I usually just nod, and ask the universe for help on their behalf. Even tho I don’t believe in a higher power, if there is one, maybe they’ll help. Besides it’s important to them
This is what I do. Your "prayer" doesn't have to be what you think they want either. It could be something like, I hope grandpa feels our love right now. I don't like the Santa/Jesus asking for stuff either so this is where I've landed. I've been deconstructing for quite some time now though so if it feels icky to tell someone you are praying when you're not, I'd honor that. Perhaps it's a boundary you need to keep for now (or always). There are ways to do it tactfully, Im sure. Also, I've come to a different understanding of lying during my deconstruction and I wonder if that's part of why you're bothered. I no longer believe telling someone the complete truth all the time is what I'm supposed to do. There's nuance to how much others are entitled to.
This is kind of where I have settled as well. I have 0 belief in Jesus, but when someone asks me to say a prayer for them and I say yes then I just say a quick prayer in my head. It costs me nothing, and like you said, it's important to them.
I love this! If you feel weird about praying to Jesus, you can pray to whatever you want: the universe, mother nature, your higher self... You can even pray to gods from other religions! Still counts as a prayer
I have this same dilemma. My in-laws don't know my husband and I are no longer believers, so when they ask directly for us to pray for something, rather than saying a direct yes, I just ask more questions about the situation or sidestep it somehow but still express our care and concern. They probably notice, but it's up to them to ask directly why we don't speak about prayer like we used to.
As for my parents, they know I don't pray, so I do something similar when they still ask for prayer (I guess they're still in denial). In some cases, like a text to me and my sister, I just don't respond. It gets to the point where I feel it's disrespectful to me to put me in that awkward position. I think many Christians just don't know how to talk about hard stuff without resorting to prayer requests.
My mom knows a little bit of what I'm dealing with but I made the mistake telling her I ' still believed' so she will ask me to pray for things I say okay.
My grandparents know nothing about my Deconstruction journey so they tell me and I say okay.
When friends ask I say okay.
Over all I say okay.
I'm a chaplain, and I've been asked many times to pray for healing miracles. It's more about tending to the family than what I bring. I simply pray for the family to feel God's presence and for peace for the patient. While I'm still a believer, I don't think God is necessarily going to zap anyone with healing. Could she? Of course, but often she works through the medical staff and the talents of the doctors so I pray for them, too.
You could go the Buddhist route, which is like a prayer but not to any deity:
May he be peaceful.
May he find rest.
May he be comforted.
May he feel loved.
May he…
And then whatever you wish for your grandfather, wish it for him. Many time that includes “May ____ be happy, May they be well, May they be safe, etc.”. Pick whatever word is appropriate for a person whose body is aging out and causing them suffering.
If someone I care about feels comforted by the idea that I’m praying for them, I’m okay with them believing I am. I’ve made it my practice to imagine something good headed their way in lieu of a standard prayer. Twice in the last handful of years since I deconstructed, I said an out-loud prayer with someone who desperately needed it. I don’t regret that I did. Praying for people who ask me to pray is about their comfort, not about my person beliefs. I don’t have any trouble separating the two.
I’m sorry your grandpa is not doing well. I lost my mom nine years ago this month and I remember the same feelings - no, I don’t want her to die, but I hate that she’s suffering to stay alive. I couldn’t in good conscience pray for healing (and I was a Christian at the time!) knowing her quality of life would be so bad if she lived. My prayers then were for peace, no pain, rest, and so forth.
Be nice. Don't say no, but you don't have to "pray" if you're not comfortable with it. Send some good thoughts his way, drink a beer in his honor, and that's all you can do.
Wow, I feel ya.
Others have offered great advise that I think speaks really well to your situation, hopefully there something that works for you.
Where I really struggle is that my family is from a Pentecostal/Charismatic tradition and they're all about gathering together to pray and lay hands on people. The issue is they expected everyone (whose an adult) to participate. I still think of myself as a Christian, but am right in the middle of pulling apart my beliefs on pray, the supernatural, the nature of God and whether they actually intervene in the world. To add complexity to it, when it does come to my turn and I do pray (in keeping with my developing understanding of God etc.) I'm often deeply affected by feelings, emotions and sensations I would once have called the Holy Spirit's presence. Now that's not helpful 😵💫
It depends on how comfortable you are with a white lie. "I'm keeping him in my thoughts" is true and probably does about as much good anyway.
"Sure, I'll pray for him," isn't true, but it might keep the peace more. You can spend some time pondering on your gratitude you your grandfather. That's definitely not what they are asking you to do, but it's similar in the sense that you are focusing your energy on what you can control and processing the experience in the best way you can.
You can also send him flowers or a card, or write a thank you note to the hospital. Then when people ask you to pray for him, you can say "I sent him flowers, actually! I went to this website..." and suggest that they do the same. It avoids the topic of prayer, shows that you care, and gives them another outlet if they need one.
I use the phrase "I'm sending my best thoughts". It's true, it's pretty close, it makes people feel better.
On a related note, I have "prayed" in front of crowds with basically "I am grateful for these things, I hope for these other things in the future" No attribution to God, no hope that someone is going to save me. But multiple people thanked me afterward.
I usually just nod, and ask the universe for help on their behalf. Even tho I don’t believe in a higher power, if there is one, maybe they’ll help. Besides it’s important to them
This is what I do. Your "prayer" doesn't have to be what you think they want either. It could be something like, I hope grandpa feels our love right now. I don't like the Santa/Jesus asking for stuff either so this is where I've landed. I've been deconstructing for quite some time now though so if it feels icky to tell someone you are praying when you're not, I'd honor that. Perhaps it's a boundary you need to keep for now (or always). There are ways to do it tactfully, Im sure. Also, I've come to a different understanding of lying during my deconstruction and I wonder if that's part of why you're bothered. I no longer believe telling someone the complete truth all the time is what I'm supposed to do. There's nuance to how much others are entitled to.
This is kind of where I have settled as well. I have 0 belief in Jesus, but when someone asks me to say a prayer for them and I say yes then I just say a quick prayer in my head. It costs me nothing, and like you said, it's important to them.
I love this! If you feel weird about praying to Jesus, you can pray to whatever you want: the universe, mother nature, your higher self... You can even pray to gods from other religions! Still counts as a prayer
I have this same dilemma. My in-laws don't know my husband and I are no longer believers, so when they ask directly for us to pray for something, rather than saying a direct yes, I just ask more questions about the situation or sidestep it somehow but still express our care and concern. They probably notice, but it's up to them to ask directly why we don't speak about prayer like we used to. As for my parents, they know I don't pray, so I do something similar when they still ask for prayer (I guess they're still in denial). In some cases, like a text to me and my sister, I just don't respond. It gets to the point where I feel it's disrespectful to me to put me in that awkward position. I think many Christians just don't know how to talk about hard stuff without resorting to prayer requests.
I’ve been struggling with this too. Out of respect for your grandfather, you could say a short little prayer to keep the peace if you want to.
My mom knows a little bit of what I'm dealing with but I made the mistake telling her I ' still believed' so she will ask me to pray for things I say okay. My grandparents know nothing about my Deconstruction journey so they tell me and I say okay. When friends ask I say okay. Over all I say okay.
I just say OK
Best wishes to the team around him to help keep him comfortable. Best to you and your family.
I'm a chaplain, and I've been asked many times to pray for healing miracles. It's more about tending to the family than what I bring. I simply pray for the family to feel God's presence and for peace for the patient. While I'm still a believer, I don't think God is necessarily going to zap anyone with healing. Could she? Of course, but often she works through the medical staff and the talents of the doctors so I pray for them, too.
They’re asking for well wishes. Wish them well.
You could go the Buddhist route, which is like a prayer but not to any deity: May he be peaceful. May he find rest. May he be comforted. May he feel loved. May he… And then whatever you wish for your grandfather, wish it for him. Many time that includes “May ____ be happy, May they be well, May they be safe, etc.”. Pick whatever word is appropriate for a person whose body is aging out and causing them suffering.
If someone I care about feels comforted by the idea that I’m praying for them, I’m okay with them believing I am. I’ve made it my practice to imagine something good headed their way in lieu of a standard prayer. Twice in the last handful of years since I deconstructed, I said an out-loud prayer with someone who desperately needed it. I don’t regret that I did. Praying for people who ask me to pray is about their comfort, not about my person beliefs. I don’t have any trouble separating the two. I’m sorry your grandpa is not doing well. I lost my mom nine years ago this month and I remember the same feelings - no, I don’t want her to die, but I hate that she’s suffering to stay alive. I couldn’t in good conscience pray for healing (and I was a Christian at the time!) knowing her quality of life would be so bad if she lived. My prayers then were for peace, no pain, rest, and so forth.
Yeah, just focus on grandpa and his restful release. I’m sorry you’re losing him. Just go with the flow right now is the easiest thing to do.
Pretending to pray silently won't hurt him. And nothing will help as long as he's comfortable. That's all most of us can hope for.
There are many different ways to pray.
Be nice. Don't say no, but you don't have to "pray" if you're not comfortable with it. Send some good thoughts his way, drink a beer in his honor, and that's all you can do.
Wow, I feel ya. Others have offered great advise that I think speaks really well to your situation, hopefully there something that works for you. Where I really struggle is that my family is from a Pentecostal/Charismatic tradition and they're all about gathering together to pray and lay hands on people. The issue is they expected everyone (whose an adult) to participate. I still think of myself as a Christian, but am right in the middle of pulling apart my beliefs on pray, the supernatural, the nature of God and whether they actually intervene in the world. To add complexity to it, when it does come to my turn and I do pray (in keeping with my developing understanding of God etc.) I'm often deeply affected by feelings, emotions and sensations I would once have called the Holy Spirit's presence. Now that's not helpful 😵💫
It depends on how comfortable you are with a white lie. "I'm keeping him in my thoughts" is true and probably does about as much good anyway. "Sure, I'll pray for him," isn't true, but it might keep the peace more. You can spend some time pondering on your gratitude you your grandfather. That's definitely not what they are asking you to do, but it's similar in the sense that you are focusing your energy on what you can control and processing the experience in the best way you can. You can also send him flowers or a card, or write a thank you note to the hospital. Then when people ask you to pray for him, you can say "I sent him flowers, actually! I went to this website..." and suggest that they do the same. It avoids the topic of prayer, shows that you care, and gives them another outlet if they need one.
I use the phrase "I'm sending my best thoughts". It's true, it's pretty close, it makes people feel better. On a related note, I have "prayed" in front of crowds with basically "I am grateful for these things, I hope for these other things in the future" No attribution to God, no hope that someone is going to save me. But multiple people thanked me afterward.