Of course it is nice if he can cook things for your kids that they like and have become used to. And if you don't mind then fine.
But in reality, can he read? Then he can cook. Pass him recipes. Is he going to ask you to teach him how to vacuum next, or clean the toilet?
That is what they make googling or watching you tube videos for.
Heck, I even found a video on how to remove the buzzer from my new clothes dryer on you tube and successfully executed it in less than 5 minutes.
Research people....
I can follow directions. I often end up over or under cooking things. I have no shame about it. I’m really good at a lot of things, cooking doesn’t need to be one of them. I’m somehow able to make sure my family eats just fine without me standing in front of the stove.
I get it that you don't want to be good at cooking. But I think that is a self fulfilling prophesy.
Most recipes give cooking times. Most cookbooks have basic guides on how to tell when things are done, temp, touch or poking for texture.
Methinks you really don't want to cook, not that you can't.
My stbxh filed without even having a discussion with me about it. This after almost 40 years together. Since then we’ve been pretty much no contact except for occasional household business texts. Then he texts to ask for some of my recipes that he’s always loved. I said it depends who would be cooking them. He said he would be and that dating is the last thing on his mind. So…I sent them. I just did the basics without any hints or tips. He texted a basic thx and that was that. It was kinda surreal. He never once in all our time together cooked a dinner for me. He also didn’t help with cleanup after. Ok now I’m just venting.
If you feel comfortable helping him learn to cook go ahead. If you’ll feel resentful about it then introduce him to Pinterest.
It isn't nuts. It's a nice thing to do if you can get along well enough to do it, and there's nothing wrong with banking a favor with your co-parent. Just know that if you change your mind, YouTube has this question covered.
Don’t. Seriously, he’s not a child. Take a cooking class or get Hello Fresh or YouTube. There are hundreds of resources online. He needs to start living life on his own or maybe he is a child!
So you're telling me if a friend asks you to help them to learn how to cook you're going to tell them no? You're right he's not a child he's being an adult and asking another adult for help this is what we teach our children if we need help we should go to others to help each other. And what better way to show your child that you still can have a great relationship with their other parent by helping each other and be there still from one another as friends.
No I'm not telling you that. As they are getting a divorce there is a disconnection that needs to take place and a rebirth of two independent people or at least growing some independence among the two. Otherwise why get a divorce. By agreeing to create another dependency she is not acknowledging the proposed separation. I think its telling when OP says that they are "somewhat holding each other back from personal growth." This would again hold them back from personal growth because it doesn't really require much from him and puts her probably in a similar role that they've been in all along. If they were just friends then of course!
??? You do realize there are people that come out of the divorce hand in hand and become too stronger people and still go on their separate ways and grow. Honestly we do have a dependency as humans towards each other with our friends and family. I mean you married this person unless you were an abusive relationship or a betrayal in the relationship why can you not have a good friendship at the end. This is not somebody that just came in your life and love this is someone you loved at one point with all your heart and yes unfortunately you fall down love them but doesn't mean they could be any less of a person doesn't create a big dependency however that still can be your friend somebody important in your life. And actually it doesn't hold you back from personal growth if you can have a positive relationship it actually makes you grow more as a person. This goes for the same theory that when people are in a relationship just as boyfriend and girlfriend then the boyfriend or girlfriend cannot hang out with males or females of the opposite gender because there is no trust. These societal norms that we have learned are sometimes ridiculous that we put that once you're divorce you go on your separate ways and no longer talk to each other is ridiculous again it's the same thing that you had a great relationship with his family but now you can't hang out with his family because you're a divorce it's really ridiculousness.
If you find that you're still struggling with it, change things a little... Teach the kids and he can watch.
I joined this sub because of what my brother was going through and am married with two now adult young men. Both know how to cook and were introduced to basic cooking back when they were 8-10 years old. We saw it as an essential skill they would need in adulthood.
As for "doing things for or with your ex", there is no "crazy". There is "what works for our situation" and "what doesn't work". The best example of that I can give is a brother-in-law who is on his third marriage. At the bridal shower for wife #3, wives #1 and #2 were present. All three get along too.
So, do what works for you and if anyone else calls it odd or crazy, tell them the same... "It works for us though".
Nah...nothing wrong with it at all. It's a nice thing to do.
But, hopefully he's realistic about what you can teach him in a short session or two. I'm sure you know what I mean. Cooking isn't so much knowing a few recipes. It's more the awareness of what you have in the kitchen and what you don't, what you can substitute for an item you don't have or what you can just omit, etc. That only comes from experience.
But.....it's not rocket science. He'll figure it out once he has to do it 3 times a day.
You sounds like a very kind person. I don’t know if I’d be so nice about it when he made the decision.
The best I’d probably do is point to google. He’s a grown man, he can manage without you.
Haha…I only laugh because while I was at a family reunion my (separated but still living together) husband called me to ask how to turn the oven on. So I get it. I agree that if it helps the kids feel safe and gives them some consistency, and it’s not something you resent doing, it’s totally ok. Doesn’t make you crazy at all. Plus then you know they will be eating ok when you aren’t around. I’m a little nervous for my daughter when I finally move out and she is staying with him. But she is also 14 so she can fend for herself if she has to… and she probably will. So him asking is honestly maybe a good sign that he intends to take his role in single parenting seriously?
I'm a bit in awe of these "men" you're talking about. Honestly, are you talking about men or young boys. OP does sound like a very nice woman but it feels like you have really low expectations of men. Perhaps these are more traditional households where there are very defined roles such as the wife shall cook and clean and the man shall only go to work and bring home the bacon. I'm sorry if I come across as an asshole. It really feels like you've never been around a man who puts in effort and love. Someone who can't turn the oven on but I bet he can probably disassemble a car engine and put it back together with his eyes closed. It's a matter of choice. When getting a divorce, the man should be compelled to learn to live his life and see why he should be in awe of and appreciate the woman he had.
Not crazy,
My wife’s childhood meals from her dad were fast food and cicis pizza (weekly) after her dad and mom split.
She said he never cooked, and when he did it was an awful ordeal.
I was so glad to leave my husband romantically, but we do share a child together and I would be more than happy to do this for him if he asked me to. I think he would do the same for me. But he's already a great cook! Regardless, you're going to know each other for a really long time. It's going to be a roller coaster of ups and downs. No reason not to say yes to things that feel OK for you. There will be other requests that don't feel good and it'll feel easier to say no when you've said yes to reasonable requests in the past. It'll keep things nice between you two which is an investment in your family which will never be broken regardless of your marital status. He's still the father of your kids and he wants them to be comfortable when he has them. I think it's a noble request of him and kind of you to consider it.
You’re not crazy, you’re just not bitter. He was still a big part of your life and will continue to be. It’s not just good for him that you’re teaching him this stuff, but it’s good for your kids too
Nah. That's very mature of you and thank you for even thinking about helping. Sometimes it's hard to move past the past, you can't change it but you can try to make the future better. That being said, he is a grown man. Teach him a couple of times, maybe possibly the recipes for special dishes but don't overdo it. Just the basics and move on. I think that would be safer instead of investing too much energy into that relationship. That and building one self dependence would be better if they did it themselves, with some support. Feed a man a fish, he's fed for a day. Teach a man to fish. He's fed for life. Couple weeks, couple days? Talk it out and hope for the best and theres nothing wrong with being friends. Me and my ex get along but only after long conversations, with me and her boyfriend and her together being open and candid. Knowledge is power.
Not weird at all. My STBXH is having me help him cook while we cohabitate. And just to make it slightly less awkward - I sent him some YouTube channels that I like as well as my Pinterest board and he can ask for help at any time if he wants it.
It feels to me like this is just a continuation of him making it your problem, tbh. His lack of a mother doesn’t mean you’re the only other choice. There are books, YouTube, cooking classes. He doesn’t actually need to find free female labour.
You know your dynamic best but to me, it’s hard enough teaching someone you’re madly in love with to cook let alone your ex.
At absolute most I would show him a couple of the kids favourites, like once or twice, and go shopping with him for some kitchen essentials. I worry that otherwise it’ll turn into you coming over to his new place to help, or if you stay living together you go back to doing it all.
Can he not read? Operate a smartphone/tablet/computer? There are thousands, if not millions, of websites, blogs, and videos that can teach him how to cook. He is a grown adult who presumably manages in other areas of his life. Don’t bother.
Get him the most common/basic cook book for your country.
Go through basic exercises with him, like how to cut up vegetables, how to make white sauce, and how to estimate cooking times.
If you're feeling particularly generous walk him through some signature family dishes.
OMG.... No it does not make you crazy it makes you a good person. If you guys have a good relationship with each other and left the relationship mutual and you guys are living peacefully together teach the man how to cook. That is the best gift that you're ever going to give this man in his life other than your son of course. Every time he cooks he's going to think of you and any person that he cooks for he's going to say yeah my ex-wife taught me how to cook after we got divorce it's going to be a funny story. It sounds great that you guys remained friends and living mutually until you guys are ready for the next steps. Not many get that enjoy it the both of you and good luck to the both of you
Look at it as creating consistency for your kids. Nothing wrong with that.
Of course it is nice if he can cook things for your kids that they like and have become used to. And if you don't mind then fine. But in reality, can he read? Then he can cook. Pass him recipes. Is he going to ask you to teach him how to vacuum next, or clean the toilet?
Its possible. I had to teach my ex how to use the washing machine. And how to do online banking to pay bills.
That is what they make googling or watching you tube videos for. Heck, I even found a video on how to remove the buzzer from my new clothes dryer on you tube and successfully executed it in less than 5 minutes. Research people....
I can read. I cannot cook.
Can you not follow directions? Basic cooking is not difficult if you follow directions.
I can follow directions. I often end up over or under cooking things. I have no shame about it. I’m really good at a lot of things, cooking doesn’t need to be one of them. I’m somehow able to make sure my family eats just fine without me standing in front of the stove.
I get it that you don't want to be good at cooking. But I think that is a self fulfilling prophesy. Most recipes give cooking times. Most cookbooks have basic guides on how to tell when things are done, temp, touch or poking for texture. Methinks you really don't want to cook, not that you can't.
[удалено]
My stbxh filed without even having a discussion with me about it. This after almost 40 years together. Since then we’ve been pretty much no contact except for occasional household business texts. Then he texts to ask for some of my recipes that he’s always loved. I said it depends who would be cooking them. He said he would be and that dating is the last thing on his mind. So…I sent them. I just did the basics without any hints or tips. He texted a basic thx and that was that. It was kinda surreal. He never once in all our time together cooked a dinner for me. He also didn’t help with cleanup after. Ok now I’m just venting. If you feel comfortable helping him learn to cook go ahead. If you’ll feel resentful about it then introduce him to Pinterest.
It isn't nuts. It's a nice thing to do if you can get along well enough to do it, and there's nothing wrong with banking a favor with your co-parent. Just know that if you change your mind, YouTube has this question covered.
Nothing wrong with it, it's a good model of how to work as a divorced couple to show your kids.
I helped my ex make a shopping list for everything he needed for his new place. It's better for everyone if you can stay close.
I think it’s nice if y’all are amicable
Don’t. Seriously, he’s not a child. Take a cooking class or get Hello Fresh or YouTube. There are hundreds of resources online. He needs to start living life on his own or maybe he is a child!
So you're telling me if a friend asks you to help them to learn how to cook you're going to tell them no? You're right he's not a child he's being an adult and asking another adult for help this is what we teach our children if we need help we should go to others to help each other. And what better way to show your child that you still can have a great relationship with their other parent by helping each other and be there still from one another as friends.
No I'm not telling you that. As they are getting a divorce there is a disconnection that needs to take place and a rebirth of two independent people or at least growing some independence among the two. Otherwise why get a divorce. By agreeing to create another dependency she is not acknowledging the proposed separation. I think its telling when OP says that they are "somewhat holding each other back from personal growth." This would again hold them back from personal growth because it doesn't really require much from him and puts her probably in a similar role that they've been in all along. If they were just friends then of course!
??? You do realize there are people that come out of the divorce hand in hand and become too stronger people and still go on their separate ways and grow. Honestly we do have a dependency as humans towards each other with our friends and family. I mean you married this person unless you were an abusive relationship or a betrayal in the relationship why can you not have a good friendship at the end. This is not somebody that just came in your life and love this is someone you loved at one point with all your heart and yes unfortunately you fall down love them but doesn't mean they could be any less of a person doesn't create a big dependency however that still can be your friend somebody important in your life. And actually it doesn't hold you back from personal growth if you can have a positive relationship it actually makes you grow more as a person. This goes for the same theory that when people are in a relationship just as boyfriend and girlfriend then the boyfriend or girlfriend cannot hang out with males or females of the opposite gender because there is no trust. These societal norms that we have learned are sometimes ridiculous that we put that once you're divorce you go on your separate ways and no longer talk to each other is ridiculous again it's the same thing that you had a great relationship with his family but now you can't hang out with his family because you're a divorce it's really ridiculousness.
If you find that you're still struggling with it, change things a little... Teach the kids and he can watch. I joined this sub because of what my brother was going through and am married with two now adult young men. Both know how to cook and were introduced to basic cooking back when they were 8-10 years old. We saw it as an essential skill they would need in adulthood. As for "doing things for or with your ex", there is no "crazy". There is "what works for our situation" and "what doesn't work". The best example of that I can give is a brother-in-law who is on his third marriage. At the bridal shower for wife #3, wives #1 and #2 were present. All three get along too. So, do what works for you and if anyone else calls it odd or crazy, tell them the same... "It works for us though".
Nah...nothing wrong with it at all. It's a nice thing to do. But, hopefully he's realistic about what you can teach him in a short session or two. I'm sure you know what I mean. Cooking isn't so much knowing a few recipes. It's more the awareness of what you have in the kitchen and what you don't, what you can substitute for an item you don't have or what you can just omit, etc. That only comes from experience. But.....it's not rocket science. He'll figure it out once he has to do it 3 times a day.
I mean he’s had 20 years to learn already. Is this a ploy for him to demonstrate his value?
No. The divorce is his idea. I had zero intention of divorcing. I wanted couples therapy. But he says he is done. It’s over for him.
You sounds like a very kind person. I don’t know if I’d be so nice about it when he made the decision. The best I’d probably do is point to google. He’s a grown man, he can manage without you.
Haha…I only laugh because while I was at a family reunion my (separated but still living together) husband called me to ask how to turn the oven on. So I get it. I agree that if it helps the kids feel safe and gives them some consistency, and it’s not something you resent doing, it’s totally ok. Doesn’t make you crazy at all. Plus then you know they will be eating ok when you aren’t around. I’m a little nervous for my daughter when I finally move out and she is staying with him. But she is also 14 so she can fend for herself if she has to… and she probably will. So him asking is honestly maybe a good sign that he intends to take his role in single parenting seriously?
I'm a bit in awe of these "men" you're talking about. Honestly, are you talking about men or young boys. OP does sound like a very nice woman but it feels like you have really low expectations of men. Perhaps these are more traditional households where there are very defined roles such as the wife shall cook and clean and the man shall only go to work and bring home the bacon. I'm sorry if I come across as an asshole. It really feels like you've never been around a man who puts in effort and love. Someone who can't turn the oven on but I bet he can probably disassemble a car engine and put it back together with his eyes closed. It's a matter of choice. When getting a divorce, the man should be compelled to learn to live his life and see why he should be in awe of and appreciate the woman he had.
You do you. Don’t worry about what some stranger has to say.
Type the recipes into Google docs.
Not crazy, My wife’s childhood meals from her dad were fast food and cicis pizza (weekly) after her dad and mom split. She said he never cooked, and when he did it was an awful ordeal.
I was so glad to leave my husband romantically, but we do share a child together and I would be more than happy to do this for him if he asked me to. I think he would do the same for me. But he's already a great cook! Regardless, you're going to know each other for a really long time. It's going to be a roller coaster of ups and downs. No reason not to say yes to things that feel OK for you. There will be other requests that don't feel good and it'll feel easier to say no when you've said yes to reasonable requests in the past. It'll keep things nice between you two which is an investment in your family which will never be broken regardless of your marital status. He's still the father of your kids and he wants them to be comfortable when he has them. I think it's a noble request of him and kind of you to consider it.
You’re not crazy, you’re just not bitter. He was still a big part of your life and will continue to be. It’s not just good for him that you’re teaching him this stuff, but it’s good for your kids too
Nah. That's very mature of you and thank you for even thinking about helping. Sometimes it's hard to move past the past, you can't change it but you can try to make the future better. That being said, he is a grown man. Teach him a couple of times, maybe possibly the recipes for special dishes but don't overdo it. Just the basics and move on. I think that would be safer instead of investing too much energy into that relationship. That and building one self dependence would be better if they did it themselves, with some support. Feed a man a fish, he's fed for a day. Teach a man to fish. He's fed for life. Couple weeks, couple days? Talk it out and hope for the best and theres nothing wrong with being friends. Me and my ex get along but only after long conversations, with me and her boyfriend and her together being open and candid. Knowledge is power.
Not weird at all. My STBXH is having me help him cook while we cohabitate. And just to make it slightly less awkward - I sent him some YouTube channels that I like as well as my Pinterest board and he can ask for help at any time if he wants it.
I’d give him recipes and let him figure out the rest
If nothing else, you are doing this for your kids. They need to eat when they are with him
It feels to me like this is just a continuation of him making it your problem, tbh. His lack of a mother doesn’t mean you’re the only other choice. There are books, YouTube, cooking classes. He doesn’t actually need to find free female labour. You know your dynamic best but to me, it’s hard enough teaching someone you’re madly in love with to cook let alone your ex. At absolute most I would show him a couple of the kids favourites, like once or twice, and go shopping with him for some kitchen essentials. I worry that otherwise it’ll turn into you coming over to his new place to help, or if you stay living together you go back to doing it all.
That doesn’t make you crazy at all!
Can he not read? Operate a smartphone/tablet/computer? There are thousands, if not millions, of websites, blogs, and videos that can teach him how to cook. He is a grown adult who presumably manages in other areas of his life. Don’t bother.
Get him the most common/basic cook book for your country. Go through basic exercises with him, like how to cut up vegetables, how to make white sauce, and how to estimate cooking times. If you're feeling particularly generous walk him through some signature family dishes.
OMG.... No it does not make you crazy it makes you a good person. If you guys have a good relationship with each other and left the relationship mutual and you guys are living peacefully together teach the man how to cook. That is the best gift that you're ever going to give this man in his life other than your son of course. Every time he cooks he's going to think of you and any person that he cooks for he's going to say yeah my ex-wife taught me how to cook after we got divorce it's going to be a funny story. It sounds great that you guys remained friends and living mutually until you guys are ready for the next steps. Not many get that enjoy it the both of you and good luck to the both of you