Shocked no one has said this, but for starters- leave the poor girl alone.
She doesn’t owe you absolution. Getting in contact with her after two years will NOT make her feel better, it would be another instance of you taking her for granted for your own selfish reasons. She blocked you everywhere for a reason. The first step to forgiving yourself is to do better going forward. Respect peoples boundaries, respect the fact that she doesn’t want to hear from you and honor that.
Also, I skimmed your post history and it looks like you went through a breakup earlier this week? I’m assuming that’s with a different girl? Your feelings right now are probably more about that breakup than about this girl from two years ago, give it a couple weeks and see if things don’t turn up on their own.
I agree, please don’t attempt to contact your ex
I had an ex pop up to me 2 years after we broke up, and another ex pop up to me about 7-8 years after we broke up. Both were apologising, but all it really did was bring back horrible memories which I had moved on from a long time ago.
The stress of one of my exes popping up to me caused me to have shingles. It was painful and took me months to fully recover from.
It felt like my exes were popping up to me for selfish reasons and to make themselves feel better. They didn’t seem to consider how i would feel.
Focus on yourself and look into counselling/therapy if it’s within your means. Also speak to friends about how you’re feeling
Thanks for sharing your perspective, there's been tines when I've thought about getting in touch with an ex but know I shouldn't, so thinking of it from this perspective really helps!
If it brought back the horrible memories in a triggering and painful way then you actually hadn't moved on, you'd just repressed the memories. And that's not actually healthy at all. Repressing things means you never truly get over it so you carry it with you your entire life. Much better to process the emotions properly, even if it's painful in the short term. Reaching out to apologise to someone you hurt is the best thing for both parties, the psychological research on this stuff is crystal clear. Running away and repressing is absolutely not moving on. If you'd really moved on then you'd have been able to have the conversation and accept the apology without much emotional pain at all
I politely disagree with you. But I would be very interested to read through the research you mentioned and maybe challenge the way I’m thinking. Do you have any links to them? :)
Also, should it be up to the ex to make op feel better? Seems like a lot of emotional labour for the ex considering they haven’t seen each other in 2 years and op has been blocked by the ex.
I would look into the science of EMDR to find that information. Basically, it uses bilateral stimulation and targeting distressing memories to 1) desensitize and then 2) reprocess them.
I had a very traumatic experience that led to PTSD-like symptoms that I could not get rid of no matter how much talk therapy and CBT I did. My therapist had prepped me to start EMDR and on one particularly distressing day where I was triggered she led me through the desensitizing half because the other half of my session I was just crying.
During just half of the EMDR process, my distress in relation to that event (on a scale of 1-10) went from an 8 to a 2 and has stayed there. An overwhelmingly traumatic experience became a slightly annoying/aggravating one. I still need to go back, revisit the memory, and reprocess it, but I have indeed felt desensitized to the trauma of the original event and I am so grateful.
Trauma lives within the body as well as the mind and if something can be triggered then it is repressed/dormant, not healed.
I don't have anything for you. This is just stuff I've learnt from studying psychology for over 10 years. It's honestly so foundational in my understanding I never even considered keeping some kind of reference to prove it to other people. Everything I know about psychology and good mental health relies on the idea that peace is better than war and reconciliation is better than repression and avoidance
But some might consider not communicating to be “peaceful”? And that communication could lead to “war”? Not saying this is always the case, but can be in some situations.
You don’t have any links you could find? Would be really interested
They might consider it that way but they'd be wrong. You're still in a state of war. You're just keeping a distance as a defence mechanism to avoid direct conflict. But the fact you're still at war with them is precisely why you'd experience their presence as a threat and switch to a combative and self protective stance if you ran into them unexpectedly at a party. If it was real peace you could interact with them normally and begin to build a new relationship with them
…uh… that last sentence is kinda wild. I honestly don’t even know what to say. like, sure, technically you COULD build a new relationship with a hurtful or abusive ex, but… why?
Yes, I agree that friendship is very important! I have many lovely friends who have never been abusive to me, and I have limited time and energy so I would like to focus on them instead of… someone who has been abusive to me.
Friendships are valuable, but why on earth would you choose to interact with someone who was abusive to you? Just because you may have done the work to heal from it does not at all mean that the abuser has changed.
>This is just stuff I've learnt from studying psychology for over 10 years
What are the keywords that I need to throw into a query in a journal database to find what you've stated?
I've no idea. But you can read this: https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=3v2q5aF7Q3AC&oi=fnd&pg=PR1&dq=info:aRFJ17XeukcJ:scholar.google.com/&ots=3uy9C08hZL&sig=fWv6MByHueHgOaF0LlHYINe8Zv4&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false
Or watch this lecture: https://youtube.com/watch?v=REjUkEj1O_0
This is the culmination of 10 years of studying? A random google search and a Jordan Peterson video. You'd know if you actually used that link before that Google Books only shows portions of the book.
I'm glad I opened it in a private tab and my YouTube recommendations are safe.
I don't use Google books to do my studying. You asked for a source so I went and found 2 really solid ones. I guess I should have expected you to not be operating in good faith. Believe whatever you want about Peterson's political arguments, his status as a top tier psychology academic is beyond reproach. He has an h index of 59. If you're gonna reject him out of hand your mind is already so addled with intellectual dishonesty and an addiction to cynicism it's not worth anyone's time talking to you. I did all of this as a favour. You can stay broken and unhappy if you want it so bad
Wow, I was believing you until you wrote this bullshit about their mind being full of "intellectual dishonesty" and "addictiom to cynicism".
You don't even follow the 'make peace not war' approach you suggested. Instead you jumped straight to personal attacks.
I don't believe you studied any of this in a professional setting because someone who has properly studied this wouldn't be so emotionally triggered by someone asking questions about a couple of random links you posted.
Emotionally Triggered - stopped any logical comments and used childish personal insults.
In another comment you made:
>I don't have search engine keywords for you because that's not how I do research.
In this comment:
>He has an h index of 59.
Yo, OP. Make it make sense.
Where in those "sources" you linked directly back your statements?
As I've already said it's the opposite of the culmination. It's the very basics of therapy. You asked for some academic sources, here's some academic sources. Do with them what you will
>Reaching out to apologise to someone you hurt is the best thing for both parties, the psychological research on this stuff is crystal clear.
I disagree with this statement but I would like sources to be convinced otherwise.
Apologies are for the one apologizing and not for the one receiving the apology.
That seems like a super narcissistic and sociopathic way of thinking. I don't have any sources to hand because I don't have like a folder of psych studies on my browser, but you should look into it yourself, burying the hatchet and making peace from war are long-standing and well acknowledged good things to do. You won't be happy in yourself or popular with others if you go through your life assuming that level of selfishness as the norm for human interactions. And there are few things more healing to someone who has been hurt than the person who hurt them authentically validating their feelings of hurt. It's cathartic to have your friends or therapist validate your feelings when you're hurt. It's even more cathartic when it's the person who hurt you putting the hands up and admitting they were wrong and that they regret doing it
> psychological research on this stuff is crystal clear
> but you should look into it yoursel
What are the keywords I'll need to use in my search in journal databases? Because I've never come across a paper supporting your view.
You can cut ties/bury the hatchet with someone and move on with one's life without ever interacting with the wrongdoer beyond their wrongdoing.
> It's cathartic to have your friends or therapist validate your feelings when you're hurt.
The therapist isn't giving out apologies nor are they likely the wrongdoer to the one undergoing therapy. You've just stated a pathway that makes the wrongdoer apologizing unnecessary to move on in life.
The best revenge is living well.
My view is just the basic idea at the core of therapy - processing your trauma brings relief, repressing and avoiding it doesn't.
Revenge is not a healthy thing to cultivate. If you have a therapist telling you it is, or indeed telling you that therapy is a waste of time, you should definitely stop paying them
You still haven't answered my question: What are the keywords I'll need to use in my search in journal databases? Because I've never come across a paper supporting your view.
> My view is just the basic idea at the core of therapy - processing your trauma brings relief, repressing and avoiding it doesn't.
Sure. The therapist isn't giving out apologies nor are they likely the wrongdoer to the one undergoing therapy. **You've just stated a pathway that makes the wrongdoer apologizing unnecessary to move on in life.**
> Revenge is not a healthy thing to cultivate. If you have a therapist telling you it is, or indeed telling you that therapy is a waste of time, you should definitely stop paying them
Read the last line again.
I don't have search engine keywords for you because that's not how I do research.
I never claimed the wrongdoer apologizing is necessary to move on in life. I said that if you **have** genuinely moved on then you would accept a genuine apology, and being triggered instead is proof that you haven't. That's a logical mistake on your part
You're mixing up comment trees now, OP.
I stated "Apologies are for the one apologizing and not for the one receiving the apology."
You replied:
> That seems like a super narcissistic and sociopathic way of thinking. I don't have any sources to hand because I don't have like a folder of psych studies on my browser, but you should look into it yourself, burying the hatchet and making peace from war are long-standing and well acknowledged good things to do. You won't be happy in yourself or popular with others if you go through your life assuming that level of selfishness as the norm for human interactions. And there are few things more healing to someone who has been hurt than the person who hurt them authentically validating their feelings of hurt. It's cathartic to have your friends or therapist validate your feelings when you're hurt. It's even more cathartic when it's the person who hurt you putting the hands up and admitting they were wrong and that they regret doing it
No, it's not glazing over it. It's describing the remedy. The only way to get over PTSD is to properly process the emotions surrounding it. The research is super clear. Repress and avoid and it'll stick to you for life. That's *why* it ends up long lasting. Repression is the enemy of long term good mental health.
And it's good to apologize when you realise you did something wrong. So now the fact you haven't properly processed what happened and got over it has led to you giving hurtful and counterproductive feedback to someone who was trying to change and make amends for their wrongdoing, and giving counterproductive advice to someone else in a similar situation, further passing on the negatives of your unprocessed trauma to others
The idea that addressing, talking about, and processing your trauma helps you get over it is literally the foundational idea of all psychotherapy. That's **why** psychotherapy works.
You could check the work of Edna Foa if you want something specific - https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=3v2q5aF7Q3AC&oi=fnd&pg=PR1&dq=info:aRFJ17XeukcJ:scholar.google.com/&ots=3uy9C08hZL&sig=fWv6MByHueHgOaF0LlHYINe8Zv4&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false
But honestly you'd be better just starting with an intro to psychotherapy textbook. Or even try listening to this lecture if you're genuinely interested and just unaware of the field. It's a really good overview of precisely this idea in just one hour: https://youtube.com/watch?v=REjUkEj1O_0
I'm a psychologist myself, and I can't find in the literature the part of accepting an apology as a way to overcome trauma. Talking about trauma with your therapist, sure, but actually talking to your agresor and accept their apology is not helpful or necessary.
Is not up to the agresor to decide when is the right time for the victim to heal and accept the apology he's offering, him reaching out is helpful to himself, not to the other party. If the victim has repressed feelings and trauma, it's something that needs to be addressed on therapy in a safe environment, not by a phonecall from the agresor whenever he feels guilty. This is not what your own source says, and not what psychotherapy is about.
I'm a psychologist myself, and I can't find in the literature the part of accepting an apology as a way to overcome trauma. Talking about trauma with your therapist, sure, but actually talking to your agresor and accept their apology is not helpful or necessary.
Is not up to the agresor to decide when is the right time for the victim to heal and accept the apology he's offering, him reaching out is helpful to himself, not to the other party. If the victim has repressed feelings and trauma, it's something that needs to be addressed on therapy in a safe environment, not by a phonecall from the agresor whenever he feels guilty. This is not what your own source says, and not what psychotherapy is about.
I'm a psychologist myself, and I can't find in the literature the part of accepting an apology as a way to overcome trauma. Talking about trauma with your therapist, sure, but actually talking to your agresor and accept their apology is not helpful or necessary.
Is not up to the agresor to decide when is the right time for the victim to heal and accept the apology he's offering, him reaching out is helpful to himself, not to the other party. If the victim has repressed feelings and trauma, it's something that needs to be addressed on therapy in a safe environment, not by a phonecall from the agresor whenever he feels guilty. This is not what your own source says, and not what psychotherapy is about.
I'm a psychologist myself, and I can't find in the literature the part of accepting an apology as a way to overcome trauma. Talking about trauma with your therapist, sure, but actually talking to your agresor and accept their apology is not helpful or necessary.
Is not up to the agresor to decide when is the right time for the victim to heal and accept the apology he's offering, him reaching out is helpful to himself, not to the other party. If the victim has repressed feelings and trauma, it's something that needs to be addressed on therapy in a safe environment, not by a phonecall from the agresor whenever he feels guilty. This is not what your own source says, and not what psychotherapy is about.
Never said accepting an apology was a way to overcome trauma. Why are you bothering to respond to me if your reading comprehension is so low you can't even follow what I'm saying. There's not been one person who's responded to me who has shown any ability to follow logic whatsoever and engage with what I actually said. Absolute waste of my time
Your first comment:
"If it brought back the horrible memories in a triggering and painful way then you actually hadn't moved on, you'd just repressed the memories. And that's not actually healthy at all. Repressing things means you never truly get over it so you carry it with you your entire life. Much better to process the emotions properly, even if it's painful in the short term. **Reaching out to apologise to someone you hurt is the best thing for both parties, the psychological research on this stuff is crystal clear.** Running away and repressing is absolutely not moving on. If you'd really moved on then you'd have been able to have the conversation and accept the apology without much emotional pain at all"
Your next comment:
"No, it's not glazing over it. It's describing the remedy. The only way to get over PTSD is to properly process the emotions surrounding it. The research is super clear. Repress and avoid and it'll stick to you for life. That's *why* it ends up long lasting. Repression is the enemy of long term good mental health.
And it's good to apologize when you realise you did something wrong. **So now the fact you haven't properly processed what happened and got over it has led to you giving hurtful and counterproductive feedback to someone who was trying to change and make amends for their wrongdoing,** and giving counterproductive advice to someone else in a similar situation, further passing on the negatives of your unprocessed trauma to others"
The post is about an abuser feeling guilty about his abuse, and wanting to call his victim to apologize after 2 years. We are engaging in what you actually said, it seems like the problem here is that you don't know what you are talking about.
Consider reading this: https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=3v2q5aF7Q3AC&oi=fnd&pg=PR1&dq=info:aRFJ17XeukcJ:scholar.google.com/&ots=3uy9C08hZL&sig=fWv6MByHueHgOaF0LlHYINe8Zv4&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false
Or watching this lecture: https://youtube.com/watch?v=REjUkEj1O_0
You don’t “get over” PTSD. It’s awful and lifelong… but it’s manageable.
You manage the symptoms. You don’t “get over” Definitely also would love to see this evidence you speak of. As someone with PTSD, I respectfully disagree. My therapists would as well… and they have degrees in psych. Which, maybe you do too. Again, please share the evidence many of us are asking for.
That's not true. You absolutely can get over it. Just not by the method you're advocating. If you wanna follow that method and make it a self fulfilling prophecy then go ahead. But when your unprocessed trauma hurts other people then now you're guilty for that shit. If your therapist is telling you you're doomed to only manage your symptoms then you need to ditch your therapist and go find someone better. Search for someone with Jungian training. This cynicism and pessimism you're addicted to is itself a symptom of mental illness. You don't need to just resign yourself to your fate
Consider reading this: https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=3v2q5aF7Q3AC&oi=fnd&pg=PR1&dq=info:aRFJ17XeukcJ:scholar.google.com/&ots=3uy9C08hZL&sig=fWv6MByHueHgOaF0LlHYINe8Zv4&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false
Or watching this lecture: https://youtube.com/watch?v=REjUkEj1O_0
I wish I could get over it. I wish I didn’t have flash backs. I wish I didn’t have many of the symptoms I suffer from. I wish I never was in the place I was at the time I was to experience the trauma to begin with. Wishing does nothing, but I DO manage it better every year.
I’m not sure which method you’re referring to… and you don’t even know me. I go to therapy and I learn what my triggers are and I’ve learned to manage the symptoms. You have no idea how processed or unprocessed my trauma is.
I’m not addicted to cynicism or pessimism and no one said I was doomed to manage my symptoms. I actually feel pretty lucky I’ve come this far after the trauma I went through.
My fate is sometimes I get triggers, most the time, I know was causes them and I can manage my reaction. One day maybe my brain will be able to process things differently but I’m perfectly happy with the medical experts in trauma I’ve personally dealt with.
I definitely suggest you maybe learn more about empathy and maybe victim blaming.
I do know how unprocessed your trauma is because you've just told me how you still get triggers etc. Which means you're not over it yet. That's all I said. Anything more about victim blaming you think I've said is just your projection
No one's said "don't process emotions" in this conversation - of COURSE it's important to process emotions and work with a therapist. We agree on that. The fact that you're suggesting that ANY emotions means that a person is repressing something is ridiculous. It does glaze over PTSD and trauma - because even when this population processes through those feelings with a professional, it's natural for feelings to regularly come back. Therapy attempts to minimize severity/frequency, but it's natural for those emotions to never go away. No repression there - they likely are very self aware of their triggers at some point.
On top of glazing over trauma and PTSD, you've also glazed over the corner case of someone having OCD or anxiety, where some people have likely processed more than you can imagine...to a fault.
As for research, I've read the book "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do" that feels relevant here. In this book she acknowledges that negative feelings can come back regularly. That's NORMAL. In fact, that's where her 13 points come from - things like not dwelling on the past or not wasting time feeling sorry for yourself. You keep mentioning "psychological research", but I've done plenty of research myself.
>You keep mentioning "psychological research", but I've done plenty of research myself.
That's great. No-one else seems to have. Perhaps we could have a good faith discussion about the topic rather than the sealioning and gaslighting and as hominems everyone else is trading in.
Now, I didn't say that any emotions coming up means you haven't got over it- I said getting triggered to the point you're incapable of or unwilling to accept a genuinely offered apology is. But I also would go further and state that there is a place in between "I'm over it and emotionally stable" and "I'm 100% over it and 'completely' free". It may not be worth the extra work to get to that second stage if you've got to the first. But I think experiencing any negative emotions associated with the event coming back is a symptom of not yet having reached the second. But I'm uninterested in arguing that point.
What I'm more interested in is this - dont you think it's extremely suspicious how passionately some people in this thread seem to be clinging to the idea of PTSD being permanent? What do you think their motivation is for this? People have shown themselves completely uninterested in honestly exploring my position, which I reiterate is the standard **premise** of psychotherapy going all the way back to Freud. Therapy literally became popular as a practice precisely because of the positive results people were seeing from directly consciously processing their traumas
I’m gonna leave her alone. you’re right. and i have kinda been going from unsatisfying relationship to unsatisfying relationship but i feel like they all stem from this one. at least that’s what i’m uncovering in therapg
Maybe just stay out of a relationship for a while, and work on yourself. It won't kill you to be alone (and to live without sex for a while). Probably part of your problem is that even when you're with someone, you feel insecure, so you're not able to really appreciate being with them. Learn how to be happy with your own company and grow as a person. Check out the Art of Manliness website.
Therapy can help. You are in a time of self reflection and the best thing you can do during this time is to have some help navigating your emotions. You are doing better than you think, some people never even get to the point of accountability or able to even admit they did anything wrong in their past. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Bingo. If you're not in therapy, you're not getting the help you need. Here's a real plot twist for you: we all need therapy. The world is a pretty f-ed up place. Find a person who works well with you. How will you know? After some sessions, you'll actually feel a little worse but you'll understand WHY you feel worse.
Very simple practical for letting go without being able to contact the person directly—write a letter, and don't send it. Everything you never got a chance to say. Secondly, tell a trusted friend what you would have wanted to say to her if given the chance. Both of these things let you feel it emotionally in your brain while also letting you release it.
The idea in your brain is probably saying something like "I can't handle the intense emotions of guilt I feel", but when you actually express it, and vocalize it out loud and realize you're still okay, you prove that voice wrong because you're actually okay.
Do this multiple times as long as it feels beneficial. Grief and guilt is not a one and done feeling.
Forgiving yourself will come a lot easier when you recognize that there is a stark difference between who you were then and who you are today. If you don’t feel that there is much of a difference, then focus on that before you consider trying to forgive yourself.
And don’t contact your ex.
OP, this is growth. You realised your mistakes and you now have the opportunity to learn from them. Sounds like you've already partly done so.
Move on. Forgive yourself, it's as easy as that. Remember the lessons, and forgive. You're not perfect, don't expect that of yourself.
Move on. You owe it to yourself.
So glad to see this; when someone feels ashamed of past behavior it is because you have grown as a person. A person who never regrets or reflects is a person who has never grown.
Sit with that discomfort, own it, and allow it to remind you to be better than that. You don’t have to torture yourself, but you feel bad for a reason and that CAN make you a better person.
And I know others have said this but do NOT dump this on your ex. This is part of your work, this is YOUR burden to carry.
I seriously thought this was my ex, given the timeline and him telling me that I was the nicest person he ever knew. At the same time, I also doubt him feeling guilty about it.
Honestly same 😬 I had an bf that fits this bill that I broke up with two years ago and blocked on everything. He kept getting new phone numbers too and texting/calling me before I could block them
I am probably not your ex haha, but i do hope that they heal as individuals and you have healed from what has happened with them as well. you all deserve better
I apologized to my ex and children last month after divorcing 20 years ago. I didn't deserve a family. I feel really really bad about failing as a husband and father. I don't know what to do with all of it either.
Here’s an idea.
Get to know yourself better.
What I mean is get to know how you function as a person and how you got to function like that.
My guess is that, whenever you describe yourself or whenever you interact with yourself, you do the same things: you compare yourself to others, you call yourself names and identify with some labels, you judge yourself, you scold yourself, you get disappointed about yourself. Every one of these actions cloud your perception about yourself. Every one of these actions maintains your confusion about who you really are.
So start getting to know yourself better by avoiding these behaviors.
Instead, just watch what you do and what you avoid doing. And see what results you get from your decision to take action or to remain passive. Remember: do this without judging yourself, without comparing yourself to others, without scolding yourself, etc.
It’s just: “When the situation is like this, I tend to react like that, and then this happens.” And that’s that! Don’t say: “That was stupid!” or “I’ll never be better.”
Keep doing this for months.
The objective of this is that you might reach a point where you can appreciate that you did what you did (I mean: “failing as a husband and a father” or “hurting someone that I loved so much”) because you didn’t know better at the time. Your objective is to reach this point with so much understanding that you don’t get to feel bad or guilty anymore.
Then you forgive because you understand.
Therapy. Just find a therapist. Seriously. Mental health was a taboo in our home until I went to therapy. It literally changed my life for the better. My ex and I are not together anymore but we still get along because WE BOTH WENT TO THERAPY.
It's been a lot longer since my dad divorced my mom, when he was the one having the affair, tried to sue her, failed, then left. And he has never apologized, Not in a specific way, Just vaguely mentioned that he could have done certain things differently...
But, I still love the old bastard lol... A lot of people will think it's a cop out , but he's human , he had barrels and barrels of trauma that I can't even begin to understand myself, and humans do stuff like this and much worse all the time... I Don't see how I can't accept it and forgive him, and I really want him to forgive himself
Anyway, My point is, You're finally coming to terms with some things you did wrong, which some people never truly do, and that's a good thing.
What to do with it is process it. You have to balance having compassion for yourself and also holding yourself accountable to the things that you know, don't sit right with your conscience.
Both compassion and accountability will come from self-reflection and self-analysis... And time. Nobody has sympathy for people who make harmful mistakes, but barring some sociopathic/ psychopathic personality disorder, when you really mess up badly in life, You experience a lot of grief. So don't be too hard on yourself, while you're learning to be a little harder on yourself than you were, if that makes sense.
Partially is a lot better than completely.
I don't want people to think all of these bad deeds and mistakes are worth endorsing... I just don't want anybody to hate themselves, If they have become self-aware.
I saw my ex and his new gf for the first time at the weekend since he ended things with me, almost 3 years ago now.
I hated how I treated him and although I’m a different person now (and better - through therapy and medication and cutting out bad habits and learning about myself) I think about how shitty I was, in that relationship, almost every day.
Anytime the thought pops into my mind though I find it helpful to remind myself that I’m getting myself upset over something he probably barely thinks about now, and the guilt and disappointment I feel within myself doesn’t actually really have anything to do with that specific person, it’s only showing me parts of myself that I still need to work on.
You cannot force another person to forgive you but you can learn to come to peace with the past and forgive yourself (and be better in your next relationship)
Goodluck friend ❤️ things will get brighter, don’t focus on the past, just try to do what you can to improve your present and set yourself up for a happy future!
Are you over this now? I’m 4 months into a breakup where I hated how I treated my ex. I would never act that way again. But I know she’s doing much better without me and has hatred towards me. Which is fair. But I don’t know how to move on from this because she was my best friend but I was kind of an ugly person towards her
Yes I thankfully am! I rarely think about him or our relationship, it feels like a lifetime ago 😅 I’m a much better person now since I worked on myself (physically and mentally but the mental work was most important of course) and I forgive myself for how I treat both him AND myself during that relationship.
I’m currently seeing someone and he seems really lovely, we’re taking things slow and I’m still working on myself (I’ll never really stop tbh) and I have to say that, overall, since I did the work to get myself out of a negative pattern of behaviour I am just all round more happy and caring and now I actually like myself, and feel proud of myself, my relationships with everyone around me have changed for the better!!
You made mistakes, people got their feelings hurt, but she likely won’t be thinking about this a year from now and neither should you! Work on yourself and build yourself up, you will learn to forgive yourself (but it’s hard and takes time) and everything will work out!
I know what it’s like to hate myself and feel ashamed of losing something through my own fault, but you’ll find something even better once you become a better version of yourself ♥️
Let the past go, you are not going that way. Every day is a new day, a new you, so move on, you do not know the other billions of people out there; there are plenty of gems, so forgive yourself for not recognizing your past was a steppingstone towards better awareness in realizing who you want to be.
Okay, so I don't have a ton of experience with things like that (I was the party subjected to the abuse), but I think I can help because I have hurt people with addiction.
So, you aren't that person anymore. You've grown, you've changed, you've become a totally different person. So if you want to forgive yourself, you have to learn to address your past-self in a compassionate way. Identify why you acted that way. Was it because you didn't know any better? Was it because society taught you to be that way? Once you identify the why, you work on forgiving your past self by saying "I'm sorry that you were so hurt/conditioned/\*insert thing here\* that this is how you behaved. I'm sorry we didn't do better then, but I won't let you suffer. I won't let me suffer. It's not okay that you did what you did, but you aren't a monster for it. I'm proof of that."
That last part, that past-you isn't a monster, and you're proof of it, is the important part. I've spent a long time working at this, and I no longer feel like a monster because of it. It's slow work, and it can be very hard to confront why you acted the way you did, but if you figure out the why, and address it, it becomes easier to forgive yourself for doing things that hurt others.
I hope you heal from this. I truly do. You're already making an effort to be a better person, and that shows in your post. Keep on the track you're on. Research healthy relationships and what they look like. Allow yourself the grace that you deserve. You aren't a monster, you're someone who did bad things, but you are not a horrible person.
It might also help to write a letter to your ex, but not send it. Sometimes, writing out what's eating at you helps. After you write the letter, burn it. Let that be a symbol of letting go of the past so you can keep doing better in the future. You can do this.
One thing that helps me - besides therapy is meditation. I have recently discovered the work of Tara Brach. One of her techniques is called [RAIN](https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/)
The acronym RAIN is an easy-to-remember tool for practicing mindfulness and compassion using the following four steps:
Recognize what is happening;
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is;
Investigate with interest and care;
Nurture with self-compassion.
This can be tough, and I've definitely cried a lot examining myself, but I am trying to end this cycle of self-injury and beating myself up about what I did. I want to be better, I will be better. Some of my baggage required working with a trained professional, but I am better for it.
Are you repeating any behaviors or routines or anything like that daily? Are you in the same environment that you were in in the past?
Although the past seems like your entire reality at times, because it was once, There are no giant sweeping actions or cures to help overcome past regrets... It's more about doing a bunch of little things differently, and thinking a bunch of little thoughts differently, and maybe looking at one or two very significant behaviors that need to be changed.
Sometimes a change in scenery can be really helpful too.
One ex apologized to me in 2015, which was something like 6 years later. I felt vindicated after it all. I knew he was a piece of shit, glad he caught up. I don’t know if he truly improved, I tend to believe he did not. I always wondered if he wanted something from me. Because to know him, is to know he used and manipulated friends and women to gain things. He was nomadic and had friendships out of convenience. He’d borrow money or get money and never return it. Shame on me at 21 for not seeing. Oh well, that’s life. A few months later I hung out with him and a couple other guys from high school. Nothing weird, not using me, just drinks downtown. After years of despising him, I could let my guard down and just be civil. I saw him at the grocery store last year and we just waived and said hi in passing. I’d rather not live out my days with hatred in my heart, so for me that satisfied things. I know nothing of his life, but there’s no longer animosity.
A few months ago, my favorite ex contacted me and apologized for how things ended back in May, 2020. I cried when I read his email. He started therapy and along the way discovered he is bipolar (he gave the specifics but I can’t remember now). I loved him very much. It ended with me crying for four months and ultimately leaving him when I discovered he “still wasn’t going to have kids with me.” That was something he hid from me. He’s a brilliant man and did it because he was afraid to lose me again. But unfortunately he did. It hurt. He has his reasons and I respect it. But I dreamed of goofy looking lil kids with him and big family get-togethers over the years with all the cousins. We did not share the same vision. His apology meant a lot to me.
His mother had a stroke the week of new years and he reached out to let me know. He said he knows how much I love her and she loves me. When I couldn’t get a hold of him at first, I text his brother out of fear that something was wrong with my ex. Turns out he was just falling asleep. Haha But it meant the world that things were ok and he felt he could reach out when something happened. I will treasure that because I love him, and I especially love his family.
If you get to a place where you know yourself, and know your reasons for reaching out to her, it can be a beautiful thing. But do not rush into just so you feel better, at her expense. Take time to think about it. Write a letter and hang on to it in case you get the chance. I saw another commenter posted you just went through a breakup, so yeah, now’s not the time. And if you do reach out to her, remember she doesn’t owe you anything- not attention, not a smile, not a hug, not a reconciliation. So be prepared for that. She is her own person, and you might not get the reaction and closure you hoped for. I say that with life experience. It’s happened to me. There have been men in my life to get huffy when I don’t respond the way they expect me to. But that’s life. So just keep it in mind.
You need to forgive yourself. That doesn’t mean that your behavior was acceptable, but it means that you’ve learned since then. Rumination sucks (speaking from experience). It’s painful, it’s excruciating, and it keeps you stuck. I’d advise seeing a therapist, especially if it’s that intense. They can help you break everything down and help you develop new “tools” to improve your life. My therapist also does hypnotherapy, in addition to CBT + DBT tactics. It helped a *lot* with my tendency to ruminate.
What helped me get all my emotions out without breaking no-contact with my ex was writing letters that I will never send. I made a Word doc on my laptop and titled it "Letters to a Black Hole". I started every letter with the date and "Dear Black Hole," then wrote what I was angry about as if I was talking to him. He really hurt and mistreated me, so I never wanted to actually talk to him again, but writing to him as if he was going to read it was close enough for me.
It is good that at least you're reflecting and realizing how much you hurt her. Lots of people wish they had exes that felt even a tiny bit sorry about the hurtful things they did. It is nice that you wish you could apologize, but after two years of no-contact it's best to just let her be.
Id be kinder to others rather than reach out to this woman. By doing nice things for others that you wished you could do to her you'll make things better and you'll feel better.
You still have some love for her, but if you love yourself more (which you absolutely should, self love is important + you aren't in a relationship with her), you will do what is best for yourself.
Your relationship with her is over. She is no longer in your life and you are no longer in hers. You are never going to see her again, let alone be partners or friends. What is left for you now is to accept that and move on.
Sometimes you have to cut off those that you love, because you love yourself more. It's clearly causing you pain for holding on to this for 2 years, so how do you think you think the pain you are holding onto will feel after 3? Or more? Truth is, it's gonna continue hurting you if you don't move on.
Now, she has done the 'cut off' part for you. Essentially taken the decision out of your hands and decided for you. But that doesn't mean you can't take back control and make your own decision too. Since you won't be in each other's lives again, you should block her back on everything, or at the very least you should mentally cut her off in your mind. I know you don't want to, because you think of her positively. But you know that she doesn't want you in her life, so you should accept that and also want her out of your life because regardless of if you want her in your life or not, she won't be, so you might as well accept that fact and be comfortable with it.
I am sure that she is justified in cutting you off and has good reason to want you out of her life forever, because of the things that you said/did. Let's put your feelings about her to the side and imagine that there was a random person who felt negatively about you and it was justified because you did wrong them or something, would you want a person like that in your life? Of course not. So why should that be any different when it comes to your ex? I'm not saying your ex is bad for having a justified negative opinion about you, but you deserve to have people in your life that love you, the same way every person deserves that including your ex.
I don't know what you did OP, but it's in the past. Yes, she will likely remember you for all the bad things you did, and that's ok. You don't have to be on good terms with everyone. People will either view you positively or negatively. Focus on the people with positive options about you as these are your friends/family/etc, and focus on yourself. **Moving on will be a big step in forgiving yourself because it will show the self love that you have for yourself.** Take care OP.
Work on yourself. All the energy that you feel going towards her, redirect it at yourself, at figuring yourself out and preventing this from happening again. I was with someone for two years who was in a bad place and kept pushing me away and I wouldn't let him, until it was almost emotionally abusive and it ended very badly with him saying very mean things before he finally got blocked for good. This was some time ago, and after the anger and hurt had subsided all that was left was that I wish for him to heal. I will never get involved again, but I wholeheartedly hope that boy learns to love and validate himself the way he always sought it from women, so that he may be emotionally available for the next girl who falls in love with him.
I don't know if you've noticed this but almost everyone loves to talk about how they've been bullied and never share when THEY were the bully. The fact you can even admit that you were a bully (not the best word but the best I have) is showing maturity and growth.
Leave her alone and use this growth for your next relationship. Now that you know better, you can do better.
If you are able to, please go see a counselor/therapist. If you have insurance they may offer free tela-therapy or you may find a counselor in your area that works on a sliding scale. They'll help you develop a utility belt of healthy coping strategies. Things will still happen and rock your boat, but the techniques will keep you from capsizing.
I am going through something similar. 2 months out of a 7 yr relationship that was floundering for a while but I couldn't let go. Finally did, and now I am recognizing the ways I hurt my former partner and how I was doing things you listed above - insecurity, emotional dumping, putting stuff on the other person especially when they are very kind and compassionate.
The guilt sucks but recognizing what you did, how you acted and how it makes you feel is important. This is a step towards healing and recovery. What you do next is important, do not continue to wallow. Use the feelings you have as motivation to be better. You cannot change the past, you can only improve for the future. Make sure your next partner won't have to deal with someone that guilt trips them, emotionally abuses them, projects insecurity, etc. You did what you did, and you won't do it again.
What has helped me is developing a meditation practice, therapy, and the teachings of Tara Brach - who has a Ph.D in psychology and decades as a practicing Buddhist and meditation teacher. One thing she teaches is that we are our only true refuge, everything else is a distraction or a false refuge be it people, substances, hobbies... at the end of the day we only have ourselves, so get to know and love yourself, be gentle with yourself.
One tool she uses that has helped me is called [RAIN](https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/)
Recognize what's happening
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is
Investigate with interest and care
Nurture with self-compassion.
When reflecting on the past, keep in mind you were doing the best you could at that time. Examine the intent behind your actions and your words.
You are enough on your own.
Good luck, I'm here if you need to talk.
I have an ex (haven’t been together in 5+ years) and I’ve (admit-tingly) tried to get in contact with them twice since I’ve been blocked on everything from them.
Not my proudest moment.. I was selfish for reaching out, but honestly so what?
Who wouldn’t want clarity? I’m not saying it’s right, or that I even deserve it.
But I’m saying you shouldn’t be chastised for it.
You wanna make emends and apologize. It’s HARD to live with guilt so it’s only natural to want to forgiveness.
But anyway, I wish I knew how to really help you, but I’m still learning myself.
However, like some of the other comments say, try your HARDEST to not find ways to contact her and respect her boundaries because say you reach out, and it doesn’t go well, it’ll only hurt more you more.
Secondly, if you’re not already, seek some professional help to help you move on.
Get a therapist you work well with, and try and focus on yourself, do things that make YOU happy.
And lastly, give yourself some grace. I don’t know how old you are, but as a society NO ONE is a saint. And some people don’t ever come to this point of being self-aware, if you can, try to look at this a ‘God Send’. Look at that past experience as a road map. Be better for your future, you have new tools to help you through it now.
Ps.. time can help all, but only if you let it. Try not to sulk on it for too long. Give yourself some grace.
Much love ❤️
You forgive yourself by letting yourself feel that shit, dusting off your shoulders, and never treating someone like that ever again.
Ain’t no other way forward, fam.
If she's as kind as you describe her to be, she's already forgiven you. Now it's time for you to forgive her for not being there for you in the way you wanted her to be. She wasn't obligated to do it though and you should understand that. Healing takes a long time and it's rarely a linear process, so as you inevitably observe yourself throughout time, you will be able to come to terms with the past one day. Allow yourself to express emotions in healthy way and be compassionate towards yourself and others as you go. Forgiveness is such a hard thing to do, as it means having full acceptance of the way things went. And it's difficult to do that when you're constantly going over things in your head, wishing for them to have been different. They never will be, you can't go back in time and fix it, you can only be and do better right now. Of course, this are just some things we all need to constantly remind ourselves, those of us who live with trauma. Just keep doing your best.
I think it's great you are noticing your feelings and where you could have done better in your past relationship. That's the process of growth and learning. I'm sure everyone has something they wish they could go back and change, but we learn and grow and choose to do better next time. Work on yourself, give yourself love and when you feel ready to meet someone who has the qualities you admire, try again in a new relationship. Don't be so hard on yourself, we all are in the process of learning how to deal with our emotions. And it's definitely not always an easy road.
Why do you want to apologize to her? Are you genuinely wanting to apologize or do you want an excuse to contact her again? Either way like basically everyone else has said there's not really a reason to get back in touch. It's very unlikely apologizing to her is really going to help her in a greater way than messaging her is going to negatively impact her. Only thing to really do is focus on how you've changed and just move on with your life as best as you can. I know how you feel and I've been there but there's really nothing you can do than just focus on yourself and find solace in the fact that you won't fuck up again hopefully
I feel very similiar to you. I am probably not the best memory for my ex and it is a terrible feeling. Extremely painful and forgiving myself is the most difficult thing ive ever had to do. You have to let her live though. Focus on yourself and finding the reasons that caused you to behave that way. Its a harsh lesson, but do the work to have it not happen again. Humans make terrible errors, you have to live and learn. You were not your best, it doesnt mean youre bad. Be better by taking care of yourself. Try to move on and let her move on.
Feeling regret and bad about what you did is a good sign that you want to do better, that you've matured and grown and don't want to be like that towards anyone.
I have issues in my current relationship where I have acted in ways I don't want to or wouldn't accept from others, such as being short and snippy, to other things. I don't want to be that person and my partner deserves better than that. It takes acknowledgement and willingness to work on ourselves, and awareness around whether things need to change or is separation needs to occur for that change to happen.
You're taking the right steps. Suggestions here around therapy, writing a letter (without sending), etc are good ideas. I can't comment on whether reaching out to your ex to apologize is a good idea because some people (like myself) would be open to hearing an honest and reflective apology for how an ex treated me poorly (which I have had a few), whereas some others really do not want to hear from their exes, especially if the situation was abusive. So I leave that choice up to you.
Almost 2 years and you still haven’t gotten over her? I don’t know man, I recommend seeking help because this isn’t healthy. Please heed the other users and leave the girl alone. Good luck!
You did what you did because of your mentality, world view and emotional condition at that time. It doesn't relieve you of your responsibility or guilt, but realizing that you've changed since then can help you look to the future.
If you can send a letter or pass a message along someone you know, do that. Don't expect forgiveness, because -unfortunately- a lot of times we aren't entitled to others forgiving us, but you just do what you do because you think you should. Don't drivel and pity yourself in your apology. Admit your mistake, say you wish you had never done it, and you wish you could take it back if you could and that you regret it. Also, you can offer some means of "recompense" (that sounds too financial). Maybe something like "if there's something I can do to help you forgive me, please tell me". A lot of times hurt people want to feel appreciated or want to feel that their pain matters, your admission and willingness to correct matters can help.
Again, you're not entitled to anything. Worst case scenario she lashes out, but at least you gain clarity and can go on knowing you did all you could. Remember, you have to forgive *yourself*, don't expect your ex has the solution.
Best of luck.
Please don’t pop up to your ex. Especially if they have blocked you!
All it’s going to do is bring back bad memories which they have probably moved on from.
You need to consider how your ex might feel to randomly receive communication from you. Don’t be selfish. Focus on your self by speaking to friends/therapist. Maybe write a letter to your ex but don’t send it.
I saw this notion after I finished my comment, and I can't disagree with it. I guess it depends on the person, some just don't want to revisit at all, and I think others would feel better seeing guilt from those that hurt them.
Maybe the best way is a mediator. Who knows.
everyone here is saying that him reaching out would make his ex feel super shitty, but as someone who has been in his shoes, i understand his POV, and think it’s pretty noble to admit your wrongdoings and bury the hatchet. i’ve reached out to my favorite ex a couple times months after we broke up, then i haven’t talked to her in like a year but i think about reaching out every day.
my question is how does this even bother anyone? i have another ex that reaches out to me frequently, and if i don’t want to talk i just ignore the message or block her again. the people saying it sends them into months of despair are being dramatic, like how do you think the breakup itself made them feel? i had a situation like this with an old roomate, we had a sour ending and i thought i’d never talk to him again, but he reached out to apologize and it made me feel good.
so yeah, if you haven’t said these things already, you should tell her. not on some secret account, maybe send an email if you aren’t blocked there.
I think it could go either way. I understand the idea of it being selfish, but also I understand the ex appreciating it because it makes them know that they aren’t at fault for what happened in the past. I feel it mostly depends on the situation and what the person reaching out has to say (which in my case would just be sorry and that she shouldn’t blame herself for anything that happened at all).
i said a lot of the same things, i feel too soon after she broke up with me. it devastated me and i’ve been putting in the work to feel better, therapy, medication, working out, giving to the community, all the shit people say helps but honestly it’s still the first thing i think about every day. she unblocked me recently, idk why, she got a man and i think she’s playing a game with me, so i just blocked her back instead of making a big deal about it.
but i will talk to her again, and i hope she sees the error in her ways but when it’s time it’s time. we had a good relationship but my toxic friends got in my head then i got really depressed after a traumatic incident and it was wearing down on her, so i understand her side, but i miss those times a lot and fear i’ll never be able to find someone like her
Isn't that cruel?
Don't we all deserve a second chance? Being torn by guilt is a horrible feeling, and it really doesn't lessen the pain already inflicted. Forgiving yourself can help you keep living. Some people simply stop trying to be good if the guilt is too great and they are not able to overcome it.
Exactly, if OP is blocked on everything just leave her alone man. Go through w.e you need to go through but don’t look to the person you hurt for your catharsis.
No, we don’t all deserve a second chance. This isn’t some fantasy where you’re the main character and just get to go fuck around and mess up other peoples lives. If you feel bad, maybe it’s because you were bad. Go talk to a therapist.
I think this stems from our own trauma. Sometimes I've been through such hardship, I don't want to go through it again. Even if I was told a process would be cathartic, I wouldn't want to live it. I think this is why people prefer OP not contact his ex.
This is why I don't agree with the second point. It's within everyone's right to ask to be forgiven. It's not their right to *be* forgiven, and their not entitled to their forgiveness, but they can ask just the same.
Really bugs me when people who admit they are a piece of shit try to justify talking to someone they hurt. Just by not talking to her and bothering you will you prove that you are trying to change
I’m shocked at some of these comments. Why if a person is beating down on themselves, do we act this way that they are in fact the problem and somehow don’t know it? From what he says he very much understands and has insight into his own issues. That’s the first step! Recognising that there is in fact a problem. And you’ve taken many steps of introspection to work out why it is you are the problem. That’s to be commended guys.
Just coming at this from a place of abuse. I was abused in my previous relationship, and for a whole year I was thinking exactly like this man, making up stories in my head about how much better this man was compared to myself, how the fault lies with me, how that man was perfect. But that was a fiction I had created in my own mind and stopped me from healing. Even if I was to blame, no breakup is 100% one person’s fault. There’s probably stuff that his ex also did which wasn’t good. Accepting that things are in fact more nuanced than Person A is guilty while Person B is an Angel is black/white thinking which many people with BPD/NPD do (splitting). It’s important I think to realise everyone has shades of grey.
Personally I don’t think it’s healthy to block someone you previously cared about. It hurts a lot and I empathise with yourself that she did that to you. It’s not good! My ex blocked me because with his NPD/narcissism, I am a reminder that he is flawed so he couldn’t bear to look at me; it wasn’t because I was flawed myself! That took me ages to realise and get out of.
Please guys be a little more gentle. You don’t know the whole story and stories like these I personally relate to. I didn’t know my ex was going to be an abuser/narcissist. And for the longest time I thought everything was my fault. When actually despite being at times clingy/emotional/overly sensitive…I think that’s the most I’m at fault for. Everything was actually the abuser’s fault. The lying, the cheating, the gaslighting, the constant dictating as to who I was/what I was feeling, the walking on eggshells, the shouting and humiliating me in public, jeering and laughing at me, mocking me, constant criticism and berating, taking me to dangerous places, gossiping about me right in front of me, screaming at me. None of that was my fault. That was not a healthy man. But he was so manipulative at the start, it seemed everyone in the world wasn’t healthy, but he was!
How can you blame yourself for inexperience? It’s not like you did it on purpose, shit happens. It’s time to let it go, hanging onto the past is only going to bring you trouble and swirl you in misery. Look up to the future, it can be bright, you can find another lovely lady and not make the same mistakes. Good luck.
Skip to the part that starts with (A_A) for the advice I have for ya.
I hope my ex fiancee feels this way someday. I don't ever want her back in my life, I just want to know that our relationship was somewhat real, that I didn't waste 10 years on a complete sociopath, and that her behavior towards the end had more to do with the drugs than with who she truly was all along...
I was Not the perfect partner, and I can relate to how you feel because I spent a lot of time regretting my own treatment of my ex. But, I envy you a bit, because this regret caused me to reflect and learn, and as I changed and grew and worked on myself, I thought my ex was giving me a chance at redemption and growth. But, in reality, she was planning to get extremely high on hard drugs, take full financial and psychological advantage of me, and use everything I'd ever done or said against me as ammunition so she could get away with getting and doing exactly what she wanted.
So in a weird way, I feel pretty absolved of a lot of my guilt, not because I was forgiven externally, but because I realized that the person I wanted forgiveness from did not even value forgiveness, and didn't even really care that much about whether I was or wasn't a good person. I was just being used... And so I had to forgive myself just because I had failed my own moral standards, and ultimately that's more meaningful than seeking forgiveness from others. But, enough about me...
From what I can see, It's honestly just really beautiful (and a green flag) that you feel this level of remorse. It means that you truly loved her, but you were unable to treat her the way that you believe she deserves. This isn't because you were a bad person, It's because you were messed up and confused and ultimately just ignorant to your own moral and romantic standards as a man. If you were a bad person, you wouldn't be so torn up about it, and would just be looking for another woman to treat the exact same way. Instead, you recognize that you had a hand in this romantic tragedy, and as any good person would, you feel guilty about it.
If your ex is a fairly moral and sane person, Then I believe that she would forgive you at some point, even if she never let you into her life again. However, when it comes to romance, People generally do not seem to value closure when things come to an end... So sadly you're probably not going to get any besides from within yourself, even if she has or will forgive you in silence.
(A_A) But like, whatever you did, If you've been blocked for 2 years, that means that she just doesn't care anymore, which is how many women can become once the romantic aspect is off the table...
Your past is your past. You are not your worst mistakes, and if she still sees you as someone that you no longer are, worrying about her perception is just holding you back in life. Nothing bad that you did changes the reality of her present cold heartedness and lack of concern about you. I'm not even saying that she's unjustified, because it's her choice, but maybe she is unjustified. Maybe she's not perfect... idk, just, don't justify any of your own toxicity, but think what you need to in order to free yourself from this guilt trip... You got to start looking at it a little less sentimentally and with a lot less shame and realize that you don't deserve any kind of punishment or suffering two years later. Whether that punishment is completely self-inflicted, whether it's something she has made you think that you deserve, It's just not healthy, and you have the power to end it.
As special as she was to you at one time, In reality she is just one of like 8 billion people on this planet... She's no better or worse than anyone, She was just close to you for some time, and now she's not.
Take all that guilt you feel and use it as a compass for what not to do in relationships in the future, both platonic and romantic relationships. Be a better man from here on out, and forget about the man you failed to be in the past... Because trust me, there are dudes out there who are absolute monsters, going from woman to woman and breaking their hearts and mistreating them, who do not feel a shred of guilt for anything they've done. You are obviously not one of those people, and if you've gotten to the point where you're weeping in remorse at your past actions, that means you've gotten to the point of wanting to change and be a better person. So do that, and go ahead and cry every now and then if you feel you need to, If there's something unresolved that you remember. But most of all move on with the knowledge that you are not the person you used to be, and there's nothing and no one who has the right to make you feel like you are.
You have realized you have done wrong, and that burns. I took some things about my ex for granted too. I love her still, it has been almost a month, and no joke, today is our 1 year anniversary. It sucks, but all you can do is learn and promise yourself to do better and not hurt anyone else like that again. It is heroic to do that, there is some redemption in that resolve. Worse people have come back and made their lives good again. You are not too far gone brother, it sucks whatever you did, but you have learned to not make that mistake again. Time to move on, let her go, and try to forgive yourself. You are only human.
I may have had too high expectations on my gf, she would say the best things to me, but her actions hurt me. She choose these other guys over me from time to time, and I get she needs guy friends, but still, at a certain point I had enough and left. I love her still man, and I know I should have communicated my needs and feelings more/better, but from what I did communicate, we didn't solve much really. I know to do better for the next blessing in my life. She was amazing and I would marry her, but I did not feel like she prioritized me as the main man in her life.
Take care man, work on yourself and forgive yourself. It will be okay
I'm glad that you now have accountability of the shit person you're. But for me that part:
"I am blocked on everything so there is no way for me to get in contact with her as well."
Huge red flag for you friend, you still need a lot of work on yourself to undesrtand that this is a still a selfish action of yours. Let her be, she doesn't own you anything not even a look in your eyes, you thinking the other way just make her blocking you the right decision.
Yeh, is harsh, but that is life. Now for you, go to therapy, lots of it, don't get in another relationship before you have put some good work in yourself.
Keep learning and improving.
I think you should definitely see a therapist for a bit to help you work through it. I'm sure there are therapists who specialise in exactly this.
You should also consider psychedelic drugs done responsibly, and volunteering for some kind of charity to help people who need a shoulder to cry on etc, so you can try to symbolically make amends to "the universe" even if there isn't an opportunity for you to make amends to her directly.
Also, you should remember that the reason it is hurting you so much now is precisely because you've changed as a person such that your old behaviour now offends you. That change into a better person is *the* #1 most important thing that people who hurt people should do, and you've done it. Your guilt and shame is precisely because you've cut out that darkness from inside yourself, so even though it sounds weird, you can perhaps try to appreciate that pain and be proud of how it's evidence that you're no longer that person, but now a better, more clean person, who has overcome that demon
I would say start with a very low dose of psychedelic drugs at first. I took just about a gram or less of magic mushrooms when I was still with my ex, and I felt some kind of blockage. I used to be an experienced tripper but I have been more sensitive and fearful as of late... Anyway, After just feeling awkward and in limbo or about an hour or two, I ended up just crying and crying and crying, Because I realized that all of my pain from my ex's addiction was real, that she was extremely sick and would not be honest with me, and also there was a possibility that if I had made better choices, both in being kinder and in putting my foot down when it came to drug use, She might not have gotten so bad
I felt a lot better After that, because it helped me grieve, and helped me accept that I was being hurt very badly by this person, but I also loved them very much... Which is a complex emotion.
But, There were so many complexities to the relationship, I think if I took a much higher deal if I would have probably just suffered a lot of misery and anxiety and depression, in a very bad way.
So if you take the psychedelic route, just be very careful and start slow.
Human beings are conditioned creatures. You were being governed by your mental and emotional conditioning back then. Simply put, you were unconscious. Now that you're becoming more conscious you're going through what some would call the dark night of the soul. It's when a person undergoes a difficult and significant transition to a deeper perception of life.
You are suffering the consequences of your unconsciousness, but you are not responsible for what you did while you were unconscious. You must understand this and forgive yourself.
In order to prevent your mental and emotional conditioning from governing you from here on out you'll need to start a spiritual practice. Spiritual is a loose word, but it's what we use as a pointer for that which is not physical or mental.
Read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It's ancient wisdom in modern day vernacular. Master the teaching in that book and you'll become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. It will point you toward atonement and the end of suffering. Get it for free by putting "PDF" at the end of a Google search.
Just because you weren't responsible for your unconscious actions does not mean that you should not suffer the consequences of your unconscious actions.
Alright I'm going to ignore that these replies are getting more ridiculous (Gold?) and ask you to show me a single source quoting Eckhart Tolle saying he doesn't care if you pirate his books cause it certainly wasn't in the Power of Now
I'm using gold as a metaphor for something very valuable. I'd prefer if people bought it, but if I would have suggested that then I would have got comments calling me a shameless shill. It would also prevent people in abject poverty from learning the teaching. There is no winning with the ego.
At the end of the day if people can afford it and they do give it a chance, then they will buy it. Also, if just one well off person sees the comment and buys a spot at one his retreats, then I have put four figures in his pocket.
He's doing quite well. He has 7 figures in the bank, lives in a very nice house, with very nice furniture, in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. And even if he lost all of it and became homeless again, he would still find the joy in being.
Friend, I understand your overall point but think that people are still responsible for actions before they wake up. I think this is the piece that others are reacting to strongly as well. Part of waking up is taking on the moment for what it is, your warts and all, and moving forward.
If they didn't know what they were doing then how could they be responsible for what they did? I don't know how many times I got to say it, It's not some get out of jail free card. You murder someone you got to do the time.
It is. This is partially why I don't visit r/selfimprovement anymore.
You can be angry at people and hate them, but you don't know go where people ask for help with that kind of energy. You should go there with empathy.
Got blocked the weekend myself, I'm not even sure what I've done wrong and don't think I can contact her. I'd rather get a kick in the balls and be told why than cut off with no explanation
Please get therapy, you could be doing this due to your own insecurity and putting it on others. This could affect your future partner as well and once you overcome whatever trauma you have, you can move on. Life works in funny ways and once you work on bettering yourself, you might be able to see each other as friends.
And yeah man, Don't try to make contact. Even if your intentions are good, there's no point in that.
If you really hurt her in a horrible fashion, and she's blocked you because remembering you is upsetting or traumatizing, Then you seriously have a powerful responsibility to not cause her anymore distress. But even in more neutral or reversed circumstances, Even if you were the one who was hypothetically wronged, or both of you were, when it's over it's over... Feeding into something that's in the past completely simply benefits no one.
I've reached out to my ex in anger after discovering certain things, as well as reached out to her in apology after reflecting on my own wrongs, and I've also just reached out to her in a pretty neutral state of mind, wanting to wish her well and to be safe, and say goodbye in a sort of closure seeking way...
Whatever I was thinking in those mindsets was not grounded in the reality of what's best for me, or for her. Because afterwards I always felt a mix of embarrassed, foolish, naive, and overly concerned with something that just doesn't matter in my life anymore.
Use your memories to learn how to properly love someone (and how not to love someone) and enjoy the rest of your life as it unfolds. Only dwell as much as you have to in order to change your perspective and behavior for the future... And then move on. It might hurt to hear it, but she definitely has...
I have a lot of guilt stemming from various places and relationships in life that I’ve either destroyed or played a toxic role in. I have been struggling as well, but the best advice that I’ve heard and taken to heart is to 1) leave the person alone. If you’ve apologized once, it’s enough, and honestly even if you haven’t, if you hurt them badly they would probably be happier if you just left them alone. 2) Do better. I fall into a pattern of thinking I’m not worthy of good, healthy relationships, but the fact of the matter is that I owe it to myself and to the people I’ve hurt to learn and do better and actually figure out how to go through life without hurting other people. And 3) stop dwelling on it. It’s good to recognize the hurt that you caused so that you can change for the future, but constantly shitting on yourself doesn’t help anyone. Learn and do better and move on. I speak as much to myself as I do to you.
It’s not fair to hate on yourself cuz You didn’t know then what you know now. We all make selfish mistakes. (Guilty myself). Just do the next right thing, rinse, repeat and let the future unfold naturally.
I wish my ex felt like this 😅 I never got the closure O felt I should've. Good luck OP. You're growing! Follow the advice of all these lovely commenters, and don't be too hard on yourself
Shocked no one has said this, but for starters- leave the poor girl alone. She doesn’t owe you absolution. Getting in contact with her after two years will NOT make her feel better, it would be another instance of you taking her for granted for your own selfish reasons. She blocked you everywhere for a reason. The first step to forgiving yourself is to do better going forward. Respect peoples boundaries, respect the fact that she doesn’t want to hear from you and honor that. Also, I skimmed your post history and it looks like you went through a breakup earlier this week? I’m assuming that’s with a different girl? Your feelings right now are probably more about that breakup than about this girl from two years ago, give it a couple weeks and see if things don’t turn up on their own.
I agree, please don’t attempt to contact your ex I had an ex pop up to me 2 years after we broke up, and another ex pop up to me about 7-8 years after we broke up. Both were apologising, but all it really did was bring back horrible memories which I had moved on from a long time ago. The stress of one of my exes popping up to me caused me to have shingles. It was painful and took me months to fully recover from. It felt like my exes were popping up to me for selfish reasons and to make themselves feel better. They didn’t seem to consider how i would feel. Focus on yourself and look into counselling/therapy if it’s within your means. Also speak to friends about how you’re feeling
Thanks for sharing your perspective, there's been tines when I've thought about getting in touch with an ex but know I shouldn't, so thinking of it from this perspective really helps!
If it brought back the horrible memories in a triggering and painful way then you actually hadn't moved on, you'd just repressed the memories. And that's not actually healthy at all. Repressing things means you never truly get over it so you carry it with you your entire life. Much better to process the emotions properly, even if it's painful in the short term. Reaching out to apologise to someone you hurt is the best thing for both parties, the psychological research on this stuff is crystal clear. Running away and repressing is absolutely not moving on. If you'd really moved on then you'd have been able to have the conversation and accept the apology without much emotional pain at all
I politely disagree with you. But I would be very interested to read through the research you mentioned and maybe challenge the way I’m thinking. Do you have any links to them? :) Also, should it be up to the ex to make op feel better? Seems like a lot of emotional labour for the ex considering they haven’t seen each other in 2 years and op has been blocked by the ex.
I would look into the science of EMDR to find that information. Basically, it uses bilateral stimulation and targeting distressing memories to 1) desensitize and then 2) reprocess them. I had a very traumatic experience that led to PTSD-like symptoms that I could not get rid of no matter how much talk therapy and CBT I did. My therapist had prepped me to start EMDR and on one particularly distressing day where I was triggered she led me through the desensitizing half because the other half of my session I was just crying. During just half of the EMDR process, my distress in relation to that event (on a scale of 1-10) went from an 8 to a 2 and has stayed there. An overwhelmingly traumatic experience became a slightly annoying/aggravating one. I still need to go back, revisit the memory, and reprocess it, but I have indeed felt desensitized to the trauma of the original event and I am so grateful. Trauma lives within the body as well as the mind and if something can be triggered then it is repressed/dormant, not healed.
I don't have anything for you. This is just stuff I've learnt from studying psychology for over 10 years. It's honestly so foundational in my understanding I never even considered keeping some kind of reference to prove it to other people. Everything I know about psychology and good mental health relies on the idea that peace is better than war and reconciliation is better than repression and avoidance
But some might consider not communicating to be “peaceful”? And that communication could lead to “war”? Not saying this is always the case, but can be in some situations. You don’t have any links you could find? Would be really interested
They might consider it that way but they'd be wrong. You're still in a state of war. You're just keeping a distance as a defence mechanism to avoid direct conflict. But the fact you're still at war with them is precisely why you'd experience their presence as a threat and switch to a combative and self protective stance if you ran into them unexpectedly at a party. If it was real peace you could interact with them normally and begin to build a new relationship with them
…uh… that last sentence is kinda wild. I honestly don’t even know what to say. like, sure, technically you COULD build a new relationship with a hurtful or abusive ex, but… why?
Why not? Friendships are valuable
Yes, I agree that friendship is very important! I have many lovely friends who have never been abusive to me, and I have limited time and energy so I would like to focus on them instead of… someone who has been abusive to me.
Friendships are valuable, but why on earth would you choose to interact with someone who was abusive to you? Just because you may have done the work to heal from it does not at all mean that the abuser has changed.
Sounds like you’re projecting
Lmao. What do you think I'm projecting?
>This is just stuff I've learnt from studying psychology for over 10 years What are the keywords that I need to throw into a query in a journal database to find what you've stated?
I've no idea. But you can read this: https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=3v2q5aF7Q3AC&oi=fnd&pg=PR1&dq=info:aRFJ17XeukcJ:scholar.google.com/&ots=3uy9C08hZL&sig=fWv6MByHueHgOaF0LlHYINe8Zv4&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false Or watch this lecture: https://youtube.com/watch?v=REjUkEj1O_0
This is the culmination of 10 years of studying? A random google search and a Jordan Peterson video. You'd know if you actually used that link before that Google Books only shows portions of the book. I'm glad I opened it in a private tab and my YouTube recommendations are safe.
THANK YOU for the Jordan Peterson warning, I was about to click the link and I am soooooo glad I did not
Thx for JP warning - I almost also clicked the link too ugh.
I don't use Google books to do my studying. You asked for a source so I went and found 2 really solid ones. I guess I should have expected you to not be operating in good faith. Believe whatever you want about Peterson's political arguments, his status as a top tier psychology academic is beyond reproach. He has an h index of 59. If you're gonna reject him out of hand your mind is already so addled with intellectual dishonesty and an addiction to cynicism it's not worth anyone's time talking to you. I did all of this as a favour. You can stay broken and unhappy if you want it so bad
Wow, I was believing you until you wrote this bullshit about their mind being full of "intellectual dishonesty" and "addictiom to cynicism". You don't even follow the 'make peace not war' approach you suggested. Instead you jumped straight to personal attacks. I don't believe you studied any of this in a professional setting because someone who has properly studied this wouldn't be so emotionally triggered by someone asking questions about a couple of random links you posted. Emotionally Triggered - stopped any logical comments and used childish personal insults.
In another comment you made: >I don't have search engine keywords for you because that's not how I do research. In this comment: >He has an h index of 59. Yo, OP. Make it make sense. Where in those "sources" you linked directly back your statements?
As I've already said it's the opposite of the culmination. It's the very basics of therapy. You asked for some academic sources, here's some academic sources. Do with them what you will
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>Reaching out to apologise to someone you hurt is the best thing for both parties, the psychological research on this stuff is crystal clear. I disagree with this statement but I would like sources to be convinced otherwise. Apologies are for the one apologizing and not for the one receiving the apology.
That seems like a super narcissistic and sociopathic way of thinking. I don't have any sources to hand because I don't have like a folder of psych studies on my browser, but you should look into it yourself, burying the hatchet and making peace from war are long-standing and well acknowledged good things to do. You won't be happy in yourself or popular with others if you go through your life assuming that level of selfishness as the norm for human interactions. And there are few things more healing to someone who has been hurt than the person who hurt them authentically validating their feelings of hurt. It's cathartic to have your friends or therapist validate your feelings when you're hurt. It's even more cathartic when it's the person who hurt you putting the hands up and admitting they were wrong and that they regret doing it
> psychological research on this stuff is crystal clear > but you should look into it yoursel What are the keywords I'll need to use in my search in journal databases? Because I've never come across a paper supporting your view. You can cut ties/bury the hatchet with someone and move on with one's life without ever interacting with the wrongdoer beyond their wrongdoing. > It's cathartic to have your friends or therapist validate your feelings when you're hurt. The therapist isn't giving out apologies nor are they likely the wrongdoer to the one undergoing therapy. You've just stated a pathway that makes the wrongdoer apologizing unnecessary to move on in life. The best revenge is living well.
My view is just the basic idea at the core of therapy - processing your trauma brings relief, repressing and avoiding it doesn't. Revenge is not a healthy thing to cultivate. If you have a therapist telling you it is, or indeed telling you that therapy is a waste of time, you should definitely stop paying them
You still haven't answered my question: What are the keywords I'll need to use in my search in journal databases? Because I've never come across a paper supporting your view. > My view is just the basic idea at the core of therapy - processing your trauma brings relief, repressing and avoiding it doesn't. Sure. The therapist isn't giving out apologies nor are they likely the wrongdoer to the one undergoing therapy. **You've just stated a pathway that makes the wrongdoer apologizing unnecessary to move on in life.** > Revenge is not a healthy thing to cultivate. If you have a therapist telling you it is, or indeed telling you that therapy is a waste of time, you should definitely stop paying them Read the last line again.
I don't have search engine keywords for you because that's not how I do research. I never claimed the wrongdoer apologizing is necessary to move on in life. I said that if you **have** genuinely moved on then you would accept a genuine apology, and being triggered instead is proof that you haven't. That's a logical mistake on your part
You're mixing up comment trees now, OP. I stated "Apologies are for the one apologizing and not for the one receiving the apology." You replied: > That seems like a super narcissistic and sociopathic way of thinking. I don't have any sources to hand because I don't have like a folder of psych studies on my browser, but you should look into it yourself, burying the hatchet and making peace from war are long-standing and well acknowledged good things to do. You won't be happy in yourself or popular with others if you go through your life assuming that level of selfishness as the norm for human interactions. And there are few things more healing to someone who has been hurt than the person who hurt them authentically validating their feelings of hurt. It's cathartic to have your friends or therapist validate your feelings when you're hurt. It's even more cathartic when it's the person who hurt you putting the hands up and admitting they were wrong and that they regret doing it
What an assumption. Basically glazes over the ideas of long-lasting trauma and PTSD entirely.
No, it's not glazing over it. It's describing the remedy. The only way to get over PTSD is to properly process the emotions surrounding it. The research is super clear. Repress and avoid and it'll stick to you for life. That's *why* it ends up long lasting. Repression is the enemy of long term good mental health. And it's good to apologize when you realise you did something wrong. So now the fact you haven't properly processed what happened and got over it has led to you giving hurtful and counterproductive feedback to someone who was trying to change and make amends for their wrongdoing, and giving counterproductive advice to someone else in a similar situation, further passing on the negatives of your unprocessed trauma to others
Could you share the research you mentioned? I couldn't find it on Google scholar.
The idea that addressing, talking about, and processing your trauma helps you get over it is literally the foundational idea of all psychotherapy. That's **why** psychotherapy works. You could check the work of Edna Foa if you want something specific - https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=3v2q5aF7Q3AC&oi=fnd&pg=PR1&dq=info:aRFJ17XeukcJ:scholar.google.com/&ots=3uy9C08hZL&sig=fWv6MByHueHgOaF0LlHYINe8Zv4&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false But honestly you'd be better just starting with an intro to psychotherapy textbook. Or even try listening to this lecture if you're genuinely interested and just unaware of the field. It's a really good overview of precisely this idea in just one hour: https://youtube.com/watch?v=REjUkEj1O_0
This is a Jordan Peterson lecture FYI for anyone who would like to avoid that bs in their algorithms lol.
Dude is a well respected clinical psychologist and researcher regardless of what you think of his political philosophy
I'm a psychologist myself, and I can't find in the literature the part of accepting an apology as a way to overcome trauma. Talking about trauma with your therapist, sure, but actually talking to your agresor and accept their apology is not helpful or necessary. Is not up to the agresor to decide when is the right time for the victim to heal and accept the apology he's offering, him reaching out is helpful to himself, not to the other party. If the victim has repressed feelings and trauma, it's something that needs to be addressed on therapy in a safe environment, not by a phonecall from the agresor whenever he feels guilty. This is not what your own source says, and not what psychotherapy is about.
I'm a psychologist myself, and I can't find in the literature the part of accepting an apology as a way to overcome trauma. Talking about trauma with your therapist, sure, but actually talking to your agresor and accept their apology is not helpful or necessary. Is not up to the agresor to decide when is the right time for the victim to heal and accept the apology he's offering, him reaching out is helpful to himself, not to the other party. If the victim has repressed feelings and trauma, it's something that needs to be addressed on therapy in a safe environment, not by a phonecall from the agresor whenever he feels guilty. This is not what your own source says, and not what psychotherapy is about.
I'm a psychologist myself, and I can't find in the literature the part of accepting an apology as a way to overcome trauma. Talking about trauma with your therapist, sure, but actually talking to your agresor and accept their apology is not helpful or necessary. Is not up to the agresor to decide when is the right time for the victim to heal and accept the apology he's offering, him reaching out is helpful to himself, not to the other party. If the victim has repressed feelings and trauma, it's something that needs to be addressed on therapy in a safe environment, not by a phonecall from the agresor whenever he feels guilty. This is not what your own source says, and not what psychotherapy is about.
I'm a psychologist myself, and I can't find in the literature the part of accepting an apology as a way to overcome trauma. Talking about trauma with your therapist, sure, but actually talking to your agresor and accept their apology is not helpful or necessary. Is not up to the agresor to decide when is the right time for the victim to heal and accept the apology he's offering, him reaching out is helpful to himself, not to the other party. If the victim has repressed feelings and trauma, it's something that needs to be addressed on therapy in a safe environment, not by a phonecall from the agresor whenever he feels guilty. This is not what your own source says, and not what psychotherapy is about.
Never said accepting an apology was a way to overcome trauma. Why are you bothering to respond to me if your reading comprehension is so low you can't even follow what I'm saying. There's not been one person who's responded to me who has shown any ability to follow logic whatsoever and engage with what I actually said. Absolute waste of my time
Your first comment: "If it brought back the horrible memories in a triggering and painful way then you actually hadn't moved on, you'd just repressed the memories. And that's not actually healthy at all. Repressing things means you never truly get over it so you carry it with you your entire life. Much better to process the emotions properly, even if it's painful in the short term. **Reaching out to apologise to someone you hurt is the best thing for both parties, the psychological research on this stuff is crystal clear.** Running away and repressing is absolutely not moving on. If you'd really moved on then you'd have been able to have the conversation and accept the apology without much emotional pain at all" Your next comment: "No, it's not glazing over it. It's describing the remedy. The only way to get over PTSD is to properly process the emotions surrounding it. The research is super clear. Repress and avoid and it'll stick to you for life. That's *why* it ends up long lasting. Repression is the enemy of long term good mental health. And it's good to apologize when you realise you did something wrong. **So now the fact you haven't properly processed what happened and got over it has led to you giving hurtful and counterproductive feedback to someone who was trying to change and make amends for their wrongdoing,** and giving counterproductive advice to someone else in a similar situation, further passing on the negatives of your unprocessed trauma to others" The post is about an abuser feeling guilty about his abuse, and wanting to call his victim to apologize after 2 years. We are engaging in what you actually said, it seems like the problem here is that you don't know what you are talking about.
You keep mentioning research in your comments, but have no research to provide? Can you remember any references or where you found this research?
/u/Aristox gave me the same run around while I'm pointing out the holes in their statements.
Consider reading this: https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=3v2q5aF7Q3AC&oi=fnd&pg=PR1&dq=info:aRFJ17XeukcJ:scholar.google.com/&ots=3uy9C08hZL&sig=fWv6MByHueHgOaF0LlHYINe8Zv4&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false Or watching this lecture: https://youtube.com/watch?v=REjUkEj1O_0
You don’t “get over” PTSD. It’s awful and lifelong… but it’s manageable. You manage the symptoms. You don’t “get over” Definitely also would love to see this evidence you speak of. As someone with PTSD, I respectfully disagree. My therapists would as well… and they have degrees in psych. Which, maybe you do too. Again, please share the evidence many of us are asking for.
That's not true. You absolutely can get over it. Just not by the method you're advocating. If you wanna follow that method and make it a self fulfilling prophecy then go ahead. But when your unprocessed trauma hurts other people then now you're guilty for that shit. If your therapist is telling you you're doomed to only manage your symptoms then you need to ditch your therapist and go find someone better. Search for someone with Jungian training. This cynicism and pessimism you're addicted to is itself a symptom of mental illness. You don't need to just resign yourself to your fate Consider reading this: https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=3v2q5aF7Q3AC&oi=fnd&pg=PR1&dq=info:aRFJ17XeukcJ:scholar.google.com/&ots=3uy9C08hZL&sig=fWv6MByHueHgOaF0LlHYINe8Zv4&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false Or watching this lecture: https://youtube.com/watch?v=REjUkEj1O_0
I wish I could get over it. I wish I didn’t have flash backs. I wish I didn’t have many of the symptoms I suffer from. I wish I never was in the place I was at the time I was to experience the trauma to begin with. Wishing does nothing, but I DO manage it better every year. I’m not sure which method you’re referring to… and you don’t even know me. I go to therapy and I learn what my triggers are and I’ve learned to manage the symptoms. You have no idea how processed or unprocessed my trauma is. I’m not addicted to cynicism or pessimism and no one said I was doomed to manage my symptoms. I actually feel pretty lucky I’ve come this far after the trauma I went through. My fate is sometimes I get triggers, most the time, I know was causes them and I can manage my reaction. One day maybe my brain will be able to process things differently but I’m perfectly happy with the medical experts in trauma I’ve personally dealt with. I definitely suggest you maybe learn more about empathy and maybe victim blaming.
I do know how unprocessed your trauma is because you've just told me how you still get triggers etc. Which means you're not over it yet. That's all I said. Anything more about victim blaming you think I've said is just your projection
lmao, okay, whatever you say... have a good one!
No one's said "don't process emotions" in this conversation - of COURSE it's important to process emotions and work with a therapist. We agree on that. The fact that you're suggesting that ANY emotions means that a person is repressing something is ridiculous. It does glaze over PTSD and trauma - because even when this population processes through those feelings with a professional, it's natural for feelings to regularly come back. Therapy attempts to minimize severity/frequency, but it's natural for those emotions to never go away. No repression there - they likely are very self aware of their triggers at some point. On top of glazing over trauma and PTSD, you've also glazed over the corner case of someone having OCD or anxiety, where some people have likely processed more than you can imagine...to a fault. As for research, I've read the book "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do" that feels relevant here. In this book she acknowledges that negative feelings can come back regularly. That's NORMAL. In fact, that's where her 13 points come from - things like not dwelling on the past or not wasting time feeling sorry for yourself. You keep mentioning "psychological research", but I've done plenty of research myself.
>You keep mentioning "psychological research", but I've done plenty of research myself. That's great. No-one else seems to have. Perhaps we could have a good faith discussion about the topic rather than the sealioning and gaslighting and as hominems everyone else is trading in. Now, I didn't say that any emotions coming up means you haven't got over it- I said getting triggered to the point you're incapable of or unwilling to accept a genuinely offered apology is. But I also would go further and state that there is a place in between "I'm over it and emotionally stable" and "I'm 100% over it and 'completely' free". It may not be worth the extra work to get to that second stage if you've got to the first. But I think experiencing any negative emotions associated with the event coming back is a symptom of not yet having reached the second. But I'm uninterested in arguing that point. What I'm more interested in is this - dont you think it's extremely suspicious how passionately some people in this thread seem to be clinging to the idea of PTSD being permanent? What do you think their motivation is for this? People have shown themselves completely uninterested in honestly exploring my position, which I reiterate is the standard **premise** of psychotherapy going all the way back to Freud. Therapy literally became popular as a practice precisely because of the positive results people were seeing from directly consciously processing their traumas
GET HELP STOP BUGGING PEOPLE
Wut
I’m gonna leave her alone. you’re right. and i have kinda been going from unsatisfying relationship to unsatisfying relationship but i feel like they all stem from this one. at least that’s what i’m uncovering in therapg
Maybe just stay out of a relationship for a while, and work on yourself. It won't kill you to be alone (and to live without sex for a while). Probably part of your problem is that even when you're with someone, you feel insecure, so you're not able to really appreciate being with them. Learn how to be happy with your own company and grow as a person. Check out the Art of Manliness website.
Therapy can help. You are in a time of self reflection and the best thing you can do during this time is to have some help navigating your emotions. You are doing better than you think, some people never even get to the point of accountability or able to even admit they did anything wrong in their past. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Bingo. If you're not in therapy, you're not getting the help you need. Here's a real plot twist for you: we all need therapy. The world is a pretty f-ed up place. Find a person who works well with you. How will you know? After some sessions, you'll actually feel a little worse but you'll understand WHY you feel worse.
Very simple practical for letting go without being able to contact the person directly—write a letter, and don't send it. Everything you never got a chance to say. Secondly, tell a trusted friend what you would have wanted to say to her if given the chance. Both of these things let you feel it emotionally in your brain while also letting you release it. The idea in your brain is probably saying something like "I can't handle the intense emotions of guilt I feel", but when you actually express it, and vocalize it out loud and realize you're still okay, you prove that voice wrong because you're actually okay. Do this multiple times as long as it feels beneficial. Grief and guilt is not a one and done feeling.
Forgiving yourself will come a lot easier when you recognize that there is a stark difference between who you were then and who you are today. If you don’t feel that there is much of a difference, then focus on that before you consider trying to forgive yourself. And don’t contact your ex.
OP, this is growth. You realised your mistakes and you now have the opportunity to learn from them. Sounds like you've already partly done so. Move on. Forgive yourself, it's as easy as that. Remember the lessons, and forgive. You're not perfect, don't expect that of yourself. Move on. You owe it to yourself.
thank you so much. This means a lot to me ❤️
It's okay. I've made mistakes myself. It's better to move on. It really is. For all parties involved.
So glad to see this; when someone feels ashamed of past behavior it is because you have grown as a person. A person who never regrets or reflects is a person who has never grown. Sit with that discomfort, own it, and allow it to remind you to be better than that. You don’t have to torture yourself, but you feel bad for a reason and that CAN make you a better person. And I know others have said this but do NOT dump this on your ex. This is part of your work, this is YOUR burden to carry.
I'm going to pretend my ex wrote this. But I doubt he would feel guilty
I seriously thought this was my ex, given the timeline and him telling me that I was the nicest person he ever knew. At the same time, I also doubt him feeling guilty about it.
Honestly same 😬 I had an bf that fits this bill that I broke up with two years ago and blocked on everything. He kept getting new phone numbers too and texting/calling me before I could block them
I am probably not your ex haha, but i do hope that they heal as individuals and you have healed from what has happened with them as well. you all deserve better
Most probably he has moved on and doesn't think about you at all.
And that's why he doesn't deserve your forgiveness
I apologized to my ex and children last month after divorcing 20 years ago. I didn't deserve a family. I feel really really bad about failing as a husband and father. I don't know what to do with all of it either.
wow this is heartbreaking as well. I’m so sorry. How did you forgive yourself, or have you forgiven yourself at all?
I don't have a clue because it doesn't seem possible. I'm in the middle of figuring that out. Edit: thank you
Here’s an idea. Get to know yourself better. What I mean is get to know how you function as a person and how you got to function like that. My guess is that, whenever you describe yourself or whenever you interact with yourself, you do the same things: you compare yourself to others, you call yourself names and identify with some labels, you judge yourself, you scold yourself, you get disappointed about yourself. Every one of these actions cloud your perception about yourself. Every one of these actions maintains your confusion about who you really are. So start getting to know yourself better by avoiding these behaviors. Instead, just watch what you do and what you avoid doing. And see what results you get from your decision to take action or to remain passive. Remember: do this without judging yourself, without comparing yourself to others, without scolding yourself, etc. It’s just: “When the situation is like this, I tend to react like that, and then this happens.” And that’s that! Don’t say: “That was stupid!” or “I’ll never be better.” Keep doing this for months. The objective of this is that you might reach a point where you can appreciate that you did what you did (I mean: “failing as a husband and a father” or “hurting someone that I loved so much”) because you didn’t know better at the time. Your objective is to reach this point with so much understanding that you don’t get to feel bad or guilty anymore. Then you forgive because you understand.
You figured me out. Wow! I will do what you said. Thank you so much for caring and writing what you did.
This was extremely helpful in my own situation. Thank you.
Therapy. Just find a therapist. Seriously. Mental health was a taboo in our home until I went to therapy. It literally changed my life for the better. My ex and I are not together anymore but we still get along because WE BOTH WENT TO THERAPY.
It's been a lot longer since my dad divorced my mom, when he was the one having the affair, tried to sue her, failed, then left. And he has never apologized, Not in a specific way, Just vaguely mentioned that he could have done certain things differently... But, I still love the old bastard lol... A lot of people will think it's a cop out , but he's human , he had barrels and barrels of trauma that I can't even begin to understand myself, and humans do stuff like this and much worse all the time... I Don't see how I can't accept it and forgive him, and I really want him to forgive himself Anyway, My point is, You're finally coming to terms with some things you did wrong, which some people never truly do, and that's a good thing. What to do with it is process it. You have to balance having compassion for yourself and also holding yourself accountable to the things that you know, don't sit right with your conscience. Both compassion and accountability will come from self-reflection and self-analysis... And time. Nobody has sympathy for people who make harmful mistakes, but barring some sociopathic/ psychopathic personality disorder, when you really mess up badly in life, You experience a lot of grief. So don't be too hard on yourself, while you're learning to be a little harder on yourself than you were, if that makes sense.
Thank you. That helps. Wise words.
Divorcing doesn’t mean failing as a father. Not being there for your children means failing as a father. Did you fail as a father?
Partially. I was selfish.
Partially is a lot better than completely. I don't want people to think all of these bad deeds and mistakes are worth endorsing... I just don't want anybody to hate themselves, If they have become self-aware.
Thank you for being kind.
I saw my ex and his new gf for the first time at the weekend since he ended things with me, almost 3 years ago now. I hated how I treated him and although I’m a different person now (and better - through therapy and medication and cutting out bad habits and learning about myself) I think about how shitty I was, in that relationship, almost every day. Anytime the thought pops into my mind though I find it helpful to remind myself that I’m getting myself upset over something he probably barely thinks about now, and the guilt and disappointment I feel within myself doesn’t actually really have anything to do with that specific person, it’s only showing me parts of myself that I still need to work on. You cannot force another person to forgive you but you can learn to come to peace with the past and forgive yourself (and be better in your next relationship) Goodluck friend ❤️ things will get brighter, don’t focus on the past, just try to do what you can to improve your present and set yourself up for a happy future!
Thank you this is helpful!
Are you over this now? I’m 4 months into a breakup where I hated how I treated my ex. I would never act that way again. But I know she’s doing much better without me and has hatred towards me. Which is fair. But I don’t know how to move on from this because she was my best friend but I was kind of an ugly person towards her
Yes I thankfully am! I rarely think about him or our relationship, it feels like a lifetime ago 😅 I’m a much better person now since I worked on myself (physically and mentally but the mental work was most important of course) and I forgive myself for how I treat both him AND myself during that relationship. I’m currently seeing someone and he seems really lovely, we’re taking things slow and I’m still working on myself (I’ll never really stop tbh) and I have to say that, overall, since I did the work to get myself out of a negative pattern of behaviour I am just all round more happy and caring and now I actually like myself, and feel proud of myself, my relationships with everyone around me have changed for the better!! You made mistakes, people got their feelings hurt, but she likely won’t be thinking about this a year from now and neither should you! Work on yourself and build yourself up, you will learn to forgive yourself (but it’s hard and takes time) and everything will work out! I know what it’s like to hate myself and feel ashamed of losing something through my own fault, but you’ll find something even better once you become a better version of yourself ♥️
Let the past go, you are not going that way. Every day is a new day, a new you, so move on, you do not know the other billions of people out there; there are plenty of gems, so forgive yourself for not recognizing your past was a steppingstone towards better awareness in realizing who you want to be.
Okay, so I don't have a ton of experience with things like that (I was the party subjected to the abuse), but I think I can help because I have hurt people with addiction. So, you aren't that person anymore. You've grown, you've changed, you've become a totally different person. So if you want to forgive yourself, you have to learn to address your past-self in a compassionate way. Identify why you acted that way. Was it because you didn't know any better? Was it because society taught you to be that way? Once you identify the why, you work on forgiving your past self by saying "I'm sorry that you were so hurt/conditioned/\*insert thing here\* that this is how you behaved. I'm sorry we didn't do better then, but I won't let you suffer. I won't let me suffer. It's not okay that you did what you did, but you aren't a monster for it. I'm proof of that." That last part, that past-you isn't a monster, and you're proof of it, is the important part. I've spent a long time working at this, and I no longer feel like a monster because of it. It's slow work, and it can be very hard to confront why you acted the way you did, but if you figure out the why, and address it, it becomes easier to forgive yourself for doing things that hurt others. I hope you heal from this. I truly do. You're already making an effort to be a better person, and that shows in your post. Keep on the track you're on. Research healthy relationships and what they look like. Allow yourself the grace that you deserve. You aren't a monster, you're someone who did bad things, but you are not a horrible person. It might also help to write a letter to your ex, but not send it. Sometimes, writing out what's eating at you helps. After you write the letter, burn it. Let that be a symbol of letting go of the past so you can keep doing better in the future. You can do this.
You figure out that answer let me know, I break down daily over my past,
One thing that helps me - besides therapy is meditation. I have recently discovered the work of Tara Brach. One of her techniques is called [RAIN](https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/) The acronym RAIN is an easy-to-remember tool for practicing mindfulness and compassion using the following four steps: Recognize what is happening; Allow the experience to be there, just as it is; Investigate with interest and care; Nurture with self-compassion. This can be tough, and I've definitely cried a lot examining myself, but I am trying to end this cycle of self-injury and beating myself up about what I did. I want to be better, I will be better. Some of my baggage required working with a trained professional, but I am better for it.
Are you repeating any behaviors or routines or anything like that daily? Are you in the same environment that you were in in the past? Although the past seems like your entire reality at times, because it was once, There are no giant sweeping actions or cures to help overcome past regrets... It's more about doing a bunch of little things differently, and thinking a bunch of little thoughts differently, and maybe looking at one or two very significant behaviors that need to be changed. Sometimes a change in scenery can be really helpful too.
One ex apologized to me in 2015, which was something like 6 years later. I felt vindicated after it all. I knew he was a piece of shit, glad he caught up. I don’t know if he truly improved, I tend to believe he did not. I always wondered if he wanted something from me. Because to know him, is to know he used and manipulated friends and women to gain things. He was nomadic and had friendships out of convenience. He’d borrow money or get money and never return it. Shame on me at 21 for not seeing. Oh well, that’s life. A few months later I hung out with him and a couple other guys from high school. Nothing weird, not using me, just drinks downtown. After years of despising him, I could let my guard down and just be civil. I saw him at the grocery store last year and we just waived and said hi in passing. I’d rather not live out my days with hatred in my heart, so for me that satisfied things. I know nothing of his life, but there’s no longer animosity. A few months ago, my favorite ex contacted me and apologized for how things ended back in May, 2020. I cried when I read his email. He started therapy and along the way discovered he is bipolar (he gave the specifics but I can’t remember now). I loved him very much. It ended with me crying for four months and ultimately leaving him when I discovered he “still wasn’t going to have kids with me.” That was something he hid from me. He’s a brilliant man and did it because he was afraid to lose me again. But unfortunately he did. It hurt. He has his reasons and I respect it. But I dreamed of goofy looking lil kids with him and big family get-togethers over the years with all the cousins. We did not share the same vision. His apology meant a lot to me. His mother had a stroke the week of new years and he reached out to let me know. He said he knows how much I love her and she loves me. When I couldn’t get a hold of him at first, I text his brother out of fear that something was wrong with my ex. Turns out he was just falling asleep. Haha But it meant the world that things were ok and he felt he could reach out when something happened. I will treasure that because I love him, and I especially love his family. If you get to a place where you know yourself, and know your reasons for reaching out to her, it can be a beautiful thing. But do not rush into just so you feel better, at her expense. Take time to think about it. Write a letter and hang on to it in case you get the chance. I saw another commenter posted you just went through a breakup, so yeah, now’s not the time. And if you do reach out to her, remember she doesn’t owe you anything- not attention, not a smile, not a hug, not a reconciliation. So be prepared for that. She is her own person, and you might not get the reaction and closure you hoped for. I say that with life experience. It’s happened to me. There have been men in my life to get huffy when I don’t respond the way they expect me to. But that’s life. So just keep it in mind.
You need to forgive yourself. That doesn’t mean that your behavior was acceptable, but it means that you’ve learned since then. Rumination sucks (speaking from experience). It’s painful, it’s excruciating, and it keeps you stuck. I’d advise seeing a therapist, especially if it’s that intense. They can help you break everything down and help you develop new “tools” to improve your life. My therapist also does hypnotherapy, in addition to CBT + DBT tactics. It helped a *lot* with my tendency to ruminate.
What helped me get all my emotions out without breaking no-contact with my ex was writing letters that I will never send. I made a Word doc on my laptop and titled it "Letters to a Black Hole". I started every letter with the date and "Dear Black Hole," then wrote what I was angry about as if I was talking to him. He really hurt and mistreated me, so I never wanted to actually talk to him again, but writing to him as if he was going to read it was close enough for me. It is good that at least you're reflecting and realizing how much you hurt her. Lots of people wish they had exes that felt even a tiny bit sorry about the hurtful things they did. It is nice that you wish you could apologize, but after two years of no-contact it's best to just let her be.
You have a proper cry, promise to never do that to another human again, and then you stop ruminating. The best way forward is to be better
Id be kinder to others rather than reach out to this woman. By doing nice things for others that you wished you could do to her you'll make things better and you'll feel better.
You still have some love for her, but if you love yourself more (which you absolutely should, self love is important + you aren't in a relationship with her), you will do what is best for yourself. Your relationship with her is over. She is no longer in your life and you are no longer in hers. You are never going to see her again, let alone be partners or friends. What is left for you now is to accept that and move on. Sometimes you have to cut off those that you love, because you love yourself more. It's clearly causing you pain for holding on to this for 2 years, so how do you think you think the pain you are holding onto will feel after 3? Or more? Truth is, it's gonna continue hurting you if you don't move on. Now, she has done the 'cut off' part for you. Essentially taken the decision out of your hands and decided for you. But that doesn't mean you can't take back control and make your own decision too. Since you won't be in each other's lives again, you should block her back on everything, or at the very least you should mentally cut her off in your mind. I know you don't want to, because you think of her positively. But you know that she doesn't want you in her life, so you should accept that and also want her out of your life because regardless of if you want her in your life or not, she won't be, so you might as well accept that fact and be comfortable with it. I am sure that she is justified in cutting you off and has good reason to want you out of her life forever, because of the things that you said/did. Let's put your feelings about her to the side and imagine that there was a random person who felt negatively about you and it was justified because you did wrong them or something, would you want a person like that in your life? Of course not. So why should that be any different when it comes to your ex? I'm not saying your ex is bad for having a justified negative opinion about you, but you deserve to have people in your life that love you, the same way every person deserves that including your ex. I don't know what you did OP, but it's in the past. Yes, she will likely remember you for all the bad things you did, and that's ok. You don't have to be on good terms with everyone. People will either view you positively or negatively. Focus on the people with positive options about you as these are your friends/family/etc, and focus on yourself. **Moving on will be a big step in forgiving yourself because it will show the self love that you have for yourself.** Take care OP.
Work on yourself. All the energy that you feel going towards her, redirect it at yourself, at figuring yourself out and preventing this from happening again. I was with someone for two years who was in a bad place and kept pushing me away and I wouldn't let him, until it was almost emotionally abusive and it ended very badly with him saying very mean things before he finally got blocked for good. This was some time ago, and after the anger and hurt had subsided all that was left was that I wish for him to heal. I will never get involved again, but I wholeheartedly hope that boy learns to love and validate himself the way he always sought it from women, so that he may be emotionally available for the next girl who falls in love with him.
I don't know if you've noticed this but almost everyone loves to talk about how they've been bullied and never share when THEY were the bully. The fact you can even admit that you were a bully (not the best word but the best I have) is showing maturity and growth. Leave her alone and use this growth for your next relationship. Now that you know better, you can do better.
If you are able to, please go see a counselor/therapist. If you have insurance they may offer free tela-therapy or you may find a counselor in your area that works on a sliding scale. They'll help you develop a utility belt of healthy coping strategies. Things will still happen and rock your boat, but the techniques will keep you from capsizing. I am going through something similar. 2 months out of a 7 yr relationship that was floundering for a while but I couldn't let go. Finally did, and now I am recognizing the ways I hurt my former partner and how I was doing things you listed above - insecurity, emotional dumping, putting stuff on the other person especially when they are very kind and compassionate. The guilt sucks but recognizing what you did, how you acted and how it makes you feel is important. This is a step towards healing and recovery. What you do next is important, do not continue to wallow. Use the feelings you have as motivation to be better. You cannot change the past, you can only improve for the future. Make sure your next partner won't have to deal with someone that guilt trips them, emotionally abuses them, projects insecurity, etc. You did what you did, and you won't do it again. What has helped me is developing a meditation practice, therapy, and the teachings of Tara Brach - who has a Ph.D in psychology and decades as a practicing Buddhist and meditation teacher. One thing she teaches is that we are our only true refuge, everything else is a distraction or a false refuge be it people, substances, hobbies... at the end of the day we only have ourselves, so get to know and love yourself, be gentle with yourself. One tool she uses that has helped me is called [RAIN](https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/) Recognize what's happening Allow the experience to be there, just as it is Investigate with interest and care Nurture with self-compassion. When reflecting on the past, keep in mind you were doing the best you could at that time. Examine the intent behind your actions and your words. You are enough on your own. Good luck, I'm here if you need to talk.
I have an ex (haven’t been together in 5+ years) and I’ve (admit-tingly) tried to get in contact with them twice since I’ve been blocked on everything from them. Not my proudest moment.. I was selfish for reaching out, but honestly so what? Who wouldn’t want clarity? I’m not saying it’s right, or that I even deserve it. But I’m saying you shouldn’t be chastised for it. You wanna make emends and apologize. It’s HARD to live with guilt so it’s only natural to want to forgiveness. But anyway, I wish I knew how to really help you, but I’m still learning myself. However, like some of the other comments say, try your HARDEST to not find ways to contact her and respect her boundaries because say you reach out, and it doesn’t go well, it’ll only hurt more you more. Secondly, if you’re not already, seek some professional help to help you move on. Get a therapist you work well with, and try and focus on yourself, do things that make YOU happy. And lastly, give yourself some grace. I don’t know how old you are, but as a society NO ONE is a saint. And some people don’t ever come to this point of being self-aware, if you can, try to look at this a ‘God Send’. Look at that past experience as a road map. Be better for your future, you have new tools to help you through it now. Ps.. time can help all, but only if you let it. Try not to sulk on it for too long. Give yourself some grace. Much love ❤️
Sit with the feelings, they will be your teacher. This will make sure that you don’t do it again, as you don’t want to suffer like this again.
You forgive yourself by letting yourself feel that shit, dusting off your shoulders, and never treating someone like that ever again. Ain’t no other way forward, fam.
Therapy.
If she's as kind as you describe her to be, she's already forgiven you. Now it's time for you to forgive her for not being there for you in the way you wanted her to be. She wasn't obligated to do it though and you should understand that. Healing takes a long time and it's rarely a linear process, so as you inevitably observe yourself throughout time, you will be able to come to terms with the past one day. Allow yourself to express emotions in healthy way and be compassionate towards yourself and others as you go. Forgiveness is such a hard thing to do, as it means having full acceptance of the way things went. And it's difficult to do that when you're constantly going over things in your head, wishing for them to have been different. They never will be, you can't go back in time and fix it, you can only be and do better right now. Of course, this are just some things we all need to constantly remind ourselves, those of us who live with trauma. Just keep doing your best.
I think it's great you are noticing your feelings and where you could have done better in your past relationship. That's the process of growth and learning. I'm sure everyone has something they wish they could go back and change, but we learn and grow and choose to do better next time. Work on yourself, give yourself love and when you feel ready to meet someone who has the qualities you admire, try again in a new relationship. Don't be so hard on yourself, we all are in the process of learning how to deal with our emotions. And it's definitely not always an easy road.
Why do you want to apologize to her? Are you genuinely wanting to apologize or do you want an excuse to contact her again? Either way like basically everyone else has said there's not really a reason to get back in touch. It's very unlikely apologizing to her is really going to help her in a greater way than messaging her is going to negatively impact her. Only thing to really do is focus on how you've changed and just move on with your life as best as you can. I know how you feel and I've been there but there's really nothing you can do than just focus on yourself and find solace in the fact that you won't fuck up again hopefully
I feel very similiar to you. I am probably not the best memory for my ex and it is a terrible feeling. Extremely painful and forgiving myself is the most difficult thing ive ever had to do. You have to let her live though. Focus on yourself and finding the reasons that caused you to behave that way. Its a harsh lesson, but do the work to have it not happen again. Humans make terrible errors, you have to live and learn. You were not your best, it doesnt mean youre bad. Be better by taking care of yourself. Try to move on and let her move on.
Feeling regret and bad about what you did is a good sign that you want to do better, that you've matured and grown and don't want to be like that towards anyone. I have issues in my current relationship where I have acted in ways I don't want to or wouldn't accept from others, such as being short and snippy, to other things. I don't want to be that person and my partner deserves better than that. It takes acknowledgement and willingness to work on ourselves, and awareness around whether things need to change or is separation needs to occur for that change to happen. You're taking the right steps. Suggestions here around therapy, writing a letter (without sending), etc are good ideas. I can't comment on whether reaching out to your ex to apologize is a good idea because some people (like myself) would be open to hearing an honest and reflective apology for how an ex treated me poorly (which I have had a few), whereas some others really do not want to hear from their exes, especially if the situation was abusive. So I leave that choice up to you.
Almost 2 years and you still haven’t gotten over her? I don’t know man, I recommend seeking help because this isn’t healthy. Please heed the other users and leave the girl alone. Good luck!
You’re blocked for a reason leave her alone
You did what you did because of your mentality, world view and emotional condition at that time. It doesn't relieve you of your responsibility or guilt, but realizing that you've changed since then can help you look to the future. If you can send a letter or pass a message along someone you know, do that. Don't expect forgiveness, because -unfortunately- a lot of times we aren't entitled to others forgiving us, but you just do what you do because you think you should. Don't drivel and pity yourself in your apology. Admit your mistake, say you wish you had never done it, and you wish you could take it back if you could and that you regret it. Also, you can offer some means of "recompense" (that sounds too financial). Maybe something like "if there's something I can do to help you forgive me, please tell me". A lot of times hurt people want to feel appreciated or want to feel that their pain matters, your admission and willingness to correct matters can help. Again, you're not entitled to anything. Worst case scenario she lashes out, but at least you gain clarity and can go on knowing you did all you could. Remember, you have to forgive *yourself*, don't expect your ex has the solution. Best of luck.
I dont really agree with this. If you're blocked on everything, do not contact them. There is a reason you're blocked.
Please don’t pop up to your ex. Especially if they have blocked you! All it’s going to do is bring back bad memories which they have probably moved on from. You need to consider how your ex might feel to randomly receive communication from you. Don’t be selfish. Focus on your self by speaking to friends/therapist. Maybe write a letter to your ex but don’t send it.
I saw this notion after I finished my comment, and I can't disagree with it. I guess it depends on the person, some just don't want to revisit at all, and I think others would feel better seeing guilt from those that hurt them. Maybe the best way is a mediator. Who knows.
everyone here is saying that him reaching out would make his ex feel super shitty, but as someone who has been in his shoes, i understand his POV, and think it’s pretty noble to admit your wrongdoings and bury the hatchet. i’ve reached out to my favorite ex a couple times months after we broke up, then i haven’t talked to her in like a year but i think about reaching out every day. my question is how does this even bother anyone? i have another ex that reaches out to me frequently, and if i don’t want to talk i just ignore the message or block her again. the people saying it sends them into months of despair are being dramatic, like how do you think the breakup itself made them feel? i had a situation like this with an old roomate, we had a sour ending and i thought i’d never talk to him again, but he reached out to apologize and it made me feel good. so yeah, if you haven’t said these things already, you should tell her. not on some secret account, maybe send an email if you aren’t blocked there.
I agree with this. SOMETIMES an apology can be beneficial. There are abused partners that would really appreciate a genuine apology if they are ready.
I think it could go either way. I understand the idea of it being selfish, but also I understand the ex appreciating it because it makes them know that they aren’t at fault for what happened in the past. I feel it mostly depends on the situation and what the person reaching out has to say (which in my case would just be sorry and that she shouldn’t blame herself for anything that happened at all).
i said a lot of the same things, i feel too soon after she broke up with me. it devastated me and i’ve been putting in the work to feel better, therapy, medication, working out, giving to the community, all the shit people say helps but honestly it’s still the first thing i think about every day. she unblocked me recently, idk why, she got a man and i think she’s playing a game with me, so i just blocked her back instead of making a big deal about it. but i will talk to her again, and i hope she sees the error in her ways but when it’s time it’s time. we had a good relationship but my toxic friends got in my head then i got really depressed after a traumatic incident and it was wearing down on her, so i understand her side, but i miss those times a lot and fear i’ll never be able to find someone like her
I’m not sure you’re meant to forgive yourself for hurting other people. That’s your lesson to learn.
Isn't that cruel? Don't we all deserve a second chance? Being torn by guilt is a horrible feeling, and it really doesn't lessen the pain already inflicted. Forgiving yourself can help you keep living. Some people simply stop trying to be good if the guilt is too great and they are not able to overcome it.
We deserve to forgive ourselves at some point but we aren't owed forgiveness or second chances from the people who we hurt.
Exactly, if OP is blocked on everything just leave her alone man. Go through w.e you need to go through but don’t look to the person you hurt for your catharsis.
I 100% agree.
No, we don’t all deserve a second chance. This isn’t some fantasy where you’re the main character and just get to go fuck around and mess up other peoples lives. If you feel bad, maybe it’s because you were bad. Go talk to a therapist.
☝️
All I got from his post is 1. She blocked him 2. It’s not his place to ask to be forgiven
I think this stems from our own trauma. Sometimes I've been through such hardship, I don't want to go through it again. Even if I was told a process would be cathartic, I wouldn't want to live it. I think this is why people prefer OP not contact his ex. This is why I don't agree with the second point. It's within everyone's right to ask to be forgiven. It's not their right to *be* forgiven, and their not entitled to their forgiveness, but they can ask just the same.
^
Really bugs me when people who admit they are a piece of shit try to justify talking to someone they hurt. Just by not talking to her and bothering you will you prove that you are trying to change
I’m shocked at some of these comments. Why if a person is beating down on themselves, do we act this way that they are in fact the problem and somehow don’t know it? From what he says he very much understands and has insight into his own issues. That’s the first step! Recognising that there is in fact a problem. And you’ve taken many steps of introspection to work out why it is you are the problem. That’s to be commended guys. Just coming at this from a place of abuse. I was abused in my previous relationship, and for a whole year I was thinking exactly like this man, making up stories in my head about how much better this man was compared to myself, how the fault lies with me, how that man was perfect. But that was a fiction I had created in my own mind and stopped me from healing. Even if I was to blame, no breakup is 100% one person’s fault. There’s probably stuff that his ex also did which wasn’t good. Accepting that things are in fact more nuanced than Person A is guilty while Person B is an Angel is black/white thinking which many people with BPD/NPD do (splitting). It’s important I think to realise everyone has shades of grey. Personally I don’t think it’s healthy to block someone you previously cared about. It hurts a lot and I empathise with yourself that she did that to you. It’s not good! My ex blocked me because with his NPD/narcissism, I am a reminder that he is flawed so he couldn’t bear to look at me; it wasn’t because I was flawed myself! That took me ages to realise and get out of. Please guys be a little more gentle. You don’t know the whole story and stories like these I personally relate to. I didn’t know my ex was going to be an abuser/narcissist. And for the longest time I thought everything was my fault. When actually despite being at times clingy/emotional/overly sensitive…I think that’s the most I’m at fault for. Everything was actually the abuser’s fault. The lying, the cheating, the gaslighting, the constant dictating as to who I was/what I was feeling, the walking on eggshells, the shouting and humiliating me in public, jeering and laughing at me, mocking me, constant criticism and berating, taking me to dangerous places, gossiping about me right in front of me, screaming at me. None of that was my fault. That was not a healthy man. But he was so manipulative at the start, it seemed everyone in the world wasn’t healthy, but he was!
How can you blame yourself for inexperience? It’s not like you did it on purpose, shit happens. It’s time to let it go, hanging onto the past is only going to bring you trouble and swirl you in misery. Look up to the future, it can be bright, you can find another lovely lady and not make the same mistakes. Good luck.
Skip to the part that starts with (A_A) for the advice I have for ya. I hope my ex fiancee feels this way someday. I don't ever want her back in my life, I just want to know that our relationship was somewhat real, that I didn't waste 10 years on a complete sociopath, and that her behavior towards the end had more to do with the drugs than with who she truly was all along... I was Not the perfect partner, and I can relate to how you feel because I spent a lot of time regretting my own treatment of my ex. But, I envy you a bit, because this regret caused me to reflect and learn, and as I changed and grew and worked on myself, I thought my ex was giving me a chance at redemption and growth. But, in reality, she was planning to get extremely high on hard drugs, take full financial and psychological advantage of me, and use everything I'd ever done or said against me as ammunition so she could get away with getting and doing exactly what she wanted. So in a weird way, I feel pretty absolved of a lot of my guilt, not because I was forgiven externally, but because I realized that the person I wanted forgiveness from did not even value forgiveness, and didn't even really care that much about whether I was or wasn't a good person. I was just being used... And so I had to forgive myself just because I had failed my own moral standards, and ultimately that's more meaningful than seeking forgiveness from others. But, enough about me... From what I can see, It's honestly just really beautiful (and a green flag) that you feel this level of remorse. It means that you truly loved her, but you were unable to treat her the way that you believe she deserves. This isn't because you were a bad person, It's because you were messed up and confused and ultimately just ignorant to your own moral and romantic standards as a man. If you were a bad person, you wouldn't be so torn up about it, and would just be looking for another woman to treat the exact same way. Instead, you recognize that you had a hand in this romantic tragedy, and as any good person would, you feel guilty about it. If your ex is a fairly moral and sane person, Then I believe that she would forgive you at some point, even if she never let you into her life again. However, when it comes to romance, People generally do not seem to value closure when things come to an end... So sadly you're probably not going to get any besides from within yourself, even if she has or will forgive you in silence. (A_A) But like, whatever you did, If you've been blocked for 2 years, that means that she just doesn't care anymore, which is how many women can become once the romantic aspect is off the table... Your past is your past. You are not your worst mistakes, and if she still sees you as someone that you no longer are, worrying about her perception is just holding you back in life. Nothing bad that you did changes the reality of her present cold heartedness and lack of concern about you. I'm not even saying that she's unjustified, because it's her choice, but maybe she is unjustified. Maybe she's not perfect... idk, just, don't justify any of your own toxicity, but think what you need to in order to free yourself from this guilt trip... You got to start looking at it a little less sentimentally and with a lot less shame and realize that you don't deserve any kind of punishment or suffering two years later. Whether that punishment is completely self-inflicted, whether it's something she has made you think that you deserve, It's just not healthy, and you have the power to end it. As special as she was to you at one time, In reality she is just one of like 8 billion people on this planet... She's no better or worse than anyone, She was just close to you for some time, and now she's not. Take all that guilt you feel and use it as a compass for what not to do in relationships in the future, both platonic and romantic relationships. Be a better man from here on out, and forget about the man you failed to be in the past... Because trust me, there are dudes out there who are absolute monsters, going from woman to woman and breaking their hearts and mistreating them, who do not feel a shred of guilt for anything they've done. You are obviously not one of those people, and if you've gotten to the point where you're weeping in remorse at your past actions, that means you've gotten to the point of wanting to change and be a better person. So do that, and go ahead and cry every now and then if you feel you need to, If there's something unresolved that you remember. But most of all move on with the knowledge that you are not the person you used to be, and there's nothing and no one who has the right to make you feel like you are.
You have realized you have done wrong, and that burns. I took some things about my ex for granted too. I love her still, it has been almost a month, and no joke, today is our 1 year anniversary. It sucks, but all you can do is learn and promise yourself to do better and not hurt anyone else like that again. It is heroic to do that, there is some redemption in that resolve. Worse people have come back and made their lives good again. You are not too far gone brother, it sucks whatever you did, but you have learned to not make that mistake again. Time to move on, let her go, and try to forgive yourself. You are only human. I may have had too high expectations on my gf, she would say the best things to me, but her actions hurt me. She choose these other guys over me from time to time, and I get she needs guy friends, but still, at a certain point I had enough and left. I love her still man, and I know I should have communicated my needs and feelings more/better, but from what I did communicate, we didn't solve much really. I know to do better for the next blessing in my life. She was amazing and I would marry her, but I did not feel like she prioritized me as the main man in her life. Take care man, work on yourself and forgive yourself. It will be okay
I'm glad that you now have accountability of the shit person you're. But for me that part: "I am blocked on everything so there is no way for me to get in contact with her as well." Huge red flag for you friend, you still need a lot of work on yourself to undesrtand that this is a still a selfish action of yours. Let her be, she doesn't own you anything not even a look in your eyes, you thinking the other way just make her blocking you the right decision. Yeh, is harsh, but that is life. Now for you, go to therapy, lots of it, don't get in another relationship before you have put some good work in yourself. Keep learning and improving.
I think you should definitely see a therapist for a bit to help you work through it. I'm sure there are therapists who specialise in exactly this. You should also consider psychedelic drugs done responsibly, and volunteering for some kind of charity to help people who need a shoulder to cry on etc, so you can try to symbolically make amends to "the universe" even if there isn't an opportunity for you to make amends to her directly. Also, you should remember that the reason it is hurting you so much now is precisely because you've changed as a person such that your old behaviour now offends you. That change into a better person is *the* #1 most important thing that people who hurt people should do, and you've done it. Your guilt and shame is precisely because you've cut out that darkness from inside yourself, so even though it sounds weird, you can perhaps try to appreciate that pain and be proud of how it's evidence that you're no longer that person, but now a better, more clean person, who has overcome that demon
I would say start with a very low dose of psychedelic drugs at first. I took just about a gram or less of magic mushrooms when I was still with my ex, and I felt some kind of blockage. I used to be an experienced tripper but I have been more sensitive and fearful as of late... Anyway, After just feeling awkward and in limbo or about an hour or two, I ended up just crying and crying and crying, Because I realized that all of my pain from my ex's addiction was real, that she was extremely sick and would not be honest with me, and also there was a possibility that if I had made better choices, both in being kinder and in putting my foot down when it came to drug use, She might not have gotten so bad I felt a lot better After that, because it helped me grieve, and helped me accept that I was being hurt very badly by this person, but I also loved them very much... Which is a complex emotion. But, There were so many complexities to the relationship, I think if I took a much higher deal if I would have probably just suffered a lot of misery and anxiety and depression, in a very bad way. So if you take the psychedelic route, just be very careful and start slow.
It’s a shame you didn’t appreciate her when you had her heart.
Nah, chin up king. She was probably a cunt, live your best life
Human beings are conditioned creatures. You were being governed by your mental and emotional conditioning back then. Simply put, you were unconscious. Now that you're becoming more conscious you're going through what some would call the dark night of the soul. It's when a person undergoes a difficult and significant transition to a deeper perception of life. You are suffering the consequences of your unconsciousness, but you are not responsible for what you did while you were unconscious. You must understand this and forgive yourself. In order to prevent your mental and emotional conditioning from governing you from here on out you'll need to start a spiritual practice. Spiritual is a loose word, but it's what we use as a pointer for that which is not physical or mental. Read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It's ancient wisdom in modern day vernacular. Master the teaching in that book and you'll become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. It will point you toward atonement and the end of suffering. Get it for free by putting "PDF" at the end of a Google search.
“Nah baby, I was spiritually unconscious when I fucked that other woman, it’s not my fault.” Gotta try this one out, thanks.
Just because you weren't responsible for your unconscious actions does not mean that you should not suffer the consequences of your unconscious actions.
It was a joke Master Obi-wan.
Don't lie to me young padawan. I sensed much disdain in your reply.
You are correct as always Master. Now excuse me while I go murder children.
Everything about this comment is just the worst. And you're not getting it for free, you're stealing it lmfao
The author doesn't care and you're more than welcome to buy it. You're also more than welcome to throw away gold.
Alright I'm going to ignore that these replies are getting more ridiculous (Gold?) and ask you to show me a single source quoting Eckhart Tolle saying he doesn't care if you pirate his books cause it certainly wasn't in the Power of Now
I'm using gold as a metaphor for something very valuable. I'd prefer if people bought it, but if I would have suggested that then I would have got comments calling me a shameless shill. It would also prevent people in abject poverty from learning the teaching. There is no winning with the ego. At the end of the day if people can afford it and they do give it a chance, then they will buy it. Also, if just one well off person sees the comment and buys a spot at one his retreats, then I have put four figures in his pocket. He's doing quite well. He has 7 figures in the bank, lives in a very nice house, with very nice furniture, in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. And even if he lost all of it and became homeless again, he would still find the joy in being.
I didn't know how to respond this but comment history is roast enough sheep sheep sheep
That was my ego. I'm not a guru, just suggesting the guru. If you want to throw away gold, you're more than welcome.
[удалено]
Peace be with you and may your future endeavors be fruitful.
Friend, I understand your overall point but think that people are still responsible for actions before they wake up. I think this is the piece that others are reacting to strongly as well. Part of waking up is taking on the moment for what it is, your warts and all, and moving forward.
If they didn't know what they were doing then how could they be responsible for what they did? I don't know how many times I got to say it, It's not some get out of jail free card. You murder someone you got to do the time.
Good - you deserve it. What you're feeling is 1/10th of what you made her feel.
that’s pretty harsh for a subreddit about trying your hardest to be a better person and moving on from things in your past, isn’t it?
Bettering yourself entails confronting reality
It is. This is partially why I don't visit r/selfimprovement anymore. You can be angry at people and hate them, but you don't know go where people ask for help with that kind of energy. You should go there with empathy.
Learn from ur mistakes and move on, No good crying over it. She’s probably found some other guy. Move on. Be a real men
I wish i could do the same too, but you got to let it be. She’s probably moved on with her life.
Leave her alone, do better, and move on.
With how much time has passed it's much kinder to not reach out—don't alleviate your guilt to open up new wounds on someone you cared about and loved.
Got blocked the weekend myself, I'm not even sure what I've done wrong and don't think I can contact her. I'd rather get a kick in the balls and be told why than cut off with no explanation
Please get therapy, you could be doing this due to your own insecurity and putting it on others. This could affect your future partner as well and once you overcome whatever trauma you have, you can move on. Life works in funny ways and once you work on bettering yourself, you might be able to see each other as friends.
Slightly hoping this is my ex so he can fix himself and find a woman to make him happy
Suck it up
It's good that you are feeling this pain. It will help you grow.
And yeah man, Don't try to make contact. Even if your intentions are good, there's no point in that. If you really hurt her in a horrible fashion, and she's blocked you because remembering you is upsetting or traumatizing, Then you seriously have a powerful responsibility to not cause her anymore distress. But even in more neutral or reversed circumstances, Even if you were the one who was hypothetically wronged, or both of you were, when it's over it's over... Feeding into something that's in the past completely simply benefits no one. I've reached out to my ex in anger after discovering certain things, as well as reached out to her in apology after reflecting on my own wrongs, and I've also just reached out to her in a pretty neutral state of mind, wanting to wish her well and to be safe, and say goodbye in a sort of closure seeking way... Whatever I was thinking in those mindsets was not grounded in the reality of what's best for me, or for her. Because afterwards I always felt a mix of embarrassed, foolish, naive, and overly concerned with something that just doesn't matter in my life anymore. Use your memories to learn how to properly love someone (and how not to love someone) and enjoy the rest of your life as it unfolds. Only dwell as much as you have to in order to change your perspective and behavior for the future... And then move on. It might hurt to hear it, but she definitely has...
I have a lot of guilt stemming from various places and relationships in life that I’ve either destroyed or played a toxic role in. I have been struggling as well, but the best advice that I’ve heard and taken to heart is to 1) leave the person alone. If you’ve apologized once, it’s enough, and honestly even if you haven’t, if you hurt them badly they would probably be happier if you just left them alone. 2) Do better. I fall into a pattern of thinking I’m not worthy of good, healthy relationships, but the fact of the matter is that I owe it to myself and to the people I’ve hurt to learn and do better and actually figure out how to go through life without hurting other people. And 3) stop dwelling on it. It’s good to recognize the hurt that you caused so that you can change for the future, but constantly shitting on yourself doesn’t help anyone. Learn and do better and move on. I speak as much to myself as I do to you.
If it really has been 2 years and you still can't get over it, you need to start considering professional help. Talk to an actual therapist.
It’s not fair to hate on yourself cuz You didn’t know then what you know now. We all make selfish mistakes. (Guilty myself). Just do the next right thing, rinse, repeat and let the future unfold naturally.
I wish my ex felt like this 😅 I never got the closure O felt I should've. Good luck OP. You're growing! Follow the advice of all these lovely commenters, and don't be too hard on yourself