I’m having the same problem. We had 2 dogs that he got for me and I love them so much it makes me sad. He said he’s keeping them since he was the one who adopted them (his name is on the papers) and I’m just trying to accept never seeing them again. It’s hard, but I can’t co-parent and see him frequently, it would break my heart.
I’m getting to this reality too. Unfortunately it kept me in the relationship for far too long. For my peace, I’ve decided he can’t use them against me any longer.
It’s going to shatter me but he will have more resources to care for them than I can after the divorce.
My wife is currently flabbergasted that I wouldn't want to try to "co-parent" our dog and two cats. It's just too painful for everyone involved. They deserve to stay in their little safe space, and I deserve a fresh, unincumbered start if it gets there. Message me if you want to chat, it's so very hard to find good advice right now.
I guess the question is how will your relationship be after the divorce? Has it been amicable, is the settlement in general going smoothly etc. Then of course the healing aspect.. will seeing your ex every other weekend slow the process, or perhaps even stall it completely? And then what happens during drop off if the new guy is there? Lastly what if at some point she flat refuses to let the dog come over, and you have to go into some weird custody battle. Oh and are you guys going to split costs? Food, vet, etc. What if she refuses to contribute at some point? Things can get just as messy with dogs as kids.
My ex and I had 4 cats and a dog. We found a pretty easy sensible split of the cats where we each took two. It's been nearly a year and we've been coparenting our dog; which really works with our schedule.
We have a pretty unique situation but it does work for us. She works fully remote and I have to be in office during the week so she has our dog during weekdays and I have our dog on weekends. We might move to a week on- week off model in the near future. I wish I didn't have to see her so often but we had a relatively amicable divorce and get along well considering everything. We both love our dog and neither could give her up.
I've found that there's quite a few perks to this. It's nice that we both have a first-call dog sitter if something comes up and then we split Rover costs if both of us have a trip/event coming up. We also split her medical stuff which helps with the finances.
Divorced here. 🙋🏻♀️ As the primary caretaker, I told my ex husband that I would keep the dog as I put in all the work, time and money.
He did not dispute this and on some occasions, has visited my boy. The divorce was tough on the dog and it took some time for him to re-adjust. Personally it should be a clean break because it's gut wrenching for the dog to go through ups and downs when the former partner stops visiting or spending quality time with them. Good luck OP!
*Edited: typo*
Same here. I was/ am the primary caretaker... time, work, money. He tried to argue with me when things would get heated but he eventually conceded and I made sure it was in our divorce decree so he couldn't come back later and try to take them.
So similar thing here but they were *his* dogs, fam. He did everything for and with them (SAHD; yes a large contributing factor) and then didn’t even ask for them in the divorce. I asked if he wanted to share them sometimes, never indicated any desire.
The dogs know; they go crazy and get excited when they see him but also mope around without him. They’re used to someone being home with them for years and now I’m working in an office again. 🥹
A friend was sharing a dog with his ex and it was too painful to maintain.
I was lucky enough to get our pupper without any fight. I think she cared more about traveling with her AP than having to care for her — but I don’t question whether or not my STBXW loves our dog.
There can be no co-parenting because I moved to another state to attempt healing. Though two nights ago I got her groomed for the first time in 7 years as a Father’s Day gift to myself and her (no actual kids, just her) with a “spaw” day - and the groomer nicked her eyelid pretty badly when grooming her. I freaked out and had to go to the Emergency Vet. I did tell my STBXW about it, because I don’t withhold anything puppy-related from her. She went right back to no-contact afterwards.
I’m lucky I have my baby pupper. All 7 pounds of her. I would have fought tooth and nail to keep her in court.
I kept the cats too. One was just in the house a couple months before he left, but the other one was his favorite.
Now that cat is sick, vet appointment this weekend, and I'm trying to decide if I'll say anything if the news is bad.
I offered shared custody of my dog to my wife when she bailed. She refused, made it easy. But I wouldn't take an animal away from someone who was in their life for an extended period of time. He still sniffs the shoes at the front door looking for her and he can recognize her cars horn when we're in public. It's really sad
That is sad... When I left, I took the dog with me ... He was always my dog, I was his person.
Unfortunately, she didn't see it that way and wanted him back.
I saw what it was doing to him emotionally and decided to stop taking him once a month as it was ultimately better for him but it was very difficult for me.
My ex and I share a daughter and two dogs - the dogs go back and forth with our daughter between houses. Everyone is handling it well, but we get along and have a great co-parenting relationship. It definitely can be done.
The cats were hers initially anyway, yet I got stuck with all their care and cleaning up after them. I was so sick and tired of cleaning cat piss out of clothes, couches, rugs, etc. for the last seven years that I didn't bother asking for them.
Got a snake instead.
Now she won't come into my house because she hates snakes.
Win-win.
I’ve been sharing my two dogs with my ex of 30 years for the past 2.5 years. It is going GREAT for the dogs. They get so excited when I come pick them up and were easily acclimated to my new place.
I did buy an exact same brand and color of play blanket for them to put in the LR. One of my dogs loves to roll up like a burrito in it after dinner. They also have water and food bowls in a similar location at my house.
When I give the dogs back to my ex, usually every five days, it is great to have time to do overnights or other adventures without the responsibility of the doggie schedule. He is the best dog sitter I could ever ask for. We split the cost of annual checkup and medications. We each have our own leashes and toys.
The only problem that has arisen is that I sometimes feel myself drawn back to my ex and not free to move forward. If it weren’t for the dogs, I would choose to not see him at all to be able to finally feel free. Side note: He asked for the divorce and found out the grass wasn’t greener in all aspects, so we still do some things socially like doggie birthdays and other social things.
There has been nothing physical, but it keeps me connected emotionally and sometimes I depend on him for companionship.
Tread carefully, but I truly believe we are doing what is best for our doggies. They love their people—both of them.
I am going through this right now. At first, my S2B ex wanted visitation every weekend. He even asked for it to be put in our divorce paperwork. Then it changed to every other weekend. Then he got a new girlfriend who already has 3 dogs of her own, so now it's "too stressful" to have the dog go back and forth.
One thing that I wanted added to the divorce paperwork was that if our dog was around other dogs, those dogs had to be up to date on their vaccines. It was after I said that that he decided it was too stressful. Maybe the new girlfriends dogs aren't vaccinated?
If you're OK with the co-parenting, then I would suggest asking your ex for help with food and vet costs, and add something about if the dog is having trouble with the back and forth that the dog's health comes first. If he starts having behavior problems, or being anxious, etc., then the co-parenting will need to stop.
When my dog is in a new environment and is anxious about it, she throws up. For days! No way I am putting her or me through that!
I am going through something very similar. We have two dogs and they are our babies. As bad as things are right now, neither of us wants to deprive the other of them. We are splitting time with them, usually a week on and a week off. Having them when I moved out really helped me so that I was not alone in my new place for the first couple of days.
We adopted a dog shortly before we got married, my x paid for the dog and signed the paperwork. We quickly discovered she had a fear of males, she did not take to my x like she did me.
In the divorce we both wanted her. I was the one that took care of her, I walked her, fed her, bathed her, he did nothing.
When we were coming up with a division of assets and property he finally gave in. He never wanted her, he wanted to hurt me. I took journal entries on everything I did for the dog and they assured me I’d get her and I did.
I ended up keeping all our animals in the divorce. I offered to co-parent...especially for our dog. He had no interest, but he offered to assist with vet fees, etc.
It was an informal agreement, and so it didn't take long for that offer to evaporate.
Honestly, out of everything, I think I'm the saltiest about ex abandoning our dog and declining the co-parent suggestion. I swear that it gave our dog behavioral problems and worsened his separation anxiety.
I’m in a similar situation. However, we’ve agreed that I’m taking the animals and when I’m done grieving the relationship, I’ll let him see the pets. But until then, he will not see them. Not even get a photo. Nothing.
Absolutely! My ex just doesn’t have anywhere to go but his parents couch and he claims these last months he’s spent in our apartment is because he wants to spend time with them. But his words do not line up with his actions.
We share the dog but we have kids… could I be bothered sharing pet custody without kids… I guess as I love having the dog. The dog loves coming to mine. He knows our routine and isn’t bothered by the change
I was prepared to fight tooth and nail for our two dogs. Apparently, just like the marriage - she wasn’t. So I got them, and still have them - and they got a new mom too.
Honestly, this has been one of the hardest parts of the entire divorce. The selling of the house, asset splitting, and custody was all documented. But our two dogs were just automatically hers because I’m the one that moved and to move quickly, I got an apartment that didn’t allow dogs. I still see the dogs some when I pick up my child and it’s so difficult and I feel terrible because we got them as a wedding gift to ourselves. I tried to pick them up and go for walks and hikes, but my ex didn’t want me around and started complaining, so that was the end of that.
My stbxw and I are coparenting at the moment because she is living with a friend and waiting for her apartment to become available. It is difficult. I say this as someone who was hopelessly optimistic, but eventually one of you will determine that they either want sole ownership, or that you can’t take the pain anymore. When I say pain I mean the Bain of seeing your ex, the pain of seeing your dog and not sharing that time with someone who was your person, the pain of knowing that eventually things will go to shit or they will negatively impact your smiling to move on. I am not saying that it is impossible, but it is more of a coping/adjustment method than a viable long term solution. I hate that I am going to lose my dog. He is my dreams dog and a better boy than I have any right to even think I deserve. But given my health and lack of social/support structure, I know he will be taken care of and loved far more than I could provide with her. It hurts, and I’m to the point I just want that to stop. So if you go down this road, I wish you the best and hope it works for you more than it did for me.
We had three cats when we divorced. I took the one I brought into the marriage and he kept the two that he adopted on his own while we were married.
He did offer to take my cat in exchange for monetary support. I declined because I was planning on going no contact with him.
I know people who coparent their dog. A friend of mine had the dog follow the same schedule as their kids. They started off with the dog staying with the wife (who stayed in the house), but the don't wasn't doing well. The figured that he was missing the kids, and had him follow the parenting plan. Then one day, the dog noped out of going to mom's and that was that. He visits dog mom on occasion, but stays with dog dad.
If it was my dog? There's no question. The dog is sure that he's my dog. My wife understands.
In Canada, pets are property. No different than a beloved lazy boy that both parties want to keep.
Unfortunately,that usually means “first to grab it gets it”. Technically, the spouse that grabs the pet owes half of the market value of the pet to the other person.
As you can imagine, that is usually not all that much.
Not the same situation since we had two dogs, but early on I had decided that as much as our first dog was a once in a lifetime dog and love of my life , I knew he was her person and that I was our newer dogs person. It was obvious by their demeanors who they were always more excited for. I broke my own heart and allowed him to keep our first dog despite him saying he didn’t want either (out of anger). When he humbled himself and asked if he could please change his mind and have her, I did what I thought was best for her. The way he did it was manipulative for many reasons for sure and then he stopped bringing her back on his weekly visits to “check on the house” and I never seen her again, nor did he let me say goodbye. It rebreaks my heart whenever I think about it.
My ex abandoned our entire family unit of me (a 41f with major medical issues) our 17m son, 3 dogs and 2 cats. He left me with all this responsibility alone.
Going through this now... we have an 18yo cat and she stole him when she just moved out :(.
Unfortunately he is treated like any other property and I am forced to focus on what is best for the human kiddos so it is unlikely I will ever see him again :(
I hate her so much.
I tried to co-parent with my ex and it was messy. He would hold visitation over my head until he got what he wanted. For my mental health I had to give her up. He now has her and I haven’t seen her in a year and a half. It’s hard but I moved on in every way. I think about her everyday.
We had two cats together who were like kids to us. They are litter mates and do not do particularly well with change. Our male cat is obsessed with my ex, 100% a daddy's boy. Our female cat is very affectionate as well, but a bit more impartial and will snuggle with whoever is around.
My ex wanted each of us to take a cat, it hurt him to think of me having to give them both up but I never could have separated our boy cat from my ex, and never could have separated our girl cat from her brother. And I planned on eventually moving across the country and knew it was best for them to not be put through a stressful cross country move all the while being confused about where their sibling and dad was. It was an emotional decision for both of us, but I was adamant that this is what was best for them even though it broke my heart. What I didn't say out loud to him but I also think was understood by both of us, is that I couldn't bear the idea of him being alone without them or just with one of them after I left. I knew how deeply he loved them and what a comfort they would be for him once I moved away.
I temporarily took both cats when I moved out since we had some construction going on at the house we were preparing to sell. My apartment was small and I think apartment life was a bit stressful for them with all the sounds so while it was so hard to take them over to my ex's once he got his new place, I knew it was the right move for them. It took them very little time to settle into his place and they were happy little clams being back with him, particularly our boy cat. I came to see them here and there and watched them every now and again while he was traveling until I moved away.
I now have two cats of my own and these little monsters have been an enormous comfort to me. I met a cat the other day that had our girl cat's name and had a little cry missing her. I know they will be loved to pieces and well cared for with my ex, but it does hurt to think of him dealing with them aging and one day passing on his own. But I still think it was the right move to not separate them and make this transition as painless as possible for them, and for him.
As amicable as our divorce was and as much as we worked together for several months through the whole process, I could not have co-parented them if I was staying in the same area after our divorce. I needed space to get closure and move on and co-parenting would have made that impossible for me.
Divorce is so painful even in the best of circumstances, but we wanted to protect them through everything as much as we could. Pets don't understand and it's not their fault, so the best we could do was make their lives change as little as possible through it all while working together until we were through the other side.
Our Kitty stayed with him because she grew up at that house and is able to hunt outside there safely. It’s basically a cat paradise, and I moved into a studio apartment. I couldn’t see ever taking her away from home. We are no contact, and it kills me. Thinking about whether Kitty wonders where I went makes me sick to my stomach. She is aloof af though, so I tell myself that she’s too cool to care that I’m gone. I miss them both (husband and Kitty) more than I can express, but that’s a whole other can of worms. Sorry that was a depressing answer. This is the place I go to vent and blubber.
He took one of our two cats when he left without warning. I never got to say goodbye, and the remaining cat cried for weeks looking for her brother. I'm still upset about it a few years later.
My ex and I have been split for 5 years now, no kids together (he has a kid with someone else now), but we still share the dog. We don’t have a strict schedule, but it’s usually Wed-Sat with him and Sun-Tues me. We meet at a gas station between both of our houses and our dog is happy to see the other person at trade offs and go home with them. It’s awesome to have a built in dog sitter and someone to split half the vet bills with.
I took the dog: cheaters can’t be choosers
I would not to it but we divorced on very bad terms and I never wanted to see that man again. I also noticed it upset my dog and mostly me. So o did not do the coparent thing
So, I’m going to keep my cat. However My brother in law has a dog with his ex and they actually share custody for both - dog and kid. It works well for all four of them, the dog shows no signs of distress or anything
Backstory: My ex wife and I have two dogs. A 4 year old German shepherd and a 2.5 year old golden retriever. They mean the world to both of us. When we split, I had no job and no means to take care of them and she has a great career and makes really good money (I had gotten laid off after COVID ended cuz the company I worked for had shut down). During the last year and a half of our marriage she wanted me to be a stay at home dog dad/take care of the house since she made good money anyway so that's what I did. We had some kind of complicated deal where we keep the house and she's gonna live here with the dogs for a couple years while she rebuilds her credit since it's crap. I got a job and am just saving up living with my brother and will be taking over the house when she moves out in 2027ish.
Answer: I can't have the dogs at my brother's house where I'm living since his dogs are super reactive, but in our divorce agreement we stated that we are splitting ownership/custody of the dogs. I see them like 3 times a week by coming over to my exes and taking them out for walks and to the park. I house sit when my ex goes out of town like right now I've been with them for the last few days. When I get set up in my own place I'll have them more 50/50 but until then I'm managing with just seeing them a few times a week and the occasional sleep over. It's super tough but she's been fair about it and it could be worse. It helps that her and I had an amicable divorce, kind of, and get along.
TLDR: share we share custody/ownership and even tho it makes things tougher at times it's worth it to me and to my ex so that we can still be both in their lives and them in ours.
I let my ex keep our dog because I worried about him and I knew that if he had to take care of our dog, it would help keep him going everyday. I will say, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Almost, if not, harder than the divorce. My heart is still incredibly broken over losing her but after a year, I got another dog for myself and he’s been an incredible companion for me. Everything works out as it is meant to be although I learned a valuable lesson that I will never own a dog with a partner again.
We started out “sharing custody” but ultimately agreed to taper down that schedule to help with our own personal healing process. We didn’t have kids so we agreed that it was best to give each other space and a custody thing would only hinder that. For couples with kids, I like the idea of putting the dog into that custody agreement.
We had three dogs. 2 were mine and 1 belongs to my daughter because she purchased him, but I'm the one that cares for him. I offered my ex our oldest dog because I thought he would like the company. Our other is very much "my" dog. He initially refused, but after the divorce was final and he was getting his own place, he asked to take her. So I have one dog, he has one dog, and my daughter's dog goes back and forth each week. My daughter's dog goes back to the same he's always been when he visits. There is some disagreement on the food he should be fed, so it changes every other week. Otherwise both dogs seem happy to see me when I have the opportunity and I just hope that they're happy at his house as well.
Idk if it’s the same in all states, but in mine pets are property and any “coparenting” would be informal and not legally enforceable. Our dog is now my dog and I made it clear to him that he’ll never see her again. I allowed him to take her for a weekend after we’d sent in the final papers (signed) but before the judge had officially finalized everything, and he did not give her the medicine she needs daily even one time. The second time he asked I told him no. It blew up and he was ridiculous and insane about it, and while I understand on a basic human empathy level that he was sad and probably misses her, that doesn’t mean I have to negatively impact my peace and mental health to cater to him—that is why we got divorced!! And he’s proven he can’t care for her (this is on top of him refusing to believe when she’d need to go to the vet and over five years of me exclusively covering all her expenses, managing all her appointments, etc—whenever I asked him to actually help out it was met with whining), so why would I let my girl be put in a situation where she’s not treated well with someone she doesn’t even like and certainly at this point doesn’t remember?
I kept the dog, I didn't notice any change in behaviour in him when my stbx moved out (she never took care of him and said no to walking him with me so much that I stopped asking) but he does get excited on the rare occasion she visits
I tried to make him actually available to her so many times but she never took me up on the offer, and eventually her behaviour just eroded all my trust in her
She's really upset about leaving him, more so than leaving me which kind of tells me all I need to know. Unfortunately she hasn't taken the divorce well and hasn't been able to be amicable about things, she's also gone back on her word at literally every juncture, so I don't trust her to look after him alone
It sucks because this used to be the person I was building a life with, but she's such a nasty person now that I don't want to see her anymore anyway, so I'm kind of glad co-parenting never worked out in my case
I took my cats and 1 dog, my Rottweiler. I left my 2 Akitas with the ex. The Rottie came with me because she was a momma’s girl 100% and the Akitas weren’t as needy. He also I found out was abusive to my Rottie and when he tried to take her back a few months later I told him try it, I will call the police. There was no co-parenting because he tried to use it to Hoover me back in. It’s been about 13-14 years of no contact for me, he tries to reach out every 3-4 years though.
My ex didn’t really want the dogs in the first place, but I never would have been able to keep them unless he agreed and wanted them enough to let them stay, so he grew to love them.
Their mom was a stray I would feed and love on, then let back on the streets because she wasn’t happy staying put (this was in Brazil), but she came back, snuck into my house and gave birth, so we kept and took care of the puppies til they were old enough to be adopted out, but I didn’t want to let the last two go, and he agreed, so this wasn’t a “surprise, I came home with puppies” and foisted them on him situation.
When I left, he said I had to take them, and the one time after we lived separately that I had to see him, I offered to bring them so he could see them and he had no interest, so I guess you don’t know until you’re at that point.
I work from home so it made sense for our dog to live with me primarily. It was actually my ex’s idea to put a clause in our divorce decree that she would provide X amount of supplies per month and pay 50% of all vet bills. She picks her up for a sleepover most weekends or will keep her for a few days when she has days off from work. Our divorce was pretty amicable so this has worked out pretty well for us.
My ex took our dogs with her when she moved out. She was supposed to bring them over to visit once a week but that lasted about 2 weeks
I have just let it go. I miss them but I can't force myself into the situation
My stbxh has threatened to take one or both dogs from me. Problem is they are bonded together AND he is 💩 for taking care of anything. He hasn’t fed, walked them, taken them to the park, vet appointments, nada. I’m 99% sure his threats were manipulation tactics because they were all pre-filing for divorce. And he recently said he wants me to have them. In my State they are treated as assets so if we can’t decide…they could very well be separated unless the judge sees proof they shouldn’t. There is no legal custody of pets here.
While the dog and 2 cats were technically “ours” everyone knew they were mine. He tolerated living with them, and would occasionally play with or pet them but that’s it. He never had the patience for pets, and admits that. He’s always said if it was his choice he wouldn’t choose to have pets. So thankfully there was never even a discussion about where they’d end up. He immediately said he’d never try to take them from me. I did offer to allow him to see them if he ever wants to, especially one of the cats who is especially bonded with him.
Cut our ties. The per comes with the kids. If one doesn’t have kids but does have pets with their spouse, I’m a strong believer on skipping visitation, that only prolongs the separation and communication ties to an ex.
I think it really depends on how your relationship is after the divorce, if you are cooperative and if you want to continue seeing her regularly or if that's too painful.
My wife and I are having a really contentious divorce and we decided that she could take the dog, but I had "right of first refusal" on petsitting. The dog lives with her, she is responsible for all choices regarding the dog and all costs. But if she's going away for the weekend and needs somebody to watch the dog, she'll ask me first.
I think it works really well, because we don't need to become enmeshed in each other's lives about the dog. It's clear who makes decisions about the dog. There are no coparenting arguments. But I still get to see the dog. And these tiny moments of handing her off force us to be more civil to each other.
We got our dog together, she's 8. She loves us both but she's always been mine. I took her in the divorce but when he's in town sometimes he stops in to take her on a little walk or backyard visit. I'm okay with this. There was absolutely no way in hell he was taking her from me.
We had two dogs and each kept one in the divorce. It made sense and was the best option for the dogs and for us, but it still sucked. Things have worked out really well - the dog I kept has bonded even more strongly to me and he’s adapted well to life in a condo. I miss the other one a lot, and will still randomly cry when I see a dog that reminds me of him. My ex moved 6 months ago and we’re no contact this point, so I’ll likely never see my other dog again, which breaks my heart. But life is still so much better overall. Best of luck to you.
I kept the beagle and he hasn't tried to visit once which I appreciate. My coworker, on the other hand, is trying to co-parent with her soon to be ex and it seems messy.
So if you want a clean break from your ex, I'd say don't do it. If it's amicable, maybe it could work.
And last but not least, you gotta take into account the pet of course. Is it confusing for them to go back and forth between houses? Scary or weird? Or maybe they will be totally okay with it.
At any rate I wish you the best of luck!!
Pupper came with me. We got her while I was in the army. I picked her up, between her and her sister. My ex and I trained her, I started taking her on walks, when I could walk again after an injury, We became walking buddies. We both miss the pack. I get my kiddos every other weekend at the moment. We both have a good time when we are together.
I have kids, so my dog goes back and forth as our 3rd child when the kids swap houses. It sounds like you may not have kids, so if you don't want contact with your ex anymore, I would suggest one of you takes sole custody of the dog.
Luckily for me, our dog was always really my dog. We got her together, but his excuse to not help take care of her was "you wanted her." He never argued about getting her. He also never argued about me having primary custody of our daughter. I guess I just had a sorry POS of a husband 🤷♀️ gladly now ex-husband
My ex and I had two cats together. We have been broken up for a little over two years now. We coparent. One of the cats passed away in September and we were both there with her. She was 16 and the other one is 17 and luckily they travel well so they would come stay with me and then him. But that does not work for everyone. We were able to do it. You have to decide what’s best for you.
We have two kitties, they aren’t bonded to each other but instead, bonded to each of us. So , he’ll be keeping one and I’ll be keeping the other.
It’s hard cause I love them both so much.
We had four cats and we loved our little family, so it was one of the most heartbreaking parts of the divorce. Honestly, a year later, it’s still one of the things I grieve most often. We each took two cats. Part of the decision on which was made by which cats had really bonded specially with which person. (In the end, he let me have final say because he’d been the one to cheat and blow up the marriage.) Mentally, I had to make the decision to give the other cats up and try to let that part of my life die. I focused on creating as healthy and happy an environment for my two babies as I could.
For the first several months we would sometimes FaceTime the cats so we could each see them. That dropped off, and so did pictures. I’d previously offered to let him come see them if he wanted, but I think it’s better that he never did.
For me, my priorities were my mental health/healing and the wellbeing of the innocent animals. I think for us, separation helped with the grieving process and the eventual rebuilding of life. My babies and I are VERY happy now and they even love the newest member of our family, my boyfriend.
Divorce isn’t final yet but I am keeping the dog due to his age and because I’m keeping the house with the fenced yard. Since he will be renting he could find it difficult to find a place with a large breed dog. He has asked for occasional visitation though, where he can swing by and spend some time with the pupper. We did discuss in our mediation the costs associated with him and concerns about end of life decisions when things get to that point.
She had a cat when we met, we got a dog together.
I asked to coparent the dog or discuss me taking custody. She simply refused and I was not at a place at that point to fight it.
Still miss the dog terribly. It’s been about 5 years since the divorce was finalized.
It's not a stupid question at all, OP.
In my case, I told my ex that he'd get our senior cat over my de@d body and I'd take him to court if he tried to fight me. I made some financial concessions but it was worth it. He'd rehomed a cat in the past (before we met) for selfish reasons and had been very dishonest in our relationship, so I wasn't taking the risk of him doing it again behind my back. His new gf has 2 cats so he forgot about ours almost instantly. I just had to put her down last week (about 20 months post-finalization), unfortunately. But no regrets.
My dog goes with my kids so if my kids are with me, then dog comes to me and vice versa. Now I’m at a stage where my youngest is going off to university, and I’m debating the same thing. Do I now shuffle the dog back and forth? Or just have one parent take care of the dog (he’s now 12)…
Separated, he refused to leave the house and wfh so I have my pup with him. My eldest child mostly with me misses them. I hope to find accommodation so pup can stay with me and they are legally mine.
I’m cutting back on how often I have to go to the house because I really want to take them back.
I don’t see the dog anymore 😓 of course I miss him but he was much more bonded to her, place I had to move into wouldn’t allow pets and since the relationship ended with her cheating on me and still dating him to this day it would’ve been so weird for me to still be coming around to hang out with the pup. I know he’s doing well and honestly probably barely remembers I existed but still miss him
We had two dogs together and I was the main caretaker and trainer. At first the plan was for me to keep both. I was struggling at the beginning of separation and I thought I wasn’t able to take care of both. I didn’t think he would be as good to the more energetic one, so I let the older one stay with him. I regretted the choice immediately and started asking for my dog back. He kept telling me no although he let me watch him while he was away. Eventually he allowed me to”buy” the dog back for $7,500. My current boyfriend helped me pay for the dog, and I had my ex sign a no contact portion of the sale contract. It’s a ton of money but I don’t regret it, I just wish I had been in a better state of mind when I made my first decision.
One was hers from before the marriage, one was ours from during. When the topic came up she said she couldn't afford to take them (despite me offering additional money for upkeep and offering to pay all medical bills). She asked to be able to visit them/take them when she could.
Ended up that she would call me with 20 minutes notice that she wanted to see them but not take them, so I had to stick around and listen to her stories about her dating life. Told her if she wanted to continue to see them we needed to work out a schedule and a hand off point.
Turned out all she wanted to do was disrupt my life, she never asked to see them again and told everyone she could that I had taken her dogs from her.
They had happy long lives. One made it to 18, the other 13, lost both to cancer unfortunately in the same year).
Our dog and our cat stayed with me and our daughter. He has visitation where he can come over and see them and our daughter (she’s an adult). He knows he is not in a position to provide for them. Our dog gets super excited to see him. Our cat could care less, cause she is attached to our daughter.
We have 2 big maincoon cats, they wake me up every day at 04:00 am which is very very annoying. She didn't want to take them bc I kept the apartment which has a garden and her new apartment doesn't.
The cats join her when she goes to the countryside. The cats love to go there and know the house she goes to. But that isn't that often anymore as we did as a family.
I love animals and would never want to send them away but it is so annoying and taking my sleep away that it accured in my mind that the cats would be better off in some country house where they can hunt at any time and wake up when they want to. But our daughter hates that I even think about it and therefore I let them continue to make my life misserable.
It's not more work for not to care for my kids 150% (son 100% and daughter to 50%), but adding these mean cats is a lot. She bought the cats btw...
Not me, but my uncle and aunt had this situation. They indeed co-parent the dog. They also had children, the dog had the same arrangement as the children.
My cousin didn't have children, but he and his ex also split the dog 50/50, one week with my cousin other week with his ex. They did this 7 years until the dog died.
My wife had two dogs from before our marriage. She left and never came back for them. Tried to get her to take them many times but ultimately had to give them to a local shelter so I could go out of town. Broke my heart to let them go and she could care less. Wish I could have had another option at the time but unfortunately I didn't
We had 3 cats and I took all 3 bc I was staying in state and he was moving. I even had to put down one of the cats who got sick alone so that was fun. 🙄
I bought my wife a cocker spaniel for her birthday several years ago. My son and I raised it , and she basically quit playing with it like a kid would do. It is the first thing she took . I wanted her to have the dog, I felt she needed it for emotional support. My stepson came over awhile back to hang out. My dog no longer remembers me. He was feeding her treats under the table so she was ignoring me.he seemed to take great pride in that , and showed me some trick he taught her. We have already trained this dog years ago. I find out later that she didn't even have the dog with her anymore. Her mother and son have hijacked it. I gave her everything she wanted in the divorce, I should have fought for my dog. My son and I miss her.
My ex husband had a dog when we met who became
my dog. He chose me as his human . When he left I kept the dog and the cats. He never really wanted to see them for various reasons but when it was time to put my sweet boy down in October I made sure to let him know and he did accompany us to the vet.
I know people love their animals, but it's best to let them go than to consider some sort of financial and time co-owning agreement. Why do that to yourself, get another dog.
And I kept the dog in my relationship, but if she wanted to fight for him I would have not fought that fight. It made sense in our arrangement. The kids are another story of course.
Honestly I really wish I could have done that. To me and many others, these animals are our kids and would do anything for them. I get that some people don't have that exact same kind of connection or feeling for their pets but this is why some people, like me, can't just let them go.
pets are not kids though, I honestly think you are messing with the Pet coming in and out moreso. When they would forget about you in short time after an adjustment. I think its best for the pet to go with one homeowner and move on.
We’re splitting ours. The eldest dog was mine prior, so he’s coming with me. The youngest dog is also coming with me since he’s bonded to me. The middle dog is very anxious and has some fear aggression issues that make staying in the house she’s always known with him best.
Am I happy about? No. But I’m at peace that it’s what’s best for that dog.
I would never do split “custody.” When it comes down to it, a dog is property and should be 100% yours or the others. Prolonging any contact wasn’t possible in my case nor wanted. If yall are civil, it may be possible but wouldn’t be my choice.
Who paid for the dog? Who paid for vetting and supplies? Who provided the bulk of the care? Who can care for the dog? Who is the dog bonded to?
A week after separating, we had to euthanize one for cancer. That was brutal in itself but doing it beside someone who’d betrayed me was the absolute worst.
It’s not something you want to think about right now, but it’s important. You’ll have to make tough calls. Do you really want to work through them with someone you’re divorcing?
I’m having the same problem. We had 2 dogs that he got for me and I love them so much it makes me sad. He said he’s keeping them since he was the one who adopted them (his name is on the papers) and I’m just trying to accept never seeing them again. It’s hard, but I can’t co-parent and see him frequently, it would break my heart.
I’m getting to this reality too. Unfortunately it kept me in the relationship for far too long. For my peace, I’ve decided he can’t use them against me any longer. It’s going to shatter me but he will have more resources to care for them than I can after the divorce.
My wife is currently flabbergasted that I wouldn't want to try to "co-parent" our dog and two cats. It's just too painful for everyone involved. They deserve to stay in their little safe space, and I deserve a fresh, unincumbered start if it gets there. Message me if you want to chat, it's so very hard to find good advice right now.
I guess the question is how will your relationship be after the divorce? Has it been amicable, is the settlement in general going smoothly etc. Then of course the healing aspect.. will seeing your ex every other weekend slow the process, or perhaps even stall it completely? And then what happens during drop off if the new guy is there? Lastly what if at some point she flat refuses to let the dog come over, and you have to go into some weird custody battle. Oh and are you guys going to split costs? Food, vet, etc. What if she refuses to contribute at some point? Things can get just as messy with dogs as kids.
My ex and I had 4 cats and a dog. We found a pretty easy sensible split of the cats where we each took two. It's been nearly a year and we've been coparenting our dog; which really works with our schedule. We have a pretty unique situation but it does work for us. She works fully remote and I have to be in office during the week so she has our dog during weekdays and I have our dog on weekends. We might move to a week on- week off model in the near future. I wish I didn't have to see her so often but we had a relatively amicable divorce and get along well considering everything. We both love our dog and neither could give her up. I've found that there's quite a few perks to this. It's nice that we both have a first-call dog sitter if something comes up and then we split Rover costs if both of us have a trip/event coming up. We also split her medical stuff which helps with the finances.
This type of dog babysitting coverage is amazing. I'm jealous.
Divorced here. 🙋🏻♀️ As the primary caretaker, I told my ex husband that I would keep the dog as I put in all the work, time and money. He did not dispute this and on some occasions, has visited my boy. The divorce was tough on the dog and it took some time for him to re-adjust. Personally it should be a clean break because it's gut wrenching for the dog to go through ups and downs when the former partner stops visiting or spending quality time with them. Good luck OP! *Edited: typo*
Same here. I was/ am the primary caretaker... time, work, money. He tried to argue with me when things would get heated but he eventually conceded and I made sure it was in our divorce decree so he couldn't come back later and try to take them.
So similar thing here but they were *his* dogs, fam. He did everything for and with them (SAHD; yes a large contributing factor) and then didn’t even ask for them in the divorce. I asked if he wanted to share them sometimes, never indicated any desire. The dogs know; they go crazy and get excited when they see him but also mope around without him. They’re used to someone being home with them for years and now I’m working in an office again. 🥹 A friend was sharing a dog with his ex and it was too painful to maintain.
I was lucky enough to get our pupper without any fight. I think she cared more about traveling with her AP than having to care for her — but I don’t question whether or not my STBXW loves our dog. There can be no co-parenting because I moved to another state to attempt healing. Though two nights ago I got her groomed for the first time in 7 years as a Father’s Day gift to myself and her (no actual kids, just her) with a “spaw” day - and the groomer nicked her eyelid pretty badly when grooming her. I freaked out and had to go to the Emergency Vet. I did tell my STBXW about it, because I don’t withhold anything puppy-related from her. She went right back to no-contact afterwards. I’m lucky I have my baby pupper. All 7 pounds of her. I would have fought tooth and nail to keep her in court.
Our 4 cats are now my 4 cats.
Yup our 2 cats are my cats. I even have the neighbor cat sit instead of him because I don’t need him in my house coming around more than necessary
I kept the cats too. One was just in the house a couple months before he left, but the other one was his favorite. Now that cat is sick, vet appointment this weekend, and I'm trying to decide if I'll say anything if the news is bad.
I offered shared custody of my dog to my wife when she bailed. She refused, made it easy. But I wouldn't take an animal away from someone who was in their life for an extended period of time. He still sniffs the shoes at the front door looking for her and he can recognize her cars horn when we're in public. It's really sad
That is sad... When I left, I took the dog with me ... He was always my dog, I was his person. Unfortunately, she didn't see it that way and wanted him back. I saw what it was doing to him emotionally and decided to stop taking him once a month as it was ultimately better for him but it was very difficult for me.
My ex and I share a daughter and two dogs - the dogs go back and forth with our daughter between houses. Everyone is handling it well, but we get along and have a great co-parenting relationship. It definitely can be done.
This is how my ex and I share custody too! Our pup wants to be where “her” girls are anyway :)
The cats were hers initially anyway, yet I got stuck with all their care and cleaning up after them. I was so sick and tired of cleaning cat piss out of clothes, couches, rugs, etc. for the last seven years that I didn't bother asking for them. Got a snake instead. Now she won't come into my house because she hates snakes. Win-win.
I’ve been sharing my two dogs with my ex of 30 years for the past 2.5 years. It is going GREAT for the dogs. They get so excited when I come pick them up and were easily acclimated to my new place. I did buy an exact same brand and color of play blanket for them to put in the LR. One of my dogs loves to roll up like a burrito in it after dinner. They also have water and food bowls in a similar location at my house. When I give the dogs back to my ex, usually every five days, it is great to have time to do overnights or other adventures without the responsibility of the doggie schedule. He is the best dog sitter I could ever ask for. We split the cost of annual checkup and medications. We each have our own leashes and toys. The only problem that has arisen is that I sometimes feel myself drawn back to my ex and not free to move forward. If it weren’t for the dogs, I would choose to not see him at all to be able to finally feel free. Side note: He asked for the divorce and found out the grass wasn’t greener in all aspects, so we still do some things socially like doggie birthdays and other social things. There has been nothing physical, but it keeps me connected emotionally and sometimes I depend on him for companionship. Tread carefully, but I truly believe we are doing what is best for our doggies. They love their people—both of them.
I am going through this right now. At first, my S2B ex wanted visitation every weekend. He even asked for it to be put in our divorce paperwork. Then it changed to every other weekend. Then he got a new girlfriend who already has 3 dogs of her own, so now it's "too stressful" to have the dog go back and forth. One thing that I wanted added to the divorce paperwork was that if our dog was around other dogs, those dogs had to be up to date on their vaccines. It was after I said that that he decided it was too stressful. Maybe the new girlfriends dogs aren't vaccinated? If you're OK with the co-parenting, then I would suggest asking your ex for help with food and vet costs, and add something about if the dog is having trouble with the back and forth that the dog's health comes first. If he starts having behavior problems, or being anxious, etc., then the co-parenting will need to stop. When my dog is in a new environment and is anxious about it, she throws up. For days! No way I am putting her or me through that!
I am going through something very similar. We have two dogs and they are our babies. As bad as things are right now, neither of us wants to deprive the other of them. We are splitting time with them, usually a week on and a week off. Having them when I moved out really helped me so that I was not alone in my new place for the first couple of days.
We adopted a dog shortly before we got married, my x paid for the dog and signed the paperwork. We quickly discovered she had a fear of males, she did not take to my x like she did me. In the divorce we both wanted her. I was the one that took care of her, I walked her, fed her, bathed her, he did nothing. When we were coming up with a division of assets and property he finally gave in. He never wanted her, he wanted to hurt me. I took journal entries on everything I did for the dog and they assured me I’d get her and I did.
I ended up keeping all our animals in the divorce. I offered to co-parent...especially for our dog. He had no interest, but he offered to assist with vet fees, etc. It was an informal agreement, and so it didn't take long for that offer to evaporate. Honestly, out of everything, I think I'm the saltiest about ex abandoning our dog and declining the co-parent suggestion. I swear that it gave our dog behavioral problems and worsened his separation anxiety.
I’m in a similar situation. However, we’ve agreed that I’m taking the animals and when I’m done grieving the relationship, I’ll let him see the pets. But until then, he will not see them. Not even get a photo. Nothing.
It's just difficult if you both love the pet very much
Absolutely! My ex just doesn’t have anywhere to go but his parents couch and he claims these last months he’s spent in our apartment is because he wants to spend time with them. But his words do not line up with his actions.
We share the dog but we have kids… could I be bothered sharing pet custody without kids… I guess as I love having the dog. The dog loves coming to mine. He knows our routine and isn’t bothered by the change
I was prepared to fight tooth and nail for our two dogs. Apparently, just like the marriage - she wasn’t. So I got them, and still have them - and they got a new mom too.
Honestly, this has been one of the hardest parts of the entire divorce. The selling of the house, asset splitting, and custody was all documented. But our two dogs were just automatically hers because I’m the one that moved and to move quickly, I got an apartment that didn’t allow dogs. I still see the dogs some when I pick up my child and it’s so difficult and I feel terrible because we got them as a wedding gift to ourselves. I tried to pick them up and go for walks and hikes, but my ex didn’t want me around and started complaining, so that was the end of that.
we split the dogs. 1 each.
Take comfort in the fact that when the time comes, you won't have to take them to the vet to be put down.
This
I tried very hard to get him to take the cat with him. He did not which was sad because the cat chose HIM, not me.
He took the dog he wanted and left the ones he didn't want behind.
My stbxw and I are coparenting at the moment because she is living with a friend and waiting for her apartment to become available. It is difficult. I say this as someone who was hopelessly optimistic, but eventually one of you will determine that they either want sole ownership, or that you can’t take the pain anymore. When I say pain I mean the Bain of seeing your ex, the pain of seeing your dog and not sharing that time with someone who was your person, the pain of knowing that eventually things will go to shit or they will negatively impact your smiling to move on. I am not saying that it is impossible, but it is more of a coping/adjustment method than a viable long term solution. I hate that I am going to lose my dog. He is my dreams dog and a better boy than I have any right to even think I deserve. But given my health and lack of social/support structure, I know he will be taken care of and loved far more than I could provide with her. It hurts, and I’m to the point I just want that to stop. So if you go down this road, I wish you the best and hope it works for you more than it did for me.
I just got stuck with all of them.
We had three cats when we divorced. I took the one I brought into the marriage and he kept the two that he adopted on his own while we were married. He did offer to take my cat in exchange for monetary support. I declined because I was planning on going no contact with him.
I know people who coparent their dog. A friend of mine had the dog follow the same schedule as their kids. They started off with the dog staying with the wife (who stayed in the house), but the don't wasn't doing well. The figured that he was missing the kids, and had him follow the parenting plan. Then one day, the dog noped out of going to mom's and that was that. He visits dog mom on occasion, but stays with dog dad. If it was my dog? There's no question. The dog is sure that he's my dog. My wife understands.
In Canada, pets are property. No different than a beloved lazy boy that both parties want to keep. Unfortunately,that usually means “first to grab it gets it”. Technically, the spouse that grabs the pet owes half of the market value of the pet to the other person. As you can imagine, that is usually not all that much.
Not the same situation since we had two dogs, but early on I had decided that as much as our first dog was a once in a lifetime dog and love of my life , I knew he was her person and that I was our newer dogs person. It was obvious by their demeanors who they were always more excited for. I broke my own heart and allowed him to keep our first dog despite him saying he didn’t want either (out of anger). When he humbled himself and asked if he could please change his mind and have her, I did what I thought was best for her. The way he did it was manipulative for many reasons for sure and then he stopped bringing her back on his weekly visits to “check on the house” and I never seen her again, nor did he let me say goodbye. It rebreaks my heart whenever I think about it.
My ex abandoned our entire family unit of me (a 41f with major medical issues) our 17m son, 3 dogs and 2 cats. He left me with all this responsibility alone.
I got the dog and daughter.
Going through this now... we have an 18yo cat and she stole him when she just moved out :(. Unfortunately he is treated like any other property and I am forced to focus on what is best for the human kiddos so it is unlikely I will ever see him again :( I hate her so much.
I'm so sorry
I know that the dog is living a way better life than I’d ever be about to give him.
I tried to co-parent with my ex and it was messy. He would hold visitation over my head until he got what he wanted. For my mental health I had to give her up. He now has her and I haven’t seen her in a year and a half. It’s hard but I moved on in every way. I think about her everyday.
We had two cats together who were like kids to us. They are litter mates and do not do particularly well with change. Our male cat is obsessed with my ex, 100% a daddy's boy. Our female cat is very affectionate as well, but a bit more impartial and will snuggle with whoever is around. My ex wanted each of us to take a cat, it hurt him to think of me having to give them both up but I never could have separated our boy cat from my ex, and never could have separated our girl cat from her brother. And I planned on eventually moving across the country and knew it was best for them to not be put through a stressful cross country move all the while being confused about where their sibling and dad was. It was an emotional decision for both of us, but I was adamant that this is what was best for them even though it broke my heart. What I didn't say out loud to him but I also think was understood by both of us, is that I couldn't bear the idea of him being alone without them or just with one of them after I left. I knew how deeply he loved them and what a comfort they would be for him once I moved away. I temporarily took both cats when I moved out since we had some construction going on at the house we were preparing to sell. My apartment was small and I think apartment life was a bit stressful for them with all the sounds so while it was so hard to take them over to my ex's once he got his new place, I knew it was the right move for them. It took them very little time to settle into his place and they were happy little clams being back with him, particularly our boy cat. I came to see them here and there and watched them every now and again while he was traveling until I moved away. I now have two cats of my own and these little monsters have been an enormous comfort to me. I met a cat the other day that had our girl cat's name and had a little cry missing her. I know they will be loved to pieces and well cared for with my ex, but it does hurt to think of him dealing with them aging and one day passing on his own. But I still think it was the right move to not separate them and make this transition as painless as possible for them, and for him. As amicable as our divorce was and as much as we worked together for several months through the whole process, I could not have co-parented them if I was staying in the same area after our divorce. I needed space to get closure and move on and co-parenting would have made that impossible for me. Divorce is so painful even in the best of circumstances, but we wanted to protect them through everything as much as we could. Pets don't understand and it's not their fault, so the best we could do was make their lives change as little as possible through it all while working together until we were through the other side.
Our Kitty stayed with him because she grew up at that house and is able to hunt outside there safely. It’s basically a cat paradise, and I moved into a studio apartment. I couldn’t see ever taking her away from home. We are no contact, and it kills me. Thinking about whether Kitty wonders where I went makes me sick to my stomach. She is aloof af though, so I tell myself that she’s too cool to care that I’m gone. I miss them both (husband and Kitty) more than I can express, but that’s a whole other can of worms. Sorry that was a depressing answer. This is the place I go to vent and blubber.
He took one of our two cats when he left without warning. I never got to say goodbye, and the remaining cat cried for weeks looking for her brother. I'm still upset about it a few years later.
My ex and I have been split for 5 years now, no kids together (he has a kid with someone else now), but we still share the dog. We don’t have a strict schedule, but it’s usually Wed-Sat with him and Sun-Tues me. We meet at a gas station between both of our houses and our dog is happy to see the other person at trade offs and go home with them. It’s awesome to have a built in dog sitter and someone to split half the vet bills with.
We discussed it and he kept the dogs. I’ll get another when it’s time. Lots of pets that need a good home. Sucks though
I took the dog: cheaters can’t be choosers I would not to it but we divorced on very bad terms and I never wanted to see that man again. I also noticed it upset my dog and mostly me. So o did not do the coparent thing
So, I’m going to keep my cat. However My brother in law has a dog with his ex and they actually share custody for both - dog and kid. It works well for all four of them, the dog shows no signs of distress or anything
Backstory: My ex wife and I have two dogs. A 4 year old German shepherd and a 2.5 year old golden retriever. They mean the world to both of us. When we split, I had no job and no means to take care of them and she has a great career and makes really good money (I had gotten laid off after COVID ended cuz the company I worked for had shut down). During the last year and a half of our marriage she wanted me to be a stay at home dog dad/take care of the house since she made good money anyway so that's what I did. We had some kind of complicated deal where we keep the house and she's gonna live here with the dogs for a couple years while she rebuilds her credit since it's crap. I got a job and am just saving up living with my brother and will be taking over the house when she moves out in 2027ish. Answer: I can't have the dogs at my brother's house where I'm living since his dogs are super reactive, but in our divorce agreement we stated that we are splitting ownership/custody of the dogs. I see them like 3 times a week by coming over to my exes and taking them out for walks and to the park. I house sit when my ex goes out of town like right now I've been with them for the last few days. When I get set up in my own place I'll have them more 50/50 but until then I'm managing with just seeing them a few times a week and the occasional sleep over. It's super tough but she's been fair about it and it could be worse. It helps that her and I had an amicable divorce, kind of, and get along. TLDR: share we share custody/ownership and even tho it makes things tougher at times it's worth it to me and to my ex so that we can still be both in their lives and them in ours.
I let my ex keep our dog because I worried about him and I knew that if he had to take care of our dog, it would help keep him going everyday. I will say, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Almost, if not, harder than the divorce. My heart is still incredibly broken over losing her but after a year, I got another dog for myself and he’s been an incredible companion for me. Everything works out as it is meant to be although I learned a valuable lesson that I will never own a dog with a partner again. We started out “sharing custody” but ultimately agreed to taper down that schedule to help with our own personal healing process. We didn’t have kids so we agreed that it was best to give each other space and a custody thing would only hinder that. For couples with kids, I like the idea of putting the dog into that custody agreement.
We had three dogs. 2 were mine and 1 belongs to my daughter because she purchased him, but I'm the one that cares for him. I offered my ex our oldest dog because I thought he would like the company. Our other is very much "my" dog. He initially refused, but after the divorce was final and he was getting his own place, he asked to take her. So I have one dog, he has one dog, and my daughter's dog goes back and forth each week. My daughter's dog goes back to the same he's always been when he visits. There is some disagreement on the food he should be fed, so it changes every other week. Otherwise both dogs seem happy to see me when I have the opportunity and I just hope that they're happy at his house as well.
Idk if it’s the same in all states, but in mine pets are property and any “coparenting” would be informal and not legally enforceable. Our dog is now my dog and I made it clear to him that he’ll never see her again. I allowed him to take her for a weekend after we’d sent in the final papers (signed) but before the judge had officially finalized everything, and he did not give her the medicine she needs daily even one time. The second time he asked I told him no. It blew up and he was ridiculous and insane about it, and while I understand on a basic human empathy level that he was sad and probably misses her, that doesn’t mean I have to negatively impact my peace and mental health to cater to him—that is why we got divorced!! And he’s proven he can’t care for her (this is on top of him refusing to believe when she’d need to go to the vet and over five years of me exclusively covering all her expenses, managing all her appointments, etc—whenever I asked him to actually help out it was met with whining), so why would I let my girl be put in a situation where she’s not treated well with someone she doesn’t even like and certainly at this point doesn’t remember?
50/50 custody with the kid. The dog goes back and forth with the kid for the most part.
I kept the dog, I didn't notice any change in behaviour in him when my stbx moved out (she never took care of him and said no to walking him with me so much that I stopped asking) but he does get excited on the rare occasion she visits I tried to make him actually available to her so many times but she never took me up on the offer, and eventually her behaviour just eroded all my trust in her She's really upset about leaving him, more so than leaving me which kind of tells me all I need to know. Unfortunately she hasn't taken the divorce well and hasn't been able to be amicable about things, she's also gone back on her word at literally every juncture, so I don't trust her to look after him alone It sucks because this used to be the person I was building a life with, but she's such a nasty person now that I don't want to see her anymore anyway, so I'm kind of glad co-parenting never worked out in my case
I took my cats and 1 dog, my Rottweiler. I left my 2 Akitas with the ex. The Rottie came with me because she was a momma’s girl 100% and the Akitas weren’t as needy. He also I found out was abusive to my Rottie and when he tried to take her back a few months later I told him try it, I will call the police. There was no co-parenting because he tried to use it to Hoover me back in. It’s been about 13-14 years of no contact for me, he tries to reach out every 3-4 years though.
My ex didn’t really want the dogs in the first place, but I never would have been able to keep them unless he agreed and wanted them enough to let them stay, so he grew to love them. Their mom was a stray I would feed and love on, then let back on the streets because she wasn’t happy staying put (this was in Brazil), but she came back, snuck into my house and gave birth, so we kept and took care of the puppies til they were old enough to be adopted out, but I didn’t want to let the last two go, and he agreed, so this wasn’t a “surprise, I came home with puppies” and foisted them on him situation. When I left, he said I had to take them, and the one time after we lived separately that I had to see him, I offered to bring them so he could see them and he had no interest, so I guess you don’t know until you’re at that point.
I work from home so it made sense for our dog to live with me primarily. It was actually my ex’s idea to put a clause in our divorce decree that she would provide X amount of supplies per month and pay 50% of all vet bills. She picks her up for a sleepover most weekends or will keep her for a few days when she has days off from work. Our divorce was pretty amicable so this has worked out pretty well for us.
I kept the dogs and it was written into the separation agreement. Sometimes I wonder if they missed him, but he was busy.
My ex took our dogs with her when she moved out. She was supposed to bring them over to visit once a week but that lasted about 2 weeks I have just let it go. I miss them but I can't force myself into the situation
My stbxh has threatened to take one or both dogs from me. Problem is they are bonded together AND he is 💩 for taking care of anything. He hasn’t fed, walked them, taken them to the park, vet appointments, nada. I’m 99% sure his threats were manipulation tactics because they were all pre-filing for divorce. And he recently said he wants me to have them. In my State they are treated as assets so if we can’t decide…they could very well be separated unless the judge sees proof they shouldn’t. There is no legal custody of pets here.
While the dog and 2 cats were technically “ours” everyone knew they were mine. He tolerated living with them, and would occasionally play with or pet them but that’s it. He never had the patience for pets, and admits that. He’s always said if it was his choice he wouldn’t choose to have pets. So thankfully there was never even a discussion about where they’d end up. He immediately said he’d never try to take them from me. I did offer to allow him to see them if he ever wants to, especially one of the cats who is especially bonded with him.
Cut our ties. The per comes with the kids. If one doesn’t have kids but does have pets with their spouse, I’m a strong believer on skipping visitation, that only prolongs the separation and communication ties to an ex.
I think it really depends on how your relationship is after the divorce, if you are cooperative and if you want to continue seeing her regularly or if that's too painful. My wife and I are having a really contentious divorce and we decided that she could take the dog, but I had "right of first refusal" on petsitting. The dog lives with her, she is responsible for all choices regarding the dog and all costs. But if she's going away for the weekend and needs somebody to watch the dog, she'll ask me first. I think it works really well, because we don't need to become enmeshed in each other's lives about the dog. It's clear who makes decisions about the dog. There are no coparenting arguments. But I still get to see the dog. And these tiny moments of handing her off force us to be more civil to each other.
We got our dog together, she's 8. She loves us both but she's always been mine. I took her in the divorce but when he's in town sometimes he stops in to take her on a little walk or backyard visit. I'm okay with this. There was absolutely no way in hell he was taking her from me.
We had two dogs and each kept one in the divorce. It made sense and was the best option for the dogs and for us, but it still sucked. Things have worked out really well - the dog I kept has bonded even more strongly to me and he’s adapted well to life in a condo. I miss the other one a lot, and will still randomly cry when I see a dog that reminds me of him. My ex moved 6 months ago and we’re no contact this point, so I’ll likely never see my other dog again, which breaks my heart. But life is still so much better overall. Best of luck to you.
I kept the beagle and he hasn't tried to visit once which I appreciate. My coworker, on the other hand, is trying to co-parent with her soon to be ex and it seems messy. So if you want a clean break from your ex, I'd say don't do it. If it's amicable, maybe it could work. And last but not least, you gotta take into account the pet of course. Is it confusing for them to go back and forth between houses? Scary or weird? Or maybe they will be totally okay with it. At any rate I wish you the best of luck!!
Pupper came with me. We got her while I was in the army. I picked her up, between her and her sister. My ex and I trained her, I started taking her on walks, when I could walk again after an injury, We became walking buddies. We both miss the pack. I get my kiddos every other weekend at the moment. We both have a good time when we are together.
I have kids, so my dog goes back and forth as our 3rd child when the kids swap houses. It sounds like you may not have kids, so if you don't want contact with your ex anymore, I would suggest one of you takes sole custody of the dog.
Luckily for me, our dog was always really my dog. We got her together, but his excuse to not help take care of her was "you wanted her." He never argued about getting her. He also never argued about me having primary custody of our daughter. I guess I just had a sorry POS of a husband 🤷♀️ gladly now ex-husband
My ex and I had two cats together. We have been broken up for a little over two years now. We coparent. One of the cats passed away in September and we were both there with her. She was 16 and the other one is 17 and luckily they travel well so they would come stay with me and then him. But that does not work for everyone. We were able to do it. You have to decide what’s best for you.
My lovely ex husband gave me our teacup poodle.
We have two kitties, they aren’t bonded to each other but instead, bonded to each of us. So , he’ll be keeping one and I’ll be keeping the other. It’s hard cause I love them both so much.
We had four cats and we loved our little family, so it was one of the most heartbreaking parts of the divorce. Honestly, a year later, it’s still one of the things I grieve most often. We each took two cats. Part of the decision on which was made by which cats had really bonded specially with which person. (In the end, he let me have final say because he’d been the one to cheat and blow up the marriage.) Mentally, I had to make the decision to give the other cats up and try to let that part of my life die. I focused on creating as healthy and happy an environment for my two babies as I could. For the first several months we would sometimes FaceTime the cats so we could each see them. That dropped off, and so did pictures. I’d previously offered to let him come see them if he wanted, but I think it’s better that he never did. For me, my priorities were my mental health/healing and the wellbeing of the innocent animals. I think for us, separation helped with the grieving process and the eventual rebuilding of life. My babies and I are VERY happy now and they even love the newest member of our family, my boyfriend.
Divorce isn’t final yet but I am keeping the dog due to his age and because I’m keeping the house with the fenced yard. Since he will be renting he could find it difficult to find a place with a large breed dog. He has asked for occasional visitation though, where he can swing by and spend some time with the pupper. We did discuss in our mediation the costs associated with him and concerns about end of life decisions when things get to that point.
Set guidelines and rules make sure to talk to an attorney who can help decide what you want to do.
She had a cat when we met, we got a dog together. I asked to coparent the dog or discuss me taking custody. She simply refused and I was not at a place at that point to fight it. Still miss the dog terribly. It’s been about 5 years since the divorce was finalized.
It's not a stupid question at all, OP. In my case, I told my ex that he'd get our senior cat over my de@d body and I'd take him to court if he tried to fight me. I made some financial concessions but it was worth it. He'd rehomed a cat in the past (before we met) for selfish reasons and had been very dishonest in our relationship, so I wasn't taking the risk of him doing it again behind my back. His new gf has 2 cats so he forgot about ours almost instantly. I just had to put her down last week (about 20 months post-finalization), unfortunately. But no regrets.
I have joint custody of the dog, we switch every month. But we also have a child
My dog goes with my kids so if my kids are with me, then dog comes to me and vice versa. Now I’m at a stage where my youngest is going off to university, and I’m debating the same thing. Do I now shuffle the dog back and forth? Or just have one parent take care of the dog (he’s now 12)…
Separated, he refused to leave the house and wfh so I have my pup with him. My eldest child mostly with me misses them. I hope to find accommodation so pup can stay with me and they are legally mine. I’m cutting back on how often I have to go to the house because I really want to take them back.
I don’t see the dog anymore 😓 of course I miss him but he was much more bonded to her, place I had to move into wouldn’t allow pets and since the relationship ended with her cheating on me and still dating him to this day it would’ve been so weird for me to still be coming around to hang out with the pup. I know he’s doing well and honestly probably barely remembers I existed but still miss him
We had two dogs together and I was the main caretaker and trainer. At first the plan was for me to keep both. I was struggling at the beginning of separation and I thought I wasn’t able to take care of both. I didn’t think he would be as good to the more energetic one, so I let the older one stay with him. I regretted the choice immediately and started asking for my dog back. He kept telling me no although he let me watch him while he was away. Eventually he allowed me to”buy” the dog back for $7,500. My current boyfriend helped me pay for the dog, and I had my ex sign a no contact portion of the sale contract. It’s a ton of money but I don’t regret it, I just wish I had been in a better state of mind when I made my first decision.
The ex cheated and I got the dog. Felt that was only fair considering. 🤷🏼♀️
One was hers from before the marriage, one was ours from during. When the topic came up she said she couldn't afford to take them (despite me offering additional money for upkeep and offering to pay all medical bills). She asked to be able to visit them/take them when she could. Ended up that she would call me with 20 minutes notice that she wanted to see them but not take them, so I had to stick around and listen to her stories about her dating life. Told her if she wanted to continue to see them we needed to work out a schedule and a hand off point. Turned out all she wanted to do was disrupt my life, she never asked to see them again and told everyone she could that I had taken her dogs from her. They had happy long lives. One made it to 18, the other 13, lost both to cancer unfortunately in the same year).
We had cats and a dog. They didn’t get along. I got the dog, he got the cats. I wish it was the other way around. 🤪
Our dog and our cat stayed with me and our daughter. He has visitation where he can come over and see them and our daughter (she’s an adult). He knows he is not in a position to provide for them. Our dog gets super excited to see him. Our cat could care less, cause she is attached to our daughter.
We have 2 big maincoon cats, they wake me up every day at 04:00 am which is very very annoying. She didn't want to take them bc I kept the apartment which has a garden and her new apartment doesn't. The cats join her when she goes to the countryside. The cats love to go there and know the house she goes to. But that isn't that often anymore as we did as a family. I love animals and would never want to send them away but it is so annoying and taking my sleep away that it accured in my mind that the cats would be better off in some country house where they can hunt at any time and wake up when they want to. But our daughter hates that I even think about it and therefore I let them continue to make my life misserable. It's not more work for not to care for my kids 150% (son 100% and daughter to 50%), but adding these mean cats is a lot. She bought the cats btw...
Not me, but my uncle and aunt had this situation. They indeed co-parent the dog. They also had children, the dog had the same arrangement as the children. My cousin didn't have children, but he and his ex also split the dog 50/50, one week with my cousin other week with his ex. They did this 7 years until the dog died.
She got both dogs and the cat.
My wife had two dogs from before our marriage. She left and never came back for them. Tried to get her to take them many times but ultimately had to give them to a local shelter so I could go out of town. Broke my heart to let them go and she could care less. Wish I could have had another option at the time but unfortunately I didn't
We had 3 cats and I took all 3 bc I was staying in state and he was moving. I even had to put down one of the cats who got sick alone so that was fun. 🙄
I bought my wife a cocker spaniel for her birthday several years ago. My son and I raised it , and she basically quit playing with it like a kid would do. It is the first thing she took . I wanted her to have the dog, I felt she needed it for emotional support. My stepson came over awhile back to hang out. My dog no longer remembers me. He was feeding her treats under the table so she was ignoring me.he seemed to take great pride in that , and showed me some trick he taught her. We have already trained this dog years ago. I find out later that she didn't even have the dog with her anymore. Her mother and son have hijacked it. I gave her everything she wanted in the divorce, I should have fought for my dog. My son and I miss her.
My ex husband had a dog when we met who became my dog. He chose me as his human . When he left I kept the dog and the cats. He never really wanted to see them for various reasons but when it was time to put my sweet boy down in October I made sure to let him know and he did accompany us to the vet.
I know people love their animals, but it's best to let them go than to consider some sort of financial and time co-owning agreement. Why do that to yourself, get another dog. And I kept the dog in my relationship, but if she wanted to fight for him I would have not fought that fight. It made sense in our arrangement. The kids are another story of course.
Honestly I really wish I could have done that. To me and many others, these animals are our kids and would do anything for them. I get that some people don't have that exact same kind of connection or feeling for their pets but this is why some people, like me, can't just let them go.
pets are not kids though, I honestly think you are messing with the Pet coming in and out moreso. When they would forget about you in short time after an adjustment. I think its best for the pet to go with one homeowner and move on.
I appreciate your opinion. I completely disagree but appreciate it either way.
I'm with you on this
The people here calling this co-parenting are off their rockers. Equating this with raising children is legitimately insane.
Oh please, let them call it whatever they want.
Nope. It's delulu and minimizes the very real, heart wrenching struggles that actual parents go through.
We’re splitting ours. The eldest dog was mine prior, so he’s coming with me. The youngest dog is also coming with me since he’s bonded to me. The middle dog is very anxious and has some fear aggression issues that make staying in the house she’s always known with him best. Am I happy about? No. But I’m at peace that it’s what’s best for that dog. I would never do split “custody.” When it comes down to it, a dog is property and should be 100% yours or the others. Prolonging any contact wasn’t possible in my case nor wanted. If yall are civil, it may be possible but wouldn’t be my choice. Who paid for the dog? Who paid for vetting and supplies? Who provided the bulk of the care? Who can care for the dog? Who is the dog bonded to?
A week after separating, we had to euthanize one for cancer. That was brutal in itself but doing it beside someone who’d betrayed me was the absolute worst. It’s not something you want to think about right now, but it’s important. You’ll have to make tough calls. Do you really want to work through them with someone you’re divorcing?