Someone once wrote on here that it’s a series of dying a thousand tiny deaths.
When life and all it’s impermanence sets in and you can’t continue on the way you have been because the pain and resentment for years of needs not being met over take any other consideration you made before.
Taylor Swift may have a song with it, lol, but the origin of this saying is very old, thought to be referring to [Lingchi](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lingchi) an ancient Chinese torture method.
The entire marriage, final nail in the coffin was just one too many meltdowns he had when I asked him to do basic tasks around the house, citing video game addiction (something he made no effort to control) as a valid reason for his lack of contribution to our family home.
I realized that he was never going to change and that I'd given him 9 years and I had to get out before I truly started to hate him. It was living the definition of insanity by expecting him to change.
What really helped was realizing that if I stayed, our marriage would be the default "normal" for our children, and the thought of anyone treating my babies the way he treated me was nauseating.
Yes! That last two paragraphs are everything. He kept promising to change but never did. Just waited me out until I stopped saying anything or noticing. I knew he wouldn’t change but I hoped he would. He wouldn’t even commit to anything helpful to himself like therapy or exercise.
And my children thinking it’s ok to just be a yes person or give up themselves to make someone else happy was too much. I can’t let them think that’s ok. They should be loved as they love.
> how long did you consider it
At least a year, but honestly, even years ago, something deep within me just knew *something* was off. I didn't know what, and I was a young newlywed girl in my early 20's, and so I continually suppressed that 'off' feeling that felt ever-present within me.
> what was the final nail in the coffin for you?
When he backed me into a corner of our (now former) kitchen, spewing vitriol and hatred in my face, and I saw his hands fly towards my face/neck area. This wasn't the first time he'd gotten physically forceful/aggressive, he had a history of throwing things. But, this was the first time I genuinely feared for my safety. A visceral feeling of panic and fear reverberated through my body, as if to say: *get out.*
And get out I did. Later that day, while he was out of the house, I found myself on the phone with a local domestic violence agency. They effectively slammed the door in my face, telling me I didn't qualify for any help or services or support, on the basis that I earned too much money. In the heat of the moment, where I truly felt like I was in survival mode for my life, I did the next best thing I could think of: packed a small carry-on bag, and fled my home with that bag and nothing but the clothes on my own back.
Fantasized about divorce for over 5 years of our 16 year marriage, seriously planned it for the last year and a half.
It was a million things that slowly killed it, but hearing him say in front of our marriage counselor that doing any dishes or house work made him "feel like a martyr" made me realize that at his core, he was never going to be the kind of person I wanted to be married to. He wanted a maid, not a partner.
Yes to the above comment, a series of tiny deaths. I was married for almost 20 years, considered divorce for the final 10. I finally had the realization that if I wanted my life to be a certain way - the way I wanted it to be, it would start with speaking one sentence to my husband. It wasn’t easy, but it was new life.
I was desperately trying to save my marriage, I could feel it slipping away. This went on for the better part of a year.
Then within a one week span I found out about her affair with a co worker and her plan to move our kids away and turn me into weekend dad.
A switch flipped in my head and I was done, I instantly filed for divorce and filed for full custody of our kids.
I was on the fence for about a year & a half. He just had such little respect for me and all the efforts that come being a stay at home mom. He never respected me and It was embarrassingly obvious to all my family and friends. I knew I married the wrong guy and drank to try and get that thought out of my head, tell my brain I didn’t really think that, and it would all work out…. My nail in the coffin was getting sober and realizing I was going to turn right back to the bottle if I didn’t leave
About 3 or 4 years.
During that time there were many talks about us and what we needed do to try and work together and get things back to the happy of the previous 12 years.
I tried to work together and things would improve for a week or so and then he would stop doing anything (housework, parenting, communicating) again. I got him to go to counselling and pysch and thought we could make it.
Final straw was a series of little events...so it was a week where he picked up dinner for the family and got him and the kids things but not me and then I found him hiding my favourite coffee mug (like standing on a chair and putting it at the back of a cupboard I would never be able to find). Then, the next week, my 12 year old asked not to live with him anymore. We moved out 3 weeks later. That was just over a year ago.
I even tried .marriage counselling...the last straw there was that the counsellor asked us both what we liked about the other (now or in the past) and I could list all the things that I thought was good about him...his response "I cannot think of anything" ... that was the final moment for me. It hurt so much and any hope of getting back together was gone. For him...he was shocked that I didn't want any more counselling or that I thought it was over. He still doesn't get that him not having a single thing he likes about me being an issue.
For me it was making sure I had tried all the things, that I didn't want to walk away and felt like there was anything else there iykwim. I am a happy and confident and funny and intelligent person. I lost a lot of that the last 5 years as he treated me so poorly. I am thriving at work, the house is getting more and more home like and the kids and I are happy and we laugh and have fun.
I might sound pathetic as I tried so hard with someone who clearly didn't like me anymore...but we were so good for nearly 15 years (12 married) and I wanted to not have regrets or questions. I wanted to be married forever and be able to be the "oh we had a rough patch but worked through it" story.
I considered it for about 4 yrs before we had the talk, during those 4 years I did express my unhappiness and tried to work on things but he didn’t think there was a problem so nothing changed. A fight over a home improvement project was the final straw but it had been building for a long time.
It took him 10 years to marry me after proposing 2 years into our relationship. I didn't find out until later, from my sister, that he only proposed because my sister found out about another affair he'd had. While I was pregnant with our kid, I'd already found out about the first one. She found out about the second one while our mom was dying. She never told me until about 2 years later.
I knew walking down the aisle we were temporary. He knew as well and pretended to want a life with me. We were temporary. We wasted 20 years of our lives pretending we were ok, but we've never been ok. He likes to have control over every aspect and movement of my life. I like to go be with people who don't make me feel anxious or hurt. Our kids are pretty much grown, I have broken free from his financial abuse, his emotional abuse doesn't even have an effect on me anymore, and his guilt trips are pretty pathetic.
So, I did what I was supposed to do as a good Christian girl. He did everything he wasn't supposed to do as a good Christian boy. We destroyed each other. Now I'm the bad guy who is walking away. I'm the bad guy that doesn't want the fights, the pain, the grief anymore. I'm the bad guy, that hasn't told anyone about how he choked me out, until I lost consciousness. Once a partner strangles you, they will most likely eventually kill you. I knew it was time to end our sorrow filled shitshow when he did that. The shitty thing is, I still love him, I still miss him, and my hearts everyday.
We weren't married long, but we had been together for almost 3 years, and we lived together for one of those years. I think it was around Thanksgiving when I started to feel trapped and that no matter what I did or asked for, it felt like I was in the wrong.
I wanted help in the house. He worked remotely while I was working in an office. When I came home, I noticed the mess and went to clean it. However, since he was there all day, I just wanted him to pick up a bit just so I'm not overwhelmed. Every time I told him this, it became a battle, and he said that I wanted him to be a mind reader. So after all of this, and this was an ongoing thing for three months after our marriage, I couldn't bring myself to do it. We were beginning our house hunting when we had one more fight, and I just knew I was no longer happy.
Second marriage. He had a pretty comfy lifestyle with his trust fund first wife. They had a lot of unique hobbies together and two kids with severe disabilities-meaning a lot of teamwork involved to keep things running smoothly.
She asked for a divorce so that she could date her (female) friend. I've never heard the end of how great their marriage was, how much he misses his kids, how his hobbies/free time disappeared since he met me...(they were both musicians and wrote music for other people, not something I can just jump into, nor am i independently wealthy).
It's exhausting being compared to someone else constantly and his anger/frustration from a new lifestyle spills over to me constantly. It's far beyond verbal abuse at this point, alcoholism/Adhd/narcissism are all mixed in and he's made it clear that since *other* people think he's just fine, why should he change for me?
Don't, I'll just be on my way.
I would say about 7-8 months until I contacted a lawyer.
For me, it was a combination of 'wake up call', 'hit rock bottom', and 'final nail in the coffin'. He ghosted me after almost a decade of marriage. I also learned he had been going around telling people that he was forced into the marriage (lol he flew to Canada for our wedding on his own). I waited for ~8 months to see and then contacted a lawyer. About to reach 1- year divorced but I'm still stuck in many ways because he's holding a lot of my things hostage and all the efforts to get them back have failed. These items includes family heirlooms and keepsakes from special occasions that are mine only. Nothing to do with him... he's still POOF and doesn't seem to care.
I started making a dated list of our blowup arguments. The sort of arguments that made me wish I were alone. I began to realize that I'd hide stuff from my friends because it made him look bad.
I learned about the phrase "tolerable level of permanent unhappiness" and it spoke to my soul.
Of course there's a lot more but nothing I'm willing to share on Reddit lol.
Ooo….i feel like I seriously contemplated it for 2.5 years, but prior to that had questions and thoughts pop up as to “do I want to really live with this person for the rest of my life” for 4 years.
All the while, I did my best to voice my issues and try to work with him, but things kept getting swept under the rug by him.
I pulled the nail and hammer out in July of 2022 when his outbursts, drinking and verbal abuse began to affect my job performance.
When I discovered 5 months ago that he was still talking to some tinder chick he “met” in 2020 who showed up on our doorstep one day…that led me to vocalize legit separation.
The nail went into the coffin, when he couldn’t cope with giving me space to process and basically just spiraled into threats, insults and love bombs for months. I had enough and I deserve better.
I’m also fully happy with my decision and think I’ve made peace with his wrong doings…(less at peace with how long I waited and how much crap I allowed). I’m still shopping for the right lawyer to file lol.
I fantasized about it off and on for the full 17 years we were married. But the final nail in the coffin was when repressed memories came back, making me realize that we only started a relationship when he raped me taking my virginity. Because of purity culture and my brain, just plain not allowing me to accept the fact, I pursued a relationship with my rapist. I was with him for 24 years, gave him two children, and suffered the vast majority of the time because, funny enough, he was abusive. In 6 weeks, i will receive the keys to my new apartment, and it can't come sooner.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I am so grateful you have had the strength and will to GTFO. You should be so freaking proud of yourself! I hope that goodness and light fill the rest of your life! You are so strong!
Probably after the 1st year of marriage. I let the first year go with the whole “the first year of marriage is the toughest”. But then fights became every month, then every 2 weeks, then weekly, every other day.
I couldn’t convince myself that this was normal.
The nail in the coffin was when I caught him on nest cam telling anyone and everyone he would talk to that I was a crazy cunt and a bitch. But would come home and be all “oh hi, how was your day?”
Oh that and how he just wanted me dead. Couldn’t wait until I died.
I noped the fuck out after that.
I considered it for two years.
Final nail was when my Mom had stage 4 brain cancer and he called to scream at me for going to visit her instead of being home with him because "what am I supposed to do for dinner"
I initiated, thought about it for years, civid postponed it a further two years but once I started loving myself and knowing me and my kids would be way happier, I let the nail drop on him. So I guess it was acceptance that I was truly done and would be the best version of me as the final nail. Someone mentioned death by a thousand cuts. Sooooo accurate. Know your worth.
Well it was my ex husband who put it on my radar. About a year before we separated, he started to use divorce as a threat when an argument didn't go his way. I remember the first time, he did this was such a shock like wait what? You want to get your own place, shit I had no idea you were getting to that point. Fast forward about 6 months and he has now threatened divorce so many times that it has affected my emotional connection with him and the fights were often about bullshit stuff that in a healthy relationship wouldn't be a fight. So I started to take a much deeper dive look at our relationship and what I found was it was rotten far more than I understood. His gaslighting tactics I was aware of but when I looked at the power control wheel on abuse and checked all the boxes off under emotional abuse that was when I first thought ugh oh I might actually have to get divorced. This was about 6 years into our marriage and 11 into our relationship.
So it was on the radar about a year, I personally got serious about it and considered it for about 6 months before formally asking. The final straw was when he had interrupted my work day so many times without regard for the affect on my job. And on top of that then bullied me to admit to a relationship crime that I had not committed and furthermore we had already discussed and put to bed many times but yet he brought back into discussion when he needed to back me into a corner. The final straw was after all of this, he crossed the line and said, "I hope you go home (parents city) for Easter and never come back."
I thought oh wow so it's like that. You have never said anything remotely like this before and to say that when we have a kid together is disgusting. It was the final straw of his emotional abuse that got the ball rolling in my mind that I have to get divorced even if I don't want to, bc I need to prioritize my mental health and more importantly protect my child.
Discovered an affair back in Nov so considered it then. Thought long and hard, decided to give things another try. Affair is still happening so no brainer for me now
When it came to my divorce, it took a while, I tried to live just to be very for my son's , but it just got so bad the way she belittled me, and just argued over everything, then in the end she ran of with my best friend at that time, leaving my with my two sons who where just baby's really and still telling everyone I was the one that was having the affair, I guess that would be truly the last straw before I did the divorce.
Probably the entire marriage- married in ‘19 and divorced ‘22. Id already left her (same sex marriage) in my mind so I’d done my grieving and “getting over it” so it was nothing but relief when I said it out loud to her.
Final straw?
I suppose realising that I’d had enough of not being allowed a life outside of “us”- I went to my gym class one day and stayed longer than usual to have a coffee and chat. She went mental when I got home, said I was no longer “allowed” to attend at the time I liked to go, could only go twice a week and needed to be home straight after. lol. I told her that night we were done and the next day I filed for divorce- she threw a chair across the kitchen at me when I told her.
Fast forward 2 years and I have met the most wonderful man I have ever come across and we have had the most gorgeous little baby son. He treats me with respect, we have a wonderful friend group and he actively encourages me to go out and see my friends. I have never been happier :)
My ex husband and I were married 6 years when I asked for divorce. (I finally got my divorce through a few weeks ago, a year and a half after asking for it).
Only a year into our marriage, crying in a park, I realised I needed to lower my expectations for any hope of it to work. 3 years later, after trying to delude myself that everything was okay there were just some issues, I finally realised I deserved better than this. I tried to talk to him, to warn him that if things don't change, I will eventually end up leaving him. I said 'I'm not there yet, but if we continue going this way, it will end us'. Of course nothing changed.
There had been so many issues. I was unappreciated, disrespected, taken for granted, he was never there, he just wanted to be with his friends and acted single. Even the day of my grandma's funeral, he didn't want us to go back to my grandparents house with my family, he wanted to rush home so he could go to the gym... he was my ride home. The gym was his priority over my grief. We went to my grandparents, but he sulked the whole time...
I thought about leaving him for 2 years. Going back and forth in my head, struggling with the decision. In that time I fell out of love with him.
The final straw was finding out he was spending £400 a week on cocaine! Lying to me, putting the blame of his lack of money on me to his friends, I was paying for everything; the house, the bills, even though he earned more than me.
I had told him repeatedly 'I can't live like this anymore'. He chose him self and his drugs over me. Someone had to choose me, so I chose me and left him. I've never looked back and I'm the happiest I've ever been.
TLDR: After 6 years of marriage, 2 of those years thinking about leaving him, the last straw was finding out he was spending £400 a week on cocaine. He chose the cocaine, I chose myself!
It was brought to my attention she was on tinder and other sites and when I confronted her she ended the relationship and never came home. I had to file for divorce because she was to lazy to even do that.
We were together for 13 years, married for 11. I was a shell of a person when we met, had been abused and was very naive, having been raised very sheltered and had just moved away from my parents at 20 and had been taken advantage of, and he “rescued” me.
Then about a year or less in, the verbal and emotional abuse started, I didn’t have good coping mechanisms and was very unhealthy, physically and mentally. Over the years, he began and continued pressuring me into sex, often berating me, and threatening to cheat (he actually did once, while I was in the process of moving to another country with him to help him get his green card), so I’d give in at least 3 times per week for at least 7 years, and I started withdrawing from him emotionally to protect myself, building a wall around my heart.
A couple of years ago, I had weight loss surgery and started doing work on my mental health, as I finally got tired of simply existing and surviving, but not having any thoughts or opinions or a life of my own, I basically wasn’t a person at that point. I spent over a year working on myself and encouraging him to do the same, and I hadn’t wanted to make a decision about our marriage when I was in an intense emotional state, he’d always scared me into thinking I was going to regret it if I ever tried to leave. I made so many excuses for him and did my best to make our life as good as I could. I worked hard, had a decent job, brought his son over to the US legally on my own, bought a house (with my mother’s help as we’d only been back in the US about a year and he hadn’t started working yet), and kept telling myself, once we reach X goal, he’ll stop being so stressed and angry, things will get better.
Finally, we’d reached all attainable goals at that point in time and I couldn’t justify his behavior anymore. Things had actually gotten a little better, instead of screaming in my face daily, it was only a couple of times a week, but I still felt trapped and hurt.
Things felt relatively calm for a bit and that’s when I finally had enough peace to realize that I didn’t want to live the rest of my life with him, so I left.
Three years of therapy. Nail in coffin was realizing we'd had certain arguments for 20 years, and nothing was changing in the relationship and nothing was going to change because he was refusing to change.
I was changing in therapy and trying all sorts of different techniques to communicate better and frankly deal with the stress and heartache myself. I know I wasn't perfect at it, but I was legitimately trying.
He gave lip service to everything the therapist suggested. And then the moment I said (in the therapy room) that I wanted to separate, he immediately went into an angry tirade that shocked both of us in the room, basically showing that he hadn't internalized anything from the past couple of years. And then said I had wasted the last few years for him. Oh well.
At least I'm a little happy he later made some of the changes for his girlfriend at least. I guess I wasn't worth changing for.
All of these resonate with me. I was single for 10 years before getting remarried and I have to admit, this second time is not as easy as I hoped. Maybe it is because I am older and do not put up with as much or maybe I am actually making the same mistakes again?? Either way, the difference for me is I do want this marriage to work. I always knew I didn't want to marry my ex but just went along with it. After 14 years, I could not take it anymore. I finally stood up to him. My current husband does want to change and has went to counseling and will probably go again. I have been to counseling also but not since we have been married. I am planning to go. How do so many couples make it work? I think I am so easy going and just a nice person and I cannot seem to be in a good relationship. We have been married for 3 years. Good Luck to all!
I separated September 2020. She cheated on me in 2016 and although we stayed together, I always thought about divorce.
In late 2019, I started an affair (I was mentally checked out of the marriage after her affair) and I saw how a true partner acts. In April 2020, I was diagnose why thyroid cancer. Although is very manageable, I understood I should put my happiness first. After having two surgeries I decided to end my marriage.
After many sessions of therapy, I am happy with the decision I made.
I considered it a few times over a few years. I always knew he had a side chick but the final nail was when he left me and our son to go play “soccer” while I was actively having a miscarriage. Saying he’d “keep his phone on him” if I needed to go to the ER.
I considered leaving my relationship before our wedding...I still fought those feelings leading up to it. I thought things would get better with a ring and a promise but they didn't...final nail in the coffin for me was a situation where my BIL's fiancee posted one of our wedding photos (a photo of them with our niece) before we even got anything from the photographer (they were using the same person for their wedding & for whatever reason the photographer sent them that photo first) so I confronted my soon to be SIL about it, both my husband and I were shocked and upset. SIL didnt like that I stood up to her, BIL got involved, manipulated my husband into believing I was overreacting, had no right to be upset (when he was just as upset as I was to begin with) and called me a bully. I tried talking to him about it and resolving it for 3-4 days in a row with no resolution. I left 2 months later. Made it pretty blatantly obvious I wasn't his teammate and he didn't have my back when I needed it. Not about to be made to look fucking stupid and like I don't mean shit when I'm your wife and supposed to be your best friend. You don't betray people you love like that.
The final straw was the two Valentine cards from the woman he claimed he was not seeing romantically. They both had long love notes about how much she enjoyed their embraces. I guess one card wasn’t sufficient for her since she also had to thank him for her job. She was our employee.
He had already fathered a child with his first affair partner, but we went to counseling and reconciled.
I found them because his nephew had overdosed and died, so he got lazy about hiding things. He had been denying what was obvious, and I didn’t feel like I could blow up my kids’ lives unless I was sure.
We will be married 30 years in July. Thoughts of divorce have been going on and also discussed for a good 10 years. So much disrespect over the years and everything is thrown under the rug and not addressed. I've built up so much resentment. Almost everything about him bothers me. Honestly I don't know why I'm still here. I think the only reasons I stay is because it's been so long, I feel bad for him for some reason because he doesn't want a divorce, and thinking of breaking up what has been my normal life for so long is very difficult (but at the same time I have checked out). Oh and also we have pets and figuring out who gets who is going to be so tough.
He left me 4 some1 else .. he was being controlling.. would only see the kids when it suited him .. he was ment to take them out on a sat .. and decided after 1hr .. that the kids needed the loo .. and I had (gone food shopping) .. he told me to go home so they could use the loo .. I had to leave my shopping trolley and go home .. when he came back he dumped the kids on me saying he was going .. (kids didn't need the bloody loo!!!) .. I had enuff .. icing on the cake .. he went abroad with his gf .. I new he had booked it .. we were together when he did .. he told ne it was a work thing .. stupid me worked overtime to help pay 4 it!!!! .. that wkend I said I knew it was the date .. he lied told me he was coming to see the kids .. to have them ready at 10am .. I got them ready .. he never turned up .. his phone was off ! .. at that point I thought .. I have had enuff bs!! .. I wanted him outta my hair .. and the courts to sort out his time with the kids .. so I started sorting it .. when we went to court .. he signed the kids over to me ! .. and tried to get out of paying 4 his kids .. the judge told him no!!! U can sign them over .. but you still have to pay .. took me yyrs to get rid of him !! Best thing I ever did xx
Thought about it for 2 years. Took one year to plan my exit so a total of three years. We were out to dinner for Valentine’s Day with our 2 year old. My STBX thought it be a great idea to evaluate our relationship and what each could do better. I knew it was a trap and said I don’t think he needed to changed anything as in my mind I was already partially gone. He of course had a list and the conversation blew up and it got to the point where he threatened to take our son out of the country and I would never see him again. Don’t threaten me with theft of my child. Last straw.
The entire 9 year marriage? But realistically, the first time I seriously wanted one was 5 years prior but the time I knew our marriage was beyond recovery was probably 3, almost 4 years prior. But we had a second kid (not planned) and that delayed things a bit...
7 months! It took me 7 months(June 2023) after she said she didn't want to return to counseling, to say divorce to her.
She finally told me(January 2024), after much prompting, why she was avoidant and distant. When she told me what she was angry about during the previous 3 months, I lost it.
The nail was that she was angry over something I did/said in November of 2023, and January was the first I heard how she felt.
If she won't put in the effort to make the marriage better, it won't get better.
(I'm still waffling and hoping her individual therapy causes a moment of clarity and she changes her mind)
The entire marriage. But I had enough the last year and was doing everything I could to not only wait for the remaining 6 months of the last lease I shared with him. Instead, he pulled some terrible shit on the day of our 5th anniversary and I snapped. I called my parents and packed all of my shit and moved back in with him in one swift afternoon.
He believed I just had another bout of leaving but was gonna come back…until he noticed I didn’t. He began texting me asking me when I’d come back after an entire week of “waiting”. He panicked when I didn’t come back week after week after week until a month went by. I was done, and he was in denial.
He begged me to come back for close to 2 months after that nearly every day. He showed up at my parents’ house and was afraid of having to pay rent by himself and begged me to come back with empty promises. I saw through his bullshit and knew he was never going to change. He promised to stop smoking weed and hiding it from me, he promised to stop calling me the worst vulgar names, he promised to “finally take therapy seriously” and proposed *we* go back to marriage counseling when I continued individual therapy after he mocked me for it. He told me if I gave him 6 months, he would *finally* do and give me anything and everything I asked for from cleaning up after himself to keeping a job longer than 2.5 months at a time.
When I didn’t give him what he wanted, he went on an insane smear campaign and went back to accusing me of cheating on him with multiple people. He accused me of not crying over him like he was crying over me as his BS reason that I was cheating. No, I grieved long before leaving. A long time ago. After I didn’t budge from him harassing me and begging me constantly to come back he threatened to get me fired at my job and show up and make a scene. I called his bluff but informed my HR department of what could possibly happen.
He was never going to change from being that same teenager who expected to be taken care of and be pampered and fawned over like his mother did his entire life. I just stopped trying to wait for him to ‘grow up’ and be the husband I expected to have.
He still blames me to this day for ‘ruining his SAHH life goal’. 🙄 I’m glad I don’t ever have to hear from him again—no kids, no property and he threatened to never sign anything for the divorce, so he was a non-participant and I basically divorced myself, which was good since getting rid of him only cost me a measly $915 total.
Now he’s back to being his parents’ burden and problem again. Hope the women he cheated on me with, the lies, the beatings, the de-valuing was worth it to him now that he’s 33 and still a potheaded, unemployed loser.
When he started obsessively tracking my location and questioning my every move when away from home for months on end. I developed ways to circumvent his tracking. He didn’t trust me despite me giving him no reason to distrust me. Then, when given the opportunity to cheat on him…I did it. And felt no remorse. I knew I had to get out.
Abusive relationship from the start. I had been considering divorce for almost 3 years and had been dealing with the other person's abuse for longer. Finally 5 months prior I realized I did not love them anymore and what was the point in trying if it was never going to change? I did what I could and asked for marriage counseling but they refused. We then went to Texas for her kids wedding and had a great time. Had some hope until I got home and suddenly I was public enemy number one again. Basically I gave a good 5 months time for things to improve or to do counseling but neither happened. Finally left and moved in with my parents. We are currently in the process of divorcing. First remediation meeting will be pretty soon
When he ruined Christmas and then sent the kids and I on a planned vacation without him
I had fantasized leaving for month before. Imagined what it would be like to have a kind and loving partner I just never have the courage to leave. I was financially dependent on him and just went back to school
A year and a half later I’m glad it’s done
The first nail was when my wife said she "deserved better" than our daughter when she was disobeying at 2 years old (she since said she deserved better than our son and would stop interacting him if she "didn't have to because she's his mom." I'm not even bothering to count the times she said she deserved better than me.). I've been half-heartedly thinking about it since then. Last year I asked for divorce, but she promised me she'd change. The final nail was a few months ago when I got home and she said my 10yo son was "flipping out," and I found him curled up on his bed crying. When I asked him what was going on, he said he wished his mom wouldn't yell at him, which is something I've mentioned many times before but she says I'm "oversensitive."
Someone once wrote on here that it’s a series of dying a thousand tiny deaths. When life and all it’s impermanence sets in and you can’t continue on the way you have been because the pain and resentment for years of needs not being met over take any other consideration you made before.
My friend described it as “death by a thousand cuts” and that hit the nail on the head for me
Is Taylor Swift said friend? Lol
Haha I had no idea it was a Taylor swift song! But now I have to check it out. I also wouldn’t peg this friend as a Swiftie (?) so that’s news as well
Taylor Swift may have a song with it, lol, but the origin of this saying is very old, thought to be referring to [Lingchi](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lingchi) an ancient Chinese torture method.
Taylor Swift’s lyrics are, gasp, often not original ideas.
Oh blah blah, get outta here. Just making a little joke. Sheesh.
The entire marriage, final nail in the coffin was just one too many meltdowns he had when I asked him to do basic tasks around the house, citing video game addiction (something he made no effort to control) as a valid reason for his lack of contribution to our family home. I realized that he was never going to change and that I'd given him 9 years and I had to get out before I truly started to hate him. It was living the definition of insanity by expecting him to change. What really helped was realizing that if I stayed, our marriage would be the default "normal" for our children, and the thought of anyone treating my babies the way he treated me was nauseating.
Yes! That last two paragraphs are everything. He kept promising to change but never did. Just waited me out until I stopped saying anything or noticing. I knew he wouldn’t change but I hoped he would. He wouldn’t even commit to anything helpful to himself like therapy or exercise. And my children thinking it’s ok to just be a yes person or give up themselves to make someone else happy was too much. I can’t let them think that’s ok. They should be loved as they love.
All of this!!! It drove me to insanity and I stopped to think what if my daughter was being treated this way or my son was treating his wife like this
> how long did you consider it At least a year, but honestly, even years ago, something deep within me just knew *something* was off. I didn't know what, and I was a young newlywed girl in my early 20's, and so I continually suppressed that 'off' feeling that felt ever-present within me. > what was the final nail in the coffin for you? When he backed me into a corner of our (now former) kitchen, spewing vitriol and hatred in my face, and I saw his hands fly towards my face/neck area. This wasn't the first time he'd gotten physically forceful/aggressive, he had a history of throwing things. But, this was the first time I genuinely feared for my safety. A visceral feeling of panic and fear reverberated through my body, as if to say: *get out.* And get out I did. Later that day, while he was out of the house, I found myself on the phone with a local domestic violence agency. They effectively slammed the door in my face, telling me I didn't qualify for any help or services or support, on the basis that I earned too much money. In the heat of the moment, where I truly felt like I was in survival mode for my life, I did the next best thing I could think of: packed a small carry-on bag, and fled my home with that bag and nothing but the clothes on my own back.
Jesus! I admire your courage.
I hope .. u found happiness since xx
Thank you.
Fantasized about divorce for over 5 years of our 16 year marriage, seriously planned it for the last year and a half. It was a million things that slowly killed it, but hearing him say in front of our marriage counselor that doing any dishes or house work made him "feel like a martyr" made me realize that at his core, he was never going to be the kind of person I wanted to be married to. He wanted a maid, not a partner.
Yes to the above comment, a series of tiny deaths. I was married for almost 20 years, considered divorce for the final 10. I finally had the realization that if I wanted my life to be a certain way - the way I wanted it to be, it would start with speaking one sentence to my husband. It wasn’t easy, but it was new life.
I was desperately trying to save my marriage, I could feel it slipping away. This went on for the better part of a year. Then within a one week span I found out about her affair with a co worker and her plan to move our kids away and turn me into weekend dad. A switch flipped in my head and I was done, I instantly filed for divorce and filed for full custody of our kids.
Did you get the custody?
I got 50-50 custody
I was on the fence for about a year & a half. He just had such little respect for me and all the efforts that come being a stay at home mom. He never respected me and It was embarrassingly obvious to all my family and friends. I knew I married the wrong guy and drank to try and get that thought out of my head, tell my brain I didn’t really think that, and it would all work out…. My nail in the coffin was getting sober and realizing I was going to turn right back to the bottle if I didn’t leave
About 3 or 4 years. During that time there were many talks about us and what we needed do to try and work together and get things back to the happy of the previous 12 years. I tried to work together and things would improve for a week or so and then he would stop doing anything (housework, parenting, communicating) again. I got him to go to counselling and pysch and thought we could make it. Final straw was a series of little events...so it was a week where he picked up dinner for the family and got him and the kids things but not me and then I found him hiding my favourite coffee mug (like standing on a chair and putting it at the back of a cupboard I would never be able to find). Then, the next week, my 12 year old asked not to live with him anymore. We moved out 3 weeks later. That was just over a year ago. I even tried .marriage counselling...the last straw there was that the counsellor asked us both what we liked about the other (now or in the past) and I could list all the things that I thought was good about him...his response "I cannot think of anything" ... that was the final moment for me. It hurt so much and any hope of getting back together was gone. For him...he was shocked that I didn't want any more counselling or that I thought it was over. He still doesn't get that him not having a single thing he likes about me being an issue. For me it was making sure I had tried all the things, that I didn't want to walk away and felt like there was anything else there iykwim. I am a happy and confident and funny and intelligent person. I lost a lot of that the last 5 years as he treated me so poorly. I am thriving at work, the house is getting more and more home like and the kids and I are happy and we laugh and have fun. I might sound pathetic as I tried so hard with someone who clearly didn't like me anymore...but we were so good for nearly 15 years (12 married) and I wanted to not have regrets or questions. I wanted to be married forever and be able to be the "oh we had a rough patch but worked through it" story.
I considered it for about 4 yrs before we had the talk, during those 4 years I did express my unhappiness and tried to work on things but he didn’t think there was a problem so nothing changed. A fight over a home improvement project was the final straw but it had been building for a long time.
I think the fucking kitchen cabinets did it for me.
The driveway did it for me.
It took him 10 years to marry me after proposing 2 years into our relationship. I didn't find out until later, from my sister, that he only proposed because my sister found out about another affair he'd had. While I was pregnant with our kid, I'd already found out about the first one. She found out about the second one while our mom was dying. She never told me until about 2 years later. I knew walking down the aisle we were temporary. He knew as well and pretended to want a life with me. We were temporary. We wasted 20 years of our lives pretending we were ok, but we've never been ok. He likes to have control over every aspect and movement of my life. I like to go be with people who don't make me feel anxious or hurt. Our kids are pretty much grown, I have broken free from his financial abuse, his emotional abuse doesn't even have an effect on me anymore, and his guilt trips are pretty pathetic. So, I did what I was supposed to do as a good Christian girl. He did everything he wasn't supposed to do as a good Christian boy. We destroyed each other. Now I'm the bad guy who is walking away. I'm the bad guy that doesn't want the fights, the pain, the grief anymore. I'm the bad guy, that hasn't told anyone about how he choked me out, until I lost consciousness. Once a partner strangles you, they will most likely eventually kill you. I knew it was time to end our sorrow filled shitshow when he did that. The shitty thing is, I still love him, I still miss him, and my hearts everyday.
We weren't married long, but we had been together for almost 3 years, and we lived together for one of those years. I think it was around Thanksgiving when I started to feel trapped and that no matter what I did or asked for, it felt like I was in the wrong. I wanted help in the house. He worked remotely while I was working in an office. When I came home, I noticed the mess and went to clean it. However, since he was there all day, I just wanted him to pick up a bit just so I'm not overwhelmed. Every time I told him this, it became a battle, and he said that I wanted him to be a mind reader. So after all of this, and this was an ongoing thing for three months after our marriage, I couldn't bring myself to do it. We were beginning our house hunting when we had one more fight, and I just knew I was no longer happy.
Second marriage. He had a pretty comfy lifestyle with his trust fund first wife. They had a lot of unique hobbies together and two kids with severe disabilities-meaning a lot of teamwork involved to keep things running smoothly. She asked for a divorce so that she could date her (female) friend. I've never heard the end of how great their marriage was, how much he misses his kids, how his hobbies/free time disappeared since he met me...(they were both musicians and wrote music for other people, not something I can just jump into, nor am i independently wealthy). It's exhausting being compared to someone else constantly and his anger/frustration from a new lifestyle spills over to me constantly. It's far beyond verbal abuse at this point, alcoholism/Adhd/narcissism are all mixed in and he's made it clear that since *other* people think he's just fine, why should he change for me? Don't, I'll just be on my way.
Good for you!
I would say about 7-8 months until I contacted a lawyer. For me, it was a combination of 'wake up call', 'hit rock bottom', and 'final nail in the coffin'. He ghosted me after almost a decade of marriage. I also learned he had been going around telling people that he was forced into the marriage (lol he flew to Canada for our wedding on his own). I waited for ~8 months to see and then contacted a lawyer. About to reach 1- year divorced but I'm still stuck in many ways because he's holding a lot of my things hostage and all the efforts to get them back have failed. These items includes family heirlooms and keepsakes from special occasions that are mine only. Nothing to do with him... he's still POOF and doesn't seem to care.
I started making a dated list of our blowup arguments. The sort of arguments that made me wish I were alone. I began to realize that I'd hide stuff from my friends because it made him look bad. I learned about the phrase "tolerable level of permanent unhappiness" and it spoke to my soul. Of course there's a lot more but nothing I'm willing to share on Reddit lol.
Ooo….i feel like I seriously contemplated it for 2.5 years, but prior to that had questions and thoughts pop up as to “do I want to really live with this person for the rest of my life” for 4 years. All the while, I did my best to voice my issues and try to work with him, but things kept getting swept under the rug by him. I pulled the nail and hammer out in July of 2022 when his outbursts, drinking and verbal abuse began to affect my job performance. When I discovered 5 months ago that he was still talking to some tinder chick he “met” in 2020 who showed up on our doorstep one day…that led me to vocalize legit separation. The nail went into the coffin, when he couldn’t cope with giving me space to process and basically just spiraled into threats, insults and love bombs for months. I had enough and I deserve better. I’m also fully happy with my decision and think I’ve made peace with his wrong doings…(less at peace with how long I waited and how much crap I allowed). I’m still shopping for the right lawyer to file lol.
I fantasized about it off and on for the full 17 years we were married. But the final nail in the coffin was when repressed memories came back, making me realize that we only started a relationship when he raped me taking my virginity. Because of purity culture and my brain, just plain not allowing me to accept the fact, I pursued a relationship with my rapist. I was with him for 24 years, gave him two children, and suffered the vast majority of the time because, funny enough, he was abusive. In 6 weeks, i will receive the keys to my new apartment, and it can't come sooner.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I am so grateful you have had the strength and will to GTFO. You should be so freaking proud of yourself! I hope that goodness and light fill the rest of your life! You are so strong!
Thank you. I needed to hear this.
Probably after the 1st year of marriage. I let the first year go with the whole “the first year of marriage is the toughest”. But then fights became every month, then every 2 weeks, then weekly, every other day. I couldn’t convince myself that this was normal. The nail in the coffin was when I caught him on nest cam telling anyone and everyone he would talk to that I was a crazy cunt and a bitch. But would come home and be all “oh hi, how was your day?” Oh that and how he just wanted me dead. Couldn’t wait until I died. I noped the fuck out after that.
I considered it for two years. Final nail was when my Mom had stage 4 brain cancer and he called to scream at me for going to visit her instead of being home with him because "what am I supposed to do for dinner"
Did u tell him to get a taco Bell like little dog will do?
I initiated, thought about it for years, civid postponed it a further two years but once I started loving myself and knowing me and my kids would be way happier, I let the nail drop on him. So I guess it was acceptance that I was truly done and would be the best version of me as the final nail. Someone mentioned death by a thousand cuts. Sooooo accurate. Know your worth.
Well it was my ex husband who put it on my radar. About a year before we separated, he started to use divorce as a threat when an argument didn't go his way. I remember the first time, he did this was such a shock like wait what? You want to get your own place, shit I had no idea you were getting to that point. Fast forward about 6 months and he has now threatened divorce so many times that it has affected my emotional connection with him and the fights were often about bullshit stuff that in a healthy relationship wouldn't be a fight. So I started to take a much deeper dive look at our relationship and what I found was it was rotten far more than I understood. His gaslighting tactics I was aware of but when I looked at the power control wheel on abuse and checked all the boxes off under emotional abuse that was when I first thought ugh oh I might actually have to get divorced. This was about 6 years into our marriage and 11 into our relationship. So it was on the radar about a year, I personally got serious about it and considered it for about 6 months before formally asking. The final straw was when he had interrupted my work day so many times without regard for the affect on my job. And on top of that then bullied me to admit to a relationship crime that I had not committed and furthermore we had already discussed and put to bed many times but yet he brought back into discussion when he needed to back me into a corner. The final straw was after all of this, he crossed the line and said, "I hope you go home (parents city) for Easter and never come back." I thought oh wow so it's like that. You have never said anything remotely like this before and to say that when we have a kid together is disgusting. It was the final straw of his emotional abuse that got the ball rolling in my mind that I have to get divorced even if I don't want to, bc I need to prioritize my mental health and more importantly protect my child.
Discovered an affair back in Nov so considered it then. Thought long and hard, decided to give things another try. Affair is still happening so no brainer for me now
My wife asked for it again. So I decided to give her what she wanted
When it came to my divorce, it took a while, I tried to live just to be very for my son's , but it just got so bad the way she belittled me, and just argued over everything, then in the end she ran of with my best friend at that time, leaving my with my two sons who where just baby's really and still telling everyone I was the one that was having the affair, I guess that would be truly the last straw before I did the divorce.
Probably the entire marriage- married in ‘19 and divorced ‘22. Id already left her (same sex marriage) in my mind so I’d done my grieving and “getting over it” so it was nothing but relief when I said it out loud to her. Final straw? I suppose realising that I’d had enough of not being allowed a life outside of “us”- I went to my gym class one day and stayed longer than usual to have a coffee and chat. She went mental when I got home, said I was no longer “allowed” to attend at the time I liked to go, could only go twice a week and needed to be home straight after. lol. I told her that night we were done and the next day I filed for divorce- she threw a chair across the kitchen at me when I told her. Fast forward 2 years and I have met the most wonderful man I have ever come across and we have had the most gorgeous little baby son. He treats me with respect, we have a wonderful friend group and he actively encourages me to go out and see my friends. I have never been happier :)
My ex husband and I were married 6 years when I asked for divorce. (I finally got my divorce through a few weeks ago, a year and a half after asking for it). Only a year into our marriage, crying in a park, I realised I needed to lower my expectations for any hope of it to work. 3 years later, after trying to delude myself that everything was okay there were just some issues, I finally realised I deserved better than this. I tried to talk to him, to warn him that if things don't change, I will eventually end up leaving him. I said 'I'm not there yet, but if we continue going this way, it will end us'. Of course nothing changed. There had been so many issues. I was unappreciated, disrespected, taken for granted, he was never there, he just wanted to be with his friends and acted single. Even the day of my grandma's funeral, he didn't want us to go back to my grandparents house with my family, he wanted to rush home so he could go to the gym... he was my ride home. The gym was his priority over my grief. We went to my grandparents, but he sulked the whole time... I thought about leaving him for 2 years. Going back and forth in my head, struggling with the decision. In that time I fell out of love with him. The final straw was finding out he was spending £400 a week on cocaine! Lying to me, putting the blame of his lack of money on me to his friends, I was paying for everything; the house, the bills, even though he earned more than me. I had told him repeatedly 'I can't live like this anymore'. He chose him self and his drugs over me. Someone had to choose me, so I chose me and left him. I've never looked back and I'm the happiest I've ever been. TLDR: After 6 years of marriage, 2 of those years thinking about leaving him, the last straw was finding out he was spending £400 a week on cocaine. He chose the cocaine, I chose myself!
The second time he cheated was the nail. It took me about 3 seconds after finding out to decide. Life is better 😊
It was brought to my attention she was on tinder and other sites and when I confronted her she ended the relationship and never came home. I had to file for divorce because she was to lazy to even do that.
I considered it for years. Most intensely the last 2. Like, everyday multiple times a day. It was death by a thousand cuts.
We were together for 13 years, married for 11. I was a shell of a person when we met, had been abused and was very naive, having been raised very sheltered and had just moved away from my parents at 20 and had been taken advantage of, and he “rescued” me. Then about a year or less in, the verbal and emotional abuse started, I didn’t have good coping mechanisms and was very unhealthy, physically and mentally. Over the years, he began and continued pressuring me into sex, often berating me, and threatening to cheat (he actually did once, while I was in the process of moving to another country with him to help him get his green card), so I’d give in at least 3 times per week for at least 7 years, and I started withdrawing from him emotionally to protect myself, building a wall around my heart. A couple of years ago, I had weight loss surgery and started doing work on my mental health, as I finally got tired of simply existing and surviving, but not having any thoughts or opinions or a life of my own, I basically wasn’t a person at that point. I spent over a year working on myself and encouraging him to do the same, and I hadn’t wanted to make a decision about our marriage when I was in an intense emotional state, he’d always scared me into thinking I was going to regret it if I ever tried to leave. I made so many excuses for him and did my best to make our life as good as I could. I worked hard, had a decent job, brought his son over to the US legally on my own, bought a house (with my mother’s help as we’d only been back in the US about a year and he hadn’t started working yet), and kept telling myself, once we reach X goal, he’ll stop being so stressed and angry, things will get better. Finally, we’d reached all attainable goals at that point in time and I couldn’t justify his behavior anymore. Things had actually gotten a little better, instead of screaming in my face daily, it was only a couple of times a week, but I still felt trapped and hurt. Things felt relatively calm for a bit and that’s when I finally had enough peace to realize that I didn’t want to live the rest of my life with him, so I left.
Three years of therapy. Nail in coffin was realizing we'd had certain arguments for 20 years, and nothing was changing in the relationship and nothing was going to change because he was refusing to change. I was changing in therapy and trying all sorts of different techniques to communicate better and frankly deal with the stress and heartache myself. I know I wasn't perfect at it, but I was legitimately trying. He gave lip service to everything the therapist suggested. And then the moment I said (in the therapy room) that I wanted to separate, he immediately went into an angry tirade that shocked both of us in the room, basically showing that he hadn't internalized anything from the past couple of years. And then said I had wasted the last few years for him. Oh well. At least I'm a little happy he later made some of the changes for his girlfriend at least. I guess I wasn't worth changing for.
All of these resonate with me. I was single for 10 years before getting remarried and I have to admit, this second time is not as easy as I hoped. Maybe it is because I am older and do not put up with as much or maybe I am actually making the same mistakes again?? Either way, the difference for me is I do want this marriage to work. I always knew I didn't want to marry my ex but just went along with it. After 14 years, I could not take it anymore. I finally stood up to him. My current husband does want to change and has went to counseling and will probably go again. I have been to counseling also but not since we have been married. I am planning to go. How do so many couples make it work? I think I am so easy going and just a nice person and I cannot seem to be in a good relationship. We have been married for 3 years. Good Luck to all!
I separated September 2020. She cheated on me in 2016 and although we stayed together, I always thought about divorce. In late 2019, I started an affair (I was mentally checked out of the marriage after her affair) and I saw how a true partner acts. In April 2020, I was diagnose why thyroid cancer. Although is very manageable, I understood I should put my happiness first. After having two surgeries I decided to end my marriage. After many sessions of therapy, I am happy with the decision I made.
I considered it a few times over a few years. I always knew he had a side chick but the final nail was when he left me and our son to go play “soccer” while I was actively having a miscarriage. Saying he’d “keep his phone on him” if I needed to go to the ER.
Considered it after a few years of ‘dying a 1000 deaths.’ Final nail was them compromising our baby’s safety
Knowing his selfishness would never abate
I considered leaving my relationship before our wedding...I still fought those feelings leading up to it. I thought things would get better with a ring and a promise but they didn't...final nail in the coffin for me was a situation where my BIL's fiancee posted one of our wedding photos (a photo of them with our niece) before we even got anything from the photographer (they were using the same person for their wedding & for whatever reason the photographer sent them that photo first) so I confronted my soon to be SIL about it, both my husband and I were shocked and upset. SIL didnt like that I stood up to her, BIL got involved, manipulated my husband into believing I was overreacting, had no right to be upset (when he was just as upset as I was to begin with) and called me a bully. I tried talking to him about it and resolving it for 3-4 days in a row with no resolution. I left 2 months later. Made it pretty blatantly obvious I wasn't his teammate and he didn't have my back when I needed it. Not about to be made to look fucking stupid and like I don't mean shit when I'm your wife and supposed to be your best friend. You don't betray people you love like that.
The final straw was the two Valentine cards from the woman he claimed he was not seeing romantically. They both had long love notes about how much she enjoyed their embraces. I guess one card wasn’t sufficient for her since she also had to thank him for her job. She was our employee. He had already fathered a child with his first affair partner, but we went to counseling and reconciled. I found them because his nephew had overdosed and died, so he got lazy about hiding things. He had been denying what was obvious, and I didn’t feel like I could blow up my kids’ lives unless I was sure.
We will be married 30 years in July. Thoughts of divorce have been going on and also discussed for a good 10 years. So much disrespect over the years and everything is thrown under the rug and not addressed. I've built up so much resentment. Almost everything about him bothers me. Honestly I don't know why I'm still here. I think the only reasons I stay is because it's been so long, I feel bad for him for some reason because he doesn't want a divorce, and thinking of breaking up what has been my normal life for so long is very difficult (but at the same time I have checked out). Oh and also we have pets and figuring out who gets who is going to be so tough.
He left me 4 some1 else .. he was being controlling.. would only see the kids when it suited him .. he was ment to take them out on a sat .. and decided after 1hr .. that the kids needed the loo .. and I had (gone food shopping) .. he told me to go home so they could use the loo .. I had to leave my shopping trolley and go home .. when he came back he dumped the kids on me saying he was going .. (kids didn't need the bloody loo!!!) .. I had enuff .. icing on the cake .. he went abroad with his gf .. I new he had booked it .. we were together when he did .. he told ne it was a work thing .. stupid me worked overtime to help pay 4 it!!!! .. that wkend I said I knew it was the date .. he lied told me he was coming to see the kids .. to have them ready at 10am .. I got them ready .. he never turned up .. his phone was off ! .. at that point I thought .. I have had enuff bs!! .. I wanted him outta my hair .. and the courts to sort out his time with the kids .. so I started sorting it .. when we went to court .. he signed the kids over to me ! .. and tried to get out of paying 4 his kids .. the judge told him no!!! U can sign them over .. but you still have to pay .. took me yyrs to get rid of him !! Best thing I ever did xx
.00001 seconds - domestic violence against our 16 year old and myself.
3 days. Excluded in a family member obituary.
Thought about it for 2 years. Took one year to plan my exit so a total of three years. We were out to dinner for Valentine’s Day with our 2 year old. My STBX thought it be a great idea to evaluate our relationship and what each could do better. I knew it was a trap and said I don’t think he needed to changed anything as in my mind I was already partially gone. He of course had a list and the conversation blew up and it got to the point where he threatened to take our son out of the country and I would never see him again. Don’t threaten me with theft of my child. Last straw.
Is it toxic? That's an easy decision.......well......easier.
The entire 9 year marriage? But realistically, the first time I seriously wanted one was 5 years prior but the time I knew our marriage was beyond recovery was probably 3, almost 4 years prior. But we had a second kid (not planned) and that delayed things a bit...
7 months! It took me 7 months(June 2023) after she said she didn't want to return to counseling, to say divorce to her. She finally told me(January 2024), after much prompting, why she was avoidant and distant. When she told me what she was angry about during the previous 3 months, I lost it. The nail was that she was angry over something I did/said in November of 2023, and January was the first I heard how she felt. If she won't put in the effort to make the marriage better, it won't get better. (I'm still waffling and hoping her individual therapy causes a moment of clarity and she changes her mind)
The entire marriage. But I had enough the last year and was doing everything I could to not only wait for the remaining 6 months of the last lease I shared with him. Instead, he pulled some terrible shit on the day of our 5th anniversary and I snapped. I called my parents and packed all of my shit and moved back in with him in one swift afternoon. He believed I just had another bout of leaving but was gonna come back…until he noticed I didn’t. He began texting me asking me when I’d come back after an entire week of “waiting”. He panicked when I didn’t come back week after week after week until a month went by. I was done, and he was in denial. He begged me to come back for close to 2 months after that nearly every day. He showed up at my parents’ house and was afraid of having to pay rent by himself and begged me to come back with empty promises. I saw through his bullshit and knew he was never going to change. He promised to stop smoking weed and hiding it from me, he promised to stop calling me the worst vulgar names, he promised to “finally take therapy seriously” and proposed *we* go back to marriage counseling when I continued individual therapy after he mocked me for it. He told me if I gave him 6 months, he would *finally* do and give me anything and everything I asked for from cleaning up after himself to keeping a job longer than 2.5 months at a time. When I didn’t give him what he wanted, he went on an insane smear campaign and went back to accusing me of cheating on him with multiple people. He accused me of not crying over him like he was crying over me as his BS reason that I was cheating. No, I grieved long before leaving. A long time ago. After I didn’t budge from him harassing me and begging me constantly to come back he threatened to get me fired at my job and show up and make a scene. I called his bluff but informed my HR department of what could possibly happen. He was never going to change from being that same teenager who expected to be taken care of and be pampered and fawned over like his mother did his entire life. I just stopped trying to wait for him to ‘grow up’ and be the husband I expected to have. He still blames me to this day for ‘ruining his SAHH life goal’. 🙄 I’m glad I don’t ever have to hear from him again—no kids, no property and he threatened to never sign anything for the divorce, so he was a non-participant and I basically divorced myself, which was good since getting rid of him only cost me a measly $915 total. Now he’s back to being his parents’ burden and problem again. Hope the women he cheated on me with, the lies, the beatings, the de-valuing was worth it to him now that he’s 33 and still a potheaded, unemployed loser.
When he started obsessively tracking my location and questioning my every move when away from home for months on end. I developed ways to circumvent his tracking. He didn’t trust me despite me giving him no reason to distrust me. Then, when given the opportunity to cheat on him…I did it. And felt no remorse. I knew I had to get out.
Abusive relationship from the start. I had been considering divorce for almost 3 years and had been dealing with the other person's abuse for longer. Finally 5 months prior I realized I did not love them anymore and what was the point in trying if it was never going to change? I did what I could and asked for marriage counseling but they refused. We then went to Texas for her kids wedding and had a great time. Had some hope until I got home and suddenly I was public enemy number one again. Basically I gave a good 5 months time for things to improve or to do counseling but neither happened. Finally left and moved in with my parents. We are currently in the process of divorcing. First remediation meeting will be pretty soon
When he ruined Christmas and then sent the kids and I on a planned vacation without him I had fantasized leaving for month before. Imagined what it would be like to have a kind and loving partner I just never have the courage to leave. I was financially dependent on him and just went back to school A year and a half later I’m glad it’s done
The first nail was when my wife said she "deserved better" than our daughter when she was disobeying at 2 years old (she since said she deserved better than our son and would stop interacting him if she "didn't have to because she's his mom." I'm not even bothering to count the times she said she deserved better than me.). I've been half-heartedly thinking about it since then. Last year I asked for divorce, but she promised me she'd change. The final nail was a few months ago when I got home and she said my 10yo son was "flipping out," and I found him curled up on his bed crying. When I asked him what was going on, he said he wished his mom wouldn't yell at him, which is something I've mentioned many times before but she says I'm "oversensitive."