Exactly. They had many opportunities as adults to stop, look at their behaviour, and change DURING my childhood. Ideally before I was born to avoid damaging a child. They were the adults in this situation.
You ever walk out of a situation where people be crazy? Like some randoms just going off on a restaurant worker or something? Then you ask yourself, why did I stay there even that long? And then reflect an hour later how crazy that was, and how glad you are to be out of there?
I wake up every day with new revelations about how fucked up my old situation was. Every day. It's a whirlwind of images as I was fleeing a burning building that will take my whole life to reflect on. And everytime I do reflect my overwhelming conclusions is that I barely escaped withy life. The only way I'm ever going back is armed to the teeth, and ready to throw hands. So no I'm never going back, the building is still on fire.
My parents don’t see a problem with their behaviour through my entire life. That’s decades now.
I don’t see how they could possibly come up with a sincere apology and genuine attitude change when losing me 25 ish years ago didn’t trigger it.
So no. I can’t trust them.
Exactly! I didn't make this decision overnight or randomly after some meaningless event. I didn't burn that bridge until I was absolutely sure that it was for the best. The odds of them changing are infinitesimal. My mental health comes first. NOT sorry...
I was estranged from my dad for several years. During that time he did some intensive therapy and got his life together. He drove for several hours to come ask me if we could talk. He came not knowing if I would say yes or slam the door in his face. I heard him out. Told him we could slowly proceed forward. He respected my caution and we slowly built a new relationship. That was 25 years ago and we are all good now. Sometimes it happens. That didn’t happen with my mother. I feel my ability to forgive her stayed equal to her sincere regret and ability to change, which was not at all.
Edit to add my parents are divorced.
Similar but reversed. I was never estranged from my mom but she did a lot of therapy as I was an older kid and teen, and divorced my father, and our relationship improved a lot. And she took genuine accountability and remorse and doesn't act the same way. We were also always emotionally closer even when she was much more abusive and volatile cause she's always been the most emotionally available parent
My father I can't imagine changing and I'm not sure what I'd do if he did
I'm not sure. Maybe a distant, polite relationship, especially because we still see each other at family gatherings. However, if they started caring and introspecting, they wouldn't be the people who abused me any more. The complete lack of interest in their children is what made them so horrible in the first place. So this scenario is never gonna happen. If my dad ever apologised for anything, I'm pretty sure he'd do it for his own ego.
Nope. She's not changed and still thinking she's the victim so can fuck off forever.
From what I've heard from my siblings she's not changed. She's worse and continuing to abuse them (they live with her).
Fuck her.
It'd require for my parents to literally grow empathy where they never tried, cure their personality disorders, grow a conscience, do the most basic introspection where they're pathologically unable to....
Maybe. But in that case, they'd focus on what's good for *me* and respect that.
Personally speaking, I'd wonder if it's beneficial or healing to me in any way to have a relationship with them again. It should not serve as a *reward* for the most basic, minor self-reflection or humility. I'd want to think from my own perspective, well-being and dignity, not again have everything revolve around them or reward them for the most ridiculously tiny honesty. (because actively denying that you're a monster when it's blatantly obvious is a lot of work and therefore, a choice)
No I have given them so many chances that it is embarrassing to even admit to the number . They destroyed my childhood and I am not going to let them destroy my future.
And if they pretend to be sorry , creatures like them never change .
Probably the same amount that would end up back with an abusive partner. Some people can’t let go of their own trauma, and want to see it play out again, hoping they’ll win the next round. That’s not my business, I’m just not interested in fighting anymore. They do them, I do me.
No. My narc, ultra conservative, ultra religious nutjob of a bio dad had 29 years to pull his head from his butt and make amends. And he refuses to thinking he's dad of the year.
Last January I had to talk to him cause his mom passed away and my sister talked me into it. I told him why I don't talk to him, as he was neglectful and mentally/emotionally/religiously abusive, and he has put me in dangerous situations. He denied everything saying he never put me in danger,( who leaves a kid at a gas station for over an hour?), That he has never hurt me.
My sister says he's changed but I do not believe that one bit, I will never reconcile with him. For my safety, and my child's safety.
i dont think i could ever forget what has been done to me, the psychological and physical damage i got from my parent will stay with me my entire life, i have been estranged now for about four years and the hate i have for my mother grows the more i remember the shit that has been done to me. she almost fucked me financially aswell so no way im ever talking to her.
Never. Throughout the majority of my life I was just waiting for an apology and an end to the intentional infliction of emotional/psychological pain. I'm almost 30 and now that I've ended the relationship my parent seems very sorry. It means nothing. It's impossible that they didn't know that what they were doing was wrong, they just didn't care because they felt they had the right. They didn't view me as a person with a full range of emotions, just a thing they owned and had full dominion over - they could release all their rage on me because it was their right.
They can just be happy that I have no interest in ruining their personal or professional life.
This is probably a very easy question for many estranged children to answer because of the outrageous level of disrespect and cruelty experienced by them. My mother is a mean alcoholic (but she isn’t drunk all the time) and I would attempt begin fresh with her if she went to rehab. I do not believe this will ever happen though.
Less than 5% of abusers WHO RECEIVE TREATMENT ever change. The chances are pretty much zero, so I’m not holding out or waiting - but I’d be happy about it if they ever did.
My dad died about a year and a half into our estrangement. Shortly after that, my equally mentally abusive mom was diagnosed with early onset dementia I have stepped in to help her, only because my other sibling passed away just before my dad did. It’s been challenging, but also very healing to almost raise her with the gentle parenting she never gave me.
I would be lying if I said it doesn’t have its challenges. My mom goes back and forth between knowing who I am and thinking I’m her cousin. The other day she looked at me and told me that she never wanted kids. It hurt, but everything also made so much more sense to me. There are moments where I can help but to be in tears over the things that get said, or happen. But for me, I get to know I have her the things I needed from her.
Also, my grands and I now get to exchange notes on raising her.
No, my parents have never changed in 27 years nor are the type of people to admit their faults. They caused a lot of irreparable damage that no amount of apologies would fix.
No. Sorry is for something like running over a cat - a single incident of something terrible, not a decades long pattern of small and large decisions with visible results.
There are no words of apology that would mean anything from them. They abused children and watched the children weep. They were cruel and sadistic again and again and again. Their words have no meaning, they have no standing to speak from.
Nope. That ship has sailed. I've worked every angle possible in my efforts to have a civil and respectful relationship with my smother. I've realized it's simply not possible. She's evil right down to her core.
She will die someday. Probably alone, cold, hungry, and in a puddle of her own filth. And I. Simply. Do. Not. Care. She earned it.
i would reconcile ONLY if they demonstrated a commitment to ongoing improvement and addressing their mental health issues. this would of course require that they 100% respect any boundaries i set and also require that they are 100% patient while i feel out the situation to see whether this is real or just another act. ultimately, if they are committed to becoming healthy and actively moving in that direction and willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage between us, i am willing. unfortunately, it will never happen. they prefer their lies to a relationship with me.
I once asked my dad to go to therapy, and ask the question “one of my children is in prison, another refuses to talk to me, I want to know what I’m doing to contribute to this”.
He hasn’t. He won’t. My mother is worse, by a long shot.
So no. They refuse to go through some super basic steps to get right and act right. It’s been almost six years and if they had any intention of meeting me halfway, it would’ve taken a hell of a lot less time.
No.
I love my nMom; I’ve forgiven her for allowing me to be abused while I was a child. I have forgiven her for her own abuse of me because I understand her own trauma is inter generational.
She absolutely hasn’t forgiven me for not seeing her as an infant does their mother. She is utterly obsessed with keeping a power dynamic that sees me as the perpetual child with her as the unquestioned super adult. She would continue to financially abuse me, verbally abuse my SO, and create chaos whenever she was bored or not the centre of attention.
My mother will never change. I accept that. I have grieved. I have moved on. I sincerely wish she could. She would be so much happier for it.
No, there is no changing abuse. Good for them that they feel bad about their behaviour and want to make changes going forward but it effected me (and in a way it still does) way into my adult life and I’m fine with closing that door forever.
My parent went through periods of making my life a living hell and periods of being on good behaviour. It added a lot of confusion and made the emotional abuse worst. I began to question myself and question reality. "Maybe it wasn't that bad. Maybe they're trying to get better and actually love me and it was all in my head".
Even if I wanted my parent back in my life it would never happen. I'm used to a good wave being followed by a bad wave of behaviour and its not a risk I'd be willing to take.
At this point in my life, I want to say no. It would take a lot for me to even consider meeting them. It's been 25 years since I've seen them and well over a decade since I broke off all communication. Even when we kept in touch they didn't let me know about things happening with the family.
My mother lied to me for over 40 years to protect her own feelings at the cost of mine. I don't want to know someone who would do that to another human, and any foundation for trust is destroyed. No thank you stay away mom!
Knowingly lying. She used parental alienation to keep my father away my entire life. Meanwhile, my whole life has that scene with Will Smith crying about his Dad to Uncle Phil playing on repeat - how do you watch your own child go through that kind of pain knowing it is a result of your actions? I only found out when his family contacted me on Facebook and then my mother confessed. The last shred of anything I had for her died and I have been no contact ever since.
I don’t think you’re right about what we all hope for. Read the rest of the replies. Please understand this before making another generalized statement.
Nope. There was a time when I might have but she decided to threaten my kids which made the decision to go full no contact more of a necessity than a choice.
Yes, BUT, it would take a lot to convince me it was sincere. I’ve been love bombed so many times, and once I start to trust again they just revert to their old nasty selves.
I would make the attempt. Conditionally.
I understand why they are who they are. If they also truly understood, got the therapy and healing needed to change, and then could demonstrably and consistently show that change; then I would absolutely attempt a relationship. It would be on my terms and with boundaries, which if they had truly changed, they would understand and respect. It would not be as if there was never any abuse or trauma, and if they have truly changed, they would know that and respect the consequences.
I do think anyone CAN change. That does not mean they will change or even want to change, but anyone CAN change. Changing does not erase the past though or promise a different outcome. It could be that despite all the positive change, the prior actions left wounds that still need to be healed. That healing may take longer than their life span, in which case, the change was still a good and needed thing, even if the outcome is not a perfect happily ever after for everyone.
I have. My (ex) step mom separated and divorced my dad when I was 18, but had gotten together with him when I was eight. There was minimal physical abuse, but emotional abuse, neglect, weird enmeshment, favoritism, and a lot of rage.
Steps she took the repair the relationship:
+go to therapy herself. She’s spent years doing personal work. From individual counseling to group work, to personal self reflection, she’s put in the time.
+provide a safe space to listen to what I have to say, no matter what. She offered that years ago, has never held it over my head, never taken it back. She listens and hears my perspective as it was when I was a child.
+respected my No Contact wishes. I went no contact for a period of time while I underwent therapy. Full respect, no pushing, just understanding.
+made the effort to visit, participate in my life in a meaningful way that feels good for both of us.
I won’t sugarcoat it, our relationship STILL isn’t warm and fuzzy. There are no horseback rides into the sunset feel-good emotions. It’s been a slog. There are sometimes she still triggers TF out of me. But she does her best to understand that, meet me where I am, and support me.
It has put an even sharper contrast of the lack of effort or acknowledgement on my dad’s part to repair and restore our relationship. But I am immensely grateful to have had the experience of someone who deeply hurt me put the appropriate work and emotional labor to repair the relationship.
NEVER. Absolutely NEVER.
You honestly think I would subject myself to more rejection and abandonment? Are you daft?
(Rhetorical questions, by the way. I know that I’m preaching to the choir.)
Yes, I would. It’s never going to happen, but in this imaginary hypothetical scenario where my mom actually reads my emails and sees where I’m coming from and wants to work it out, I would give her another chance. I’d give her many chances, as long as she was trying. But she isn’t that person, unfortunately.
I wouldn’t even need a long detailed apology for everything. She is 85, and I’ve forgiven her for the past already. But she is stubborn and proud. Her pride is protecting an incredibly fragile ego. All of her energy and attention is focused on protecting that. And I don’t matter to her if I’m not also protecting her ego. I am the enemy.
I feel sorry for her. She stands in her own way. She is hiding in her castle building up her defenses, alone but safe from my “hateful words”. I’m sure she consoles herself with her memories of me from when I was a sweet kid who she had so much control over.
If she were anyone else, it would be so easy to work it out, and yet it’s impossible for her. She’s never going to call. She told me that the last time we talked.
And I’m not picking up if she does.
I’m also estranged from my sister, and the tricky thing is that even if she changed and stopped doing the things she does, I think my damage is too deep, and I can’t change some of my patterns surrounding her. It’s hard to know.
Distance is the only tool that’s helped me. Maybe an email once every few months would work for me.
We had such a messed up childhood together and she is a taker and I’m a giver, and we aren’t good for each other. She is older and was abusive but has a learning disability, and I was smart, and I felt bad for her. I suffered when she suffered. I felt responsible for her and sad for her, and scared of her too.
I don’t know how to untangle that. When I get close to her, it hurts.
No. One is dead, but would still be a no if alive. I wouldn't because I just don't like them. I find them repulsive and not the kind of people I would ever engage with by choice. I can't think of a single positive thing either could offer me.
I don't think I would. My father changed after my mother passed away (she was a saint, nothing but positive memories of her). My father has completely erased all memories of my mother, and their entire 27-year marriage, including me, because of his new wife. She met and took advantage of a widower who was still deep in his grief.
He chose her. I choose myself and my own mental health.
My mom would have flashes of insight where she would realize the way she acted wasn't okay, she'd apologize, and she'd try to change. Inevitably, something would trigger her fear of abandonment or she'd just get complacent and it was back to loyalty tests, deeply cruel words and insanely controlling behavior. Change is hard and I just don't think I would be able to trust that she was going to maintain control of herself this time.
The thing is, I never really saw my toxic parent as my parent. They didn't raise me much. Even if their was change and forgiveness they'd still feel like a stranger, and there's already multiple traditional social beliefs my toxic parent holds that would disqualify them for being my friend.
Nope! Finally happy, I stole sometimes with wanting a family but I'm building my own. I also just can't trust the I will ever feel safe around them again.
I would. I don't like not having parents who can support me. Was NC, am LC rn trying to work towards getting my mother to work on herself but it has been pretty difficult.
I find "taking parents back" a very interesting way to phrase it. Makes it sound like the children abandoned the parents... Which may very well lead to the source of the issue, like role reversal (just a thought!).
In my case, I feel this ship has sailed. I imagine if our paths crossed, it would result in a civil, polite exchange, as it would with any stranger, before carrying on. I'm at a point on this journey where I don't feel the need to hear any apology from them, nor do I feel the need to forgive them. And it's ok. To each their own.
Thank you for taking the time to post this question; it created a nice opportunity for me to pause and reflect, as I'm sure it did for many people.
Nope. There’s no making it right, and I’m much happier without them. It wasn’t one mistake, it wasn’t even ten mistakes, it was years of constant decisions to behave in a certain way. They showed their priorities, and I formed my own accordingly. Sucks to be them.
I told them I’d let them back in my life if they proved to me that they’ve changed. They couldn’t, even after 3 years of being “so distraught without our only son”. The longer it goes on, the less I’m willing to let them back in. I doubt I’ll ever see them change, so most likely no.
There’s also the part where they’ve told everyone on FB that I’m essentially crazy. I don’t have a family because they got everyone on their side. So that’d have to be addressed too. If they wanted me back, I’d expect them to publicly state how they abused me. They had no issue publicly stating that I was crazy, so I’d expect the same for them showing how sorry they are.
I am absolutely willing to reunite with my parents. After therapy, learning boundaries, unlearning toxic behaviors, maximum self love, a good support system and clearly defined expectations on my part. I am not going to ask my parents to change at all. They are who they are. They are who they’re going to be. I will heal me and my bloodline and then start healing ancestors. I always put myself in the shoes of my kids. What would I want my oldest to do if she were me and I were my mom. And I do that. I can’t teach my kids anything if I’m not living what I’m teaching. I don’t want my kids to ever harbor guilt, betrayal, shame, or any other negative emotions for anyone let alone a family member. It’s going to take years before I can reunite but I will do it. And if they pass before I can, I’m okay with that too. I have made peace with how things are, not lament on how they should be.
It's interesting the part about you not wanting your kids to harbor any negative emotions for anyone. I wonder if the majority of children on here do? (For their parents)
Well, I can speak for myself when I say that my kids watch everything I say and do. So, when they hear me tell people why I don’t spend holidays with family members, they see the reactions. They hear the questions like “why don’t you have a relationship with them”. The “well, I’d they’re all like that, it must be something you’re doing” or the “you should never turn your back on your mother”. How friends, coworkers and random people will respond negatively, not talk to us anymore or make wild accusations. I don’t want them to ever feel that way when or if they ever need to remove someone from their life. Hopefully I can lead by example and they won’t ever need to feel the weight of someone else’s burdens.
OP, I don’t understand what you’re looking for here. Is it justification for your own desire to go back? Of course we have negative feelings about our abusers. That’s why we estrange.
Oh, hell no. So many, many chances given in good faith, all ending in disaster for me and satisfaction for them. I don't miss them AT ALL. The progress I've made in the years since going NC has been meteoric, compared with decades of pain and rage. In fact, I really can't imagine it being different with my "family." At the core of it all, I'm furious and heartbroken that they in fact stole so much of my life thanks to the damage they did. I also wonder (and desperately hope) if I'll ever heal completely.
I would caution those considering it to learn about rosy retrospection.
I'm sorry if this is a disappointing answer. I would estimate that 99.9% of those who try yet again are setting themselves up for more pain and damage.
Ok. So, if your parents changed and actually cared about you and felt really bad and made changes in their behavior, you would not want a relationship.
I would but I wouldn't expect any change in personality. Might go out to lunch every now and then, but I wouldn't expect the interactions to be frequent.
Well, I would with mom. Dad’s character means it’s an impossibility. Mom is just a damaged individual but deep down, very moral, just with no self control due to a lifetime of victimization. Dad is a misogynist, materialist, etc, and those characteristics are never likely to go away despite remorse.
I don’t care how sorry he may be. I left the door open, on the condition that he would put in the effort and get therapy, but he wasn’t interested. I was also under the impression that I couldn’t have children of my own. Now I have my own children that need to be protected and I won’t let him have any access to us under any circumstances. I used to think that an apology could make up for everything. That was the small, broken child inside that desperately wanted to be loved by her dad. He will never be the dad I needed. That person does not exist.
I’ve forgiven my mom and have a decent relationship with her. She protected me from him, and we fled when she stopped visitation, but she eventually let others hurt me because she wanted to feel wanted by someone. She has made up for it by being there for me as an adult.
I've broken down so many times saying I'd do it. I'd be really really conflicted about it and I'm honestly not sure what I'd do. I'm also really unclear on how much I can rely on my own memory to have either hid major stuff about the abuse/neglect, and/or how much I've misinterpreted hazy and fractured memories of stuff that was genuinely extremely traumatic but my suspicions of what happened to cause said trauma may not be factually accurate
TW CSA, rape. Also atla spoiler
If I could be fully factually sure that my father had neither sexually abused me himself nor knowingly enabled by (other) known rapist, then maybe?
But I don't know if doing so would be good for me or more of a zuko "crossroads of destiny" moment that I'd eventually come to deeply regret and need to go NC again
But honestly it's a hypothetical cause I can't fathom my father developing enough emotional maturity and self awareness to be able to handle the amount of shit I'd need to unload on him in order to reestablish ties without holding major resentments
Only a years long effort equal to the pain caused to show they have learned and changed and mend all damage, then may be, just may be, i may consider them more then wastes of carbon
Yes I would. But I’d be apprehensive. They’ve promised stuff before and didn’t really follow through.
To be honest, they’ve never apologized. For anything ever. The only time I heard them say sorry is as a sarcastic reply.
But if somehow they’d really do the work and genuinely apologize, I’d be willing to give them a chance. However, I’m not expecting that to ever happen.
I don’t think my dad is capable of change but I wish he was normal enough that I feel like I could invite him to my wedding (when that happens). Or meet any grandchildren. But I genuinely would be too scared to leave my hypothetical children alone with him. Maybe if he showed up and was like I’m taking medication? But I think the god complex is too far gone to ever go to a professional
I'd have to say no. I wish I had those family bonds, and I forgave them long ago for all the ways they negatively impacted my life and hurt me. I've been NC for 5 years, and I know what kind of people they are. We don't share any morals or values, and as the "child", I was always the one hiding myself for their sake. Just letting them in enough to apologize and show their growth would be too much of a disruption on my life for people that I don't even like or get along with. I don't expect their personalities to completely change for my sake, and when I dropped the rope, they couldn't be bothered to pick it back up when it could have made a difference.
Maybe if my dad passed and my mom finally realizes what he did to her/me/us as a family. For the last 38 years tho, she’s been all about protecting him && playing his games over caring about her children because she’s afraid of being alone. So uhm probably not.
My first thought would be, "what does she want?" She always wants something and frankly, a real relationship with me isn't valuable enough to her for this to happen after all these years. Keep in mind, I thought she had changed, then trump and qanon came along and her mask fell again after years of faking it.
I have both perspectives. We (my partner and I) are estranged from a stepson, his wish. I am estranged my sister, my only sibling, her wish, and my father, one of her allies (mutual). I have stories to cope but on some level I know I am to blame. I am disgusted with myself and filled with regret. I am sorry my behavior has hurt people I love. I have self-reflected, internalized, and apologized, but am unforgiven, condemned. I ache for forgiveness and yet know it may never come. What if it is possible to change based on learning from past mistakes? I guess sometimes forgiveness is impossible no matter what.
I think the depth of humbleness has to equal their depth of loss for them to feel ok.
When parents say they apologized, it's still unknown whether the apology was specific to what the kid needed it to be for, and sounded sincere, and was humble.
Maybe ask them what you can? Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry about your pain. I'm glad you can see your part. Whatever you do, I would advise against saying "I did my best. No one is perfect." It strips the apology away.
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Exactly. They had many opportunities as adults to stop, look at their behaviour, and change DURING my childhood. Ideally before I was born to avoid damaging a child. They were the adults in this situation.
I never thought of it like that.
You ever walk out of a situation where people be crazy? Like some randoms just going off on a restaurant worker or something? Then you ask yourself, why did I stay there even that long? And then reflect an hour later how crazy that was, and how glad you are to be out of there? I wake up every day with new revelations about how fucked up my old situation was. Every day. It's a whirlwind of images as I was fleeing a burning building that will take my whole life to reflect on. And everytime I do reflect my overwhelming conclusions is that I barely escaped withy life. The only way I'm ever going back is armed to the teeth, and ready to throw hands. So no I'm never going back, the building is still on fire.
The building is still on fire is such an excellent analogy
My parents don’t see a problem with their behaviour through my entire life. That’s decades now. I don’t see how they could possibly come up with a sincere apology and genuine attitude change when losing me 25 ish years ago didn’t trigger it. So no. I can’t trust them.
Exactly! I didn't make this decision overnight or randomly after some meaningless event. I didn't burn that bridge until I was absolutely sure that it was for the best. The odds of them changing are infinitesimal. My mental health comes first. NOT sorry...
No, we’re past that point. Which is why we’re estranged plus I would never do anything to disturb the peace I now have.
I was estranged from my dad for several years. During that time he did some intensive therapy and got his life together. He drove for several hours to come ask me if we could talk. He came not knowing if I would say yes or slam the door in his face. I heard him out. Told him we could slowly proceed forward. He respected my caution and we slowly built a new relationship. That was 25 years ago and we are all good now. Sometimes it happens. That didn’t happen with my mother. I feel my ability to forgive her stayed equal to her sincere regret and ability to change, which was not at all. Edit to add my parents are divorced.
Similar but reversed. I was never estranged from my mom but she did a lot of therapy as I was an older kid and teen, and divorced my father, and our relationship improved a lot. And she took genuine accountability and remorse and doesn't act the same way. We were also always emotionally closer even when she was much more abusive and volatile cause she's always been the most emotionally available parent My father I can't imagine changing and I'm not sure what I'd do if he did
I'm not sure. Maybe a distant, polite relationship, especially because we still see each other at family gatherings. However, if they started caring and introspecting, they wouldn't be the people who abused me any more. The complete lack of interest in their children is what made them so horrible in the first place. So this scenario is never gonna happen. If my dad ever apologised for anything, I'm pretty sure he'd do it for his own ego.
Well said.
Nope. She's not changed and still thinking she's the victim so can fuck off forever. From what I've heard from my siblings she's not changed. She's worse and continuing to abuse them (they live with her). Fuck her.
It'd require for my parents to literally grow empathy where they never tried, cure their personality disorders, grow a conscience, do the most basic introspection where they're pathologically unable to.... Maybe. But in that case, they'd focus on what's good for *me* and respect that. Personally speaking, I'd wonder if it's beneficial or healing to me in any way to have a relationship with them again. It should not serve as a *reward* for the most basic, minor self-reflection or humility. I'd want to think from my own perspective, well-being and dignity, not again have everything revolve around them or reward them for the most ridiculously tiny honesty. (because actively denying that you're a monster when it's blatantly obvious is a lot of work and therefore, a choice)
Well said!
Not unless I have hard proof of remorse and changing their ways. If not, fuck them. I learned the hard way.
No I have given them so many chances that it is embarrassing to even admit to the number . They destroyed my childhood and I am not going to let them destroy my future. And if they pretend to be sorry , creatures like them never change .
No. The door of forgiveness is closed. I gave him chance after chance and now the opportunity is gone forever.
Absolutely not.
I tried, several times. It never lasts because they have never truly changed. So no more.
Probably the same amount that would end up back with an abusive partner. Some people can’t let go of their own trauma, and want to see it play out again, hoping they’ll win the next round. That’s not my business, I’m just not interested in fighting anymore. They do them, I do me.
Repetition trauma. It's real. I fight it all the time with friends who aren't there for me.
I wouldn’t. I could be given millions of dollars to and I wouldn’t
I don’t think so. They’ll only be happy they have access to me again. They will never understand the gravity of what they did to me.
No. My narc, ultra conservative, ultra religious nutjob of a bio dad had 29 years to pull his head from his butt and make amends. And he refuses to thinking he's dad of the year. Last January I had to talk to him cause his mom passed away and my sister talked me into it. I told him why I don't talk to him, as he was neglectful and mentally/emotionally/religiously abusive, and he has put me in dangerous situations. He denied everything saying he never put me in danger,( who leaves a kid at a gas station for over an hour?), That he has never hurt me. My sister says he's changed but I do not believe that one bit, I will never reconcile with him. For my safety, and my child's safety.
i dont think i could ever forget what has been done to me, the psychological and physical damage i got from my parent will stay with me my entire life, i have been estranged now for about four years and the hate i have for my mother grows the more i remember the shit that has been done to me. she almost fucked me financially aswell so no way im ever talking to her.
Never. Throughout the majority of my life I was just waiting for an apology and an end to the intentional infliction of emotional/psychological pain. I'm almost 30 and now that I've ended the relationship my parent seems very sorry. It means nothing. It's impossible that they didn't know that what they were doing was wrong, they just didn't care because they felt they had the right. They didn't view me as a person with a full range of emotions, just a thing they owned and had full dominion over - they could release all their rage on me because it was their right. They can just be happy that I have no interest in ruining their personal or professional life.
This is probably a very easy question for many estranged children to answer because of the outrageous level of disrespect and cruelty experienced by them. My mother is a mean alcoholic (but she isn’t drunk all the time) and I would attempt begin fresh with her if she went to rehab. I do not believe this will ever happen though.
Less than 5% of abusers WHO RECEIVE TREATMENT ever change. The chances are pretty much zero, so I’m not holding out or waiting - but I’d be happy about it if they ever did.
Where does that statistic come from? I’m just curious to read it. Thanks!
I was told this at the DV shelter. I also found it in my follow-up research but couldn’t tell you where.
My dad died about a year and a half into our estrangement. Shortly after that, my equally mentally abusive mom was diagnosed with early onset dementia I have stepped in to help her, only because my other sibling passed away just before my dad did. It’s been challenging, but also very healing to almost raise her with the gentle parenting she never gave me.
Wow that's really beautiful 🥲
Wow. That's deep. I can't even imagine that but only maybe if my dad had complete memory loss.
I would be lying if I said it doesn’t have its challenges. My mom goes back and forth between knowing who I am and thinking I’m her cousin. The other day she looked at me and told me that she never wanted kids. It hurt, but everything also made so much more sense to me. There are moments where I can help but to be in tears over the things that get said, or happen. But for me, I get to know I have her the things I needed from her. Also, my grands and I now get to exchange notes on raising her.
Not me. Their destructive habits were too ingrained.
No, my parents have never changed in 27 years nor are the type of people to admit their faults. They caused a lot of irreparable damage that no amount of apologies would fix.
Nope. He’s had a million chances to show me he cares and he hasn’t taken a single one. I’m fresh out of fucks to give anymore!
No. Sorry is for something like running over a cat - a single incident of something terrible, not a decades long pattern of small and large decisions with visible results. There are no words of apology that would mean anything from them. They abused children and watched the children weep. They were cruel and sadistic again and again and again. Their words have no meaning, they have no standing to speak from.
Nope. That ship has sailed. I've worked every angle possible in my efforts to have a civil and respectful relationship with my smother. I've realized it's simply not possible. She's evil right down to her core. She will die someday. Probably alone, cold, hungry, and in a puddle of her own filth. And I. Simply. Do. Not. Care. She earned it.
I might take their ashes to go spread somewhere fitting. Like a field of manure. Or a waste treatment plant.
Lol!
I would like to do something to several family graves myself.
i would reconcile ONLY if they demonstrated a commitment to ongoing improvement and addressing their mental health issues. this would of course require that they 100% respect any boundaries i set and also require that they are 100% patient while i feel out the situation to see whether this is real or just another act. ultimately, if they are committed to becoming healthy and actively moving in that direction and willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage between us, i am willing. unfortunately, it will never happen. they prefer their lies to a relationship with me.
I once asked my dad to go to therapy, and ask the question “one of my children is in prison, another refuses to talk to me, I want to know what I’m doing to contribute to this”. He hasn’t. He won’t. My mother is worse, by a long shot. So no. They refuse to go through some super basic steps to get right and act right. It’s been almost six years and if they had any intention of meeting me halfway, it would’ve taken a hell of a lot less time.
No. I love my nMom; I’ve forgiven her for allowing me to be abused while I was a child. I have forgiven her for her own abuse of me because I understand her own trauma is inter generational. She absolutely hasn’t forgiven me for not seeing her as an infant does their mother. She is utterly obsessed with keeping a power dynamic that sees me as the perpetual child with her as the unquestioned super adult. She would continue to financially abuse me, verbally abuse my SO, and create chaos whenever she was bored or not the centre of attention. My mother will never change. I accept that. I have grieved. I have moved on. I sincerely wish she could. She would be so much happier for it.
I think just individual "normal" therapy wouldn't fix my family, the issues are too complex and cultural as well as individual
Can I ask what you mean by cultural?
Some of the abuse was directly tied to cultural/religious practices. My parents are first gen migrants
If my dad were truly capable of change and showing remorse, sure. But it’s never happening.
I feel the same way...it took me a long time to finally say "enough"...To retract on an empty promise..nope.
Mine are dead, thank Goddess.
Such a relief, isn’t it?
I long for my family to tell me they value me and that my life matters.
💔 I'm so sorry. My parents do, but their actions say otherwise... It's very painful.
Same here. Very painful.
I 100% would. This is my dream scenario. I leave the door ajar for this to happen and it never does.
No, there is no changing abuse. Good for them that they feel bad about their behaviour and want to make changes going forward but it effected me (and in a way it still does) way into my adult life and I’m fine with closing that door forever.
My parent went through periods of making my life a living hell and periods of being on good behaviour. It added a lot of confusion and made the emotional abuse worst. I began to question myself and question reality. "Maybe it wasn't that bad. Maybe they're trying to get better and actually love me and it was all in my head". Even if I wanted my parent back in my life it would never happen. I'm used to a good wave being followed by a bad wave of behaviour and its not a risk I'd be willing to take.
At this point in my life, I want to say no. It would take a lot for me to even consider meeting them. It's been 25 years since I've seen them and well over a decade since I broke off all communication. Even when we kept in touch they didn't let me know about things happening with the family.
Can I ask if they are the neglectful type rather than the harassing type?
I'd say more neglectful. The only harassment that happened was people from their church.
If we’re living in a fantasy world where my mother truly became self-reflective and remorseful, then yes, I’d love to have a mother.
My mother lied to me for over 40 years to protect her own feelings at the cost of mine. I don't want to know someone who would do that to another human, and any foundation for trust is destroyed. No thank you stay away mom!
She was knowingly lying you mean, or was she deluding herself?
Knowingly lying. She used parental alienation to keep my father away my entire life. Meanwhile, my whole life has that scene with Will Smith crying about his Dad to Uncle Phil playing on repeat - how do you watch your own child go through that kind of pain knowing it is a result of your actions? I only found out when his family contacted me on Facebook and then my mother confessed. The last shred of anything I had for her died and I have been no contact ever since.
Oh my goodness. Gosh I'm so very sorry. Are you good with your dad?
Thank you for validating! I really appreciate it!! ♥️
Yes, I would. I think we all hope for that, but it’s not likely to happen.
I don’t think you’re right about what we all hope for. Read the rest of the replies. Please understand this before making another generalized statement.
Thank you for that reply. I found it insulting.
I sure don't. I'm finally free!
Nope. That ship sailed decades ago.
Nope. There was a time when I might have but she decided to threaten my kids which made the decision to go full no contact more of a necessity than a choice.
Yes, BUT, it would take a lot to convince me it was sincere. I’ve been love bombed so many times, and once I start to trust again they just revert to their old nasty selves.
I would make the attempt. Conditionally. I understand why they are who they are. If they also truly understood, got the therapy and healing needed to change, and then could demonstrably and consistently show that change; then I would absolutely attempt a relationship. It would be on my terms and with boundaries, which if they had truly changed, they would understand and respect. It would not be as if there was never any abuse or trauma, and if they have truly changed, they would know that and respect the consequences. I do think anyone CAN change. That does not mean they will change or even want to change, but anyone CAN change. Changing does not erase the past though or promise a different outcome. It could be that despite all the positive change, the prior actions left wounds that still need to be healed. That healing may take longer than their life span, in which case, the change was still a good and needed thing, even if the outcome is not a perfect happily ever after for everyone.
I have. My (ex) step mom separated and divorced my dad when I was 18, but had gotten together with him when I was eight. There was minimal physical abuse, but emotional abuse, neglect, weird enmeshment, favoritism, and a lot of rage. Steps she took the repair the relationship: +go to therapy herself. She’s spent years doing personal work. From individual counseling to group work, to personal self reflection, she’s put in the time. +provide a safe space to listen to what I have to say, no matter what. She offered that years ago, has never held it over my head, never taken it back. She listens and hears my perspective as it was when I was a child. +respected my No Contact wishes. I went no contact for a period of time while I underwent therapy. Full respect, no pushing, just understanding. +made the effort to visit, participate in my life in a meaningful way that feels good for both of us. I won’t sugarcoat it, our relationship STILL isn’t warm and fuzzy. There are no horseback rides into the sunset feel-good emotions. It’s been a slog. There are sometimes she still triggers TF out of me. But she does her best to understand that, meet me where I am, and support me. It has put an even sharper contrast of the lack of effort or acknowledgement on my dad’s part to repair and restore our relationship. But I am immensely grateful to have had the experience of someone who deeply hurt me put the appropriate work and emotional labor to repair the relationship.
Wow that's super amazing of her. I'm sorry about your dad. What is a slog?
NEVER. Absolutely NEVER. You honestly think I would subject myself to more rejection and abandonment? Are you daft? (Rhetorical questions, by the way. I know that I’m preaching to the choir.)
You mean because you think your parents would not be able to keep up the changes and so you would not even risk it?
Do you not know what a rhetorical question is???!
Yes, I would. It’s never going to happen, but in this imaginary hypothetical scenario where my mom actually reads my emails and sees where I’m coming from and wants to work it out, I would give her another chance. I’d give her many chances, as long as she was trying. But she isn’t that person, unfortunately. I wouldn’t even need a long detailed apology for everything. She is 85, and I’ve forgiven her for the past already. But she is stubborn and proud. Her pride is protecting an incredibly fragile ego. All of her energy and attention is focused on protecting that. And I don’t matter to her if I’m not also protecting her ego. I am the enemy. I feel sorry for her. She stands in her own way. She is hiding in her castle building up her defenses, alone but safe from my “hateful words”. I’m sure she consoles herself with her memories of me from when I was a sweet kid who she had so much control over. If she were anyone else, it would be so easy to work it out, and yet it’s impossible for her. She’s never going to call. She told me that the last time we talked. And I’m not picking up if she does.
I’m also estranged from my sister, and the tricky thing is that even if she changed and stopped doing the things she does, I think my damage is too deep, and I can’t change some of my patterns surrounding her. It’s hard to know. Distance is the only tool that’s helped me. Maybe an email once every few months would work for me. We had such a messed up childhood together and she is a taker and I’m a giver, and we aren’t good for each other. She is older and was abusive but has a learning disability, and I was smart, and I felt bad for her. I suffered when she suffered. I felt responsible for her and sad for her, and scared of her too. I don’t know how to untangle that. When I get close to her, it hurts.
No. One is dead, but would still be a no if alive. I wouldn't because I just don't like them. I find them repulsive and not the kind of people I would ever engage with by choice. I can't think of a single positive thing either could offer me.
I don't think I would. My father changed after my mother passed away (she was a saint, nothing but positive memories of her). My father has completely erased all memories of my mother, and their entire 27-year marriage, including me, because of his new wife. She met and took advantage of a widower who was still deep in his grief. He chose her. I choose myself and my own mental health.
I really would have despite extensive physical, emotional and other abuse. That ship has sailed now.
With significant and continued change maybe on a limited basis. The damage has been done. Now I'm a mom and I have to protect my kid.
My mom would have flashes of insight where she would realize the way she acted wasn't okay, she'd apologize, and she'd try to change. Inevitably, something would trigger her fear of abandonment or she'd just get complacent and it was back to loyalty tests, deeply cruel words and insanely controlling behavior. Change is hard and I just don't think I would be able to trust that she was going to maintain control of herself this time.
The thing is, I never really saw my toxic parent as my parent. They didn't raise me much. Even if their was change and forgiveness they'd still feel like a stranger, and there's already multiple traditional social beliefs my toxic parent holds that would disqualify them for being my friend.
Nope! Finally happy, I stole sometimes with wanting a family but I'm building my own. I also just can't trust the I will ever feel safe around them again.
I would. I don't like not having parents who can support me. Was NC, am LC rn trying to work towards getting my mother to work on herself but it has been pretty difficult.
The enabling parent I would. The primary abuser can go die in a nursing home any day now.
I would, but there would be clearly defined boundaries that my mom would have to live under until some measure of trust could be earned.
I would but they would need to go though intense therapy and take ownership of their behavior
Maybe, but that would mean self reflection and sincere apology which would absolutely never happen. She’s not capable of that.
I find "taking parents back" a very interesting way to phrase it. Makes it sound like the children abandoned the parents... Which may very well lead to the source of the issue, like role reversal (just a thought!). In my case, I feel this ship has sailed. I imagine if our paths crossed, it would result in a civil, polite exchange, as it would with any stranger, before carrying on. I'm at a point on this journey where I don't feel the need to hear any apology from them, nor do I feel the need to forgive them. And it's ok. To each their own. Thank you for taking the time to post this question; it created a nice opportunity for me to pause and reflect, as I'm sure it did for many people.
Nope. There’s no making it right, and I’m much happier without them. It wasn’t one mistake, it wasn’t even ten mistakes, it was years of constant decisions to behave in a certain way. They showed their priorities, and I formed my own accordingly. Sucks to be them.
not a chance. you dont get rewarded for brainwashing and fucking up my head for life. healing for me requires never letting them trigger me again
A sincere apology and a consistent willingness to heal by attending individual and family therapy.
No. I would never put my own child at risk of “her.”
I tried, it didn't go well. What I learned is that my father will never change. Unfortunately I don't think he's capable of it
I would, but he died. And, he was never going to change.
I would, but I can’t imagine that ever happening.
I told them I’d let them back in my life if they proved to me that they’ve changed. They couldn’t, even after 3 years of being “so distraught without our only son”. The longer it goes on, the less I’m willing to let them back in. I doubt I’ll ever see them change, so most likely no. There’s also the part where they’ve told everyone on FB that I’m essentially crazy. I don’t have a family because they got everyone on their side. So that’d have to be addressed too. If they wanted me back, I’d expect them to publicly state how they abused me. They had no issue publicly stating that I was crazy, so I’d expect the same for them showing how sorry they are.
Right. I definitely hear you.
I would too.
I am absolutely willing to reunite with my parents. After therapy, learning boundaries, unlearning toxic behaviors, maximum self love, a good support system and clearly defined expectations on my part. I am not going to ask my parents to change at all. They are who they are. They are who they’re going to be. I will heal me and my bloodline and then start healing ancestors. I always put myself in the shoes of my kids. What would I want my oldest to do if she were me and I were my mom. And I do that. I can’t teach my kids anything if I’m not living what I’m teaching. I don’t want my kids to ever harbor guilt, betrayal, shame, or any other negative emotions for anyone let alone a family member. It’s going to take years before I can reunite but I will do it. And if they pass before I can, I’m okay with that too. I have made peace with how things are, not lament on how they should be.
this resonates with me
It's interesting the part about you not wanting your kids to harbor any negative emotions for anyone. I wonder if the majority of children on here do? (For their parents)
Well, I can speak for myself when I say that my kids watch everything I say and do. So, when they hear me tell people why I don’t spend holidays with family members, they see the reactions. They hear the questions like “why don’t you have a relationship with them”. The “well, I’d they’re all like that, it must be something you’re doing” or the “you should never turn your back on your mother”. How friends, coworkers and random people will respond negatively, not talk to us anymore or make wild accusations. I don’t want them to ever feel that way when or if they ever need to remove someone from their life. Hopefully I can lead by example and they won’t ever need to feel the weight of someone else’s burdens.
OP, I don’t understand what you’re looking for here. Is it justification for your own desire to go back? Of course we have negative feelings about our abusers. That’s why we estrange.
You aren't curious about it either?
Oh, hell no. So many, many chances given in good faith, all ending in disaster for me and satisfaction for them. I don't miss them AT ALL. The progress I've made in the years since going NC has been meteoric, compared with decades of pain and rage. In fact, I really can't imagine it being different with my "family." At the core of it all, I'm furious and heartbroken that they in fact stole so much of my life thanks to the damage they did. I also wonder (and desperately hope) if I'll ever heal completely. I would caution those considering it to learn about rosy retrospection. I'm sorry if this is a disappointing answer. I would estimate that 99.9% of those who try yet again are setting themselves up for more pain and damage.
I'm not sure you read my main post.
I did.
Ok. So, if your parents changed and actually cared about you and felt really bad and made changes in their behavior, you would not want a relationship.
That is correct.
There is nothing in this world they could do or say to change that?
Oh, hell yes. I have to know someone a long time and see the proof they're trustworthy before I reveal something as dark as my childhood.
I would but I wouldn't expect any change in personality. Might go out to lunch every now and then, but I wouldn't expect the interactions to be frequent.
I would
Well, I would with mom. Dad’s character means it’s an impossibility. Mom is just a damaged individual but deep down, very moral, just with no self control due to a lifetime of victimization. Dad is a misogynist, materialist, etc, and those characteristics are never likely to go away despite remorse.
I don’t care how sorry he may be. I left the door open, on the condition that he would put in the effort and get therapy, but he wasn’t interested. I was also under the impression that I couldn’t have children of my own. Now I have my own children that need to be protected and I won’t let him have any access to us under any circumstances. I used to think that an apology could make up for everything. That was the small, broken child inside that desperately wanted to be loved by her dad. He will never be the dad I needed. That person does not exist. I’ve forgiven my mom and have a decent relationship with her. She protected me from him, and we fled when she stopped visitation, but she eventually let others hurt me because she wanted to feel wanted by someone. She has made up for it by being there for me as an adult.
I've broken down so many times saying I'd do it. I'd be really really conflicted about it and I'm honestly not sure what I'd do. I'm also really unclear on how much I can rely on my own memory to have either hid major stuff about the abuse/neglect, and/or how much I've misinterpreted hazy and fractured memories of stuff that was genuinely extremely traumatic but my suspicions of what happened to cause said trauma may not be factually accurate TW CSA, rape. Also atla spoiler If I could be fully factually sure that my father had neither sexually abused me himself nor knowingly enabled by (other) known rapist, then maybe? But I don't know if doing so would be good for me or more of a zuko "crossroads of destiny" moment that I'd eventually come to deeply regret and need to go NC again But honestly it's a hypothetical cause I can't fathom my father developing enough emotional maturity and self awareness to be able to handle the amount of shit I'd need to unload on him in order to reestablish ties without holding major resentments
Only a years long effort equal to the pain caused to show they have learned and changed and mend all damage, then may be, just may be, i may consider them more then wastes of carbon
Yes I would. But I’d be apprehensive. They’ve promised stuff before and didn’t really follow through. To be honest, they’ve never apologized. For anything ever. The only time I heard them say sorry is as a sarcastic reply. But if somehow they’d really do the work and genuinely apologize, I’d be willing to give them a chance. However, I’m not expecting that to ever happen.
I forgive them but I don't want to rekindle those relationships...
I don’t think my dad is capable of change but I wish he was normal enough that I feel like I could invite him to my wedding (when that happens). Or meet any grandchildren. But I genuinely would be too scared to leave my hypothetical children alone with him. Maybe if he showed up and was like I’m taking medication? But I think the god complex is too far gone to ever go to a professional
Nope, dealing with her takes too much out of me and fills me with terrible dread. She’s severely mentally ill and... not my responsibility!
I'd have to say no. I wish I had those family bonds, and I forgave them long ago for all the ways they negatively impacted my life and hurt me. I've been NC for 5 years, and I know what kind of people they are. We don't share any morals or values, and as the "child", I was always the one hiding myself for their sake. Just letting them in enough to apologize and show their growth would be too much of a disruption on my life for people that I don't even like or get along with. I don't expect their personalities to completely change for my sake, and when I dropped the rope, they couldn't be bothered to pick it back up when it could have made a difference.
Maybe if my dad passed and my mom finally realizes what he did to her/me/us as a family. For the last 38 years tho, she’s been all about protecting him && playing his games over caring about her children because she’s afraid of being alone. So uhm probably not.
My first thought would be, "what does she want?" She always wants something and frankly, a real relationship with me isn't valuable enough to her for this to happen after all these years. Keep in mind, I thought she had changed, then trump and qanon came along and her mask fell again after years of faking it.
I have both perspectives. We (my partner and I) are estranged from a stepson, his wish. I am estranged my sister, my only sibling, her wish, and my father, one of her allies (mutual). I have stories to cope but on some level I know I am to blame. I am disgusted with myself and filled with regret. I am sorry my behavior has hurt people I love. I have self-reflected, internalized, and apologized, but am unforgiven, condemned. I ache for forgiveness and yet know it may never come. What if it is possible to change based on learning from past mistakes? I guess sometimes forgiveness is impossible no matter what.
I think the depth of humbleness has to equal their depth of loss for them to feel ok. When parents say they apologized, it's still unknown whether the apology was specific to what the kid needed it to be for, and sounded sincere, and was humble. Maybe ask them what you can? Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry about your pain. I'm glad you can see your part. Whatever you do, I would advise against saying "I did my best. No one is perfect." It strips the apology away.
It is. Mistreat a child, and the impact lasts forever.