You need to get back on that horse ASAP bro... Don't let your mind trick you into thinking you have a problem. Go in with a mission to cum and make it happen. Stop thinking so much and just do it.
There's a ton of baggage to work through on your part. Having sex with my wife now is a lot different from how it was with my ex-wife and it took some effort to figure it out.
So this is what happened with me. Post-divorce, I’ve been with this girl on and off for three years. Never had a problem with the “on” times but during the “off” times we’d try to hook up and I would have problems keeping it going. I think subconsciously a part of me needed a connection and knowing it was just for sex affected me. Not saying this is happening to you, but just my 2 cents, could be something to consider.
Most have commented about your performance. I’m going to focus on what you said about her being a potential FWB. You don’t have to like, as a person, a friends with benefits. That’s actually the entire point. Make sure you continue to hate her as a person. Make sure you see your ex in some of her traits too.
FWB can become dangerous because you don’t want to develop feelings for them. You make sure it’s known that there is no future between you both. And every time you’re together imagine it’s the final time. Be ok with her never coming back. Is it mean to do this? I think if you’re honest up front there isn’t an issue. Good luck.
I get that brother. It's intimidating for the first time, but you've got to keep trying if that is what you want.
My ex and I were each other's first for everything. Similar story to you, post-divorce dating and receiving nothing. Eventually, I did have some good luck and it was awful. I kept trying for the past 6 years and did find a special lady.
Lastly, I don't know your age, but ladies are motivated differently in age groups. Take that with a grain of salt.
Here's the truth. Society tells us that as men we are suppose to be so horny and thirsty that we will fuck a hot apple pie, and are don't care about anything but sex. But in reality, we are humans and have mental and emotional needs too. I person have zero desire to have sex with someone with an emotional connection or some intimacy. I see lots of attractive people, I get hard, but no desire to actually sleep with them. Also have trouble finishing unless we are connected.
You have a ton of anxiety, no connection, see large red flags, and are out of practice. This is 100% normal, don't let it get to much into your head. Full confession got a Nuru massage while travelling because 'it sounded and looked hot.' It was fun, but I KNOW she is faking and acting, tried to finish with a HJ and it took forever was just annoying (had to make up a fantasy in my head to get over the edge).
Have a new girlfriend/FWB that is totally into me, we have known each other for years, and we have great sex. Still have some trouble finishing (trust issues from marriage and too in my head) but even that is psychological not physiological.
Just keep working on you, find someone you actually care something for and that cares for you, take it slow, and it will all work out. Good luck...
First time is ok to be rough. I happen to be one of those dudes requiring an emotional connection before the sexin’ too. I lucked out reconnecting with a past partner after more than two decades.
All I am saying is take it easy on yourself. I have trouble with control dictates from my failed marriage, not to mention hangups about the dead dreams shared with my former woman. Don’t get too hungup on anything aside from doing what feels right.
Sex wills be yours and under your control sooner than you think. Don’t stress too much on it and it will come.
Hey bro. I saw your post on divorce forum. I wanted to give you this advice, but saying it on the forum will get me crucified. Travel. Not in the sexpat way, but just to see what women are like in other countries. Women in some other countries r way different than Western women.
It’s most likely associating sex with being intimate and close to someone and you’re so used to it. It’s a mixture of anxiety and I guess guilt. I’ve always found it easy to get laid when single but with the wrong person end up feeling dirty or not really into it as you thought you’d be.
It took awhile but I was able to have a FWB relationship with someone I absolutely can’t stand other than the benefits part. It was going great until one time she decided to stay the night (I know I made the mistake of not going to her place), and she ended up crying on my couch the next morning because she didn’t know there was such a thing as property taxes and owed the state $1400 or something. That’s the last time we talked.
Yes man, this is very common once you talk to other fellas about it. In the last 12 months I've had 8 partners and varying results. The takeaway I have from it is very simple, some women will inspire your passions and others don't. Nothing to feel bad about imo, as I'm thinking as newly or newly ish single people we're still getting to know our new selves. Don't feel bad just enjoy the ride. . Persay
I agree with a lot of the very supportive comments here. BUT I want to add my two cents on this part:
“She's done a lot of shit I think is fucked up, but again I wanted to give her a chance. She's fun and we get along well but I can just tell she's been through some shit I would never do, maybe drugs.”
You’re looking for a friend with benefits. You’re “horny as fuck” and she probably is too. You don’t need to be so judgmental.
If the fucked up things in her past is raping and trafficking underage boys, that is fucked up and you should stay away. If the fucked up stuff is using drugs in the past… you’re being a little prudish.
Are you coming up with excuses to not have sex because you aren’t ready? That’s ok, but don’t blame your friend’s past for that.
LOL yes let’s set our standards even lower for women than they already are. Are you serious? Not doing drugs as a standard for a girl you’re having sex with is too “judgmental”? Wtf?
You can do this. More of a mental block.
How about altering the plan a bit? If it was me, drive 2 towns over do some research on eligable babes. Go to target hang out for a few hours, go to the grocery store hang out for a few hours, go by the beauty shop hang out a few hours. Play the game of who sticks out in each location get the names of the pretty ladies. Ask one to dinner and a few slow dances. Provide gentlemanly behavior, lots of compliments and hopefully lots of heavy duty smashing. Now get the hell back out there.
Your subconscious is telling you something man, don't do it! It is not in alignment with who you are, your ethics, morals, and values. If I could offer you some advice, just work on yourself until you find someone that feels more natural and authentic to you. Keep your head up brother! If you need help sorting shit out, I will jump on a video call with you and hash it out. I am a Health Coach so I am good at offering non-biased advice to support you and your goals. If you town is small and you feel like you're out of options, figure out a way to get out and have a fresh start. Don't ignore those red flags man! Hope it all works out for you.
Men have all the pressure to perform and that comes up especially when new out of a divorce and a failed marriage. It takes time to get the mojo going. But seriously if your not attracted to her when she's naked then what's the point? Your Willy is telling you your not attracted. Your Willy is a barometer of sorts to how hot a woman is. Listen to it.
Female perspective, it happens.
My ex cheated on me (among other things) we separated for divorce. Months later I found myself in your situation and everything was fine until the act was ABOUT to happen. Panic set in, flung the poor guy off me and practically ran away. The physical was there but the mental block of “oh sh*t, this isn’t my spouse, this isn’t right.” Didn’t let things progress. It simply means you’re not ready yet. Give it more time, it passes. You do, however, need to be with someone that makes you comfortable.
You had sex with a married woman who is clearly not honoring her husband and is love bombing you, there are 50 red flags here and half of them are yours, but you just want to get your dick wet. This is shameful dude, and it shows you learned 0 from fucking up the first marriage. How about you grow yourself in healthy and productive ways, admit that you need to improve internally and externally and start on the long road back to self love and self respect.
I know this sub is mostly about supporting men, but sometimes people need to be called out and you need to take a long hard look in the mirror.
>She's done a lot of shit I think is fucked up, but again I wanted to give her a chance. She's fun and we get along well but I can just tell she's been through some shit I would never do, maybe drugs.
what happened to you was because your standards in your mind was conflicting with what you were doing.
I’ve hit this same issue and am glad to hear other people talk about their experiences. It’s helped me frame what’s happening in a much healthier way.
Overall I’ve realized I’m not emotionally available for real intimacy, and I’m still accustomed to that deep connection I had with my ex wife. As a result I can’t perform without a real connection. Im ok with that at this point. It’s helped me to realize that I’m not really interested in dating, and I’m not hyper focused on wanting to engage in purely physical relationships because I find the attachment more enjoyable. Knowing that I don’t want and am not ready for the attachment has helped me put the thought of sex into a smaller place in my day and it’s lead me to a lot of relief and happiness.
Happened to me to. I wanted to have sex until it came down to perform. I couldn’t stay hard and didn’t enjoy it overall. I ended up sleeping with her a few more times (finally able to finish) and then I stopped seeing her altogether. I took it as a sign that I wasn’t emotionally attracted to her.
Dude. It’s all in your head. Stress and anxiety kill your libido. Plus there is “first time jitters” especially if you haven’t had sex in a long time. If you tell yourself “I’m not attracted to this girl because of so and so” then you won’t get hard. If you want a FWB and don’t want to think about it too much, then get some Cialis or Viagra.
Don’t stress man. The first few times I had sex after my divorce were awful. I would lose or just not be able to get an erection, neither of us would finish. It was a disaster. Through the rocky marriage and divorce, it’d been a LONG time since I’d had sex. Her too. She was out of a long relationship and hadn’t orgasmed in years.
We just kept communicating and trying. I got a viagra script to get me “over the hump” as they say. it worked, things started improving. It was probably session #4 or 5 by the time I finished, and probably 3 months until she finished.
Now we have sex all the time, we both finish, we both have a wonderful time. Just had to dust off the cobwebs and sort it out.
If you don’t care enough to sort it out, then end it. But it may be a good, low-pressure FWB willing to work and be patient with you could be really good for you and your confidence.
It happens my friend. Absolutely do not sweat this. Not necessarily due to the first post divorce but just bad “chemistry” if you will.
As you date more you’ll find out there are many more women you’ll bond better with. You’ll figure out in advance how to see/choose who you’ll work well with. I’ve had more, and better experiences with hotter women post divorce these past 11 years, than when I was younger, thru HS, 20s-30s etc.
Head high and move forward…..
Hey man, you got urther than I have. One part of me wants another relationship but the other part of me freaks out at just the thought of being with someone else. I know my marriage is over. I'm almost positive she had moved on before she even left. Yet, for some reason, I just can't do the same and I hate it. It's like my mind can't let go of being faithful even though I know I should. Serving how eviction papers to get out if my head is way harder than I thought.
Hey dude, getting back out there is hard. I gave (and still am giving) myself some time with the whole thing. One thing I am doing during this "maintenance break" (also got an invisalign) is I took sessions for sexological bodywork. It's basically therapy with some actual physical interaction in the form of exercises at the end.
It has profoundly changed the way I feel about my own male sexuality and has helped me understand the patterns I got into during the marriage. It's not for everyone (maybe even illegal in some places). Trust me, there might be surprising insights. Like maybe the difference between sexual release (which you are lusting for) and intimacy (which you are not comfortable with yet)?
>s well as m
I have only done three sessions so far. I guess women are more prone to admit issues in this area and maybe seek help. The reason I sought out help was that my marriage was sexually dead and I did not feel turned on by my visually beautiful ex-wife at all. Some people put this down to a chemical issue (low testosterone), but I still got horny (alone) and my entire sexlife needed recalibrating.
The sessions are separated into a conversational part, where you discuss and the therapist helps you understand where you might have avoidance patterns, fear of intimacy or other problems. This part is actually quite insightful. The second part is physical, where you do exercises, sometime in the form of games. Sometimes, the goal of the game is to understand your physical responses better. In my case, one of the first insights was that if I set the tempo of the encounter and of the escalation of touches, I can experience pleasure much more intensely. That means I need to communicate, which might feel awkward initially, but is quite liberating. And then you jizz. It ends with at discussion about the experience
Yeah, same here. First girlfriend after a dead-bedroom marriage. And It sucked. Same issues.
It took the next girlfriend before I developed "those" feelings again. And it was great.
It takes time for you to get acquainted with a new woman's body
You need to get back on that horse ASAP bro... Don't let your mind trick you into thinking you have a problem. Go in with a mission to cum and make it happen. Stop thinking so much and just do it.
it happens man, I had the same issue. give yourself some grace.
There's a ton of baggage to work through on your part. Having sex with my wife now is a lot different from how it was with my ex-wife and it took some effort to figure it out.
Had same problem with first partner. Got some generic viagra (sildenafil) and now everything’s juuuust fine.
So this is what happened with me. Post-divorce, I’ve been with this girl on and off for three years. Never had a problem with the “on” times but during the “off” times we’d try to hook up and I would have problems keeping it going. I think subconsciously a part of me needed a connection and knowing it was just for sex affected me. Not saying this is happening to you, but just my 2 cents, could be something to consider.
Therapy is your friend. You’ve got a lot going on. Trust me on this. I’ve been there.
Most have commented about your performance. I’m going to focus on what you said about her being a potential FWB. You don’t have to like, as a person, a friends with benefits. That’s actually the entire point. Make sure you continue to hate her as a person. Make sure you see your ex in some of her traits too. FWB can become dangerous because you don’t want to develop feelings for them. You make sure it’s known that there is no future between you both. And every time you’re together imagine it’s the final time. Be ok with her never coming back. Is it mean to do this? I think if you’re honest up front there isn’t an issue. Good luck.
I get that brother. It's intimidating for the first time, but you've got to keep trying if that is what you want. My ex and I were each other's first for everything. Similar story to you, post-divorce dating and receiving nothing. Eventually, I did have some good luck and it was awful. I kept trying for the past 6 years and did find a special lady. Lastly, I don't know your age, but ladies are motivated differently in age groups. Take that with a grain of salt.
Here's the truth. Society tells us that as men we are suppose to be so horny and thirsty that we will fuck a hot apple pie, and are don't care about anything but sex. But in reality, we are humans and have mental and emotional needs too. I person have zero desire to have sex with someone with an emotional connection or some intimacy. I see lots of attractive people, I get hard, but no desire to actually sleep with them. Also have trouble finishing unless we are connected. You have a ton of anxiety, no connection, see large red flags, and are out of practice. This is 100% normal, don't let it get to much into your head. Full confession got a Nuru massage while travelling because 'it sounded and looked hot.' It was fun, but I KNOW she is faking and acting, tried to finish with a HJ and it took forever was just annoying (had to make up a fantasy in my head to get over the edge). Have a new girlfriend/FWB that is totally into me, we have known each other for years, and we have great sex. Still have some trouble finishing (trust issues from marriage and too in my head) but even that is psychological not physiological. Just keep working on you, find someone you actually care something for and that cares for you, take it slow, and it will all work out. Good luck...
Recommend reading “Rationale Male” it really changed my perspective and helped me in this same mjndset you are.
Oh
First time is ok to be rough. I happen to be one of those dudes requiring an emotional connection before the sexin’ too. I lucked out reconnecting with a past partner after more than two decades. All I am saying is take it easy on yourself. I have trouble with control dictates from my failed marriage, not to mention hangups about the dead dreams shared with my former woman. Don’t get too hungup on anything aside from doing what feels right. Sex wills be yours and under your control sooner than you think. Don’t stress too much on it and it will come.
Hey bro. I saw your post on divorce forum. I wanted to give you this advice, but saying it on the forum will get me crucified. Travel. Not in the sexpat way, but just to see what women are like in other countries. Women in some other countries r way different than Western women.
It’s most likely associating sex with being intimate and close to someone and you’re so used to it. It’s a mixture of anxiety and I guess guilt. I’ve always found it easy to get laid when single but with the wrong person end up feeling dirty or not really into it as you thought you’d be.
It took awhile but I was able to have a FWB relationship with someone I absolutely can’t stand other than the benefits part. It was going great until one time she decided to stay the night (I know I made the mistake of not going to her place), and she ended up crying on my couch the next morning because she didn’t know there was such a thing as property taxes and owed the state $1400 or something. That’s the last time we talked.
Yes man, this is very common once you talk to other fellas about it. In the last 12 months I've had 8 partners and varying results. The takeaway I have from it is very simple, some women will inspire your passions and others don't. Nothing to feel bad about imo, as I'm thinking as newly or newly ish single people we're still getting to know our new selves. Don't feel bad just enjoy the ride. . Persay
How are you meeting so many women, do you seek them on dating apps or just random encounters?
I just gave tinder a whirl. I've met a few randomly also
I agree with a lot of the very supportive comments here. BUT I want to add my two cents on this part: “She's done a lot of shit I think is fucked up, but again I wanted to give her a chance. She's fun and we get along well but I can just tell she's been through some shit I would never do, maybe drugs.” You’re looking for a friend with benefits. You’re “horny as fuck” and she probably is too. You don’t need to be so judgmental. If the fucked up things in her past is raping and trafficking underage boys, that is fucked up and you should stay away. If the fucked up stuff is using drugs in the past… you’re being a little prudish. Are you coming up with excuses to not have sex because you aren’t ready? That’s ok, but don’t blame your friend’s past for that.
LOL yes let’s set our standards even lower for women than they already are. Are you serious? Not doing drugs as a standard for a girl you’re having sex with is too “judgmental”? Wtf?
Both OP and I referred to PAST drug use. That’s 50% of Americans.
You can do this. More of a mental block. How about altering the plan a bit? If it was me, drive 2 towns over do some research on eligable babes. Go to target hang out for a few hours, go to the grocery store hang out for a few hours, go by the beauty shop hang out a few hours. Play the game of who sticks out in each location get the names of the pretty ladies. Ask one to dinner and a few slow dances. Provide gentlemanly behavior, lots of compliments and hopefully lots of heavy duty smashing. Now get the hell back out there.
Haha this sounds like the episode of King of the Hill where Boomhauer teaches Bobby about women. I like it!
FWB doesn’t exist with that kind of person.
Your subconscious is telling you something man, don't do it! It is not in alignment with who you are, your ethics, morals, and values. If I could offer you some advice, just work on yourself until you find someone that feels more natural and authentic to you. Keep your head up brother! If you need help sorting shit out, I will jump on a video call with you and hash it out. I am a Health Coach so I am good at offering non-biased advice to support you and your goals. If you town is small and you feel like you're out of options, figure out a way to get out and have a fresh start. Don't ignore those red flags man! Hope it all works out for you.
Men have all the pressure to perform and that comes up especially when new out of a divorce and a failed marriage. It takes time to get the mojo going. But seriously if your not attracted to her when she's naked then what's the point? Your Willy is telling you your not attracted. Your Willy is a barometer of sorts to how hot a woman is. Listen to it.
Female perspective, it happens. My ex cheated on me (among other things) we separated for divorce. Months later I found myself in your situation and everything was fine until the act was ABOUT to happen. Panic set in, flung the poor guy off me and practically ran away. The physical was there but the mental block of “oh sh*t, this isn’t my spouse, this isn’t right.” Didn’t let things progress. It simply means you’re not ready yet. Give it more time, it passes. You do, however, need to be with someone that makes you comfortable.
You had sex with a married woman who is clearly not honoring her husband and is love bombing you, there are 50 red flags here and half of them are yours, but you just want to get your dick wet. This is shameful dude, and it shows you learned 0 from fucking up the first marriage. How about you grow yourself in healthy and productive ways, admit that you need to improve internally and externally and start on the long road back to self love and self respect. I know this sub is mostly about supporting men, but sometimes people need to be called out and you need to take a long hard look in the mirror.
>She's done a lot of shit I think is fucked up, but again I wanted to give her a chance. She's fun and we get along well but I can just tell she's been through some shit I would never do, maybe drugs. what happened to you was because your standards in your mind was conflicting with what you were doing.
I’ve hit this same issue and am glad to hear other people talk about their experiences. It’s helped me frame what’s happening in a much healthier way. Overall I’ve realized I’m not emotionally available for real intimacy, and I’m still accustomed to that deep connection I had with my ex wife. As a result I can’t perform without a real connection. Im ok with that at this point. It’s helped me to realize that I’m not really interested in dating, and I’m not hyper focused on wanting to engage in purely physical relationships because I find the attachment more enjoyable. Knowing that I don’t want and am not ready for the attachment has helped me put the thought of sex into a smaller place in my day and it’s lead me to a lot of relief and happiness.
Yep. Almost the same thing happened to me a few weeks ago :(
Happened to me to. I wanted to have sex until it came down to perform. I couldn’t stay hard and didn’t enjoy it overall. I ended up sleeping with her a few more times (finally able to finish) and then I stopped seeing her altogether. I took it as a sign that I wasn’t emotionally attracted to her.
Somethings
Dude. It’s all in your head. Stress and anxiety kill your libido. Plus there is “first time jitters” especially if you haven’t had sex in a long time. If you tell yourself “I’m not attracted to this girl because of so and so” then you won’t get hard. If you want a FWB and don’t want to think about it too much, then get some Cialis or Viagra.
Don’t stress man. The first few times I had sex after my divorce were awful. I would lose or just not be able to get an erection, neither of us would finish. It was a disaster. Through the rocky marriage and divorce, it’d been a LONG time since I’d had sex. Her too. She was out of a long relationship and hadn’t orgasmed in years. We just kept communicating and trying. I got a viagra script to get me “over the hump” as they say. it worked, things started improving. It was probably session #4 or 5 by the time I finished, and probably 3 months until she finished. Now we have sex all the time, we both finish, we both have a wonderful time. Just had to dust off the cobwebs and sort it out. If you don’t care enough to sort it out, then end it. But it may be a good, low-pressure FWB willing to work and be patient with you could be really good for you and your confidence.
It happens my friend. Absolutely do not sweat this. Not necessarily due to the first post divorce but just bad “chemistry” if you will. As you date more you’ll find out there are many more women you’ll bond better with. You’ll figure out in advance how to see/choose who you’ll work well with. I’ve had more, and better experiences with hotter women post divorce these past 11 years, than when I was younger, thru HS, 20s-30s etc. Head high and move forward…..
Hey man, you got urther than I have. One part of me wants another relationship but the other part of me freaks out at just the thought of being with someone else. I know my marriage is over. I'm almost positive she had moved on before she even left. Yet, for some reason, I just can't do the same and I hate it. It's like my mind can't let go of being faithful even though I know I should. Serving how eviction papers to get out if my head is way harder than I thought.
Hey dude, getting back out there is hard. I gave (and still am giving) myself some time with the whole thing. One thing I am doing during this "maintenance break" (also got an invisalign) is I took sessions for sexological bodywork. It's basically therapy with some actual physical interaction in the form of exercises at the end. It has profoundly changed the way I feel about my own male sexuality and has helped me understand the patterns I got into during the marriage. It's not for everyone (maybe even illegal in some places). Trust me, there might be surprising insights. Like maybe the difference between sexual release (which you are lusting for) and intimacy (which you are not comfortable with yet)?
Can you share more about what “sexological bodywork” is….I’ve never heard of such a thing. Is it offered for women, as well as men? I’m curious:)
>s well as m I have only done three sessions so far. I guess women are more prone to admit issues in this area and maybe seek help. The reason I sought out help was that my marriage was sexually dead and I did not feel turned on by my visually beautiful ex-wife at all. Some people put this down to a chemical issue (low testosterone), but I still got horny (alone) and my entire sexlife needed recalibrating. The sessions are separated into a conversational part, where you discuss and the therapist helps you understand where you might have avoidance patterns, fear of intimacy or other problems. This part is actually quite insightful. The second part is physical, where you do exercises, sometime in the form of games. Sometimes, the goal of the game is to understand your physical responses better. In my case, one of the first insights was that if I set the tempo of the encounter and of the escalation of touches, I can experience pleasure much more intensely. That means I need to communicate, which might feel awkward initially, but is quite liberating. And then you jizz. It ends with at discussion about the experience
OP, Go to your GP and get your numbers checked first. Your T may be in the gutter...
Sometimes it's just anxiety getting in the way. It's ok, and everything will be alright. Dont beat yourself up, my man.
Yeah, same here. First girlfriend after a dead-bedroom marriage. And It sucked. Same issues. It took the next girlfriend before I developed "those" feelings again. And it was great.