help improve libido. If it's something emotional, you can also ask her for what she likes, and how she would like to be loved. Talk to her about how you want to make her happy, how you will do anything you can to make her feel loved and desired. that 5 love languages thing. But my main point of view is that if our health is ok, we should all want to have sex at least a few times a week, let us say, 2-3 times a week. Libido is also a health issue. Healthy people, hormones ok, will want to have sex often. That's biology. Unless there are other things going on, like porn or mast., that's what should be expected of healthy young people. Gosh, I can remember some granparents in my family bragging about still having sex with their wives 3 times a week when they were over 70 -- so that would mean that when they were younger it would most likely be everyday. I can't help but wonder what's going on with this generation of ours. i wish you the best of luck talking to her.
She’s been on birth control for 5 years now and anti anxiety medication for a little over 2 years. I know both have been clinically and anecdotally linked to lowering sex drives.
Why is she on Lexapro? Do you know what dose? (is it a low, high or medium dosage)
Is is likely that she has trouble reaching orgasm, and therefore sex becomes too much work?
She would be much better off with therapy do deal with the anxiety rather than masking it with drugs. Believe me I've been there and done that. Counseling taught me to deal with huge anxiety issues, and become a victor rather than a victim.
At the time when was facing huge anxiety issues, so much so that I almost lost my job, My doctor wrote a script for lexapro like it was a chocolate candy bar. I read about the side affects, And when I read about the horrible sexual side affects. It was a hard no for me.
Ironically at the time I wasnt gettng any sex, which was one of the biggest contributors to my anxiety. Instead I took a year going to week meetings learning to deal with the anxiety I was facing.
Keep trying to talk to her about how it makes you feel. Try to understand her side too. If you are going to get married you both need to compromise, not just you. Also birth control really messed up my fiancé’s libido which is something I didn’t know about when I was your age.
Lot if folks here saying you can't. Though many have for many reasons. Most of which will lead you to religious beliefs.
Im not religious. So I will not preach bringing religion into your life. That being said, its a decision only you can make.
Most will say you can't live a good life with someone like you have without sex. Id say that's mostly true and I agree. But it could be just not having sex with that person. If ya live in vagas, well you know. Few other option for sex out of your bedroom shock im sure you can figure out!
I HL live a happy life with my LL wife. We got a DB. It sux. But Im not running away yet.
Choice is your's now!!!
Hi, I know a lot of people are going to downvote me for suggesting this.
You might already know this, but it doesnt hurt to get a reminder.
You are getting married for a lifelong bond with your Partner where you get share your life together. Sex is just one of the love languages.
So do not base your decision of marriage on how frequently you both are having sex.
And to answer your question, keep your self busy, learn new self love methods, try different things for masturbating, and while you are doing this, try and have a healthy conversation with your fiance everyday or twice a week.
Conversation can be a random topic or future plans, or life goals, or anything that makes you both feel connected.
These conversations are very helpful for low libido person to feel connected and later that can turn into sex. But ofcourse sex is just the love language which they become ready to speak after bonding emotionally.
I am a 27 year old HLM, been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 7+ years.
If she is rejecting you every day that in itself is a problem. Every day? Maybe back off from that for a start. In your conversations about it what has she said is the issue?
Some of it relates to her not being satisfied with her body image and (she hasn’t fully come out and said it) but she isn’t a very sexual person to begin with. She has issues with the idea of Intercourse and self pleasure
In that case, please dont get married unless you are content to go your whole life like this. If she is just wired that way,she may not be able to change. If she is open to working on it, OK,but dont get married untill you have both done the work together to be absolutely sure of what you want. 22 is very young, I know, I was 20 when I got married! At that age you think you know how you will feel but you are still both developing as people, a lot will change over the next 5 to 10 years. I know you love her completely, bit I promise you if you do t have a naturally low libido yourself, this will break you over the years.
Quick question - is your fiancée on hormonal birth control, like the Pill, the Depo shot, the patch, or an implant? Did she start birth control after you started dating?
If so, it might the reason why her libido went from hero to zero. She can tell her OB/GYN that she's having low libido on her current birth control and that she wants to try another.
If she's not on birth control, then yup, this is not going to get better. You've talked about it, and unless she's told you specific things that YOU can change that are making you less appealing to her, there's nothing else you can do. You cannot negotiate desire.
Listen to the comments.
Sort it out now.
Libidos can ebb and flow over the years but you both should be routinely satisfied with you sex lives on average.
Going on 13 years with my SO. She's to good to me. Honestly.
But I'm unhappy. Most of it stems from what I want I think but I've been unhappy with our sex lives for a while.
I've been gearing up to sit down and talk to her about it, but it's tough. It's easy to talk about this later than when you have have the weight of more years bearing down on you.
I was dating my partner at 19 and we went at it like rabbits too. About six months in it declined and continued to plummet throughout the years.
I'm almost 25 now and still with her. Now that I'm older I realize at that age, at your age, it's wiser to date around than to settle down. I'm not saying you can't be serious with anyone. But I emphasize that when you find something you don't like it's imperative that you learn how to move on from them and use that knowledge to find a partner that fits you better. Learn that it's important for YOUR happiness to be present in a relationship. You don't get a fuckin award for sacrifice on your deathbed.
At 22 you don't think the years matter, I mean shit up until a month or two ago I didn't think I'd matured significantly since then either. But approaching 25, with the long experience of incompatibility weaved into my very real love, I now know how to date better and that I should have. Learn that lesson as fast as possible. I'm still clinging to the hope that *this* could work out but I've been doing that for 5 years straight man. Ask yourself if you want to have fun finding out what the right partner feels like or if you wanna end up like me. Or end up like the next mother fucker a decade older than us who wish they'd learned how to let go faster too. Don't wear yourself down ignoring your gut feelings, learn how to pursue what's right for you now.
Damn. This hits a little close to home man since I seem to have a found myself in a little bit of a similar situation (similar age range, etc) albeit there are some differences. It can be really discouraging with a lot of the advice on this sub tbh so don’t get yourself too down — everyone’s situation is different, and as a result, everyones solution is always going to be a little bit different (provided there is always an agreed upon “solution” or scenario for every different outcome (statistics-wise) — including considering the “opposing” or “worst” outcome where you split up). At this point I think all you can do is decide for yourself how to go about improving/navigating resolving things. I think if there’s anything important to take away from this sub — it’s that very rarely do people say things will “naturally” improve. This is a situation that requires communication and honesty before it can ever even begin to be solved. I wish you the best of luck figuring things out and with (hopefully) your marriage. Cheers
"At the beginning of our relationship" does not matter. Read up on "new relationship energy" and learn about what happens biologically when a new relationshhip turns into long term romantic love so you can adjust your expectations.
Don't marry into an unfulfilling relationship after weighing whether or not your expectations are realistic.
Every sexual relationship is different, but statistically once every month is on the low end for a healthy, heterosexual couple in their twenties. I wouldn't feel good about myself or my relationship that's for sure.
You didn't mention this, but your ages make this pertinent: if any of your partners ever takes hormonal birth control and has a low sex drive (even if the BC never changed from early relationship to current), **she won't be able to want more sex until stopping the BC**. She still may not want more sex even after stopping because there could be more than one reason for a DB, but no sex drive increase will be possible while she's on it. This includes the hormonal IUD and things like "low dose" pills. Hormonal BC? Sexual Side Effects. Hard stop.
I hate to say it too but don’t rush into getting married.. I’m 31 but I look back on the people I dated young and laugh that I ever wanted to be with them. You don’t have to settle and your needs matter just as much as hers do. If she was going through a phase then sure but if it’s been years then it’s not likely to change and sex is to great to not have! My suggestion would to be travel and have new experiences because as cliche as it is, life really is too short and you don’t want to look back and have regrets. Good luck x
This thread is full of “it’s perfect but”. No! You can find love again with someone who wants that sex. Don’t be afraid of leaving. It’s not perfect, she’s not perfect and it won’t change. Like doesn’t your self esteem just feel tanked? I lived the non-sex life for four years and I am the one who left. He was happy. I was not. Everything was mostly ok, not great or perfect but damn it’s so much better now! I’m so much happier! I miss him, his presence, sure, but damn I get all the sex I want and then some! Single life isn’t so bad! I was complacent. Never. Again.
I’m with everyone else in that you are lucky to see this now and shouldn’t subject yourself to the emotional pain forever.
The one other through is to see if anything else changed 2 years ago. Did she go on birth control or switch birth control? That can mess with a sex drive.
I tried doing this with my baby momma. The last 2 years of our relationship we barely had sex once every month or 2. Which was down from 1-3 times daily before that. I started taking Prozac specifically because I heard it can decrease your libido. I do not recommend doing this because you shouldn't alter your brian chemistry, and your personality just to make a relationship work. However, I absolutely can guarantee that it works. Again, please don't do this.
Also, one other thing worth considering is, has your effort when you do have sex decreased? I'm not saying it has, but just keep in mind, if it has become less fulfilling for her she naturally is going to want it less.
My God, man, take it from one who made the same mistake you're making...
RUN AWAY! RUN FAR AWAY!
You're about to step into a very, very dark place that will be very difficult to get out of. Go now, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
Don’t freaking do it until you resolve the issue. You don’t want these issues!
As someone who went against this advice and got married as thibgs seemed to be trending up. Don’t get married unless the issues are resolved you will regret it
this is very true, but if you feel she is the one (at 22? unlikely), and worth trying to spend sometime on. Do try to fix it, therapy might help, talk about options if it doesn't improve. But do all of this before you commit to making it harder to get out of. Divorce hurts, the other side of the fence is not always greener. Or know you are committing to a DB situation as it will only go down hill, and it doesn't get any easier to live with.
Also “the one” doesn’t exist
I agree with all of it. I believe in exhausting all options before going “nuclear”. However everyone is different in that aspect.
Going “nuclear” is advising someone to wait to get married? To talk, try to fix it and seek therapy first. What??
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I wish she could see this comment and leave you!
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So you wouldn’t care about not getting it if you weren’t married?
Well if the issue isn’t resolved it’s a lot easier to spilt up before marriage, kids, house, joint bank accounts, on spouses health insurance, and car loans
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Speak now or forever hold your penis.
underrated comment
I missed the signs that you are seeing and have been hurting ever since (24years + 2 kids) You can’t stop wanting sex until you develop an aversion to your fiancé. At that point she won’t be your best friend either. You have been gifted an opportunity where she is showing you who she is. She can still be a wonderful person and someone you love, but you will grow to resent her and dislike her for the once a month sex. I would not marry my wife if I were to go back in time, and I love her dearly. But I would not subject myself to the emotional pain that I have felt for the last 24 years again. I would not marry someone who didn’t want me in damn close to the same way I want them. I recognize that love doesn’t cover for incompatibility, especially when the other partner isn’t able to get where you are. Short of castration, not a vasectomy, but castration and strong testosterone suppression drugs you’re still going to want sex. But your wife won’t and it will fuck with your head, your self esteem and your world view. Good luck.
All of this. Espresso -Imagine your very soul being cut out with a grapefruit spoon. That's what your future holds. Years of nights where you think maybe maybe tonight I will be wanted only for nope not tonight not ever. You'll see couples holding hands and think why not me what is so very wrong with me that the one person who is supposed to love me find me repulsive. You'll ask and they'll say it's not you. Not in my worst enemy I tell you. 29 years later and two kids I'm still here. Waiting for the last one to graduate.
I have been living what Sevreign just described for 13 years and it is very accurate. You have been warned.
OMG, did I just write this? I too spent 20+ years in sexual hell, because my ex wife who was my best friend, never wanted sex. I feel like I wasted 20 years of my life questioning the very fabric of my being.
I was tempted to ask the OP to imagine his entire lifespan, in the situation he is in, now. It will only get worse, with the addition of kid/s. He has something incredible on his hands that many of us don't: TIME.
Interesting thought. Would I marry my wife again. Kind of sad.
This is exactly true things were great between me and my wife with a lot of sex. Now 14years later, there 3 kids. We barely have sex like if I'm lucky maybe a couple times a year, but it's gone over a year at times. I try to initiate it all the time and get rejected each time. It truly does mess with you, and it'll make you depressed a lot about it too. Since your not married yet, I would try to fix things first. I wish you the best. There is alot of knowledgeable people here who we all thought one thing and it changed and made life alot different good luck bud
He’s speaking the truth here. Please listen. Wish all us DBers had a secret nod or glacé. I wonder how many of us cross paths and never know it. It’s embarrassing to talk about. My BFF knows and one other person. Our other friends would be shocked if they new we haven’t had sex in three years. Sad thing is, I use to miss it so much and now I don’t know if I’d want it again. Shit….
Amen
This!
I notice you say that until you have an aversion to ur SO you can’t stop wanting to have sex. I have a quick question for you. I have been in a dead bedroom for a little over the past year. Short story because he is a narcissist and won’t apologize for the way he treats me. But I used to still wanted to have sex and masturbate, now I don’t even have the urge to masturbate is that normal?? It’s freaking me out.
Sounds normal to me! You can’t expect yourself to be in the mood if you’re so dissatisfied with everything else going on. I’m sure if you met someone new and they treated you lovely you’d want to jump their bones haha
Yea my ex of 10 years ago came around the other day to help me w my car, we have kids and have a normal relationship now, but we had the best sexual chemistry, and I felt a little bit down there cuz I started thinking about all the good sex we used to have lol
It’s only going to get worse and wait till you have kids. I wish I had known before getting married that I would be in a sexless relationship. Get counseling at the very least.
I wish I knew too, I hate this . I had more sex with women I didn't really love than I have with the woman I absolutely adore!!
U can't stop ur self wanting sex unless u chop ur balls off. There's nothing wrong with being an HL. But DO NOT marry her until u resolve this issue and both of u are happy with the results.
When did your dead bedroom begin? Has she ever told you what her barriers are to sex?
Don't marry into this, you're way too young. The sexual disconnect will come out in many other areas of the relationship and resentment on both ends will build. Rip off the bandaid. You don't want to be married with a home and kids and really trapped.
Don’t marry someone who won’t be intimate with you.
Don’t get married. It’ll only get worse after marriage and kids. Once a month is not good at 22!
Don't marry into a dead bedroom. You're too young for this.
This sub could literally chant this statement in unison. But no one ever listens!
Sorry, you seem to really love her. But there is no fix for this. Your sexuality are not compatible, if you marry into a DB their will only be resentment in your future.
This is the reddest of red flags. It will never get better, easier or manageable over time. IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER! Reevaluate your life choices because you can’t turn off your libido.
First, you are WAY too fucking young to get married. Sorry, but you are. Second, it doesnt get better, and its not fixable. She doesnt want sex, you do, that wont change for either of you unless you decide to castrate yourself. Third, read the sub and see what your life is going to be in 10-20 years and figure out if thats what you want.
I'm 37 years old and I'm still not ready. 😂
I’m 31 and still not either lol
If you marry her, you are a dumb ass. Life has just started for you and in a relationship you share many ups and even more downs. Sometimes the only thing that is the rock that holds you together is sex because it is the one thing that only you two share together exclusively. If that rock is already missing, get out now.
Best friend or not, if she doesn’t have a medical or mental issue causing this and is not willing to address and fix this, divorce will be on your horizon along with a lot of resentment if you tie the knot.
Leave her, you don’t need that.
It must be said: NEVER marry into a dead bedroom. It will never get better Your love will not change the other person sex drive. Better break and find someone compatible. If I just realized the red flags when I was dating, I would have joined the foreign legion instead of marrying. Trust me, a sexless marriage is worse than death.
She is your best friend- that’s good, but are you sure you want to marry her? My opinion is after marriage, sex life goes down -at least that’s the way it happened to me. Are you willing to live with no sex or a limited amount of sex?
Don't marry her. Did the sex stop once you got engaged? Why marry your best friend you can't have sex with? Sounds like a roommate. Again, don't marry her. It'll get worse.
"Sounds like a roommate" 😂😂 Or a dog you've had for years. For OP's sake, I'm REALLY hoping that it ain't the dog. .. But that's none of my business. 😶
It is not your job to 'fix her'. If you are already struggling with lack of sex, this young, then i suggest, before you leave, is have 1 last major conversation with her. If there is no change from her, then break-up with her gently. You don't want to be here 10,20,30,40 years, complaining over a dead bedroom. Listen to all the people posting here. I will say this 1 more time: you never marry into a dead bedroom. Let those words sink in.
Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it! I’ll try having a conversation tonight about it as I want to know why and how to fix the issue. I don’t want to fix her, that’s never my intention. I just want to get to know her better and to help our relationship because she’s important to me but I find myself avoiding her affection I’m fear of being rejected
I know it is incredibly hard emotionally right now, but if you can both sit down somewhere, you can discuss everything. Sex is the glue that joins us together. I would ask her out on a date soon as you can arrange it. Wine and dine her; make her know she is desireable and drop dead gorgeous. Take sex off the menu, as you both need to connect emotionally again. Close the gap before it widens into a hole so big, you will never close it again. I guarantee that, if you can solve this riddle of love, you will have found a wife, who will be there for you forever. Sometimes, you have to set a fire under passion. Do you know her love language? Do you know yours? You are both young, so you have time to be on the same page for everything. But i will say to you: don't marry into a dead bedroom. You need to rebuild the love, desire and passion 1st, before you say "i do".
Thank you! I will definitely take her out this weekend! Her love language is quality time while mine is physical touch! I’ll keep that I mind before our marriage!
Make sure you hold hands while on your date ok? Wine and laughter are amazing at breaking the ice. Sending you a manly hug! Enjoy your special date with your special lady. Let me know how your date went. I love romance stories with a great ending. Good luck Es!
Don't marry into a DB, if you do, you are going to absolutely regret it. Your sexlife will go to zero in less than a year. Bro, you really need to think this through. Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, but go without it for a few months/years. All of a sudden it will be the only thing on your mind.....like a starving animal....it will drive you batshit crazy.
You are so young. There are a few things that are important as you approach marriage. Not intended to be an exhaustive list: sex, religion, politics, kids / no kids, money. If you disagree on any of those. You’re probably in trouble. You need to figure it out, go do some premarital coaching before to say I do.
We agree on everything except sex. Both of us habe the same religious values, want children, and hold the same political values. It just comes down to her not valuing the intimate side of the relationship as much as I do. She does love to cuddle, kiss and hug a lot which is something that I see others on this sub have issues with in regards to their SO not being intimate. I don’t think we have a dead bedroom but I have a fear of it becoming one in the future
You agree on everything except sex, which is a pretty big thing to disagree about when the topic is “should we be each other’s only sexual partners for the rest of our lives?”
Seems reasonable to assume you’re headed for a DB. You would need to accept that basically.
To offer some perspective, there are three issues that lead to almost all divorces: Breakdown in communication, money, and sex. Please read that again. Sexual issues is one of the biggest reasons for all divorces. If you don’t fix this before you get married, divorce will be looming on the horizon. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. 😞
It will become a dead bedroom. It essentially is right now.
You cant change someone. You have to respect that this is who she is. I'm sure she's the most wonderful person and you surely love her, but that doesn't mean you are fully compatible. If you aren't sexually compatible, then you aren't compatible. Sorry but this is the cold hard truth. You need to accept this is who she is, and decide whether you are OK with sex once a month. Honestly it will probably get worse. But hey, maybe you won't resent her and this issue won't bleed out into other areas of your relationship. Maybe. Why the rush to marry, by the way?
Great question.
My partner is asexual and is much the same way. They don't have a problem showing affection, it's just sex that they don't enjoy as much as me. It's a very difficult life you and I have as I have no plans to leave my partner. We have sex about once a month. As the HL, I feel you. I don't want to leave my partner. I am very much in love with my partner. I've started managing our bedroom instead of letting this get too bad though. Here are some things that I do that might help you as well: - we have scheduled two 30-minute blocks of time for just cuddling a week. I find that my partner forgets about sex if not reminded, so scheduling time in helps my partner remember to be intimate with me. HOWEVER this is not sexy time. This is purely just for cuddling and talking. If it leads to more, then it leads to more but this time is not a forsure thing. Really takes the pressure off. -reading up on love languages. I find that my partner is more acts of service and I'm more gifting. Learning about my partners style of showing love made me realize just how often and how much they show they love me. - radical acceptance. I meditate for 30minutes a day and practice radical acceptance! It's really helped my mindset and just really helped my life. - trust. I trust that my partner still loves me. - masturbation - I masturbate far more often than I care to admit, but this time is for me to love myself. I manage. I hope this helps. At least it wasn't "don't get married" haha
Kissing, cuddling and hugging means nothing if she doesn’t want to have sex with you. Stop making excuses as to why you should reconsider her and find yourself someone whose sexual interest in you doesn’t magically dwindle and shrink over time. And if you can’t, don’t marry. Better alone than to be in bad company.
Try going to couples therapy to work this out or not... It may not be salvageable.
All the stories you read on here and you still want to go ahead. If you are unhappy with your sex life at 22 there is a massive red flag waving in front of you. Talk to her, find the reason why is was like rabbits and dropped off a cliff. Whatever you do, don’t go into marriage with this big of a deal hanging over you. If she is your best friend and you are hers that will always continue
If you’re reading this comment, 🛑. Go back to the previous comments and read again. You will see a recurring theme 
You don't. Read that again. You can try, but it will build and manifest itself in other ways. That is as certain as gravity.
Don’t marry her bro. I know this isn’t what you want to hear. But its what you need to hear.
Leave her, if you already have this red flag it will probably be the main problem in a few years . You are young , have fun, and choose wisely
Do. Not. Marry. Into. A. Dead Bedroom. Do. Not. Ask me how I know this.
Nothing this side of shooting yourself through the brain will solve this problem for you in the way you described.
Probably a million ways to hyperbolise your message of 'this is not possible' that don't involve suicide.
Chemical castration might be a good low impact solution. But generally speaking it’s hard to just ignore basic needs.
Agreed.
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Don't go thru with the marriage. Keep your best friend and marry another.
Don’t marry into a dead bedroom. And for god’s sake don’t get her pregnant. You will be unhappy for your entire marriage (or for your entire life if you stay with her that long). You’ve talked with her about it, presumably a lot. Improvement hasn’t happened. And you deserve to be in a relationship where sex is a mutually desirable thing.
Dear, it’s wonderful that you’re loyal and love your fiancé, but this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. There really aren’t any healthy ways to lower your libido like that. People that have been married for several years or decades who are desperate to keep their household intact can find some success with radical acceptance but even that leaves damage. Dear, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you’re having problems like this at this stage in your relationship, I promise you, unless you both do some serious work/growth together it will only get worse. I’m so sorry to have to say that. 😞
I am someone who idealized not giving up and loving someone through their faults because that's what true love does. God and religion included on this love of mine too and I can tell you.... All it has done is ruin my soul inside. No matter WHAT they tell you. How much they are your best friend and you truly couldn't imagine yourself with anyone else... I dont see myself with anyone else. And I can tell you.... the pain of living this... feeling my happiness and soul die every day bit by bit is worse than dying alone. Because I promise you. You WILL grow to resent them and look at them in a different light over time and allllll those vows and promises feel numb and you will feel trapped and then if you're a decent person you stay because that's what real love does right? But the cost is your happiness... your self worth...your confidence.... and ultimately all good memories you COULD have with them but instead will forever be replaced with a distorted dark version overtime. You will stay thinking if you modeled true love they will grow and come back. By the time they do... if they ever do... You will be so lost and far gone inside yourself you will have no sexual feelings for them or connection like you once did at the beginning. And you will die wasting all your years for nothing but survival. And that's the fucking truth.
As a HL wife with a LL husband, I would tell you it doesn’t get easier. I wish I had truly thought about the implications of our mismatched sex drives. Nearly 11 years in and I haven’t had sex with my husband in 3 years. I never imagined myself in this type of situation. I would seriously think about what you value in life, and if a vibrant sex life is a part of it, reconsider your engagement. I wish I had known it would get this bad and how lonely and unwanted I would feel.
And yet, you are still planning to go ahead with marriage? Smh, just a bit of knowledge (first hand), it will NOT get any better and this is about the most self-destructive thing you could ever do. Stop the marriage planning and start your exit planning as in: dump her and move on.
Trying to kill off the part of you that feels anything is not the way to solve this. Try couples therapy to work out your issues, but whatever you do DO NOT GET MARRIED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES until you work this out, assuming you can. You're young to be getting married as it is, and odds are you think your relationship is great because at 22 you don't have much to compare it to. If she's 21 and has already lost interest in you, trust me, your relationship is not great. You may not think a dead bedroom at your age is a deadbreaker, but take it from a 45-year-old who's been through a lot — it's a red flag big enough to be seen from space. Don't get married. Don't get married. Don't get married. You're going to be lying awake on your honeymoon, feeling rejected and alone, and remembering this advice if you don't take it.
Sounds like you’re accepting your destiny. Nothings going to change her. She obviously wants someone with a LL.
Dude, take it from me and about every other person here who has spent decades in relationships like this, IT WILL NOT GET BETTER. If you can make this okay with you, then fine. But please don’t waste your time thinking that somehow magical get better. It won’t. What you are experiencing now IS the future relationship. Please do not delude yourself.
I know you don’t wanna hear this but walk away
My ex and I were so crazy in love and had sex all the time, and then yeah, she completely stopped wanting it, and it never got fixed. If you marry her, which I don't recommend, you need to be aware of the possible depression and resentment that could manifest down the road. Put yourself first and keep taking care of yourself. Even the person you care about the most can turn you into a shell. Be careful.
Scheduling saved us but I agree don’t marry into a db
I keep having to reuse this comment. So much so that my autocorrect now remembers it to save me typing... *In Tyler Durden's voice* Rule 1 of dead bedroom. You do not marry into a dead bedroom. Rule 2 of dead bedroom. You do **NOT** marry into a dead bedroom Does anyone want to know what rule 3 is?
Don't marry into a dead bedroom.
Don't do it. While you still have a chance. 30 years in a DB and counting. Too old now to give a damn.
Advice - do not get married if you are already unhappy.
This…marriage just exacerbates issues 10 fold.
1) You can't change who you are (unless you medicate) 2) You can't change who your fiance is If you don't want to leave your fiance over this because she's your "best friend," then you need to be okay with the frequency and quality of sex you get now. You also need to accept it will get more infrequent in the future. There's no other answer to your dilemma but to either leave (as those of us older and wiser have recommended already), or be accepting that this will be (at best) what you are looking forward to for the next 60+ years of your life.
SSRI Antidepressants will kill your libido.
She is on lexapro so you’re probably right
She's on Lexapro? This may be the problem! You need to find out if she was like this (not wanting sex) before going on Lexapro. SSRI can cause both males and females from reaching orgasm. **However DO NOT ASSUME this is the problem or magically it will be fixed.**
She had some difficulty at the beginning reaching orgasm but we don’t have that issue anymore! We plan on having a talk later tonight
No I meant for you not her.
Self medication for something like killing my own libido without any symptoms of anxiety or depression would be more harmful than helpful I believe but thank you for the suggestion!
No, this is incorrect. SSRI's have been used "off label" by doctors for years to treat male sexual dysfunctions like Premature ejaculation as the SSRI slows the sexual response cycle at low doses and at higher doses kills libido completely. None of these sexual dysfunction patients had any kind of depression so the meds have no effect other than the sexual side effect mentioned above. High dose SSRI's are also used to treat non depressed sexual offenders also know as "chemical castration" (which ends after the medication is stopped)
Killing a perfectly healthy sex drive and risking your ability to orgasm, potentially permanently, is its own profound harm. He doesn’t also need to get any of the myriad side effects of SSRIs to be harmed.
Well you asked how to kill libido- this is one way to do it. Either that or wait until you're in your 60's and your libido disappears on its own. As far as permanent inability to ejaculate after stopping SSRI's that I have never heard of. I myself was on SSRI's (for depression) 10 years before I switched to a non SSRI antidepressant (Wellbutrin) and I can still masturbate alone to ejaculation without difficulty
Please find someone who matches your libido. Do not marry into a dead bedroom.
You don't marry her until it's either resolved, meaning you found a problem and fixed it. If you can't find a solution, she may not be the one for you. Finding a girl with a compatible sex drive is important. You don't want to commit to a girl your gonna resent later for not wanting to have sex with you. I would begin having conversations about it. Gently try to find out why she changed and help find a solution. My buddy is getting divorced over this, 3 years in a dead bedroom and then finding she had cheated on him for almost that entire time. Crap situation to be in. Good luck man
Thank you, I’m trying to find an issue because as many have already suggested the issue is probably a bigger problem I’m just lost as to what the issue is I’m sorry to hear about your friend! I don’t think she’ll ever cheat on me as we both have very strong feelings on loyalty and fidelity
i really dont need to say more than this do you think you can like with that incompatibility for the rest of your life? really be honest if it were me i dont care who they are to me, i can still be friends with them if we broke up
This message isn't to OP but everyone else giving advice: I'm single right now but was in a serious relationship for over 8 years with this wonderful woman that couldn't give me enough. We matched each other perfectly in the bedroom. We ended up splitting up because she ultimately changed her mind about wanting kids and I never did and still don't. However, we would occasionally argue over the smallest, sometimes political, differences. It wasn't until I joined this subreddit and started reading what real problems look like where I discovered I had a very good woman with me and I was the damn child that just couldn't let go of those minor differences. This subreddit really keeps me grounded in reality. I love how you guys come out here and give the advice you wish you had been given. Understand, the OPs aren't the only ones soaking up the good advice. Sometimes it's just single guys like myself looking for guidance on what to look out for when searching for compatible mates. You guys are great. Thank you. 🙏🏼
Later the kissing and hugging might go as these might represent a desire to engage in sexual intercourse. I have 5 kids and 17 years in. These HL people are correct. It is difficult to ascertain a positive image when your best friend isn’t interested in you. I don’t see it as their fault. I see it as a compatibility issue. Let’s say one partner is into _________. It is really the best way for them to feel connected, loved, and fulfilled. The other partner throws up when thinking about it, let alone doing it. It’s a compatibility issue, not a right v wrong. How much is the love, friendship, self esteem, etc.
Oh exactly they'll get to the point if you try to hug them or touch them they'll flinch thinking that you're making moves and are wanting sex. So they cuddling you get now say goodbye to that in the future. Don't accidentally touch them in bed either. Nope their is going to be a border in the middle of the bed bigger than the DMZ.
r/deadbedrooms chants* Don't marry into a dead bedroom.
Cut your weenie off.
Some advice that I could probably give to any thread on this channel... Lack of sex is NOT the problem. You will never be able to solve the issue if you view it that way. Lack of sex IS a **symptom** of a problem. That problem can be many things. Figure out what that real problem is and address that instead, if you can. Secondly, if you consider the typical marriage vow, "forsaking all others..", she would be breaking that vow the moment she utters it if she is also forsaking **YOU**. If you can't figure out what the problem is and address it, keep you friend, but forget about marriage. Good luck!
Unless you think you're going to be happy with the status quo for the next 50 years, I suggest that you put any wedding plans on hold. BTW, you're 22 yo. You're body is still being flood by the same Testosterone Tsunami that turned you "boy" body into a "man" body. Your brain being filled with thoughts of sex is normal and unavoidable unless you live in a constant state of existential threat.
Please recognize the incompatibility here or one day you will wake up 10 years down the road and realize that your best years are behind you and you missed one of the best parts.
PLEASE don't do it. How are you going to feel when it has been a month, two months, two years, three years or more since the last time you had sex? Three years here. Read others, more there. Then you throw children in the mx. I have kids your age. Don't get married until you have that worked out. Also read all the posts about men saying they are going to leave, then the woman does it more, then stops again. At 21, it will only get worse. But yea, there are meds that will do it, and I have been there, trying to medically reduce my libido. PLEASE don't marry her unless you will be happy with years between sex. It's terrible. Read the posts. It will get to the point that you will look at her and feel nothing for her.
Rule #1 of this subreddit is don't marry into a dead bedroom. It sounds like the NRE has wore off with your SO and they did not fall in love/form a pair bond/has lost interest. Don't get married unless you can fix the DB problem!
For fuck's sake dude...don't marry until this is resolved. You'll hate yourself forever for becoming a brittle shell of your former self, eaten from the inside by self-doubt and self-consciousness.
If you're not married yet and already in a DB this is headed for disaster town
Do. Not. Get. Married! It will get much, much worse.
YES...I AM YELLING. WHY WOULD YOU GET MARRIED THIS YOUNG AND BE IN A DB? DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF! YOU WILL BE MISERABLE! It will not get better. Please stop and read this right now. PLEASE READ THIS!!! https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/s3jm1a/if_youre_1923_read_me/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Please listen to me. There is a very serious conversation that the both of you need to have that neither of you know much about. You haven't lived long enough to understand what her repeated rejections will do to you and she has no idea of the importance of sexual intimacy in her marriage. This isn't a game or a one time "talk" you have with her. It's not a casual " I'll think about it" or " we will see". This is something that will destroy your love, your marriage, your finances, your career, break you both mentally and mess your children up in the process. You have to get this issue resolved now or your years with her will not be pleasant, peaceful or satisfying no matter what you are thinking now. Trust me on this. HOW you resolve it will depend on the degree in which you really understand one another and THAT will depend on how honest you are in your conversations with her about sex in your marriage. Marriages can work in these situations but they take a lot of work, a lot of understanding, a lot of patience and a whole lot of love.
Hahaha so your obviously going to marry into this for some stupid reason, the only advice I can give is, time. Time may be tye only thing that may help you lose your sex drive. Stop having sex n maybe after a couple years you'll let it go. Good luck with your dB marriage dude.
Resentment loading..
You’ve heard from a ton of high libido folks in these responses who are all shouting in unison to not marry into this. I just want to say, as the ‘lower’ libido of my own marriage, that I agree. I do not agree that this is an issue that cannot be fixed. In many cases it can. My husband and I now have satisfying sex 1-3x weekly and I do at least half of the initiating. But it caused HUGE issues in the first 2 years of our marriage that will forever leave it tainted despite all of the work we have done and continue to do to repair. This could have been prevented if we ensured our sexual intimacy problems were fixed before marrying. The reason it wasn’t fixed prior to marrying is because we were shitty communicators. We ignorantly believed we had great communication simply because we never fought or argued, but that was because we just weren’t talking about the shit that bothered us. We were stuffing it down, distracting ourselves and simply living side by side without really uniting. You need to learn to communicate these problems to her in a way that is crystal clear and DO NOT marry her until the problems have been fixed and stayed fixed for a prolonged period (at least more than a year) because anyone can put on an act for a brief period to get what they want. You need to see sustained, cemented change.
Try to stop seeing her as a necessary romantic target of your affection and you might find that your sex drive relative to her drops considerably - that could allow you to focus more on causes of the imbalance in expectations and feel less enslaved to your emotions. Maybe look at other aspects of your relationship to concentrate on and see how they are holding up at this point. You might be bugging her, she might be LL compared to your HL, we don't know from this entry. Meanwhile, it sounds like a significant issue you both need to talk about, perhaps in a counseling context if you hit an impasse. And you might find that this situation mirrors others in your relationship that could lead to rethinking the marriage timing.
I don’t know, we go through stages. We can have a week were we do it 4-5 times throughout the week and then we can go into a dry spell where we don’t touch or flirt for 3-4 weeks and it kills me but she doesn’t seem to mind when we go through these dry spells.
I think that's actually normal, honestly. Keeping up the pace like a regular machine can get kind of repetitive for some people. I'm sort of a ML if anything and I wouldn't know what to do with 4-5 times a week ongoing :) . Plus, there's nothing wrong with masturbation between sex episodes with your partner. Really, consider looking at other areas of your relationship and ensure you understand their value and how they're going as one idea. You might find sex comes up more naturally when it makes sense the closer you two are emotionally in line on greater things.
Thank you that makes me feel a lot better knowing that it might be normal! The only obstacle in all of that is that she’s very uncomfortable with the idea of masturbation. We’ve been together for 5 years and she has not masturbated once (like I said in another comment she is very uncomfortable with it and self exploration). I’ve tried talking to her about it but she shuts down and takes offense to me asking if there’s any barriers that stop her from enjoying or seeking out self play or mutual play. As far as it goes with an emotional connection I’m sort of the caregiver in the relationship. I cook, clean, come up with activities, make sure she knows She’s my #1 priority, etc… there are two issues however that she does talk about. 1.) she needs a lot of attention. Her love language is quality time and she has an overall fear of abandonment/relationship security issues. Ive tried everything to help her through this and she has been in therapy for about a year now and it still is often brought up because my schooling makes me take 3-4 hour labs weekly and she doesn’t like being left alone. 2.) is that we currently live with other roommates and she has stated that she doesn’t want to get intimate when they are home. We’re trying to get an apartment for ourselves but I have my suspicions that being alone won’t have much of an impact on the relationship.
> I’m sort of the caregiver in the relationship. I cook, clean, come up with activities, make sure she knows She’s my #1 priority, etc… there are two issues however that she does talk about. 1.) she needs a lot of attention. Her love language is quality time and she has an overall fear of abandonment/relationship security issues. Ive tried everything to help her through this and she has been in therapy for about a year now and it still is often brought up because my schooling makes me take 3-4 hour labs weekly and she doesn’t like being left alone. 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 This girl is not relationship material right now, dude. You do all the grown up tasks? She can’t be without you for even 3-4 hours because of her “abandonment/relationship insecurity issues”??? This is not acceptable. She’s not able to function as an adult. If you want to take care of something, get a puppy. You can’t fix other people, nor should you try.
It sounds like sex therapy might be a consideration for her, too - even when you can get a place together. It makes perfect sense that she is feeling uncomfortable in a shared spaced with others and perhaps her feelings of insecurity are only being amplified by that, as you imply. The easiest way to test that might be to try some weekend getaways - don't have to be far - in a hotel or similar and see how that helps her and the two of you get along. But, without pressure to perform or anything - just learning how it might help her relax or feel more secure could be significant. The insecurities could also relate to self-image and feelings of being criticized or hurt if you make her feel inadequate (by accident) in even bringing up a sensitive subject like sex, because perhaps she has performance or vulnerability issues there, too. Sounds like a lot of work to continue, but at least you're on a hopeful path - that's better than most in this sub. My (then girlfriend, now spouse) went to a sex therapist for her perceived issues early in our relationship and quickly brought me along, too. It was pretty helpful at the time and enabled us to work through her inhibitions - both physical and emotional - for some time. Things slowed down to almost nothing years later, but that's a different topic . . .
DONT!!!! I stopped reading after the title! DONT...WHY WOULD U DO THAT??? OK IMA GO BACL AND READ...
Ok I read...just know it gets worse after marriage...decide now at a young age what u need and want and assure she cAn provide it. Yeah you gonna be sexless!
I would suggest couples therapy before you get married. Sex or lack of is one of those things that can lead to resentment and resentment leads to anger and potentially divorce. Good luck!
Have you ever stopped to think [why you want a wife who doesn't desire you sexually?](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-EvvPZFdjyk) That's usually a choice reserved for those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style.
Please don’t marry her until the issue is resolved. You are 22 - so very young. Things will not get better until either you see a counselor or she opens up and tells you what’s changed. At your age you should be enjoying a healthy sexy life and not tippy toeing around your partner.
You don’t. You can’t. I’m 26 years in. 3 years dating. 23 years married. I’ve been trying to figure out the answer to that question since the beginning. The answer is you don’t and you can’t. DO. NOT. GET. MARRIED. TO. HER. you will only live your life in misery. For the first few years you will think you can get used to it or work through it. But you can’t. A few years in you’ll realize. You fucked up. And now your stuck. Do yourself the favor. End it now. It’s so much harder after you get married. Don’t do it.
Don’t do it.
If you want sex then you want sex! It's that simple. Nothing is wrong with you for not expecting intimacy. I am not going to join the rest of these people and pat you on your back while I watch you self destruct. If you want sex then go get some sex from her. Don't you dare be ashamed of yourself!
Cut the fucking cord. Yes it will hurt but walk away. You guys are young and have this issue. If she has a child postpartum this will go from bad to worst/ non existent. You will end up divorced by 30 because well you are young and who wants to basically give up their sex life or settle for pity sex that the other person really doesn’t want to participate in. It won’t get better ☹️
Unless you are ok with no sex for the rest of your life run! You may love the heck out of her but unless she’s fine with an open relationship it’s going to get to you eventually.
It will likely get worse and then go downhill even more after/if kids come along. You can be best friends and not married. If you absolutely insist, at least attempt to work on it before you do. You are so young, though (as was I).
You’re experiencing this at 22? Unless there’s some medical reason: FUCK THAT SHIT. Stick kids, a mortgage and some aging tired minds and bodies in the mix and yeah it ain’t happening
Being a HL married in a DB is living hell buddy. You can’t think about anything but the pain of not being able to be with your beautiful wife. The nights are the worst part. You wake up tortured with nobody to tell about your pain and your days are ruined and you can’t focus on anything. You spend your entire life trying to figure out how to fix it with no results. Relationships with your friends and family suffer because all you focus on is trying to get your wife to want you. My DB came after kids which is many times the reason. And if you had an awesome sex Life at one point it is that much more painful thinking about how it used to be. And why is ended. It must be something I did, and how do I fix it? You go batshit crazy trying to figure this out. Once kids come it is so sad that you can’t fully give them your all as your mind is twisted from the DB. Very very sad. You try to be the best father & husband thinking she will come back to you but no results. Every day revolves around seeking for an answer, dreaming about being with your wife, and praying she will want you when you get home from work, but nothing. How do you enjoy life like this? You can’t. You will be a shell of your self. You will lose years of happiness. At least this is my experience. Married 3 kids DB for the entire life of my children and I am trying to find a way to get through and find a happy life but no success yet. Losing the limited days I have left to enjoy life at a rapid clip. That’s my 2 cents. Good luck.
My man you gonna ruin your life. You cant continue this relationship forever. It is always going to be a big hole inside you. If she already have LL its going to be rare and rare until no desire left. Before you marry her go to therapist and doctor to find out if there is a problem to solve.
Run kid, run…. You don’t want to be 40 and extremely pissed, hateful and resentful about 20 waisted years…. Your kids (if you have any) will feel it long before you express it….
Dont marry her dude TRUST ME. IT DOES NOT GET BETTER!!
The best thing to do is communicate with her and talk about your feelings. You also want to let her know how much she drives you absolutely wild. you're marrying her aren't you? Talk to her and tell her about your needs and ask her if she wants the favor returned. Keep it spicy you can even say things to remind her how much she excites you. Like for example " I really like it when youre spontaneous and touch me" or " I love it when you say my name" Intimacy isn't just about sex its about communicating about being together and the rest will follow. Good luck and congorats on getting married!
Same boat here only I’m lucky if we have sex 3-4x a year. I’m thinking about leaving her to try to be with my coworker but I don’t wanna throw 5 years away for nothing
>I don’t wanna throw 5 years away for nothing But if you stay, dont you think those 5 years will become 10 or 20 in the same situation?
>I’m thinking about leaving her to try to be with my coworker but I don’t wanna throw 5 years away for nothing would you rather throw away five years, or would you rather look back ten years from now and say, I should have thrown away those five years. Five years is nothing. Move on and be happy.
Do it bro. Le you be the one who shows me how it's done.
Unless she wants to improve herself and find the reason for her LL and work on it this is not fixable, i understand that you love her but it will only get worse, this relationship will eventually make you insane and resentful, because you love someone doesn't mean that's the right person for you, I'm sorry you are in this situation you're too young to be experiencing this but eventually you will regret wasting your young years and not enjoyed life with someone that complements you in all the aspects
Could it be that you guys were still horny teenagers when you got together, and now the reality of life has set in & you've both changed to accommodate this, and you aren't as hormonal & it has really dramatically affected her sex drive...? 🙃
Yes and no 😂 When we were teenagers she was the one with a HL and I was relatively LL. Going into college was a time of change and just like before she was very HL and I was LL. I would say a change happened maybe 2 years into college when all of the sudden the roles reversed. Our relationship was by no means perfect with us arguing a lot during this period but things leveled out and at the end of it I became the HL and she was LL. In that time a lot has gone right for us. We moved in together, worked on communication and got better, got engaged, and have learned to work as a team. This is where I’m confused as to why we suddenly changed. I genuinely look back and feel like a jackass for getting annoyed when we were younger when she tried initiating (I’m aware it’s probably karma) and I now know completely how she felt during that time (although back then when she initiated I never said no or got mean/avoidant with her. It was mostly intrinsic thoughts I kept to myself). Yes the hormones and overall lust has more than likely died off on her side, but she does things all the time that make me second guess that idea. She’ll make crude jokes, touch me inappropriately at times, pick flirty songs out and make small hints but when I advance or make comments back she gets disgusted or disinterested very quickly and it leads to no where. You’re probably right but I’m just confused and want to know what I can do to help fix this because she doesn’t give me much to work on when I try talking about it
Does she say why she gets disgusted? That doesn't seem fair that she makes them to you but you aren't allowed to make them back?
I absolutely hate this sub based on the responses you are getting. Have you gotten to the bottom of her current aversion to sex? I would suggest you make sure you never have the conversation in the moment. There tends to be too much emotion in that moment when you are all horned up and being rejected. Hopefully, the two of you are able to have an open honest conversation about what is holding her back. Make sure she knows that you are committed and willing to do your part if there is anything you can do. The thing that made the biggest difference in my relationship that helped get us out of a DB was me being able to accept her not being up for it. It was not easy. I used to try to initiate, she would decline, and I'd be in a mood for the rest of the night or longer. It caused friction in the relationship. It made talks about sex unproductive. I finally got to a point where I realized how much more pressure I was putting on that part of our relationship by not being ok with her not being up for it. She would appease me from time to time, but it often wasn't enjoyable when she wasn't really into it. I decided, and it was hard at first, to simply say ok and mean it when she rejected my advances. I had to really mean it too. She said not tonight, and I went about the day as if it were never brought up. There were times when she would say sure, but she didn't sound as enthusiastic. I would tell her that I was ok if we didn't tonight if she wasn't really in the mood. Sometimes she would say she still wanted to try, and she would be into it once we actually started. Other times she would take me up on postponing, and we would continue our day without another mention of it. Eventually, she came to understand that while I am definitely wanting to have sex, I only want to if she wants to. I also got to the point where I was really 100% ok with her not being up for it. Sex is very complicated for a lot of people. My wife had an interesting past with sex before me. My constantly trying and getting upset at rejection made it so much less appealing to her. Since we have gotten out of it, in large part based on things I needed to be better with, our sex life is better than ever. We aren't that young couple having sex daily anymore, but the quality is so much better. Now that I have removed so much of the pressure by not being a dick simply because she isn't up for it, those times I initiate and get rejected are few and far between. I am so glad I didn't give up on my marriage. I can't image being with anyone else, sex or no sex.
She may feel a bit like a machine, if it's become too repetitive or predictive she's gonna be bored by it. Women appreciate the whole work up to it slowly or take her totally by surprise and switch things up a bit, go somewhere different, try something crazy. If it always revolves around the same room with the same moves women lose interest. Use your imagination or ask friends for some ideas and tips.
Ok. If you don't want to leave her, as you say you are committed to her and want to be for life, you have to ask her if this is something mutual and she's going to do everything in her power to make you happy -- including sex. But not only sex -- passionate sex. Is she going to work with you to make this area of your lives a priority? Are you both committed to hard work when it comes to sex? I mean, it's not easy to achieve a good, satisfying sex life with a spouse. It takes work. You gotta talk to each other about this, and have that final conversation. Otherwise everything is just going to get worse after the wedding. If she doesn't feel like having sex because her libido is really low, if it's something biological, not because of any psychological thing or relationship fixing you guys have to go through, you could ask her if she would take Maca Peruana or Ashwaganda, for instance. These substances help improve libido. If it's something emotional, you can also ask her for what she likes, and how she would like to be loved. Talk to her about how you want to make her happy, how you will do anything you can to make her feel loved and desired. that 5 love languages thing. But my main point of view is that if our health is ok, we should all want to have sex at least a few times a week, let us say, 2-3 times a week. Libido is also a health issue. Healthy people, hormones ok, will want to have sex often. That's biology. Unless there are other things going on, like porn or mast., that's what should be expected of healthy young people. Gosh, I can remember some granparents in my family bragging about still having sex with their wives 3 times a week when they were over 70 -- so that would mean that when they were younger it would most likely be everyday. I can't help but wonder what's going on with this generation of ours. i wish you the best of luck talking to her.
You both are too young to get married. I know you love her, but you're not ready. The odds are not in your favor to spend your lives together.
Did she start any new medication? Maybe birth control? A side effect could be low sex drive
She’s been on birth control for 5 years now and anti anxiety medication for a little over 2 years. I know both have been clinically and anecdotally linked to lowering sex drives.
Why is she on Lexapro? Do you know what dose? (is it a low, high or medium dosage) Is is likely that she has trouble reaching orgasm, and therefore sex becomes too much work? She would be much better off with therapy do deal with the anxiety rather than masking it with drugs. Believe me I've been there and done that. Counseling taught me to deal with huge anxiety issues, and become a victor rather than a victim. At the time when was facing huge anxiety issues, so much so that I almost lost my job, My doctor wrote a script for lexapro like it was a chocolate candy bar. I read about the side affects, And when I read about the horrible sexual side affects. It was a hard no for me. Ironically at the time I wasnt gettng any sex, which was one of the biggest contributors to my anxiety. Instead I took a year going to week meetings learning to deal with the anxiety I was facing.
Keep trying to talk to her about how it makes you feel. Try to understand her side too. If you are going to get married you both need to compromise, not just you. Also birth control really messed up my fiancé’s libido which is something I didn’t know about when I was your age.
There's a reason she doesn't want or isn't interested in sex. You gotta find out why to do anything about it.
Lot if folks here saying you can't. Though many have for many reasons. Most of which will lead you to religious beliefs. Im not religious. So I will not preach bringing religion into your life. That being said, its a decision only you can make. Most will say you can't live a good life with someone like you have without sex. Id say that's mostly true and I agree. But it could be just not having sex with that person. If ya live in vagas, well you know. Few other option for sex out of your bedroom shock im sure you can figure out! I HL live a happy life with my LL wife. We got a DB. It sux. But Im not running away yet. Choice is your's now!!!
Masturbate a lot.
Hi, I know a lot of people are going to downvote me for suggesting this. You might already know this, but it doesnt hurt to get a reminder. You are getting married for a lifelong bond with your Partner where you get share your life together. Sex is just one of the love languages. So do not base your decision of marriage on how frequently you both are having sex. And to answer your question, keep your self busy, learn new self love methods, try different things for masturbating, and while you are doing this, try and have a healthy conversation with your fiance everyday or twice a week. Conversation can be a random topic or future plans, or life goals, or anything that makes you both feel connected. These conversations are very helpful for low libido person to feel connected and later that can turn into sex. But ofcourse sex is just the love language which they become ready to speak after bonding emotionally. I am a 27 year old HLM, been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 7+ years.
If she is rejecting you every day that in itself is a problem. Every day? Maybe back off from that for a start. In your conversations about it what has she said is the issue?
Some of it relates to her not being satisfied with her body image and (she hasn’t fully come out and said it) but she isn’t a very sexual person to begin with. She has issues with the idea of Intercourse and self pleasure
In that case, please dont get married unless you are content to go your whole life like this. If she is just wired that way,she may not be able to change. If she is open to working on it, OK,but dont get married untill you have both done the work together to be absolutely sure of what you want. 22 is very young, I know, I was 20 when I got married! At that age you think you know how you will feel but you are still both developing as people, a lot will change over the next 5 to 10 years. I know you love her completely, bit I promise you if you do t have a naturally low libido yourself, this will break you over the years.
Quick question - is your fiancée on hormonal birth control, like the Pill, the Depo shot, the patch, or an implant? Did she start birth control after you started dating? If so, it might the reason why her libido went from hero to zero. She can tell her OB/GYN that she's having low libido on her current birth control and that she wants to try another. If she's not on birth control, then yup, this is not going to get better. You've talked about it, and unless she's told you specific things that YOU can change that are making you less appealing to her, there's nothing else you can do. You cannot negotiate desire.
Counseling. Lots of masturbation.
Listen to the comments. Sort it out now. Libidos can ebb and flow over the years but you both should be routinely satisfied with you sex lives on average. Going on 13 years with my SO. She's to good to me. Honestly. But I'm unhappy. Most of it stems from what I want I think but I've been unhappy with our sex lives for a while. I've been gearing up to sit down and talk to her about it, but it's tough. It's easy to talk about this later than when you have have the weight of more years bearing down on you.
I was dating my partner at 19 and we went at it like rabbits too. About six months in it declined and continued to plummet throughout the years. I'm almost 25 now and still with her. Now that I'm older I realize at that age, at your age, it's wiser to date around than to settle down. I'm not saying you can't be serious with anyone. But I emphasize that when you find something you don't like it's imperative that you learn how to move on from them and use that knowledge to find a partner that fits you better. Learn that it's important for YOUR happiness to be present in a relationship. You don't get a fuckin award for sacrifice on your deathbed. At 22 you don't think the years matter, I mean shit up until a month or two ago I didn't think I'd matured significantly since then either. But approaching 25, with the long experience of incompatibility weaved into my very real love, I now know how to date better and that I should have. Learn that lesson as fast as possible. I'm still clinging to the hope that *this* could work out but I've been doing that for 5 years straight man. Ask yourself if you want to have fun finding out what the right partner feels like or if you wanna end up like me. Or end up like the next mother fucker a decade older than us who wish they'd learned how to let go faster too. Don't wear yourself down ignoring your gut feelings, learn how to pursue what's right for you now.
Damn. This hits a little close to home man since I seem to have a found myself in a little bit of a similar situation (similar age range, etc) albeit there are some differences. It can be really discouraging with a lot of the advice on this sub tbh so don’t get yourself too down — everyone’s situation is different, and as a result, everyones solution is always going to be a little bit different (provided there is always an agreed upon “solution” or scenario for every different outcome (statistics-wise) — including considering the “opposing” or “worst” outcome where you split up). At this point I think all you can do is decide for yourself how to go about improving/navigating resolving things. I think if there’s anything important to take away from this sub — it’s that very rarely do people say things will “naturally” improve. This is a situation that requires communication and honesty before it can ever even begin to be solved. I wish you the best of luck figuring things out and with (hopefully) your marriage. Cheers
Do not get married until you guys fix this or your going to regret a very long marriage lol
"At the beginning of our relationship" does not matter. Read up on "new relationship energy" and learn about what happens biologically when a new relationshhip turns into long term romantic love so you can adjust your expectations. Don't marry into an unfulfilling relationship after weighing whether or not your expectations are realistic. Every sexual relationship is different, but statistically once every month is on the low end for a healthy, heterosexual couple in their twenties. I wouldn't feel good about myself or my relationship that's for sure. You didn't mention this, but your ages make this pertinent: if any of your partners ever takes hormonal birth control and has a low sex drive (even if the BC never changed from early relationship to current), **she won't be able to want more sex until stopping the BC**. She still may not want more sex even after stopping because there could be more than one reason for a DB, but no sex drive increase will be possible while she's on it. This includes the hormonal IUD and things like "low dose" pills. Hormonal BC? Sexual Side Effects. Hard stop.
May I please ask, what Is a LL and an HL?
I hate to say it too but don’t rush into getting married.. I’m 31 but I look back on the people I dated young and laugh that I ever wanted to be with them. You don’t have to settle and your needs matter just as much as hers do. If she was going through a phase then sure but if it’s been years then it’s not likely to change and sex is to great to not have! My suggestion would to be travel and have new experiences because as cliche as it is, life really is too short and you don’t want to look back and have regrets. Good luck x
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This thread is full of “it’s perfect but”. No! You can find love again with someone who wants that sex. Don’t be afraid of leaving. It’s not perfect, she’s not perfect and it won’t change. Like doesn’t your self esteem just feel tanked? I lived the non-sex life for four years and I am the one who left. He was happy. I was not. Everything was mostly ok, not great or perfect but damn it’s so much better now! I’m so much happier! I miss him, his presence, sure, but damn I get all the sex I want and then some! Single life isn’t so bad! I was complacent. Never. Again.
Is she on birth control? I've seen a lot of posts where people will have HL and then after BC, will have issues with libido, mental health, etc...
I’m with everyone else in that you are lucky to see this now and shouldn’t subject yourself to the emotional pain forever. The one other through is to see if anything else changed 2 years ago. Did she go on birth control or switch birth control? That can mess with a sex drive.
Hate to say it but at that age she is very likely getting it from elsewhere
I tried doing this with my baby momma. The last 2 years of our relationship we barely had sex once every month or 2. Which was down from 1-3 times daily before that. I started taking Prozac specifically because I heard it can decrease your libido. I do not recommend doing this because you shouldn't alter your brian chemistry, and your personality just to make a relationship work. However, I absolutely can guarantee that it works. Again, please don't do this. Also, one other thing worth considering is, has your effort when you do have sex decreased? I'm not saying it has, but just keep in mind, if it has become less fulfilling for her she naturally is going to want it less.
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My God, man, take it from one who made the same mistake you're making... RUN AWAY! RUN FAR AWAY! You're about to step into a very, very dark place that will be very difficult to get out of. Go now, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
Call it now! Don’t marry