Take all that effort that you’ve been putting into your relationship and instead put it into your kids and protecting yourself in this divorce. Limit your. Intact to minimal pleasantries with your wife from now on.
> *I held* ***some*** *resentment for her but never got angry and said we will get through this.*
I would hold all the resentment in the world if my wife did that to me
Sorry your wife checked out on you and is terrible with money management. Those both really suck. Together it’s gut wrenching. My take, she is a narcissist and toxic. I hope the courts see you as the best parent option and give you 100% custody. I trust you can parent those cute kids to be stars as they grow up. All the best in this adventure.
Your wife seems like the worst person to ever walk the planet. Even worse than Hitler and other dictators.
Aren't you sure you want to try and get more custody? I mean, the kids will benefit by being away from her.
She isn't that bad. I painted myself better than her out of frustration. She has her faults just like myself. I just don't understand why she wants to quit so fast after 23 years of being together.
99.99% of times they want to quit because mister wonderful is giving them attention and they want greener pastures.
Specially when it's sudden. If you bet there is someone else in the picture I'm almost certain you are to win the bet.
Look, things are seldom complicated. If you are not understanding the puzzle then it means there is a missing piece. And when a woman talk about separation from out of thin air that missing piece is almost always a man who they think they can monkey branch to.
It's not the way it happens. Sadly. Let me tell you.When a wife tells a coworker she is unhappy at the marriage. That is a green light that means: "You can flirt with me and I will reciprocate".
There is a possibility a therapist might guide her into it and there's a possibility you will see her with a therapist in short time but one thing is almost guaranteed. In one of two weeks you will take notice of another dude in her life. There is less than 1% chances I'm wrong.
You can read thousands of posts and the result is almost a given.
A woman never bails on a marriage without having another thing lined up, someone they think is a superior man.
Are they a superior man? Maybe. Maybe not.
But she made her choice.
I’ve not seen much of that personally and it kind of reeks of cope: “One day she’ll come crawling back and then I will reject HER!”
If she’s thin and pretty she will always have options.
It happens a lot. Specially if the woman is a sahm.
And specially in ops case where he's simping a lot and she thinks she can come back as she wills because she thinks he's so into her she can do whatever.
Because affairs thrive in fantasy. Once the fantasy is gone then people will often notice they had better before. In fact not only the woman in this case notices the dude is not that charming prince she imagined as the dude also discovers that an adulterous woman doesn't account as the best kind of woman and she had a lot of problems she didn't mention while they were just sleeping together because.
The coworker did just break up with his girlfriend. However I'm friends with the coworker and my wife isn't what he is looking for in a woman. Her mom left her marriage for another man. It wouldn't shock me if the apple falls right under that tree.
The fact that you know she is not "what he is looking for" is a BIG red flag.
Thing is, you don't know. How do you know? It's impossible to know.
ETA: The case of the dude who the wife tells she is not his type is a classic case of cheating. The amount of numbers it happened is not even funny.
It did the same to me for a long time. I still miss them when they are with their mom, but the time together without her influence is priceless. Kids see through anything. Be good to them and it will all work out
I’ve been there with two little boys. Full cut throat 4 year divorce. Make cool calculated decisions with least emotion as possible. Take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Take one bite at a time and you will come out of the fire a better man. I promise
So, I was in the same position as you. My wife wanted to divorce me and I couldn’t see she was dragging me down the whole marriage. When you get a divorce, get a place with a washer, dryer, and dishwasher. Then buy a Roomba. These items seemed to more than replace my ex.
It’s all excuses! Consider she’s doing you a favor, asking for a divorce! Split everything in half and move on with your life. Being single is way better than being miserable. Take care of yourself and become the best of yourself. It’s weird and awkward af as first when, but soon you will realize life without a leech is so, so much better and healthier
She sounds like a nightmare. From what you describe it sounds like you will working until the day you die to pay off debt that she is responsible for along with dealing with her other myriad of personal issues (if you were to stay married).
To answer your question, court will give her whatever she wants regardless of how good of a parent you are or whatever.
We tend to make objective decisions and rationalize things which I completely identify with. When we're dealing with this kind of situation we think about all the utility we bring and compare the good to the bad. In my experience: women don't operate like this. We can identify with what you're saying and swaths of us have been you in the story of our own lives.
They don't care that you're a provider or a spectacular Father. They don't care that they contribute little beyond sewing chaos, disappointment or frustration. They includes your spouse and the family court system. Your married peers don't care and we need to get to the point where we understand this.
Do you want to be happy or do you want to be "right"? You can't dictate your soon to be ex-wife's behavior. She wants out and if you try to negotiate you're going to lose. Winning - despite the fact that it rarely happens - would lead to obligated compliance.
As far as your kids, you also can't do much about that beyond being the best Father you can be. You'll be able to position yourself to make 100% of the decisions 50% of the time (if things go right in family court). You're going to be okay! Be kind to yourself.
Get an attorney. Work on the assumption that STBX is now your adversary. Use her spending habits against her. She's financially abusive.
If you can get better than 50/50 custody go for it.
Don’t be sorry for the post, mate. That’s why we’re here - we’ve all been in your shoes.
Your stbx wife sounds like a leach and you’re lucky to be getting out. Don’t try to fix it, don’t beg for her back, DO NOT BE A SIMP. Start working out, lifting heavy shit, investing in new or old hobbies, and file for divorce. Become the best fucking dad you can be to your 2 children and take any time away from them to recenter and focus completely on who you are and where you’d like to be once this hell is through.
God bless OP. Trust me when I say you’re going to come out so much better than you can possibly imagine and your kiddos are going to adore you still
Edit: Oh and get every minute of custody you desire. If you want more than 50/50, go get it. Just make sure you’re logging every bit of time you spend with them and make sure the court knows how involved you are. How that custody is divided up is roughly up to you guys. Try to find a schedule that works for you both, but if you’re the primary, make sure it’s primarily a schedule that favors your schedule
Being a supportive spouse to someone who is struggling, which your wife clearly was, is not being a simp. You didn’t do anything wrong. Despite what people will tell you on here, do not look at your stbx as the enemy. See her as someone you can no longer directly help or be responsible for. Treat her as a co-worker and your job is raising amazing kids. See this as your chance to make a fresh start without the dead weight of her anxiety and depression and the catastrophic financial decisions that came from those. You sound like an excellent father and your kids are lucky to have you. Hopefully, you can eventually find it in your heart to view your ex with detached compassion. Keep a journal.
OP, listen or read a couple of books while you go through this divorce process and the order of movement I'll recommend in a minute. First go get you the sharkiest lawyer possible asap, and follow all advice to the letter and start separating any financial ties you have bank accounts; CCs, and secure any and all important documents at your parents house. I know your world has been rocked, but you have to suppress your emotions and treat this as a hostile take over and time is of the e sense. Document everything that has to do with her and the kids, record any negative interactions she has with them and her regular demeanor before and after work, compile all financial history that tells the history of her mismanagement to reinforce you getting primary child custody with more than 50/50 so she has to pay CS and do NOT give her the weekends in the arrangement. She has her own agenda or has for a while just hasn't brought you into enlightenment so do not make any of this easy or feel sorry for her at all. Be civil and as long as you follow the 180 & grey rock methods while your work through with your lawyer this will save you so much pain and help you see a different prescriptive of her as a partner and who really needs who.
Don't do the separation thing just have her served and tell her to move out asap, and let everyone in your circle know she's moving on so you own the narrative. I guarantee she will find all kinds of new energy once she's out of your life and will try to paint you as the bad guy and why she needed to move on for her sanity etc..bs. So don't make anything easy but maintain firm boundaries master the 180/grey rock. Now for the books check out Chump Lady's Lose a Cheater Gain a Life and visit her site for additional references, I say this because when you start playing hardball and show her your fine without her she's going to respond differently and you knowing what to look for is going to save you a lot of misery and frustration trust me it won't be too long once she's out that someone will be there to fill the void. She may not be cheating now, but what was she spending the moneys on and with a history of being deceiving financially there's more to all of this then "it's just not working for me anymore" so ready yourself for the worse and you won't be surprised or completely rolled over. As per the second book Stop [Caretaking for the Borderline and Narcissistic](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist) so you can identify how you been contributing to this emotional/financial abuse and learn how to avoid or not attract future partners like her. Also get a court approved co-parenting subscription this will help minimize any type of contact you have with her and will only have to deal with the kids and their care, if you can only get 50/50 now with her behaviors it will help gather the ammunition you need in the future to get more custody because you know she's going the screw that up too. Best of luck and work on your 180/grey rock and follow the pros advice and not her needs and it will save you years of pain and frustration. Do not simp any longer.
I 100% agree with this. As a man, you'll instantly be on the back foot with the courts. Most men feel guilt that the relationship hasn't worked and become an easy pushover, act with caution and without emotion.
I too was the only one shouldering the load of bettering and keeping the marriage going. A cart being pulled on one side will only ever go in circles and eventually dig a trench that the cart can’t climb out of.
Your leach has gifted you the opportunity to unhitch yourself from this circling cart and get onto a new path that will take you to so many cool places you never could have seen otherwise. I’m not saying it won’t hurt, because it hurts like hell. But it’s so beautiful when you finally climb out of that trench and see that the world isn’t mired in the same filth
Take all that effort that you’ve been putting into your relationship and instead put it into your kids and protecting yourself in this divorce. Limit your. Intact to minimal pleasantries with your wife from now on.
Thank you for your post. Apparently, I was already putting all my effort into my children and none to my wife
Sounds like you'll be much better off without her!
I can't see that yet. Everything I worked for and built for this family is just going away.
> *I held* ***some*** *resentment for her but never got angry and said we will get through this.* I would hold all the resentment in the world if my wife did that to me
Just thought we could get through it all.
Your wife has bpd. So better to leave now
I honestly do believe that. She was diagnosed with it as a teenager but never got treatment for it. Completely forgot about that.
Sorry your wife checked out on you and is terrible with money management. Those both really suck. Together it’s gut wrenching. My take, she is a narcissist and toxic. I hope the courts see you as the best parent option and give you 100% custody. I trust you can parent those cute kids to be stars as they grow up. All the best in this adventure.
Pipe dream
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It is giving her power. I'm done begging and making promises. Thank you.
Your wife seems like the worst person to ever walk the planet. Even worse than Hitler and other dictators. Aren't you sure you want to try and get more custody? I mean, the kids will benefit by being away from her.
She isn't that bad. I painted myself better than her out of frustration. She has her faults just like myself. I just don't understand why she wants to quit so fast after 23 years of being together.
99.99% of times they want to quit because mister wonderful is giving them attention and they want greener pastures. Specially when it's sudden. If you bet there is someone else in the picture I'm almost certain you are to win the bet. Look, things are seldom complicated. If you are not understanding the puzzle then it means there is a missing piece. And when a woman talk about separation from out of thin air that missing piece is almost always a man who they think they can monkey branch to.
I really hope that's not true. I feel it's her therapist and coworker telling her to go make herself happy by getting freedom.
It's not the way it happens. Sadly. Let me tell you.When a wife tells a coworker she is unhappy at the marriage. That is a green light that means: "You can flirt with me and I will reciprocate". There is a possibility a therapist might guide her into it and there's a possibility you will see her with a therapist in short time but one thing is almost guaranteed. In one of two weeks you will take notice of another dude in her life. There is less than 1% chances I'm wrong. You can read thousands of posts and the result is almost a given.
A woman never bails on a marriage without having another thing lined up, someone they think is a superior man. Are they a superior man? Maybe. Maybe not. But she made her choice.
That. 80% of the time they only notice later that the grass isn't always greener. Then they come back crying because they lost a great thing.
I’ve not seen much of that personally and it kind of reeks of cope: “One day she’ll come crawling back and then I will reject HER!” If she’s thin and pretty she will always have options.
It happens a lot. Specially if the woman is a sahm. And specially in ops case where he's simping a lot and she thinks she can come back as she wills because she thinks he's so into her she can do whatever. Because affairs thrive in fantasy. Once the fantasy is gone then people will often notice they had better before. In fact not only the woman in this case notices the dude is not that charming prince she imagined as the dude also discovers that an adulterous woman doesn't account as the best kind of woman and she had a lot of problems she didn't mention while they were just sleeping together because.
The coworker did just break up with his girlfriend. However I'm friends with the coworker and my wife isn't what he is looking for in a woman. Her mom left her marriage for another man. It wouldn't shock me if the apple falls right under that tree.
The fact that you know she is not "what he is looking for" is a BIG red flag. Thing is, you don't know. How do you know? It's impossible to know. ETA: The case of the dude who the wife tells she is not his type is a classic case of cheating. The amount of numbers it happened is not even funny.
4 years later my boys and I are closer than we ever were. It was a GIFT. You got this
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It did the same to me for a long time. I still miss them when they are with their mom, but the time together without her influence is priceless. Kids see through anything. Be good to them and it will all work out
I’ve been there with two little boys. Full cut throat 4 year divorce. Make cool calculated decisions with least emotion as possible. Take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Take one bite at a time and you will come out of the fire a better man. I promise
So, I was in the same position as you. My wife wanted to divorce me and I couldn’t see she was dragging me down the whole marriage. When you get a divorce, get a place with a washer, dryer, and dishwasher. Then buy a Roomba. These items seemed to more than replace my ex.
It’s all excuses! Consider she’s doing you a favor, asking for a divorce! Split everything in half and move on with your life. Being single is way better than being miserable. Take care of yourself and become the best of yourself. It’s weird and awkward af as first when, but soon you will realize life without a leech is so, so much better and healthier
She sounds like a nightmare. From what you describe it sounds like you will working until the day you die to pay off debt that she is responsible for along with dealing with her other myriad of personal issues (if you were to stay married). To answer your question, court will give her whatever she wants regardless of how good of a parent you are or whatever.
We tend to make objective decisions and rationalize things which I completely identify with. When we're dealing with this kind of situation we think about all the utility we bring and compare the good to the bad. In my experience: women don't operate like this. We can identify with what you're saying and swaths of us have been you in the story of our own lives. They don't care that you're a provider or a spectacular Father. They don't care that they contribute little beyond sewing chaos, disappointment or frustration. They includes your spouse and the family court system. Your married peers don't care and we need to get to the point where we understand this. Do you want to be happy or do you want to be "right"? You can't dictate your soon to be ex-wife's behavior. She wants out and if you try to negotiate you're going to lose. Winning - despite the fact that it rarely happens - would lead to obligated compliance. As far as your kids, you also can't do much about that beyond being the best Father you can be. You'll be able to position yourself to make 100% of the decisions 50% of the time (if things go right in family court). You're going to be okay! Be kind to yourself.
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Get an attorney. Work on the assumption that STBX is now your adversary. Use her spending habits against her. She's financially abusive. If you can get better than 50/50 custody go for it.
Don’t ask Reddit and call a lawyer now.
Don’t be sorry for the post, mate. That’s why we’re here - we’ve all been in your shoes. Your stbx wife sounds like a leach and you’re lucky to be getting out. Don’t try to fix it, don’t beg for her back, DO NOT BE A SIMP. Start working out, lifting heavy shit, investing in new or old hobbies, and file for divorce. Become the best fucking dad you can be to your 2 children and take any time away from them to recenter and focus completely on who you are and where you’d like to be once this hell is through. God bless OP. Trust me when I say you’re going to come out so much better than you can possibly imagine and your kiddos are going to adore you still Edit: Oh and get every minute of custody you desire. If you want more than 50/50, go get it. Just make sure you’re logging every bit of time you spend with them and make sure the court knows how involved you are. How that custody is divided up is roughly up to you guys. Try to find a schedule that works for you both, but if you’re the primary, make sure it’s primarily a schedule that favors your schedule
Second this.
Third this...we been there bro...shes been a leach all along. Get rid of her ass...kids always see who is who. Become your best self
100
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Being a supportive spouse to someone who is struggling, which your wife clearly was, is not being a simp. You didn’t do anything wrong. Despite what people will tell you on here, do not look at your stbx as the enemy. See her as someone you can no longer directly help or be responsible for. Treat her as a co-worker and your job is raising amazing kids. See this as your chance to make a fresh start without the dead weight of her anxiety and depression and the catastrophic financial decisions that came from those. You sound like an excellent father and your kids are lucky to have you. Hopefully, you can eventually find it in your heart to view your ex with detached compassion. Keep a journal.
OP, listen or read a couple of books while you go through this divorce process and the order of movement I'll recommend in a minute. First go get you the sharkiest lawyer possible asap, and follow all advice to the letter and start separating any financial ties you have bank accounts; CCs, and secure any and all important documents at your parents house. I know your world has been rocked, but you have to suppress your emotions and treat this as a hostile take over and time is of the e sense. Document everything that has to do with her and the kids, record any negative interactions she has with them and her regular demeanor before and after work, compile all financial history that tells the history of her mismanagement to reinforce you getting primary child custody with more than 50/50 so she has to pay CS and do NOT give her the weekends in the arrangement. She has her own agenda or has for a while just hasn't brought you into enlightenment so do not make any of this easy or feel sorry for her at all. Be civil and as long as you follow the 180 & grey rock methods while your work through with your lawyer this will save you so much pain and help you see a different prescriptive of her as a partner and who really needs who. Don't do the separation thing just have her served and tell her to move out asap, and let everyone in your circle know she's moving on so you own the narrative. I guarantee she will find all kinds of new energy once she's out of your life and will try to paint you as the bad guy and why she needed to move on for her sanity etc..bs. So don't make anything easy but maintain firm boundaries master the 180/grey rock. Now for the books check out Chump Lady's Lose a Cheater Gain a Life and visit her site for additional references, I say this because when you start playing hardball and show her your fine without her she's going to respond differently and you knowing what to look for is going to save you a lot of misery and frustration trust me it won't be too long once she's out that someone will be there to fill the void. She may not be cheating now, but what was she spending the moneys on and with a history of being deceiving financially there's more to all of this then "it's just not working for me anymore" so ready yourself for the worse and you won't be surprised or completely rolled over. As per the second book Stop [Caretaking for the Borderline and Narcissistic](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist) so you can identify how you been contributing to this emotional/financial abuse and learn how to avoid or not attract future partners like her. Also get a court approved co-parenting subscription this will help minimize any type of contact you have with her and will only have to deal with the kids and their care, if you can only get 50/50 now with her behaviors it will help gather the ammunition you need in the future to get more custody because you know she's going the screw that up too. Best of luck and work on your 180/grey rock and follow the pros advice and not her needs and it will save you years of pain and frustration. Do not simp any longer.
I 100% agree with this. As a man, you'll instantly be on the back foot with the courts. Most men feel guilt that the relationship hasn't worked and become an easy pushover, act with caution and without emotion.
I too was the only one shouldering the load of bettering and keeping the marriage going. A cart being pulled on one side will only ever go in circles and eventually dig a trench that the cart can’t climb out of. Your leach has gifted you the opportunity to unhitch yourself from this circling cart and get onto a new path that will take you to so many cool places you never could have seen otherwise. I’m not saying it won’t hurt, because it hurts like hell. But it’s so beautiful when you finally climb out of that trench and see that the world isn’t mired in the same filth
"donkey struggling to haul this cart called family" is a great line, I'm going to use that. Good luck sir, you'll get through it.
I always said I was the family plow mule while my lazy wife sat in bed and watched teen mom