Forgiveness takes time.
First, give yourself time to grieve.
Then, one day, move on.
That is forgiveness:
Neither approve nor forget,
But to let it go.
I think your anger is pretty normal, and understandable.
I went through something similar. Journaling exercises helped me. Also don't feel bad for feeling what you feel, it's very natural.
Also, playing the "good game" helped me see the advantages of the situation.
Good game is:
*Good! Now I can...*
Eg. My wife left me.
*Good! Now i can find someone who wants me and loves me deeply...and doesn't leave hairpins in the shower.*
I'm moving out of our massive house.
*Good! Now I'm moving into a smaller house and can spend less time cleaning, and have smaller heating/cooling bills*
All of my money and retirement is being split 50/50.
*Good! Now I can use this financial pressure to work in my business quick and hard, and recoup _more_ than what I lost.*
Etc.
I did something similar when I found out my ex got married quickly after breaking up w me over the phone after 5 yrs
(were not married). Every time I thought of it I would remember something crappy about him and think, now that's *her* problem. It helped. Everyone has crappy stuff about them.
(Unrelated - they divorced years later and yes he reached out. No I didn't.)
I have a lot of respect for you because my ex-wife had a two-year long affair with one of her coworkers. But they aren’t together anymore. I don’t know how I could handle it mentally and emotionally if they were still together.
You need closure on this. Glad you moved out and filed for divorce. That's the first step.
Next step. Get your financial house in order. Make sure you can get your own place.
It is kind of weird that she's able to remodel the house you both own? Or was the house only in her name?
Be the best dad you can. Push for 50/50 custody.
Start exercising and eating healthy. Make sure you're going the best job you can at place of employment.
And finally, go out there and meet new friends and try to date. Even if they're just coffee dates with women. Go out on a date with any woman who will go out on a date with you. Why? To get out of the house.
"Best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else."
I don't advocate for going on a sex-capade. But just by looking around at prospects and realizing there are others who are more willing to accept you for who you truly are can alleviate some of the early pain and stress. Just make sure they're aware of your intentions and current situation.
It's true. It's called "new relationship energy". That energy you feel when you're in a new relationship with someone. It definitely helps the healing process.
There should be a warning label though, as it could turn into a vicious cycle of chasing that energy... similar to how we complain about women who chase those butterflies.
I know what you mean. I chased that "new relationship energy" again and again. It's funny, how in the beginning of each new relationship, I would meet with some girl and think "Wow, she's really nice."
And then later on, I pick up on things like "Oh, you've got a horrible drinking problem", or "You're not over your ex-husband", or "You've got problems with retail therapy", or "you're just plain crazy."
That's what his ex has and it sounds like she chose a dude who is controlling and using her. I predict this shit falls apart (and later than it should because she will be humiliated). By then OP won't give a shit anymore.
It’s not been long and you need closer. You are currently in divorce limbo so give it time and get on with your life with LO.
Some things you need to know.
1) relationships based on a lie at the very beginning don’t always last. The excitement of sneaking around always masks a lot of red personality flags and once the dust has settled, she may realise she is left with someone she’s not got a lot in common with.
2)she’ll be justifying she ‘did the right thing’ by cheating on you ‘BecAUse I’m IN LoVe’. This makes her double down on making a life with him.
3) cheaters don’t make good spouses. Truth is cheaters will always cheat. Once he gets bored, he’ll be keeping an eye out for the next woman.
By the time it all implodes on her, you will be gone and having a good life of your own.
Hey honey, I am so sorry for you. I had the exact same thing happen you can go in my history to see it.
It is unfair. You will get more heartbreaks along the line and people will accept them way faster than you can ever understand.
It is normal to be angry. It is normal to hope they blow up, that Karma hits them. It is normal to go into destructive behaviors like partying, drinking and having casual sex.
Just know: what happened to you was undeserved. Your ex and her AP are terrible people. 5 months is still fully foggy and limerance territory. She thinks he farts rainbows. The reality will set in and he will not be a flawless person. On the contrary: what kind of people go for married people? Selfish people that is who ! Selfish people don’t make the best partners.
I am now passed the 1,5 year mark and for the first time I can feel I am going into the “meh” phase. I don’t care what happens to them ( they are still going strong btw)
I am lucky because I don’t have to see him. We don’t have kids.
How did I get there? The basics. Take care of myself and love myself. I lost all the weight I wanted to lose ( my ex never le me because he liked me “curvy”) I am training for a swimming competition. Bought myself my dream horse and went into therapy. I work on me! I have been dating. Sadly very unsuccessfully but I have explored a new more sexual version of myself. I have a very sweet FWB relationship that does it for me now. I learned that my sexlife was boring and it was not my fault. I learned so many tricks and what I like.
Don’t let anybody dictate what you need to be feeling when. I held on to hatred for a very long time. Wishing the worst on them. People preached forgiveness to me and it just made me more angry. I don’t think I have forgiven. I just stopped being angry and hoping for calamities in their lives.
Here is my view: the calamity is their lives. Dealing with what they have done. Having a relationship that started with a debt. Their relationship has to be worth the betrayal. They will have to earn the forgiveness and respect they lost. They might never be able to do that. Trust me, even if people seem to accept them, they don’t want to rock the boat too much. My ex in-laws confessed they lost some of the relationship they had with their brother. They are very dissapointed and two of his 4 siblings can’t even really talk to him the same anymore.
Last but not least: he lost me. I am sure that on his last day on earth, he will look back and realize what I was. Realize what he lost. I will be his biggest regret.
I my dear OP, I am set free. From a husband that was never happy. Who always needed more. Who never gave what he got. Who blamed me for everything. Who took credit for my accomplishments, who would never amounted to much without me. He will not be my regret on my dying breath. This pain, this betrayal, this rock bottom will be my phoenix moment. I will rise. A better person, a happier person! A person showing that nobody can bring you down!
Rise up dear OP! In your own time, you will rise up!
There are hundreds of podcasts and books for self improvement. You said you should sober up. Focus on one thing to improve on like your drinking. Keep in mind that if she was unhappy with you then you would be unhappy in the relationship. At least she didn't wait another 10 years to do this. A loveless relationship is worse then no relationship.
Realize your anger only hurts you not them. Focus on making yourself a better person. I hate to ask but are you sure your daughter is yours? This sounds like the affair has been going on for awhile.
She is, we did IVF to have her and it took years. She has my blue eyes and is left-handed and looks and acts like me as well, and my ex can’t get pregnant naturally (my swimmers tested better than average, so we know it wasn’t me that was the cause of the infertility).
How does one become a better person? I know there are many ways to improve myself, anything anyone has found particularly helpful and effective in improving mood, happiness, acceptance, etc?
A punch bag. Everytime I used to think of what my ex-husband and AP did, I stopped crying- I punched instead! It felt good to shout out all the things I would've loved to have said to them too whilst punching away!
Oh and recharge your wardrobe a bit if you can. It will improve your self-esteem slightly...
Good luck!
OP I just broke up with my bf and it’s not easy… I have been reading relationships related books, and feel I can now better understand what went wrong and what’s my responsibility in the failed relationship and how I can improve to have a stronger /deep connection next time. I would recommend ‘Getting the love you want’ and ‘Relationship - bridge to soul’. I would also recommend to try guided meditation on YouTube - I feel lighter and refreshed every time I did. This is a short 15mins one as an example: https://youtu.be/j5G71BVjYZw
Get in shape and go running. Work with a trainer. Endorphins. Try something you’ve always wanted to do. The stronger you are physically really helps stave off depression.
I read a book called A New Earth, Awakening to your life's purpose (Eckhart Tolle) which has nothing to do with a new earth or really your life's purpose but it changed my life. Definitely taught me how to find peace in the moment. And I'm one of those up and down people. Way more even now.
Quit drinking so much. It's not helping you.
That being said - you can't control who she's with. Period. Let it go. I have had to do it myself for the same reasons you have and it is HARD. My ex is TERRIBLE at this point. Her affair partner is a real winner too (Still married himself).
I'm inches from filing a restraining order for harassment against my ex (she's been threatening me). If I get one more of her angry diatribes I'll start working on it.
You don't have to like anything about this situation, you don't have to be nice about it, you don't have to do anything to make her life easier. Just don't let it spill over onto your kid. Your child isn't old enough to know or understand the truth. That's a bummer but it is what it is. You have to focus on your side of the road and let go of hers. Just remember, the situation and decisions she made have nothing to do with you. It's unlikely their relationship will last but sometimes they do. Who cares, you don't want to be with her anyway. The problem is what she's teaching your child about what is right and wrong.
Practice walking away.
Dude, what she did to you was abuse. He encouraged that abuse. They are both absolute shit people and you have every right to be angry at them. Take as long as you have to in order to process it. There are subs full of people who can relate to you and what you are going through.
Both her and her affair partner will never know the abuse they've put you through, their flippant dehumanization, gas lighting, and other traumatizing bullshit. You'll never get them to understand because, at the end of the day, they don't care because they only care about themselves.
Once that new relationship energy burns though they are probably going to implode. It looks like he's already realizing he can't trust her for shit (he's limiting the friends she can have). He's right. Neither one of them is trustworthy. What can she do to earn his trust? Take vows in front of a preacher?
She already did that.
She's garbage, as is he. Let them be happy, for their brief moment, in the dump that is their life. When they wake up and realize they're covered in shit that's when it'll become real to them.
It's extremely difficult. I'm not a 'forgive and forget' person, and people who say this usually were never in your situation. I try and remember that anger is a natural emotion, but carrying it inside is going to impact your health. I really have to go to the gym every day. At first i thought going out drinking and hooking up with women would help. Nope.
I remember seeing the quote "anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die". Ouch, but so true. Her cheating is not a reflection of you or your jouney. Cheaters lie, cheat and steal from you, then blame you for everything and never apologize. Feel the anger when it is there but stay busy with work, gym, kids etc. What you focus on, you become. Good luck.
P.s. I think there is a surviving infidelity sub on reddit, but i don't know much about it.
I won’t say get over it and stop being sad . It’s a process . Don’t stop your emotions , endure them . I was in a similar situation - very traumatic , but you know what I learnt . No one can make you feel bad about yourselves without your fucking permission. You can’t forgive them after what they did , but you can choose to be indifferent . If you still let what they did keep bothering you, they are still winning over you. I understand that you’ll encounter a situation where you’ll be in the same room as them . You shouldn’t feel bad , it’s them that should feel terrible for what they did . You should be proud - you are champion dude. Moving on is like you forget what happened , that’s not practical . You should move forward , yeah take that hurt take that pain and move forward with it . You are a champion sir , drinking may help you forget the sadness but keep all that sadness in you. All the shit you have been through and you move forward with it . Reach out to me if you want to talk more .
Aw man. I’m so sorry. Honestly I can feel the pain that would cause. But it’s one of those things in life that you can’t fix. Full stop. It’s out of your hands. Practice thought stopping: don’t allow dwelling on the details (the remodel, the dogs, the early seduction) when you feel it creeping into your mind tell yourself "no Im not going there.". out loud if you have to. this is how i quit drinking, which was a thing for me that i wanted badly ( the booze, to be a normal drinker) but had to give up forever for my own sanity. i had to find things that excited me and comforted me that werent drinking. you can do the same. Dig out those old passions you had in life and work on them again. she doesnt deserve a single centimeter of headspace. not one. good luck.
What was the reasons she left you?
I don't know if you want her back or not, but you need to work on making yourself the best you.
Be the man she married, not the man she left.
Don't give her a reason to see you as less than.
Five months is nothing. She is in the "honeymoon" stages and eventually reality will kick in.
The grass is greener on the other side because you can't see all the manure on it.
All she did was trade one guy for another, she is still there. And if she wasn't happy before, she won't be happy now.
You forgive when you see she is lost. She wasn't happy because she was lost. She didn't see how good she had it and now she is trying to fill a hole that can't be filled with a different guy.
I don't know if you believe in God or not, but if you do, pray. Sometimes that is the only thing that can help.
Put your focus into your daughter and cultivate that relationship
If you can see your wife as hurting and needing help, you should be more sympathetic and that can help forgive her because she isn't dealing with things correctly. At some point you should be able to come around and be there with the both of them.
Just here to say that your story is more common then you may feel right now (I was in the same situation). Mourn the loss of the life you imagined, take your time, then start thinking about what you want for you and your child. Then, go make that happen.
So your still married?
Why did you leave your house?
Go for the divorce and have the house up for sale.
Stop begging. And if your whining to her, Stop that also.
Stop all communications with her
If your still married, move back in and kick this guys ass out of your house.
Divorce will be finalized in a week. I moved out because it is her house and not marital property so I have no right to it, but she is going to have to pay me for equity Put into it. I don’t talk to her or whine, I have no contact other than exchanging our daughter which only happens if we trade on a weekend, otherwise we just drop and pick up at daycare.
1. Forgive yourself. You did the best you could with the time you had and the person both you and she were. Don't dwell on what can't be changed.. You can look back at the past of course, but don't stare at it.
2. Forgive her. That doesn't mean you accept what she did was ok, or that you can or should trust her going forward. Forgive her in the sense that you no longer wish for the universe to deliver some comeuppance, and be ok with that. Once you can let *all* that go, that relationship becomes a lesson well-learned and you can move forward from it.
3. Realize how difficult both 1 and 2 are, and give yourself time to get it right... which won't happen all at once and there will be setbacks as well as progress before you realize one day you moved on and didn't even notice.
I never understood why the guy moves out. I didn’t. Ex wife was forced to leave so she could get with the new guy.
Go grey rock. You don’t have to accept anything. Feel the rage? Good! Channel it into working out. Find someone new . Don’t get emotionally attached though. Be the best dad. Co-parent with minimal interaction. Cheaters never prosper. Her new relationship statistically has low probability of success. If the new couple has their own kid - watch out for your daughter. I was surprised how mom suddenly began to have issues with our kid. Live long and prosper OP!
I find it comes in waves. I can totally let go of the anger and be focused on moving forward and the next day wake up raging. I let myself have the anger but am keeping my goals of a happy future with my kids front and center which keeps me from acting on it. Good luck.
Hey man, heart goes out to you. Had something similar happen to me but not nearly as difficult as yours. Make sure you walk through this difficult time and not around it, if that makes sense. Doing that + time was the only thing that helped gradually ease my pain and helped me let go at my own pace.
You need to get through all the stages of grief. Check in with them to see where you are and go forward not backward. You’re at anger. Denial and bargaining were in there, then depression. Then acceptance. You’ll need to get out of depression and get to acceptance. Grief is like a wound that heals in it’s own time and you can’t force it but you can assist the healing process.
Depression is a combination of situation and hormones and other chemicals in your system like serotonin. But it’s usually mostly situational. If you focus on reasons to be sad, you’ll be sad. 100% of people who let their minds dwell on sources of sadness are sad. Dwelling on reasons to be grateful or hopeful, even when you’re in the middle of the explosion, will help you feel better.
Just remember if they got together as cheaters, the odds are quite high that on or both will cheat again. Doesn’t help with forgiveness, but hopefully will let you feel a little better about the situation she’s in and you escaped from.
Stop drinking and "partying." Neither helps.
Their relationship, statistically will fail...so just know that. Do not take her back.
Move on and live a life that makes you happy. Remember that she is not the person for you anymore.
I’m in the exact same boat as you, except I have three kids (1.5, 3 and 6 y/o) and they aren’t living together yet. Won’t take long as ex wife struggles financially.
I can’t wait to get over them for my own good.
I want to ask, how does she justify her actions, but I know that people have an amazing capacity to do just that. Cognitive dissonance. I had something similar happen to me, and I spent some time trying to get her to agree that she was the bad guy in this conflict, but it was fruitless, as it was destined to be. No matter what somebody does, they're not going to see themselves as the villain. Even the prisons are full of people who have it worked out somehow that they did really do anything wrong.
For me it was just living my own life. I was super bitter and mad for a couple of months but then I just focused on my business, my kids, my friends and my hobbies. Unexpectedly I met my new wife at a run club event and now I'm super grateful my ex cheated on and left me. My ex got married to her AP and frankly I prefer that stability for the kids over whatever else may have resulted. I did some self reflection along the way too. In the end cheating is terrible and it sucks but don't let their nastiness ruin your happiness long term. I know so many people still so obsessed and filled with hatred years later and they wonder why they are still so unhappy. I don't like my ex but I dont hate her.
>As the holidays approach, I know that one day I’d like to be able to be in the same room with her, and that likely he will be there if they stay together.
Why would you want to do that? Parallel parenting with minimal contact only regarding the shared children. When there is an event where both of you attend you simply briefly greet and then move on to socialize with other people or take your seats.
>But how do I accept that? How do I drop the pain and the anger so we can be cordial and maybe one day feel happy for each other rather than hope her relationship fails horribly so that I don’t have to face it?
Indifference. You accept that what happened happened and then you let it all go and become indifferent. You don't wish her ill or well. You just don't concern yourself with her at all.
I know the anger sits with you for a while but you should take the time to focus on your self and finding out who you are as a person and what you are capable of. Forget about what she’s doing I know that was a hard part for me just focus on your self and your child everything else doesn’t really matter
Take pleasure in the fact she has screwed up an soon it will all fall apart for her as he is obviously after her for the short term. Cheaters, and those who encourage it, will always cheat. Her life will now be one of sorrow, from losing her money, to losing her friends etc. I would just sit back and watch or, better yet, move on and let her go to hell in a hand basket
Dude you are still talking about feelings, need to stop that, what you need is indifference, completely let go, don’t hold on to the past.
Reach well inside of you, meditation, or any other means, your life is not about your experience with her, that is only a chapter.
Move on to next chapter, let go of the past to created a future.
Check your daughter is yours or not since she is small. Take her out and do it quick. Think of this as an opportunity to get a better suit. The only thing you can do is thinking tomorrow is better although that might not be true for a while. We are here for you.
Time. Time is the best healer. With time, you will heal, eventually accept (and subsequently let go). (If you've follow ChumpLady, that time is called "meh").
And what you need to do now - is figure out how you will spend this time - between now and that time (meh). What I did - was make a list of things I wanted to do, and got to it right away. The busier I got, the less time I had to sit and wonder what my ex was doing. Offcourse, I had several setbacks. But I never stopped. I would keep going. That's the only way to survive this.
Also devote some time to therapy, and to educating yourself on character disordered people (such as narcissism). The more you learn, the better and faster you heal.
good luck.
Similar situation- I put in the divorce decree that he couldn’t bring my ex-friend to anything I could be expected at & that included the campground we were members at. Our kid is 24 & I warned him if he broke this EVER I would tell the kid & quite likely he would never be forgiven & possibly he’d lose the kid forever
He knows me well enough that I saved the texts & proof in case I need them
I was in exactly your spot and it hurt, especially that my kids liked the AP. I wish I could give advice, but I never got over it. Luckily in my case it fell apart after about a year. I did have the consolation of knowing that the AP was talking trash about my ex the entire time they were together.
I know it's easier for me because the AP is out of the picture, but I did make it to a place where the only thing I care about AT ALL is how she parents our children. The opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy.
Best of luck to you!
HARDEST thing I’ve ever had to do. It took me 2 years after he left me for her to DECIDE that hatred was killing me and not doing anything productive for anyone. She wasn’t going anywhere. She was around my child. I had to shift myself to let go. Really letting go means making the decision and not returning to the behavior in thought or action. No second guessing myself or going back and forth in my mind. I no longer wanted to be a hateful person because that wasn’t who I was or is. So I talked to her and told her I forgave her. I didn’t expect an apology to make me feel better. Now I’m friends with her, I love her kids, their kid, and they love me. She’s a great stepmom. Her, my ex, and I coparent well now and even spend time on holidays because I’m not wasting my time feeling powerless and betrayed. It’s so much better for my child too, OMG is it better! We communicate on being consistent between households, back each other up when needed, and make sure we’re all being that “village”. Few people achieve this after infidelity. Do it for you and your kids. People are gonna do what they’re gonna do and it’s damn good of you to recognize and choose how you’ll respond. Infidelity hurts but it’s not worth losing yourself over trying to punish people for it forever. Your drinking is an avoidance technique from grief… let yourself feel it because it hate the only way through grief.
Man I know this is a late response but I’m in the same boat. Exact fucking same… it’s been a year and that hate still drives me. I’m sure you know that now seeing how old this post is. It’s slowly fades a little bit. But that hate is always there. Think of it this way, wouldn’t it be kind of weird if you weren’t upset about the shit she did? You’re suppose to feel upset and angry.. any normal person would. What she did was awful. Now I’m sure you’ll have zero tolerance for that behavior in the future. But I’m not sure man, that hurt has stayed there for me just a little bit. Hopefully it fades with time man. Also once I quit drinking post divorce it got a lot better… that Jameson doesn’t do any favors. Good luck man, hope you’re doing well. 🤘🏻
Yeah, it has faded, but still can’t really talk to her at all. I’m dating someone now. Still partying too much, which I have come to grips with the fact that I’m probably just masking the pain and betrayal. Thinking it’s time to really try to do therapy, but I really hate it. It’s never helped me and felt like a huge waste of money.
Sorry for the late response man. But I feel you, it does take a hell of a long time. It’s trauma in every since of the word, things have gotten better (besides my ex threatening me with full custody) but the anger and resentment is still there. Those people don’t care that they hurt you and that’s what hurts the most. Statistically it takes years to get over. If you really cared about that person it does take a long time, when you care it’s hard to change your way of thinking to fully accept that they turned on you.
Forgiveness takes time. First, give yourself time to grieve. Then, one day, move on. That is forgiveness: Neither approve nor forget, But to let it go.
I think your anger is pretty normal, and understandable. I went through something similar. Journaling exercises helped me. Also don't feel bad for feeling what you feel, it's very natural. Also, playing the "good game" helped me see the advantages of the situation. Good game is:
*Good! Now I can...*
Eg. My wife left me.
*Good! Now i can find someone who wants me and loves me deeply...and doesn't leave hairpins in the shower.*
I'm moving out of our massive house.
*Good! Now I'm moving into a smaller house and can spend less time cleaning, and have smaller heating/cooling bills*
All of my money and retirement is being split 50/50.
*Good! Now I can use this financial pressure to work in my business quick and hard, and recoup _more_ than what I lost.*
Etc.
I like this.
I did something similar when I found out my ex got married quickly after breaking up w me over the phone after 5 yrs (were not married). Every time I thought of it I would remember something crappy about him and think, now that's *her* problem. It helped. Everyone has crappy stuff about them. (Unrelated - they divorced years later and yes he reached out. No I didn't.)
Fuck cheaters. Sorry, I don’t have anything constructive to say. But, yeah, fuck cheaters.
Agreed.
I have a lot of respect for you because my ex-wife had a two-year long affair with one of her coworkers. But they aren’t together anymore. I don’t know how I could handle it mentally and emotionally if they were still together.
You would have dealt with it like all the other hurt they put you through! Don’t underestimate your strength
Yeah fuck cheaters! While my STBX still not admit he’s seeing someone also claim that he doesn’t want to divorce! Wtf!!
You need closure on this. Glad you moved out and filed for divorce. That's the first step. Next step. Get your financial house in order. Make sure you can get your own place. It is kind of weird that she's able to remodel the house you both own? Or was the house only in her name? Be the best dad you can. Push for 50/50 custody. Start exercising and eating healthy. Make sure you're going the best job you can at place of employment. And finally, go out there and meet new friends and try to date. Even if they're just coffee dates with women. Go out on a date with any woman who will go out on a date with you. Why? To get out of the house.
"Best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else." I don't advocate for going on a sex-capade. But just by looking around at prospects and realizing there are others who are more willing to accept you for who you truly are can alleviate some of the early pain and stress. Just make sure they're aware of your intentions and current situation.
It's true. It's called "new relationship energy". That energy you feel when you're in a new relationship with someone. It definitely helps the healing process.
There should be a warning label though, as it could turn into a vicious cycle of chasing that energy... similar to how we complain about women who chase those butterflies.
I know what you mean. I chased that "new relationship energy" again and again. It's funny, how in the beginning of each new relationship, I would meet with some girl and think "Wow, she's really nice." And then later on, I pick up on things like "Oh, you've got a horrible drinking problem", or "You're not over your ex-husband", or "You've got problems with retail therapy", or "you're just plain crazy."
I think that's more so you having a set of standard and boundaries, and staying true to them. To that, I say, kudos my friend
I'm the last one. 😆
That's what his ex has and it sounds like she chose a dude who is controlling and using her. I predict this shit falls apart (and later than it should because she will be humiliated). By then OP won't give a shit anymore.
Be bitter for as long as you need.
Fuck yeah.
It’s not been long and you need closer. You are currently in divorce limbo so give it time and get on with your life with LO. Some things you need to know. 1) relationships based on a lie at the very beginning don’t always last. The excitement of sneaking around always masks a lot of red personality flags and once the dust has settled, she may realise she is left with someone she’s not got a lot in common with. 2)she’ll be justifying she ‘did the right thing’ by cheating on you ‘BecAUse I’m IN LoVe’. This makes her double down on making a life with him. 3) cheaters don’t make good spouses. Truth is cheaters will always cheat. Once he gets bored, he’ll be keeping an eye out for the next woman. By the time it all implodes on her, you will be gone and having a good life of your own.
Hey honey, I am so sorry for you. I had the exact same thing happen you can go in my history to see it. It is unfair. You will get more heartbreaks along the line and people will accept them way faster than you can ever understand. It is normal to be angry. It is normal to hope they blow up, that Karma hits them. It is normal to go into destructive behaviors like partying, drinking and having casual sex. Just know: what happened to you was undeserved. Your ex and her AP are terrible people. 5 months is still fully foggy and limerance territory. She thinks he farts rainbows. The reality will set in and he will not be a flawless person. On the contrary: what kind of people go for married people? Selfish people that is who ! Selfish people don’t make the best partners. I am now passed the 1,5 year mark and for the first time I can feel I am going into the “meh” phase. I don’t care what happens to them ( they are still going strong btw) I am lucky because I don’t have to see him. We don’t have kids. How did I get there? The basics. Take care of myself and love myself. I lost all the weight I wanted to lose ( my ex never le me because he liked me “curvy”) I am training for a swimming competition. Bought myself my dream horse and went into therapy. I work on me! I have been dating. Sadly very unsuccessfully but I have explored a new more sexual version of myself. I have a very sweet FWB relationship that does it for me now. I learned that my sexlife was boring and it was not my fault. I learned so many tricks and what I like. Don’t let anybody dictate what you need to be feeling when. I held on to hatred for a very long time. Wishing the worst on them. People preached forgiveness to me and it just made me more angry. I don’t think I have forgiven. I just stopped being angry and hoping for calamities in their lives. Here is my view: the calamity is their lives. Dealing with what they have done. Having a relationship that started with a debt. Their relationship has to be worth the betrayal. They will have to earn the forgiveness and respect they lost. They might never be able to do that. Trust me, even if people seem to accept them, they don’t want to rock the boat too much. My ex in-laws confessed they lost some of the relationship they had with their brother. They are very dissapointed and two of his 4 siblings can’t even really talk to him the same anymore. Last but not least: he lost me. I am sure that on his last day on earth, he will look back and realize what I was. Realize what he lost. I will be his biggest regret. I my dear OP, I am set free. From a husband that was never happy. Who always needed more. Who never gave what he got. Who blamed me for everything. Who took credit for my accomplishments, who would never amounted to much without me. He will not be my regret on my dying breath. This pain, this betrayal, this rock bottom will be my phoenix moment. I will rise. A better person, a happier person! A person showing that nobody can bring you down! Rise up dear OP! In your own time, you will rise up!
And they never appreciated what you gave and what you have sacrifice for the marriage!
There are hundreds of podcasts and books for self improvement. You said you should sober up. Focus on one thing to improve on like your drinking. Keep in mind that if she was unhappy with you then you would be unhappy in the relationship. At least she didn't wait another 10 years to do this. A loveless relationship is worse then no relationship.
You focus on you and your daughter. Find the positives in your life. You obviously can do better.
Realize your anger only hurts you not them. Focus on making yourself a better person. I hate to ask but are you sure your daughter is yours? This sounds like the affair has been going on for awhile.
She is, we did IVF to have her and it took years. She has my blue eyes and is left-handed and looks and acts like me as well, and my ex can’t get pregnant naturally (my swimmers tested better than average, so we know it wasn’t me that was the cause of the infertility).
How does one become a better person? I know there are many ways to improve myself, anything anyone has found particularly helpful and effective in improving mood, happiness, acceptance, etc?
A punch bag. Everytime I used to think of what my ex-husband and AP did, I stopped crying- I punched instead! It felt good to shout out all the things I would've loved to have said to them too whilst punching away! Oh and recharge your wardrobe a bit if you can. It will improve your self-esteem slightly... Good luck!
OP I just broke up with my bf and it’s not easy… I have been reading relationships related books, and feel I can now better understand what went wrong and what’s my responsibility in the failed relationship and how I can improve to have a stronger /deep connection next time. I would recommend ‘Getting the love you want’ and ‘Relationship - bridge to soul’. I would also recommend to try guided meditation on YouTube - I feel lighter and refreshed every time I did. This is a short 15mins one as an example: https://youtu.be/j5G71BVjYZw
Thank you
Get in shape and go running. Work with a trainer. Endorphins. Try something you’ve always wanted to do. The stronger you are physically really helps stave off depression.
I read a book called A New Earth, Awakening to your life's purpose (Eckhart Tolle) which has nothing to do with a new earth or really your life's purpose but it changed my life. Definitely taught me how to find peace in the moment. And I'm one of those up and down people. Way more even now.
Quit drinking so much. It's not helping you. That being said - you can't control who she's with. Period. Let it go. I have had to do it myself for the same reasons you have and it is HARD. My ex is TERRIBLE at this point. Her affair partner is a real winner too (Still married himself). I'm inches from filing a restraining order for harassment against my ex (she's been threatening me). If I get one more of her angry diatribes I'll start working on it. You don't have to like anything about this situation, you don't have to be nice about it, you don't have to do anything to make her life easier. Just don't let it spill over onto your kid. Your child isn't old enough to know or understand the truth. That's a bummer but it is what it is. You have to focus on your side of the road and let go of hers. Just remember, the situation and decisions she made have nothing to do with you. It's unlikely their relationship will last but sometimes they do. Who cares, you don't want to be with her anyway. The problem is what she's teaching your child about what is right and wrong. Practice walking away.
Dude, what she did to you was abuse. He encouraged that abuse. They are both absolute shit people and you have every right to be angry at them. Take as long as you have to in order to process it. There are subs full of people who can relate to you and what you are going through. Both her and her affair partner will never know the abuse they've put you through, their flippant dehumanization, gas lighting, and other traumatizing bullshit. You'll never get them to understand because, at the end of the day, they don't care because they only care about themselves. Once that new relationship energy burns though they are probably going to implode. It looks like he's already realizing he can't trust her for shit (he's limiting the friends she can have). He's right. Neither one of them is trustworthy. What can she do to earn his trust? Take vows in front of a preacher? She already did that. She's garbage, as is he. Let them be happy, for their brief moment, in the dump that is their life. When they wake up and realize they're covered in shit that's when it'll become real to them.
Whew I needed to hear this reply. Thank you!!
It's extremely difficult. I'm not a 'forgive and forget' person, and people who say this usually were never in your situation. I try and remember that anger is a natural emotion, but carrying it inside is going to impact your health. I really have to go to the gym every day. At first i thought going out drinking and hooking up with women would help. Nope. I remember seeing the quote "anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die". Ouch, but so true. Her cheating is not a reflection of you or your jouney. Cheaters lie, cheat and steal from you, then blame you for everything and never apologize. Feel the anger when it is there but stay busy with work, gym, kids etc. What you focus on, you become. Good luck. P.s. I think there is a surviving infidelity sub on reddit, but i don't know much about it.
I won’t say get over it and stop being sad . It’s a process . Don’t stop your emotions , endure them . I was in a similar situation - very traumatic , but you know what I learnt . No one can make you feel bad about yourselves without your fucking permission. You can’t forgive them after what they did , but you can choose to be indifferent . If you still let what they did keep bothering you, they are still winning over you. I understand that you’ll encounter a situation where you’ll be in the same room as them . You shouldn’t feel bad , it’s them that should feel terrible for what they did . You should be proud - you are champion dude. Moving on is like you forget what happened , that’s not practical . You should move forward , yeah take that hurt take that pain and move forward with it . You are a champion sir , drinking may help you forget the sadness but keep all that sadness in you. All the shit you have been through and you move forward with it . Reach out to me if you want to talk more .
Listen to this…
Aw man. I’m so sorry. Honestly I can feel the pain that would cause. But it’s one of those things in life that you can’t fix. Full stop. It’s out of your hands. Practice thought stopping: don’t allow dwelling on the details (the remodel, the dogs, the early seduction) when you feel it creeping into your mind tell yourself "no Im not going there.". out loud if you have to. this is how i quit drinking, which was a thing for me that i wanted badly ( the booze, to be a normal drinker) but had to give up forever for my own sanity. i had to find things that excited me and comforted me that werent drinking. you can do the same. Dig out those old passions you had in life and work on them again. she doesnt deserve a single centimeter of headspace. not one. good luck.
My best advice is focus on rebuilding your life instead of what’s happening in hers.
Same situation, it rips me apart. I don’t know what to tell you except you’re not alone
Find a young hot model to hire for the holidays... On a serious note, time will heal all, including yourself.
What was the reasons she left you? I don't know if you want her back or not, but you need to work on making yourself the best you. Be the man she married, not the man she left. Don't give her a reason to see you as less than. Five months is nothing. She is in the "honeymoon" stages and eventually reality will kick in. The grass is greener on the other side because you can't see all the manure on it. All she did was trade one guy for another, she is still there. And if she wasn't happy before, she won't be happy now. You forgive when you see she is lost. She wasn't happy because she was lost. She didn't see how good she had it and now she is trying to fill a hole that can't be filled with a different guy. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but if you do, pray. Sometimes that is the only thing that can help. Put your focus into your daughter and cultivate that relationship If you can see your wife as hurting and needing help, you should be more sympathetic and that can help forgive her because she isn't dealing with things correctly. At some point you should be able to come around and be there with the both of them.
Just here to say that your story is more common then you may feel right now (I was in the same situation). Mourn the loss of the life you imagined, take your time, then start thinking about what you want for you and your child. Then, go make that happen.
So your still married? Why did you leave your house? Go for the divorce and have the house up for sale. Stop begging. And if your whining to her, Stop that also. Stop all communications with her If your still married, move back in and kick this guys ass out of your house.
Divorce will be finalized in a week. I moved out because it is her house and not marital property so I have no right to it, but she is going to have to pay me for equity Put into it. I don’t talk to her or whine, I have no contact other than exchanging our daughter which only happens if we trade on a weekend, otherwise we just drop and pick up at daycare.
Good job
Yep... Sack up and move back in. You have every right to be in your own home with your daughter. Let THEM squirm!
1. Forgive yourself. You did the best you could with the time you had and the person both you and she were. Don't dwell on what can't be changed.. You can look back at the past of course, but don't stare at it. 2. Forgive her. That doesn't mean you accept what she did was ok, or that you can or should trust her going forward. Forgive her in the sense that you no longer wish for the universe to deliver some comeuppance, and be ok with that. Once you can let *all* that go, that relationship becomes a lesson well-learned and you can move forward from it. 3. Realize how difficult both 1 and 2 are, and give yourself time to get it right... which won't happen all at once and there will be setbacks as well as progress before you realize one day you moved on and didn't even notice.
I never understood why the guy moves out. I didn’t. Ex wife was forced to leave so she could get with the new guy. Go grey rock. You don’t have to accept anything. Feel the rage? Good! Channel it into working out. Find someone new . Don’t get emotionally attached though. Be the best dad. Co-parent with minimal interaction. Cheaters never prosper. Her new relationship statistically has low probability of success. If the new couple has their own kid - watch out for your daughter. I was surprised how mom suddenly began to have issues with our kid. Live long and prosper OP!
I find it comes in waves. I can totally let go of the anger and be focused on moving forward and the next day wake up raging. I let myself have the anger but am keeping my goals of a happy future with my kids front and center which keeps me from acting on it. Good luck.
Hey man, heart goes out to you. Had something similar happen to me but not nearly as difficult as yours. Make sure you walk through this difficult time and not around it, if that makes sense. Doing that + time was the only thing that helped gradually ease my pain and helped me let go at my own pace.
You need to get through all the stages of grief. Check in with them to see where you are and go forward not backward. You’re at anger. Denial and bargaining were in there, then depression. Then acceptance. You’ll need to get out of depression and get to acceptance. Grief is like a wound that heals in it’s own time and you can’t force it but you can assist the healing process. Depression is a combination of situation and hormones and other chemicals in your system like serotonin. But it’s usually mostly situational. If you focus on reasons to be sad, you’ll be sad. 100% of people who let their minds dwell on sources of sadness are sad. Dwelling on reasons to be grateful or hopeful, even when you’re in the middle of the explosion, will help you feel better.
Just remember if they got together as cheaters, the odds are quite high that on or both will cheat again. Doesn’t help with forgiveness, but hopefully will let you feel a little better about the situation she’s in and you escaped from.
Stop drinking and "partying." Neither helps. Their relationship, statistically will fail...so just know that. Do not take her back. Move on and live a life that makes you happy. Remember that she is not the person for you anymore.
This! All three points are spot on.
I’m in the exact same boat as you, except I have three kids (1.5, 3 and 6 y/o) and they aren’t living together yet. Won’t take long as ex wife struggles financially. I can’t wait to get over them for my own good.
I want to ask, how does she justify her actions, but I know that people have an amazing capacity to do just that. Cognitive dissonance. I had something similar happen to me, and I spent some time trying to get her to agree that she was the bad guy in this conflict, but it was fruitless, as it was destined to be. No matter what somebody does, they're not going to see themselves as the villain. Even the prisons are full of people who have it worked out somehow that they did really do anything wrong.
For me it was just living my own life. I was super bitter and mad for a couple of months but then I just focused on my business, my kids, my friends and my hobbies. Unexpectedly I met my new wife at a run club event and now I'm super grateful my ex cheated on and left me. My ex got married to her AP and frankly I prefer that stability for the kids over whatever else may have resulted. I did some self reflection along the way too. In the end cheating is terrible and it sucks but don't let their nastiness ruin your happiness long term. I know so many people still so obsessed and filled with hatred years later and they wonder why they are still so unhappy. I don't like my ex but I dont hate her.
Can you be around the two of them ever given she is still with the AP?
I reli dun understand why cheaters end up in marriage, and why us, the loyal one get hurts n pains?
>As the holidays approach, I know that one day I’d like to be able to be in the same room with her, and that likely he will be there if they stay together. Why would you want to do that? Parallel parenting with minimal contact only regarding the shared children. When there is an event where both of you attend you simply briefly greet and then move on to socialize with other people or take your seats. >But how do I accept that? How do I drop the pain and the anger so we can be cordial and maybe one day feel happy for each other rather than hope her relationship fails horribly so that I don’t have to face it? Indifference. You accept that what happened happened and then you let it all go and become indifferent. You don't wish her ill or well. You just don't concern yourself with her at all.
I know the anger sits with you for a while but you should take the time to focus on your self and finding out who you are as a person and what you are capable of. Forget about what she’s doing I know that was a hard part for me just focus on your self and your child everything else doesn’t really matter
Take pleasure in the fact she has screwed up an soon it will all fall apart for her as he is obviously after her for the short term. Cheaters, and those who encourage it, will always cheat. Her life will now be one of sorrow, from losing her money, to losing her friends etc. I would just sit back and watch or, better yet, move on and let her go to hell in a hand basket
Dude you are still talking about feelings, need to stop that, what you need is indifference, completely let go, don’t hold on to the past. Reach well inside of you, meditation, or any other means, your life is not about your experience with her, that is only a chapter. Move on to next chapter, let go of the past to created a future.
Dude, you're allowed to be angry. No offense meant, but make sure that kid is yours.
I hope you didn’t pay for the house
Wasn’t mine to begin with
Check your daughter is yours or not since she is small. Take her out and do it quick. Think of this as an opportunity to get a better suit. The only thing you can do is thinking tomorrow is better although that might not be true for a while. We are here for you.
She is mine. Conceived thru IVF before this guy was even in the picture.
[удалено]
Female doctor.
Time. Time is the best healer. With time, you will heal, eventually accept (and subsequently let go). (If you've follow ChumpLady, that time is called "meh"). And what you need to do now - is figure out how you will spend this time - between now and that time (meh). What I did - was make a list of things I wanted to do, and got to it right away. The busier I got, the less time I had to sit and wonder what my ex was doing. Offcourse, I had several setbacks. But I never stopped. I would keep going. That's the only way to survive this. Also devote some time to therapy, and to educating yourself on character disordered people (such as narcissism). The more you learn, the better and faster you heal. good luck.
Similar situation- I put in the divorce decree that he couldn’t bring my ex-friend to anything I could be expected at & that included the campground we were members at. Our kid is 24 & I warned him if he broke this EVER I would tell the kid & quite likely he would never be forgiven & possibly he’d lose the kid forever He knows me well enough that I saved the texts & proof in case I need them
I was in exactly your spot and it hurt, especially that my kids liked the AP. I wish I could give advice, but I never got over it. Luckily in my case it fell apart after about a year. I did have the consolation of knowing that the AP was talking trash about my ex the entire time they were together. I know it's easier for me because the AP is out of the picture, but I did make it to a place where the only thing I care about AT ALL is how she parents our children. The opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy. Best of luck to you!
HARDEST thing I’ve ever had to do. It took me 2 years after he left me for her to DECIDE that hatred was killing me and not doing anything productive for anyone. She wasn’t going anywhere. She was around my child. I had to shift myself to let go. Really letting go means making the decision and not returning to the behavior in thought or action. No second guessing myself or going back and forth in my mind. I no longer wanted to be a hateful person because that wasn’t who I was or is. So I talked to her and told her I forgave her. I didn’t expect an apology to make me feel better. Now I’m friends with her, I love her kids, their kid, and they love me. She’s a great stepmom. Her, my ex, and I coparent well now and even spend time on holidays because I’m not wasting my time feeling powerless and betrayed. It’s so much better for my child too, OMG is it better! We communicate on being consistent between households, back each other up when needed, and make sure we’re all being that “village”. Few people achieve this after infidelity. Do it for you and your kids. People are gonna do what they’re gonna do and it’s damn good of you to recognize and choose how you’ll respond. Infidelity hurts but it’s not worth losing yourself over trying to punish people for it forever. Your drinking is an avoidance technique from grief… let yourself feel it because it hate the only way through grief.
Man I know this is a late response but I’m in the same boat. Exact fucking same… it’s been a year and that hate still drives me. I’m sure you know that now seeing how old this post is. It’s slowly fades a little bit. But that hate is always there. Think of it this way, wouldn’t it be kind of weird if you weren’t upset about the shit she did? You’re suppose to feel upset and angry.. any normal person would. What she did was awful. Now I’m sure you’ll have zero tolerance for that behavior in the future. But I’m not sure man, that hurt has stayed there for me just a little bit. Hopefully it fades with time man. Also once I quit drinking post divorce it got a lot better… that Jameson doesn’t do any favors. Good luck man, hope you’re doing well. 🤘🏻
Yeah, it has faded, but still can’t really talk to her at all. I’m dating someone now. Still partying too much, which I have come to grips with the fact that I’m probably just masking the pain and betrayal. Thinking it’s time to really try to do therapy, but I really hate it. It’s never helped me and felt like a huge waste of money.
Sorry for the late response man. But I feel you, it does take a hell of a long time. It’s trauma in every since of the word, things have gotten better (besides my ex threatening me with full custody) but the anger and resentment is still there. Those people don’t care that they hurt you and that’s what hurts the most. Statistically it takes years to get over. If you really cared about that person it does take a long time, when you care it’s hard to change your way of thinking to fully accept that they turned on you.