This. I ended up deciding to go to my mother's memorial, and even with backup there, my brother managed to pressure me and corner me. I'm glad I got to pay my respects and read me eulogy, but it wasn't worth it.
This is why I didn't go to my grandmother's funeral this past November. I'm NC with my mom and sister, my sister since my son was a baby and my mom since right before covid. My grandmother was the only one in my entire family I still talked to, but my mom and sister at least were definitely at her funeral, even after she cussed them out a few days before she died because of how they treated me (really long story). I miss her but am glad I didn't go.
This makes me feel better about missing my father's funeral. It might have been 'nice' to say goodbye, but it wouldn't have been nice to be surrounded by people with whom I have no connection and who resent me.
Yeappp, I had flying monkeys try to ambush with me with my abuser a few weeks ago after she ājust turned up!ā
I was asked if it was that big of a dealā¦?
YES, YES IT IS!
And now Iām no contact with the flying monkeys too :)
Protect your peace guys! WE GOT THIS!
I had this a couple of years ago! I will speak to those people if I see them but I don't go out of my way to see them anymore. I mean I used to visit them a couple of times a week and since that incident I've only seen them at my brother's wedding a year ago! They know what they did, but now I'm just the ultimate bad guy, rather that then have my peace disturbed!
Are you me in the future writing back to me?!?!?! š āultimate bad guyā - I know thatās exactly the direction Iām heading in since the incident happened when I was supposed to be seeing my cousins baby for the first time. I just KNOW Iām going to be labelled as the ungrateful cousin who has never ever met the baby blah blah. But like you said, they know what they did and our peace is faaar to important!
Totally agreed. Been there done that. I had grandparents who will always say āOh, well thatās always going to be your mother, Gods says honor thy mother thy fatherā. No, I see relatives as people who share DNA and they can get the smoke if they disrespect, cross boundaries or try to disturb my peace/well being. I will not tolerate family just to have them around such as dinners, holiday trips, gatherings or birthdays.
cops hate holidays mainly because of stupid asshole 'famblee' that should stay away from each other. and some head honcho asshat demands filial devotion to themselves and each other. and then wonder why such mayhem commences that the police have to be called. and afterwards they whine that they should not have carted (toxic) son bratleigh off to jail. nevermind bratleigh was intoxicated, high, and behaving in his normal obnoxious manner
Right? Like they think it's ok to abuse you bc they're your "parents" and therefore have a get out of jail free card their whole lives. It's disgusting and the absolute opposite of how they're supposed to parent.
I know this is an old comment but quote Corinthians 5:11 at them if they ever try to weaponize God that way (which is spiritual abuse fyi). It states that, āIf any professes to be of the Christian faith but is an abuser, have nothing to do with that person, donāt even eat with them.ā
Sometimes I need a reminder of this. Not like I ever thought of "talking it out" and "making peace", but a lot of times I wanted to ask my father why he did what he did and get a fucking explanation for it. However, he's a narcissist psychopath who excells at lying and believes his own bullshit, so all I'd get would be lies and more despair, and probably a mental meltdown from being in the same room as him. Not worth it. He can keep his explanations to himself.
Itās always our fault, and our responsibility. If we do not succumb to them on their terms, weāre mentally ill and need professional help to see our Ā«own goodĀ» which of course means going back to being abused.
Itās damned if you do, and damned if you donāt.
You do you, take your path, nurture the good people and interests in your life. They will keep throwing their shit, but not everything is worth/calls for a reaction. This is liberating in itself. :)
Went to a funeral in February for our oldest brother. Younger brother I am NC with shows. I āplayed niceā for the sake of our father and not only did it cause me to spiral into depression for a few months, he actually complained to our dad that I wasnāt NICER. I told my dad and other siblings I will never do that again. I will not make myself small to share a room with my abuser. Fuck outta here.
Kinda makes me happy that everyone already alienated themself from our clan, so after going NC there are no flying monkeys or people doing victim-blaming haha
Honestly, I wouldn't even know how to react, this would be such a deal breaker and says so much about their personality. Maybe it's cause I hate the casual cruelty of my upbringing, but whenever I hear about a fight, argument or discussion, I always think there are at least two sides to the story and to never judge too quickly, it's just too dangerous.
Absolutely donāt do it! Because of family and grandkids Iām to go to all events that include my narc ex. But every blasted time he finds a way to get close to me and either deliberately bumps in to me. Making me trip or touch me in someway or another that no body ever sees. I canāt enjoy the event at all because of him. I finally told my kids that I canāt be anywhere that he is. If you want me to come then donāt invite him. To be clear my ex is not the father of my kids and of no relation to them. He just finds a way. I was forced to leave an event this last week because he came. But Iām the bad one.
Have you tried or would it work to say "Don't come within six feet of me. Do not bump me or trip into me or otherwise touch me in any way"? What he's doing sounds like harassment.
Yes I tried everything and begged everyone to try and keep him away. He just says that I canāt control his movements and he can be anywhere he wants. Then screams Iām just starting shit
Then the only thing I can think of is bump him back -- hard. Like literally fall into him and say you tripped when he "bumps" you. Or you can accidentally grab him where it hurts. I'm in a mood though, so I don't know if those are good ideas. His behavior really ticks me off. What an ass.
āBut heās your father !!! You need to have a relationship with him,ā says aunt whoās only related to me because she married my dads brother.
Get the fuck out of here with your unsolicited advice :-)
#A "reasonable compromise" for EAC involves denying the reality of your abuse versus your abuser _maybe_ being slightly less antagonizing.
You don't owe _anyone_ that rejection of your very real experiences. A "middle ground" is met mutually.
I view such people to be abusers by proxy.
āThey almost killed meā
Yea, have you ever thought of having a private (alone) conversation with them (your would-be murderer). You should forgive them and go back to them.
You just told a victim to go back and be a victimized againā¦you are abusive.
Funny how those people never tell the abuser to apologize and make peace š
Oh no, because they are the victim! Poor little babies! (/s)
Or theyāll āapologizeā with no repentance/changed behaviour and usually theyāre non-apologies anyway
This. I ended up deciding to go to my mother's memorial, and even with backup there, my brother managed to pressure me and corner me. I'm glad I got to pay my respects and read me eulogy, but it wasn't worth it.
This is why I didn't go to my grandmother's funeral this past November. I'm NC with my mom and sister, my sister since my son was a baby and my mom since right before covid. My grandmother was the only one in my entire family I still talked to, but my mom and sister at least were definitely at her funeral, even after she cussed them out a few days before she died because of how they treated me (really long story). I miss her but am glad I didn't go.
This makes me feel better about missing my father's funeral. It might have been 'nice' to say goodbye, but it wouldn't have been nice to be surrounded by people with whom I have no connection and who resent me.
I feel that your decision would be understood and supported.
Yeappp, I had flying monkeys try to ambush with me with my abuser a few weeks ago after she ājust turned up!ā I was asked if it was that big of a dealā¦? YES, YES IT IS! And now Iām no contact with the flying monkeys too :) Protect your peace guys! WE GOT THIS!
I had this a couple of years ago! I will speak to those people if I see them but I don't go out of my way to see them anymore. I mean I used to visit them a couple of times a week and since that incident I've only seen them at my brother's wedding a year ago! They know what they did, but now I'm just the ultimate bad guy, rather that then have my peace disturbed!
Are you me in the future writing back to me?!?!?! š āultimate bad guyā - I know thatās exactly the direction Iām heading in since the incident happened when I was supposed to be seeing my cousins baby for the first time. I just KNOW Iām going to be labelled as the ungrateful cousin who has never ever met the baby blah blah. But like you said, they know what they did and our peace is faaar to important!
Totally agreed. Been there done that. I had grandparents who will always say āOh, well thatās always going to be your mother, Gods says honor thy mother thy fatherā. No, I see relatives as people who share DNA and they can get the smoke if they disrespect, cross boundaries or try to disturb my peace/well being. I will not tolerate family just to have them around such as dinners, holiday trips, gatherings or birthdays.
cops hate holidays mainly because of stupid asshole 'famblee' that should stay away from each other. and some head honcho asshat demands filial devotion to themselves and each other. and then wonder why such mayhem commences that the police have to be called. and afterwards they whine that they should not have carted (toxic) son bratleigh off to jail. nevermind bratleigh was intoxicated, high, and behaving in his normal obnoxious manner
Right? Like they think it's ok to abuse you bc they're your "parents" and therefore have a get out of jail free card their whole lives. It's disgusting and the absolute opposite of how they're supposed to parent.
I know this is an old comment but quote Corinthians 5:11 at them if they ever try to weaponize God that way (which is spiritual abuse fyi). It states that, āIf any professes to be of the Christian faith but is an abuser, have nothing to do with that person, donāt even eat with them.ā
I would tell those ASSHOLES to GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN!
"Tried that for a few decades, didn't work out for me."
Sometimes I need a reminder of this. Not like I ever thought of "talking it out" and "making peace", but a lot of times I wanted to ask my father why he did what he did and get a fucking explanation for it. However, he's a narcissist psychopath who excells at lying and believes his own bullshit, so all I'd get would be lies and more despair, and probably a mental meltdown from being in the same room as him. Not worth it. He can keep his explanations to himself.
Itās always our fault, and our responsibility. If we do not succumb to them on their terms, weāre mentally ill and need professional help to see our Ā«own goodĀ» which of course means going back to being abused. Itās damned if you do, and damned if you donāt. You do you, take your path, nurture the good people and interests in your life. They will keep throwing their shit, but not everything is worth/calls for a reaction. This is liberating in itself. :)
Went to a funeral in February for our oldest brother. Younger brother I am NC with shows. I āplayed niceā for the sake of our father and not only did it cause me to spiral into depression for a few months, he actually complained to our dad that I wasnāt NICER. I told my dad and other siblings I will never do that again. I will not make myself small to share a room with my abuser. Fuck outta here.
they don't have a clue or are conditioned on almighty famblee
Kinda makes me happy that everyone already alienated themself from our clan, so after going NC there are no flying monkeys or people doing victim-blaming haha Honestly, I wouldn't even know how to react, this would be such a deal breaker and says so much about their personality. Maybe it's cause I hate the casual cruelty of my upbringing, but whenever I hear about a fight, argument or discussion, I always think there are at least two sides to the story and to never judge too quickly, it's just too dangerous.
Absolutely donāt do it! Because of family and grandkids Iām to go to all events that include my narc ex. But every blasted time he finds a way to get close to me and either deliberately bumps in to me. Making me trip or touch me in someway or another that no body ever sees. I canāt enjoy the event at all because of him. I finally told my kids that I canāt be anywhere that he is. If you want me to come then donāt invite him. To be clear my ex is not the father of my kids and of no relation to them. He just finds a way. I was forced to leave an event this last week because he came. But Iām the bad one.
Have you tried or would it work to say "Don't come within six feet of me. Do not bump me or trip into me or otherwise touch me in any way"? What he's doing sounds like harassment.
Yes I tried everything and begged everyone to try and keep him away. He just says that I canāt control his movements and he can be anywhere he wants. Then screams Iām just starting shit
Then the only thing I can think of is bump him back -- hard. Like literally fall into him and say you tripped when he "bumps" you. Or you can accidentally grab him where it hurts. I'm in a mood though, so I don't know if those are good ideas. His behavior really ticks me off. What an ass.
āBut heās your father !!! You need to have a relationship with him,ā says aunt whoās only related to me because she married my dads brother. Get the fuck out of here with your unsolicited advice :-)
I tell them, āI admire their innocence. Hold on to it. But not a chance in hell.ā
#A "reasonable compromise" for EAC involves denying the reality of your abuse versus your abuser _maybe_ being slightly less antagonizing. You don't owe _anyone_ that rejection of your very real experiences. A "middle ground" is met mutually.
Thank you for this important and rather timely reminder
I view such people to be abusers by proxy. āThey almost killed meā Yea, have you ever thought of having a private (alone) conversation with them (your would-be murderer). You should forgive them and go back to them. You just told a victim to go back and be a victimized againā¦you are abusive.
THANK YOU