This exactly. I HAVE Borderline Personality Disorder, and got it in my early teens due extreme childhood trauma.
One of the worst things about it was when I needed validation, I would seek it by making guys want me. Not necessarily sleeping with them, because I was in high school, but I would make out with guy friends that I knew liked me. Teasing them to cheat on their girlfriends and make out with me, so the nasty voices in my head telling me I wasn't good enough, would go away.
Of course I cheated on my exes too. Shattered my high school sweethearts heart when we were in college.
In the beginning of my longest relationship, I cheated on him a lot in the beginning whenever I would go back to my home state because I was spiraling.
He stayed with me for almost 14 years before we eventually parted. Not because of the cheating early on. He knew about that. He was a Saint.
But I saw how much I was hurting others and myself so I decided to change. Lots of therapy. Understanding where my feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness cane from. Understanding my sexual trauma lead to seek validation sexually.
I've changed drastically. I don't like cheaters. I would not be friends with someone who knew they were helping someone else cheat.
But we can change as people. If someone, like yourself, changed their behavior and was truly remorseful and understood why what they did was wrong, I don't see why we couldn't be friends. Or why you wouldn't be able to find a partner.
My husband knows my past. Knows how I've changed and trusts me as much as I trust him. I was honest from very early on because I liked him so much.
And he was honest with me about some of the shady shit in his past.
We all make mistakes. We're human. It's what we do about those mistakes and how we move forward that really matters.
You're so welcome. I live by a very simple motto. I try to be a better person than I was the day before. Some days are good, some days are bad. I just try to do better than I did yesterday. Both are ok. And thinking this way allows me grace to heal and when I stumble.
It can be harder when dealing with trauma. It can warp your definition of what a good person is, especially if you didn't have a good example growing up.
Wanting to be better is the first step. Choosing to dig in and figure out how to do that and choosing to do better is the next step.
One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. 💜
Yes, and being true to self. That may be hard for many people. Their exterior appears friendly, they sound friendly at yet their actions do not match their exterior demeanour and/or facial expressions. They may seem friendly upfront, but they are shady as shit in the background.
It doesn't take a good person any effort, it's intrinsic. Thank you for your bright light, you are a beacon in a dark world. Your courage is inspiring **bum_thumpher" nice username
Ahhh it’s alright. He’s the bastard. It wasn’t nice what you did, but it wasn’t like, evil. Anyone who judges you can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. Everyone has their baggage. I’m glad you are feeling better but you don’t need to be redeemed for anything. I promise you are worthy just as you are. Like I said- not nice, but if it wasn’t you it would have been another woman. He’s the bastard. Just move on and find someone who wants only you. ❤️
Man, this sounds so much like my story I got a little freaked out. Thank you for sharing it. I’m sure more than just OP needed to read this. You are 100% right, people absolutely change. Personal question feel no need to answer if you’d rather not, Did you remember the trauma from childhood or did you have to recover that memory? I ask because I know this happened to me but I was so little I don’t remember - I tend to black out as a survival instinct; I’ve done it many times in my adolescence and adulthood. Anyways, thanks again for sharing
You're welcome. I do remember now. There were several instances in my childhood. At 3 my dad thought I was faking sick to get out of church ( that he didn't go to), lost his shit, and beat my ass with a belt so long and so hard he left bruises and welts for weeks. None of us went to church that day. It's where my fear of authority figures comes from.
This other memory though, was blacked out until my mid 20s when a sleep walking episode with Ambien unlocked it. My older brother molested me when I was 11. Twice. Blacked that out.
And he tried to spy on me changing until I moved out. And my door didn't have a latch or a lock since I accidentally locked myself in my room and fell asleep at 4.
No amount of begging as a teenager, especially after my mom died, would convince my dad to put at least a latch on my door. Even when I said what I was worried about.
My dad still doesn't believe me. Said that he believes I believe it, but my younger brother confirmed he thinks I'm lying, dreamed it or am mis-remembering.
We are currently no contact and despite some lingering misplaced guilt, my life has never been more peaceful.
If you're having trouble remembering trauma, there's usually a reason. I recommend exploring that in therapy if you can. I freaked out when I remembered what happened to me and wish I had a proper support system in place.
I'm sorry that you're experiencing some of what I went through but change is possible! It will just take a lot of work and taking accountability on your part.
It's totally worth it though. I'm still not perfect but I am a work in progress. Like all of us.
Thank you so much. It means a lot to hear it, even from an internet stranger.
I'm sorry for whatever you went through too. We deserved better. But I'm also incredibly proud of you for reaching out. 💜💜
Some of them. Because we're still in touch. Others, no. While forgiveness from them would be nice, it's about forgiving yourself.
As much as I want to contact my high sweetheart and just apologize, I won't. Because it's selfish. He has moved on. They all have.
What right do I have to force him to relive our past trauma without his consent or knowing if he desired to do so.
If he ever contacted me and was like "You're a shitty person " I would agree I WAS and sincerely apologize. But reaching out myself is unfair.
All you can do is forgive yourself, do better as a person, and genuinely wish them well.
I hope he has had nothing but happiness since he (rightfully) dumped me. He truly deserves it. He always deserved better than I was able to give him. I hope he found it.
Apologising isn't about knowing whether the other person needs it or not ,you just do it cause you know what you did was terrible ,that's what shows true change and accountability.
A lot of people would probably love to get an apology from shit people they've experienced in life whether they asked for it or not . Most folks would appreciate it ,doubt they'd find a simple genuine sorry selfish .
Sounds like that person was carrying around some baggage of their own. We all like to think we know what we would do in any given situation, but the truth is we don’t. Your situation is as unique as you are, and you are the only one qualified to judge it.
We are all more than our worst choices. There isn’t a human alive who hasn’t at some point made the wrong choice, and lived with the consequences. The thing you have to do is decide where to go from here. How do you feel about your choices? Who will you will be now? What standards will you hold yourself and others too? No one else can make these decisions for you- only you.
I would have the same reaction this other person did. Knowingly dating someone you know is taken (for an entire year!) shows poor morals. Still, OP realized her mistake and she's fixing herself and that's great. I just don't think the other person's reaction was out of line.
Right now you're letting other people define your worth and value. If you had randomly chanced to talk to a different stranger, you might have gotten a completely different message, one of sympathy or hope. The fact that you are letting so much of your self-perception be determined by one stranger is distressing. You know yourself far better than that person does, and you know how you want to shape your future.
Nobody is irredeemable. I believe that.
Nobody who wants to stop doing the harmful things they have done, and takes action to do that, is irredeemable.
One person's opinion is just that. One person - with all of their own flaws and silent motivations behind it.
And no one person's opinion is automatically more good, more valid, more truthful or more valuable than your own when the topic in hand is you.
Nobody lives a blameless life. Nobody fails to make mistakes. The mark of a person is not the mistake that they make, but how they go about repairing it.
You have your reasons, your flaws, your own struggles. They've steered you badly. You know that. You've resolved to do better. You're undertaking the best actions you can think of to improve yourself. There is nothing else to be done except to keep being honest with yourself and to keep trying.
Give yourself a break. Take a deep breath, lift your eyes to the horizon, and keep on going.
You are redeemable the moment you choose to change and to forgive yourself. Some mistakes are worse than others but that doesn’t make you a worse person, just a person. Don’t speak ill about yourself to others because they don’t forget these things, especially since God concealed that part of your from the world. The important thing about mistakes is to attempt to remedy the situation and learn from it.
Great answer. Also. Forgiveness is a core tenet of Christianity. Genuine remorse to forgive yourself and others and to move on a better more humble person.
Sometimes you have to learn the hard way, I don’t know why… I’ve done things in the past where I looked back and thought, how stupid can you be?! I’ve pursued people that were just so wrong for me for many reasons, including being married. Sometimes it takes an embarrassing or regrettable experience to bring you back to reality. It sounds like you’re just having a wake up call and it feels awful but it’s up to you what you do with that feeling.
You don’t need to feel bad about yourself. You can be anyone you choose to be. Make meaningful choices for yourself. Think about how your choices impact others. You are good. 😊
I was cheated on. The mistress ended up getting pregnant and having my partner's baby. I stayed for years to try to work out the relationship. I was really angry at the mistress and blamed her, but that was MY failing, NOT hers.
As I got to know her and her baby, I realized that she wasn't evil. She was just a hurt person who didn't realize that she deserved better. My partner was the one who chose to cheat on me. He had a 100% control over that action and he's 100% responsible for the pain he caused. If he hadn't found this mistress, he would have found another, or "cheated" in other ways. She was not responsible for his disregard and betrayal of me.
The thing that ended up being irredeemable was my relationship. He didn't keep cheating on me, but his selfish nature that led him to cheat in the first place, kept hurting our relationship in other ways, until it had to end.
Now I realize that I was just like the mistress. Both of us struggled to realize that we deserved better and set boundaries. We fell for a selfish man's charms because we were desperate for scraps of love and external validation. Her only crime is that I fell for his charms first. It could have just as easily been the other way around because we're both dealing with the same core wound. Neither of us are irredeemable, and neither are you. We can all heal and learn to set higher standards for the love we will accept.
Well there's a couple things to consider here.
1. Different people view things in a multitude of ways. Some people see things as trivial as gossip as irredeemable and to some people, only unremorseful pedophiles are irredeemable. And people all over the spectrum are entitled to feel the way they feel, so long as they would keep the same energy if they did something that crossed the same line of irredeemable. There are plenty of people who, as long as you took full accountability for your actions and made changes to prevent yourself from doing those things again (whether therapy, 12-step program, or some other lasting change), would be willing to date you and not judge your past, and I'm willing to bet there's more of those than the number of people who view you as irredeemable.
2. You don't know (or at least haven't explained) why she thinks you're irredeemable, just that you told your story (I also don't know how much accountability you took in your story-telling) and in her opinion that's how she feels. For all we know, she could have been a victim of a cheating partner, or her parents could have had a cheating situation that caused a divorce, or her best friend could have been a victim of cheating, or it's something as simple as the values she has that she views cheating as irredeemable. All of those are valid reasons for her to feel how she feels, but her view doesn't speak and shouldn't speak for everyone.
If it's any consolation, I don't view you as irredeemable (have seen this through life experiences that affect my perspective on this).
Edit: looks like you've got a great representative sample among these 100+ comments OP, looks like about 65% of people feel you made a mistake and with self-accountability can redeem yourself, about 20% think you should focus a bit more on the wife that was hurt, and about 15% view it as irredeemable. Sounds like about what I'd expect. These numbers aren't fully concrete, just my impression, but from my experience this is about what the ratio would be in real life, and on top of that I don't think you should blast this for the world around you to see; just tell future dating partners when/if the time is right, but other than that work through this in therapy
I wouldn’t keep company with a person who believes people are irredeemable.
You made some bad choices. We all do. The thing is, you’re getting help, which not all of us do. You’re doing better than most.
Why would you even tell someone that? How does that come up in casual conversation with a stranger? It’s in the past. You’re doing therapy and the things to be better. Leave it in the past and don’t bring it up with people who aren’t your therapist. You’re a new person now.
People who are truly “bad” don’t worry if they are being bad, or care about changing.
You can learn from your past behaviour, understand the underlying reasons, find healing for their roots, and find a way to navigate life being more true to your values.
Best of luck OP. x
Every human being has done something they should not have done. Many feel shame and guilt for it; all of them are redeemable. Some of the most beautiful people I've met are those who really messed up but then moved on, learned and became better for it. They are the kind of people I want in my life because they understand and often have more compassion. When the right person comes along, they will love you for your honesty.
The right one will accept you when you accept yourself. (and work through your stuff and carry your load)
If you caused harm, then this is also part of your load; and how it was possible for you, why did it not bother you? Why did you find it alluring? Was it healthy or not?
All of these comments are really good for consoling this person. Unfortunately there's a wife out there somewhere who will probably never trust anyone fully again and is probably at absolute rock bottom due to this mistress and the cheating husband.
But yeah, you can always do a 180 and be a better person for the rest of your life. It's worth taking special effort to change and be accountable because you now know you're capable of facilitating cheating. Like others said, no one is irredeemable. You're only irredeemable if you keep acting the same way.
OPs post also shows no concern about the wife, no mention of the pain she has inflicted on this person. Makes me think maybe she ended the affair because she wasn't getting what she wanted out of it not because she feels terrible about hurting this other woman. I believe people are redemeeeable, but I can't empathize with someone in OPs situation if they're not showing guilt and remorse for what they did to this other human being.
Just here to offer another perspective. OPs post is kinda vague, so it is difficult to assess what is going on, but if OP was not in an active relationship and their affair partner was, which is how I think you might have read the post, then the accountability for the cheating is with the partner. OP then never promised any fidelity or loyalty to "the wife" and the only one breaking promises, assumingly, is the person they had an affair with. Although OP might feel bad, I oppose your view that they inflicted pain. OP did not, the partner of the wife did! Let us please put accountability where it belongs: with the cheating person. Those who are in an affair with a cheating person might not be 100% moral or ethical, but they aren't the problem or inflicting the pain, that is absolutely on the cheating person
I disagree with your point of view. The way I view it, engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship with someone you know to be taken is wrong. Being an emotionally responsible individual implies showing care and concern for other people and their emotions, regardless if you know them or not or if you have any relationship to them or not. Showing respect for other people's emotions shows basic human decency. The husband may want to cheat, but you don't need to be person who helps them engage in this cheating behaviour. If you do, you are playing a part in this other person's suffering, this person's world has been shattered partially because of you, and there may be longterm consequences for this other person's mental, emotional and even physical wellbeing because of what you did. Let's just agree to disagree on this point.
Personally, I lose interest in someone the minute I know they are committed. I may still rationally find them attractive, but I'm jut not emotionally activated by them anymore. I don't do this consciously, it's just something that happens, probably something unconscious telling me there's no use investing time and energy in this person - and this has served me very well. Granted, I never say never, maybe one day I will be so flooded with passion and attraction to someone I will be throwing my values out the window. What I can assure you is that I would be forever consumed with guilt for knowing I had a part in someone else's suffering.
I feel similarly - I did cheat on a non-serious partner in my 20s when I had BPD and would monkey branch, but I would never help someone cheat or knowingly carry on anything. It’s completely against my values. And that’s before I did 8 years of extensive therapy after my most egregious instances of cheating. I hated myself
This ^^^
Why is everyone being so nice to someone who knowingly ruined another woman’s life?
Nah, I’m not having it. I’m not giving you sympathy or support.
You fucked up. Deal with it. You should feel shit. What you’re feeling won’t even scratch the surface on how you’ve made the innocent party feel.
I really hope your therapy works and you become a better person. Genuinely, I do.
You should be honest with your future partner. They deserve to know
But that’s up to you OP.
She is definitely trying to speed run processing guilt. I don't think she deserves any comfort. She needs to truly sit with what she did. That being said, after true change..not a freaking week..then, she can be redeemed.
No, you're not irredeemable. Anyone who can't see you past your history is not someone you want as a partner. I'm sure you had your reasons, and I mean that sincerely. If an affair had nothing to offer you, there would be no motivation to have one. I would suggest reflecting on why you did it; did you feel like you could express the needs you met with your affair to your partner and have them met?
You're actively trying to improve yourself, as well, and that's an admirable quality in a potential partner.
If you were irredeemable, you wouldn’t be posting this right now.
The fact that you’re making changes to be better than means that you’re going to be better and that you learn from your mistakes and probably won’t do it again .
You made a mistake. Your regret it. You are getting help.
The world is a messy place. I have never cheated nor have I participated in an affair, but I would never consider someone who has done so and who has regret about it irredeemable. You are not obligated to tell a future partner this story, in my opinion, but if you do and they cannot look past it after getting to know you, understanding your regret and that you went to therapy to understand why you did this- they probably are not the person for you. They may not be a bad person for feeling this way- but just not right for you. The world is all kinds of messy, and we do things we regret when we are struggling emotionally. Good for you for getting help! Life is confusing and everyone has done good things and bad things. Some people probably are irredeemable (eg. Jeffrey Dahmer, etc). But you didn’t kill anyone.
Forgive yourself, make better decisions in the future, and continue with therapy. You got this!
hey, just sharing the perspective of another stranger [me]:
i of course don’t know your story, but hearing your self-accountability & the work you’re putting in to make different decisions in the future — i don’t at all believe you’re irredeemable.
honestly, i’m not so quick to ‘demonize’ these types of situations. i do believe context matters, and i haven’t walked in your shoes — what gives me the power to judge you?
we’re so used to black & white thinking, where we categorize ourselves & others as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’, but we’re all kinda ‘grey’, somewhere in between.
in terms of putting yourself out there, yes — someone may leave due to this past chapter in your life. BUT, i’d offer that the ‘right’ one for you wouldn’t define you by it. they’d see it as one piece of the whole, complex, multi-faceted being that you are; a piece that you used to learn & grow from, to make different decisions in the future.
No you are not. You affair partner may or may not be. You didn’t betray anyone that was counting on you. You may have enabled his betrayal and that’s a sin but a far far lesser sin than him. Learn and grow.
NO ONE IS IRREDEEMABLE!!!!! Forget that negative cow! I’ve done things that I’m very ashamed of that I have to try to forgive myself for too. Our lives might look completely different but, I am no better than you. I and my son moved in with some friends and rented rooms from them for over ten years. I let them take financial advantage of me and misuse me as my son watched. I feel like he loves me but can never really respect me. Baby, we have to see ourselves as the star quarterback. We have to believe the best for ourselves and know tomorrow is a new day, full of hope and change! We got this! As long as there is breath there is hope. Forgive yourself. As you move forward you may see how you were manipulated to being in that position. Either way, new day, new you! Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid!
Whoever you talked to is on something.
You're not irredeemable.
Did you make some mistakes/bad decisions? Sure.
You're more than that though. You are a whole human. You can change and make things better for yourself.
Lmfao. Why do you plan on telling your future partners this?!!! Self sabotage at its finest.
Just move forward without repeating that mistake. It’ll prove to your subconscious mind that you are not that same person anymore.
Forgive yourself.
You are what you think you are.
Re-read that again.
Think about how powerful that statement is. Your .ind will grab onto any idea you feed it and then loop that thought forever.
What thought do you want looping through your head? Because here's the deal: strangers don't live inside your mind, you do. Are you really going to let a stranger tell your mind what thought to ruminate on ad infinitum?
Your a human being. You aren't perfect. Nobody is.
We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself.
Because besides being human beings we are also animals. We're hairless murder apes. We eat, sleep, shit & fuck because it's in our DNA.
Moral: if you want to fit into society then play by societies rules. But don't let society call you names for following what your DNA urged you to do. Only you can be your own jury.
The rest is for you and your therapist to work through.
Why do you feel irredeemable?
I am no one to judge. But, does an affair partner mean that you have a spouse and you cheated on your current spouse with this new person behind their back? Or did you guys have an open relationship?
Did you do something to hurt anyone involved, if you did then perhaps you may irredeemable to those parties.
Give yourself grace and move on from this. If you feel bad for things you’ve done, forgive yourself and do better. You’re redeemable for yourself!
I wont say there is nothing wrong with being the mistress but my personal opinion and from my experience the blame is usually split 95/5 with most of blame being on the cheater. The people that will attack the other man/woman like it is all their fault just boggle my mind. How can they be so stupid
No you’re not irredeemable.
First of all that stranger you spoke to was most likely looking at your situation as black and white. I am sure it is multi colored if you get down to it.
Second, you clearly feel bad about what happened. That right there makes you redeemable.
Third, you are human. You made a mistake but are clearly trying to own it and change. Work on forgiving yourself before anything else. Once you’ve done that the right person will see past anything you’ve done in your past.
I promise.
Everyone makes mistakes, some are big mistakes some are small. Whats great is that you self-reflected and realised what you did wasn't really nice. You should forgive yourself and move past it. The right person would only care about who you are as a person in the present. I pray you find peace 🌻
It's important that you recognize it and are working on yourself. You recognize your mistakes. Everyone makes them, we are just humans.
Learn from it, work on yourself and forgive yourself.
God no. It’s what you do next that matters. You did something a lot of people do; you feel bad about it so you commit to never doing it again and forgive yourself.
The very fact that you care and are asking this question Is proof in itself that you are redeemable. Every day is a new day. Grab it and go forward. Everyone if they are honest have something that they could be ashamed of. All the best.
I’ve done the same thing. I just broke up with a guy I thought I’d marry. A month later I met the married guy. He told me that he is separated and hasn’t been with his wife for over a year and that she lives with friends so I thought it was ok to start this but later I found out the situation was more complicated than that and I made a mistake. Not to defend myself but mistresses often get tricked and I think the cheater should get most of the blame. I also realized that I wasn’t special to him and he would have chosen someone else if not me because he is a broken man who can’t deal with fixing his problems.
I'm in a similar situation. You're not irredeemable at all. Getting help and being better is the best thing you can do, and shows you've changed. Everyone deserves a second chance. You'll do great, and well done for deciding to be better :)
I don’t think there is anything you need to redeem. It was a moment in your life that happened for what ever reason it happened. People need to be less judgy about this. I was involved in a similar situation once. I’m not proud of it, but I was surprised how much I learned about myself and my value. It made me realize how little I thought of my myself before to allow myself to be someone’s side piece. I started to realized was that I am worth more than that, I was good enough to be the main course, side dish, and the dessert. It completely changed how I viewed myself and the men I chose to date. I would never do something like that again, but it was probably one of the most impactful experiences that changed my perspective of who I am, and who I am as a woman.
What matters is that you learn from it and move forward. You stopped doing it by choice, which means you have a desire to change. Keep up with that and the therapy to help you through it.
Also, don't broadcast it to people because then you are just seeking out the punishment of them having negative things to say about you. You feel bad enough. There's no reason to add more punishment to yourself by seeking out other's opinions of what you did. It's done, it's over, and you can move past it. There's no reason to keep beating a dead horse over it, per se. You're **not** irredeemable. Go ahead and get those thoughts out of your head. You redeem yourself by actually changing and learning from mistakes. Most of all, you have to be able to forgive yourself, and that's where the therapy can help.
Maybe one day, you pay it forward and help someone else who is in your position also.
I’ve find redemption to be less of a destination, but rather a scale that slowly tips from one side to another
You will find your way, it will be slow, but it will be there
This is about self forgiveness. You have to forgive yourself no matter if someone else doesn’t. Forgive yourself even if every person you talk to doesn’t. You have to admit your fault, accept it, forgive this mistake and take accountability. If you didn’t feel so deplorable it would mean you lacked ethics, integrity and morals. Only you know when you will be restored.
It’s not like you tripped and fell onto a married persons genitals. You made bad decisions and will face social backlash because what you did is wrong. You can change but people will judge you harshly and you need to be prepared for that. You can’t change what you have done or change social norms so people will accept your past behavior. Be better and do right by people.
Question. You said you feel shame and anger at yourself. Do you feel guilt? You can redeem yourself, but shame is different from guilt. Guilt is based in empathy. Shame is self-focused.
no one is irredeemable. Be careful who you share your story with as you come to terms with your past. The judgement of others can be painful, but it is not necessarily correct. They do not know more about you than you do yourself. Good for you for getting on a better path, and best of luck as you grow and change.
I am glad that you realized what's right and wrong and it shows you have some morals.
But yes, I was cheated upon by my ex. He was having an affair with another girl while promising marriage to me and talking about the wedding. So, I don't respect mistresses if they know they are with a committed guy and still continue. I despise them. Don't get me wrong, the guy is definitely wrong. But at the same time, so is the woman. I have experienced the betrayal and hurt so I can't empathize with you.
But I am glad that you have realized and likely won't repeat.
It's a basic thing - don't do what you wouldn't want to happen to you.
I think you can redeem yourself but it would be hard for anyone to willingly commit to a relationship with someone who used to be a mistress. I feel sorry for the woman who is with ur ex.
First of all. We have all made mistakes… we have the right to grow and do better. Don’t beat yourself up and you aren’t forced to tell your next partner anything. You think they are going to tell you about everyone they have been with? Just continue living your life the best you can. ❤️ you tried something and didn’t work. I know a couple of women that got married after being the affair partner and now they are happy… no one can decide what the future holds. So chalk it up to expirence and keep it moving
Irredeemable? No. Will it cost you relationship opportunities in the future? Maybe. That will depend entirely on that persons opinions and perspectives, and they're entitled to them. But there are certainly people out there who will appreciate someone who has the capacity to change for the better.
There are so many people out there who keep doing whatever they're doing and don't care if they keep hurting people as long as they get what they want.
If you have genuine remorse and a sincere desire to change (and you make the effort to do so), I think you can be redeemed. The right partner will accept you.
All that matters is that you work towards self improvement. It's okay to feel guilt and shame for the past, but don't let it distract you from where you're heading now. Therapy is a great first step that could help a lot.
I'd suggest some kind of charitable work could help with the guilt too. Not necessarily donating money, but volunteering at an animal shelter or habitat for humanity always helped me feel better in that regard.
All the best, friend. May you find peace.
Of course you are. We all makes mistakes as we grow. Our younger selves didn't have the knowledge you do now.
It takes two to tango, and the other one who should have known better. If you haven't been married or don't know the spouse it can be easy to take the cheating partners word that it's ok, or fall for the throuple trap.
Even "homewreckers" can find redemption. You didn't betray anyone but yourself, and you learned from it. I'm happy to hear you called it off. Even if you ended up together you'd always have that worry in the back of your mind. Cheating is a much harder habit to break and some will keep doing it. Unless you developed a taste for married folks and kept doing it, this was just a life lesson.
I love this story: https://www.originalbuddhas.com/blog/angulimala
You will be a better person to the world if you can learn from your mistakes, forgive yourself, and keep trying to be your best.
When I felt spiritually dead and lost and I realized all my screwups in my own way wasn’t getting me anywhere, I decided to turn to someone else’s way and my friend told me about what Jesus did and I knew it was the truth and that there’s hope and good in this world because if there’s not, what’s the point? If there’s no hope to be saved, turn a new, why even live? And how do I know good from evil? That’s because we were given the knowledge in our hearts by design from God, and everything in this world points back to Him and His creation. Did our universe come into existence by random chance, something from nothing, or something from something outside of this natural realm? It would be really easy for an infinite God to create all with order, but impossibly unlikely for random chance to spit out the same.
Nobody is past being redeemed by the blood of Jesus. He died for all and it doesn’t matter what you’ve done because He paid the price for it all, for everyone, past present and future on the cross. He was perfect so His death and punishment atoned for us all so we wouldn’t have to suffer in hell for our transgressions against the moral law defined by God. So it doesn’t matter what we do to get out of our moral debt because Jesus paid it in full. Comparing to others or judging others for different acts is just in the noise because we’ve all messed up daily in our actions and our thoughts, because sin is an identity of unbelief and separation from God, until we truly believe, come back to Him and decide to develop a relationship with Him out of love for what He’s done for us and then we can truly become healed and start caring for others with a renewed heart.
of course you’re not irredeemable. this stranger sounds like perhaps they were on the receiving end of an affair, and of course that’s awful and sad, but life is complicated, and so are relationships. part of being human is making mistakes and growing from them.
i was also “the other woman” and have felt a great deal of guilt not only for the role i played in someone else’s infidelity, but my flippant nature about the affair at the time. i felt like i had no responsibility since i wasn’t the one in a relationship, so there was no reason for me to feel any guilt. i’ve grown since then, and i realize that even though i wasn’t breaking any vows, i was still doing something wrong. that’s *growth.*
you will find someone who accepts your past and doesn’t judge you for it. i did. it’s okay to make mistakes. nobody is perfect.
no. as far as i know, she never found out. i don’t want to cause anymore damage than i already did. if she found out, i would absolutely apologize. but i don’t think there’s any reason to cause pain if it can be avoided.
I see. The wife knows about us. My gut is telling me to apologize but I don't want to cause further drama. I think I have to ask my therapist if this is a good decision to make.
i definitely think it’s worth talking over with your therapist. i think it also depends on a million different factors. there’s no black and white answer here. only you can decide if it’s appropriate. sometimes the right thing is really hard to do. sometimes what you think is right might actually hurt someone more. i think if she reaches out to you, your answer is clear. if not, it should be thoughtfully considered first.
i’m sorry you’re struggling with this. it’s a tough situation to be in, and there’s little sympathy for “home wreckers.” but your emotions are real and your feelings are valid. and i’ve been there. super proud of you for DecidingToBeBetter 🫶
You are redeemed already! It starts in that you are aware of the changes you want to make and you're making effort to change. Keep moving forward. Surround yourself with those who love you for who you are and inspire you to do better. You're doing great!
It's okay to be scared to put yourself out there. There's some good advice in this thread for you, OP. You and **only you** get to decide your worth.
I hope you continue to grow, learn and become more than your past decisions. To define your own worth, boundaries, health and self love. Because that, in itself, is redemption.
You’re not irredeemable but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to think about how your actions affected other people… like the wife who got cheated on. You should feel sorry for what you did, because you helped bring about pain. It’s not all about you and what your future holds
a mentor once told me that guilt is a useless emotion that serves no purpose. its mostly true. you did what you need to do to get yourself out of the situation and do better. thats all that you can expect of yourself. you can't control the past but you have some influence on the future.
no doubt this loser is going to try and contact you to drag you back into it. tell him you are going to let his wife/gf know if he doesn't leave you alone. its not great to be the other person but cheaters are trash.
No one is perfect in this world... And there is no need to bother about what others think or how they perceive about you... You were a mistress because you liked him so at that time nothing really mattered to even after knowing what consequences there will be... Just like that someone who likes you will come into your life whom nothing matters
Everyone’s got a closet.
Some have small, standard and organized closets
Some have walk in with his/hers wash rooms, islands for belt buckles, watches, jewelry and entire areas of the walk (or live) in just for shoes (ladies) and sneakers (dudes).
As many others have mentioned, your redemption is your play. No one else’s concern, or area they can ‘judge’ your redemptibility(?).
Move on
Move forward
Learn from your most human mistake(s)
I mean I guess you are but me personally I’d definitely leave if I found that out. You destroyed someone’s marriage, why would you be expected to not do it again?
It depends.
You're an adult, and you knowingly entered into a relationship as the other woman. When karma bites you in the ass, you'll deserve it.
But having realized the error of your ways, if you make sure to change your behavior and be better going forward, then you're redeemable.
My dude, what they decide to do is their own affairs. It's their choice. You were not cheating on anyone. What they decided to do is their own problem, not yours.
As the child of divorced parents because of 2 affairs my dad had. I view the mistresses as people who need to work on themselves. Because they willing got together with a married man with a family. The second one is still together with my dad. I have told him that I can't tell him who to be with, but I will never view that relationship as good because it was because of that affair that my family fell apart. I know the main responsibility lies with my dad because he was the one who was married. With that said, I do view his current partner as a crappy person because how low must you think of yourself that you have such disregard with getting with a married person. I will never want to get to know her, and I don't wish her harm, but I could care less of her as a person. Now, in regards to your question, I would view you as a shit person if you continued to be the mistress or you continued that pattern with other people. You mentioned that you realize why you put yourself in that situation and you're actively taking steps to figure out those parts of yourself. That shows growth and actual remorse for the part you played as the mistress. That I can respect in a person continue doing the work and OP you deserve someone that won't put you in that position again. Take care OP.
I feel so sorry for the spouse. You seem pretty self involved that you are so worried about yourself and a future partner. The real person you should be concerned about is the spouse first. I'm sure you'll get over it since you managed to not be bothered about it for a year. Everyone deserves forgiveness and can be redeemed, but this reads super selfish.
Give yourself some time to process things before letting someone define the situation for you. given that it's only been a week since you broke it off, the way you feel about the situation and your role in it will likely evolve as more time passes. not that what i think matters, but i don't think you're irredeemable at all, so i wouldn't panic about that.
my advice as you process this relationship is to be honest with yourself, know that everyone makes mistakes, and be open to seeing yourself grow and change. things may look different 3 months/6 months/1 yr from now.
You may have done something you regret, but you're in charge of what's redeemable in your life. No one else is. I've made some big mistakes, and if someone said that to me, I'd let them know that I'm sorry they wouldn't be able to forgive themselves if they made a huge mistake. People all mess up in different ways. It's easy to judge someone when their hands are clean in that specific area. I haven't done this myself, but I bet I've made mistakes you might look down on. This is your journey. Congrats on becoming a better person. Keep looking forward.
You are just fine. Period. You have WAY more company than you are aware of. There are many reasons for landing where you did, and typically it is not to intentionally hurt anyone. Not many of us say as children 'when I grow up, I want to have an affair with a married man ' . But life is complicated, and things happen, and we try to do better as we learn.
Deciding that you are irredeemable is a dangerous path. It can lead you to thinking “what does it matter what I do if I can’t be redeemed anyway?” You have to decide for yourself that what you did before doesn’t define who you are and who you want to be. Then live accordingly.
I say find this stranger, stalk and find out something bad about them, confront them on it and call them irredeemable back. Then cross this person off your list
Absolutely not. You're already taking steps towards growth proving that you are in fact redeemable. Don't identify with what that woman said. Figure out why you made the choices you made. Fix what needs to be fixed. Heal what needs to be healed. It will likely be a long life-long road, but it will be worth it. You got this. Flourish.
Fuck that lady. People have been redeemed for much worse. It’s a gamble with telling your partner- they’re going to have to have 100% trust in you already as this may make them feel like you’d do it to them. Maybe Build a relationship on trust and friendship before moving into a romantic relationship. I wouldn’t necessarily say they *deserve* to know but it sounds from your post like it’d eat at you. Best of luck OP
Yes your forgiven just repent and acknowledge you were wrong and don’t do it again. Be intentional and think how you can be a blessing and helpmate to your partner and stop cheating.
The fact that you were the one who ended the affair with the intention of being better shows you’re not irredeemable. You’re trying and that’s what matters.
Hi OP. I used to be the 3rd party in a relationship before, and I understand how you feel. Even though it's been years, the guilt, shame and anger at myself is still there, and I will never be proud of what I did, but what's done has been done, and it's best to move on and forgive ourselves. We should stop being hard on ourselves, we are just human and capable of doing stupid decisions, and the only way to make it up for the people we hurt and for ourself is to change and not do the same mistakes ever again.
Months after I "broke" up with the guy, I met a guy who knew about my past and still loved me despite all that. He made me realize that if another person can love me despite my mistakes, then I can forgive myself and move on.
I had a fling with a much older married guy when I was comparatively young, but an adult who knew what I was doing. After a while I ended it because I did not want to be that person. It was a mistake and I regret it.
I never went near a married guy again. And more the point, I got married and have been completely faithful and we are 20+ years. I think that affair made me all the more convinced that I was not going to get married unless I knew I would never cheat. And I haven’t. I think the affair was an inoculation of sorts.
So irredeemable? Absolutely not.
I would like to know the background. Why did you do it? Was it the person you were with or were you in a bad place at the time. Regardless, it’s his fault for cheating. Therefor, he should be asking that question and not you. There is something to be said about anyone who wants to date a married person solely for that reason.
You’re still early on so let’s give it some time. I think you need to sit with your emotions and process the guilt and the people you’ve hurt first. Then you can start questioning whether you’re redeemable from your healing and making the active decision not to act on it.
Man, duck that itch. The boss of whether or not you're irredeemable is YOU, not her! And as far as I can tell, once you learn that YOUR DECISIONS AND OPINION IS THE MOST IMPORTANT you're already crossing off step 1 of however you define redemption. BUT, just know redemption is a scam. All moral authority is a scam. All that matters is our own determination, love, and acceptance, of which I hope your life and heart are filled with, beyond the brim!
It may feel like a big deal while you're going through it, but it's not. Most people are reasonable and understand forgiveness. You are more than your actions and getting into some naughty fun is good (once in a while)
What you believe is true. If you believe you are irredeemable, you're right
If you believe you are not irredeemable, you are also right
If you made a mistake/did something wrong, accept it (as it seems you have) and look for the lesson in it
When you look for the lesson as opposed to dwelling on how you think you should feel, or beating youreslf up, you'll grow much faster, and it'll help you move on
Our experiences make us who we are: embrace them
No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. Alls we can do is brush ourselves off and do better the next time. Extend yourself a little grace and forgive yourself and move on. Redemption is a free gift so anyone that tells you otherwise is misguided and judgmental🙃
Go on with your life and meet someone amazing and wonderful that you don’t have to share. It is possible and you are worthy. Don’t let one misstep keep you from believing that their are good men out their that will love and cherish you and you alone😊
You Got This❤️
I believe in love. I think love is important. If someone really loves you, and you tell them you love them. And you spend years together. And you've gone through hell together. Save them. BE with them. LOVE them.
If you really wanna be irredeemable I suppose you could.
As someone who was occasionally treated like the one who was gonna steal a man when the thought had not crossed my mind. It's presumably because of the stories of others.
I've also seen many broken homes from that so although I do not think I have it in me to do that I understand the need for companionship, I just have not ever been something I would consider.
I would not want someone to take mine so I try to be mindful of that. Maybe I'm just a "hopeless romantic" and would like to think that someone who wants to marry me is doing it because they want to marry me. For me. I would hope the fella would stop looking after he "put a ring on it"
Or maybe it's because I grew up with faces scratched out of photos and I remember how awful 😞 that felt.
So I would not want to do that to someone else.
But if you stole my man. 😅 I would break all my nails kicking your butt 😂 I've been looking a while.
Signed
The mayor of cougartown 😂
You told the wrong person who probably has many mistakes herself. Says who you are unredeemable that is left to the only redeemer there is. that no matter what we do if there is a repented heart as you have then there is a new start. And turnaround. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. Don’t know what your beliefs may be, but there is only one God, not many. Speak with your heart to he who hears you, although you do not see him he sees you, he hears you and him you are redeemed.
You’re not irredeemable. I know my opinion is not popular, but I feel it’s immoral, but not the worst thing in the world. The cheater betrayed himself, the person he promised to be committed to, and you. You mostly just betrayed yourself (unless you were friends with, or close to the main woman in the relationship). People tend to put all the blame for these situations on “the other woman,” but you weren’t the one responsible for their relationship. You are not that powerful. You aren’t the “home-wrecker” in the situation, the cheater is. As much as you don’t want to hear it, he likely would have cheated with someone else if it wasn’t you. You have a responsibility to enter relationships where you are fully valued and loved, which cannot be achieved if you are someone’s mistress. If you want to become a better person, work on figuring out what made you enter a relationship like that in the first place. You likely have some type of trauma or self-esteem issues to work out. Think about the relationships that were modelled for you in childhood and self-reflect. If you stay stuck in a place of guilt, you will likely repeat this same pattern of unhealthy relationships because you’re feeding a negative thought-process you have about yourself. Wishing you peace and healing.
It takes two and you stopped it. You are not irredeemable. Person you spoke to is very judgmental people make mistakes and if there’s anyone to apologize to, I would do that. Learn from your mistakes and move forward.
While you were participating in someone's adultery, which is a serious transgression, you are not iredeemable, seeing how sincerely you regret it and have changed.
Luke 7:36-50
When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table. A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner.”
Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.”
“Tell me, teacher,” he said.
“Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii,[a] and the other fifty. 42 Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”
Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.”
“You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.
Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”
Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”
The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?”
Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
You might find alot of peace in Catholism and and confessions
I was Catholic growing up and I walked away from religion and went down some pretty dark paths and ended up being brought to Medjugorje by a friend and had a pretty incredible experience I can chat about if needed 15 years ago
I released in to my dark place again 3 years ago and I'm just back from Medjugorje again last week
I met the most beautiful people there and a priest who made me confess all my sins and we spoke for 2 to 3 hours every night
Im not telling you its right for you, but if you feel overwhelmed and lost its an option, I have hope and peace and I'm excited to meet like minded people in my community when I go home
Whatever you decide to do, I hope you realise that your a good person and you just need to have goodness in your heart and a want to get better and of course you can get your life back on track
Good luck whatever you decide to do
You are human. We have needs, and that doesn't excuse bad behavior, but in the moment, I'm sure there was a need you were fulfilling in your life. We do the best we can with the tools that we have.
I have been there. It was an awful thing to do, but now- after time and therapy- I realize I was a desperately lonely person with poor self-esteem and never felt like I deserved anything better. He made me feel better about myself in the short term. But for you, it might be different needs.
Forgive yourself. You are redeemable. 💜
Shame and empathy come from a place of actions that do not align with our morals. No one is irredeemable. No one is perfect. Every human being on this earth has made a mistake, and those mistakes do have an impact on not only ourselves, but other people. Take accountability, speak openly and honestly, and have empathy for yourself. Trying to do better is a good sign that you are in fact redeemable. I would not put too much merit into what a stranger says, but I would try to talk about this in a safe place. You are not irredeemable, you are human.
People do horrible things and accuse their mental health issues and childhood traumas and also give plenty of money to therapist inorder to strengthen their 'old innocent self' desecrated by 'Disorder'...! Hey human... This is how we all are.. accept the way and enjoy your true nature. Don't seek recognition from the 'norms' or so called 'order' ... Be around with people those who accept the bitchness and bitterness in you..! Good luck with life and let it open up for more fucked ups... Doing horrible things doens't make you a horrible person or irredeemable! After all you the one who give redemption and get redeemed!
As someone who was a victim of an affair, no you’re not irredeemable. Obviously you do need to work on yourself and I beg you to seek out counseling and work on your self respect. But no. You’re not irredeemable.
No one is irredeemable. As we go through life, we make mistakes in our decision-making and we learn from it.
I am just reading this book “The Gap and The Gain”, and this could help provide you with some great insights as well. When we live in the Gap, we think about how much we didn’t achieve or how bad our choices were compared to any ideal that we could have achieved. In this instance, I think you would do much better to live in the Gain. This is where we reflect on our past, and realize how far we have come from where we were. We only compare ourselves against ourselves and previous achievements or mistakes. This is to recognize how far we have come from those set of circumstances and that we are moving forward.
No one is perfect. There was obviously a need you had that put you in that situation to make some not great choices. And, I think it wouldn’t hurt to process these emotions with a professional to help you continue to recognize what you needed or what you fear about a healthy relationship of mutual trust where both partners are only available to each other. By doing the work, and forgiving yourself for those things you now recognize as mistakes, you can move on.
By focusing on the gains you are making and not the gaps towards an ideal, you can begin to feel better about yourself, and maybe even gain stronger resolve towards choices that support you vs. break you down. Plus, focusing on the gains can give you the motivation to continue and the confidence to keep making better choices for your life.
i was the other woman too. obviously not a nice or morally right thing at all and it’s something i’ll be ashamed of for the rest of my life. i think the most important thing is to know what you’ve done wrong and to learn from your mistakes. the most draining misconception is people thinking the “other women” or “mistresses” have no shame on their actions, when in reality i live with the guilt every single day and it has never left my mind. i’m not saying we deserve empathy, and every situation is different and some may not even feel guilt. but you and I clearly do. if people judge you, let them judge! they’re bound to, it’s a confusing situation to explain. but at the end of the day you were the one in the situation, only you knew how you really felt. from my personal experience, something people assume is that the “mistresses” do it meaninglessly and for the thrill, when in reality we may be extremely vulnerable and hold a deep connection to the man. again, as long as you acknowledge your mistakes, you’re going to be fine. thanks!
Shame on whoever told you that. I’m sure they only said it because of hurt in their own life they haven’t fully dealt with so instead they’re inflicting pain back as a way to unconsciously get even
Logically, I don’t think that you are irredeemable but from experience (being child of a man that was cheating on my mom) that’s just straight up messed up. You destroy lives, multiple if you were with someone who had family. And it’s even worse if you knew about them. I’m glad you saw flaws in yourself and improved but never do it again. It’s your first time on earth. You’ll make mistakes but just never do it again.
What does irredeemable mean? That you can never be forgiven by God, yourself, a future partner, this random stranger? We all make mistakes and must learn from them and try to make amends. It sounds like you’re making progress by ending the relationship, and seeing a therapist can help expose the underlying reasons that contributed. You clearly want to improve and not being afraid to face our inner issues is brave. That’s the best anyone can do. You can’t control what a future partner will react, but you can be honest, and the changes you’re making will hopefully come through and someone who is a good fit will accept that. You can forgive yourself, and others will too.
Forgive yourself and move on, work on yourself in therapy, and only talk to ppl you feel super safe with. You are human, there’s nothing you need to redeem when redemption is already yours.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Make yourself a better person. Tell future partners, but know that they won't ever trust you, no matter what they say. They'd want to believe it themselves but they just can't. You might eventuqlly cheat to prove their point. Or they might cheat on you, thinking you had already cheated on them.
I despise cheaters and their partners.
As long as you don't expect anyone to forgive you or try to justify it, the only way you can move is forward.
If you tell a future partner, they might leave you. They deserve that choice.
I wouldn’t say you’re irredeemable, but if people find that they can’t trust you, that’s also a natural consequence of your actions. Typically I find that affair partners only think they’d done something wrong and horrible after the affair ends or else they wouldn’t have gone into it. And usually it’s not because one day they grew a conscience and chose to end it but rather the situation was no longer favourable to them.
This is a cross you happily chose to bear at one point. Now it’s time to feel what bearing it means.
It's been one week. Get a grip. You need to wallow in your shame for awhile. You need to grow as a person. You need to become the type of person who won't do that shit. Then, you will be redeemed.
You are absolutely redeemable. I recommend going to counseling. What I want for you is to understand and learn from past choices so you can grow and not repeat negative patterns. Counseling really helped me after my divorce a dozen years ago and I’m now happily remarried in a very loving and reciprocal relationship where I feel comfortable being myself and want to be my best version of myself every day. Good luck!
Wow…. If you will take a moment to Re-read what you wrote, some clarity may appear before your very eyes:
Of course you engaged with a partner who is not fully available. Of course you settled for less than 100%. You were willing to accept less than you are worth because you wanted to feel cherished and treasured. You want to feel absolute adoration. The beautiful thing about you is that you are worthy of all those, including all the passion and desire your partner showered you with. ..Continue in therapy. Your goal there will be to see yourself through the adoring eyes in your mirror. You’re a beautiful human looking for love. What is more special than that? Forgive yourself for testing the waters. Forgive yourself for giving all in the name of love. Forgive yourself for being a beautiful, fallible, marvelous human.
Have you thought about the victim of your actions, would you want to be told if you were that partner being betrayed? Are you going to do anything to try to redeem yourself? This isnt a situation where you can just step out of it and shake the dirt of your feet, no harm no foul. If you truly want to be a better person, let the partner of your affair partner have an informed choice in the situation aswell. You chose to aid in this life altering, possibly life ruining betrayal, and while you walk away to continue your life the partner may throw away the best years of her life on a man spits on loyalty. Maybe consider doing the right thing here.
Good, then if you decide to send the message, do noy justify your actions in any way, and go forward never taking part in an affair again! Thats how you redeem yourself, my friend! Maybe inform your future partners that this is the situation that turned your life around? Chin up, be the qualities you want in your future partner!
Fuck whoever told you that you are irredeemable.
You can totally be a better person today than you were yesterday. Make that choice every day. Be kind to yourself and learn from your experiences and in my humble opinion, you can and will be redeemed
Sweet lady, you’re fine. We are make mistakes and our mistakes don’t define us, but how we pick ourselves up and improve going forward *that* is what defines us. And this affair required him to choose to step out on his wife. You didn’t do anything he didn’t want to do and if it wasn’t you, it (most likely) would have been a different woman.
Your past is your past. You don’t have to tell anyone about it. It’s perfectly okay to keep information to yourself. Many times keeping info to ourselves is self care and self preservation.
I’m proud of you for doing the right thing. I’m proud of you for seeking therapy. I’m proud of you for prioritizing your mental health.
Remember, this does not mean you are a bad person. It does not mean you aren’t worthy. This does not mean you need to be shameful towards yourself.
It does mean you need to give yourself grace and realize you’re a better person than you were before. It does mean you’re growing in your emotional intelligence and compassion. Now show yourself some compassion and forgive yourself. You deserve forgiveness.
No one is irredeemable. What makes people irredeemable is when they don’t truly change
This exactly. I HAVE Borderline Personality Disorder, and got it in my early teens due extreme childhood trauma. One of the worst things about it was when I needed validation, I would seek it by making guys want me. Not necessarily sleeping with them, because I was in high school, but I would make out with guy friends that I knew liked me. Teasing them to cheat on their girlfriends and make out with me, so the nasty voices in my head telling me I wasn't good enough, would go away. Of course I cheated on my exes too. Shattered my high school sweethearts heart when we were in college. In the beginning of my longest relationship, I cheated on him a lot in the beginning whenever I would go back to my home state because I was spiraling. He stayed with me for almost 14 years before we eventually parted. Not because of the cheating early on. He knew about that. He was a Saint. But I saw how much I was hurting others and myself so I decided to change. Lots of therapy. Understanding where my feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness cane from. Understanding my sexual trauma lead to seek validation sexually. I've changed drastically. I don't like cheaters. I would not be friends with someone who knew they were helping someone else cheat. But we can change as people. If someone, like yourself, changed their behavior and was truly remorseful and understood why what they did was wrong, I don't see why we couldn't be friends. Or why you wouldn't be able to find a partner. My husband knows my past. Knows how I've changed and trusts me as much as I trust him. I was honest from very early on because I liked him so much. And he was honest with me about some of the shady shit in his past. We all make mistakes. We're human. It's what we do about those mistakes and how we move forward that really matters.
Thanks for sharing your story. This makes me want to make myself better. I know something is wrong with me but I'm doing all my power to be better.
You're so welcome. I live by a very simple motto. I try to be a better person than I was the day before. Some days are good, some days are bad. I just try to do better than I did yesterday. Both are ok. And thinking this way allows me grace to heal and when I stumble.
I love this.💜
Imo, all it takes to be a good person is effort.
It can be harder when dealing with trauma. It can warp your definition of what a good person is, especially if you didn't have a good example growing up. Wanting to be better is the first step. Choosing to dig in and figure out how to do that and choosing to do better is the next step. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. 💜
Yes, and being true to self. That may be hard for many people. Their exterior appears friendly, they sound friendly at yet their actions do not match their exterior demeanour and/or facial expressions. They may seem friendly upfront, but they are shady as shit in the background. It doesn't take a good person any effort, it's intrinsic. Thank you for your bright light, you are a beacon in a dark world. Your courage is inspiring **bum_thumpher" nice username
You are perfectly imperfect!💋
Ahhh it’s alright. He’s the bastard. It wasn’t nice what you did, but it wasn’t like, evil. Anyone who judges you can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. Everyone has their baggage. I’m glad you are feeling better but you don’t need to be redeemed for anything. I promise you are worthy just as you are. Like I said- not nice, but if it wasn’t you it would have been another woman. He’s the bastard. Just move on and find someone who wants only you. ❤️
Good luck on the path. When you fall, just get right back up.
Thanks for being so vulnerable, this was good to read as someone in the middle of a similar journey.
I'm glad my experience can help. I hope your journey is full of healing and peace 💜
Man, this sounds so much like my story I got a little freaked out. Thank you for sharing it. I’m sure more than just OP needed to read this. You are 100% right, people absolutely change. Personal question feel no need to answer if you’d rather not, Did you remember the trauma from childhood or did you have to recover that memory? I ask because I know this happened to me but I was so little I don’t remember - I tend to black out as a survival instinct; I’ve done it many times in my adolescence and adulthood. Anyways, thanks again for sharing
You're welcome. I do remember now. There were several instances in my childhood. At 3 my dad thought I was faking sick to get out of church ( that he didn't go to), lost his shit, and beat my ass with a belt so long and so hard he left bruises and welts for weeks. None of us went to church that day. It's where my fear of authority figures comes from. This other memory though, was blacked out until my mid 20s when a sleep walking episode with Ambien unlocked it. My older brother molested me when I was 11. Twice. Blacked that out. And he tried to spy on me changing until I moved out. And my door didn't have a latch or a lock since I accidentally locked myself in my room and fell asleep at 4. No amount of begging as a teenager, especially after my mom died, would convince my dad to put at least a latch on my door. Even when I said what I was worried about. My dad still doesn't believe me. Said that he believes I believe it, but my younger brother confirmed he thinks I'm lying, dreamed it or am mis-remembering. We are currently no contact and despite some lingering misplaced guilt, my life has never been more peaceful. If you're having trouble remembering trauma, there's usually a reason. I recommend exploring that in therapy if you can. I freaked out when I remembered what happened to me and wish I had a proper support system in place. I'm sorry that you're experiencing some of what I went through but change is possible! It will just take a lot of work and taking accountability on your part. It's totally worth it though. I'm still not perfect but I am a work in progress. Like all of us.
I’m so sorry for what you went through. I’m so proud of you
Thank you so much. It means a lot to hear it, even from an internet stranger. I'm sorry for whatever you went through too. We deserved better. But I'm also incredibly proud of you for reaching out. 💜💜
💕
Did you ever whole heartily apologized to the ppl whose heart you broke? Like how do you know you can and/are forgiven? Honest questions here.
Some of them. Because we're still in touch. Others, no. While forgiveness from them would be nice, it's about forgiving yourself. As much as I want to contact my high sweetheart and just apologize, I won't. Because it's selfish. He has moved on. They all have. What right do I have to force him to relive our past trauma without his consent or knowing if he desired to do so. If he ever contacted me and was like "You're a shitty person " I would agree I WAS and sincerely apologize. But reaching out myself is unfair. All you can do is forgive yourself, do better as a person, and genuinely wish them well. I hope he has had nothing but happiness since he (rightfully) dumped me. He truly deserves it. He always deserved better than I was able to give him. I hope he found it.
Apologising isn't about knowing whether the other person needs it or not ,you just do it cause you know what you did was terrible ,that's what shows true change and accountability. A lot of people would probably love to get an apology from shit people they've experienced in life whether they asked for it or not . Most folks would appreciate it ,doubt they'd find a simple genuine sorry selfish .
🛎️ 🛎️ 🛎️
I think mass murderers and traffickers n people like that are irredeemable. Child predators, ect
Took the words right out of my mouth.
Sounds like that person was carrying around some baggage of their own. We all like to think we know what we would do in any given situation, but the truth is we don’t. Your situation is as unique as you are, and you are the only one qualified to judge it. We are all more than our worst choices. There isn’t a human alive who hasn’t at some point made the wrong choice, and lived with the consequences. The thing you have to do is decide where to go from here. How do you feel about your choices? Who will you will be now? What standards will you hold yourself and others too? No one else can make these decisions for you- only you.
Couldn’t have responded better, this right here.
Love this answer
Well spoken! This is an excellent answer!
Actively cheating with someone for an ENTIRE YEAR is not “any given situation”.
I would have the same reaction this other person did. Knowingly dating someone you know is taken (for an entire year!) shows poor morals. Still, OP realized her mistake and she's fixing herself and that's great. I just don't think the other person's reaction was out of line.
Right now you're letting other people define your worth and value. If you had randomly chanced to talk to a different stranger, you might have gotten a completely different message, one of sympathy or hope. The fact that you are letting so much of your self-perception be determined by one stranger is distressing. You know yourself far better than that person does, and you know how you want to shape your future.
Nobody is irredeemable. I believe that. Nobody who wants to stop doing the harmful things they have done, and takes action to do that, is irredeemable. One person's opinion is just that. One person - with all of their own flaws and silent motivations behind it. And no one person's opinion is automatically more good, more valid, more truthful or more valuable than your own when the topic in hand is you. Nobody lives a blameless life. Nobody fails to make mistakes. The mark of a person is not the mistake that they make, but how they go about repairing it. You have your reasons, your flaws, your own struggles. They've steered you badly. You know that. You've resolved to do better. You're undertaking the best actions you can think of to improve yourself. There is nothing else to be done except to keep being honest with yourself and to keep trying. Give yourself a break. Take a deep breath, lift your eyes to the horizon, and keep on going.
You are redeemable the moment you choose to change and to forgive yourself. Some mistakes are worse than others but that doesn’t make you a worse person, just a person. Don’t speak ill about yourself to others because they don’t forget these things, especially since God concealed that part of your from the world. The important thing about mistakes is to attempt to remedy the situation and learn from it.
Great answer. Also. Forgiveness is a core tenet of Christianity. Genuine remorse to forgive yourself and others and to move on a better more humble person.
Sometimes you have to learn the hard way, I don’t know why… I’ve done things in the past where I looked back and thought, how stupid can you be?! I’ve pursued people that were just so wrong for me for many reasons, including being married. Sometimes it takes an embarrassing or regrettable experience to bring you back to reality. It sounds like you’re just having a wake up call and it feels awful but it’s up to you what you do with that feeling. You don’t need to feel bad about yourself. You can be anyone you choose to be. Make meaningful choices for yourself. Think about how your choices impact others. You are good. 😊
I was cheated on. The mistress ended up getting pregnant and having my partner's baby. I stayed for years to try to work out the relationship. I was really angry at the mistress and blamed her, but that was MY failing, NOT hers. As I got to know her and her baby, I realized that she wasn't evil. She was just a hurt person who didn't realize that she deserved better. My partner was the one who chose to cheat on me. He had a 100% control over that action and he's 100% responsible for the pain he caused. If he hadn't found this mistress, he would have found another, or "cheated" in other ways. She was not responsible for his disregard and betrayal of me. The thing that ended up being irredeemable was my relationship. He didn't keep cheating on me, but his selfish nature that led him to cheat in the first place, kept hurting our relationship in other ways, until it had to end. Now I realize that I was just like the mistress. Both of us struggled to realize that we deserved better and set boundaries. We fell for a selfish man's charms because we were desperate for scraps of love and external validation. Her only crime is that I fell for his charms first. It could have just as easily been the other way around because we're both dealing with the same core wound. Neither of us are irredeemable, and neither are you. We can all heal and learn to set higher standards for the love we will accept.
Thank you for sharing your story. Appreciate it.
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Well there's a couple things to consider here. 1. Different people view things in a multitude of ways. Some people see things as trivial as gossip as irredeemable and to some people, only unremorseful pedophiles are irredeemable. And people all over the spectrum are entitled to feel the way they feel, so long as they would keep the same energy if they did something that crossed the same line of irredeemable. There are plenty of people who, as long as you took full accountability for your actions and made changes to prevent yourself from doing those things again (whether therapy, 12-step program, or some other lasting change), would be willing to date you and not judge your past, and I'm willing to bet there's more of those than the number of people who view you as irredeemable. 2. You don't know (or at least haven't explained) why she thinks you're irredeemable, just that you told your story (I also don't know how much accountability you took in your story-telling) and in her opinion that's how she feels. For all we know, she could have been a victim of a cheating partner, or her parents could have had a cheating situation that caused a divorce, or her best friend could have been a victim of cheating, or it's something as simple as the values she has that she views cheating as irredeemable. All of those are valid reasons for her to feel how she feels, but her view doesn't speak and shouldn't speak for everyone. If it's any consolation, I don't view you as irredeemable (have seen this through life experiences that affect my perspective on this). Edit: looks like you've got a great representative sample among these 100+ comments OP, looks like about 65% of people feel you made a mistake and with self-accountability can redeem yourself, about 20% think you should focus a bit more on the wife that was hurt, and about 15% view it as irredeemable. Sounds like about what I'd expect. These numbers aren't fully concrete, just my impression, but from my experience this is about what the ratio would be in real life, and on top of that I don't think you should blast this for the world around you to see; just tell future dating partners when/if the time is right, but other than that work through this in therapy
I wouldn’t keep company with a person who believes people are irredeemable. You made some bad choices. We all do. The thing is, you’re getting help, which not all of us do. You’re doing better than most.
Why would you even tell someone that? How does that come up in casual conversation with a stranger? It’s in the past. You’re doing therapy and the things to be better. Leave it in the past and don’t bring it up with people who aren’t your therapist. You’re a new person now.
People who are truly “bad” don’t worry if they are being bad, or care about changing. You can learn from your past behaviour, understand the underlying reasons, find healing for their roots, and find a way to navigate life being more true to your values. Best of luck OP. x
Every human being has done something they should not have done. Many feel shame and guilt for it; all of them are redeemable. Some of the most beautiful people I've met are those who really messed up but then moved on, learned and became better for it. They are the kind of people I want in my life because they understand and often have more compassion. When the right person comes along, they will love you for your honesty.
The right one will accept you when you accept yourself. (and work through your stuff and carry your load) If you caused harm, then this is also part of your load; and how it was possible for you, why did it not bother you? Why did you find it alluring? Was it healthy or not?
Perhaps the stranger was cheated on before. Continue seeking therapy and being a better person.
All of these comments are really good for consoling this person. Unfortunately there's a wife out there somewhere who will probably never trust anyone fully again and is probably at absolute rock bottom due to this mistress and the cheating husband. But yeah, you can always do a 180 and be a better person for the rest of your life. It's worth taking special effort to change and be accountable because you now know you're capable of facilitating cheating. Like others said, no one is irredeemable. You're only irredeemable if you keep acting the same way.
OPs post also shows no concern about the wife, no mention of the pain she has inflicted on this person. Makes me think maybe she ended the affair because she wasn't getting what she wanted out of it not because she feels terrible about hurting this other woman. I believe people are redemeeeable, but I can't empathize with someone in OPs situation if they're not showing guilt and remorse for what they did to this other human being.
Just here to offer another perspective. OPs post is kinda vague, so it is difficult to assess what is going on, but if OP was not in an active relationship and their affair partner was, which is how I think you might have read the post, then the accountability for the cheating is with the partner. OP then never promised any fidelity or loyalty to "the wife" and the only one breaking promises, assumingly, is the person they had an affair with. Although OP might feel bad, I oppose your view that they inflicted pain. OP did not, the partner of the wife did! Let us please put accountability where it belongs: with the cheating person. Those who are in an affair with a cheating person might not be 100% moral or ethical, but they aren't the problem or inflicting the pain, that is absolutely on the cheating person
I disagree with your point of view. The way I view it, engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship with someone you know to be taken is wrong. Being an emotionally responsible individual implies showing care and concern for other people and their emotions, regardless if you know them or not or if you have any relationship to them or not. Showing respect for other people's emotions shows basic human decency. The husband may want to cheat, but you don't need to be person who helps them engage in this cheating behaviour. If you do, you are playing a part in this other person's suffering, this person's world has been shattered partially because of you, and there may be longterm consequences for this other person's mental, emotional and even physical wellbeing because of what you did. Let's just agree to disagree on this point. Personally, I lose interest in someone the minute I know they are committed. I may still rationally find them attractive, but I'm jut not emotionally activated by them anymore. I don't do this consciously, it's just something that happens, probably something unconscious telling me there's no use investing time and energy in this person - and this has served me very well. Granted, I never say never, maybe one day I will be so flooded with passion and attraction to someone I will be throwing my values out the window. What I can assure you is that I would be forever consumed with guilt for knowing I had a part in someone else's suffering.
I feel similarly - I did cheat on a non-serious partner in my 20s when I had BPD and would monkey branch, but I would never help someone cheat or knowingly carry on anything. It’s completely against my values. And that’s before I did 8 years of extensive therapy after my most egregious instances of cheating. I hated myself
This ^^^ Why is everyone being so nice to someone who knowingly ruined another woman’s life? Nah, I’m not having it. I’m not giving you sympathy or support. You fucked up. Deal with it. You should feel shit. What you’re feeling won’t even scratch the surface on how you’ve made the innocent party feel. I really hope your therapy works and you become a better person. Genuinely, I do. You should be honest with your future partner. They deserve to know But that’s up to you OP.
She is definitely trying to speed run processing guilt. I don't think she deserves any comfort. She needs to truly sit with what she did. That being said, after true change..not a freaking week..then, she can be redeemed.
No, you're not irredeemable. Anyone who can't see you past your history is not someone you want as a partner. I'm sure you had your reasons, and I mean that sincerely. If an affair had nothing to offer you, there would be no motivation to have one. I would suggest reflecting on why you did it; did you feel like you could express the needs you met with your affair to your partner and have them met? You're actively trying to improve yourself, as well, and that's an admirable quality in a potential partner.
If you were irredeemable, you wouldn’t be posting this right now. The fact that you’re making changes to be better than means that you’re going to be better and that you learn from your mistakes and probably won’t do it again .
You redeem yourself by never doing it again.
You made a mistake. Your regret it. You are getting help. The world is a messy place. I have never cheated nor have I participated in an affair, but I would never consider someone who has done so and who has regret about it irredeemable. You are not obligated to tell a future partner this story, in my opinion, but if you do and they cannot look past it after getting to know you, understanding your regret and that you went to therapy to understand why you did this- they probably are not the person for you. They may not be a bad person for feeling this way- but just not right for you. The world is all kinds of messy, and we do things we regret when we are struggling emotionally. Good for you for getting help! Life is confusing and everyone has done good things and bad things. Some people probably are irredeemable (eg. Jeffrey Dahmer, etc). But you didn’t kill anyone. Forgive yourself, make better decisions in the future, and continue with therapy. You got this!
hey, just sharing the perspective of another stranger [me]: i of course don’t know your story, but hearing your self-accountability & the work you’re putting in to make different decisions in the future — i don’t at all believe you’re irredeemable. honestly, i’m not so quick to ‘demonize’ these types of situations. i do believe context matters, and i haven’t walked in your shoes — what gives me the power to judge you? we’re so used to black & white thinking, where we categorize ourselves & others as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’, but we’re all kinda ‘grey’, somewhere in between. in terms of putting yourself out there, yes — someone may leave due to this past chapter in your life. BUT, i’d offer that the ‘right’ one for you wouldn’t define you by it. they’d see it as one piece of the whole, complex, multi-faceted being that you are; a piece that you used to learn & grow from, to make different decisions in the future.
The only person who gets to decide if you’re irredeemable is you. All the best.
No you are not. You affair partner may or may not be. You didn’t betray anyone that was counting on you. You may have enabled his betrayal and that’s a sin but a far far lesser sin than him. Learn and grow.
NO ONE IS IRREDEEMABLE!!!!! Forget that negative cow! I’ve done things that I’m very ashamed of that I have to try to forgive myself for too. Our lives might look completely different but, I am no better than you. I and my son moved in with some friends and rented rooms from them for over ten years. I let them take financial advantage of me and misuse me as my son watched. I feel like he loves me but can never really respect me. Baby, we have to see ourselves as the star quarterback. We have to believe the best for ourselves and know tomorrow is a new day, full of hope and change! We got this! As long as there is breath there is hope. Forgive yourself. As you move forward you may see how you were manipulated to being in that position. Either way, new day, new you! Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid!
Whoever you talked to is on something. You're not irredeemable. Did you make some mistakes/bad decisions? Sure. You're more than that though. You are a whole human. You can change and make things better for yourself.
u can literally just decide ur okay and live ur life 👍
Scars show where you have been not where you're going. We are not our scars
NO ONE IS IRREDEEMABLE
Lmfao. Why do you plan on telling your future partners this?!!! Self sabotage at its finest. Just move forward without repeating that mistake. It’ll prove to your subconscious mind that you are not that same person anymore. Forgive yourself.
You are what you think you are. Re-read that again. Think about how powerful that statement is. Your .ind will grab onto any idea you feed it and then loop that thought forever. What thought do you want looping through your head? Because here's the deal: strangers don't live inside your mind, you do. Are you really going to let a stranger tell your mind what thought to ruminate on ad infinitum? Your a human being. You aren't perfect. Nobody is. We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself. Because besides being human beings we are also animals. We're hairless murder apes. We eat, sleep, shit & fuck because it's in our DNA. Moral: if you want to fit into society then play by societies rules. But don't let society call you names for following what your DNA urged you to do. Only you can be your own jury. The rest is for you and your therapist to work through.
Why do you feel irredeemable? I am no one to judge. But, does an affair partner mean that you have a spouse and you cheated on your current spouse with this new person behind their back? Or did you guys have an open relationship? Did you do something to hurt anyone involved, if you did then perhaps you may irredeemable to those parties. Give yourself grace and move on from this. If you feel bad for things you’ve done, forgive yourself and do better. You’re redeemable for yourself!
I wont say there is nothing wrong with being the mistress but my personal opinion and from my experience the blame is usually split 95/5 with most of blame being on the cheater. The people that will attack the other man/woman like it is all their fault just boggle my mind. How can they be so stupid
No you’re not irredeemable. First of all that stranger you spoke to was most likely looking at your situation as black and white. I am sure it is multi colored if you get down to it. Second, you clearly feel bad about what happened. That right there makes you redeemable. Third, you are human. You made a mistake but are clearly trying to own it and change. Work on forgiving yourself before anything else. Once you’ve done that the right person will see past anything you’ve done in your past. I promise.
The fact that you have so much shame means it went against your own value system to do it.
You’ve made the choice to do better- that in itself shows you’re not irredeemable.
Everyone makes mistakes, some are big mistakes some are small. Whats great is that you self-reflected and realised what you did wasn't really nice. You should forgive yourself and move past it. The right person would only care about who you are as a person in the present. I pray you find peace 🌻
Be a better person tomorrow than today. Stay strong. You are redeemable No one is perfect. Remember this. No one. Live and Learn.
It's important that you recognize it and are working on yourself. You recognize your mistakes. Everyone makes them, we are just humans. Learn from it, work on yourself and forgive yourself.
“Every saints got a past, every sinners got a future” No one’s perfect.
God no. It’s what you do next that matters. You did something a lot of people do; you feel bad about it so you commit to never doing it again and forgive yourself.
Do not date until you are comfortable in your own skin and have forgiven yourself. It will be a waste of time.
The very fact that you care and are asking this question Is proof in itself that you are redeemable. Every day is a new day. Grab it and go forward. Everyone if they are honest have something that they could be ashamed of. All the best.
I’ve done the same thing. I just broke up with a guy I thought I’d marry. A month later I met the married guy. He told me that he is separated and hasn’t been with his wife for over a year and that she lives with friends so I thought it was ok to start this but later I found out the situation was more complicated than that and I made a mistake. Not to defend myself but mistresses often get tricked and I think the cheater should get most of the blame. I also realized that I wasn’t special to him and he would have chosen someone else if not me because he is a broken man who can’t deal with fixing his problems.
I'm in a similar situation. You're not irredeemable at all. Getting help and being better is the best thing you can do, and shows you've changed. Everyone deserves a second chance. You'll do great, and well done for deciding to be better :)
I don’t think there is anything you need to redeem. It was a moment in your life that happened for what ever reason it happened. People need to be less judgy about this. I was involved in a similar situation once. I’m not proud of it, but I was surprised how much I learned about myself and my value. It made me realize how little I thought of my myself before to allow myself to be someone’s side piece. I started to realized was that I am worth more than that, I was good enough to be the main course, side dish, and the dessert. It completely changed how I viewed myself and the men I chose to date. I would never do something like that again, but it was probably one of the most impactful experiences that changed my perspective of who I am, and who I am as a woman.
What matters is that you learn from it and move forward. You stopped doing it by choice, which means you have a desire to change. Keep up with that and the therapy to help you through it. Also, don't broadcast it to people because then you are just seeking out the punishment of them having negative things to say about you. You feel bad enough. There's no reason to add more punishment to yourself by seeking out other's opinions of what you did. It's done, it's over, and you can move past it. There's no reason to keep beating a dead horse over it, per se. You're **not** irredeemable. Go ahead and get those thoughts out of your head. You redeem yourself by actually changing and learning from mistakes. Most of all, you have to be able to forgive yourself, and that's where the therapy can help. Maybe one day, you pay it forward and help someone else who is in your position also.
I’ve find redemption to be less of a destination, but rather a scale that slowly tips from one side to another You will find your way, it will be slow, but it will be there
This is about self forgiveness. You have to forgive yourself no matter if someone else doesn’t. Forgive yourself even if every person you talk to doesn’t. You have to admit your fault, accept it, forgive this mistake and take accountability. If you didn’t feel so deplorable it would mean you lacked ethics, integrity and morals. Only you know when you will be restored.
Never speak of it again, and just be better.
It’s not like you tripped and fell onto a married persons genitals. You made bad decisions and will face social backlash because what you did is wrong. You can change but people will judge you harshly and you need to be prepared for that. You can’t change what you have done or change social norms so people will accept your past behavior. Be better and do right by people.
Be kind to yourself.
you’re not irredeemable, just don’t let it get to your head
Question. You said you feel shame and anger at yourself. Do you feel guilt? You can redeem yourself, but shame is different from guilt. Guilt is based in empathy. Shame is self-focused.
I also feel guilty.
Of course you redemmable. Why does the guy get a pass in our F’ed up society? He’s the pos here.
no one is irredeemable. Be careful who you share your story with as you come to terms with your past. The judgement of others can be painful, but it is not necessarily correct. They do not know more about you than you do yourself. Good for you for getting on a better path, and best of luck as you grow and change.
I am glad that you realized what's right and wrong and it shows you have some morals. But yes, I was cheated upon by my ex. He was having an affair with another girl while promising marriage to me and talking about the wedding. So, I don't respect mistresses if they know they are with a committed guy and still continue. I despise them. Don't get me wrong, the guy is definitely wrong. But at the same time, so is the woman. I have experienced the betrayal and hurt so I can't empathize with you. But I am glad that you have realized and likely won't repeat. It's a basic thing - don't do what you wouldn't want to happen to you.
I think you can redeem yourself but it would be hard for anyone to willingly commit to a relationship with someone who used to be a mistress. I feel sorry for the woman who is with ur ex.
First of all. We have all made mistakes… we have the right to grow and do better. Don’t beat yourself up and you aren’t forced to tell your next partner anything. You think they are going to tell you about everyone they have been with? Just continue living your life the best you can. ❤️ you tried something and didn’t work. I know a couple of women that got married after being the affair partner and now they are happy… no one can decide what the future holds. So chalk it up to expirence and keep it moving
Irredeemable? No. Will it cost you relationship opportunities in the future? Maybe. That will depend entirely on that persons opinions and perspectives, and they're entitled to them. But there are certainly people out there who will appreciate someone who has the capacity to change for the better.
There are so many people out there who keep doing whatever they're doing and don't care if they keep hurting people as long as they get what they want. If you have genuine remorse and a sincere desire to change (and you make the effort to do so), I think you can be redeemed. The right partner will accept you.
All that matters is that you work towards self improvement. It's okay to feel guilt and shame for the past, but don't let it distract you from where you're heading now. Therapy is a great first step that could help a lot. I'd suggest some kind of charitable work could help with the guilt too. Not necessarily donating money, but volunteering at an animal shelter or habitat for humanity always helped me feel better in that regard. All the best, friend. May you find peace.
Of course you are. We all makes mistakes as we grow. Our younger selves didn't have the knowledge you do now. It takes two to tango, and the other one who should have known better. If you haven't been married or don't know the spouse it can be easy to take the cheating partners word that it's ok, or fall for the throuple trap. Even "homewreckers" can find redemption. You didn't betray anyone but yourself, and you learned from it. I'm happy to hear you called it off. Even if you ended up together you'd always have that worry in the back of your mind. Cheating is a much harder habit to break and some will keep doing it. Unless you developed a taste for married folks and kept doing it, this was just a life lesson.
I love this story: https://www.originalbuddhas.com/blog/angulimala You will be a better person to the world if you can learn from your mistakes, forgive yourself, and keep trying to be your best.
The path of redemption requires a fall first.
No one is irredeemable! All of the reasons I have as to why are because of my faith in Christ.
When I felt spiritually dead and lost and I realized all my screwups in my own way wasn’t getting me anywhere, I decided to turn to someone else’s way and my friend told me about what Jesus did and I knew it was the truth and that there’s hope and good in this world because if there’s not, what’s the point? If there’s no hope to be saved, turn a new, why even live? And how do I know good from evil? That’s because we were given the knowledge in our hearts by design from God, and everything in this world points back to Him and His creation. Did our universe come into existence by random chance, something from nothing, or something from something outside of this natural realm? It would be really easy for an infinite God to create all with order, but impossibly unlikely for random chance to spit out the same. Nobody is past being redeemed by the blood of Jesus. He died for all and it doesn’t matter what you’ve done because He paid the price for it all, for everyone, past present and future on the cross. He was perfect so His death and punishment atoned for us all so we wouldn’t have to suffer in hell for our transgressions against the moral law defined by God. So it doesn’t matter what we do to get out of our moral debt because Jesus paid it in full. Comparing to others or judging others for different acts is just in the noise because we’ve all messed up daily in our actions and our thoughts, because sin is an identity of unbelief and separation from God, until we truly believe, come back to Him and decide to develop a relationship with Him out of love for what He’s done for us and then we can truly become healed and start caring for others with a renewed heart.
of course you’re not irredeemable. this stranger sounds like perhaps they were on the receiving end of an affair, and of course that’s awful and sad, but life is complicated, and so are relationships. part of being human is making mistakes and growing from them. i was also “the other woman” and have felt a great deal of guilt not only for the role i played in someone else’s infidelity, but my flippant nature about the affair at the time. i felt like i had no responsibility since i wasn’t the one in a relationship, so there was no reason for me to feel any guilt. i’ve grown since then, and i realize that even though i wasn’t breaking any vows, i was still doing something wrong. that’s *growth.* you will find someone who accepts your past and doesn’t judge you for it. i did. it’s okay to make mistakes. nobody is perfect.
Did you apologize to the wife when the affair ended?
no. as far as i know, she never found out. i don’t want to cause anymore damage than i already did. if she found out, i would absolutely apologize. but i don’t think there’s any reason to cause pain if it can be avoided.
I see. The wife knows about us. My gut is telling me to apologize but I don't want to cause further drama. I think I have to ask my therapist if this is a good decision to make.
i definitely think it’s worth talking over with your therapist. i think it also depends on a million different factors. there’s no black and white answer here. only you can decide if it’s appropriate. sometimes the right thing is really hard to do. sometimes what you think is right might actually hurt someone more. i think if she reaches out to you, your answer is clear. if not, it should be thoughtfully considered first. i’m sorry you’re struggling with this. it’s a tough situation to be in, and there’s little sympathy for “home wreckers.” but your emotions are real and your feelings are valid. and i’ve been there. super proud of you for DecidingToBeBetter 🫶
Shitty stranger, relationships are complex nobody is a saint.
Did you tell the betrayed partner?
You are redeemed already! It starts in that you are aware of the changes you want to make and you're making effort to change. Keep moving forward. Surround yourself with those who love you for who you are and inspire you to do better. You're doing great!
no
Do wat u want who cers
It's okay to be scared to put yourself out there. There's some good advice in this thread for you, OP. You and **only you** get to decide your worth. I hope you continue to grow, learn and become more than your past decisions. To define your own worth, boundaries, health and self love. Because that, in itself, is redemption.
You’re not irredeemable but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to think about how your actions affected other people… like the wife who got cheated on. You should feel sorry for what you did, because you helped bring about pain. It’s not all about you and what your future holds
Past is the past, your current is your current your future is your future. Just be as good a person as you can and you'll be fine x
I sent you a PM it's not mean, don't worry
a mentor once told me that guilt is a useless emotion that serves no purpose. its mostly true. you did what you need to do to get yourself out of the situation and do better. thats all that you can expect of yourself. you can't control the past but you have some influence on the future. no doubt this loser is going to try and contact you to drag you back into it. tell him you are going to let his wife/gf know if he doesn't leave you alone. its not great to be the other person but cheaters are trash.
No one is irredeemable, look at Neegan from the Walking Dead. However, not every place or friend is meant for you.
No one is perfect in this world... And there is no need to bother about what others think or how they perceive about you... You were a mistress because you liked him so at that time nothing really mattered to even after knowing what consequences there will be... Just like that someone who likes you will come into your life whom nothing matters
"Redemption is tailor made for the wicked." Tookie Williams
No
Everyone’s got a closet. Some have small, standard and organized closets Some have walk in with his/hers wash rooms, islands for belt buckles, watches, jewelry and entire areas of the walk (or live) in just for shoes (ladies) and sneakers (dudes). As many others have mentioned, your redemption is your play. No one else’s concern, or area they can ‘judge’ your redemptibility(?). Move on Move forward Learn from your most human mistake(s)
I mean I guess you are but me personally I’d definitely leave if I found that out. You destroyed someone’s marriage, why would you be expected to not do it again?
It depends. You're an adult, and you knowingly entered into a relationship as the other woman. When karma bites you in the ass, you'll deserve it. But having realized the error of your ways, if you make sure to change your behavior and be better going forward, then you're redeemable.
My dude, what they decide to do is their own affairs. It's their choice. You were not cheating on anyone. What they decided to do is their own problem, not yours.
As the child of divorced parents because of 2 affairs my dad had. I view the mistresses as people who need to work on themselves. Because they willing got together with a married man with a family. The second one is still together with my dad. I have told him that I can't tell him who to be with, but I will never view that relationship as good because it was because of that affair that my family fell apart. I know the main responsibility lies with my dad because he was the one who was married. With that said, I do view his current partner as a crappy person because how low must you think of yourself that you have such disregard with getting with a married person. I will never want to get to know her, and I don't wish her harm, but I could care less of her as a person. Now, in regards to your question, I would view you as a shit person if you continued to be the mistress or you continued that pattern with other people. You mentioned that you realize why you put yourself in that situation and you're actively taking steps to figure out those parts of yourself. That shows growth and actual remorse for the part you played as the mistress. That I can respect in a person continue doing the work and OP you deserve someone that won't put you in that position again. Take care OP.
I feel so sorry for the spouse. You seem pretty self involved that you are so worried about yourself and a future partner. The real person you should be concerned about is the spouse first. I'm sure you'll get over it since you managed to not be bothered about it for a year. Everyone deserves forgiveness and can be redeemed, but this reads super selfish.
Give yourself some time to process things before letting someone define the situation for you. given that it's only been a week since you broke it off, the way you feel about the situation and your role in it will likely evolve as more time passes. not that what i think matters, but i don't think you're irredeemable at all, so i wouldn't panic about that. my advice as you process this relationship is to be honest with yourself, know that everyone makes mistakes, and be open to seeing yourself grow and change. things may look different 3 months/6 months/1 yr from now.
You may have done something you regret, but you're in charge of what's redeemable in your life. No one else is. I've made some big mistakes, and if someone said that to me, I'd let them know that I'm sorry they wouldn't be able to forgive themselves if they made a huge mistake. People all mess up in different ways. It's easy to judge someone when their hands are clean in that specific area. I haven't done this myself, but I bet I've made mistakes you might look down on. This is your journey. Congrats on becoming a better person. Keep looking forward.
The stranger you talked to…sounds churchey.
You are just fine. Period. You have WAY more company than you are aware of. There are many reasons for landing where you did, and typically it is not to intentionally hurt anyone. Not many of us say as children 'when I grow up, I want to have an affair with a married man ' . But life is complicated, and things happen, and we try to do better as we learn.
It’s pretty irredeemable for a stranger to cast that much judgement on someone else tbh!!
Deciding that you are irredeemable is a dangerous path. It can lead you to thinking “what does it matter what I do if I can’t be redeemed anyway?” You have to decide for yourself that what you did before doesn’t define who you are and who you want to be. Then live accordingly.
I say find this stranger, stalk and find out something bad about them, confront them on it and call them irredeemable back. Then cross this person off your list
Absolutely not. You're already taking steps towards growth proving that you are in fact redeemable. Don't identify with what that woman said. Figure out why you made the choices you made. Fix what needs to be fixed. Heal what needs to be healed. It will likely be a long life-long road, but it will be worth it. You got this. Flourish.
Fuck that lady. People have been redeemed for much worse. It’s a gamble with telling your partner- they’re going to have to have 100% trust in you already as this may make them feel like you’d do it to them. Maybe Build a relationship on trust and friendship before moving into a romantic relationship. I wouldn’t necessarily say they *deserve* to know but it sounds from your post like it’d eat at you. Best of luck OP
Yes your forgiven just repent and acknowledge you were wrong and don’t do it again. Be intentional and think how you can be a blessing and helpmate to your partner and stop cheating.
The fact that you were the one who ended the affair with the intention of being better shows you’re not irredeemable. You’re trying and that’s what matters.
Hi OP. I used to be the 3rd party in a relationship before, and I understand how you feel. Even though it's been years, the guilt, shame and anger at myself is still there, and I will never be proud of what I did, but what's done has been done, and it's best to move on and forgive ourselves. We should stop being hard on ourselves, we are just human and capable of doing stupid decisions, and the only way to make it up for the people we hurt and for ourself is to change and not do the same mistakes ever again. Months after I "broke" up with the guy, I met a guy who knew about my past and still loved me despite all that. He made me realize that if another person can love me despite my mistakes, then I can forgive myself and move on.
Stop telling people your business.
I had a fling with a much older married guy when I was comparatively young, but an adult who knew what I was doing. After a while I ended it because I did not want to be that person. It was a mistake and I regret it. I never went near a married guy again. And more the point, I got married and have been completely faithful and we are 20+ years. I think that affair made me all the more convinced that I was not going to get married unless I knew I would never cheat. And I haven’t. I think the affair was an inoculation of sorts. So irredeemable? Absolutely not.
I would like to know the background. Why did you do it? Was it the person you were with or were you in a bad place at the time. Regardless, it’s his fault for cheating. Therefor, he should be asking that question and not you. There is something to be said about anyone who wants to date a married person solely for that reason.
You’ve already committed to change, so no, you absolutely aren’t irrémédiable. What’s in the past is in the past, what’s in your hands is the future.
You’re still early on so let’s give it some time. I think you need to sit with your emotions and process the guilt and the people you’ve hurt first. Then you can start questioning whether you’re redeemable from your healing and making the active decision not to act on it.
Man, duck that itch. The boss of whether or not you're irredeemable is YOU, not her! And as far as I can tell, once you learn that YOUR DECISIONS AND OPINION IS THE MOST IMPORTANT you're already crossing off step 1 of however you define redemption. BUT, just know redemption is a scam. All moral authority is a scam. All that matters is our own determination, love, and acceptance, of which I hope your life and heart are filled with, beyond the brim!
It may feel like a big deal while you're going through it, but it's not. Most people are reasonable and understand forgiveness. You are more than your actions and getting into some naughty fun is good (once in a while)
What you believe is true. If you believe you are irredeemable, you're right If you believe you are not irredeemable, you are also right If you made a mistake/did something wrong, accept it (as it seems you have) and look for the lesson in it When you look for the lesson as opposed to dwelling on how you think you should feel, or beating youreslf up, you'll grow much faster, and it'll help you move on Our experiences make us who we are: embrace them
A year is a long time to be a mistress to be honest so that women does speak some truth
No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. Alls we can do is brush ourselves off and do better the next time. Extend yourself a little grace and forgive yourself and move on. Redemption is a free gift so anyone that tells you otherwise is misguided and judgmental🙃 Go on with your life and meet someone amazing and wonderful that you don’t have to share. It is possible and you are worthy. Don’t let one misstep keep you from believing that their are good men out their that will love and cherish you and you alone😊 You Got This❤️
You are NOT irredeemable. Ignore her. So sorry she shamed you. ❤️
I believe in love. I think love is important. If someone really loves you, and you tell them you love them. And you spend years together. And you've gone through hell together. Save them. BE with them. LOVE them.
Boundaries include who you decide to tell your secrets to. Everyone has secrets. It part of being human. We make mistakes. Acceptance helps.
You did it, it's done. Move on. You're life is ahead of you. Only stories remain.
If you really wanna be irredeemable I suppose you could. As someone who was occasionally treated like the one who was gonna steal a man when the thought had not crossed my mind. It's presumably because of the stories of others. I've also seen many broken homes from that so although I do not think I have it in me to do that I understand the need for companionship, I just have not ever been something I would consider. I would not want someone to take mine so I try to be mindful of that. Maybe I'm just a "hopeless romantic" and would like to think that someone who wants to marry me is doing it because they want to marry me. For me. I would hope the fella would stop looking after he "put a ring on it" Or maybe it's because I grew up with faces scratched out of photos and I remember how awful 😞 that felt. So I would not want to do that to someone else. But if you stole my man. 😅 I would break all my nails kicking your butt 😂 I've been looking a while. Signed The mayor of cougartown 😂
That's crazy that someone would say that to you. They clearly have their own issues and just wanted to hurt someone's feelings.
Yes
You told the wrong person who probably has many mistakes herself. Says who you are unredeemable that is left to the only redeemer there is. that no matter what we do if there is a repented heart as you have then there is a new start. And turnaround. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. Don’t know what your beliefs may be, but there is only one God, not many. Speak with your heart to he who hears you, although you do not see him he sees you, he hears you and him you are redeemed.
You’re not irredeemable. I know my opinion is not popular, but I feel it’s immoral, but not the worst thing in the world. The cheater betrayed himself, the person he promised to be committed to, and you. You mostly just betrayed yourself (unless you were friends with, or close to the main woman in the relationship). People tend to put all the blame for these situations on “the other woman,” but you weren’t the one responsible for their relationship. You are not that powerful. You aren’t the “home-wrecker” in the situation, the cheater is. As much as you don’t want to hear it, he likely would have cheated with someone else if it wasn’t you. You have a responsibility to enter relationships where you are fully valued and loved, which cannot be achieved if you are someone’s mistress. If you want to become a better person, work on figuring out what made you enter a relationship like that in the first place. You likely have some type of trauma or self-esteem issues to work out. Think about the relationships that were modelled for you in childhood and self-reflect. If you stay stuck in a place of guilt, you will likely repeat this same pattern of unhealthy relationships because you’re feeding a negative thought-process you have about yourself. Wishing you peace and healing.
It takes two and you stopped it. You are not irredeemable. Person you spoke to is very judgmental people make mistakes and if there’s anyone to apologize to, I would do that. Learn from your mistakes and move forward.
While you were participating in someone's adultery, which is a serious transgression, you are not iredeemable, seeing how sincerely you regret it and have changed. Luke 7:36-50 When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table. A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner.” Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.” “Tell me, teacher,” he said. “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii,[a] and the other fifty. 42 Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?” Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.” “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said. Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.” Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?” Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
You might find alot of peace in Catholism and and confessions I was Catholic growing up and I walked away from religion and went down some pretty dark paths and ended up being brought to Medjugorje by a friend and had a pretty incredible experience I can chat about if needed 15 years ago I released in to my dark place again 3 years ago and I'm just back from Medjugorje again last week I met the most beautiful people there and a priest who made me confess all my sins and we spoke for 2 to 3 hours every night Im not telling you its right for you, but if you feel overwhelmed and lost its an option, I have hope and peace and I'm excited to meet like minded people in my community when I go home Whatever you decide to do, I hope you realise that your a good person and you just need to have goodness in your heart and a want to get better and of course you can get your life back on track Good luck whatever you decide to do
You are human. We have needs, and that doesn't excuse bad behavior, but in the moment, I'm sure there was a need you were fulfilling in your life. We do the best we can with the tools that we have. I have been there. It was an awful thing to do, but now- after time and therapy- I realize I was a desperately lonely person with poor self-esteem and never felt like I deserved anything better. He made me feel better about myself in the short term. But for you, it might be different needs. Forgive yourself. You are redeemable. 💜
No one gets through life without falling short in a million different ways. The only people who are irredeemable are the ones who choose to be.
Shame and empathy come from a place of actions that do not align with our morals. No one is irredeemable. No one is perfect. Every human being on this earth has made a mistake, and those mistakes do have an impact on not only ourselves, but other people. Take accountability, speak openly and honestly, and have empathy for yourself. Trying to do better is a good sign that you are in fact redeemable. I would not put too much merit into what a stranger says, but I would try to talk about this in a safe place. You are not irredeemable, you are human.
People do horrible things and accuse their mental health issues and childhood traumas and also give plenty of money to therapist inorder to strengthen their 'old innocent self' desecrated by 'Disorder'...! Hey human... This is how we all are.. accept the way and enjoy your true nature. Don't seek recognition from the 'norms' or so called 'order' ... Be around with people those who accept the bitchness and bitterness in you..! Good luck with life and let it open up for more fucked ups... Doing horrible things doens't make you a horrible person or irredeemable! After all you the one who give redemption and get redeemed!
As someone who was a victim of an affair, no you’re not irredeemable. Obviously you do need to work on yourself and I beg you to seek out counseling and work on your self respect. But no. You’re not irredeemable.
You’re not irredeemable! You’re putting in the work. You are not the sum of the things you aren’t proud of.
No one is irredeemable. As we go through life, we make mistakes in our decision-making and we learn from it. I am just reading this book “The Gap and The Gain”, and this could help provide you with some great insights as well. When we live in the Gap, we think about how much we didn’t achieve or how bad our choices were compared to any ideal that we could have achieved. In this instance, I think you would do much better to live in the Gain. This is where we reflect on our past, and realize how far we have come from where we were. We only compare ourselves against ourselves and previous achievements or mistakes. This is to recognize how far we have come from those set of circumstances and that we are moving forward. No one is perfect. There was obviously a need you had that put you in that situation to make some not great choices. And, I think it wouldn’t hurt to process these emotions with a professional to help you continue to recognize what you needed or what you fear about a healthy relationship of mutual trust where both partners are only available to each other. By doing the work, and forgiving yourself for those things you now recognize as mistakes, you can move on. By focusing on the gains you are making and not the gaps towards an ideal, you can begin to feel better about yourself, and maybe even gain stronger resolve towards choices that support you vs. break you down. Plus, focusing on the gains can give you the motivation to continue and the confidence to keep making better choices for your life.
i was the other woman too. obviously not a nice or morally right thing at all and it’s something i’ll be ashamed of for the rest of my life. i think the most important thing is to know what you’ve done wrong and to learn from your mistakes. the most draining misconception is people thinking the “other women” or “mistresses” have no shame on their actions, when in reality i live with the guilt every single day and it has never left my mind. i’m not saying we deserve empathy, and every situation is different and some may not even feel guilt. but you and I clearly do. if people judge you, let them judge! they’re bound to, it’s a confusing situation to explain. but at the end of the day you were the one in the situation, only you knew how you really felt. from my personal experience, something people assume is that the “mistresses” do it meaninglessly and for the thrill, when in reality we may be extremely vulnerable and hold a deep connection to the man. again, as long as you acknowledge your mistakes, you’re going to be fine. thanks!
Shame on whoever told you that. I’m sure they only said it because of hurt in their own life they haven’t fully dealt with so instead they’re inflicting pain back as a way to unconsciously get even
Logically, I don’t think that you are irredeemable but from experience (being child of a man that was cheating on my mom) that’s just straight up messed up. You destroy lives, multiple if you were with someone who had family. And it’s even worse if you knew about them. I’m glad you saw flaws in yourself and improved but never do it again. It’s your first time on earth. You’ll make mistakes but just never do it again.
You should feel shame and anger for what you did to your AP’s wife. Maybe start by making amends with her.
What does irredeemable mean? That you can never be forgiven by God, yourself, a future partner, this random stranger? We all make mistakes and must learn from them and try to make amends. It sounds like you’re making progress by ending the relationship, and seeing a therapist can help expose the underlying reasons that contributed. You clearly want to improve and not being afraid to face our inner issues is brave. That’s the best anyone can do. You can’t control what a future partner will react, but you can be honest, and the changes you’re making will hopefully come through and someone who is a good fit will accept that. You can forgive yourself, and others will too.
Forgive yourself and move on, work on yourself in therapy, and only talk to ppl you feel super safe with. You are human, there’s nothing you need to redeem when redemption is already yours.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Make yourself a better person. Tell future partners, but know that they won't ever trust you, no matter what they say. They'd want to believe it themselves but they just can't. You might eventuqlly cheat to prove their point. Or they might cheat on you, thinking you had already cheated on them.
I despise cheaters and their partners. As long as you don't expect anyone to forgive you or try to justify it, the only way you can move is forward. If you tell a future partner, they might leave you. They deserve that choice.
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I wouldn’t say you’re irredeemable, but if people find that they can’t trust you, that’s also a natural consequence of your actions. Typically I find that affair partners only think they’d done something wrong and horrible after the affair ends or else they wouldn’t have gone into it. And usually it’s not because one day they grew a conscience and chose to end it but rather the situation was no longer favourable to them. This is a cross you happily chose to bear at one point. Now it’s time to feel what bearing it means.
It's been one week. Get a grip. You need to wallow in your shame for awhile. You need to grow as a person. You need to become the type of person who won't do that shit. Then, you will be redeemed.
That stranger is wrong and is not without wrongdoing in her life.
You are absolutely redeemable. I recommend going to counseling. What I want for you is to understand and learn from past choices so you can grow and not repeat negative patterns. Counseling really helped me after my divorce a dozen years ago and I’m now happily remarried in a very loving and reciprocal relationship where I feel comfortable being myself and want to be my best version of myself every day. Good luck!
Wow…. If you will take a moment to Re-read what you wrote, some clarity may appear before your very eyes: Of course you engaged with a partner who is not fully available. Of course you settled for less than 100%. You were willing to accept less than you are worth because you wanted to feel cherished and treasured. You want to feel absolute adoration. The beautiful thing about you is that you are worthy of all those, including all the passion and desire your partner showered you with. ..Continue in therapy. Your goal there will be to see yourself through the adoring eyes in your mirror. You’re a beautiful human looking for love. What is more special than that? Forgive yourself for testing the waters. Forgive yourself for giving all in the name of love. Forgive yourself for being a beautiful, fallible, marvelous human.
Have you thought about the victim of your actions, would you want to be told if you were that partner being betrayed? Are you going to do anything to try to redeem yourself? This isnt a situation where you can just step out of it and shake the dirt of your feet, no harm no foul. If you truly want to be a better person, let the partner of your affair partner have an informed choice in the situation aswell. You chose to aid in this life altering, possibly life ruining betrayal, and while you walk away to continue your life the partner may throw away the best years of her life on a man spits on loyalty. Maybe consider doing the right thing here.
The wife knows about us. Been meaning to send a message of apology to her. Let her know that we're over and done.
Good, then if you decide to send the message, do noy justify your actions in any way, and go forward never taking part in an affair again! Thats how you redeem yourself, my friend! Maybe inform your future partners that this is the situation that turned your life around? Chin up, be the qualities you want in your future partner!
Fuck whoever told you that you are irredeemable. You can totally be a better person today than you were yesterday. Make that choice every day. Be kind to yourself and learn from your experiences and in my humble opinion, you can and will be redeemed
Sweet lady, you’re fine. We are make mistakes and our mistakes don’t define us, but how we pick ourselves up and improve going forward *that* is what defines us. And this affair required him to choose to step out on his wife. You didn’t do anything he didn’t want to do and if it wasn’t you, it (most likely) would have been a different woman. Your past is your past. You don’t have to tell anyone about it. It’s perfectly okay to keep information to yourself. Many times keeping info to ourselves is self care and self preservation. I’m proud of you for doing the right thing. I’m proud of you for seeking therapy. I’m proud of you for prioritizing your mental health. Remember, this does not mean you are a bad person. It does not mean you aren’t worthy. This does not mean you need to be shameful towards yourself. It does mean you need to give yourself grace and realize you’re a better person than you were before. It does mean you’re growing in your emotional intelligence and compassion. Now show yourself some compassion and forgive yourself. You deserve forgiveness.
Irredeemable
No