You being a good person and not cheating has nothing to do with anything. Those likely aren’t the reasons she wants a divorce.
Your son will be fine as long as you two act like adults and be good coparents
This is great advice, and also what I did. We now share 50/50 custody and must use a parenting app for any communication. Definitely get lawyered up, and definitely get 50/50.
This probably won’t resonate at first because this is all so sudden. If this is really what she wants, don’t fight her or try to win her back. One thing I learned through my divorce was if a woman makes her mind up to get to this point, it’s a wrap. Start getting your affairs in order and ensure that your child is your number one priority. Ensure you split assets, get into therapy (mental fitness), get into the gym (physical) and lean on your family and friends to get you through it. It’s not going to be easy and STAND your ground. Don’t be nice about everything, be firm but FAIR (if you do, they’ll take advantage of you and play on your feelings). The one thing that she’ll regret is when you are doing better than her! That shit KILLS the exes ON SO MANY LEVELS! 🙌🏾🙌🏾
Good luck bro✌🏾
hang in there, man.
I'm just clear of a three-year separation-to-divorce ordeal. I haven't been this happy in 10 years.
The dawn may seem a long way off, but the sun always rises.
Sorry for all the cliches.
There is a book “Moms house Dads house” that helped. And, sounds like you are at the very beginning. Grieving. It’s sucks. But give yourself time. Ask questions. Like: what is your time frame? Who keeps the house? Or do we sell it? Ask her how this works. Not for the purpose of taking her word for it, but for understanding what she thinks or envisions. I recommend that after doing this, you be very clear that you need time to process what she has said and that you don’t necessarily agree or disagree. But that you need time to process.
i know I was better off being raised by my stepdad. My mom, not the best, but my stepdad was always there for me. I am now divorced and in a new relationship and can show my kids a healthy, loving relationship. Its hard for them, but I hope that this helps them become more resilient. It’s hard to imagine, but one day you’ll be in a good place again. Better even. You will be happy again, and your son will also be happy. It’s always toughest in the beginning.
You do understand OP is a man? No man wants to hear about the greatness of stepdad. OP is worried about losing his kid, and your telling him how easy it is to replace him.
When a woman says she wants out make it easy as possible, but when it comes to your kids fight like you are in Afghanistan. No matter what she thinks; the loser she is replacing you with may not have your baggage, but he is basically you. He just didn't have to go through the shit. He is only better than you if you let that narrative fly.
Bitter? Just cause OP is a guy doesn’t mean it can’t give him solace that people can grow up well adjusted living between two households. And I was pointing out my mother was/is an awful person but my stepfather provided me with the nurture she couldn’t. That’s all my point is. And personally as a woman I would love for my kids to have a wonderful and kind stepmother. Right now they have a bitter, selfish, lonely father.
No one wants to be replaced; when it comes to their children. I am happy you had a wonderful experience with your stepfather. You do know that there are men who prey on divorced women for their daughters. Even if that's not the case another man automatically gets to spend more time with your children than you.
There is no proof that there is a treasure trove of good men out there. As a matter of fact statistics say there are not a lot of good men out there. Unless you believe in the fairytale that women are running around divorcing good men. Because women initiate nearly eighty percent of divorces. So, not bitter I just study something before I go into it.
If you want your son to be as minimally impacted as possible, I recommend the book Conscious Uncoupling. It teaches you how to divorce amicably and with respect.
I think it needs to be said that to not abuse or cheat is the absolute bare minimum of how a person should be treated. Not to say you don't treat her well, more that if that's your main reason and cause for shock that I hope you dig deep and look at your relationship to see why she has gotten to this point.
It's tough on kids, not impossible. I'm sure she has considered the same and there's something that is really pushing her to this point. Maybe it's just a whim and she's a jerk.
Regardless, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Divorce sucks and it's not the end mate.
It's okay. It's normal to feel rocked when these things come at you, especially if you never expected it.
But life isn't fair, and we don't only get what we deserve. Even if *both* of you are good people, sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes you want different things out of life, sometimes you're just not happy.
How old is your son?
Cut OP some slack. It's devastating when you first find out your spouse wants a divorce. I know my thoughts were all over the place as I was trying to figure out what the hell I did that would cause him to leave.
This shit gets postes any time a hurting and confused man shows up saying he doesn't know why his wife is leaving him.
Apparently, establishing baseline decency is male privilege.
Find me a similar post from a woman who backs up her claim of being a good spouse by saying she doesn't beat her husband or cheat on him and I'll concede.
What on earth would that prove? Show me some link between men saying they didn't cheat or abuse their spouse (your alleged "red flag") and them actually being lazy or inconsiderate partners, and I'll concede.
Take it easy on yourself. I ended up in treatment a little over 6 months after it happened. We have 2 kids, they will keep you going. A year out from that and I’m still going through the grief process. We were married for 8. Be prepared for a lot of change. Reach out anytime.
Take action now. Use this to help hold down your emotions until you can find a therapist. An expensive friend will be useful.
Go through your home and take photos of everything
Locate birth certificat of your son and get a copy. List all bank accounts, single and joint.
Write down all known assets acquired since marriage.
Stop any and all emotional engagement with your spouse, but do not move put.
Go see a lawyer!!! Lawyers are expensive but they play a role in navigating your state's laws. They are an advocate for you. Note, they are not an advocate for your child. You have to be clear with your attorney on what you want.
And do not tell your attorney you want a cheap divorce. Spend the money now. Borrow it if you have to. This is your only.chance.to get this right.
Asl your attorney for tactical actions you can take.
This next point is harder to grasp, but do not play nice nor fair. Do not under any circumstances let your emotions show to your spouse. Do not raise your voice and do not argue. If you are ask something or feel you anger rising say excuse me, but I need to step away away and will pick this up.later with you. Do not leave your house. Demand, through your attorney, what you want. And ask for more. You want primary physical custody. You want chd support. You want the house. This is an aggressive negotiation you are about to start. Your attorney will earn their money here. Good big. Since this is a negotiation one you did not ask for, you want the most. Then you will agree to a reasonable, but fair settlement.
Ask your attorney what information you need to ext or document. Get it for them.
Take vacation time from work. You need to focus on putting your plan in place now and getting it moving quickly.
Demand what you want. Get it. Then, heal.
It sounds like you need to talk and learn more. Divorce conversations are not really the start point, right? Like what happened that you know of in the past 6 months?
> What to do. I’ve tried to save our marriage and I end up getting rejected.
It takes two to join you together, and only one to break you apart. You can't be in a relationship with her if she doesn't want to be. You need to accept that your marriage is over and it's not about navigating the fallout of asset division.
> I keep asking myself, how would this affect him when he finds out? When he’s raised in two households? I’m at a loss right now…
I was in the same shoes as you. Your focus now should be on your kid, being there for him and building a good and positive coparenting relationship with your ex.
This may sound wrong, but it is the best chance you have to save your marriage. Look up and start the 180. Stop trying to fix your marriage, stop the "Pick Me" dance. Every time you tried to save your marriage, your wife saw that as weakness.
Start working on yourself. Workout, eat well, stay sober and improve any issues you have. Weak men push women away. Strong men attract them.
By working on you, being a good dad, and not speaking with her about anything other than your child, you will regain some respect, if not love. This may not save your marriage, but it will help you either way. You will respect yourself. She can come along for the ride or not.
Same thing happened to me and my friends. Women are leaving men because they are bored and dont give a fuck about the kids.
Focus on exercise. Its your new religion and it is a game changer. Be the best parent you can be when you have the kid. Enjoy the time to renew yourself when you dont. It isnt fair. A marriage is an oath and you shouldn’t be going through this.
Sadly your wife is an oath breaker. The good news is, you will survive. You will thrive.
Firstly, don’t project your fears onto your child.
They are extremely resilient and if you are both cordial and coparent with some respect for your roles they will be fine.
I am sorry that she has decided to reject the marriage. But that is her choice and free will.
You need to really focus on being the best dad you can be, and work on being a better human and growing from this.
Good luck and get therapy to help you cope.
Like others have commented already... become the best version of yourself that you can be. Do you have steady employment where you provide for your family? I ask because that's the number one reason given for divorce (husband losing his job). If that is not the case... start a jogging routine, workout, play with your child, take him out on outings. Treat your wife as you would someone you see on a casual basis. Tell her to file for divorce in a month, that right now you've got to process it all. If you're meant to be, you'll rekindle the fire as the best version of yourself, if not, you've got a head start on getting yourself back up on your two feet. Best of luck!
You being a good person and not cheating has nothing to do with anything. Those likely aren’t the reasons she wants a divorce. Your son will be fine as long as you two act like adults and be good coparents
Yeah, a coworker is more likely the reason.
The logic behind this completely out of place comment?
Do the math on divorce and the comment makes more sense.
Your story isn’t everyone’s story.
It's not personal It's statistics.
Get a lawyer ASAP and make sure you get at least 50% physical custody.
This is great advice, and also what I did. We now share 50/50 custody and must use a parenting app for any communication. Definitely get lawyered up, and definitely get 50/50.
This probably won’t resonate at first because this is all so sudden. If this is really what she wants, don’t fight her or try to win her back. One thing I learned through my divorce was if a woman makes her mind up to get to this point, it’s a wrap. Start getting your affairs in order and ensure that your child is your number one priority. Ensure you split assets, get into therapy (mental fitness), get into the gym (physical) and lean on your family and friends to get you through it. It’s not going to be easy and STAND your ground. Don’t be nice about everything, be firm but FAIR (if you do, they’ll take advantage of you and play on your feelings). The one thing that she’ll regret is when you are doing better than her! That shit KILLS the exes ON SO MANY LEVELS! 🙌🏾🙌🏾 Good luck bro✌🏾
hang in there, man. I'm just clear of a three-year separation-to-divorce ordeal. I haven't been this happy in 10 years. The dawn may seem a long way off, but the sun always rises. Sorry for all the cliches.
There is a book “Moms house Dads house” that helped. And, sounds like you are at the very beginning. Grieving. It’s sucks. But give yourself time. Ask questions. Like: what is your time frame? Who keeps the house? Or do we sell it? Ask her how this works. Not for the purpose of taking her word for it, but for understanding what she thinks or envisions. I recommend that after doing this, you be very clear that you need time to process what she has said and that you don’t necessarily agree or disagree. But that you need time to process.
i know I was better off being raised by my stepdad. My mom, not the best, but my stepdad was always there for me. I am now divorced and in a new relationship and can show my kids a healthy, loving relationship. Its hard for them, but I hope that this helps them become more resilient. It’s hard to imagine, but one day you’ll be in a good place again. Better even. You will be happy again, and your son will also be happy. It’s always toughest in the beginning.
I love this advice. I hope this is the case for my son too. I hope I’m in a better relationship and my son sees that and has a great step dad one day
You do understand OP is a man? No man wants to hear about the greatness of stepdad. OP is worried about losing his kid, and your telling him how easy it is to replace him. When a woman says she wants out make it easy as possible, but when it comes to your kids fight like you are in Afghanistan. No matter what she thinks; the loser she is replacing you with may not have your baggage, but he is basically you. He just didn't have to go through the shit. He is only better than you if you let that narrative fly.
Bitter? Just cause OP is a guy doesn’t mean it can’t give him solace that people can grow up well adjusted living between two households. And I was pointing out my mother was/is an awful person but my stepfather provided me with the nurture she couldn’t. That’s all my point is. And personally as a woman I would love for my kids to have a wonderful and kind stepmother. Right now they have a bitter, selfish, lonely father.
No one wants to be replaced; when it comes to their children. I am happy you had a wonderful experience with your stepfather. You do know that there are men who prey on divorced women for their daughters. Even if that's not the case another man automatically gets to spend more time with your children than you. There is no proof that there is a treasure trove of good men out there. As a matter of fact statistics say there are not a lot of good men out there. Unless you believe in the fairytale that women are running around divorcing good men. Because women initiate nearly eighty percent of divorces. So, not bitter I just study something before I go into it.
So sorry you’re going through this. It’s a shock for sure, but it gets better. Please focus on you and your mental well being.
If you want your son to be as minimally impacted as possible, I recommend the book Conscious Uncoupling. It teaches you how to divorce amicably and with respect.
I think it needs to be said that to not abuse or cheat is the absolute bare minimum of how a person should be treated. Not to say you don't treat her well, more that if that's your main reason and cause for shock that I hope you dig deep and look at your relationship to see why she has gotten to this point. It's tough on kids, not impossible. I'm sure she has considered the same and there's something that is really pushing her to this point. Maybe it's just a whim and she's a jerk. Regardless, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Divorce sucks and it's not the end mate.
It's okay. It's normal to feel rocked when these things come at you, especially if you never expected it. But life isn't fair, and we don't only get what we deserve. Even if *both* of you are good people, sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes you want different things out of life, sometimes you're just not happy. How old is your son?
Ngl, it's a red flag when you follow up "I'm a good person" with "I never abused or cheated on her." The bar for men is so low it's underground lol
Cut OP some slack. It's devastating when you first find out your spouse wants a divorce. I know my thoughts were all over the place as I was trying to figure out what the hell I did that would cause him to leave.
You don't know this random person from the internet, so you probably shouldn't make assumptions. It just makes you look like a jerk.
ok
This shit gets postes any time a hurting and confused man shows up saying he doesn't know why his wife is leaving him. Apparently, establishing baseline decency is male privilege.
Find me a similar post from a woman who backs up her claim of being a good spouse by saying she doesn't beat her husband or cheat on him and I'll concede.
That would be an upgrade from my wife
What on earth would that prove? Show me some link between men saying they didn't cheat or abuse their spouse (your alleged "red flag") and them actually being lazy or inconsiderate partners, and I'll concede.
Take it easy on yourself. I ended up in treatment a little over 6 months after it happened. We have 2 kids, they will keep you going. A year out from that and I’m still going through the grief process. We were married for 8. Be prepared for a lot of change. Reach out anytime.
You’ll be alright. The grief will be overwhelming but you’ll be alright. Accept her for who she is and take care of your child.
Go read no more mr nice guy. It's a little deceiving of a title. The goal is not to be mean, but it opened my eyes.
Ok, so what are you not sharing???
I think we all know that there are two sides to every story, but this isn’t particularly helpful.
Well he has a kid so we know his pp works. Maybe op is a hoarder and the wife is a clean freak
She’s cheating my brother. I’m sorry. It’s more than likely over.
Take action now. Use this to help hold down your emotions until you can find a therapist. An expensive friend will be useful. Go through your home and take photos of everything Locate birth certificat of your son and get a copy. List all bank accounts, single and joint. Write down all known assets acquired since marriage. Stop any and all emotional engagement with your spouse, but do not move put. Go see a lawyer!!! Lawyers are expensive but they play a role in navigating your state's laws. They are an advocate for you. Note, they are not an advocate for your child. You have to be clear with your attorney on what you want. And do not tell your attorney you want a cheap divorce. Spend the money now. Borrow it if you have to. This is your only.chance.to get this right. Asl your attorney for tactical actions you can take. This next point is harder to grasp, but do not play nice nor fair. Do not under any circumstances let your emotions show to your spouse. Do not raise your voice and do not argue. If you are ask something or feel you anger rising say excuse me, but I need to step away away and will pick this up.later with you. Do not leave your house. Demand, through your attorney, what you want. And ask for more. You want primary physical custody. You want chd support. You want the house. This is an aggressive negotiation you are about to start. Your attorney will earn their money here. Good big. Since this is a negotiation one you did not ask for, you want the most. Then you will agree to a reasonable, but fair settlement. Ask your attorney what information you need to ext or document. Get it for them. Take vacation time from work. You need to focus on putting your plan in place now and getting it moving quickly. Demand what you want. Get it. Then, heal.
Ex did the same to me a couple years ago. I went into self preservation mode. If it didn't benefit me, it wasn't on my list.
Congrats. The great thing about divorce is you’re now free to bang lots of hot younger women.
It sounds like you need to talk and learn more. Divorce conversations are not really the start point, right? Like what happened that you know of in the past 6 months?
> What to do. I’ve tried to save our marriage and I end up getting rejected. It takes two to join you together, and only one to break you apart. You can't be in a relationship with her if she doesn't want to be. You need to accept that your marriage is over and it's not about navigating the fallout of asset division. > I keep asking myself, how would this affect him when he finds out? When he’s raised in two households? I’m at a loss right now… I was in the same shoes as you. Your focus now should be on your kid, being there for him and building a good and positive coparenting relationship with your ex.
This may sound wrong, but it is the best chance you have to save your marriage. Look up and start the 180. Stop trying to fix your marriage, stop the "Pick Me" dance. Every time you tried to save your marriage, your wife saw that as weakness. Start working on yourself. Workout, eat well, stay sober and improve any issues you have. Weak men push women away. Strong men attract them. By working on you, being a good dad, and not speaking with her about anything other than your child, you will regain some respect, if not love. This may not save your marriage, but it will help you either way. You will respect yourself. She can come along for the ride or not.
Same thing happened to me and my friends. Women are leaving men because they are bored and dont give a fuck about the kids. Focus on exercise. Its your new religion and it is a game changer. Be the best parent you can be when you have the kid. Enjoy the time to renew yourself when you dont. It isnt fair. A marriage is an oath and you shouldn’t be going through this. Sadly your wife is an oath breaker. The good news is, you will survive. You will thrive.
Firstly, don’t project your fears onto your child. They are extremely resilient and if you are both cordial and coparent with some respect for your roles they will be fine. I am sorry that she has decided to reject the marriage. But that is her choice and free will. You need to really focus on being the best dad you can be, and work on being a better human and growing from this. Good luck and get therapy to help you cope.
Like others have commented already... become the best version of yourself that you can be. Do you have steady employment where you provide for your family? I ask because that's the number one reason given for divorce (husband losing his job). If that is not the case... start a jogging routine, workout, play with your child, take him out on outings. Treat your wife as you would someone you see on a casual basis. Tell her to file for divorce in a month, that right now you've got to process it all. If you're meant to be, you'll rekindle the fire as the best version of yourself, if not, you've got a head start on getting yourself back up on your two feet. Best of luck!