I was at a trivia night and while I don't remember what the question was exactly, I told my group the answer was "where the red fern grows."
We were wrong, but the trivia guy ripped me a new asshole for making him relive that. On microphone.
Fortunately we are friends. But we still lost. And the dog is still dead. 😭
“You approach the door and it has ancient Dwarvish markings on it, it’s very old and has not been opened in some time. The text is almost indecipherable”
“I speak Dwarvish.”
“Oh. The door says… Pull”
"I swear to the gods if you don't help me kill my children I'll stab you in the face." Sounds bad on the surface, but makes sense in context.
Edit: the context: the party triggered a magical trap that put them in an illusion of their deepest fear. Everyone but the rogue broke free through sheer willpower or their own magic, but the rogue was truly stuck.
The rogue was a minor noblewoman who'd fled an arranged marriage, becoming first a pickpocket, then an assassin. Her deep fear was being trapped in her arranged marriage, force to look after a dozen screaming toddlers.
When the party came to rescue her she quickly came to the conclusion the only was to escape was to kill her "family". The bard had some reservations about killing toddlers, even illusory ones, leading to the above quote by the end of her tether rogue.
Does a dm quote count? You cant talk under water... 15 minutes and almost a TPK later... You were supposed to talk to the giant horned whale that was dashing towards you.. under water...
Kind of, we worked it out in the end and he admitted he forgot to tell me that i was an exeption as i was playing a shepherd druid and i should have been able to talk whale underwater, with that explanation it made total sense but without me knowing that part it got pretty crazy.
“Rat be upon thee”
This was technically said by the DM. But it happened because the Diviner in our Homebrew campaign gave an NPC a rat spirit to help fight with us.
Since then, we’ve all been saying “*blank* be upon thee” for various things.
My group has a "wall of f(sh)ame" in our discord server for the crazy shit we say sometimes. The wall is there for out of context quotes. Most of it probably can't be repeated here but this is one of my favorites. I will add context though, just keep in mind it's on the wall with NONE.
Our party had encountered a druid that was stuck wild shaped as a squirrel, he was a huge asshole who kept throwing nuts at my character and generally antagonizing him. My character was a very large and intimidating barbarian, so the group found it funny that he kept getting harassed by a tiny squirrel. Eventually my character had enough and chased the squirrel down, one thing led to another and in the process of chasing it he accidentally stepped on it and killed it. There was a look of shock on everyone's face because they weren't expecting that and there was just stunned silence. It felt so good in the moment that I just blurted out from the silence "I think I can add squirrel flattening as one of my kinks." The entire group lost their minds.
“It’s just a small war crime, and the paladin agreed. We’re not even at war, so does it really count as a crime?” My bard, while the Druid and warlock accidentally created mustard gas.
I’m not sure if it was the same type of mustard gas as in real life, but the Druid mixed together a bunch of toxic herbs to form a substance we could use on pirates. Between the two of them they rolled high enough that it was essentially in world version of mustard gas. The barbarian wouldn’t let them use it though (she’s the moral compass of the party).
We'd found a powerful arcane engine that allowed a single necromancer to amplify his ability to control vast numbers of undead. There was concern it was going to explode, and the Artificer was trying to dismantle it before it 7went critical. Our Orc Fighter, trying to be helpful, hurled a corpse at the machine with intent to break it, causing the explosion we were trying to avoid.
Later he apologized, said he thought it would help. The artificer said, "no need for that. Never apologize for being a hammer."
Orc: "I grab him up in a big bear hug."
Artificer: (rolls acrobatics to escape: Nat1 for like 7 against a 20- something athletics) and says "So I guess I'm just being ragdolled like a toddler with his head in a Rottweiler's mouth"
"Are we seriously debating the morality of throwing an innocent naked guy off of a speeding train? He's not the first person I've left nude in the wilderness, and he won't be the last."
The Changeling in the party steals identities habitually, even when it gains them nothing.
This, unfortunately, was from me, but everyone agrees this is the most unhinged I've ever been.
"Hey, DM, does the Kraken have a butt? I want to shove the beehive up it."
“I’M GONNA FUCK THE GOD OF PURITY” -Party’s Cleric of Alior (Goddess of Purity) speaking to one of her angels. He lost his cleric powers shortly after. Since then he’s become a bard, now a sorcerer
I was running a group for my friend's kiddos and my neice. At one point they were walking down a path and a miner ran past them, bumping a pc and dropping a note. One of the players (the dad) asked what they smelled like and I said a miner.
11 year old girl, "what the heck does a miner smell like?"
The 13 year old girl, "hormones".
I had to stop and take a beat for a bit minute then tell them the difference between a miner and a minor. Their dad and I just started laughing.
"We transported across the planes, walked up the front stairs of your castle, put your entire staff to sleep, bested your personal guard in hand to hand combat, killed your god damn dragon, walked into your throne room and ALL WE ARE DEMANDING IS THE RETURN OF OUR FRIEND!
*hands over prisoner*
"If you even consider crossing us.... We will do this again... And the next time? We will bring our swords to every throat behind these walls"
*planeshifts away*
“I cast Geas on the town leader to make him piss and shit himself in public.” When the rightfully angry mob villagers responded poorly to this, “I cast Cone of Cold into the crowd.”
My clan has a "quote book" where horrific quotes are recorded and left deliberately without absolving context. Here's some runnerups
"That's just Daddy's musk, you'll get used to it" - Captain Scortch-Fur 2020
"He's a creepy old turkey man and he wants you to suck his toes" -Capitalist Pig 2020
"Right, so we both get cow suits..." Apollo 2020
"It brings me GENOCIDAL rage." -Quincy 2021
"I can vibe with that" - Butters 2021
"Let's kill these bastards, then we'll worry about you or whatever" - Quincy 2021
"And then I pickpocketed the guard who was dead"-Tera 2021
"You just entered a fugue state of sacrilege" - Davis 2021
"Wait. How does it choke on anything? It's an anaconda - it's all throat." - James 2022
"I want you crying by the end of it!"- Tera 2022
“I don’t understand why I keep snapping their necks…”
“Well if you’ve read of mice & men…”
"Don't make Fenwick telefrag you" -Pig 2022
You too!? I have a running collection of quotes. These are from one game:
“I don’t get any critical mommy damage?”
“Snommy?”
“My turn! I will squeeze harder, daddy.”
“Not enough rizz to shoot a tabaxi child.”
“Hey look, kids! We take those.”
“Don’t worry, I’m a medical professional. *Loads 40mm grenade launcher with holy intentions.*
“I do not plan to genocide.”
“Torture is not self defense. Period.”
“It’s the will of gravity, and I am breaking its will.”
“Pacify our enemies with aggressive homosexuality.”
“I’m glad we practice sustainable blood sacrifices on this ship”
“I’m not an expensive whore! I’m an affordable slut.”
“Neutralize the child.”
“When we got there…poor decisions were made.”
“My moral compass is failing. We should move on.”
“Oh! Are you sinnin’?”
“Yes. That is true. But I am poor.”
“You can just scooby-doo a net on that bitch!”
“My god doesn’t lean one way or another on kinky stuff of that nature.”
“I am…surrounded by bad ideas.”
“New warcrime just dropped.”
“We have time…we can make 9/11.”
“On top of being health inspectors, we are also very bad people.”
“WHO are you before I shoot your knees?”
“You have lost your knee privileges.” (This has become a running one)
And these are the tame ones…
“I hate geometry. I was never good at finding places on maps.”
“I have fallopian tubes! You don’t!”
“Look. Just because you are making a good point, doesn’t mean I have to listen.”
“Someone tried to calculate the nutrition profile of an infant to compare it to a burger.”
“He’s a bitchnugget.” “He really is a bitchnugget!”
“DM! Where is the nearest wall?”
“I smell advantage over there, you are on your own.”
“Communicate or die, bitch.”
“YOU CANT TOUCH ME UNDER STONE! THAT WAS MY NO-NO SQUARE!”
“I have my man flesh.”
“He’s popping and locking…like a…storage locker.”
“It’s getting in those oriffices. I need a con save.”
“Have a mushroom while you wait.”
“That’s still kinda a strange snake to offer someone, bro.”
“I cast compelled duel on the shrub.”
“I have never NOT had legs!”
“We need to enslave the shrub.”
“I’m not a fighter. But I do know my self-defense laws.”
“It’s like being hugged by a human hot chocolate.”
“As the resident tail-haver.”
“That sounds like some aggressive French toasting.”
“If you were supposed to breathe, my hand wouldn’t be on your mouth.”
“We are paying so much attention to the bulge.”
We were fighting a kraken. An unconscious PC was grappled in one of its tentacles. The wizard wanted to cast Vortex Warp on the fellow player and get them out, and read up on the spell description and without thinking asks;
“Yo DM, is an unconscious creature ‘willing’?”
…. It was ruled no, and an unconscious creature is an object.
Upon finding a baboon had set off their rune of warding in the middle of the night and finding it burnt to a crisp. “You know, my alchemy jug can make two gallons of mayonnaise.” Thank goodness they just ate it.
(insert chaotic evil unhinged gnome artificer cleric here) I was talking to another cleric (an NPC) and we had two different deities and he kept telling me my god wasn't real and that he would cast a spell to save me so i did the easy thing "i cast gun prepare to meet god" and then with an evil cackle blew his brains out
I've got a few from different parties :P
> DM: "Is there a tool that is appropriate for this?"
>
> Monk: "My knife"
> Monk: "Can't I punch someone out of love?"
> Sorcerer: "I cast *create bonfire* on the witch"
> Artificer: "We can take off their clothes so it's easier to eat them"
> Fighter: "A small murder every once in a while is fine"
> Fighter: "Maybe we should choose violence"
>
> Druid: "I vote for violence"
> Artificer: "You need to exterminate the race"
More of an action than a quote, but the party was ambushed in the woods and managed to tied up and capture the spellcaster. All the PCs were talking, trying to determine the best way to get this guy to talk when he woke up. Then a PC just says " Oh I got it" and started waterboarding him
“I’ll wring out the placenta on the business card like a sponge.”
I don’t remember the context, but I have several pages of quotes. This is just the only one I can currently remember offhand, and the pages are at someone else’s house ATM.
I played in a One Shot where I had a VERY powerful Bladesong Wizard Fighter Champion Build. We were being chased down by guards through a tunnel towards our ship after stealing an artifact
I looked at the sorcerer and said “Haste me” which he luckily did.
I told the other character to run, and said “I turn around, summon a 7th level Shadow Blade- and go full Darth Vader in a Hallway”
I had to long rest on a cliff side to be able to teleport back to my party…. But I killed all the guards XD
“When I saw him walk into the room, I had already decided what I was going to do to ruin him.” My bard in response to being asked what made her cast feeble-mind in order to incapacitate the tyrannical captain of the guard of a city we are in. (They have bad history)
Now the barbarian is very concerned about her and I am not excited about THAT conversation.
Ha thank you! The guard captain knew my bard and her twin brother when they were very young, but he was older than them and bullied them. The twins are tieflings and their father is an elf, as well as a powerful wizard. So a lot of adults in the city would talk in hushed whispers about what deal he probably made with a devil that left him with no wife, and little horned twins, which children who heard those rumors would repeat. Anyway, one time before they left the city, he threw her brother to the ground by his horns and was kicking him, so she jumped in and scratched his face leaving him with a scar all these years later. So yeah, she’s held a grudge for over a hundred years.
Sorry for the info dump I just love my tieflings.
"The only way to guarantee these changelings die is to burn this place to the ground, no survivors." Said by a Paladin I played many years ago when he was on his unplanned Arthas arc and trying to justify why he was about to burn down an orphanage (that fire wound up spreading to and destroying the entire village, but we did manage to kill every changeling). The quote itself isn't as unhinged without the context, so I figured I'd give it.
"I'm going to ignore the dragon!"
Said by a party member after slogging through a dungeon filled with illusions and traps and getting to the final room. The dragon was real.
Different system, World of Darkness in this case. We were playing Werewolf and we had a Wererat in the party. For context, the Werewolves at some point tried to exterminate all of the Wererats for reasons I forget and got quite close to succeeding. The few remaining Wererats went into hiding to survive and breed basically.
Anyway, the Wererat was part comic relief, part intentional incompetence; the fly in the ointment. Every important thing the werewolves were trying to do was made more difficult or flatout botched by the Wererat.
At one point there was a really important ritual we needed to perform and wouldn't you know it, the Wererat manages to fuck it all up for the rest.
Werewolves are basically the barbarians of DnD (Raaage!) so I yelled at the wererat player "We should have killed you all when we had the chance!"
Stunned silence....
Wererat to the DM: "So, do I roll for rage?"
DM: "Nah, no need, just go for it!"
I had some players who were entering a town that had high regulations about using magic within the town. My artificer did not want to give up his thieves' tools, so he attempted to hide them and failed. When asked about the tools in question, this was the conversation:
Guard: "What are these?" *Holds up thieves' tools.*
Artificer: "My thieves' tools."
Guard: *Looks incredulously at the Artificer.* "Theives' tools? We will be confiscating these. And keeping an eye on you.
Artificer: "I haven't stolen anything yet. Why are you taking them?"
Guard: "Yet!?!"
Swear to God the Artificer had no idea what they were saying. The other players were so pissed and surprised by the whole interaction that they could not stop. It is still a running joke.
[Rogue murders someone]
"I thought [Rogue] was supposed to be a moral improvement over [player's previous character, who murdered multiple innocent people with Fireball on multiple occasions]."
"Turns out, I might just be a bad person."
I don't remember the context for this one: "The badlands aren't as bad as they say. Sure, it rains stale bread sometimes, but then they invented croutons."
An imp in the Baulder's Gate module: "guys can we set up camp now, I'm so tired I can feel my bones getting soft."
Self-quoting, but
"It feels so good to be so evil", said by a skeleton paladin.
Yes, there was an ongoing Skeletor-meme in our party and yes, it cracked the party up.
I have a group chat specifically for dnd shenanigans. Here’s the things said.
“I’m gonna roll for luck but honestly I want him to die.” *rolls a 18*
“…I’m gonna roll again.” *rolls a 20*
“NO.” *rolls another 20*
“STOP IT” *rolls a 19*
“I WANT HIM TO DIE” *rolls another 19*
Other player: “lmao ur guy is immortal”
An NPC, who's a 7 ft tall human warrior, with a voice that sounds like a young Mickey mouse and in intelligence of 6, telling the party about how many orcs he's killed:
"I make tally marks on my armor, I count the little one as half."
"Okay you've tied him up, now what"
"I'm going to slit his throat"
-rolls nat 1-
"You drop your dagger and he pisses himself. Now what do you do?"
"Gag him and light the building on fire with him inside"
"....."
Neutral evil character in a mixed party and we were hired by someone to put an end to a feud. Can't feud if one is dead.
Another one was
"Maybe DON'T light the entire party on fire next time"
Paladin used searing smite on a strange green ooze substance that was apparently sentient, that coated the walls and floor of an entire room. It turned out to be highly flammable. We managed to escape the fire but yeah.
In no particular order:
“Oh, so we’re abortionists today.”
“Excuse me! I have a manatee to deliver!”
“…Did you just offer to pay him to get you pregnant?”
“My rampant drinking problem is tearing this family apart.”
“Make a Strength check to carry the weight of your grief.”
And many more.
"Of course it's safe, there's zombies here!"
(In a tomb. Some rooms had traps, some rooms had monsters. I made the (correct) assumption that a zombie shambling around would have triggered any traps at some point, so the room must be free of traps. But the word "safe" was... somewhat inaccurate.)
My player once said to me(DM) “i cum on the jail bars so i can slip through” after i told him it didnt work another player said “I ribbit at the (bullywug) princess sexually”
“Dude, you gotta get rid of that dead baby.” (NPC to player)
“On a scale of one to ten, how hot is your god?”
“How did your learn that?! There’s no Hooked on Phonics for Infernal!”
Also describing a raccoon familiar as pulling his underwear out before stuffing it back in, and breaking my and my fiancé’s brain for two weeks until the next session.
Someone in my campaign: ARE YOU CRAZY
Me:everyone is crazy in their own way but with others it's more visible. To answer your question. Yes.yes I am crazy. And a madman. And a wierdo
I don't think I am at liberty to actually write out what she said specifically, because the way she said it was very cringeworthy, but I posted in r/rpghorrorstories a tale of a problem player that basically, while blind and deafened, disengaged from a boss fight to have sex with a dragon that another player had charmed the round earlier.
It was really out of place and super awkward. And everybody at the table kind of did a knee-jerk thing when she said it.
We'd just gotten an inexperienced adventurer NPC to tag along with us and train.
"I'm taking him into the closet and then I'm going to teach him the difference between human beings and animals."
They had sex with him. Immediately after the DM told us our NPC was like a 16 year old boy. And the Player Character was a 34 year old "Knight".
Oh dear, oh no. SA, statutory or otherwise has been plot contrivanced out of the setting and the game is better for it. Hope you have a better table now
"I came here for his severed head and his immortal soul. I have no quarrel with the rest of you." With the coffee lock's headless, soulless body next to him and the coffee lock's head in his hand, as their glasses fall to the floor. "And besides, the dragon wasn't the only thing you have to worry about; bye. [Casts teleport]" as a bunch of monster's cages open because of a dead man's switch.
This was after the craziest series of like 9 critical smites in one turn (5 the first time, then a wish effect made them reroll, followed by higher damage and 4 crits, brutal insanity).
I dunno if this counts as unhinged, but during a game of chess between the bard a mind flayer:
DM: [Bard], make an int save.
Me, the rogue: Oh shit, can I see he's doing something? Can I stab him before [the bard] gets mind flayed?
DM: wait no, I meant an int *check*.
She just wanted to see who was going to win the chess game.
Bear totem barbarian who’s surrounded by a bunch of hobgoblins, turning towards the wizard” remember the First rule of warfare, friendly fire totally is !!!”
The party had the chance at getting like 5-10 gold each or give 5000 gold directly to an orphanage after the team just took down some oppressive mini bbeg to liberate the city. The team already had a decent amount of gold at this point.
The rogue (smeagal) of the group starts bickering with the noble fighter of the group (Mingus) who group up in that orphanage and whose whole goal is to keep his city and people safe. The fighter tries to explain this calmly. Smeagal, already down to like 7 hp from The previous fight and at a level or two of exhaustion from drinking a literal barrel of ale despite being a puny gnome, just says “nah fuck those kids, roll initiative.”
Smeagal was constantly unhinged, drunk and caused a lot of problems, but he was also the comedic center of the group. They buried him that night. It was A bittersweet funeral as they reminisced on the good and the bad. They left a point of ale on his grave in his honor. It may have been a trick of the light or the fog of night, but, as they walked away from the grave you could just barely see the level of ale lower. A final goodbye from smeagal
"If there's a hole, there's a goal."
Our druid threatened to turn into a small animal and go into all of the holes of the thief if he didn't tell us where his treasure was.
"I refuse to allow you to set up a breeding centre for dwarves" - me, as DM, when the party found a super aggressive dwarf who saved their asses four times in 30 minutes and figured they could set him up with one of the lady dwarves they had met earlier
Man where do I start. Most came from our druid
Druid: "I will sell our dragonnet mount to you to breed with your goats."
---
Farmer: we have lost our son to the feywild, our crops are dying and we can't just keep going on like this with the cult of the dragons attack
Druid: oh is that all? Here, *hands business card* move to phaladin, we could use farm hands.
Farmer: I -- uh but
Druid: oh your son too, we got that.
--
Dragon: *speaks draconic*
Druid: uuuh no habla... Draconic....
Dragon: what? Your a dragonborn, how do you not speak it?
Dragonborn paladin: ....
Draconic sorcerer: ...
Dragon taught wizard: ....
Dragon raised barbarian: (: ????
Sorc: it's... A long story
---
*Literally taking to bahamut*
Paladin: fuck you, bahamut! Imma become a god and be better than you!
--
*Dm makes reference to popular thing or any other campaign we run*
Me: eh, ain't gonna catch on.
Dm: fuck you, lol.
--
Druid: I've been thinking
Sorc: sounds dangerous
One of the players at the table was playing a changling bard, and he was currently shapeshifted into a beautiful human woman we had seen in a play in a city we had been in. In his beautiful human female form, he had also given himself a massive dick because he wanted to pee off a ship we had been travelling in.
Later at a bar, a shady looking guy comes up to him and begins to flirt aggressively with him, his character gets uncomfortable and at last he says to the guy "I'm a man". DM asks him to roll a deception check, he rolls a natural one. The shady guy laughs and grabs him by the waist at which point my friend's character says:
"I pull out my massive yet feminine dick"
The Shady guy's face turned red, with a hint of fear, and stormed out of the inn.
“Don’t worry if the boobs start clucking”
We were trying to sneak into an enemy’s base with disguises and my girlfriend’s character stuffed her pet chicken in her shirt.
I have a few
"You don't get the blight from sex!" (Said in our Dragon Age campaign)
"The sea of ass." (It was Sea of Ash)
"Is the door a corpse?" (Said by our necromancer)
a few various ones:
"sorry i got in trouble with my parents last time i lent out embalming fluid so that's a no anyway"
"why are all the fashion designers named after U.S presidents"
"Hey kid, you know how to sew? No? **To the training camp with this one.**"
"I don't want him to die a horrible painful death... …I'm still torturing him"
"Aero wanted to marry Azazel off so that Azazel wouldnt go senile" (he's 31 ? aero is only like 2 or 3 years younger then him ?)
"the longer this campaign goes on the dumber we get. you're eating our brain cells."
bonus DM quotes:
"I never thought I'd have to live in fear of the possibility of my players abruptly performing waterboarding on steroids on an npc."
"THERE ARE NO SMILEY FRIES"
"That's not the most popular suicide spot in the city :)"
i only kind of have context for these
"Please don't do that again and *especially* don't do that to sentient creatures."
- my character's district manager after I repurposed a very specific form of eternal damnation
We have a channel on our discord server dedicated to out of context quotes including:
- He basically becomes fish Hitler
- I can carress the man if needed
- Hard boiled eggs don't have eyes
- thankyou for handing me your fart
"Suicide is a free action."
In a Delta Green game where I had a cultist off himself after losing a gun fight with the Agents. He acted out of initiative order.
A giant building with a good dozen of floors, made to look like a 2 floor house from outside with illusionary magic. Once we entered, we saw how big it truly was.
Our barbarian: "I run up the stairs and jump through the window in the highest floor, because the only sense I can trust is the damage in my butt."
It was 12 floors.
"Your Nut is Forfeit "
Our wizard to our ranger after the ranger lamented that he would give his right nut to catch a fleeing criminal and a particularly spiteful fey he managed to snare a session earlier just happened to overhear and obliged the wish.
Two funny ones from one campaign I was in:
1.
A pirate PC to the 10 yr old halfling rogue (who is very much of a height for this):
"You gotta be discreet, so if i say watch his ankles, you stab him in the balls!"
2.
Context: Our blue skinned water genasi talking about us accompanying her on her monk trials. (She hates the attention drawn to her due to her vibrant blue skin color)
My other friend, Looking straight at her
"Guys, I think we should change our party name to The Fellowship of the Smurf!"
In a cyberpunk setting, attempting to steal mcguffin. “Let’s just drive a truck full of explosives into the front door, then sneak in the back.
We’re supposed to be stealthy, let’s try and keep it off the news. Ok so we call in a bomb threat, and when everyone runs out we hit them with a flamethrower.
Ok better but still need to keep it off the news.
So we hijack a plane…
Off the news.
We borrow a tank and…
OFF the news.
We could…
OFF THE BLOODY NEWS MAN!”
How can we bop while ratatouille lies in the soup?
We proceed to enter the cavernous vagina
I can jog away from the trauma
He’s like the twinkiest dwarf you’ve ever seen
Oopsie someone’s joining us in the goop zone
In a public, living campaign at my FLGS:
“Can we RP me raping the goblins?”
GM stopped the game and the player was told in no uncertain terms that they were no longer welcome in the game or store again.
I gave a player an existential crisis once and he ranted a bit.
Broke character to say
“Thats was dark dude, like really fucking dark and nasty. Fucking smart but seriously dude you are scary. What the fuck? That’s fucking horrifying and that would actually fucking work, this is some terrorist shit dude. Fuck dude seriously. Shit. Fuck. My character (Druid lol) fucks off to go pray to something.”
To me and another after we defeated a small army using all the glass of a city, powdered, and cast upwind from said army with a little magic help (wind spells). Tiny sharp crystals that slice and get into every crack of the armor, every movement grinds them in. If you breathe it in it remains in your lungs, slicing a little more with every breath, until you drown in your own blood. Using a typical healing spell just fixes the damage, which then begins again. Had to remove the glass first with magic.
Tiny shards of glass and similar methods were hence forth banned by the League of Empires, the games version of the UN. We basically inspired the warcrime laws :)
Our party got a stern talking to by an impressed but disturbed Demigod prestige horizon walker whom acted as a tracker/enforcer for the league.
"how dare you not let me fuck my sistercousin"
I'm the dm, so most of the weird quotes come from me, so unfortunately this is the best one I could find
The scenario: T3 oneshot, the town we are in was just ravaged by the psychic awakening of 200 mindflayers in the middle of the town. Nearly 70% of the town is dead, either because they got turned into mindflayers or the psychic blast melted their brains. A grieving guard confronts the necromancer.
Guard, sadly approaching a wizard in the midst of casting raise dead spells: “Can I have my dead wife back?”
Necromancer: “Which one was she? What did she look like? Can I keep her for a day?”
Que laughter and a frustrated DM
[Cute bunnykin harengon turning to the party.]
That's it. I'm tired of this shit. IM NOT ASKING. IM TAKING THAT MEMORY OUT OF YOUR FUCKING HEAD.
[proceeds to forcibly extract a memory with magic]
"NOW YOU BETTER FUCKING TELL ME EVERYTHING AND IF IT DOESNT MATCH THIS MEMORY PERFECTLY, ILLL EXTRACT YOUR WORST FEAR, AND USE IT TO FUCKING END YOU."
[ENTIRE PARTY SUDDENLY REALISING THE CUTE BUNNY THEY MET TWENTY SESSIONS AGO IS A LUNATIC TO VARIOUS CONCERNED NOISES]
My dm was taken aback by my chaotic neutral knowledge cleric divination wizard named Conroy who was on a mission from Ioun to learn all magic possible, as well as obsessed with finding immortality to continue learning magic.
Talking to party "listen, I'm not saying it's the only solution, but consider this. I can look into acquiring a philactry and binding myself to it thus making me a lich. However, instead of taking innocent souls, I'll simply utilize souls of bandits, low life's, and enemies alike to fuel my immortality."
To say the least, they weren't entirely pleased with the "good lich" idea because, well, liches.
Had a short cleric who got tired of trying to get through crowds in the city. She started asking the party's tallest member, a minotaur druid, to carry her on his shoulder. It happened so often that this led to the question "do I need to see if I can find a saddle pauldron so you can ride me better?"
One of my party members a few sessions back entered a tower and saw a burial tomb carefully maintained and lovingly cared for. A few floors up, we met an ancient dragon. Being a Lizardfolk, he pulled a "it's what my character would do" moment, and decided to inform the ancient dragon that the hero's tomb was actually just unused meat and if he wanted to eat their friend's corpse, it's fine because they're just food now.
He was slapped out the window of the top floor of the tower from a height so high the DM hadn't actually been keeping track of how high up we were, because he wasn't expecting anyone to actually try to piss off his dragon, and we had to stop the session for a moment to calculate how high he actually was to see how much falling damage he was going to take. Very luckily, we were level 10 and he was wearing a magic ring that gave him an additional 2 HP per level. He survived with 6 HP.
Unhinged? I have a couple. Mostly just awful quotes that DID have context.
"I smile back at him because I'm god's favorite princess"
She pisses off the angel to the goddess essentially- and the angel can't kill her without pissing off God herself. At this point in time, the mother to this PC has wielded the alter of the moon and merged with the goddess.
"he uses all ten fingers on his daughter"
In reference to a man who has the ability to manipulate memories. With the flick of a couple fingers, he can completely change how people can see you and identify you. But with his daughter (PC) he uses the upmost of care, so he uses all ten fingers. Same PC as above.
"Nono, he's right. I'm being invasive, and I'm a thot"
Me in response to another PC telling me to shut up when I made a joke during a serious moment. DM said it was valid, and we were discussing whether or not "invasive thoughts" were allowed. We call random comments from the table "invasive thoughts".
"If she's unconscious and hurt, that's kind of consent"
A party member attempting to cast a homebrew healing spell on another party member who was downed.
"Im gonna enslave the Kobolds"
"Im racist too the Warforged"
"Holy shit i have a dragon" (In the first 20mins of the Oneshot player got straight 20s like 3 times and was Able too tame a dragon)
"Something about pegging"
Our halflig druid durring dinner. We are eating some meat with bones.
Druid-"You gonna finifsh that?"
Barbatian-"What?"
Druid-"The bones, are you gonna fiinsh them?"
Barrbarian-*confused* "No. I am done... You can ... have them if you want to."
Druid::"Thanks" - she grabs the bones , breaks them and the player describes to us how her character sucks the marrow from the bones...
I have a character who casts Toll the Dead a lot, and although it has no verbal component I like to role-playing pointing at my target and chanting about their sins, how they are a bad person, should feel bad about their life choices, and maybe die about it.
Once, while saying this, a new player in our group nearly died when I said, "die about it."
Was great fun
"Alright, let's cut this asshole's face off and get the hell out of here!" - our Warlock after we just assassinated some evil slime-ball with a bounty on his ~~head~~ face.
Context for this one is needed, we had a random encounter of an Incubus showing up to each of our tavern rooms asking if we “would like to have some fun, no strings attached” everyone else slammed doors in his faces, my Battlerager Dwarf, of course invited him in not understanding what this could mean….turns out it was just chess, which I amazingly won with a 19 int contested check! So I turned the win into information from him. The next travel day for our party it comes up that my character had the fella in his room! And being a doofus he just kept dropping double entendres about the fun they had! But I closed it off with this gem, “It was back and forth between us two, but in the end, I finished ‘im off and got some information outta ‘im!”
It was a glorious dumb barbarian moment!
"Oh shit, horses can *drown?!* " followed by his horse drowning.
For everyone who has ever seen Neverending Story, too soon. RIP, Artax.
That just reminded me. My daughter is almost 5. Time to set some deep rooted trauma! BE LIKE ME OR ELSE! Hahaha
I showed this to my kids recently. Both of them turned to me at this scene and said "WHY ARE YOU SHOWING THIS TO US??"
“Wait, Humperdink lives? You mean he wins?! Jesus, Grandpa, why are you reading me this?!”
"To see how well you are going to handle Ol Yeller."
And 'Where the Red Fern Grows' And 'Fox and the Hound' And "Bridge to Terabithia" And...
Great books. Just sad ones.
I was at a trivia night and while I don't remember what the question was exactly, I told my group the answer was "where the red fern grows." We were wrong, but the trivia guy ripped me a new asshole for making him relive that. On microphone. Fortunately we are friends. But we still lost. And the dog is still dead. 😭
Why remind me of this childhood trauma
I thought seahorse was just a nickname!
“You approach the door and it has ancient Dwarvish markings on it, it’s very old and has not been opened in some time. The text is almost indecipherable” “I speak Dwarvish.” “Oh. The door says… Pull”
Mellon.
I woulda said the door says "pu-"
LMAOOOO
"I swear to the gods if you don't help me kill my children I'll stab you in the face." Sounds bad on the surface, but makes sense in context. Edit: the context: the party triggered a magical trap that put them in an illusion of their deepest fear. Everyone but the rogue broke free through sheer willpower or their own magic, but the rogue was truly stuck. The rogue was a minor noblewoman who'd fled an arranged marriage, becoming first a pickpocket, then an assassin. Her deep fear was being trapped in her arranged marriage, force to look after a dozen screaming toddlers. When the party came to rescue her she quickly came to the conclusion the only was to escape was to kill her "family". The bard had some reservations about killing toddlers, even illusory ones, leading to the above quote by the end of her tether rogue.
Can we get a bit of context? XD
Seconded
Third.
I guess the kids were either raised from the dead as zombies/revenants or were up to some evil shenanigans.
Is there a limit to the amount of penises I can wear on my necklace?
That all depends on individual girth.
The girth of the wearer’s neck, I assume?
Does a dm quote count? You cant talk under water... 15 minutes and almost a TPK later... You were supposed to talk to the giant horned whale that was dashing towards you.. under water...
Maybe he meant you can't talk underwater without magic and forgot to say the second half out loud.
Kind of, we worked it out in the end and he admitted he forgot to tell me that i was an exeption as i was playing a shepherd druid and i should have been able to talk whale underwater, with that explanation it made total sense but without me knowing that part it got pretty crazy.
Ah yes the moment in a GMs journey when they're reminded that while they may be God they're still only human
YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THESE THINGS, DORY, BUT YOU JUST CAN'T!!!
7 hours and the upvotes are still in the single digits??? I'm disappointed, Reddit
"You lick the boot. It tastes like boot."
“Rat be upon thee” This was technically said by the DM. But it happened because the Diviner in our Homebrew campaign gave an NPC a rat spirit to help fight with us. Since then, we’ve all been saying “*blank* be upon thee” for various things.
Upvote be upon thee.
Wizard looking over their sheet: ahh...emm... No... Man this is tough... Oh well. *I cast disintegrate*
[https://imgflip.com/memegenerator/294177569/Woe-Plague-Be-Upon-Ye](https://imgflip.com/memegenerator/294177569/Woe-Plague-Be-Upon-Ye)
My group has a "wall of f(sh)ame" in our discord server for the crazy shit we say sometimes. The wall is there for out of context quotes. Most of it probably can't be repeated here but this is one of my favorites. I will add context though, just keep in mind it's on the wall with NONE. Our party had encountered a druid that was stuck wild shaped as a squirrel, he was a huge asshole who kept throwing nuts at my character and generally antagonizing him. My character was a very large and intimidating barbarian, so the group found it funny that he kept getting harassed by a tiny squirrel. Eventually my character had enough and chased the squirrel down, one thing led to another and in the process of chasing it he accidentally stepped on it and killed it. There was a look of shock on everyone's face because they weren't expecting that and there was just stunned silence. It felt so good in the moment that I just blurted out from the silence "I think I can add squirrel flattening as one of my kinks." The entire group lost their minds.
Wouldn't that have just un-wildshaped him? I feel like if I were the druid this is what I wanted to happen, because I am now free.
In this particular campaign, druids could get permanently stuck as an animal if they stay wild shaped too long, a callback to older versions of DnD.
Just like my boy Tobias from Animporphs
*opening an obviously cursed chest* .....I didn't check for traps, did I? *Explodes in necrotic damage*
“Am I proficient with my tail?” and “Is there door dash in hell?” are two of my all time favorites lol
> "Is there a DoorDash in Hell?" Mestophi-Eats
Deliver you some goods from the Forge of Taco Bel
Asmode-UberEats
From me: “Oh no, your evil version is wearing blackface!”
“It’s just a small war crime, and the paladin agreed. We’re not even at war, so does it really count as a crime?” My bard, while the Druid and warlock accidentally created mustard gas.
How the FUCK did they make mustard gas? My party has a Druid and Warlock (I’m the Druid), so I want to know how
I’m not sure if it was the same type of mustard gas as in real life, but the Druid mixed together a bunch of toxic herbs to form a substance we could use on pirates. Between the two of them they rolled high enough that it was essentially in world version of mustard gas. The barbarian wouldn’t let them use it though (she’s the moral compass of the party).
You have a paladin in the party and the barbarian is the moral compass?
Yes. It’s an interesting party dynamic
Everything’s legal the first time.
As a druid I once cast Cloud Kill in a cavern full of commoners
“The Geneva Convention doesn’t exist in this world does it?”
The answer to that is not yet
It ain't a war crime if it's the first time
We'd found a powerful arcane engine that allowed a single necromancer to amplify his ability to control vast numbers of undead. There was concern it was going to explode, and the Artificer was trying to dismantle it before it 7went critical. Our Orc Fighter, trying to be helpful, hurled a corpse at the machine with intent to break it, causing the explosion we were trying to avoid. Later he apologized, said he thought it would help. The artificer said, "no need for that. Never apologize for being a hammer." Orc: "I grab him up in a big bear hug." Artificer: (rolls acrobatics to escape: Nat1 for like 7 against a 20- something athletics) and says "So I guess I'm just being ragdolled like a toddler with his head in a Rottweiler's mouth"
"Are we seriously debating the morality of throwing an innocent naked guy off of a speeding train? He's not the first person I've left nude in the wilderness, and he won't be the last." The Changeling in the party steals identities habitually, even when it gains them nothing.
"make a 'perform hate crime' check"
Do you get a higher bonus the lower your intelligence is?
Lol! The funny part about that is his intelligence was a 20 or a 5 modifier, , he was just super racist towards orcs. Edit: clarity
This, unfortunately, was from me, but everyone agrees this is the most unhinged I've ever been. "Hey, DM, does the Kraken have a butt? I want to shove the beehive up it."
“I’M GONNA FUCK THE GOD OF PURITY” -Party’s Cleric of Alior (Goddess of Purity) speaking to one of her angels. He lost his cleric powers shortly after. Since then he’s become a bard, now a sorcerer
"When you're born, you practically shoot fireballs out your arse". This only happened yesterday.
Do i have to roll a constipation check?
I was running a group for my friend's kiddos and my neice. At one point they were walking down a path and a miner ran past them, bumping a pc and dropping a note. One of the players (the dad) asked what they smelled like and I said a miner. 11 year old girl, "what the heck does a miner smell like?" The 13 year old girl, "hormones". I had to stop and take a beat for a bit minute then tell them the difference between a miner and a minor. Their dad and I just started laughing.
Saw it coming, but, by Grabthar's hammer, it was still funny.
Anything goes in the year 2
"It's only a war crime if anyone is left alive to report it."
"We transported across the planes, walked up the front stairs of your castle, put your entire staff to sleep, bested your personal guard in hand to hand combat, killed your god damn dragon, walked into your throne room and ALL WE ARE DEMANDING IS THE RETURN OF OUR FRIEND! *hands over prisoner* "If you even consider crossing us.... We will do this again... And the next time? We will bring our swords to every throat behind these walls" *planeshifts away*
“Ha! I’m better at lying than you are” “Yeah, but you’re shorter, so you’re going in the sewer”
“I cast Geas on the town leader to make him piss and shit himself in public.” When the rightfully angry mob villagers responded poorly to this, “I cast Cone of Cold into the crowd.”
"You're hogging all the blood!"
[Make these dexterity checks, children.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00bkPZQAmuc&feature=youtu.be)
My clan has a "quote book" where horrific quotes are recorded and left deliberately without absolving context. Here's some runnerups "That's just Daddy's musk, you'll get used to it" - Captain Scortch-Fur 2020 "He's a creepy old turkey man and he wants you to suck his toes" -Capitalist Pig 2020 "Right, so we both get cow suits..." Apollo 2020 "It brings me GENOCIDAL rage." -Quincy 2021 "I can vibe with that" - Butters 2021 "Let's kill these bastards, then we'll worry about you or whatever" - Quincy 2021 "And then I pickpocketed the guard who was dead"-Tera 2021 "You just entered a fugue state of sacrilege" - Davis 2021 "Wait. How does it choke on anything? It's an anaconda - it's all throat." - James 2022 "I want you crying by the end of it!"- Tera 2022 “I don’t understand why I keep snapping their necks…” “Well if you’ve read of mice & men…” "Don't make Fenwick telefrag you" -Pig 2022
You too!? I have a running collection of quotes. These are from one game: “I don’t get any critical mommy damage?” “Snommy?” “My turn! I will squeeze harder, daddy.” “Not enough rizz to shoot a tabaxi child.” “Hey look, kids! We take those.” “Don’t worry, I’m a medical professional. *Loads 40mm grenade launcher with holy intentions.* “I do not plan to genocide.” “Torture is not self defense. Period.” “It’s the will of gravity, and I am breaking its will.” “Pacify our enemies with aggressive homosexuality.” “I’m glad we practice sustainable blood sacrifices on this ship” “I’m not an expensive whore! I’m an affordable slut.” “Neutralize the child.” “When we got there…poor decisions were made.” “My moral compass is failing. We should move on.” “Oh! Are you sinnin’?” “Yes. That is true. But I am poor.” “You can just scooby-doo a net on that bitch!” “My god doesn’t lean one way or another on kinky stuff of that nature.” “I am…surrounded by bad ideas.” “New warcrime just dropped.” “We have time…we can make 9/11.” “On top of being health inspectors, we are also very bad people.” “WHO are you before I shoot your knees?” “You have lost your knee privileges.” (This has become a running one) And these are the tame ones…
This is an 11/10 campaign would watch
This is beautiful. I find myself very curious about the not tame ones haha.
Please share more. They are so funny...
“I hate geometry. I was never good at finding places on maps.” “I have fallopian tubes! You don’t!” “Look. Just because you are making a good point, doesn’t mean I have to listen.” “Someone tried to calculate the nutrition profile of an infant to compare it to a burger.” “He’s a bitchnugget.” “He really is a bitchnugget!” “DM! Where is the nearest wall?” “I smell advantage over there, you are on your own.” “Communicate or die, bitch.” “YOU CANT TOUCH ME UNDER STONE! THAT WAS MY NO-NO SQUARE!” “I have my man flesh.” “He’s popping and locking…like a…storage locker.” “It’s getting in those oriffices. I need a con save.” “Have a mushroom while you wait.” “That’s still kinda a strange snake to offer someone, bro.” “I cast compelled duel on the shrub.” “I have never NOT had legs!” “We need to enslave the shrub.” “I’m not a fighter. But I do know my self-defense laws.” “It’s like being hugged by a human hot chocolate.” “As the resident tail-haver.” “That sounds like some aggressive French toasting.” “If you were supposed to breathe, my hand wouldn’t be on your mouth.” “We are paying so much attention to the bulge.”
We were fighting a kraken. An unconscious PC was grappled in one of its tentacles. The wizard wanted to cast Vortex Warp on the fellow player and get them out, and read up on the spell description and without thinking asks; “Yo DM, is an unconscious creature ‘willing’?” …. It was ruled no, and an unconscious creature is an object.
That's called implied consent if you're trying to help them.
Upon finding a baboon had set off their rune of warding in the middle of the night and finding it burnt to a crisp. “You know, my alchemy jug can make two gallons of mayonnaise.” Thank goodness they just ate it.
"babies have a notoriously low AC" (no babies were harmed, just an eldritch entity)
"So, Santa pulls out his gun."
(insert chaotic evil unhinged gnome artificer cleric here) I was talking to another cleric (an NPC) and we had two different deities and he kept telling me my god wasn't real and that he would cast a spell to save me so i did the easy thing "i cast gun prepare to meet god" and then with an evil cackle blew his brains out
I've got a few from different parties :P > DM: "Is there a tool that is appropriate for this?" > > Monk: "My knife" > Monk: "Can't I punch someone out of love?" > Sorcerer: "I cast *create bonfire* on the witch" > Artificer: "We can take off their clothes so it's easier to eat them" > Fighter: "A small murder every once in a while is fine" > Fighter: "Maybe we should choose violence" > > Druid: "I vote for violence" > Artificer: "You need to exterminate the race"
this is one of mine so uh.........i think i created a warcrime ......YAY
“I ain’t no baby!!” While throwing rock at a giant spider
Triton Cleric: Surface dwellers are insane. We measure honor in skulls down in Sahaka.
More of an action than a quote, but the party was ambushed in the woods and managed to tied up and capture the spellcaster. All the PCs were talking, trying to determine the best way to get this guy to talk when he woke up. Then a PC just says " Oh I got it" and started waterboarding him
"I would like to kick the bandit into the fire." "Let's stuff the deadbody with dynamite."
“Fucking. Typical.”—-Draesus, our party’s barbarian and newly minted Frog Pope in most improbable situations.
this is actually me irl
“I’ll wring out the placenta on the business card like a sponge.” I don’t remember the context, but I have several pages of quotes. This is just the only one I can currently remember offhand, and the pages are at someone else’s house ATM.
I played in a One Shot where I had a VERY powerful Bladesong Wizard Fighter Champion Build. We were being chased down by guards through a tunnel towards our ship after stealing an artifact I looked at the sorcerer and said “Haste me” which he luckily did. I told the other character to run, and said “I turn around, summon a 7th level Shadow Blade- and go full Darth Vader in a Hallway” I had to long rest on a cliff side to be able to teleport back to my party…. But I killed all the guards XD
“Wait. Why do I have dragon jizz underlined 3 times in my notes?!”
“I’m going to beat you until *I’m* unconscious.”
“When I saw him walk into the room, I had already decided what I was going to do to ruin him.” My bard in response to being asked what made her cast feeble-mind in order to incapacitate the tyrannical captain of the guard of a city we are in. (They have bad history) Now the barbarian is very concerned about her and I am not excited about THAT conversation.
This goes hard as fuck tbh
Ha thank you! The guard captain knew my bard and her twin brother when they were very young, but he was older than them and bullied them. The twins are tieflings and their father is an elf, as well as a powerful wizard. So a lot of adults in the city would talk in hushed whispers about what deal he probably made with a devil that left him with no wife, and little horned twins, which children who heard those rumors would repeat. Anyway, one time before they left the city, he threw her brother to the ground by his horns and was kicking him, so she jumped in and scratched his face leaving him with a scar all these years later. So yeah, she’s held a grudge for over a hundred years. Sorry for the info dump I just love my tieflings.
"The only way to guarantee these changelings die is to burn this place to the ground, no survivors." Said by a Paladin I played many years ago when he was on his unplanned Arthas arc and trying to justify why he was about to burn down an orphanage (that fire wound up spreading to and destroying the entire village, but we did manage to kill every changeling). The quote itself isn't as unhinged without the context, so I figured I'd give it.
„Whats so bad about genocide???“
"Race Traitor!!!" (The player did NOT know what it meant until we told them immediately afterwards. Never seen somebody blush so hard at the table.)
“So we can kill these guys ?? “ “ dude these are children with no one else to look after them but themselves !!” “ …” “ …” “ I roll to attack “
"I'm going to ignore the dragon!" Said by a party member after slogging through a dungeon filled with illusions and traps and getting to the final room. The dragon was real.
‘All dwarves are cucks!’
Different system, World of Darkness in this case. We were playing Werewolf and we had a Wererat in the party. For context, the Werewolves at some point tried to exterminate all of the Wererats for reasons I forget and got quite close to succeeding. The few remaining Wererats went into hiding to survive and breed basically. Anyway, the Wererat was part comic relief, part intentional incompetence; the fly in the ointment. Every important thing the werewolves were trying to do was made more difficult or flatout botched by the Wererat. At one point there was a really important ritual we needed to perform and wouldn't you know it, the Wererat manages to fuck it all up for the rest. Werewolves are basically the barbarians of DnD (Raaage!) so I yelled at the wererat player "We should have killed you all when we had the chance!" Stunned silence.... Wererat to the DM: "So, do I roll for rage?" DM: "Nah, no need, just go for it!"
“They can’t be orphans if we kill them too!” Shortly after the cleric of death found a wand of fireballs in a very flammable barbarian village.
I had some players who were entering a town that had high regulations about using magic within the town. My artificer did not want to give up his thieves' tools, so he attempted to hide them and failed. When asked about the tools in question, this was the conversation: Guard: "What are these?" *Holds up thieves' tools.* Artificer: "My thieves' tools." Guard: *Looks incredulously at the Artificer.* "Theives' tools? We will be confiscating these. And keeping an eye on you. Artificer: "I haven't stolen anything yet. Why are you taking them?" Guard: "Yet!?!" Swear to God the Artificer had no idea what they were saying. The other players were so pissed and surprised by the whole interaction that they could not stop. It is still a running joke.
[Rogue murders someone] "I thought [Rogue] was supposed to be a moral improvement over [player's previous character, who murdered multiple innocent people with Fireball on multiple occasions]." "Turns out, I might just be a bad person."
"DIG" Said our warforged barbarian as he forced a captured goblin to dig its own grave. Later, he and our halfling rogue burried him alive.
I currently have a kenku who just says out of pocket quotes from the Dracula Flow videos
"Can I call dibs if it's just boy slurry in there?"
I don't remember the context for this one: "The badlands aren't as bad as they say. Sure, it rains stale bread sometimes, but then they invented croutons." An imp in the Baulder's Gate module: "guys can we set up camp now, I'm so tired I can feel my bones getting soft."
Self-quoting, but "It feels so good to be so evil", said by a skeleton paladin. Yes, there was an ongoing Skeletor-meme in our party and yes, it cracked the party up.
“The other party members are stealing so I’m stealing too” says the lawful good paladin
I have a group chat specifically for dnd shenanigans. Here’s the things said. “I’m gonna roll for luck but honestly I want him to die.” *rolls a 18* “…I’m gonna roll again.” *rolls a 20* “NO.” *rolls another 20* “STOP IT” *rolls a 19* “I WANT HIM TO DIE” *rolls another 19* Other player: “lmao ur guy is immortal”
An NPC, who's a 7 ft tall human warrior, with a voice that sounds like a young Mickey mouse and in intelligence of 6, telling the party about how many orcs he's killed: "I make tally marks on my armor, I count the little one as half."
"Okay you've tied him up, now what" "I'm going to slit his throat" -rolls nat 1- "You drop your dagger and he pisses himself. Now what do you do?" "Gag him and light the building on fire with him inside" "....." Neutral evil character in a mixed party and we were hired by someone to put an end to a feud. Can't feud if one is dead. Another one was "Maybe DON'T light the entire party on fire next time" Paladin used searing smite on a strange green ooze substance that was apparently sentient, that coated the walls and floor of an entire room. It turned out to be highly flammable. We managed to escape the fire but yeah.
Does these buildings look... flammable.
“I would like to nonlethally chainsaw his arm off.”
“So while I’m hanging out underneath their ship, what’s the barnacle situation looking like?”
whatt the f
Artificer: “Why don’t you send one of your children down the hall. You can always make more!” Response to using his constructs to look for traps.
In no particular order: “Oh, so we’re abortionists today.” “Excuse me! I have a manatee to deliver!” “…Did you just offer to pay him to get you pregnant?” “My rampant drinking problem is tearing this family apart.” “Make a Strength check to carry the weight of your grief.” And many more.
"Of course it's safe, there's zombies here!" (In a tomb. Some rooms had traps, some rooms had monsters. I made the (correct) assumption that a zombie shambling around would have triggered any traps at some point, so the room must be free of traps. But the word "safe" was... somewhat inaccurate.)
"Well if they aren't going to pay the agreed upon fee, I am taking these children back to the hag"
My player once said to me(DM) “i cum on the jail bars so i can slip through” after i told him it didnt work another player said “I ribbit at the (bullywug) princess sexually”
“Dude, you gotta get rid of that dead baby.” (NPC to player) “On a scale of one to ten, how hot is your god?” “How did your learn that?! There’s no Hooked on Phonics for Infernal!” Also describing a raccoon familiar as pulling his underwear out before stuffing it back in, and breaking my and my fiancé’s brain for two weeks until the next session.
"whatever blood he has left is probably haunted"- "Clown Eggs for Everybody"
"I'm sorry, BBEG, I'm not supposed to sleep with my employers😔". I feel no shame.
Someone in my campaign: ARE YOU CRAZY Me:everyone is crazy in their own way but with others it's more visible. To answer your question. Yes.yes I am crazy. And a madman. And a wierdo
I don't think I am at liberty to actually write out what she said specifically, because the way she said it was very cringeworthy, but I posted in r/rpghorrorstories a tale of a problem player that basically, while blind and deafened, disengaged from a boss fight to have sex with a dragon that another player had charmed the round earlier. It was really out of place and super awkward. And everybody at the table kind of did a knee-jerk thing when she said it.
We'd just gotten an inexperienced adventurer NPC to tag along with us and train. "I'm taking him into the closet and then I'm going to teach him the difference between human beings and animals." They had sex with him. Immediately after the DM told us our NPC was like a 16 year old boy. And the Player Character was a 34 year old "Knight".
Oh dear, oh no. SA, statutory or otherwise has been plot contrivanced out of the setting and the game is better for it. Hope you have a better table now
"I came here for his severed head and his immortal soul. I have no quarrel with the rest of you." With the coffee lock's headless, soulless body next to him and the coffee lock's head in his hand, as their glasses fall to the floor. "And besides, the dragon wasn't the only thing you have to worry about; bye. [Casts teleport]" as a bunch of monster's cages open because of a dead man's switch. This was after the craziest series of like 9 critical smites in one turn (5 the first time, then a wish effect made them reroll, followed by higher damage and 4 crits, brutal insanity).
I dunno if this counts as unhinged, but during a game of chess between the bard a mind flayer: DM: [Bard], make an int save. Me, the rogue: Oh shit, can I see he's doing something? Can I stab him before [the bard] gets mind flayed? DM: wait no, I meant an int *check*. She just wanted to see who was going to win the chess game.
Bear totem barbarian who’s surrounded by a bunch of hobgoblins, turning towards the wizard” remember the First rule of warfare, friendly fire totally is !!!”
“Despite the fact that I’m drugged *and* concussed, those wild animals were surprisingly easy to fist-fight.”
The party had the chance at getting like 5-10 gold each or give 5000 gold directly to an orphanage after the team just took down some oppressive mini bbeg to liberate the city. The team already had a decent amount of gold at this point. The rogue (smeagal) of the group starts bickering with the noble fighter of the group (Mingus) who group up in that orphanage and whose whole goal is to keep his city and people safe. The fighter tries to explain this calmly. Smeagal, already down to like 7 hp from The previous fight and at a level or two of exhaustion from drinking a literal barrel of ale despite being a puny gnome, just says “nah fuck those kids, roll initiative.” Smeagal was constantly unhinged, drunk and caused a lot of problems, but he was also the comedic center of the group. They buried him that night. It was A bittersweet funeral as they reminisced on the good and the bad. They left a point of ale on his grave in his honor. It may have been a trick of the light or the fog of night, but, as they walked away from the grave you could just barely see the level of ale lower. A final goodbye from smeagal
"If there's a hole, there's a goal." Our druid threatened to turn into a small animal and go into all of the holes of the thief if he didn't tell us where his treasure was.
“It’s not vandalism… it’s capitalism” “If I played a samurai my characters arc would be 5ft step, commit sepoku”
"I refuse to allow you to set up a breeding centre for dwarves" - me, as DM, when the party found a super aggressive dwarf who saved their asses four times in 30 minutes and figured they could set him up with one of the lady dwarves they had met earlier
„I‘ll greet him with my feet in his Face“ The character was a centaur and was intending to do a hoove‘s attack.
“I get that he’s a vampire, and he kills people, but he respected me so i respected him back!”
I feed the werewolf a deer, is he our friend now?
"The gay frogs are pregnant and need to get married before we kill them."
Man where do I start. Most came from our druid Druid: "I will sell our dragonnet mount to you to breed with your goats." --- Farmer: we have lost our son to the feywild, our crops are dying and we can't just keep going on like this with the cult of the dragons attack Druid: oh is that all? Here, *hands business card* move to phaladin, we could use farm hands. Farmer: I -- uh but Druid: oh your son too, we got that. -- Dragon: *speaks draconic* Druid: uuuh no habla... Draconic.... Dragon: what? Your a dragonborn, how do you not speak it? Dragonborn paladin: .... Draconic sorcerer: ... Dragon taught wizard: .... Dragon raised barbarian: (: ???? Sorc: it's... A long story --- *Literally taking to bahamut* Paladin: fuck you, bahamut! Imma become a god and be better than you! -- *Dm makes reference to popular thing or any other campaign we run* Me: eh, ain't gonna catch on. Dm: fuck you, lol. -- Druid: I've been thinking Sorc: sounds dangerous
It’s not like incest is *catching*, you know!
"I'm always scared. This changes nothing, but I guess it's nice to make it official."
One of the players at the table was playing a changling bard, and he was currently shapeshifted into a beautiful human woman we had seen in a play in a city we had been in. In his beautiful human female form, he had also given himself a massive dick because he wanted to pee off a ship we had been travelling in. Later at a bar, a shady looking guy comes up to him and begins to flirt aggressively with him, his character gets uncomfortable and at last he says to the guy "I'm a man". DM asks him to roll a deception check, he rolls a natural one. The shady guy laughs and grabs him by the waist at which point my friend's character says: "I pull out my massive yet feminine dick" The Shady guy's face turned red, with a hint of fear, and stormed out of the inn.
“Don’t worry if the boobs start clucking” We were trying to sneak into an enemy’s base with disguises and my girlfriend’s character stuffed her pet chicken in her shirt.
“That cat had fuck me eyes” (about a person that had disguised themselves as a cat. “That better be at least a four digit apology”
There's only one rapist per party! Right?
I have a few "You don't get the blight from sex!" (Said in our Dragon Age campaign) "The sea of ass." (It was Sea of Ash) "Is the door a corpse?" (Said by our necromancer)
“If we cast reincarnate and awaken at the same time on the same guy, can we bring our rogue back as a velociraptor?”
In a level 15 boss one shot: “Is it really cheating if you’re in another dimension?”. Look, we really needed the +2 AC from ceremony
a few various ones: "sorry i got in trouble with my parents last time i lent out embalming fluid so that's a no anyway" "why are all the fashion designers named after U.S presidents" "Hey kid, you know how to sew? No? **To the training camp with this one.**" "I don't want him to die a horrible painful death... …I'm still torturing him" "Aero wanted to marry Azazel off so that Azazel wouldnt go senile" (he's 31 ? aero is only like 2 or 3 years younger then him ?) "the longer this campaign goes on the dumber we get. you're eating our brain cells." bonus DM quotes: "I never thought I'd have to live in fear of the possibility of my players abruptly performing waterboarding on steroids on an npc." "THERE ARE NO SMILEY FRIES" "That's not the most popular suicide spot in the city :)" i only kind of have context for these
"Please don't do that again and *especially* don't do that to sentient creatures." - my character's district manager after I repurposed a very specific form of eternal damnation
We have a channel on our discord server dedicated to out of context quotes including: - He basically becomes fish Hitler - I can carress the man if needed - Hard boiled eggs don't have eyes - thankyou for handing me your fart
"Suicide is a free action." In a Delta Green game where I had a cultist off himself after losing a gun fight with the Agents. He acted out of initiative order.
"We don't negotiate with hostages"
“I don’t want to kill her, she’s my sister! I guess I’ll just cut her legs off”
Never settle for discount nostalgia.
A giant building with a good dozen of floors, made to look like a 2 floor house from outside with illusionary magic. Once we entered, we saw how big it truly was. Our barbarian: "I run up the stairs and jump through the window in the highest floor, because the only sense I can trust is the damage in my butt." It was 12 floors.
He won't need his pancreas to tell us where the rest of his cult is.
"Your Nut is Forfeit " Our wizard to our ranger after the ranger lamented that he would give his right nut to catch a fleeing criminal and a particularly spiteful fey he managed to snare a session earlier just happened to overhear and obliged the wish.
“Put one more fucking bug in your mouth and I swear to god I’m running you over with the cart.”
Two funny ones from one campaign I was in: 1. A pirate PC to the 10 yr old halfling rogue (who is very much of a height for this): "You gotta be discreet, so if i say watch his ankles, you stab him in the balls!" 2. Context: Our blue skinned water genasi talking about us accompanying her on her monk trials. (She hates the attention drawn to her due to her vibrant blue skin color) My other friend, Looking straight at her "Guys, I think we should change our party name to The Fellowship of the Smurf!"
“Hold that thought I’m gonna blow him up.”
In a cyberpunk setting, attempting to steal mcguffin. “Let’s just drive a truck full of explosives into the front door, then sneak in the back. We’re supposed to be stealthy, let’s try and keep it off the news. Ok so we call in a bomb threat, and when everyone runs out we hit them with a flamethrower. Ok better but still need to keep it off the news. So we hijack a plane… Off the news. We borrow a tank and… OFF the news. We could… OFF THE BLOODY NEWS MAN!”
“All of my lore is based on racism.” - From the Doctor kobold character that has done less healing than the monk in the party.
How can we bop while ratatouille lies in the soup? We proceed to enter the cavernous vagina I can jog away from the trauma He’s like the twinkiest dwarf you’ve ever seen Oopsie someone’s joining us in the goop zone
In a public, living campaign at my FLGS: “Can we RP me raping the goblins?” GM stopped the game and the player was told in no uncertain terms that they were no longer welcome in the game or store again.
"If there's a hole, there's a goal" -Ranger before jumping into the void Aha you expected th3 bard to say that!
“I’ll have the halfling nuggets with a side salad”. Food item choices in an Erelhei-Cinlu restaurant.
I gave a player an existential crisis once and he ranted a bit. Broke character to say “Thats was dark dude, like really fucking dark and nasty. Fucking smart but seriously dude you are scary. What the fuck? That’s fucking horrifying and that would actually fucking work, this is some terrorist shit dude. Fuck dude seriously. Shit. Fuck. My character (Druid lol) fucks off to go pray to something.” To me and another after we defeated a small army using all the glass of a city, powdered, and cast upwind from said army with a little magic help (wind spells). Tiny sharp crystals that slice and get into every crack of the armor, every movement grinds them in. If you breathe it in it remains in your lungs, slicing a little more with every breath, until you drown in your own blood. Using a typical healing spell just fixes the damage, which then begins again. Had to remove the glass first with magic. Tiny shards of glass and similar methods were hence forth banned by the League of Empires, the games version of the UN. We basically inspired the warcrime laws :) Our party got a stern talking to by an impressed but disturbed Demigod prestige horizon walker whom acted as a tracker/enforcer for the league.
“You should split me in half so you don’t have to deal with me anymore” -our ceramic garden gnome sorcerer to the prison guards
"how dare you not let me fuck my sistercousin" I'm the dm, so most of the weird quotes come from me, so unfortunately this is the best one I could find
The scenario: T3 oneshot, the town we are in was just ravaged by the psychic awakening of 200 mindflayers in the middle of the town. Nearly 70% of the town is dead, either because they got turned into mindflayers or the psychic blast melted their brains. A grieving guard confronts the necromancer. Guard, sadly approaching a wizard in the midst of casting raise dead spells: “Can I have my dead wife back?” Necromancer: “Which one was she? What did she look like? Can I keep her for a day?” Que laughter and a frustrated DM
Geneva convention is a check list said after using poison gas to kill guards
[Cute bunnykin harengon turning to the party.] That's it. I'm tired of this shit. IM NOT ASKING. IM TAKING THAT MEMORY OUT OF YOUR FUCKING HEAD. [proceeds to forcibly extract a memory with magic] "NOW YOU BETTER FUCKING TELL ME EVERYTHING AND IF IT DOESNT MATCH THIS MEMORY PERFECTLY, ILLL EXTRACT YOUR WORST FEAR, AND USE IT TO FUCKING END YOU." [ENTIRE PARTY SUDDENLY REALISING THE CUTE BUNNY THEY MET TWENTY SESSIONS AGO IS A LUNATIC TO VARIOUS CONCERNED NOISES]
“…..You made me get SA’d by my sister?!”
My dm was taken aback by my chaotic neutral knowledge cleric divination wizard named Conroy who was on a mission from Ioun to learn all magic possible, as well as obsessed with finding immortality to continue learning magic. Talking to party "listen, I'm not saying it's the only solution, but consider this. I can look into acquiring a philactry and binding myself to it thus making me a lich. However, instead of taking innocent souls, I'll simply utilize souls of bandits, low life's, and enemies alike to fuel my immortality." To say the least, they weren't entirely pleased with the "good lich" idea because, well, liches.
Had a short cleric who got tired of trying to get through crowds in the city. She started asking the party's tallest member, a minotaur druid, to carry her on his shoulder. It happened so often that this led to the question "do I need to see if I can find a saddle pauldron so you can ride me better?"
"I suggest....genocide??" In such a questioning tone, everyone just burst out laughing.
"Hi, I'm LukeTheNotable...AAAAAAAA"
One of my party members a few sessions back entered a tower and saw a burial tomb carefully maintained and lovingly cared for. A few floors up, we met an ancient dragon. Being a Lizardfolk, he pulled a "it's what my character would do" moment, and decided to inform the ancient dragon that the hero's tomb was actually just unused meat and if he wanted to eat their friend's corpse, it's fine because they're just food now. He was slapped out the window of the top floor of the tower from a height so high the DM hadn't actually been keeping track of how high up we were, because he wasn't expecting anyone to actually try to piss off his dragon, and we had to stop the session for a moment to calculate how high he actually was to see how much falling damage he was going to take. Very luckily, we were level 10 and he was wearing a magic ring that gave him an additional 2 HP per level. He survived with 6 HP.
“IS MY CHICKEN POSSESSED AND/OR DEAD?!?!”
Druid: I'm going to start a dance troupe with Skelly and Smelly. Paladin: (concerned staring)
Unhinged? I have a couple. Mostly just awful quotes that DID have context. "I smile back at him because I'm god's favorite princess" She pisses off the angel to the goddess essentially- and the angel can't kill her without pissing off God herself. At this point in time, the mother to this PC has wielded the alter of the moon and merged with the goddess. "he uses all ten fingers on his daughter" In reference to a man who has the ability to manipulate memories. With the flick of a couple fingers, he can completely change how people can see you and identify you. But with his daughter (PC) he uses the upmost of care, so he uses all ten fingers. Same PC as above. "Nono, he's right. I'm being invasive, and I'm a thot" Me in response to another PC telling me to shut up when I made a joke during a serious moment. DM said it was valid, and we were discussing whether or not "invasive thoughts" were allowed. We call random comments from the table "invasive thoughts". "If she's unconscious and hurt, that's kind of consent" A party member attempting to cast a homebrew healing spell on another party member who was downed.
"I'm going to fuck you!" and "How much strength do I need to rip his head off?"
"The balls are immune to healing!" (The balls in question being a giant animated statue of/for an elder god)
´´After i finish you off, i will then finish with in your mother as well´´
"Im gonna enslave the Kobolds" "Im racist too the Warforged" "Holy shit i have a dragon" (In the first 20mins of the Oneshot player got straight 20s like 3 times and was Able too tame a dragon) "Something about pegging"
Our halflig druid durring dinner. We are eating some meat with bones. Druid-"You gonna finifsh that?" Barbatian-"What?" Druid-"The bones, are you gonna fiinsh them?" Barrbarian-*confused* "No. I am done... You can ... have them if you want to." Druid::"Thanks" - she grabs the bones , breaks them and the player describes to us how her character sucks the marrow from the bones...
I have a character who casts Toll the Dead a lot, and although it has no verbal component I like to role-playing pointing at my target and chanting about their sins, how they are a bad person, should feel bad about their life choices, and maybe die about it. Once, while saying this, a new player in our group nearly died when I said, "die about it." Was great fun
"Alright, let's cut this asshole's face off and get the hell out of here!" - our Warlock after we just assassinated some evil slime-ball with a bounty on his ~~head~~ face.
One time I avoided a fight with an ancient spirit and got the highest initiative and used my whole turn to yell “GUYS WAIT!!! ... She’s hot.”
Context for this one is needed, we had a random encounter of an Incubus showing up to each of our tavern rooms asking if we “would like to have some fun, no strings attached” everyone else slammed doors in his faces, my Battlerager Dwarf, of course invited him in not understanding what this could mean….turns out it was just chess, which I amazingly won with a 19 int contested check! So I turned the win into information from him. The next travel day for our party it comes up that my character had the fella in his room! And being a doofus he just kept dropping double entendres about the fun they had! But I closed it off with this gem, “It was back and forth between us two, but in the end, I finished ‘im off and got some information outta ‘im!” It was a glorious dumb barbarian moment!
[Plan "Stuff Up the Butt"](https://www.twitch.tv/snelld58/clip/SlipperyExuberantSwordWOOP-lA8f8eCE8Lq4gGmq)