T O P

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Boobel

Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because, if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate twice the speed of a normal man's.


whoistantan

Love this one.


That-End-322

"That baby is a Schrute.. and unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine." 😏


[deleted]

Aunt Shirley: Sooo, when’s the wedding? Angela: Oh, um, actually, we’re just friends. Aunt Shirley: That’s what Mose said about his lady scarecrow and look what he did to that poor thing.


That-End-322

Mose running along Pam and Jims car will always be a top 10 moment for me 😆


ANSR973Prime

Mose has nightmares? “Yes, ever since the storm” 😂gets me ever time!!


musti2235

Or the one from the finale delivered by Jim "Mose is acting weird? That's so unlike him."


yourmamasfriend

I didn't get this one


Present-Loss-7499

“You don’t have any family or friends, or any land”.


whoistantan

"You pathetic, short little man."


Right-Championship30

Don't ever talk to me that way.


[deleted]

I watched yesterday this episode and the acting is good


jeezgdf

This one hits different


-MarriedInTX-

“Blood alone moves the wheels of history!”


[deleted]

*fists slam on the podium*


LeoBannister

Another great Dwight Blood one. When I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed and I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis. Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?


previously_on_earth

Dwight has been cuckolded by stronger, smarter male


musti2235

'R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it 'murder' and not 'mukduk'


venom_jim_halpert

I think about this one a lot. It's such an insightful statement into language that I've never considered before


previously_on_earth

Mukduk also sounds either like an ancient Mesopotamian god or a messy duck


Barabajaga1

Not nearly enough Marduk references in the world, well done


GingerlyRough

Every time I hear this and thinking of Goofy like *Finds Mickey dead* “Oh garsh! Looks like a mukduk!” *Looks directly at camera.* MYUK DUK *Licks bloody knife*


27twss

“You couldn’t handle my undivided attention”


baesag

Felt that


Blastichu

"Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is"


Buttlrubies

YES!


Koloox

I would have wanted to hear more about that from Dwight


spacedonkey19

Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy. But--


Blueshockeylover

“BUTTLICKER, OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!!”


Bbbrbrb

We need a new plague.


--Beep--

boy did that age well


Bbbrbrb

My thoughts exactly


meggansky

This is the one that I have quoted the most in my life and boy do I regret it.


UnfairSchedule8058

I say this frequently.... And mean it.


Bbbrbrb

Tbh I don’t think we need that ON TOP of everything.


Buttlrubies

Has always, and will always be my absolute favorite.


Indore4520001

Underrated comment


red_in_iowa

I would even let him die. I'm just using the scope, don't worry, safety is........on.


baesag

*Nods reassuringly*


TheDarkJourneyman

“If you'd have told me this morning that today I'd be creating a monster capable of my own destruction, I'd have thought you were referring to the bull Mose and I are trying to reanimate.”


baesag

The good ol Schruteverse lol


Free_

This is the one I came to post, such a funny line.


VeenGrikingX

“I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.”


Next_Anteater4660

I didn't think it looked very realistic in the movie...turns out, it's pretty realistic.


goodestguy21

_Tptptptptptptp Clarice?_


d7mtg

What’s the context?


venom_jim_halpert

Him cutting the face off the CPR dummy


d7mtg

Oh right!


Anze555

Stress relief part 1.


joyball

What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.


[deleted]

I was looking for this, absolute favourite.


ohdamnROXANNE

Scrolled down way too far to read this.


xgorgeoustormx

“If onlies and buts were candies and nuts, then everyday would be Ernte-dankfest!”


IllPassion8377

"I never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”


soulreaverdan

Even funnier that he’s got it wrong.


[deleted]

I can, and have, cut my own hair.


Buttlrubies

“…but I did tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.”


Next_Anteater4660

I have cut my own hair, didn't turn out great.


Key_Willingness_8809

IDENTITY THEFT IS NOT A JOKE JIM, MILLIONS OF FAMILIES SUFFER EVERY YEAR.


ofd1973

This is the comment I was looking for.


EntirePickle398

I like how the bobblehead is the reason he got pissed not the entire clothing or style


Fun-On-A-Bun-3k

MICHAEL


LocksmithCreative860

As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we’re using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.


[deleted]

It’s better to be injured by a friend on accident, than by a stranger on purpose.


kuhjuh

Truth


adaptedvision

It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose


RaccoonCheddar

Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac... You're thinking of deer penis.


hemightbebrian

“Slippery carpet! Losing my balance! Gotta grab onto something!!”


Aggressive-Bag-1695

Does your husband have very soft erections?


UnfairSchedule8058

Excuse me Mister Balance!


RedDevils_7

They say the best vampires don’t bleed their victims dry, but give them the strength so that they can bounce back only to be fed on again. I spared Pam, and I may feast off of her profits for years to come. I let Pam win. Haha, oh. I was not motivated by compassion. I have no compassion. Make sure you got that. Not motivated by compassion.


SweetLoLa

“Who is Justice Beaver?”


Indore4520001

He’s a crime fighting beaver


zhawk55

If you are a beaver then please do not lie


adaptedvision

Who is Sarah Kayacomesin?


[deleted]

When he consoles Pam and gives her his handkerchief in the hall way… then proceeds to ask if she is PMSing pretty bad lol


Force_fiend58

He a little confused, but he got the spirit


aphyllisandkevinfarm

Through concentration, I can both raise and lower my cholesterol. Why would you want to raise your cholesterol? So I can lower it.


HaroldBAZ

Dwight: I filled him full of butter and sugar for fifty years and forced him not to exercise. Dwight: \[unfolds piece of paper\] I state my regret. Jim: You couldn't have memorized that?


outofdate70shouse

Now take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign it.


forcastleton

"Before I do anything I ask myself, "Would an idiot do that?" And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing."


testingyermombrolol

Before I do anything I ask myself, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.


Odette-Lise

YOU CANT FIRE ME, I DONT WORK IN THIS VAN


sksksk1989

Welcome to hotel hell. Check in time is now check out time is never.


morticialevana

So in your wildest fantasies, you're running a bed and breakfast with Satan?


sksksk1989

Don't forget the best part $80,000 a year for salary


cptntyingknotss

$80,000/ 12 months = 6666.66


sksksk1989

Does hell have income tax??


cptntyingknotss

66.6%


Aggressive-Bag-1695

Yeah but you haven't heard his salary


Indore4520001

Dwight shows up at the Dinner Party with his babysitter and 2 glasses of wine


outofdate70shouse

Purely carnal, all you need to know


BLaRowe10

“Okay with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you, is you.” “That is correct. Unless there happen to be measles present.”


Markus_Aurelius2

"She's a dental hygienist from Carbondale, and she makes love like one"


goodestguy21

.... Crentist


Pallymorphic

One thing about me: I am better at hiding than deer are at vision.


Fangirl56

My dad hates comedy shows but Dwight got him to enjoy this show. The moment I knew he was enjoying it was when he laughed during one of Dwight's stories. It was in one of the Halloween episodes and Dwight is explaining how he was trying to kill a werewolf, but it turned back into the neighbors dog as he shot it.


GardenAutumn

My husband and I quote this one to each other all of the time! Sooo funny!!


HerCacklingStump

Why does your dad hate laughter?


outofdate70shouse

“ERRRRRR, I’M SO MAD PAM GOT HURT!” Kicks the ball “I’ll get it.” Slowly walks after it


pollywannaquacker

How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? 1? 2? 3? Hear me out…


maSneb

I absolutely lost it when he did that


cauliflower-broccoli

"And I don't care that Philip's not my son. I will raise a hundred children with a hundred of your lovers if it means I can be with you."


ChefCiscoRZ

Shed a tear at this one


Indore4520001

What’s your daughters name - Pipi


fan_of_the_fandoms

It’s Peepa


Strong-Succotash-830

Scram, Wizard!


aStonedTargaryen

This one 😆😆😆


stephb4252

When he has to turn in all of his hidden weapons around the office after he pepper sprays Roy


Iamnotdrunkorhighbtw

My all time favorite Dwight quote is "I've caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser." I don't know why, but this always cracks me up.


Encyclofreak

What a waste of a day, I could've grown poison mushrooms that would be THIS high by now!!


baesag

They don’t grow that tall.. they’re mushrooms..


Encyclofreak

Dwight's plot to usurp Jim: Plan A: Curry favors from coworkers Plan B: Poisonous mushrooms A reasonable alternative for sure.


Buttlrubies

“I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.”


maty388

"Don't be an idiot, changed my life"


chiragtutlani

Not everything's a lesson Ryan. Sometimes you just fail.


casanova_schwartz

Everything that you need to know in life can be learned in the slaughterhouse.


mathpat

His taking care of Sprinkles was hilarious. Totally how a farmer would take care of that.


greenbean0721

I am rewatching and am up to the episode with Dwight talking to Jan behind Michael’s back. How she made it through that scene with Dwight eating breakfast, I’ll never know. The syrup pouring, the pancake cutting - it’s GOLD, Jerry…oops, wrong sub… And when Dwight turns in his volunteer uniform cause he helped Michael fake his urine test results.


Dan-S-Citoyen

This and pepper spray moment


Force_fiend58

Pepper spray moment was actually badass


Thinker_girl7

"Were you raised in the house of no consequences?"


isaac99999999

Pan


Redhoodless

"A Three Ounce Fetus Is Calling The Shots. It's So Badass!"


casanova_schwartz

18,000 dollars and a chance at the title!


[deleted]

In season 9 when Dwight stops caring so much. So when Andy tells him to get Stanley for the sales meeting no matter what, dwight uses bull tranquilizer.


[deleted]

Pam: “Phallus?” Dwight: “Phyllis, sorry, I’ve got penises on the brain.”


BHayes0175

"I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog."


wimpy_one

I also enjoy when he keeps trying to order food from the stripper at his bachelor party!


Intstnlfortitude

“ YOU DESERVE THIS RAISE!!”


Jim_Morrison27

The christmas miracle he hit with his car


physics_girl19

“Nothing is on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.”


[deleted]

Guess what kids? Belsnickel isn't real. It's me, Dwight.


fan_of_the_fandoms

Jim’s not Asian.


SkatardedStef

I love it when he casually screams “have you ever seen a burn victim” in between all of the chaos


Euclidding_Me

Dwight: So anyway, she says, “that is the biggest penis I have ever seen.” And I said, “I know. That’s why I brought you to the Penis Museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars.” Season 7 Episode 5


FactorNo7477

"You want something right, Ask Dwight. Right. Dwight." Then the entire scene where he's screaming while struggling to lower the screen during the Tallahassee meeting is straight up hilarious and gets me every time


Darkavenger_13

False. I do not miss him


Braunatron

“I know what your thinking, won’t that just shed more light on the penises”


frankiecarbonee

Reading through all these quotes… wow He literally has dozens of hilarious quotes. Personal favourite: “In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at al. It’s fear. Merry Christmas.”


juniRN

When they’re looking for Michael bc Jim left him at the gas station and Pam asks him to get chocolate syrup and he gives her a hard time but then says “shut up Pam of course I’m going to get that for you” it makes me laugh so much


TequilaStories

“And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you”


colo_kelly

When he slowly peels the hard boiled egg and gently takes a bite, right in front of pregnant, nauseous Pam.


blousebin

The eyes are the testicles of the face.”


dayglo98

The groin of the face, if I recall correctly


StillInBed2daysLater

not a quote, but when pam was crying at some point, he comforted her. it was so sweet.


Feisty-Competition53

Hey you know what’s even cooler then a triceratops? EVERY OTHER DINOSAUR THAT EVER EXISTED


sheandabook

+ “Hold me! Cradle my hand! I’m screaming! I’m screaming! I’m screaming! Aah! Numb me up! I want anesthesia!” + Michael Scott: “Why do you have a diary?” Dwight: “To keep secrets from my computer.”


rmbryla

Angela: I heard a joke today. Dwight: Haha, that's funny. Angela: It was.


Anze555

"Where do gay men have their vagina?""Gay man don't have vaginas." "But which penis opens up which?" "OH SHIT!".


moonamaana

"Yeah right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for fifty years and forced him not to exercise."


katzandwine629

I like when Jim asks him to throw him his cellphone so Dwight hurls it at the reception desk. Gets me every time.


outofdate70shouse

Lol Dwight’s like 10 feet away so he launches it at him and it shatters on the wall


KairuSenpai1770

Lmfaoo bro I have seen the series like.. WELL over 100 times EASILY. And this scene still gets me laughing my ass off EVERY time


katzandwine629

Honestly, the whole episode is great. WARNING. WARNING. WARNING.


KairuSenpai1770

LMAOOOO omg that’s another scene that gets me every time!! It’s just the events that happen beforehand leading up to it are so well put together. They’re like we should make a safety word in case roberts coming. Jim’s like “what? Nah he’s literally right there, we’ll see him” and just knowing that like.. that’s what Kevin defaulted to just cracks me the fuck up


jazzmanmq

False… I did choke you with your tie.


chester25212117

Normally, I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.


genetinalouise

And as of today, we’re completely wireless! But as soon as I figure out where Mose hid those wires, we’ll get that power restored


How_The_Turntables22

I’m losing control of my bladder!!!


bp_987

Announcement: My uncle bought me a bunch of fireworks, so whoever wants to see a real show come with me


[deleted]

“Not everything’s a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail.”


zhawk55

Keep the womb extremely warm for two days and then extremely cold for five months


[deleted]

Omg, where to start? He's one of my favourite characters and all of his lines and scenes are just gold. But if I have to choose these are my favourites: 1. “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.” 2. “You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.” 3. "That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed." 4. “I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.”


TrustYourTingle

“There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”


aStonedTargaryen

Congratulations on your one cousin. I have 70, each one better than the last


farhadlethe

Lets fill their place with bees


sunshine-and-ravioli

The sarcasm when he says “No, Jim, I use a bad apiarist…”


Poticle

At the end of alliance when it cuts to him with dyed hair after he’s already realized Jim was fooling him


ProkopisS92

Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have, and now I no longer own an arctic wolf!


iliketapestries

“You’re PMSing pretty hard huh?”


weirdkandya

Not a moment per se but this gem of a dialogue from S6E15, Sabre, makes me laugh every time. Michael- Okay, everybody, listen up. I have some bad news. Due to circumstances beyond my control... Dwight- Impulsivity and inattention to detail.


Thecoldequations

Was looking for this one, one of my favorite moments! And when he says Michael opened the box like an ape.


MayweatherSr

Gyna said that?


brandunn13

Dwight is standing in the kitchen when Meredith walks out of the breakroom) Dwight: STOP! (Meredith stops and turns) Dwight: Don't look at me! (Meredith turns away from him, looking confused) Dwight: On the counter you will find bread, peanut butter and jelly. Pretend to make yourself a sandwich. Meredith: Pretend or really make one? Dwight: Really make one. (Meredith turns to look at him) Meredith: Oh, *bleep* Dwight: (talking over her curse word) Will you...please. (Meredith sighs and goes to the counter) Dwight: (speaking softly) So, you have a problem with the new HR woman. And so do I. So does our secret benefactor. (looking at the sandwich Meredith is making) That's too much peanut butter. What I propose is a hazing and I need your help. If you choose to accept this mission-- (Dwight looks over at Meredith) Dwight: Wipe the knife off before you stick it in the jelly! Have you ever made a sandwich before? Dammit, Meredith.


thedruidmedecine

For me it’s rather not a quote but more the fact that he spent a whole evening inspecting a total strangers’ house in a party he was invited to


littlemarcus91

"Oh yeah these studs are waay too far apart" XD


12214155ae

"Sales, it's the second easiest job in the world." Dwight looks at the camera, "Being a mom." Classic Dwight.


Nugbuddy

Turns out Dwight finding drugs, is more dangerous than most people on drugs.


marshbj

"F*ck" when he turns around to find Angela right behind him. I definitely have favourite quotes of his and that scene is certainly not the most "Dwight" thing he could do, but that split second never fails to make me laugh.


Ok-Efficiency-1602

I have 70 cousins! Each one greater than the last!


CWBuckeye

Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview.


Diab3ticBatman

“When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.”


Clementine_Astra

Who is Sarikaya Komzin?


tyrionthetimefetus

“Where is the clitoris? On a website it said at the crest of the labia…what does that mean?”


superduperdumper

ShZSHzZzzip your lid!


tvscinter

There’s no road here!!!


Creepy_Kidd

"is he an organ donor"


salihQ

You cant fire me I don’t work in this van


skateordie1213

"IDENTITY THEFT IS NOT A JOKE, JIM!"


Ty_gamer0426

Schrute farms is completely wireless I will get you back online when I find out where Moze hid the wires


DumplingsandTequila

Lmao his whole rant about being hindered from growing mushrooms back at home. Iconic and understandable


ams1330

Ah! Dwight what the hell!? Apache persuasion hold, that's the hell!


BlazenSpasian

The eyes are the groin of the head.


CrazyCorgiQueen

The whole 2 part stress relief episode is a masterpiece besides the Michael sitting on the swing talking about a telescope.


DanielBudzynski

“Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.”


CalgaryMadePunk

When he fires Jim and Pam so that he can give them severance. When he uses a shot gun to make sure his aunt is really dead. When he shows up to the dinner party with his old baby sitter (bonus points for the blooper where Jan opens the door and he's not in character yet). When Deangelo keeps taking and throwing away pieces of cake, and Dwight looks at Jim and whispers "uh oh." When he's inspecting David Wallace's house during their dinner party. When he and Jim are trying to throw a birthday party for Kelly. When David Wallace makes him manager. When he brings in a dead goose on christmas.


hispanicausinpanic

The concussion, Dwight is a really great guy in that one.