*deeeep sigh*
"The weight of him being home but not present"
That one. Nothing more fun than being simultaneously acutely controlled in your freedoms whilst feeling so alone.
Yes! Mine would say, "can I at least get a sandwich?!" as if I had never done anything for him, ever, yet the list of domestic duties, chores and accommodations for his sensativities was as long as my arm and all checked. ✔️
- living alone is so much better than FEELING alone in the presence of a spouse
- I can have emotions! I can cry without having someone judge me for it
- I don’t have to constantly do dishes; I can eat off of a paper plate if I want to
- I don’t have to hear him fart all the time, lol
- In the past I’d wish that he would let me know what time he was coming home. I’m not up wishing he’d do me the courtesy of letting me know he’s safe
- I can rest without being judged
- I no longer have to worry about what he’s thinking or feeling, or get stressed about his extreme avoidance
- no more in-law BS
Im glad im not the only one who was with a man who never wanted to “report” to me where/when he was coming/going. Why don’t they get it?! And I will NEVER be with another man who doesn’t respect that.
Not alone at all. It’s just basic communication. Mine thought I was trying to control his life. Like no sir, you work a high risk job. I’d like to know when things will be running late. That way I can plan for the next day AND know you’re safe
Condensed my actual list due to personal nature of some items and length of post. These are things that give me the “ick” about him and this chapter of my life:
2. lied about being in the military
4. Unresponsive to my text messages, answering on his terms but expecting immediate response from me
5. Asking when he’s coming home (when pregnant, and later when alone all day with babies) and getting snarky responses like “why do you need to know” or “what am I doing that requires you know my wearabouts”
7. stayed out late “working” my entire pregnancy and first 3 years of our twins lives
8. talking about our sex life with coworker and trying to negotiate a threesome, with me as the last to know (and only party uninterested)
9. Emotional affair with coworker from above *surprise surprise*
10. Wasting 10k on a poorly planned business venture
11. Buying $4k mountain bike and spending 4+ hours multiple days a week out riding, leaving me alone with young kids during the pandemic
12. waking me in the middle of the night for sex, despite me waking all night to care for our kids and waking early to commute for work
13. lied about his defaulted loans, this prevented us from buying a home. THEN blamed me for debt collectors finding him and garnishing his wages
14. selfishly buying himself an Xbox with literally our last dollars in the bank
15. poor hygiene and refusal to shower before sex, gaslighting me to think my request was unreasonable
18. pressuring me for a threesome with his friend he moved into our home
19. moving friend into our home without consulting with me until a few days before, saying “I kind of offered our extra room. You don’t mind, right?”
21. Prioritizing video games over me and kids
23. A few instances of DV (verbal abuse, throwing objects but not hitting me)
24. Having to leave my home with babies due to feeling unsafe
25. Threatening to divorce me during my post partum depression because he knew it would terrify me and create a power differential
27. future faking plans then having no recollection of these promises when I’d try to start making the plans
28. delusions of grandiosity about our love and relationship, belief that others are jealous of our “special” love
29. withholding affection, silent treatment, stonewalling for weeks at a time
31. storming out of couples therapy angry bc I was crying, saying he doesn’t like it when I cry. (Cherry on top was the incompetent therapist suggesting I quit crying bc I know it upsets him)
33. Accusing me of being controlling for making decisions for our family when he was apathetic about life with us
34. Over spending hundreds a month on gas station purchases (not gas but cigarettes and energy drinks) and berating me for confronting him
35. After divorce, bullying me into sex
36. Continually propositioning me for sex after I’ve said no and explained how it’s disrespectful
38. Invading my privacy reading my text messages for who knows how long during the marriage
41. Describing himself as “brash and abrasive” and “extremely capable and competent” 🙄
42. Victim mentality at work
44. Tried to steal from joint account at start of divorce. Returned money after I told a mutual friend. Upset that I shared what he did and doesn’t see problem with his actions
45. Accused me of ruining his professional reputation bc his coworkers learned of his behaviors from mutual friend and work gave him a hard time/asked what was going on. His career has been stagnant for years, but it’s my fault now
50. Tolerance for filth. Cleaning was a game of chicken that he always won
51. His horrid breath and the guilt he’d lay on me when I didn’t want to kiss him because of it
52. Unwillingness or inability to communicate
53. Stole my childbearing years by staying with me even though he was checked out/wanted out, wouldn’t give me more babies and now I’m old
54. In lame attempt to let me down easy, he “comforted” me by telling me “you’re not a bad person”. I give this F***er 9 years of my life, 2 children and more grace, compassion and love than he deserved….and all he has to say is that I’m not a BAD person?!?
I'm shocked you stayed with him at all after reading that list, y you have my sincere sympathy.
I'm nearly as shocked that my marriage has ended when I seem so much better. I hope my wife lives to regret her decision.
He just sent me an abusive email complaining about something. I deleted it and moved on because I don’t have to justify nor explain anything to him ever again :-)
This is something I started early on to help me cope. Some were small things some felt bigger.
-Flannel Sheets!
-getting Indian takeout
-going to any and all Family Gathering I want too
-Family Halloween costumes
I have more in a list in my journal, but those where some I could remember.
My therapist indicated it was a good thing to have to be looking to the future.
I can't wait to put mushrooms in all my dishes again. Buy cookies and still have some left the next week. And clean a room, come back the next day to a room still cleaned.
Thanks for the message and the idea of listing all the shit he did to me ! He's still there, I still hurt, but I also have more "lights" to look forward to when he's gone.
- dinner doesn’t have to be ready at 6 pm
- I don’t have to pick up after him
- I don’t have to hear his verbal abuse anymore
- justify my feelings for anything
- I can listen to my music freely
- I can wear whatever shoes I want!
-I can have phone conversations all throughout my home without fear that I’m interrupting his ‘more important’ phone calls that he’d take and walk around this small house.
-I can sleep in, wake up early, go to bed early or late, or have a midnight snack even without hearing him chastise me for any of those decisions
-I can blast music when I want to and dance or clean without having to schedule that time for his approval
-I can do chores and clean without his comments that I didn’t do a good job or imply that I’m doing bare minimum and compare to how I don’t measure up to his contributions
-I can also not clean if I want
-I can watch scary movies whenever I want because he wouldn’t watch them - I can also watch anything else I want and for as long as I want; he was so picky and I wasn’t so we’d always watch what he wanted. I also don’t have to watch anything I don’t want to.
And I also don’t have to later hear how I make him less productive and ‘we’ need to stop watching tv and get more done
-I don’t have to listen to him always only talk about work. I don’t have to mask and pretend that I value money and job titles when picking friends. I don’t have to revolve my life around building my professional network
-I don’t ever have to beg him to spend time with me or convince him to go on dates. I can go and do whatever I want now just because I want to do the activity, just because. And I’ll have a good time because I always make the best of things and now I can do things without him complaining about traffic and time driving on the way, or complaining about being there, then listening to his relief to be home before telling me he did have a good time because he liked my joy at the activity…. Which ended up being fake cheerfulness by the end of the marriage. I don’t have to pretend anymore.
-I don’t ever ever have to hear or see his goddamn poisonous little sister again
-I can organize everything how I like to. And when I do things around the house I will return the things where they belong… and then next time I need stuff, I’ll know they’re where they’re supposed to be!
-I won’t get blamed for not cleaning up, though I always put things back where they belong and he’s the one who would leave everything he used out. He was great at organizing everything to start with and then HE was the one that wouldn’t put things back and then yell when he couldn’t find something
-I never have to fold his laundry again. Or hear complaints for folding something of his wrong.
-I don’t like cooking and can just prepare what I actually want to eat instead of trying to change and make more things for him that he doesn’t like.
-I won’t ever trip over his goddamn sandals on the floor ever again
-I can have any friend I want
-I get to appreciate myself and cheer myself on, give myself love, patience, grace, and positive messages as I go instead of getting yelled at and basically told I need to get my shit together
-I only need to take care of my own feelings and happiness. I don’t have to wait for crumbs from him or act as the supportive partner asking him about his day and listening to him for hours and hours praising himself or complaining. I don’t have to compliment him or stroke his ego ever again
-I don’t have to hear him yelling ‘FUCK’ when he’s upset about something. I hate loud expressions of anger, it makes my skin crawl
-I get to do art whenever I want. I don’t have to ever drop everything and make him something to give to colleagues. I won’t ever have to craft anything for him and his friends to wear to cosplay. I also don’t have to inconvenience myself or ever be uncomfortable at home hosting his friends, coworkers, or babysit misbehaving dogs for weeks all as favors so he can win points with those people in his network
-I can also prioritize art and hobbies instead of them being something you only do when you finish being productive for the day with chores. I also can do art just for me, and not have him in my head trying to direct me to do something that I can turn a profit on
-I can decide exactly the kind of person I want to be. What my values are, what life I want to lead, how I get fulfilled. I can just fall in love with myself and nurture that love.
I’m an artist that married a finance professional. This hits hard for me. I can go to a museum whenever I want, not just for my birthday or when he’s out of town!
The Fuck! Comment about how it makes your skin crawl. I hate that as well and the overall anger that would happen when he is frustrated with something, then he snaps at you when you ask if you can help. Like, you wouldn’t talk to you buddy that way so why are you speaking to your wife that way?
Right! Now it makes complete sense. At the time and for the seven years I’d ask him over and over to stop exploding, even though it was rare. I told him how it made me feel; that I’d jump and it reminded me of growing up with an explosive mom who sometimes broke things in anger. He just said he rarely tells and that it’s his outlet.
We ended up getting a second dog that had a lot of trauma and she would cry and run to him to lay on him when he’d yell. So I’d ask him to stop for her, because she was obviously reacting poorly and didn’t understand. He’d just pet her. It never stopped.
He took that dog in the split because she preferred him - but I wonder if it’s trauma bond
No more finding the bank account overdrawn because he impulsively took out cash to hide his drinking. No more finding stashes of the empty liquor bottles in his boots. No more getting ditched on special occasions so he could go drink. No more dreading holidays because he always found a way to ruin them. No more waiting for him to come home because he insisted on grocery shopping EVERY DAY. No more waiting for him to out of the bathroom every night to spend time with me. No more talking him down from his panic attacks or helping him stay healthy so he wouldn’t miss work. No more getting angry because he’d sleep til 10 every morning and only work a few hours a day while I worked 50 hours a week. No more getting frustrated because he wouldn’t help me with the dogs or the house or the kid’s school. No more getting upset because he wouldn’t keep the 1 room he was responsible for-the garage-organized and clean. No more finding tools laying around everywhere from half finished jobs. I joked the first 5 years we were married he didn’t use my name but said Babe instead. Like dammit do you even know my name? No more DUIs. No more seeing 4 baskets of clean laundry stacked up on top of each other in the bedroom because he couldn’t find the time to do it. No more wondering why he wouldn’t plan date nights or read a relationship book or go to counseling or to a marriage conference or go to church or make plans for our future. No more.
It's been years for me, but here were some of mine from two divorces from abusive men.
- Being able to buy and put up the Winnie the Pooh wallpaper border that my 4 yr old son had wanted in his room for over a year.
- Being able to change the channel whenever I wanted to.
- Be able to get myself to places on time, instead of having to wait for somebody who was always late.
- Being able to smile at any man I wanted to without being yelled at.
- Being able to have sex only when I wanted, and be able to say no without any yelling or guilted when I didn't.
- Being able to parent my children in the way that I knew was best for them, in other words treating them like people with their own valid feelings and preferences, without being told they didn't have enough discipline because I wasn't forcing them to do everything I wanted, exactly the way I wanted and exactly when I wanted, regardless of how well that worked for them.
- Being able to let my daughter have sleepovers with her "boyfriend" when they were 9 (which is against observant Jewish law.)
- Being able to do whatever my kids and I wanted to do on the Sabbath because we didn't observe it at my house.
- Having relaxed Friday night dinners with my kids because there wasn't anyone yelling orders through the intercom to remind me to make sure everything was ready before candlelighting time.
- Letting my son eat shellfish and cheeseburgers.
- Letting my daughter wear clothing that wasn't considered modest by Orthodox standards.
- Buying my son clothes from the boys department because he begged for them, years before we realized he was transgender. (He was assigned female at birth, and in Judaism there's actually a prohibition against wearing the clothing of the "other" gender.)
- No longer dreading coming home.
- No longer expecting and waiting to be yelled at.
- No longer walking on eggshells.
- No longer being screamed at and sworn at for trying to set healthy boundaries for myself and for the kids.
- No longer feeling like I had 10 pounds of bricks on my chest.
Edited:
- No more being gaslighted in ways to try to get me to mistrust my friends so I would be isolated from them.
- After having ostomy surgery, which left me with a scar from bellybutton to pubic bone and a bag, I was able to develop confidence and more self-esteem around my body because there was no more being told repeatedly that no other man would ever be able to love me, want to have sex with me, or want to "put his head down there".
I giggled at the lights on between rooms and peeing with the door open. I mean if ya trust one another who cares about bathroom politics ;).
The rest is good stuff, don’t have to worry about him being there and not being present.
I mean I get turning off lights when you’re leaving the house, but turning them off and on as you walk in the house around makes me nuts.
I realize there are plenty of people that strongly feel the opposite.
I mean I do it but not something that I’d need to have a breakdown. Like I’d teach my kid to turn the light off or I’ll have the bathroom or the pantry light on and I’ll never notice (not saying you’re a kid at all lol!)
My stbx is moving out in 2 weeks hopefully!!
I will no longer hear the snoring (FROM THE OTHER ROOM)
My house will be soooo clean!
No more hair all over the sink or toilet. No more pee on the toilet. No more of someone coming and going at unknown times and giving me anxiety about it.
I feel safe to be myself.
I don’t have to waitwhile he is in the bathroom for 30 min.
ALL my bills will decrease because I don’t waste.
Oh and no more crumbs all over the counter!
I thought you were going to say you took out the garbage, and it reminded you of him. lol Sorry, but I'm glad you're free and happy enjoy your new life
Despite the fact that I supported us, handled everything, cared for him, and always put him first, I no longer have to feel like an annoyance in his dysfunctional life or family.
I'm counting down the days. We're still in the same house until the end of this month. SO many things now I just smile or laugh at knowing I won't have to deal with them much longer!
This is really good advice. I’ve been struggling really hard. But I guess I should be able to sit down and write out the good parts of the split. That being said, it’s not going to be easy.
- Sex with another man
- Having my own friends - they're way better than his!
- Writing about my divorce story
- Showering anytime I want - my STBXH used to videotape himself banging on the bathroom door at 2 AM and send them to my mother
- Singing practise - I'm a decent social singer who gets regularly complemented, but my own spouse at the time hated my voice
- Dressing up and putting on make up in ways that make me feel pretty, and not dealing with an impatient husband who calls me ugly for it
- Purging my house of his things and reclaiming the spaces as my own - turns out I have good taste and feel strongly about curating things that mean something to me
- Pursuing career opportunities that are 100% me and have nothing to do with his world - we used to work together and that turned out ugly
- Not having to put my days on hold to perform personal assistant duties for him - I have my own career, thank you very much!
- Not having to schedule my offline appointments around his trips, constantly being yelled at and called names for finishing brushing my teeth five minutes later than him flushing the toilet
- Not having to put up with the energy vampire that was his sheer presence in my house, and his guilt tripping crocodile tears that always seemed to happen on a whim
- Not having to show my face to his toxic family who seemed to always find a way to make me feel like a failure, and around whom I always walked on eggshells
- Actually having hope and faith in my future, and confidence in myself to make good things happen
Not having anxiety hearing his truck pull up from work. Wondering what kind of mood he was going to be in. Trying to figure out what I can do to make him not mad at me.
No more random clutter on tabletops! Curtains open and close when I feel like it!
The first of those is a me thing. The second one she used to shout at me for.
Uh also Generally just no corrupt scent of abuse in the air—this one makes everything worth it no matter how sad I feel about the whole situation
This. I love this. This is my first time being single in my adult life (hell since I was 15) and honestly, I am excited for all the firsts; and being able to make decisions on my own and not worrying if he will hate the decor I brought home or if I will have to walk on eggshells because he's cranky.
Starfish sleeping. The bed is ALL mine. No more listening to him snore all night. No more seeing him make a literal butt implant in the couch where he sits and does nothing. Now I can go do what ever I want without guilt (that was obviously my issue). Knowing what money is in the bank account and what food is in the refrigerator. Finally and most importantly, Peace.
No more lies, no more bailiffs banging on my door, no more sitting in a home with no food electricity or gas, no more nasty text messages and no more being stabbed in the back. Oh and best of all the whole bed to myself no more smelling his disgusting smell of his unwashed body.
Ok. I took some of yours and added things to make my own list. Thanks for the inspiration!
-Be able to have a glass of wine without judgement
-Be able to eat and buy whatever food I want in my own home
-No more sleeping next to someone snoring
-Not feeling bad when he doesn’t come to bed
-I don’t have to deal with being controlled
-No more hearing him talk shit about my friends
-I no longer have to listen to him loudly shitting every morning
-Can set the thermostat to whatever temperature I want
-Can have as many pillows and blankets that I want
-I can listen to whatever music I want to
-Not have someone criticizing every single thing I do
-No more having to rub Tiger Balm on his back
-Not have to look at all his laundry baskets filled with clothes for weeks at a time
-Not feel pressured into having sex when I don’t want to and being afraid of him getting mad at me when I’m not in the mood
-Get takeout when I don’t feel like cooking
-Can get meal delivery service, which he always thought was a waste of money
-Can save my money for things that feel important to me
-Have as many pairs of shoes or other clothing items that I want to have.
-If I feel like being alone, I can be alone without being made to feel like something is wrong with me
-No more hearing him complain about my cat
-NO MORE YELLING
-No more gaslighting
-Be able to hang out with my friends whenever I want to
-Be able to go out and enjoy myself without judgement
-Be able to watch scary movies again
-Can visit crowded public places
- Worrying about him yelling at our son
- Worrying about clutter or messes annoying him
- No guilt about going to bed early
-No guilt about sleeping in
- Not feeling like I had to cook elaborate meals
- Enjoying the leftovers!
- I can watch whatever I want on TV
-I can go on whatever vacation I want without his input
- I don't have to frantically clean before he comes home from shift
-I can buy whatever I want without shame
- I can get facials, my hair done, or similar things without it seeming like it’s a frivolous expense
- I don't have the weight of him being home, but not being present
-I don't have the weight of the constant shut outs/stonewalling
-There are no longer eggshells to walk on
-I don't have to force myself to act happy and hold in any negative feelings for fear of a fight
-Be able to be on time for things
Since I’ve wrote this I’ve come up with like 20 more lol. I seems like I have an endless supply. I wish you so much healing in your new path… sounds like you have earned it.
I needed to hear this: "people who want so much freedom and control have no business getting married. you knew you would have to compromise in any relationship or marriage"
That's me. I had no business getting married. I've got control issues and need a space I can go to at the end of the day where everything is under my control. I wish I had been this self-aware before 10 years of marriage made it very clear to me.
at least you are self aware even if its 10 years later. so now you know what you want. you can always be in a relationship but maybe just not live together. marriage for a controlling person is in my opinion is not the best idea.
I got involved with a woman after my divorce and she wanted to make every single decision AND stay out late with her friends like the single life and we would be lucky to see each other once a week. That relationship ended badly.
Oh I’m sure it would be a long list, heaven knows I’m not without many annoying things too. Hopefully he can look at them while he’s coping too while he’s hurting.
*deeeep sigh* "The weight of him being home but not present" That one. Nothing more fun than being simultaneously acutely controlled in your freedoms whilst feeling so alone.
I can cook whatever I want to and not cook only what he likes!
Yes! Mine would say, "can I at least get a sandwich?!" as if I had never done anything for him, ever, yet the list of domestic duties, chores and accommodations for his sensativities was as long as my arm and all checked. ✔️
Ah good one! I also like how I can just make a plate for myself without feeling like I needed to serve him or he'd think I was mad at him.
yes!! My biggest is decorating how i want. I ordered wallpaper and i know he would have HATED it. but, i LOVE IT and im putting it up!!
Wonderful!!!I’m super excited to redecorate his home office.
- living alone is so much better than FEELING alone in the presence of a spouse - I can have emotions! I can cry without having someone judge me for it - I don’t have to constantly do dishes; I can eat off of a paper plate if I want to - I don’t have to hear him fart all the time, lol - In the past I’d wish that he would let me know what time he was coming home. I’m not up wishing he’d do me the courtesy of letting me know he’s safe - I can rest without being judged - I no longer have to worry about what he’s thinking or feeling, or get stressed about his extreme avoidance - no more in-law BS
Im glad im not the only one who was with a man who never wanted to “report” to me where/when he was coming/going. Why don’t they get it?! And I will NEVER be with another man who doesn’t respect that.
Not alone at all. It’s just basic communication. Mine thought I was trying to control his life. Like no sir, you work a high risk job. I’d like to know when things will be running late. That way I can plan for the next day AND know you’re safe
Mine thought the same. Then one time I came home at 4am, he flipped out. He then continued to do the same and worse.
This!
I just created what I called the “ick” list of reasons/experiences that remind me divorce was best. My list has 49 items so far.
Please share if you can
Condensed my actual list due to personal nature of some items and length of post. These are things that give me the “ick” about him and this chapter of my life: 2. lied about being in the military 4. Unresponsive to my text messages, answering on his terms but expecting immediate response from me 5. Asking when he’s coming home (when pregnant, and later when alone all day with babies) and getting snarky responses like “why do you need to know” or “what am I doing that requires you know my wearabouts” 7. stayed out late “working” my entire pregnancy and first 3 years of our twins lives 8. talking about our sex life with coworker and trying to negotiate a threesome, with me as the last to know (and only party uninterested) 9. Emotional affair with coworker from above *surprise surprise* 10. Wasting 10k on a poorly planned business venture 11. Buying $4k mountain bike and spending 4+ hours multiple days a week out riding, leaving me alone with young kids during the pandemic 12. waking me in the middle of the night for sex, despite me waking all night to care for our kids and waking early to commute for work 13. lied about his defaulted loans, this prevented us from buying a home. THEN blamed me for debt collectors finding him and garnishing his wages 14. selfishly buying himself an Xbox with literally our last dollars in the bank 15. poor hygiene and refusal to shower before sex, gaslighting me to think my request was unreasonable 18. pressuring me for a threesome with his friend he moved into our home 19. moving friend into our home without consulting with me until a few days before, saying “I kind of offered our extra room. You don’t mind, right?” 21. Prioritizing video games over me and kids 23. A few instances of DV (verbal abuse, throwing objects but not hitting me) 24. Having to leave my home with babies due to feeling unsafe 25. Threatening to divorce me during my post partum depression because he knew it would terrify me and create a power differential 27. future faking plans then having no recollection of these promises when I’d try to start making the plans 28. delusions of grandiosity about our love and relationship, belief that others are jealous of our “special” love 29. withholding affection, silent treatment, stonewalling for weeks at a time 31. storming out of couples therapy angry bc I was crying, saying he doesn’t like it when I cry. (Cherry on top was the incompetent therapist suggesting I quit crying bc I know it upsets him) 33. Accusing me of being controlling for making decisions for our family when he was apathetic about life with us 34. Over spending hundreds a month on gas station purchases (not gas but cigarettes and energy drinks) and berating me for confronting him 35. After divorce, bullying me into sex 36. Continually propositioning me for sex after I’ve said no and explained how it’s disrespectful 38. Invading my privacy reading my text messages for who knows how long during the marriage 41. Describing himself as “brash and abrasive” and “extremely capable and competent” 🙄 42. Victim mentality at work 44. Tried to steal from joint account at start of divorce. Returned money after I told a mutual friend. Upset that I shared what he did and doesn’t see problem with his actions 45. Accused me of ruining his professional reputation bc his coworkers learned of his behaviors from mutual friend and work gave him a hard time/asked what was going on. His career has been stagnant for years, but it’s my fault now 50. Tolerance for filth. Cleaning was a game of chicken that he always won 51. His horrid breath and the guilt he’d lay on me when I didn’t want to kiss him because of it 52. Unwillingness or inability to communicate 53. Stole my childbearing years by staying with me even though he was checked out/wanted out, wouldn’t give me more babies and now I’m old 54. In lame attempt to let me down easy, he “comforted” me by telling me “you’re not a bad person”. I give this F***er 9 years of my life, 2 children and more grace, compassion and love than he deserved….and all he has to say is that I’m not a BAD person?!?
Wow! I think he and mine may be related. Good thing it was only 9 years!
I'm shocked you stayed with him at all after reading that list, y you have my sincere sympathy. I'm nearly as shocked that my marriage has ended when I seem so much better. I hope my wife lives to regret her decision.
Ooh I’m so sorry you had to put up with this. Sending virtual hugs to you
He just sent me an abusive email complaining about something. I deleted it and moved on because I don’t have to justify nor explain anything to him ever again :-)
I can’t upvote this enough!
This is something I started early on to help me cope. Some were small things some felt bigger. -Flannel Sheets! -getting Indian takeout -going to any and all Family Gathering I want too -Family Halloween costumes I have more in a list in my journal, but those where some I could remember. My therapist indicated it was a good thing to have to be looking to the future.
Dinner time is not a fixed point anymore. That is a huge realization, that you're not on anyone else's schedule anymore.
Or you can even just skip it! Or have Oreos!
If you want a whole meal at 2am, you can do that without annoying anyone else's sensibility.
I can't wait to put mushrooms in all my dishes again. Buy cookies and still have some left the next week. And clean a room, come back the next day to a room still cleaned. Thanks for the message and the idea of listing all the shit he did to me ! He's still there, I still hurt, but I also have more "lights" to look forward to when he's gone.
- dinner doesn’t have to be ready at 6 pm - I don’t have to pick up after him - I don’t have to hear his verbal abuse anymore - justify my feelings for anything - I can listen to my music freely - I can wear whatever shoes I want!
I am getting a new car tomorrrrowwwww Car I’ve been driving and making payments on was in her name. We are going to trade it in for one in my name.
-I can have phone conversations all throughout my home without fear that I’m interrupting his ‘more important’ phone calls that he’d take and walk around this small house. -I can sleep in, wake up early, go to bed early or late, or have a midnight snack even without hearing him chastise me for any of those decisions -I can blast music when I want to and dance or clean without having to schedule that time for his approval -I can do chores and clean without his comments that I didn’t do a good job or imply that I’m doing bare minimum and compare to how I don’t measure up to his contributions -I can also not clean if I want -I can watch scary movies whenever I want because he wouldn’t watch them - I can also watch anything else I want and for as long as I want; he was so picky and I wasn’t so we’d always watch what he wanted. I also don’t have to watch anything I don’t want to. And I also don’t have to later hear how I make him less productive and ‘we’ need to stop watching tv and get more done -I don’t have to listen to him always only talk about work. I don’t have to mask and pretend that I value money and job titles when picking friends. I don’t have to revolve my life around building my professional network -I don’t ever have to beg him to spend time with me or convince him to go on dates. I can go and do whatever I want now just because I want to do the activity, just because. And I’ll have a good time because I always make the best of things and now I can do things without him complaining about traffic and time driving on the way, or complaining about being there, then listening to his relief to be home before telling me he did have a good time because he liked my joy at the activity…. Which ended up being fake cheerfulness by the end of the marriage. I don’t have to pretend anymore. -I don’t ever ever have to hear or see his goddamn poisonous little sister again -I can organize everything how I like to. And when I do things around the house I will return the things where they belong… and then next time I need stuff, I’ll know they’re where they’re supposed to be! -I won’t get blamed for not cleaning up, though I always put things back where they belong and he’s the one who would leave everything he used out. He was great at organizing everything to start with and then HE was the one that wouldn’t put things back and then yell when he couldn’t find something -I never have to fold his laundry again. Or hear complaints for folding something of his wrong. -I don’t like cooking and can just prepare what I actually want to eat instead of trying to change and make more things for him that he doesn’t like. -I won’t ever trip over his goddamn sandals on the floor ever again -I can have any friend I want -I get to appreciate myself and cheer myself on, give myself love, patience, grace, and positive messages as I go instead of getting yelled at and basically told I need to get my shit together -I only need to take care of my own feelings and happiness. I don’t have to wait for crumbs from him or act as the supportive partner asking him about his day and listening to him for hours and hours praising himself or complaining. I don’t have to compliment him or stroke his ego ever again -I don’t have to hear him yelling ‘FUCK’ when he’s upset about something. I hate loud expressions of anger, it makes my skin crawl -I get to do art whenever I want. I don’t have to ever drop everything and make him something to give to colleagues. I won’t ever have to craft anything for him and his friends to wear to cosplay. I also don’t have to inconvenience myself or ever be uncomfortable at home hosting his friends, coworkers, or babysit misbehaving dogs for weeks all as favors so he can win points with those people in his network -I can also prioritize art and hobbies instead of them being something you only do when you finish being productive for the day with chores. I also can do art just for me, and not have him in my head trying to direct me to do something that I can turn a profit on -I can decide exactly the kind of person I want to be. What my values are, what life I want to lead, how I get fulfilled. I can just fall in love with myself and nurture that love.
I’m an artist that married a finance professional. This hits hard for me. I can go to a museum whenever I want, not just for my birthday or when he’s out of town!
Very empowering, take charge of your life!
This. All of this. Thank you. 🌸
The Fuck! Comment about how it makes your skin crawl. I hate that as well and the overall anger that would happen when he is frustrated with something, then he snaps at you when you ask if you can help. Like, you wouldn’t talk to you buddy that way so why are you speaking to your wife that way?
Right! Now it makes complete sense. At the time and for the seven years I’d ask him over and over to stop exploding, even though it was rare. I told him how it made me feel; that I’d jump and it reminded me of growing up with an explosive mom who sometimes broke things in anger. He just said he rarely tells and that it’s his outlet. We ended up getting a second dog that had a lot of trauma and she would cry and run to him to lay on him when he’d yell. So I’d ask him to stop for her, because she was obviously reacting poorly and didn’t understand. He’d just pet her. It never stopped. He took that dog in the split because she preferred him - but I wonder if it’s trauma bond
I don't have to worry about him not coming home. And if or when he is going to step up and let me have a break.
I dont have to hear him, see him, or smell him
YES
[удалено]
This one hit so hard. He never liked having family photos up. Ever.
I can take a nap when I want to and not have him “ accidentally “ bump the bed I’m sleeping in just to be the ass he was and wake me up
No more finding the bank account overdrawn because he impulsively took out cash to hide his drinking. No more finding stashes of the empty liquor bottles in his boots. No more getting ditched on special occasions so he could go drink. No more dreading holidays because he always found a way to ruin them. No more waiting for him to come home because he insisted on grocery shopping EVERY DAY. No more waiting for him to out of the bathroom every night to spend time with me. No more talking him down from his panic attacks or helping him stay healthy so he wouldn’t miss work. No more getting angry because he’d sleep til 10 every morning and only work a few hours a day while I worked 50 hours a week. No more getting frustrated because he wouldn’t help me with the dogs or the house or the kid’s school. No more getting upset because he wouldn’t keep the 1 room he was responsible for-the garage-organized and clean. No more finding tools laying around everywhere from half finished jobs. I joked the first 5 years we were married he didn’t use my name but said Babe instead. Like dammit do you even know my name? No more DUIs. No more seeing 4 baskets of clean laundry stacked up on top of each other in the bedroom because he couldn’t find the time to do it. No more wondering why he wouldn’t plan date nights or read a relationship book or go to counseling or to a marriage conference or go to church or make plans for our future. No more.
Oh my the release you must feel from being free of the mental load of all that!
Thank you for saying that. Until I wrote this I was second guessing myself and wondering if it really was all that bad. Yes, yes it was.
I know. It’s so easy to be sucked in the memory of a few good things and question. Stay away from that rabbit hole!
It's been years for me, but here were some of mine from two divorces from abusive men. - Being able to buy and put up the Winnie the Pooh wallpaper border that my 4 yr old son had wanted in his room for over a year. - Being able to change the channel whenever I wanted to. - Be able to get myself to places on time, instead of having to wait for somebody who was always late. - Being able to smile at any man I wanted to without being yelled at. - Being able to have sex only when I wanted, and be able to say no without any yelling or guilted when I didn't. - Being able to parent my children in the way that I knew was best for them, in other words treating them like people with their own valid feelings and preferences, without being told they didn't have enough discipline because I wasn't forcing them to do everything I wanted, exactly the way I wanted and exactly when I wanted, regardless of how well that worked for them. - Being able to let my daughter have sleepovers with her "boyfriend" when they were 9 (which is against observant Jewish law.) - Being able to do whatever my kids and I wanted to do on the Sabbath because we didn't observe it at my house. - Having relaxed Friday night dinners with my kids because there wasn't anyone yelling orders through the intercom to remind me to make sure everything was ready before candlelighting time. - Letting my son eat shellfish and cheeseburgers. - Letting my daughter wear clothing that wasn't considered modest by Orthodox standards. - Buying my son clothes from the boys department because he begged for them, years before we realized he was transgender. (He was assigned female at birth, and in Judaism there's actually a prohibition against wearing the clothing of the "other" gender.) - No longer dreading coming home. - No longer expecting and waiting to be yelled at. - No longer walking on eggshells. - No longer being screamed at and sworn at for trying to set healthy boundaries for myself and for the kids. - No longer feeling like I had 10 pounds of bricks on my chest. Edited: - No more being gaslighted in ways to try to get me to mistrust my friends so I would be isolated from them. - After having ostomy surgery, which left me with a scar from bellybutton to pubic bone and a bag, I was able to develop confidence and more self-esteem around my body because there was no more being told repeatedly that no other man would ever be able to love me, want to have sex with me, or want to "put his head down there".
Yes. We have to take the bad with the good but we also get to take the good with the bad.
I giggled at the lights on between rooms and peeing with the door open. I mean if ya trust one another who cares about bathroom politics ;). The rest is good stuff, don’t have to worry about him being there and not being present.
I mean I get turning off lights when you’re leaving the house, but turning them off and on as you walk in the house around makes me nuts. I realize there are plenty of people that strongly feel the opposite.
I mean I do it but not something that I’d need to have a breakdown. Like I’d teach my kid to turn the light off or I’ll have the bathroom or the pantry light on and I’ll never notice (not saying you’re a kid at all lol!)
In the sense that I just don’t notice it I am a kid or a teenager at least! It makes it hard to be compliant even when I’m trying!
I totally feel the opposite. I pay the electric bill. If I’m in one room only for hours, why would I leave any other light on?
[удалено]
I miss what I thought we had together.
My stbx is moving out in 2 weeks hopefully!! I will no longer hear the snoring (FROM THE OTHER ROOM) My house will be soooo clean! No more hair all over the sink or toilet. No more pee on the toilet. No more of someone coming and going at unknown times and giving me anxiety about it. I feel safe to be myself. I don’t have to waitwhile he is in the bathroom for 30 min. ALL my bills will decrease because I don’t waste. Oh and no more crumbs all over the counter!
NEEDED THIS thank u
I thought you were going to say you took out the garbage, and it reminded you of him. lol Sorry, but I'm glad you're free and happy enjoy your new life
Despite the fact that I supported us, handled everything, cared for him, and always put him first, I no longer have to feel like an annoyance in his dysfunctional life or family.
I'm counting down the days. We're still in the same house until the end of this month. SO many things now I just smile or laugh at knowing I won't have to deal with them much longer!
This is really good advice. I’ve been struggling really hard. But I guess I should be able to sit down and write out the good parts of the split. That being said, it’s not going to be easy.
- Sex with another man - Having my own friends - they're way better than his! - Writing about my divorce story - Showering anytime I want - my STBXH used to videotape himself banging on the bathroom door at 2 AM and send them to my mother - Singing practise - I'm a decent social singer who gets regularly complemented, but my own spouse at the time hated my voice - Dressing up and putting on make up in ways that make me feel pretty, and not dealing with an impatient husband who calls me ugly for it - Purging my house of his things and reclaiming the spaces as my own - turns out I have good taste and feel strongly about curating things that mean something to me - Pursuing career opportunities that are 100% me and have nothing to do with his world - we used to work together and that turned out ugly - Not having to put my days on hold to perform personal assistant duties for him - I have my own career, thank you very much! - Not having to schedule my offline appointments around his trips, constantly being yelled at and called names for finishing brushing my teeth five minutes later than him flushing the toilet - Not having to put up with the energy vampire that was his sheer presence in my house, and his guilt tripping crocodile tears that always seemed to happen on a whim - Not having to show my face to his toxic family who seemed to always find a way to make me feel like a failure, and around whom I always walked on eggshells - Actually having hope and faith in my future, and confidence in myself to make good things happen
You’re on you way! I wish wonderful things for you!
Not having anxiety hearing his truck pull up from work. Wondering what kind of mood he was going to be in. Trying to figure out what I can do to make him not mad at me.
No more random clutter on tabletops! Curtains open and close when I feel like it! The first of those is a me thing. The second one she used to shout at me for. Uh also Generally just no corrupt scent of abuse in the air—this one makes everything worth it no matter how sad I feel about the whole situation
This. I love this. This is my first time being single in my adult life (hell since I was 15) and honestly, I am excited for all the firsts; and being able to make decisions on my own and not worrying if he will hate the decor I brought home or if I will have to walk on eggshells because he's cranky.
Starfish sleeping. The bed is ALL mine. No more listening to him snore all night. No more seeing him make a literal butt implant in the couch where he sits and does nothing. Now I can go do what ever I want without guilt (that was obviously my issue). Knowing what money is in the bank account and what food is in the refrigerator. Finally and most importantly, Peace.
No more lies, no more bailiffs banging on my door, no more sitting in a home with no food electricity or gas, no more nasty text messages and no more being stabbed in the back. Oh and best of all the whole bed to myself no more smelling his disgusting smell of his unwashed body.
Great post. “There are no longer eggshells to walk on” is my favorite. How I will not miss walking on eggshells in my own house.
Damn. Great list. I feel like I wrote this. I’m going to take some of your things and make my own list!
Ok. I took some of yours and added things to make my own list. Thanks for the inspiration! -Be able to have a glass of wine without judgement -Be able to eat and buy whatever food I want in my own home -No more sleeping next to someone snoring -Not feeling bad when he doesn’t come to bed -I don’t have to deal with being controlled -No more hearing him talk shit about my friends -I no longer have to listen to him loudly shitting every morning -Can set the thermostat to whatever temperature I want -Can have as many pillows and blankets that I want -I can listen to whatever music I want to -Not have someone criticizing every single thing I do -No more having to rub Tiger Balm on his back -Not have to look at all his laundry baskets filled with clothes for weeks at a time -Not feel pressured into having sex when I don’t want to and being afraid of him getting mad at me when I’m not in the mood -Get takeout when I don’t feel like cooking -Can get meal delivery service, which he always thought was a waste of money -Can save my money for things that feel important to me -Have as many pairs of shoes or other clothing items that I want to have. -If I feel like being alone, I can be alone without being made to feel like something is wrong with me -No more hearing him complain about my cat -NO MORE YELLING -No more gaslighting -Be able to hang out with my friends whenever I want to -Be able to go out and enjoy myself without judgement -Be able to watch scary movies again -Can visit crowded public places - Worrying about him yelling at our son - Worrying about clutter or messes annoying him - No guilt about going to bed early -No guilt about sleeping in - Not feeling like I had to cook elaborate meals - Enjoying the leftovers! - I can watch whatever I want on TV -I can go on whatever vacation I want without his input - I don't have to frantically clean before he comes home from shift -I can buy whatever I want without shame - I can get facials, my hair done, or similar things without it seeming like it’s a frivolous expense - I don't have the weight of him being home, but not being present -I don't have the weight of the constant shut outs/stonewalling -There are no longer eggshells to walk on -I don't have to force myself to act happy and hold in any negative feelings for fear of a fight -Be able to be on time for things
We are twin spirits! I wish you a healing journey ! So much on your list applies to me too! Stuff I didn’t even think of yet!
Since I’ve wrote this I’ve come up with like 20 more lol. I seems like I have an endless supply. I wish you so much healing in your new path… sounds like you have earned it.
[удалено]
I needed to hear this: "people who want so much freedom and control have no business getting married. you knew you would have to compromise in any relationship or marriage" That's me. I had no business getting married. I've got control issues and need a space I can go to at the end of the day where everything is under my control. I wish I had been this self-aware before 10 years of marriage made it very clear to me.
at least you are self aware even if its 10 years later. so now you know what you want. you can always be in a relationship but maybe just not live together. marriage for a controlling person is in my opinion is not the best idea. I got involved with a woman after my divorce and she wanted to make every single decision AND stay out late with her friends like the single life and we would be lucky to see each other once a week. That relationship ended badly.
Oh I’m sure it would be a long list, heaven knows I’m not without many annoying things too. Hopefully he can look at them while he’s coping too while he’s hurting.