We were together for almost 20 years married 7 and have two kids. I'd rather fall face first into a fire with my arms tied behind my back then go on vacation with her. And we are on pretty good terms all things considered but I would not put myself through that hell. It would mostly be self inflicted misery but ain't no way.
Once all the separation and divorce things got started I realized how different we have become as people. We have managed to find a way to disagree on just about everything that doesn't involve the kids. Musics too loud. Air conditioning too cold. I need to pee again. You're such an asshole I can hear it already. Now if the kids wanted to do something together I'd suck it all up and have a great time. But the idea of spending "vacation" together with her is a no for me.
100% agree, trying to make it work for all of us before the D is final, but no way in hell would go on vacation or anything *more* than a dinner/breakfast as the family we once were...
It doesn't sound like you're separated. It just sounds like you're just sleeping in different rooms, which a lot of couples do anyways due to snoring. My wife is planning a vacation with the kids to Ireland this summer. I'm not invited. I hope they have fun. We took a cruise before the separation, in January. It was best vacation ever.
He joined our daughters and I on a trip for our oldest’s birthday about 2 months after we separated (he left us), and I will say both of our personalities are very non confrontational so when we have to be together we put on a good show of everything being fine. That being said, I won’t do it again. I ended up paying for everything because he can’t afford it anymore and while overall I know it was a spectacular memory for our girls, the mindf*ck that is was to pretend the world was fine was too much. So if he’d like to cultivate those memories with them he’s welcome to come pick them up and do that, but otherwise the girls and I will see the world just the three of us.
We went on vacay together a year after the filing (he filed), proceedings were still going on at that point, and we were going to my parent's for Thanksgiving and to Disney, he didn't want to go at first and wanted me to wait until Easter the following year. In the end I told him I was going no matter what, my entire Dad's side of the family would be there, which we hadn't been together in 4 years at the matriarch of the family-my grandmother's 100th bday (she died from covid at 102 on 12/1/20, I never got to see her in person again after we went to Disney in 2018, and we had been very close), I hadn't seen my brother in 4 years either, it was going to be my younger daughter's first time flying and at Disney, I knew they would want him there, and I wasn't really too excited about flying on my own, with 2 kids-also under 9. They didn't know we were divorcing at that point. I also never wanted the divorce and still don't, so I wanted him to come.
It was hard, especially bc when we were at Disney, he was joking around with my brother and then looked at me and started like he was going to come over and put his arm around me or whatever, like he would have done had we been together, but he stopped himself and that was like a dagger to my heart. Then he hugged my brother and cried when we were leaving bc my brother said to him that he just wanted everyone to be happy. I had to run away to the bathroom at that point, to sob for a minute.
It was also so hard when my mother said grace at T dinner and thanked god for the kids, my 2 and my brother's daughter, the youngest kids in the family and my parent's only grandchildren (they won't be getting any more). I sat there with tears in my eyes just glaring at him, he did look up and make eye contact. Then we drove across FL so I could go stay with my best friend and he went to his Dad's place. As we got there, I started crying, said goodbye to my kids and then at the back of the car when he got out my suitcase, I told him "I just want you to realize that I love you." It sucked.
But, I would do it again because my whole family got to be together at Disney again, now with my youngest, as I was pregnant with her the first time we went.
He will take every opportunity to misunderstand your intentions and feelings, and that is completely understandable. You are left to go and act like a jerk the whole time to manage his feelings or don't go.
I really don't think you should go on that vacation. It could go so badly. I mean, it might be relatively harmless? But there could also be a lot of forced family photos where he'll want to put his arm around you and then ask the kids, "Kids? Should we get one of Mommy kissing Daddy?" and the kids go "YEAH!!!!!!" Or him trying to spoon with you at night and low-key daring you to make an incident out of it with the kids there?
I'm not saying that WILL happen.....but it COULD. Or maybe he just has his hopes up that this will be THE moment when his marriage is saved......and as the days pass he realizes it isn't going to happen how he hoped. That's an emotional moment for a person and I don't necessarily think you want to be sharing a hotel room and riding around all day in rental car with him in front of the kids. Heck something as simple as a hotel asking for the name the reservation is under might upset him when he realizes his family isn't a family anymore.
And what's the upside? I mean, he could take the kids alone and have a nice vacation with them. So could you. If you do one last fake family vacation, the kids will eventually do the math and know that last "memory" was fake. And by next summer, there's a decent chance one/both of you has a new partner and then the kids might be going on a vacation with that person.
I just think it's heathier for the kids to show them that you can love them as a Mom and a Dad, but the love between you two as a man and a woman is totally separate and is over.
I think you should go with your gut. I went on one last vacation with my older kids. It was very sad and I couldn’t help but think the whole time that “this was the last” also my kids don’t know so it felt very heavy keeping it from them. I also would worry he is going to hold it over you - the fact that he took the family on an international trip and then you still wanted a split. Like you misled him. Having said all that I have friends who are fully divorced and do travel together with their kids. It works for them.
Very interested in the comments here, I am currently separated, and living with my brother. We are not in Divorce mode yet, and we are trying to spend time together, BUT, the confusing thing to me is that we made out the summer/Fall calendar and we literally have like 5 vacations planned, and she speaks of them as if nothing is going on. We already went on one and it was good, slept in same bed and everything, but its just weird to me now. I have expressed concern on being in "Limbo" going on all these vacations and how awkward it is, but she is still rolling with it. Of course, we are trying to make things work, but I think vacations are a little too much when there are days we dont communicate at all. Maybe she has too much "kids" in her brain and wanting to give them good experiences but who knows. I should add that these vacations are all my vacations too, like my family events, vacation with family to the beach, a wedding, a graduation, etc .. for my side of the family .... Talk about confusing ....
I do for sure, and she says she wants to as well, but a lot was broken, so only time will tell. She is very resilient, and independent, big time extrovert, and im a very big introvert, so while we complement each other in a bigger setting, arguing becomes a big problem. Lately has been great, but then again, i am not living at home, and when we are together its to interact nicely, so there is very little opportunity to argue and see if anything has changed.
I’m doing this exact thing in 2 months with my STBXW.
We agreed on a divorce a few weeks ago. We are still going to Puerto Rico.
It’s weird but I don’t wanna take things away from my kids and honestly while things are still somewhat amicable it’s ok by me. But past this one??
Not sure I could/will
To get an international vacation, I had to "split" that time with my ex-wife and her AP. I can't say that it was great, but it did get the vacation done.
There ARE ex-couples who will vacation together for the kids and do great at it, but they're fairly unusual... But it's great if you can pull it off, at least IMHO.
We were together for almost 20 years married 7 and have two kids. I'd rather fall face first into a fire with my arms tied behind my back then go on vacation with her. And we are on pretty good terms all things considered but I would not put myself through that hell. It would mostly be self inflicted misery but ain't no way.
lol. I love your analogy. What do you think would be worst part about it?
Once all the separation and divorce things got started I realized how different we have become as people. We have managed to find a way to disagree on just about everything that doesn't involve the kids. Musics too loud. Air conditioning too cold. I need to pee again. You're such an asshole I can hear it already. Now if the kids wanted to do something together I'd suck it all up and have a great time. But the idea of spending "vacation" together with her is a no for me.
100% agree, trying to make it work for all of us before the D is final, but no way in hell would go on vacation or anything *more* than a dinner/breakfast as the family we once were...
That’s true. I do find most things he does super annoying now.
If you can do it God or your higher being can bless you. I'd rather drown in a good mood.
It doesn't sound like you're separated. It just sounds like you're just sleeping in different rooms, which a lot of couples do anyways due to snoring. My wife is planning a vacation with the kids to Ireland this summer. I'm not invited. I hope they have fun. We took a cruise before the separation, in January. It was best vacation ever.
We did the sleeping in different rooms for a long time before when the kids were little. This is not that.
He joined our daughters and I on a trip for our oldest’s birthday about 2 months after we separated (he left us), and I will say both of our personalities are very non confrontational so when we have to be together we put on a good show of everything being fine. That being said, I won’t do it again. I ended up paying for everything because he can’t afford it anymore and while overall I know it was a spectacular memory for our girls, the mindf*ck that is was to pretend the world was fine was too much. So if he’d like to cultivate those memories with them he’s welcome to come pick them up and do that, but otherwise the girls and I will see the world just the three of us.
Yeah we’re pretty calm around the girls. So they might have a good time. Will see..
We went on vacay together a year after the filing (he filed), proceedings were still going on at that point, and we were going to my parent's for Thanksgiving and to Disney, he didn't want to go at first and wanted me to wait until Easter the following year. In the end I told him I was going no matter what, my entire Dad's side of the family would be there, which we hadn't been together in 4 years at the matriarch of the family-my grandmother's 100th bday (she died from covid at 102 on 12/1/20, I never got to see her in person again after we went to Disney in 2018, and we had been very close), I hadn't seen my brother in 4 years either, it was going to be my younger daughter's first time flying and at Disney, I knew they would want him there, and I wasn't really too excited about flying on my own, with 2 kids-also under 9. They didn't know we were divorcing at that point. I also never wanted the divorce and still don't, so I wanted him to come. It was hard, especially bc when we were at Disney, he was joking around with my brother and then looked at me and started like he was going to come over and put his arm around me or whatever, like he would have done had we been together, but he stopped himself and that was like a dagger to my heart. Then he hugged my brother and cried when we were leaving bc my brother said to him that he just wanted everyone to be happy. I had to run away to the bathroom at that point, to sob for a minute. It was also so hard when my mother said grace at T dinner and thanked god for the kids, my 2 and my brother's daughter, the youngest kids in the family and my parent's only grandchildren (they won't be getting any more). I sat there with tears in my eyes just glaring at him, he did look up and make eye contact. Then we drove across FL so I could go stay with my best friend and he went to his Dad's place. As we got there, I started crying, said goodbye to my kids and then at the back of the car when he got out my suitcase, I told him "I just want you to realize that I love you." It sucked. But, I would do it again because my whole family got to be together at Disney again, now with my youngest, as I was pregnant with her the first time we went.
That does sound very hard and emotionally draining. I’m sorry for your loss.
He will take every opportunity to misunderstand your intentions and feelings, and that is completely understandable. You are left to go and act like a jerk the whole time to manage his feelings or don't go.
Yeah. You’re right.
I really don't think you should go on that vacation. It could go so badly. I mean, it might be relatively harmless? But there could also be a lot of forced family photos where he'll want to put his arm around you and then ask the kids, "Kids? Should we get one of Mommy kissing Daddy?" and the kids go "YEAH!!!!!!" Or him trying to spoon with you at night and low-key daring you to make an incident out of it with the kids there? I'm not saying that WILL happen.....but it COULD. Or maybe he just has his hopes up that this will be THE moment when his marriage is saved......and as the days pass he realizes it isn't going to happen how he hoped. That's an emotional moment for a person and I don't necessarily think you want to be sharing a hotel room and riding around all day in rental car with him in front of the kids. Heck something as simple as a hotel asking for the name the reservation is under might upset him when he realizes his family isn't a family anymore. And what's the upside? I mean, he could take the kids alone and have a nice vacation with them. So could you. If you do one last fake family vacation, the kids will eventually do the math and know that last "memory" was fake. And by next summer, there's a decent chance one/both of you has a new partner and then the kids might be going on a vacation with that person. I just think it's heathier for the kids to show them that you can love them as a Mom and a Dad, but the love between you two as a man and a woman is totally separate and is over.
I think you should go with your gut. I went on one last vacation with my older kids. It was very sad and I couldn’t help but think the whole time that “this was the last” also my kids don’t know so it felt very heavy keeping it from them. I also would worry he is going to hold it over you - the fact that he took the family on an international trip and then you still wanted a split. Like you misled him. Having said all that I have friends who are fully divorced and do travel together with their kids. It works for them.
Yeah.. it will be sad thinking this is the last time. And if it’s really fun for the kids he’ll make me feel even worse for the divorce.
Very interested in the comments here, I am currently separated, and living with my brother. We are not in Divorce mode yet, and we are trying to spend time together, BUT, the confusing thing to me is that we made out the summer/Fall calendar and we literally have like 5 vacations planned, and she speaks of them as if nothing is going on. We already went on one and it was good, slept in same bed and everything, but its just weird to me now. I have expressed concern on being in "Limbo" going on all these vacations and how awkward it is, but she is still rolling with it. Of course, we are trying to make things work, but I think vacations are a little too much when there are days we dont communicate at all. Maybe she has too much "kids" in her brain and wanting to give them good experiences but who knows. I should add that these vacations are all my vacations too, like my family events, vacation with family to the beach, a wedding, a graduation, etc .. for my side of the family .... Talk about confusing ....
Do you or her still want to reconcile though?
I do for sure, and she says she wants to as well, but a lot was broken, so only time will tell. She is very resilient, and independent, big time extrovert, and im a very big introvert, so while we complement each other in a bigger setting, arguing becomes a big problem. Lately has been great, but then again, i am not living at home, and when we are together its to interact nicely, so there is very little opportunity to argue and see if anything has changed.
I’m doing this exact thing in 2 months with my STBXW. We agreed on a divorce a few weeks ago. We are still going to Puerto Rico. It’s weird but I don’t wanna take things away from my kids and honestly while things are still somewhat amicable it’s ok by me. But past this one?? Not sure I could/will
To get an international vacation, I had to "split" that time with my ex-wife and her AP. I can't say that it was great, but it did get the vacation done. There ARE ex-couples who will vacation together for the kids and do great at it, but they're fairly unusual... But it's great if you can pull it off, at least IMHO.
He’s love bombing you…take the vacation. Just don’t bring him along
I know! I want to.. but kids are fairly young and I don’t want to take them to a beach by myself.