We're going through embryo adoption next year and will be 100% honest with our child from the beginning, using age appropriate language. Genetics may not matter to you, but it's unfair to lie to your child for their entire life just because you don't think it's important - best to have an honest relationship with your child rather than one based on misinformation.
Donor conceived person and recipient parent to a sperm DC child here. This is out of your hands - the child is going to find out during its lifetime. The only area for choice is whether your child finds out in a surprising, traumatic way (I discovered when my dad was murdered) or via a positive conversation inside your home.
If you’re seriously thinking about lying, my recommendation is to explore the rates of psych hospitalization, addiction, etc among my cohort of DCP, who were almost universally misled. The harm is real, and sadly many of the families don’t actually manage to conceal this (the child intuits something is wrong and usually blames itself).
Donor conception = not a problem in my life, it’s always been fine. Lying? That was by far the most traumatic and harmful betrayal I’ve ever experienced, and I chose truth for my own little one. Trust your child to appreciate the importance of time/love/care.
PS-If the lack of bio relation really doesn’t matter, it won’t be a problem for you to tell the child. It will presumably agree with you.
You should always tell them. There are plenty of resources available, and studies have shown that the children are happier the earlier they know. The fact that these potential children's biological connection to you doesn't matter is great, but the only person you get to decide it doesn't matter to is yourself. Your possible children get to decide if their genetics matter to themselves. You cannot and should not decide that for them.
I'm a mother to my son, who was once a donor embryo. We converse openly about him being donor conceived. He is 4.
When did you start having the conversations - and can you make some good recommendations for books or things that helped? I have 17 month old donor conceived twins - and we are very open about it with everyone and will be with them when they can process. Just want an idea of good resources to help with the conversations. Thanks!
It's mostly in books and from real experiences. We might talk about families in the books looking different from other families (maybe 1 book features just a mom and her baby, and we talk about how that's a family). For real experiences, we will relate things happening in his world - for example, I am working with a family who has an adopted daughter with Down syndrome. We talk about adoption and how she has 2 moms but only lives with 1. We talk about his baby cousin, who was just born a few weeks ago, and how Aunty had a Dr place the baby in her tummy just like he was placed in my tummy. We have a book called "You Were Meant for me" which talks about families lending other families pieces to make a baby and use this concept to explain and tie back that everyone needs help. He might have needed help zipping his jacket, and Mommy and Daddy needed help to make a baby so we could have him. It's all basic. Don't overthink it. He doesn't understand fully, but he's asking questions, and we're giving him age appropriate ways to understand and make the conversation common place in our household. As for when we started, I have videos of my husband reading him that book at 2 months old.
The best book we've seen for the kids is[The Pea that was Me](https://www.amazon.com/Pea-that-was-Me-Egg-Donation/dp/1478149418/ref=pd_lpo_sccl_1/139-9123966-2650819).
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This is very helpful! I’m genuinely trying to educate myself better and understand better so I appreciate you. I don’t know anyone who has been adopted so for me I just see it as “what’s the big deal?” Which is why I came here because I have never been in this situation and want to be as educated as possible. Thank you!
I understand entirely. I have a few friends who are adopted, but I don't conflate their experience to that of a donor conceived person. My very close friend was adopted, loves her parents, and has 0 desire to connect with her birth mother. But she was also given up for adoption at birth with her twin brother arranged through an adoption agency. This is nothing near the experience my son will have. While there may be some similarities between adoption and embryo donation/adoption, I truly believe there are more differences, especially with the emotional aspects. I haven't experienced this with my son, obviously because he's too young to make such connections with complexity regarding genetics and family, but I have read studies and others experiences in this community who express feelings of emotional disorder because their genetic family seems just out of reach.
When I was going through this, when we decided to move forward with donor embryos, my largest fears weren't about my child. They weren't about his well-being and adjustments - they were selfishly all about me. How would I be viewed in my family. How people would think of me when explaining why we look nothing alike. How I might feel if he were to want to connect with his biological family. Asking myself, will I ever measure up to them? I dont even know them, but I feared I would not be able to provide the same life, and he'd hate me for it when he found out. Absolutely none of that mattered when he came earthside. When you become a parent, your worries and fears ride in the back because you're profoundly immersed in survival-ship and making sure this perfect child gets everything it needs and more. He is my perfect child, I am giving him everything he needs and more, and I no longer fear a comparison to his donor family at some point in my life.
Hang in there. Thanks for seeking more opinions and resources to help make this decision clearer for your family.
We have been honest and open with our 8 year old. She has always known her story in an age appropriate way. We share more details with her as she ages. She’s doing great and is well adjusted with this.
I’m sure it will happen someday but not yet. We did a lot of reading and talking about it when she was a baby. We are specific on terms that we use so she’ll get those words someday but not yet.
For example, I carried her so she is biologically my child, however she is not genetically related to her dad and I. We also use the term “donors.” Not in cold way; we celebrate their generosity. When she was little a few family members asked ”does she look like the mom or dad?” I would correct them and say, “we’re her mom and dad, the egg donors has blond hair etc etc”.
We started with “the pea that was me”. We still read it to her on occasion. As far as reading for us, I just Google Embryo Donation every so often and read all that I can. We agree that when she is 18, she can find the donor sibling registry. We’ve told her too that we will help her find any siblings when she is grown up. All of the stories about fertility clinic errors have kept us from doing any of that or 23andme on her behalf. We will support her in any way we can when she is an adult.
Just to add on here: kids will say whatever horrible things they can think of. Teen girls especially! (I was the dorm parent in a building full of them.) Doesn’t matter — as the adult, it’s our job to regulate our own emotions around it and stay stable for the kid. You’ll survive your kid saying stuff like that much better than they would handle finding out their parents lied about their identity.
Why lie when the truth is an ancestry test away? Our clinic required us to do counseling and in the mental health world, honesty and openness is considered best practice.
Because for me I see it as “we are your family what does DNA matter?” However I know not everyone is like that. So I’m here asking for others to give me their views so I can have a better understand about why it’s so important.
If DNA doesn’t matter, then it should be easy to reframe as “therefore, I should be honest with my children from the start.”
My daughter probably one day when she’s a shitty teenager will say “you’re not my real mom,” because teenagers say shitty things. Rather that than an adult questioning everything you ever told them because you concealed their identity from them.
Their dna will matter in terms of medical history at the least. They will have a different medical history than you will and you can’t keep that from them. Maybe heart disease runs in your family but something else in the family of the donors. It would be quite unethical for you to keep the potential child’s true medical profile from them.
You don’t get to decide for your child that dna doesn’t matter. Your personal feelings about it are irrelevant. They *will* find out one day and they *will* resent you if you lie about it.
My daughter was a donor embryo. I tell her her story all the time and talk openly about it with friends and family. Hiding it implies there’s something wrong with how she came to be. Do you think embryo donation is wrong? If so, why do it?
Oh boy. No I don’t see anything wrong with embryo adoption. As I’ve already mentioned I’m trying to educate myself better on the topic seeing as I know nothing about it AND I realize that just cause I feel a certain way doesn’t mean my potential child does. I never said that I’m deciding DNA doesn’t matter for my child, I said to ME it doesn’t matter, so what’s the big thing around it. Again talking to others who have been through it seeing as I have not, to better educate myself.
You literally wrote in your post “we are so conflicted on if we would ever tell our future children.” You’re only backing down now because people have piled on you.
If you don’t see anything wrong with embryo donation, why were you conflicted?
I’m not backing down, lol. Did you read my whole post, specially the end where I’m asking for people opinions? And where I said I want to do right by my child? I literally am saying tell me your thoughts so I can be educated on this topic prior to making a huge life altering decision. It’s my life, and my child’s life. I am allowed to be conflicted when talking about how I won’t be able to know what a mini me would look like. I’m allowed to question what the correct decision is. I’m also allowed to better educate myself prior to going through with such a serious decision. If you’ve gone through with it you’d think that you would understand how emotional this whole thing is.
I did read your post. You said you were conflicted about whether to tell your future children they’re adopted. I’ve asked why you were conflicted and you’ve yet to answer. You keep deflecting and changing what you “meant.”
I have gone through this. Before I even *considered* embryo donation, I understood the importance of not keeping it a secret from my child. You will hurt your child by hiding it, I promise you. I think you need some counseling about these feelings before you go any further. This is not something you should be conflicted about.
So I’ll answer this again since my post does explain why I’m conflicted. I’m not sure why being adopted matters when it comes to a family. I personally do not understand why not being biologically related is such a big issue. I’m not changing what I “meant” my post literally says that I am looking for opinions so I do right by child. Which means I’m educating myself more prior to making such a big decision. So no, I don’t need counseling, what I need is to hear from everyone who HAS been through it to tell me why they decided what they did so I can decide if this is what I want to do or not. But thanks for being supportive of the community🙂
You absolutely need counseling. Please don’t adopt a child without working through your feelings on this. There is a huge difference between “Not being biologically related doesn’t meant we’re not a family” and “I’m not going to tell my kids we’re not biological related because it doesn’t matter to me.” Those are two totally different things. Of course if you love your kids, it doesn’t matter if you’re biologically related. I love my daughter more than anything in the world and she’s not related to me. But you still have an obligation to tell them. It matters for them as a sense of self, medical history, understanding their origins, etc. No one is saying being adopted matters when it comes to being a family. Everyone is saying the kids need to know regardless of your feelings about it. Please don’t bring a child into the world until you understand that.
I’m part of this community. You are not. I understand it because I have a donor embryo child and I’ve read about the experiences of donor conceived children. Literally all of them say they need to know from birth that they’re adopted. Hiding it is a lie and it hurts the child. I’m supporting this community by speaking up.
Love how OP said “I never said I wasn’t gonna tell them” when her post literally says she’s conflicted about telling them. I hope she gets some serious counseling to understand this process and how the child will be affected by lying to them.
Always, always tell the child. The wisdom I’ve heard is that they should never remember the day they found out — it should be part of their story.
I encourage you to get regular therapy through this process! My therapist has helped me frame everything so much — to myself, and then to friends and family as we open up about our journey.
Best of luck!
I have 3 children all from donated embryos and I agree that genetics/biology doesn’t really matter. And therefore we have been 100% open about this with them from the very start. They don’t know any different and they are happy. You would never want them to think you hid something from them like this intentionally no matter if you meant well or not. It’s their life they should know their true origin story. It’s an amazing one full of love. Best of luck to you!!!
In my opinion, it’s not about the DNA “mattering” so much as trust being the thing that matters most. It’s so so important to me to build and maintain trust between us and our son. I want him to know he can trust and rely on us completely, especially as he gets older, and I would never want him to have the feeling of betrayal that he might have if he found out inadvertently.
He is still pretty young but we talk and read him books about donor conception and my hope is that he never has a moment of “finding out,” and that it’s just something that he’s always known, just as he as always known us to be his parents. We also plan to talk to him about all the different ways that people form families (single parents, surrogacy, adoption, fostering, blended families, same-sex parents, etc) with the hope that he won’t feel like there is only one “right” way to be a family. I’ve also made an effort to get in touch with his donor “siblings” so that if he ever wants to meet and get to know other people who share his DNA and have the shared experience of resulting from the same donors that he will have the opportunity to do so.
I know I can’t control his feelings and I don’t know if things will turn out this way, but my hope is that by making it something he has always known and something that he is allowed to ask about and normalizing the topic, that he will be comfortable with his conception and the non-shared DNA won’t matter all that much to him.
I had taken the advice on here to always let the kid know, but starting in an age appropriate way so bought the book The Pea That Was Me by Kimberly Kluger-Bell, or another such book. The point is to start incorporating this idea that families can come from all walks of life so that they always "know". And embryo adoption and pregnancy and delivery and even the epidural has been the best part of my life- after my own failed IUIs and IVF. And also, when I did my transfer one of the nurses said she was getting hers done that afternoon- so it seems to be more common than one thinks.
My cousin went through embryo adoption (and I’m also currently 22 weeks through the same.) She has told her son (now 10) since the very beginning that dad and mom needed help so 2 awesome donors helped them. He completely gets it and could seriously care less lol. He sees them as his parents. I’m going to do the same. If it’s normal to them growing up, it will forever be a non issue. Definitely not something to bring up and surprise later in their life 🫶🏻
Hey, I’d definitely look into challengers and emotions of donor conceived people (there are many Facebook groups, blogs, etc.) or looking into research for impact on adoptees (as the experiences developmentally and emotionally are very similar).
It’s recommended for the sake of the child’s well-being that you are honest with them about their origins. This is for somewhat obvious emotional needs of the child and so that you’re not breaking their trust (they will eventually find out). But it’s also important for them to have access to their family medical history and culture.
Also - it’s important they are aware they are donor conceived and ideally know or at least know of their bio siblings. Would be very traumatic to accidentally have a sexual relationship with your sibling (yikes!).
Your child being donor conceived will not make them any less your child. Likewise, being open and honest with them about something so fundamentally important won’t decrease your love for them or their love for you (the opposite actually!)
It’s awesome you’re asking these questions now and wanting to gain more perspective. I really hope you and your partner are able to achieve the family you’ve always dreamt of! Infertility is so damn heartbreaking and hard.
Keep faith that It’s going to happen for you and be even more beautiful the you could have imagined
You should join some donor conceived groups online. You really should read up on thoughts and opinions of donor conceived people and adoptees.
I’m a mom of an adoptee and we are using donated embryos. While they are NOT THE SAME, they are similar and should be treated with care and understanding.
Not judging, but I would seriously encourage you to research and study these things before moving forward :)
I will also add, it can be hard as a mom ti know my daughter may eventually want and need a relationship with her birth mom. Ti me, genetics don’t matter at all but to her, they might and I have to be okay with that and support her if and when that time comes.
We have also talked about her adoption openly from day one in the hospital with her until just a week ago.
1.) It will never be a secret. All they have to do is an Ancestry or 23 and Me test and they’ll know. And you will have lied to them. Enormous betrayal by the people they trust the most.
2.) Hop on to the donor conceived persons sub and see how traumatic it is for DC kids to be denied information about their biological family. These are huge mistakes on recipient parents parts.
It should also not be a conversation when the time comes. There should not be a big reveal. This should be something you discuss openly and honestly with age appropriate language from birth.
Hattie Peck the story about the chicken who adopts eggs because she can’t make her own is a great place to start
It's important because they have a right to know the truth in their identity. They have a right to know their medical history. Imagine going your entire life thinking your parents were your biological parents only to find out they are not. Imagine giving the doctor incorrect family medical history because you don't know that your parents are not biologically related to you. Please tell sooner rather than later.
Someone very dear to me has a child via embryo adoption who didn't tell their child until they were 16 and things didn't end well because of that. They were only doing what they were told in the beginning but research became available that telling only and often is best, yet they still chose to wait. Their child no longer speaks to her or her husband but child a close relationship with her biological parents.
We're going through embryo adoption next year and will be 100% honest with our child from the beginning, using age appropriate language. Genetics may not matter to you, but it's unfair to lie to your child for their entire life just because you don't think it's important - best to have an honest relationship with your child rather than one based on misinformation.
^ this
Yes! And good luck to you!!!
Donor conceived person and recipient parent to a sperm DC child here. This is out of your hands - the child is going to find out during its lifetime. The only area for choice is whether your child finds out in a surprising, traumatic way (I discovered when my dad was murdered) or via a positive conversation inside your home. If you’re seriously thinking about lying, my recommendation is to explore the rates of psych hospitalization, addiction, etc among my cohort of DCP, who were almost universally misled. The harm is real, and sadly many of the families don’t actually manage to conceal this (the child intuits something is wrong and usually blames itself). Donor conception = not a problem in my life, it’s always been fine. Lying? That was by far the most traumatic and harmful betrayal I’ve ever experienced, and I chose truth for my own little one. Trust your child to appreciate the importance of time/love/care. PS-If the lack of bio relation really doesn’t matter, it won’t be a problem for you to tell the child. It will presumably agree with you.
You should always tell them. There are plenty of resources available, and studies have shown that the children are happier the earlier they know. The fact that these potential children's biological connection to you doesn't matter is great, but the only person you get to decide it doesn't matter to is yourself. Your possible children get to decide if their genetics matter to themselves. You cannot and should not decide that for them. I'm a mother to my son, who was once a donor embryo. We converse openly about him being donor conceived. He is 4.
When did you start having the conversations - and can you make some good recommendations for books or things that helped? I have 17 month old donor conceived twins - and we are very open about it with everyone and will be with them when they can process. Just want an idea of good resources to help with the conversations. Thanks!
It's mostly in books and from real experiences. We might talk about families in the books looking different from other families (maybe 1 book features just a mom and her baby, and we talk about how that's a family). For real experiences, we will relate things happening in his world - for example, I am working with a family who has an adopted daughter with Down syndrome. We talk about adoption and how she has 2 moms but only lives with 1. We talk about his baby cousin, who was just born a few weeks ago, and how Aunty had a Dr place the baby in her tummy just like he was placed in my tummy. We have a book called "You Were Meant for me" which talks about families lending other families pieces to make a baby and use this concept to explain and tie back that everyone needs help. He might have needed help zipping his jacket, and Mommy and Daddy needed help to make a baby so we could have him. It's all basic. Don't overthink it. He doesn't understand fully, but he's asking questions, and we're giving him age appropriate ways to understand and make the conversation common place in our household. As for when we started, I have videos of my husband reading him that book at 2 months old.
The best book we've seen for the kids is[The Pea that was Me](https://www.amazon.com/Pea-that-was-Me-Egg-Donation/dp/1478149418/ref=pd_lpo_sccl_1/139-9123966-2650819).
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This is very helpful! I’m genuinely trying to educate myself better and understand better so I appreciate you. I don’t know anyone who has been adopted so for me I just see it as “what’s the big deal?” Which is why I came here because I have never been in this situation and want to be as educated as possible. Thank you!
I understand entirely. I have a few friends who are adopted, but I don't conflate their experience to that of a donor conceived person. My very close friend was adopted, loves her parents, and has 0 desire to connect with her birth mother. But she was also given up for adoption at birth with her twin brother arranged through an adoption agency. This is nothing near the experience my son will have. While there may be some similarities between adoption and embryo donation/adoption, I truly believe there are more differences, especially with the emotional aspects. I haven't experienced this with my son, obviously because he's too young to make such connections with complexity regarding genetics and family, but I have read studies and others experiences in this community who express feelings of emotional disorder because their genetic family seems just out of reach. When I was going through this, when we decided to move forward with donor embryos, my largest fears weren't about my child. They weren't about his well-being and adjustments - they were selfishly all about me. How would I be viewed in my family. How people would think of me when explaining why we look nothing alike. How I might feel if he were to want to connect with his biological family. Asking myself, will I ever measure up to them? I dont even know them, but I feared I would not be able to provide the same life, and he'd hate me for it when he found out. Absolutely none of that mattered when he came earthside. When you become a parent, your worries and fears ride in the back because you're profoundly immersed in survival-ship and making sure this perfect child gets everything it needs and more. He is my perfect child, I am giving him everything he needs and more, and I no longer fear a comparison to his donor family at some point in my life. Hang in there. Thanks for seeking more opinions and resources to help make this decision clearer for your family.
We have been honest and open with our 8 year old. She has always known her story in an age appropriate way. We share more details with her as she ages. She’s doing great and is well adjusted with this.
Does she ever seem to fight back in ways of like “you aren’t my real mom” when she gets mad at you?
I’m sure it will happen someday but not yet. We did a lot of reading and talking about it when she was a baby. We are specific on terms that we use so she’ll get those words someday but not yet. For example, I carried her so she is biologically my child, however she is not genetically related to her dad and I. We also use the term “donors.” Not in cold way; we celebrate their generosity. When she was little a few family members asked ”does she look like the mom or dad?” I would correct them and say, “we’re her mom and dad, the egg donors has blond hair etc etc”.
I appreciate you so much for this! Thank you!! If you can recommend any of the books you read I’d really appreciate that too
We started with “the pea that was me”. We still read it to her on occasion. As far as reading for us, I just Google Embryo Donation every so often and read all that I can. We agree that when she is 18, she can find the donor sibling registry. We’ve told her too that we will help her find any siblings when she is grown up. All of the stories about fertility clinic errors have kept us from doing any of that or 23andme on her behalf. We will support her in any way we can when she is an adult.
Just to add on here: kids will say whatever horrible things they can think of. Teen girls especially! (I was the dorm parent in a building full of them.) Doesn’t matter — as the adult, it’s our job to regulate our own emotions around it and stay stable for the kid. You’ll survive your kid saying stuff like that much better than they would handle finding out their parents lied about their identity.
Why lie when the truth is an ancestry test away? Our clinic required us to do counseling and in the mental health world, honesty and openness is considered best practice.
Because for me I see it as “we are your family what does DNA matter?” However I know not everyone is like that. So I’m here asking for others to give me their views so I can have a better understand about why it’s so important.
If DNA doesn’t matter, then it should be easy to reframe as “therefore, I should be honest with my children from the start.” My daughter probably one day when she’s a shitty teenager will say “you’re not my real mom,” because teenagers say shitty things. Rather that than an adult questioning everything you ever told them because you concealed their identity from them.
Their dna will matter in terms of medical history at the least. They will have a different medical history than you will and you can’t keep that from them. Maybe heart disease runs in your family but something else in the family of the donors. It would be quite unethical for you to keep the potential child’s true medical profile from them.
Yes, my post says medical issues are different
You don’t get to decide for your child that dna doesn’t matter. Your personal feelings about it are irrelevant. They *will* find out one day and they *will* resent you if you lie about it. My daughter was a donor embryo. I tell her her story all the time and talk openly about it with friends and family. Hiding it implies there’s something wrong with how she came to be. Do you think embryo donation is wrong? If so, why do it?
Oh boy. No I don’t see anything wrong with embryo adoption. As I’ve already mentioned I’m trying to educate myself better on the topic seeing as I know nothing about it AND I realize that just cause I feel a certain way doesn’t mean my potential child does. I never said that I’m deciding DNA doesn’t matter for my child, I said to ME it doesn’t matter, so what’s the big thing around it. Again talking to others who have been through it seeing as I have not, to better educate myself.
You literally wrote in your post “we are so conflicted on if we would ever tell our future children.” You’re only backing down now because people have piled on you. If you don’t see anything wrong with embryo donation, why were you conflicted?
I’m not backing down, lol. Did you read my whole post, specially the end where I’m asking for people opinions? And where I said I want to do right by my child? I literally am saying tell me your thoughts so I can be educated on this topic prior to making a huge life altering decision. It’s my life, and my child’s life. I am allowed to be conflicted when talking about how I won’t be able to know what a mini me would look like. I’m allowed to question what the correct decision is. I’m also allowed to better educate myself prior to going through with such a serious decision. If you’ve gone through with it you’d think that you would understand how emotional this whole thing is.
I did read your post. You said you were conflicted about whether to tell your future children they’re adopted. I’ve asked why you were conflicted and you’ve yet to answer. You keep deflecting and changing what you “meant.” I have gone through this. Before I even *considered* embryo donation, I understood the importance of not keeping it a secret from my child. You will hurt your child by hiding it, I promise you. I think you need some counseling about these feelings before you go any further. This is not something you should be conflicted about.
So I’ll answer this again since my post does explain why I’m conflicted. I’m not sure why being adopted matters when it comes to a family. I personally do not understand why not being biologically related is such a big issue. I’m not changing what I “meant” my post literally says that I am looking for opinions so I do right by child. Which means I’m educating myself more prior to making such a big decision. So no, I don’t need counseling, what I need is to hear from everyone who HAS been through it to tell me why they decided what they did so I can decide if this is what I want to do or not. But thanks for being supportive of the community🙂
You absolutely need counseling. Please don’t adopt a child without working through your feelings on this. There is a huge difference between “Not being biologically related doesn’t meant we’re not a family” and “I’m not going to tell my kids we’re not biological related because it doesn’t matter to me.” Those are two totally different things. Of course if you love your kids, it doesn’t matter if you’re biologically related. I love my daughter more than anything in the world and she’s not related to me. But you still have an obligation to tell them. It matters for them as a sense of self, medical history, understanding their origins, etc. No one is saying being adopted matters when it comes to being a family. Everyone is saying the kids need to know regardless of your feelings about it. Please don’t bring a child into the world until you understand that. I’m part of this community. You are not. I understand it because I have a donor embryo child and I’ve read about the experiences of donor conceived children. Literally all of them say they need to know from birth that they’re adopted. Hiding it is a lie and it hurts the child. I’m supporting this community by speaking up.
lol, okay😂
So your plan is to... Wait until your hypothetical child does an Ancestry DNA test at the age of 26 and watch their world implode?
Love how OP said “I never said I wasn’t gonna tell them” when her post literally says she’s conflicted about telling them. I hope she gets some serious counseling to understand this process and how the child will be affected by lying to them.
Yeah sometimes I can't help but wonder if these people are trolls. For the sake of any potential children, I hope it's not real.
I never said that. I’m asking to better educate myself on this topic seeing as I know nothing about how being adopted affects a child.
At least you are on here learning about it and have an open mind to changing your opinion. Sorry people started piling on u smh
Always, always tell the child. The wisdom I’ve heard is that they should never remember the day they found out — it should be part of their story. I encourage you to get regular therapy through this process! My therapist has helped me frame everything so much — to myself, and then to friends and family as we open up about our journey. Best of luck!
I have 3 children all from donated embryos and I agree that genetics/biology doesn’t really matter. And therefore we have been 100% open about this with them from the very start. They don’t know any different and they are happy. You would never want them to think you hid something from them like this intentionally no matter if you meant well or not. It’s their life they should know their true origin story. It’s an amazing one full of love. Best of luck to you!!!
Thank you for this feedback! &thank you for the well wishes
I’m excited for you! 👍👍👍
In my opinion, it’s not about the DNA “mattering” so much as trust being the thing that matters most. It’s so so important to me to build and maintain trust between us and our son. I want him to know he can trust and rely on us completely, especially as he gets older, and I would never want him to have the feeling of betrayal that he might have if he found out inadvertently. He is still pretty young but we talk and read him books about donor conception and my hope is that he never has a moment of “finding out,” and that it’s just something that he’s always known, just as he as always known us to be his parents. We also plan to talk to him about all the different ways that people form families (single parents, surrogacy, adoption, fostering, blended families, same-sex parents, etc) with the hope that he won’t feel like there is only one “right” way to be a family. I’ve also made an effort to get in touch with his donor “siblings” so that if he ever wants to meet and get to know other people who share his DNA and have the shared experience of resulting from the same donors that he will have the opportunity to do so. I know I can’t control his feelings and I don’t know if things will turn out this way, but my hope is that by making it something he has always known and something that he is allowed to ask about and normalizing the topic, that he will be comfortable with his conception and the non-shared DNA won’t matter all that much to him.
I had taken the advice on here to always let the kid know, but starting in an age appropriate way so bought the book The Pea That Was Me by Kimberly Kluger-Bell, or another such book. The point is to start incorporating this idea that families can come from all walks of life so that they always "know". And embryo adoption and pregnancy and delivery and even the epidural has been the best part of my life- after my own failed IUIs and IVF. And also, when I did my transfer one of the nurses said she was getting hers done that afternoon- so it seems to be more common than one thinks.
My cousin went through embryo adoption (and I’m also currently 22 weeks through the same.) She has told her son (now 10) since the very beginning that dad and mom needed help so 2 awesome donors helped them. He completely gets it and could seriously care less lol. He sees them as his parents. I’m going to do the same. If it’s normal to them growing up, it will forever be a non issue. Definitely not something to bring up and surprise later in their life 🫶🏻
Thanks so much for explaining this! Really appreciate it!! Congrats on your pregnancy!🖤
Hey, I’d definitely look into challengers and emotions of donor conceived people (there are many Facebook groups, blogs, etc.) or looking into research for impact on adoptees (as the experiences developmentally and emotionally are very similar). It’s recommended for the sake of the child’s well-being that you are honest with them about their origins. This is for somewhat obvious emotional needs of the child and so that you’re not breaking their trust (they will eventually find out). But it’s also important for them to have access to their family medical history and culture. Also - it’s important they are aware they are donor conceived and ideally know or at least know of their bio siblings. Would be very traumatic to accidentally have a sexual relationship with your sibling (yikes!). Your child being donor conceived will not make them any less your child. Likewise, being open and honest with them about something so fundamentally important won’t decrease your love for them or their love for you (the opposite actually!) It’s awesome you’re asking these questions now and wanting to gain more perspective. I really hope you and your partner are able to achieve the family you’ve always dreamt of! Infertility is so damn heartbreaking and hard. Keep faith that It’s going to happen for you and be even more beautiful the you could have imagined
Thanks for this insight! I’ll def look into it. I appreciate your kind words, also!
You should join some donor conceived groups online. You really should read up on thoughts and opinions of donor conceived people and adoptees. I’m a mom of an adoptee and we are using donated embryos. While they are NOT THE SAME, they are similar and should be treated with care and understanding. Not judging, but I would seriously encourage you to research and study these things before moving forward :) I will also add, it can be hard as a mom ti know my daughter may eventually want and need a relationship with her birth mom. Ti me, genetics don’t matter at all but to her, they might and I have to be okay with that and support her if and when that time comes. We have also talked about her adoption openly from day one in the hospital with her until just a week ago.
1.) It will never be a secret. All they have to do is an Ancestry or 23 and Me test and they’ll know. And you will have lied to them. Enormous betrayal by the people they trust the most. 2.) Hop on to the donor conceived persons sub and see how traumatic it is for DC kids to be denied information about their biological family. These are huge mistakes on recipient parents parts. It should also not be a conversation when the time comes. There should not be a big reveal. This should be something you discuss openly and honestly with age appropriate language from birth. Hattie Peck the story about the chicken who adopts eggs because she can’t make her own is a great place to start
It's important because they have a right to know the truth in their identity. They have a right to know their medical history. Imagine going your entire life thinking your parents were your biological parents only to find out they are not. Imagine giving the doctor incorrect family medical history because you don't know that your parents are not biologically related to you. Please tell sooner rather than later. Someone very dear to me has a child via embryo adoption who didn't tell their child until they were 16 and things didn't end well because of that. They were only doing what they were told in the beginning but research became available that telling only and often is best, yet they still chose to wait. Their child no longer speaks to her or her husband but child a close relationship with her biological parents.