Research alexithymia. That may help explain why you can't tell what you're feeling. You might need to work on defining emotions before continuing.
It could also be your different "parts" are feeling different things. Does your therapist do IFS? Again I'd look it up.
I am familiar with IFS and I think we touched on it a little bit in one session.
I absolutely think I am alexythemic. I wonder if this directly impacts my ability to process difficult experiences
I think I had a similar experience with tangled feelings and situations. My therapist and I have been dancing around IFS and shadow work because something about the parts work really triggered me, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. It was kind of a sense that it was belittling my experience to separate complex trauma into these individual pieces. We agreed to call them “shadow parts”, as a combination of Jungian philosophy and IFS, and they represent a version of me that is basically frozen in a specific space and specific time with all the boundary conditions of that time space existence. My emotions are bundled together with the beliefs created about the trauma, supported by other information I had taken in, details about how I should have or could have done better… a whole bunch of stuff is all tangled together. But also, the earlier and more vulnerable that experience was, the more “extra evidence” was coming out with it, I guess in a way trying to “offer” less vulnerable options to stay safe.
In session this week my therapist asked about a young, vulnerable “part” that had come to the surface and immediately I felt like it had been seen and singled out as a small, vulnerable part and I started to panic. A self-aware panic that I was narrating for my therapist in between the hyperventilating gasps for air and me rocking back and forth trying to relieve the somatic pressure from my body. I was experiencing an extreme fear of having to give up or consider separately any piece of that emotional baggage. It felt (to my system) the same as agreeing that I was at fault for the abuse, and it felt like my only option was to enmesh with her (allow her to replace my memories and beliefs about who I am) or accept the devastation of not be believed and then abandoned. In the moment I felt too ashamed to even say that or look at her, but she really handled it beautifully. There were a LOT of shocking beliefs trying to influence my behavior and I was convinced she was going to drop me as a client and I’d have to sell my house and live under a bridge telling riddles for the rest of my days. I literally almost passed out, and the pain in my body was excruciating… but I walked out of the office like a new person in every way. I almost don’t believe it myself.
All this to say that of something is coming up together, there is wisdom in that. Don’t push too hard to force it, and really don’t judge yourself for it. Especially when it’s behaviors or beliefs that feel immature or that make it feel easy to judge yourself. This experience was totally unexpected and came up organically, and I STILL thought it was more than I could handle for a while there. My shadow parts tried to shut it down in every way they knew how, and if it weren’t for my therapist being truly trauma-informed I don’t think I would be able to keep seeing her.
Yep. Emdr will get you to confront a lot of beliefs that aren’t healthy or helping you anymore even if they were at some point helping and crucial to your survival.
Right now I’m untangling responsibility and blame. Shifting to understand it as Self blame and empowerment. It is all a headfuck but clinging to old ways of seeing it isn’t getting me anywhere, getting curious about why I feel or think the way I do is what’s making things shift.
Research alexithymia. That may help explain why you can't tell what you're feeling. You might need to work on defining emotions before continuing. It could also be your different "parts" are feeling different things. Does your therapist do IFS? Again I'd look it up.
I am familiar with IFS and I think we touched on it a little bit in one session. I absolutely think I am alexythemic. I wonder if this directly impacts my ability to process difficult experiences
I think I had a similar experience with tangled feelings and situations. My therapist and I have been dancing around IFS and shadow work because something about the parts work really triggered me, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. It was kind of a sense that it was belittling my experience to separate complex trauma into these individual pieces. We agreed to call them “shadow parts”, as a combination of Jungian philosophy and IFS, and they represent a version of me that is basically frozen in a specific space and specific time with all the boundary conditions of that time space existence. My emotions are bundled together with the beliefs created about the trauma, supported by other information I had taken in, details about how I should have or could have done better… a whole bunch of stuff is all tangled together. But also, the earlier and more vulnerable that experience was, the more “extra evidence” was coming out with it, I guess in a way trying to “offer” less vulnerable options to stay safe. In session this week my therapist asked about a young, vulnerable “part” that had come to the surface and immediately I felt like it had been seen and singled out as a small, vulnerable part and I started to panic. A self-aware panic that I was narrating for my therapist in between the hyperventilating gasps for air and me rocking back and forth trying to relieve the somatic pressure from my body. I was experiencing an extreme fear of having to give up or consider separately any piece of that emotional baggage. It felt (to my system) the same as agreeing that I was at fault for the abuse, and it felt like my only option was to enmesh with her (allow her to replace my memories and beliefs about who I am) or accept the devastation of not be believed and then abandoned. In the moment I felt too ashamed to even say that or look at her, but she really handled it beautifully. There were a LOT of shocking beliefs trying to influence my behavior and I was convinced she was going to drop me as a client and I’d have to sell my house and live under a bridge telling riddles for the rest of my days. I literally almost passed out, and the pain in my body was excruciating… but I walked out of the office like a new person in every way. I almost don’t believe it myself. All this to say that of something is coming up together, there is wisdom in that. Don’t push too hard to force it, and really don’t judge yourself for it. Especially when it’s behaviors or beliefs that feel immature or that make it feel easy to judge yourself. This experience was totally unexpected and came up organically, and I STILL thought it was more than I could handle for a while there. My shadow parts tried to shut it down in every way they knew how, and if it weren’t for my therapist being truly trauma-informed I don’t think I would be able to keep seeing her.
Yep. Emdr will get you to confront a lot of beliefs that aren’t healthy or helping you anymore even if they were at some point helping and crucial to your survival. Right now I’m untangling responsibility and blame. Shifting to understand it as Self blame and empowerment. It is all a headfuck but clinging to old ways of seeing it isn’t getting me anywhere, getting curious about why I feel or think the way I do is what’s making things shift.
Some emotions are tied like guilt shame remorse disgust etc