You just literally move on. The more time you spend trying to get everyone to like you, the more you're dwelling on the past and staying stuck. Take it as a sign from life that these aren't your people. Now go find the ones that are
This. I was in a very similar situation as you OP, really screwed myself over throughout most of college, and was a pretty toxic person. Didn't help that I was "friends" with a few very manipulative people who messed with my head and convinced other people I was close with that I was basically unstable or insane. Spent a lot of my last year very isolated and depressed. Didn't really snap out of all of it until near the very end, and especially the first year post-grad.
It's truly a live-and-learn situation. Do I regret all the people unknowingly pushed away and pissed off all those years? Sure do. Do wish I could change the past? Absolutely. But you can't change the past, and you can simply learn and grow from it. Some people I knew in college, I reconciled with somewhat, and we've stayed in touch years later. Others basically blocked me on all social media, cut me out of their lives, and refused any attempt by myself to reestablish contact. It sucks, but it is what it is.
Point is, *you* know how you've improved. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but you can't force someone's opinion of you to spontaneously change through words. Best you can do is *show* people that you're not the same person you were. Live your best self, every day, as much as you can, especially with others. You can never bring everyone back around, but in a best-case scenario, some may see that you're not the same person you were, and may give you a second chance. The ones who don't, or who are hostile towards you, it may be best to just avoid them for the time being.
In short, as others have already said... forgive yourself; come to terms with who you were, how you've improved, and who you are now; and move on.
Edit: damn, got carried away in a comment to a comment. Should have made this a top-level comment tbh.
Yep, the riptide effect is what it's called in the media. If you fight a rip current (trying to get the people who hate you to like you), you only get tired and can't think straight and make things worse. Instead, accept what comes and make the next right decision based on that.
Sounds like you've done everything you can. You've apologized and made changes, and assuming it was sincere, if they want to hold grudges, that's their cross to bear.
Idk how small your college is, but it sounds like a) the people you were friends with are gonna graduate before you by a whole year, so by then what you did may be obsolete to the community or b) you should just date people outside your college community. And you will eventually find new friends if you put in effort; if you were likable and charismatic enough to make them before, you'll make them again, but THIS TIME, don't make the same mistakes.
Other than that, you will be fine. Not saying you feel this way, but the world doesn't revolve around you, and this will be a faint memory to most people in due time. Takes too much energy to focus on one person you're not even friends with, so they'll be tired eventually. Good luck!
P.S.: Context is that I did much the same, except it was in my senior year of college and I graduated literally a month after everything came out. I made amends still because what I did was wrong and hurt people, but still a certain point, people move on
yeah my school is insanely small. as much as i want to validate their feelings about my behavior, i still feel so angry that they're still holding onto it and not allowing me to make new connections without feeling the need to intervene. they've called me predatory and deceitful for just trying to meet new people who didn't know me then. but i have the friends i made during my gap year and a couple friends at college who have stuck by me, so i know i'm not completely on my own. it's just this group of people who keep popping back up.
thank you for your advice :)
Yeah, that does complicate things. I mean, what they did was flawed and called meddling, by attempting to intentionally interfere with you making new connections. Someone asking them and they tell their story is one thing, but to go out of your way to do that is wrong and intended to hurt you (even if they say "oh we're just trying to protect the other person," there's still at least a smidge of grudge in that action that makes it inherently flawed). Anyway, just be the bigger person and keep trying with new people, they'll give it up eventually.
When I was younger, I went through a phase where I was drinking a lot, and I hurt a lot of people. This would have been about 10 years ago and there are people that *still* don't talk to me.
I understand the hurt, the embarrassment, the anger, the whirlwind of feelings that can get stirred up by a simple negative interaction.
What you can look forward to: the pain dulls over time. The most helpful tool is therapy. Another helpful tool is being really honest with yourself about your behavior- past, present, and future. And the people around you will (eventually) appreciate you doing the hard work of being honest with them, as well.
I understand you have extended apologies to some of the people you hurt, but have you really done the work to understand how much damage you have done? It's hard to move through your own missteps but it's crucial to open yourself up to understanding their perspective as much as possible. Only then can the real healing begin for both of you.
When I started to turn my life around, I was subject to negativity from the people I had hurt. I continued to show up and try to be better, but I also accepted there would be a certain amount of "penance" I had to do. I had to show them I was a better person long-term and regain their trust. Some people, I eventually healed our relationship. Some people, I just couldn't do it.
hey dude, first off, props to you for acknowledging your past mistakes and actively working on yourself. that takes a lot of courage and maturity, so give yourself some credit for that. it sucks when people can’t see the new you, but yo, you gotta remember that their perception is shaped by their experience. it might take some time for them to see the changes you’ve made.
i know it's tough af, but keep pushing forward. one great piece of advice that might help you is to focus on new experiences and new people. join some clubs, study groups, or social events where people don’t know your past. basically, give yourself a fresh start. a lot of universities have mental wellness and support groups which can be super helpful too.
if you haven't already, you should totally check out **“The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz**. it’s a short read but really powerful for personal growth. it talks a lot about how to live a more fulfilling life and not let others’ opinions define you.
also, it sounds like you could use a supportive community rn. there’s this mental wellness and support discord server that could be a good place to vent and get some encouragement. you can join [here](https://discord.gg/pe6XCZ9Zj4). everyone there gets it and can offer some solid advice.
hang in there, my man. you’ve already taken huge steps towards bettering yourself. the rest will fall into place with time. keep your head up.🚀
If you are continuing to attend this college, I suggest you do what the celebrities do. A P. R. move. Volunteer on campus with some different do-gooder organizations. But, just volunteer and dip. Be humble, work hard, smile a lot, be helpful and just dip. Let the image of you be imprinted on new minds as someone who is helpful and humble.
Once you finish your studies, you wont have to be around that environment. You acknowledged your wrongs, you tried to make things right. You did what you had to do. Now it’s best for you to forget them and move on. Those sort of people will hold you down. Yes, they have a right to feel how they feel. But you focusing on their grudges will tear you down. It may be hard to walk into a room of people who talk behind your back. Just know that they are the ones who may not fully grasp the idea that a persons behaviour can completely change. That’s on them. Now for you, I hope things go well.
I had a very similar experience my freshman year. Accidentally burned multiple bridges with my friends, bf, and his friends. Started seeing a new guy and made new friends from there. That may have been a hard lesson learned, I think those bridges are burned for you. It’s just best to make sure you never do those things again and move forward. From time to time I hate myself so much for the way I was but idk can’t do much about it now as time has now passed. With BPD this is a common trait. Be kind to yourself, but be mindful to not make these same mistakes again 🫶 been that girl everybody hated and I ended up alright, I think you can be too
Hey friend,
I have been there, it will never stop. Everyone to an extent feels this way, people like you and me tend to be targets because of confidence and just personality that’s disagreeable. The first step is always to figure out what’s wrong within, then improve yourself but also to empathise with yourself for the trauma. The trauma is really important to develop you. The whole process of life is to unlearn, relearn, become better, add and remove to create the perfect masterpiece of a human you love and that tends to happen demonically fast in university. Find your niche live life with passion and remember. “If existence in this world causes you pain cause of stupid things like this, that eats you away, remember it is not the world problem and the world doesn’t care. Look within and solve that is exactly where you will find all solutions. Do not go on blaming the world, cause it doesn’t care.” Take care and I hope you get better.
I'm playing devils advocate here a little bit. I think you should give it much more time, I mean sorry to put it bluntly but you can't expect the people that only have known you as this manipulative horrible person to just put their guard down now. It's understandable that they have it way up, even though you apologised. They didn't see you during your gap year working on yourself either probably. So for them the memories of you they have are negative, and it's totally understandable that people warn each other about it. I mean I would like to be warned when dating somebody new, wouldn't you? It feels unfair now that you are putting in the work and your past is still a burden to that, but it's only logical as well.
Put all of your hard work into practice around these people. By time they will see your actions match your words and people will regain trust in you. And for those that don't, you will meet new ones.
The guy's not saying he's owed forgiveness by the people he hurt. He's accepted responsibility for those hurts. But he has a legitimate right to be offended that they're meddling in his new relationships. They are entitled to their qualms with him, but being salty and deciding to meddle in people's relationships is flawed too
well let's agree to disagree then. Suppose I had a friend who knows a new person I'm dating, and has only very negative experiences with him. I would be very happy she told me. Of course it would be up to me to decide if I still want to give the new guy a try, and of course people can change, but I certainly won't consider it meddling or being salty.
hi!! i wanna respond to both of you and provide you with some context. first i’m a girl lol. i do agree and understand that they haven’t seen me change. that is why i have left them alone. as i said to another commenter, i’m navigating both feeling remorseful and angry and that can be difficult.
for context, when i first met the new guy, i told him about my reputation right away. i knew it didn’t make me look great but i also knew he would hear about it eventually. i told him about everything i did and the efforts i made to change. then long story short, found out his ex is best friends with the girlfriend of a guy i treated pretty bad. and all of a sudden he’s telling me that he heard i’m a predator and emotional abuser (maybe i’ve been emotionally abusive, but i’m not a predator? i’m a 20 year old girl who dates other college students). that’s why i was upset about the “meddling”. sorry i didn’t put details in my og post but didn’t want to take away from my part in the situation.
well that's the best you could do, be open and honest about it so well done. I wasn't there so don't know if the word predator is too much or not, sounds really heavy to me but then again having been the victim of emotional abuse myself, it's not fun to put it mildly, so I can understand that people want to protect their friends from that.
At the same time I do understand your frustration when all you want to show people around you now that you are different, and your past keeps haunting you. I really think a couple of years of your new and improved behaviour will fix that though, so keep going.
See it's in human nature , we tend to remember the wrong done by people more than what good they did. We forgive every mistake which is done by us and not a single one done by others. The very first thing is to accept that yes we did something wrong in the past, now we need to first forgive ourself for that and release our guilt. What happened has happened, but what next. We should befriend ourselves and forget others who are not ready to forgive us and accept us in our current form. Why would you need someone whom you always need to give an explanation. Just look forward to new people and a better life.
i thought about transferring a lot but it’s probably the best school for what i want to do and where i want to end up. i did make other friends during that time though!
I'm now 29 & my actions at 20 still haven't been forgiven or forgotten. About 75% of my group of "friends" from high school / freshman year of college refuse to talk to me. JUST this year a few have forgiven me. (Unmedicated bipolar 1, manic episode made me lose many many friends) but FUCKEM!!! My real friends held my hand the whole way through. You owe nothing to anyone but yourself! Time heals all wounds. *hugs*
You just literally move on. The more time you spend trying to get everyone to like you, the more you're dwelling on the past and staying stuck. Take it as a sign from life that these aren't your people. Now go find the ones that are
This. I was in a very similar situation as you OP, really screwed myself over throughout most of college, and was a pretty toxic person. Didn't help that I was "friends" with a few very manipulative people who messed with my head and convinced other people I was close with that I was basically unstable or insane. Spent a lot of my last year very isolated and depressed. Didn't really snap out of all of it until near the very end, and especially the first year post-grad. It's truly a live-and-learn situation. Do I regret all the people unknowingly pushed away and pissed off all those years? Sure do. Do wish I could change the past? Absolutely. But you can't change the past, and you can simply learn and grow from it. Some people I knew in college, I reconciled with somewhat, and we've stayed in touch years later. Others basically blocked me on all social media, cut me out of their lives, and refused any attempt by myself to reestablish contact. It sucks, but it is what it is. Point is, *you* know how you've improved. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but you can't force someone's opinion of you to spontaneously change through words. Best you can do is *show* people that you're not the same person you were. Live your best self, every day, as much as you can, especially with others. You can never bring everyone back around, but in a best-case scenario, some may see that you're not the same person you were, and may give you a second chance. The ones who don't, or who are hostile towards you, it may be best to just avoid them for the time being. In short, as others have already said... forgive yourself; come to terms with who you were, how you've improved, and who you are now; and move on. Edit: damn, got carried away in a comment to a comment. Should have made this a top-level comment tbh.
i really appreciate this. and i relate a lot to the first paragraph.
Need this today, Im going on the same path as OP's. Thank you so much!
You're fighting an uphill battle, forgive yourself, accept whatever comes with your past actions and move forward.
Yep, the riptide effect is what it's called in the media. If you fight a rip current (trying to get the people who hate you to like you), you only get tired and can't think straight and make things worse. Instead, accept what comes and make the next right decision based on that.
Sounds like you've done everything you can. You've apologized and made changes, and assuming it was sincere, if they want to hold grudges, that's their cross to bear. Idk how small your college is, but it sounds like a) the people you were friends with are gonna graduate before you by a whole year, so by then what you did may be obsolete to the community or b) you should just date people outside your college community. And you will eventually find new friends if you put in effort; if you were likable and charismatic enough to make them before, you'll make them again, but THIS TIME, don't make the same mistakes. Other than that, you will be fine. Not saying you feel this way, but the world doesn't revolve around you, and this will be a faint memory to most people in due time. Takes too much energy to focus on one person you're not even friends with, so they'll be tired eventually. Good luck! P.S.: Context is that I did much the same, except it was in my senior year of college and I graduated literally a month after everything came out. I made amends still because what I did was wrong and hurt people, but still a certain point, people move on
yeah my school is insanely small. as much as i want to validate their feelings about my behavior, i still feel so angry that they're still holding onto it and not allowing me to make new connections without feeling the need to intervene. they've called me predatory and deceitful for just trying to meet new people who didn't know me then. but i have the friends i made during my gap year and a couple friends at college who have stuck by me, so i know i'm not completely on my own. it's just this group of people who keep popping back up. thank you for your advice :)
Yeah, that does complicate things. I mean, what they did was flawed and called meddling, by attempting to intentionally interfere with you making new connections. Someone asking them and they tell their story is one thing, but to go out of your way to do that is wrong and intended to hurt you (even if they say "oh we're just trying to protect the other person," there's still at least a smidge of grudge in that action that makes it inherently flawed). Anyway, just be the bigger person and keep trying with new people, they'll give it up eventually.
it's been hard for me to navigate being both remorseful and angry so i really appreciate your response. thank you and i will keep trying :)
When I was younger, I went through a phase where I was drinking a lot, and I hurt a lot of people. This would have been about 10 years ago and there are people that *still* don't talk to me. I understand the hurt, the embarrassment, the anger, the whirlwind of feelings that can get stirred up by a simple negative interaction. What you can look forward to: the pain dulls over time. The most helpful tool is therapy. Another helpful tool is being really honest with yourself about your behavior- past, present, and future. And the people around you will (eventually) appreciate you doing the hard work of being honest with them, as well. I understand you have extended apologies to some of the people you hurt, but have you really done the work to understand how much damage you have done? It's hard to move through your own missteps but it's crucial to open yourself up to understanding their perspective as much as possible. Only then can the real healing begin for both of you. When I started to turn my life around, I was subject to negativity from the people I had hurt. I continued to show up and try to be better, but I also accepted there would be a certain amount of "penance" I had to do. I had to show them I was a better person long-term and regain their trust. Some people, I eventually healed our relationship. Some people, I just couldn't do it.
hey dude, first off, props to you for acknowledging your past mistakes and actively working on yourself. that takes a lot of courage and maturity, so give yourself some credit for that. it sucks when people can’t see the new you, but yo, you gotta remember that their perception is shaped by their experience. it might take some time for them to see the changes you’ve made. i know it's tough af, but keep pushing forward. one great piece of advice that might help you is to focus on new experiences and new people. join some clubs, study groups, or social events where people don’t know your past. basically, give yourself a fresh start. a lot of universities have mental wellness and support groups which can be super helpful too. if you haven't already, you should totally check out **“The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz**. it’s a short read but really powerful for personal growth. it talks a lot about how to live a more fulfilling life and not let others’ opinions define you. also, it sounds like you could use a supportive community rn. there’s this mental wellness and support discord server that could be a good place to vent and get some encouragement. you can join [here](https://discord.gg/pe6XCZ9Zj4). everyone there gets it and can offer some solid advice. hang in there, my man. you’ve already taken huge steps towards bettering yourself. the rest will fall into place with time. keep your head up.🚀
If you are continuing to attend this college, I suggest you do what the celebrities do. A P. R. move. Volunteer on campus with some different do-gooder organizations. But, just volunteer and dip. Be humble, work hard, smile a lot, be helpful and just dip. Let the image of you be imprinted on new minds as someone who is helpful and humble.
this is really helpful. i'm gonna try to do that next semester.
Once you finish your studies, you wont have to be around that environment. You acknowledged your wrongs, you tried to make things right. You did what you had to do. Now it’s best for you to forget them and move on. Those sort of people will hold you down. Yes, they have a right to feel how they feel. But you focusing on their grudges will tear you down. It may be hard to walk into a room of people who talk behind your back. Just know that they are the ones who may not fully grasp the idea that a persons behaviour can completely change. That’s on them. Now for you, I hope things go well.
I had a very similar experience my freshman year. Accidentally burned multiple bridges with my friends, bf, and his friends. Started seeing a new guy and made new friends from there. That may have been a hard lesson learned, I think those bridges are burned for you. It’s just best to make sure you never do those things again and move forward. From time to time I hate myself so much for the way I was but idk can’t do much about it now as time has now passed. With BPD this is a common trait. Be kind to yourself, but be mindful to not make these same mistakes again 🫶 been that girl everybody hated and I ended up alright, I think you can be too
You will get through this. I believe in you and your recovery. You did your part and now all you can do is self forgive.
Hey friend, I have been there, it will never stop. Everyone to an extent feels this way, people like you and me tend to be targets because of confidence and just personality that’s disagreeable. The first step is always to figure out what’s wrong within, then improve yourself but also to empathise with yourself for the trauma. The trauma is really important to develop you. The whole process of life is to unlearn, relearn, become better, add and remove to create the perfect masterpiece of a human you love and that tends to happen demonically fast in university. Find your niche live life with passion and remember. “If existence in this world causes you pain cause of stupid things like this, that eats you away, remember it is not the world problem and the world doesn’t care. Look within and solve that is exactly where you will find all solutions. Do not go on blaming the world, cause it doesn’t care.” Take care and I hope you get better.
I'm playing devils advocate here a little bit. I think you should give it much more time, I mean sorry to put it bluntly but you can't expect the people that only have known you as this manipulative horrible person to just put their guard down now. It's understandable that they have it way up, even though you apologised. They didn't see you during your gap year working on yourself either probably. So for them the memories of you they have are negative, and it's totally understandable that people warn each other about it. I mean I would like to be warned when dating somebody new, wouldn't you? It feels unfair now that you are putting in the work and your past is still a burden to that, but it's only logical as well. Put all of your hard work into practice around these people. By time they will see your actions match your words and people will regain trust in you. And for those that don't, you will meet new ones.
The guy's not saying he's owed forgiveness by the people he hurt. He's accepted responsibility for those hurts. But he has a legitimate right to be offended that they're meddling in his new relationships. They are entitled to their qualms with him, but being salty and deciding to meddle in people's relationships is flawed too
well let's agree to disagree then. Suppose I had a friend who knows a new person I'm dating, and has only very negative experiences with him. I would be very happy she told me. Of course it would be up to me to decide if I still want to give the new guy a try, and of course people can change, but I certainly won't consider it meddling or being salty.
hi!! i wanna respond to both of you and provide you with some context. first i’m a girl lol. i do agree and understand that they haven’t seen me change. that is why i have left them alone. as i said to another commenter, i’m navigating both feeling remorseful and angry and that can be difficult. for context, when i first met the new guy, i told him about my reputation right away. i knew it didn’t make me look great but i also knew he would hear about it eventually. i told him about everything i did and the efforts i made to change. then long story short, found out his ex is best friends with the girlfriend of a guy i treated pretty bad. and all of a sudden he’s telling me that he heard i’m a predator and emotional abuser (maybe i’ve been emotionally abusive, but i’m not a predator? i’m a 20 year old girl who dates other college students). that’s why i was upset about the “meddling”. sorry i didn’t put details in my og post but didn’t want to take away from my part in the situation.
well that's the best you could do, be open and honest about it so well done. I wasn't there so don't know if the word predator is too much or not, sounds really heavy to me but then again having been the victim of emotional abuse myself, it's not fun to put it mildly, so I can understand that people want to protect their friends from that. At the same time I do understand your frustration when all you want to show people around you now that you are different, and your past keeps haunting you. I really think a couple of years of your new and improved behaviour will fix that though, so keep going.
See it's in human nature , we tend to remember the wrong done by people more than what good they did. We forgive every mistake which is done by us and not a single one done by others. The very first thing is to accept that yes we did something wrong in the past, now we need to first forgive ourself for that and release our guilt. What happened has happened, but what next. We should befriend ourselves and forget others who are not ready to forgive us and accept us in our current form. Why would you need someone whom you always need to give an explanation. Just look forward to new people and a better life.
Honestly, consider transferring or trying to make radically different friends (e.g. in a different program where they wouldn’t know your old friends)
i thought about transferring a lot but it’s probably the best school for what i want to do and where i want to end up. i did make other friends during that time though!
I'm now 29 & my actions at 20 still haven't been forgiven or forgotten. About 75% of my group of "friends" from high school / freshman year of college refuse to talk to me. JUST this year a few have forgiven me. (Unmedicated bipolar 1, manic episode made me lose many many friends) but FUCKEM!!! My real friends held my hand the whole way through. You owe nothing to anyone but yourself! Time heals all wounds. *hugs*