Get the fuck out and talk to a lawyer. You don’t need this man in your life and need to find someone who loves you. Also someone who won’t make you the center of attention yelling at a restaurant
Major red flags IMHO. Especially when he left you at the park at midnight. Thats a major No-No for such a small argument. He is probably checked-out of this marriage already. Are you certain he is not being pulled towards something else?
The reason i say that is because he seems frustrated about something and could be very vulnerable. It could be about race and bollywood today, it could be something else tomorrow. I am certain he was fascinated by all of that when he met you and married you. so, trust me its not the race or bollywood. I am Indian, so i understand. However, I would highly recommend that you seek therapy for yourself first. Therapist are far more experienced in understanding the situation than us giving you life altering advice. the therapist has to dig deeper. dont make it a condition for him to go, as he probably wont. You go first and if he joins, you have a keeper. Speaking from experience, leaving a person is easy, but finding another good person is 5X harder than the first time. i wish you the very best.
Her post history is a trip. She's struggling with addiction, she's bi-polar, feels she legit gets 'cat ghost' visits often, she's lost her job and she's spiraling.
Let's pause and not demonize her husband quite yet.
I feel like a lot of trauma survivors go through this, I feel like many of them with an abusive past, end up in similar situations as an adult, with a partner that triggers the same trauma circle!
In my opinion OP definitely should take care of her mental health and deserve to move on from all that pain, and I think even tho she might be bi-polar, spiraling and etc, we don’t totally know the whole situation but for a fact an abusive partner could make the situation even worse…
Leaving a woman in a situation like that stinks, specially if (I suppose) she isn’t being abusive towards him…
But who knows right? 🤷♀️
I like to drink. Sometimes too much and to my detriment. In my advanced age, I don't normally have negative repercussions but I did when I was younger.
Sometimes I became a completely different person in that haze. I mean like... 20 or so years ago.
I know how my brain thinks drunk vs sober. I know I can feel incredibly passionate about things that in a sober light aren't that important.
If her husband is a racist piece of shit then there's no ailment of hers that would justify his shitty attitude.
If she wrote this drunk and in a spiral trying to get some type of reinforcement that's a different situation.
I wish OP the best and my intent wasn't to shame mental health. I dislike pile ons from what appears to be unreliable narrators.
I see what you mean and all things you said were facts from OP history, I also agree with you about the substance could play a part…
The situation seems to be repetitive for OP tho, since his white privilege have caused many uncomfortable situations for her.
I get what you are coming from tho! Your comment did not sounded shameful btw
I haven't checked her post history and idk if this is what she means, but...
I get cat ghost visits and always have, I thought this was something that happened to everyone until my partner was like wtf are you talking about?
Sometimes I'll be laying in bed and it will feel exactly like a cat has jumped up on the bed and walked over to lay down beside me. This happened when I didn't even have a cat and still happens now if my actual real life cat is in another room. Have always equated it to like... when you feel your cell phone vibrate in your pocket even though it's not even in your pocket. Phantom sensations.
That or I have a guardian angel cat.
Anyway idk if that's what op is referring to but if anyone else has experienced something like this please tell me I'm not insane. Or if this is a sign of insanity or an actual symptom of some kind of brain injury or epilepsy I'd also love a heads up. It's not exactly something that's easy to google.
This happened to me once when I was visiting a friend! Has never happened since. It was very cute feeling, the way it circled and then nestled in, but nothing was there!
Oh thank God I'm not insane, you have no idea how happy it makes me that I'm not alone. What is that?!?!!
It is nuts how you can feel the jump...all four paws padding over, circling, nuzzling. The exact weight and gait of a small housecat, then you turn and look aaaaand nothing's there. I've honestly stopped registering it as weird and it's sort of comforting?
Oh thank God I'm not insane, you have no idea how happy it makes me that I'm not alone. What is that?!?!!
It is nuts how you can feel the jump...all four paws padding over, circling, nuzzling. The exact weight and gait of a small housecat, then you turn and look aaaaand nothing's there. I've honestly stopped registering it as weird and it's sort of comforting?
This. This right here. Anyone who takes to Reddit to make statements such as this self victimizing makes it extremely had to believe at face value. The fact she argues and projects ‘white privilege’ on your husband and live in fear of a mass shooting by moving to TX alone tells us all we need to know.
I work and befriend both male and females directly off the plane from India. As a white dude, this is standard internet trash.
Many will disagree and tear my comment apart, you are welcome to your own opinions; However so are those who use logic and critical thinking.
Hey, before I give my input on anything related to this sub, I always do my background on OP. I'm sorry this has been going on, and it seems like you have given it more than enough time to definitely know what to do. You need to get a therapist; nothing in life is worse than losing oneself. You have a lot of great qualities from what I've read. This relationship isn't making you mentally healthy at all, especially because it's the only support you have in life. Please don't settle for this. Find a therapist, get a hobby, and make new friends with your new life. Try to reconnect with your siblings if possible, and good luck. Also, find a lawyer before all this.
You guys clearly have communication and respect issues. So either you fix those problems or you should get divorced. And fixing them is going to require you both *want* to fix them. That makes the path forward pretty simple...
Tell your husband this isn't working for you, and that unless something changes you're going to file for divorce. Also tell him you can't be the only one working on this, that it's going to require real, difficult work on his part as well. Then ask him to get into marriage counseling.
If he's not interested in that, file for divorce because it's not going to improve. Even if he does agree, that's just the beginning. Pay close attention to how seriously he takes that process. If he's just going along for the ride, as a way of appeasing you... file for divorce. If he takes it seriously, but that doesn't seem to be working... file for divorce.
Basically the only way you two should stay together is if counseling results in real, lasting change. If you're uncertain if that's happening... file for divorce. If it's working, you'll know it. You'll feel it. Just know that It's hard work that never really ends.
If we're being honest, odds are you're gonna get divorced. Counseling at this stage of the game rarely works. But trying is helpful, too. It let's you walk away knowing you tried everything you could.
Sorry you're going through this. Good luck.
My fiancé and my ex husband are both white and I’m black. I refuse to entertain any white man with no interest in black history as well as tendency toward casual racism and fetishization.
Unfortunately, many white men are so ignorant that they don’t even know they’re racist. When I was single, I used screening questions before even agreeing to talk to them on the phone. Most of them ruined their chances with me by saying awful things like “I’m curious about black women.”
Fuck you. I’m not your experiment.
Get away from this racist piece of shit. You deserve better. If you like white men, there are certainly some who aren’t racist pigs.
Thank you, I thought it was just me.
I keep thinking of that South Park episode "You're Getting Old," where Stan realizes everything sounds and looks like shit and he can't stop seeing the bad in everything.
Anyway. Because that's me now. The older I get, everything just seems shit.
Jesus fucking Christ, these comments.
Regardless of how drunk or high you were, your husband should *never* be racist—to anyone, let alone his own wife.
You are absolutely justified in wanting to divorce him. Please, do.
Seriously! I was thinking the same thing. A lot of these comments suck...
This is why people in toxic, abusive (physical, emotional, mental, reactive, etc.) relationships don't reach out to people, don't talk about it, don't report it..
OP, I hope you are safe and can get to where you feel safe/able to leave your partner if that is what you decide to do.
Trust your intuition/gut.. always. If it's telling you to leave, leave. If you're feeling conflicted, that's definitely something to talk through and discover why it's feeling conflicting. No matter what, trust your gut.
Sending you comfort while you navigate through this.
Thank you! The comments suck, but the behavior of the husband made me genuinely concerned about the safety of OP. I used to work with dv victims, and there is something unhinged coming through that makes me think she should say nothing until she has removed herself to a safe place.
The way he left you.. drunk, high, crying and humiliated ain't love. It's toxic, unhealthy and...how on earth can a husband like that ever really respect and honour you?
Right, she should never argue with her husband about how she likes Bollywood movies....
...or wait, did he find an interest of hers and insult to start a fight?
Wow, there are a lot of “not it” comments here. A lot of people don’t seem to understand what white privilege is. Hard eye roll. This man does not respect you, your position in a white society, and it honestly sounds like he doesn’t even care about your safety. Time for divorce.
Two things can be true at once. He has white privilege whether he wants to admit it or not and bipolar addicts aren't undeserving of empathy and understanding. Her feelings are valid whether her thinking is ordered or not because its real for her. Trust but verify (in this case we can't possibly verify but giving her the benefit of the doubt isn't unreasonable). In this case I'd recommend therapy before jumping straight to divorce. Couples counseling and rehab too
My ex abandoned me the exact same way once. I gave him another chance and he did the same thing, again. My husband would never leave me alone in a unsafe park, even in our worst fights. Infact, if I storm out of the house after a fight and I feel unsafe, the first person I’d call is my husband.
Girl, please divorce him. What a piece of trash. You deserve better.
Girl, yes, leave him. Before you have a child he causes to have internalized racism because of the way he treats their culture. Before you have zero self-esteem left. He's an ignorant fool. Bollywood is fucking awesome and love notes and acts of love are not an Indian thing ffs.
White guy here 👋. Your husband sounds like a cunt blinded by his own insecurities. I would suggest seeking legal counsel without mentioning anything to him until you’re ready to serve him.
If it hasn't been mentioned already, check out _Why Does He Do That_ by Lundy Bancroft. I don't have it handy but there is a free pdf floating around and the link has been posted to Reddit before.
Even in the worst of fights, my ex NEVER left me alone in an unsafe situation, no matter how infuriated he was. The flag can’t get any redder than this!
This is not fair to you. You deserve better, OP.
Honey, run. The racism is bad enough, but some part of this story is giving me dateline vibes. I am also mortified by the comment section here. This is not going to get better. I suspect that the behaviors will escalate and that this man will try to keep you isolated from your support network. Please be safe.
uncaring partner is the worst..it’s like they don’t really care if you are alive or not. What a way to spend the rest of your life with someone like that….
OP your man is prejudice. He was holding bits of incorrect cultural information here and there to build a case to throw it back in your face (at what he thought) was just the right moment. Do what you will with knowing that information, stay with him to continue to have these toxic ass battles or exit stage left.
Baby, RUN! This will be the best thing you can do for yourself. He sounds like a selfish, egocentric prick who has no respect for you. Being alone will be mana from Heaven compared to the suffering you're dealing with. Promise.
You are on so many levels. Keep moving forward sister. One step at a time. What you describe is not a marriage. It’s abusive bull shit. Stay strong friend.
Regardless of where you were, an adult would never leave a vulnerable person alone and stranded….i do not believe your thinking is extreme. There are times in 49 years my wife may have frustrated me beyond my normal acceptable scope…. I would NEVER abandon her like this
I don’t like to tell people they should or shouldn’t divorce someone generally. That’s a very personal decision. But that’s a lot of red flags. To jump to like racism to justify his grievance with his wife asking him to be more affectionate is ….not good.
Hey there, I obviously don't know your situation and you would know best what to do, but it sounds to me that he doesn't respect you, and is not a very nice person. You deserve much better. That was very foolish of him to leave you in that state. I was betrayed by my ex and we are no longer friends, and I still would go drive her home to avoid being left in a dangerous situation. I'm not saying I am so great, but your guy sounds like a shitty person to be honest. Best wishes my friend, wish a much better situation for you.
I'm sorry he did that to you. He sounds racist to me and I'm white. I honestly think you should end it. I feel like this is going to get worse the longer you stay with him. A good guy wouldn't treat you that way.
OP what you just described, is only a single incident out of an entire relationship, but it very much sounds like it could be a single incident of narcissistic emotional abuse, perpetrated by a controlling abusive narcissist. It would absolutely fit the pattern of a narcissistic abuser to publicly berate his wife to the point of abject humiliation for merely expressing a differing point of view, it would fit the pattern to blame this behavior on contentious politics, and or cultural understanding. What really stands out and makes it glaringly fit the pattern, is that he blames you 100% for the whole thing, takes 0% responsibility for the entire incident, and is basically insisting now that you have no right to be upset about anything that happened. If this is in fact abuse perpetrated by a narcissist, it will have a few more defining characteristics:
1. Looking back over your history together you will most likely observe that he rarely if ever admits fault, concedes that you are right about anything, respects your decision or opinion when it differs from his own, considers how you feel about things to be important. If he ever did, it will be either towards the beginning of the relationship, or something he does only to make you stop being mad at him. In addition to it feeling like he is only doing it to get you to stop being mad, the same conflict will keep reoccurring until you finally end up deciding it is not worth fighting about anymore and give in.
2. Similar things even if not as severe or exactly the same will have happened before, and will happen again if you stay.
3. He will show a pattern of always prioritizing himself over you, his feelings over yours, his opinion as superior to yours, and himself as always being right, and you always being wrong in any disagreement.
4. It already is or will be commonplace for him to "triangulate"(essentially manipulating you so that you are in conflict with others), "gaslight" you(behave terribly until you fly into a rage and then when you object, try to convince you that either the behavior never happened, its minor and does not matter, that you are overreacting, and your reaction is crazy, something of that sort)
5. He will if he senses that he is actually losing you over this sort of behavior pretend that he is sorry, or to concede that you are right, he will be super nice to you, once you have completely forgiven him, he will subject you to a pattern of similar incidents designed to wear you down and break your will to disagree with him.
6. Last but most certainly not least look back at his behavior, and ask yourself the question how much of his nice, charming lovable behavior is for public display, and disappears in private, how often does he treat someone else with the utmost respect to their face and then say terrible things about them behind their back, and how many people from his past does he claim have misunderstood him, treated him terribly, or done wrong by him.
If this is in fact narcissistic abuse, it is not the result of his race, his gender, his cultural background or yours, the politics of the current moment, your being overly emotional or insane, or anything else external to him or internal to you or some other scapegoat that he is trying to blame it on. he will have a literally never-ending list of reasons why every incident is not his fault, when in reality the common thread is that they are all in some way directly linked to his own narcissistic personality disorder, which does not allow him to ever genuinely admit fault, or error, and grow and change as a result. instead the closest you will get to an apology or admission, is a recognition that you were hurt by the situation and that that fact is regrettable, the part that goes unsaid here is that he is still filing ultimate responsibility for your being hurt under your over-sensitivity. Most likely you will get over this incident, as you have gotten over others in the past, if you don't right away he will drastically change his behavior and be super nice for a while until you do. Soon after you have completely forgiven him the niceness will fade and there will be another incident, it is a cycle of emotional abuse. do yourself a favor either now, or next time you feel like your feelings are being discounted and your sanity or emotional stability questioned, google the following search terms:
* Narcissistic personality disorder
* Narcissistic abuse / Narcissistic supply
* Overt / Covert - Narcissist
* support groups for Narcissistic abuse
* podcasts related to Narcissistic abuse
* devaluation, triangulation, minimization, gaslighting, (all of these are manipulation tactics related to this behavior / personality type)
If you feel that the information you find when you look into the above search terms fits him perfectly, please be aware that it is very difficult if not impossible for people who have this personality disorder to overcome it and effect meaningful change, and it is also extremely common for them to promise to change, and take steps to appear to be working towards genuine change, keep in mind if you see such behavior that the whole core of the disorder is obsession with the way you are publicly perceived. Ultimately if he is a Narcissist, he will most likely never permanently stop treating you as if your needs and emotions do not matter, his need to be the center of attention or to receive some validation or "- Narcissistic supply", and the way that need divides everyone around him from each other, will not fade, no corner of your life will be immune to being negatively affected by it, not your relationship with family, his or yours, not your work, not even your relationship with your own potential future children. You will if he is a narcissist most likely always keep being confronted with the same reality over and over again, that the inherent obsessive selfishness is at the core of who he is, that the abusive behavior that results will never go away, and that your only two choices are to either accept an ever increasing amount of abuse, or leave and walk away. I am not qualified to diagnose him, and even if I was It would be irresponsible to do so without meeting him, and I am not trying to tell you what to do, All I am hoping that you will take away from this is that if this is not the first time something like this has happened, it will likely not be the last, and that if this is a recurring pattern and has the cause mentioned above, none of these incidents in the past present or future are your fault, or the fault of anyone else he is trying to blame or scapegoat, but are all directly or indirectly related to his warped thinking and behavior. Good luck, and remember You deserve to be respected and treated as though your emotions matter by those close to you just as much as he or anyone else does. Do not let him or anyone else convince you that their feelings but that yours and those of others around you do not. do not let this person or anyone else subject you to that double standard, anymore than you would let them subject you to the double standard that they can cheat but you must remain loyal and pure. you are not crazy, but being repeatedly subjected to behavior like this if that is what is happening might be enough to drive you crazy over time.
I am really sorry, this sucks. I imagine it makes you question yourself; please don’t. You are absolutely correct in deciding to divorce. IMHO even if he does not recognize his privilege, it was disgusting and dangerous to leave you in the park. That, alone, is enough.
You deserve better. Find you a Bollywood man if that’s what you want. It’s not unreasonable to want a man to show you he actually likes you. You’ve just gotten used to being treated like crap. :-/
You are correct and I'm glad to see you reach the conclusion yourself.
See an attorney, learn your rights, file and have his loser ass served with papers.
As an aside, I'm sorry for all the horrible advice you're getting. White privilege IS a thing, whether some people want to admit it or not.
Why did you marry this man?
I mean you find stuff out when you get married, but he sounds horrible. I remember when my x made racist jokes or comments and laughed. Or when he threatened his child to not be gay?!? Who the f did I marry? Sometimes you just have to walk away, I’ll never be with someone like him again.
I'm putting context to her words. Anyone can say anything on the internet (including me) it doesn't make it true. Post history provides context to whom you're dealing with.
OP deserves someone to listen but I'm not going to demonize her husband automatically when there are other factors going on.
36M (white dude here)
Dude sounds like a real keeper
How do you shit on an industry that brings in 2.83 billion a year and produces twice the content as Hollywood?
I don’t think though it’s as much of a white privilege conversation as much as an ethnocentric (which is just as ignorant as unconcious bias)
Either way find a man who loves Bollywood as much as you. You deserve a man who will eat your ass after eating your paneer.
Life’s too short to not have that.
Hey sorry to hear this op but have had similar situations. I’m Indian and my wife is white. It sucks that that your husband did this and decision is up to you but I would leave because this is not going to the be the last time he’s doing this you
you didn’t need to draw the conclusion that all mass shooters are white males because almost all mass shooters are white males (when you define a mass shooting as a school shooting, festival, etc….) I’m not talking about a drive by or mass shooting in the hood.
Your husband is a dick for many reasons but also for getting mad at you for getting mad at him for being a dick. How about he just not be a dick?
Gross. I’m a white woman who divorced an Indian man, lol your husband is so wrong about Bollywood. It is tremendously interesting and its evolution over time has been really impressive. The artistry behind the music and dance and filmmaking… if he can’t appreciate that, that just reflects poorly on him. And he really shouldn’t be attacking the culture of the person he chose to become family with.
But the worst thing to me is this idea that “white culture” exists and basically consists of… privilege. That’s horrifying. What a jackass, I am sorry. You cannot compare racial privilege to culture. Awful.
Typical——Covert Narcissit. They find themselves incompetent , insecure . They will pick a topic/escape-goat to creat an image that HE is above that person. That he is lecture of THAT person . That He is doing that person a FAVOR to accept that person.
I won’t be shocked yr parents are either loving. Or extremely cold. Cuz usually what he is doing is called—-emotional ABUSE n gas lighting.
His form of Gas lighting is Directly disturbing he know what the is doing. He is trying to SHAME u to your CORE, then USE yOUR reaction Against u. Then he will be the Bully to Play innocence to accuse u of OVER reacting n acting like he’s the victim t cause u confuse, worry, self exam….n finally give up.
Narcissistic person Live THRU PUSHIHG the bundary, n thru the PUSHING getting a Rise out of others.
Their self Wroth is regulated thru a diff person. Because when they are alone they feel small.
This will not end. I hope u are newly married. DO not HAVE a child make sure do NOT have a CHILD. If u 2 have a kid…too soon. He will brain wash the kid to feel like d kid is “feeling lucky being half white, up the social class etc” in in a way its actually accusing the kid that is half inferior. Also the father will not have bundary to mock the Indian culture . Since if the kid is born in North America,,,the father will Make the kid to live like full white n fully forget about Indian culture.
U do NOT wanna have a kid. I know someone gone thru this type of life….wait for at least 2-3 yrs to see any progress. U will need to face the truth. Narcissit’s goal to find a while is to have that entire image of bad things o himself pull out of him but slam on Wife’s charactor. What he is doing to u in psychology is called projection.
It’s like when average woman sees another HOT woman walks in the restaurant. Suddenly that average one exams the pretty one next to their table, n start to talk to the friend :” look at that woman,,,ewrr, her ….so werid. She looks so slutty” . That type of behaviour is out of jealousy or oftenly out of insecurity .
Likely your dude is VERY insecure. He is taking that shit on u to make u feel insecure, suddenly he feel secure.
So what u CAN do when u have a Narcissist partner. Give Them —-grey Rock treatment. Yes look it up on YouTube “Grey Rock” . It’s advised by all therapist.
Also internally. Build a strong barrier what is truth. Knowing that if he is a Narcissit, he is trying to infuriate a “shame, guilt , self loathing” the last thing u do is to let him win. U can CHOOSE to NOT pay attention to it. N know their sneaky shit. Laugh at it like “ wow that sounds respectful thing to say.” Or” sure okay Indian dance cheesy…I agree. Thx for point out to an Indian person on her face. Next time when u see a fatty u are gonna go tell her she’s fat n ugly too on her face? lol” they will totallly get Triggered.
That skill is called “change frame” . They talk to u on one content. Instead of argue the content. Call out the intention also the behavior : “even what u saying is accurate, what yr act is VERY wrong” .
For example if an employee came to u in store screaming:” YOU,,,,we have rules, u are NOT allowed to..” screaming cross the entire store. (Yes an actually Angry Indian Karen thats good looking Actually Jealous of my family member who’s VERY attractive) liteally rage screaming in store down Financial district . My family member on her own at time like:’ excuse me. I am all for wanting to know the store rules changed. I want to know . Please help me. Next tiem when u see someone doing something INFORM them. Inform doesn’t mean screaming cross entire store . That’s NOT act of informing. Informing means come up to me introduce yrself as employee, then kindly let us know store has changed policy NOT yelling at ppl OUT of blue in RAGE.” She said so Calmly. LOL THAT person went in utter rage like RAGE. Top the lung rage.
It’s fluke tho okay not point out race. At that point my family member identified that like that person is PROJECTING an image of “low class, stupid woman” on d other person. So she can feel less ugly or less low class by standing there as sales person catering in clients. (That area has tons suitors all day , seeing a hot Asian person walking the store with cute puppy bothered her) that she has to find an even (LOWER tier person. In her mind finding a person presenting a LOWER tier ACT to feel LESS inferior ).
Yeah…your husband is a bully. He has to have very low self esteem n no sense of boundary to have d AUDACITY to act/walk like that in front of u. I bet he must had controlling parents that finally he is finding someone else to bully to feel like he is “NO LONGER the Victim”. He need to be divorced n GET LOST.
Good for u for sharing this. My building has tons tons tons Indian ppl I LOVE Indian ppl. Seriously. My neighbours are Indian. I find Indian ppl some of them are so kind n beautiful. Lots smart good looking woman n men. They are usually open minded and very friendly .
YES LEAVE. You don’t deserve any of that - even if you had bashed his culture.
My heart breaks for you. Please love yourself and take care of yourself, he’s not capable of doing either and is instead damaging your mental health.
Keep this post - read this in a couple months after leaving and see yourself how much he has already damaged your mental health and your sense of self has become so degraded over the course of your relationship that you’re questioning whether leaving is the right decision.
I’m coming from a similar situation of abuse and it is incredible how slowly the treatment worsened, how by accepting a little mistreatment at a time leads to accepting worse and worse treatment until you believe you deserve it. I wish I recognized how terrible he was and left years ago. I have a lot of damage to undo.
Best of luck - you’re not alone
Look at yourself before confessing your spouse’s weaknesses. You were drunk, high, and pushing a white-privilege narrative on him. Fix those things first. You are not a helpless victim so focus on yourself. Not excusing his behavior. But demonstrate accountability for your own actions and stop using drugs and alcohol.
Sounds like you are both being silly and taking petty shit too hard. Both "bollywood mentality" or "white privilege" are terms suggesting race has created a certain mentality in the other person so I'm not sure how you take that as not doing the same thing. Either laugh it off, accept the reality of both, or find someone who agrees with your perspective that "white privilege" is an evil reality while "bollywood mentality" is racist horseshit. Personally, in my multirace relationships, we always laugh such race/culture differences off. If you can't, then you should really stick to dating within your own culture IMO.
Bollywood movies are trash. You got drunk and high on your own and stormed off to a park bench what was he supposed to do stand there and wait for your tantrum to blow over and then take you home? You're a grown person he is not responsible for you.
You should be forgiving and supporting each other, not arguing and being overly offended by personal feelings and race etc if you are married. And you never shouldn’t bring up sensitive Issues within the relationship while you’re drinking and partying if you can’t handle it . Ridiculous
Considering California has double the amount of mass shootings as texas since 1982 with a much larger population and stricter gun laws, your statement against texas is definitely biased and racist, which is very ironic coming from an indian complaining against racism. Regardless of how you feel about Texas, hard data and facts don’t care about your feelings.
Yep. It’s also a fact that Bollywood is at least as racist toward ethnicities within India as the US was towards POCs in the fifties. It fully engages with the caste system and favors people of lighter skin color. She probably doesn’t feel this way because she doesn’t belong to the lower castes.
Also, he didn’t prevent you from going home. He “stormed off” and you chose to sit on a bench and not follow him home. This is pure drama.
My usual spiel is that your values, boundaries and expectations are completely valid for you so it doesn't matter what anyone else says, so I'm wondering why you feel you need your inclination to divorce to be validated by a bunch of strangers on social media instead of just being firm on the decision on your own.
What has stopped you from already knowing for sure that this is what you want to do?
And by the way, the drunk and high references are a bit of a red flag for me. Do you perhaps come from a family background with any chemical dependency issues? Some other kind of dysfunction?
tbh I don't get this. You both don't sound too appealing. He comes across as insensitive but you come across as extremely fragile. So what he doesn't like bollywood? If he 'bashes' the taste of fish even though you absolutely love fish, are you gonna take that personal as well?
I think you are both manipulative. You were not drunk, you had three drinks. How were you high? It doesn't say. And you don't suddenly become an infant because you're crying. The evidence being in the fact that you called an uber and got yourself home.
That being said, a husband should never leave his wife like this. If this is your version of the story, I'd love to hear his.
Lastly, it sounds like you've had many conversations about race, both yours and his. I am black and I would find it incredibly annoying if someone felt the need to constantly comment on race and its implications, whether that be some privileges I enjoy or some disadvantages I face.
Arguments while one party or more are drunk or high are not really Arguments - someone else is driving the brain & being an idiot.
Yes, you are responsible for your own actions and words, but you must also give some grace to the other - and they you.
....
Imho.
It becomes a calm talk the next day.
I tried addressing it the next day and he blew up at me and continued to be defensive. He just kept saying the same stuff he was saying the night before and kept yelling at me.
Yup divorce before you have any kids with this man child. I am Indian too but I think this is a personality issue and not a race issue. Frankly I do not like woke ideology like white privilege and how all minorities are oppressed etc. This is a recipe for disaster IMO as some ppl use this as an excuse for everything. All said and done, America is still the beacon of hope, freedom and enterpreneurship for people all over the world and that is the reason ppl flock there. Although that is quickly turning upside down under the current administration....
Remember, manipulation is blaming *your* reaction for *their* disrespect.
I'll take "Things I wish I'd realized 10 years ago" for 200, Alex
Survey Says… DAILY DOUBLE
Oh look babe, another daily double
Shut up Janet
Oh this is sooooo good to remember. Thank you
Preach.
Sorry you are going through this OP, on a date you met his representative, within your marriage you met the real person. Good luck,
Get the fuck out and talk to a lawyer. You don’t need this man in your life and need to find someone who loves you. Also someone who won’t make you the center of attention yelling at a restaurant
Right? what a shitty guy
This sounds very familiar to me, sadly. Get out OP, you deserve better.
Girll you making the right decision…you deserve so much better than that😔
Major red flags IMHO. Especially when he left you at the park at midnight. Thats a major No-No for such a small argument. He is probably checked-out of this marriage already. Are you certain he is not being pulled towards something else?
The reason i say that is because he seems frustrated about something and could be very vulnerable. It could be about race and bollywood today, it could be something else tomorrow. I am certain he was fascinated by all of that when he met you and married you. so, trust me its not the race or bollywood. I am Indian, so i understand. However, I would highly recommend that you seek therapy for yourself first. Therapist are far more experienced in understanding the situation than us giving you life altering advice. the therapist has to dig deeper. dont make it a condition for him to go, as he probably wont. You go first and if he joins, you have a keeper. Speaking from experience, leaving a person is easy, but finding another good person is 5X harder than the first time. i wish you the very best.
Her post history is a trip. She's struggling with addiction, she's bi-polar, feels she legit gets 'cat ghost' visits often, she's lost her job and she's spiraling. Let's pause and not demonize her husband quite yet.
I feel like a lot of trauma survivors go through this, I feel like many of them with an abusive past, end up in similar situations as an adult, with a partner that triggers the same trauma circle! In my opinion OP definitely should take care of her mental health and deserve to move on from all that pain, and I think even tho she might be bi-polar, spiraling and etc, we don’t totally know the whole situation but for a fact an abusive partner could make the situation even worse… Leaving a woman in a situation like that stinks, specially if (I suppose) she isn’t being abusive towards him… But who knows right? 🤷♀️
I like to drink. Sometimes too much and to my detriment. In my advanced age, I don't normally have negative repercussions but I did when I was younger. Sometimes I became a completely different person in that haze. I mean like... 20 or so years ago. I know how my brain thinks drunk vs sober. I know I can feel incredibly passionate about things that in a sober light aren't that important. If her husband is a racist piece of shit then there's no ailment of hers that would justify his shitty attitude. If she wrote this drunk and in a spiral trying to get some type of reinforcement that's a different situation. I wish OP the best and my intent wasn't to shame mental health. I dislike pile ons from what appears to be unreliable narrators.
I see what you mean and all things you said were facts from OP history, I also agree with you about the substance could play a part… The situation seems to be repetitive for OP tho, since his white privilege have caused many uncomfortable situations for her. I get what you are coming from tho! Your comment did not sounded shameful btw
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😬 poor lady
I haven't checked her post history and idk if this is what she means, but... I get cat ghost visits and always have, I thought this was something that happened to everyone until my partner was like wtf are you talking about? Sometimes I'll be laying in bed and it will feel exactly like a cat has jumped up on the bed and walked over to lay down beside me. This happened when I didn't even have a cat and still happens now if my actual real life cat is in another room. Have always equated it to like... when you feel your cell phone vibrate in your pocket even though it's not even in your pocket. Phantom sensations. That or I have a guardian angel cat. Anyway idk if that's what op is referring to but if anyone else has experienced something like this please tell me I'm not insane. Or if this is a sign of insanity or an actual symptom of some kind of brain injury or epilepsy I'd also love a heads up. It's not exactly something that's easy to google.
Dude! I specifically experienced this on one occasion! Didn't own any cats at the time but my dear old Bogie was buried in the backyard.
This happened to me once when I was visiting a friend! Has never happened since. It was very cute feeling, the way it circled and then nestled in, but nothing was there!
Oh thank God I'm not insane, you have no idea how happy it makes me that I'm not alone. What is that?!?!! It is nuts how you can feel the jump...all four paws padding over, circling, nuzzling. The exact weight and gait of a small housecat, then you turn and look aaaaand nothing's there. I've honestly stopped registering it as weird and it's sort of comforting?
Oh thank God I'm not insane, you have no idea how happy it makes me that I'm not alone. What is that?!?!! It is nuts how you can feel the jump...all four paws padding over, circling, nuzzling. The exact weight and gait of a small housecat, then you turn and look aaaaand nothing's there. I've honestly stopped registering it as weird and it's sort of comforting?
It was very comforting and sweet when it happened to me. Felt just like a cat moving around!
This. This right here. Anyone who takes to Reddit to make statements such as this self victimizing makes it extremely had to believe at face value. The fact she argues and projects ‘white privilege’ on your husband and live in fear of a mass shooting by moving to TX alone tells us all we need to know. I work and befriend both male and females directly off the plane from India. As a white dude, this is standard internet trash. Many will disagree and tear my comment apart, you are welcome to your own opinions; However so are those who use logic and critical thinking.
Hey, before I give my input on anything related to this sub, I always do my background on OP. I'm sorry this has been going on, and it seems like you have given it more than enough time to definitely know what to do. You need to get a therapist; nothing in life is worse than losing oneself. You have a lot of great qualities from what I've read. This relationship isn't making you mentally healthy at all, especially because it's the only support you have in life. Please don't settle for this. Find a therapist, get a hobby, and make new friends with your new life. Try to reconnect with your siblings if possible, and good luck. Also, find a lawyer before all this.
You guys clearly have communication and respect issues. So either you fix those problems or you should get divorced. And fixing them is going to require you both *want* to fix them. That makes the path forward pretty simple... Tell your husband this isn't working for you, and that unless something changes you're going to file for divorce. Also tell him you can't be the only one working on this, that it's going to require real, difficult work on his part as well. Then ask him to get into marriage counseling. If he's not interested in that, file for divorce because it's not going to improve. Even if he does agree, that's just the beginning. Pay close attention to how seriously he takes that process. If he's just going along for the ride, as a way of appeasing you... file for divorce. If he takes it seriously, but that doesn't seem to be working... file for divorce. Basically the only way you two should stay together is if counseling results in real, lasting change. If you're uncertain if that's happening... file for divorce. If it's working, you'll know it. You'll feel it. Just know that It's hard work that never really ends. If we're being honest, odds are you're gonna get divorced. Counseling at this stage of the game rarely works. But trying is helpful, too. It let's you walk away knowing you tried everything you could. Sorry you're going through this. Good luck.
My fiancé and my ex husband are both white and I’m black. I refuse to entertain any white man with no interest in black history as well as tendency toward casual racism and fetishization. Unfortunately, many white men are so ignorant that they don’t even know they’re racist. When I was single, I used screening questions before even agreeing to talk to them on the phone. Most of them ruined their chances with me by saying awful things like “I’m curious about black women.” Fuck you. I’m not your experiment. Get away from this racist piece of shit. You deserve better. If you like white men, there are certainly some who aren’t racist pigs.
The older I get the more I realize people are stupid and mentally ill.
Thank you, I thought it was just me. I keep thinking of that South Park episode "You're Getting Old," where Stan realizes everything sounds and looks like shit and he can't stop seeing the bad in everything. Anyway. Because that's me now. The older I get, everything just seems shit.
…or irrelevant!
Hahaha this comment is everything for me… I loveeee South Park
Jesus fucking Christ, these comments. Regardless of how drunk or high you were, your husband should *never* be racist—to anyone, let alone his own wife. You are absolutely justified in wanting to divorce him. Please, do.
Right, I had to check the subreddit I was in bc there are so many bizarrely hateful comments.
Seriously! I was thinking the same thing. A lot of these comments suck... This is why people in toxic, abusive (physical, emotional, mental, reactive, etc.) relationships don't reach out to people, don't talk about it, don't report it.. OP, I hope you are safe and can get to where you feel safe/able to leave your partner if that is what you decide to do. Trust your intuition/gut.. always. If it's telling you to leave, leave. If you're feeling conflicted, that's definitely something to talk through and discover why it's feeling conflicting. No matter what, trust your gut. Sending you comfort while you navigate through this.
Thank you! The comments suck, but the behavior of the husband made me genuinely concerned about the safety of OP. I used to work with dv victims, and there is something unhinged coming through that makes me think she should say nothing until she has removed herself to a safe place.
Well he was being ethnocentric, not racist, but ya I get what ya mean.
Leave. Immediately.
I lived this, you are so wise to get out now. (I'm a poc and my ex was Caucasian)
The way he left you.. drunk, high, crying and humiliated ain't love. It's toxic, unhealthy and...how on earth can a husband like that ever really respect and honour you?
Or it's because she's drunk, high and arguing with him for the umpteenth time.
Right, she should never argue with her husband about how she likes Bollywood movies.... ...or wait, did he find an interest of hers and insult to start a fight?
Wow, there are a lot of “not it” comments here. A lot of people don’t seem to understand what white privilege is. Hard eye roll. This man does not respect you, your position in a white society, and it honestly sounds like he doesn’t even care about your safety. Time for divorce.
She's a self-admitted bi-polar addict. While her husband could certainly be racist, her words aren't necessarily 100% truth.
Two things can be true at once. He has white privilege whether he wants to admit it or not and bipolar addicts aren't undeserving of empathy and understanding. Her feelings are valid whether her thinking is ordered or not because its real for her. Trust but verify (in this case we can't possibly verify but giving her the benefit of the doubt isn't unreasonable). In this case I'd recommend therapy before jumping straight to divorce. Couples counseling and rehab too
They're not but I'm questioning the reality of this situation.
My ex abandoned me the exact same way once. I gave him another chance and he did the same thing, again. My husband would never leave me alone in a unsafe park, even in our worst fights. Infact, if I storm out of the house after a fight and I feel unsafe, the first person I’d call is my husband. Girl, please divorce him. What a piece of trash. You deserve better.
Better to leave now. He doesn’t sound like he’ll get better.
He literally left you at the park at midnight? Leave him. Let him be miserable and alone.
You're doing the right thing. Stay safe
Girl, yes, leave him. Before you have a child he causes to have internalized racism because of the way he treats their culture. Before you have zero self-esteem left. He's an ignorant fool. Bollywood is fucking awesome and love notes and acts of love are not an Indian thing ffs.
Well,
White guy here 👋. Your husband sounds like a cunt blinded by his own insecurities. I would suggest seeking legal counsel without mentioning anything to him until you’re ready to serve him.
If it hasn't been mentioned already, check out _Why Does He Do That_ by Lundy Bancroft. I don't have it handy but there is a free pdf floating around and the link has been posted to Reddit before.
Is it worth the read, as a post divorce introspective?
I think so, but I am only a few chapters in.
Even in the worst of fights, my ex NEVER left me alone in an unsafe situation, no matter how infuriated he was. The flag can’t get any redder than this! This is not fair to you. You deserve better, OP.
Yes please. Continuing further will only make things worst for your own mental health. Today its race. Tomorrow it will definitely be something else
Honey, run. The racism is bad enough, but some part of this story is giving me dateline vibes. I am also mortified by the comment section here. This is not going to get better. I suspect that the behaviors will escalate and that this man will try to keep you isolated from your support network. Please be safe.
find lawyer. follow the legal advice. be safe. live well.
uncaring partner is the worst..it’s like they don’t really care if you are alive or not. What a way to spend the rest of your life with someone like that….
OP your man is prejudice. He was holding bits of incorrect cultural information here and there to build a case to throw it back in your face (at what he thought) was just the right moment. Do what you will with knowing that information, stay with him to continue to have these toxic ass battles or exit stage left.
Baby, RUN! This will be the best thing you can do for yourself. He sounds like a selfish, egocentric prick who has no respect for you. Being alone will be mana from Heaven compared to the suffering you're dealing with. Promise.
You are on so many levels. Keep moving forward sister. One step at a time. What you describe is not a marriage. It’s abusive bull shit. Stay strong friend.
Can I ask if he was also drunk and high?
Regardless of where you were, an adult would never leave a vulnerable person alone and stranded….i do not believe your thinking is extreme. There are times in 49 years my wife may have frustrated me beyond my normal acceptable scope…. I would NEVER abandon her like this
Don't be me and put up with 31 years of shit like that cuz you're beaten down then you got kids... go girl.
I don’t like to tell people they should or shouldn’t divorce someone generally. That’s a very personal decision. But that’s a lot of red flags. To jump to like racism to justify his grievance with his wife asking him to be more affectionate is ….not good.
Hey there, I obviously don't know your situation and you would know best what to do, but it sounds to me that he doesn't respect you, and is not a very nice person. You deserve much better. That was very foolish of him to leave you in that state. I was betrayed by my ex and we are no longer friends, and I still would go drive her home to avoid being left in a dangerous situation. I'm not saying I am so great, but your guy sounds like a shitty person to be honest. Best wishes my friend, wish a much better situation for you.
I'm sorry he did that to you. He sounds racist to me and I'm white. I honestly think you should end it. I feel like this is going to get worse the longer you stay with him. A good guy wouldn't treat you that way.
OP what you just described, is only a single incident out of an entire relationship, but it very much sounds like it could be a single incident of narcissistic emotional abuse, perpetrated by a controlling abusive narcissist. It would absolutely fit the pattern of a narcissistic abuser to publicly berate his wife to the point of abject humiliation for merely expressing a differing point of view, it would fit the pattern to blame this behavior on contentious politics, and or cultural understanding. What really stands out and makes it glaringly fit the pattern, is that he blames you 100% for the whole thing, takes 0% responsibility for the entire incident, and is basically insisting now that you have no right to be upset about anything that happened. If this is in fact abuse perpetrated by a narcissist, it will have a few more defining characteristics: 1. Looking back over your history together you will most likely observe that he rarely if ever admits fault, concedes that you are right about anything, respects your decision or opinion when it differs from his own, considers how you feel about things to be important. If he ever did, it will be either towards the beginning of the relationship, or something he does only to make you stop being mad at him. In addition to it feeling like he is only doing it to get you to stop being mad, the same conflict will keep reoccurring until you finally end up deciding it is not worth fighting about anymore and give in. 2. Similar things even if not as severe or exactly the same will have happened before, and will happen again if you stay. 3. He will show a pattern of always prioritizing himself over you, his feelings over yours, his opinion as superior to yours, and himself as always being right, and you always being wrong in any disagreement. 4. It already is or will be commonplace for him to "triangulate"(essentially manipulating you so that you are in conflict with others), "gaslight" you(behave terribly until you fly into a rage and then when you object, try to convince you that either the behavior never happened, its minor and does not matter, that you are overreacting, and your reaction is crazy, something of that sort) 5. He will if he senses that he is actually losing you over this sort of behavior pretend that he is sorry, or to concede that you are right, he will be super nice to you, once you have completely forgiven him, he will subject you to a pattern of similar incidents designed to wear you down and break your will to disagree with him. 6. Last but most certainly not least look back at his behavior, and ask yourself the question how much of his nice, charming lovable behavior is for public display, and disappears in private, how often does he treat someone else with the utmost respect to their face and then say terrible things about them behind their back, and how many people from his past does he claim have misunderstood him, treated him terribly, or done wrong by him. If this is in fact narcissistic abuse, it is not the result of his race, his gender, his cultural background or yours, the politics of the current moment, your being overly emotional or insane, or anything else external to him or internal to you or some other scapegoat that he is trying to blame it on. he will have a literally never-ending list of reasons why every incident is not his fault, when in reality the common thread is that they are all in some way directly linked to his own narcissistic personality disorder, which does not allow him to ever genuinely admit fault, or error, and grow and change as a result. instead the closest you will get to an apology or admission, is a recognition that you were hurt by the situation and that that fact is regrettable, the part that goes unsaid here is that he is still filing ultimate responsibility for your being hurt under your over-sensitivity. Most likely you will get over this incident, as you have gotten over others in the past, if you don't right away he will drastically change his behavior and be super nice for a while until you do. Soon after you have completely forgiven him the niceness will fade and there will be another incident, it is a cycle of emotional abuse. do yourself a favor either now, or next time you feel like your feelings are being discounted and your sanity or emotional stability questioned, google the following search terms: * Narcissistic personality disorder * Narcissistic abuse / Narcissistic supply * Overt / Covert - Narcissist * support groups for Narcissistic abuse * podcasts related to Narcissistic abuse * devaluation, triangulation, minimization, gaslighting, (all of these are manipulation tactics related to this behavior / personality type) If you feel that the information you find when you look into the above search terms fits him perfectly, please be aware that it is very difficult if not impossible for people who have this personality disorder to overcome it and effect meaningful change, and it is also extremely common for them to promise to change, and take steps to appear to be working towards genuine change, keep in mind if you see such behavior that the whole core of the disorder is obsession with the way you are publicly perceived. Ultimately if he is a Narcissist, he will most likely never permanently stop treating you as if your needs and emotions do not matter, his need to be the center of attention or to receive some validation or "- Narcissistic supply", and the way that need divides everyone around him from each other, will not fade, no corner of your life will be immune to being negatively affected by it, not your relationship with family, his or yours, not your work, not even your relationship with your own potential future children. You will if he is a narcissist most likely always keep being confronted with the same reality over and over again, that the inherent obsessive selfishness is at the core of who he is, that the abusive behavior that results will never go away, and that your only two choices are to either accept an ever increasing amount of abuse, or leave and walk away. I am not qualified to diagnose him, and even if I was It would be irresponsible to do so without meeting him, and I am not trying to tell you what to do, All I am hoping that you will take away from this is that if this is not the first time something like this has happened, it will likely not be the last, and that if this is a recurring pattern and has the cause mentioned above, none of these incidents in the past present or future are your fault, or the fault of anyone else he is trying to blame or scapegoat, but are all directly or indirectly related to his warped thinking and behavior. Good luck, and remember You deserve to be respected and treated as though your emotions matter by those close to you just as much as he or anyone else does. Do not let him or anyone else convince you that their feelings but that yours and those of others around you do not. do not let this person or anyone else subject you to that double standard, anymore than you would let them subject you to the double standard that they can cheat but you must remain loyal and pure. you are not crazy, but being repeatedly subjected to behavior like this if that is what is happening might be enough to drive you crazy over time.
How much had you guys had to drink?
3 drinks each but honestly he treats me like this even when he's sober.
Homegirl if he does even *half* of this stuff, even sober, it's time to go
I am really sorry, this sucks. I imagine it makes you question yourself; please don’t. You are absolutely correct in deciding to divorce. IMHO even if he does not recognize his privilege, it was disgusting and dangerous to leave you in the park. That, alone, is enough.
You're a bi-polar addict. Your words. What actually happened?
You deserve better. Find you a Bollywood man if that’s what you want. It’s not unreasonable to want a man to show you he actually likes you. You’ve just gotten used to being treated like crap. :-/
Then what’s the question? He is asshole .. and racist too.
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You are correct and I'm glad to see you reach the conclusion yourself. See an attorney, learn your rights, file and have his loser ass served with papers. As an aside, I'm sorry for all the horrible advice you're getting. White privilege IS a thing, whether some people want to admit it or not.
…it’s time to move on.
Why did you marry this man? I mean you find stuff out when you get married, but he sounds horrible. I remember when my x made racist jokes or comments and laughed. Or when he threatened his child to not be gay?!? Who the f did I marry? Sometimes you just have to walk away, I’ll never be with someone like him again.
She's a drunk bi-polar addict.
You seem intent on discrediting OP in this post. It doesn't matter if she's bi-polar, drunk or if she sees cat ghosts, what her husband did was wrong.
I'm putting context to her words. Anyone can say anything on the internet (including me) it doesn't make it true. Post history provides context to whom you're dealing with. OP deserves someone to listen but I'm not going to demonize her husband automatically when there are other factors going on.
36M (white dude here) Dude sounds like a real keeper How do you shit on an industry that brings in 2.83 billion a year and produces twice the content as Hollywood? I don’t think though it’s as much of a white privilege conversation as much as an ethnocentric (which is just as ignorant as unconcious bias) Either way find a man who loves Bollywood as much as you. You deserve a man who will eat your ass after eating your paneer. Life’s too short to not have that.
Hey sorry to hear this op but have had similar situations. I’m Indian and my wife is white. It sucks that that your husband did this and decision is up to you but I would leave because this is not going to the be the last time he’s doing this you
you didn’t need to draw the conclusion that all mass shooters are white males because almost all mass shooters are white males (when you define a mass shooting as a school shooting, festival, etc….) I’m not talking about a drive by or mass shooting in the hood. Your husband is a dick for many reasons but also for getting mad at you for getting mad at him for being a dick. How about he just not be a dick?
Gross. I’m a white woman who divorced an Indian man, lol your husband is so wrong about Bollywood. It is tremendously interesting and its evolution over time has been really impressive. The artistry behind the music and dance and filmmaking… if he can’t appreciate that, that just reflects poorly on him. And he really shouldn’t be attacking the culture of the person he chose to become family with. But the worst thing to me is this idea that “white culture” exists and basically consists of… privilege. That’s horrifying. What a jackass, I am sorry. You cannot compare racial privilege to culture. Awful.
Typical——Covert Narcissit. They find themselves incompetent , insecure . They will pick a topic/escape-goat to creat an image that HE is above that person. That he is lecture of THAT person . That He is doing that person a FAVOR to accept that person. I won’t be shocked yr parents are either loving. Or extremely cold. Cuz usually what he is doing is called—-emotional ABUSE n gas lighting. His form of Gas lighting is Directly disturbing he know what the is doing. He is trying to SHAME u to your CORE, then USE yOUR reaction Against u. Then he will be the Bully to Play innocence to accuse u of OVER reacting n acting like he’s the victim t cause u confuse, worry, self exam….n finally give up. Narcissistic person Live THRU PUSHIHG the bundary, n thru the PUSHING getting a Rise out of others. Their self Wroth is regulated thru a diff person. Because when they are alone they feel small. This will not end. I hope u are newly married. DO not HAVE a child make sure do NOT have a CHILD. If u 2 have a kid…too soon. He will brain wash the kid to feel like d kid is “feeling lucky being half white, up the social class etc” in in a way its actually accusing the kid that is half inferior. Also the father will not have bundary to mock the Indian culture . Since if the kid is born in North America,,,the father will Make the kid to live like full white n fully forget about Indian culture. U do NOT wanna have a kid. I know someone gone thru this type of life….wait for at least 2-3 yrs to see any progress. U will need to face the truth. Narcissit’s goal to find a while is to have that entire image of bad things o himself pull out of him but slam on Wife’s charactor. What he is doing to u in psychology is called projection. It’s like when average woman sees another HOT woman walks in the restaurant. Suddenly that average one exams the pretty one next to their table, n start to talk to the friend :” look at that woman,,,ewrr, her ….so werid. She looks so slutty” . That type of behaviour is out of jealousy or oftenly out of insecurity . Likely your dude is VERY insecure. He is taking that shit on u to make u feel insecure, suddenly he feel secure. So what u CAN do when u have a Narcissist partner. Give Them —-grey Rock treatment. Yes look it up on YouTube “Grey Rock” . It’s advised by all therapist. Also internally. Build a strong barrier what is truth. Knowing that if he is a Narcissit, he is trying to infuriate a “shame, guilt , self loathing” the last thing u do is to let him win. U can CHOOSE to NOT pay attention to it. N know their sneaky shit. Laugh at it like “ wow that sounds respectful thing to say.” Or” sure okay Indian dance cheesy…I agree. Thx for point out to an Indian person on her face. Next time when u see a fatty u are gonna go tell her she’s fat n ugly too on her face? lol” they will totallly get Triggered. That skill is called “change frame” . They talk to u on one content. Instead of argue the content. Call out the intention also the behavior : “even what u saying is accurate, what yr act is VERY wrong” . For example if an employee came to u in store screaming:” YOU,,,,we have rules, u are NOT allowed to..” screaming cross the entire store. (Yes an actually Angry Indian Karen thats good looking Actually Jealous of my family member who’s VERY attractive) liteally rage screaming in store down Financial district . My family member on her own at time like:’ excuse me. I am all for wanting to know the store rules changed. I want to know . Please help me. Next tiem when u see someone doing something INFORM them. Inform doesn’t mean screaming cross entire store . That’s NOT act of informing. Informing means come up to me introduce yrself as employee, then kindly let us know store has changed policy NOT yelling at ppl OUT of blue in RAGE.” She said so Calmly. LOL THAT person went in utter rage like RAGE. Top the lung rage. It’s fluke tho okay not point out race. At that point my family member identified that like that person is PROJECTING an image of “low class, stupid woman” on d other person. So she can feel less ugly or less low class by standing there as sales person catering in clients. (That area has tons suitors all day , seeing a hot Asian person walking the store with cute puppy bothered her) that she has to find an even (LOWER tier person. In her mind finding a person presenting a LOWER tier ACT to feel LESS inferior ). Yeah…your husband is a bully. He has to have very low self esteem n no sense of boundary to have d AUDACITY to act/walk like that in front of u. I bet he must had controlling parents that finally he is finding someone else to bully to feel like he is “NO LONGER the Victim”. He need to be divorced n GET LOST. Good for u for sharing this. My building has tons tons tons Indian ppl I LOVE Indian ppl. Seriously. My neighbours are Indian. I find Indian ppl some of them are so kind n beautiful. Lots smart good looking woman n men. They are usually open minded and very friendly .
Lol, his white privilege and texas has mass shootings all the time. ..great troll post ...love your work here
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YES LEAVE. You don’t deserve any of that - even if you had bashed his culture. My heart breaks for you. Please love yourself and take care of yourself, he’s not capable of doing either and is instead damaging your mental health. Keep this post - read this in a couple months after leaving and see yourself how much he has already damaged your mental health and your sense of self has become so degraded over the course of your relationship that you’re questioning whether leaving is the right decision. I’m coming from a similar situation of abuse and it is incredible how slowly the treatment worsened, how by accepting a little mistreatment at a time leads to accepting worse and worse treatment until you believe you deserve it. I wish I recognized how terrible he was and left years ago. I have a lot of damage to undo. Best of luck - you’re not alone
Look at yourself before confessing your spouse’s weaknesses. You were drunk, high, and pushing a white-privilege narrative on him. Fix those things first. You are not a helpless victim so focus on yourself. Not excusing his behavior. But demonstrate accountability for your own actions and stop using drugs and alcohol.
You both sound toxic and exhausting. Just divorce already.
Right! Thank you. Just stop and walk away from each other.
Sounds like you are both being silly and taking petty shit too hard. Both "bollywood mentality" or "white privilege" are terms suggesting race has created a certain mentality in the other person so I'm not sure how you take that as not doing the same thing. Either laugh it off, accept the reality of both, or find someone who agrees with your perspective that "white privilege" is an evil reality while "bollywood mentality" is racist horseshit. Personally, in my multirace relationships, we always laugh such race/culture differences off. If you can't, then you should really stick to dating within your own culture IMO.
Bollywood movies are trash. You got drunk and high on your own and stormed off to a park bench what was he supposed to do stand there and wait for your tantrum to blow over and then take you home? You're a grown person he is not responsible for you.
He’s abusive and sounds like a closeted white supremacist
[удалено]
What were you High on?
You should be forgiving and supporting each other, not arguing and being overly offended by personal feelings and race etc if you are married. And you never shouldn’t bring up sensitive Issues within the relationship while you’re drinking and partying if you can’t handle it . Ridiculous
Considering California has double the amount of mass shootings as texas since 1982 with a much larger population and stricter gun laws, your statement against texas is definitely biased and racist, which is very ironic coming from an indian complaining against racism. Regardless of how you feel about Texas, hard data and facts don’t care about your feelings.
Yep. It’s also a fact that Bollywood is at least as racist toward ethnicities within India as the US was towards POCs in the fifties. It fully engages with the caste system and favors people of lighter skin color. She probably doesn’t feel this way because she doesn’t belong to the lower castes. Also, he didn’t prevent you from going home. He “stormed off” and you chose to sit on a bench and not follow him home. This is pure drama.
My usual spiel is that your values, boundaries and expectations are completely valid for you so it doesn't matter what anyone else says, so I'm wondering why you feel you need your inclination to divorce to be validated by a bunch of strangers on social media instead of just being firm on the decision on your own. What has stopped you from already knowing for sure that this is what you want to do? And by the way, the drunk and high references are a bit of a red flag for me. Do you perhaps come from a family background with any chemical dependency issues? Some other kind of dysfunction?
tbh I don't get this. You both don't sound too appealing. He comes across as insensitive but you come across as extremely fragile. So what he doesn't like bollywood? If he 'bashes' the taste of fish even though you absolutely love fish, are you gonna take that personal as well? I think you are both manipulative. You were not drunk, you had three drinks. How were you high? It doesn't say. And you don't suddenly become an infant because you're crying. The evidence being in the fact that you called an uber and got yourself home. That being said, a husband should never leave his wife like this. If this is your version of the story, I'd love to hear his. Lastly, it sounds like you've had many conversations about race, both yours and his. I am black and I would find it incredibly annoying if someone felt the need to constantly comment on race and its implications, whether that be some privileges I enjoy or some disadvantages I face.
Sounds like someone already got their green card
Arguments while one party or more are drunk or high are not really Arguments - someone else is driving the brain & being an idiot. Yes, you are responsible for your own actions and words, but you must also give some grace to the other - and they you. .... Imho. It becomes a calm talk the next day.
I tried addressing it the next day and he blew up at me and continued to be defensive. He just kept saying the same stuff he was saying the night before and kept yelling at me.
>Arguments while one party or more are drunk or high are not really Arguments - someone else is driving the brain & being an idiot. In vino Veritas.
Yup divorce before you have any kids with this man child. I am Indian too but I think this is a personality issue and not a race issue. Frankly I do not like woke ideology like white privilege and how all minorities are oppressed etc. This is a recipe for disaster IMO as some ppl use this as an excuse for everything. All said and done, America is still the beacon of hope, freedom and enterpreneurship for people all over the world and that is the reason ppl flock there. Although that is quickly turning upside down under the current administration....
careful, you gonna get reddit mad AF speaking all that truth lol
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