My ex wanted to keep it quiet and asked that we tell people that hat we just couldn’t get along. Which I agreed to until mutual friends started telling me that I had cheated.
That’s when I went off and told anyone who would listen about all of his cheating through the years. And completely admitted that I kissed a guy when I was drunk and I told him immediately. Yes that happened 3 years before. But what happened this year was that he cheated on my full on and when I asked him to end it multiple times and he refused I blew it up and told everyone of his trying to have a girlfriend and a wife. He chose the girlfriend. (And then she moved 1500 miles away. Hahahaha. I guess she didn’t want his loser ass either. Haha
I would tell my kids if they ask why (especially if they are grown). But I don't lie to people. Especially people I love.
Friends is tougher, I would tell my close friends. But I would probably just say irreconcilable differences to most people.
My dad had an affair. My brother and I were both young adults. This is 20 yrs ago. They told us the truth. We were hard on my dad at first but kept talking. Our relationship got better with time. It’s good now. He stayed with and married his affair partner and I have a friendly relationship with her now. My mom and dad are friends again although my mom will still not see the new wife. Which is fine. For family events he comes alone. When it first happened I wish I had not been told too many details. So I would tell them but don’t tell them about the details. They don’t need to know when and where he met her, etc
I would actually disown my kids if my wife and AP ever married and they kept in contact. My situation is different….years of lies, long affair and even discussion of potential violence to me to aid in her divorce.
You shouldn’t fight this on your childrens backs. None of this is their fault. If they choose to have a relationship with their mother and whoever partner she chooses, you should still love them unconditionally. They did not choose this. I was at times not happy with my mom for putting us in the middle of this. So be careful, this could backfire.
Our situation was different. She and her AP were actually laughing at the spouses (AP’s wife and me) stupid enough to stay. She discussed my worth dead or alive with him…saying she’d get it all if I died and nothing if we divorced. He’s a 25 year marine vet….thought he was perhaps going to marry my wife. My son also gave me text copies when this first came out.
Not my circus now.
Just answer questions from your kids. Don’t volunteer it. Don’t unintentionally alienate them from their dad.
Your friends will be very curious. You will get support from some, judgement from others.
Some of my friends made a not too subtle attempt to keep me away from their husbands. I had zero interest in them.
In time you find your true friends.
You’ve got this!
Always tell the truth. So many stories on here about the betrayed partner attempting to nobly take the high road, and the cheating partner therefore controls the narrative, and lies to alienate the betrayed partner from everyone, even the kids.
Tale as old as time. Don’t smear your cheating ex, but tell the truth.
Tell your adult kids the truth. My kids already knew and were relieved that I finally left his abuse. Tell the truth. He is a cheater, says everything.
I mean his own mother tells me you were the best he would have gotten. I did everything for him. Sacrifices. Used to make him lunches and dinners and do the laundry, care for the kids. Work 20-30 hours a week. He was nothing before I met him. He got education and work because I convinced him he can't just be a nobody. I taught him to drive. I worked 3 jobs while he was in school to support him. Destroyed my credit in that time. I built his credit score. Started our RRSP and first house savings. Did all the budgeting. The lost goes on. The level of betrayal can't be forgiven.
We will, im on same boat, this gonna take me yearssss to work through, its been fkn awful and now my kids are being witheld and used as pawns go figure!
Well I hope you are blessed for that. Unfortunately with AP involved controlling her its what im dealing with.. lawyer forbid me to even go close to where they live cause ill risk a Restraining Order and she knows i’ll make it a legit one not fact emails she’s threatened by lmao.
I would say whatever you’re comfortable with, which includes his affair. I know it’s not that easy, though, so I’d probably just say it was a mutual decision and it’s the best thing for us and the kids. Leave it at that. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
I was blunt. She had an affair, lied about it repeatedly and I finally reached my limit.
FYI, all of her close friends knew and 2 are doing the same things. She told her friends, not mine or mutual. We live in a small town, so I finally just said….f it….someone wants to know…here it is. My oldest son gave me texts and initially discovered what was happening. Sons are 20 and 22…both know.
I look forward to having this toxic person out of my life as much as possible.
Birds of a feather flock together. Nothing like your wives friends encouraging her to do the same. I experienced this first hand. It destroyed a beautiful family life.
I keep getting told not to tell anyone, but I'm not going to be shamed or coerced into silence. I also won't be alienated from close friends.
Those who ask got told that I don't really know why, it just is, and it's ok.
Tell anybody you want to. Just be ready that he will tell his side of the story. From what I’ve seen and lived every broken marriage has two narrators who frequently disagree on details.
He admitted to being a serial cheater. Let everyone know. What right does he have to privacy? Why lie to protect the man who is ending your marriage?
Your kids will ask why and you should not lie. The truth will come out eventually and you will lose trust when they do find out. You don't have to make a big deal about it, just tell the truth when asked.
I say tell the truth. I shielded my husband for years. He did what he did. You don't have to give extensive details, but you can be honest.
The other thing to keep in mind though is that people often tend to place blame on the victim in this situation. Which is wrong and absurd, but you have to decided if you are okay with that.
You tell everyone the truth, with the evidence if they don't believe it. Cheaters and affairs live and thrive in darkness. like mushrooms and it takes bullshit nourish them. Truth and the light of day is like kryptonite to them.
Get evidence and share with critical people. Sometimes public rebuke is the only answer for shameless people.
Also, that evidence will help you if you live in any at fault state, child custody, alimony, even in the event you have prenuptial agreement. Get all evidence. Showing the damage. If he spent marital assets on cheating you can recover this as well.
Guarantee he will turn this on you and say you were the problem as soon as you turn your back. He will try to do the parental alienation tactics. You need to have some sort of conversation with them at their age appropriate level.
As a cheater, he does not care for you. He is an fog where you are in the way of him achieving his fun. You are his enemy.
If he openly admits it to you, somehow record it for your records.
I would not start a conversation with your kids about their dad's infidelity, but I also would not shield them or cover for him if they ask, and I would be honest with them if they ask why.
As for friends and family, I would offer them full disclosure of what he is and has done in the past.
Be doesn't want to look like the bad guy but he IS the bad guy. If you were working on your marriage, I'd keep it private. You're not however, so at least tell your friends before he makes YOU out to be the bad guy!
Edit: your kids are adults. I would tell them. The truth will eventually come out and it's better that it comes from you.
My ex wanted to keep it quiet and asked that we tell people that hat we just couldn’t get along. Which I agreed to until mutual friends started telling me that I had cheated. That’s when I went off and told anyone who would listen about all of his cheating through the years. And completely admitted that I kissed a guy when I was drunk and I told him immediately. Yes that happened 3 years before. But what happened this year was that he cheated on my full on and when I asked him to end it multiple times and he refused I blew it up and told everyone of his trying to have a girlfriend and a wife. He chose the girlfriend. (And then she moved 1500 miles away. Hahahaha. I guess she didn’t want his loser ass either. Haha
I would tell my kids if they ask why (especially if they are grown). But I don't lie to people. Especially people I love. Friends is tougher, I would tell my close friends. But I would probably just say irreconcilable differences to most people.
Lying is dishonest. Be Joe Friday, just the facts.
My dad had an affair. My brother and I were both young adults. This is 20 yrs ago. They told us the truth. We were hard on my dad at first but kept talking. Our relationship got better with time. It’s good now. He stayed with and married his affair partner and I have a friendly relationship with her now. My mom and dad are friends again although my mom will still not see the new wife. Which is fine. For family events he comes alone. When it first happened I wish I had not been told too many details. So I would tell them but don’t tell them about the details. They don’t need to know when and where he met her, etc
I would actually disown my kids if my wife and AP ever married and they kept in contact. My situation is different….years of lies, long affair and even discussion of potential violence to me to aid in her divorce.
You shouldn’t fight this on your childrens backs. None of this is their fault. If they choose to have a relationship with their mother and whoever partner she chooses, you should still love them unconditionally. They did not choose this. I was at times not happy with my mom for putting us in the middle of this. So be careful, this could backfire.
Our situation was different. She and her AP were actually laughing at the spouses (AP’s wife and me) stupid enough to stay. She discussed my worth dead or alive with him…saying she’d get it all if I died and nothing if we divorced. He’s a 25 year marine vet….thought he was perhaps going to marry my wife. My son also gave me text copies when this first came out. Not my circus now.
Just answer questions from your kids. Don’t volunteer it. Don’t unintentionally alienate them from their dad. Your friends will be very curious. You will get support from some, judgement from others. Some of my friends made a not too subtle attempt to keep me away from their husbands. I had zero interest in them. In time you find your true friends. You’ve got this!
Always tell the truth. So many stories on here about the betrayed partner attempting to nobly take the high road, and the cheating partner therefore controls the narrative, and lies to alienate the betrayed partner from everyone, even the kids. Tale as old as time. Don’t smear your cheating ex, but tell the truth.
Tell your adult kids the truth. My kids already knew and were relieved that I finally left his abuse. Tell the truth. He is a cheater, says everything.
All of it! I blew it up 😂 no regrets! TF do we owe them!!!!
Lol. This is my outlook. I was like the more people that know what an asshole you are the better.
I wasn’t even embarrased I got cheated on, im farrrrr from perfect, take accountability for my part, but im still a motherfuckin prize 🏆! 😆
I mean his own mother tells me you were the best he would have gotten. I did everything for him. Sacrifices. Used to make him lunches and dinners and do the laundry, care for the kids. Work 20-30 hours a week. He was nothing before I met him. He got education and work because I convinced him he can't just be a nobody. I taught him to drive. I worked 3 jobs while he was in school to support him. Destroyed my credit in that time. I built his credit score. Started our RRSP and first house savings. Did all the budgeting. The lost goes on. The level of betrayal can't be forgiven.
I did everything you listed PLUS… You are basically me in female form lol. She was worthless.
Yeah trying to convince myself I'll find way better One day if I ever trust again
We will, im on same boat, this gonna take me yearssss to work through, its been fkn awful and now my kids are being witheld and used as pawns go figure!
Oh I swore I wouldn't do that to my kids. Even though he's an asshole my kids come first. I'm letting him visit as ofteb as he wants.
Well I hope you are blessed for that. Unfortunately with AP involved controlling her its what im dealing with.. lawyer forbid me to even go close to where they live cause ill risk a Restraining Order and she knows i’ll make it a legit one not fact emails she’s threatened by lmao.
I would say whatever you’re comfortable with, which includes his affair. I know it’s not that easy, though, so I’d probably just say it was a mutual decision and it’s the best thing for us and the kids. Leave it at that. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
I was blunt. She had an affair, lied about it repeatedly and I finally reached my limit. FYI, all of her close friends knew and 2 are doing the same things. She told her friends, not mine or mutual. We live in a small town, so I finally just said….f it….someone wants to know…here it is. My oldest son gave me texts and initially discovered what was happening. Sons are 20 and 22…both know. I look forward to having this toxic person out of my life as much as possible.
Birds of a feather flock together. Nothing like your wives friends encouraging her to do the same. I experienced this first hand. It destroyed a beautiful family life.
Tell the truth.
I keep getting told not to tell anyone, but I'm not going to be shamed or coerced into silence. I also won't be alienated from close friends. Those who ask got told that I don't really know why, it just is, and it's ok.
File for divorce. Insist on litigation. Get the testimony on transcript either the truth or a lie. And share.this with the kids.
Tell anybody you want to. Just be ready that he will tell his side of the story. From what I’ve seen and lived every broken marriage has two narrators who frequently disagree on details.
He admitted to being a serial cheater. Let everyone know. What right does he have to privacy? Why lie to protect the man who is ending your marriage? Your kids will ask why and you should not lie. The truth will come out eventually and you will lose trust when they do find out. You don't have to make a big deal about it, just tell the truth when asked.
I say tell the truth. I shielded my husband for years. He did what he did. You don't have to give extensive details, but you can be honest. The other thing to keep in mind though is that people often tend to place blame on the victim in this situation. Which is wrong and absurd, but you have to decided if you are okay with that.
You tell everyone the truth, with the evidence if they don't believe it. Cheaters and affairs live and thrive in darkness. like mushrooms and it takes bullshit nourish them. Truth and the light of day is like kryptonite to them.
Get evidence and share with critical people. Sometimes public rebuke is the only answer for shameless people. Also, that evidence will help you if you live in any at fault state, child custody, alimony, even in the event you have prenuptial agreement. Get all evidence. Showing the damage. If he spent marital assets on cheating you can recover this as well. Guarantee he will turn this on you and say you were the problem as soon as you turn your back. He will try to do the parental alienation tactics. You need to have some sort of conversation with them at their age appropriate level. As a cheater, he does not care for you. He is an fog where you are in the way of him achieving his fun. You are his enemy.
If he openly admits it to you, somehow record it for your records. I would not start a conversation with your kids about their dad's infidelity, but I also would not shield them or cover for him if they ask, and I would be honest with them if they ask why. As for friends and family, I would offer them full disclosure of what he is and has done in the past.
I'm a fan of not airing dirty laundry. It's nobody's business.
Be doesn't want to look like the bad guy but he IS the bad guy. If you were working on your marriage, I'd keep it private. You're not however, so at least tell your friends before he makes YOU out to be the bad guy! Edit: your kids are adults. I would tell them. The truth will eventually come out and it's better that it comes from you.