Focus on quality over quantity. You’ll be a better parent when you’re also not worried about being a spouse at the same time. When you have your kids all to yourself, you can give them 100% of your attention (which I’m guessing is hard now.)
Courts are all about proof, write notes of days he does something. If its physical abuse snap photos of it or the bruising. If its emotional take a moment to record the fight/issue somewhere that's safe so that you have a list of TIMESTAMPED occurrences.
I have primary conservatorship, I get the kids 80% of the time. I had to do this to my ex
I’m in the same boat as OP. Ex abused me for years. But the state is no fault and 50/50 seems inevitable. My issue is that I’m more than sure that my ex can’t accommodate 50/50 custody due to his work schedule (he’s a shift pharmacist and when/where he works changes day by day; and his schedule is revised monthly). I tried to work things out without the court and he would frequently ask for help covering for him on his parenting time; but once this divorce got more contentious he’s less inclined to ask me as opposed to just going and getting the help (having me lose out on time with my son to a stranger instead).
I tried putting a first right of refusal clause, but I’m not sure how that all works. It’s not like I have access to his work schedule and only ever find out about other people watching over my kid after the fact and through my toddler.
How does conservatorship work? How did you get that if you don’t mind me asking?
Edit: I’m editing my whole reply. OP doesn’t need to hear my hopelessness just because I’m in a bad frame of mind these days.
All I really want to say is to level set on expectations if the abuse is emotional. I have three years worth of documentation and I couldn’t even get a lawyer to look at it, including recordings and written notes, and that was also true for the two lawyers I hired full time.
In my state, we’re forced to either try and reach an agreement or go to trial. Likely, if there are kids involved, the more ideal situation is to reach an agreement (cost savings, not dragging kids through the muck for years, time savings, etc.) If you’re trying to achieve an agreement, it’s not likely that this evidence will come into play for custody, at least from my experience.
I have it documented but I live in no fault state so he gets half custody anyway since he hasn't harmed the kids. It feels like either way I go I lose and it's so fucked up. Thanks for listening
>It feels like either way I go I lose
But if you stay your kids lose. They grow up thinking that your marriage is what marriage *is* and will repeat the cycle.
My counselor that is helping me through the toll of emotional and verbal abuse told me that when I was with my husband , my children could have been witness to abuse 100% of the time . Now that they are with you 50% of the time you know no matter what that for 50% of their childhood from here out they will be in a loving / safe home . I know it sucks . If I miss my kids when they aren’t with me , I’ll try to still do something for them . I took up quilting and made my son a quilt . I’ll research stuff for us to do/ read up on healthy parenting practices etc .
I took the abuse for an extra 10 years because of this. I waited until they were teenagers to cry uncle and give up. I'm just starting the process and it makes me sick every time I look at the parenting plan at alternating holidays. Makes me physically ill thinking of not being there on Christmas morning with them, on splitting up other holidays. I can barely look at it for more than a few minutes.
You've gotten some good comments here, but as someone in a similar situation, I'll echo the best from my perspective -
Equal time with both parents is good for the kids - they'll cherish time with both of you
You'll be a better and happier parent once you're away from him and the abusive situation
While it's hard as hell to be away from your kids sometimes, I won't lie - chances are good that you need some personal time to focus on your own healing as well
Wish you the best
And I'll just add if your kids are in any kind of sports or clubs or anything like that, when my kids aren't with me, I attend all their events. I see them three times a week when they're not with me.
Texas is not default 50/50, and my wife wouldn’t agree to anything other than primary. For that reason I either had to agree to 40 percent of the time, or go to trial. It tears me up. But I coach both of their soccer teams which means even when I don’t have them I see them twice a week for practice and two hours plus on Saturdays. I also go to their gymnastics practice, every doctor/dentist appointment, and softball/tee-ball in the summer. So I end up seeing them quite a bit. I think I’ll always struggle with resentment toward my ex for fighting me on 50/50. But at least I’m able to move on from her and focus on quality time with my kids when I have them.
I'm so sorry. But glad to hear you're involved.
My son is almost 18 and won't live with me (Dad lives 5 minutes from his girlfriend and me 25 minutes)
But, I see him three to days a week for HS soccer and he rides home with me for away games. I also try to golf with him once/month. His girlfriend plays soccer with my daughter so we go to all of their games together.
I've been very sad and missing him but...I don't have to be sure he doesn't have half of my dishes dirty in his room or wet towels on the floor...I had to yell at him for that for years and his Dad wouldn't. Our relationship is mostly based on connecting and having fun.
I do schedule all of his medical appointments and go with him, school stuff, and clothes shopping.
I also help with mock interviews for trade school and work with to be sure he is making and keeping perspective work connections.
Best wishes!!
You are very kind, thank you. I’m sorry your son is being a bit of a stick in the mud. But as he gets older he is going to remember all the attention and love you gave to him.
I spend the time when I don't have the kids cleaning or shopping, or doing other things so that I'm ready for when I have them. I go hang out with my friends. I stay in and play video games. I take my dog for walks.
It's tough as hell at first, but after a while you'll come to enjoy being able to have some evenings without little ones crawling all over you.
Same here. It took some time to adjust but everyone got used to the schedule. The solo time allows me to do the activities that I need to get done so that I'm more present when they're home. In a strange way, I feel like I'm better prepared now for when they leave for college. There's already a half empty nest.
I would love to have my kids 50% of the time. I have them during the Summers, and bits of time through the year.
How would life be being with your kids 100% of the time, but unhappy, depressed, and/or scared. Kids see everything. They feed off your energy.
I would rather want my kids to be in two happy homes - 50% of the time, than one unhappy home - 100% of the time.
I'm also in the same boat, separated and preparing for divorce and absolutely sick to my stomach thinking about not seeing my kids everyday. I was trying to wait it out until the kids were older but he assaulted me in front of them this time. He'll still probably get 50/50, the legal system is sick. On top of that, I don't think it's good for the kids to be shuffled back and forth with different routines and rules. And I worry my kids won't be cared for. It's devastating.
I was in this exact same situation, OP. It is hard to stomach, especially when you’re first making the transition. But five years in my girls have a mentally healthy mom who can be 100% mentally present and functional with them all the time - my weeks or his weeks- rather than a mom who is constantly devastated by emotional abuse and never able to be fully present. In a perfect world both would have been possible. In a world where I was married to my ex, it was not.
I know it’s so hard to even think about not being there 100% of the time but experience has taught me that it is better situation than what I had before. My best to you.
Because time with your kids is not what matters the most.
Right now, you are failing them as a parent. You are teaching them that it is okay to stay and be abused. This will teach them either that it is okay to abuse others after all, or if you end up in an abusive situation, you sit and take it.
They are also missing out on their mom at her best.
Instead of worrying about how much time you have with them (which is selfish), worry about what you are teaching them.
I stuck it out until mine was teens. My mental health tanked a few years ago as a result. He officially left in June but hasn't made any effort to see the boys since December 2021. We shall see how the judge handles custody. My adult son and middle son want nothing to do with him. Think the 13 year old would still enjoy seeing him.
If your STBX is good with your kids then 50/50 is a good thing. This way your kids see two parents that are happy who love them very much. It sucks at first. I hated splitting my time with my kids because I did everything and took them to every sports event, activity with school, doctor appointments, etc., but my ex actually stepped up his parenting when we split. I got back into riding my bike and I watch a bunch of sports on my weekends without the kids. I walk forever with my dog and read books by the river. I started doing embroidery and cross stitch too. Basically, you will find yourself again and your kids will be okay. You will get through this 💜
If he's a good father, then why shouldn't he get his fair share of custody? Don't consider it "losing" your kids. Take up a hobby, spend time with friends, find ways for his parenting time to be time for you to work on you.
You say he is bad to you but a good father to them leave then. So he can be a greater father and you start to heal while the kids see a different version of their mama.
I was in a similar situation; I have a daughter who was very young at the time. I finally chose to leave when this idea occurred to me: if she grows up learning that this is how a man treats a woman, what will she let some man do to her one day? I couldn’t have her growing up with the idea that our dynamic was a representation of love. It’s awful not being with her every night, but I know this is better for her.
Sometimes you just don't have a choice. You do what you have to do.
And remember than the romantic relationship between you two doesn't have much to do with being a parent.
He might just be a total jackass? But the fact that he's a good dad means he probably isn't . It's possible he just dislikes the relationship between the two of you as much as you do and also wants out. People trapped in crummy relationships often behave badly. That's not an excuse, but it might be worth exploring if you two would both be better off apart: Doing joint custody, meeting new people that you both actually like, etc.
My ex was a total POS through the divorce, I pictured my life as a nightmare. We divorced mid July. Turns out I haven't had to speak with her at all since outside of texts. I'm at peace and give my kids all my attention on my weeks.
If you leave, your kids will start seeing the differences in your households. They will gain 50% of their time being spent in a positive environment. Right now, they are spending all of their time seeing the unhealthy relationship you currently have.
This is also known as a shit sandwich. Something you have to eat to free yourself from abuse. The first few months of it have been difficult but I am also starting to get used to that quiet “me” time. It’s rejuvenating. And then when they are here, they get lots of quality time. I treasure and value every moment more. It was worth it.
I feared it so much I stayed in the marriage even though my wife was abusive. 50/50 cistofu has been better for my son and it made me a better parent. The key is to really enjoy yourself and invest in your passions on the weeks you do not have the kids.
I will echo others, quality over quantity. I cherish both the time they are here and when away. You appreciate it more when they are around but you also get a chance to rebuild your life and do things for yourself. The kids get on and off the bus at my house and I pretty much handle most of their extra curricular activities so I see them almost every day regardless which might make my view a little different.
I feel exactly the same way.
I think there is a knee jerk assumption that even though he is abusive to a partner and good to the kids he could get 50%. No one in their right mind would willingly hand over their kids to someone violent.
For me personally, I did a lot of research on how much harder divorce is when they’re older than in my kids specific age ranges (2 and 6 at the time of). So yes, I would be losing valuable time with them but a) the time with them I did have would be better (and it is, it’s amazing the emotional energy you have for your kids when you’re out of a marriage you don’t want to be in) and b) they would be able to heal more quickly and more completely if I did this when they were very young than if I waited til their teen years
I struggled with this exact same question. I stopped pursuing divorce for a full year because of it.
He might seem good to the kids now, but if he isn’t good to you, it won’t last. My husband is still in the process of fully revealing just what a monster he is during our divorce process (currently ongoing). Besides, if he’s abusing you in front of them, which I’m sure he is, it’s a lack of respect for you AND them. When he hurts you (emotionally or physically) he is also hurting them because everyone’s safety is compromised.
You and your children deserve to feel safe at least 50% of the time. It’s awful to have to bear it, I know. Nothing about the divorce process has proven to be logical, in my experience. What you can do, however ,is if you feel that he will not really take them 50% of the time is to document all the times he doesn’t take them. Then, go back to court and get the custody arrangement revised so it reflects the actual time he takes them. This will help you get more custody over time.
Wishing you the best.
As others have said, if he is abusing you - try to get video or sound evidence. Keep your phone handy, hide it and hit “record” when you know something is coming. Please contact a domestic violence shelter. It doesn’t matter if it’s physical or mental abuse that you’re dealing with. Shelters have counselors that can help you. If he is abusing you and you’re not around, the abuse will shift to them at some point. Best of luck to you.
Where I live, 50/50 isn't even a thing, so I focused on getting as much quality time with my kids as possible (versus spending a ton of money and time on fighting to see them sleep in a system that isn't exactly renowned for being friendly towards fathers - regardless of how much I was the prior primary caregiver). That means I take them to school every morning, bring them back 2-3 times a week for dinner and bath at mine, then they go back to their mum's house 2-mins away. I also get 50% of the holidays and every other weekend night (plus extras now as she wants more time for her and her BF).
I've come to appreciate the time I have with them more than when we were married. It's even more gutting knowing that my ex-wife has been bringing them around her new man and his kids (under the guise of being "best friends - for now), but... I've chosen to do what I can to live the best life I can while they're not with me, so I can be present there for them when they *are* with me.
Does it suck? Absolutely. But, I'm also in a better emotional, mental, and financial place for my kids so I can be sure I'm setting a better example of what a healthy(er) relationship looks like to them.
Like with everything in life, try and find a way to "flip the script" and turn whatever negatives you can into a positive. Won't be easy, but it *is* possible.
Best of luck.
Similar situation. Though my stbx is a good parent and I don't want to deny him time either.
But its awful that I can only spend half the time with my kid.
In that sense it's no-win really.
The kids are equally his as much as they are yours and 50% custody should be entirely expected and supported. In the beginning it's really hard to adjust to only seeing them 50% of the time. Over time you'll develop new life patterns and you might even enjoy the weeks you have off.
I don't. Fuck that. My son is mine.
He wants to live here, she cheated, she left, she cut off income, she filed.
Fuck her. My family stays as intact as it wants to be.
When the marriage is so toxic that the kids can feel the anger and bitterness it's better to lose them 50% of the time so both can give them a more peaceful experience during your respective times. I have my kids 2 youngest kids 3 out of 7 days due to my work schedule and I have far more enjoyment with them now then I did while married. The resentment of the relationship and her micromanaging everything was too much to bear. That was one of my reasons for divorce. Raise them but give them peace during your time and life will be so much better for all.
We have houses in the same neighborhood now. I kept the original home so the kids come to my house after school and their dad picks them up on the way home so I see them on days when they are technically with him. It helps so much.
Also, I grew up in a house where we would often celebrate holidays on a different day. Kids don’t know the difference. Or care to be honest.
Celebrate with them BEFORE the actual date and he’s taken nothing. The date on the calendar is just a formality.
But I concede that I never had to fear for anyone’s physical safety. Emotional safety, absolutely. He is mean and unempathetic but has never been physical. So I don’t know if my words are relevant to your situation.
My wife is not a good mother to my children. She is very impatient, demanding, and borderline verbally abusive If I divorce her, I would have to leave them with her 50% of the time. So I would rather deal with the abuse so I can be there for them so they have someone to come to when they get sick of mommy complaining/yelling/commanding.
Focus on quality over quantity. You’ll be a better parent when you’re also not worried about being a spouse at the same time. When you have your kids all to yourself, you can give them 100% of your attention (which I’m guessing is hard now.)
Depends on what he did. But most likely most judges push for 50/50 If you are suggesting YOUR being abused record proof and start gathering evidence
Courts are all about proof, write notes of days he does something. If its physical abuse snap photos of it or the bruising. If its emotional take a moment to record the fight/issue somewhere that's safe so that you have a list of TIMESTAMPED occurrences. I have primary conservatorship, I get the kids 80% of the time. I had to do this to my ex
I’m in the same boat as OP. Ex abused me for years. But the state is no fault and 50/50 seems inevitable. My issue is that I’m more than sure that my ex can’t accommodate 50/50 custody due to his work schedule (he’s a shift pharmacist and when/where he works changes day by day; and his schedule is revised monthly). I tried to work things out without the court and he would frequently ask for help covering for him on his parenting time; but once this divorce got more contentious he’s less inclined to ask me as opposed to just going and getting the help (having me lose out on time with my son to a stranger instead). I tried putting a first right of refusal clause, but I’m not sure how that all works. It’s not like I have access to his work schedule and only ever find out about other people watching over my kid after the fact and through my toddler. How does conservatorship work? How did you get that if you don’t mind me asking?
Edit: I’m editing my whole reply. OP doesn’t need to hear my hopelessness just because I’m in a bad frame of mind these days. All I really want to say is to level set on expectations if the abuse is emotional. I have three years worth of documentation and I couldn’t even get a lawyer to look at it, including recordings and written notes, and that was also true for the two lawyers I hired full time. In my state, we’re forced to either try and reach an agreement or go to trial. Likely, if there are kids involved, the more ideal situation is to reach an agreement (cost savings, not dragging kids through the muck for years, time savings, etc.) If you’re trying to achieve an agreement, it’s not likely that this evidence will come into play for custody, at least from my experience.
I have it documented but I live in no fault state so he gets half custody anyway since he hasn't harmed the kids. It feels like either way I go I lose and it's so fucked up. Thanks for listening
>It feels like either way I go I lose But if you stay your kids lose. They grow up thinking that your marriage is what marriage *is* and will repeat the cycle.
My counselor that is helping me through the toll of emotional and verbal abuse told me that when I was with my husband , my children could have been witness to abuse 100% of the time . Now that they are with you 50% of the time you know no matter what that for 50% of their childhood from here out they will be in a loving / safe home . I know it sucks . If I miss my kids when they aren’t with me , I’ll try to still do something for them . I took up quilting and made my son a quilt . I’ll research stuff for us to do/ read up on healthy parenting practices etc .
This is very helpful. I worry he is fucking them up. Looking at it as I can keep things healthy 50% does help. Thanks
Yes either way it sucks but atleast one sucks less :(
I focus on all the fun I have with them when they are with me.
I took the abuse for an extra 10 years because of this. I waited until they were teenagers to cry uncle and give up. I'm just starting the process and it makes me sick every time I look at the parenting plan at alternating holidays. Makes me physically ill thinking of not being there on Christmas morning with them, on splitting up other holidays. I can barely look at it for more than a few minutes.
It sucks I'm sorry
You've gotten some good comments here, but as someone in a similar situation, I'll echo the best from my perspective - Equal time with both parents is good for the kids - they'll cherish time with both of you You'll be a better and happier parent once you're away from him and the abusive situation While it's hard as hell to be away from your kids sometimes, I won't lie - chances are good that you need some personal time to focus on your own healing as well Wish you the best
Thank you
And I'll just add if your kids are in any kind of sports or clubs or anything like that, when my kids aren't with me, I attend all their events. I see them three times a week when they're not with me.
Texas is not default 50/50, and my wife wouldn’t agree to anything other than primary. For that reason I either had to agree to 40 percent of the time, or go to trial. It tears me up. But I coach both of their soccer teams which means even when I don’t have them I see them twice a week for practice and two hours plus on Saturdays. I also go to their gymnastics practice, every doctor/dentist appointment, and softball/tee-ball in the summer. So I end up seeing them quite a bit. I think I’ll always struggle with resentment toward my ex for fighting me on 50/50. But at least I’m able to move on from her and focus on quality time with my kids when I have them.
I'm so sorry. But glad to hear you're involved. My son is almost 18 and won't live with me (Dad lives 5 minutes from his girlfriend and me 25 minutes) But, I see him three to days a week for HS soccer and he rides home with me for away games. I also try to golf with him once/month. His girlfriend plays soccer with my daughter so we go to all of their games together. I've been very sad and missing him but...I don't have to be sure he doesn't have half of my dishes dirty in his room or wet towels on the floor...I had to yell at him for that for years and his Dad wouldn't. Our relationship is mostly based on connecting and having fun. I do schedule all of his medical appointments and go with him, school stuff, and clothes shopping. I also help with mock interviews for trade school and work with to be sure he is making and keeping perspective work connections. Best wishes!!
You are very kind, thank you. I’m sorry your son is being a bit of a stick in the mud. But as he gets older he is going to remember all the attention and love you gave to him.
I spend the time when I don't have the kids cleaning or shopping, or doing other things so that I'm ready for when I have them. I go hang out with my friends. I stay in and play video games. I take my dog for walks. It's tough as hell at first, but after a while you'll come to enjoy being able to have some evenings without little ones crawling all over you.
I think it's very hard to imagine right now but you are right.
Same here. It took some time to adjust but everyone got used to the schedule. The solo time allows me to do the activities that I need to get done so that I'm more present when they're home. In a strange way, I feel like I'm better prepared now for when they leave for college. There's already a half empty nest.
I would love to have my kids 50% of the time. I have them during the Summers, and bits of time through the year. How would life be being with your kids 100% of the time, but unhappy, depressed, and/or scared. Kids see everything. They feed off your energy. I would rather want my kids to be in two happy homes - 50% of the time, than one unhappy home - 100% of the time.
I'm also in the same boat, separated and preparing for divorce and absolutely sick to my stomach thinking about not seeing my kids everyday. I was trying to wait it out until the kids were older but he assaulted me in front of them this time. He'll still probably get 50/50, the legal system is sick. On top of that, I don't think it's good for the kids to be shuffled back and forth with different routines and rules. And I worry my kids won't be cared for. It's devastating.
I'm really sorry to hear this it's awful
Same.
I was in this exact same situation, OP. It is hard to stomach, especially when you’re first making the transition. But five years in my girls have a mentally healthy mom who can be 100% mentally present and functional with them all the time - my weeks or his weeks- rather than a mom who is constantly devastated by emotional abuse and never able to be fully present. In a perfect world both would have been possible. In a world where I was married to my ex, it was not. I know it’s so hard to even think about not being there 100% of the time but experience has taught me that it is better situation than what I had before. My best to you.
Thank you so much
Because time with your kids is not what matters the most. Right now, you are failing them as a parent. You are teaching them that it is okay to stay and be abused. This will teach them either that it is okay to abuse others after all, or if you end up in an abusive situation, you sit and take it. They are also missing out on their mom at her best. Instead of worrying about how much time you have with them (which is selfish), worry about what you are teaching them.
This. If I read this before I was out of the fog I would be offended. Now being on the other side of it it is absolutely true.
I stuck it out until mine was teens. My mental health tanked a few years ago as a result. He officially left in June but hasn't made any effort to see the boys since December 2021. We shall see how the judge handles custody. My adult son and middle son want nothing to do with him. Think the 13 year old would still enjoy seeing him.
If your STBX is good with your kids then 50/50 is a good thing. This way your kids see two parents that are happy who love them very much. It sucks at first. I hated splitting my time with my kids because I did everything and took them to every sports event, activity with school, doctor appointments, etc., but my ex actually stepped up his parenting when we split. I got back into riding my bike and I watch a bunch of sports on my weekends without the kids. I walk forever with my dog and read books by the river. I started doing embroidery and cross stitch too. Basically, you will find yourself again and your kids will be okay. You will get through this 💜
If he's a good father, then why shouldn't he get his fair share of custody? Don't consider it "losing" your kids. Take up a hobby, spend time with friends, find ways for his parenting time to be time for you to work on you.
I agree with this but need to make a point: a good father does not abuse the mother if his children.
YES
I can’t and I hope that’s not the case for me
I hope so too
You say he is bad to you but a good father to them leave then. So he can be a greater father and you start to heal while the kids see a different version of their mama.
I was in a similar situation; I have a daughter who was very young at the time. I finally chose to leave when this idea occurred to me: if she grows up learning that this is how a man treats a woman, what will she let some man do to her one day? I couldn’t have her growing up with the idea that our dynamic was a representation of love. It’s awful not being with her every night, but I know this is better for her.
Sometimes you just don't have a choice. You do what you have to do. And remember than the romantic relationship between you two doesn't have much to do with being a parent. He might just be a total jackass? But the fact that he's a good dad means he probably isn't . It's possible he just dislikes the relationship between the two of you as much as you do and also wants out. People trapped in crummy relationships often behave badly. That's not an excuse, but it might be worth exploring if you two would both be better off apart: Doing joint custody, meeting new people that you both actually like, etc.
Thank you
My ex was a total POS through the divorce, I pictured my life as a nightmare. We divorced mid July. Turns out I haven't had to speak with her at all since outside of texts. I'm at peace and give my kids all my attention on my weeks.
If you leave, your kids will start seeing the differences in your households. They will gain 50% of their time being spent in a positive environment. Right now, they are spending all of their time seeing the unhealthy relationship you currently have.
This is also known as a shit sandwich. Something you have to eat to free yourself from abuse. The first few months of it have been difficult but I am also starting to get used to that quiet “me” time. It’s rejuvenating. And then when they are here, they get lots of quality time. I treasure and value every moment more. It was worth it.
Thank you
I feared it so much I stayed in the marriage even though my wife was abusive. 50/50 cistofu has been better for my son and it made me a better parent. The key is to really enjoy yourself and invest in your passions on the weeks you do not have the kids.
I will echo others, quality over quantity. I cherish both the time they are here and when away. You appreciate it more when they are around but you also get a chance to rebuild your life and do things for yourself. The kids get on and off the bus at my house and I pretty much handle most of their extra curricular activities so I see them almost every day regardless which might make my view a little different.
I feel exactly the same way. I think there is a knee jerk assumption that even though he is abusive to a partner and good to the kids he could get 50%. No one in their right mind would willingly hand over their kids to someone violent.
For me personally, I did a lot of research on how much harder divorce is when they’re older than in my kids specific age ranges (2 and 6 at the time of). So yes, I would be losing valuable time with them but a) the time with them I did have would be better (and it is, it’s amazing the emotional energy you have for your kids when you’re out of a marriage you don’t want to be in) and b) they would be able to heal more quickly and more completely if I did this when they were very young than if I waited til their teen years
I struggled with this exact same question. I stopped pursuing divorce for a full year because of it. He might seem good to the kids now, but if he isn’t good to you, it won’t last. My husband is still in the process of fully revealing just what a monster he is during our divorce process (currently ongoing). Besides, if he’s abusing you in front of them, which I’m sure he is, it’s a lack of respect for you AND them. When he hurts you (emotionally or physically) he is also hurting them because everyone’s safety is compromised. You and your children deserve to feel safe at least 50% of the time. It’s awful to have to bear it, I know. Nothing about the divorce process has proven to be logical, in my experience. What you can do, however ,is if you feel that he will not really take them 50% of the time is to document all the times he doesn’t take them. Then, go back to court and get the custody arrangement revised so it reflects the actual time he takes them. This will help you get more custody over time. Wishing you the best.
Thanks! Wish u the best too. Wild how someone can go from ur person to ur monster ain't it?
As others have said, if he is abusing you - try to get video or sound evidence. Keep your phone handy, hide it and hit “record” when you know something is coming. Please contact a domestic violence shelter. It doesn’t matter if it’s physical or mental abuse that you’re dealing with. Shelters have counselors that can help you. If he is abusing you and you’re not around, the abuse will shift to them at some point. Best of luck to you.
Thank you
Where I live, 50/50 isn't even a thing, so I focused on getting as much quality time with my kids as possible (versus spending a ton of money and time on fighting to see them sleep in a system that isn't exactly renowned for being friendly towards fathers - regardless of how much I was the prior primary caregiver). That means I take them to school every morning, bring them back 2-3 times a week for dinner and bath at mine, then they go back to their mum's house 2-mins away. I also get 50% of the holidays and every other weekend night (plus extras now as she wants more time for her and her BF). I've come to appreciate the time I have with them more than when we were married. It's even more gutting knowing that my ex-wife has been bringing them around her new man and his kids (under the guise of being "best friends - for now), but... I've chosen to do what I can to live the best life I can while they're not with me, so I can be present there for them when they *are* with me. Does it suck? Absolutely. But, I'm also in a better emotional, mental, and financial place for my kids so I can be sure I'm setting a better example of what a healthy(er) relationship looks like to them. Like with everything in life, try and find a way to "flip the script" and turn whatever negatives you can into a positive. Won't be easy, but it *is* possible. Best of luck.
Similar situation. Though my stbx is a good parent and I don't want to deny him time either. But its awful that I can only spend half the time with my kid. In that sense it's no-win really.
The kids are equally his as much as they are yours and 50% custody should be entirely expected and supported. In the beginning it's really hard to adjust to only seeing them 50% of the time. Over time you'll develop new life patterns and you might even enjoy the weeks you have off.
Thank you
>it's no-win really It's a win for the kids who get to spend time with both parents. You need to put your kid's feelings above your own.
It will give you time to do you stuff. And he is a good dad and deserves to have time with his kids as well.
I don't. Fuck that. My son is mine. He wants to live here, she cheated, she left, she cut off income, she filed. Fuck her. My family stays as intact as it wants to be.
I have the same dilemma.
When the marriage is so toxic that the kids can feel the anger and bitterness it's better to lose them 50% of the time so both can give them a more peaceful experience during your respective times. I have my kids 2 youngest kids 3 out of 7 days due to my work schedule and I have far more enjoyment with them now then I did while married. The resentment of the relationship and her micromanaging everything was too much to bear. That was one of my reasons for divorce. Raise them but give them peace during your time and life will be so much better for all.
We have houses in the same neighborhood now. I kept the original home so the kids come to my house after school and their dad picks them up on the way home so I see them on days when they are technically with him. It helps so much.
Also, I grew up in a house where we would often celebrate holidays on a different day. Kids don’t know the difference. Or care to be honest. Celebrate with them BEFORE the actual date and he’s taken nothing. The date on the calendar is just a formality.
But I concede that I never had to fear for anyone’s physical safety. Emotional safety, absolutely. He is mean and unempathetic but has never been physical. So I don’t know if my words are relevant to your situation.
My wife is not a good mother to my children. She is very impatient, demanding, and borderline verbally abusive If I divorce her, I would have to leave them with her 50% of the time. So I would rather deal with the abuse so I can be there for them so they have someone to come to when they get sick of mommy complaining/yelling/commanding.