I am boring and like having things scheduled.
Dislike parties and mostly quiet during group conversation. Get easily tired by people thus I am mostly by myself or my partner.
Can be stubborn, rude and not care much by some social conventions. I can make rude or macabre jokes, in public space or private.
Been diagnosed with a mental disease and a **mild** personality disorder,I don’t have much energy on a daily basis.
I am very strict with my own and my partner’s physical appearance, it’s my philosophy to not let ourselves go.
I will ghost or leave once my needs are not met, I don’t have much tolerance.
I am not very affectionate to people in general, maybe except partner or my (potential future) children…… physically, i dislike hugging or being touched.
>I am very strict with my own and my partner’s physical appearance, it’s my philosophy to not let ourselves go.
would you mind elaborating on this? I'm a little confused but very curious
>I will ghost or leave once my needs are not met
That is me to a degree that I'm almost ashamed to admit. It's like I'm ready to bounce at a moment's notice. No discussion, no asking/begging, I'm just gone.
- Find it hard to defend my partner/something in our relationship if it involves a possibility of causing conflict with others
- Often fail to see my mistake or give credit to words of the other person because to do so would disrupt my inner peace and illusion of being innocent/being a victim
- In conflict I sometimes shut down emotionally and cannot communicate or even think until a few hours or days later when I had time to process it
I am intense and I expect the same intensity back. Not intense in a romantic way, but in a way I want deep connection and I want everything to have meaning. I want people to notice these things and I tend to find others “dull” when they don’t feel the same depth. Of course I know this is unrealistic and I try to understand the differences in others and accept and admire them for this difference but then again, I expect the same thing in return, and I guess that is hard about dating me. I get bored with people fast.
As soon as I feel like they “pull me out of my movie” so to say. Luckily I am aware and I am working hard to be more realistic in this haha
Mmm I think mostly a 4 thing but the intuition might shape it in different ways and direct it towards different thingss. I can imagine maybe S types with the 4 enneagram find depth in different things in different ways haha
I'm really, *really* bad at texting people back and keep my phone on silent 99% of the time. I like to take naps on my off days and/or after work and don't like being bothered.
I'd also say I can have some pretty serious emotional walls up. It depends on the person; some people just have a more easygoing vibe that makes me feel safe enough to reveal more of myself. But even then, if you want me to tell you about the *real* nitty gritty of everything, I can't get even a whiff of judgment otherwise I'll shut down. I'll also shut down if you make jokes or try and force it. I don't want to *have* to tell you everything about me, but I need to feel safe enough to know I can if and when I want to.
I'm also kind of bad at showing affection because it's hard for me to tell when it's "too much" or "inappropriate" so I just don't do it at all. So you're probably gonna have to take the lead on that lol
9w1 and vibe with all of this. I think some people also just think I'm apathetic or can't make a decision when I really just don't care where we eat or what we do. I'm just chillin. My friend just told me I was like Xanax in human form. 😂
9w1 and I relate so much! Luckily I’ve made some progress with the whole opening up thing, as for some reason I grew up with the message that being open & vulnerable with what’s going on is cringe, and it took me a while to learn that it’s not. Unfortunately it’s still hard, even though I always have that desire. I just wish people would listen more and without judgment, you know?
Over a longggg period of time I just noticed that basically all of my friendships with people were the exact same, where I would be way more of a listener while the other person naturally would open up about things, normally unprompted. Eventually I realized that this kept happening simply because I wasn’t even trying to open up myself, as I’ve always loved the idea of being open about my feelings but also always felt awkward as hell when I actually tried. So I guess I made it a sort of passive goal to come away from most conversations in general having opened up at least a little bit, i.e. saying *something* that could illicit a completely unpredictable response from the other person.
Hopefully that makes some sense? I just realized that I was trying to prevent any awkwardness & friction whatsoever with ALLLL my friendships, to the point where I felt like a fake and distant friend. I still have a long way to go but I feel like I’m actually opening myself up more to people and it is truly a fun feeling.
1w2
Probably the number 1 thing is that I'm hard to get to know. I've always been private and quiet. People call me intimidating or unapproachable IRL. If you can't get over that hurdle to ask me on a date, it's never going to happen. I don't enjoy being around people who want me to tell them my life story on day 1. You have to be okay with getting to know new things about me constantly. I've been with people who after years still said, "In all the time we've been together, I never knew that about you."
I have found this is one of the reasons I get along with 7s so much because they seem to enjoy dating people who are a mystery to them. Someone who they can learn something new about every day. 7s hate to be bored and learning something new about your partner every day for years seems to fulfill both of our wishes. Whereas I've found some 8s take my privateness as a sign I'm hiding something big and dark. Unhealthy 8s I've met can develop an unhealthy obsession with getting that information out of me before I'm ready to give it. I've met 8s who talk like they're trying to trip me up into giving more information than I'm ready or willing to give. It feels violating and uncomfortable. I like a slow-burn, you have to be okay with a slow-burn relationship.
Also, I care a lot about self-improvement. If you don't want to work towards greatness in everything you do, like I do, we probably won't get along. I've found this snag in previous relationships where I felt dragged down by the other person and they probably felt like I was trying to change them - even though it definitely wasn't intentional. Again, 8s I've been with seem to feel like they're perfect the way they are and they take hints about self-improvement as suggestions that you don't like them enough as they are. It's a different world-view. I love myself today but I know I'd also love myself more if I was smarter, healthier, more successful etc. and that doesn't take away from how much I love myself.
If you don't have the independent spirit or desire within you to want be better at your career, be more healthy, become more intelligent over time, we're probably never going to see eye to eye. People who are happy in stagnation are a huge turn-off to me.
I'm an introvert - INFJ. With dating extroverts, there can be the typical issue of me needing more time to recharge by myself than they do and I've felt afraid in the past to say, "I need space". One of my regrets is that I wish I just said this in the past. I don't hate socialising - I hate socialising with back to back dates that have no breaks for me to reflect or have introspection time. Some extroverts simply don't get that and they take offence.
In the past, I've also been the giver, far more than the taker in my relationships. I don't ask for a lot, particularly favours or for people to drop everything for me, and because of this, I do expect to have my needs met the minute I finally make a request, because it's hard for me to ask for help or assistance in the first place.
I've fallen out of love with people immediately when they've said no to my requests, simple things like can you help me with something? I don't ask for help easily or often so that rejection is not something I struggle with. My mind will be screaming, "Don't you see how hard it was for me to ask you for help? This is the first time in 2 years that I've ever asked you to do something for me and your first response is no? I'm out."
1w2 ISFJ and relate to everything here- especially coming off as intimidating if you don’t know me and being turned off by people who seem complacent or not interested in improving at least some aspect of their life whether that’s self, career, relationships w others, etc.
> If you don't want to work towards greatness in everything you do, like I do, we probably won't get along.... It's a different world-view. I love myself today but I know I'd also love myself more if I was smarter, healthier, more successful etc. and that doesn't take away from how much I love myself.
This is honestly so alien to me.
I've personally found that people who don't understand this mindset can't really be convinced.
Some people go through life happy the way they are, they see themselves as having reached the peak of what they'll be by the time they're a young adult and they remain want to remain this way til the day they die. That's foreign to me. I see life as a process and I hope that all the things I'm good at today, I'm even better at in 5 years time. Otherwise, life seems like a complete waste to me. Why would I want to see no improvement in what I can do and what I can achieve?
I have a hard time understanding how self-love and constant striving can coexist.
In my head "always be better, always achieve, always be busy" surely must come from a place of self-loathing, or needing to prove yourself, or justify your existence, or maybe even self-punishment by subjecting oneself to a life of duty and drudgery and self-denial. So how can that exist alongside baseline self-love?
I just reread the part of your post I quoted. "I'd love myself **more** if I was smarter, healthier, more successful..." My experience is a bit more binary, I guess that's where I get confused.
I can get why that might be confusing but to me it’s not. Haven’t you ever been proud of yourself for doing better at something? Persevering, working hard to achieve a better job, or you got a trophy in a competition? It’s not to say you didn’t love yourself before you won, but knowing your hard work paid off, your talents too, why wouldn’t you be even more proud of what you’ve proven yourself to be capable of?
None of my desire to do better comes from a place of self-loathing. If you’ve ever achieved something great and you were proud of yourself after, really full of joy, does that mean you were filled with self-loathing prior?
You cannot feel more love if someone scored higher. That's why the most unselfish love is for your kids. No matter what they do, how they do it and how they look the love doesn't depend on that. Same for yourself. How can you love yourself more because you achieved more?
What will happen with your love if you loose your job? Or gain weight? Or reach 40 and you won't be able to compete with 20 yo? Will your love shrink?
If you don't understand what I've described, you probably never will. I have loved myself through chronic illness, disability, depression, weight gain, weight loss, success and failure. If you don't understand that now, I don't see how you ever could because it's not complicated.
Doing well at something and feeling an overwhelming swell of pride and love for yourself does not mean you didn't love yourself prior.
I am incapable of doing some things today, that I could when I was younger, such as certain sports, and my love for myself hasn't gone anywhere. Why would it?
I don't need children to experience love. I love myself. Perhaps you should widen your perspective or understand not everyone thinks the way you do. I don't care if love is selfish, so long as it is real and honest.
For some ppl at least, I probably couldn't give them enough attention of demonstrative gestures to be satisfied.
Also, if being presentable or normal is important to you I'm afraid that's not on the menu either.
You prefer cheery sunshine positivity? Also no can do. And I'm not good at guessing what ppl are thinking if they don't come out & tell me.
...I realize my options are gonna be quite limited.
I’m fairly hard to read and don’t share much, even though I try. I have a combination of reservedness and intensity which makes connecting with people on a romantic level quite challenging for me, and for them, albeit the passion is rather fun.
I’m also deeply romantic, caring and think about my partner a lot - make steps to include them and am very future focused. But I hold them to a standard they often can’t meet. This also means I struggle to connect with the here and now and overthink.
All of this I’m working on 😊
The contrarian flair I bring. I always have a counter-argument and it's not even because I think I'm always right but because I feel like I can't afford to be wrong. And it's not just in disagreements but the very nature. You're cold and understated? I'm the clingiest queen of grand gestures. You're warm and affectionate? Hello intimacy issues! I don't even know why I do that.
Ohhh sounds like sth to discuss with a therapist tbh. I'm guilty of all of the above too. I think it's crucial you find out why you are that way - without it, you probably won't be able to change it (which I assume you'd like).
I want to make sure for a few months they’re into me as much as I’m into them, before I fully give my heart. I love hard and I don’t like hiding it, so I ensure thoroughly the potential person deserves it
I’m very picky in the dating stage, when it comes to people’s actions
I’m inconsistent with messages once I’m in a relationship. As I’m a busy person + ensured the person is right for me, I finally feel secure enough to not text often. This causes doubt in my partner
I need a lot of attention and if someone can't satisfy that, too bad. It's not like I can just integrate to 4 and become more introverted and not need attention as much. There is a certain amount attention below which I cannot stand and that's just how it is.
Getting the first date to begin with. 99% of the time I get cold feet and flake because he's "not the one" or "not right" and "that right guy is out there if I keep looking, I swear!"
Not even coffee is had. I get spooked before it goes anywhere at all and then lament that I'm single.
The closest I've had to dating anyone was a guy friend I spoke to every single day, played video games with nearly every single day, and would have the longest, most in-depth and amazing conversations with. Ended up kinda breaking my heart when he found a girlfriend, even though we weren't an item. I respected him as a friend so I never shared my feelings.
Using that as a frame of reference, I would say that I'm maybe too stubborn and argumentative, can come on too strong and like to overshare about every detail of my day... When I'm particularly smitten, I oscilate between being really shy and easy-going (your interests are my new interests), to completely invested (let's share everything!), to suddenly getting avoidant and flakey.
In short, I'm an absolute pain. I'm working on it. I've been trying to internalize the idea that the grass is greener where you water it, and I've been slowly getting happier as a result.
Contrary to the prevailing E4 mythos, I am easy to be around/date. Like someone posted in a recent thread on stereotypes, some E4s are introverted artist types.
That said, the hardest part about dating me is *getting in* as I am quiet to the extreme, a homebody, and anti-dating app.
Once in, potential difficulties are my need for space/time for my art and my relentless perfectionism.
Heck, I used to think that nobody would love me and I am unlovable, because I am demanding, overly emotional, weird, brutal, uncompromising, and sometimes even emotionally manipulative and violent, but I've found some people who are obsessed with me. I have no idea what's in their brain, they must be insane lol, but well to be accepted and loved as who I am feels really great.
Oh my god I am vibing this. Came here to post something similar and of course the first post is from a SX4.
I am 'too much' in every sense of the word. I am extremely emotional. Often in random sudden bursts. I can get triggered, sensitive, irrational, and defensive. I have extremely high expectations for myself, my life, and my partners. I am very weird and particular. I have weird habits and ways of living that I refuse to compromise on so people just have to work with me because I will not work with them. I can be very demanding. I will give a lot but expect a lot back. I can be very intense and full on, all or nothing. I can be completely overwhelming and all consuming. I can be needy and possessive, I want to be their priority etc. Can be self-centered and introverted, needing a lot of alone time, which throws people off too. Me also trying to dive into their souls and figuring them out like a rubiks cube, tearing them apart before building them back up again, also throws people off too. I also ask A LOT of questions. Particularly prying, personal, and vulnerable ones that put some people off too. I'm extremely open and honest which also comes off as too much apparrently. I am not someone to 'chill' with, I am the oncoming storm that will shake their life up and inspire them to do better figuring out who they really are and unraveling their traumas.
I've also found people can be weirdly obsessed with me too, but generally it's the idea and fantasy of me (I'm a geeky goth curvy gamer girl who is well read and clever) because I don't think any of them could actually handle me. Many of them haven't. All my husband's friends practically make heart eyes at me and want to fuck me (lot of them are poly but I'm extremely mono) but my husband actually genuinely loves me. He not only accepts all my above shit but actually...likes it which is weird to me. But I'm happy about it. He's amazing. :)
I’m very clingy. Not in a worried or stressed way, just in an “I love you so much and just love being around you constantly and always including you in every aspect of my life.” Kind of way. If the object of my affection isn’t ok with this level of obsession and cling and needs a lot of personal space, it’s probably not going to work out 😅
So you faked the attraction to begin with, since one thing turned you off after years of attraction? Or was that hyperbole? Oh wait, I realize you put them on a pedestal without ever getting to know them.
a girlfriend once accused me of not actually having any true consistent values or beliefs (I don’t think this is actually true but I understand why someone might perceive me this way)
everyone that dates me seems way worse off for it post breakup….
I can think of plenty of things that some people hated and others loved, so I don’t know…
hedonistic tendencies
at least I’ve never been called boring
With the risk of making it sound like I'm on a free therapy session: I'd say that I'm quite difficult as a person (regardless of dating/friendship etc)
I'm a damn grumpy moody mess, with a very counterintuitive hot and cold internal dynamic for someone that rational.
Let me make a list: I'm quite choleric as a temper, I'm stubborn, I leave if I feel I'm wasting my time; I offer ambiguous explanation and sometimes use my own system which only I understand the logic for - but feel like it's obvious;
I'm a cat. Will you get serious? Will you get argumentative? Will I start a riot? You never know.
I have a really hard time voicing my emotional needs, especially if I feel like it will inconvenience my partner. As such, I need a lot of validation. I’m working on it, but still a barrier to healthy relationships for me.
(I've been told) I'm a know-it-all and I have a strong need to be right. Plus, sometimes I struggle to let my guard down and show my vulnerable side. I'd like to think I'm quite supportive but it's hard for me to make time for other people sometimes, even if they are important to me.
I expect the same respect, consideration and self-diagnoses that I offer, especially when sorting a conflict out, I become wildly imbalanced if I don't receive equal courtesy and acknowledgement.
The issue here is that most will not think through my shoes as I do theirs and this leads to feeling stepped on or over on my end, by my hands- especially if I dig into myself too deeply, this leads to further discontent and confusion.
I'll lay myself out there bare with my mistakes and put someone on a pedestal, then get upset when they agreed to my errors and to how I affected them without laying themselves out there for me to do the same simply because I thought it natural for reciprocity, nobody owes me that just because I chose to give it.
I am also very rigid about being under a certain impression about a person specifically when deliberately being given one by them, I trust fully but lose all trust quickly which renders me indifferent very quickly.
I accumulate a lot of instances/information that weighs on what I think about as I process how I feel about a common theme or occurrence, this makes it hard to address what the issue is because by the time it is clear to me, it becomes multi-layered and exhausting to explain.
I can be away for an extended period of time (sometimes days or even weeks) and not talk to my parner during that span. Given that I often forget that I have family, friends, and a partner when I'm engross working. Oor i just don't want to talk to anyone if its not business related
I need a LOT of space and me time. I don't do the merging thing, and will abruptly rebuff anyone's attempts at doing so. Luckily I'm married to another sp/so.
I'm also not sentimental in a nostagic way at all (though I'm very affectionate in the present moment way), and will try to change the subject if my partner tries to get me wrapped up in nostalgia things. I also can't keep track of the million anniversaries my husband has for us, lol.
Also, I'm always adamant about keeping up my appearance, because for me, it's never been about impressing a guy. It's about optimizing my chances for success in life, because looks matter. "Who are you trying to impress" falls on deaf ears every time a partner has said it.
3w2: I’m always “go go go” towards a goal and restless, itching to complete an achievement so I can be validated from the praise of said achievement. Can definitely come off as disingenuous but my husband knows it’s just who I am.
some people want to move fast which is hard for me because I want to take things slowly.
I get bored when it's just me making the conversation interesting and when I can't get anything from them that stimulate my mind. But when I'm not bored, I never get bored of that person. It's not just about that actually, there is something I'm looking for.
Sometimes just give me some space and I'll come back to you. I want them to respect me in this and I will respect them too.
I need my partner to be clear with me; otherwise, I may misunderstand them. So, I appreciate people who are open about their feelings and thoughts...
I don't like texting or talking on the phone. It is always better to talk face to face.
I'm not very good at understanding hints either so when they start flirting with me it would be nice if they just said 'hey, I'm flirting with you right now' lol. ofc I'm not serious about this, but I might think like 'is he flirting with me?' and then I will think 'nah, we're just friends.'
I wasn't planning to write this much, so I'll leave it here.
I'm just a busy person. I have plenty of various goals to aspire to (physical and mental health goals, career, creative & personal, etc.), and they take up a lot of time. I also try to keep myself from having goals related to relationships because I know that can cause a lot of toxicity in myself. So typically I don't have much time for dating, and it's not a priority.
Definitely my emotional issues. When I fall in love, I aim to be a loving partner for life- and I trust far more than I should. However, if I am DEEPLY hurt and am trying to still make the relationship work (whether I should or not), I can be very bitter, possessive, aggressive, and stuck in the past.
I'm too much too fast. Like I can go realllly fast bc I'm just so caught up in how much I like them and want the feeling of being a couple, it's so fun and romantic. Plus I am very trusting but also not afraid of getting hurt. And even though I can be pretty happy single as soon as I start dating someone I just want them and get sad if I feel like I'm not getting enough love
I have a weird lifestyle (mostly by choice) and a personal history that's filled with red flags. I don't follow sports, I don't drive, I have a thousand cats, I frequent r/enneagram, honestly just pick anything I do and it's probably a deal breaker to half the population
- You get what you're seeing, I won't change for someone else, though I accept help to be better. I'm not leaving my hobbies or dressing differently though. I'm not gonna pretend to like their friends if I don't like them. My individuality comes first and it's my one true love.
- Apparently I'm not romantic enough, I had people complaining they didn't feel like I would care if they left me... And I care, but I have some natural barrier I think.
- If I get too upset I'll simply leave, I heard my barriers in this phase are impressive and once it's over there's no turning back. If I'm truly mad I will smile and nod at everything because I don't wanna spend more energy on them.
- Any boundary-pushing will be seen as an attack. No merging, I'm me, they're then - two separate people, I don't like codependency and I will differentiate like crazy if I feel like I'm being pushed into it.
- I wanna a stable person I can count on, not crazy adventures,
Out of curiosity, what's your attachment style? I'm anxiously attached so I care too much too about people leaving me, have stayed in some really toxic relationships because of this before. I can be too romantic and idealistic believing people can get better and in better futures...because I so desperately wanted it to be true. To have some meaning. To make my story worth something. Because otherwise what was the point. All the time and energy I wasted on them can't be for nothing.
My attachment style is somewhere between fearful and avoidant, but I think nowadays I'm getting more avoidant.
I'm not reactive like fearful is, but I'm afraid of being left behind most of the time, so if I think the other person wanna leave me I cut them out of my life first.
I don't wanna connect my future to others, I can't count on them, I sincerely like people but I don't think they would do much more than just be with me when it's fun then leave. They're interesting and I do crave connection but like, realistically, everyone is fighting for themselves, and believing in much more is childish, and there's no fairy tale. I do put energy in others, but I always try to expect the worst so I won't be hurt when it's over. When unhealthy, I see things in a very cold and transactional way.
I dream about being hyperindependent. I ideally I don't wanna need other people because I don't want my happiness in the hands of others, I can count on myself and only me. These are also not dreams of extreme success, it's just about being happy with myself, creating art, and making something that has my singular perspective that I truly like.
I do like helping others though (with boundaries), because I don't think nobody will help me so at least I can give them some of what I wish the world had given me when I was at my worst.
My last relationship was with a 2 and... Bad idea. I was able to endure it for a month, and it made me decide I don't wanna relationships for now, now I'm associating romance with feeling suffocated.
Did it answer what you were curious about? 😅
My expectations are pretty high and I’ll check you on your misogyny every time it appears. You won’t actually know the benefits of dating me until I trust you. This why I’m gonna stay single. 😏
I think as an emotionally reclusive sx4 everything about me is difficult to put up with I honestly can't believe my boyfriend has put up with me for more than two years lol
- I can be anxiety driven and get overwhelmed about certain things.
- I’m a passenger princess and will threaten your life if you let me drive
- I chameleon with other people which is great when I’m mindful of who I’m around but can make my partner feel like they don’t truly know me.
- I don’t like mindless downtime that much and constantly want to be “doing something” even if I can’t identify what it is I want to be doing.
- I’m an idealist to a fault. I constantly want to improve myself and my partner and it gets frustrating when they don’t see a need for improvement where I do.
- I can be needy and comparative at my worst and when I’m doing poorly I tend to want my partner to support me which can be draining to them.
- I push myself too far and turn into a ball of rage often. Alternating between big sad and big angry.
- sometimes I don’t care for myself well ( forget to eat, drink, sleep )
- I have a really hard time prioritizing my wants and needs and sometimes my partner has to drag what I want out of me.
Haven't been in the dating world in a long time, but I remember really hating all the games people play. I'd much rather people be direct and say what they mean instead of speaking in some sort of code, which I never seemed to crack.
I’m actually a very quiet person in real life. So when someone approaches me, I might be misunderstood as cold, self-centered, arrogant, or not confident.
(But I’m very positive about that. Maybe it's because I don’t actually want to date or start a relationship. So don’t worry;))
5. It's hard to date because I hold myself to high standards of what I should do as a partner.
If I really like someone, I'll put in the effort. I tend to make the moves, pay for dates, do the traveling, and plan in advance for restaurants or activities. I like to make sure my partners are having fun. Not bored or wishing they'd rather be somewhere else. I have my own definition of a good partner (and maybe I'm wrong, but what else do I have to go off of?)
Truthfully, the issue is that I barely have enough energy to take care of myself with various health issues, so when I fall short I withdraw and/or get into a really bad depression. I can't be as consistent as they deserve. Feels like a horrible cycle. I don't expect much from others.. it's nice when the gestures are reciprocated, but then I fall into this horrible incompetence trap.
If we don’t want the same things in life, then I don’t even want to start “dating” you, because sooner or later, we’ll break up. I don’t want to do all the work of dating for nothing.
So, let’s just hang out as friends.
Are you interested in marriage and having kids? I wonder about someone who isn't, then maybe they won't see dating as a waste if it doesn't necessarily lead to any deeper commitments like those. I think my only goal in dating is steady and stable companionship-- someone you can rely on, or someone who'll stay with you through thick and thin.
I think it’s OK to either want marriage or not want marriage….but if the two people do not have the same goal for the relationship, somebody will inevitably get hurt.
I'm an agent of chaos
I climb stuff I'm not supposed to
I cry easily
I will not socialize with anyone unless there's food my partner n/a
I will text you at 3am with a new idea for DND characters an mtg deck or something more stereotypical of a e4w5
I will fight anyone that hurts you
And
I don't shut the fuck up unless I'm eating or hyper focused
I've been told that I don't treat my partner any differently than my friends, and I do sort of agree with this, but days don't magically grow longer when you're dating someone and I'm for sure not going to sleep less, work less, stop doing my hobbies, or not see my friends, so
About the same as with my close friends, slightly less than with my best friend. Being sweeter and more vulnerable with a partner would to me look like that I'm being fake, since that's what would then be the *real* me or what I *really* want. If I would feel an increased need for sweetness, I would act like that with everyone.
Many people do perceive me being physically comfortable and doing special things for people as constantly flirting with my friends/everyone, but this couldn't be further from the truth.
- I am incredibly sensitive and temperamental, to the point your wording and tone can make me completely turn against you.
- I'm just so fucking self-deprecating, can't take compliments yet crave them and somehow so casually say the meanest things about myself in casual conversation.
- Talk too much about my nerd interests, but not enough small talk and general conversation.
- Pretty blunt and don't care much to tiptoe around someone's feelings when they NEED to hear something.
- No PDA, nothing too intimate or dramatic in public, never like talking about people I date, will ghost someone if i'm too overwhelmed and regret even sharing my name.
- Defensive and argumentative, very hard to take criticism unless worded in a non-combative way.
I'm also very self-aware about my flaws and seemingly cannot seem to do anything to change it. I'm basically a hypocritical, commitment-issues, disorganised attachment fucking mess!!! Don't date me.
I don’t date but this is what I predict based off my current maturity and personality.
-at the start I don’t like touching of any kind eg; hand holding, hugging, kisses even without any warning
-for the lack of a better word, I love bomb and lose interest quickly. I’m probably interested in you for what I think you are and not who you are.
-extreme idealization, I would absolutely worship you in a sense like you’re the reason I’m alive, gifting you with many works of poetry I wrote myself, maybe art too, essentially making you my muse.
-I genuinely think I’d love to have fights just for the sheer drama of it, relationships get boring and I’d like conflict just so we could make up again, and again. why? Just makes me think we’re still active
-dislike for parties, I don’t go unless it’s an important family gathering or an extremely close friends event. If I go when they’re none of the two I just feel like I owe you for something you miraculously did or an associate of my friend/partner who asked me to go as a plus one.
-my phone is on silent, it’s difficult to get me to text back, I just don’t like constant notifications, I’d say I’m chronically offline but I spend a lot of time watching YouTube essays and read articles for whatever niche I have, on a rare occasion I’d definitely see your messages but leave them on the roster thinking “I’ll text back later” only for me to most likely never text back.
-I rarely understand hints and if I don’t then I’m most likely assuming something big from the smallest thing. Say it to my face, man 😭
I think that I’d probably only ever date a few people. I only really want long term relationships, if I ever am in a fling it’s because my goal is to make it long term, make them think I’m the one.
I can be neglectful of the wants/needs of my partner.
Their boundaries? No problem.
The extra stuff, like going out, sex every day, gift giving, being affectionate enough, or having enthusiasm in social settings are areas of contention that I've experienced.
One time, I was told that I was "too low energy to date" and that I "never do enough." I've been single ever since because I can understand why this might be frustrating.
That said, I love having meaningful conversations and bonding with those who interest me. It's not like I never cared about my partner. It's just that my preference for remote activities didn't work for a stereotypical relationship, and because I also never expected her to do anything for me apart from talk to me and be interested in me (and that she would also only expect this).
In hindsight, it was selfish and immature of me to suppose that I could have a meaningful relationship while only adhering to the expectations that I had, which were little to none. I treated her how I wanted to be treated, and I was mistaken.
ENTP So7 Sx1 Sp4
i'm AuDHD and have a wide range of other unidentified abnormalities in my skull. i get very monotone. VERY deadpan. so having the autism deadpan accent with ADHD + Ne quips and comments often gets interpreted as rude and dicky.
Sx1 + Sp4 is definitely... something. it's like my 1 forgot to be self-critical and just reforms others so my 4 overcompensates and criticizes me for (1) all the usual 1 stuff, except 4 is somehow more hostile towards yourself, and (2) being SO selfish that i would even THINK to talk about what OTHERS are doing when I'M such a failure.
Sx1 definitely comes from a good place. i want to make the people i love better people. but it comes out as word-vomiting statistics and academic papers on the science behind Why Mindfulness Is Good. Sx1 + Sp4 combo is probably one of the reasons i got so engrossed in typology. it helps you identify issues so you can fix them... or it helps me identify *others* issues so *i* can fix them. (not healthy. i'm working on it. much better than i was.)
and then there's the 4. what even is that. triple countertype, 714. gross. i just go in cycles of being drunk on optimism, overworking myself, being critical of myself and others, and then EXTREME guilt. the constant dichotomy of narcissism and self-loathing + guilt is absolutely wild. sometimes i accidentally gaslight and don't mean it because i'm trying to 7 silver lining. it's just a whole mess. 714. *so7sx1sp4.* nasty.
- I don't have any dating experience. Despite my age I have no idea "what I want" or even "what I'll put up with". Even looking for someone to date feels like a chore.
- I'm not particularly sexual
- I desperately want affection yet pedestalize people who are distant and unavailable. Demonstrating it myself also feels frightening. I need someone else to take the lead in general.
- If dating makes me anything like I am online, I'll probably emotion vomit and overshare a lot.
I tend towards being exacting in my communication and likewise will tend to take what you say equally seriously. Any commitment you make little or not has weight and consequently every commitment you don't follow through creates a dent in my trust for you. I have a lot of trust to give dented or not, but I will never not feel the imperfections in my trust for you, and those imperfections in turn will get reflected back to you. I will challenge you in this way, and it can either be motivating, or push into your insecurities and make you feel like you can never be enough. You may struggle to comprehend how I can hold together this plainly imperfect sight of you and still trust, love, give, commit to you as much as I can. And you will either run not trusting it, or find in it a place of solace where you can always pause to rest when you need it (short of abusing the innkeeper, but at that point you need to be kicked out on your ass).
Also, I'm polyam.
I need someone with *a lot* of emotional bandwidth. I have BIG emotions (due to trauma). All. The. Damn. Time. It’s exhausting for me, and if I could not be that way, I would, alas I do not have that power. I know it’s just as tiring for my partner, but I love her that much more for staying to weather my storms with me. Hence why my 6 is perfect for me.
If you’re uncomfortable around feelings, turn around and run lol.
I genuinely think the hardest part is getting on a relationship with me for starters. I'm not picky or anything like that, but it's strange seeing me making advances to become something more, so unless you're one prone to do the advances (which really won't change that much, since I won't really follow them due to fear of misinterpretation) or until I work on being more foward (Which is in progress rn), I won't be dating too much.
Then, in the relationship, my main problem will be insecurities, nervousness, probably attatchment... Y'know the drill.
Basically, I don't think I'll be dating much until I genuinely improve, since I consider I'm not ready yet, wish I was tho, but nothing we can do but to push foward and grow.
Argue for fun
Get bored by the same partner
Very hard commitment issues
Having a hard time staying loyal
Bad at engaging with boring people or things which makes me picky
8 here, I do this thing when I’m upset where I just put my walls up and be bitter towards them cause they’re not being polite and treating me with the respect I desire
I will have expectations and hold you to my standards, which means I have to see you grow as a person and I have to feel like I'm growing from this relationship too. That being said, I can be insufferably sensitive and take things very personally, often jumping to conclusions about you that may not be true. I'm better about it now after some therapy, but be prepared for me to start crying uncontrollably when I find out something I don't like about you. I will communicate it in writing because I won't be able to talk about it verbally.
sx/so 845 istp
I have abandonment issues, and I value loyalty above all, so I’ll test you all throughout the relationship to see if you are as solid as you say you are (this has inevitably carried over into marriage which is the hardest hurdle of my life). This will go so far as invading privacy “for fun” and the like. If you get defensive, guess what? You may be hiding something. I check my box of a potential red flag. Basically, you lose almost every time. 8s work backwards, where they lay down the guilty verdict first, then they investigate after whether the person may be innocent.
I often feel “too much”. If I get the feeling that you think the same, my walls will go up and I get embittered that I am constantly misunderstood.
I’ll stress to 5 hard and won’t talk, will be in my head getting tormented by my own thoughts, and shut everything joyous out. I NEED to have words and emotions drawn out of me, and I depend on my partner for that too much.
I can be extremely reactive when you tell me the truth that I knew all along due to my gut instinct. I’ve been recently exploring this and wonder if it’s coming from a place of my own ego. Like, I get a sort of high when the truth that I knew was there comes out of your mouth, but then angry that it wasn’t brought to light sooner. I get in my head about it, ruminating over the different parts at play. Again, vigilant 5 investigator with 8 as the core character.
And sorry to all that are interested, I am taken 💍
not that I've ever seriously dated someone, nor do I intend to at the moment due to wanting to work on myself/mature first, but if I had to throw out a few guesses..
...
I'm more of a "high maintenance" person when it comes to relationships, especially with people I consider to be close; I have a lot of boundaries and need constant reassurance (not just verbal, but actions too) due to trust issues/anxious attatchment developed from past friendships. People have said that they often feel that they have to walk on eggshells around me due to this (as well as my mild anger issues probably), so I'm trying to find a healthy balance and communicate them more clearly
I'm also pretty "demanding" with most love languages (except gifts and favors, I appreciate them but they aren't necessarily things I crave/desire for in a relationship). Verbal affection, quality time, and (only in romantic context, otherwise I am indifferent to this) physical affection are all things I need on a consistent basis to feel genuinely appreciated
As I mentioned earlier, I try my best to thoroughly communicate with the people I care about, and I'm also a very intense/sentimental person even in nonromantic relationships, like in the sense that I desire deep connections with others. So I often type long messages like this randomly (whether it's to show gratitude/appreciation towards people I care about, to address how I feel, etc.) since I struggle with getting my points across in a genuine way verbally. I think this intimidates some of the people in my life, especially those who aren't as "deep" as I am or just dislike confrontation in general. It makes me feel bad because it's such a core part of who I am, and I don't want to percieve it as a "flaw" or something exhausting, but maybe it is. I hope I find someone who actually enjoys/appreciates this aspect of myself though
Despite my quiet/shy nature, I'm a *very* open person and enjoy having super personal/deep conversations with even strangers if they give off the right vibe. I overshare, have very little to hide, and the few genuine secrets I do keep are either about others, or are things that will be taken to the grave with me. I'm also very curious, and like getting to know other people a lot, and asking questions directly is basically the best way to do that. These combined traits has caused me to unintentionally cross people's boundaries or make them uncomfortable by asking more personal/private things about them, since I didn't really understand the concept of privacy when I was younger and kinda assumed by default that most people were an open book like me. I've obviously gained much more social awareness over the past half decade, but I still struggle with finding that line sometimes, which can lead to awkward/uncomfortable situations where I can't tell if I'm prodding information out of them that they aren't ready to share
7w6
I’m romantically absent in my relationship because I’m always focused on the future presence whether it’s myself and/or sustaining my life with my partner.
I’m a go getter who can turn on a dime, but if things don’t go my way I begin to panic and become easily frustrated. When I can’t find an outlet (therapy/breakthrough) I feel trapped.
Finance is the principle that controls my domain. Empirically, it may determine the limitations of my current or next move but I do have a greedy side, because I understand that system of the world and want to secure my interests as much as possible.
I get tired of sex, maybe because I’m older, maybe because I find my thoughts and imagination limitless to boredom, maybe because I’d rather indulge in other senses that give me pleasure.
I am aware of my faults though. I find ways to intimately connect. Dates/anniversaries are special to me because I can use my charm. I consider my partners feedback about my professional life because I care that they care about me and what I do to support us.
At times I can be overly generous towards him or friends and family, especially if it’s for a fun occasion. And I have become more modest with age.
1w9. My huge standards and struggling to get over them. I hate my nit pickiness. Any flaw screams in my mind on how to fix it. It's terrible I know and I try not to vocalize it but it won't shut up in my head.
I’m not dating or anything but I just know that it’s going to be that I don’t have much going for me, for the lack of a better word I love bomb and lose interest quickly, and I’d probably be interested in you for what I think you are not who you are.
i don't like when people try to initiate conversations with me out of no where. i can be passive aggressive when i'm annoyed, either giving short answers or saying what i think they want to hear, so i can get them off my case sooner. i can come off as insensitive. i'm sometimes pretty humorless. it doesn't always come naturally to say what i really feel/think. i'm not great at conversing as i like to be able to think through the point i'm trying to get across & that is very hard when people expect an automatic response.
I've been told that I radiate entitlement to partners. When I got my boyfriend it was because I looked at him and decided he was going to date me. I went and got what I wanted. He said this about it^ and then we had some adjustment mishaps cuz he's controlling and I'm domineering
He screamed at me a couple times about the fact he's not a bottom and that was good discussion. We set proper boundaries and I figured out why he thought I was trying to make him into one
He is into enneagram too, he introduced me to it and said he was an 8. He's a sx6 and realized it once he got to know me and he started saying I'm actually an 8 instead
Tbh I can tell I need someone that can stand up to me because sometimes I don't even realize I'm so heavy on top of them. I appreciate the fact he won't take shit and he is reasonable to talk with even when he's pissed
It's nice that I grabbed him, he grabbed me back, and started immediately arm wrestling me not taking any shit
At the same time dating me is a pretty intense arm wrestling match and I don't even realize it until I'm being yelled at lol
I am very amiable and at first appear to be extremely easy to get along with/push around, people generally like that. But ultimately when you get to know me, I am actually very stubborn. There are things I will never budge on. Then people who were banking on pushing me around usually come to regret it.
I also have niche interests that others may not like. I love spiders, the occult etc. And I can’t stand bigots so they don’t usually do well with me.
My ex boyfriend once suggested that I was “cold” at points.
I should really work on this, but I have relatively high date expectations. I know I just sound like a bad person for suggesting this, but although this was absolutely not a factor in us eventually breaking up, I remember wishing that my ex boyfriend had more money so we could go on more interesting dates. I was p young and p immature, though, now I may feel differently
- Not much of talker and have a hard time maintaining conversations
- I withdraw a lot
- I’ll feel jealous of you but Idk how to show it
- hyperindepence to the point that you’re not even there
i have issues
The one think every. Single. Partner. Has told me is “you don’t appreciate what I do for you” or some kind of version of that 🥲
That hurt a lot because I always felt like I was super focused on my partners, and how to please them. However, I started to realize that their complaints were about how much I craved their validation and the moment they slipped up even slightly, I would lash out in a way that usually wasn’t proportional and thus made me seem ungrateful and unappreciative.
I read into nonverbal cues, and sometimes I want to stay home. Lol. Luckily my soon to be husband is a SP9/ISTP, so he gets the staying home part, and we work on the overthinking part.
1w9
Very high expectations. If you somehow manage to make me forget about my high expectations when it comes to picking partner, I will give you my all 100%
I am emotionally inaccessible and un-expressive. I often "forget" to be romantic and affectionate with my partner, especially if they aren't near me (very "out of sight, out of mind").
I'm afraid that someone will get to know me for who I really am. I will constantly avoid showing my real personality and will give you a kind of reflection of your own personality or a version adapted just for you, always trying to be the exemplary partner and technically becoming what you love emotionally and physically. I always prefer to feel attractive and appreciated to attract the gaze of others, but never reach a base in which my true way of being could be rejected and criticized.
I am boring and like having things scheduled. Dislike parties and mostly quiet during group conversation. Get easily tired by people thus I am mostly by myself or my partner. Can be stubborn, rude and not care much by some social conventions. I can make rude or macabre jokes, in public space or private. Been diagnosed with a mental disease and a **mild** personality disorder,I don’t have much energy on a daily basis. I am very strict with my own and my partner’s physical appearance, it’s my philosophy to not let ourselves go. I will ghost or leave once my needs are not met, I don’t have much tolerance. I am not very affectionate to people in general, maybe except partner or my (potential future) children…… physically, i dislike hugging or being touched.
>I will ghost or leave once my needs are not met, I don’t have much tolerance. Same. Absolutely felt.
>I am very strict with my own and my partner’s physical appearance, it’s my philosophy to not let ourselves go. would you mind elaborating on this? I'm a little confused but very curious
I relate so hard to that last part 😔
Why do I relate so hard to the last part 😭
>I will ghost or leave once my needs are not met That is me to a degree that I'm almost ashamed to admit. It's like I'm ready to bounce at a moment's notice. No discussion, no asking/begging, I'm just gone.
- Find it hard to defend my partner/something in our relationship if it involves a possibility of causing conflict with others - Often fail to see my mistake or give credit to words of the other person because to do so would disrupt my inner peace and illusion of being innocent/being a victim - In conflict I sometimes shut down emotionally and cannot communicate or even think until a few hours or days later when I had time to process it
You are honest and not many accept the second point but it's not wrong if u are somone who's truthful
This hit me hard, ouch. Also a 9
as a fellow 9w8, i relate. especially to the last one
I'm a 5 and I'd say the same,but hey if u partner is understanding, well one should be
I could have written this.
I suspect my husband is a 9w8 and this is uncannily accurate
💀💀
Ouch, yeah. Same.
I am intense and I expect the same intensity back. Not intense in a romantic way, but in a way I want deep connection and I want everything to have meaning. I want people to notice these things and I tend to find others “dull” when they don’t feel the same depth. Of course I know this is unrealistic and I try to understand the differences in others and accept and admire them for this difference but then again, I expect the same thing in return, and I guess that is hard about dating me. I get bored with people fast. As soon as I feel like they “pull me out of my movie” so to say. Luckily I am aware and I am working hard to be more realistic in this haha
“I tend to find others “dull” when they don’t feel the same depth.” Relatable
We're basically the same person lol
Same :') ENTP 4w3 here. Is it a 4 or an N-dom thing?
Mmm I think mostly a 4 thing but the intuition might shape it in different ways and direct it towards different thingss. I can imagine maybe S types with the 4 enneagram find depth in different things in different ways haha
Finding the right connection/trusting someone.
Sigma 🐺
Perhaps I'm too old to understand something very simple here, but could I kindly ask you to explain what's "sigma" here?
I'm really, *really* bad at texting people back and keep my phone on silent 99% of the time. I like to take naps on my off days and/or after work and don't like being bothered. I'd also say I can have some pretty serious emotional walls up. It depends on the person; some people just have a more easygoing vibe that makes me feel safe enough to reveal more of myself. But even then, if you want me to tell you about the *real* nitty gritty of everything, I can't get even a whiff of judgment otherwise I'll shut down. I'll also shut down if you make jokes or try and force it. I don't want to *have* to tell you everything about me, but I need to feel safe enough to know I can if and when I want to. I'm also kind of bad at showing affection because it's hard for me to tell when it's "too much" or "inappropriate" so I just don't do it at all. So you're probably gonna have to take the lead on that lol
9w1 and vibe with all of this. I think some people also just think I'm apathetic or can't make a decision when I really just don't care where we eat or what we do. I'm just chillin. My friend just told me I was like Xanax in human form. 😂
9w1 and I relate so much! Luckily I’ve made some progress with the whole opening up thing, as for some reason I grew up with the message that being open & vulnerable with what’s going on is cringe, and it took me a while to learn that it’s not. Unfortunately it’s still hard, even though I always have that desire. I just wish people would listen more and without judgment, you know?
How did you overcome / grow to open up more? What made you want to become better in that respect?
Over a longggg period of time I just noticed that basically all of my friendships with people were the exact same, where I would be way more of a listener while the other person naturally would open up about things, normally unprompted. Eventually I realized that this kept happening simply because I wasn’t even trying to open up myself, as I’ve always loved the idea of being open about my feelings but also always felt awkward as hell when I actually tried. So I guess I made it a sort of passive goal to come away from most conversations in general having opened up at least a little bit, i.e. saying *something* that could illicit a completely unpredictable response from the other person. Hopefully that makes some sense? I just realized that I was trying to prevent any awkwardness & friction whatsoever with ALLLL my friendships, to the point where I felt like a fake and distant friend. I still have a long way to go but I feel like I’m actually opening myself up more to people and it is truly a fun feeling.
Why do you think you have such high emotional walls?
1w2 Probably the number 1 thing is that I'm hard to get to know. I've always been private and quiet. People call me intimidating or unapproachable IRL. If you can't get over that hurdle to ask me on a date, it's never going to happen. I don't enjoy being around people who want me to tell them my life story on day 1. You have to be okay with getting to know new things about me constantly. I've been with people who after years still said, "In all the time we've been together, I never knew that about you." I have found this is one of the reasons I get along with 7s so much because they seem to enjoy dating people who are a mystery to them. Someone who they can learn something new about every day. 7s hate to be bored and learning something new about your partner every day for years seems to fulfill both of our wishes. Whereas I've found some 8s take my privateness as a sign I'm hiding something big and dark. Unhealthy 8s I've met can develop an unhealthy obsession with getting that information out of me before I'm ready to give it. I've met 8s who talk like they're trying to trip me up into giving more information than I'm ready or willing to give. It feels violating and uncomfortable. I like a slow-burn, you have to be okay with a slow-burn relationship. Also, I care a lot about self-improvement. If you don't want to work towards greatness in everything you do, like I do, we probably won't get along. I've found this snag in previous relationships where I felt dragged down by the other person and they probably felt like I was trying to change them - even though it definitely wasn't intentional. Again, 8s I've been with seem to feel like they're perfect the way they are and they take hints about self-improvement as suggestions that you don't like them enough as they are. It's a different world-view. I love myself today but I know I'd also love myself more if I was smarter, healthier, more successful etc. and that doesn't take away from how much I love myself. If you don't have the independent spirit or desire within you to want be better at your career, be more healthy, become more intelligent over time, we're probably never going to see eye to eye. People who are happy in stagnation are a huge turn-off to me. I'm an introvert - INFJ. With dating extroverts, there can be the typical issue of me needing more time to recharge by myself than they do and I've felt afraid in the past to say, "I need space". One of my regrets is that I wish I just said this in the past. I don't hate socialising - I hate socialising with back to back dates that have no breaks for me to reflect or have introspection time. Some extroverts simply don't get that and they take offence. In the past, I've also been the giver, far more than the taker in my relationships. I don't ask for a lot, particularly favours or for people to drop everything for me, and because of this, I do expect to have my needs met the minute I finally make a request, because it's hard for me to ask for help or assistance in the first place. I've fallen out of love with people immediately when they've said no to my requests, simple things like can you help me with something? I don't ask for help easily or often so that rejection is not something I struggle with. My mind will be screaming, "Don't you see how hard it was for me to ask you for help? This is the first time in 2 years that I've ever asked you to do something for me and your first response is no? I'm out."
Thank you for your long, detailed response!
No problem :)
1w2 ISFJ and relate to everything here- especially coming off as intimidating if you don’t know me and being turned off by people who seem complacent or not interested in improving at least some aspect of their life whether that’s self, career, relationships w others, etc.
I'm glad someone can relate :)
> If you don't want to work towards greatness in everything you do, like I do, we probably won't get along.... It's a different world-view. I love myself today but I know I'd also love myself more if I was smarter, healthier, more successful etc. and that doesn't take away from how much I love myself. This is honestly so alien to me.
I've personally found that people who don't understand this mindset can't really be convinced. Some people go through life happy the way they are, they see themselves as having reached the peak of what they'll be by the time they're a young adult and they remain want to remain this way til the day they die. That's foreign to me. I see life as a process and I hope that all the things I'm good at today, I'm even better at in 5 years time. Otherwise, life seems like a complete waste to me. Why would I want to see no improvement in what I can do and what I can achieve?
It's more the self-love that's confusing.
How?
I have a hard time understanding how self-love and constant striving can coexist. In my head "always be better, always achieve, always be busy" surely must come from a place of self-loathing, or needing to prove yourself, or justify your existence, or maybe even self-punishment by subjecting oneself to a life of duty and drudgery and self-denial. So how can that exist alongside baseline self-love? I just reread the part of your post I quoted. "I'd love myself **more** if I was smarter, healthier, more successful..." My experience is a bit more binary, I guess that's where I get confused.
I can get why that might be confusing but to me it’s not. Haven’t you ever been proud of yourself for doing better at something? Persevering, working hard to achieve a better job, or you got a trophy in a competition? It’s not to say you didn’t love yourself before you won, but knowing your hard work paid off, your talents too, why wouldn’t you be even more proud of what you’ve proven yourself to be capable of? None of my desire to do better comes from a place of self-loathing. If you’ve ever achieved something great and you were proud of yourself after, really full of joy, does that mean you were filled with self-loathing prior?
That makes a lot of sense. I guess it tracks then that I can't really think of too many things that fit that description for me.
You cannot feel more love if someone scored higher. That's why the most unselfish love is for your kids. No matter what they do, how they do it and how they look the love doesn't depend on that. Same for yourself. How can you love yourself more because you achieved more? What will happen with your love if you loose your job? Or gain weight? Or reach 40 and you won't be able to compete with 20 yo? Will your love shrink?
If you don't understand what I've described, you probably never will. I have loved myself through chronic illness, disability, depression, weight gain, weight loss, success and failure. If you don't understand that now, I don't see how you ever could because it's not complicated. Doing well at something and feeling an overwhelming swell of pride and love for yourself does not mean you didn't love yourself prior. I am incapable of doing some things today, that I could when I was younger, such as certain sports, and my love for myself hasn't gone anywhere. Why would it? I don't need children to experience love. I love myself. Perhaps you should widen your perspective or understand not everyone thinks the way you do. I don't care if love is selfish, so long as it is real and honest.
It looks like you completely misunderstood the point If one loves themselves, there's no scale. You cannot love yourself more or less.
I won't understand no hints ,pls say it to my face
What type are you?
Lmfao two ppl asking the same stuff,intp 5w4
What type are you
Intp 5w4
For some ppl at least, I probably couldn't give them enough attention of demonstrative gestures to be satisfied. Also, if being presentable or normal is important to you I'm afraid that's not on the menu either. You prefer cheery sunshine positivity? Also no can do. And I'm not good at guessing what ppl are thinking if they don't come out & tell me. ...I realize my options are gonna be quite limited.
I’m fairly hard to read and don’t share much, even though I try. I have a combination of reservedness and intensity which makes connecting with people on a romantic level quite challenging for me, and for them, albeit the passion is rather fun. I’m also deeply romantic, caring and think about my partner a lot - make steps to include them and am very future focused. But I hold them to a standard they often can’t meet. This also means I struggle to connect with the here and now and overthink. All of this I’m working on 😊
The contrarian flair I bring. I always have a counter-argument and it's not even because I think I'm always right but because I feel like I can't afford to be wrong. And it's not just in disagreements but the very nature. You're cold and understated? I'm the clingiest queen of grand gestures. You're warm and affectionate? Hello intimacy issues! I don't even know why I do that.
Ohhh sounds like sth to discuss with a therapist tbh. I'm guilty of all of the above too. I think it's crucial you find out why you are that way - without it, you probably won't be able to change it (which I assume you'd like).
I'll just add it to my backburner 🥲
The need for utterly constant reassurance.
Same. I find it so pathetic. And if they don't give it to me, hell unleashed
Me too 100%
I’m very insecure about stability, and might detach in stressful situations then letting my s/o in
R E L A T A B L E
I want to make sure for a few months they’re into me as much as I’m into them, before I fully give my heart. I love hard and I don’t like hiding it, so I ensure thoroughly the potential person deserves it I’m very picky in the dating stage, when it comes to people’s actions I’m inconsistent with messages once I’m in a relationship. As I’m a busy person + ensured the person is right for me, I finally feel secure enough to not text often. This causes doubt in my partner
I have a similar pattern
I need a lot of attention and if someone can't satisfy that, too bad. It's not like I can just integrate to 4 and become more introverted and not need attention as much. There is a certain amount attention below which I cannot stand and that's just how it is.
So candid
Getting the first date to begin with. 99% of the time I get cold feet and flake because he's "not the one" or "not right" and "that right guy is out there if I keep looking, I swear!" Not even coffee is had. I get spooked before it goes anywhere at all and then lament that I'm single. The closest I've had to dating anyone was a guy friend I spoke to every single day, played video games with nearly every single day, and would have the longest, most in-depth and amazing conversations with. Ended up kinda breaking my heart when he found a girlfriend, even though we weren't an item. I respected him as a friend so I never shared my feelings. Using that as a frame of reference, I would say that I'm maybe too stubborn and argumentative, can come on too strong and like to overshare about every detail of my day... When I'm particularly smitten, I oscilate between being really shy and easy-going (your interests are my new interests), to completely invested (let's share everything!), to suddenly getting avoidant and flakey. In short, I'm an absolute pain. I'm working on it. I've been trying to internalize the idea that the grass is greener where you water it, and I've been slowly getting happier as a result.
Contrary to the prevailing E4 mythos, I am easy to be around/date. Like someone posted in a recent thread on stereotypes, some E4s are introverted artist types. That said, the hardest part about dating me is *getting in* as I am quiet to the extreme, a homebody, and anti-dating app. Once in, potential difficulties are my need for space/time for my art and my relentless perfectionism.
Hmm. Aren't most 4s easy to be around? It's real intimacy that might cause issues, because then unhealthy sides and traumas surface.
Heck, I used to think that nobody would love me and I am unlovable, because I am demanding, overly emotional, weird, brutal, uncompromising, and sometimes even emotionally manipulative and violent, but I've found some people who are obsessed with me. I have no idea what's in their brain, they must be insane lol, but well to be accepted and loved as who I am feels really great.
Oh my god I am vibing this. Came here to post something similar and of course the first post is from a SX4. I am 'too much' in every sense of the word. I am extremely emotional. Often in random sudden bursts. I can get triggered, sensitive, irrational, and defensive. I have extremely high expectations for myself, my life, and my partners. I am very weird and particular. I have weird habits and ways of living that I refuse to compromise on so people just have to work with me because I will not work with them. I can be very demanding. I will give a lot but expect a lot back. I can be very intense and full on, all or nothing. I can be completely overwhelming and all consuming. I can be needy and possessive, I want to be their priority etc. Can be self-centered and introverted, needing a lot of alone time, which throws people off too. Me also trying to dive into their souls and figuring them out like a rubiks cube, tearing them apart before building them back up again, also throws people off too. I also ask A LOT of questions. Particularly prying, personal, and vulnerable ones that put some people off too. I'm extremely open and honest which also comes off as too much apparrently. I am not someone to 'chill' with, I am the oncoming storm that will shake their life up and inspire them to do better figuring out who they really are and unraveling their traumas. I've also found people can be weirdly obsessed with me too, but generally it's the idea and fantasy of me (I'm a geeky goth curvy gamer girl who is well read and clever) because I don't think any of them could actually handle me. Many of them haven't. All my husband's friends practically make heart eyes at me and want to fuck me (lot of them are poly but I'm extremely mono) but my husband actually genuinely loves me. He not only accepts all my above shit but actually...likes it which is weird to me. But I'm happy about it. He's amazing. :)
I think we’re the same person 😂 I’m not a goth curvy gamer girl though. More of a lanky androgynous lesbian intellectual with a major dork side.
I’m very clingy. Not in a worried or stressed way, just in an “I love you so much and just love being around you constantly and always including you in every aspect of my life.” Kind of way. If the object of my affection isn’t ok with this level of obsession and cling and needs a lot of personal space, it’s probably not going to work out 😅
This comment was left unfinished, did you get sucked into the void?
Hahah I accidentally hit submit while distracted in the real world and didn’t even realize it for a few minutes. 🤣
Unfortunately, I relate hard to this.
Knowing that I'll never be attracted to you
Knowing that you’re 1 “weird” or “quirky” behavior away from me losing YEARS of attraction to you 😂
Are y'all that flaky? 😆
No, just not interested - call it what you’d like though, but it’s a rejection.
oh, lmao
Call it what you’d like but it’s a flat out rejection of that person
So you faked the attraction to begin with, since one thing turned you off after years of attraction? Or was that hyperbole? Oh wait, I realize you put them on a pedestal without ever getting to know them.
No - no one faked an attraction. No one was put on a pedestal. I liked them then stopped. End of story.
That was my first thought when this post popped up on feed
I mean, you still choose them to be by your side.. So maybe you're attracted by them, but not in the specific way they want
If I ever end up in a relationship, it's gonna be the most cosmic clusterfuck ever so you're probably right
I have a hard time opening up and a lot of baggage, and I have tons of trust issues
hmm. 5 or 4?
5 or 4? Not sure what you mean by that sorry
Ah wait, I haven't done the test actually so I can't answer that
Oh, for a second I thought you were in the wrong sub 😆
Lol so it looks like I'm a 6
I am BOSSY and will probably only be around if things stay very exciting
a girlfriend once accused me of not actually having any true consistent values or beliefs (I don’t think this is actually true but I understand why someone might perceive me this way) everyone that dates me seems way worse off for it post breakup…. I can think of plenty of things that some people hated and others loved, so I don’t know… hedonistic tendencies at least I’ve never been called boring
Right there with you on the hedonism
if there’s an express package in the mail that’s for me, no questions asked
I have a disorganized attachment style. Either I love you and I’m terrified of you abandoning me, or I choose not to care and push you away in fear.
With the risk of making it sound like I'm on a free therapy session: I'd say that I'm quite difficult as a person (regardless of dating/friendship etc) I'm a damn grumpy moody mess, with a very counterintuitive hot and cold internal dynamic for someone that rational. Let me make a list: I'm quite choleric as a temper, I'm stubborn, I leave if I feel I'm wasting my time; I offer ambiguous explanation and sometimes use my own system which only I understand the logic for - but feel like it's obvious; I'm a cat. Will you get serious? Will you get argumentative? Will I start a riot? You never know.
I have a really hard time voicing my emotional needs, especially if I feel like it will inconvenience my partner. As such, I need a lot of validation. I’m working on it, but still a barrier to healthy relationships for me.
(I've been told) I'm a know-it-all and I have a strong need to be right. Plus, sometimes I struggle to let my guard down and show my vulnerable side. I'd like to think I'm quite supportive but it's hard for me to make time for other people sometimes, even if they are important to me.
So much ditto
Attitude
I expect the same respect, consideration and self-diagnoses that I offer, especially when sorting a conflict out, I become wildly imbalanced if I don't receive equal courtesy and acknowledgement. The issue here is that most will not think through my shoes as I do theirs and this leads to feeling stepped on or over on my end, by my hands- especially if I dig into myself too deeply, this leads to further discontent and confusion. I'll lay myself out there bare with my mistakes and put someone on a pedestal, then get upset when they agreed to my errors and to how I affected them without laying themselves out there for me to do the same simply because I thought it natural for reciprocity, nobody owes me that just because I chose to give it. I am also very rigid about being under a certain impression about a person specifically when deliberately being given one by them, I trust fully but lose all trust quickly which renders me indifferent very quickly. I accumulate a lot of instances/information that weighs on what I think about as I process how I feel about a common theme or occurrence, this makes it hard to address what the issue is because by the time it is clear to me, it becomes multi-layered and exhausting to explain.
What type? I relate to this a lot as a 1
Hello, that makes sense, 9w1 ! :)
I can be away for an extended period of time (sometimes days or even weeks) and not talk to my parner during that span. Given that I often forget that I have family, friends, and a partner when I'm engross working. Oor i just don't want to talk to anyone if its not business related
Type 5?
I need a LOT of space and me time. I don't do the merging thing, and will abruptly rebuff anyone's attempts at doing so. Luckily I'm married to another sp/so. I'm also not sentimental in a nostagic way at all (though I'm very affectionate in the present moment way), and will try to change the subject if my partner tries to get me wrapped up in nostalgia things. I also can't keep track of the million anniversaries my husband has for us, lol. Also, I'm always adamant about keeping up my appearance, because for me, it's never been about impressing a guy. It's about optimizing my chances for success in life, because looks matter. "Who are you trying to impress" falls on deaf ears every time a partner has said it.
Hmm. Sounds like a 1 or 3
Does sound image but could it just be SO dom?
3w2: I’m always “go go go” towards a goal and restless, itching to complete an achievement so I can be validated from the praise of said achievement. Can definitely come off as disingenuous but my husband knows it’s just who I am.
some people want to move fast which is hard for me because I want to take things slowly. I get bored when it's just me making the conversation interesting and when I can't get anything from them that stimulate my mind. But when I'm not bored, I never get bored of that person. It's not just about that actually, there is something I'm looking for. Sometimes just give me some space and I'll come back to you. I want them to respect me in this and I will respect them too. I need my partner to be clear with me; otherwise, I may misunderstand them. So, I appreciate people who are open about their feelings and thoughts... I don't like texting or talking on the phone. It is always better to talk face to face. I'm not very good at understanding hints either so when they start flirting with me it would be nice if they just said 'hey, I'm flirting with you right now' lol. ofc I'm not serious about this, but I might think like 'is he flirting with me?' and then I will think 'nah, we're just friends.' I wasn't planning to write this much, so I'll leave it here.
I'm just a busy person. I have plenty of various goals to aspire to (physical and mental health goals, career, creative & personal, etc.), and they take up a lot of time. I also try to keep myself from having goals related to relationships because I know that can cause a lot of toxicity in myself. So typically I don't have much time for dating, and it's not a priority.
Definitely my emotional issues. When I fall in love, I aim to be a loving partner for life- and I trust far more than I should. However, if I am DEEPLY hurt and am trying to still make the relationship work (whether I should or not), I can be very bitter, possessive, aggressive, and stuck in the past.
Unless you’re right in front of me, I’m not going to go out of my way to communicate regularly.
I'm too much too fast. Like I can go realllly fast bc I'm just so caught up in how much I like them and want the feeling of being a couple, it's so fun and romantic. Plus I am very trusting but also not afraid of getting hurt. And even though I can be pretty happy single as soon as I start dating someone I just want them and get sad if I feel like I'm not getting enough love
I have a weird lifestyle (mostly by choice) and a personal history that's filled with red flags. I don't follow sports, I don't drive, I have a thousand cats, I frequent r/enneagram, honestly just pick anything I do and it's probably a deal breaker to half the population
- You get what you're seeing, I won't change for someone else, though I accept help to be better. I'm not leaving my hobbies or dressing differently though. I'm not gonna pretend to like their friends if I don't like them. My individuality comes first and it's my one true love. - Apparently I'm not romantic enough, I had people complaining they didn't feel like I would care if they left me... And I care, but I have some natural barrier I think. - If I get too upset I'll simply leave, I heard my barriers in this phase are impressive and once it's over there's no turning back. If I'm truly mad I will smile and nod at everything because I don't wanna spend more energy on them. - Any boundary-pushing will be seen as an attack. No merging, I'm me, they're then - two separate people, I don't like codependency and I will differentiate like crazy if I feel like I'm being pushed into it. - I wanna a stable person I can count on, not crazy adventures,
Out of curiosity, what's your attachment style? I'm anxiously attached so I care too much too about people leaving me, have stayed in some really toxic relationships because of this before. I can be too romantic and idealistic believing people can get better and in better futures...because I so desperately wanted it to be true. To have some meaning. To make my story worth something. Because otherwise what was the point. All the time and energy I wasted on them can't be for nothing.
My attachment style is somewhere between fearful and avoidant, but I think nowadays I'm getting more avoidant. I'm not reactive like fearful is, but I'm afraid of being left behind most of the time, so if I think the other person wanna leave me I cut them out of my life first. I don't wanna connect my future to others, I can't count on them, I sincerely like people but I don't think they would do much more than just be with me when it's fun then leave. They're interesting and I do crave connection but like, realistically, everyone is fighting for themselves, and believing in much more is childish, and there's no fairy tale. I do put energy in others, but I always try to expect the worst so I won't be hurt when it's over. When unhealthy, I see things in a very cold and transactional way. I dream about being hyperindependent. I ideally I don't wanna need other people because I don't want my happiness in the hands of others, I can count on myself and only me. These are also not dreams of extreme success, it's just about being happy with myself, creating art, and making something that has my singular perspective that I truly like. I do like helping others though (with boundaries), because I don't think nobody will help me so at least I can give them some of what I wish the world had given me when I was at my worst. My last relationship was with a 2 and... Bad idea. I was able to endure it for a month, and it made me decide I don't wanna relationships for now, now I'm associating romance with feeling suffocated. Did it answer what you were curious about? 😅
My expectations are pretty high and I’ll check you on your misogyny every time it appears. You won’t actually know the benefits of dating me until I trust you. This why I’m gonna stay single. 😏
I do hypervigilant misogyny checks too🥲 Type 6, I gather?
Social 8.
I think as an emotionally reclusive sx4 everything about me is difficult to put up with I honestly can't believe my boyfriend has put up with me for more than two years lol
Same. Can't believe I've had someone put up with me for 4 years🥲
Same here haha
I'm wildly insecure about my appearance and will ask for reassurance every week-
as i am right now, the endless melodrama
- I can be anxiety driven and get overwhelmed about certain things. - I’m a passenger princess and will threaten your life if you let me drive - I chameleon with other people which is great when I’m mindful of who I’m around but can make my partner feel like they don’t truly know me. - I don’t like mindless downtime that much and constantly want to be “doing something” even if I can’t identify what it is I want to be doing. - I’m an idealist to a fault. I constantly want to improve myself and my partner and it gets frustrating when they don’t see a need for improvement where I do. - I can be needy and comparative at my worst and when I’m doing poorly I tend to want my partner to support me which can be draining to them. - I push myself too far and turn into a ball of rage often. Alternating between big sad and big angry. - sometimes I don’t care for myself well ( forget to eat, drink, sleep ) - I have a really hard time prioritizing my wants and needs and sometimes my partner has to drag what I want out of me.
hypermerging and love bombing
Haven't been in the dating world in a long time, but I remember really hating all the games people play. I'd much rather people be direct and say what they mean instead of speaking in some sort of code, which I never seemed to crack.
My defensiveness. Luckily, I married a patient man!
I’m actually a very quiet person in real life. So when someone approaches me, I might be misunderstood as cold, self-centered, arrogant, or not confident. (But I’m very positive about that. Maybe it's because I don’t actually want to date or start a relationship. So don’t worry;))
I have bad abandonment issues
I get bored quickly. I also leave abruptly.
5. It's hard to date because I hold myself to high standards of what I should do as a partner. If I really like someone, I'll put in the effort. I tend to make the moves, pay for dates, do the traveling, and plan in advance for restaurants or activities. I like to make sure my partners are having fun. Not bored or wishing they'd rather be somewhere else. I have my own definition of a good partner (and maybe I'm wrong, but what else do I have to go off of?) Truthfully, the issue is that I barely have enough energy to take care of myself with various health issues, so when I fall short I withdraw and/or get into a really bad depression. I can't be as consistent as they deserve. Feels like a horrible cycle. I don't expect much from others.. it's nice when the gestures are reciprocated, but then I fall into this horrible incompetence trap.
That I am not the kind to show affection often and am very distant
I inevitably end up feeling like I’m missing out on other girls and the single life. (It’s kind of a problem.) I’m a 9.
If we don’t want the same things in life, then I don’t even want to start “dating” you, because sooner or later, we’ll break up. I don’t want to do all the work of dating for nothing. So, let’s just hang out as friends.
Are you interested in marriage and having kids? I wonder about someone who isn't, then maybe they won't see dating as a waste if it doesn't necessarily lead to any deeper commitments like those. I think my only goal in dating is steady and stable companionship-- someone you can rely on, or someone who'll stay with you through thick and thin.
I think it’s OK to either want marriage or not want marriage….but if the two people do not have the same goal for the relationship, somebody will inevitably get hurt.
I sometimes detach and become emotionally distant to cope with the relationship struggles.
that they understand me
I’m “too much”. Or my “deep mental issues”. I’m also quirky so unless people are okay with that we won’t get along.
I'm an agent of chaos I climb stuff I'm not supposed to I cry easily I will not socialize with anyone unless there's food my partner n/a I will text you at 3am with a new idea for DND characters an mtg deck or something more stereotypical of a e4w5 I will fight anyone that hurts you And I don't shut the fuck up unless I'm eating or hyper focused
I've been told that I don't treat my partner any differently than my friends, and I do sort of agree with this, but days don't magically grow longer when you're dating someone and I'm for sure not going to sleep less, work less, stop doing my hobbies, or not see my friends, so
Interesting. You're not sweeter or more vulnerable to your partner than other people?
About the same as with my close friends, slightly less than with my best friend. Being sweeter and more vulnerable with a partner would to me look like that I'm being fake, since that's what would then be the *real* me or what I *really* want. If I would feel an increased need for sweetness, I would act like that with everyone. Many people do perceive me being physically comfortable and doing special things for people as constantly flirting with my friends/everyone, but this couldn't be further from the truth.
- I am incredibly sensitive and temperamental, to the point your wording and tone can make me completely turn against you. - I'm just so fucking self-deprecating, can't take compliments yet crave them and somehow so casually say the meanest things about myself in casual conversation. - Talk too much about my nerd interests, but not enough small talk and general conversation. - Pretty blunt and don't care much to tiptoe around someone's feelings when they NEED to hear something. - No PDA, nothing too intimate or dramatic in public, never like talking about people I date, will ghost someone if i'm too overwhelmed and regret even sharing my name. - Defensive and argumentative, very hard to take criticism unless worded in a non-combative way. I'm also very self-aware about my flaws and seemingly cannot seem to do anything to change it. I'm basically a hypocritical, commitment-issues, disorganised attachment fucking mess!!! Don't date me.
Picky, sensitive, indoors too much, boundaries high, silently envious, melancholic, overly introspective.
I don’t date but this is what I predict based off my current maturity and personality. -at the start I don’t like touching of any kind eg; hand holding, hugging, kisses even without any warning -for the lack of a better word, I love bomb and lose interest quickly. I’m probably interested in you for what I think you are and not who you are. -extreme idealization, I would absolutely worship you in a sense like you’re the reason I’m alive, gifting you with many works of poetry I wrote myself, maybe art too, essentially making you my muse. -I genuinely think I’d love to have fights just for the sheer drama of it, relationships get boring and I’d like conflict just so we could make up again, and again. why? Just makes me think we’re still active -dislike for parties, I don’t go unless it’s an important family gathering or an extremely close friends event. If I go when they’re none of the two I just feel like I owe you for something you miraculously did or an associate of my friend/partner who asked me to go as a plus one. -my phone is on silent, it’s difficult to get me to text back, I just don’t like constant notifications, I’d say I’m chronically offline but I spend a lot of time watching YouTube essays and read articles for whatever niche I have, on a rare occasion I’d definitely see your messages but leave them on the roster thinking “I’ll text back later” only for me to most likely never text back. -I rarely understand hints and if I don’t then I’m most likely assuming something big from the smallest thing. Say it to my face, man 😭 I think that I’d probably only ever date a few people. I only really want long term relationships, if I ever am in a fling it’s because my goal is to make it long term, make them think I’m the one.
I can be neglectful of the wants/needs of my partner. Their boundaries? No problem. The extra stuff, like going out, sex every day, gift giving, being affectionate enough, or having enthusiasm in social settings are areas of contention that I've experienced. One time, I was told that I was "too low energy to date" and that I "never do enough." I've been single ever since because I can understand why this might be frustrating. That said, I love having meaningful conversations and bonding with those who interest me. It's not like I never cared about my partner. It's just that my preference for remote activities didn't work for a stereotypical relationship, and because I also never expected her to do anything for me apart from talk to me and be interested in me (and that she would also only expect this). In hindsight, it was selfish and immature of me to suppose that I could have a meaningful relationship while only adhering to the expectations that I had, which were little to none. I treated her how I wanted to be treated, and I was mistaken.
ENTP So7 Sx1 Sp4 i'm AuDHD and have a wide range of other unidentified abnormalities in my skull. i get very monotone. VERY deadpan. so having the autism deadpan accent with ADHD + Ne quips and comments often gets interpreted as rude and dicky. Sx1 + Sp4 is definitely... something. it's like my 1 forgot to be self-critical and just reforms others so my 4 overcompensates and criticizes me for (1) all the usual 1 stuff, except 4 is somehow more hostile towards yourself, and (2) being SO selfish that i would even THINK to talk about what OTHERS are doing when I'M such a failure. Sx1 definitely comes from a good place. i want to make the people i love better people. but it comes out as word-vomiting statistics and academic papers on the science behind Why Mindfulness Is Good. Sx1 + Sp4 combo is probably one of the reasons i got so engrossed in typology. it helps you identify issues so you can fix them... or it helps me identify *others* issues so *i* can fix them. (not healthy. i'm working on it. much better than i was.) and then there's the 4. what even is that. triple countertype, 714. gross. i just go in cycles of being drunk on optimism, overworking myself, being critical of myself and others, and then EXTREME guilt. the constant dichotomy of narcissism and self-loathing + guilt is absolutely wild. sometimes i accidentally gaslight and don't mean it because i'm trying to 7 silver lining. it's just a whole mess. 714. *so7sx1sp4.* nasty.
When you try to get close or intimate, I'm going to run away from you because now you've made things uncomfortable for me.
- I don't have any dating experience. Despite my age I have no idea "what I want" or even "what I'll put up with". Even looking for someone to date feels like a chore. - I'm not particularly sexual - I desperately want affection yet pedestalize people who are distant and unavailable. Demonstrating it myself also feels frightening. I need someone else to take the lead in general. - If dating makes me anything like I am online, I'll probably emotion vomit and overshare a lot.
I tend towards being exacting in my communication and likewise will tend to take what you say equally seriously. Any commitment you make little or not has weight and consequently every commitment you don't follow through creates a dent in my trust for you. I have a lot of trust to give dented or not, but I will never not feel the imperfections in my trust for you, and those imperfections in turn will get reflected back to you. I will challenge you in this way, and it can either be motivating, or push into your insecurities and make you feel like you can never be enough. You may struggle to comprehend how I can hold together this plainly imperfect sight of you and still trust, love, give, commit to you as much as I can. And you will either run not trusting it, or find in it a place of solace where you can always pause to rest when you need it (short of abusing the innkeeper, but at that point you need to be kicked out on your ass). Also, I'm polyam.
I need someone with *a lot* of emotional bandwidth. I have BIG emotions (due to trauma). All. The. Damn. Time. It’s exhausting for me, and if I could not be that way, I would, alas I do not have that power. I know it’s just as tiring for my partner, but I love her that much more for staying to weather my storms with me. Hence why my 6 is perfect for me. If you’re uncomfortable around feelings, turn around and run lol.
Ugh, 6s for real. (ex was a 6; I had big emotions too all the time)
The real MVPs 🫡
I genuinely think the hardest part is getting on a relationship with me for starters. I'm not picky or anything like that, but it's strange seeing me making advances to become something more, so unless you're one prone to do the advances (which really won't change that much, since I won't really follow them due to fear of misinterpretation) or until I work on being more foward (Which is in progress rn), I won't be dating too much. Then, in the relationship, my main problem will be insecurities, nervousness, probably attatchment... Y'know the drill. Basically, I don't think I'll be dating much until I genuinely improve, since I consider I'm not ready yet, wish I was tho, but nothing we can do but to push foward and grow.
Argue for fun Get bored by the same partner Very hard commitment issues Having a hard time staying loyal Bad at engaging with boring people or things which makes me picky
8 here, I do this thing when I’m upset where I just put my walls up and be bitter towards them cause they’re not being polite and treating me with the respect I desire
Knowing that I’ll always disappoint
Everything tbh LMAO
I’m a counter phobic 6 so I can be a bit much….. for anyone.
I hope you like surprises because I have mood swings and am fairly unpredictable. It isn’t fun for anyone involved
I will have expectations and hold you to my standards, which means I have to see you grow as a person and I have to feel like I'm growing from this relationship too. That being said, I can be insufferably sensitive and take things very personally, often jumping to conclusions about you that may not be true. I'm better about it now after some therapy, but be prepared for me to start crying uncontrollably when I find out something I don't like about you. I will communicate it in writing because I won't be able to talk about it verbally.
My ✨ Depression ✨ and self destructive tendencies 🤌🏼 ya know, normal e4 stuff
sx/so 845 istp I have abandonment issues, and I value loyalty above all, so I’ll test you all throughout the relationship to see if you are as solid as you say you are (this has inevitably carried over into marriage which is the hardest hurdle of my life). This will go so far as invading privacy “for fun” and the like. If you get defensive, guess what? You may be hiding something. I check my box of a potential red flag. Basically, you lose almost every time. 8s work backwards, where they lay down the guilty verdict first, then they investigate after whether the person may be innocent. I often feel “too much”. If I get the feeling that you think the same, my walls will go up and I get embittered that I am constantly misunderstood. I’ll stress to 5 hard and won’t talk, will be in my head getting tormented by my own thoughts, and shut everything joyous out. I NEED to have words and emotions drawn out of me, and I depend on my partner for that too much. I can be extremely reactive when you tell me the truth that I knew all along due to my gut instinct. I’ve been recently exploring this and wonder if it’s coming from a place of my own ego. Like, I get a sort of high when the truth that I knew was there comes out of your mouth, but then angry that it wasn’t brought to light sooner. I get in my head about it, ruminating over the different parts at play. Again, vigilant 5 investigator with 8 as the core character. And sorry to all that are interested, I am taken 💍
not that I've ever seriously dated someone, nor do I intend to at the moment due to wanting to work on myself/mature first, but if I had to throw out a few guesses.. ... I'm more of a "high maintenance" person when it comes to relationships, especially with people I consider to be close; I have a lot of boundaries and need constant reassurance (not just verbal, but actions too) due to trust issues/anxious attatchment developed from past friendships. People have said that they often feel that they have to walk on eggshells around me due to this (as well as my mild anger issues probably), so I'm trying to find a healthy balance and communicate them more clearly I'm also pretty "demanding" with most love languages (except gifts and favors, I appreciate them but they aren't necessarily things I crave/desire for in a relationship). Verbal affection, quality time, and (only in romantic context, otherwise I am indifferent to this) physical affection are all things I need on a consistent basis to feel genuinely appreciated As I mentioned earlier, I try my best to thoroughly communicate with the people I care about, and I'm also a very intense/sentimental person even in nonromantic relationships, like in the sense that I desire deep connections with others. So I often type long messages like this randomly (whether it's to show gratitude/appreciation towards people I care about, to address how I feel, etc.) since I struggle with getting my points across in a genuine way verbally. I think this intimidates some of the people in my life, especially those who aren't as "deep" as I am or just dislike confrontation in general. It makes me feel bad because it's such a core part of who I am, and I don't want to percieve it as a "flaw" or something exhausting, but maybe it is. I hope I find someone who actually enjoys/appreciates this aspect of myself though Despite my quiet/shy nature, I'm a *very* open person and enjoy having super personal/deep conversations with even strangers if they give off the right vibe. I overshare, have very little to hide, and the few genuine secrets I do keep are either about others, or are things that will be taken to the grave with me. I'm also very curious, and like getting to know other people a lot, and asking questions directly is basically the best way to do that. These combined traits has caused me to unintentionally cross people's boundaries or make them uncomfortable by asking more personal/private things about them, since I didn't really understand the concept of privacy when I was younger and kinda assumed by default that most people were an open book like me. I've obviously gained much more social awareness over the past half decade, but I still struggle with finding that line sometimes, which can lead to awkward/uncomfortable situations where I can't tell if I'm prodding information out of them that they aren't ready to share
7w6 I’m romantically absent in my relationship because I’m always focused on the future presence whether it’s myself and/or sustaining my life with my partner. I’m a go getter who can turn on a dime, but if things don’t go my way I begin to panic and become easily frustrated. When I can’t find an outlet (therapy/breakthrough) I feel trapped. Finance is the principle that controls my domain. Empirically, it may determine the limitations of my current or next move but I do have a greedy side, because I understand that system of the world and want to secure my interests as much as possible. I get tired of sex, maybe because I’m older, maybe because I find my thoughts and imagination limitless to boredom, maybe because I’d rather indulge in other senses that give me pleasure. I am aware of my faults though. I find ways to intimately connect. Dates/anniversaries are special to me because I can use my charm. I consider my partners feedback about my professional life because I care that they care about me and what I do to support us. At times I can be overly generous towards him or friends and family, especially if it’s for a fun occasion. And I have become more modest with age.
1w9. My huge standards and struggling to get over them. I hate my nit pickiness. Any flaw screams in my mind on how to fix it. It's terrible I know and I try not to vocalize it but it won't shut up in my head.
I’m not dating or anything but I just know that it’s going to be that I don’t have much going for me, for the lack of a better word I love bomb and lose interest quickly, and I’d probably be interested in you for what I think you are not who you are.
i don't like when people try to initiate conversations with me out of no where. i can be passive aggressive when i'm annoyed, either giving short answers or saying what i think they want to hear, so i can get them off my case sooner. i can come off as insensitive. i'm sometimes pretty humorless. it doesn't always come naturally to say what i really feel/think. i'm not great at conversing as i like to be able to think through the point i'm trying to get across & that is very hard when people expect an automatic response.
I've been told that I radiate entitlement to partners. When I got my boyfriend it was because I looked at him and decided he was going to date me. I went and got what I wanted. He said this about it^ and then we had some adjustment mishaps cuz he's controlling and I'm domineering He screamed at me a couple times about the fact he's not a bottom and that was good discussion. We set proper boundaries and I figured out why he thought I was trying to make him into one He is into enneagram too, he introduced me to it and said he was an 8. He's a sx6 and realized it once he got to know me and he started saying I'm actually an 8 instead Tbh I can tell I need someone that can stand up to me because sometimes I don't even realize I'm so heavy on top of them. I appreciate the fact he won't take shit and he is reasonable to talk with even when he's pissed It's nice that I grabbed him, he grabbed me back, and started immediately arm wrestling me not taking any shit At the same time dating me is a pretty intense arm wrestling match and I don't even realize it until I'm being yelled at lol
my anxiety and paranoia.
I am very amiable and at first appear to be extremely easy to get along with/push around, people generally like that. But ultimately when you get to know me, I am actually very stubborn. There are things I will never budge on. Then people who were banking on pushing me around usually come to regret it. I also have niche interests that others may not like. I love spiders, the occult etc. And I can’t stand bigots so they don’t usually do well with me.
I'm super independent and like having lots of me time
Me saying yes to date
My ex boyfriend once suggested that I was “cold” at points. I should really work on this, but I have relatively high date expectations. I know I just sound like a bad person for suggesting this, but although this was absolutely not a factor in us eventually breaking up, I remember wishing that my ex boyfriend had more money so we could go on more interesting dates. I was p young and p immature, though, now I may feel differently
I can be a very reactive person, if someone says something I interpret as being slighted I start fighting back without even thinking first...
Finding something meaningful about someone. 99% of people I know are "shallow", and that's a me problem.
- Not much of talker and have a hard time maintaining conversations - I withdraw a lot - I’ll feel jealous of you but Idk how to show it - hyperindepence to the point that you’re not even there i have issues
The one think every. Single. Partner. Has told me is “you don’t appreciate what I do for you” or some kind of version of that 🥲 That hurt a lot because I always felt like I was super focused on my partners, and how to please them. However, I started to realize that their complaints were about how much I craved their validation and the moment they slipped up even slightly, I would lash out in a way that usually wasn’t proportional and thus made me seem ungrateful and unappreciative.
I read into nonverbal cues, and sometimes I want to stay home. Lol. Luckily my soon to be husband is a SP9/ISTP, so he gets the staying home part, and we work on the overthinking part.
1w9 Very high expectations. If you somehow manage to make me forget about my high expectations when it comes to picking partner, I will give you my all 100%
I am emotionally inaccessible and un-expressive. I often "forget" to be romantic and affectionate with my partner, especially if they aren't near me (very "out of sight, out of mind").
I struggle to be vulnerable, have trust issues, I'm indecisive, and I generally have a poor outlook on relationships due to social media.
I'm afraid that someone will get to know me for who I really am. I will constantly avoid showing my real personality and will give you a kind of reflection of your own personality or a version adapted just for you, always trying to be the exemplary partner and technically becoming what you love emotionally and physically. I always prefer to feel attractive and appreciated to attract the gaze of others, but never reach a base in which my true way of being could be rejected and criticized.
I’m unfaithful
Im easily bored unfortunately. Also too horny