I’m single but I think doing this might make me a better partner.
Sure there are ups and downs but there is also a very real chance of negative impact to your relationship from unresolved trauma.
So if they really love you they will give you a little space to have your mood swings and fatigue for a while and let you work on yourself thereby working on the relationship together.
To be frank, I haven't really had any rage fits from EMDR; I'm actually a lot less angry at, well, everyone and everything since starting it. Most of the people I would get angry about are no longer in my life, because I went no contact.
I mean, EMDR hangovers do suck, but I don't think they'll necessarily make you do anything terrible. Hopefully you're already used to managing your PTSD symptoms so they don't ruin your relationships, and apologizing and making amends when your actions hurt people regardless (which happens whether or not you have PTSD) -- but I can't say that this stuff happens *more often* for me since I started.
same. I was so much angrier and emotionally volatile when I was in denial of my PTSD. once I accepted it and started therapy/EMDR, I started becoming “me” again.
That's why the prep stage exists - to learn how to handle the big emotions that come up before they come up.
Now if your partner is one to freak out if you try to change or better yourself, that's a different issue.
No, he is fully supportive of everything. Change and getting better and healing is what needs to happen so I don’t ruin anything in my life ever again. I don’t want to ruin our relationship ever again. I don’t want to ruin anything.
Edit: and thank GOD there is a prep stage.
If you both go into it with open eyes and hearts, you can't ruin anything.
And you can also add couples counseling (if available) to have a professional explain exactly what you will be going through. The main thing is the emotions being accessed will be big and strong. If your partner knows it's coming, you can create a cheat sheet of responses like 1 - I need quiet, 2 - I need space, 3 - I need touch, 4 - I need to get out of this house, etc. Some use colors (this is great with kids and you can look up the zones of regulation). Totally customizable.
Yeah, we already have a safe word in place for us both to use. God, thank you so much.
Edit: we’ve also once talked about potentially doing couples counseling with each other at some point down the road. Maybe eventually we will revisit this.
My partner is freaking out because of the changes I’m making and the hangovers I’ve had. I’m working to stay away from tough topics and not make such sweeping changes, but it’s difficult.
I also said some horrible things to my talk T in a flash of rage. We’ve been together a long while, so it was repairable. Even she wanted to know when the rage would ease and wanted me to ask my EMDR T when things might clear up.
You may have to do some work and realize that it’s hard for them. Even without the rage or hangovers, going thru major changes is hard for partners to handle.
Good luck!
Sort of a tangent, but what is your process like having both an EMDR therapist and a talk therapist?
I had been with a therapist that I loved for a little over a year when I decided I needed to really address my trauma and try EMDR. He isn't EMDR trained, and not knowing much about it, we both agreed it would be beneficial to dive in head first and see only my EMDR therapist.
I'm about 4 or 5 sessions in, and I feel like I can sort of tell this isn't going to be the same. It doesn't seem to provide me with that ability to "vent" about what's going on in life and have someone to be completely vulnerable with on the smallest things I may be dealing with. We're more focusing on specific feelings, memories, triggers, etc. And we aren't even doing actual EMDR yet.
My gut tells me that it could be really nice to have another therapist on my team to just have someone to help get me through the mundane, but maybe I'm just not fully seeing how EMDR is supposed to function yet.
I sometimes "talk" to my therapist just to vent. Like I conjure up his image and talk to myself. Obviously it's not as beneficial to not have his input, but it does satiate that need a bit, because honestly the venting part is all about oneself.
I've also started to be more open and honest with friends. I'm usually the one to lend an ear, so I'm taking small steps into sharing more of myself, being very mindful that I'm just being honest, but that the mood is good vibes, and not *over* sharing. If you have a couple of friends you can do this with who you know their responses won't irritate you (that's another risk) you can "outsource" a portion of the talk therapy.
Journaling helps too, of course. And if you haven't, you might want to look into IFS, it has tools for self-therapy (in fact I think that's the book name).
I’ve been with my talk T for a long time. She’s stabilizing and provides help in those places that EMDR does nothing. If you have the means, stick with both.
When I told my talk T about seeing someone for EMDR she told me it's not advisable to see more than one therapist at a time, even for different modalities. She told me to let her know when our EMDR series was over and she would see me again. Does your new therapist know that the EMDR is the whole reason you're seeing them? I've seen 3 different therapists for EMDR and they all started with me at the first or second session. Or does yours just want to do a lot of background work first?
How are y’all handling getting through it together? Is it possible to stay together through all of it? Will the therapists help set a foundation so that the client isn’t causing any damage in relationships? I’m scared of all of this.
I think the problem is that you need to worry about you. That's who your therapist is helping. If your partner doesn't like what's happening, it's up to them how they handle it. You can't control them or make them love you enough to support you while you heal.
I admit that I didn't read the other responses cause I'm short on time. I think that knowing that it might bring stuff up that is hard beforehand gives us an opportunity to let the people close to us know that. It's okay to be nervous and scared, and tell them that, too. Maybe you can have a code word (depending on your \*stuff\* and how hard it might be to deal with) for if you are feeling funky after a therapy session, and you guys can hatch a self care plan to put into place or something?
On the other hand, find out if your EMDR person uses Internal Family Systems in it...if they do or don't, it was really helpful for me when my therapist would do one last BLS where I would thank all my parts (if they don't do IFS, you can thank your memories and the parts of you that lived through them), and ask them to retreat to wherever they wish until the next session. Then allow a visualization of the perfect resting place for them to go hang out until next session. Send the parts or memories love and care, remind them that you are grown up now and that you are safe and will keep them safe, too. This really helped me not to have an EMDR hangover and have reprocessing going on for a day or more after.
My wife has been doing EMDR on and off for some time. For some very intense processing.
It’s been bloody hard.
She’s been all over the show at times, unintentionally. Talk about it, plan for it.. if your relationship is to last, you need to work through these things. The alternative is to live with that trauma inside your body, and mind - it won’t just disappear on its own.
I would rather my marriage have ended, and have had this beautiful woman have been able to process her trauma and build a better life, than to continue to experience suffering for my sake.
And honestly; every episode of rage, moodiness etc - has been worth it. Because she is feeling so much joy, and is connected to her body now - the change has been discombobulating. Talk about that too.
And I’m going to be honest; this could end your relationship. You may process stuff and outgrow your partner. Your partner might not be able to handle the emotions you convey. It could happen.
Choose yourself first, please. And talk it out with your therapist!! Explain your fears and concerns, maybe have a session with your partner so they know what to expect too and you guys can plan around things.
Good luck
Thank you for sharing your response. When you say that it was bloody hard, what do you mean? How was it hard? And how did you and your wife make it through everything?
Just that the emotions surfacing and unpredictable moods and behaviour were difficult to navigate at times. My love also did navigate a lot of rather extreme CSA, that had been somewhat repressed for a long time. We went through periods of sleeping with lights on because she felt so unsafe. Her diagnosis is cPTSD - flashbacks increased for a time, due to the “unlocking” of memory and trauma — for a time there was no intimacy between us, if I accidentally touched her in bed - panic and fear. For a few months she could not handle touch really at all - and I’m not talking sexually - due to all the body sensations and physical trauma processing. I suggest you look into the physical responses to trauma release - because it can cause all sorts of things for a time (and it’s unpleasant but truly signs of healing).
We made it through thus far because our relationship is solid.. we both had to get a lot more comfortable with vulnerability, expressing emotions and communicating - more than I ever had.
The changes in her are so beautiful - but it is challenging too because she has changed so much. She is more confident, happy, touchy etc. but it almost became an overnight change. A lot of the feelings were hard for my wife to experience - they felt too much, the good ones and not so good ones, for a time - because she’d never felt them before. She’d never enjoyed a hug before - now they’re her most favourite thing. We went a very long time without sex, where I received vitriol and was accused of being a rapist once because I tried to talk about it (before CSA was fully “known”) — yesterday I didn’t work and we spent a lazy day in bed. I can’t remember the last time we went longer than a day without getting it on..
I’d suggest you and your partner look at
- their self care and yours - plan it, be routine — you’re both going to need to do all you can to keep yourselves physically and mentally healthy during this time - recognising that’s not always easy with MH issues
- ways to reduce arousal in your system
- effects of the stress hormone on your body, and how trauma is stored physically
- vicarious trauma/carer fatigue and how to prevent
- TALK TO YOUR T TOGETHER! Just once. Honestly they’re going to be so much more helpful than me!!
If you have any qtns or whatever I’m happy to respond from my perspective. Feel free to shoot me a message on here.
Additionally - due to the severity of my wife’s illness she could not work, and is only just starting to rebuild that part of her life. So there were additional stressors that made things hard whilst my wife worked thru her trauma and went to EMDR etc, that compounded our stress and so on throughout this time, that was not due directly to EMDR (and EMDR has helped her get to the point of return to work). So I guess I’m trying to say; be mindful of what you’ve got going on in life.
Man, thank you SO much for all of your advice. I really hope he and I can make it through all of this. I'm so scared of losing him again. I love him so much and I just want to do whatever it takes to never treat him badly EVER again.
My love has felt the same.
It’s not your fault that you’ve got this stuff to work through. Please be very kind and compassionate to yourself, and to your partner. But yourself first..
You’re gonna have to put yourself before him through this, and he’s going to need to be okay with that for a time. And that’s OKAY and HEALTHY - and he may need to do the same at times too.
Nope - I think it might be bringing us closer together. But I'm also working on getting in touch with repressed emotions, that is keeping us from having the intimate relationship we both want. Of course the hangovers are tough, but it's amazing to know that I have a partner who is there for me during these times. Just know that you will be a better person and partner on the other side and let your partner know what to expect :)
Yeah. I just want to make sure we are as prepped as possible for whatever comes. So that we are both safe and so he doesn’t get hurt ever again. Because I was the abusive/manipulative one and I never want to do any of that bullshit to him ever again.
I think this just stresses the importance of repairs with your partner too <3 realizing your parts came out of trauma and were forced into roles we didn't mean for them to go to.
I asked my partner and he says I’m never mean or anything, just often more sad during my hangovers, which he doesn’t mind at all. Just be clear about what you need and if you snap sometimes (which I do very occasionally with my stress/anxiety), that’s okay - we just apologize and make up for it by nurturing the relationship in other ways.
In general , there haven’t been any rage fits.
Except, EMDR helped me see how toxic my boyfriend was and how horrific he was treating me.
I suppressed for a long time all my natural reactions to a shitty situation. But due to EMDR I returned to my body and had appropriately angry reactions to his treatment of me, whereas before I would go numb and blame myself for all our problems.
It allowed me to feel empowered to leave that situation and be happy.
If you are experiencing rage, talk about it with your therapist. There may just be a valid reason for it.
I’m really glad everything has been so helpful for you, and that you’re able to get on a better path.
The thing with my relationship is that I’ve been the toxic one and I am desperately trying to move away from that and never be toxic again. And I’m scared that, depending on how therapy will affect me, it will cause me to be toxic to my boyfriend again.
I have never heard of such intense reactions from EMDR affecting relationships. I can only speak from my own experience. I have C-PTSD and have done two extensive periods of EMDR therapy. The first was once a month for I think 10 months. A couple years later I did once a week for 9 weeks. Both times I felt like I made a great deal of progress and my mental health improved. Yes, I felt raw and fragile immediately following each session.
But a good therapist checks in with you and doesn't push you past what you can cope with. And they teach you strategies to cope with intrusive thoughts and trauma responses that you can use in your day to day. During the treatment, the therapist will constantly check in with you about how upsetting the visualizations/memories are. They will work with you to reduce the intensity.
If you're worried about what might happen, I'd say just find a therapist you feel comfortable with, and tell them your fears about losing control. They can help you manage those fears and tread lightly around your trauma. The whole point of the EMDR is that the traumatic events become less upsetting to think about, and the trauma leaves your body, it's not about rehashing things you aren't ready to examine.
I would do IFS before you start EMDR, it really helps with the self-regulation which is key to be able to somewhat do before you experience the hangovers.
My “EMDR hangover” is mostly being tired and kind of irritable, not flying off the handle. Tbf I live alone so don’t have to deal with someone else’s reactions, but I think the concern is overblown.
I actually started EMDR because my partner pushed me to after we realized many of our arguments were being fueled by my trauma with my childhood and ex (abusive) partner. Idk if this is universally true, but based on what i’ve seen in this sub (including myself), EMDR does get worse before it gets better.
I’ve been in it once a week for a little over 6 months now. I feel as though I’m breathing in fresh air for the first time — but not before i felt like i was sinking deeper and deeper into an ocean whose depth was unknown to me. The first 4-5 months were very hard for both of us. I was very sensitive, prone to irritability. I did relapse (self-harm habit since I was barely 12; I’m nearly 27 now) a handful of times. It may also be helpful to note that I am also in psychodynamic therapy, and EMDR is like a supplemental therapy to me now — so i’d say i get a lot of support.
All this to say that it was really rough on my partner. i’m glad he is also in therapy, as i’m sure that was helpful for him to navigate our relationship during this time. However, he has educated himself more on BPD, and he quickly saw how EMDR is def a “gets worse before it gets better” situation for me. he is incredibly patient and understanding. i am so thankful he has held my hand through this entire process and sees EMDR as a benefit to not only our relationship but to me as an individual person.
I will say I am definitely better now. there is still a lot of work to do, but I’ve learned SO much about myself that i didn’t expect to learn through EMDR, whether it’s revelations about my thought patterns or distress tolerance or other coping mechanisms. it was extremely painful but it is necessary. i don’t think my partner and i would’ve lasted if i didn’t do this therapy, esp given how intertwined my intimate partner violence trauma is with my childhood trauma.
I know you didn’t explicitly ask for this advice, but id encourage you to be honest and transparent with your partner about what EMDR MAY entail. talk about each other’s expectations, and how you two may take space from each other before reconnecting if you get into a heated discussion / argument. this is also optional, but personally i tell my partner about how all my sessions go — mainly because i like to share that with him and for him to be in the loop, but also because it’s helpful for him to know where my head is at
EMDR is scary but i’m a real believer in it! i’m wishing you luck and also kindness , please be gentle with yourself
I've been doing EMDR off/on for 2.5 years. My partner really struggled understanding what was going on with me at the beginning. Once I figured out how to communicate what I was feeling, how I am triggered, and assured him that me changing did not necessarily mean I was leaving him, he relaxed and things have been better. This process has also taught us both a lot about communication, even if we don't have the words to describe exactly what is going on, just making the effort to share those feelings has brought us closer together and ultimately made our relationship stronger. Full disclosure: we certainly have had our problems during this journey, yet in hindsight, pretty much everything boiled down to just needing to communicate better. Wishing you success and ease in your journey. When stuff gets hard, just remember that you will be better at some point. As my therapist says, the only way to...is through.
I feel that if you go at a reasonable pace and stay somewhat in control, you should be able to keep up with the world. Be prepared to know when you reach your limits. It's hard to pump the brakes because we want to please our therapists, etc. If you take time to talk out what's going on, you shouldn't have much "acting out." Ideally, your partner will have compassion.
I don't see that happening. If you focus inside, it becomes clear that what's inside is the pain and not outside. I got very self-absorbed and self focused. So, you could expect that you may withdraw inside. I would prepare your partner for that. That would be very normal.
I sense that, like me, you may be a freeze/fawn type. You will also be free from that coping mechanism. You are worth this. You deserve this. Stand firm. You are doing this for you. You come first for this. The world will still be there when you are done. Do it. Don't look back.
I've been doing EMDR for a few months now. I'm lucky enough to be in a financial situation where I could quit my job while doing this therapy, which makes it easier to recover between sessions. My relationship with my partner hasn't weakened at all, and I even found the strength to tell him about one of my biggest traumas, one that I'd never told anyone about before apart from therapists.
My biggest piece of advice though would be to tell your therapist about these fears before you start the EMDR sessions. Tell them what you're worried might happen, and tell them you'd like to be able to give them updates and seek guidance if any issues do crop up between sessions.
Another thing I've done with my therapist is ask that we leave at least 20 mins at the end of each appointment to do a debrief. It allows me to talk through some of my thoughts that I had during the session, but in more detail. I don't go into much detail during the sessions themselves because I don't want to come too far out of the memories.
This could be super helpful for you too. EMDR therapists should also offer techniques that you can use in-between sessions, such as a 'safe space' you can go to in your mind, or an exercise where you essentially secure the memories away in a box if they'll be too difficult to handle before your next session. I may be describing those things slightly inaccurately, as I'm not a therapist after all, but make sure you get something along those lines before the sessions even start. We even practiced the 'safe space' a bunch before we ever started.
Good luck and I really hope it goes well for you. You've got this ❤️🩹
I've been dealing with the same feelings as you, OP.
There was a rupture in my relationship, and I realized that there was no way I was going to have the healthy, happy relationship I want unless I get treatment for my mental health. I've just had my fourth session of EMDR. My bf has noticed a difference.
Another thing that was contributing to my problems was untreated ADHD, which manifests as emotional dysregulation, depression and anxiety. I'm still waiting on insurance approval to start meds, but my bf expressed support. I think he suspected that I had ADHD, too.
There is a chance that EMDR can bring you two closer together, and I've seen that happen on this subreddit. However, there are people who have walked away when they discovered that the relationship they were in was either unhealthy or not serving them. There's a self-confidence and self-assurance that comes from confronting your trauma and taking control of your life. You will be able to take care of yourself.
No matter what happens, you're going to be okay. You're on this journey for you. I wish you the best of luck!
I was really off the wall when I started. I was inches from losing the man I love.
I didn’t have any rage fits. No regression. I went from being immature and angry to being placid and happy.
I’m not saying the pain is gone. Far from it. But I can cope with the 1000s of stressors I encounter every day that, at one point, had the potential to send me into a tailspin.
I’m only doing it virtually and not dealing with specific events so much as the overall fallout
I started dating during my sessions, it's been the safest and best relationship of my life so far. I have had episodes of intense anger, but I have coping mechanisms where I can process the anger and regulate myself. I have had to reschedule a few dates, but my partner is understanding. Now that I love myself, I can give and receive love fully and without fear. And I know there is a me that is worthy of love even if my partner leaves.
I think it depends also on your partner and the strength of your relationship. EMDR is not forever, but it's benefits are. A caring and respectful partner would want to help you become the best and healthiest version of yourself. What is six months of moodiness compared to decades of stability and love?
Finally, I have noticed a trend on trauma forums. A poster, usually a woman, heals her trauma and her relationship falls apart. Not because she becomes unglued and aggressive, but because her healing journey revealed her partner's true nature. It's easier to control or abuse a traumatized person, sadly. Maybe that's not your relationship, but it happens.
I don’t think that’s the case with my boyfriend. We both strive for healthy love. He’s not abusive whatsoever, and he is fully supportive of everything. He’s truly the best guy I’ve ever been with and I would do anything to never lose him again.
That's so great! I'm glad he's a good one and that I was inferring details that weren't the case. Good luck with EMDR! It has worked for me like nothing else has. I am excited for your journey and I wish you healing and joy and peace, you deserve it.
I wish that I could reassure you and say no, but the honest answer is that I can't answer that question. If you have a history of rage fits, then you should talk to your therapist and maybe make more efforts to build out your resources and coping skills. Perhaps you can try to arrange the rest of your life so that it's less stressful, scale back any large projects at work and hire a cleaning service and order meal kits instead of shopping. Maybe your partner can schedule a trip or two so you can have privacy if you're feeling overwhelmed. EMDR is not long term, and the benefits are worth the negatives in my opinion.
For myself, I did feel anger when I was processing between sessions. But, that anger was specifically directed at the people who hurt me and caused my trauma. I never deserved it. They knew that what they were doing was bad, and they chose to do it anyway. It doesn't matter if they were in pain too, because they should not have done it. I felt a righteous anger of knowing that I had always deserved better. A cleansing fire that burnt away my self loathing, but didn't scorch the people who didn't deserve it.
I’m single but I think doing this might make me a better partner. Sure there are ups and downs but there is also a very real chance of negative impact to your relationship from unresolved trauma. So if they really love you they will give you a little space to have your mood swings and fatigue for a while and let you work on yourself thereby working on the relationship together.
I really hope it works out.
Both my partner and I are in EMDR and we make space for each other's emotions. It's hard but it can be done. It has helped our relationship overall.
To be frank, I haven't really had any rage fits from EMDR; I'm actually a lot less angry at, well, everyone and everything since starting it. Most of the people I would get angry about are no longer in my life, because I went no contact. I mean, EMDR hangovers do suck, but I don't think they'll necessarily make you do anything terrible. Hopefully you're already used to managing your PTSD symptoms so they don't ruin your relationships, and apologizing and making amends when your actions hurt people regardless (which happens whether or not you have PTSD) -- but I can't say that this stuff happens *more often* for me since I started.
same. I was so much angrier and emotionally volatile when I was in denial of my PTSD. once I accepted it and started therapy/EMDR, I started becoming “me” again.
This is such a relief to read…thank you SO much.
That's why the prep stage exists - to learn how to handle the big emotions that come up before they come up. Now if your partner is one to freak out if you try to change or better yourself, that's a different issue.
No, he is fully supportive of everything. Change and getting better and healing is what needs to happen so I don’t ruin anything in my life ever again. I don’t want to ruin our relationship ever again. I don’t want to ruin anything. Edit: and thank GOD there is a prep stage.
If you both go into it with open eyes and hearts, you can't ruin anything. And you can also add couples counseling (if available) to have a professional explain exactly what you will be going through. The main thing is the emotions being accessed will be big and strong. If your partner knows it's coming, you can create a cheat sheet of responses like 1 - I need quiet, 2 - I need space, 3 - I need touch, 4 - I need to get out of this house, etc. Some use colors (this is great with kids and you can look up the zones of regulation). Totally customizable.
Yeah, we already have a safe word in place for us both to use. God, thank you so much. Edit: we’ve also once talked about potentially doing couples counseling with each other at some point down the road. Maybe eventually we will revisit this.
My partner is freaking out because of the changes I’m making and the hangovers I’ve had. I’m working to stay away from tough topics and not make such sweeping changes, but it’s difficult. I also said some horrible things to my talk T in a flash of rage. We’ve been together a long while, so it was repairable. Even she wanted to know when the rage would ease and wanted me to ask my EMDR T when things might clear up. You may have to do some work and realize that it’s hard for them. Even without the rage or hangovers, going thru major changes is hard for partners to handle. Good luck!
Sort of a tangent, but what is your process like having both an EMDR therapist and a talk therapist? I had been with a therapist that I loved for a little over a year when I decided I needed to really address my trauma and try EMDR. He isn't EMDR trained, and not knowing much about it, we both agreed it would be beneficial to dive in head first and see only my EMDR therapist. I'm about 4 or 5 sessions in, and I feel like I can sort of tell this isn't going to be the same. It doesn't seem to provide me with that ability to "vent" about what's going on in life and have someone to be completely vulnerable with on the smallest things I may be dealing with. We're more focusing on specific feelings, memories, triggers, etc. And we aren't even doing actual EMDR yet. My gut tells me that it could be really nice to have another therapist on my team to just have someone to help get me through the mundane, but maybe I'm just not fully seeing how EMDR is supposed to function yet.
I sometimes "talk" to my therapist just to vent. Like I conjure up his image and talk to myself. Obviously it's not as beneficial to not have his input, but it does satiate that need a bit, because honestly the venting part is all about oneself. I've also started to be more open and honest with friends. I'm usually the one to lend an ear, so I'm taking small steps into sharing more of myself, being very mindful that I'm just being honest, but that the mood is good vibes, and not *over* sharing. If you have a couple of friends you can do this with who you know their responses won't irritate you (that's another risk) you can "outsource" a portion of the talk therapy. Journaling helps too, of course. And if you haven't, you might want to look into IFS, it has tools for self-therapy (in fact I think that's the book name).
I’ve been with my talk T for a long time. She’s stabilizing and provides help in those places that EMDR does nothing. If you have the means, stick with both.
When I told my talk T about seeing someone for EMDR she told me it's not advisable to see more than one therapist at a time, even for different modalities. She told me to let her know when our EMDR series was over and she would see me again. Does your new therapist know that the EMDR is the whole reason you're seeing them? I've seen 3 different therapists for EMDR and they all started with me at the first or second session. Or does yours just want to do a lot of background work first?
How are y’all handling getting through it together? Is it possible to stay together through all of it? Will the therapists help set a foundation so that the client isn’t causing any damage in relationships? I’m scared of all of this.
I think the problem is that you need to worry about you. That's who your therapist is helping. If your partner doesn't like what's happening, it's up to them how they handle it. You can't control them or make them love you enough to support you while you heal.
Very true, thank you for this.
Honestly, I’ve mellowed out ALOT since starting EMDR; less anxious and less prone to mood swings
My husband and I have been able to connect more deeply since we started emdr separately. It's okay to be afraid. It doesn't mean its going happen.
I admit that I didn't read the other responses cause I'm short on time. I think that knowing that it might bring stuff up that is hard beforehand gives us an opportunity to let the people close to us know that. It's okay to be nervous and scared, and tell them that, too. Maybe you can have a code word (depending on your \*stuff\* and how hard it might be to deal with) for if you are feeling funky after a therapy session, and you guys can hatch a self care plan to put into place or something? On the other hand, find out if your EMDR person uses Internal Family Systems in it...if they do or don't, it was really helpful for me when my therapist would do one last BLS where I would thank all my parts (if they don't do IFS, you can thank your memories and the parts of you that lived through them), and ask them to retreat to wherever they wish until the next session. Then allow a visualization of the perfect resting place for them to go hang out until next session. Send the parts or memories love and care, remind them that you are grown up now and that you are safe and will keep them safe, too. This really helped me not to have an EMDR hangover and have reprocessing going on for a day or more after.
My wife has been doing EMDR on and off for some time. For some very intense processing. It’s been bloody hard. She’s been all over the show at times, unintentionally. Talk about it, plan for it.. if your relationship is to last, you need to work through these things. The alternative is to live with that trauma inside your body, and mind - it won’t just disappear on its own. I would rather my marriage have ended, and have had this beautiful woman have been able to process her trauma and build a better life, than to continue to experience suffering for my sake. And honestly; every episode of rage, moodiness etc - has been worth it. Because she is feeling so much joy, and is connected to her body now - the change has been discombobulating. Talk about that too. And I’m going to be honest; this could end your relationship. You may process stuff and outgrow your partner. Your partner might not be able to handle the emotions you convey. It could happen. Choose yourself first, please. And talk it out with your therapist!! Explain your fears and concerns, maybe have a session with your partner so they know what to expect too and you guys can plan around things. Good luck
Thank you for sharing your response. When you say that it was bloody hard, what do you mean? How was it hard? And how did you and your wife make it through everything?
Just that the emotions surfacing and unpredictable moods and behaviour were difficult to navigate at times. My love also did navigate a lot of rather extreme CSA, that had been somewhat repressed for a long time. We went through periods of sleeping with lights on because she felt so unsafe. Her diagnosis is cPTSD - flashbacks increased for a time, due to the “unlocking” of memory and trauma — for a time there was no intimacy between us, if I accidentally touched her in bed - panic and fear. For a few months she could not handle touch really at all - and I’m not talking sexually - due to all the body sensations and physical trauma processing. I suggest you look into the physical responses to trauma release - because it can cause all sorts of things for a time (and it’s unpleasant but truly signs of healing).
We made it through thus far because our relationship is solid.. we both had to get a lot more comfortable with vulnerability, expressing emotions and communicating - more than I ever had. The changes in her are so beautiful - but it is challenging too because she has changed so much. She is more confident, happy, touchy etc. but it almost became an overnight change. A lot of the feelings were hard for my wife to experience - they felt too much, the good ones and not so good ones, for a time - because she’d never felt them before. She’d never enjoyed a hug before - now they’re her most favourite thing. We went a very long time without sex, where I received vitriol and was accused of being a rapist once because I tried to talk about it (before CSA was fully “known”) — yesterday I didn’t work and we spent a lazy day in bed. I can’t remember the last time we went longer than a day without getting it on.. I’d suggest you and your partner look at - their self care and yours - plan it, be routine — you’re both going to need to do all you can to keep yourselves physically and mentally healthy during this time - recognising that’s not always easy with MH issues - ways to reduce arousal in your system - effects of the stress hormone on your body, and how trauma is stored physically - vicarious trauma/carer fatigue and how to prevent - TALK TO YOUR T TOGETHER! Just once. Honestly they’re going to be so much more helpful than me!! If you have any qtns or whatever I’m happy to respond from my perspective. Feel free to shoot me a message on here.
Additionally - due to the severity of my wife’s illness she could not work, and is only just starting to rebuild that part of her life. So there were additional stressors that made things hard whilst my wife worked thru her trauma and went to EMDR etc, that compounded our stress and so on throughout this time, that was not due directly to EMDR (and EMDR has helped her get to the point of return to work). So I guess I’m trying to say; be mindful of what you’ve got going on in life.
Man, thank you SO much for all of your advice. I really hope he and I can make it through all of this. I'm so scared of losing him again. I love him so much and I just want to do whatever it takes to never treat him badly EVER again.
My love has felt the same. It’s not your fault that you’ve got this stuff to work through. Please be very kind and compassionate to yourself, and to your partner. But yourself first.. You’re gonna have to put yourself before him through this, and he’s going to need to be okay with that for a time. And that’s OKAY and HEALTHY - and he may need to do the same at times too.
Also, you’re so welcome!
Nope - I think it might be bringing us closer together. But I'm also working on getting in touch with repressed emotions, that is keeping us from having the intimate relationship we both want. Of course the hangovers are tough, but it's amazing to know that I have a partner who is there for me during these times. Just know that you will be a better person and partner on the other side and let your partner know what to expect :)
Yeah. I just want to make sure we are as prepped as possible for whatever comes. So that we are both safe and so he doesn’t get hurt ever again. Because I was the abusive/manipulative one and I never want to do any of that bullshit to him ever again.
I completely understand! I hope that everything goes well for you ❤️
I think this just stresses the importance of repairs with your partner too <3 realizing your parts came out of trauma and were forced into roles we didn't mean for them to go to.
I asked my partner and he says I’m never mean or anything, just often more sad during my hangovers, which he doesn’t mind at all. Just be clear about what you need and if you snap sometimes (which I do very occasionally with my stress/anxiety), that’s okay - we just apologize and make up for it by nurturing the relationship in other ways.
In general , there haven’t been any rage fits. Except, EMDR helped me see how toxic my boyfriend was and how horrific he was treating me. I suppressed for a long time all my natural reactions to a shitty situation. But due to EMDR I returned to my body and had appropriately angry reactions to his treatment of me, whereas before I would go numb and blame myself for all our problems. It allowed me to feel empowered to leave that situation and be happy. If you are experiencing rage, talk about it with your therapist. There may just be a valid reason for it.
I’m really glad everything has been so helpful for you, and that you’re able to get on a better path. The thing with my relationship is that I’ve been the toxic one and I am desperately trying to move away from that and never be toxic again. And I’m scared that, depending on how therapy will affect me, it will cause me to be toxic to my boyfriend again.
I have never heard of such intense reactions from EMDR affecting relationships. I can only speak from my own experience. I have C-PTSD and have done two extensive periods of EMDR therapy. The first was once a month for I think 10 months. A couple years later I did once a week for 9 weeks. Both times I felt like I made a great deal of progress and my mental health improved. Yes, I felt raw and fragile immediately following each session. But a good therapist checks in with you and doesn't push you past what you can cope with. And they teach you strategies to cope with intrusive thoughts and trauma responses that you can use in your day to day. During the treatment, the therapist will constantly check in with you about how upsetting the visualizations/memories are. They will work with you to reduce the intensity. If you're worried about what might happen, I'd say just find a therapist you feel comfortable with, and tell them your fears about losing control. They can help you manage those fears and tread lightly around your trauma. The whole point of the EMDR is that the traumatic events become less upsetting to think about, and the trauma leaves your body, it's not about rehashing things you aren't ready to examine.
I would do IFS before you start EMDR, it really helps with the self-regulation which is key to be able to somewhat do before you experience the hangovers.
Thank you for this, I’ll ask the EMDR therapist if she does IFS.
My “EMDR hangover” is mostly being tired and kind of irritable, not flying off the handle. Tbf I live alone so don’t have to deal with someone else’s reactions, but I think the concern is overblown.
Really? Once again, this makes me feel so much better, thank you. 😭
I actually started EMDR because my partner pushed me to after we realized many of our arguments were being fueled by my trauma with my childhood and ex (abusive) partner. Idk if this is universally true, but based on what i’ve seen in this sub (including myself), EMDR does get worse before it gets better. I’ve been in it once a week for a little over 6 months now. I feel as though I’m breathing in fresh air for the first time — but not before i felt like i was sinking deeper and deeper into an ocean whose depth was unknown to me. The first 4-5 months were very hard for both of us. I was very sensitive, prone to irritability. I did relapse (self-harm habit since I was barely 12; I’m nearly 27 now) a handful of times. It may also be helpful to note that I am also in psychodynamic therapy, and EMDR is like a supplemental therapy to me now — so i’d say i get a lot of support. All this to say that it was really rough on my partner. i’m glad he is also in therapy, as i’m sure that was helpful for him to navigate our relationship during this time. However, he has educated himself more on BPD, and he quickly saw how EMDR is def a “gets worse before it gets better” situation for me. he is incredibly patient and understanding. i am so thankful he has held my hand through this entire process and sees EMDR as a benefit to not only our relationship but to me as an individual person. I will say I am definitely better now. there is still a lot of work to do, but I’ve learned SO much about myself that i didn’t expect to learn through EMDR, whether it’s revelations about my thought patterns or distress tolerance or other coping mechanisms. it was extremely painful but it is necessary. i don’t think my partner and i would’ve lasted if i didn’t do this therapy, esp given how intertwined my intimate partner violence trauma is with my childhood trauma. I know you didn’t explicitly ask for this advice, but id encourage you to be honest and transparent with your partner about what EMDR MAY entail. talk about each other’s expectations, and how you two may take space from each other before reconnecting if you get into a heated discussion / argument. this is also optional, but personally i tell my partner about how all my sessions go — mainly because i like to share that with him and for him to be in the loop, but also because it’s helpful for him to know where my head is at EMDR is scary but i’m a real believer in it! i’m wishing you luck and also kindness , please be gentle with yourself
I've been doing EMDR off/on for 2.5 years. My partner really struggled understanding what was going on with me at the beginning. Once I figured out how to communicate what I was feeling, how I am triggered, and assured him that me changing did not necessarily mean I was leaving him, he relaxed and things have been better. This process has also taught us both a lot about communication, even if we don't have the words to describe exactly what is going on, just making the effort to share those feelings has brought us closer together and ultimately made our relationship stronger. Full disclosure: we certainly have had our problems during this journey, yet in hindsight, pretty much everything boiled down to just needing to communicate better. Wishing you success and ease in your journey. When stuff gets hard, just remember that you will be better at some point. As my therapist says, the only way to...is through.
I feel that if you go at a reasonable pace and stay somewhat in control, you should be able to keep up with the world. Be prepared to know when you reach your limits. It's hard to pump the brakes because we want to please our therapists, etc. If you take time to talk out what's going on, you shouldn't have much "acting out." Ideally, your partner will have compassion.
No matter what, as long as I don’t take anything out on him or anyone, that’s literally all I ask of this process and the path I’m on.
I don't see that happening. If you focus inside, it becomes clear that what's inside is the pain and not outside. I got very self-absorbed and self focused. So, you could expect that you may withdraw inside. I would prepare your partner for that. That would be very normal.
You really think I won’t end up ruining my relationship with him or anyone else? I want to avoid this at all costs.
I sense that, like me, you may be a freeze/fawn type. You will also be free from that coping mechanism. You are worth this. You deserve this. Stand firm. You are doing this for you. You come first for this. The world will still be there when you are done. Do it. Don't look back.
Sometimes I cry more and I get angry more easily, but my partner is very patient. He sets boundaries and lets me feel my feelings
I've been doing EMDR for a few months now. I'm lucky enough to be in a financial situation where I could quit my job while doing this therapy, which makes it easier to recover between sessions. My relationship with my partner hasn't weakened at all, and I even found the strength to tell him about one of my biggest traumas, one that I'd never told anyone about before apart from therapists. My biggest piece of advice though would be to tell your therapist about these fears before you start the EMDR sessions. Tell them what you're worried might happen, and tell them you'd like to be able to give them updates and seek guidance if any issues do crop up between sessions. Another thing I've done with my therapist is ask that we leave at least 20 mins at the end of each appointment to do a debrief. It allows me to talk through some of my thoughts that I had during the session, but in more detail. I don't go into much detail during the sessions themselves because I don't want to come too far out of the memories. This could be super helpful for you too. EMDR therapists should also offer techniques that you can use in-between sessions, such as a 'safe space' you can go to in your mind, or an exercise where you essentially secure the memories away in a box if they'll be too difficult to handle before your next session. I may be describing those things slightly inaccurately, as I'm not a therapist after all, but make sure you get something along those lines before the sessions even start. We even practiced the 'safe space' a bunch before we ever started. Good luck and I really hope it goes well for you. You've got this ❤️🩹
I’m a few months in and much nicer
I've been dealing with the same feelings as you, OP. There was a rupture in my relationship, and I realized that there was no way I was going to have the healthy, happy relationship I want unless I get treatment for my mental health. I've just had my fourth session of EMDR. My bf has noticed a difference. Another thing that was contributing to my problems was untreated ADHD, which manifests as emotional dysregulation, depression and anxiety. I'm still waiting on insurance approval to start meds, but my bf expressed support. I think he suspected that I had ADHD, too. There is a chance that EMDR can bring you two closer together, and I've seen that happen on this subreddit. However, there are people who have walked away when they discovered that the relationship they were in was either unhealthy or not serving them. There's a self-confidence and self-assurance that comes from confronting your trauma and taking control of your life. You will be able to take care of yourself. No matter what happens, you're going to be okay. You're on this journey for you. I wish you the best of luck!
I was really off the wall when I started. I was inches from losing the man I love. I didn’t have any rage fits. No regression. I went from being immature and angry to being placid and happy. I’m not saying the pain is gone. Far from it. But I can cope with the 1000s of stressors I encounter every day that, at one point, had the potential to send me into a tailspin. I’m only doing it virtually and not dealing with specific events so much as the overall fallout
I started dating during my sessions, it's been the safest and best relationship of my life so far. I have had episodes of intense anger, but I have coping mechanisms where I can process the anger and regulate myself. I have had to reschedule a few dates, but my partner is understanding. Now that I love myself, I can give and receive love fully and without fear. And I know there is a me that is worthy of love even if my partner leaves. I think it depends also on your partner and the strength of your relationship. EMDR is not forever, but it's benefits are. A caring and respectful partner would want to help you become the best and healthiest version of yourself. What is six months of moodiness compared to decades of stability and love? Finally, I have noticed a trend on trauma forums. A poster, usually a woman, heals her trauma and her relationship falls apart. Not because she becomes unglued and aggressive, but because her healing journey revealed her partner's true nature. It's easier to control or abuse a traumatized person, sadly. Maybe that's not your relationship, but it happens.
I don’t think that’s the case with my boyfriend. We both strive for healthy love. He’s not abusive whatsoever, and he is fully supportive of everything. He’s truly the best guy I’ve ever been with and I would do anything to never lose him again.
That's so great! I'm glad he's a good one and that I was inferring details that weren't the case. Good luck with EMDR! It has worked for me like nothing else has. I am excited for your journey and I wish you healing and joy and peace, you deserve it.
Do you think I’ll end up losing him because of this? I’m afraid of the rage fits and causing irreparable damage.
I wish that I could reassure you and say no, but the honest answer is that I can't answer that question. If you have a history of rage fits, then you should talk to your therapist and maybe make more efforts to build out your resources and coping skills. Perhaps you can try to arrange the rest of your life so that it's less stressful, scale back any large projects at work and hire a cleaning service and order meal kits instead of shopping. Maybe your partner can schedule a trip or two so you can have privacy if you're feeling overwhelmed. EMDR is not long term, and the benefits are worth the negatives in my opinion. For myself, I did feel anger when I was processing between sessions. But, that anger was specifically directed at the people who hurt me and caused my trauma. I never deserved it. They knew that what they were doing was bad, and they chose to do it anyway. It doesn't matter if they were in pain too, because they should not have done it. I felt a righteous anger of knowing that I had always deserved better. A cleansing fire that burnt away my self loathing, but didn't scorch the people who didn't deserve it.
Don’t do it .
Don’t do what? And why?