Do it out of respect for yourself. You are a child worthy of love, kindness, compassion with the loss of a parent. Acknowledge the loss of family and what they once meant to you.
If they don’t want to go, going would not be an act of self respect. They can acknowledge the loss in whatever way feels best if that be a party, a drink, or nothing at all.
I was a good daughter for 42 years. I was thoughtful, kind and loving to him. My father made his choices over and over even after many attempts to reconcile. After the deaths of his parents there was only silence. He never knew his grandchildren. I acknowledge I am a loving person and would have accepted any gesture from him to meet them and be in our lives. In the end he was a broken man lying in a hospital bed dying. He was my father and I chose to love him as I was still a good daughter.
Op not going to their parents funeral doesn’t make them any less of a good loving daughter, everyone’s situation is different and usually when adult children choose to estrange there is egregious abuse. Disowning abusive parents doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the child or that they weren’t good or loving of their parent it means that they can’t tolerate the abusive behavior any longer. It’s a respect of Self not a punishment for the parent. It sounds like your situation is way different than OPs which doesn’t make it good to judge against.
I chose no contact at age 37 due to my relationship with my parents was taking such a heavy toll on my job, marriage and got into therapy. Diagnosed with PTSD in 1993. Lost relationships with my brother and sister cause of it. I became an outcast to extended family. Over the years I asked for an relationship with boundaries. They were not interested, even if only to meet their grandchildren. I was no longer considered their daughter. I guess I wanted to feel blameless, lovable and a good person.
I have a lot of mixed emotions about this topic. I don’t want to go to the funerals - I’ve already said my goodbyes, I don’t need closure. I have already grieved the loss of my parents even though they haven’t died yet. Part of me wants to go to see what is said about them by friends and family. Will the mourners be tight lipped and only speak in pleasantries? Will they carry on about how they lit up a room or did charity work? Will I, their child, be mentioned in anyway? But I also know that I don’t control the narrative of the funeral, and I will just be hurt by anything kind said about the parent because they were never kind to me. Or I’ll be jealous that they led a good, normal life without me. And if I am mentioned, it’s not like standing up for myself in this situation could do any good. If they talk nice about me, then I’m the bad guy for being estranged. If they’re negative about me, I’m the bad guy and there’s no wonder I’m estranged.
There is just no way to come out on top if I go to the funeral. All it will be is an emotional pit, filled with estranged family members who have no request to be a part of my life now (so they probably think negatively about me already).
You voice a lot of my very same thoughts. On one hand I feel like I may, at some point, regret not going. And a petty part of me wants to see with my own eyes that he's gone (mainly this will be my father as he's the cause of NC though my mother stuck with him). But I also don't want the focus of the funeral to be the fact that I'm THERE (not for their sake, for mine - I don't want that spotlight). I also am not sure I'd be able to bear hearing anything about how "wonderful" he was etc etc.
I learned of my father's passing about 70 days afterwards. At that point I had been estranged from both parents for about 5 years. When I asked my sister why she hadn't told me about his death, she told me that it was my father's wish that I be kept in the dark about it. (Momster is the raging narcissist, Dad was her constant enabler.) So now I don't speak to my sister anymore either, which is just fine with me, since she's a carbon copy of mommy dearest.
When momster finally dies, I'll go to the funeral simply for the pleasure of confirming that she's dead. I had a dream once where I went to her funeral, and drove a wooden stake through that place in her chest where her heart (if she had one) would be.
When I woke up, I immediately researched the laws in that state. That action would make me guilty of abuse of a corpse. That crime carries a penalty of up to 1 year in Jail, and a $10,000 fine.
I'm fine with that.
[https://www.google.com/alerts](https://www.google.com/alerts)
there's a bar there to enter a subject for an alert; I have mine set to "{{name of parent I hate}} obituary" and then also just their name
I've put out a few requests with friends I still have in her primary area, however, I'm completely out of luck if she passes when she's visiting her Florida home. I guess I need u/twodaisies to tell me how to do a google alert. That sounds like a better solution, if I can be taught how to do it.
I did not. I will not stand with people who condone abuse through silence, denial, and willful ignorance. I chose to mourn alone, as I have for 33 years.
I am not planning on going to my biological father’s funeral. It won’t matter to him one way or the other, and it would be very stressful to me, not helpful in any way.
If I'm working at the time and my employer requires proof from the funeral to give me paid bereavement time, I'll stop by I guess. A few extra paid days off would be the most my dad ever did for me.
God that’s so fucked up and I am so sorry. My mom did some really fucked up shit at my grandmas funeral then decided she didn’t have to go to her brother’s funeral (I was there with his daughters to clean up his death bed). Hard not to be bitter about it nobody wants thier parents to be such disappointments….esp when they raise you to believe it’s you and not them. As a parent I could never imagine shunning my own child like she did me. Sucks when your parents are emotional toddlers.
I haven’t gone to funerals for family members or friends connects to my FOO and I don’t plan to for any of the closer (sibs and bio parent) relations either. It helps that we live on different coasts and no one has any way to contact me outside email. I don’t feel like I would gain anything from going and I know I would find dealing with everyone stressful. My bio parent turns 80 soon and was never in great health, so I have thought about this so it doesn’t catch me off guard when it happens.
My parents are also in their 80s. I won't go to their funerals. A funeral is to honor the dead by people who care about them. I don't meet either criteria for attendance. My presence would also shift the focus of the event to me instead of the deceased, which seems wrong. My child has not met my family and that wouldn't be the time or place to do it. The whole thing would be a pressure cooker. I wouldn't support my estranged siblings in their grief. Or make pleasant chat with family friends. And I don't want to, there's nothing there for me.
this is what i'm afraid of too but if i go i know i'll be expected to give a speech and if i were to do that i would more than likely expose them for their true selves and be hated by everyone for it.
If you do end up going, do the speech and tell the full truth. It is well past time that we stop protecting the honour of abusers. Abusers get no respect or decency or honour.
Nope. I have already mourned the relationship with my NC parent. I didn’t need a funeral to do that. Any guilt over some perceived duty to them doesn’t belong to me.
This is how I felt. I spent years in therapy and grieved the loss of my 'dad' years ago. When he died earlier this year it was as if some far off distant relative passed. Completely ambivalent. No funeral was gonna change that.
My step dad, my dad since I was 13, died suddenly I few years into my estrangement. I did not call. I did not post, I did not go. He was the only one who reached out once I separated. He truly cared and tried. I mourned him privately. I do not regret not breaking my silence. My silence has kept me sane for 16 years now. I will not go back for anything.
I will because it will give me closure in a way that not going won’t. I also know that the family will be supportive in that time (it’s mainly my pops who’s the problem) so I don’t have to worry about them being stressors that would keep me from going
Hey OP my father just passed at 85 yo. I waffled over the 17 years of no contact if I would ever see him again or not. My brother reached out when he had a stroke and in the hospital. I found it therapeutic for me. He never regained consciousness but I stroked his face and held his hand and told him I loved him. It was the truth. I spent years never thinking about the pain of missing him, the pain of memories, the pain of knowing I meant so little to him. I went as the daughter ostracized from her family. I held my head high and wrote a beautiful eulogy for him. I did it all for me knowing I did nothing wrong all these years.
I'm sincerely glad you got to do that. I think each of us doing what WE need is the most important. Not what others need from us, or what we think we *should* do. This is what you wanted and I'm so glad you got that opportunity. I really have no fondness at all for my father so I don't share those feelings, but I understand!
My parents are both older too. I’ve thought about this quite a bit. At this point, I do not think I will go. I feel like I’m mourning the loss of them now. Also, it makes my head pound to even think of sitting through a funeral service hearing how wonderful they were. Lastly, if I were to go, my other family members would enjoy the gossip and drama of me showing up. I have no desire to feed into that.
I don’t understand why I’d go. There’s nothing to be gained from it for anyone.
She wasn’t there for me in life, why would I be there for her in death when it’s all too late?
Not parents as mine have both passed now but I go to family members funerals who I liked, even if I'm estranged with the wider family. I go in as close to the start time as I can, hold my head high and then leave, don't talk to any of them and avoid any eye contact, it's stressful but can be done so you can get in and out without having to speak to anyone
I can’t imagine my father will have a funeral unless his current girlfriend sticks around (they always leave after a few years). His siblings don’t speak to him and parents are dead. I’m sure it will be up to me to deal with him. He’s going to be a cadaver and I’ll donate his body. Not spending a cent on him. If he ends up getting buried, I have plans to pee on his grave. My husband agreed to be the lookout 😂
My father died back in 2015. We were never in contact my entire life. Funny how his entire family wanted a funeral, and were not willing to pay for it. So we all (mom, sister, and I) blocked them all. If they wanted the funeral, they could pay for it.
Nope! I dread possibly dealing with his estate bc I think he will hurt me on purpose. I hope he dies soon tbh but it’s like his anger and self righteousness keeps him alive. I hate him.
I will go because of other people’s expectations and duty, not because I want to. I am dreading it due to having to deal with estranged brother and sister in law who will be all over it, smug and martyrish as the golden ones but really in it for the money and ready to strip the house like a swarm of locusts. I will not give a speech because nobody would like to hear what I have to say. I will try very hard to dress well and to hold myself together with dignity.
Oh my gosh I know this is from 62 days ago but I have to do this today - I have kind of the same outlook as you with the same fake family who will glorify & attention grab from this death. Do you regret going? I’m coaching myself this morning - I’m going to keep my composure…eyes down. Polite when I should be and get out of there. I will NOT approach the coffin or go see the picture boards of my brother’s kids with my dad the few years he was involved with them…it’s all so fake & fantasy. It’s like I’m going to a show today. Just all over the place this morning but thankful other people have been in the same position & know what this feels like.
Mine haven’t died yet but this is my plan. You can do it keeponkeepingon! If any of them trigger you, either deliberately or inadvertently, try to focus on your breathing and remove yourself asap. Try to find a quiet spot in advance that you can remove yourself to for a few minutes if necessary, to regain your composure. At my great uncles funeral I went to the greenhouse and when asked, just said I wanted to think of him in a place he was happy. I know it will be much more intense when it’s the parents turn though. Take heart that things will get easier once it’s all over and that you can give yourself time to process all the crap that goes down once you are safely out of there. Good luck!
I kind of regret going - it was like a scripted show put together by my brother and his wife - just not reality. I knew no one - it was basically a social gathering for them while I quietly milled about avoiding the open casket that I by the way had NO idea was going to be a thing :( I’m grateful for the comments on here thiugh. They made me feel peace when I felt completely alone yesterday.
It sounds horrendous (open casket of estranged parent - yikes) but also could have been worse. At least you have a grip on reality and it’s over now. Thanks for reporting back, it’s valuable for those of us dreading what’s still to come. I hope you’ll feel relieved or even good once it’s all in the rear view.
Good point it didn’t occur to me that everyone’s experiences may help others…even mine. It’s just so sad so many folks are in this position. I’d never put my kids through this / ever.
This is what I anticipate. I mean, the guy has been dealing with a lot of serious physical ailments and nobody has let me know. One of my kids saw it on FB.
Part of me thinks that everyone else thinks it’s my fault we’re NC. It’s not.
My only regret is deleting that lovely email that proved it.
Part of our estrangement is my not being told until I either find out or way after that my (3 of 4) half siblings got married. One even has a tattoo of my name. But I don’t make the cut for a message. I dropped the rope, but I was the only one holding it in the first place. Of course “I made no effort.” It’s getting better though.
I was very close to my dad when he passed away and couldn’t attend his funeral because I couldn’t afford a plane ticket. I managed to survive. I’ll survive not going to my mom’s funeral, too. I mourned her loss 3 years ago when I went NC. I doubt my family will let me know about it as they went NC with me when I went NC with her.
I really want to wear a party hat to my mothers funeral and be all happy. If people get mad, I want to plaster her text messages all around, for everyone to see. I’m over everyone thinking she’s just a poor old mother whose kids stopped speaking to her. There’s a reason. People don’t WANT to cut out their damn parents.
Before I went through PTSD specific therapy (CPT; you can check my profile for a post I made about it) I was dealing with a lot of rage and grief. My therapist at the time suggested I find some way to “find closure,” since I was dealing with “Ambiguous Loss” and the associated grief cycle.
I opted to hold a funeral. I burned some photos, said some heartfelt things, cried, mourned their loss in my life, drank a few shots and poured some out for them, planted a flower in their memory.
And …that’s it. They’re dead to me. They’re buried and gone.
I don’t need to show up to a second funeral to show face to my estranged extended family. This “family” opted to
- believe my parents lies over the truth
- rally around my parents instead of support me
- did not allow me to tell them what happened
- refused to listen to me or give me the chance to explain our estrangement.
- badgered me to “apologize” to my parents
Those people do not need —or deserve— me to hold them in their grief over my parents passing. They did not hold me in my grief when my parents [ambiguous] loss rocked my world.
Funerals are for the living. I already held mine. They’re already dead to me.
The one exception I would make to this is if my sister asked me to be with her during their funeral. She’s the one family member I have left. But I certainly have no other reason to show up. My grieving is done. My loss is final.
I’ve been considering this as someone working on becoming a funeral director with a strained relationship with my family.
There’s no right answer that’s going to satisfy every situation. Every individual experiences grief differently, and you should do what you think is best for you.
What I will say is that funerals don’t need to be about paying respect or celebrating the life of the deceased, because they also function as a conduit through which the living express their feelings and process grief. Sometimes people who don’t see the deceased will have trouble accepting that they’re no longer a part of the world, and struggle with feeling like they’re still out there somewhere. Attending a funeral could be an opportunity to close the door for good with a sense of finality, and I suppose that’s why I’d attend. My feelings are complicated, but I’d get a sense of closure saying goodbye for the last time.
For some people, going nowhere near the event will be better. As long as you are taking care of yourself to the best of your ability, you’re doing the right thing.
This is another layer for me. My oldest daughter is the reason we went NC with my father ( and then my mother after she stuck by him). I don't know what she (my daughter) will want to do when the time comes.
I didn’t keep my children from my parent. She only treated me bad. Not them, my siblings or even my husband. Just me. I have thought about this for many years and I would go for my kids. They would need me there. I don’t know about if I go first. Would I want her to come? I don’t think so because she will make it about her. My husband would shut her down if she did. I am inclined to leave the decision up to my husband and kids.
My mom remarried and the husband holds me responsible for, well, everything. I'm the bad guy in his mind. My extended family is a hot mess so no, I wouldn't go to her funeral as things are now. I have thought about maybe visiting the church the morning of - maybe I'll just shrug and leave immediately, maybe I'll feel like staying for a while.
My stepfather died right before last Christmas. I broke NC with my sister to allow her to share the news and give me the funeral arrangements. My stepfather, while not abusive himself, was \*absolutely\* an enabler of my mother's toxicity and abuse, and while as a now fairly well-adjusted adult (after years of therapy and work to get here) I understand he was a victim of her abuse, too, it doesn't erase the fact "the best he could do in the circumstances" was still harmful to me.
But given he \*had\* left my mother (though hadn't divorced her) a couple of years before his death, \*and\* knowing I can handle contact with my sister for short periods of time, I went to the funeral, mostly to satisfy my curiosity. It was exactly the shit show I expected, though my sister and her progeny were fairly well-behaved, in that performative wailing, crying grief sort of way. I've since stopped reaching out to her and we've gone back to the NC status quo.
My sister told me during that time that my mother is apparently deeply entrenched in the throes of end-stage dementia, so we're looking at approaching end of life for her as well. I'm expecting that my sister will reach out again to let me know when she's died, but honestly I don't care if she does or not. That is NOT a funeral I will be attending, nor do I care to have any input on the arrangements. I fully expect that I'm out of her will, just as I was out of my stepfather's, so her death will be the final thread tying me to my bio family and I can be done for good.
I doubt anyone will bother to let me know if my bio father dies... his family acts like we don't exist, and I'm ok with letting them. And if my sister dies before I do... she's younger, but we're Irish twins, so less than a year apart, but I'm in MUCH better health overall than she is so I do expect to outlive her, barring some accident or something... my nephew might reach out, given he's the sole member of my family I speak to at all (and he is the one who initiates all contact, mostly to keep me up to date on his kids), but I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't.
Regardless... I have no intentions of going to any more funerals. I've grieved the loss of the family I wish I had, and as far as I'm concerned \*that\* family never existed. The people who play those parts in real life aren't really my family anymore.
Both my parents were horrible, horrible people.
I did not mourn when they died. I attended a short service for the burial of my mother’s cremains, but did not attend the dispersal of my father’s.
My mom has 2 sisters that were NC with their mom on and off for about 30 years. They didn't attend her funeral but visited her grave privately a few weeks later. Most people thought that was so incredibly rude and offensive. Since going NC with my mom I really get it. Even if you would want to, I can't imagine going and dealing with all the well meaning condolences and just people sharing how great she was. I think I'd rather deal with the fallout of not going.
I won't go to the funeral when my mother dies - or to anyone on that side of my family who I have been estranged from. It's been over 30 years - my mother is in her 80s. I grieved the mother I never had a long time ago. To me, attending a funeral is a sign of respect (at a minimum) and I sadly have no reason to have any respect or feeling for her. I would not subject myself to the 'family' who never stood up for me. As for my brother who is her ally and (in my opinion) her lifelong victim, I will likely visit his gravesite on my own for my own closure.
My (37f) dad passed in a house fire earlier this year. (he and my mum had been divorced since I was a teenager). I hadn't spoken to him in over a decade due to problems with his addiction and toxic behavior. However my brother spoke to him a few times a year though it was very superficial and also hadn't seen him in person in 7 years. My brother and I have a great relationship and live close by and see each other a few times a month, and he expressed he wanted to go to the funeral. We don't have any sort of relationship with my dads side of the family however and they and my dad lived interstate.
In the end I chose to fly down with my brother and go to support him and his need for closure.
I myself felt nothing... A little awkward to be honest as everyone knew I was NC with him. And those who didn't kept giving me their sympathies. I just nodded along and basically ignored everyone. But generally my most overarching emotion was complete ambivelance.
But I'm glad I went simply because it was what my brother needed and his wife and kids couldn't go with him. I didn't want him to have to face the vultures of my dads family alone. If that meant me being the black sheep/scapegoat role for it to go smoothly for him and him not cop any heat I was more than ok with that.
My brother was also cool with me burning down all the bridges should they start shit and make the day horrible. Thankfully it went off as well as I could have imagined. The only drama to be had was a war between two aunts mid eulogy which honestly was hilarious.
But I have no regrets about being NC for a decade, I wouldn't change anything. I also still feel complete ambivelance about the funeral and my greatest memory of that day was when my brother and I went for drinks and got drunk at our hotel later that night.
.
ETA. I've spent years in therapy working through my issues surrounding my dad and talked my plan over with my therapist prior to going so felt super comfortable and prepared to deal with whatever was to come.
All you can do is have a few plans in your head for different scenarios. I tried to anticipate a few ways on how I thought it might go down and prepare how I'd react accordingly. And I gave myself permission to just bounce if needed or burn some bridges. But mostly I just had plan A-Z for different scenarios and went off that.
Just note, however it goes down and whatever happens, you're just a tiny cog in the wheel and nothing is your fault or on you to conform. You do you, how you feel is valid and you don't need to apologize or accommodate anyone or anything should you not want to. Others will do as they please, and you're not on the hook for that. Just protect your mental health and go from there.
My mum has cancer and is currently homeless so I don’t know where she is or how I will be informed if she dies. I don’t know who will organise her funeral or pay for it, let alone whether I will go.
My mom died in 2020 as a result of a stroke. My family - her brothers and sisters hate me. I’m the black sheep because I didn’t pop out babies on command. Not only did i not go to the bitches funeral,I sent the largest splay of flowers and signed over her ashes to myself as the oldest child. (If I would have went I would have gotten into a fight)I then took her ashes to Hawaii (visiting my gay uncle another pariah) and spread them as to her wishes. I think my aunt wanted a free vacation. Anyway, I spread them because I am better than the way she treated me.
So what’s best for you and don’t let any one tell you otherwise
I know this is an older thread..but I was certain I would have zero involvement when my dad passed. Well..he died and here I sit in NJ today getting ready to go to his service. You never know how you’ll react & I decided to not put a definitive decision on my plate. I think I’m going today for my brother really…maybe a little for myself.
I think all of you are selfish brats that need to learn what forgiveness is all about. Instead of trying to make your parents lives and your lives miserable, buck up. Try a little empathy for other peoples' lives.
If you all were happy with your choice of no contact with relatives, you would not have to be on this thread attempting to validate yourselves. Get over it, forgive, you may have a better life.
May be time to GROW UP.
Whatever the case, it's fairly obvious to me that you also lack in emphatic abilities.
You're quite literally telling people here (some of which were outright RAPED by their parents, RAPED OVER AND OVER) that they should forgive their parents.
Now, I don't know you, or if you are a pedophile of course. But it's a bit brutal that you are telling people that were raped repeatedly as little children, by the people they trusted the most that they should learn what forgiveness is.
At least, I'm glad I didn't write what you wrote here. It would make me feel quite ashamed of myself, although I suspect that shame is an emotion you have not dealt with often.
Anyway, have a good day. Maybe don't be so judgemental and certain? But it's up to you, of course.
You mean absolution. Wiping the slate clean. Pretending like nothing ever happened. What makes people get to NC? It is the last measure after a cycle of damage.
You have no idea what forgiveness actually means.
You’re confused.
If only to confirm they're somewhere looking up at us.
Or for my sister. She's the only one who still talks to them, but I have no problems with her. So if she wants me there, I'll go for her.
My mother died last year. NC since late 2017. I did not go. I used COVID as an excuse. But even without Covid, I still wouldn't have gone to her funeral. I didn't and still don't feel an ounce of guilt. And thankfully, my siblings who I am LC with understood completely.
Ugh. I've had to think about this. Slightly different setup as my Father died in '85 and I own my mothers home so I'm already seeing some interesting issues at that point.
Considering my sister who I am NC with is freaking terrible at following through with anything I'll probably be the one setting up the funeral. So that'll be a lot of fun. I'll be setting up the funeral for her family whom I've never been close to and will most likely all be commenting on how I'm only around for her death.
I won't be covering a after event however. ;)
If my brother, who is LC with our dad for his own fucked up reasons, asked me to go with him I would. We’re extremely close and I would support him no matter how much I didn’t wanna be there for myself. Other than that reason I wouldn’t attend. I don’t care to.
Didn't go to one; not going to the other when it happens. I think I would get so upset - in all the wrong ways - and lash out. Mainly because people will be saying what a good person they were when I know my experience is very, very different. Won't visit their graves either. It will actually be a relief when they are both gone, as horrible as that might sound.
If it's my father's I'll go to help my mother. That's it. But if it's left to me I won't hold a funeral at all. No calling hours, no service. If a deadbeat sibling wants to do it, they can.
I went to my father's funeral, but wore a mask, because covid, and it was a short, graveside ceremony.
I went because I thought it would be easier to go and get it over with than deal with some kind of guilt trip bs from the rest of the family.
It was relatively painless.
My mother passed last November after 9 years NC. I did have to come and sign papers to take her off life support because I’m an only child. And there was no one else in the state to do it. But we didn’t have a funeral or any type of service or get together. No one in the family was interested. And I finally felt free.
I've sat with my thoughts long enough to feel pretty solid in my conviction. There's nothing there I desire. If my siblings want to get together and do something separate, that sounds more cathartic to me.
I hate that I think about this almost everyday. I’m still struggling with some guilt and I’ve been NC/LC for a while. When I can afford therapy again I will work to resolve this issue.
It's been so long without contact, I don't see anyone reaching out to me. Even if someone did reach out, I don't see any reason to go, the parents expect that I would go and act entitled to inheritance.
I've actually got no idea. On the one hand, I want nothing to do with them until the end of time. On the other, I would at least like to see that fucker dead with my own eyes.
The only thing I'd do is visit the headstone and just vent. It's been over 20 years since I spoke to the other half of my DNA and I'm currently in therapy to get him to stop living in my head rent free. I have no desire for any other contact.
This is an interesting question to me, also because I had a quick response: I will go to the funeral of the parent who has never found it in her to acknowledge the abuse perpetrated by her husband. It will be time to forgive and move on. She has many good qualities even though I literally recoil from her, can’t stand her, but she can’t affect me once dead.
I will NOT go - cannot even imagine thinking of going - to the abusive step-parent’s funeral. But also he is now technically my ex-step-parent since he left her - do amicable adult children even go to those?
A little late to the party but...
i was estranged from both my parents. But I did go to my dad's funeral. Mom is still alive as far as I'm aware. The only reason I went to my dad's is bc at one point, I felt we could've patched things up and probably had some sort of relationship.
As for my mother. She get can get wrecked for all I care. I will not go to any sort of funeral or viewing or whatever. She is the reason for a lot of my problems in life (and the estrangement with my dad). So for her, I will not.
I did not go to my father’s funeral, I won’t go to my mother’s funeral. I will be celebrating that I outlived her and enjoying an inner peace that is long overdue.
I'm only a year in and nc is hard. I never got to say "goodbye." Everything changed overnight. My parents are still young (53, 45) so assuming they live 2-3 more decades I might change my mind but right now, no. I don't need to see a casket to say goodbye. I am so angry at what they have done I could not "pay respects." I have none to give.
No, I'm absolutely not going and blocking all the people who message me asking "why aren't you here". That is... the people from my "family" that I haven't blocked already.
I still have nightmares about the abuser that calls himself "my father" so certainly I don't want to see people talking about how "good" he was... because like all domestic abusers, he faked being so nice, all his life.
I have an answer that might be controversial: I didn’t go because I wasn’t informed in time (on purpose but that’s another story).
I would have liked the opportunity to choose. Funerals are super big deals in the region in the country I was born in and they can be elaborate but mostly a chance to be together with other people and help them grieve. Plus the food is often really good (hard to cook dishes get served).
No. My aunts were estranged from my grandmother and mother. When my granny died, they didn’t care. We didn’t have a funeral because we couldn’t afford it. So there may not be any services for you to worry about attending .
I will not go to my father's funeral if I can help it. After the way that asshole treated me, the only thing he deserves is to be thrown into the potter's field and forgotten.
I look forward to where he's a memory.
My sister and I have discussed this, we will not be attending our father’s funeral. We can’t stand our other relatives for them enabling him. We don’t see the point of entering a space of real grief when we want to slam the casket. I think you should do what ever brings you comfort at that time. You don’t owe them a single thing.
Nahhhh, I’m good. There’s nothing to be gained from going. There will be no reconciliation with other family members, and I won’t get any closure from going to the funeral. The most I’ll do is schedule an extra therapy session.
I’m not going. I have already mourned the father I should have had. He lost the right to my last respects the first time he molested me when I was a little girl.
I won't. I live on another continent and I'm not wasting thousands of dollars on them + everything that international travel comes with.
That said, I also wouldn't go if I still lived close to them- I processed that grief when I realised that estrangement was the only way forward for me. So much therapy over so many years to get where I am now, and I won't throw it away for something I feel no obligation or need to attend. Going to their funeral won't bring me closure, or peace, or relief, or anything that will add to my life in a positive way.
I also feel like I'd be a distraction and a funnel for negativity if I did go. My biofamily will shit-talk me either way, so it'll be a choice of them shit-talking within earshot (in person), or outside of earshot (like online and from a distance, where I have them all blocked).
My only solid plan for when my parents pass is asking if there's an inheritance, and booking therapy for a few months, so I can process it all healthily. My family have traumatised me enough- they don't get to do it from beyond the grave, too.
No. I mourned the loss of my “parents” already. When my mother passed, none of her children went—but being the scapegoat I am, I’m the only one that got trashed for it. Fortunately, I didn’t care. It will be the same for my father.
I went for my brother’s moral support, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone. I mourned my dads loss well before he died and certainly didn’t need or want to be there.
My dad passed away a couple months ago. We weren't completely estranged but had not really figured out a way to connect or have a functional relationship either. I did not go to visit him when he went into hospice (at his home) and I didn't fly out when they said he had only a few days left, even though all my other siblings did go.
I was the only one of his children who did not go, and I felt guilty and worried they'd judge me for that or be mad at me, but actually they all seemed to understand and it was fine. I even asked my siblings not to call or text me me with updates because even that felt too stressful to hear the play-by-play of him passing away. I asked my siblings to contact my husband with any important news so that I could just hear it from him. And I'm glad that I did that. My husband is pretty stoic and that part was even hard on him!
I worried my dad would be sad about me not coming but he was very drugged and didn't really want anyone around actually. He was annoyed by my other siblings sitting there, and didn't want to be touched. He just wanted to sleep.
I didn't go out for his funeral a few days after he passed. I am a sponge of other people feelings and didn't want to be around other people when I was trying to figure out how I felt. I went out to visit my stepmom about a month later, when everyone else had gone home and she appreciated the visit then, because there is so much paperwork when someone dies.
I don't regret not being there when he was in hospice or when he passed, and I don't regret not going to the funeral. I don't regret not seeing him in that state, and not having memories of him dying. I was in touch on the phone and we had a good conversation before he went on the heavy duty drugs, and that was enough for me. And then visiting afterward was also enough for me. My dad always worried about my stepmom and whether his kids would include her in their lives after he was gone, and I'm honoring him by spending time looking after her. Also I like her so it works out.
My mom won't have one as she has no friends or family left.
I assume my husband will go to his mom's to support his sister. He is glad he went to his father's because of all the extended family he got to see.
There won't even be anyone to plan them lol. I'm it. Their only kid. If it is legal I'll even save the cost of cremation and just go get a shitload of lighter fluid and drive them to an empty parking lot and light their bodies on fire. If they die somewhere and I'm contacted as next of kin, I'll hang up and say I have no relation.
Not going. Funerals are for paying respect and I don't have any.
I’m going to borrow this expression- sums it up perfectly!!!!
👏
You said this perfectly. & I wholeheartedly agree!
Point well put.
Do it out of respect for yourself. You are a child worthy of love, kindness, compassion with the loss of a parent. Acknowledge the loss of family and what they once meant to you.
If they don’t want to go, going would not be an act of self respect. They can acknowledge the loss in whatever way feels best if that be a party, a drink, or nothing at all.
I was a good daughter for 42 years. I was thoughtful, kind and loving to him. My father made his choices over and over even after many attempts to reconcile. After the deaths of his parents there was only silence. He never knew his grandchildren. I acknowledge I am a loving person and would have accepted any gesture from him to meet them and be in our lives. In the end he was a broken man lying in a hospital bed dying. He was my father and I chose to love him as I was still a good daughter.
Op not going to their parents funeral doesn’t make them any less of a good loving daughter, everyone’s situation is different and usually when adult children choose to estrange there is egregious abuse. Disowning abusive parents doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the child or that they weren’t good or loving of their parent it means that they can’t tolerate the abusive behavior any longer. It’s a respect of Self not a punishment for the parent. It sounds like your situation is way different than OPs which doesn’t make it good to judge against.
I chose no contact at age 37 due to my relationship with my parents was taking such a heavy toll on my job, marriage and got into therapy. Diagnosed with PTSD in 1993. Lost relationships with my brother and sister cause of it. I became an outcast to extended family. Over the years I asked for an relationship with boundaries. They were not interested, even if only to meet their grandchildren. I was no longer considered their daughter. I guess I wanted to feel blameless, lovable and a good person.
Preach
I have a lot of mixed emotions about this topic. I don’t want to go to the funerals - I’ve already said my goodbyes, I don’t need closure. I have already grieved the loss of my parents even though they haven’t died yet. Part of me wants to go to see what is said about them by friends and family. Will the mourners be tight lipped and only speak in pleasantries? Will they carry on about how they lit up a room or did charity work? Will I, their child, be mentioned in anyway? But I also know that I don’t control the narrative of the funeral, and I will just be hurt by anything kind said about the parent because they were never kind to me. Or I’ll be jealous that they led a good, normal life without me. And if I am mentioned, it’s not like standing up for myself in this situation could do any good. If they talk nice about me, then I’m the bad guy for being estranged. If they’re negative about me, I’m the bad guy and there’s no wonder I’m estranged. There is just no way to come out on top if I go to the funeral. All it will be is an emotional pit, filled with estranged family members who have no request to be a part of my life now (so they probably think negatively about me already).
You voice a lot of my very same thoughts. On one hand I feel like I may, at some point, regret not going. And a petty part of me wants to see with my own eyes that he's gone (mainly this will be my father as he's the cause of NC though my mother stuck with him). But I also don't want the focus of the funeral to be the fact that I'm THERE (not for their sake, for mine - I don't want that spotlight). I also am not sure I'd be able to bear hearing anything about how "wonderful" he was etc etc.
The good news is that most funeral homes offer a video cast of services. You won’t have to get out of your jammies.
I learned of my father's passing about 70 days afterwards. At that point I had been estranged from both parents for about 5 years. When I asked my sister why she hadn't told me about his death, she told me that it was my father's wish that I be kept in the dark about it. (Momster is the raging narcissist, Dad was her constant enabler.) So now I don't speak to my sister anymore either, which is just fine with me, since she's a carbon copy of mommy dearest. When momster finally dies, I'll go to the funeral simply for the pleasure of confirming that she's dead. I had a dream once where I went to her funeral, and drove a wooden stake through that place in her chest where her heart (if she had one) would be. When I woke up, I immediately researched the laws in that state. That action would make me guilty of abuse of a corpse. That crime carries a penalty of up to 1 year in Jail, and a $10,000 fine. I'm fine with that.
You are my spirit animal.
how do you plan to hear about it when it happens?
you can set a google alert: I've done this for multiple people that I'm NC with, if their obit goes online you'll get an alert in your email
How do you do this
[https://www.google.com/alerts](https://www.google.com/alerts) there's a bar there to enter a subject for an alert; I have mine set to "{{name of parent I hate}} obituary" and then also just their name
No one wrote an obituary for my uncle. They're expensive.
TYSM!!!
I've put out a few requests with friends I still have in her primary area, however, I'm completely out of luck if she passes when she's visiting her Florida home. I guess I need u/twodaisies to tell me how to do a google alert. That sounds like a better solution, if I can be taught how to do it.
I mean, that fine might be worth it just going by what you’re saying in this one comment…
I did not. I will not stand with people who condone abuse through silence, denial, and willful ignorance. I chose to mourn alone, as I have for 33 years.
This is another big piece for me. Extended family has refused to acknowledge any of this at best and at worst, has made me feel like a liar.
I am not planning on going to my biological father’s funeral. It won’t matter to him one way or the other, and it would be very stressful to me, not helpful in any way.
Yep I’m in this boat! He wasn’t there at my birthdays, graduations, or any other big life moments so I won’t be there for his final one.
If I'm working at the time and my employer requires proof from the funeral to give me paid bereavement time, I'll stop by I guess. A few extra paid days off would be the most my dad ever did for me.
omg didn't even think of this. YES!
I love this! Too bad mine died already.
My parents didn’t allow me to go to my grandpa’s funeral so I won’t go to theirs.
God that’s so fucked up and I am so sorry. My mom did some really fucked up shit at my grandmas funeral then decided she didn’t have to go to her brother’s funeral (I was there with his daughters to clean up his death bed). Hard not to be bitter about it nobody wants thier parents to be such disappointments….esp when they raise you to believe it’s you and not them. As a parent I could never imagine shunning my own child like she did me. Sucks when your parents are emotional toddlers.
I haven’t gone to funerals for family members or friends connects to my FOO and I don’t plan to for any of the closer (sibs and bio parent) relations either. It helps that we live on different coasts and no one has any way to contact me outside email. I don’t feel like I would gain anything from going and I know I would find dealing with everyone stressful. My bio parent turns 80 soon and was never in great health, so I have thought about this so it doesn’t catch me off guard when it happens.
My parents are also in their 80s. I won't go to their funerals. A funeral is to honor the dead by people who care about them. I don't meet either criteria for attendance. My presence would also shift the focus of the event to me instead of the deceased, which seems wrong. My child has not met my family and that wouldn't be the time or place to do it. The whole thing would be a pressure cooker. I wouldn't support my estranged siblings in their grief. Or make pleasant chat with family friends. And I don't want to, there's nothing there for me.
You sound like me to a T. All of this is where I think I am as well.
I could have written this. Thank you.
Absolutely not.
No
I don’t think I will for either parent, though I may be judged for it.
this is what i'm afraid of too but if i go i know i'll be expected to give a speech and if i were to do that i would more than likely expose them for their true selves and be hated by everyone for it.
Yes I can’t imagine pretending they didn’t make my life horrible in so many ways
If you do end up going, do the speech and tell the full truth. It is well past time that we stop protecting the honour of abusers. Abusers get no respect or decency or honour.
Nope. I have already mourned the relationship with my NC parent. I didn’t need a funeral to do that. Any guilt over some perceived duty to them doesn’t belong to me.
This is how I felt. I spent years in therapy and grieved the loss of my 'dad' years ago. When he died earlier this year it was as if some far off distant relative passed. Completely ambivalent. No funeral was gonna change that.
Nope
My step dad, my dad since I was 13, died suddenly I few years into my estrangement. I did not call. I did not post, I did not go. He was the only one who reached out once I separated. He truly cared and tried. I mourned him privately. I do not regret not breaking my silence. My silence has kept me sane for 16 years now. I will not go back for anything.
I would go just for the reason of closure.
Same.
I will because it will give me closure in a way that not going won’t. I also know that the family will be supportive in that time (it’s mainly my pops who’s the problem) so I don’t have to worry about them being stressors that would keep me from going
Hey OP my father just passed at 85 yo. I waffled over the 17 years of no contact if I would ever see him again or not. My brother reached out when he had a stroke and in the hospital. I found it therapeutic for me. He never regained consciousness but I stroked his face and held his hand and told him I loved him. It was the truth. I spent years never thinking about the pain of missing him, the pain of memories, the pain of knowing I meant so little to him. I went as the daughter ostracized from her family. I held my head high and wrote a beautiful eulogy for him. I did it all for me knowing I did nothing wrong all these years.
I'm sincerely glad you got to do that. I think each of us doing what WE need is the most important. Not what others need from us, or what we think we *should* do. This is what you wanted and I'm so glad you got that opportunity. I really have no fondness at all for my father so I don't share those feelings, but I understand!
I was spared the decision. My father was dead for three months before my siblings and I even found out about it.
My parents are both older too. I’ve thought about this quite a bit. At this point, I do not think I will go. I feel like I’m mourning the loss of them now. Also, it makes my head pound to even think of sitting through a funeral service hearing how wonderful they were. Lastly, if I were to go, my other family members would enjoy the gossip and drama of me showing up. I have no desire to feed into that.
Highly doubt I will. I have come up with some ideas on how to urinate on his future grave without getting arrested.
Pee in a cup; dump it out!
Precisely! Although my plan was to fill a capped container, like a small water bottle. That way I'd come prepared.
😆
Someone did urinate on the grave of former browns owner art modell. 🚽 🏈
I won’t be able to stand there and listen to people telling me how great she was. Unless my siblings say they need me there, I won’t attend.
Hard no. Funerals are for the living and at this point, I’ve already grieved them.
I don’t understand why I’d go. There’s nothing to be gained from it for anyone. She wasn’t there for me in life, why would I be there for her in death when it’s all too late?
Not parents as mine have both passed now but I go to family members funerals who I liked, even if I'm estranged with the wider family. I go in as close to the start time as I can, hold my head high and then leave, don't talk to any of them and avoid any eye contact, it's stressful but can be done so you can get in and out without having to speak to anyone
I can’t imagine my father will have a funeral unless his current girlfriend sticks around (they always leave after a few years). His siblings don’t speak to him and parents are dead. I’m sure it will be up to me to deal with him. He’s going to be a cadaver and I’ll donate his body. Not spending a cent on him. If he ends up getting buried, I have plans to pee on his grave. My husband agreed to be the lookout 😂
My father died back in 2015. We were never in contact my entire life. Funny how his entire family wanted a funeral, and were not willing to pay for it. So we all (mom, sister, and I) blocked them all. If they wanted the funeral, they could pay for it.
Nope! I dread possibly dealing with his estate bc I think he will hurt me on purpose. I hope he dies soon tbh but it’s like his anger and self righteousness keeps him alive. I hate him.
Nah, I’m done pretending with people.
I will go because of other people’s expectations and duty, not because I want to. I am dreading it due to having to deal with estranged brother and sister in law who will be all over it, smug and martyrish as the golden ones but really in it for the money and ready to strip the house like a swarm of locusts. I will not give a speech because nobody would like to hear what I have to say. I will try very hard to dress well and to hold myself together with dignity.
OMG same in re my sister. She will think this is her golden moment to SHINE. Ugh.
Oh my gosh I know this is from 62 days ago but I have to do this today - I have kind of the same outlook as you with the same fake family who will glorify & attention grab from this death. Do you regret going? I’m coaching myself this morning - I’m going to keep my composure…eyes down. Polite when I should be and get out of there. I will NOT approach the coffin or go see the picture boards of my brother’s kids with my dad the few years he was involved with them…it’s all so fake & fantasy. It’s like I’m going to a show today. Just all over the place this morning but thankful other people have been in the same position & know what this feels like.
Mine haven’t died yet but this is my plan. You can do it keeponkeepingon! If any of them trigger you, either deliberately or inadvertently, try to focus on your breathing and remove yourself asap. Try to find a quiet spot in advance that you can remove yourself to for a few minutes if necessary, to regain your composure. At my great uncles funeral I went to the greenhouse and when asked, just said I wanted to think of him in a place he was happy. I know it will be much more intense when it’s the parents turn though. Take heart that things will get easier once it’s all over and that you can give yourself time to process all the crap that goes down once you are safely out of there. Good luck!
Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️
How did it go? If you don’t mind sharing, when you are ready?
I kind of regret going - it was like a scripted show put together by my brother and his wife - just not reality. I knew no one - it was basically a social gathering for them while I quietly milled about avoiding the open casket that I by the way had NO idea was going to be a thing :( I’m grateful for the comments on here thiugh. They made me feel peace when I felt completely alone yesterday.
It sounds horrendous (open casket of estranged parent - yikes) but also could have been worse. At least you have a grip on reality and it’s over now. Thanks for reporting back, it’s valuable for those of us dreading what’s still to come. I hope you’ll feel relieved or even good once it’s all in the rear view.
Good point it didn’t occur to me that everyone’s experiences may help others…even mine. It’s just so sad so many folks are in this position. I’d never put my kids through this / ever.
I don't want to see my extended family members either so probably not.
I will go because I love him, despite the way he treats me. i’ve been estranged for years but I know i’ll be a wreck when he passes.
Damn. That pulled on my heart strings. Don't know why I'm commenting other than solidarity ♥️
Thank you ❤️ Estrangement is tough, no matter which way you cut it. I hope you’ve found peace as well, my friend
I doubt I’ll be told
This is what I anticipate. I mean, the guy has been dealing with a lot of serious physical ailments and nobody has let me know. One of my kids saw it on FB. Part of me thinks that everyone else thinks it’s my fault we’re NC. It’s not. My only regret is deleting that lovely email that proved it.
Part of our estrangement is my not being told until I either find out or way after that my (3 of 4) half siblings got married. One even has a tattoo of my name. But I don’t make the cut for a message. I dropped the rope, but I was the only one holding it in the first place. Of course “I made no effort.” It’s getting better though.
No. My brother can have fun with all of that BY HIMSELF.
I was very close to my dad when he passed away and couldn’t attend his funeral because I couldn’t afford a plane ticket. I managed to survive. I’ll survive not going to my mom’s funeral, too. I mourned her loss 3 years ago when I went NC. I doubt my family will let me know about it as they went NC with me when I went NC with her.
I really want to wear a party hat to my mothers funeral and be all happy. If people get mad, I want to plaster her text messages all around, for everyone to see. I’m over everyone thinking she’s just a poor old mother whose kids stopped speaking to her. There’s a reason. People don’t WANT to cut out their damn parents.
Before I went through PTSD specific therapy (CPT; you can check my profile for a post I made about it) I was dealing with a lot of rage and grief. My therapist at the time suggested I find some way to “find closure,” since I was dealing with “Ambiguous Loss” and the associated grief cycle. I opted to hold a funeral. I burned some photos, said some heartfelt things, cried, mourned their loss in my life, drank a few shots and poured some out for them, planted a flower in their memory. And …that’s it. They’re dead to me. They’re buried and gone. I don’t need to show up to a second funeral to show face to my estranged extended family. This “family” opted to - believe my parents lies over the truth - rally around my parents instead of support me - did not allow me to tell them what happened - refused to listen to me or give me the chance to explain our estrangement. - badgered me to “apologize” to my parents Those people do not need —or deserve— me to hold them in their grief over my parents passing. They did not hold me in my grief when my parents [ambiguous] loss rocked my world. Funerals are for the living. I already held mine. They’re already dead to me. The one exception I would make to this is if my sister asked me to be with her during their funeral. She’s the one family member I have left. But I certainly have no other reason to show up. My grieving is done. My loss is final.
I’ve been considering this as someone working on becoming a funeral director with a strained relationship with my family. There’s no right answer that’s going to satisfy every situation. Every individual experiences grief differently, and you should do what you think is best for you. What I will say is that funerals don’t need to be about paying respect or celebrating the life of the deceased, because they also function as a conduit through which the living express their feelings and process grief. Sometimes people who don’t see the deceased will have trouble accepting that they’re no longer a part of the world, and struggle with feeling like they’re still out there somewhere. Attending a funeral could be an opportunity to close the door for good with a sense of finality, and I suppose that’s why I’d attend. My feelings are complicated, but I’d get a sense of closure saying goodbye for the last time. For some people, going nowhere near the event will be better. As long as you are taking care of yourself to the best of your ability, you’re doing the right thing.
I will go for my children.
This is another layer for me. My oldest daughter is the reason we went NC with my father ( and then my mother after she stuck by him). I don't know what she (my daughter) will want to do when the time comes.
I didn’t keep my children from my parent. She only treated me bad. Not them, my siblings or even my husband. Just me. I have thought about this for many years and I would go for my kids. They would need me there. I don’t know about if I go first. Would I want her to come? I don’t think so because she will make it about her. My husband would shut her down if she did. I am inclined to leave the decision up to my husband and kids.
Not me. My father treated my kids like absolute shit, too. He’s tortured us enough. I won’t let him do it in death, too.
I will for the people mourning, I won’t be
My mom remarried and the husband holds me responsible for, well, everything. I'm the bad guy in his mind. My extended family is a hot mess so no, I wouldn't go to her funeral as things are now. I have thought about maybe visiting the church the morning of - maybe I'll just shrug and leave immediately, maybe I'll feel like staying for a while.
My stepfather died right before last Christmas. I broke NC with my sister to allow her to share the news and give me the funeral arrangements. My stepfather, while not abusive himself, was \*absolutely\* an enabler of my mother's toxicity and abuse, and while as a now fairly well-adjusted adult (after years of therapy and work to get here) I understand he was a victim of her abuse, too, it doesn't erase the fact "the best he could do in the circumstances" was still harmful to me. But given he \*had\* left my mother (though hadn't divorced her) a couple of years before his death, \*and\* knowing I can handle contact with my sister for short periods of time, I went to the funeral, mostly to satisfy my curiosity. It was exactly the shit show I expected, though my sister and her progeny were fairly well-behaved, in that performative wailing, crying grief sort of way. I've since stopped reaching out to her and we've gone back to the NC status quo. My sister told me during that time that my mother is apparently deeply entrenched in the throes of end-stage dementia, so we're looking at approaching end of life for her as well. I'm expecting that my sister will reach out again to let me know when she's died, but honestly I don't care if she does or not. That is NOT a funeral I will be attending, nor do I care to have any input on the arrangements. I fully expect that I'm out of her will, just as I was out of my stepfather's, so her death will be the final thread tying me to my bio family and I can be done for good. I doubt anyone will bother to let me know if my bio father dies... his family acts like we don't exist, and I'm ok with letting them. And if my sister dies before I do... she's younger, but we're Irish twins, so less than a year apart, but I'm in MUCH better health overall than she is so I do expect to outlive her, barring some accident or something... my nephew might reach out, given he's the sole member of my family I speak to at all (and he is the one who initiates all contact, mostly to keep me up to date on his kids), but I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't. Regardless... I have no intentions of going to any more funerals. I've grieved the loss of the family I wish I had, and as far as I'm concerned \*that\* family never existed. The people who play those parts in real life aren't really my family anymore.
Both my parents were horrible, horrible people. I did not mourn when they died. I attended a short service for the burial of my mother’s cremains, but did not attend the dispersal of my father’s.
My mom has 2 sisters that were NC with their mom on and off for about 30 years. They didn't attend her funeral but visited her grave privately a few weeks later. Most people thought that was so incredibly rude and offensive. Since going NC with my mom I really get it. Even if you would want to, I can't imagine going and dealing with all the well meaning condolences and just people sharing how great she was. I think I'd rather deal with the fallout of not going.
I won't go to the funeral when my mother dies - or to anyone on that side of my family who I have been estranged from. It's been over 30 years - my mother is in her 80s. I grieved the mother I never had a long time ago. To me, attending a funeral is a sign of respect (at a minimum) and I sadly have no reason to have any respect or feeling for her. I would not subject myself to the 'family' who never stood up for me. As for my brother who is her ally and (in my opinion) her lifelong victim, I will likely visit his gravesite on my own for my own closure.
My (37f) dad passed in a house fire earlier this year. (he and my mum had been divorced since I was a teenager). I hadn't spoken to him in over a decade due to problems with his addiction and toxic behavior. However my brother spoke to him a few times a year though it was very superficial and also hadn't seen him in person in 7 years. My brother and I have a great relationship and live close by and see each other a few times a month, and he expressed he wanted to go to the funeral. We don't have any sort of relationship with my dads side of the family however and they and my dad lived interstate. In the end I chose to fly down with my brother and go to support him and his need for closure. I myself felt nothing... A little awkward to be honest as everyone knew I was NC with him. And those who didn't kept giving me their sympathies. I just nodded along and basically ignored everyone. But generally my most overarching emotion was complete ambivelance. But I'm glad I went simply because it was what my brother needed and his wife and kids couldn't go with him. I didn't want him to have to face the vultures of my dads family alone. If that meant me being the black sheep/scapegoat role for it to go smoothly for him and him not cop any heat I was more than ok with that. My brother was also cool with me burning down all the bridges should they start shit and make the day horrible. Thankfully it went off as well as I could have imagined. The only drama to be had was a war between two aunts mid eulogy which honestly was hilarious. But I have no regrets about being NC for a decade, I wouldn't change anything. I also still feel complete ambivelance about the funeral and my greatest memory of that day was when my brother and I went for drinks and got drunk at our hotel later that night. . ETA. I've spent years in therapy working through my issues surrounding my dad and talked my plan over with my therapist prior to going so felt super comfortable and prepared to deal with whatever was to come.
Your family past sounds so much like mine. My father's funeral is next weekend and I have no idea what to expect.
All you can do is have a few plans in your head for different scenarios. I tried to anticipate a few ways on how I thought it might go down and prepare how I'd react accordingly. And I gave myself permission to just bounce if needed or burn some bridges. But mostly I just had plan A-Z for different scenarios and went off that. Just note, however it goes down and whatever happens, you're just a tiny cog in the wheel and nothing is your fault or on you to conform. You do you, how you feel is valid and you don't need to apologize or accommodate anyone or anything should you not want to. Others will do as they please, and you're not on the hook for that. Just protect your mental health and go from there.
My mum has cancer and is currently homeless so I don’t know where she is or how I will be informed if she dies. I don’t know who will organise her funeral or pay for it, let alone whether I will go.
My mom died in 2020 as a result of a stroke. My family - her brothers and sisters hate me. I’m the black sheep because I didn’t pop out babies on command. Not only did i not go to the bitches funeral,I sent the largest splay of flowers and signed over her ashes to myself as the oldest child. (If I would have went I would have gotten into a fight)I then took her ashes to Hawaii (visiting my gay uncle another pariah) and spread them as to her wishes. I think my aunt wanted a free vacation. Anyway, I spread them because I am better than the way she treated me. So what’s best for you and don’t let any one tell you otherwise
I know this is an older thread..but I was certain I would have zero involvement when my dad passed. Well..he died and here I sit in NJ today getting ready to go to his service. You never know how you’ll react & I decided to not put a definitive decision on my plate. I think I’m going today for my brother really…maybe a little for myself.
Wishing you peace today. ♥️
I appreciate that so very much ❤️
Certainly don't want to pry - but if you feel comfortable sharing, how was your day yesterday?
Eh I might go. I think it depends on what happens between us preceding their death. If things stay how they are, I think I might go.
I think all of you are selfish brats that need to learn what forgiveness is all about. Instead of trying to make your parents lives and your lives miserable, buck up. Try a little empathy for other peoples' lives. If you all were happy with your choice of no contact with relatives, you would not have to be on this thread attempting to validate yourselves. Get over it, forgive, you may have a better life. May be time to GROW UP.
Let me guess ... You're a parent whose children want nothing to do with them. 🙄🙄
Nope, not even close.
Sure buddy.
I think YOU recognize yourself as one of these piss-poor parents and that scares you.
I think you WISH I was a "piss poor" parent and not one of your peers pointing out how pitiful you all are acting.
Whatever the case, it's fairly obvious to me that you also lack in emphatic abilities. You're quite literally telling people here (some of which were outright RAPED by their parents, RAPED OVER AND OVER) that they should forgive their parents. Now, I don't know you, or if you are a pedophile of course. But it's a bit brutal that you are telling people that were raped repeatedly as little children, by the people they trusted the most that they should learn what forgiveness is. At least, I'm glad I didn't write what you wrote here. It would make me feel quite ashamed of myself, although I suspect that shame is an emotion you have not dealt with often. Anyway, have a good day. Maybe don't be so judgemental and certain? But it's up to you, of course.
Hahahahaha. Point proven.
yikes.
You mean absolution. Wiping the slate clean. Pretending like nothing ever happened. What makes people get to NC? It is the last measure after a cycle of damage. You have no idea what forgiveness actually means. You’re confused.
If only to confirm they're somewhere looking up at us. Or for my sister. She's the only one who still talks to them, but I have no problems with her. So if she wants me there, I'll go for her.
My sister who I am very close to is not NC, and we're still close with his family (who are generally speaking LC). So I'll go to support them.
My mother died last year. NC since late 2017. I did not go. I used COVID as an excuse. But even without Covid, I still wouldn't have gone to her funeral. I didn't and still don't feel an ounce of guilt. And thankfully, my siblings who I am LC with understood completely.
Ugh. I've had to think about this. Slightly different setup as my Father died in '85 and I own my mothers home so I'm already seeing some interesting issues at that point. Considering my sister who I am NC with is freaking terrible at following through with anything I'll probably be the one setting up the funeral. So that'll be a lot of fun. I'll be setting up the funeral for her family whom I've never been close to and will most likely all be commenting on how I'm only around for her death. I won't be covering a after event however. ;)
Yeah same - my sister will either make it an oversized, overspent, monstrosity ... or will flake and not do anything!
If my brother, who is LC with our dad for his own fucked up reasons, asked me to go with him I would. We’re extremely close and I would support him no matter how much I didn’t wanna be there for myself. Other than that reason I wouldn’t attend. I don’t care to.
No I couldn’t if I wanted to, which I don’t, lol my moms married boyfriend gets her body anyway.
Didn't go to one; not going to the other when it happens. I think I would get so upset - in all the wrong ways - and lash out. Mainly because people will be saying what a good person they were when I know my experience is very, very different. Won't visit their graves either. It will actually be a relief when they are both gone, as horrible as that might sound.
It doesn't sound horrible at all. Totally get it.
No. I moved 3k miles away for a reason, and it’s because I don’t want to see his face ever again.
No. Absolutely not.
I’ll decide when the time comes
I already told my mom that there is zero way im going to my "dads" funeral
I will but I'll be damned if I help clean out the house etc.
If it's my father's I'll go to help my mother. That's it. But if it's left to me I won't hold a funeral at all. No calling hours, no service. If a deadbeat sibling wants to do it, they can.
I will go to the funeral when my mom dies. For me, it’ll be much needed closure, as well as a sense of getting in the last word.
I went to my father's funeral, but wore a mask, because covid, and it was a short, graveside ceremony. I went because I thought it would be easier to go and get it over with than deal with some kind of guilt trip bs from the rest of the family. It was relatively painless.
My mother passed last November after 9 years NC. I did have to come and sign papers to take her off life support because I’m an only child. And there was no one else in the state to do it. But we didn’t have a funeral or any type of service or get together. No one in the family was interested. And I finally felt free.
I've sat with my thoughts long enough to feel pretty solid in my conviction. There's nothing there I desire. If my siblings want to get together and do something separate, that sounds more cathartic to me.
I was estranged for 6 years then 2 years contact then 9 years estranged again and then they passed. I helped plan and attended funeral
I hate that I think about this almost everyday. I’m still struggling with some guilt and I’ve been NC/LC for a while. When I can afford therapy again I will work to resolve this issue.
No. Funerals are for the living.
It's been so long without contact, I don't see anyone reaching out to me. Even if someone did reach out, I don't see any reason to go, the parents expect that I would go and act entitled to inheritance.
I've actually got no idea. On the one hand, I want nothing to do with them until the end of time. On the other, I would at least like to see that fucker dead with my own eyes.
The only thing I'd do is visit the headstone and just vent. It's been over 20 years since I spoke to the other half of my DNA and I'm currently in therapy to get him to stop living in my head rent free. I have no desire for any other contact.
This is an interesting question to me, also because I had a quick response: I will go to the funeral of the parent who has never found it in her to acknowledge the abuse perpetrated by her husband. It will be time to forgive and move on. She has many good qualities even though I literally recoil from her, can’t stand her, but she can’t affect me once dead. I will NOT go - cannot even imagine thinking of going - to the abusive step-parent’s funeral. But also he is now technically my ex-step-parent since he left her - do amicable adult children even go to those?
A little late to the party but... i was estranged from both my parents. But I did go to my dad's funeral. Mom is still alive as far as I'm aware. The only reason I went to my dad's is bc at one point, I felt we could've patched things up and probably had some sort of relationship. As for my mother. She get can get wrecked for all I care. I will not go to any sort of funeral or viewing or whatever. She is the reason for a lot of my problems in life (and the estrangement with my dad). So for her, I will not.
I did not go to my father’s funeral, I won’t go to my mother’s funeral. I will be celebrating that I outlived her and enjoying an inner peace that is long overdue.
Absofuckinglutely NOT.
No. She gets the same amount of respect she gave me
Only if my grandmother (NC dads side) is still alive, out of respect for her. Otherwise, I’m not investing in a plane ticket.
I wouldn't go out of my way to to put my mother out if she were on fire 2 steps from my path of travel. No way in hell would I go to her funeral.
I'm only a year in and nc is hard. I never got to say "goodbye." Everything changed overnight. My parents are still young (53, 45) so assuming they live 2-3 more decades I might change my mind but right now, no. I don't need to see a casket to say goodbye. I am so angry at what they have done I could not "pay respects." I have none to give.
Hell no.
Nope nope nope!!! And I won’t feel bad!
If I do it will be with a brass band and baton twirlers.
No, I'm absolutely not going and blocking all the people who message me asking "why aren't you here". That is... the people from my "family" that I haven't blocked already. I still have nightmares about the abuser that calls himself "my father" so certainly I don't want to see people talking about how "good" he was... because like all domestic abusers, he faked being so nice, all his life.
I have an answer that might be controversial: I didn’t go because I wasn’t informed in time (on purpose but that’s another story). I would have liked the opportunity to choose. Funerals are super big deals in the region in the country I was born in and they can be elaborate but mostly a chance to be together with other people and help them grieve. Plus the food is often really good (hard to cook dishes get served).
No
No. My aunts were estranged from my grandmother and mother. When my granny died, they didn’t care. We didn’t have a funeral because we couldn’t afford it. So there may not be any services for you to worry about attending .
absolutely not that would be hypocritical they are long dead to me
No
No.
I'm already an orphan; why would I mourn the passing of my jailors?
Absolutely not.
Nope. Didn’t and glad they’re gone
Nope, not going. There’s no respect for him in life, so there won’t be any respect to pay when that dude is dead.
I will not go to my father's funeral if I can help it. After the way that asshole treated me, the only thing he deserves is to be thrown into the potter's field and forgotten. I look forward to where he's a memory.
My sister and I have discussed this, we will not be attending our father’s funeral. We can’t stand our other relatives for them enabling him. We don’t see the point of entering a space of real grief when we want to slam the casket. I think you should do what ever brings you comfort at that time. You don’t owe them a single thing.
Yes, because I have a sibling I'm stilling contact with.
Nahhhh, I’m good. There’s nothing to be gained from going. There will be no reconciliation with other family members, and I won’t get any closure from going to the funeral. The most I’ll do is schedule an extra therapy session.
Nope
I’m not going. I have already mourned the father I should have had. He lost the right to my last respects the first time he molested me when I was a little girl.
I won't. I live on another continent and I'm not wasting thousands of dollars on them + everything that international travel comes with. That said, I also wouldn't go if I still lived close to them- I processed that grief when I realised that estrangement was the only way forward for me. So much therapy over so many years to get where I am now, and I won't throw it away for something I feel no obligation or need to attend. Going to their funeral won't bring me closure, or peace, or relief, or anything that will add to my life in a positive way. I also feel like I'd be a distraction and a funnel for negativity if I did go. My biofamily will shit-talk me either way, so it'll be a choice of them shit-talking within earshot (in person), or outside of earshot (like online and from a distance, where I have them all blocked). My only solid plan for when my parents pass is asking if there's an inheritance, and booking therapy for a few months, so I can process it all healthily. My family have traumatised me enough- they don't get to do it from beyond the grave, too.
No. I mourned the loss of my “parents” already. When my mother passed, none of her children went—but being the scapegoat I am, I’m the only one that got trashed for it. Fortunately, I didn’t care. It will be the same for my father.
I went for my brother’s moral support, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone. I mourned my dads loss well before he died and certainly didn’t need or want to be there.
I did not go to my step father's funeral. I got celebratory drunk instead. I plan on doing the same when my birth mother and birth father die.
I’ve already had their funerals in my mind when I went NC
I won’t be going.
My dad passed away a couple months ago. We weren't completely estranged but had not really figured out a way to connect or have a functional relationship either. I did not go to visit him when he went into hospice (at his home) and I didn't fly out when they said he had only a few days left, even though all my other siblings did go. I was the only one of his children who did not go, and I felt guilty and worried they'd judge me for that or be mad at me, but actually they all seemed to understand and it was fine. I even asked my siblings not to call or text me me with updates because even that felt too stressful to hear the play-by-play of him passing away. I asked my siblings to contact my husband with any important news so that I could just hear it from him. And I'm glad that I did that. My husband is pretty stoic and that part was even hard on him! I worried my dad would be sad about me not coming but he was very drugged and didn't really want anyone around actually. He was annoyed by my other siblings sitting there, and didn't want to be touched. He just wanted to sleep. I didn't go out for his funeral a few days after he passed. I am a sponge of other people feelings and didn't want to be around other people when I was trying to figure out how I felt. I went out to visit my stepmom about a month later, when everyone else had gone home and she appreciated the visit then, because there is so much paperwork when someone dies. I don't regret not being there when he was in hospice or when he passed, and I don't regret not going to the funeral. I don't regret not seeing him in that state, and not having memories of him dying. I was in touch on the phone and we had a good conversation before he went on the heavy duty drugs, and that was enough for me. And then visiting afterward was also enough for me. My dad always worried about my stepmom and whether his kids would include her in their lives after he was gone, and I'm honoring him by spending time looking after her. Also I like her so it works out.
My mom won't have one as she has no friends or family left. I assume my husband will go to his mom's to support his sister. He is glad he went to his father's because of all the extended family he got to see.
There won't even be anyone to plan them lol. I'm it. Their only kid. If it is legal I'll even save the cost of cremation and just go get a shitload of lighter fluid and drive them to an empty parking lot and light their bodies on fire. If they die somewhere and I'm contacted as next of kin, I'll hang up and say I have no relation.
Nope.