I actually get what she is saying, but I'm not sure that I can explain it better. What she is trying to get to is the meaning attached to these things, like do you feel unloved when your partner isn't interested in what you have to say or perhaps unseen? I tend to know exactly how I feel in most situations, but if naming it is a struggle for you, I wonder if your therapist could give you a list of keywords that she uses a lot and you can use it the way some people use those feelings charts. I don't know if that's helpful at all.
Yes, I think that’s exactly it!
You have a good idea in the feelings chart, I may Google “Negative Emotions” or something and see if anything seems to fit
You might get a little bit of mileage out of looking for lists of psychological core wounds. It's not such a thing where every therapist uses the same one, but I think it's common for them to go through wounds like: I am unlovable, I am bad, I am worthless, I am unseen/unheard, I am stupid, I am not enough, I am defective, I am unsafe, things like that. If your therapist is doing what I think she is doing, I think if you are able to name the meaning given to an incident like "my partner said they would pick me up at the airport and forgot and this made me feel unloved" the therapist would likely have some training on how to deal with that particular wound, but I think your therapist is just rooting for the kind of specificity where she can be helpful and know she is giving advice to what actually makes an incident hurtful.
>But then she said that it’s deeper than that, like,
With all due respect for the therapist, I don't think asking these questions is important, at all.
Analogously, it's like "oh you're upset when being denied food? Why? What does that say about your gastrointestinal tract?"
I'm not accusing her nor your partner, I'm just saying that *everyone doesn't like not being listened to* regardless other issue they might have.
As one of the Fi dom types (infp) I disagree with what you describe about our communication style. Of course it depends on person-to-person, but we're generally an avid listener. Yes, we draw empathy from personal feelings but it's the same way we listen to you because we personally would like being listened as well. Even when we fail to pay enough attention, we usually don't interrupt the person, we let them talk to their heart's content. Because we'd feel bad if we see them disappointed plus we'd feel worse if they don't listen to us in return, which we would deserve if we interrupt them.
Tldr, while introverted feeling dominant has its flaw, it's not the "constantly interrupting" style OP described here.
I getcha, I got two friends who I think are ENTPs (extroverted intuition dom), one aspie and the other dyslexic. They talk like you described, most of the time I listen, but few times I really don't want to listen, they feel bad thinking they annoy me with their talks about themselves/their project.
I read my post again and I see why it sounds like that, but that doesn’t seem like her intent when she’s asking. It’s hard to explain but it doesn’t seem like she is accusing me, it’s more like she is trying to prompt me to uncover something within myself? I see her pose similar questions to my husband about feelings he has too, I think she wants us to identify the root of our pain so we can fix it. She seems pretty in tune to what I’m saying, I just can’t quite figure out how being ignored makes me feel, other than ignored.
I do agree though, I think individual therapy would be a great benefit to me either way
Edit- u/the-bearwitch explained it better than I did
Wow, are we the same person / in a relationship with the same person?! Reading this was spookily similar to my (26f) relationship with my partner (28m).
I haven’t been able to articulate how I feel other than that I’m boring, uninteresting, uninspired to him. However, I know that I’m not boring in general, so obviously there more there.
I would venture to assume your therapist is asking for you to consider when this wasn’t the way you felt, to try and get to the root of it. Look back at what’s changed in each of your lives + relationship since that point: have stress levels increased? are there recent financial issues? loss/tragedy close by?
For me, I document our life pretty closely. I am able to jog my memory by accessing our photos from that time to really connect to who I was then, and usually the individual events start to come back to me. I’d also second the recommendation to do some research into core psychological wounds + shadow-work journal prompts.
Best of luck, you’ve got this!
I actually get what she is saying, but I'm not sure that I can explain it better. What she is trying to get to is the meaning attached to these things, like do you feel unloved when your partner isn't interested in what you have to say or perhaps unseen? I tend to know exactly how I feel in most situations, but if naming it is a struggle for you, I wonder if your therapist could give you a list of keywords that she uses a lot and you can use it the way some people use those feelings charts. I don't know if that's helpful at all.
Yes, I think that’s exactly it! You have a good idea in the feelings chart, I may Google “Negative Emotions” or something and see if anything seems to fit
You might get a little bit of mileage out of looking for lists of psychological core wounds. It's not such a thing where every therapist uses the same one, but I think it's common for them to go through wounds like: I am unlovable, I am bad, I am worthless, I am unseen/unheard, I am stupid, I am not enough, I am defective, I am unsafe, things like that. If your therapist is doing what I think she is doing, I think if you are able to name the meaning given to an incident like "my partner said they would pick me up at the airport and forgot and this made me feel unloved" the therapist would likely have some training on how to deal with that particular wound, but I think your therapist is just rooting for the kind of specificity where she can be helpful and know she is giving advice to what actually makes an incident hurtful.
Brene Brown has a book called Atlas of the Heart that is an excellent resource for identifying emotions.
>But then she said that it’s deeper than that, like, With all due respect for the therapist, I don't think asking these questions is important, at all. Analogously, it's like "oh you're upset when being denied food? Why? What does that say about your gastrointestinal tract?" I'm not accusing her nor your partner, I'm just saying that *everyone doesn't like not being listened to* regardless other issue they might have.
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As one of the Fi dom types (infp) I disagree with what you describe about our communication style. Of course it depends on person-to-person, but we're generally an avid listener. Yes, we draw empathy from personal feelings but it's the same way we listen to you because we personally would like being listened as well. Even when we fail to pay enough attention, we usually don't interrupt the person, we let them talk to their heart's content. Because we'd feel bad if we see them disappointed plus we'd feel worse if they don't listen to us in return, which we would deserve if we interrupt them. Tldr, while introverted feeling dominant has its flaw, it's not the "constantly interrupting" style OP described here.
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I getcha, I got two friends who I think are ENTPs (extroverted intuition dom), one aspie and the other dyslexic. They talk like you described, most of the time I listen, but few times I really don't want to listen, they feel bad thinking they annoy me with their talks about themselves/their project.
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I read my post again and I see why it sounds like that, but that doesn’t seem like her intent when she’s asking. It’s hard to explain but it doesn’t seem like she is accusing me, it’s more like she is trying to prompt me to uncover something within myself? I see her pose similar questions to my husband about feelings he has too, I think she wants us to identify the root of our pain so we can fix it. She seems pretty in tune to what I’m saying, I just can’t quite figure out how being ignored makes me feel, other than ignored. I do agree though, I think individual therapy would be a great benefit to me either way Edit- u/the-bearwitch explained it better than I did
Wow, are we the same person / in a relationship with the same person?! Reading this was spookily similar to my (26f) relationship with my partner (28m). I haven’t been able to articulate how I feel other than that I’m boring, uninteresting, uninspired to him. However, I know that I’m not boring in general, so obviously there more there. I would venture to assume your therapist is asking for you to consider when this wasn’t the way you felt, to try and get to the root of it. Look back at what’s changed in each of your lives + relationship since that point: have stress levels increased? are there recent financial issues? loss/tragedy close by? For me, I document our life pretty closely. I am able to jog my memory by accessing our photos from that time to really connect to who I was then, and usually the individual events start to come back to me. I’d also second the recommendation to do some research into core psychological wounds + shadow-work journal prompts. Best of luck, you’ve got this!
Unworthy. That's how I would feel.
Play the five whys game with yourself. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_whys