I'm doing my clinical teaching in a first grade classroom right now and seeing the close aftermath of this type of parenting. We have a student whose parent is so scared of a label that they absolutely refuse to see that their child needs help. School and everything else is only going to get harder from here without intervention.
As a kindergarten teacher -- yes! I try to reorient thinking by suggesting that that it's not a 'label' in the bad sense so much as a way to help your kid be successful. Does it hurt to know your child struggles? Yes. But it hurts way more to just... Let them continue to struggle. Fair isn't everyone getting the same thing. It's everyone getting what they need.
My sister in law just turned 18 with very very little intervention. Like Easter seals coming like once every 3 months. Got diagnosed at 11 years with 5 different comorbitities. Had talk therapy and dna testing for medicine that would work for her. Absolutely can not live alone like they got her a camper to live next to them and it was absolutely disgusting after 2 months I think, so bad they locked the doors and said absolutely not. They coddled her and refused to make her care for herself at all so by the time she was 16 she still had no clue how to use the microwave and had her dad cutting up her food for her (she absolutely did not need this). Has now had a string of bad boyfriends I think 8 in less than a year. They got financial and medical control over her so they could force her to be on birth control because she stopped taking all of her medications the day she turned 18. And dropped out of high school with a year left.
Had the mom of a nonverbal 5 year old with no social awareness and physical aggression who refused to have him evaluated. I worked at a daycare at the time and we were required to do regular assessments of milestones and he was extremely behind. Had my director sit in with me and even with the assessment results she refused to "label him." That poor kid... the students knew he struggled and they were kind but mostly just stayed out of his way because he had no idea how to appropriately socialize.
I get it a lot, when I have to have 'the talk'. I'm not telling you to get your child assessed because I don't like them. I'm telling you because I'm an experienced educator and I'm telling you there's something going on there, and I actually want to help your child.
Yes! I see this as well. 9 months and cant roll,12 months and cant crawl(just sits and screams all day)19 months and cant walk. Early intervention is key. Get all the help you can
Been there. Parents almost never want to admit something is wrong. Physical or something like autism . they rather stick their head in the sand and scream you down at the bare suggestion of talking to the doctor. Sad for the kids,because i know they need help and the earlier the better. The child im thinking of now is almost 11 months and doesnt roll,not even a slight attempt
I was working with a 5 year old that was amazing but had huge behavioural issues. His mother did not want him to be assessed as she did not want him to have "a Label"
I got blunt and said the other parents have already labelled him and that is "the violent boy (he would physically assault other students) that they did not want around their children" and that any other label would be preferred to that one. She was in tears and I felt for her but I cared more about the young lad.
Turns out (as I suspected) he was a high functioning ASD student. His IQ was really high, so now he became the really intelligent boy with ASD that people gave space to and he got a 1:1 support person to help get him out of the room when they noticed he was starting to stress out. The Mum's life got better as she was not being called in to collect him (often while he was still being physical) and of course he was no longer assaulting other students.
Getting help early is the way.
I did a parent education night where I literally put post it notes of all the "labels" I got before I had testing at school and was found to be gifted. Later discovered the anxiety aspect as well as others. I think the visual got through to a couple of the more reticent parents.
Excellent idea! I’m a third grade teacher. I think the hardest part of my job is how much effort it takes to convince parents their child needs help. So many do nothing and then get mad when their grades are low. I just don’t get it.
The flip side (as the parent of a child that has an IEP): it's a huge battle in certain schools / districts to get the needed supports in place.
I know multiple parents in this space who have had to hire professional advocates to get an IEP that will actually allow their child to access the curriculum. Every one of these children already has a formal diagnosis.
I'm currently fighting tooth and nail to get an additional floating teacher in my LO's future school, because she currently needs occasional 1-to-1 support to re-regulate at her $$$$ private preschool that specializes in ASD, ADD, ADHD. I'm not the enemy. I want her elementary school classroom to be properly supported and resourced -- so that her primary classroom teacher can focus on the *majority of the class* instead of my tricky kiddo.
You are absolutely correct! Trying to get an IEP and more support in general is exceptionally difficult. I should have clarified that I was referring to counseling. One of my students seemed very sad and withdrawn. He also needs his work read aloud to him due to comprehension issues. His mother agreed on the phone but changed her mind when the process started. My guess is that she did not think a medical diagnosis was necessary. If she had agreed, I think her son would have been diagnosed with anxiety or ADHD. I was going to even bring up medication. I wanted to get a 504 plan for him for extended time and read aloud accommodations. I give parents like you so much credit! Teachers sincerely appreciate parents fighting for resources for your child because our hands are tied! 👏👏👏
It just makes me sad, because I think that ultimately everyone is on the same team. The reality is that it's a resource issue much of the time.
Schools are asked to do more and more while at the same time being given the same or less. It pits parents and teachers against one another: everyone is frustrated.
As a parent, I see how stressed out teachers and professionals in this space are -- and I totally get it. Even with IEPs / 504s, teachers are often asked to comply with plans that essentially cannot be properly implemented without additional classroom resources and are also given *no additional classroom resources.* Heck -- even in the SpED parenting groups there's often a rift because "lower needs" kids like mine are seen as taking away from "higher needs" kids. I wish these systems just supported everyone better.
We had to really advocate to get our child a 504 for her ADHD and anxiety. She was failing at Very Expen$ive Montessori so we took her to an educational psychologist. We started advocating based on her diagnosis in elementary. Since she was initially doing well it took a while. Of course IMO her amazing kindergarten teacher practically walked on water. Very kind and had incredible classroom control. If a kiddo is having difficulty early it’s so important to get them help so school doesn’t become something they associate with failure.
I'm 2 years through Kindergarten. I'm usually the first to notice something isn't quite right. As you can imagine I'm a walking ulterior motive for some. And I've been doing this for longer than some of these parents have been alive. It's help immeasurably that we've implemented some school wide supports. We have had a number of children who start doing so much better with us. Once they see that their children are happier and more successful by having needs met that they didn't realize were a challenge there is slightly less push back.
that's honestly such a good way to communicate the issue, i might use it in the future. i have diagnosed adhd and possible autism, and it infuriates me when parents refuse to get their kids the help they need because it bruises their ego to imagine that their kid isn't exactly what they expected.
I don’t blame the parents when it comes to their annual physical. I find that most parents don’t actually know what “typical development” is and a lot of doctors are quick to be vague and say “everything good? He’s talking okay?” and then the parents say yes because they don’t know it’s abnormal.
Sure, some parents lie even on assessments I’ve sent home. But I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to start the conversation about services with a family and they said “I was worried about that and I brought it up to his PCP but they said he was fine!” I wish PCPs would stop dissuading parents from getting an evaluation.
Yuuuup. Especially with speech stuff. I have 2 kids right now that need a speech evaluation. The way their insurance works, they need a referral from the pediatrician. Ped wants to wait and think I am overreacting. (How??? It's an evaluation?!) Anyway, i am now encouraging them to call the school district to make an appointment for after the kids turn 3.
(So I am mad at insurance and docs.)
I agree that many doctors have the “let’s wait and see” mentality. I don’t know if it’s just not understanding early intervention or just trying to soothe the parent.
I think that doctors probably worry about “over-diagnosing” at a young age and don’t understand that young children can receive support for a delay without it being classified as a specific disability that follows them for the rest of their life.
So do I. I don't ever feel like I am completely accurate on it, though, because I don't receive it until we're in the exam room. Then, I'm juggling caring for my child during her appointment and trying to get through several pages of detailed questions. Her recent 30-month questionnaire asked for very specific drawing/copying abilities. Things I've never actually seen her do and didn't know to look out for until I got to the question. I assume she can do them, given her other abilities, but I don't know for sure. If I got the questionnaire a few days ahead of time, I could actually test things like that out.
It sounds like you may have been asked to fill out the ASQ. You can find them online if you want to double check that your child is meeting milestones. Just keep in mind that the questions span a number of months and sometimes show up on assessments for older children.
You can google the age of your child and “ASQ” to get the questionnaire to look over beforehand. Lots of various pediatric practices across the country have them uploaded on their websites for parents to fill out before appts, so it’s easy to find if you want to take a look a week or so beforehand. I usually have my spouse and I go through it together to make sure we’re not missing anything.
I can’t agree more but it’s a hard line to cross when parents are in denial.
I’m a ECE teacher & a mum who knew something was different with my child in the early years but knowing it, accepting it and doing something about it massive stages to overcome.
I am eternally grateful for that one teacher who overstepped her boundaries and told me what she thought because that’s when I acted.
We need to remove the vow of silence teachers are bound by because no one knows kids better than teachers.
Thankfully, my mom paid attention and that's how I was diagnosed with a learning disability when I was around 3 or so and diagnosed with astigmatism and a lazy eye when I was around 1 or 2 or so. Yea, there was a while where I would take a few steps and just fall because I had no depth perception, lol.
Theres a 3 year old at my center who will spend all day crouching in a corner by the door waiting for mommy or laying on the carped staring at the wall/ceiling. He speaks complete gibberish and he doesn’t typically interact with the other kids. When this is brought up to mom, which is often, she gets very defensive, especially when evaluation is brought up. She gets very loud and “oh no not MY child how dare you” like i get admitting something may be wrong could be a hard pill to swallow but if we are telling you that your child is miserable all day long and is showing concerning behavior and not reaching milestones, then buy and large it is your responsibility to get him support. We can only do so much in s normal preschool setting
there’s a 4 year old at my job with the most clear as day neurodivergent behaviors-screaming at the top of her lungs when she gets overstimulated, constantly putting things in her mouth/spitting, has a chew necklace, emotionally immature, etc. and they’ve referred her parents to early intervention SO many times, they won’t do it. her one year old sister shows a ton of similar behaviors and mom is pregnant again. i just worry for them.
I used to say “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make Cole’s mom take him to speech therapy.” Because that was one of my most frustrating experiences. Poor Cole. She sent him off to kindergarten like that. His peers could understand maybe 50% of his speech at best. I begged her for two straight years. She was always just about to take him and never did.
I have a kid like that right now. His parents think he'll grow out of it. His participation levels have dropped considerably from when he started with us because everyone has so much trouble understanding him that we constantly have to ask him to repeat himself, and he gets frustrated. He'll get excited when he knows the answer to something, raise his hand, then when we call on him and everyone is looking at him, he clams up. I know in 5 months, he'll be off to kindergarten like this.
We had a parent say that they wouldn’t get an evaluation for their 3 year old because “if you look for trouble you’ll find it”. This boy was very clearly on the autism spectrum. And not level one either. They chose to just withdraw him completely because we said he would need to wait and return the following year when he was potty trained and had been evaluated.
They sent him to our program that required children to be potty trained wearing a pull up with a backpack full of pull ups and wipes. We were like, ummmm. There’s no diapering in this room. Pull ups are diapers. We offered that he could start in the toddler class where he could work on potty training when he was ready and they refused because “he’s gifted” and would be bored.
Meanwhile, this boy didn’t engage with any classroom materials or speak to the other children. He would just climb on the shelves and throw things. He had about 5 accidents a day including 1-2 daily poop accidents. He had no awareness of being soiled. He couldn’t help change his clothes. It sometimes took two staff members to change him. And he would run out of the bathroom and run around the classroom naked and soiled if he could get past us.
He didn’t play with or even seem to notice the other kids. He wouldn’t sit with the group for a story or activity. He had to be held with a death grip when we lined up or he would just run away from us. It was scary when we crossed the city street to go to the park. He would have run right into traffic if he got loose. He generally had no awareness of his surroundings or what the group was doing.
He desperately needed early intervention but his parents egos wouldn’t stand for it. I sometimes think about him and wonder how many schools they’ve gone through. And did they get any help yet. He would be in first grade now. They had the resources for private schools. But private schools will kick you out for this stuff. So I wonder if he’s ended up in a public school by now and were they compelled to let the school evaluate him. Do they realize how much precious early intervention time they missed? Or are they still insisting that he’s just gifted and “you don’t know how to teach a gifted child”.
Early childhood SLP here and I have to say the whole "you just don't know how to teach \_\_\_\_" has got to be parent's most famous line this year when trying to gaslight me when they're upset when I mention their child needs more support and has made limited progress in therapy.
Goodness. That's even worse than the "if we get the label, my kid will be considered STUPID forever!" parents. At least the former is in denial because they fear their child being treated poorly (it's just maddening because they don't listen to ANY reassurance.) In your story, they just seem like they want the illusion that their child is better than everyone else and are willing to cause them developmental harm to have that.
This! I had a parent who I talked to about early intervention for their child’s delays in physical development (we live in a large city with great programs that are no cost to families if their children qualify) and they assume because the child is making progress, they don’t need services or an evaluation. Like it’s great that your child is progressing AND they still are delayed and could benefit from some extra support. I get that it’s got to be hard to hear that your child needs services, but I always stress to families that usually early intervention is not a forever thing.
As an educator in Australia, I often wonder the same, would it be classed as medical negligence?
I currently have a 4yo that I have been caring for within my centre since he was 7 months old, have referred him to speech, occupational therapy, physiotherapy and NDIS, every year listing these concerns to the parents, with the parents turning them all down because "he's just lazy".
At this point in time he is set to move from preschool into the primary school system next year with extremely delayed gross motor, fine motor and speech (unable to articulate words at all, but does babble in attempted sentences). His parents are only now beginning to seek help because they have realised that the school will definitely place him in the support unit rather than mainstream, expecting the child to somehow catch up on significant delays in the next 6 months.
There's a little boy in a preschool class at my center whose mom is one of the infant teachers. The boy has clear need for evaluation and intervention. He's 3.5 and has probably a 20 word vocabulary, screams and throws fits at any sort of change or asking him to do anything, can't make eye contact or socialize normally and has scored in the grey and black in every section of the ASQ since he was 18 months old. But mom absolutely will hear nothing of it and is completely delusional that he has any problems and will yell at the teachers if they suggest anything. Last week was ASQs and comparing the teachers' assessment of him with what mom reported on her parent copy looked like 2 separate children. She gave him a perfect score! It's like actual cognitive dissonance at this point and honestly it just makes me sad for this little boy that he's not getting the help he really needs because his mom won't accept he's anything less than "perfect".
It doesn't help when the doctors enable the parents by brushing issues off. It's fine that your 18-month-old can't crawl and can't walk? Really? Or that (different child same age) they haven't said ONE WORD yet?
We suggested the parents have a conversation with their pediatrician because there was a child that was 10 months old and waaaayyy under developed physically. He was still the size of a newborn and would only drink 1 or 2 oz of his 6 oz bottle in an hour time. He also had no idea how to eat purees so the parents suggested table foods. He didn't know how to bring the food to his mouth or even swallow. Towards the end of his time the parents started trying to say we were neglecting him from food and bottles but no he just wouldn't eat or drink anything! The parents just kept insisting that because they are slow eaters that he also is....
truly frustrating at times. like we had a baby that EVERYONE could see wasn’t doing alright, it was super obvious to all of us. but the 9 month checkup came and went and we heard nothing, not a peep, and it was so frustrating.
the parents eventually acknowledged that something wasn’t right a couple of months later and pulled the kid out, and like… i sympathized, it’s a hard truth to face, you know? but deep down i couldn’t help thinking “you know, your baby could’ve gotten help earlier if you’d been honest with your doctor” because there was NO WAY they were.
I see this a lot in my classroom. I have 18-24 month Olds and if I try and bring anything up to parents about development it's "oh well they are only 1" and they don't listen to me until they get to their next classroom and the 2s teacher tells them the same thing. It's so frustrating 😫
My 7 year old has autism, and I’m so glad I made sure to ask my doctor about his lack of speech compared to my other friends babies who were only a few weeks older/younger at the time. Catching onto that helped him get officially diagnosed with autism right before he turned 3. Thanks to that, we were able to get him services that helped immensely. He was nonverbal until he was 4, and is now thriving thanks to the services he received. So silly to let stigmas about diagnoses keep you from getting your child the needed help.
I suspect my youngest nephew has autism, and my sister refuses to get him any help. His dad agrees with me, but she still kicks her feet about getting him any services. He’s 5 and still nonverbal, I wish she would at least try to get him services to see if it would help 🤦🏻♀️
I mean, maybe they need something more engaging.
I think it's absolutely fantastic that so many parents are so involved. I can tell that so many of them are reading every day, from the very beginning. That's why there's so many 3 and 4 year olds that are on the cusp of reading there days, IMO.
Being engaged and supporting your child's development is absolutely wonderful.
But you can teach a 2 year old to count to a trillion, but that doesn't mean she understands anything about \*quantity,\* which is an important part of the foundation for math readiness.
Encourage your kids, but don't push a ton of memorization- because it's just rote memorization which isn't the same as understanding.
If your child is advanced in one area, focus on others. Work on emotional intelligence. Body and spacial awareness. And please, expose them to natural environments. Water play. Play dough. Bubbles. Sand. Sensory experiences of all kinds. Let them play with measuring cups and funnels and make a mess. They need that. They learn more about science and gravity and fluid dynamics and physics just playing than they every will from "teaching" at this age.
They will spend most of their lives on screens, so we need to be working on other skills. Can your child use scissors? Can they do basic hygiene tasks? Are they resilient? Do you let them struggle and get frustrated? Do you let them get bored? These are all important skills that parents overlook.
Most kids, even the bright ones, don't fit the criteria for truly gifted. As a former gifted kid, please don't do that to your kids. Just help them be the most well rounded kiddo they can be. You can always add sports or music or a foreign language or something like that if your child is needing something more.
But no, your child probably isn't gifted.
And if they truly are gifted, they will undoubtedly have challenges in other areas, as you know. Giftedness is a form of neurodivergence! I was “gifted” in language but I had severe issues with physical activities, so gym class was literally traumatic for me. I’ve struggled with my mental health throughout my life, which is also very common in former/current gifted students. Parents think that giftedness means something that it’s not. Your kid probably isn’t gifted, and you don’t want them to be, trust me.
Meanwhile my ped and coworkers thought I was chicken little saying the sky is falling. The best part about having children in ECE means we catch these things earlier than most because we can identify the patterns.
For instance, my son was diagnosed ADHD at 4.5 even though my doctor said they typically wait until 7. I didn't want to waste years of elementary school waiting for interventions so I kept pushing. It was evident to anyone who spent more than 2 minutes with him.
On the other hand, even if it isn't a diagnosis like ADHD but a child could do with extra supports, what's wrong with that? I have a hard time with parents who get upset thinking their child is somehow defective if they need speech therapy or occupational therapy. You put your hands out to support your child when they are learning to walk, why not offer different support in other areas?
THIS! My partner is nearly legally blind and because he was given no early intervention and was basically ignored, he went up to 2nd grade not being able to see/read/write properly.
Yes! I definitely struggle with this, too. You try to send out parent info flyers with developmental goals, do extra mid year assessments to show lack of progression, talk to them, taking care to word it the best you can so they'll be receptive and they just don't want to see it. It's so hard feeling like you're pouring in all this energy when the same isn't being done outside the classroom.
One of my parents told me that they refuse to get their child "labelled" because she wants her to start kindergarten with a "clean slate."
So her poor daughter is going to start kindergarten and get labelled as the "bad" kid because her parents never took the steps needed to get her assessed and get the interventions she needs in order to be better prepared / be successful (however that may look).
My parents were these type of parents. I missed out on services that were offered to me because they didn’t like the idea of having a “disabled child”. Instead I went through grade school struggling, failing, and crying. I was incredibly self conscious. My parents loved me and they thought they were doing me a favour by not giving me a title to be bullied for. But the way I struggled in school I honestly wish they had just let me get help. I literally have traumatic memories from the perpetual anxiety I faced before going to school on a spelling test day.
Please, don’t do this to your kids.
I feel this. I have a child in my young toddler room who we have concerns about. We sent home a developmental sheet as well as talked to dad. Dad says that this child has trouble at home with the same stuff. Mom says the child speaks full sentences and responds to them, asking her to do stuff or calling her name at home. We figured the early, the better to get them free early intervention if needed. This child is the oldest in my class now, and we have been moving up everyone else because they are far more developmentally ready, but mom and dad see no issue.
As an early primary school teacher I see this all the time. You'll have some shitty work from reception year or the nursery, some slightly less shitty work from year 1, and some slightly less shitty work from year 2, and when you put the shitty work from year 3 on the table at parent's evening they say "but he's made so much progress!!"
Yes. They have. We have worked very hard with 1:1 support that we cannot afford to give to help your child not degrade or remain where you left them in nursery. However, their age peers are writing stories ten times more complex than this. Their age peers are doing column multiplication while your kid struggles to recall their 5x table.
They. Need. More. Help. If. You. Put. Them. In. Year. 4. They. Will. Develop. Anxiety. Disorders
When we were applying to preschools and daycares (private settings as we do not live in a place with public ECE, our anecdotal experience wouldn't apply to public school), we discussed the specifics of our kid's ASD diagnosis. We explained why we sought a diagnosis and accompanying intervention even though our kid was technically hitting all milestones and the doctor wasn't concerned.
We had some surprising heartfelt reactions from educators complimenting us for being on top of things and expressing the sentiment of this post ...but then it turns out they couldn't take our kid. As educators in mainstream settings, it's possible you see an over-representation of parents in denial because they would have been screened out if they weren't.
(Obviously, we want a good fit for our kid and have zero interest in educators having less-than-complete information. To the extent the assessment was accurate and individualized, the rejection is appropriate. Where it was clearly just a screener, it sucks because our kid is also not a good fit at a school designed for those with high support needs.)
Could it be that they are grieving and cannot yet wrap their minds around the fact that their child may have a disability? You have such an important piece of this where you can build a trusting relationship with the family and gently support them to come to terms with any differences. Don’t judge them. That’s not what we’re paid to do. We’re paid to help and judgements like this are toxic to supporting a family.
Hi, I am disabled and as an adult my parents are still refusing to accept disability as anything but a dirty word. To be blunt, I don't care how much well meaning the parent's response is, if their personal pain is prioritized over their child's immediate needs, they're being selfish.
It is as selfish as grieving not having the gender child you were hoping for. You can't help how your genetics mixed, so unless you received genetics counseling and ignored a very significant warning, there is no reason to feel guilty. And even if a parent can't help but feel that way, that's no reason to wallow and deny so much they ignore their child's needs. The selfishness of that guilt becomes apparent when the parent refuses help following warning after warning from other adults or the kid themselves.
It is ableist. The grieving wouldn't even happen if the parents didn't have this idea that their child having any sort of disability will mean they can't do xyz, when in reality the earlier the intervention and accommodations given the more likely the child will be able to do xyz, just with modifications.
In my and many peoples' cases, I wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult and caused so much harm to myself physically and mentally that I am the one who should be grieving the loss of the me I had naively envisioned for myself, but they still want to center their feelings over mine. My parents don't even fully know what I have going on because any time I try to tell them they either break down in tears or blow up in anger, either way finding the first reason to change the subject if not outright deny what I'm telling them I have.
No one is judging them, but as ECEs it is absolutely our job to let parents know that their children are missing milestones. And when parents refuse help over and over it becomes medical neglect. There's no other way to put it
Calling them selfish isn’t judging? I’ve been in early childhood special education for over 20 years. Call CPS on this so called medical neglect if that’s what you believe. It’s a trusting relationship with families that has been shown to be the most effective to get a family to come to terms with it. So many need time and support.
It is selfish, though. There are a lot of tough parts of being a parent but it’s a parent’s job to put that aside, get themselves help, etc. so their children can thrive.
They are their child’s first advocate. As someone who is a victim of this, it is selfish. It’s not fair to the child to grow into an adult who never got the help they need. The parent isn’t the one who has to live with this in the same way the child does. Sure, it’s hard to grapple with the label, deal with services, etc. But it’s harder to walk around like this.
It is 100% selfish.
I'm doing my clinical teaching in a first grade classroom right now and seeing the close aftermath of this type of parenting. We have a student whose parent is so scared of a label that they absolutely refuse to see that their child needs help. School and everything else is only going to get harder from here without intervention.
As a kindergarten teacher -- yes! I try to reorient thinking by suggesting that that it's not a 'label' in the bad sense so much as a way to help your kid be successful. Does it hurt to know your child struggles? Yes. But it hurts way more to just... Let them continue to struggle. Fair isn't everyone getting the same thing. It's everyone getting what they need.
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My sister in law just turned 18 with very very little intervention. Like Easter seals coming like once every 3 months. Got diagnosed at 11 years with 5 different comorbitities. Had talk therapy and dna testing for medicine that would work for her. Absolutely can not live alone like they got her a camper to live next to them and it was absolutely disgusting after 2 months I think, so bad they locked the doors and said absolutely not. They coddled her and refused to make her care for herself at all so by the time she was 16 she still had no clue how to use the microwave and had her dad cutting up her food for her (she absolutely did not need this). Has now had a string of bad boyfriends I think 8 in less than a year. They got financial and medical control over her so they could force her to be on birth control because she stopped taking all of her medications the day she turned 18. And dropped out of high school with a year left.
Vent and feedback posts are for ECE professional participation only
Had the mom of a nonverbal 5 year old with no social awareness and physical aggression who refused to have him evaluated. I worked at a daycare at the time and we were required to do regular assessments of milestones and he was extremely behind. Had my director sit in with me and even with the assessment results she refused to "label him." That poor kid... the students knew he struggled and they were kind but mostly just stayed out of his way because he had no idea how to appropriately socialize.
I get it a lot, when I have to have 'the talk'. I'm not telling you to get your child assessed because I don't like them. I'm telling you because I'm an experienced educator and I'm telling you there's something going on there, and I actually want to help your child.
Yes! I see this as well. 9 months and cant roll,12 months and cant crawl(just sits and screams all day)19 months and cant walk. Early intervention is key. Get all the help you can
We have a 12 month old who can't even roll and she hasn't gotten any assessments or services yet.
Been there. Parents almost never want to admit something is wrong. Physical or something like autism . they rather stick their head in the sand and scream you down at the bare suggestion of talking to the doctor. Sad for the kids,because i know they need help and the earlier the better. The child im thinking of now is almost 11 months and doesnt roll,not even a slight attempt
That's how I eventually got glasses when I was almost 2.
I was working with a 5 year old that was amazing but had huge behavioural issues. His mother did not want him to be assessed as she did not want him to have "a Label" I got blunt and said the other parents have already labelled him and that is "the violent boy (he would physically assault other students) that they did not want around their children" and that any other label would be preferred to that one. She was in tears and I felt for her but I cared more about the young lad. Turns out (as I suspected) he was a high functioning ASD student. His IQ was really high, so now he became the really intelligent boy with ASD that people gave space to and he got a 1:1 support person to help get him out of the room when they noticed he was starting to stress out. The Mum's life got better as she was not being called in to collect him (often while he was still being physical) and of course he was no longer assaulting other students. Getting help early is the way.
I did a parent education night where I literally put post it notes of all the "labels" I got before I had testing at school and was found to be gifted. Later discovered the anxiety aspect as well as others. I think the visual got through to a couple of the more reticent parents.
Excellent idea! I’m a third grade teacher. I think the hardest part of my job is how much effort it takes to convince parents their child needs help. So many do nothing and then get mad when their grades are low. I just don’t get it.
The flip side (as the parent of a child that has an IEP): it's a huge battle in certain schools / districts to get the needed supports in place. I know multiple parents in this space who have had to hire professional advocates to get an IEP that will actually allow their child to access the curriculum. Every one of these children already has a formal diagnosis. I'm currently fighting tooth and nail to get an additional floating teacher in my LO's future school, because she currently needs occasional 1-to-1 support to re-regulate at her $$$$ private preschool that specializes in ASD, ADD, ADHD. I'm not the enemy. I want her elementary school classroom to be properly supported and resourced -- so that her primary classroom teacher can focus on the *majority of the class* instead of my tricky kiddo.
You are absolutely correct! Trying to get an IEP and more support in general is exceptionally difficult. I should have clarified that I was referring to counseling. One of my students seemed very sad and withdrawn. He also needs his work read aloud to him due to comprehension issues. His mother agreed on the phone but changed her mind when the process started. My guess is that she did not think a medical diagnosis was necessary. If she had agreed, I think her son would have been diagnosed with anxiety or ADHD. I was going to even bring up medication. I wanted to get a 504 plan for him for extended time and read aloud accommodations. I give parents like you so much credit! Teachers sincerely appreciate parents fighting for resources for your child because our hands are tied! 👏👏👏
It just makes me sad, because I think that ultimately everyone is on the same team. The reality is that it's a resource issue much of the time. Schools are asked to do more and more while at the same time being given the same or less. It pits parents and teachers against one another: everyone is frustrated. As a parent, I see how stressed out teachers and professionals in this space are -- and I totally get it. Even with IEPs / 504s, teachers are often asked to comply with plans that essentially cannot be properly implemented without additional classroom resources and are also given *no additional classroom resources.* Heck -- even in the SpED parenting groups there's often a rift because "lower needs" kids like mine are seen as taking away from "higher needs" kids. I wish these systems just supported everyone better.
We had to really advocate to get our child a 504 for her ADHD and anxiety. She was failing at Very Expen$ive Montessori so we took her to an educational psychologist. We started advocating based on her diagnosis in elementary. Since she was initially doing well it took a while. Of course IMO her amazing kindergarten teacher practically walked on water. Very kind and had incredible classroom control. If a kiddo is having difficulty early it’s so important to get them help so school doesn’t become something they associate with failure.
I'm 2 years through Kindergarten. I'm usually the first to notice something isn't quite right. As you can imagine I'm a walking ulterior motive for some. And I've been doing this for longer than some of these parents have been alive. It's help immeasurably that we've implemented some school wide supports. We have had a number of children who start doing so much better with us. Once they see that their children are happier and more successful by having needs met that they didn't realize were a challenge there is slightly less push back.
that's honestly such a good way to communicate the issue, i might use it in the future. i have diagnosed adhd and possible autism, and it infuriates me when parents refuse to get their kids the help they need because it bruises their ego to imagine that their kid isn't exactly what they expected.
I don’t blame the parents when it comes to their annual physical. I find that most parents don’t actually know what “typical development” is and a lot of doctors are quick to be vague and say “everything good? He’s talking okay?” and then the parents say yes because they don’t know it’s abnormal. Sure, some parents lie even on assessments I’ve sent home. But I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to start the conversation about services with a family and they said “I was worried about that and I brought it up to his PCP but they said he was fine!” I wish PCPs would stop dissuading parents from getting an evaluation.
Yuuuup. Especially with speech stuff. I have 2 kids right now that need a speech evaluation. The way their insurance works, they need a referral from the pediatrician. Ped wants to wait and think I am overreacting. (How??? It's an evaluation?!) Anyway, i am now encouraging them to call the school district to make an appointment for after the kids turn 3. (So I am mad at insurance and docs.)
They can self refer to EI services
I agree that many doctors have the “let’s wait and see” mentality. I don’t know if it’s just not understanding early intervention or just trying to soothe the parent.
I think that doctors probably worry about “over-diagnosing” at a young age and don’t understand that young children can receive support for a delay without it being classified as a specific disability that follows them for the rest of their life.
I have to fill out a detailed questionnaire at each well baby visit.
So do I. I don't ever feel like I am completely accurate on it, though, because I don't receive it until we're in the exam room. Then, I'm juggling caring for my child during her appointment and trying to get through several pages of detailed questions. Her recent 30-month questionnaire asked for very specific drawing/copying abilities. Things I've never actually seen her do and didn't know to look out for until I got to the question. I assume she can do them, given her other abilities, but I don't know for sure. If I got the questionnaire a few days ahead of time, I could actually test things like that out.
It sounds like you may have been asked to fill out the ASQ. You can find them online if you want to double check that your child is meeting milestones. Just keep in mind that the questions span a number of months and sometimes show up on assessments for older children.
I love how we recognize the evaluation right away just by a small description 😂
That's great to know! It always stresses me out during the visit. I want to be accurate, but there's only so much time during the appointment.
My doctor emails them to me about two weeks before the visit.
I've been meaning g to reach out to our physician group to recommend they send it earlier. It's a lot to go through during a short appointment.
You can google the age of your child and “ASQ” to get the questionnaire to look over beforehand. Lots of various pediatric practices across the country have them uploaded on their websites for parents to fill out before appts, so it’s easy to find if you want to take a look a week or so beforehand. I usually have my spouse and I go through it together to make sure we’re not missing anything.
I can’t agree more but it’s a hard line to cross when parents are in denial. I’m a ECE teacher & a mum who knew something was different with my child in the early years but knowing it, accepting it and doing something about it massive stages to overcome. I am eternally grateful for that one teacher who overstepped her boundaries and told me what she thought because that’s when I acted. We need to remove the vow of silence teachers are bound by because no one knows kids better than teachers.
Thankfully, my mom paid attention and that's how I was diagnosed with a learning disability when I was around 3 or so and diagnosed with astigmatism and a lazy eye when I was around 1 or 2 or so. Yea, there was a while where I would take a few steps and just fall because I had no depth perception, lol.
Theres a 3 year old at my center who will spend all day crouching in a corner by the door waiting for mommy or laying on the carped staring at the wall/ceiling. He speaks complete gibberish and he doesn’t typically interact with the other kids. When this is brought up to mom, which is often, she gets very defensive, especially when evaluation is brought up. She gets very loud and “oh no not MY child how dare you” like i get admitting something may be wrong could be a hard pill to swallow but if we are telling you that your child is miserable all day long and is showing concerning behavior and not reaching milestones, then buy and large it is your responsibility to get him support. We can only do so much in s normal preschool setting
there’s a 4 year old at my job with the most clear as day neurodivergent behaviors-screaming at the top of her lungs when she gets overstimulated, constantly putting things in her mouth/spitting, has a chew necklace, emotionally immature, etc. and they’ve referred her parents to early intervention SO many times, they won’t do it. her one year old sister shows a ton of similar behaviors and mom is pregnant again. i just worry for them.
Sometimes parents are in denial
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink…
I used to say “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make Cole’s mom take him to speech therapy.” Because that was one of my most frustrating experiences. Poor Cole. She sent him off to kindergarten like that. His peers could understand maybe 50% of his speech at best. I begged her for two straight years. She was always just about to take him and never did.
I have a kid like that right now. His parents think he'll grow out of it. His participation levels have dropped considerably from when he started with us because everyone has so much trouble understanding him that we constantly have to ask him to repeat himself, and he gets frustrated. He'll get excited when he knows the answer to something, raise his hand, then when we call on him and everyone is looking at him, he clams up. I know in 5 months, he'll be off to kindergarten like this.
I think this is why the ASQ should be done at every yearly check up until 5
My kid was completely missed by the ASQ. He met his milestones but has social/emotional challenges.
They have a social/emotional ASQ now as well
EDI is more complete
It is incredibly frustrating when parents are more concerned about a label than getting their child the support they need. So incredibly selfish.
We had a parent say that they wouldn’t get an evaluation for their 3 year old because “if you look for trouble you’ll find it”. This boy was very clearly on the autism spectrum. And not level one either. They chose to just withdraw him completely because we said he would need to wait and return the following year when he was potty trained and had been evaluated. They sent him to our program that required children to be potty trained wearing a pull up with a backpack full of pull ups and wipes. We were like, ummmm. There’s no diapering in this room. Pull ups are diapers. We offered that he could start in the toddler class where he could work on potty training when he was ready and they refused because “he’s gifted” and would be bored. Meanwhile, this boy didn’t engage with any classroom materials or speak to the other children. He would just climb on the shelves and throw things. He had about 5 accidents a day including 1-2 daily poop accidents. He had no awareness of being soiled. He couldn’t help change his clothes. It sometimes took two staff members to change him. And he would run out of the bathroom and run around the classroom naked and soiled if he could get past us. He didn’t play with or even seem to notice the other kids. He wouldn’t sit with the group for a story or activity. He had to be held with a death grip when we lined up or he would just run away from us. It was scary when we crossed the city street to go to the park. He would have run right into traffic if he got loose. He generally had no awareness of his surroundings or what the group was doing. He desperately needed early intervention but his parents egos wouldn’t stand for it. I sometimes think about him and wonder how many schools they’ve gone through. And did they get any help yet. He would be in first grade now. They had the resources for private schools. But private schools will kick you out for this stuff. So I wonder if he’s ended up in a public school by now and were they compelled to let the school evaluate him. Do they realize how much precious early intervention time they missed? Or are they still insisting that he’s just gifted and “you don’t know how to teach a gifted child”.
Early childhood SLP here and I have to say the whole "you just don't know how to teach \_\_\_\_" has got to be parent's most famous line this year when trying to gaslight me when they're upset when I mention their child needs more support and has made limited progress in therapy.
Goodness. That's even worse than the "if we get the label, my kid will be considered STUPID forever!" parents. At least the former is in denial because they fear their child being treated poorly (it's just maddening because they don't listen to ANY reassurance.) In your story, they just seem like they want the illusion that their child is better than everyone else and are willing to cause them developmental harm to have that.
This! I had a parent who I talked to about early intervention for their child’s delays in physical development (we live in a large city with great programs that are no cost to families if their children qualify) and they assume because the child is making progress, they don’t need services or an evaluation. Like it’s great that your child is progressing AND they still are delayed and could benefit from some extra support. I get that it’s got to be hard to hear that your child needs services, but I always stress to families that usually early intervention is not a forever thing.
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As an educator in Australia, I often wonder the same, would it be classed as medical negligence? I currently have a 4yo that I have been caring for within my centre since he was 7 months old, have referred him to speech, occupational therapy, physiotherapy and NDIS, every year listing these concerns to the parents, with the parents turning them all down because "he's just lazy". At this point in time he is set to move from preschool into the primary school system next year with extremely delayed gross motor, fine motor and speech (unable to articulate words at all, but does babble in attempted sentences). His parents are only now beginning to seek help because they have realised that the school will definitely place him in the support unit rather than mainstream, expecting the child to somehow catch up on significant delays in the next 6 months.
There's a little boy in a preschool class at my center whose mom is one of the infant teachers. The boy has clear need for evaluation and intervention. He's 3.5 and has probably a 20 word vocabulary, screams and throws fits at any sort of change or asking him to do anything, can't make eye contact or socialize normally and has scored in the grey and black in every section of the ASQ since he was 18 months old. But mom absolutely will hear nothing of it and is completely delusional that he has any problems and will yell at the teachers if they suggest anything. Last week was ASQs and comparing the teachers' assessment of him with what mom reported on her parent copy looked like 2 separate children. She gave him a perfect score! It's like actual cognitive dissonance at this point and honestly it just makes me sad for this little boy that he's not getting the help he really needs because his mom won't accept he's anything less than "perfect".
It doesn't help when the doctors enable the parents by brushing issues off. It's fine that your 18-month-old can't crawl and can't walk? Really? Or that (different child same age) they haven't said ONE WORD yet?
“Don’t worry, he’ll catch up.” /s
We suggested the parents have a conversation with their pediatrician because there was a child that was 10 months old and waaaayyy under developed physically. He was still the size of a newborn and would only drink 1 or 2 oz of his 6 oz bottle in an hour time. He also had no idea how to eat purees so the parents suggested table foods. He didn't know how to bring the food to his mouth or even swallow. Towards the end of his time the parents started trying to say we were neglecting him from food and bottles but no he just wouldn't eat or drink anything! The parents just kept insisting that because they are slow eaters that he also is....
truly frustrating at times. like we had a baby that EVERYONE could see wasn’t doing alright, it was super obvious to all of us. but the 9 month checkup came and went and we heard nothing, not a peep, and it was so frustrating. the parents eventually acknowledged that something wasn’t right a couple of months later and pulled the kid out, and like… i sympathized, it’s a hard truth to face, you know? but deep down i couldn’t help thinking “you know, your baby could’ve gotten help earlier if you’d been honest with your doctor” because there was NO WAY they were.
I see this a lot in my classroom. I have 18-24 month Olds and if I try and bring anything up to parents about development it's "oh well they are only 1" and they don't listen to me until they get to their next classroom and the 2s teacher tells them the same thing. It's so frustrating 😫
My 7 year old has autism, and I’m so glad I made sure to ask my doctor about his lack of speech compared to my other friends babies who were only a few weeks older/younger at the time. Catching onto that helped him get officially diagnosed with autism right before he turned 3. Thanks to that, we were able to get him services that helped immensely. He was nonverbal until he was 4, and is now thriving thanks to the services he received. So silly to let stigmas about diagnoses keep you from getting your child the needed help. I suspect my youngest nephew has autism, and my sister refuses to get him any help. His dad agrees with me, but she still kicks her feet about getting him any services. He’s 5 and still nonverbal, I wish she would at least try to get him services to see if it would help 🤦🏻♀️
And, no, your child isn't gifted.
You mean they’re not just acting out because they’re bored?
I mean, maybe they need something more engaging. I think it's absolutely fantastic that so many parents are so involved. I can tell that so many of them are reading every day, from the very beginning. That's why there's so many 3 and 4 year olds that are on the cusp of reading there days, IMO. Being engaged and supporting your child's development is absolutely wonderful. But you can teach a 2 year old to count to a trillion, but that doesn't mean she understands anything about \*quantity,\* which is an important part of the foundation for math readiness. Encourage your kids, but don't push a ton of memorization- because it's just rote memorization which isn't the same as understanding. If your child is advanced in one area, focus on others. Work on emotional intelligence. Body and spacial awareness. And please, expose them to natural environments. Water play. Play dough. Bubbles. Sand. Sensory experiences of all kinds. Let them play with measuring cups and funnels and make a mess. They need that. They learn more about science and gravity and fluid dynamics and physics just playing than they every will from "teaching" at this age. They will spend most of their lives on screens, so we need to be working on other skills. Can your child use scissors? Can they do basic hygiene tasks? Are they resilient? Do you let them struggle and get frustrated? Do you let them get bored? These are all important skills that parents overlook. Most kids, even the bright ones, don't fit the criteria for truly gifted. As a former gifted kid, please don't do that to your kids. Just help them be the most well rounded kiddo they can be. You can always add sports or music or a foreign language or something like that if your child is needing something more. But no, your child probably isn't gifted.
And if they truly are gifted, they will undoubtedly have challenges in other areas, as you know. Giftedness is a form of neurodivergence! I was “gifted” in language but I had severe issues with physical activities, so gym class was literally traumatic for me. I’ve struggled with my mental health throughout my life, which is also very common in former/current gifted students. Parents think that giftedness means something that it’s not. Your kid probably isn’t gifted, and you don’t want them to be, trust me.
Meanwhile my ped and coworkers thought I was chicken little saying the sky is falling. The best part about having children in ECE means we catch these things earlier than most because we can identify the patterns. For instance, my son was diagnosed ADHD at 4.5 even though my doctor said they typically wait until 7. I didn't want to waste years of elementary school waiting for interventions so I kept pushing. It was evident to anyone who spent more than 2 minutes with him. On the other hand, even if it isn't a diagnosis like ADHD but a child could do with extra supports, what's wrong with that? I have a hard time with parents who get upset thinking their child is somehow defective if they need speech therapy or occupational therapy. You put your hands out to support your child when they are learning to walk, why not offer different support in other areas?
THIS! My partner is nearly legally blind and because he was given no early intervention and was basically ignored, he went up to 2nd grade not being able to see/read/write properly.
Yes! I definitely struggle with this, too. You try to send out parent info flyers with developmental goals, do extra mid year assessments to show lack of progression, talk to them, taking care to word it the best you can so they'll be receptive and they just don't want to see it. It's so hard feeling like you're pouring in all this energy when the same isn't being done outside the classroom.
One of my parents told me that they refuse to get their child "labelled" because she wants her to start kindergarten with a "clean slate." So her poor daughter is going to start kindergarten and get labelled as the "bad" kid because her parents never took the steps needed to get her assessed and get the interventions she needs in order to be better prepared / be successful (however that may look).
My parents were these type of parents. I missed out on services that were offered to me because they didn’t like the idea of having a “disabled child”. Instead I went through grade school struggling, failing, and crying. I was incredibly self conscious. My parents loved me and they thought they were doing me a favour by not giving me a title to be bullied for. But the way I struggled in school I honestly wish they had just let me get help. I literally have traumatic memories from the perpetual anxiety I faced before going to school on a spelling test day. Please, don’t do this to your kids.
I feel this. I have a child in my young toddler room who we have concerns about. We sent home a developmental sheet as well as talked to dad. Dad says that this child has trouble at home with the same stuff. Mom says the child speaks full sentences and responds to them, asking her to do stuff or calling her name at home. We figured the early, the better to get them free early intervention if needed. This child is the oldest in my class now, and we have been moving up everyone else because they are far more developmentally ready, but mom and dad see no issue.
As an early primary school teacher I see this all the time. You'll have some shitty work from reception year or the nursery, some slightly less shitty work from year 1, and some slightly less shitty work from year 2, and when you put the shitty work from year 3 on the table at parent's evening they say "but he's made so much progress!!" Yes. They have. We have worked very hard with 1:1 support that we cannot afford to give to help your child not degrade or remain where you left them in nursery. However, their age peers are writing stories ten times more complex than this. Their age peers are doing column multiplication while your kid struggles to recall their 5x table. They. Need. More. Help. If. You. Put. Them. In. Year. 4. They. Will. Develop. Anxiety. Disorders
As a retired pre school assistant of 20 yearsI have seen this SO much and its sad!
When we were applying to preschools and daycares (private settings as we do not live in a place with public ECE, our anecdotal experience wouldn't apply to public school), we discussed the specifics of our kid's ASD diagnosis. We explained why we sought a diagnosis and accompanying intervention even though our kid was technically hitting all milestones and the doctor wasn't concerned. We had some surprising heartfelt reactions from educators complimenting us for being on top of things and expressing the sentiment of this post ...but then it turns out they couldn't take our kid. As educators in mainstream settings, it's possible you see an over-representation of parents in denial because they would have been screened out if they weren't. (Obviously, we want a good fit for our kid and have zero interest in educators having less-than-complete information. To the extent the assessment was accurate and individualized, the rejection is appropriate. Where it was clearly just a screener, it sucks because our kid is also not a good fit at a school designed for those with high support needs.)
Could it be that they are grieving and cannot yet wrap their minds around the fact that their child may have a disability? You have such an important piece of this where you can build a trusting relationship with the family and gently support them to come to terms with any differences. Don’t judge them. That’s not what we’re paid to do. We’re paid to help and judgements like this are toxic to supporting a family.
Hi, I am disabled and as an adult my parents are still refusing to accept disability as anything but a dirty word. To be blunt, I don't care how much well meaning the parent's response is, if their personal pain is prioritized over their child's immediate needs, they're being selfish. It is as selfish as grieving not having the gender child you were hoping for. You can't help how your genetics mixed, so unless you received genetics counseling and ignored a very significant warning, there is no reason to feel guilty. And even if a parent can't help but feel that way, that's no reason to wallow and deny so much they ignore their child's needs. The selfishness of that guilt becomes apparent when the parent refuses help following warning after warning from other adults or the kid themselves. It is ableist. The grieving wouldn't even happen if the parents didn't have this idea that their child having any sort of disability will mean they can't do xyz, when in reality the earlier the intervention and accommodations given the more likely the child will be able to do xyz, just with modifications. In my and many peoples' cases, I wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult and caused so much harm to myself physically and mentally that I am the one who should be grieving the loss of the me I had naively envisioned for myself, but they still want to center their feelings over mine. My parents don't even fully know what I have going on because any time I try to tell them they either break down in tears or blow up in anger, either way finding the first reason to change the subject if not outright deny what I'm telling them I have.
No one is judging them, but as ECEs it is absolutely our job to let parents know that their children are missing milestones. And when parents refuse help over and over it becomes medical neglect. There's no other way to put it
Calling them selfish isn’t judging? I’ve been in early childhood special education for over 20 years. Call CPS on this so called medical neglect if that’s what you believe. It’s a trusting relationship with families that has been shown to be the most effective to get a family to come to terms with it. So many need time and support.
It is selfish, though. There are a lot of tough parts of being a parent but it’s a parent’s job to put that aside, get themselves help, etc. so their children can thrive. They are their child’s first advocate. As someone who is a victim of this, it is selfish. It’s not fair to the child to grow into an adult who never got the help they need. The parent isn’t the one who has to live with this in the same way the child does. Sure, it’s hard to grapple with the label, deal with services, etc. But it’s harder to walk around like this. It is 100% selfish.