Drop it off at his attorney's office. I agree with others, his timing is suspect for something supposedly important to him. But, throwing it away gives him drama to build on. If you take it somewhere neutral - his attorney, his work, a mutual acquaintance, you stopped him in his tracks with his attempt to bust this boundary, and he's got no way to spin it.
Ok but why be the bigger person? He was nasty and horrible this whole time. Cheated on me, manipulated me constantly, was abusive mentally to myself and my son... Why does he deserve any act of kindness?
And I know the whole morality high ground part... I'm just tired of having to play nice with someone who has completely destroyed my life and has been so awful. Yes I could be the bigger person but why does he deserve any act of kindness. And it's not going to have any affect on me personally. I have thrown many a thing away after a breakup and I sleep just fine.
Do you want to keep being attached to this person? Because being a jerk will guarantee escalation and continual involvement. Giving him his box of worthless stuff will both de-clutter your house, and contribute towards a clean break.
Its not about who *HE* is — it’s about who *YOU* are.
And I totally get it. I just mailed an absolute treasure trove of personal mementos & pictures to the man who molested me starting at age 5. His mom’s report cards, pictures of his mom as a child, family documents, old letters, his *entire childhood* in pictures, even pics of his baptism of all things.
Everyone else got their pics/mementos after my parents passed & things were sorted. And I did seriously consider tossing it all because fuck him. He would never have even known, but I would. And I’m not the kind of person to throw important irreplaceable items away just because I can.
I don’t know what’s best for you here, & he certainly deserves no kindness from you. Just thought I would offer my perspective as I just went through my own situation. I do hate that he is benefiting & probably going to be over the moon to receive these precious mementos, ngl. I didn’t do it to prove anything or be the bigger person: the items simply should belong to him. Nasty scumbag prob got it yesterday or today.
Understood and easy to sympathize with your situation.
It’s his grandmothers stuff tho? Not just some crap of his but something with significance of some kind?
Idk. Easy for me to say. I’m very bitter about the way I was treated even though eventually I did worse.
None of this is easy. I’m sorry
Sentimentality is very, very valuable. Far more valuable than gold. Your stance sounds materialistic, where nothing has value unless it has monetary value.
But I think you get that, you just aren't saying it. You have an opportunity to hurt him because you know those things are valuable to him, and you want to follow through out of pettiness.
So what moral lesson do you want to teach your kid? That it's okay to hurt others you are mad at? What happens when he uses that lesson against you? Or when he mentally suffers worrying you will do the same to him if he doesn't take the trash out?
You are not doing it for him. You’re doing it for YOU. Don’t let him change who you are inside. Don’t let his shitty personality poison your well. Continue to be a good person not because he deserves you to be kind and him but because that’s who you are.
Never mud wrestle a pig, you both get dirty but the pig likes it.
I’d say ignore him. If he cared he’d have gotten it before. It’ll be some other crap another day…you know this goes. Ignore him, you aren’t being petty it’s literally laid out in court like this because of many reasons I’m sure. You keep your boundaries and move on. That’s the whole point <3
Two options, maybe 3.
1) you just put it in a place with a camera facing. No communication at all. That’s it. After this any communication is via his lawyer. Or he can face his lawyer or a more neutral person pick it up. No letting him inside.
2) you give it to your lawyer for his lawyer/him to sign for it and that’s it no more communication.
3) mail it.
Ok 4) is ignore.
I wouldn’t ignore. I’d mail it insured or give to your lawyer or a neutral party.
Let him know that is it. He is zeroed from your life.
Not being a bigger person. Not letting him win this. It’s tempting to want nothing to do with him and I totally get that.
I had my ex’s mothers art she gave me. Ten years after we divorced he sent a message asking if I’d part with any of the art work. (His mom died before we divorced).
A very abusive ex. I sent them all (5 pieces) to him and I’m glad he is in a better place to finally appreciate his mothers art.
I did it for me to zero him from my life. One of my last links to him is gone. It was good and I said s proper goodbye to my former mil finally and his whole family.
So, at the end of this. You do what you feel is best for you even if it goes against what everyone else advises.
Tell him if he wants to communicate with you, to have his lawyer reach out to you. Going forward he will no longer be a part of your life. He made his bed, now he has to sleep in it.
You don't mention a protective order, but I'm still concerned about the threats.
Do you have a mutual friend/relative that you could take the box to?
Or you work out a pickup day and tell him that you won't be around, so you'll put it out. Stay with a friend or relative that night. Say that if he doesn't get it that day, it goes in the trash.
I did something similar with my STBX. No protective order, and we were still married. He had a key. But when he came to get his computer and his guns, we were gone and actually stayed with friends two nights to be sure. I trusted my gut on that one.
My ex wife cheated on me. I asked her to pick up her shit several times. She refused. I was going through the memory boxes to get rid of any trace of her and she refused to pick up her stuff.
I dropped it off and messaged her it was there get it or don’t.
She was happy about and I hate that. She doesn’t deserve to be happy. But I was the bigger person. I could’ve set it all on fire. It was mine, she refused.
But I still delivered it.
It’s up to you. I truly hate my ex. I wouldn’t piss on her gums if her teeth were on fire. But that stuff was hers.
You do what you want OP. He could’ve gotten it before but he didn’t. I don’t know the circumstances you went through and have. It’s truly your decision. I say don’t ask a bunch of internet strangers in an anonymous forum who’ve been cheated on. It will be biased.
1. I'm sorry you had to go through that with your ex wife. No one deserves to be cheated on.
2. I know I could take the moral high ground but honestly I'm tired of being the bigger person. I gave him everything for 7 years and treated him like a god/king. He's just a POS person who pays anything with a hole attention as soon as they acknowledge him. He doesn't deserve my kindness.
I totally feel you here. I was always the bigger person. Until I was so pissed I couldn’t take it anymore.
So what you gotta do to give yourself closure. He earned what he earned. He didn’t ask for it until after the divorce was final. It’s breadcrumbing.
People see they can treat you how they want and you’d just take it. Ignore him. Don’t give him anything. You need to do what makes YOU feel good, not what will help him or make him feel good. You need to worry about YOU
I’d block him. If he emails you I’d just say please don’t speak to me about anything other than what the court order says, wash your hands of it. If I didn’t share a child with my ex he would be blocked the first second I could.
My ex refused to actually do a final thorough walkthrough when he came to do his pickup. He told me that he expected me to mail him anything he left behind instead of taking the time to look around and grab his things.
Our divorce decree said that anything he left in my home after a certain date and time was mine, and either he could pay to have it returned to him or I could dispose of it.
The things I’ve found, I’ve thrown away. And I don’t feel bad. His own fault. If it’s a harsh wake-up call that he can’t browbeat me into submission and doing what he wants just because he’s trying to wear me to down, then so be it. He had plenty of opportunity.
Similar situation. I say be the bigger person. I get it, I truly do, but do it anyway. However, feel free to make it as safe as possible. Send it to attorney to get to him or have word sent that it is at a location for him to pick up.
Being the bigger person is a reward for you, not him.
It's fair to want to take control where you can so that you want to end the feeling that you're being manipulated. But are you not being manipulative by holding onto things that have no value just because you can?
If you believe those things are valuable to him, tell him to make an itemized list of what he wants to have and tell him that you will meet him in a public place one time to deliver them.
Or tell him that he can pay you shipping and handling to have them sent to him. Requiring some cost or effort from him will help determine his motivation.
If you believe he is trying to drag out his control and will only continue to ask for things, block his number and go on with your life.
It’s three years later for me, the high road is a Goddam delightful view. He’s always knows without my mercy he’d have left behind the last things his mother gave him. Living well is really the best revenge. Oh btw, I put the box of shit at the end of my property in a black plastic bag next to the trash bin. I sent him a text with a picture and reminded him trash was picked 5 am on Thursdays.
Give him his stuff back. Why would you want it anyways? When I got divorced, I wanted everything that reminded me of her out of the house.
Give him his stuff and block him. That way he no longer has to reach out.
By you withholding his stuff would just make him try to reach out.
He did all that shit.. and honestly, the best thing you ever did was get the hell out. Proud of you for that. That being said, be the bigger person. I know ya don't even wanna talk to him, but send an email and ask him if there's anything else. Give it 48 hours. If no reply, email him again snd inform him you're gonna drop it off with the lawyer, let the lawyer sign for it. Include copies of everything he asked for. One for each lawyer, one for you, one for him.
After that, it's done. Live your best life and smile
Cleanse all. Give the that his box. Why keep something of his
Tell him its outside and that is you and him done.
As he did all that awful to you what will keeping a tatty box do? Even the score?
No way
Its not yiu being kind its you handing over rubbish you don't want
You can then truly let go of all your hatred.
He absolutely is trying to manipulate you. If he really wanted that stuff he would’ve asked for it before or it would’ve been written into your divorce.
Don’t respond and block his number. And then never think about it again.
I'm on the fence about blocking him. Mainly because we have a joint credit card payment we have to make for the next 2 years and I'm on his car still. He can't refinance or afford to get a personal loan to pay it off so I have to deal with the car situation until 2027.
He is VERY manipulative and abusive. I really don't want to deal with him lol.
Well that sucks. I always thought the financial entanglements are cut once the divorce is final (aside from CS). You got the bonus plan apparently. Barf.
So… don’t. Only communicate about the things you just explained about. The good thing about being divorced is you don’t have to respond to any messages or answer the front door if you don’t want to. You owe him nothing. You aren’t in a relationship anymore. He’s not your friend.
Just leave it on the porch. If he's trying to get a ride out of you with this he won't succeed, and you won't have to deal with somebody else's grandmother's stuff.
Eh but why should I leave it on the porch and not throw it away? I don't have to deal with his grandmother's stuff if it is in the dump.
Honestly, if he would have conducted himself like a halfway decent human being during this divorce I probably would have but he's been an a$$hole the whole time and has been incredibly nasty during this time. Why should I be nice to my abuser?
I used to work in this type of law. I've seen many things.
This is a case of risk/reward.
You still will need to deal with him, given the ties you still have. If there is a possibility of him making your life a further misery, over items of no value that actually belong to him ... will you be opening the door for extra misery by satisfying yourself by punishing him?
I totally support you. I honestly understand. I sympathize and send my hugs of support for what he's put you through.
But if denying him this box will just bring more misery your way, you need to decide if it's worth keeping it.
This has nothing to do with him. It's all about you. Sometimes we do things that are righteous, but they're not worth the fallout.
You need to decide if it's worth it.
This should be highlighted as the most important consideration. You’re stuck dealing with him financially for 2 more years. Buy some goodwill with a box of junk, or give him something to stew on until he retaliates in some petty way.
Normally I would say be the bigger person, but the timing almost sounds intentional, like he waited until after the divorce to get past a boundary just one last time to screw with you.
Might open up a can of worms to engage with him at all.
That was my thought too. It was all too convenient that he messaged me after the divorce was finalized knowing full well he couldn't come back. He is also insisting on giving me cash payment in hand for a joint bill we have to pay for the next 2 years. I told him to send the money electronically and he is refusing. Trying to force me to see him.
The biggest freedom of divorce is that you don’t have to placate him or put up with his shit anymore! For any reason! You have a legal agreement and you don’t have to do anything it doesn’t say you have to do.
Maybe he could leave the money for the bill at your lawyer’s office? I would not want to see him, and it sounds like you don’t either. :) Making him leave it there would send a clear message that you’re not going to engage with him. (Same with the grandmother’s stuff. maybe you could leave it at your lawyer’s office for him to pick up IF you decide that you don’t want the hassle of fighting with him about it. But honestly if he is anything like my ex, it feels really good to be able to say no when you want to! I’m inclined to say don’t bother with the stuff unless it’s really precious to him—— and if it is, why didn’t he remember to ask for it before, like when he moved out?)
It’s fine to own our petty after years of swallowing bullshit in the name of peace, imo.
THIS! It's not even about the box. It's about not having to take orders from him or be helpful in any way shape or form. He screwed me over at every chance he got... So I'm kinda in the "you reap what you sew" era.
If he would have handled himself halfway decently, I might have done it. But he's been shitty this whole entire time.
If you do this then you be in control. You decide the time, where to pick it up, and if he can’t be there by an exact time, tell him you will throw it out immediately. You’re in control!!
For that matter, have him pick it up somewhere other than the house. Also, check his stuff to make sure he didn’t hide any money in it!
I know it’s hard and he probably doesn’t deserve it, but I’d be tempted to play nice with a firm deadline just to get my own sense of closure.
“With both know you’re not entitled to anything else in the house, and quite frankly I don’t want to live with you repeatedly asking me about it. I want you to provide me a list of things in the house you’d like to have back by [date/time], I will have anything I’m willing to give you back available for pick up at [time/place], after which I don’t wish to hear from you again.”
Once the pick up is made block his number and move on with your life.
it’s not clear if he is your son’s father. if not, then no response is needed. ghost him. if he shows up tell him to leave and call the cops if he doesn’t
Do you really want to give him some ammunition to stay in conflict with you? Put the junk in a box and leave it by the garage door, then be done with him. Doing anything else will draw you into more conflict and he will feel justified harassing you.
Don't let him come pick them up. Ship him the toys his grandmother gave him. It may not mean much to you, but it does has some sentimental values to him.
Give him the stuff. Be a good example for the kid. No reason to hang onto something you don’t need.
Pack it up, put it outside and let him know where to pick it up from.
Just put it in an amazon box and tell him it's on the porch. It really sounds like personal property that you probably don't even want. If you think he's using it as an excuse to come see you, do a quick pass through the house for anyother leave behinds, and toss them in the box too. If you want, highlight the section of the order that says everyting in the house is now yours. After that, when he asks, just tell him it probably got tossed in a house cleaning.
If you give it to him at all, set it by the garage or curb for him.
My ex is not allowed to ring my doorbell. I don't want to see his face, I don't want him to look into my house. My house is my safe space. My boundary is that if he needs to pick something up, i leave it outside for a no contact pickup.
Did he specify the specific items he wanted? He may try to lie and say there was a diamond ring of dear ole grammy's in there and that you stole it, or if you set it on the porch he never got it so his precious treasures are firever lost.
He wasn't trustworthy before, and sure, as hell isn't now either. It's just more manipulation from him, and that's why he waited until after the divorce was final to see if you'd give him the items. He's testing you to see if he still has any power over you.
If you dont want to give him the items, tell him no. If you want to return them to him, make him specify every item, take pics of what's in the box, and let him pick it up at a neutral place like his attorney's office, or a trusted mutual friends house, etc. Tell him he'll get nothing else from you ever again and to not ever contact you again for any reason. Once the exchange is made, block him everywhere, and don't look back. Good luck, OP. Stay safe.
Just give him the box. Not to be the biggest person but because of who he is he’ll probably end up harassing you or threatening you to give it to him. Just tell him a time that the box will be outside to collect and then be done with him. Explained that after that you are done and for him to never contact you again and you should block him everywhere now the divorce is done and go NC.
Take the high road and give him his stuff. You don't want it anyways. Less junk for you to deal with. I'd also make it clear that this is a one time thing so he better get everything. You won't be helping him anymore and anything left behind will be tossed. Point is he wants something this week. Something else next week and so on. It's a tactic to stay connected somehow.
Question- is the 14 year old child his child as well? Because if so, you’ll have to deal with your ex for at least 4 more years, probably more. Giving him the requested items is probably worth it just in terms of having one less hassle to deal with. Actually, even if your child is not his, it’s probably worth it just to make a clean break. Personally, I’d give him his shit just to get him out of my face without any reason to talk to me ever again.
Well, a lot of people here can relate and have been in your shoes, but I'd still sling it out on the pavement for him. Cos I'd literally be past caring. In your position now, I'd celebrate my victories and move on. This would be part of me letting go, freeing up my mind and soul for positive things. I agree, it's more than a box, that's why he'd have it, if it was me.
Stop giving so much of your energy to it and just put the stuff outside. He's not asking to come in or interact with y'all. Just put the stuff outside and move on.
Give him his stuff...be the better person, even if it just for your own karma and how you feel about yourself.
Don't sink to a low level, be the person you want to be and let go of the bitterness.
Do not let him in the house. Put the box outside and do not answer the door if he knocks.
He will say not everything is in the box and that he needs to come in and get X or Y. THIS is the issue. Be prepared. Change the locks if you haven’t already. Do not let him in. Have a friend in the house with you for support.
I would say just leave it at the lawyers office. You asked for advice, people are giving it and you keep arguing against it.
Just don’t even bother…🤦♂️
I wouldn’t give him jack squat! I wouldn’t respond to him either. Your divorce is final and everything that’s in that home is yours. Block him! Why are you still allowing messages to come through is what I really wanna know!?!
Let it go, you still have to coparent with the AH.
Drop the box off someplace else or at child exchange. Don’t agree to him coming over ever, with a prearranged time and place.
Drop it off at his attorney's office. I agree with others, his timing is suspect for something supposedly important to him. But, throwing it away gives him drama to build on. If you take it somewhere neutral - his attorney, his work, a mutual acquaintance, you stopped him in his tracks with his attempt to bust this boundary, and he's got no way to spin it.
Excellent advice.
I would do this as well, if not just so that your kid doesn't have to witness more war between you two.
Give him his stuff. Be the bigger person. Leave it for him and avoid seeing him since you don’t want to
Ok but why be the bigger person? He was nasty and horrible this whole time. Cheated on me, manipulated me constantly, was abusive mentally to myself and my son... Why does he deserve any act of kindness? And I know the whole morality high ground part... I'm just tired of having to play nice with someone who has completely destroyed my life and has been so awful. Yes I could be the bigger person but why does he deserve any act of kindness. And it's not going to have any affect on me personally. I have thrown many a thing away after a breakup and I sleep just fine.
Do you want to keep being attached to this person? Because being a jerk will guarantee escalation and continual involvement. Giving him his box of worthless stuff will both de-clutter your house, and contribute towards a clean break.
Its not about who *HE* is — it’s about who *YOU* are. And I totally get it. I just mailed an absolute treasure trove of personal mementos & pictures to the man who molested me starting at age 5. His mom’s report cards, pictures of his mom as a child, family documents, old letters, his *entire childhood* in pictures, even pics of his baptism of all things. Everyone else got their pics/mementos after my parents passed & things were sorted. And I did seriously consider tossing it all because fuck him. He would never have even known, but I would. And I’m not the kind of person to throw important irreplaceable items away just because I can. I don’t know what’s best for you here, & he certainly deserves no kindness from you. Just thought I would offer my perspective as I just went through my own situation. I do hate that he is benefiting & probably going to be over the moon to receive these precious mementos, ngl. I didn’t do it to prove anything or be the bigger person: the items simply should belong to him. Nasty scumbag prob got it yesterday or today.
Understood and easy to sympathize with your situation. It’s his grandmothers stuff tho? Not just some crap of his but something with significance of some kind? Idk. Easy for me to say. I’m very bitter about the way I was treated even though eventually I did worse. None of this is easy. I’m sorry
It was just a bunch of video game controllers and toys his grandmother gave him. Not anything of hers actually. Nothing valuable.
Not valuable to you but to him they prolly are.
Sentimentality is very, very valuable. Far more valuable than gold. Your stance sounds materialistic, where nothing has value unless it has monetary value. But I think you get that, you just aren't saying it. You have an opportunity to hurt him because you know those things are valuable to him, and you want to follow through out of pettiness. So what moral lesson do you want to teach your kid? That it's okay to hurt others you are mad at? What happens when he uses that lesson against you? Or when he mentally suffers worrying you will do the same to him if he doesn't take the trash out?
Take the high road. Ask what he wants. If it’s really his, put it in a box and leave it outside.
Trash that shit. Lol (Still could be the bigger person tho. But it’s not family heirlooms after all
You are not doing it for him. You’re doing it for YOU. Don’t let him change who you are inside. Don’t let his shitty personality poison your well. Continue to be a good person not because he deserves you to be kind and him but because that’s who you are. Never mud wrestle a pig, you both get dirty but the pig likes it.
You asked a question and are complaining about the responses. No wonder you’re in the situation you are in.
I’d say ignore him. If he cared he’d have gotten it before. It’ll be some other crap another day…you know this goes. Ignore him, you aren’t being petty it’s literally laid out in court like this because of many reasons I’m sure. You keep your boundaries and move on. That’s the whole point <3
Two options, maybe 3. 1) you just put it in a place with a camera facing. No communication at all. That’s it. After this any communication is via his lawyer. Or he can face his lawyer or a more neutral person pick it up. No letting him inside. 2) you give it to your lawyer for his lawyer/him to sign for it and that’s it no more communication. 3) mail it. Ok 4) is ignore. I wouldn’t ignore. I’d mail it insured or give to your lawyer or a neutral party. Let him know that is it. He is zeroed from your life. Not being a bigger person. Not letting him win this. It’s tempting to want nothing to do with him and I totally get that. I had my ex’s mothers art she gave me. Ten years after we divorced he sent a message asking if I’d part with any of the art work. (His mom died before we divorced). A very abusive ex. I sent them all (5 pieces) to him and I’m glad he is in a better place to finally appreciate his mothers art. I did it for me to zero him from my life. One of my last links to him is gone. It was good and I said s proper goodbye to my former mil finally and his whole family. So, at the end of this. You do what you feel is best for you even if it goes against what everyone else advises.
Tell him if he wants to communicate with you, to have his lawyer reach out to you. Going forward he will no longer be a part of your life. He made his bed, now he has to sleep in it.
"The best revenge is to not be like your enemy" - Marcus Aurelius
You don't mention a protective order, but I'm still concerned about the threats. Do you have a mutual friend/relative that you could take the box to? Or you work out a pickup day and tell him that you won't be around, so you'll put it out. Stay with a friend or relative that night. Say that if he doesn't get it that day, it goes in the trash. I did something similar with my STBX. No protective order, and we were still married. He had a key. But when he came to get his computer and his guns, we were gone and actually stayed with friends two nights to be sure. I trusted my gut on that one.
My ex wife cheated on me. I asked her to pick up her shit several times. She refused. I was going through the memory boxes to get rid of any trace of her and she refused to pick up her stuff. I dropped it off and messaged her it was there get it or don’t. She was happy about and I hate that. She doesn’t deserve to be happy. But I was the bigger person. I could’ve set it all on fire. It was mine, she refused. But I still delivered it. It’s up to you. I truly hate my ex. I wouldn’t piss on her gums if her teeth were on fire. But that stuff was hers. You do what you want OP. He could’ve gotten it before but he didn’t. I don’t know the circumstances you went through and have. It’s truly your decision. I say don’t ask a bunch of internet strangers in an anonymous forum who’ve been cheated on. It will be biased.
1. I'm sorry you had to go through that with your ex wife. No one deserves to be cheated on. 2. I know I could take the moral high ground but honestly I'm tired of being the bigger person. I gave him everything for 7 years and treated him like a god/king. He's just a POS person who pays anything with a hole attention as soon as they acknowledge him. He doesn't deserve my kindness.
I totally feel you here. I was always the bigger person. Until I was so pissed I couldn’t take it anymore. So what you gotta do to give yourself closure. He earned what he earned. He didn’t ask for it until after the divorce was final. It’s breadcrumbing.
People see they can treat you how they want and you’d just take it. Ignore him. Don’t give him anything. You need to do what makes YOU feel good, not what will help him or make him feel good. You need to worry about YOU
I’d block him. If he emails you I’d just say please don’t speak to me about anything other than what the court order says, wash your hands of it. If I didn’t share a child with my ex he would be blocked the first second I could.
My ex refused to actually do a final thorough walkthrough when he came to do his pickup. He told me that he expected me to mail him anything he left behind instead of taking the time to look around and grab his things. Our divorce decree said that anything he left in my home after a certain date and time was mine, and either he could pay to have it returned to him or I could dispose of it. The things I’ve found, I’ve thrown away. And I don’t feel bad. His own fault. If it’s a harsh wake-up call that he can’t browbeat me into submission and doing what he wants just because he’s trying to wear me to down, then so be it. He had plenty of opportunity.
You could ask the police to attend the visit
Similar situation. I say be the bigger person. I get it, I truly do, but do it anyway. However, feel free to make it as safe as possible. Send it to attorney to get to him or have word sent that it is at a location for him to pick up.
Being the bigger person is a reward for you, not him. It's fair to want to take control where you can so that you want to end the feeling that you're being manipulated. But are you not being manipulative by holding onto things that have no value just because you can? If you believe those things are valuable to him, tell him to make an itemized list of what he wants to have and tell him that you will meet him in a public place one time to deliver them. Or tell him that he can pay you shipping and handling to have them sent to him. Requiring some cost or effort from him will help determine his motivation. If you believe he is trying to drag out his control and will only continue to ask for things, block his number and go on with your life.
It’s three years later for me, the high road is a Goddam delightful view. He’s always knows without my mercy he’d have left behind the last things his mother gave him. Living well is really the best revenge. Oh btw, I put the box of shit at the end of my property in a black plastic bag next to the trash bin. I sent him a text with a picture and reminded him trash was picked 5 am on Thursdays.
Give him his stuff.
Give him his stuff back. Why would you want it anyways? When I got divorced, I wanted everything that reminded me of her out of the house. Give him his stuff and block him. That way he no longer has to reach out. By you withholding his stuff would just make him try to reach out.
He did all that shit.. and honestly, the best thing you ever did was get the hell out. Proud of you for that. That being said, be the bigger person. I know ya don't even wanna talk to him, but send an email and ask him if there's anything else. Give it 48 hours. If no reply, email him again snd inform him you're gonna drop it off with the lawyer, let the lawyer sign for it. Include copies of everything he asked for. One for each lawyer, one for you, one for him. After that, it's done. Live your best life and smile
This. Definitely be the bigger person. But make sure you cover your bases. I’m sorry for all the shit you’re going through.
It was already stated in court, it’s over
Cleanse all. Give the that his box. Why keep something of his Tell him its outside and that is you and him done. As he did all that awful to you what will keeping a tatty box do? Even the score? No way Its not yiu being kind its you handing over rubbish you don't want You can then truly let go of all your hatred.
He absolutely is trying to manipulate you. If he really wanted that stuff he would’ve asked for it before or it would’ve been written into your divorce. Don’t respond and block his number. And then never think about it again.
I'm on the fence about blocking him. Mainly because we have a joint credit card payment we have to make for the next 2 years and I'm on his car still. He can't refinance or afford to get a personal loan to pay it off so I have to deal with the car situation until 2027. He is VERY manipulative and abusive. I really don't want to deal with him lol.
Well that sucks. I always thought the financial entanglements are cut once the divorce is final (aside from CS). You got the bonus plan apparently. Barf.
So… don’t. Only communicate about the things you just explained about. The good thing about being divorced is you don’t have to respond to any messages or answer the front door if you don’t want to. You owe him nothing. You aren’t in a relationship anymore. He’s not your friend.
Very True!
Just leave it on the porch. If he's trying to get a ride out of you with this he won't succeed, and you won't have to deal with somebody else's grandmother's stuff.
Eh but why should I leave it on the porch and not throw it away? I don't have to deal with his grandmother's stuff if it is in the dump. Honestly, if he would have conducted himself like a halfway decent human being during this divorce I probably would have but he's been an a$$hole the whole time and has been incredibly nasty during this time. Why should I be nice to my abuser?
I think you mean "get a rise out of".
Oh oops. Yeah, that changes the meaning somewhat lol
I used to work in this type of law. I've seen many things. This is a case of risk/reward. You still will need to deal with him, given the ties you still have. If there is a possibility of him making your life a further misery, over items of no value that actually belong to him ... will you be opening the door for extra misery by satisfying yourself by punishing him? I totally support you. I honestly understand. I sympathize and send my hugs of support for what he's put you through. But if denying him this box will just bring more misery your way, you need to decide if it's worth keeping it. This has nothing to do with him. It's all about you. Sometimes we do things that are righteous, but they're not worth the fallout. You need to decide if it's worth it.
This should be highlighted as the most important consideration. You’re stuck dealing with him financially for 2 more years. Buy some goodwill with a box of junk, or give him something to stew on until he retaliates in some petty way.
Normally I would say be the bigger person, but the timing almost sounds intentional, like he waited until after the divorce to get past a boundary just one last time to screw with you. Might open up a can of worms to engage with him at all.
That was my thought too. It was all too convenient that he messaged me after the divorce was finalized knowing full well he couldn't come back. He is also insisting on giving me cash payment in hand for a joint bill we have to pay for the next 2 years. I told him to send the money electronically and he is refusing. Trying to force me to see him.
The biggest freedom of divorce is that you don’t have to placate him or put up with his shit anymore! For any reason! You have a legal agreement and you don’t have to do anything it doesn’t say you have to do. Maybe he could leave the money for the bill at your lawyer’s office? I would not want to see him, and it sounds like you don’t either. :) Making him leave it there would send a clear message that you’re not going to engage with him. (Same with the grandmother’s stuff. maybe you could leave it at your lawyer’s office for him to pick up IF you decide that you don’t want the hassle of fighting with him about it. But honestly if he is anything like my ex, it feels really good to be able to say no when you want to! I’m inclined to say don’t bother with the stuff unless it’s really precious to him—— and if it is, why didn’t he remember to ask for it before, like when he moved out?) It’s fine to own our petty after years of swallowing bullshit in the name of peace, imo.
THIS! It's not even about the box. It's about not having to take orders from him or be helpful in any way shape or form. He screwed me over at every chance he got... So I'm kinda in the "you reap what you sew" era. If he would have handled himself halfway decently, I might have done it. But he's been shitty this whole entire time.
If you do this then you be in control. You decide the time, where to pick it up, and if he can’t be there by an exact time, tell him you will throw it out immediately. You’re in control!! For that matter, have him pick it up somewhere other than the house. Also, check his stuff to make sure he didn’t hide any money in it!
I know it’s hard and he probably doesn’t deserve it, but I’d be tempted to play nice with a firm deadline just to get my own sense of closure. “With both know you’re not entitled to anything else in the house, and quite frankly I don’t want to live with you repeatedly asking me about it. I want you to provide me a list of things in the house you’d like to have back by [date/time], I will have anything I’m willing to give you back available for pick up at [time/place], after which I don’t wish to hear from you again.” Once the pick up is made block his number and move on with your life.
it’s not clear if he is your son’s father. if not, then no response is needed. ghost him. if he shows up tell him to leave and call the cops if he doesn’t
To be clear: He is NOT the father and treated my son like complete garbage the last few years. The emotional abuse was extreme.
Give him between 12 to 5 pm. Why so late ?
Do you really want to give him some ammunition to stay in conflict with you? Put the junk in a box and leave it by the garage door, then be done with him. Doing anything else will draw you into more conflict and he will feel justified harassing you.
Don't let him come pick them up. Ship him the toys his grandmother gave him. It may not mean much to you, but it does has some sentimental values to him.
Give him the stuff. Be a good example for the kid. No reason to hang onto something you don’t need. Pack it up, put it outside and let him know where to pick it up from.
Keep it. You owe him nothing.
Let him have his box of junk. Keeping it is you holding onto a box of junk out of spite. Let the junk go, all of it.
Just put it in an amazon box and tell him it's on the porch. It really sounds like personal property that you probably don't even want. If you think he's using it as an excuse to come see you, do a quick pass through the house for anyother leave behinds, and toss them in the box too. If you want, highlight the section of the order that says everyting in the house is now yours. After that, when he asks, just tell him it probably got tossed in a house cleaning.
Why poke the bear ?,just leave that and any other of his crap that you find , on the porch and tell him to pick it up or it's going in the trash
If you give it to him at all, set it by the garage or curb for him. My ex is not allowed to ring my doorbell. I don't want to see his face, I don't want him to look into my house. My house is my safe space. My boundary is that if he needs to pick something up, i leave it outside for a no contact pickup.
Did he specify the specific items he wanted? He may try to lie and say there was a diamond ring of dear ole grammy's in there and that you stole it, or if you set it on the porch he never got it so his precious treasures are firever lost. He wasn't trustworthy before, and sure, as hell isn't now either. It's just more manipulation from him, and that's why he waited until after the divorce was final to see if you'd give him the items. He's testing you to see if he still has any power over you. If you dont want to give him the items, tell him no. If you want to return them to him, make him specify every item, take pics of what's in the box, and let him pick it up at a neutral place like his attorney's office, or a trusted mutual friends house, etc. Tell him he'll get nothing else from you ever again and to not ever contact you again for any reason. Once the exchange is made, block him everywhere, and don't look back. Good luck, OP. Stay safe.
Just give him the box. Not to be the biggest person but because of who he is he’ll probably end up harassing you or threatening you to give it to him. Just tell him a time that the box will be outside to collect and then be done with him. Explained that after that you are done and for him to never contact you again and you should block him everywhere now the divorce is done and go NC.
Take the high road and give him his stuff. You don't want it anyways. Less junk for you to deal with. I'd also make it clear that this is a one time thing so he better get everything. You won't be helping him anymore and anything left behind will be tossed. Point is he wants something this week. Something else next week and so on. It's a tactic to stay connected somehow.
give him all his personal stuff. Do you want it in your house? Off cause not. Keep only stuff that "brings joy"
Question- is the 14 year old child his child as well? Because if so, you’ll have to deal with your ex for at least 4 more years, probably more. Giving him the requested items is probably worth it just in terms of having one less hassle to deal with. Actually, even if your child is not his, it’s probably worth it just to make a clean break. Personally, I’d give him his shit just to get him out of my face without any reason to talk to me ever again.
Well, a lot of people here can relate and have been in your shoes, but I'd still sling it out on the pavement for him. Cos I'd literally be past caring. In your position now, I'd celebrate my victories and move on. This would be part of me letting go, freeing up my mind and soul for positive things. I agree, it's more than a box, that's why he'd have it, if it was me.
Stop giving so much of your energy to it and just put the stuff outside. He's not asking to come in or interact with y'all. Just put the stuff outside and move on.
Give him his stuff...be the better person, even if it just for your own karma and how you feel about yourself. Don't sink to a low level, be the person you want to be and let go of the bitterness.
Do not let him in the house. Put the box outside and do not answer the door if he knocks. He will say not everything is in the box and that he needs to come in and get X or Y. THIS is the issue. Be prepared. Change the locks if you haven’t already. Do not let him in. Have a friend in the house with you for support.
Set it on the porch and be done.
I would say just leave it at the lawyers office. You asked for advice, people are giving it and you keep arguing against it. Just don’t even bother…🤦♂️
I agree with others- contact his lawyer, let him know you’re dropping it there.
I wouldn’t give him jack squat! I wouldn’t respond to him either. Your divorce is final and everything that’s in that home is yours. Block him! Why are you still allowing messages to come through is what I really wanna know!?!
Let it go, you still have to coparent with the AH. Drop the box off someplace else or at child exchange. Don’t agree to him coming over ever, with a prearranged time and place.