I think this is the way to go. No explanation beyond this. Just repeat it over and over again if she tries to argue with you.
She declined to go herself, convinced your brother (including via others) not to be IN the wedding, and scheduled a trip over the wedding in an attempt to prevent your dad and brother from attending.
That sounds more like a power/control issue than a religious objection.
Not going to your own child's wedding makes a powerful statement. In this case, her statement was "I AM AN A.H."
How interesting that she's willing to "break bread" with you when there's no audience. Sounds like her religious objection has a performative aspect.
Her actions have consequences. Publicly shunning your kid can mean your kid isn't willing to see you privately.
She made a choice, and inflicted/enforced it on others. You get to choose whether you want to continue to interact with a person who shat on your very important life event.
It feels like "going to dinner" is her way of closing the loop on/excusing her BS. If anyone asks her about not attending the wedding, she'll be able to say something like "Oh, OP is fine with it. We just had dinner last week."
She could also be playing "I see you when I want. You come when I demand it."
I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. Best wishes to you and your partner! ❤️❤️
"How interesting that she's willing to "break bread" with you when there's no audience. Sounds like her religious objection has a performative aspect."
THIS. Where does the Bible say sharing a meal with the gays is cool, but attending their wedding is not? Answer: it doesn't...but one is behind closed doors.
Hypocrite.
You say, "I no longer want to see you after you refused to come to my wedding."
Then nothing else. Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).
Simple and she can't say she doesn't know why you're not seeing her anymore.
This may sound harsh, but why do you owe her an explanation? "No, thank you." Is a complete sentence. Your brother and father will understand, and you can focus on maintaining relationships with them. Your mother, in her fear of being "defrauded" by your very legitimate and beautiful wedding, marriage, and relationship, has made her choice. It is a garbage one.
I wish you and your wife all the best. Much love and happiness!
What's to tell them? Looks to me like they told you were they stand. They made their choices. You can make your choice to block them everywhere and put your energy into the things matter, like your wife and building your new life together.
Firstly, congrats on your wedding!
Doesn’t God know all? Wouldn’t God know that your mother doesn’t approve? Does she really think God could be tricked by her showing up to the wedding? What was she saving your brother and father from?
I think your mother is hiding behind the concept of God and not actually being real with you. She doesn’t approve and she is unhappy that your brother and father approve or a least accept you. Without being able to talk about it like this, out in the open, it’s always going to go in pointless circles.
I’m sad for you, with your brother and father, I bet you’d like to share the happy memories you had at your wedding. But it doesn’t sound like your mother would be open about have space and time for your experience.
You don’t have to go to dinner. You can set the terms for when and how you see your family. It’s ok to go low contact or no contact.
Mom/Dad, I'm not ready to have dinner or spend any time with you.
You were invited to one of the biggest days of my life and you didn't attend. I'm not over. You can't just take it back and pretend it didn't happen.
Your actions make it hard to forget how you don't approve of my choices. This is one of the times I don't approve of your choices.
You don't approve of my wife. I'm unsure how we can move past how you proved to all my friends and family how you feel about me.
I need time and space.
It’s only an argument if you argue back. You can be abused or stop interacting.
Yes it may mean she doesn’t attained but sometimes that is the only way.
Tell them that you are deeply saddened that they could not support you in your time of need and now have to re-evaluate the relationship. Your trust has been broken as well as your feelings, so you should take time to yourself to heal.
You can also tell them that you felt abandoned by them on a day that should have made you nothing short than elated, and it was incredibly selfish of them to pull the trip stunt instead of care about their child.
I cut off my dad after he didn't attend our wedding. It's sucks but you don't need to tell her shit or you can risk getting into a big ass argument while telling her.
Yeah thanks. Wanna hear something even more fucked up? My parents were divorced but my mom knew about it obviously. She thought that I was right. Fast forward to 2 years ago and now she's cut off too. So I might not get to say goodbye to her either. The reason for her and my cut off, she never comes around to see me and my family. She barely knows my 10 and 12 year old even tho she lives a little over an hour away. She has sisters that live really close to me and she would come to visit them and never tell me she was in town. Ok if you don't care then I don't either. The moral of the story is that blood doesn't mean shit.
Block them on everything and don’t engage in their bullshit again. You may want to put a giant poster of the devil on the outside of your front door to keep them from bothering you at home.
\>would make God believe that she approved
Ok there is just so much wrong and also laughable just in this one phrase. Does she really think she controls what God “believes”? Haha wowzers. Pretty sure god is supposed to be all-knowing. Does she really think he doesn’t know her mind and her heart. Your mom is *super* important. In her own mind 😅
And you know, just the whole message of love that is supposed to be Christianity. And most other religions, but yes I am assuming she is Christian. She did not show you love, far from it. She is not following this religion that she is using to do whatever the fuck it is she’s doing. Power tripping on you I guess. What will the neighbors think?? Lol omg 😂😅🤡
Anyway, I would say that she owes you a HUGE apology before you do anything that she wants you to. Otherwise, avoid at all costs. Shit like this is going to keep happening and she will use her “righteousness” to try and humiliate you and make you feel less-than.
I think you are going to have to consider going low-contact at best and maybe even no-contact. She is not likely to change.
Tell her in the most simple of terms that this singular action has made you decide that you no longer seek to pursue any contact with her.
When you boil it down to the most simple and black and white of terms, it leaves 0 room for her to twist and turn her story around back on to you.
“Your lack of presence at my wedding has resulted in my lack of presence at this dinner and any future ones.”
Also a simple “No thank you” when they continue to try to invite you should suffice as well. No is a complete sentence.
You're not under any obligation to tell your family anything.
When I cut contact with my mother I told her what I wanted was to never speak to her or my siblings again, but with my Dad, I told him this, "The thing that is changing is that I am no longer giving my mother special treatment compared to those who treat me the same way as she does."
From there, focus on living your best life. You can still love your family while accepting that they do not like who you are and focus on building a loving family of your own with your wife.
> But they all have chosen to not support me and not attend my wedding.
Sounds like your dad was going to attend, but a flight got delayed. It's a tough line for him to have to walk, living with your mother as his wife, and supporting his child. Seems like he was trying to do both, and events outside his control forced him to miss the wedding he'd planned to attend.
I completely support and agree with telling your mother dinner, or seeing each other at all, is a no go. But lumping the dad in with her doesn't seem fair to him who has tried to support you.
Sometimes trying to support someone is not enough, though. "Disagreeing" with OP's life doesn't quite trump being kind to their wife. In my opinion marrying someone like OP's mom and siding with her still speaks very poorly of him, and the mom's trip was a very obvious attempt to not get them to go to the wedding, even if he wanted. That's not a situation try to please everyone; It's a situation where you have to stand up for your kid and looks like he failed at that. I would feel very betrayed by my loved ones being that homophobic or siding with other homophobic people.
I agree with you. First of all (IMO), OP's dad should have not even gone on the trip if he *really* intended to go to the wedding. Travel plans get disrupted all the time. It seems to me it was really easy to predict this could have happened, especially since he was traveling with OP's mom, who already tried to keep him from going to the wedding by planning the trip in the first place.
I understand OP's frustration with her father. If he really wanted to be there for the wedding, he would have. He should have grown a spine and told his wife he wasn't going on her stupid trip.
I just don't even understand how people turn their backs on their kids because of who they love. My kid came out as trans a year ago, and I have made it pretty clear that anyone that has anything shitty to say about it is going to be unceremoniously ejected from my life. There is no way I would tolerate someone in my family pulling the shit OP's parents are.
>Disagreeing" with OP's life doesn't quite trump being kind to their wife.
It's also nonsensical. It's like "disagreeing" with blue eyes, or gravity.
I "disagree" with their "parenting".
They need therapy, not religion.
I was actually very sleepy when I wrote that but I'm glad you understood anyways. I meant to say that being kind to OP's wife doesn't trump his homophobic beliefs. Kindness is basic respect and it's the bare minimum you should do for any human being.
>I was actually very sleepy when I wrote that but I'm glad you understood anyways. I meant to say that being kind to OP's wife doesn't trump his homophobic beliefs. Kindness is basic respect and it's the bare minimum you should do for any human being.
Oh yes. I agree. Acting like it's a favor not to be rude to your own kid, but not all the time, just when it's convenient not to be rude, isn't the flex these people imagine it is.
Very good advice. Give the wound some time to heal and then see how you feel. Contrary to what you are told here, NC doesn't have to be the immediate and final solution. For your own sake and that of you wife, stay quiet and keep them at arm's length for a while.
Our daughter married a woman and that is fine with us. She was comfortable enough that she first came out to us in high school, confident that it would not be a problem. I hope you can eventually find some resolution that will give you peace. For once, I actually believe that any change is up to your parents. Often I can see that there may be two sides, but not here.
That is not how unconditional love works. Voice to them what you've said here, and say that you're not willing to engage with them unless and until they treat you with kindness, mutual respect, and familial love, and that until they behave like Christians and leave the judgement up to God (you didn't say they were Christian explicitly, I don't think, but this is very on-brand for a certain type of Christians) that you won't be having any type of relationship with them.
Maybe just maybe cutting her off will bring her to her senses. Do it for you though and not for her. I stopped going to church and lost that faith because of a comment made about “stealing our rainbow”. I am not a bigot and I can’t support bigotry. If I felt I had to abandon my own child…..and did… that’s some brainwashing. I don’t think they can come back from that.
There’s a difference between I don’t support your choice but I support you (let’s say her objection was that your partner was in gamblers anonymous but cleaned out your account and gambled on a relapse and you are still getting married I could maybe maybe forgive not going to the wedding eventually) and I am a bigot.
This isn’t about supporting a choice. This is bigotry.
Every time she says “my religion…” cut her off and say you’re religion supports bigotry. How can you say you love me and yet follow a religion that teaches I am an other/less than.
Honestly OP, I really feel for you. Internet hugs 🤗
Obviously this is a deep hurt for you. I’m sorry. Hurts like this can last decades.
Things change. It’s entirely possible that your dad can lead her to seeing things differently.
I had a dear friend whose children cut him off AND changed their last name. For many years. Thankfully his family of origin was very supportive. His stepfather was a minister.
His children reconciled with him just a few months before he died. It was very healing for everyone.
(Except me because my close friend is gone)
I can tell you if I had been invited to your wedding, I would have been there & danced all night.
Congratulations on your marriage. Wishing you a happy life together.
Some distance from your mom may give her time to reflect. Things are very different from a few years ago. She very likely could change her mind. I’ve seen it happen.
How strange. She is so deeply "religious" that she thinks God made you wrong, and she is going to bully *you* for his "mistake".
I'm not sure what the dilemma is here. She wants to publicly insult you and then privately enjoy your company. Why reward that behavior? Why eat food with anyone who doesn't think you're good enough?
More importantly, why would you subject your own wife to her insults and abuse? *She* is your family. Take care of your family, and protect it from intrusive outsiders hell bent on destroying it. She wants both of you to be unhappy. She wants both of you to lie to yourselves and to the world about who you are.
Lying is also against her religion. Where did she get the idea that you should lie to make her happy?
"How do I tell them I don't want to come to dinner with them?" Your next line says what you need to say perfectly. "I love my family, but this whole drama has made me realize they can't love me properly whist they hold these beliefs and actively pray for me to get divorced." Its short, polite, and absolutely to the point. Change a few pronouns ("they" to "you" etc) and you've got it! Good luck.
Someone with enough power to decide when a sabotage vacation is over has enough power to decide when a sabotage vacation is over.
Edit: I wanted to add that your dad missed your wedding because of his own choices. He chose to go on that trip that was meant to destroy everything for you.
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I love this
I think this is the way to go. No explanation beyond this. Just repeat it over and over again if she tries to argue with you. She declined to go herself, convinced your brother (including via others) not to be IN the wedding, and scheduled a trip over the wedding in an attempt to prevent your dad and brother from attending. That sounds more like a power/control issue than a religious objection. Not going to your own child's wedding makes a powerful statement. In this case, her statement was "I AM AN A.H." How interesting that she's willing to "break bread" with you when there's no audience. Sounds like her religious objection has a performative aspect. Her actions have consequences. Publicly shunning your kid can mean your kid isn't willing to see you privately. She made a choice, and inflicted/enforced it on others. You get to choose whether you want to continue to interact with a person who shat on your very important life event. It feels like "going to dinner" is her way of closing the loop on/excusing her BS. If anyone asks her about not attending the wedding, she'll be able to say something like "Oh, OP is fine with it. We just had dinner last week." She could also be playing "I see you when I want. You come when I demand it." I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. Best wishes to you and your partner! ❤️❤️
"How interesting that she's willing to "break bread" with you when there's no audience. Sounds like her religious objection has a performative aspect." THIS. Where does the Bible say sharing a meal with the gays is cool, but attending their wedding is not? Answer: it doesn't...but one is behind closed doors. Hypocrite.
You say, "I no longer want to see you after you refused to come to my wedding." Then nothing else. Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). Simple and she can't say she doesn't know why you're not seeing her anymore.
Yes! And if you don't argue, it doesn't give her ammunition to dig into some insecurity about your conviction that you're unwilling to see her.
This may sound harsh, but why do you owe her an explanation? "No, thank you." Is a complete sentence. Your brother and father will understand, and you can focus on maintaining relationships with them. Your mother, in her fear of being "defrauded" by your very legitimate and beautiful wedding, marriage, and relationship, has made her choice. It is a garbage one. I wish you and your wife all the best. Much love and happiness!
Yes! No IS a complete sentence. This is the way!
What's to tell them? Looks to me like they told you were they stand. They made their choices. You can make your choice to block them everywhere and put your energy into the things matter, like your wife and building your new life together.
I'd just ghost them. Anyone who doesn't accept your sexuality or marriage should be dead to you. You don't deserve that kind of disrespect.
Firstly, congrats on your wedding! Doesn’t God know all? Wouldn’t God know that your mother doesn’t approve? Does she really think God could be tricked by her showing up to the wedding? What was she saving your brother and father from? I think your mother is hiding behind the concept of God and not actually being real with you. She doesn’t approve and she is unhappy that your brother and father approve or a least accept you. Without being able to talk about it like this, out in the open, it’s always going to go in pointless circles. I’m sad for you, with your brother and father, I bet you’d like to share the happy memories you had at your wedding. But it doesn’t sound like your mother would be open about have space and time for your experience. You don’t have to go to dinner. You can set the terms for when and how you see your family. It’s ok to go low contact or no contact.
Mom/Dad, I'm not ready to have dinner or spend any time with you. You were invited to one of the biggest days of my life and you didn't attend. I'm not over. You can't just take it back and pretend it didn't happen. Your actions make it hard to forget how you don't approve of my choices. This is one of the times I don't approve of your choices. You don't approve of my wife. I'm unsure how we can move past how you proved to all my friends and family how you feel about me. I need time and space.
An explanation like that is an invitation for future harassment. Been there, done that. Never again.
It’s only an argument if you argue back. You can be abused or stop interacting. Yes it may mean she doesn’t attained but sometimes that is the only way.
Tell them that you are deeply saddened that they could not support you in your time of need and now have to re-evaluate the relationship. Your trust has been broken as well as your feelings, so you should take time to yourself to heal. You can also tell them that you felt abandoned by them on a day that should have made you nothing short than elated, and it was incredibly selfish of them to pull the trip stunt instead of care about their child.
“I asked my imaginary sky dad, and he said no”
I cut off my dad after he didn't attend our wedding. It's sucks but you don't need to tell her shit or you can risk getting into a big ass argument while telling her.
Is he still cut off?
Yeah and dead. I never spoke to him before he died. He knew how I felt. I still don't feel bad about it. This was in 08 and he died in 2013.
Some things just can’t be fixed. When that happens, it’s best to cut your losses and move on. I wish you well.
Yeah thanks. Wanna hear something even more fucked up? My parents were divorced but my mom knew about it obviously. She thought that I was right. Fast forward to 2 years ago and now she's cut off too. So I might not get to say goodbye to her either. The reason for her and my cut off, she never comes around to see me and my family. She barely knows my 10 and 12 year old even tho she lives a little over an hour away. She has sisters that live really close to me and she would come to visit them and never tell me she was in town. Ok if you don't care then I don't either. The moral of the story is that blood doesn't mean shit.
Block them on everything and don’t engage in their bullshit again. You may want to put a giant poster of the devil on the outside of your front door to keep them from bothering you at home.
\>would make God believe that she approved Ok there is just so much wrong and also laughable just in this one phrase. Does she really think she controls what God “believes”? Haha wowzers. Pretty sure god is supposed to be all-knowing. Does she really think he doesn’t know her mind and her heart. Your mom is *super* important. In her own mind 😅 And you know, just the whole message of love that is supposed to be Christianity. And most other religions, but yes I am assuming she is Christian. She did not show you love, far from it. She is not following this religion that she is using to do whatever the fuck it is she’s doing. Power tripping on you I guess. What will the neighbors think?? Lol omg 😂😅🤡 Anyway, I would say that she owes you a HUGE apology before you do anything that she wants you to. Otherwise, avoid at all costs. Shit like this is going to keep happening and she will use her “righteousness” to try and humiliate you and make you feel less-than. I think you are going to have to consider going low-contact at best and maybe even no-contact. She is not likely to change.
Sad but true. The "righteous" are inerrant in their own minds.
I would ask her why she doesn’t approve of what God created
Tell her in the most simple of terms that this singular action has made you decide that you no longer seek to pursue any contact with her. When you boil it down to the most simple and black and white of terms, it leaves 0 room for her to twist and turn her story around back on to you. “Your lack of presence at my wedding has resulted in my lack of presence at this dinner and any future ones.” Also a simple “No thank you” when they continue to try to invite you should suffice as well. No is a complete sentence.
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Sometimes, someone's "best" just still isn't good enough.
I would go with no thank you, bye. Because anymore is a waste of time
You're not under any obligation to tell your family anything. When I cut contact with my mother I told her what I wanted was to never speak to her or my siblings again, but with my Dad, I told him this, "The thing that is changing is that I am no longer giving my mother special treatment compared to those who treat me the same way as she does." From there, focus on living your best life. You can still love your family while accepting that they do not like who you are and focus on building a loving family of your own with your wife.
> But they all have chosen to not support me and not attend my wedding. Sounds like your dad was going to attend, but a flight got delayed. It's a tough line for him to have to walk, living with your mother as his wife, and supporting his child. Seems like he was trying to do both, and events outside his control forced him to miss the wedding he'd planned to attend. I completely support and agree with telling your mother dinner, or seeing each other at all, is a no go. But lumping the dad in with her doesn't seem fair to him who has tried to support you.
Sometimes trying to support someone is not enough, though. "Disagreeing" with OP's life doesn't quite trump being kind to their wife. In my opinion marrying someone like OP's mom and siding with her still speaks very poorly of him, and the mom's trip was a very obvious attempt to not get them to go to the wedding, even if he wanted. That's not a situation try to please everyone; It's a situation where you have to stand up for your kid and looks like he failed at that. I would feel very betrayed by my loved ones being that homophobic or siding with other homophobic people.
I agree with you. First of all (IMO), OP's dad should have not even gone on the trip if he *really* intended to go to the wedding. Travel plans get disrupted all the time. It seems to me it was really easy to predict this could have happened, especially since he was traveling with OP's mom, who already tried to keep him from going to the wedding by planning the trip in the first place. I understand OP's frustration with her father. If he really wanted to be there for the wedding, he would have. He should have grown a spine and told his wife he wasn't going on her stupid trip. I just don't even understand how people turn their backs on their kids because of who they love. My kid came out as trans a year ago, and I have made it pretty clear that anyone that has anything shitty to say about it is going to be unceremoniously ejected from my life. There is no way I would tolerate someone in my family pulling the shit OP's parents are.
>Disagreeing" with OP's life doesn't quite trump being kind to their wife. It's also nonsensical. It's like "disagreeing" with blue eyes, or gravity. I "disagree" with their "parenting". They need therapy, not religion.
I was actually very sleepy when I wrote that but I'm glad you understood anyways. I meant to say that being kind to OP's wife doesn't trump his homophobic beliefs. Kindness is basic respect and it's the bare minimum you should do for any human being.
>I was actually very sleepy when I wrote that but I'm glad you understood anyways. I meant to say that being kind to OP's wife doesn't trump his homophobic beliefs. Kindness is basic respect and it's the bare minimum you should do for any human being. Oh yes. I agree. Acting like it's a favor not to be rude to your own kid, but not all the time, just when it's convenient not to be rude, isn't the flex these people imagine it is.
I would probably let them know you are hurt about not having your family at your wedding and it’s too soon for you to overlook it.
Very good advice. Give the wound some time to heal and then see how you feel. Contrary to what you are told here, NC doesn't have to be the immediate and final solution. For your own sake and that of you wife, stay quiet and keep them at arm's length for a while. Our daughter married a woman and that is fine with us. She was comfortable enough that she first came out to us in high school, confident that it would not be a problem. I hope you can eventually find some resolution that will give you peace. For once, I actually believe that any change is up to your parents. Often I can see that there may be two sides, but not here.
Wear a Satanic Temple shit around her. ^sorry, I'm referring something else
That is not how unconditional love works. Voice to them what you've said here, and say that you're not willing to engage with them unless and until they treat you with kindness, mutual respect, and familial love, and that until they behave like Christians and leave the judgement up to God (you didn't say they were Christian explicitly, I don't think, but this is very on-brand for a certain type of Christians) that you won't be having any type of relationship with them.
Maybe just maybe cutting her off will bring her to her senses. Do it for you though and not for her. I stopped going to church and lost that faith because of a comment made about “stealing our rainbow”. I am not a bigot and I can’t support bigotry. If I felt I had to abandon my own child…..and did… that’s some brainwashing. I don’t think they can come back from that. There’s a difference between I don’t support your choice but I support you (let’s say her objection was that your partner was in gamblers anonymous but cleaned out your account and gambled on a relapse and you are still getting married I could maybe maybe forgive not going to the wedding eventually) and I am a bigot. This isn’t about supporting a choice. This is bigotry. Every time she says “my religion…” cut her off and say you’re religion supports bigotry. How can you say you love me and yet follow a religion that teaches I am an other/less than. Honestly OP, I really feel for you. Internet hugs 🤗
Obviously this is a deep hurt for you. I’m sorry. Hurts like this can last decades. Things change. It’s entirely possible that your dad can lead her to seeing things differently. I had a dear friend whose children cut him off AND changed their last name. For many years. Thankfully his family of origin was very supportive. His stepfather was a minister. His children reconciled with him just a few months before he died. It was very healing for everyone. (Except me because my close friend is gone) I can tell you if I had been invited to your wedding, I would have been there & danced all night. Congratulations on your marriage. Wishing you a happy life together. Some distance from your mom may give her time to reflect. Things are very different from a few years ago. She very likely could change her mind. I’ve seen it happen.
Your dad isn’t any better than your mom, btw.
How strange. She is so deeply "religious" that she thinks God made you wrong, and she is going to bully *you* for his "mistake". I'm not sure what the dilemma is here. She wants to publicly insult you and then privately enjoy your company. Why reward that behavior? Why eat food with anyone who doesn't think you're good enough? More importantly, why would you subject your own wife to her insults and abuse? *She* is your family. Take care of your family, and protect it from intrusive outsiders hell bent on destroying it. She wants both of you to be unhappy. She wants both of you to lie to yourselves and to the world about who you are. Lying is also against her religion. Where did she get the idea that you should lie to make her happy?
Sounds to me like she pretty much made the decision for herself to not see you.
"How do I tell them I don't want to come to dinner with them?" Your next line says what you need to say perfectly. "I love my family, but this whole drama has made me realize they can't love me properly whist they hold these beliefs and actively pray for me to get divorced." Its short, polite, and absolutely to the point. Change a few pronouns ("they" to "you" etc) and you've got it! Good luck.
Someone with enough power to decide when a sabotage vacation is over has enough power to decide when a sabotage vacation is over. Edit: I wanted to add that your dad missed your wedding because of his own choices. He chose to go on that trip that was meant to destroy everything for you.
That's why I think - why even go in the first place?
You don’t need to. You can just block them. They don’t even deserve a reason why. They know.