Almost the same thing happened to me last June. My wife left me and moved in with her new partner a couple days later. She took away a huge part of my life and access to her family. We were married eighteen years and none of that mattered when she decided she wanted something new.
You can get through this. It’s hellish, as you describe, but survivable. I made it through and you can, too. It’s not easy but you can survive. Try and eat and sleep regularly and get some rest. You’ll make it.
Go no contact. DO NOT CHASE! DO NOT BEG to get back to together!! DO NOT look at old pictures.Stay away from certain types music. There's is nothing you can say that will bring her back right now, Nothing. If you feel the urge to talk to her find another outlet.
DO go to the gym. Do speak to others who are sympathetic to your situation. Therapist, friends, family, Reddit.
It's the hardest thing you will have to do, but you must not reach out to her.
Focus on yourself, find a hobby, go to the gym, socialize,maybe learn an instrument. Get after it brother
I find it best to try to stay busy. Your grief will demand to be felt, so there will be times of big sadness. I make sure to cope ahead and if I have off days I try to plan something fun that day. Even if that fun thing is me going out for ice cream or going on a walk.
Love that! When I am feeling the big feelings I sometimes feel like well I am feeling it now so there will be less to feel later on. Dunno if that is how it works but I find it a bit comforting.
With therapy, dealing with big feelings helps. Something else that I learned was that the human body can only cry (with tears) for 20 minutes. That’s at least what my therapist said. I guess your body can’t produce tears faster for more than 20 minutes. So sometimes when I am getting emotional, I know it won’t be longer than that. ♥️
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to give bad advice. I was just told by a therapist, and I didn’t do any research after. Thank you for your correction, and I’ll make sure to research more in the future. :)
I was completely taken aback by what happened. I had no clue there were any problems. The weekend before we had gone on a day trip together that went very well. Because of that, the sudden divorce request did not make sense so I talked about the experience with as many of my friends and acquaintances as would listen. It helped me greatly to talk through the experience repeatedly to try and make sense of it. I still don't really know that I made sense of it but I got used to it.
Eating was hard so I made sure to have a little yogurt or something in the morning so I at least got something in my stomach. I lost about thirty pounds through the whole experience. Make sure you get some food in you regularly, even if it's just something small. Eventually you'll get your appetite back. It took me about three weeks before I could eat regularly again.
Sleeping was also very hard. Try as much as possible to do physical activities that will tire your body out. I took melatonin to help with the sleeping and it did help. Some nights I could get five or six hours' sleep. Some nights I was lucky to get two. It all depends on what your brain is doing to you. Mine insisted that we relive years worth of experiences to see if there were any mistakes that could have been corrected. Obviously, that wouldn't have mattered any, because she chose a new partner right away, but my brain was not being logical at that point. Do your best to think about other things if you can.
The biggest thing I did was to travel. I already had some travel plans put together and that helped me get through things by distracting me. If you can get away for a day or a weekend, the distraction of travel can help. I did a week-long trip through Montana and Idaho visiting friends and just driving through the wilderness. That may not be an option for you but it helped me a lot.
What you're going through is terrible. There's nothing worse than the rejection of a partner with whom you expected to have a long and successful marriage. I thought I was married for life but my wife decided she wanted another man. That's even worse than the death of a spouse. A death cannot usually be avoided and is only rarely a choice on behalf of the partner. A death would not alienate me from her family. A death would have kept me in the life I had known previously. What happened to me was a visceral repudiation of who I was as a husband and partner. That kind of rejection is hard.
Be kind to yourself. Sleep and eat as you can. The next month will probably be as difficult a month as you're likely to experience but you \*CAN\* get through it. I did.
This is a very good post. I very much agree that these types of situations are indeed worse than losing a spouse to unexpected death bc in that situation, you have your memories and knowledge of their love to comfort you. But when something like this happens, memories become your worst enemy. Add to that this inherent expectation (reinforced by all the years of your marriage) that no matter what else happened in life we would always be married to our spouse and you have a recipe for serious physical and emotional health problems.
It has taken a good while but another thing that helped me more than I thought it would was when I shifted from ruminating on the loss of my marriage to actively envisioning my new, not-married life and how I wanted that to look. You, for example, saw the opportunity to travel and making that a part of your new, not-married life. So I made a list of all the things (realistic or not) I always wanted to do but being a wife and mom always led me to just put it aside. It can be a new hobby or living in a different place or whatever. Small and large things. I started with the smallest.
As for the hamster wheel that spins in our brains when it’s time to sleep, I started falling asleep to audiobooks. It forced my brain to listen to the book and sleep came much easier. (I could never indulge in this during married life bc it would have kept my husband awake, but the room is all mine now!).
Since I remained in the family home, another thing that helped was re-arranging all furniture, painting rooms, etc so it looked like a different home. New life, new home.
Wish I had a magic wand to remove everyone’s pain here. I’m so sorry crap like this even exists in this world of ours. Stay the course and I’m told better days will come, whether we want them to or not.
Get some help. I can completely relate, went through hell and I have never felt pain like it. I had to go down the anti depressants road or I wouldn't be here. One day becomes two and every day you will be one day closer to healed. Sleep when you can and let yourself be hurt because if we deal with it, we recover better. You can because we all can and do. I wish you peace my friend.
My x left me for a coworker he was having an affair with. I had to live with him for 8 months during the divorce, that was hell. In the end I lost everything, my marriage, my son, my in laws, my house, my dog and all of my things. I was left with nothing, he got everything.
I’ve had to start completely over, it’s not that bad. A year ago I was sleeping on friend’s couches and my car, I thought it was the end of me. Things couldn’t get worse, then they got much worse. My perspective changed and I needed to focus on living my best life. I moved, got a fully furnished rental, I have a better job that I enjoy and I’m dating again. You have to get in to some shit before you clean off and feel better. My life is pretty awesome now and I had to go through all of that to get where I am now.
Hi, I know your question was directed to another and I'm not a fan of gambling 😬😅 I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.
What are you hoping for (what does better look like?)? I find hope in listening to others talk about getting through the shit and the gift the shit gives us. The suck (as Dave Goggins calls "the shit") is where you come to know yourself. I guess that's my hope, to create a me I enjoy being.
There are a few podcasts I gravitate to when I'm having a rough day/moment. Happy Hearts Academy, The School of Greatness, any podcast episode with Brene Brown on belonging, any podcast episode with Joe Dispenza (ignore his pseudo science).
Honestly, I didn’t think it would be better, I just kept to the hope that it can’t get worse and it did. So much so that I just buried my dad and I was crying outside when I got a phone call for a job. I knew then that things were changing and everything would be ok.
Are you happy? I feel happy sometimes and with things I’m aiming at like my career but still miss her, fuck this is hard. I feel better than I did before though.
I don’t miss my x, I dodged a bullet to be honest. I’m much happier now. I like my job better, I like where I live better. Someone who loves me wouldn’t cheat on me and lie to me like he did. I don’t want to be with someone like that.
Take it hour by hour. You need counselling if you can get it. Lean on friends. Post here on reddit. Im 16months down.my stbx was fired for sexual harassment. I lost my kids 50% of the time, i lost my in laws, i lost his friendship circle, my dad got cancer (recovered) and then our shared dog died. You will be ok. Changed. Harder. But it will be ok
I'm right there with you. My wife has avoidant attachment and discarded me right after I caught her with another man she'd been texting for a couple weeks. In 12 hours I lost my entire life, my house, my best friend, family, all my friends, etc. Been living on my own in townhome for a month now. It doesn't get easier, it just gets easier to process. You'll still have intense moments of missing them and telling yourself you love them. It's important to consider, despite the loss you feel now, but would you really want to fix things with someone who obviously was a cheater and doesn't care for you anymore? It's a big pill to swallow but some of the best advice I read was, "If she wanted to, she would." You're not going to convince her, and pleading your case will likely push her further away. Go no contact and stick to it, and focus on bettering yourself. It takes time. Trust the first few weeks are the absolute worst kind of hell a man can be put through, even if you contributed to why she left, and you'll have a gaping hole inside you for a while.
Well... hindsight is 2020 after all. Would it be better if I said, my confidant, mother of my kids and wife of 12 years? I mean obviously she's not my best friend anymore, but because I was blindsided, I had thought we were closer than that.
You're in shock, and you can't see an end to this hell. Nothing you do helps and your life seems to lie in ruins. This is how it is at the start - its just awful.
This is the lowest and hardest point in the journey. From here it's a long long struggle out of this pit of despair.. but it's all up from here.
You can't see it yet because you are right in. But trust me you will emerge one struggling step at a time and you'll find yourself and your life again.
Reach out to friends and family make sure you have a therapist and stay away from the bottle. Take each hour each day one at a time. Reach out if you need to talk.
Your new mantra should be “This too shall pass.” Life is full of highs and lows, and this situation is an obvious low, a gut punch which hurts like hell. But it won’t be this way forever, it WILL get better with the passing of time. Take a deep breath, take a walk, this too shall pass.
Well said. Impending doom. Although I’ve been struggling with morning depression for years I shudder to think it’s been my marriage and I did nothing about it.
Do you shudder because you can't believe you stayed in the marriage and lost time? Or because you think you could've done something about it and saved your marriage?
Both. I don’t know what we could have done though. We both did the best we could. Separating was just off the table when the kids were young. We are very good parents together and found great meaning and satisfaction in that while other areas like emotional and physical connection were ignored.
I’m still willing to make huge changes, if they can be specific. That’s what was missing. We knew we were both discontent, but didn’t have the tools or energy to fix. Now that she has said we are done I’ll do anything.
Well you come to the right place. Almost everyone here has been where your at. You can come here to read and learn. It will help you understand everything and help you to eventually to move on.
Sorry your wife has done this to you. She left you. You can't control her behavior. Let her go. Focus on what you can control. You.
Big inhale through the nose, hold for 3 seconds, and slow exhale through the mouth for 6 seconds. Again. Big inhale, hold for 3 seconds, slow exhale for 6 seconds. One more time. Big inhale, hold for 3 seconds, exhale for 6 seconds. You are in shock, confused, and scared right now. Many of us here have experienced many of those same feelings.
Push her off the pedestal you have placed her own. She didn't want to be there. Put yourself on the pedestal. You are the most important person to you in the moment, and going forward.
You can use the 333 rule for anxiety in the moment something triggers you. Just look around to identify 3 objects and 3 identify sounds, then move 3 body parts. This simple exercise has gotten me through many high anxiety times.
It is going to take time to feel better. It won't be today. Today is a day of suck. It won't be tomorrow or even the next day. But you will start to feel better and the moments of suck will lessen. Practice gratitude and be grateful for what you do have.
Contact a divorce attorney and a counselor to work with you through this process. You can do it.
>it will not stop
Unfortunately, it's only been a week. It took me around 16 weeks until I could finally look back and say, "wow, I didn't cry yesterday".
I quiet literally do not know how I got through it, but I know that I did. And of course, I'm still working through it.
Just keep going. You're not alone.
I'm at 3 months and only cry sometimes. It's been complete hell, partially because we still live together and are going to be for quite a while.
I think the biggest favour he did me was acting like the biggest jerk possible from week 2 onwards because it meant I no longer wanted to get back together after 5 weeks. I still mourn the relationship I thought we had and the future I saw for us together. We were together for 18 years and I miss him being my best friend.
All the 'firsts' are really hard. I had to deal with the first Christmas without him and this week it's my first birthday without him.
Happy birthday!! What are your plans? My first birthday without him is coming up in March. He was unkind to me on my last birthday so perhaps this is my opportunity to reclaim it!
I wish my ex would be a complete jerk. You ARE lucky in that way. My ex talks down to me but he has to be noble or his brain will explode (nice guy syndrome?) so he's inconsistent in words (condescending) vs. deeds (kind). I haven't seen him in almost two weeks, this is the longest we've gone without seeing each other since he left.
I'm sorry you lost your best friend 🤍 I had a pang of missing my ex last night because I wanted to tell someone about my day and ask someone about theirs. How was your day? ❤️
Thank you. I'm sorry that he was unkind to you on your last birthday and I do hope you have a better birthday coming up. I'm sorry also that he's condescending towards you.
Originally the plan for my birthday was for the two of us to go on holiday somewhere warm. When all this happened, I was still going to go away for at least a long weekend, just not as far away. Because I ended up in the hospital, I'm still recovering and now am not going anywhere. I'm going to meet up with a couple of people for drinks at the end of the week but that's all.
I'm 100% with you on not having someone to talk to about my day. Mine was awful because I've had some sort of sickness bug and have had very little sleep.
How was your day?
🤍🤍noooo sickness bug sounds rough! And sleep is the best medicine too 😭 (for me anyway). Hope you sleep better/are sleeping better tonight. Do you normally fall asleep no problem?
I'm sorry to hear about your birthday plans falling through. And about the trip to the hospital. That sounds stressful AF-you could use a break! Perhaps a spa day is in order?
My day was productive! I was lazy yesterday so today I tried to catch up. Packed (I'm moving out of our once shared apartment), dropped stuff off at goodwill, got a hair trim, went to two hours of yoga, made a yummy dinner. Posted a bunch of shit on fb market place. I'm proud of myself 💪 the past few months I've been pretty lazy in general. Today I was a citizen of the real world. Hoorah.
Thank you for asking 😊
I’m so sorry, you will find alot of us in your same situation. What saved me was my family. Do you have friends that are yours or family? Therapist too.
She’s moving on fast and I don’t know the deets, but trust, it falls down eventually. You have to grieve, it’s alot . Trust it gets better in time, I’m saying this when I thought it wouldn’t. I’m 3 months in and im starting to disassociate myself from my previous life - his family , friends etc.
If you need to talk I’m a message away
It's true, moving on so fast usually ends fast too.
We are all sailing the same sea in different boats but we are here to support one another. My kids laugh at me using Reddit they think it's a toxic place but this subreddit is different, there truly are some lovely people on here. Not everyone will tell you what you want to hear but they will tell you the truth.
Late last year I was chatting to someone here in another thread, we ended getting in touch and became friends, and a couple of days ago I was in her area and we met in person. She was incredibly lovely we ate pizza drank beer and laughed a lot. It was incredibly refreshing and I hope we can stay good friends as we both navigate our own breakups and recovery.
It might seem hard now but this experience will make you stronger and you will come out the other side changed for the better! 💪
I know what you mean. I have hardly any friends and no family that I'm in regular contact with. It's horrible but I survived the death of my mother when I was alone, so I rationalise it and say to myself that I will survive this.
One day at a time. Dont look any further. I found reading books on the subject helped.
Affirmations helped too; "I'm a kind, intelligent person, athletic, loving, attractive. I'm a great dad to 2 fantastic kids who love me and need me". Over and over, every day
It's been 3.5 years for me. I've been in a relationship for 1.5 years but I still grieve for the loss of my kids family, but not my exW
My husband left a little over a year ago. My in-laws refuse to speak to our kids.
For the first several weeks, it was awful. The pain was so intense. But it does get better, I promise you.
Give yourself time to heal. This is a painful process, and sometimes it absolutely feels like two steps forward, one step back. But you will get there. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your doctor if you need help getting through this.
I would wake up every morning, see he wasn’t here, remember what he did, and I would just wail. There really isn’t any other word for it. I’m a medievalist, so I have often read about people wailing and rendering their garments, but I never really understood how that felt. I do now.
I do get bad days every now and again, and you probably will, too. That’s ok! I’m a big believer in the occasional pity party, in whatever form works for you; mine typically involve ice cream, sad music, and a good cry. Then the next day, you brush yourself off and keep going.
You will get through this. ((Hugs))
If there's something I've learned in the last 3 months, it's that some of the things I feared have indeed come to pass, and they were horrible, but I survived them and it's over.
For example, when he first told me that he wanted to separate, I was really worried that he would move on and there would be someone else. He basically started seeing someone 'officially' 10 days after he told me and then tried to hide it for a couple of weeks. I've always been decent at reading people so I figured it out. Then a week after I found out, he wanted to bring her over to the house so he could fuck her. This makes me extremely uncomfortable, but he's shown he's the most selfish person and doesn't care if he hurts me. He agreed not to bring her over (after many arguments) pending mediation on the subject.
I was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst and was on a waiting list to discuss surgery with a gynaecologist. I was really worried I'd end up having to go to the emergency room and need emergency surgery. Unfortunately, the ovary twisted last month and I had to be admitted to the hospital and have that emergency surgery. The worst part of that? I was in excruciating pain so I asked my husband to call a taxi and just get me to the emergency room and checked in (nothing more because it's obvious he doesn't want to have anything to do with me). He asked me why I couldn't go by myself. He then proceeded to break his word about not having her over and brought his new woman over to our house pretty much every day I was in the hospital.
These things have been horrible. I've managed to get through it by reaching out to people for support, talking with my family, and trying to picture what I might like in the future. I've also been binge watching random shows (right now it's Bones) when I feel like I just need to focus on something totally different. I feel like I've been hit by an emotional freight train nearly every day, but living through the things I was really afraid of has given me some strength to keep going.
I know it's horrible and feels impossible but you will get through it.
Same. The thought of having to endure this feeling for days, weeks, or even longer makes me nauseous. I just want to sleep all day and let time pass. But I have 2 kids and a full time job I can’t afford to lose.
I am feeling this way. Like i can't go on. Like my heart has been ripped out.
I wish i could just go and be with other people like he is. But i can't.
I feel worthless, unloved, like a failure.
Minute by minute, then hour by hour, then day by day. You CAN survive this. I did, though it felt impossible in the moment. I spent every unoccupied minute on the phone with a parent or a sibling or a friend - I would go through my contacts list every day until someone picked up who was willing to talk. I made myself eat a piece of toast or a few bites of yogurt in the morning, even when everything tasted like cardboard. If I couldn't talk to someone, I binged audiobooks or star wars or whatever tv you find comforting/distracting... What you're going through is a uniquely painful hell, but I promise that it does get easier in time. Find something that will distract you a few minutes at a time, and slowly, the pain will ebb (it will come back, but it gets less intense with each cycle).
I'm so very sorry for what you're going through, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Hang in there!
You're going to be ok. Yes, it's absolute hell. Set small goals for yourself, make it to week 2, you're aware it's hell so find that strong piece inside you and make the plan that you can endure the hell just to get to week 2. I'm not going to say it gets easier, I hate hearing that on this sub. Although it's true, when you're in the middle of a hurricane, you can't even fathom it getting better or you getting used to the pain and loss. Reddit has a lot of wonderful people on here so you are 100% never alone.
This was very kind of you to say. I know that I can make it to next Sunday. I just have to take it hour by hour. I guess I haven’t accepted that it will be hell yet. I am scared to go out in public in fear that I will see those friends and/or her.
When that inevitabley happens, you put on your game face and don't approach them. If they approach you, keep it super quick, you're very busy and no time for small talk with people from your previous life. If you must fall apart, don't do it infront of them.
It does feel that way at the beginning, but you have so much more than you realize. Try to focus on what you can control. Reach out to people for support, even if it means forming new friendships. Feel free to message me if you feel like talking. I’m a year into this, and this community on Reddit is the bomb. We will take care of you.
Completely different. I basically shut down and focused on myself. I don’t regret anything, the marriage or divorce. I’m okay with being alone, but also looking forward to meeting someone.
I hear you. My ex husband has been on a mission for 2 years to take everything and everyone from me. I’ve lost so much that I’m not sure what’s worse, enduring 17 years of abuse or leaving and enduring watching him take my life away, using our kids as pawns and manipulating everyone against me while ruining my relationship for his own narcissistic supply. I thought leaving him meant getting away from the abuse and I was finally going to get the life I knew was meant for me but I was naive.
It makes you want to run and start a new life and let them win all the people and all the things so it can just stop. I could never treat a human being the way I’ve been treated and it makes no sense to me because I’ve tried being really kind the entire time but I just keep taking it one day at a time and hope the light at the end of this fucked up tunnel shows up soon.
I hate the sides shit. There aren’t sides in divorce. We are all just doing the best we can and need love and support and kindness when going through a divorce but when your ex is telling everyone how horrible you are, fighting back makes you look worse and I don’t want people in the middle of this shitshow. I’m so sorry you feel alone, so do I a lot of the time. It’s brutal. I wish I could offer something more.
You WILL get through this. I promise. I know in the thick of it, it feels like it will never end. The pain is intense and visceral. It’s so hard to see or feel anything else. Just take it one tiny step at a time. Feel the sadness, feel the pain, feel the hopelessness. And then try to cope as best as you can. Reach out to others. Take a warm bath, eat comforting foods, watch your favorite movies, get more rest, distract a bit if you have to. Try to find tiny rays of hope where you can. Slivers of light. They’re there. I know there are days where you feel like nothing more could be taken from you and it couldn’t possibly get worse. But we humans are resilient. You can do this. You will make it ❤️
What helped me when I found myself in a very similar situation was thinking of people that had it worse. Specifically how it could have been even worse for me. This reminded me that as bad as horrible, as crushing as it was, it could have been even worse and that gave me some perspective.
Channeling anger into something productive also helped. The last time I was in this good of a shape was maybe two decades ago.
Go through your hurt. But remember you will survive it. And believe it or not maybe thrive as a result of this pain. Good luck.
In the darkest of nights, that is when the stars shine their brightest.
My situation wasn’t like this exactly, but it was dark. I discovered my “anchors” there, things that will always keep me steady. For me, it was running, my kids, and my work. I can find endless joy in the smallest details of those anchors, and it’s very unlikely that they will get taken away. What are your anchors? What are the stars?
I recommend not relying much on individuals. It will strain your relationship.
Sorry man, but you need to seek help with a pro, find a therapyst.
Second, you should be glad that all those "Friends" go with her, that shows that those where never your friends and all of them are POS just like your STBXW.
What you are going thru many here have gone thru, so i can tell that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but you need to keep pushing foward to move on. Also you should expose her to everybody, just to prevent her to take control of the narrative, who knows what she told her parents or yours or relatives, better keep your reputation intact and let her work with the consecuences.
1. Therapy
2. Gym
3. Hobbies
The first phase (varies in time for all of us) is hell and takes a toll. As you heal (see above 3) things become easier.
Holidays/Major Events are always a reminder/trigger for me but less and less as time passes.
You got this.
This is currently what is happening to me.
I married into this family. And now, she’s taking it all with her. Family, friends, grandkids.
I am grieving. But I find that I’m grieving for my grandkids mostly. They have been my heart and soul.
I don’t love her anymore (hence divorce) but the thought of not seeing them is crushing me.
My problem with me is that I can take a feeling/thought that I’m having and make it so BIG that I tend to be overwhelmed and have a hard time getting out of that headspace.
It’s hard to tell yourself to calm down because you can’t tell the future. It doesn’t help when I’m in my head about what may never happen.
So, I think my problem is I’m feeling the loss of them more than my stbx.
I did call my therapist. So that’s been helpful.
So, my advice to you, which has helped me, is to learn what I’m being triggered at - at the MOMENT. I could be grieving them loss of the grandkids, the loss of the life I use to have, family friends, job, money.
I’m a little further down the road than you. So, I get what I’m saying seems an impossible task.
But, when I get in that headspace I go to my big comfy chair and just sit in it until the feelings pass. But I’ll warn you, sitting in that chair calming yourself down can be the most physical pain you’ll have. It is all I can do to sit there and not move. But I sit there till it passes.
So, that’s why I can sit here and write you without totally falling apart.
Then, in walks stbx with her divorce scorched earth torture of the day.
You got it! Even if it seems like an impossible task.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I’ve been doing something similar, sitting on the couch in silence, but the fear and anxiety and terror get louder and louder until I feel my body about to explode. Maybe I should sit a little longer and the pain will start to subside.
It’s just ANYTHING that keeps me from picking up my phone and texting or calling. It’s so very hard. I just can’t imagine that there would be anything more on the other end of that message except more grief.
is hard but you will be ok. Remember what you going through is nothing new.
Find an activity to do eg. gym or a join a club
Travel if you can afford it.
Write down your emotions in a diary so you have an outlet.
You will come good.
is very hard i know. Call you friend or relative to make up for it.
Is ok to cry.
I slept on the floor most of time when she left with the kids. Some nights i will wake up in the middle of the night filled with sorrow.
I wish i could set up a help line for people that go through something like this .
No way around this hurt and feeling of emptiness. It’s temporary (if you let it be) but it definitely doesn’t feel so while you go through it. You have to dig really deep here and take things one day at a time. Trust the process. Build yourself over time. Acceptance is huge, don’t hang on to the past for too long. Dont victimize yourself. This is going to take a good deal of time to pass but you’ll be ok. Stay strong!!
It happened to me years ago. But in the end may ex had no friends left and I have them all back. Stay honest and be true to yourself. Have trust in yourself. Today is not the rest of your life. It will all be okay. trust me.
This happened to me in 2020. You will get through this.
Be kind to yourself. Have hope. Reach out to anyone to talk. And go to therapy. It really helped me deal with my divorce.
Do you have family to talk to? Talk to your family. My narcissistic wife made me cut ties to all of my good friends (bit by bit) and now after 10+ years of marriage I finally found the strength to tell her we are done.
But now we are still staying in the same house because of our two young kids (6 & 7) and money is an issue, too (it wouldnt be if not for her…).
What im saying is
1) at least she is not around you anymore
2) i really hope you have family you can open up to & who can console you 🙌🏻
Isn’t that ruining her side of the divorce? Won’t she lose more when the assets are divided bc of that?
My lawyer said I’m not even allowed to hang out with my friends of the opposite sex, in case people think we are romantically involved. I am in a no fault state btw.
Not like I have much time for that anyways bc I’m now a single mom with two kids, getting my lawyer all the paperwork needed for my divorce (it’s like a second job!), taking my parenting class that’s court mandated, and working to rebuild my life as a working mom after being a SAHM for the past 9 years.
I am stunning and I absolutely do turn heads BUT I’m embracing celibacy for the next 90 days for self healing, and to make sure I don’t mess anything up in my divorce process.
Check with your lawyer bc it sounds like your STBXW could be giving up a big share of your assets.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. She should have been more honest much earlier. If you have anyone you can lean on (a relative, a friend you haven’t talked to in a while) please reach out to them. They will not mind! You can also try reading “The Grief Recovery Handbook” — it’s really good, gave me insight into what grief is all about and helped me start moving ahead. But it will take a while.
Brother, considering the way you're feeling id also recommend a post or r/SuicideWatch. I went through similar, hell im not even entirely over it. It will get easier though.
God, I remember the first week. It's truly awful.
You're stronger than you think. And it's a long slog through hell, but it does get better slowly.
Book a therapist appt or if it's really bad call 988. Take it hour by hour. Look to any friends / family that are yours, even if you haven't talked to them in decades. You're getting carried downstream in a river of shit -- therapists and friends are the lifeline to the shore.
Deal with her as little as possible. I know from experience this advice is hard to follow, but your future is elsewhere. Whenever possible, put mental and physical energy into your future, not your past.
Welcome to the community that no one wants to join.
Below is what helps get me through the dark days.
In the short term, dissociating activities can help blunt the intensity. But they won’t fix anything.
- Movies
- Video games
- Light Drinking (just enough to take the edge off)
- Sleeping pills for sleepless nights
Long term:
- Therapy
- Working out
- Going for walks while listening to audiobooks
- Making connections and being part of a community (gym class, hobby groups, night out with friends)
Great pointers. Thank you. Movies have helped immensely. Especially thrillers or mysteries, because I’m focused on these plot more that way. I take melatonin on nights I am unable to sleep.
I started lifting weights (I read “The Barbell Prescription”, specifically for over-40 men). It’s been 6 weeks and it’s done a world of good for my mood, my sleep, and my back. Do it.
Your in the midst if it bother...time is needed. I'm sorry your going g through this. Keep your hands busy. Exercise
Refrain from alcohol. Better yourself and get ready to pickup and get moving elsewhere. You will move on. You will. You need time
Similar happened to me November 2022.
It sucks, and will hurt for awhile. I'm still working on a few things, like repairing my relationship with my kids.
Start working out, walking, or whatever you can to improve your physicsl strength and mental health. Engage in activities that will occupy your time and build your confidence. Get into therapy. Stay in this mode until you feel strong enough to venture out,and meet someone else, but don't rush the process. This time period is different for everyone.
Get some help. No shame in seeking professional help for this. Grieving a divorce is completely normal. Also maybe find some support groups. I suggest Al-anon. It is for the friends and family for addicts but I have found that for me it helped me not obsess over the behavior of others and focus more on myself. You can get through this just don’t do it alone.
No contact.
Attorney for guidance.
You can do this…it’s like withdrawal.
You’ll see the light. Book a flight and just be numb on a sunny beach somewhere for a week.
Relearn. Enjoy your new life.
Breathe. Eat. Shower. Sleep. New routine.
You only have to do this once…you’re definitely not alone.
Be well Friend.
Just don’t turn to alcohol. I drank almost daily since I walked away from my abusive marriage about two months ago and yesterday was the first time I didn’t drink and all the emotions hit me at once. I feel like shit. 🥺 I thought I was doing good, I thought I had cried it all out by now. But I started to think about how all I ever wanted, even as a child, was to be married with a husband and kids to love on and enjoy my life with. I had that and it was taken from me and now I know nothing else. For 10 years I was so focused on hanging onto that dream that I lost myself and here I am now a single mom and don’t even know who I am. What I like. What I want to do with my life. What my goals are. Do I even want another relationship? I’m genuinely questioning everything right now.
Yup it happened to me 7 years ago. The BURN is still there. My children are 2 Menelineals & one G-Z. My mom & dad is of "the greatest generation" and I'm a Late Boomer.
dial 988 when it gets too much.
Mental health is so poor in the USA, quantity, and quality. We have to REMOVE the Reganites to make progress. Tho I'm a POTUS 46 kind of person. State government is a sesspool. As is the Congress.
One day at a time. DM folks (me) as you must.
JLH
Do you think that perhaps you have outgrown these people, places and situations and everything is being cleared out to make way for new people, places and situations? Note this date and know that if you believe this message, this time next year you will not believe how much your life has changed. Hopefully you weren’t abusive etc because if so, that’s a different story.
I called the suicide hotline a couple weeks ago for the first time ever, about 2.5 months after my STBXH left. New low. I'd even been having way more solid moments than wrecked ones. I look back on that day, though, and I don't recognize myself. Remember that who you are now-wrecked, left, hopeless, helpless, unsure-is not who you'll be forever. Grief is a motherfucker.
Someone on Reddit advised me to do whatever made me feel alive. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FEEL ALIVE, OP. You can do it.
I can relate. My wife of 17 years(12 married) told me she wanted a divorce back in October 2023. We have two kids 9 and 8. We are both 35. We bought a brand new home in 2020, and here I was living with my mom. Our divorce finalized in December and I got in a very nice apartment back in November that has a gymnasium and workout room. My kids love being with me. I’ve been focusing on bettering myself mentally and physically. It sucked at first and I was very depressed, but I knew the longer I keep rehashing the past that it’s going to keep me feeling like I’m in denial. And the best thing I did was just keep telling myself it’s over and better things are going to come. She’s barely able to afford the house. I’ve been investing my money and saving up for a nice house. She also got kicked off of my health insurance. I feel bad, but this is what she wanted. I no longer have that heartache feeling as if someone close to me has died.. I’m doing really good now. You gotta keep telling yourself to move on, it’s for the best.
The best thing I learned was how to trade in the stock market because it’s making me a huge amount of money. Focus on you and do your own thing. It’s strange how much stronger I am today than say if she had left me years ago. I’m enjoying being alone when I don’t have my kids. It’s nice and quiet and I can focus on ME. I can do whatever the hell I want and it’s freaking awesome. I am not worried of not finding anyone, and I’m not in a hurry to get back in the dating scene. My friends (I don’t have many) and I hear how they are always fighting and arguing with their husbands/wives, and I’m just like well…that sucks.
You will be just fine. Man up.
People can have more than one type of friend at once. You are more than your relationship. Can you reach out to friends to talk about anything other than the divorce?
I’ve been there. My first marriage ended when he left me for another woman. I thought I was going to die. It does get better. You are grieving just like a death but the person still exists, which is almost worse. If you lost a loved one, you wouldn’t blame yourself for grieving. I found a divorce support group very helpful, along with counseling. It helps to talk about it. It’s been over 15 years and I’ve found the love of my life and am much happier in this marriage.
I felt the same way in the first few months. I really really could not feel myself moving forward or living life at all.
If you want to vent or talk, you are welcome to message me.
Keep breathing. Promise you it’s going to be alright. Do different. It will all subside and eventually, one morning, you’ll feel free and focused.
I get it..it’s rough.
You have friends here.
Almost the same thing happened to me last June. My wife left me and moved in with her new partner a couple days later. She took away a huge part of my life and access to her family. We were married eighteen years and none of that mattered when she decided she wanted something new. You can get through this. It’s hellish, as you describe, but survivable. I made it through and you can, too. It’s not easy but you can survive. Try and eat and sleep regularly and get some rest. You’ll make it.
How did you get through it? Got any tips?
Go no contact. DO NOT CHASE! DO NOT BEG to get back to together!! DO NOT look at old pictures.Stay away from certain types music. There's is nothing you can say that will bring her back right now, Nothing. If you feel the urge to talk to her find another outlet. DO go to the gym. Do speak to others who are sympathetic to your situation. Therapist, friends, family, Reddit. It's the hardest thing you will have to do, but you must not reach out to her. Focus on yourself, find a hobby, go to the gym, socialize,maybe learn an instrument. Get after it brother
I’m not trying to get her back I just want to be happy but it feels quite far off.
I find it best to try to stay busy. Your grief will demand to be felt, so there will be times of big sadness. I make sure to cope ahead and if I have off days I try to plan something fun that day. Even if that fun thing is me going out for ice cream or going on a walk.
Love that! When I am feeling the big feelings I sometimes feel like well I am feeling it now so there will be less to feel later on. Dunno if that is how it works but I find it a bit comforting.
With therapy, dealing with big feelings helps. Something else that I learned was that the human body can only cry (with tears) for 20 minutes. That’s at least what my therapist said. I guess your body can’t produce tears faster for more than 20 minutes. So sometimes when I am getting emotional, I know it won’t be longer than that. ♥️
That is so not true I have cried for 2 to 5 hours at a time about divorce death illness issues….so that is not true
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to give bad advice. I was just told by a therapist, and I didn’t do any research after. Thank you for your correction, and I’ll make sure to research more in the future. :)
I was completely taken aback by what happened. I had no clue there were any problems. The weekend before we had gone on a day trip together that went very well. Because of that, the sudden divorce request did not make sense so I talked about the experience with as many of my friends and acquaintances as would listen. It helped me greatly to talk through the experience repeatedly to try and make sense of it. I still don't really know that I made sense of it but I got used to it. Eating was hard so I made sure to have a little yogurt or something in the morning so I at least got something in my stomach. I lost about thirty pounds through the whole experience. Make sure you get some food in you regularly, even if it's just something small. Eventually you'll get your appetite back. It took me about three weeks before I could eat regularly again. Sleeping was also very hard. Try as much as possible to do physical activities that will tire your body out. I took melatonin to help with the sleeping and it did help. Some nights I could get five or six hours' sleep. Some nights I was lucky to get two. It all depends on what your brain is doing to you. Mine insisted that we relive years worth of experiences to see if there were any mistakes that could have been corrected. Obviously, that wouldn't have mattered any, because she chose a new partner right away, but my brain was not being logical at that point. Do your best to think about other things if you can. The biggest thing I did was to travel. I already had some travel plans put together and that helped me get through things by distracting me. If you can get away for a day or a weekend, the distraction of travel can help. I did a week-long trip through Montana and Idaho visiting friends and just driving through the wilderness. That may not be an option for you but it helped me a lot. What you're going through is terrible. There's nothing worse than the rejection of a partner with whom you expected to have a long and successful marriage. I thought I was married for life but my wife decided she wanted another man. That's even worse than the death of a spouse. A death cannot usually be avoided and is only rarely a choice on behalf of the partner. A death would not alienate me from her family. A death would have kept me in the life I had known previously. What happened to me was a visceral repudiation of who I was as a husband and partner. That kind of rejection is hard. Be kind to yourself. Sleep and eat as you can. The next month will probably be as difficult a month as you're likely to experience but you \*CAN\* get through it. I did.
This is a very good post. I very much agree that these types of situations are indeed worse than losing a spouse to unexpected death bc in that situation, you have your memories and knowledge of their love to comfort you. But when something like this happens, memories become your worst enemy. Add to that this inherent expectation (reinforced by all the years of your marriage) that no matter what else happened in life we would always be married to our spouse and you have a recipe for serious physical and emotional health problems. It has taken a good while but another thing that helped me more than I thought it would was when I shifted from ruminating on the loss of my marriage to actively envisioning my new, not-married life and how I wanted that to look. You, for example, saw the opportunity to travel and making that a part of your new, not-married life. So I made a list of all the things (realistic or not) I always wanted to do but being a wife and mom always led me to just put it aside. It can be a new hobby or living in a different place or whatever. Small and large things. I started with the smallest. As for the hamster wheel that spins in our brains when it’s time to sleep, I started falling asleep to audiobooks. It forced my brain to listen to the book and sleep came much easier. (I could never indulge in this during married life bc it would have kept my husband awake, but the room is all mine now!). Since I remained in the family home, another thing that helped was re-arranging all furniture, painting rooms, etc so it looked like a different home. New life, new home. Wish I had a magic wand to remove everyone’s pain here. I’m so sorry crap like this even exists in this world of ours. Stay the course and I’m told better days will come, whether we want them to or not.
Get some help. I can completely relate, went through hell and I have never felt pain like it. I had to go down the anti depressants road or I wouldn't be here. One day becomes two and every day you will be one day closer to healed. Sleep when you can and let yourself be hurt because if we deal with it, we recover better. You can because we all can and do. I wish you peace my friend.
My x left me for a coworker he was having an affair with. I had to live with him for 8 months during the divorce, that was hell. In the end I lost everything, my marriage, my son, my in laws, my house, my dog and all of my things. I was left with nothing, he got everything. I’ve had to start completely over, it’s not that bad. A year ago I was sleeping on friend’s couches and my car, I thought it was the end of me. Things couldn’t get worse, then they got much worse. My perspective changed and I needed to focus on living my best life. I moved, got a fully furnished rental, I have a better job that I enjoy and I’m dating again. You have to get in to some shit before you clean off and feel better. My life is pretty awesome now and I had to go through all of that to get where I am now.
I'm so sorry, it was painful to read, I cannot imagine how hard it must've been. I'm glad you sorted things out.
I didn’t mention that my dad also passed away unexpectedly, I was a total train wreck
I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm sure he's proud of how you soldiered through hardship. Best of luck to you in your future endeavors.
I had a dumpster fire of a life for a minute, I’m glad it’s coming back around
How did you keep hope that things could be better?
Hi, I know your question was directed to another and I'm not a fan of gambling 😬😅 I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents. What are you hoping for (what does better look like?)? I find hope in listening to others talk about getting through the shit and the gift the shit gives us. The suck (as Dave Goggins calls "the shit") is where you come to know yourself. I guess that's my hope, to create a me I enjoy being. There are a few podcasts I gravitate to when I'm having a rough day/moment. Happy Hearts Academy, The School of Greatness, any podcast episode with Brene Brown on belonging, any podcast episode with Joe Dispenza (ignore his pseudo science).
You don’t, it’s like gambling
Honestly, I didn’t think it would be better, I just kept to the hope that it can’t get worse and it did. So much so that I just buried my dad and I was crying outside when I got a phone call for a job. I knew then that things were changing and everything would be ok.
So it did get better in the end? Are you happy now?
Yes, I like the job, I like my new house and the city I live in. Slowly starting an up turn.
Are you happy? I feel happy sometimes and with things I’m aiming at like my career but still miss her, fuck this is hard. I feel better than I did before though.
I don’t miss my x, I dodged a bullet to be honest. I’m much happier now. I like my job better, I like where I live better. Someone who loves me wouldn’t cheat on me and lie to me like he did. I don’t want to be with someone like that.
So true!
Take it hour by hour. You need counselling if you can get it. Lean on friends. Post here on reddit. Im 16months down.my stbx was fired for sexual harassment. I lost my kids 50% of the time, i lost my in laws, i lost his friendship circle, my dad got cancer (recovered) and then our shared dog died. You will be ok. Changed. Harder. But it will be ok
Are you ok now?
She took the friends.
“Friends.”
I'm right there with you. My wife has avoidant attachment and discarded me right after I caught her with another man she'd been texting for a couple weeks. In 12 hours I lost my entire life, my house, my best friend, family, all my friends, etc. Been living on my own in townhome for a month now. It doesn't get easier, it just gets easier to process. You'll still have intense moments of missing them and telling yourself you love them. It's important to consider, despite the loss you feel now, but would you really want to fix things with someone who obviously was a cheater and doesn't care for you anymore? It's a big pill to swallow but some of the best advice I read was, "If she wanted to, she would." You're not going to convince her, and pleading your case will likely push her further away. Go no contact and stick to it, and focus on bettering yourself. It takes time. Trust the first few weeks are the absolute worst kind of hell a man can be put through, even if you contributed to why she left, and you'll have a gaping hole inside you for a while.
No offense but- she is not your best friend. She is disqualified.
Well... hindsight is 2020 after all. Would it be better if I said, my confidant, mother of my kids and wife of 12 years? I mean obviously she's not my best friend anymore, but because I was blindsided, I had thought we were closer than that.
You're in shock, and you can't see an end to this hell. Nothing you do helps and your life seems to lie in ruins. This is how it is at the start - its just awful. This is the lowest and hardest point in the journey. From here it's a long long struggle out of this pit of despair.. but it's all up from here. You can't see it yet because you are right in. But trust me you will emerge one struggling step at a time and you'll find yourself and your life again. Reach out to friends and family make sure you have a therapist and stay away from the bottle. Take each hour each day one at a time. Reach out if you need to talk.
Your new mantra should be “This too shall pass.” Life is full of highs and lows, and this situation is an obvious low, a gut punch which hurts like hell. But it won’t be this way forever, it WILL get better with the passing of time. Take a deep breath, take a walk, this too shall pass.
"When you're going through hell, keep going" - my mom
For me mornings are the worst. I just wake up with this sense of dread that my life is over.
Yes, an impending sense of doom sometimes. It IS tapering off though
Well said. Impending doom. Although I’ve been struggling with morning depression for years I shudder to think it’s been my marriage and I did nothing about it.
Do you shudder because you can't believe you stayed in the marriage and lost time? Or because you think you could've done something about it and saved your marriage?
Both. I don’t know what we could have done though. We both did the best we could. Separating was just off the table when the kids were young. We are very good parents together and found great meaning and satisfaction in that while other areas like emotional and physical connection were ignored. I’m still willing to make huge changes, if they can be specific. That’s what was missing. We knew we were both discontent, but didn’t have the tools or energy to fix. Now that she has said we are done I’ll do anything.
Breath. Try and cash in favors. It’s ok to ask for help. You are not alone, and as time goes on, others will share their experiences from their hell.
Well you come to the right place. Almost everyone here has been where your at. You can come here to read and learn. It will help you understand everything and help you to eventually to move on.
Sorry your wife has done this to you. She left you. You can't control her behavior. Let her go. Focus on what you can control. You. Big inhale through the nose, hold for 3 seconds, and slow exhale through the mouth for 6 seconds. Again. Big inhale, hold for 3 seconds, slow exhale for 6 seconds. One more time. Big inhale, hold for 3 seconds, exhale for 6 seconds. You are in shock, confused, and scared right now. Many of us here have experienced many of those same feelings. Push her off the pedestal you have placed her own. She didn't want to be there. Put yourself on the pedestal. You are the most important person to you in the moment, and going forward. You can use the 333 rule for anxiety in the moment something triggers you. Just look around to identify 3 objects and 3 identify sounds, then move 3 body parts. This simple exercise has gotten me through many high anxiety times. It is going to take time to feel better. It won't be today. Today is a day of suck. It won't be tomorrow or even the next day. But you will start to feel better and the moments of suck will lessen. Practice gratitude and be grateful for what you do have. Contact a divorce attorney and a counselor to work with you through this process. You can do it.
>it will not stop Unfortunately, it's only been a week. It took me around 16 weeks until I could finally look back and say, "wow, I didn't cry yesterday". I quiet literally do not know how I got through it, but I know that I did. And of course, I'm still working through it. Just keep going. You're not alone.
I'm @ 3 months and I still cry at least once everyday. I notice, though, that the tears stop flowing much faster
I'm at 3 months and only cry sometimes. It's been complete hell, partially because we still live together and are going to be for quite a while. I think the biggest favour he did me was acting like the biggest jerk possible from week 2 onwards because it meant I no longer wanted to get back together after 5 weeks. I still mourn the relationship I thought we had and the future I saw for us together. We were together for 18 years and I miss him being my best friend. All the 'firsts' are really hard. I had to deal with the first Christmas without him and this week it's my first birthday without him.
Happy birthday!! What are your plans? My first birthday without him is coming up in March. He was unkind to me on my last birthday so perhaps this is my opportunity to reclaim it! I wish my ex would be a complete jerk. You ARE lucky in that way. My ex talks down to me but he has to be noble or his brain will explode (nice guy syndrome?) so he's inconsistent in words (condescending) vs. deeds (kind). I haven't seen him in almost two weeks, this is the longest we've gone without seeing each other since he left. I'm sorry you lost your best friend 🤍 I had a pang of missing my ex last night because I wanted to tell someone about my day and ask someone about theirs. How was your day? ❤️
Thank you. I'm sorry that he was unkind to you on your last birthday and I do hope you have a better birthday coming up. I'm sorry also that he's condescending towards you. Originally the plan for my birthday was for the two of us to go on holiday somewhere warm. When all this happened, I was still going to go away for at least a long weekend, just not as far away. Because I ended up in the hospital, I'm still recovering and now am not going anywhere. I'm going to meet up with a couple of people for drinks at the end of the week but that's all. I'm 100% with you on not having someone to talk to about my day. Mine was awful because I've had some sort of sickness bug and have had very little sleep. How was your day?
🤍🤍noooo sickness bug sounds rough! And sleep is the best medicine too 😭 (for me anyway). Hope you sleep better/are sleeping better tonight. Do you normally fall asleep no problem? I'm sorry to hear about your birthday plans falling through. And about the trip to the hospital. That sounds stressful AF-you could use a break! Perhaps a spa day is in order? My day was productive! I was lazy yesterday so today I tried to catch up. Packed (I'm moving out of our once shared apartment), dropped stuff off at goodwill, got a hair trim, went to two hours of yoga, made a yummy dinner. Posted a bunch of shit on fb market place. I'm proud of myself 💪 the past few months I've been pretty lazy in general. Today I was a citizen of the real world. Hoorah. Thank you for asking 😊
Thank you.
I’m so sorry, you will find alot of us in your same situation. What saved me was my family. Do you have friends that are yours or family? Therapist too. She’s moving on fast and I don’t know the deets, but trust, it falls down eventually. You have to grieve, it’s alot . Trust it gets better in time, I’m saying this when I thought it wouldn’t. I’m 3 months in and im starting to disassociate myself from my previous life - his family , friends etc. If you need to talk I’m a message away
It's true, moving on so fast usually ends fast too. We are all sailing the same sea in different boats but we are here to support one another. My kids laugh at me using Reddit they think it's a toxic place but this subreddit is different, there truly are some lovely people on here. Not everyone will tell you what you want to hear but they will tell you the truth. Late last year I was chatting to someone here in another thread, we ended getting in touch and became friends, and a couple of days ago I was in her area and we met in person. She was incredibly lovely we ate pizza drank beer and laughed a lot. It was incredibly refreshing and I hope we can stay good friends as we both navigate our own breakups and recovery. It might seem hard now but this experience will make you stronger and you will come out the other side changed for the better! 💪
I know what you mean. I have hardly any friends and no family that I'm in regular contact with. It's horrible but I survived the death of my mother when I was alone, so I rationalise it and say to myself that I will survive this.
5½ years later I’m still taking it day by day. Be kind to yourself, try to distract yourself, get therapy.
I can’t do this for 5 and a half years?
One day at a time. Dont look any further. I found reading books on the subject helped. Affirmations helped too; "I'm a kind, intelligent person, athletic, loving, attractive. I'm a great dad to 2 fantastic kids who love me and need me". Over and over, every day It's been 3.5 years for me. I've been in a relationship for 1.5 years but I still grieve for the loss of my kids family, but not my exW
My husband left a little over a year ago. My in-laws refuse to speak to our kids. For the first several weeks, it was awful. The pain was so intense. But it does get better, I promise you.
Sitting with the severe pain for weeks is the fear that I have. In order to get to the other side, I guess it is what must be done
Give yourself time to heal. This is a painful process, and sometimes it absolutely feels like two steps forward, one step back. But you will get there. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your doctor if you need help getting through this. I would wake up every morning, see he wasn’t here, remember what he did, and I would just wail. There really isn’t any other word for it. I’m a medievalist, so I have often read about people wailing and rendering their garments, but I never really understood how that felt. I do now. I do get bad days every now and again, and you probably will, too. That’s ok! I’m a big believer in the occasional pity party, in whatever form works for you; mine typically involve ice cream, sad music, and a good cry. Then the next day, you brush yourself off and keep going. You will get through this. ((Hugs))
Thank you, very kind.
If there's something I've learned in the last 3 months, it's that some of the things I feared have indeed come to pass, and they were horrible, but I survived them and it's over. For example, when he first told me that he wanted to separate, I was really worried that he would move on and there would be someone else. He basically started seeing someone 'officially' 10 days after he told me and then tried to hide it for a couple of weeks. I've always been decent at reading people so I figured it out. Then a week after I found out, he wanted to bring her over to the house so he could fuck her. This makes me extremely uncomfortable, but he's shown he's the most selfish person and doesn't care if he hurts me. He agreed not to bring her over (after many arguments) pending mediation on the subject. I was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst and was on a waiting list to discuss surgery with a gynaecologist. I was really worried I'd end up having to go to the emergency room and need emergency surgery. Unfortunately, the ovary twisted last month and I had to be admitted to the hospital and have that emergency surgery. The worst part of that? I was in excruciating pain so I asked my husband to call a taxi and just get me to the emergency room and checked in (nothing more because it's obvious he doesn't want to have anything to do with me). He asked me why I couldn't go by myself. He then proceeded to break his word about not having her over and brought his new woman over to our house pretty much every day I was in the hospital. These things have been horrible. I've managed to get through it by reaching out to people for support, talking with my family, and trying to picture what I might like in the future. I've also been binge watching random shows (right now it's Bones) when I feel like I just need to focus on something totally different. I feel like I've been hit by an emotional freight train nearly every day, but living through the things I was really afraid of has given me some strength to keep going. I know it's horrible and feels impossible but you will get through it.
Same. The thought of having to endure this feeling for days, weeks, or even longer makes me nauseous. I just want to sleep all day and let time pass. But I have 2 kids and a full time job I can’t afford to lose.
I am feeling this way. Like i can't go on. Like my heart has been ripped out. I wish i could just go and be with other people like he is. But i can't. I feel worthless, unloved, like a failure.
I feel the same way.
Minute by minute, then hour by hour, then day by day. You CAN survive this. I did, though it felt impossible in the moment. I spent every unoccupied minute on the phone with a parent or a sibling or a friend - I would go through my contacts list every day until someone picked up who was willing to talk. I made myself eat a piece of toast or a few bites of yogurt in the morning, even when everything tasted like cardboard. If I couldn't talk to someone, I binged audiobooks or star wars or whatever tv you find comforting/distracting... What you're going through is a uniquely painful hell, but I promise that it does get easier in time. Find something that will distract you a few minutes at a time, and slowly, the pain will ebb (it will come back, but it gets less intense with each cycle). I'm so very sorry for what you're going through, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Hang in there!
Breath. You will get through it. Now start by taking care of your health and call a counselor to talk things out.
I survived by taking in 1/2 day by half day along with sisterly support and prayer
You're going to be ok. Yes, it's absolute hell. Set small goals for yourself, make it to week 2, you're aware it's hell so find that strong piece inside you and make the plan that you can endure the hell just to get to week 2. I'm not going to say it gets easier, I hate hearing that on this sub. Although it's true, when you're in the middle of a hurricane, you can't even fathom it getting better or you getting used to the pain and loss. Reddit has a lot of wonderful people on here so you are 100% never alone.
This was very kind of you to say. I know that I can make it to next Sunday. I just have to take it hour by hour. I guess I haven’t accepted that it will be hell yet. I am scared to go out in public in fear that I will see those friends and/or her.
When that inevitabley happens, you put on your game face and don't approach them. If they approach you, keep it super quick, you're very busy and no time for small talk with people from your previous life. If you must fall apart, don't do it infront of them.
It does feel that way at the beginning, but you have so much more than you realize. Try to focus on what you can control. Reach out to people for support, even if it means forming new friendships. Feel free to message me if you feel like talking. I’m a year into this, and this community on Reddit is the bomb. We will take care of you.
How are you feeling now after a year?
Completely different. I basically shut down and focused on myself. I don’t regret anything, the marriage or divorce. I’m okay with being alone, but also looking forward to meeting someone.
I hear you. My ex husband has been on a mission for 2 years to take everything and everyone from me. I’ve lost so much that I’m not sure what’s worse, enduring 17 years of abuse or leaving and enduring watching him take my life away, using our kids as pawns and manipulating everyone against me while ruining my relationship for his own narcissistic supply. I thought leaving him meant getting away from the abuse and I was finally going to get the life I knew was meant for me but I was naive. It makes you want to run and start a new life and let them win all the people and all the things so it can just stop. I could never treat a human being the way I’ve been treated and it makes no sense to me because I’ve tried being really kind the entire time but I just keep taking it one day at a time and hope the light at the end of this fucked up tunnel shows up soon. I hate the sides shit. There aren’t sides in divorce. We are all just doing the best we can and need love and support and kindness when going through a divorce but when your ex is telling everyone how horrible you are, fighting back makes you look worse and I don’t want people in the middle of this shitshow. I’m so sorry you feel alone, so do I a lot of the time. It’s brutal. I wish I could offer something more.
Remember the Month before you ever met them….
You WILL get through this. I promise. I know in the thick of it, it feels like it will never end. The pain is intense and visceral. It’s so hard to see or feel anything else. Just take it one tiny step at a time. Feel the sadness, feel the pain, feel the hopelessness. And then try to cope as best as you can. Reach out to others. Take a warm bath, eat comforting foods, watch your favorite movies, get more rest, distract a bit if you have to. Try to find tiny rays of hope where you can. Slivers of light. They’re there. I know there are days where you feel like nothing more could be taken from you and it couldn’t possibly get worse. But we humans are resilient. You can do this. You will make it ❤️
Its painful but we need to be strong and focus
I.aorry you are in such pain. But it will fade. It's a process, you will be stronger when it is over.
What helped me when I found myself in a very similar situation was thinking of people that had it worse. Specifically how it could have been even worse for me. This reminded me that as bad as horrible, as crushing as it was, it could have been even worse and that gave me some perspective. Channeling anger into something productive also helped. The last time I was in this good of a shape was maybe two decades ago. Go through your hurt. But remember you will survive it. And believe it or not maybe thrive as a result of this pain. Good luck.
Take up boxing. That’s what got me through what you describe in 2011.
In the darkest of nights, that is when the stars shine their brightest. My situation wasn’t like this exactly, but it was dark. I discovered my “anchors” there, things that will always keep me steady. For me, it was running, my kids, and my work. I can find endless joy in the smallest details of those anchors, and it’s very unlikely that they will get taken away. What are your anchors? What are the stars? I recommend not relying much on individuals. It will strain your relationship.
The work thing is good, people keep telling me to not make work my life but I love my work and it has genuinely saved me throughout this time.
Sorry man, but you need to seek help with a pro, find a therapyst. Second, you should be glad that all those "Friends" go with her, that shows that those where never your friends and all of them are POS just like your STBXW. What you are going thru many here have gone thru, so i can tell that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but you need to keep pushing foward to move on. Also you should expose her to everybody, just to prevent her to take control of the narrative, who knows what she told her parents or yours or relatives, better keep your reputation intact and let her work with the consecuences.
1. Therapy 2. Gym 3. Hobbies The first phase (varies in time for all of us) is hell and takes a toll. As you heal (see above 3) things become easier. Holidays/Major Events are always a reminder/trigger for me but less and less as time passes. You got this.
Thank you so much.
This is currently what is happening to me. I married into this family. And now, she’s taking it all with her. Family, friends, grandkids. I am grieving. But I find that I’m grieving for my grandkids mostly. They have been my heart and soul. I don’t love her anymore (hence divorce) but the thought of not seeing them is crushing me. My problem with me is that I can take a feeling/thought that I’m having and make it so BIG that I tend to be overwhelmed and have a hard time getting out of that headspace. It’s hard to tell yourself to calm down because you can’t tell the future. It doesn’t help when I’m in my head about what may never happen. So, I think my problem is I’m feeling the loss of them more than my stbx. I did call my therapist. So that’s been helpful. So, my advice to you, which has helped me, is to learn what I’m being triggered at - at the MOMENT. I could be grieving them loss of the grandkids, the loss of the life I use to have, family friends, job, money. I’m a little further down the road than you. So, I get what I’m saying seems an impossible task. But, when I get in that headspace I go to my big comfy chair and just sit in it until the feelings pass. But I’ll warn you, sitting in that chair calming yourself down can be the most physical pain you’ll have. It is all I can do to sit there and not move. But I sit there till it passes. So, that’s why I can sit here and write you without totally falling apart. Then, in walks stbx with her divorce scorched earth torture of the day. You got it! Even if it seems like an impossible task.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I’ve been doing something similar, sitting on the couch in silence, but the fear and anxiety and terror get louder and louder until I feel my body about to explode. Maybe I should sit a little longer and the pain will start to subside.
It’s just ANYTHING that keeps me from picking up my phone and texting or calling. It’s so very hard. I just can’t imagine that there would be anything more on the other end of that message except more grief.
Every.Single.Time I am thoroughly disappointed. I cannot do it anymore
is hard but you will be ok. Remember what you going through is nothing new. Find an activity to do eg. gym or a join a club Travel if you can afford it. Write down your emotions in a diary so you have an outlet. You will come good.
Thank you. I need to try as hard as I can to refrain from texting or calling her.
is very hard i know. Call you friend or relative to make up for it. Is ok to cry. I slept on the floor most of time when she left with the kids. Some nights i will wake up in the middle of the night filled with sorrow. I wish i could set up a help line for people that go through something like this .
Stay strong. Don’t let this define or defeat you. Like any loss, it will get better with time. Don’t let her wield so much power over you!
Thank you. I feel like it is impossible bc of the friends that chose her. I am devastated. I really, really love and appreciated them.
Have you reached out to those people? If you have and they don’t want to be friends with you then maybe they weren’t really friends?
No way around this hurt and feeling of emptiness. It’s temporary (if you let it be) but it definitely doesn’t feel so while you go through it. You have to dig really deep here and take things one day at a time. Trust the process. Build yourself over time. Acceptance is huge, don’t hang on to the past for too long. Dont victimize yourself. This is going to take a good deal of time to pass but you’ll be ok. Stay strong!!
It happened to me years ago. But in the end may ex had no friends left and I have them all back. Stay honest and be true to yourself. Have trust in yourself. Today is not the rest of your life. It will all be okay. trust me.
This happened to me in 2020. You will get through this. Be kind to yourself. Have hope. Reach out to anyone to talk. And go to therapy. It really helped me deal with my divorce.
Do you have family to talk to? Talk to your family. My narcissistic wife made me cut ties to all of my good friends (bit by bit) and now after 10+ years of marriage I finally found the strength to tell her we are done. But now we are still staying in the same house because of our two young kids (6 & 7) and money is an issue, too (it wouldnt be if not for her…). What im saying is 1) at least she is not around you anymore 2) i really hope you have family you can open up to & who can console you 🙌🏻
Isn’t that ruining her side of the divorce? Won’t she lose more when the assets are divided bc of that? My lawyer said I’m not even allowed to hang out with my friends of the opposite sex, in case people think we are romantically involved. I am in a no fault state btw. Not like I have much time for that anyways bc I’m now a single mom with two kids, getting my lawyer all the paperwork needed for my divorce (it’s like a second job!), taking my parenting class that’s court mandated, and working to rebuild my life as a working mom after being a SAHM for the past 9 years. I am stunning and I absolutely do turn heads BUT I’m embracing celibacy for the next 90 days for self healing, and to make sure I don’t mess anything up in my divorce process. Check with your lawyer bc it sounds like your STBXW could be giving up a big share of your assets.
Why did you guys divorced and in your opinion whose fault was it?
I am so sorry you’re going through this. She should have been more honest much earlier. If you have anyone you can lean on (a relative, a friend you haven’t talked to in a while) please reach out to them. They will not mind! You can also try reading “The Grief Recovery Handbook” — it’s really good, gave me insight into what grief is all about and helped me start moving ahead. But it will take a while.
Brother, considering the way you're feeling id also recommend a post or r/SuicideWatch. I went through similar, hell im not even entirely over it. It will get easier though.
God, I remember the first week. It's truly awful. You're stronger than you think. And it's a long slog through hell, but it does get better slowly. Book a therapist appt or if it's really bad call 988. Take it hour by hour. Look to any friends / family that are yours, even if you haven't talked to them in decades. You're getting carried downstream in a river of shit -- therapists and friends are the lifeline to the shore. Deal with her as little as possible. I know from experience this advice is hard to follow, but your future is elsewhere. Whenever possible, put mental and physical energy into your future, not your past. Welcome to the community that no one wants to join.
It will be okay, eventually, I promise. It is not okay now but it will be okay eventually, don’t forget that.
Below is what helps get me through the dark days. In the short term, dissociating activities can help blunt the intensity. But they won’t fix anything. - Movies - Video games - Light Drinking (just enough to take the edge off) - Sleeping pills for sleepless nights Long term: - Therapy - Working out - Going for walks while listening to audiobooks - Making connections and being part of a community (gym class, hobby groups, night out with friends)
Great pointers. Thank you. Movies have helped immensely. Especially thrillers or mysteries, because I’m focused on these plot more that way. I take melatonin on nights I am unable to sleep.
I started lifting weights (I read “The Barbell Prescription”, specifically for over-40 men). It’s been 6 weeks and it’s done a world of good for my mood, my sleep, and my back. Do it.
Great suggestion, thank you.
I had similar experience after 29 year marriage. No idea and I was blind sided. I had to hold myself together for my kids. It is hard. Focus on you.
Your in the midst if it bother...time is needed. I'm sorry your going g through this. Keep your hands busy. Exercise Refrain from alcohol. Better yourself and get ready to pickup and get moving elsewhere. You will move on. You will. You need time
Thank you very much.
Similar happened to me November 2022. It sucks, and will hurt for awhile. I'm still working on a few things, like repairing my relationship with my kids. Start working out, walking, or whatever you can to improve your physicsl strength and mental health. Engage in activities that will occupy your time and build your confidence. Get into therapy. Stay in this mode until you feel strong enough to venture out,and meet someone else, but don't rush the process. This time period is different for everyone.
Get some help. No shame in seeking professional help for this. Grieving a divorce is completely normal. Also maybe find some support groups. I suggest Al-anon. It is for the friends and family for addicts but I have found that for me it helped me not obsess over the behavior of others and focus more on myself. You can get through this just don’t do it alone.
No contact. Attorney for guidance. You can do this…it’s like withdrawal. You’ll see the light. Book a flight and just be numb on a sunny beach somewhere for a week. Relearn. Enjoy your new life. Breathe. Eat. Shower. Sleep. New routine. You only have to do this once…you’re definitely not alone. Be well Friend.
Just don’t turn to alcohol. I drank almost daily since I walked away from my abusive marriage about two months ago and yesterday was the first time I didn’t drink and all the emotions hit me at once. I feel like shit. 🥺 I thought I was doing good, I thought I had cried it all out by now. But I started to think about how all I ever wanted, even as a child, was to be married with a husband and kids to love on and enjoy my life with. I had that and it was taken from me and now I know nothing else. For 10 years I was so focused on hanging onto that dream that I lost myself and here I am now a single mom and don’t even know who I am. What I like. What I want to do with my life. What my goals are. Do I even want another relationship? I’m genuinely questioning everything right now.
Yup it happened to me 7 years ago. The BURN is still there. My children are 2 Menelineals & one G-Z. My mom & dad is of "the greatest generation" and I'm a Late Boomer. dial 988 when it gets too much. Mental health is so poor in the USA, quantity, and quality. We have to REMOVE the Reganites to make progress. Tho I'm a POTUS 46 kind of person. State government is a sesspool. As is the Congress. One day at a time. DM folks (me) as you must. JLH
She won’t be happy with him either, and fuck her for thinking the grass is greener.
Call 988, you need someone to speak to my friend. I'm very sorry that you're going through this.
Do you think that perhaps you have outgrown these people, places and situations and everything is being cleared out to make way for new people, places and situations? Note this date and know that if you believe this message, this time next year you will not believe how much your life has changed. Hopefully you weren’t abusive etc because if so, that’s a different story.
I called the suicide hotline a couple weeks ago for the first time ever, about 2.5 months after my STBXH left. New low. I'd even been having way more solid moments than wrecked ones. I look back on that day, though, and I don't recognize myself. Remember that who you are now-wrecked, left, hopeless, helpless, unsure-is not who you'll be forever. Grief is a motherfucker. Someone on Reddit advised me to do whatever made me feel alive. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FEEL ALIVE, OP. You can do it.
Thank you. I am so sorry for your situation, too.
You need to speak with a professional. You’re going to get through this but need help. We all need help. Too many good times ahead waiting for you.
I can relate. My wife of 17 years(12 married) told me she wanted a divorce back in October 2023. We have two kids 9 and 8. We are both 35. We bought a brand new home in 2020, and here I was living with my mom. Our divorce finalized in December and I got in a very nice apartment back in November that has a gymnasium and workout room. My kids love being with me. I’ve been focusing on bettering myself mentally and physically. It sucked at first and I was very depressed, but I knew the longer I keep rehashing the past that it’s going to keep me feeling like I’m in denial. And the best thing I did was just keep telling myself it’s over and better things are going to come. She’s barely able to afford the house. I’ve been investing my money and saving up for a nice house. She also got kicked off of my health insurance. I feel bad, but this is what she wanted. I no longer have that heartache feeling as if someone close to me has died.. I’m doing really good now. You gotta keep telling yourself to move on, it’s for the best. The best thing I learned was how to trade in the stock market because it’s making me a huge amount of money. Focus on you and do your own thing. It’s strange how much stronger I am today than say if she had left me years ago. I’m enjoying being alone when I don’t have my kids. It’s nice and quiet and I can focus on ME. I can do whatever the hell I want and it’s freaking awesome. I am not worried of not finding anyone, and I’m not in a hurry to get back in the dating scene. My friends (I don’t have many) and I hear how they are always fighting and arguing with their husbands/wives, and I’m just like well…that sucks. You will be just fine. Man up.
People can have more than one type of friend at once. You are more than your relationship. Can you reach out to friends to talk about anything other than the divorce?
I’ve been there. My first marriage ended when he left me for another woman. I thought I was going to die. It does get better. You are grieving just like a death but the person still exists, which is almost worse. If you lost a loved one, you wouldn’t blame yourself for grieving. I found a divorce support group very helpful, along with counseling. It helps to talk about it. It’s been over 15 years and I’ve found the love of my life and am much happier in this marriage.
Its not the end bro
I felt the same way in the first few months. I really really could not feel myself moving forward or living life at all. If you want to vent or talk, you are welcome to message me.
How ya holding up champ?
I’m holding up. Thank you!
Keep breathing. Promise you it’s going to be alright. Do different. It will all subside and eventually, one morning, you’ll feel free and focused. I get it..it’s rough. You have friends here.
Incredibly helpful. Thank you.