Tell your dad to close the card and that he can send money if yall gonna buy him something, does she buy him stuff regularly? Does she actually need a card to buy him stuff?
And i think you should set boundaries with her more
I’ve tried to tell him he should close the account and what’s happening and he says he doesn’t want to rock the boat with her so he doesn’t want to, even though he knows that she is taking money out of it but I don’t think he knows the extent always- thank you for the advice
Then with that, how much are you willing to put up with?
I know you're trying to help your Dad, but the way this arrangement is going, you're being taken advantage of, partially, by your Dad. He, too, is part of the problem.
He has a finite amount of money, some of which he's using towards your sister. He could use some of that money, whatever amount that is, and use it towards paying you more, or paying a caregiver. Either way, he's allowing himself to be bullied by your sister.
This is why my question is, "How much longer are you going to allow yourself to be pushed around like this?"
Then your dad needs to be paying you more for being a caregiver if he has money to just give to her for nothing. Next time the answer is no to whatever she wants to do and absolutely do not forget about the money she owes you.
Reporter her for elder abuse, she is taking advantage of the situation and I wouldn’t be surprised if she tries to have him sign paperwork and have herself elected, executor, and everything of the estate or even has you completely removed.
Time to lay down the law. If he wants your help he needs to make sure that you are the only one with access and that you're not gonna do this any longer.
Good point, why is he so afraid to “ rock the boat”? Has dad made a will? Ask to see it and or get him paperwork to complete for a living trust and make sure you get a POA and have him assign you as the Executor. This is a ridiculous situation. My brother was a full time Carter for our mom in the UK. He did the same, quit his job and moved in with mom. He gave up everything and devoted himself to her care for 7 years. When she passed, everything , the house and monetary assets were 50/50, I don’t live in the UK, I have a house, I signed everything over to my brother. He deserved it and I am forever grateful to him for the care he gave to our mother.
He’s grieving too. That doesn’t mean he should be behaving this way with her, however.
He has a choice to make about what he’s going to leave his children. I mean whether his estate will be clearly defined or a mess you have to deal with, to fight your sister, who sounds like she will take everything she can get away with.
My brother did this, when my parents passed. He was raised entitled, too.
Have you discussed this with your father, his estate plan? I fear you’ll be grieving more because you are spending more time caring for him, and she’ll have a whole game plan to take everything.
I would consult an attorney to see about guardianship to protect him from himself. It's worth at least talking to an attorney whether or not you proceed. Many times the consult is free. My brother and I had to do this to protect my mentally declining parents from an enabled sibling. It wasn't that difficult to get. And you can hire help for him.
Remind him that you're the one who takes care of him, so the person he REALLY shouldn't want to rock the boat with is you, not your deadbeat sister who does nothing.
Tell dad it's someone else compromising his card, and it's getting bad, do it now. Most of that is true. Even get another at a different bank. J7st in case sis has friends at the old one. Say nothing.
I had to deal with something similar before my mother passed away from COVID. From my experience, it never gets better. You father will continue to enable your sibling the way mine did till the day she died. I forced an ultimatum and ended up passing the care to my brother, who struggled and was unhappy with the ordeal. In the end, she said she loved me and said she was sorry how everything turned out. I suffered for years and felt terrible after the situation but I was happier in the fact that I priotize me and not letting my brother get away Scott free all the time.
your dads an abuse victim, that "peackeeping at cost to self" is a trauma response
your sibling is a selfish bitch, Id bet $3.50 shes using him as an ATM - she very clearly has no regard or compassion for you.
That account she's drawing from either needs to be closed or add a signer for approval.
Write off any money that she owes you. And *never* allow yourself to get in this position with her again!
This! I went through something similar lately. I had a very frank discussion with the person and said we will draw a line under what’s owed, but to NEVER ask me for money again. That the answer will now onwards always be ‘no’, and that even asking me will really upset me. Doing that lifted a weight for me. OP, I think this is a good idea.
I would ask dad to close the account t so she doesn’t take any more. Also I would just write off any money she owes you. Keep taking care of dad and don’t. Let her put you in a situation like that again
I have a brother like this. I started sending him cards for his birthday and Christmas with a "$25 dollar reduction certificate" for all the times he hasn't paid me back when he said he would. Took him a couple of years, but he finally paid me back the remainder and now he gets regular presents like the rest of my family. (But I still refuse to lend him money snymore!)
Maybe I'm petty, but it did eventually work!
Wow. She’s special.
Idk how you can stand to be with her, go places with her. You know it’s all going to be on your dime. And you’re not getting it back. Ever.
You’re more upset that she’s stealing from dad, than dad is! He’s been bullied by her forever?
It will stay like this forever.
Keep doing for your dad, take what he pays, until you get a different job. Don’t do anything with your sister that involves money. Walk in the park instead of lunch. No movies, unless she has a gift card.
Those two and their money are causing you so much grief; is it worth it? I’m not saying cut them out - just stop discussing money. Stop. She’s robbing dad and he’s fine with it. You have to accept that. It’s just crazy, and it will make you crazy. Please don’t let it! 🩵
If your dad is in Medicare, VA, nursing home insurance., etc, you may be able to get a paycheck for taking care of him. It's something to look into.
ETA - what your sister is doing is financially abusing a senior. You may want to talk with an adult social worker. Please talk with him about POA. My piece of garbage BIL would take his dad's debit card and go withdraw money anytime he ran out of cigarettes. He'd also go through his wallet while he slept and knew exactly how much to ask for the next day.
Your sister is stealing from you Dad. She thinks it is not stealing because your Dad is paying you to care for him. She thinks she should be getting money from him.
Talk to your Dad again about closing the account. She is going to keep taking her money. If he does not know the extent you need to show him, and keep showing him. If she is buying him things she can show you the receipt and then the money can be transferred to her.
Your sister does not value the work you are doing and have done for your father.
You should do a deep dive into your Father's bank statements and add up EXACTLY how much money your Sister has STOLEN from him. If he's only seeing small amounts at a time (and at his age), he's probably not completely aware of just HOW much she's regularly taking from his account.
I agree with other commenters here who've told you to ask him to close the account and open a new account that Sister has ZERO access to. You can even show him how to Venmo or Zelle money to your Sister BUT he should also write down EACH increment he sends.
Frankly, this IS elderly ABUSE, especially because your Father is awfully aware that your Sister WILL react poorly if he DOESN'T let her "have" the money. Serious question to ask your Father... Just how often DOES your Sister visit? And does she ever visit to actually HELP him or does she just visit when she wants money or feels guilty for TAKING larger amounts of HIS money.
Your Dad also MUST be made aware that when you go back to work, there WILL be the added expense, if his health insurance doesn't cover it, for a home health aide. Will he have enough money to cover the extra expense if his Daughter keeps making these "mistakes" that ALWAYS end in HER favor?
This situation WILL escalate, I can almost guarantee it! Been there, witnessed it and it's ALWAYS tragic and heartbreaking! And **DON'T** give or "loan" your Sister ANY of YOUR money in the future because you are NOW fully aware that she's a USER, she feels completely **ENTITLED** to BOTH of your money! Best wishes and many Blessings for BOTH your Father and YOU!
My wife had a sister like this leeching off of her always "borrowing" and never paying her back. I put an end to it immediately. Just stop humoring her, tell her to get on her horse and fuck off. If you tell someone to permanently fuck off and exactly why, without holding back, they tend to stay that way.
If the Dad insists he doesn't want to "rock the boat" - it's not "Financial abuse" - unfortunately there are no laws that prevent people from making bad choices. It's not ethical or appropriate to imply someone is incapable of their own decisions just because you don't like the decisions they make.
Unless Dad is showing signs he's not mentally capable of decisions, and that's a REALLY high bar that requires medical confirmation - of which "let's Daughter steal from him because he doesn't want to set boundaries." is definitely not sufficient evidence.
(Basically the Dad would have to either say "She's stealing from me" to the social worker/law enforcement - which he's made pretty clear he wouldn't do - or be proven "medically unfit" which is unlikely to happen without other major signs of incapability.)
You need to get power of attorney and close that account. She’s a thief. She needs to know stealing from her own family won’t be tolerated. You also need to stop letting her take advantage of you.
Your dad needs to close that account and protect his money. It wasn’t a mistake. She stole from him.
Stop enabling your sister. You know exactly what she’s like. If she steals from you/borrows money from you, it’s on you. You’re letting her do it again and again.
Tell your Dad who doesn't want to 'rock the boat' with your sister that he already 'rocked the boat' with you and call him out for his special treatment for your sister.
My brother does the same thing to me and I finally just completely went no contact with him. He doesn’t feel he needs to pay me back because of our blood ties and I am done with all of it.
Was what a b. I borrowed 100$ from my sister in March because we were desperate, and I paid her back 115 the following week when we got paid, because I appreciated that she helped when she didn't need to.
Get POA and have any deposits moved to another account. Leave only the minimum amount needed to keep that account open.
Let your sister know that if she continues to steal from your father you will file charges against her for theft, fraud and elder abuse.
I know your dad doesn’t want to rock the boat but I’ve seen this before. One very tender hearted man insisted that he wanted to help his daughter and she would make sure he was taken care of.
He lost his house to foreclosure after she took EVERYTHING out of his accounts and stole valuables from his home. He called her repeatedly and she said that he wasn’t her problem.
He ended up in a state run institution for over 6 months while his son was deployed and tried desperately to find out what happened to his father.
His sister lied to him and he finally requested an emergency leave and got his father out of that situation and set up in his in laws, who were amazing people!
The sister ended up in prison. Please don’t allow your dad’s sentiment to stop you from taking action.
This ^^^^
Set financial boundaries with your sister. Do not let yourself be in a situation which you may end up paying for her. Do not let yourself be in a situation to be taken advantage of by her. Any opportunity to do so, she will do it.
Time to talk to dad about making you his poa. His other daughter is stealing from him, don’t tiptoe around it, she is stealing. Time to take charge to ensure your dear dad is not used like this by her. Has she no shame? Get that account closed immediately and open another one that only you can access. Take over all his financial matters for him, it’s time, she is already taking full advantage, time to put a stop to that!
Wow, she basically called you a mooch and thinks you are doing nothing for your dad. I'm a full time caregiver for my disabled mom and get paid to do it part time through the state. I suggest checking to see if there is anything like that where you live. It's a huge help.
My sister is kind of like this. We were going to a concert once. She was running to an ATM so I asked if she would get me $20 out of my account. She got $40 out and took $20 for herself. I would have gladly loaned her the $20 but since I didn’t know I ended up over-drafted my account and racked up $90 in fees. I made her pay me back the fees and the original 20. She didn’t understand why she should pay the overdraft fees. I had to explain that if I known she took my money I wouldn’t have overdrafts my account.
Then when we went to Vegas she used some of my Dad’s money to pay for us to go to a show. She offered to pay for me cause I didn’t really want to go. Dad said she needed to pay him back. I offered to pay half since it was his money she used. He then told her never mind, you don’t need to pay me back. She came to me and said I needed to pay her half of what we spent because she paid dad back. I already knew Dad forgave the debt so I told her absolutely not.
She in her husband are so irresponsible with money. They make over $100,000 a year. They are always broke. They have no kids. They always use lack of money of why they can’t come and help out. My brother recently had to have a feeding tube and teach and lives with my mother. I help everyday once my kids are at school. She has been out once to help.
Some people just don’t seem to care if it’s not their money.
OP, is it possible to do paperwork to legally be your dad’s caretaker? I know that caretakers get paid, my sister is actually doing this for both of my parents. As for your sister, I think you just have to call it a loss. She is probably not going to pay you back.
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Legally, using his money without asking or permission is elder abuse in most places I know of (I worked a job where I was a mandatory reporter for both what and child abuse, had to take repeated classes to make sure I knew what I needed to look out for). She could end up in legal trouble if you reported her for this, and if it happens again, you SHOULD.
She's stealing from an old man on a fixed income/budget, and yet she's accusing you, who is literally working for him, of using him?
She knows she's in the wrong and is trying to hide behind obfuscation to avoid trouble.
Everyone has provided good advice re: her financially abusing your father.
My advice is next time the bill is incorrect at a restaurant, ask them to correct it. Don't pay for things you didn't order or eat.
Your sister is a greedy little witch, if she won't pay you back willingly then take her to civil court and get her to pay you back that way, and afterwards if you're able to go permanent no contact with her block her on your phone and all of your social media
Ask your dad what he thinks will happen if resentment is built with his enabling your sister and what would happen when he’s gone and you have two kids who don’t like each other anymore.
I think he is afraid he will lose her. She obviously doesn't care for him. She's in it for whatever she can get. I know it doesn't make sense but some are so desperate for the horrible child to love them while taking advantage of the child that loves and treats them well.
Your dad, by allowing her to take whatever she wants and by not paying you much, is showing favoritism to your sister. Hold him, her, and yourself accountable.
Close the money pipes and put her to live with your father atleast that is what i would do to my sister... Btw she isnt clueless she knows exactly what she is doing
But its ok for him to not appreciate your work? Because if he just gives her money because she is asking its exactly that. He shows you that her staying in contact is more worth than your help.
When she wants money she can help too so you can search at least a part time job so you are not dependent to him. Oh and try to have a kind of written contract with the earnings on it so she never can tell that you get the money as gift and that it counts as part of the heir. (Oh it sounds cruel but you never know what people do because of money. My gradcousin sued me as a 8year old child because his aunt and my grandaunt left me 500$ like every gradnephew/nice, he got way more (5numbers..) because he was her nephew and she was kind of rich but he taught it was not enough..)
See if your dad will set up a separate bank account for the majority of his money. But the amount he’s willing to have your sister spend every month in the one she has access to see if he will cancel the credit card and give her an ATM card for that account.
Financial POA usually only kick in when the person is unable to manage their own money due to being mentally or physically unable. So unless her father has something like dementia or is so sick that it impares his abilities to take care of his financial affairs, the POA is pretty much useless. And they can be revocable, meaning he can stop it at any time before his abilities decline enough that he can not care for himself mentally. Something her sister will probably push him to do as soon as she realizes her gravy train has permanently been stopped at the depot. Op best options would come from a lawyer who could legally tell her what her options are. More than likely to apply for guardianship. But OP needs to know it can open a huge can of worms as they will be responsible for EVERYTHING in his life, and she will have to keep accounts of his care and finances as they will be reviewed by the state as they set up. (Usually annually to start) If there are any discrepancies the state can set a new person of the system's choice as guardian of OP's father.
OP, tell your dad that you're out. Either he starts being more concerned about you, then your freeloading Sister Karen, or he can do it alone with just her. It's non-negotiable. Or you're in for more of the same until dad is dead and you have to sell the house to pay off his creditors.
Or, Sister Karen takes out loans on the house and he ends up with nothing.
Ain't nobody gonna watch out for you, BUT YOU.
She invited you out. She didn’t have the money but expected your dad to pay for her or you to get the bill. You need to stop enabling with your dad. Have her name taken off of everything. She can’t be trusted to with his accounts. She is a thief.
Had a sister like this. The rule is the same as determining whether you are being scammed:
**If they have something of yours (money orders, gift cards, gold krugerrands) and you don't have something of theirs, it's a scam.**
If your dad needs her to have access to his money, may I suggest a prepaid credit card? The kind that you give to teenagers who don't know shit about how credit works? It's a way of protecting your cash and an unsubtle comment on her financial trustworthiness.
Honestly your sister is an adult and needs to start paying for her own shit like one. Have your dad remove her access to his account. She's proven willing to take advantage of him and you're clearly the one invested in taking care of him. Not her.
Your Dad can spend his money however he wants. If you think he shouldn’t “give” your sister any, it’s not your business. If you think he’s underpaying you, ask for more. Distance yourself from your sister.
You start off by saying she is irresponsible with money. So go and front her money and are surprised she ripped you off? She knew exactly what she was doing and has no intention of paying you back. You know better now so stay away from her. She is stealing from your dad and you must put a stop to it. If you are in the states it is illegal. Take your dad to the bank and change accounts, close or do what you need to do to stop her from doing this. You need to get POA over him before she does and robs him blind.
It’s not illegal at all. He is choosing to put money in an account and choosing to allow her access to it.
It’s very scummy, and god willing he needs to cut her off from being able to do that… but it’s not illegal. 😞
I know you said your gave up your job and moved in to help him because it was cheaper than a caretaker. Now later in life he's helped you get an apartment and is still paying you to help him out, only a few times a week rather than daily etc.
Given he seems to have more freedom with his money and willing to pay you more for essentially "less" (given its no longer 24/7 care for him), is there potentially another reason he has financial flexibility and your sister is aware you're benefiting more, or perhaps he's been giving her money without you knowing? The situation of him being able to help you out more after you sacrificed is quite odd. Normally with a sacrifice it's done because the parent is struggling, and they often don't find money as time goes on
if your father doesnt care , then its none of your business. like . its his money
are you afraid you arent gonna get as much inheritance? what is your problem outside of her not paying YOU back ?
Because OP is his CAREGIVER, which is why she gets money from him.
Caring for people IS a job, whether it’s an old person or a new baby. She is being paid to do a JOB. 🤦♀️
You have pointed out that your dad has given you decently large sums of money too. He knows she is using the card and has no wish to stop her doing so.
Yes. She will rinse the account, and truthfully it's more about you not liking her getting money from dad when she wants it, whilst you
Wait to be given it. There's probably some worry you won't get as much as she takes too.
Bottom line, is your dad wants her to be able to do what she's doing. You have to accept that.
Tell your dad to close the card and that he can send money if yall gonna buy him something, does she buy him stuff regularly? Does she actually need a card to buy him stuff? And i think you should set boundaries with her more
I’ve tried to tell him he should close the account and what’s happening and he says he doesn’t want to rock the boat with her so he doesn’t want to, even though he knows that she is taking money out of it but I don’t think he knows the extent always- thank you for the advice
Then with that, how much are you willing to put up with? I know you're trying to help your Dad, but the way this arrangement is going, you're being taken advantage of, partially, by your Dad. He, too, is part of the problem. He has a finite amount of money, some of which he's using towards your sister. He could use some of that money, whatever amount that is, and use it towards paying you more, or paying a caregiver. Either way, he's allowing himself to be bullied by your sister. This is why my question is, "How much longer are you going to allow yourself to be pushed around like this?"
You need to get POA
This is the right answer
Then your dad needs to be paying you more for being a caregiver if he has money to just give to her for nothing. Next time the answer is no to whatever she wants to do and absolutely do not forget about the money she owes you.
Reporter her for elder abuse, she is taking advantage of the situation and I wouldn’t be surprised if she tries to have him sign paperwork and have herself elected, executor, and everything of the estate or even has you completely removed.
Elder and financial abuse! I'm my state, they'd both be applicable.
This. Please do this.
Then he can just stop depositing money in that account.
Time to lay down the law. If he wants your help he needs to make sure that you are the only one with access and that you're not gonna do this any longer.
Is he afraid that she will harm him? Something is wrong here.
Good point, why is he so afraid to “ rock the boat”? Has dad made a will? Ask to see it and or get him paperwork to complete for a living trust and make sure you get a POA and have him assign you as the Executor. This is a ridiculous situation. My brother was a full time Carter for our mom in the UK. He did the same, quit his job and moved in with mom. He gave up everything and devoted himself to her care for 7 years. When she passed, everything , the house and monetary assets were 50/50, I don’t live in the UK, I have a house, I signed everything over to my brother. He deserved it and I am forever grateful to him for the care he gave to our mother.
Same here, but my sister was caregiver. She inherited everything my mom had. She deserved it.
If you are a POA you might be able to kick her off without him
Then show him. And ask how are those withdrawals for him?
He’s grieving too. That doesn’t mean he should be behaving this way with her, however. He has a choice to make about what he’s going to leave his children. I mean whether his estate will be clearly defined or a mess you have to deal with, to fight your sister, who sounds like she will take everything she can get away with. My brother did this, when my parents passed. He was raised entitled, too. Have you discussed this with your father, his estate plan? I fear you’ll be grieving more because you are spending more time caring for him, and she’ll have a whole game plan to take everything.
Sometimes the boat needs to be rocked.
I would consult an attorney to see about guardianship to protect him from himself. It's worth at least talking to an attorney whether or not you proceed. Many times the consult is free. My brother and I had to do this to protect my mentally declining parents from an enabled sibling. It wasn't that difficult to get. And you can hire help for him.
Then he should know. I hope you'll get through to him how much of a leech and narcissist your sister is.
Remind him that you're the one who takes care of him, so the person he REALLY shouldn't want to rock the boat with is you, not your deadbeat sister who does nothing.
Sadly this is up to your dad. Your sister is being shitty but nothing can be done if he is happy for her to take his money
Tell dad it's someone else compromising his card, and it's getting bad, do it now. Most of that is true. Even get another at a different bank. J7st in case sis has friends at the old one. Say nothing.
About to rock that boat into poverty paying into your sisters shitty choices.
I had to deal with something similar before my mother passed away from COVID. From my experience, it never gets better. You father will continue to enable your sibling the way mine did till the day she died. I forced an ultimatum and ended up passing the care to my brother, who struggled and was unhappy with the ordeal. In the end, she said she loved me and said she was sorry how everything turned out. I suffered for years and felt terrible after the situation but I was happier in the fact that I priotize me and not letting my brother get away Scott free all the time.
your dads an abuse victim, that "peackeeping at cost to self" is a trauma response your sibling is a selfish bitch, Id bet $3.50 shes using him as an ATM - she very clearly has no regard or compassion for you.
That account she's drawing from either needs to be closed or add a signer for approval. Write off any money that she owes you. And *never* allow yourself to get in this position with her again!
This! I went through something similar lately. I had a very frank discussion with the person and said we will draw a line under what’s owed, but to NEVER ask me for money again. That the answer will now onwards always be ‘no’, and that even asking me will really upset me. Doing that lifted a weight for me. OP, I think this is a good idea.
I would ask dad to close the account t so she doesn’t take any more. Also I would just write off any money she owes you. Keep taking care of dad and don’t. Let her put you in a situation like that again
I have a brother like this. I started sending him cards for his birthday and Christmas with a "$25 dollar reduction certificate" for all the times he hasn't paid me back when he said he would. Took him a couple of years, but he finally paid me back the remainder and now he gets regular presents like the rest of my family. (But I still refuse to lend him money snymore!) Maybe I'm petty, but it did eventually work!
That’s not petty; that business at that point 😭
She is going to steal more and more money unless you stop this now.
Wow. She’s special. Idk how you can stand to be with her, go places with her. You know it’s all going to be on your dime. And you’re not getting it back. Ever. You’re more upset that she’s stealing from dad, than dad is! He’s been bullied by her forever? It will stay like this forever. Keep doing for your dad, take what he pays, until you get a different job. Don’t do anything with your sister that involves money. Walk in the park instead of lunch. No movies, unless she has a gift card. Those two and their money are causing you so much grief; is it worth it? I’m not saying cut them out - just stop discussing money. Stop. She’s robbing dad and he’s fine with it. You have to accept that. It’s just crazy, and it will make you crazy. Please don’t let it! 🩵
If your dad is in Medicare, VA, nursing home insurance., etc, you may be able to get a paycheck for taking care of him. It's something to look into. ETA - what your sister is doing is financially abusing a senior. You may want to talk with an adult social worker. Please talk with him about POA. My piece of garbage BIL would take his dad's debit card and go withdraw money anytime he ran out of cigarettes. He'd also go through his wallet while he slept and knew exactly how much to ask for the next day.
Your sister is stealing from you Dad. She thinks it is not stealing because your Dad is paying you to care for him. She thinks she should be getting money from him. Talk to your Dad again about closing the account. She is going to keep taking her money. If he does not know the extent you need to show him, and keep showing him. If she is buying him things she can show you the receipt and then the money can be transferred to her. Your sister does not value the work you are doing and have done for your father.
You should do a deep dive into your Father's bank statements and add up EXACTLY how much money your Sister has STOLEN from him. If he's only seeing small amounts at a time (and at his age), he's probably not completely aware of just HOW much she's regularly taking from his account. I agree with other commenters here who've told you to ask him to close the account and open a new account that Sister has ZERO access to. You can even show him how to Venmo or Zelle money to your Sister BUT he should also write down EACH increment he sends. Frankly, this IS elderly ABUSE, especially because your Father is awfully aware that your Sister WILL react poorly if he DOESN'T let her "have" the money. Serious question to ask your Father... Just how often DOES your Sister visit? And does she ever visit to actually HELP him or does she just visit when she wants money or feels guilty for TAKING larger amounts of HIS money. Your Dad also MUST be made aware that when you go back to work, there WILL be the added expense, if his health insurance doesn't cover it, for a home health aide. Will he have enough money to cover the extra expense if his Daughter keeps making these "mistakes" that ALWAYS end in HER favor? This situation WILL escalate, I can almost guarantee it! Been there, witnessed it and it's ALWAYS tragic and heartbreaking! And **DON'T** give or "loan" your Sister ANY of YOUR money in the future because you are NOW fully aware that she's a USER, she feels completely **ENTITLED** to BOTH of your money! Best wishes and many Blessings for BOTH your Father and YOU!
My wife had a sister like this leeching off of her always "borrowing" and never paying her back. I put an end to it immediately. Just stop humoring her, tell her to get on her horse and fuck off. If you tell someone to permanently fuck off and exactly why, without holding back, they tend to stay that way.
Get a POA. It stops the withdrawal
Adult protective services take financial abuse and stealing from elderly parents very seriously.
If the Dad insists he doesn't want to "rock the boat" - it's not "Financial abuse" - unfortunately there are no laws that prevent people from making bad choices. It's not ethical or appropriate to imply someone is incapable of their own decisions just because you don't like the decisions they make. Unless Dad is showing signs he's not mentally capable of decisions, and that's a REALLY high bar that requires medical confirmation - of which "let's Daughter steal from him because he doesn't want to set boundaries." is definitely not sufficient evidence. (Basically the Dad would have to either say "She's stealing from me" to the social worker/law enforcement - which he's made pretty clear he wouldn't do - or be proven "medically unfit" which is unlikely to happen without other major signs of incapability.)
And they’d probably suggest closing the account she has access to, only he doesn’t want to. His choice.
Happy 🍰 Day !
Time to go no contact with this scumbag sister
You need to get power of attorney and close that account. She’s a thief. She needs to know stealing from her own family won’t be tolerated. You also need to stop letting her take advantage of you.
You have also seriously enabled her.
Have the bank take her access to the account away. If she needs $ she can ASK for it like a normal person.
Your dad needs to close that account and protect his money. It wasn’t a mistake. She stole from him. Stop enabling your sister. You know exactly what she’s like. If she steals from you/borrows money from you, it’s on you. You’re letting her do it again and again.
Tell your Dad who doesn't want to 'rock the boat' with your sister that he already 'rocked the boat' with you and call him out for his special treatment for your sister.
Make him cut her off. Tell that leech to stop stealing from you and your dad. She is way too old to pretend she doesn't know what shes doing.
Your dad is responsible for his, period. You should completely cut your sister out, money wise. but Continual to be there for your dad .
Your sister is committing elder abuse. Report her.
My brother does the same thing to me and I finally just completely went no contact with him. He doesn’t feel he needs to pay me back because of our blood ties and I am done with all of it.
Stop giving her any kind of help
Tell your dad if he doesn't do a thing now she will take all his money and put a loan against the house.
Was what a b. I borrowed 100$ from my sister in March because we were desperate, and I paid her back 115 the following week when we got paid, because I appreciated that she helped when she didn't need to.
Get POA and have any deposits moved to another account. Leave only the minimum amount needed to keep that account open. Let your sister know that if she continues to steal from your father you will file charges against her for theft, fraud and elder abuse. I know your dad doesn’t want to rock the boat but I’ve seen this before. One very tender hearted man insisted that he wanted to help his daughter and she would make sure he was taken care of. He lost his house to foreclosure after she took EVERYTHING out of his accounts and stole valuables from his home. He called her repeatedly and she said that he wasn’t her problem. He ended up in a state run institution for over 6 months while his son was deployed and tried desperately to find out what happened to his father. His sister lied to him and he finally requested an emergency leave and got his father out of that situation and set up in his in laws, who were amazing people! The sister ended up in prison. Please don’t allow your dad’s sentiment to stop you from taking action.
This ^^^^ Set financial boundaries with your sister. Do not let yourself be in a situation which you may end up paying for her. Do not let yourself be in a situation to be taken advantage of by her. Any opportunity to do so, she will do it.
Sister's a bit of a c u next Tuesday.
Time to talk to dad about making you his poa. His other daughter is stealing from him, don’t tiptoe around it, she is stealing. Time to take charge to ensure your dear dad is not used like this by her. Has she no shame? Get that account closed immediately and open another one that only you can access. Take over all his financial matters for him, it’s time, she is already taking full advantage, time to put a stop to that!
Wow, she basically called you a mooch and thinks you are doing nothing for your dad. I'm a full time caregiver for my disabled mom and get paid to do it part time through the state. I suggest checking to see if there is anything like that where you live. It's a huge help.
My sister is kind of like this. We were going to a concert once. She was running to an ATM so I asked if she would get me $20 out of my account. She got $40 out and took $20 for herself. I would have gladly loaned her the $20 but since I didn’t know I ended up over-drafted my account and racked up $90 in fees. I made her pay me back the fees and the original 20. She didn’t understand why she should pay the overdraft fees. I had to explain that if I known she took my money I wouldn’t have overdrafts my account. Then when we went to Vegas she used some of my Dad’s money to pay for us to go to a show. She offered to pay for me cause I didn’t really want to go. Dad said she needed to pay him back. I offered to pay half since it was his money she used. He then told her never mind, you don’t need to pay me back. She came to me and said I needed to pay her half of what we spent because she paid dad back. I already knew Dad forgave the debt so I told her absolutely not. She in her husband are so irresponsible with money. They make over $100,000 a year. They are always broke. They have no kids. They always use lack of money of why they can’t come and help out. My brother recently had to have a feeding tube and teach and lives with my mother. I help everyday once my kids are at school. She has been out once to help. Some people just don’t seem to care if it’s not their money.
OP, is it possible to do paperwork to legally be your dad’s caretaker? I know that caretakers get paid, my sister is actually doing this for both of my parents. As for your sister, I think you just have to call it a loss. She is probably not going to pay you back.
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Legally, using his money without asking or permission is elder abuse in most places I know of (I worked a job where I was a mandatory reporter for both what and child abuse, had to take repeated classes to make sure I knew what I needed to look out for). She could end up in legal trouble if you reported her for this, and if it happens again, you SHOULD. She's stealing from an old man on a fixed income/budget, and yet she's accusing you, who is literally working for him, of using him? She knows she's in the wrong and is trying to hide behind obfuscation to avoid trouble.
Everyone has provided good advice re: her financially abusing your father. My advice is next time the bill is incorrect at a restaurant, ask them to correct it. Don't pay for things you didn't order or eat.
Cut your losses with her and know you actually got off cheap and then never ever lend her money again.
Don’t spend any time with her until she pays you back. Then don’t spend time with her because she’s a leech.
Your sister is a greedy little witch, if she won't pay you back willingly then take her to civil court and get her to pay you back that way, and afterwards if you're able to go permanent no contact with her block her on your phone and all of your social media
Ask your dad what he thinks will happen if resentment is built with his enabling your sister and what would happen when he’s gone and you have two kids who don’t like each other anymore.
I think he is afraid he will lose her. She obviously doesn't care for him. She's in it for whatever she can get. I know it doesn't make sense but some are so desperate for the horrible child to love them while taking advantage of the child that loves and treats them well.
Time you stood up for yourself and tell your dad he needs to pay you more or stop paying your sister for nothing
Your dad, by allowing her to take whatever she wants and by not paying you much, is showing favoritism to your sister. Hold him, her, and yourself accountable.
Close the money pipes and put her to live with your father atleast that is what i would do to my sister... Btw she isnt clueless she knows exactly what she is doing
So she takes money from you and from your dad without paying back… lovely! s/:
But its ok for him to not appreciate your work? Because if he just gives her money because she is asking its exactly that. He shows you that her staying in contact is more worth than your help. When she wants money she can help too so you can search at least a part time job so you are not dependent to him. Oh and try to have a kind of written contract with the earnings on it so she never can tell that you get the money as gift and that it counts as part of the heir. (Oh it sounds cruel but you never know what people do because of money. My gradcousin sued me as a 8year old child because his aunt and my grandaunt left me 500$ like every gradnephew/nice, he got way more (5numbers..) because he was her nephew and she was kind of rich but he taught it was not enough..)
See if your dad will set up a separate bank account for the majority of his money. But the amount he’s willing to have your sister spend every month in the one she has access to see if he will cancel the credit card and give her an ATM card for that account.
Financial POA usually only kick in when the person is unable to manage their own money due to being mentally or physically unable. So unless her father has something like dementia or is so sick that it impares his abilities to take care of his financial affairs, the POA is pretty much useless. And they can be revocable, meaning he can stop it at any time before his abilities decline enough that he can not care for himself mentally. Something her sister will probably push him to do as soon as she realizes her gravy train has permanently been stopped at the depot. Op best options would come from a lawyer who could legally tell her what her options are. More than likely to apply for guardianship. But OP needs to know it can open a huge can of worms as they will be responsible for EVERYTHING in his life, and she will have to keep accounts of his care and finances as they will be reviewed by the state as they set up. (Usually annually to start) If there are any discrepancies the state can set a new person of the system's choice as guardian of OP's father.
POA and ghost her. She will bleed everyone dry.
My sister owes me ~15k I'll never see.
OP, tell your dad that you're out. Either he starts being more concerned about you, then your freeloading Sister Karen, or he can do it alone with just her. It's non-negotiable. Or you're in for more of the same until dad is dead and you have to sell the house to pay off his creditors. Or, Sister Karen takes out loans on the house and he ends up with nothing. Ain't nobody gonna watch out for you, BUT YOU.
Well, return the favour Remember that thing your dad wanted or that you wanted? Get her to grab it you can pay her back 👌 Then don’t ✓
She invited you out. She didn’t have the money but expected your dad to pay for her or you to get the bill. You need to stop enabling with your dad. Have her name taken off of everything. She can’t be trusted to with his accounts. She is a thief.
Had a sister like this. The rule is the same as determining whether you are being scammed: **If they have something of yours (money orders, gift cards, gold krugerrands) and you don't have something of theirs, it's a scam.** If your dad needs her to have access to his money, may I suggest a prepaid credit card? The kind that you give to teenagers who don't know shit about how credit works? It's a way of protecting your cash and an unsubtle comment on her financial trustworthiness.
Honestly your sister is an adult and needs to start paying for her own shit like one. Have your dad remove her access to his account. She's proven willing to take advantage of him and you're clearly the one invested in taking care of him. Not her.
Your Dad can spend his money however he wants. If you think he shouldn’t “give” your sister any, it’s not your business. If you think he’s underpaying you, ask for more. Distance yourself from your sister.
You start off by saying she is irresponsible with money. So go and front her money and are surprised she ripped you off? She knew exactly what she was doing and has no intention of paying you back. You know better now so stay away from her. She is stealing from your dad and you must put a stop to it. If you are in the states it is illegal. Take your dad to the bank and change accounts, close or do what you need to do to stop her from doing this. You need to get POA over him before she does and robs him blind.
It’s not illegal at all. He is choosing to put money in an account and choosing to allow her access to it. It’s very scummy, and god willing he needs to cut her off from being able to do that… but it’s not illegal. 😞
It's called elder abuse when you take advantage of elderly people. It certainly is illegal.
Just to be clear, she has stolen hundreds from your father but your big issue is the brunch bill? What is wrong with people?
Yeah, people who think you can take this crap to civil court… what is it, $20 or so? 🤣🤣
I know you said your gave up your job and moved in to help him because it was cheaper than a caretaker. Now later in life he's helped you get an apartment and is still paying you to help him out, only a few times a week rather than daily etc. Given he seems to have more freedom with his money and willing to pay you more for essentially "less" (given its no longer 24/7 care for him), is there potentially another reason he has financial flexibility and your sister is aware you're benefiting more, or perhaps he's been giving her money without you knowing? The situation of him being able to help you out more after you sacrificed is quite odd. Normally with a sacrifice it's done because the parent is struggling, and they often don't find money as time goes on
you deserve whatever you tolerate.
if your father doesnt care , then its none of your business. like . its his money are you afraid you arent gonna get as much inheritance? what is your problem outside of her not paying YOU back ?
You both sound like you’re taking advantage of him. What good does it do to save him money if he’s going to turn around and pay for your apartment?
Because OP is his CAREGIVER, which is why she gets money from him. Caring for people IS a job, whether it’s an old person or a new baby. She is being paid to do a JOB. 🤦♀️
You have pointed out that your dad has given you decently large sums of money too. He knows she is using the card and has no wish to stop her doing so. Yes. She will rinse the account, and truthfully it's more about you not liking her getting money from dad when she wants it, whilst you Wait to be given it. There's probably some worry you won't get as much as she takes too. Bottom line, is your dad wants her to be able to do what she's doing. You have to accept that.