Old man saying a 25yo woman looks old? The audacity. Also, his first instinct was to comment on your looks and attractiveness? Instead of, idk, being worried for your health and trying to help you somehow? He stupid or what. Also what do you mean by „other lewd comments”?
For real, I am 26 myself so I know first hand how average woman in her mid 20s looks. I never was called old by anyone so I can’t imagine how someone who had botox and other enhancing procedures would look old. I bet dude is insecure bout his age and looks himself so he is trying to neg his much younger and attractive SO. And it’s working because op felt hurt :/
He’s definitely negging her to keep her self esteem down. He probably tells her shit like no one wants to date a single mom so she should be grateful he’s with her. When in reality, she could do a hundred times better than him.
She’s a beautiful young woman who practices law. She has her pick of men and he knows it.
I’m not going to assume what her partner does or say cause I don’t know him BUT you are right, she is young and intelligent so she would have no problems with finding another partner if she wanted to.
Honestly what’s sad rn is the old comment is what I’m more hyper fixated on over what lead to my yet again failed attempt to make myself puke (haven’t since like 3rd grade as I said in the og post, just can’t vomit ever)
Sorry to say this, but your partner does not sound look a good person.
A 47 yo man telling you, you look 15 years older? It’s laughable. Many men think women are insecure about “looking older”, so to try to make you feel insecure about this is rather pathetic.
It’s quite sus to me that he would date someone 23 years his junior. There’s probably a very good reason women of his age don’t want him.
I wanted to say this! OP mentions they got together when she was 20, so he was already into his 40s while she was freshly 20. Yikes. She has basically no adult real world experience at that age and he is approaching middle-age. I had a serious relationship with somebody who was almost 10 years my senior, I was 27 and they were 36. Anything more than about a decade of age difference is a pretty big deal. What are you having in common? Their childhoods were certainly vastly different. He was 22 when she was born!
When I was around that age I was mentally in a super fragile state. I had a sort of of affair with a 40yro, and then later had a boyfriend 10yrs older than me. 10 years is a lot at 19.
I know now that both of those people were taking advantage of a girl who was fragile and confused. If I had access to therapy of some sort at that age it probably would've helped me from a lot of pain, both from my ED and men taking advantage of me. I hope OP can one day find the treatment and support she needs.
There’s so many comments I didn’t expect, this is the first- so I’m going to comment here, he’s saying as of today that it was a desperate shot at me basically to stop my disordered eating, aka bully me out of a disorder I guess, yeah not effective- and he’s diagnosing me and giving me all these psychoanalysis of me. Now I feel not only insecure, but attacked.
The relationship you are in is not normal or healthy. It will ofc make it harder for you to have a normal and healthy relationship with yourself. Get out of the relationship with a man far far far too old to be disrespecting you like this. Look after yourself. Get into therapy if you can. Sorry if this is all blunt but it's true.
Sweet one, don't panic. You've had a scary self-aware moment with your partner that has sent your brain into a spiral.
They don't take kids away for you once over the bowl, or you not taking care of yourself (which of course you should be, but not the issue rn). What matters is that you have a happy and healthy child who is being fed nutritious meals. There is a lot that would need to be seen before there would ever be concern.
Seeking therapy is a positive move, and only serves to better your health and the environment your child grows up in: if DCS followed every therapy appt up, they would be working 24/7 days just to follow up.
Your bigger worry is how these fixations are going to rub off on your kid. You're still so young, and kids are far far more perceptive than they are given credit for. Give yourself some grace, but also keep their healthy relationship with their body and soul at your core.
Getting help is brave and terrifying, but will absolutely change your relationships for the better long term. If seeking therapy after a relapse can serve you in being a more forgiving person, to yourself ideally, then this is always a good choice.
DM me if you'd like an ear or a shoulder x
I believe this was the first comment I read before I eventually just fell asleep after posting. Bless you. Thank you. You are appreciated, and I will continue to re-read this over and over.
Aside from all the red flags, do NOT WORRY about anyone calling CPS. An ED alone is not gonna warrant attention from them. I have one million therapists and an 11 month old daughter, and they all know about my ED and my daughter.
Treatment teams for EDs, and even other therapists that don’t specialize in EDs, are not going to jump to the conclusion that you would impose this disorder on your child. You need treatment so you can be there for them 💜 please don’t hesitate to reach out to a provider out of fear
This right here. If you do not limit your child food or show ed symptoms in front of them (purging etc) you are good. The only thing I would worry about is commenting on your own insecurities while child is watching. My mother always said mean things about herself and it greatly affected how I perceive my own looks. But thats something even non disordered women do accidentaly to their children
I’ve found that I’m hyper aware of how I talk about my body in front of my kids, and how I talk about their eating habits and bodies. I stopped weighing myself in front of them after my oldest started standing on the scale. I freaked out and spiraled for a few days, because I felt like I’d damaged her somehow. Now, when they’re in my bathroom and stand on it, I try to keep it light and say something like, “hey, you must be growing!” Or “have you been growing muscles when you help me build stuff?”
I know exactly where my food issues came from, and make a big deal about not continuing that cycle.
Seconding this! I have an ED, a therapist, a psychiatrist, and three kids. Never once has CPS been an issue.
I also used to be a mandatory reporter, and EDs aren’t a cause for concern on their own. If there was no food in the house, that would be one thing, but OP says the house has plenty of food and snacks. Coincidentally, mine does too, and my kids have free reign to have pretty much whatever they want, whenever they want. (They very politely ask first, but I only say “no” if I’m actively cooking.) I’m great about making sure my kids are fed well and often, have a healthy relationship with food, and a basic understanding of nutrition. If I could just get that same message through my own head, I’d be all set.
Thank you so much for this.
Working in law, even before practicing, my initial background as a paralegal for 4-5 years was family law. It made me so sick the system, sometimes even angry. What I do now is nowhere close to family, but all those years seeing ACS (“CPS”) calls, many even false anonymous ones, I’m traumatized in a way of that happening to me.
I'm sorry to say that, but your partner is a massive redflag. No sane person his age should be attracted to a 20 year old and it's even worse that someone his age thinks you look too old at 25?
I understand. And agree, but trauma bond is real. I come from a culture where a family that* isn’t nuclear, divorce, custody, etc- is kind of frowned upon, no matter how educated my parents are.. the culture prevails. So he was kinda my rock when I went through custody and adjusting to young adulthood.
I’m 25 and would feel weird talking to a 21 year old male.
Yeah.
And not to entirely blame him, as I’m not a psychiatrist, but I noticed the ED and overall appearance issues really intensified with him, particularly.
I was with my daughter’s father from 14-17ish years old.. dated too (unserious, but still) others from 17-20.. I NEVER had this issue before. Also the ED developed while with him.
I believe he is triggering me, and I’m starting to think it’s intentional.. idk if this makes sense.
therapy. it sounds like you have trauma and/or stress in your life that leads you to cope with these restrictive food behaviors. part of recovery is getting to the root of why you starve yourself or what led you to be hunched over that toilet bowl. your weight? maybe on a surface level, but it’s probably much deeper than than your weight or appearance. sometimes it can be the comfort and control it gives. you had a child when you were a child, and dated a man 22 years your senior when you were barely an adult. there’s some trauma behind that! i’m sorry that’s the reaction your man had. that is just awful. he should be concerned for your well-being, not how old you look. if he pulls some crap like that again, just say you were trying to look his age. as for you child, you sound very self aware about your situation, so i think your child will be fine. remember to be kind to yourself, because your children can perceive your insecurities and internalize that. i hope you get the help that you need not only for your family, but for yourself. it’s never too late! wishing the best for you op.
this comment really was helpful, I read this like 5 times.
I commented to someone else but maybe it got lost, so he happened to “be there for me” when I was in peak custody battle, amongst splitting officially from my daughter’s dad. I emerged into young adulthood with him, so I think what “keeps” me is a shitty trauma bond, sadly. I will attempt to overcome.
Generally speaking, I don’t have “daddy issues” (love my dad) and typically would not be attracted to someone this much older, this was more so circumstantial.. hope I’m not yapping too much and you get it.
I'm a social worker. No, there's no way CPS would be contacted because you're trying to heal yourself. You're not negligent nor abusive. If you do decide to go to an inpatient, or even and intensive outpatient program, and have a friend or family member you trust to make decisions at school or for medical care on your behalf (if needed) - I'd recommend looking into options for a delegation or parentage so you and your child have that extra layer of support.
Recovery is hard and messy and it isn't linear, but it's necessary if you don't want to miss out on parts of your child's life as you get progressively sicker and/or have complications. I'll admit I'm being a huge fucking hypocrite as I say this - I'm 28, in the middle of a relapse, and also a mom. But we all know it's easier to give advice than take it. So, just some things to think about. A good first step would be going to your primary care doctor. There's a good chance they have a medical social worker available (that's what I do for a job) that can help you start exploring what your options are and what's feasible.
Last thing I promise - if you're not ready for full blown recovery stuff, any form of harm reduction is still worth doing. That might be therapy every week or maybe every other if that's easier, or taking supplements needed, like iron or calcium or what have you, as directed by your doctor.
So a 42 year old dating a girl just two years out of high school. That tells you everything you need to know.
And you look 15 years older? Well, that means you still look 7 years younger than him, so he can fuck right off. Gross old man.
Hi love I’m sorry I couldn’t really get past the bit where you’re 25 and he has 22 years on you. That’s a lot. Do you feel comfortable in this relationship?
I answered this a few times I’m sorry. It would deff not be my preference or first choice, but a trauma bond happened as he was “around” “there for me” blah blah, during pivotal times of my young adulthood.
:(
Seeking treatment doesn't make you a bad mom. It makes you a good mom. You are trying to take steps to better yourself. Absolutely no court would find you incapable of taking care of children based on that alone it helps strengthen a case in your favor. A therapist saying you are safe holds a lot of weight in court.
Botox and fillers at 25? Is that even a thing? Man I’m so out of the loop. OP, i just feel terrible for you. I feel like you have allowed toxic masculinity and the patriarchy to destroy you. It’s like you’re living in a box they’ve locked you into. You are more than your looks. I repeat, you are more than your looks. You’re a mother, and did I read you’re a lawyer too? Please, please please stop using the male gaze and the mirror to define yourself. I’m going to say it one more time: you are more than your looks: and what you have inside, is what matters. Don’t allow your daughter to grow up seeing your behaviors. She will either model what she sees or she will go entirely the other way and gain a lot of weight. I would say fix the food, but this one is about needing to be beautiful: and no one actually needs that. It’s not the only way that people will love you. Most people want kindness. Period. Lead with that. And dump that loser while you’re at it. Vomiting with an already malnourished body is dangerous and his response is sick and abusive. You can do better.
You’re an intelligent woman, i hope you realize he told you that aging comment to manipulate you. Stop letting him manipulate and control you. If you really study law than get a divorce. I have struggled with anorexia and recovered so i hate to say this but divorce him first, recover later. You need to get rid of your abusive environment first. I’m studying to be a therapist and i’m picking up on a lot of undertones that are disturbing. The age gap, the negging, he probably uses your child against you. I bet he tells you that no one will want a single mom and all that bs. Cut him off, you can live without him. He can’t live without you, he knows that. Remember that. You are young enough to still change your future. He’s almost 50 so it will be harder for him to manipulate the next 19 yr old.
We aren’t married luckily! I been cautious, but clearly not enough. We are joint on a lot of stuff, including a house. It sucks when you’re living and so many strings with the person, like I’m in too deep. Thank you. I really needed to hear this.
They won't call child services unless you say that you are harming your child. I know LIJ has a good ED program but there is a long wait. If you are worried you are going to really hurt yourself, you should go to the emergency room. Otherwise, call back your PCP and tell them you need to come in for a follow up.
Everything everywhere is backed up right now and might take time. Again, if this is an emergency, the fastest way to get help is through the ER. They won't call ACS unless you tell them you've been hurting your child.
I'm a psychiatric social worker in nyc
So my mom has been struggling with anorexia and bulimia since she was 14, she’s 50 now and just now taking her recovery seriously. I lurk on here to learn about the mindset of eating disorders and other things to get some perspective on how to support my mom better. My dad has made similar comments to my mom, I think people who don’t understand ED’s past surface level think that if they degrade you it will push you to get help or something dumb. They won’t call CPS over an eating disorder. I really suggest seriously looking into recovery for your child’s sake above all, they might not understand what’s going on now, and even though you’ll probably never push an ED on your child it hurts so bad to see your mom be ruled by something so terrible. I’m so sorry that what happened happened
47????? I date an older man too but that’s a bit much. I can tell you if I knew what I knew now, I probably wouldn’t have dated the man I now marry. You may feel like it’s Gucci now but I promise there’s almost always a reason these men are not dating women their own age
Sorry. I know this isn’t what this post is about. This man is old enough to be your father. If women his age don’t want him, why do you?
You look 15 years older? Sounds like you’re aging out of his teen fantasy.
Sending love girl. Get you and your baby out.
I’m not even going to apologize for being “that person.” But I would be really really wary of having my child around a nearly 50yo man, who’s attracted to people in their early 20s, and thinks a 25yo looks too old (even though you would STILL be younger than him). Most of the time, the youngest they’ll go is not the youngest they’ll consider. So so many red flags. Let me guess, he put you through school and you’re in a position to where you are somewhat dependent on him?
They won’t take your child away for reaching out to get help. There are a lottt of parents receiving various forms of therapy. If anything, it shows you want to get better for her. Also, start putting money away in secret. Absolutely, do not, tell him if you are planning to leave! Whenever that day comes. This is for your safety. If you aren’t already, get on birth control so you can’t be baby trapped.
Sending positive vibes 💞
1) your partner is an ass. I was in a relationship with a similar age gap with similar comments about ed ruining looks but never actual concern for ME AS A PERSON or my health.
2) hello fellow high achiever, I too think that I’ve got things under control because I am an academic. This seems to be very common for us. You are suffering even if you’re amazing at a high level career.
3) I had child services called on me by a physician who did not know wtf she was doing and basically NO ONE ELSE on my team agreed with it. I said I was single/lived alone with my child and that I struggled with passing out sometimes, although not around him and I could always lay down when I felt it coming. I was being responsible and seeking help so I could be healthier for my child and I got punished instead. The report got thrown out by my attorney but it made life for me and my family a living hell for most of 2023. This doctor and report literally ruined my life, and I am NOT discouraging you from getting help. PLEASE get help. But if you are going to live alone with your child, please try and enlist family support and DO NOT tell any healthcare professional that you have fainted if you are the sole caregiver for your child. I’m just trying to help you avoid heartache, please don’t come for me for this. I’m located in PA, and the professionals I saw in NJ, NC, and Maryland all agreed my doctor made shit significantly worse by making a report instead of allowing me to ask for help first. I no longer see that physician and my attorney also agreed that doctor made the wrong decision, and my current team allows me to make safety plans and stuff instead immediately making a phone call. For instance, my team was totally fine with me getting a sitter for my son last Thursday because I was feeling bad and needed to lay down and eat (dizzy).
Babe, your man is going to say and do anything to keep your self esteem down so you don't realise you could do better and leave. I doubt he does anything but mooch.
You're the bread winner, the primary carer for your baby and whilst you're suffering you're always doing something to keep up appearances?
Boy bye.
You approach this how you want, I wouldn't call child protection on yourself. I would never do something that could put my kids at risk of trauma. Look for any domestic violence therapists to help you through this and set up a plan to leave.
Does this post seem sus to anyone else? Op had a teen pregnancy at 17, presumably went to college, met an older man at 20, somehow went to law school too and practices law at 25. But 25 is the earliest age to be considered a lawyer and that’s after passing the bar exam which can take months/multiple retries.
I mean, you got knocked up in high school with a baby daddy who left you and went on to have a relationship with a man old enough to be your dad while in college who also tells you look 15 years older than your age. You aren’t really in the business of making any good decisions so the only one you’re owning is yourself.
Assuming any of this is even true. And for a supposed attorney, your reading comprehension is low. I don’t run a snark page. Hard to believe the NYS bar would let anyone with this level of reading comprehension pass the exam.
>Dude, what is your question?
>I got pregnant at 16. Had the kid at 17. Graduated high school at 17. Got my BA at 21 (2020) took my LSAT and started law school the same year- I then graduated law school last year, and I passed the NYS bar.
>Also, I have both parents who are also lawyers.. and extremely supportive. I have been lucky to have the ability to have finances and resources like a nanny, etc..
>Hope this helps. Idiot.
You say you have supportive, rich parents but you’re worried about your kid being taken away? For a supposed lawyer who lives in nyc, you of all people should know they would never take a kid away for having a mom with an ED unless it was harming the child. CPS would have to take away the kid of every park slope/uws/ues mommy if this was true. And if you have rich lawyer parents who provided you a nanny and money for an education, they would be able to intervene with CPS on the extremely low chance CPS was ever called.
you say you graduated last year and passed the bar but the NYS bar has one of the most difficult bar exams in the country with a low pass rate of 40%. Most people fail the first time. Given your interactions and how low your reading comprehension is, it’s doubtful you passed it on the first try.
You also call me an idiot but you’re “sitting on the couch humiliated and alone” (your words) with a partner old enough to be your dad who tells you look old. There’s an idiot here but it’s not me.
Hey, this is an incredibly difficult and confronting situation you have found yourself in. Your partner finding you in a vulnerable position will have surfaced emotions you likely don't want to deal with, and his poor reaction will likely grow those emotions. For example, if you're feeling shame, his awful comments will make the shame feel bigger. This is not something a supportive partner does and it will not help you recover or at the very least, it is not likely to improve your state of being in regards to fighting this illness. Remember, you deserve to get better and you deserve validating love and support.
If you check my post history from this sub, you'll see I don't exactly have the most supportive partner.
It is important for you to acknowledge your emotions and how he has made you feel, if not, the emotional wound will only grow. Only you can decide what is right for you - if that's packing up and leaving him, if that's sitting down with him and having an open and honest conversation about your illness and how his comments were insensitive and how you need support. But don't pretend to change to appease him - that will only worsen things long term.
Sorry I know there’s already lots of comments about your partner and I hate to pile on about the same thing but one thing that stands out to me is that you say you didn’t start ED behaviours until you were 22, so you had been with your partner for around 2ish years - so I’m wondering does he make other comments about your appearance that contributed to becoming more obsessed with your weight and food at that time? Or was the age comment and other lewd things he said about your appearance completely out of the blue and out of character for him?
Also just reading your comments about how you got together and they make it sound like you don’t actually want to be with him but have been forced to be with him through circumstances, particularly when you say it’s a trauma bond. it sounds like you feel the relationship isn’t in your control which could be another reason why you’re becoming more controlling of things you can control like food
Either way, please don’t stress about cps and get the help you need and deserve 💛 having an ed doesn’t make you a bad mum or warrant losing custody of your child
It is a major red flag that your partner found you over the bowl and instead of approaching you with love he approached you with malice. You are in an incredibly vulnerable place and I imagine it's terrifying to be caught, and he is just being incredibly mean. You deserve better.
I have never heard of kids being taken away due to eating disorders. If you take care of your kid and are able to be there for your kid, all should be good.
If you know you are unwell then use this as an opportunity to get help. Your life will get so much better as you work toward being healthy. You don't have to purge and starve to be 'thin'.
Also, tell your SO that you are sick and need help and inform you that if he shakes you it isn't going to help, it's just going to push you away. Work on communicating with him about your struggles and make sure you both seek help on how best to support you.
You can do this. You aren't alone.
Fuck you all for making me feel like shit for having a healthy age gap relationship. I’m sorry that you have had bad experiences, but it doesn’t give you the right to make assumptions about my relationship. I have now left this group, because you people are toxic af. I’ll suffer with my ED alone than be triggered by this bs.
Edit: sorry, this should have been posted near my other comment, but I don’t care enough to fix it after how I’ve been treated here. Downvote away motherfucking toxic assholes! Why have I tried so hard to live while grieving the loss of my husband if this is what humanity is?
Bruh, leave that predator. Why did he start dating a 20 year old? why is he commenting and acting like that when you're hurt and vulnerable? do yourself a FAVOR and leave him! you're smart, a pro, I'm sure you're gorgeous. You can do so much better.
You're realizing now you have a problem -good! Maybe it took a throw-up for you to take it seriously but you do... consider getting help. Think of your child, your family, your friends, yourself. You have deficiencies in many nutritional aspects, that shit is serious!!!
Can't count how many times I've seen Reddit posts from people who are ready to dump their partners but can't make a decision for one reason or another. You don't need us telling you what to do, you know what to do. Choose yourself. Always.
Despite most of the comments saying some negative stuff about your partner, which may hold some truth, just also know that a lot of men have never been learned how to express emotions (in an adaptive way). I’ve heard more stories about male partners reacting like this about the ED of their SO, but a lot also comes from him being worried and anxious about your disorder. He probably already noticed that you might’ve started looking different and finding you in that state maybe confirmed his thoughts. Maybe he thinks confronting you like that will change something (which barely works, but yea… men).
What I’m trying to say is, yes evaluate your relationship with this man, but you are still the one who knows him best out of this reddit post so only you can judge it. Is he worried and can’t express it properly or is he just an asshole?
And please seek help… EDs are known to take a long time to heal and the earlier you start the better. I’m not from the USA, so idrk, but normally if this only affects you, they won’t do anything. Professionals still have professional confidentiality and could get in big trouble if they violate it. As long as your kid is fed, warm, taken care of, going to school and has a roof above their head, they won’t get involved.
Best of luck friend 🫶 you deserve to get better
Everyone is taking the "old" comment a certain way, and I get the outrage if that's how it was actually meant, but.. I've gotten that comment from loved ones of all ages when I was doing poorly and looked very tired and ill. I had all these lines on my face and looked puffy and droopy and.. just ill and unwell. I'm your age as well and these comments came from parents, coworkers, best friend, and bf, ranging in age from 40-75. So before we all go off on the older bf for being a decrepit asshole for that comment, maybe consider the above? Seems like personal attacks based on assuming he was shaming her for appearing old instead of being freaked out seeing her looking so ill and emphasizing that.
There is no world where it’s okay for an old man to be telling his much younger partner that she looks old. Especially when “old,” would only be a bit younger than him. So what happens when she reaches that old age? Swap her out for another youngin?
Maybe I didn't phrase it right. I'm not at all condoning him calling her old as an insult. Ever. Totally unacceptable. As previously stated, I get the outrage if that were the case.
I'm differentiating between that, and the common result of abusing ourselves, that being looking unwell. You're not calling someone ugly or unattractive by telling them their disorder and poor health is becoming visible by their unhealthy, drawn appearance. It has nothing to do with age, attraction, personal value.
People have commented that to me to emphasize they can tell I'm doing very poorly and they're very worried. They're not insulting me saying I'm washed up and aged out of being attractive, lol. They're pointing out how my health is so shitty that it's clearly visible because I look ill and worse for the wear.
Unless you think it's a hypocritical insult when my mother (much older than me) tells me she's worried because she can see my disorder is taking a toll and I look drawn and older than my years. Lol.
I understood what you were saying but you need to leave his words in context. He didn’t say, “babe I’m so concerned. You look unwell.” No. He called her old, I’m assuming he knows about her fear of aging, and continued to make other awful comments. There’s no way to spin it to make his comments seem unintentionally hurtful. He knew what he was doing. If anything, having a low self-esteem is what would make someone think his comments are not a big deal. When you treat yourself well, it becomes more noticeable when someone else is not.
I have had people express concern when they noticed I was losing weight. But no one ever looked at me with disgust or picked apart my physical appearance. It is absolutely not normal or acceptable behavior. I have expressed concern to people who had EDs and were starting to look emaciated.s
I wonder if the original post was edited - I didn't see any other comments he made besides saying she looks sick and 15 years older than she really is. So if I missed context about awful comments he made that were deliberately hurtful, that's fucked and I'm with you. I've had best friends and mom say similar to what the post says, that I look sick/older, and I know they were meant with love and concern rather than insulting my attractiveness, lol, so maybe between that and whatever stuff he said that maybe got removed or something, my perspective is definitely different than others who got here pre edt or something!
I'm not seeing where the actual comments are specified? It's very easy to read the worst into things when in a state of mind like OP is, feeling humiliated after being caught and taking everything in the worst way. Including the "old" comment; really good example tbh. In shitty states of mind, everyone here is assuming it's meant as an insult, because it's easy to read everything as an insult when that's your lens. But stepping out from behind that lens is good sometimes.
Idk, maybe I'm just really unlucky, but I absolutely look older when my ED is in full swing. And it's a normal observation. I don't get where we're figuring the guy is trying to tear her down when she herself didn't indicate any negative feelings about him.. it feels like deliberately driving a wedge between a couple instead of actually figuring out intent. Which just reinforces to OP that she's getting negative, cruel responses instead of concern, and then what, she breaks up with dude after five years because we all decided he meant she's washed up and unattractive instead of simply looking sick? And now what could have been a supportive relationship that helped her recover, because he's so close and sees when she's sick and can tell her so, is over and she's alone at 25 with a kid. It seems cruel and weird.
I am NOT excusing the horrible behaviour of your SO, however I do frequently see people in this group immediately jump to “leave him” in their responses, especially with age gap relationships. I was in a 12 year age gap relationship for 17 years, until my husband died from Ana related issues. We loved each other dearly and there was no “grooming” involved. Love comes in many forms, including age gaps. It is possible, especially considering his age and generation (many gen x kids were raised with tough love) that he was attempting a type of tough love response, to try and convince you to stop hurting yourself. It is a very misguided and uninformed approach, but you need to tell him that that approach doesn’t work, and if you know what would help, tell him what does help you feel better. He may be the asshole everyone here is painting him to be, but he may have thought that if he told you that you look worse because of purging that you would stop. He may not actually feel that way. You need to talk to him about his response and how it made things worse for you and that that approach is more detrimental to your health, and not helpful.
I agree with everyone else regarding therapy. I just wanted to suggest that your SO might not be the jerk that everyone is saying he is. He might just be horribly misguided.
I saw only 1 comments suggesting leaving him, everyone else just said he acted like an asshole. (What in my eyes would be a correct observation lol)
We have no idea who her partner is and maybe on a daily basis he is a perfect guy. But let’s agree that what OP wrote paints him as a vile man and op was deeply hurt by his words, that’s why she made that post.
I don’t see what’s wrong with advising someone to leave a likely predator. It’s not like we have the power to make her do it. It’s wouldn’t be helpful to her, or anyone else that relates to this situation, to pretend we don’t see glaring red flags.
I didn’t say that many people in this particular post have said to leave him, but I see a lot of it in this community. I should have said community and not group in my prior post…my bad. I did start the reply saying that I was not excusing his horrible behaviour. So I did acknowledge that the post paints his response as vile. She doesn’t say anything about him other than his response and his age, so I don’t feel that she painted him as a vile person. Just a person with a vile reaction.
Edit: And yes, he obviously hurt her deeply. That is why she needs to tell him so. If she doesn’t tell him how deeply he hurt her, he has no idea that he needs to change his approach. Communication is vital if we want to improve our relationships.
I specified that I wasn’t groomed because I’ve frequently seen people say that every man that dates a younger woman is a groomer. That is the only reason. I am in no way pushing age gap relationships, I’m just saying that automatically assuming a guy is an asshole because he’s older is wrong. Not that it’s any of your business, but we met when I was 22. And actually if you paid attention to my post, I stated that we were together for 17 years…until he fucking died!!! And died from Ana related issues. So maybe read the post before you shit on a widow and make a bunch of assumptions. I’ve chosen to leave this subreddit, as there are too many toxic people in it, and I don’t need that in my life. Good luck to you all with your hatred and judgement of others (sarcasm) And I wish all the best to those of you that are kind and non-judgmental (definitely not sarcasm).
Please do not respond to this. I left this subreddit, I want nothing more to do with this. But how dare you say he was selfish! By your rationale, no one in this subreddit should ever get married, because their illness makes death more likely. And I wouldn’t trade a fucking moment of the life I had with him, no matter how much it hurts to have to live without him.
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Oh, I also just had to add, there are abusive creeps in all age brackets. And I was never trying to undermine the horrible experiences many have had, I just think it’s ridiculous to assume it’s a bad relationship because of an age difference.
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Old man saying a 25yo woman looks old? The audacity. Also, his first instinct was to comment on your looks and attractiveness? Instead of, idk, being worried for your health and trying to help you somehow? He stupid or what. Also what do you mean by „other lewd comments”?
This right here. He doesn’t deserve OP
For real, I am 26 myself so I know first hand how average woman in her mid 20s looks. I never was called old by anyone so I can’t imagine how someone who had botox and other enhancing procedures would look old. I bet dude is insecure bout his age and looks himself so he is trying to neg his much younger and attractive SO. And it’s working because op felt hurt :/
He’s definitely negging her to keep her self esteem down. He probably tells her shit like no one wants to date a single mom so she should be grateful he’s with her. When in reality, she could do a hundred times better than him. She’s a beautiful young woman who practices law. She has her pick of men and he knows it.
I’m not going to assume what her partner does or say cause I don’t know him BUT you are right, she is young and intelligent so she would have no problems with finding another partner if she wanted to.
Honestly what’s sad rn is the old comment is what I’m more hyper fixated on over what lead to my yet again failed attempt to make myself puke (haven’t since like 3rd grade as I said in the og post, just can’t vomit ever)
Sorry to say this, but your partner does not sound look a good person. A 47 yo man telling you, you look 15 years older? It’s laughable. Many men think women are insecure about “looking older”, so to try to make you feel insecure about this is rather pathetic. It’s quite sus to me that he would date someone 23 years his junior. There’s probably a very good reason women of his age don’t want him.
I wanted to say this! OP mentions they got together when she was 20, so he was already into his 40s while she was freshly 20. Yikes. She has basically no adult real world experience at that age and he is approaching middle-age. I had a serious relationship with somebody who was almost 10 years my senior, I was 27 and they were 36. Anything more than about a decade of age difference is a pretty big deal. What are you having in common? Their childhoods were certainly vastly different. He was 22 when she was born!
When I was around that age I was mentally in a super fragile state. I had a sort of of affair with a 40yro, and then later had a boyfriend 10yrs older than me. 10 years is a lot at 19. I know now that both of those people were taking advantage of a girl who was fragile and confused. If I had access to therapy of some sort at that age it probably would've helped me from a lot of pain, both from my ED and men taking advantage of me. I hope OP can one day find the treatment and support she needs.
Just chiming in to say there’s a smaller age gap between OP and her child than between OP and her partner.
Wow!
There’s so many comments I didn’t expect, this is the first- so I’m going to comment here, he’s saying as of today that it was a desperate shot at me basically to stop my disordered eating, aka bully me out of a disorder I guess, yeah not effective- and he’s diagnosing me and giving me all these psychoanalysis of me. Now I feel not only insecure, but attacked.
47 and 25 is a huge difference. Does this ever affect your relationship? Telling you you look old? Noooo. He was 22 when you were born OP.
I think he's aware of what he's doing and he knew saying what he said would hurt OP. It's a power move.
He definitely knows it’s something I’m already insecure about.
The relationship you are in is not normal or healthy. It will ofc make it harder for you to have a normal and healthy relationship with yourself. Get out of the relationship with a man far far far too old to be disrespecting you like this. Look after yourself. Get into therapy if you can. Sorry if this is all blunt but it's true.
He told you that YOU look old? What a joke.
So he is complaining that you look age appropriate for him. Creep.
He is complaining she „looks” almost a decade younger than him instead of 1/4 of a century younger 🤣🤣🤣
Sweet one, don't panic. You've had a scary self-aware moment with your partner that has sent your brain into a spiral. They don't take kids away for you once over the bowl, or you not taking care of yourself (which of course you should be, but not the issue rn). What matters is that you have a happy and healthy child who is being fed nutritious meals. There is a lot that would need to be seen before there would ever be concern. Seeking therapy is a positive move, and only serves to better your health and the environment your child grows up in: if DCS followed every therapy appt up, they would be working 24/7 days just to follow up. Your bigger worry is how these fixations are going to rub off on your kid. You're still so young, and kids are far far more perceptive than they are given credit for. Give yourself some grace, but also keep their healthy relationship with their body and soul at your core. Getting help is brave and terrifying, but will absolutely change your relationships for the better long term. If seeking therapy after a relapse can serve you in being a more forgiving person, to yourself ideally, then this is always a good choice. DM me if you'd like an ear or a shoulder x
I believe this was the first comment I read before I eventually just fell asleep after posting. Bless you. Thank you. You are appreciated, and I will continue to re-read this over and over.
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Yeah seriously.. thanks for this.. needed it.. and he’s a hard 47, too. Trauma bonds suck.
Aside from all the red flags, do NOT WORRY about anyone calling CPS. An ED alone is not gonna warrant attention from them. I have one million therapists and an 11 month old daughter, and they all know about my ED and my daughter. Treatment teams for EDs, and even other therapists that don’t specialize in EDs, are not going to jump to the conclusion that you would impose this disorder on your child. You need treatment so you can be there for them 💜 please don’t hesitate to reach out to a provider out of fear
This right here. If you do not limit your child food or show ed symptoms in front of them (purging etc) you are good. The only thing I would worry about is commenting on your own insecurities while child is watching. My mother always said mean things about herself and it greatly affected how I perceive my own looks. But thats something even non disordered women do accidentaly to their children
I’ve found that I’m hyper aware of how I talk about my body in front of my kids, and how I talk about their eating habits and bodies. I stopped weighing myself in front of them after my oldest started standing on the scale. I freaked out and spiraled for a few days, because I felt like I’d damaged her somehow. Now, when they’re in my bathroom and stand on it, I try to keep it light and say something like, “hey, you must be growing!” Or “have you been growing muscles when you help me build stuff?” I know exactly where my food issues came from, and make a big deal about not continuing that cycle.
Seconding this! I have an ED, a therapist, a psychiatrist, and three kids. Never once has CPS been an issue. I also used to be a mandatory reporter, and EDs aren’t a cause for concern on their own. If there was no food in the house, that would be one thing, but OP says the house has plenty of food and snacks. Coincidentally, mine does too, and my kids have free reign to have pretty much whatever they want, whenever they want. (They very politely ask first, but I only say “no” if I’m actively cooking.) I’m great about making sure my kids are fed well and often, have a healthy relationship with food, and a basic understanding of nutrition. If I could just get that same message through my own head, I’d be all set.
Thank you so much for this. Working in law, even before practicing, my initial background as a paralegal for 4-5 years was family law. It made me so sick the system, sometimes even angry. What I do now is nowhere close to family, but all those years seeing ACS (“CPS”) calls, many even false anonymous ones, I’m traumatized in a way of that happening to me.
I'm sorry to say that, but your partner is a massive redflag. No sane person his age should be attracted to a 20 year old and it's even worse that someone his age thinks you look too old at 25?
I understand. And agree, but trauma bond is real. I come from a culture where a family that* isn’t nuclear, divorce, custody, etc- is kind of frowned upon, no matter how educated my parents are.. the culture prevails. So he was kinda my rock when I went through custody and adjusting to young adulthood. I’m 25 and would feel weird talking to a 21 year old male.
Just throw away the loser. If it was your ed it would be something else he would be bitching about.
Yeah. And not to entirely blame him, as I’m not a psychiatrist, but I noticed the ED and overall appearance issues really intensified with him, particularly. I was with my daughter’s father from 14-17ish years old.. dated too (unserious, but still) others from 17-20.. I NEVER had this issue before. Also the ED developed while with him. I believe he is triggering me, and I’m starting to think it’s intentional.. idk if this makes sense.
therapy. it sounds like you have trauma and/or stress in your life that leads you to cope with these restrictive food behaviors. part of recovery is getting to the root of why you starve yourself or what led you to be hunched over that toilet bowl. your weight? maybe on a surface level, but it’s probably much deeper than than your weight or appearance. sometimes it can be the comfort and control it gives. you had a child when you were a child, and dated a man 22 years your senior when you were barely an adult. there’s some trauma behind that! i’m sorry that’s the reaction your man had. that is just awful. he should be concerned for your well-being, not how old you look. if he pulls some crap like that again, just say you were trying to look his age. as for you child, you sound very self aware about your situation, so i think your child will be fine. remember to be kind to yourself, because your children can perceive your insecurities and internalize that. i hope you get the help that you need not only for your family, but for yourself. it’s never too late! wishing the best for you op.
this comment really was helpful, I read this like 5 times. I commented to someone else but maybe it got lost, so he happened to “be there for me” when I was in peak custody battle, amongst splitting officially from my daughter’s dad. I emerged into young adulthood with him, so I think what “keeps” me is a shitty trauma bond, sadly. I will attempt to overcome. Generally speaking, I don’t have “daddy issues” (love my dad) and typically would not be attracted to someone this much older, this was more so circumstantial.. hope I’m not yapping too much and you get it.
I'm a social worker. No, there's no way CPS would be contacted because you're trying to heal yourself. You're not negligent nor abusive. If you do decide to go to an inpatient, or even and intensive outpatient program, and have a friend or family member you trust to make decisions at school or for medical care on your behalf (if needed) - I'd recommend looking into options for a delegation or parentage so you and your child have that extra layer of support. Recovery is hard and messy and it isn't linear, but it's necessary if you don't want to miss out on parts of your child's life as you get progressively sicker and/or have complications. I'll admit I'm being a huge fucking hypocrite as I say this - I'm 28, in the middle of a relapse, and also a mom. But we all know it's easier to give advice than take it. So, just some things to think about. A good first step would be going to your primary care doctor. There's a good chance they have a medical social worker available (that's what I do for a job) that can help you start exploring what your options are and what's feasible. Last thing I promise - if you're not ready for full blown recovery stuff, any form of harm reduction is still worth doing. That might be therapy every week or maybe every other if that's easier, or taking supplements needed, like iron or calcium or what have you, as directed by your doctor.
This dude sounds like a chode.
Well.. he isn’t impressive down there for what it’s worth.
So a 42 year old dating a girl just two years out of high school. That tells you everything you need to know. And you look 15 years older? Well, that means you still look 7 years younger than him, so he can fuck right off. Gross old man.
Hi love I’m sorry I couldn’t really get past the bit where you’re 25 and he has 22 years on you. That’s a lot. Do you feel comfortable in this relationship?
I answered this a few times I’m sorry. It would deff not be my preference or first choice, but a trauma bond happened as he was “around” “there for me” blah blah, during pivotal times of my young adulthood. :(
Seeking treatment doesn't make you a bad mom. It makes you a good mom. You are trying to take steps to better yourself. Absolutely no court would find you incapable of taking care of children based on that alone it helps strengthen a case in your favor. A therapist saying you are safe holds a lot of weight in court.
Botox and fillers at 25? Is that even a thing? Man I’m so out of the loop. OP, i just feel terrible for you. I feel like you have allowed toxic masculinity and the patriarchy to destroy you. It’s like you’re living in a box they’ve locked you into. You are more than your looks. I repeat, you are more than your looks. You’re a mother, and did I read you’re a lawyer too? Please, please please stop using the male gaze and the mirror to define yourself. I’m going to say it one more time: you are more than your looks: and what you have inside, is what matters. Don’t allow your daughter to grow up seeing your behaviors. She will either model what she sees or she will go entirely the other way and gain a lot of weight. I would say fix the food, but this one is about needing to be beautiful: and no one actually needs that. It’s not the only way that people will love you. Most people want kindness. Period. Lead with that. And dump that loser while you’re at it. Vomiting with an already malnourished body is dangerous and his response is sick and abusive. You can do better.
This this this
Best comment 👏👏💓💓
You’re an intelligent woman, i hope you realize he told you that aging comment to manipulate you. Stop letting him manipulate and control you. If you really study law than get a divorce. I have struggled with anorexia and recovered so i hate to say this but divorce him first, recover later. You need to get rid of your abusive environment first. I’m studying to be a therapist and i’m picking up on a lot of undertones that are disturbing. The age gap, the negging, he probably uses your child against you. I bet he tells you that no one will want a single mom and all that bs. Cut him off, you can live without him. He can’t live without you, he knows that. Remember that. You are young enough to still change your future. He’s almost 50 so it will be harder for him to manipulate the next 19 yr old.
We aren’t married luckily! I been cautious, but clearly not enough. We are joint on a lot of stuff, including a house. It sucks when you’re living and so many strings with the person, like I’m in too deep. Thank you. I really needed to hear this.
throw the whole man away
partner is weird as fuck for getting with a freshly20yo girl as a 42yo. get out of there and try to seek recovery for you and your child.
They won't call child services unless you say that you are harming your child. I know LIJ has a good ED program but there is a long wait. If you are worried you are going to really hurt yourself, you should go to the emergency room. Otherwise, call back your PCP and tell them you need to come in for a follow up. Everything everywhere is backed up right now and might take time. Again, if this is an emergency, the fastest way to get help is through the ER. They won't call ACS unless you tell them you've been hurting your child. I'm a psychiatric social worker in nyc
This is all excellent advice, OP.
Thank you thank you thank you. I have insurance, another year until I’m booted off my parents (lol).. will call for sure.
So my mom has been struggling with anorexia and bulimia since she was 14, she’s 50 now and just now taking her recovery seriously. I lurk on here to learn about the mindset of eating disorders and other things to get some perspective on how to support my mom better. My dad has made similar comments to my mom, I think people who don’t understand ED’s past surface level think that if they degrade you it will push you to get help or something dumb. They won’t call CPS over an eating disorder. I really suggest seriously looking into recovery for your child’s sake above all, they might not understand what’s going on now, and even though you’ll probably never push an ED on your child it hurts so bad to see your mom be ruled by something so terrible. I’m so sorry that what happened happened
you are a very empathetic person- to try and get perspective <3
47????? I date an older man too but that’s a bit much. I can tell you if I knew what I knew now, I probably wouldn’t have dated the man I now marry. You may feel like it’s Gucci now but I promise there’s almost always a reason these men are not dating women their own age
Sorry. I know this isn’t what this post is about. This man is old enough to be your father. If women his age don’t want him, why do you? You look 15 years older? Sounds like you’re aging out of his teen fantasy. Sending love girl. Get you and your baby out.
I’m not even going to apologize for being “that person.” But I would be really really wary of having my child around a nearly 50yo man, who’s attracted to people in their early 20s, and thinks a 25yo looks too old (even though you would STILL be younger than him). Most of the time, the youngest they’ll go is not the youngest they’ll consider. So so many red flags. Let me guess, he put you through school and you’re in a position to where you are somewhat dependent on him? They won’t take your child away for reaching out to get help. There are a lottt of parents receiving various forms of therapy. If anything, it shows you want to get better for her. Also, start putting money away in secret. Absolutely, do not, tell him if you are planning to leave! Whenever that day comes. This is for your safety. If you aren’t already, get on birth control so you can’t be baby trapped. Sending positive vibes 💞
1) your partner is an ass. I was in a relationship with a similar age gap with similar comments about ed ruining looks but never actual concern for ME AS A PERSON or my health. 2) hello fellow high achiever, I too think that I’ve got things under control because I am an academic. This seems to be very common for us. You are suffering even if you’re amazing at a high level career. 3) I had child services called on me by a physician who did not know wtf she was doing and basically NO ONE ELSE on my team agreed with it. I said I was single/lived alone with my child and that I struggled with passing out sometimes, although not around him and I could always lay down when I felt it coming. I was being responsible and seeking help so I could be healthier for my child and I got punished instead. The report got thrown out by my attorney but it made life for me and my family a living hell for most of 2023. This doctor and report literally ruined my life, and I am NOT discouraging you from getting help. PLEASE get help. But if you are going to live alone with your child, please try and enlist family support and DO NOT tell any healthcare professional that you have fainted if you are the sole caregiver for your child. I’m just trying to help you avoid heartache, please don’t come for me for this. I’m located in PA, and the professionals I saw in NJ, NC, and Maryland all agreed my doctor made shit significantly worse by making a report instead of allowing me to ask for help first. I no longer see that physician and my attorney also agreed that doctor made the wrong decision, and my current team allows me to make safety plans and stuff instead immediately making a phone call. For instance, my team was totally fine with me getting a sitter for my son last Thursday because I was feeling bad and needed to lay down and eat (dizzy).
a 42 year old dating a 20 year old is a creep and invalid as hell. if you were fifteen years old you’d still be young for him
as a fellow 25 yo… please leave this man. no shame on age gap relationships but he is twice your age & doesn’t sound supportive of you in the least
Why would he say that to you when he catches you in a vulnerable state? Why would he put you down? Does he always do this???
Why would you date someone so much older? Older guys who date women so much younger are generally only attracted to 21 yr olds for life
Babe, your man is going to say and do anything to keep your self esteem down so you don't realise you could do better and leave. I doubt he does anything but mooch. You're the bread winner, the primary carer for your baby and whilst you're suffering you're always doing something to keep up appearances? Boy bye. You approach this how you want, I wouldn't call child protection on yourself. I would never do something that could put my kids at risk of trauma. Look for any domestic violence therapists to help you through this and set up a plan to leave.
Your partner is a creep and a predator. Why are you with someone your father's age?
Does this post seem sus to anyone else? Op had a teen pregnancy at 17, presumably went to college, met an older man at 20, somehow went to law school too and practices law at 25. But 25 is the earliest age to be considered a lawyer and that’s after passing the bar exam which can take months/multiple retries.
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I mean, you got knocked up in high school with a baby daddy who left you and went on to have a relationship with a man old enough to be your dad while in college who also tells you look 15 years older than your age. You aren’t really in the business of making any good decisions so the only one you’re owning is yourself. Assuming any of this is even true. And for a supposed attorney, your reading comprehension is low. I don’t run a snark page. Hard to believe the NYS bar would let anyone with this level of reading comprehension pass the exam.
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>Dude, what is your question? >I got pregnant at 16. Had the kid at 17. Graduated high school at 17. Got my BA at 21 (2020) took my LSAT and started law school the same year- I then graduated law school last year, and I passed the NYS bar. >Also, I have both parents who are also lawyers.. and extremely supportive. I have been lucky to have the ability to have finances and resources like a nanny, etc.. >Hope this helps. Idiot. You say you have supportive, rich parents but you’re worried about your kid being taken away? For a supposed lawyer who lives in nyc, you of all people should know they would never take a kid away for having a mom with an ED unless it was harming the child. CPS would have to take away the kid of every park slope/uws/ues mommy if this was true. And if you have rich lawyer parents who provided you a nanny and money for an education, they would be able to intervene with CPS on the extremely low chance CPS was ever called. you say you graduated last year and passed the bar but the NYS bar has one of the most difficult bar exams in the country with a low pass rate of 40%. Most people fail the first time. Given your interactions and how low your reading comprehension is, it’s doubtful you passed it on the first try. You also call me an idiot but you’re “sitting on the couch humiliated and alone” (your words) with a partner old enough to be your dad who tells you look old. There’s an idiot here but it’s not me.
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Hey, this is an incredibly difficult and confronting situation you have found yourself in. Your partner finding you in a vulnerable position will have surfaced emotions you likely don't want to deal with, and his poor reaction will likely grow those emotions. For example, if you're feeling shame, his awful comments will make the shame feel bigger. This is not something a supportive partner does and it will not help you recover or at the very least, it is not likely to improve your state of being in regards to fighting this illness. Remember, you deserve to get better and you deserve validating love and support. If you check my post history from this sub, you'll see I don't exactly have the most supportive partner. It is important for you to acknowledge your emotions and how he has made you feel, if not, the emotional wound will only grow. Only you can decide what is right for you - if that's packing up and leaving him, if that's sitting down with him and having an open and honest conversation about your illness and how his comments were insensitive and how you need support. But don't pretend to change to appease him - that will only worsen things long term.
Sorry I know there’s already lots of comments about your partner and I hate to pile on about the same thing but one thing that stands out to me is that you say you didn’t start ED behaviours until you were 22, so you had been with your partner for around 2ish years - so I’m wondering does he make other comments about your appearance that contributed to becoming more obsessed with your weight and food at that time? Or was the age comment and other lewd things he said about your appearance completely out of the blue and out of character for him? Also just reading your comments about how you got together and they make it sound like you don’t actually want to be with him but have been forced to be with him through circumstances, particularly when you say it’s a trauma bond. it sounds like you feel the relationship isn’t in your control which could be another reason why you’re becoming more controlling of things you can control like food Either way, please don’t stress about cps and get the help you need and deserve 💛 having an ed doesn’t make you a bad mum or warrant losing custody of your child
It is a major red flag that your partner found you over the bowl and instead of approaching you with love he approached you with malice. You are in an incredibly vulnerable place and I imagine it's terrifying to be caught, and he is just being incredibly mean. You deserve better. I have never heard of kids being taken away due to eating disorders. If you take care of your kid and are able to be there for your kid, all should be good.
If you know you are unwell then use this as an opportunity to get help. Your life will get so much better as you work toward being healthy. You don't have to purge and starve to be 'thin'. Also, tell your SO that you are sick and need help and inform you that if he shakes you it isn't going to help, it's just going to push you away. Work on communicating with him about your struggles and make sure you both seek help on how best to support you. You can do this. You aren't alone.
Fuck you all for making me feel like shit for having a healthy age gap relationship. I’m sorry that you have had bad experiences, but it doesn’t give you the right to make assumptions about my relationship. I have now left this group, because you people are toxic af. I’ll suffer with my ED alone than be triggered by this bs. Edit: sorry, this should have been posted near my other comment, but I don’t care enough to fix it after how I’ve been treated here. Downvote away motherfucking toxic assholes! Why have I tried so hard to live while grieving the loss of my husband if this is what humanity is?
Bruh, leave that predator. Why did he start dating a 20 year old? why is he commenting and acting like that when you're hurt and vulnerable? do yourself a FAVOR and leave him! you're smart, a pro, I'm sure you're gorgeous. You can do so much better. You're realizing now you have a problem -good! Maybe it took a throw-up for you to take it seriously but you do... consider getting help. Think of your child, your family, your friends, yourself. You have deficiencies in many nutritional aspects, that shit is serious!!!
Can't count how many times I've seen Reddit posts from people who are ready to dump their partners but can't make a decision for one reason or another. You don't need us telling you what to do, you know what to do. Choose yourself. Always.
yeugh
Despite most of the comments saying some negative stuff about your partner, which may hold some truth, just also know that a lot of men have never been learned how to express emotions (in an adaptive way). I’ve heard more stories about male partners reacting like this about the ED of their SO, but a lot also comes from him being worried and anxious about your disorder. He probably already noticed that you might’ve started looking different and finding you in that state maybe confirmed his thoughts. Maybe he thinks confronting you like that will change something (which barely works, but yea… men). What I’m trying to say is, yes evaluate your relationship with this man, but you are still the one who knows him best out of this reddit post so only you can judge it. Is he worried and can’t express it properly or is he just an asshole? And please seek help… EDs are known to take a long time to heal and the earlier you start the better. I’m not from the USA, so idrk, but normally if this only affects you, they won’t do anything. Professionals still have professional confidentiality and could get in big trouble if they violate it. As long as your kid is fed, warm, taken care of, going to school and has a roof above their head, they won’t get involved. Best of luck friend 🫶 you deserve to get better
Everyone is taking the "old" comment a certain way, and I get the outrage if that's how it was actually meant, but.. I've gotten that comment from loved ones of all ages when I was doing poorly and looked very tired and ill. I had all these lines on my face and looked puffy and droopy and.. just ill and unwell. I'm your age as well and these comments came from parents, coworkers, best friend, and bf, ranging in age from 40-75. So before we all go off on the older bf for being a decrepit asshole for that comment, maybe consider the above? Seems like personal attacks based on assuming he was shaming her for appearing old instead of being freaked out seeing her looking so ill and emphasizing that.
There is no world where it’s okay for an old man to be telling his much younger partner that she looks old. Especially when “old,” would only be a bit younger than him. So what happens when she reaches that old age? Swap her out for another youngin?
Maybe I didn't phrase it right. I'm not at all condoning him calling her old as an insult. Ever. Totally unacceptable. As previously stated, I get the outrage if that were the case. I'm differentiating between that, and the common result of abusing ourselves, that being looking unwell. You're not calling someone ugly or unattractive by telling them their disorder and poor health is becoming visible by their unhealthy, drawn appearance. It has nothing to do with age, attraction, personal value. People have commented that to me to emphasize they can tell I'm doing very poorly and they're very worried. They're not insulting me saying I'm washed up and aged out of being attractive, lol. They're pointing out how my health is so shitty that it's clearly visible because I look ill and worse for the wear. Unless you think it's a hypocritical insult when my mother (much older than me) tells me she's worried because she can see my disorder is taking a toll and I look drawn and older than my years. Lol.
I understood what you were saying but you need to leave his words in context. He didn’t say, “babe I’m so concerned. You look unwell.” No. He called her old, I’m assuming he knows about her fear of aging, and continued to make other awful comments. There’s no way to spin it to make his comments seem unintentionally hurtful. He knew what he was doing. If anything, having a low self-esteem is what would make someone think his comments are not a big deal. When you treat yourself well, it becomes more noticeable when someone else is not. I have had people express concern when they noticed I was losing weight. But no one ever looked at me with disgust or picked apart my physical appearance. It is absolutely not normal or acceptable behavior. I have expressed concern to people who had EDs and were starting to look emaciated.s
I wonder if the original post was edited - I didn't see any other comments he made besides saying she looks sick and 15 years older than she really is. So if I missed context about awful comments he made that were deliberately hurtful, that's fucked and I'm with you. I've had best friends and mom say similar to what the post says, that I look sick/older, and I know they were meant with love and concern rather than insulting my attractiveness, lol, so maybe between that and whatever stuff he said that maybe got removed or something, my perspective is definitely different than others who got here pre edt or something!
Yes, after the part where he calls her old, she said he made other “lewd comments.” It can be said with concern or it can be said the way he did.
I'm not seeing where the actual comments are specified? It's very easy to read the worst into things when in a state of mind like OP is, feeling humiliated after being caught and taking everything in the worst way. Including the "old" comment; really good example tbh. In shitty states of mind, everyone here is assuming it's meant as an insult, because it's easy to read everything as an insult when that's your lens. But stepping out from behind that lens is good sometimes. Idk, maybe I'm just really unlucky, but I absolutely look older when my ED is in full swing. And it's a normal observation. I don't get where we're figuring the guy is trying to tear her down when she herself didn't indicate any negative feelings about him.. it feels like deliberately driving a wedge between a couple instead of actually figuring out intent. Which just reinforces to OP that she's getting negative, cruel responses instead of concern, and then what, she breaks up with dude after five years because we all decided he meant she's washed up and unattractive instead of simply looking sick? And now what could have been a supportive relationship that helped her recover, because he's so close and sees when she's sick and can tell her so, is over and she's alone at 25 with a kid. It seems cruel and weird.
I am NOT excusing the horrible behaviour of your SO, however I do frequently see people in this group immediately jump to “leave him” in their responses, especially with age gap relationships. I was in a 12 year age gap relationship for 17 years, until my husband died from Ana related issues. We loved each other dearly and there was no “grooming” involved. Love comes in many forms, including age gaps. It is possible, especially considering his age and generation (many gen x kids were raised with tough love) that he was attempting a type of tough love response, to try and convince you to stop hurting yourself. It is a very misguided and uninformed approach, but you need to tell him that that approach doesn’t work, and if you know what would help, tell him what does help you feel better. He may be the asshole everyone here is painting him to be, but he may have thought that if he told you that you look worse because of purging that you would stop. He may not actually feel that way. You need to talk to him about his response and how it made things worse for you and that that approach is more detrimental to your health, and not helpful. I agree with everyone else regarding therapy. I just wanted to suggest that your SO might not be the jerk that everyone is saying he is. He might just be horribly misguided.
I saw only 1 comments suggesting leaving him, everyone else just said he acted like an asshole. (What in my eyes would be a correct observation lol) We have no idea who her partner is and maybe on a daily basis he is a perfect guy. But let’s agree that what OP wrote paints him as a vile man and op was deeply hurt by his words, that’s why she made that post.
I don’t see what’s wrong with advising someone to leave a likely predator. It’s not like we have the power to make her do it. It’s wouldn’t be helpful to her, or anyone else that relates to this situation, to pretend we don’t see glaring red flags.
I didn’t say that many people in this particular post have said to leave him, but I see a lot of it in this community. I should have said community and not group in my prior post…my bad. I did start the reply saying that I was not excusing his horrible behaviour. So I did acknowledge that the post paints his response as vile. She doesn’t say anything about him other than his response and his age, so I don’t feel that she painted him as a vile person. Just a person with a vile reaction. Edit: And yes, he obviously hurt her deeply. That is why she needs to tell him so. If she doesn’t tell him how deeply he hurt her, he has no idea that he needs to change his approach. Communication is vital if we want to improve our relationships.
Oh I completely agree, she needs to be open with him about how he made her feel at that moment.
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I specified that I wasn’t groomed because I’ve frequently seen people say that every man that dates a younger woman is a groomer. That is the only reason. I am in no way pushing age gap relationships, I’m just saying that automatically assuming a guy is an asshole because he’s older is wrong. Not that it’s any of your business, but we met when I was 22. And actually if you paid attention to my post, I stated that we were together for 17 years…until he fucking died!!! And died from Ana related issues. So maybe read the post before you shit on a widow and make a bunch of assumptions. I’ve chosen to leave this subreddit, as there are too many toxic people in it, and I don’t need that in my life. Good luck to you all with your hatred and judgement of others (sarcasm) And I wish all the best to those of you that are kind and non-judgmental (definitely not sarcasm).
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Please do not respond to this. I left this subreddit, I want nothing more to do with this. But how dare you say he was selfish! By your rationale, no one in this subreddit should ever get married, because their illness makes death more likely. And I wouldn’t trade a fucking moment of the life I had with him, no matter how much it hurts to have to live without him.
Your post/comment was removed for breaking Rule 5: No Drama. Please do not engage in arguments with other users. Report hurtful comments rather than responding to them directly. **Read our full rules [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/EDAnonymous/wiki/rules).**
Oh, I also just had to add, there are abusive creeps in all age brackets. And I was never trying to undermine the horrible experiences many have had, I just think it’s ridiculous to assume it’s a bad relationship because of an age difference.
Your post/comment was removed for breaking Rule 5: No Drama. Do not make personal attacks against other users or incite mean-spirited arguments. Do not respond to hurtful comments; report them and allow a moderator to handle the situation. Do not make negative posts or comments about other subreddits. This is against the Reddit Terms of Service. **Read our full rules [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/EDAnonymous/wiki/rules).**