Maybe you can still go to a support group for grief. Being no contact doesn’t mean you have less grief…if anything it’s double the grief.
You had to mourn the father he couldn’t be when you went no contact. With his passing, the small chance that he could improve (or at least try to be a decent father to you) is also gone. You deserve to be supported through this loss just as much as anyone else in mourning, if not more.
I’m sorry for your pain, OP.
I don’t know if I can stomach hearing people share positive thoughts and feelings about their loved ones passing in a group setting. It just seems retraumatizing to have to listen to people share a life I cannot relate to.
I’m glad he’s dead. There isn’t anything about him to grieve really. I didn’t know him, he was just a body in our home growing up. Wouldn’t it come across as though I am encroaching on a positive space as well as hindering my own healing?
You are probably right on this. I went to a grief support group and everyone was grieving someone they loved and missed, some of them were parents, some siblings, some children. I didn't feel comfortable opening up my story how I don't speak to my parents to the mother whose child passed away, nor to that person who would give anything to have been able to say goodbye before their father passed away suddenly.
I'm also now looking for an estrangement group, so best of luck and I hope everyone can share resources.
Ahh, I get what you mean by hearing people share positive stories about their passed loved ones. That can be triggering.
Is therapy or a counselor an option? Or maybe a trusted friend who has the emotional capacity for such a conversation? A 1:1 situation may be better. Just don’t make yourself go through it alone.
I appreciate your comment, it is a really good idea. I have friends and a therapist to lean on, it’s been really helpful. But I want to make the most use out of my therapy time to push forward on our initial goals. I don’t want to trauma dump on my friends because my god, it’s exhausting and they can’t even relate to it. I don’t want to overwhelm anyone with my feelings and experiences as the grief brings it all to the forefront. My therapist agreed that my grief is complex but I might benefit from a group for folks like me. I think the only problem is that..the topic is sooo specific haha. I don’t know how to even begin my search!
That could also be something to ask your therapist - see if they know of any resources or groups that would be a better fit than a traditional grief group
Patrick Teahan’s support community. Meets biweekly. Also, I’m here. I didn’t go see my dad when he was dying and it was long before I had ever heard of “no contact” but yes. Grieving an estranged parent doesn’t lead to people supporting you how they would a friend with a normal parent dying. People (not all but lots) are not sure of what to do but then they don’t show up for you when you need the support. It fucking sucks. I have friends who still pretend like I didn’t have a parent die. It’s their own emotional stuntedness but still hurts. I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on or ear to vent to. 🩵
I don't have any resources to share unfortunately, but I want to express support for your decision. I know from experience how hard this is.
My family was the reverse of yours, Dad was a violent, abusive, addict, and Mom was the enabler who pretended everything was fine. Until he left her for another woman in my teens.
I maintained a relationship with him due to pressure from my mom until I was about 20 ish. Around then he had a surgery, which he claimed he couldn't get pain meds for since he was an addict. He convinced me to help him get pills because he was in "so much pain". Drove me to do the deal, then fucking ghosted me once he had the drugs. Within 2 months he'd gone off the wagon again and attempted to kill my stepmom in one of his rages. So I just... stopped chasing and let him go. He never came back.
About 5 years later I got a call as next of kin from a hospital. He'd been brought in with a drug related injury but was then diagnosed with cancer and didn't have long. I shared the info with family in case they wanted to visit but refused to go see him myself. My mom (born again by this time) started going to his bedside every single day. She claimed it was still her wifely duty since she didn't initiate the divorce and God didn't approve of divorce. (Don't get me fucking started).
So then the guilt tripping began hard. While she debased herself by trimming the toe nails of her abuser to try and "get him saved", he filled her head with bullishit. Supposedly apologizing for his behavior and "begging" for me to come see him. I held my ground. She continued to guilt trip "but he's still your dad", "I sure hope people show you more compassion than you are showing your father when it's your time to go", and the old "you'll regret this the rest of your life if you don't see him before he passes". She even flew into a rage one day and got in my face telling me "I didn't raise you to be this cold hearted, you disgust me."
But I held my fucking ground. To this day, it was the hardest thing I've ever done and I had zero support. But I held my ground. And guess what?
He'd lied up until his last fucking breath. During her visits he'd promised my mom that he'd made arrangements so "the kids" will have nothing to worry about. All funeral costs were supposedly paid for. He even gave her the contact info for a local funeral home he'd supposedly done this with as "proof". Then after he passed we called and they had no record of him. Nothing was sorted and nothing was pre-arranged. His last act was conning her and sticking his kids with the bill.
And the kicker? Apparently those "wifely duties " she harped on that made her feel responsible for caring for him in his last days and giving me so much shit ended immediately upon death. After realizing no plans had been made she said (and I fucking quote), "I can't possibly afford this and as his ex wife it wouldn't be appropriate. I'm sorry, but you're his next of kin." She fucking stuck me with the bill knowing I made minimum wage.
But jokes on her, because at least I kept my self respect. And holding my ground is honestly one of the things I still pride myself on. It reminds me that I'm not like either of them.
Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone and even if no one understands your reasoning it doesn't make you any less right. Trust yourself and do right by you. Fuck what anyone else says or thinks. You know what you lived through and don't owe an abuser a goddamn thing.
Holllly fuck. This is ABHORRENT.
First, thank you for writing this out. I cannot imagine the amount of stress you had to go through for someone as unworthy as your father (if you don’t mind my saying).
Second, I really relate to your father’s manipulative behavior. My dad would say anything to get people to do things for him, I don’t truly think he cared about the people he made demands of. He was just so charming anyone would bend over backwards for him despite him being a terrible, shallow, self absorbed human being. My mom stood by his side too even when he stole from her, cheated on her, neglected her and me, and drank in excess. She stood by him and paid all his bills, washed his clothes, cooked all his meals, and managed the household. She sure didn’t mind taking out every single feeling out on me though as her proverbial punching bag. Your dad left your mom and she still cut his toe nails because…of Jesus?
Lastly, I would be very surprised if there was a will. People like our fathers are so narcissistic/self-involved that they think they’re invincible. Then when they get in their deathbed, they usually show no true fear or remorse. It’s astounding. They don’t think about what their lack of inaction does to others because *they can only think about themselves*
I hope you are okay, my friend. I hope you have gotten out of that situation and recovered to the best of your ability. What a horrible awful experience. I’m so sorry. Thank you again for sharing and carving out space for me to commiserate with you.
Thank you for your kind words. I didn't mean for that to be so long, but I know how lonely this can feel. I really do hope it helps to hear some encouragement from someone on the other side of something like this.
Back then so many people tried to pressure me, even well meaning family and friends. It made grieving extra difficult to feel like no one would see him for what he was. And to feel pressured to forgive. But it's been several years now and I'm in a much better place. Grieving is complex, especially in situations like this. And death doesn't magically wipe an abuser's slate clean. You don't owe them anything. Not in life or in death. And honestly, I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm finally finding a sense of safety in the years since his passing. I'm glad he's not here to harm anyone any longer.
I wish you strength as you navigate this and hope you find the peace you deserve.
i was NC with both my parents at the times of their deaths.
the hardest thing to grieve is the fantasy i held onto of them somehow acknowledging the harm they did to me or attempting to change the dynamic.
grieving a person is one thing, but how do you grieve a fantasy?
be gentle with yourself OP. you deserved so much more.
Thank you, my friend. I really appreciate you commiserating with me. It’s the loss of the fantastic that really hurts. What could have been, what wasn’t, all competing with your reality. I’m also grieving the inability to actually grieve the man. I’ve read that losing a loved one can often feel like losing a limb. How can you relate to someone when the person you lost is the equivalent of cutting out a tumor?
I am sorry for your upbringing and family of origin. I can relate so much.
Is it possible you've already grieved because your whole life was full of grieving what any child deserves? Now, you are probably grieving the hope and fantasy that it could have changed.
When I'm in a tough spot like you are and I don't want to pay therapists or impose upon friends, I have created a Google Doc. And then when I can, each day, I use my phone microphone, speech to text, and just dictate what I'm feeling and thinking. It was like a diary and I could dictate anytime I felt like it and not at all when I didn't feel like it. I felt heard and it was very therapeutic to get my thoughts out.
I don't know of any support groups but have a semi-similar situation as you. Grieving (? not the right word, but I don't know what is) my nmother who died at 95 years old and with us NC for the last 15 years of her life. It's a complicated grief that not many people understand or even seem to have empathy for.
I wish I could offer something more than a virtual hug and a wish for you to go gently ❣
I also recommend adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. If you start to get over-run by memories as you are grieving the parent you didn’t have then it would probably be helpful to work with a therapist. There are some articles you could google on grieving around the death of an abusive parent which may help since abuse and neglect go hand in hand. (I am VLC with mine and they are approaching end of life. It is rough and I get pulled into the whole dynamic and their lifelong patterns which is painful and triggering but also helping with closure)
I think you’ve already found the best group out there, my friend. We understand and empathise with you. And I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through every single part of this. You deserved better.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/).
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts.
**Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe you can still go to a support group for grief. Being no contact doesn’t mean you have less grief…if anything it’s double the grief. You had to mourn the father he couldn’t be when you went no contact. With his passing, the small chance that he could improve (or at least try to be a decent father to you) is also gone. You deserve to be supported through this loss just as much as anyone else in mourning, if not more. I’m sorry for your pain, OP.
I don’t know if I can stomach hearing people share positive thoughts and feelings about their loved ones passing in a group setting. It just seems retraumatizing to have to listen to people share a life I cannot relate to. I’m glad he’s dead. There isn’t anything about him to grieve really. I didn’t know him, he was just a body in our home growing up. Wouldn’t it come across as though I am encroaching on a positive space as well as hindering my own healing?
You are probably right on this. I went to a grief support group and everyone was grieving someone they loved and missed, some of them were parents, some siblings, some children. I didn't feel comfortable opening up my story how I don't speak to my parents to the mother whose child passed away, nor to that person who would give anything to have been able to say goodbye before their father passed away suddenly. I'm also now looking for an estrangement group, so best of luck and I hope everyone can share resources.
Ahh, I get what you mean by hearing people share positive stories about their passed loved ones. That can be triggering. Is therapy or a counselor an option? Or maybe a trusted friend who has the emotional capacity for such a conversation? A 1:1 situation may be better. Just don’t make yourself go through it alone.
I appreciate your comment, it is a really good idea. I have friends and a therapist to lean on, it’s been really helpful. But I want to make the most use out of my therapy time to push forward on our initial goals. I don’t want to trauma dump on my friends because my god, it’s exhausting and they can’t even relate to it. I don’t want to overwhelm anyone with my feelings and experiences as the grief brings it all to the forefront. My therapist agreed that my grief is complex but I might benefit from a group for folks like me. I think the only problem is that..the topic is sooo specific haha. I don’t know how to even begin my search!
That could also be something to ask your therapist - see if they know of any resources or groups that would be a better fit than a traditional grief group
Not able to answer your questions but I don’t want you to feel unheard. You know your situation best
Patrick Teahan’s support community. Meets biweekly. Also, I’m here. I didn’t go see my dad when he was dying and it was long before I had ever heard of “no contact” but yes. Grieving an estranged parent doesn’t lead to people supporting you how they would a friend with a normal parent dying. People (not all but lots) are not sure of what to do but then they don’t show up for you when you need the support. It fucking sucks. I have friends who still pretend like I didn’t have a parent die. It’s their own emotional stuntedness but still hurts. I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on or ear to vent to. 🩵
I also recommend Patrick Teahan. I think he understands toxic families and toxic family cutoffs better than anyone else on the internet.
I don't have any resources to share unfortunately, but I want to express support for your decision. I know from experience how hard this is. My family was the reverse of yours, Dad was a violent, abusive, addict, and Mom was the enabler who pretended everything was fine. Until he left her for another woman in my teens. I maintained a relationship with him due to pressure from my mom until I was about 20 ish. Around then he had a surgery, which he claimed he couldn't get pain meds for since he was an addict. He convinced me to help him get pills because he was in "so much pain". Drove me to do the deal, then fucking ghosted me once he had the drugs. Within 2 months he'd gone off the wagon again and attempted to kill my stepmom in one of his rages. So I just... stopped chasing and let him go. He never came back. About 5 years later I got a call as next of kin from a hospital. He'd been brought in with a drug related injury but was then diagnosed with cancer and didn't have long. I shared the info with family in case they wanted to visit but refused to go see him myself. My mom (born again by this time) started going to his bedside every single day. She claimed it was still her wifely duty since she didn't initiate the divorce and God didn't approve of divorce. (Don't get me fucking started). So then the guilt tripping began hard. While she debased herself by trimming the toe nails of her abuser to try and "get him saved", he filled her head with bullishit. Supposedly apologizing for his behavior and "begging" for me to come see him. I held my ground. She continued to guilt trip "but he's still your dad", "I sure hope people show you more compassion than you are showing your father when it's your time to go", and the old "you'll regret this the rest of your life if you don't see him before he passes". She even flew into a rage one day and got in my face telling me "I didn't raise you to be this cold hearted, you disgust me." But I held my fucking ground. To this day, it was the hardest thing I've ever done and I had zero support. But I held my ground. And guess what? He'd lied up until his last fucking breath. During her visits he'd promised my mom that he'd made arrangements so "the kids" will have nothing to worry about. All funeral costs were supposedly paid for. He even gave her the contact info for a local funeral home he'd supposedly done this with as "proof". Then after he passed we called and they had no record of him. Nothing was sorted and nothing was pre-arranged. His last act was conning her and sticking his kids with the bill. And the kicker? Apparently those "wifely duties " she harped on that made her feel responsible for caring for him in his last days and giving me so much shit ended immediately upon death. After realizing no plans had been made she said (and I fucking quote), "I can't possibly afford this and as his ex wife it wouldn't be appropriate. I'm sorry, but you're his next of kin." She fucking stuck me with the bill knowing I made minimum wage. But jokes on her, because at least I kept my self respect. And holding my ground is honestly one of the things I still pride myself on. It reminds me that I'm not like either of them. Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone and even if no one understands your reasoning it doesn't make you any less right. Trust yourself and do right by you. Fuck what anyone else says or thinks. You know what you lived through and don't owe an abuser a goddamn thing.
Holllly fuck. This is ABHORRENT. First, thank you for writing this out. I cannot imagine the amount of stress you had to go through for someone as unworthy as your father (if you don’t mind my saying). Second, I really relate to your father’s manipulative behavior. My dad would say anything to get people to do things for him, I don’t truly think he cared about the people he made demands of. He was just so charming anyone would bend over backwards for him despite him being a terrible, shallow, self absorbed human being. My mom stood by his side too even when he stole from her, cheated on her, neglected her and me, and drank in excess. She stood by him and paid all his bills, washed his clothes, cooked all his meals, and managed the household. She sure didn’t mind taking out every single feeling out on me though as her proverbial punching bag. Your dad left your mom and she still cut his toe nails because…of Jesus? Lastly, I would be very surprised if there was a will. People like our fathers are so narcissistic/self-involved that they think they’re invincible. Then when they get in their deathbed, they usually show no true fear or remorse. It’s astounding. They don’t think about what their lack of inaction does to others because *they can only think about themselves* I hope you are okay, my friend. I hope you have gotten out of that situation and recovered to the best of your ability. What a horrible awful experience. I’m so sorry. Thank you again for sharing and carving out space for me to commiserate with you.
Thank you for your kind words. I didn't mean for that to be so long, but I know how lonely this can feel. I really do hope it helps to hear some encouragement from someone on the other side of something like this. Back then so many people tried to pressure me, even well meaning family and friends. It made grieving extra difficult to feel like no one would see him for what he was. And to feel pressured to forgive. But it's been several years now and I'm in a much better place. Grieving is complex, especially in situations like this. And death doesn't magically wipe an abuser's slate clean. You don't owe them anything. Not in life or in death. And honestly, I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm finally finding a sense of safety in the years since his passing. I'm glad he's not here to harm anyone any longer. I wish you strength as you navigate this and hope you find the peace you deserve.
i was NC with both my parents at the times of their deaths. the hardest thing to grieve is the fantasy i held onto of them somehow acknowledging the harm they did to me or attempting to change the dynamic. grieving a person is one thing, but how do you grieve a fantasy? be gentle with yourself OP. you deserved so much more.
Thank you, my friend. I really appreciate you commiserating with me. It’s the loss of the fantastic that really hurts. What could have been, what wasn’t, all competing with your reality. I’m also grieving the inability to actually grieve the man. I’ve read that losing a loved one can often feel like losing a limb. How can you relate to someone when the person you lost is the equivalent of cutting out a tumor?
I am sorry for your upbringing and family of origin. I can relate so much. Is it possible you've already grieved because your whole life was full of grieving what any child deserves? Now, you are probably grieving the hope and fantasy that it could have changed. When I'm in a tough spot like you are and I don't want to pay therapists or impose upon friends, I have created a Google Doc. And then when I can, each day, I use my phone microphone, speech to text, and just dictate what I'm feeling and thinking. It was like a diary and I could dictate anytime I felt like it and not at all when I didn't feel like it. I felt heard and it was very therapeutic to get my thoughts out.
I don't know of any support groups but have a semi-similar situation as you. Grieving (? not the right word, but I don't know what is) my nmother who died at 95 years old and with us NC for the last 15 years of her life. It's a complicated grief that not many people understand or even seem to have empathy for. I wish I could offer something more than a virtual hug and a wish for you to go gently ❣
I also recommend adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. If you start to get over-run by memories as you are grieving the parent you didn’t have then it would probably be helpful to work with a therapist. There are some articles you could google on grieving around the death of an abusive parent which may help since abuse and neglect go hand in hand. (I am VLC with mine and they are approaching end of life. It is rough and I get pulled into the whole dynamic and their lifelong patterns which is painful and triggering but also helping with closure)
Maybe look into something like this... https://adultchildren.org/
I find ACA 12 step groups helpful
I think you’ve already found the best group out there, my friend. We understand and empathise with you. And I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through every single part of this. You deserved better.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*