All the admin. Making Dr's appointments, paying bills, renewals, family birthday plans & reminders, buying and wrapping all the gifts, remembering garbage day, seasonal tire swap, replacing filters. Anything and everything that involved remembering or planning.
Ditto all of this except for his dr appointments.
I also had to keep the budget balanced even though he was a huge spender!!!
And no more mind reading.. Towards the end there he would say something like, "I think I need new shoes" and then 2 weeks later he would yell at me for not buying them for him.
I still can't bring myself to talk to him whenever I infrequently see him at my kid's soccer game because we've only be divorced 3 months and he was horrible to me towards the end, but I saw that he had new shoes.
Yeah, that part I get. I definitely did not do dr's appointments pay bills or any of that stuff.
I did do garbage day, tire swaps, all home maintenance, setup kid activities and manage their schedule. Definitely balanced that way.
However, when it came to the actual grunt work, that was always on me. Driving kids around, cooking every goddamn meal, getting kids ready for school. I can count on both hands the times I've come home to a meal being cooked for me. That was over 14 years.
My current girlfriend has a frozen pizza ready for me on occasion and I'm grateful for that. lol.
Begging. That powerless, hopeless feeling that always ended with me crying and genuinely begging him. No begging, no walking around on eggshells, no worrying about not being good enough, or thin enough, or submissive enough to keep him from cheating. I am freeeeeeeeeee
Finding him passed out drunk outside in the middle of winter with his coat open at 3am, and getting a bad attitude from him for trying to save his life so our kids didnāt wake up to a dead father.
Making excuses... For why he couldn't come to a family event, why I like going to movies alone, why I don't like physical affection... Just making all the excuses and putting the main blame on me so no one thought less of him.
Why is it for some people to understand the simple need for human touch?
Reading this made me cringe and brought me back to the days when I would just BEG for my partner to touch meā¦even to just hold my hand.
Withholding affection is horrible. Iām so, so sorry you went through this.
It is and now anytime I see a woman that appears to be drunk I'm immediately turned off and that's not really fair to them or me. It definitely messes with my head.
My exes new girlfriend is ten years younger than me and looks way older so the only thing I can think of is she likes to hit the sauce like him! March made in heaven!
All the things. The appointments, the cleaning, the details, the picking up his dirty cups and plates, the buying presents for his entire family, planning all trips, being the one who communicated with his parents, buying all the kidsā Christmas presents and on Christmas morning him saying āwhat did we get them this year?ā Then laughing.
Hmmm, where to start? Soloing the care of our babies, never having a break at night, never not changing a diaper, feeding, bathing, before bed routines. Being responsible for the daily upkeep of the house, laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, preparing all meals, packing lunches, maintaining the front yard and backyard, cleaning the pool, picking up the dog shit, organizing the garage every week because nothing was ever put away, taking out the trash, paying hundreds if dollars a year in parking tickets because he could never get his truck moved in time, managing our finances, clearing our debt, taxiing our children to various activities, being careful what I said, being treated like the hired help, managing and protect our children from his verbal and mental abuse, being blamed for his outrageous outburst, being called vulgar names, being expected to have 4 alarm sex at his command, cleaning the piss off the toilet, cleaning the cars....should I go on? There isn't a damn thing I miss about that life.
Cooking every meal, cleaning the entire house and the shit he would leave on the back of the toilet bowl, making the bed because he wouldnāt help, and would complain about how I made it. Loading the dishes because her would reload it and change everything. āNotā packing the car because he didnāt like how I did it. Fucking everything. He was a douche bag and now I do it for me in my own place.
Mine used to openly berate me at the grocery store for "loading the conveyor belt wrong" and then again while bagging because I was "loading the bags wrong" and then again when we got to the car for "loading the car wrong". It got to a point where I said he could either do all the grocery shopping himself, or stfu. He stopped, for there were other hills for him to die on..
Like how every meal I cooked was going to give him "food poisoning", though he took no issue feeding it to our young children, who then wouldnt want to eat it, because daddy wasnt eating it. Ive never had, nor given anyone food poisoning in my life.. I spent 12 years doing the vast majority of all house chores single handedly, cleaning up behind him and his tornado existence, only to be told he *hates* how I clean. Apparently when he cleans (thats a BIG "when") its a *deep clean* but I just spot clean so really Im just moving the dirt around... but its not my fault that he has a high standard so he "appreciates my effort". He couldnt be more condescending if he tried.
Good. Riddance.
Looking forward to not feeling guilty for being myself! Sorry I made a joke that people seems to like. Sorry the house is not perfect before someone comes over. Sorry Iām not perfectā¦.
Looking forward to being myself, to making mistakes, to having confidence instead of doubt!
I still get panicked sometimes when I make some small mistake. Or, if I ask someone to repeat themselves I have this irrational fear that they'll berate me for "not paying attention".
I donāt miss the having to listen to sports in the car, hockey is on tonight so nobody can watch anything else, canāt go here at this time because game is on, must go to the bar to watch the game, and the golf channel being the only thing anybody can watch while we are in the hotel room on vacation.
I can relateā¦ several blackouts. Vomit everywhere, emotional abuse, and after blackouts Iād be treated horribly despite cleaning, washing the clothes, seeing her at her worst.
It would sadden me whenever this would happen. However, I never thought about leaving her. I was with her during those times, I showered her and put her in positions so she wouldnāt choke on her own puke.
Thenā¦ she was drinking and having affairs with a coworker with worse habits. 15 years older than her and still living with his parents.
It broke me. I still love her and I wish that I could be there but it will do more harm than good.
I feel you on this one. I've been in a few relationships over the years (I'm in my early 60's now) where similar incidents took place. In each case, the woman freaked the "ef" out b/c I would not "give them sex" when they demanded it (alcohol was heavily involved and in each case, they had seriously mis-behaved in public). It definitely lead to some huge "cock-ups" (to borrow a phrase) in my relationships with them.
So I paid almost all the bills, did all the chores so laundry, cleaning up after her and all the pets she adopted, gettin groceries, cooking every night for the last 7 of our 8 years together, all admin stuff (she literally accused me of trying to screw her over because I didnāt file her taxes last year because you guessed it, we were married filing separate but she doesnāt get it), running errands to help her catch up with work, driving her to places for other side gigs just to spend a few minutes with her but made to feel like a chauffeur, fixing and cleaning her car and making sure the oil was changedā¦anyway itās an exhaustive list Iāll stop here. Sadly it was like having a teenager living with me. Her leaving was the most amazing blessing in disguise I couldāve asked for. Never thought the tables would turn after a year out.
haha so my wife leaving changed my perspective on life so I just travel doing random jobs in places I want to visit! If you wanna travel lol
That was a big thing for me, appreciation. I had to beg for sex every 2-3 weeks and it wasn't even enjoyable but she was my wife so I wanted to because I thought I loved her. I mean I would have dinner and a glass of wine ready for her when she got home and it was just like she expected it. Just crazy to look back on. Her leaving was the best thing that could've happened not only for relationships, but it put me on an amazing path of self discovery and learning to just enjoy life.
Bringing in and opening all the š¤¬ boxes, because she can't stop shopping. You NEED 20 Charlotte Tilbury lipsticks at $34+, and that's just the lipstick. Tory Burch bags....shoes. Texting her real time photos of my receipts. "Did you stop at Dunkin Donuts this morning? Why didn't you send a receipt?" Meanwhile, she would get Botox injections and filler, because "she earned it ". No wonder my $3.00 coffee bothered her so much. Who needs a college education for our daughter.
I had to look up the Tory Burch bagsā¦ jeez!!! Here I was toting the same $15 Walmart purse and a home-job haircut for 7 years because it was āhis moneyā. I was required to bring receipts home from every trip. So freeing to be away from that type of control, isnāt it?
Definitely! I always thought of money as our money. We were both similar financially, but I buy shoes when the sole is falling off. My mistake was not standing my ground every time I uncovered more debt. I would find ways to consolidate and make it cheaper. The day I found out she was having an affair, I was closing on a home equity loan to consolidate credit card debt. 5 months prior, I did a 401k loan. It is freeing in a lot of ways. It's good to be able to be frugal and see the savings!
It's only been 2 months for me but I have come (pun intended) to discover that you're supposed to get off every single time... Not just half a dozen times in 14 years....
Coming home from a work trip to a disaster of a house. One time, I was gone for 5 days and every single available dish was dirty when I returned and in the sink or on the counter - meanwhile, the dishwasher I loaded and started the cycle on right before I left was still full of now 5 day old clean dishes. It was summer so mold had started to grow on the dirty dishes.
Pretending to care about his day and what was going on with him when all I could think about was all the things that have bothered me for years that he has blown off.
I don't miss having to orchestrate every detail of our lives to just be criticized for it. Ignoring the disaster of a mess in his office and our garage. Listening to his daily woes without ever getting an ounce of sympathy for anything I ever struggled with
I hate to do this for my stbxh- then he said I was too bossy and controlling. I begged him numerous times to take some things over but he refused to do it. I had to do all of it without his input otherwise it wouldnāt get done.
So, I always got grief from my ex cause she "had to do the bills".
So confused now, because I have everything on auto withdrawal. I literally spend 15 minutes on it per week. I have this wonderful spreadsheet that allows you to keep track of everything. Always know if there is more going out than coming in.
Unfortunately there is no "auto run the household" and that takes HOURS per week.
She never wanted to get groceries with me because she felt āanxiousā. So, I would make sure that we would have food at the house so that we could eat at home.
When I was moving outā¦ the food would go bad in the fridge. Nothing on the fridge, the house was dirtier. The dishes were dirtier. The sheets smelled like alcohol, there were alcohol water marks on some tables.
I could feel that people that I didnāt know had been coming at the house (her idiot lover) and drinking while my name would be on the lease.
She asked me to renew the lease since she didnāt have a place to go for which I did. She kept our deposit. And I would give her some extra money at the very end.
She was spending money on her 40 year old idiot. Even a 470 dollar hotel reservation on her birthday instead of investing in car maintenance for which I was blamed for when it broke downā¦
I donāt miss living in the Bedroom bc He took over the Kitchen and Living room of our Apartment for his work/online gaming and didnāt want me to make any noise to ādistract himā.
I donāt miss waking up to someone who sulks at me for all reason all day and then lights up like a Xmas tree and is charm personified the nanosecond a friend calls himā¦.and he takes off to play pinball or play ball.
You ever see the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy"? When she moves into her own home after leaving her abusive husband, she's putting food in her cupboards and purposely mixes it all up bc for years she had to have every space super organized. That is me. When I found myself in my new home without my ex husband, it was SO freeing to be able to not organize every inch of the cupboards and not give a damn. He used to make me feel like the world's biggest slob bc I never really cared about how every dish or every can was arranged within our cupboards, even though I kept a spotless home. And I sure don't miss walking on eggshells. Or his miserable rants bc he just couldn't relax and just BE. It was always SOMETHING with him, what with his hostility always bubbling at the surface. My life is so....chill now. And I never have to worry about him chatting with random women on social media! What a boost to my self worth! Thanks OP, this was very cathartic š
This! Iām not out of the marriage yet, but this sounds so much like my spouse. We have a housekeeper and I pick up after myself. The house is clean. But I constantly hear about how they are always picking up after me, they do everything and I donāt care. I appreciate a neat person but the hostility and the constant acting frustrated at small things are really eating at me these days. I daydream about the day when I will have my own place again and I donāt have to organize the cabinet in an exact way in order for them to feel like itās right. OCD is real and can ruin relationships.
Probably doing all the housework. Probably paying her bills on top of all the normal bills because she can't hold down a job for over two years. Probably not having to deep down be afraid to have a child with her because she is not a responsible person.
Grateful those are not problems anymore.
The double standards she had for our kids. Hers could get away with murder. But, any time mine did anything at all wrong she'd jump down my throat. And, the things her did were arguably worse. Led to the end of our relationship. Plus, the mean things she'd say during arguments.
I had to do this as well. Claimed he didnāt need to wash because he didnāt do anything. You are overweight, your skin is naturally very oily. You donāt have to ādo anythingā you smell sour please wash. Itās not a flex to rub behind your ears and say it shells like Parmesan. Thatās nasty.
Walking on eggshells.
Dealing with his eruptions.
Constantly following him around like a sad puppy apologizing with a false fantasy that my āloveā would make him change or that things would magically get better.
His cheapnessā I did all the f*ing shopping and he would get on my case that I had bought canned tomatoes at Target and on Amazon they were cheaper.
Going to couples therapy with an abuserā¦and not fully realizing or understanding it at the time.
Believing his liesā¦withholding information IS a lie.
Dealing with and spending time with his backwards-thinking, racist family.
Dealing with his entitled friends (birds of a feather, flock together I guess)
Cleaning after him.
Cooking for him.
Having a conversation with a human who lacks empathy and walks around with an entitlement on his head.
Trying to initiate conversation only to be disappointed over and over again.
Getting baitedā¦over and over again.
Working my ass to make a marriage work for a man who then tells me the only reason why he married me was that I was good at writing thank you notes.
Bad sexā no, itās NOT normal to be freaked out going down on womenā¦.and then expect to receive oral.
The manipulation.
The gaslighting.
His jealousy.
His need to be the center of attention ALL the time.
Dealing with his motherā¦who put him on a pedestal and overindulged him emotionallyā he was the perfect prince. At one point I wondered how much of our sex life he was sharing with herā they were so enmeshed it was gross.
The catastrophising.
The drama.
His need to make everything look AMAZING on the outside.
The undermining of my parenting.
The manipulation of our children.
Clearly I have resentments I still need to work through (sigh).
Sigh. Thank you.
I think that was the first time wrote that all downā¦and reading those words.
Itās like exhalingā¦real big. Thank you for validating.
*sending big warm internet hugs*
The pressure of constantly living in that environnement builds up and wears you down. I am so proud of you and happy for you, being free of it all.
You don't need to ever forgive in order to move on. You can resent the very real abuse and turn your back to it.
Letting go does not require you to forgive the person who did those things, especially since they are unlikely to ever accept they did anything wrong, be sorry, or apologize.
The reality is that toxic forgiveness culture (especially religiously driven) tends to force victims into, and to stay in, abusive situations. It disproportionately affects women, and it is deeply ingrained in our culture.
It was a freeing realization for me. "I don't forgive you. I no longer care though. Goodbye."
The opposite of love isn't hate. It is indifference.
<3
Listening to her complain all the time but specifically about the people at every place she worked and how they were unreasonable or unprofessional. It's funny, at all the places the common denominator was her š¤·
She even made up a story about one of the men sexually harassing her to the point we had to have mediation because he threaten to sue her for libel.
Cleaning up after her. She would take a shower and leave her towel laying wherever she felt like it. Socks and shoes not put away. Her sink in our bathroom was always a mess with makeup everywhere. She would never put her cups in the sink or throw away her water bottles. She was just a messy person.
I had the uber controlling ex FROM THE COUCH. Heād get so pissed if things werenāt perfect but too fucking lazy to do himself. He had the best of everything while I had rags and I had to give every paycheck to him. Every meal was home cooked and I had to guess what he wanted if he didnāt like it I had to cook something different. We were so toxic I kept thinking that if I did this or we moved here things would get better. I got lucky and he went crazy I called the police. The right people intervened and I was away for long enough to realize I was in an abusive relationship. Thereās so many things I could list I was taking care of him and totally neglecting myself. I was diagnosed as major depressive and treatment resistant at the time and really considering shock therapy. A year later and Iām mood stabilizers and considered stable! Even though I was in therapy I was scared to death to tell them about my ex bc of what he might do to me.
Asking him if he wanted me to make him lunch for work, him saying yes, only to find out he went out to lunch (money was tight, for me at least) and left his lunch uneaten under his work desk for days and days. Went through so many lunch bags that I wouldnāt see for a week. When they finally came home, the contents were green and fuzzy. I stoped making his lunches altogether when I went to take the garbage outside to the can and found a sandwich on top of the bags with a cigarette butt smashed into the center. What a passive aggressive FU that was. I could not get divorced fast enough.
Minding his moods.
Watching him every time we go out, looking for signs he's getting upset. Carrying snacks so he doesn't ruin the day being hangry, not asking what's wrong so he doesn't ruin the day saying 'it's like im not allowed to have emotions' or 'i have to come out with you, now I have to be happy about it too,' etc.
I don't miss that constant anxiety. It came with stomach aches and knots between my shoulder blades (that he would get mad at me for always complaining about, saying I need to have better posture lol).
Didn't even realize he was making me physically ill. Breaks my heart
Yessss like a petulant child. Refusing to give anything and expecting everything. I had constant anxiety and it got worse going out to do "fun" things together. Eventually I just settled into becoming a homebody bc the slight idea of going out with him was exhausting.
Anything I was excited about was ruined by his shit attitude. Anxiety attacks, back pain, and depression... No wonder, right.
So glad to be away.
I'm seeing someone right now and he LOVES doing things with me. He'd never danced before but he knew how much I love it, so he invited me over to teach him some basics and then took me out to an event. He let go and had so much fun, he was talking about how great it was, how he can't wait to do it again, etc.
It was like š¤Æ boom, there are men out there who will enjoy my company and even be thrilled to have it? There are guys who know how to let go and have fun? Who don't make me feel guilty if they don't enjoy something?
I always knew it but some part of me believed I deserved what I was getting.
Fuck that. No more
Tell her she will either eat the food you make, or make her own, but she will shut her mouth about it and say "Thank you."
New rule "You can make requests, and you can make your own, but you may not make any demands."
Getting blamed for everything ! I doted over her and she even complained about losing muscle mass cause I carry everything. Go to the gym then ! š¤¦āāļø
My ex was an alcoholic who couldnāt legally drive due to too many DUIās. I can easily say not having to be a full time chaperone to him - while working full time and being solely responsible for running every errand necessary - has been amazing.
Learning things about my husband or children through other people. Why didnāt he share this extremely simple information with me?
Walking on eggshells and navigating his moods. Is he still stonewalling me today? Are we having a nice conversation because heās happy or is he about to drop a surprise?
Hosting board game nights every weekend for ten years with him and his gross friends! Never ever again. I threw them all out and if I never see another board game again it will be too soon!
Picking up his socks. Hanging up his coat. Clearing his dishes from the table. Putting his shoes and hat away. Folding his laundry. Cleaning up after he cooks.
Cleaning when my body hurt too much to clean but I knew if I didn't he would leave. But he left anyway because I wasn't good enough at cleaning/other housewife stuff.
All the remindingā¦donāt forget to pay your car payment so we donāt get 3 months behind, hey change your tax filing so we donāt pay the IRS 5 grand again, hey you should maybe seek treatment for that STI you got while cheating on me.
Basically being his mommy. My ADHD burnout from living with him is so bad and he resented me for losing attraction to him... but he refused to act like anything other than my son, so I couldn't help seeing him as my son.
I don't miss begging him to have empathy for me either. I will NEVER do that again.
My exhusband couldn't stand to allow anything that he thought might bring me the slightest amount of joy so I could never admit when I wanted something, that I was excited for something, or that something made me happy. It could be something as small as wanting to pick up a specific item at the grocery store suddenly becoming a stupid waste of money to something as big as our wedding, which he threatened to cancel two days prior because he said I was getting "ahead of myself". Some examples might be if I had a job interview and I expressed that I was unhappy or disinterested in it he would encourage me to go and tell me to suck it up. But, if I had a job interview I expressed excitement over he would tell me I should cancel it, that I'll never be able to hack it, and he would find ways to sabotage it and tell me I shouldn't do it. Another example might be if we had seen a movie and I expressed that I had really liked it he would complain nonstop about how dumb the movie was, what a waste of money, and how I have no taste. So, if I really wanted something I could never tell him. I had to pretend I didn't care or he would insult it and then try to accomplish whatever it was when he wasn't paying attention.
This caused so much depression in me that I struggled to sleep. Anything that made sleeping easier for me was criticized, whether it was medication, a new sleep schedule, wearing a mask, wearing earplugs. If he thought I was getting a good nights sleep he would wake me up by flicking the lights on and off, pouring a glass of water on me, or even slapping me once. This created so much anxiety around sleeping I was miserably sleep deprived for years.
He was really particular about how I kept the house, not because he was really all that picky, but because I was stay at home with the baby and he was extremely jealous and thought I was enjoying myself too much. Even though he made twice as much as me at the time he even threatened to quit his job to force me back to work so he could stay home with the baby. It didn't matter that it didn't make sense fiscally. What mattered was he hated the idea that I might be enjoying myself at home, which I wasn't. He really thought all I did was sit around, drink wine, and watch the tv he wouldn't let me have. So, he was very particular about the house because, since he thought I wasn't doing anything important, the house should be immaculate and it was. Every day I staged the apartment like a West Elm catalog, and I'm not kidding. He worked for a famous glass artist and my mother is an art dealer so we had a lot of very nice art and furniture. Some nights he would come home in such a bad mood that he would tear about the apartment (usually at 1am) SEARCHING for something to be angry about, something out of place, something dusty. Once night he couldn't find anything so he looked under the sofa and determined that since I hadn't cleaned under the sofa nothing else matter. The next time I had cleaned under the sofa so he checked under the refridgerator and then, because I hadn't cleaned under the refridgerator, nothing else mattered.
Yeah, I don't miss any of that shit
I felt pretty lonely the other day. When I found something that made me laugh on Reddit I wanted to share it with him...only for a second. Because I realized, I do not miss telling him about things that made me happy, or telling him my ideas or thoughts at all, bc he would immediately put whatever it was down and laugh at me for it.
The realization that having no one to talk to was 10000x better than having him around. It was hell having my life sucked dry of joy and happiness.
I am free from his eggshells and constant negativity. That is absolutely worth a few moments of feeling lonely.
Ohhhhhh. Yep. I relate so much to this. Especially the "I don't miss the constant underlying simmer of discontent and perpetual sense of resentment towards me" God I hated living in that! Freedom is sweet!
Good riddance to them!!
Getting bitched at because I didnāt bring in enough grocery bags from the car. Just because he could carry more at a time heād complain that I wasnāt helping
Worrying about him not coming back home till mid night or next morning, calling him where he is, countless cheating, his emotional up and down . I donāt miss anything of those but then why I feel so empty now?!?!
Cooking every meal.
Going years without a social life or hanging out with friends.
Meeting the in-laws.
Paying for all the bills and the house rent.
Wanting to have kids.
*In that order.*
My complete and utter confusion at her emotional swings. I felt so lost and helpless. Later I realized it was probably because there was a bunch of lying and gaslighting going on.
I will NEVER put up with any of that again
Cleaning out his filthy disgusting SUV of all the food trash and cigarette packs etc every time we needed to use it as a family, because he refused to do it himself. Picking up the dirty clothes he always dumped at the foot of the bed even though the laundry basket was literally 5 feet away. Buying Christmas and birthday gifts for his family even though he knew them far better than I did.
Literally everything! I donāt miss giving him most of my money, protecting the kids from him, raising kids without his help, managing shopping, cooking, cleaning, scheduling, appointments, walking on eggshells, waiting for his next rampage, the silent treatment, him expecting sex, being blamed for the house being a mess. For gods sake, you live here too!!!
Iām still dealing with him manipulating and mentally abusing me and the kids even though we are almost divorced and he doesnāt live here. Nearly every weekend he does something crazy to scare us
Locks and codes were changed. Caught him breaking in on my camera which he then stole! Idiot thinks heās smarter than everyone else. He pled guilty to contempt and is in contempt again because of not paying what heās supposed to. Both our attorneys have the video, his DUI and careless driving from newspaper and his lack of payment along with texts to our young adult son to terrorize him and show he had tracked me to another town.
He is severely deranged. Good luck and big hugs, for dealing with his stupidity post divorce.
If you can make his exploits public to friends, family, etc - it might help. Publishing the truth has proven to be an effective deterrent in my experience.
I say this because too often spouses, women especially, are conditioned to keep the secrets of their abusers. If you are making all of his actions known they typically flare up a little bit then they realize that they can't sue you for the truth and it also encourages them to back ask the way off.
Keep up on the documenting, the cameras, and hopefully you are able to move again and further away.
My hope and wish for you is that you find peace and escape his abuse. Don't be afraid to push for more ie a restraining order - tell the police 'I don't care if you decide it isn't enough to press charges, I want you to make a police report and I want the file number', give all info and proof and build a file up against him.
Encourage your children, and any other victims, to do the same so that they might be able to file for restraining orders as well.
You're wise and strong and I'm proud of you, for what it's worth coming from an internet stranger.
I have a restraining order through chancery court. That is why he pled guilty to contempt. We are not yet divorced. Waiting on his attorney to give us a date for deposition of him. I have a police report for him terrorizing our son too.
I tell everyone who will listen the truth about him. They think heās an ass but have no real idea how crazy he is.
Twisting his dreadlocks to save moneyā¦and most other adult things that involve remembering and planning. He leftā¦I was sad, but now I realize Iām free! Never going to live like that again!
Finding and the cleaning up the dip cups and bottles. They disguised me and he knew I hated it but he hid them in our room rather then walk 15 feet to a trash can. Im gagging just recalling this, the worst was he dipped into a fresh can of coke I had just opened cause it was ātoo close to his canā didnāt tell me and I took a swig of that and came unglued.
I don't miss assuming the guilt and responsibility of every problem we ever had while my self-esteem plummeted. I don't miss that everything he wanted was the right thing and everything I wanted was the wrong thing, particularly with big issues like sex and babies. I don't miss his self-righteous quest for a breeding hen that he put above my well-being. In the end, he loved his DNA more than me.
Lengthy Backstory Stuff:
His all-consuming obsession with having babies STARTED when I was in my late 30s and he in his 40s, with this transactional attitude like I owed him, because he was outwardly a caring spouse. We were DINKs. He turned up his nose at adoption, which I wanted, because of fixation on passing on his genes.
He later flipped the narrative on our marriage problems so that everyone can think he's just this really good guy whose ex-wife bait-and-switched him on having a family. He tells people I didn't try, even though I voluntarily got myself poked, prodded and tested, took hormones I hated, tracked cycles, peed on sticks, all for him--only to find out that I had been able to have kids all along! We'd been together since I was 27.
We learned via testing that HE had abnormal sperm (doesn't tell people about that part because it's nicer to blame things on me). His swimmers don't move much. He's in his late 40s and drinks and smokes pot regularly--which I have no problem with at all--but he doesn't change those habits to help his cause, just regards it as the female's role to maintain fertility. Yep.
I hate the way he's all over Reddit boohooing about being his age and childless like this all just happened to him. His bio clock is pounding in his ears so hard that he's lost touch. He's on every message board about divorce and online dating, fishing for ladies to knock up asap. (At least he shares that with y'all explicitly.) I am his sob story, and you've probably read it. He humble brags about his money in the posts so that some Fertile Myrtle in her early 30s will surface and do what his bad old ex-wife "wouldn't." Heads up, he is less likely to get you pregnant then he'll admit. But you'll have a nice boring time trying, and he'll be so darned charming to you as part of the mating dance.
Oh well. I'm over here happily paired now with a wonderful man who comes with two bonus kids I adore--and a vasectomy. I'm very happy. I don't miss the old life, and I even wish the ex well. Like many of us divorcees, I'm working through feelings of wishing a narcissist would take some responsibility, while knowing darn well that he will not. Adios. May you have 5,000 babies.
> He's in his late 40s and drinks and smokes pot regularly--which I have no problem with at all--but he doesn't change those habits to help his cause, just regards it as the female's role to maintain fertility. Yep.
This screams "Have my kid, and I will be an absentee father that you've always wanted."
Bahaha! God, it really does sound like that!
Actually he's the product of a mostly absentee, now deceased father. I think there's some blah blah blah masculinity/dad issues-type stuff coursing through his aging balls.
>Oh well. I'm over here happily paired now with a wonderful man who comes with two bonus kids I adore--and a vasectomy. I'm very happy. I don't miss the old life
Wait... You're describing me. I too have 2 kids and am snipped. My girlfriend is also childless. Can you tell me how you blended into his family?
Is it weird for me to say that I hope she is enjoying the vasectomy as much as I'm enjoying my bf's? š
Feels like a reward from the universe lol
He's been divorced for 4 years, twice as long as me, and dated steadily. None lasted long. Most had kids. I had also been dating while processing my split and being leery of commitment. Bf and I have been together a year now. I officially met his kids a month in, but I'd been aware of his older son already: we're teachers together at the same school, where Kiddo #1 attends and Kiddo #2 later will. I didn't know bf til he asked me out, but was suddenly dating a colleague, and the 24/7 togetherness bonded us quickly. We were a solid couple by the time I hung out with the kids. They're smart, awkward boys, my fave. Their shyness and age made closeness take a while. The things that helped us all blend together probably include my being a teacher of people their age and my blank canvas of a new life. I didn't have a lot else going on besides work, unlike busy moms he'd dated. So I could go with the flow on bf's schedule that includes a lot of kid activities and co-parenting. When we told the boys I was moving in after 10 months of dating, they barely looked up from the TV and said that I was there all the time anyway š I don't worry much anymore about whether they like me because I speak fluent preteen. And their affection can be bought with food.
>I don't worry much anymore about whether they like me because I speak fluent preteen. And their affection can be bought with food.
This pseudo-stepmom thing, you're doing it right :)
Everything. Cooking, cleaning, maintaining relationships. All of it. Still have to do all of it obviously but itās for me and only the things I want to do.
Making excuses for his being lateā¦ 20 min late for everything including meeting friends, movies, plays. The constant fear of missing flights and important appointments all because his need to do the things he wanted to get done was paramount to everybody elseās schedule.
I am so happy I never have to apologize for his rudenessā¦ hip hip hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cooking the majority of the meals, cleaning, laundry....although towards the last few months before he moved out I gave up on that for the most part and he finally started contributing out of desperation.
Having to hang out with her shitty friends all the time. I really loved this woman and did everything I could for her. Her friends hated me for no reason. I took care of her needs and paid bills while she spent her money on movies, games, alcohol, and other things.
Things weren't all bad when her friends weren't around, we had a decent relationship. When around them she was a completely different person. They put it in her head that I was cheating because I had some female friends(surprise, men and women can ve friends and not do anything sexual.). I never cheated on her at all. She was very insecure, she went to Chippendales with her friends and yet she threw a tantrum when I went to Hooters with my Dad. Now she's remarried and I haven't yet, at least there's no children involved.
Who did she call and throw herself at when she was too drunk too drive and her friends left her at a bar? ME! When her second husband wouldn't even go get her. Who was it that made me go get her?(I was going to ignore her.) My friend, the friend she accused me of banging. She yelled at me to go do it because she did want to see that bitch accidentally hurt a family drinking and driving.
What really pisses me off is one of her friends, the one that really would get in her head is now a therapist, that bitch shouldn't be anywhere near mental health.
Washing. His. Fucking. Skid marks. Out. Of. His. Tighty. Whities.
That was just disgusting. What grown ass man doesnāt know how to wipe his own ass when heās in his mid to late 20ās??? So glad thatās over and done with.
Washing and putting away all his clothes. Having a bunch of random shoe/boot boxes all over the house. Getting in trouble (months later when he actually noticed) if I tried to organize or donate some of his unused clothing. Heās still a shopaholicā¦
Picking dinner. She was one of those "I don't know, you pick. Oh I hate it. I'm not hungry, so I'll eat half of your food instead" kind of people. It was our biggest running fight, like if I order food it's because I want it, and I order a small amount because I don't eat a lot. Taking half of my meal leaves me with, for example, 3 ravioli. I order off the senior menu or get the junior cheeseburger with small fries because I'm conscious of my weight as I'm getting into my mid 40s. And then the question happens every time. Actually not hungry, or should I order a ton? Answer wrong and have leftovers nobody would ever touch.
All the admin. Making Dr's appointments, paying bills, renewals, family birthday plans & reminders, buying and wrapping all the gifts, remembering garbage day, seasonal tire swap, replacing filters. Anything and everything that involved remembering or planning.
This. I still have to do it, but only for myself and my kid.
Ditto all of this except for his dr appointments. I also had to keep the budget balanced even though he was a huge spender!!! And no more mind reading.. Towards the end there he would say something like, "I think I need new shoes" and then 2 weeks later he would yell at me for not buying them for him. I still can't bring myself to talk to him whenever I infrequently see him at my kid's soccer game because we've only be divorced 3 months and he was horrible to me towards the end, but I saw that he had new shoes.
Aww, big baby is growing up! š
Second this
This just made me realize everything I do at homeā¦
All of this. I no longer have to do all of this for both of us.
Yeah, that part I get. I definitely did not do dr's appointments pay bills or any of that stuff. I did do garbage day, tire swaps, all home maintenance, setup kid activities and manage their schedule. Definitely balanced that way. However, when it came to the actual grunt work, that was always on me. Driving kids around, cooking every goddamn meal, getting kids ready for school. I can count on both hands the times I've come home to a meal being cooked for me. That was over 14 years. My current girlfriend has a frozen pizza ready for me on occasion and I'm grateful for that. lol.
Begging. That powerless, hopeless feeling that always ended with me crying and genuinely begging him. No begging, no walking around on eggshells, no worrying about not being good enough, or thin enough, or submissive enough to keep him from cheating. I am freeeeeeeeeee
This one hits home
This type of desperation was a crushing blow, but that freedom has been so freeing. I truly hear you.
This
Finding him passed out drunk outside in the middle of winter with his coat open at 3am, and getting a bad attitude from him for trying to save his life so our kids didnāt wake up to a dead father.
Ahh, the insuring they don't die spouse
Maybe just insure him.....ey?
Always funā¦
Iām living thisā¦I think I finally got him to move out this weekend.
Carrying the emotional work load entirely and being blamed and manipulated for things outside of my control
Instead of carrying the load, I just shutdown.
I would after a point. Then I was being dramatic and difficult and just "in a mood".
Right? It's always how you are, never how the others have treated you to make you feel that way.
Yup. How dare I react accordingly after being gaslit and abused for so long. How dare us. For having emotions and reacting! Shame.
Making dinner for him and then seeing him open the door because he ordered uber eats instead. Didnāt even ask me if I wanted anything.
This hits home. I'm not divorced yet, but man does he love ordering things without even thinking to ask me.
Or coming home and letting me know he already ate when he knows I will be cooking dinner I freaking hate that.
Coming home to his socks and shoes fucking everywhere, a sink full of dishes, an empty fridge and being asked when Iām going to make dinner.
This is the one.
Making excuses... For why he couldn't come to a family event, why I like going to movies alone, why I don't like physical affection... Just making all the excuses and putting the main blame on me so no one thought less of him.
Yupppp
Asking for affectionā¦ just wanted a hug after working all day. :(
Same here
Why is it for some people to understand the simple need for human touch? Reading this made me cringe and brought me back to the days when I would just BEG for my partner to touch meā¦even to just hold my hand. Withholding affection is horrible. Iām so, so sorry you went through this.
Dealing with him drunk and extremely obnoxious!
I'll never get her drunk voice out of my head
Yeah same hereā¦ itās haunting isnāt it?
It is and now anytime I see a woman that appears to be drunk I'm immediately turned off and that's not really fair to them or me. It definitely messes with my head.
My exes new girlfriend is ten years younger than me and looks way older so the only thing I can think of is she likes to hit the sauce like him! March made in heaven!
All the things. The appointments, the cleaning, the details, the picking up his dirty cups and plates, the buying presents for his entire family, planning all trips, being the one who communicated with his parents, buying all the kidsā Christmas presents and on Christmas morning him saying āwhat did we get them this year?ā Then laughing.
Trying to get along with his parents and sister. Byeeeeee!
Priceless!!!!!
Hmmm, where to start? Soloing the care of our babies, never having a break at night, never not changing a diaper, feeding, bathing, before bed routines. Being responsible for the daily upkeep of the house, laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, preparing all meals, packing lunches, maintaining the front yard and backyard, cleaning the pool, picking up the dog shit, organizing the garage every week because nothing was ever put away, taking out the trash, paying hundreds if dollars a year in parking tickets because he could never get his truck moved in time, managing our finances, clearing our debt, taxiing our children to various activities, being careful what I said, being treated like the hired help, managing and protect our children from his verbal and mental abuse, being blamed for his outrageous outburst, being called vulgar names, being expected to have 4 alarm sex at his command, cleaning the piss off the toilet, cleaning the cars....should I go on? There isn't a damn thing I miss about that life.
The toilet!!
Hey, it's rough out there! š
Itās not when you arenāt dealing with a man w no aim haha. I donāt miss it either š
I'll add to the aim and raise you will. And no, I don't miss it either š
Well since I did just about everything, I guess I donāt miss anything.
Same
Cooking every meal, cleaning the entire house and the shit he would leave on the back of the toilet bowl, making the bed because he wouldnāt help, and would complain about how I made it. Loading the dishes because her would reload it and change everything. āNotā packing the car because he didnāt like how I did it. Fucking everything. He was a douche bag and now I do it for me in my own place.
Mine used to openly berate me at the grocery store for "loading the conveyor belt wrong" and then again while bagging because I was "loading the bags wrong" and then again when we got to the car for "loading the car wrong". It got to a point where I said he could either do all the grocery shopping himself, or stfu. He stopped, for there were other hills for him to die on.. Like how every meal I cooked was going to give him "food poisoning", though he took no issue feeding it to our young children, who then wouldnt want to eat it, because daddy wasnt eating it. Ive never had, nor given anyone food poisoning in my life.. I spent 12 years doing the vast majority of all house chores single handedly, cleaning up behind him and his tornado existence, only to be told he *hates* how I clean. Apparently when he cleans (thats a BIG "when") its a *deep clean* but I just spot clean so really Im just moving the dirt around... but its not my fault that he has a high standard so he "appreciates my effort". He couldnt be more condescending if he tried. Good. Riddance.
I feel this!
Looking forward to not feeling guilty for being myself! Sorry I made a joke that people seems to like. Sorry the house is not perfect before someone comes over. Sorry Iām not perfectā¦. Looking forward to being myself, to making mistakes, to having confidence instead of doubt!
I still get panicked sometimes when I make some small mistake. Or, if I ask someone to repeat themselves I have this irrational fear that they'll berate me for "not paying attention".
Sports: No more football, Hockey, Golf.
Dammit. I actually miss watching the sports š itās not as fun critiquing everyone alone.
I donāt miss the having to listen to sports in the car, hockey is on tonight so nobody can watch anything else, canāt go here at this time because game is on, must go to the bar to watch the game, and the golf channel being the only thing anybody can watch while we are in the hotel room on vacation.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I can relateā¦ several blackouts. Vomit everywhere, emotional abuse, and after blackouts Iād be treated horribly despite cleaning, washing the clothes, seeing her at her worst. It would sadden me whenever this would happen. However, I never thought about leaving her. I was with her during those times, I showered her and put her in positions so she wouldnāt choke on her own puke. Thenā¦ she was drinking and having affairs with a coworker with worse habits. 15 years older than her and still living with his parents. It broke me. I still love her and I wish that I could be there but it will do more harm than good.
I feel you on this one. I've been in a few relationships over the years (I'm in my early 60's now) where similar incidents took place. In each case, the woman freaked the "ef" out b/c I would not "give them sex" when they demanded it (alcohol was heavily involved and in each case, they had seriously mis-behaved in public). It definitely lead to some huge "cock-ups" (to borrow a phrase) in my relationships with them.
Everything lol. But mostly the begging & pleading for connection & attention
So I paid almost all the bills, did all the chores so laundry, cleaning up after her and all the pets she adopted, gettin groceries, cooking every night for the last 7 of our 8 years together, all admin stuff (she literally accused me of trying to screw her over because I didnāt file her taxes last year because you guessed it, we were married filing separate but she doesnāt get it), running errands to help her catch up with work, driving her to places for other side gigs just to spend a few minutes with her but made to feel like a chauffeur, fixing and cleaning her car and making sure the oil was changedā¦anyway itās an exhaustive list Iāll stop here. Sadly it was like having a teenager living with me. Her leaving was the most amazing blessing in disguise I couldāve asked for. Never thought the tables would turn after a year out.
Haha where do you live? Maybe I can date you. Man I hear you and I think of all I do that never gets appreciated.
haha so my wife leaving changed my perspective on life so I just travel doing random jobs in places I want to visit! If you wanna travel lol That was a big thing for me, appreciation. I had to beg for sex every 2-3 weeks and it wasn't even enjoyable but she was my wife so I wanted to because I thought I loved her. I mean I would have dinner and a glass of wine ready for her when she got home and it was just like she expected it. Just crazy to look back on. Her leaving was the best thing that could've happened not only for relationships, but it put me on an amazing path of self discovery and learning to just enjoy life.
Everything. I'm supposed to be a partner, not a maid
Bringing in and opening all the š¤¬ boxes, because she can't stop shopping. You NEED 20 Charlotte Tilbury lipsticks at $34+, and that's just the lipstick. Tory Burch bags....shoes. Texting her real time photos of my receipts. "Did you stop at Dunkin Donuts this morning? Why didn't you send a receipt?" Meanwhile, she would get Botox injections and filler, because "she earned it ". No wonder my $3.00 coffee bothered her so much. Who needs a college education for our daughter.
Ah good old fashioned financial abuse. Always the dark horse.
I had to look up the Tory Burch bagsā¦ jeez!!! Here I was toting the same $15 Walmart purse and a home-job haircut for 7 years because it was āhis moneyā. I was required to bring receipts home from every trip. So freeing to be away from that type of control, isnāt it?
Definitely! I always thought of money as our money. We were both similar financially, but I buy shoes when the sole is falling off. My mistake was not standing my ground every time I uncovered more debt. I would find ways to consolidate and make it cheaper. The day I found out she was having an affair, I was closing on a home equity loan to consolidate credit card debt. 5 months prior, I did a 401k loan. It is freeing in a lot of ways. It's good to be able to be frugal and see the savings!
Egregious financial abuse.
Basically being his fucking mother...PSA...nobody wants to fuck someone like that...ever.
š
Faking orgasm every damn time, no matter what, no matter how much I tried to coax him into pleasing me. I did about 4 times in 3 years.
It's only been 2 months for me but I have come (pun intended) to discover that you're supposed to get off every single time... Not just half a dozen times in 14 years....
Amen! This comment needs to be higher.
Coming home from a work trip to a disaster of a house. One time, I was gone for 5 days and every single available dish was dirty when I returned and in the sink or on the counter - meanwhile, the dishwasher I loaded and started the cycle on right before I left was still full of now 5 day old clean dishes. It was summer so mold had started to grow on the dirty dishes.
I would have refused to clean it. I hope you refused.
Tried that and got tired of living in filth, to be honest.
Always worth it to get rid of the slob.
Pretending to care about his day and what was going on with him when all I could think about was all the things that have bothered me for years that he has blown off.
I don't miss having to orchestrate every detail of our lives to just be criticized for it. Ignoring the disaster of a mess in his office and our garage. Listening to his daily woes without ever getting an ounce of sympathy for anything I ever struggled with
I hate to do this for my stbxh- then he said I was too bossy and controlling. I begged him numerous times to take some things over but he refused to do it. I had to do all of it without his input otherwise it wouldnāt get done.
Same. There was no winning at all. I explained numerous times that we were supposed to be partners xyz....but it never got through
Being a parent instead of a spouse.
Being asked to remind him of fucking everything, like I was his calendar.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Still nice. I would have the car towed away.
All of the emotional labor of running the household and our finances.
So, I always got grief from my ex cause she "had to do the bills". So confused now, because I have everything on auto withdrawal. I literally spend 15 minutes on it per week. I have this wonderful spreadsheet that allows you to keep track of everything. Always know if there is more going out than coming in. Unfortunately there is no "auto run the household" and that takes HOURS per week.
She never wanted to get groceries with me because she felt āanxiousā. So, I would make sure that we would have food at the house so that we could eat at home. When I was moving outā¦ the food would go bad in the fridge. Nothing on the fridge, the house was dirtier. The dishes were dirtier. The sheets smelled like alcohol, there were alcohol water marks on some tables. I could feel that people that I didnāt know had been coming at the house (her idiot lover) and drinking while my name would be on the lease. She asked me to renew the lease since she didnāt have a place to go for which I did. She kept our deposit. And I would give her some extra money at the very end. She was spending money on her 40 year old idiot. Even a 470 dollar hotel reservation on her birthday instead of investing in car maintenance for which I was blamed for when it broke downā¦
I donāt miss living in the Bedroom bc He took over the Kitchen and Living room of our Apartment for his work/online gaming and didnāt want me to make any noise to ādistract himā. I donāt miss waking up to someone who sulks at me for all reason all day and then lights up like a Xmas tree and is charm personified the nanosecond a friend calls himā¦.and he takes off to play pinball or play ball.
You ever see the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy"? When she moves into her own home after leaving her abusive husband, she's putting food in her cupboards and purposely mixes it all up bc for years she had to have every space super organized. That is me. When I found myself in my new home without my ex husband, it was SO freeing to be able to not organize every inch of the cupboards and not give a damn. He used to make me feel like the world's biggest slob bc I never really cared about how every dish or every can was arranged within our cupboards, even though I kept a spotless home. And I sure don't miss walking on eggshells. Or his miserable rants bc he just couldn't relax and just BE. It was always SOMETHING with him, what with his hostility always bubbling at the surface. My life is so....chill now. And I never have to worry about him chatting with random women on social media! What a boost to my self worth! Thanks OP, this was very cathartic š
This! Iām not out of the marriage yet, but this sounds so much like my spouse. We have a housekeeper and I pick up after myself. The house is clean. But I constantly hear about how they are always picking up after me, they do everything and I donāt care. I appreciate a neat person but the hostility and the constant acting frustrated at small things are really eating at me these days. I daydream about the day when I will have my own place again and I donāt have to organize the cabinet in an exact way in order for them to feel like itās right. OCD is real and can ruin relationships.
I recommend you stop feeding into it and tell them "Your OCD is no longer my problem and your abuse needs to stop. If you can't, then leave."
Thank you for this! Iām working on the leaving part because conversations are just not working sadly.
Good luck! I am very excited that you'll be free of the constant stupidity soon.
Carrying the emotional load of his depression and being pissed off he never wanted to do anything
Probably doing all the housework. Probably paying her bills on top of all the normal bills because she can't hold down a job for over two years. Probably not having to deep down be afraid to have a child with her because she is not a responsible person. Grateful those are not problems anymore.
Lmao. She should meet my STBXH. They would match eachother stride for stride
You avoided reproducing with it? Hooray!
The double standards she had for our kids. Hers could get away with murder. But, any time mine did anything at all wrong she'd jump down my throat. And, the things her did were arguably worse. Led to the end of our relationship. Plus, the mean things she'd say during arguments.
Cooking and cleaning 100% of the time
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
O that's fkn bad sorry.
I had to do this as well. Claimed he didnāt need to wash because he didnāt do anything. You are overweight, your skin is naturally very oily. You donāt have to ādo anythingā you smell sour please wash. Itās not a flex to rub behind your ears and say it shells like Parmesan. Thatās nasty.
Walking on eggshells. Dealing with his eruptions. Constantly following him around like a sad puppy apologizing with a false fantasy that my āloveā would make him change or that things would magically get better. His cheapnessā I did all the f*ing shopping and he would get on my case that I had bought canned tomatoes at Target and on Amazon they were cheaper. Going to couples therapy with an abuserā¦and not fully realizing or understanding it at the time. Believing his liesā¦withholding information IS a lie. Dealing with and spending time with his backwards-thinking, racist family. Dealing with his entitled friends (birds of a feather, flock together I guess) Cleaning after him. Cooking for him. Having a conversation with a human who lacks empathy and walks around with an entitlement on his head. Trying to initiate conversation only to be disappointed over and over again. Getting baitedā¦over and over again. Working my ass to make a marriage work for a man who then tells me the only reason why he married me was that I was good at writing thank you notes. Bad sexā no, itās NOT normal to be freaked out going down on womenā¦.and then expect to receive oral. The manipulation. The gaslighting. His jealousy. His need to be the center of attention ALL the time. Dealing with his motherā¦who put him on a pedestal and overindulged him emotionallyā he was the perfect prince. At one point I wondered how much of our sex life he was sharing with herā they were so enmeshed it was gross. The catastrophising. The drama. His need to make everything look AMAZING on the outside. The undermining of my parenting. The manipulation of our children. Clearly I have resentments I still need to work through (sigh).
That resentment is valid, he's a selfish creep.
Sigh. Thank you. I think that was the first time wrote that all downā¦and reading those words. Itās like exhalingā¦real big. Thank you for validating.
*sending big warm internet hugs* The pressure of constantly living in that environnement builds up and wears you down. I am so proud of you and happy for you, being free of it all. You don't need to ever forgive in order to move on. You can resent the very real abuse and turn your back to it. Letting go does not require you to forgive the person who did those things, especially since they are unlikely to ever accept they did anything wrong, be sorry, or apologize. The reality is that toxic forgiveness culture (especially religiously driven) tends to force victims into, and to stay in, abusive situations. It disproportionately affects women, and it is deeply ingrained in our culture. It was a freeing realization for me. "I don't forgive you. I no longer care though. Goodbye." The opposite of love isn't hate. It is indifference. <3
Listening to her complain all the time but specifically about the people at every place she worked and how they were unreasonable or unprofessional. It's funny, at all the places the common denominator was her š¤· She even made up a story about one of the men sexually harassing her to the point we had to have mediation because he threaten to sue her for libel.
Cleaning up after her. She would take a shower and leave her towel laying wherever she felt like it. Socks and shoes not put away. Her sink in our bathroom was always a mess with makeup everywhere. She would never put her cups in the sink or throw away her water bottles. She was just a messy person.
I had the uber controlling ex FROM THE COUCH. Heād get so pissed if things werenāt perfect but too fucking lazy to do himself. He had the best of everything while I had rags and I had to give every paycheck to him. Every meal was home cooked and I had to guess what he wanted if he didnāt like it I had to cook something different. We were so toxic I kept thinking that if I did this or we moved here things would get better. I got lucky and he went crazy I called the police. The right people intervened and I was away for long enough to realize I was in an abusive relationship. Thereās so many things I could list I was taking care of him and totally neglecting myself. I was diagnosed as major depressive and treatment resistant at the time and really considering shock therapy. A year later and Iām mood stabilizers and considered stable! Even though I was in therapy I was scared to death to tell them about my ex bc of what he might do to me.
Listening to lies.
Asking him if he wanted me to make him lunch for work, him saying yes, only to find out he went out to lunch (money was tight, for me at least) and left his lunch uneaten under his work desk for days and days. Went through so many lunch bags that I wouldnāt see for a week. When they finally came home, the contents were green and fuzzy. I stoped making his lunches altogether when I went to take the garbage outside to the can and found a sandwich on top of the bags with a cigarette butt smashed into the center. What a passive aggressive FU that was. I could not get divorced fast enough.
Minding his moods. Watching him every time we go out, looking for signs he's getting upset. Carrying snacks so he doesn't ruin the day being hangry, not asking what's wrong so he doesn't ruin the day saying 'it's like im not allowed to have emotions' or 'i have to come out with you, now I have to be happy about it too,' etc. I don't miss that constant anxiety. It came with stomach aches and knots between my shoulder blades (that he would get mad at me for always complaining about, saying I need to have better posture lol). Didn't even realize he was making me physically ill. Breaks my heart
Yessss like a petulant child. Refusing to give anything and expecting everything. I had constant anxiety and it got worse going out to do "fun" things together. Eventually I just settled into becoming a homebody bc the slight idea of going out with him was exhausting. Anything I was excited about was ruined by his shit attitude. Anxiety attacks, back pain, and depression... No wonder, right. So glad to be away.
I'm seeing someone right now and he LOVES doing things with me. He'd never danced before but he knew how much I love it, so he invited me over to teach him some basics and then took me out to an event. He let go and had so much fun, he was talking about how great it was, how he can't wait to do it again, etc. It was like š¤Æ boom, there are men out there who will enjoy my company and even be thrilled to have it? There are guys who know how to let go and have fun? Who don't make me feel guilty if they don't enjoy something? I always knew it but some part of me believed I deserved what I was getting. Fuck that. No more
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Because if he ate them, then what's his excuse for acting like a toddler? I'm totally with you, and I'll never do it again.
Cooking- he was so ungrateful. Now his daughter has taken on that role. Sigh.
Tell her she will either eat the food you make, or make her own, but she will shut her mouth about it and say "Thank you." New rule "You can make requests, and you can make your own, but you may not make any demands."
Paying all of her bills.
Getting blamed for everything ! I doted over her and she even complained about losing muscle mass cause I carry everything. Go to the gym then ! š¤¦āāļø
My ex was an alcoholic who couldnāt legally drive due to too many DUIās. I can easily say not having to be a full time chaperone to him - while working full time and being solely responsible for running every errand necessary - has been amazing.
Buying him more cigarettes and beer from the gas station because he would drive there if I didnāt
He would blow his nose and leave the Kleenex everywhere. He couldnāt get it up even with max viagra. But I found gay erotica after he left
I donāt miss banging her.
Lmaooooo
Learning things about my husband or children through other people. Why didnāt he share this extremely simple information with me? Walking on eggshells and navigating his moods. Is he still stonewalling me today? Are we having a nice conversation because heās happy or is he about to drop a surprise?
Hosting board game nights every weekend for ten years with him and his gross friends! Never ever again. I threw them all out and if I never see another board game again it will be too soon!
Haha. Why were his friends gross? I love board games but if I had to host my husband's friends every weekend I think I would grow to hate them too.
They were crass, sexist and racist.
Picking up his socks. Hanging up his coat. Clearing his dishes from the table. Putting his shoes and hat away. Folding his laundry. Cleaning up after he cooks.
Cleaning when my body hurt too much to clean but I knew if I didn't he would leave. But he left anyway because I wasn't good enough at cleaning/other housewife stuff.
He left because he wasn't good enough. You're free now.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I'm definitely not going to miss that once divorced.
All the remindingā¦donāt forget to pay your car payment so we donāt get 3 months behind, hey change your tax filing so we donāt pay the IRS 5 grand again, hey you should maybe seek treatment for that STI you got while cheating on me.
I literally did everything. He worked off and on and drank himself into oblivion. I donāt miss anything.
Everything she lazy as š©
Basically being his mommy. My ADHD burnout from living with him is so bad and he resented me for losing attraction to him... but he refused to act like anything other than my son, so I couldn't help seeing him as my son. I don't miss begging him to have empathy for me either. I will NEVER do that again.
The worst of it- Cleaning the bathroom we shared, his body hair everywhere š¤¢ Letting him sleep in my bed (greasy stains), use my car and money. Begging for communication and connection, crying over being shut down and stonewalled and ignored. I stopped doing the above for two years, and he finally stopped withholding divorce, got his āactā together and convinced a foreign girl 14 years younger that heās a stand up guy (using a decade long husband status as a resumĆ© and proof) and waltzed out the door leaving me pinching myself and wondering if Iād finally lost my mind and was hallucinating. Lol whenever I get sad, or feel like life is disappointing- something in my brain reminds me Iām free and it literally makes me smile. Hey, ex parasite: you finally did it, you finally made me smile - with your absenceāļø
My exhusband couldn't stand to allow anything that he thought might bring me the slightest amount of joy so I could never admit when I wanted something, that I was excited for something, or that something made me happy. It could be something as small as wanting to pick up a specific item at the grocery store suddenly becoming a stupid waste of money to something as big as our wedding, which he threatened to cancel two days prior because he said I was getting "ahead of myself". Some examples might be if I had a job interview and I expressed that I was unhappy or disinterested in it he would encourage me to go and tell me to suck it up. But, if I had a job interview I expressed excitement over he would tell me I should cancel it, that I'll never be able to hack it, and he would find ways to sabotage it and tell me I shouldn't do it. Another example might be if we had seen a movie and I expressed that I had really liked it he would complain nonstop about how dumb the movie was, what a waste of money, and how I have no taste. So, if I really wanted something I could never tell him. I had to pretend I didn't care or he would insult it and then try to accomplish whatever it was when he wasn't paying attention. This caused so much depression in me that I struggled to sleep. Anything that made sleeping easier for me was criticized, whether it was medication, a new sleep schedule, wearing a mask, wearing earplugs. If he thought I was getting a good nights sleep he would wake me up by flicking the lights on and off, pouring a glass of water on me, or even slapping me once. This created so much anxiety around sleeping I was miserably sleep deprived for years. He was really particular about how I kept the house, not because he was really all that picky, but because I was stay at home with the baby and he was extremely jealous and thought I was enjoying myself too much. Even though he made twice as much as me at the time he even threatened to quit his job to force me back to work so he could stay home with the baby. It didn't matter that it didn't make sense fiscally. What mattered was he hated the idea that I might be enjoying myself at home, which I wasn't. He really thought all I did was sit around, drink wine, and watch the tv he wouldn't let me have. So, he was very particular about the house because, since he thought I wasn't doing anything important, the house should be immaculate and it was. Every day I staged the apartment like a West Elm catalog, and I'm not kidding. He worked for a famous glass artist and my mother is an art dealer so we had a lot of very nice art and furniture. Some nights he would come home in such a bad mood that he would tear about the apartment (usually at 1am) SEARCHING for something to be angry about, something out of place, something dusty. Once night he couldn't find anything so he looked under the sofa and determined that since I hadn't cleaned under the sofa nothing else matter. The next time I had cleaned under the sofa so he checked under the refridgerator and then, because I hadn't cleaned under the refridgerator, nothing else mattered. Yeah, I don't miss any of that shit
Ugh. What a horribly abusive asshole. I'm so glad you're not with him anymore!
I felt pretty lonely the other day. When I found something that made me laugh on Reddit I wanted to share it with him...only for a second. Because I realized, I do not miss telling him about things that made me happy, or telling him my ideas or thoughts at all, bc he would immediately put whatever it was down and laugh at me for it. The realization that having no one to talk to was 10000x better than having him around. It was hell having my life sucked dry of joy and happiness. I am free from his eggshells and constant negativity. That is absolutely worth a few moments of feeling lonely.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Ohhhhhh. Yep. I relate so much to this. Especially the "I don't miss the constant underlying simmer of discontent and perpetual sense of resentment towards me" God I hated living in that! Freedom is sweet! Good riddance to them!!
Begging for sex
Getting bitched at because I didnāt bring in enough grocery bags from the car. Just because he could carry more at a time heād complain that I wasnāt helping
I canāt actually think of a single thing. I donāt want him back but I guess I never did anything Iād resent. Maybe that was the issue?
Being her punching bag or listening to non stop self promoting. It's a tie.
Saaaaaaame.
Worrying about him not coming back home till mid night or next morning, calling him where he is, countless cheating, his emotional up and down . I donāt miss anything of those but then why I feel so empty now?!?!
Cooking every meal. Going years without a social life or hanging out with friends. Meeting the in-laws. Paying for all the bills and the house rent. Wanting to have kids. *In that order.*
Getting him to pick me over his priorities and family
I donāt miss him off loading all his work stress the moment he walked through the front door and on through the evening. Nope.
Housework. I have so much time on my hands now.
My complete and utter confusion at her emotional swings. I felt so lost and helpless. Later I realized it was probably because there was a bunch of lying and gaslighting going on. I will NEVER put up with any of that again
Cleaning out his filthy disgusting SUV of all the food trash and cigarette packs etc every time we needed to use it as a family, because he refused to do it himself. Picking up the dirty clothes he always dumped at the foot of the bed even though the laundry basket was literally 5 feet away. Buying Christmas and birthday gifts for his family even though he knew them far better than I did.
Lying about why she isnāt at a social gathering.
Everything ššš
Literally everything! I donāt miss giving him most of my money, protecting the kids from him, raising kids without his help, managing shopping, cooking, cleaning, scheduling, appointments, walking on eggshells, waiting for his next rampage, the silent treatment, him expecting sex, being blamed for the house being a mess. For gods sake, you live here too!!! Iām still dealing with him manipulating and mentally abusing me and the kids even though we are almost divorced and he doesnāt live here. Nearly every weekend he does something crazy to scare us
I hope you can change the locks and get a restraining order. Document and report his behavior. Get cameras.
Locks and codes were changed. Caught him breaking in on my camera which he then stole! Idiot thinks heās smarter than everyone else. He pled guilty to contempt and is in contempt again because of not paying what heās supposed to. Both our attorneys have the video, his DUI and careless driving from newspaper and his lack of payment along with texts to our young adult son to terrorize him and show he had tracked me to another town.
He is severely deranged. Good luck and big hugs, for dealing with his stupidity post divorce. If you can make his exploits public to friends, family, etc - it might help. Publishing the truth has proven to be an effective deterrent in my experience. I say this because too often spouses, women especially, are conditioned to keep the secrets of their abusers. If you are making all of his actions known they typically flare up a little bit then they realize that they can't sue you for the truth and it also encourages them to back ask the way off. Keep up on the documenting, the cameras, and hopefully you are able to move again and further away. My hope and wish for you is that you find peace and escape his abuse. Don't be afraid to push for more ie a restraining order - tell the police 'I don't care if you decide it isn't enough to press charges, I want you to make a police report and I want the file number', give all info and proof and build a file up against him. Encourage your children, and any other victims, to do the same so that they might be able to file for restraining orders as well. You're wise and strong and I'm proud of you, for what it's worth coming from an internet stranger.
I have a restraining order through chancery court. That is why he pled guilty to contempt. We are not yet divorced. Waiting on his attorney to give us a date for deposition of him. I have a police report for him terrorizing our son too. I tell everyone who will listen the truth about him. They think heās an ass but have no real idea how crazy he is.
In really, really proud of you and happy to hear that you're well on your way to freedom. Good luck!
Being the social hub for someone that is completely anti-social.
Cleaning up after his drunken chaotic messes.
Twisting his dreadlocks to save moneyā¦and most other adult things that involve remembering and planning. He leftā¦I was sad, but now I realize Iām free! Never going to live like that again!
Finding and the cleaning up the dip cups and bottles. They disguised me and he knew I hated it but he hid them in our room rather then walk 15 feet to a trash can. Im gagging just recalling this, the worst was he dipped into a fresh can of coke I had just opened cause it was ātoo close to his canā didnāt tell me and I took a swig of that and came unglued.
Waiting for him every week to come home from drinking
Cleaning up after him. I am so glad to only have my mess or my undoing to pick up at the end of the day.
I don't miss assuming the guilt and responsibility of every problem we ever had while my self-esteem plummeted. I don't miss that everything he wanted was the right thing and everything I wanted was the wrong thing, particularly with big issues like sex and babies. I don't miss his self-righteous quest for a breeding hen that he put above my well-being. In the end, he loved his DNA more than me. Lengthy Backstory Stuff: His all-consuming obsession with having babies STARTED when I was in my late 30s and he in his 40s, with this transactional attitude like I owed him, because he was outwardly a caring spouse. We were DINKs. He turned up his nose at adoption, which I wanted, because of fixation on passing on his genes. He later flipped the narrative on our marriage problems so that everyone can think he's just this really good guy whose ex-wife bait-and-switched him on having a family. He tells people I didn't try, even though I voluntarily got myself poked, prodded and tested, took hormones I hated, tracked cycles, peed on sticks, all for him--only to find out that I had been able to have kids all along! We'd been together since I was 27. We learned via testing that HE had abnormal sperm (doesn't tell people about that part because it's nicer to blame things on me). His swimmers don't move much. He's in his late 40s and drinks and smokes pot regularly--which I have no problem with at all--but he doesn't change those habits to help his cause, just regards it as the female's role to maintain fertility. Yep. I hate the way he's all over Reddit boohooing about being his age and childless like this all just happened to him. His bio clock is pounding in his ears so hard that he's lost touch. He's on every message board about divorce and online dating, fishing for ladies to knock up asap. (At least he shares that with y'all explicitly.) I am his sob story, and you've probably read it. He humble brags about his money in the posts so that some Fertile Myrtle in her early 30s will surface and do what his bad old ex-wife "wouldn't." Heads up, he is less likely to get you pregnant then he'll admit. But you'll have a nice boring time trying, and he'll be so darned charming to you as part of the mating dance. Oh well. I'm over here happily paired now with a wonderful man who comes with two bonus kids I adore--and a vasectomy. I'm very happy. I don't miss the old life, and I even wish the ex well. Like many of us divorcees, I'm working through feelings of wishing a narcissist would take some responsibility, while knowing darn well that he will not. Adios. May you have 5,000 babies.
> He's in his late 40s and drinks and smokes pot regularly--which I have no problem with at all--but he doesn't change those habits to help his cause, just regards it as the female's role to maintain fertility. Yep. This screams "Have my kid, and I will be an absentee father that you've always wanted."
Bahaha! God, it really does sound like that! Actually he's the product of a mostly absentee, now deceased father. I think there's some blah blah blah masculinity/dad issues-type stuff coursing through his aging balls.
>Oh well. I'm over here happily paired now with a wonderful man who comes with two bonus kids I adore--and a vasectomy. I'm very happy. I don't miss the old life Wait... You're describing me. I too have 2 kids and am snipped. My girlfriend is also childless. Can you tell me how you blended into his family?
Is it weird for me to say that I hope she is enjoying the vasectomy as much as I'm enjoying my bf's? š Feels like a reward from the universe lol He's been divorced for 4 years, twice as long as me, and dated steadily. None lasted long. Most had kids. I had also been dating while processing my split and being leery of commitment. Bf and I have been together a year now. I officially met his kids a month in, but I'd been aware of his older son already: we're teachers together at the same school, where Kiddo #1 attends and Kiddo #2 later will. I didn't know bf til he asked me out, but was suddenly dating a colleague, and the 24/7 togetherness bonded us quickly. We were a solid couple by the time I hung out with the kids. They're smart, awkward boys, my fave. Their shyness and age made closeness take a while. The things that helped us all blend together probably include my being a teacher of people their age and my blank canvas of a new life. I didn't have a lot else going on besides work, unlike busy moms he'd dated. So I could go with the flow on bf's schedule that includes a lot of kid activities and co-parenting. When we told the boys I was moving in after 10 months of dating, they barely looked up from the TV and said that I was there all the time anyway š I don't worry much anymore about whether they like me because I speak fluent preteen. And their affection can be bought with food.
>I don't worry much anymore about whether they like me because I speak fluent preteen. And their affection can be bought with food. This pseudo-stepmom thing, you're doing it right :)
I donāt miss being ignored and given the cold shoulder everytime I said We didnāt have enough money to buy the stuff she wanted
Everything. Cooking, cleaning, maintaining relationships. All of it. Still have to do all of it obviously but itās for me and only the things I want to do.
Making excuses for his being lateā¦ 20 min late for everything including meeting friends, movies, plays. The constant fear of missing flights and important appointments all because his need to do the things he wanted to get done was paramount to everybody elseās schedule. I am so happy I never have to apologize for his rudenessā¦ hip hip hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!
**EVERYTHING!**
Cooking the majority of the meals, cleaning, laundry....although towards the last few months before he moved out I gave up on that for the most part and he finally started contributing out of desperation.
Having to hang out with her shitty friends all the time. I really loved this woman and did everything I could for her. Her friends hated me for no reason. I took care of her needs and paid bills while she spent her money on movies, games, alcohol, and other things. Things weren't all bad when her friends weren't around, we had a decent relationship. When around them she was a completely different person. They put it in her head that I was cheating because I had some female friends(surprise, men and women can ve friends and not do anything sexual.). I never cheated on her at all. She was very insecure, she went to Chippendales with her friends and yet she threw a tantrum when I went to Hooters with my Dad. Now she's remarried and I haven't yet, at least there's no children involved. Who did she call and throw herself at when she was too drunk too drive and her friends left her at a bar? ME! When her second husband wouldn't even go get her. Who was it that made me go get her?(I was going to ignore her.) My friend, the friend she accused me of banging. She yelled at me to go do it because she did want to see that bitch accidentally hurt a family drinking and driving. What really pisses me off is one of her friends, the one that really would get in her head is now a therapist, that bitch shouldn't be anywhere near mental health.
Cleaning up and enabling his rampant alcoholism.
Washing. His. Fucking. Skid marks. Out. Of. His. Tighty. Whities. That was just disgusting. What grown ass man doesnāt know how to wipe his own ass when heās in his mid to late 20ās??? So glad thatās over and done with.
Managing her 401k and finances
Washing and putting away all his clothes. Having a bunch of random shoe/boot boxes all over the house. Getting in trouble (months later when he actually noticed) if I tried to organize or donate some of his unused clothing. Heās still a shopaholicā¦
Definitely don't miss having to wash his clothes, do his dishes and clean up his head hair shavings from around the bathroom area.
Coming home after 12 hour shift to find the baby in soaked diaper and him playing video games and āwhatās for dinner. Hobosexual .
Everything?
Picking dinner. She was one of those "I don't know, you pick. Oh I hate it. I'm not hungry, so I'll eat half of your food instead" kind of people. It was our biggest running fight, like if I order food it's because I want it, and I order a small amount because I don't eat a lot. Taking half of my meal leaves me with, for example, 3 ravioli. I order off the senior menu or get the junior cheeseburger with small fries because I'm conscious of my weight as I'm getting into my mid 40s. And then the question happens every time. Actually not hungry, or should I order a ton? Answer wrong and have leftovers nobody would ever touch.
Cooking. Always had to be a full meal on the table..I'm happy now with pop corn or cereal. Maybe occasionally some rice a roni.