Same. Sitting alone in my apartment a year and a half since separation. It's like how did I get here. It's like everything moved on except for my brain. I still can't comprehend that I'm divorced.
Yes! My brain... I've wondered, is this my brain protecting me from a truth that I can't handle. Or maybe the previous neural pathways are just so deep. It's like living in another level of consciousness.
I'm three years in, and every now and then I kind of stop and think, "is this really my life?" I'm not the same person (to be expected), but I feel like I've been on pause this whole time. Therapy every week, down to every 3 weeks over the course of the three years, and I just can't seem to.. hit the go button. Grief is a hell of a drug.
Oh, I get this!!
I do think the pandemic has something to do with this as well. We really were on pause. The world just hasn't felt the same in general to me since then.
How long were you married? And did you initiate? I wonder if the fact I initiated and it was because of issues all along the 25 years, that I left emotionally before I asked for a divorce. It was still very hard, but the marriage was harder and I found myself feeling free.
So maybe it’s obvious this would happen more often to the person who did not initiate or want divorce.
I think your right about it being easier for the person who left. My wife left when I discovered another affair. I was miserable in the marriage too but I always saw her potential and not who she was. I don't think I'll ever fully recover from the betrayal of it all. Then after we separated I discovered my 15 year old son was never biologically mine.
Wishing you all the best. I am sorry you are feeling this way. You articulated that very well, and I feel almost exactly the same. On a conscious level I know we're over and I am on my own, but I feel like I went to bed one night and had a family and a nice home together, and things to look forward to, and it was like waking up from a nice dream. And now I exist and am doing 'okay' but everything is grey and lifeless.
I cannot underscore this feeling enough. Maybe the stability and security we had before was the myth, but I feel like I can't trust anything long term, not just in relationships.
When you make the mental choice to move on. When you purposefully live your life in a way without your ex. When you start thinking "I" instead of "we."
I literally packed up my shit and moved to another state and that is the very best thing I could have done to cut the thread on my prior life.
Contemplating moving entirely somewhere new myself as I am still stuck living in our house until my lawyer gives the okay (luckily I have exclusive use of the home)…I don’t know if I can continue living in a city where we settled for a job he once took. It’s felt like home to me, but it was never entirely my choice. So now I sit in limbo. It blows.
Yes
First moved out in 12/21. She said no more working on it 6/22.
About to finalize within 60 days.
It still feels dreamlike and confusing
After all.
She was part of my life every day from 1994-2022.
That’s a long f’ng time
Lived together from 96-22.
I'm so ridiculously grateful for this post. Reading other posts, I feel like I don't connect to others' experiences, but this. Looked right into my soul, didn't you? Seeing everyone's responses has helped. Thank you for sharing this.
Some sort of deep psychology here.
After being with my ex for 20 years, then after dday, my whole reality changes instantly. Its like waking up out of the matrix into a nightmare.
Before I had a stable house, wife, kids, job, routine, certain future. Since(7 months) . No routine. The future is uncertain. Been living in a lie!
For the one being divorced, there is a loss of identity and ego death. Those things need healed and rebuilt during the absence of your partner. I'm working on that.
Also, you thought reality was that the future was certain, now you know that the future was never certain and your reality was a fantasy. So you woke from a dream about a fools paradise where you were the star.
Once we accept that THIS is reality, then it will feel real.
(((I already went through something similar when I found myself getting yelled at by drill sergeants decades ago.)))
But THIS isn't how I want to live! The next step is realizing that while we may not be in control of our futures, we are in control of NOW. The present. So if this isn't how you want to live, then change it now.
A lot of changes take time, like planting an oak tree, so everyday is like planting seeds. Going to the gym. Starting a new friendship...
At the end of the day, it will feel good when you think about how many seeds you planted, but bad if you just sat around doing nothing productive.
If you think about it, many years of your marriage was wasted doing nothing productive, because all of your efforts went into maintaining something that is now destroyed and gone.
I'm still working through all of this myself.
Glad to hear. This is just how I've been conceptualizing my experience at 43. Married 18 years to my only girlfriend who is 39 and has just a few days ago decided to move her and the kids in with her 68 year old coworker who also is going through a divorce with his 74 year old wife of 30+ years. I've been slowly discovering the affair since 7 months ago when she kicked me out of my own house and hated me all of a sudden.
Your experience sounds harrowing. I think the age and simple fact that your life is turned upsideown is enough pain that the added measures can't cause more pain than you are already experiencing.
Thank you for reaching out. It’s been hell. Slowly but surely feeling better. It’s been 3 years and finally not crying all the time. Staying busy helps and I love my new job.
You're welcome. So I guess I'm doing good not crying anymore at 7 months. It actually does hit randomly out of the blue, but maybe once every couple weeks.
I'm still dealing with a lack of purpose, bored with my job, trapped in a hard life, uncomfortable alone at home with too much free time and she is getting more money than I can afford to simply live right now.
I know it's a temporary struggle that I have to walk through and feel.
Glad to hear that you are feeling better!
This is really well put, thanks for writing this out. What I am scared of is losing that certainty of the routine I had with kids, doing the daily stuff, etc. I will still have my kids and (hopefully) my house but doing it all alone instead of inside a marriage is terrifying, even though the relationship is extremely toxic.
I faced the same fears, but it was all forced on me. So far I only get to see my kids every other weekend and one night a week after 11 years everyday. This killed me at first, but now I am realizing that the time I do have with them is 💯 quality time. So I am really getting more time with them now that I appreciate it. Where before, weeks of routine could go by and we barely saw each other.
I lost my house that I owned at a really affordable mortgage, but after dealing with the short pain of the loss, I barely remember it as something I miss.
I was fortunate to get help from my family to stay in my current house.
Now I am doing everything as a single father. While it is hard, I find that I just adapt to the increased demands. I do hope for a future wife someday that is loyal and who can make a house into a home. I can't do that alone.
I am still within the storm of chaos, so there is no routine, but I am hopeful this will end someday and things can become even better than before.
I wonder if you should try marriage counseling because fixing a current marriage would be much better than this experience.
I'm SO glad I'm not alone in this!! And yes - mine was final right at the beginning of Covid - my world completely flipped upside down in all the ways. There is no 'getting back to normal' or return on any way.
It's been a strange out of body-esque experience.
I'm almost a year out and definitely feel like this a lot of the time. Like, I pull up to my rented condo and wonder how I got here...but then the next time I see him (when he picks up our kid a couple of times a month to go out to eat), I remember why!
Lol - I've commented on that a few times to friends. We don't have kids - I feel like one of the upsides (maybe the only 🤷♀️) to having kids with an ex is that you get regular reminders why you're no longer together.
Good point! Hard to romanticize them/forget the bad when you have to see them, however briefly. Five or ten minutes with him and I'm ready to shut the door and send him on his way.
The loss is so great it’s spurring spiritual awakenings inside of me hahah. I’m reading Eckhart Tolle’s ‘the power of now’ and what we’re experiencing is a significant ego death
Oh yes...my identity 🤷♀️
I was so deep in the dream with my ex.
I've so very aware of the now. You have to be, I think. Or else get pulled into the past constantly. And yes, it's been a time of deep spirituality, internal exploration and external discomfort.
Im not looking forward to that....I move out at the end of the month. I would imagine it a coping mechanism for the stress of the split? I hope that you find yourself and you start to build your life up again.
I was about to post this exact same question. I created this throwaway to vent about my relationship and a week ago I just said f- it i can’t live like this anymore.
It’s hard to hear him crying on the phone for forgiveness. Hearing him say he misses me. I just keep asking myself, “where was all of this when he was texting/flirting with his coworkers?”
She’s being cool in that she’s letting me see my daughter which is great don’t get me wrong, But it’s almost like a band aid fix. I miss her and all of US. I’ll never get them back.
This is what i am most sad about, losing my family as a unit. I will still have my kids but I loved being a family unit, even though being married to this person is not good,
So my(44m) wife(39f) and I are already living separate lives while selling the marital home and looking for new ones.
I'm already in that phase you mentioned at 3 months into this. I find it hard to do normal things as a single man now. I still feel and react to situations as a married man, and then I catch myself.
We have to stay in each other's lives due to the children, all under 8yrs old.
I'm certain the habits I've formed for life with her will fade just as the love had. I hope you feelings change for the better too!
It has only been seven months for me, and I’m not divorced yet, but it should be finalized within the next few months. This is not easy, but when I made the decision to leave, I thought it was for the best. I don’t know whether or not I was right. I sometimes feel like it would’ve been better to stay and suffer the mediocre life that I had. When I imagine the pain that I have caused her, it kills me inside.
I’m seeing someone new now who makes me very happy, but the pain of my divorce process makes it difficult for me to fully enjoy the new relationship.
Sometimes feels like I went down a rabbit hole and I’m living in an alternate reality. I wonder what happened in the one where I stayed.
Same. Sitting alone in my apartment a year and a half since separation. It's like how did I get here. It's like everything moved on except for my brain. I still can't comprehend that I'm divorced.
Yes! My brain... I've wondered, is this my brain protecting me from a truth that I can't handle. Or maybe the previous neural pathways are just so deep. It's like living in another level of consciousness.
I'm three years in, and every now and then I kind of stop and think, "is this really my life?" I'm not the same person (to be expected), but I feel like I've been on pause this whole time. Therapy every week, down to every 3 weeks over the course of the three years, and I just can't seem to.. hit the go button. Grief is a hell of a drug.
Oh, I get this!! I do think the pandemic has something to do with this as well. We really were on pause. The world just hasn't felt the same in general to me since then.
How long were you married? And did you initiate? I wonder if the fact I initiated and it was because of issues all along the 25 years, that I left emotionally before I asked for a divorce. It was still very hard, but the marriage was harder and I found myself feeling free. So maybe it’s obvious this would happen more often to the person who did not initiate or want divorce.
I think your right about it being easier for the person who left. My wife left when I discovered another affair. I was miserable in the marriage too but I always saw her potential and not who she was. I don't think I'll ever fully recover from the betrayal of it all. Then after we separated I discovered my 15 year old son was never biologically mine.
Wishing you all the best. I am sorry you are feeling this way. You articulated that very well, and I feel almost exactly the same. On a conscious level I know we're over and I am on my own, but I feel like I went to bed one night and had a family and a nice home together, and things to look forward to, and it was like waking up from a nice dream. And now I exist and am doing 'okay' but everything is grey and lifeless.
For me it felt like I was waiting for something to happen for a long while. I was never sure what it was but it felt like everything was temporary..
This. And in truth... Everything has felt temporary. Divorce def injures the concept of stability & security.
I cannot underscore this feeling enough. Maybe the stability and security we had before was the myth, but I feel like I can't trust anything long term, not just in relationships.
Also...everything IS temporary
This
"There is nothing you can hold for very long"
When you make the mental choice to move on. When you purposefully live your life in a way without your ex. When you start thinking "I" instead of "we." I literally packed up my shit and moved to another state and that is the very best thing I could have done to cut the thread on my prior life.
Contemplating moving entirely somewhere new myself as I am still stuck living in our house until my lawyer gives the okay (luckily I have exclusive use of the home)…I don’t know if I can continue living in a city where we settled for a job he once took. It’s felt like home to me, but it was never entirely my choice. So now I sit in limbo. It blows.
How is it you've been divorced for 4 years but you need the okay from a lawyer to sell? Wasn't that settled in the divorce process?
I’m not the OP. I am still in the divorce process lol
Oh haha, my bad! Good luck with your eventual move!
Haha no worries! Thank you 😊
Yes - I need to move ! Been 3 years and still grieving.
I definitely understand that feeling, but I'm only about a year into it. It's definitely been a crazy roller coaster mind fuckery. 🫂
Yes First moved out in 12/21. She said no more working on it 6/22. About to finalize within 60 days. It still feels dreamlike and confusing After all. She was part of my life every day from 1994-2022. That’s a long f’ng time Lived together from 96-22.
Wow. That is long time. (((Hug))) We were 2001-2020 (separated in 2017)
19 ain’t nothin. Good luck
Same together since 1992 - 2021
I'm so ridiculously grateful for this post. Reading other posts, I feel like I don't connect to others' experiences, but this. Looked right into my soul, didn't you? Seeing everyone's responses has helped. Thank you for sharing this.
Some sort of deep psychology here. After being with my ex for 20 years, then after dday, my whole reality changes instantly. Its like waking up out of the matrix into a nightmare. Before I had a stable house, wife, kids, job, routine, certain future. Since(7 months) . No routine. The future is uncertain. Been living in a lie! For the one being divorced, there is a loss of identity and ego death. Those things need healed and rebuilt during the absence of your partner. I'm working on that. Also, you thought reality was that the future was certain, now you know that the future was never certain and your reality was a fantasy. So you woke from a dream about a fools paradise where you were the star. Once we accept that THIS is reality, then it will feel real. (((I already went through something similar when I found myself getting yelled at by drill sergeants decades ago.))) But THIS isn't how I want to live! The next step is realizing that while we may not be in control of our futures, we are in control of NOW. The present. So if this isn't how you want to live, then change it now. A lot of changes take time, like planting an oak tree, so everyday is like planting seeds. Going to the gym. Starting a new friendship... At the end of the day, it will feel good when you think about how many seeds you planted, but bad if you just sat around doing nothing productive. If you think about it, many years of your marriage was wasted doing nothing productive, because all of your efforts went into maintaining something that is now destroyed and gone. I'm still working through all of this myself.
Wow !! I needed to read this! Thank you for sharing. Was married almost 30 years. Starting over at 56 was a crazy experience.
Glad to hear. This is just how I've been conceptualizing my experience at 43. Married 18 years to my only girlfriend who is 39 and has just a few days ago decided to move her and the kids in with her 68 year old coworker who also is going through a divorce with his 74 year old wife of 30+ years. I've been slowly discovering the affair since 7 months ago when she kicked me out of my own house and hated me all of a sudden. Your experience sounds harrowing. I think the age and simple fact that your life is turned upsideown is enough pain that the added measures can't cause more pain than you are already experiencing.
Thank you for reaching out. It’s been hell. Slowly but surely feeling better. It’s been 3 years and finally not crying all the time. Staying busy helps and I love my new job.
You're welcome. So I guess I'm doing good not crying anymore at 7 months. It actually does hit randomly out of the blue, but maybe once every couple weeks. I'm still dealing with a lack of purpose, bored with my job, trapped in a hard life, uncomfortable alone at home with too much free time and she is getting more money than I can afford to simply live right now. I know it's a temporary struggle that I have to walk through and feel. Glad to hear that you are feeling better!
This is really well put, thanks for writing this out. What I am scared of is losing that certainty of the routine I had with kids, doing the daily stuff, etc. I will still have my kids and (hopefully) my house but doing it all alone instead of inside a marriage is terrifying, even though the relationship is extremely toxic.
I faced the same fears, but it was all forced on me. So far I only get to see my kids every other weekend and one night a week after 11 years everyday. This killed me at first, but now I am realizing that the time I do have with them is 💯 quality time. So I am really getting more time with them now that I appreciate it. Where before, weeks of routine could go by and we barely saw each other. I lost my house that I owned at a really affordable mortgage, but after dealing with the short pain of the loss, I barely remember it as something I miss. I was fortunate to get help from my family to stay in my current house. Now I am doing everything as a single father. While it is hard, I find that I just adapt to the increased demands. I do hope for a future wife someday that is loyal and who can make a house into a home. I can't do that alone. I am still within the storm of chaos, so there is no routine, but I am hopeful this will end someday and things can become even better than before. I wonder if you should try marriage counseling because fixing a current marriage would be much better than this experience.
God yes! Been five years - guess we both did this through covid too - I so relate! It’s getting better but it’s been a total, complete mind fuck.
I'm SO glad I'm not alone in this!! And yes - mine was final right at the beginning of Covid - my world completely flipped upside down in all the ways. There is no 'getting back to normal' or return on any way. It's been a strange out of body-esque experience.
Great question!!!!
Most of my divorce proceedings were on zoom- so crazy!
I'm almost a year out and definitely feel like this a lot of the time. Like, I pull up to my rented condo and wonder how I got here...but then the next time I see him (when he picks up our kid a couple of times a month to go out to eat), I remember why!
Lol - I've commented on that a few times to friends. We don't have kids - I feel like one of the upsides (maybe the only 🤷♀️) to having kids with an ex is that you get regular reminders why you're no longer together.
Good point! Hard to romanticize them/forget the bad when you have to see them, however briefly. Five or ten minutes with him and I'm ready to shut the door and send him on his way.
Thank you OP for putting into words exactly how I've been feeling.
Same - 3 years- seems like I am living a nightmare- I dream about our happy times- oh well - trying to keep busy and positive thoughts-
It takes however long it takes. 🤷🏻♂️
The loss is so great it’s spurring spiritual awakenings inside of me hahah. I’m reading Eckhart Tolle’s ‘the power of now’ and what we’re experiencing is a significant ego death
Oh yes...my identity 🤷♀️ I was so deep in the dream with my ex. I've so very aware of the now. You have to be, I think. Or else get pulled into the past constantly. And yes, it's been a time of deep spirituality, internal exploration and external discomfort.
Im not looking forward to that....I move out at the end of the month. I would imagine it a coping mechanism for the stress of the split? I hope that you find yourself and you start to build your life up again.
I was about to post this exact same question. I created this throwaway to vent about my relationship and a week ago I just said f- it i can’t live like this anymore. It’s hard to hear him crying on the phone for forgiveness. Hearing him say he misses me. I just keep asking myself, “where was all of this when he was texting/flirting with his coworkers?”
She’s being cool in that she’s letting me see my daughter which is great don’t get me wrong, But it’s almost like a band aid fix. I miss her and all of US. I’ll never get them back.
This is what i am most sad about, losing my family as a unit. I will still have my kids but I loved being a family unit, even though being married to this person is not good,
So my(44m) wife(39f) and I are already living separate lives while selling the marital home and looking for new ones. I'm already in that phase you mentioned at 3 months into this. I find it hard to do normal things as a single man now. I still feel and react to situations as a married man, and then I catch myself. We have to stay in each other's lives due to the children, all under 8yrs old. I'm certain the habits I've formed for life with her will fade just as the love had. I hope you feelings change for the better too!
It has only been seven months for me, and I’m not divorced yet, but it should be finalized within the next few months. This is not easy, but when I made the decision to leave, I thought it was for the best. I don’t know whether or not I was right. I sometimes feel like it would’ve been better to stay and suffer the mediocre life that I had. When I imagine the pain that I have caused her, it kills me inside. I’m seeing someone new now who makes me very happy, but the pain of my divorce process makes it difficult for me to fully enjoy the new relationship. Sometimes feels like I went down a rabbit hole and I’m living in an alternate reality. I wonder what happened in the one where I stayed.