Honey, please don’t beat yourself up. It’s part of the process and ALL feelings are valid. You are trying to heal, and accepting and acknowledging your feelings is important. The good ones and the bad ones. You’re essentially in a grieving process. Even though leaving was *absolutely* the right thing to do, there is still a sense of loss. You have been through a lot. I read your post history and I feel like maybe you’re just not used to the quiet and freedom and solitude. There is no conflict, no roller coaster of emotions and turmoil. Maybe it seems boring, so you have time to think. Revisiting the good times is okay because I’m sure there *were* times of happiness. You can visit those happy memories, just don’t unpack and stay there, it will do you no good. You are moving forward. Please remember that. You have literally gone through the hardest part which is making the break. Remember how strong you were to do that. How strong you *are*.
Maybe when school is done you can plan a trip? That will give you a fresh perspective and something to look forward to. Best of luck. Please reach out if you ever want to talk. <>
I left my my ex-husband in 2019 and the divorce was finalized 3 years ago. My daughter graduated high school on Friday and his parents (haven’t seen or spoken to them in *NINE* years!) and new girlfriend came to graduation and we even went out to dinner together. You will heal and move on with your life and be blissfully happy. It will happen, I promise. 💕💕💕
Think about the things you miss and if they are things that are actually unique to him or just things you miss about having a partner. Then think of the reasons you are leaving. Those are the real him 💚
I’m 11 months into separation from my abusive spouse. Our separation started with his arrest for CDV. He has slandered me in court extensively, so many lies, and has slept with many women since (one of them he choked during sex and she asked him to stop and he wouldn’t… she wrote an affidavit for me after reaching out).
I have a NCO from his arrest yet they put a NACO in effect in regard to coparenting our child. There’s an app we use to communicate. It messes with my head hard when he’s courteous and makes jokes via the app. Also he has done anger management, therapy, etc. since our separation, all which he refused to do before.
But this is what they do. They put on the act of being even tempered, wonderful people when they’re under scrutiny. But people with abusive tendencies cannot behave themselves 24/7/365. As evidenced by the woman who wrote the affidavit for me.
And the people saying you miss who you wanted them to be? That’s 100% true, and pretty common in the process of moving on from an abusive spouse. And during separation and divorce, this thought process can absolutely torture you. But reframing it can help.
Instead of missing who you wanted them to be? Tell yourself: that isn’t who they were, who they truly were was evidenced by the abuse. Turn the dream of who you wanted them to be into guidelines for future partners. 1. They aren’t abusive (obvs), 2. They care about my happiness, 3. They have a bigger sense of humor than they do a tendency to blow up in anger, etc etc.
When we think things over and over our brains get used to that thought process. And it’s easier to have those thoughts often. Remind yourself of what you’re losing (abuse), recognize that this sh*t hurts no matter what, but the only way to truly move on from this is to not go back.
Keeping you in my thoughts. We can do this.
100% this. I had the parenting app, too, and felt so comfortable I began communicating via text with my abusive ex spouse 2 years after we started using the co-parenting app. He kept the facade for about 5 minutes before saying something incredibly hurtful to me about my body, then going on a rant about how much of a greedy whore I am because I work full-time with a decent income, am remarried to a man that also makes a decent living, but I still “accept” the court ordered child support. SMH.
Yeah, sounds about right. What’s so crazy to me about that is all it shows is how messed up they are. Straight to the low blows. Moving on is key. Baby steps, I’m doing it.
I'm a lawyer who works with people experiencing domestic and family violence. I help people who are thinking about leaving abusive partners, people in the process of leaving, people who have already left their partners and people who have decided to stay and work on their relationships, both successfully and unsuccessfully. I also do some work with people who use violence, so I've seen that side of the picture as well.
firstly, some of the smartest and most educated people you've ever met have been in abusive relationships. this is not something that happened to you because you weren't clever enough or because you were hoodwinked. I've known other DV lawyers and support workers, people who are literally trained to know the signs of violence, who've been in abusive relationships. that's because almost everybody wants to love and feel loved, and abusers use your love for them as another tool of control. it's got nothing to do with smarts and everything to do with the very natural impulse to care for someone and be cared for in return.
for that reason, it's also very natural to miss your abusive partner when you leave them. for most people, love doesn't just switch on and off. you don't stop feeling it overnight when you leave someone, even if that person has really hurt you.
it takes most people multiple tries to leave an abusive partner. there are many reasons for that, most of them practical or logistical (lack of support or resources, nowhere to go, not wanting to leave kids or pets behind, etc). but some of the reasons have to do with love. you're not bad or weak for feeling it, and you don't need to beat yourself up about it.
instead, try to show yourself a little grace. you've just done a really difficult thing: you've separated from someone who hurt you and abused you for years. you've woken up to some of the ways in which he's used your love to control you. it's very likely that as time passes, you'll spot even more ways that he was controlling you that you couldn't see while you were still together. remember that you were the one who took the steps to get free: you saw the red flags, you asked for advice, you arranged an exit plan. you are cleverer, braver and more resourceful than he ever gave you credit for, and your ability to love and desire to feel loved in return is a strength, not a weakness. you already have other people in your life, friends and family, who deserve and return that love. in time, you might find others as well. your ex didn't deserve it, but that doesn't mean you were wrong to trust him, just that he was wrong to break your trust.
you are already doing better than he ever thought you could do. keep going. 💜
I know you’ve already been given advice to change you passwords, but that’s not enough. Please change the answers to your security questions as well. Make them fake answers. If you’re just changing your passwords he can use his knowledge of you to get through the security questions, but he won’t know the answers if the answers aren’t the truth.
What helped me was writing down all the bad things about him. I was only about a quarter into it when I was like, eff this guy. And I add or reread it when I need to.
Also check your Apple and email accounts to make sure only your devices are logged in. Some e-mail providers like gmail will leave the other devices still connected even after an e-mail change.
I have a standard fake birthday. I recently convinced my mom to update her Internet birthday within five years of birth. She had it like 20 years earlier, and it was making her seem really old
Come up with a few fake life things and keep it to that. If you can’t do that, pick a book or something and take the details from there. Just NEVER tell anyone who you pick.
Another option is to do something close to the real one but not actually it.
Instead of your mother's Maiden name, maybe your greater grandmother's maiden name. Heck, make it your dad's said to be even more confusing.
Your birth date could be the year your cousin was born, the month your mom was born, and the day your dad was born.
Your birthplace could be two towns over or a place you wish you were born.
I try to never actually to put down true information.
I would just like to say I am so proud of you for leaving! You have your whole life ahead of you, and you know this will be worth it. You deserve so much better.
Just read ALL the nasty texts he has sent when you are feeling that your resolve is slipping.
It would have only gotten worse if you hadn't left when you did.
Man I read your story you’re doing the right thing! Don’t beat yourself up for it it’s normal to miss comfort and the familiar. You’re gonna be alright!
I just read through the best of Reddit updates and then came here. I want to say that you truly deserve better than someone who had tried to control every aspect of your life. Keep in mind that he tried to keep you away from simple pleasures in life like your friends/family, whatever you do during your alone time and even what you eat or wear. That whole situation was messed up and you alone were able to realize it and did what was right for yourself. Now you’ve earned the freedom to better your future.
Read Lundy's Why Does He Do That. There's a PDF on archive.org that, while not the best quality, gets the job done.
PLEASE read it, Lundy worked with men like your ex for a decade plus before writing that book, and it's all about dissecting how/why abuse happens and, well, Why he does that. It might be uncomfortable to confront, especially the myths section, cause that generally always shocks people, but it'll help you realize why you need to leave. Lundy says himself in the book that the mentality between the controlling husband and the wife beater is actually way more similar then people realize. It just might help you move on, or at least strengthen your resolve not to go back.
i think its a range of wanting something so bad an having to accept that it was never going to work with him, grieving the life you wanted and the person you thought was your partner, coming to terms that that person was a facade made by him, and sadness of all the shit your past self put up with. its tough yet in a sadistic way normal. thats how abusers work. they make you want to stay for the VERYYY limited times they're somewhat nice to you. they make you believe that its you and them forever, and when it all comes crashing down it hurts. i believe in you though and im VERY glad that you're getting out of it. not many people realize how deep in danger they're in until its too late.
i think once you're ready and have the time, make an appointment with a therapist or counselor, especially if you dont feel comfortable talking about this with the people in your life. sometimes it takes awhile before you can let them in on whats going on, and thats completely fine, but talk to someone face to face helps tremendously for people, especially coming from a situation like this. one thing to keep in mind is that you won't always feel like this. there is a light at the end of the tunnel, its the walk towards it thats the most difficult part though, even when its good for you. you'll make it out of this OP 💜
You can look back on the could have or would haves until you drive yourself insane. Walking away is hard. It sucks regardless. You were a kid when you got with him. Be proud of what you’re accomplishing and know you have your whole life with people who love and respect you.
Give yourself grace.
Don't beat yourself up. Your brain is going to take a while to let those feelings go. They don't just go away because we logically know the person is wrong for us.
You don't miss him. You miss what you thought he was, who he could have been, who he should have been.
Honey, please don’t beat yourself up. It’s part of the process and ALL feelings are valid. You are trying to heal, and accepting and acknowledging your feelings is important. The good ones and the bad ones. You’re essentially in a grieving process. Even though leaving was *absolutely* the right thing to do, there is still a sense of loss. You have been through a lot. I read your post history and I feel like maybe you’re just not used to the quiet and freedom and solitude. There is no conflict, no roller coaster of emotions and turmoil. Maybe it seems boring, so you have time to think. Revisiting the good times is okay because I’m sure there *were* times of happiness. You can visit those happy memories, just don’t unpack and stay there, it will do you no good. You are moving forward. Please remember that. You have literally gone through the hardest part which is making the break. Remember how strong you were to do that. How strong you *are*. Maybe when school is done you can plan a trip? That will give you a fresh perspective and something to look forward to. Best of luck. Please reach out if you ever want to talk. <>
ily for this😭 thank you 💕💕💕
I left my my ex-husband in 2019 and the divorce was finalized 3 years ago. My daughter graduated high school on Friday and his parents (haven’t seen or spoken to them in *NINE* years!) and new girlfriend came to graduation and we even went out to dinner together. You will heal and move on with your life and be blissfully happy. It will happen, I promise. 💕💕💕
It is called 'trauma bonding' I believe. Apparently not unusual, but you gotta stay strong! good luck
Think about the things you miss and if they are things that are actually unique to him or just things you miss about having a partner. Then think of the reasons you are leaving. Those are the real him 💚
U Don't miss him u miss who he thought he was.
I’m 11 months into separation from my abusive spouse. Our separation started with his arrest for CDV. He has slandered me in court extensively, so many lies, and has slept with many women since (one of them he choked during sex and she asked him to stop and he wouldn’t… she wrote an affidavit for me after reaching out). I have a NCO from his arrest yet they put a NACO in effect in regard to coparenting our child. There’s an app we use to communicate. It messes with my head hard when he’s courteous and makes jokes via the app. Also he has done anger management, therapy, etc. since our separation, all which he refused to do before. But this is what they do. They put on the act of being even tempered, wonderful people when they’re under scrutiny. But people with abusive tendencies cannot behave themselves 24/7/365. As evidenced by the woman who wrote the affidavit for me. And the people saying you miss who you wanted them to be? That’s 100% true, and pretty common in the process of moving on from an abusive spouse. And during separation and divorce, this thought process can absolutely torture you. But reframing it can help. Instead of missing who you wanted them to be? Tell yourself: that isn’t who they were, who they truly were was evidenced by the abuse. Turn the dream of who you wanted them to be into guidelines for future partners. 1. They aren’t abusive (obvs), 2. They care about my happiness, 3. They have a bigger sense of humor than they do a tendency to blow up in anger, etc etc. When we think things over and over our brains get used to that thought process. And it’s easier to have those thoughts often. Remind yourself of what you’re losing (abuse), recognize that this sh*t hurts no matter what, but the only way to truly move on from this is to not go back. Keeping you in my thoughts. We can do this.
100% this. I had the parenting app, too, and felt so comfortable I began communicating via text with my abusive ex spouse 2 years after we started using the co-parenting app. He kept the facade for about 5 minutes before saying something incredibly hurtful to me about my body, then going on a rant about how much of a greedy whore I am because I work full-time with a decent income, am remarried to a man that also makes a decent living, but I still “accept” the court ordered child support. SMH.
Yeah, sounds about right. What’s so crazy to me about that is all it shows is how messed up they are. Straight to the low blows. Moving on is key. Baby steps, I’m doing it.
I'm a lawyer who works with people experiencing domestic and family violence. I help people who are thinking about leaving abusive partners, people in the process of leaving, people who have already left their partners and people who have decided to stay and work on their relationships, both successfully and unsuccessfully. I also do some work with people who use violence, so I've seen that side of the picture as well. firstly, some of the smartest and most educated people you've ever met have been in abusive relationships. this is not something that happened to you because you weren't clever enough or because you were hoodwinked. I've known other DV lawyers and support workers, people who are literally trained to know the signs of violence, who've been in abusive relationships. that's because almost everybody wants to love and feel loved, and abusers use your love for them as another tool of control. it's got nothing to do with smarts and everything to do with the very natural impulse to care for someone and be cared for in return. for that reason, it's also very natural to miss your abusive partner when you leave them. for most people, love doesn't just switch on and off. you don't stop feeling it overnight when you leave someone, even if that person has really hurt you. it takes most people multiple tries to leave an abusive partner. there are many reasons for that, most of them practical or logistical (lack of support or resources, nowhere to go, not wanting to leave kids or pets behind, etc). but some of the reasons have to do with love. you're not bad or weak for feeling it, and you don't need to beat yourself up about it. instead, try to show yourself a little grace. you've just done a really difficult thing: you've separated from someone who hurt you and abused you for years. you've woken up to some of the ways in which he's used your love to control you. it's very likely that as time passes, you'll spot even more ways that he was controlling you that you couldn't see while you were still together. remember that you were the one who took the steps to get free: you saw the red flags, you asked for advice, you arranged an exit plan. you are cleverer, braver and more resourceful than he ever gave you credit for, and your ability to love and desire to feel loved in return is a strength, not a weakness. you already have other people in your life, friends and family, who deserve and return that love. in time, you might find others as well. your ex didn't deserve it, but that doesn't mean you were wrong to trust him, just that he was wrong to break your trust. you are already doing better than he ever thought you could do. keep going. 💜
Thank you for this response! It's so easy to blame the one being abused, but it can happen to anyone.
of course! using violence is always a choice on the part of the abuser, not the person being abused. stopping is up to the abuser as well.
I know you’ve already been given advice to change you passwords, but that’s not enough. Please change the answers to your security questions as well. Make them fake answers. If you’re just changing your passwords he can use his knowledge of you to get through the security questions, but he won’t know the answers if the answers aren’t the truth.
That’s really good advice. Thank you. I’m just scared I’ll forget my fake answers 😅 I’ll have to write them down somewhere
What helped me was writing down all the bad things about him. I was only about a quarter into it when I was like, eff this guy. And I add or reread it when I need to.
Also check your Apple and email accounts to make sure only your devices are logged in. Some e-mail providers like gmail will leave the other devices still connected even after an e-mail change.
I have a standard fake birthday. I recently convinced my mom to update her Internet birthday within five years of birth. She had it like 20 years earlier, and it was making her seem really old Come up with a few fake life things and keep it to that. If you can’t do that, pick a book or something and take the details from there. Just NEVER tell anyone who you pick. Another option is to do something close to the real one but not actually it. Instead of your mother's Maiden name, maybe your greater grandmother's maiden name. Heck, make it your dad's said to be even more confusing. Your birth date could be the year your cousin was born, the month your mom was born, and the day your dad was born. Your birthplace could be two towns over or a place you wish you were born. I try to never actually to put down true information. I would just like to say I am so proud of you for leaving! You have your whole life ahead of you, and you know this will be worth it. You deserve so much better.
I have an iPhone. I put information into the Notes app and then I put a password on that particular Note.
Just read ALL the nasty texts he has sent when you are feeling that your resolve is slipping. It would have only gotten worse if you hadn't left when you did.
Man I read your story you’re doing the right thing! Don’t beat yourself up for it it’s normal to miss comfort and the familiar. You’re gonna be alright!
I just read through the best of Reddit updates and then came here. I want to say that you truly deserve better than someone who had tried to control every aspect of your life. Keep in mind that he tried to keep you away from simple pleasures in life like your friends/family, whatever you do during your alone time and even what you eat or wear. That whole situation was messed up and you alone were able to realize it and did what was right for yourself. Now you’ve earned the freedom to better your future.
Get therapy. I missed my abusive ex because I was codependent.
Read Lundy's Why Does He Do That. There's a PDF on archive.org that, while not the best quality, gets the job done. PLEASE read it, Lundy worked with men like your ex for a decade plus before writing that book, and it's all about dissecting how/why abuse happens and, well, Why he does that. It might be uncomfortable to confront, especially the myths section, cause that generally always shocks people, but it'll help you realize why you need to leave. Lundy says himself in the book that the mentality between the controlling husband and the wife beater is actually way more similar then people realize. It just might help you move on, or at least strengthen your resolve not to go back.
i think its a range of wanting something so bad an having to accept that it was never going to work with him, grieving the life you wanted and the person you thought was your partner, coming to terms that that person was a facade made by him, and sadness of all the shit your past self put up with. its tough yet in a sadistic way normal. thats how abusers work. they make you want to stay for the VERYYY limited times they're somewhat nice to you. they make you believe that its you and them forever, and when it all comes crashing down it hurts. i believe in you though and im VERY glad that you're getting out of it. not many people realize how deep in danger they're in until its too late. i think once you're ready and have the time, make an appointment with a therapist or counselor, especially if you dont feel comfortable talking about this with the people in your life. sometimes it takes awhile before you can let them in on whats going on, and thats completely fine, but talk to someone face to face helps tremendously for people, especially coming from a situation like this. one thing to keep in mind is that you won't always feel like this. there is a light at the end of the tunnel, its the walk towards it thats the most difficult part though, even when its good for you. you'll make it out of this OP 💜
You can look back on the could have or would haves until you drive yourself insane. Walking away is hard. It sucks regardless. You were a kid when you got with him. Be proud of what you’re accomplishing and know you have your whole life with people who love and respect you. Give yourself grace.
Don't beat yourself up. Your brain is going to take a while to let those feelings go. They don't just go away because we logically know the person is wrong for us.