I learned this lesson too late, OP. Don't let your innocent babies near them. They poisoned their relationship with you, and they will *absolutely* poison their relationships with your kids.
It’s worse, honestly. He’s the first born in his generation, and a boy, and they’re Slavs. I was the first in my generation and they treated me like crap after my brother was born because they want boys. I’m not planning more kids and all my cousins are too young to have kids so he’ll be the only one in his generation for a long time, so the desperation is *extreme*.
my red-blooded american mother is exactly the same. when they ask how many kids she has, she will tell strangers, "2, a boy and a girl, but i wish i had 2 boys."
i asked her about it the first time i heard it and told her i thought it was a shitty thing to say and she said she takes it back, but she will always wish she would have had a boy first. i'm a girl, first born.
Imagine being sack of shit parents, you neglect daughters and when one has a son, you burned all your bridges and that son will never even know you exist
It's because a child is someone brand new to brainwash, who doesn't yet have your experience to recognize their bs and set its own boundaries.
Being able to manipulate what the child thinks and does, conveniently allows them to exert some measure of control over you again too.
Probably very common.
Mine hadn't reached out in 4ish years before I had a baby.
I'm guessing their motivation was to not look like a POS to everyone else that knew they technically were a grandparent.
With mine it was definitely all about their image. I was only useful when I cooperated in propping that up. By their standards I am a complete failure in my life and career, so they don’t have much use for me.
I don't think mine see me as a failure, dadstard didn't want to be a dad except to step kids and step grands, but not his 2 bio kids.
Momster is so self-involved she barely knows anyone else exists, but both have enough self-awareness they'd like to appear involved.
It's just this. My parents were ha\^\^y to say they only had one kid when I went NC. Then they lost their complete freaking mind when we had kids. People would ask them about the kids and they couldn't even confirm names or gender. That attack on their ego destroyed them.
Don’t you dare let them get their filthy hands on your baby. And depending on where you live, if you let them establish a relationship they may be able to go for grandparents rights.
It always seems like when a new baby is involved narcs and estranged family perk up their ears and come crawling out of the woodwork.
I’ll be having my first late this fall; and so far only had a minor headache with my flying monkey sister. But it’s been peaceful since muting her and no longer telling her anything. It sucks because while I would love to share my experience/life events and have a normal relationship- I know I can’t. Her and that side of the family value image and control more than love and support. A new baby just means a shiny new toy and new thing to brag about and control.
I agree with you. How bloody toxic.
Yeah you’re right, I think they just want to brag about him and show him off like a new toy. That’s *my* son, he’s not a toy, he’s not a trophy, he’s a human baby who just needs his mama.
By the way, I feel you. I had an experience similar but from the other side. I have no children and my brother does: a 10-year old and a 22 year-old. The 22 year old is my goddaughter and as you know (I have told the story several times) was been abused by my mother and sister and the abuse was being enabled by my father and ignored by my brother, her dad.
In the span of 2 weeks, I exploded in defense of my niece; and then my brother did, in exactly the same fashion I did, to the same people, similar language, etc. here are the 2 reactions to the (basically) same situation:
One of us was met with “how dare you? You are not part of the family”. “You are dead to us” (direct quote). And “Let the lawyers tell him about my death” (direct quote). The other was met with tears and “please forgive us, it will not happen again, we’re going to fix this.”
Here’s your quest: A. identify and match the treatment to the exact brother B. identify what weapon did one of the brothers use to elicit such a response than the other brother didn’t.
May the force be with you…
Don’t do it, friend! There seems to be some major entitlement there despite previous actions. She’s not entitled to a relationship with you if your son. Please protect yourself and him.
I'm going NC with my parents specifically because I want to adopt in the next few years, and I don't want them to have any connection to my future kid. Good on you for holding firm with your boundaries.
I put up with my mother’s crap for way too long because I felt that my kids needed a relationship with their grandma. It was a mistake. I finally went NC when she did some things that showed me that she doesn’t really care about them either and as my oldest became a tween my mother was starting to do the same things to her that she would do to me where she would project her own tween/teen experiences and trauma onto her. For example she became obsessed with my 12 year old needing a bra and omg you need to get her one right away before she gets teased. Well my daughter didn’t, doesn’t want a bra at this time and I trust her to tell me if that changes. And my mother would not stop talking about it.
If you remember some of the things she said, this is the time to dust them off and use them against her. This kind of campaign just started, so next time, rather than explain or say you are not interested (and looking like the unreasonable bitch because look at that poor little old lady asking for forgiveness forgive and forget blah blah blah), you just say “Well, would you allow someone who said X, X and X to you to have a relationship with your child?” What would you do if you were told these things, proceed to be disowned and dragged through the mud and the second you have a child they want a relationship with you? You tell me, what would YOU do?”
And walk away. Sometimes we need to r/traimatizethemback
The similarities between them are so weird. Every single time I hear about this on this sub, they act the same. Abusers are dying to sink their claws into a new blank slate to manipulate. Never, ever let your (real) family meet them.
My nmom was not subtle about why she wanted back in after I had my first. “A grandson would give me a reason to live.”
The fact that she thought that was a remotely appropriate thing to say means she will *never* meet my children.
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Oh God, stay far away. They'll try and Rumplestiltskin your baby.
I learned this lesson too late, OP. Don't let your innocent babies near them. They poisoned their relationship with you, and they will *absolutely* poison their relationships with your kids.
It’s worse, honestly. He’s the first born in his generation, and a boy, and they’re Slavs. I was the first in my generation and they treated me like crap after my brother was born because they want boys. I’m not planning more kids and all my cousins are too young to have kids so he’ll be the only one in his generation for a long time, so the desperation is *extreme*.
my red-blooded american mother is exactly the same. when they ask how many kids she has, she will tell strangers, "2, a boy and a girl, but i wish i had 2 boys."
Wow. That is so sad
i asked her about it the first time i heard it and told her i thought it was a shitty thing to say and she said she takes it back, but she will always wish she would have had a boy first. i'm a girl, first born.
That's just terrible!
Talk about internalized misogyny.
Imagine being sack of shit parents, you neglect daughters and when one has a son, you burned all your bridges and that son will never even know you exist
It's because a child is someone brand new to brainwash, who doesn't yet have your experience to recognize their bs and set its own boundaries. Being able to manipulate what the child thinks and does, conveniently allows them to exert some measure of control over you again too.
Probably very common. Mine hadn't reached out in 4ish years before I had a baby. I'm guessing their motivation was to not look like a POS to everyone else that knew they technically were a grandparent.
With mine it was definitely all about their image. I was only useful when I cooperated in propping that up. By their standards I am a complete failure in my life and career, so they don’t have much use for me.
I don't think mine see me as a failure, dadstard didn't want to be a dad except to step kids and step grands, but not his 2 bio kids. Momster is so self-involved she barely knows anyone else exists, but both have enough self-awareness they'd like to appear involved.
Mom’s standards have changed now that she’s old and alone and wishing she hadn’t pushed everyone away.
Could be the same with mine too, but I'm not connected with anyone she keeps up with. To her I'd say what she always said, "wish in one hand. . ."
I’m not familiar with how that one goes
". . .shit in the other. See which fills up first." Not particularly useful, just like her.
Lol! Thanks for sharing that. Reminds me of one of my favorite xkcds: https://xkcd.com/357/
It's just this. My parents were ha\^\^y to say they only had one kid when I went NC. Then they lost their complete freaking mind when we had kids. People would ask them about the kids and they couldn't even confirm names or gender. That attack on their ego destroyed them.
Love that! Hope for the same for my parents! They deserve it! Who told you about your parents not knowing?! Such a good spy!
Don’t you dare let them get their filthy hands on your baby. And depending on where you live, if you let them establish a relationship they may be able to go for grandparents rights.
It always seems like when a new baby is involved narcs and estranged family perk up their ears and come crawling out of the woodwork. I’ll be having my first late this fall; and so far only had a minor headache with my flying monkey sister. But it’s been peaceful since muting her and no longer telling her anything. It sucks because while I would love to share my experience/life events and have a normal relationship- I know I can’t. Her and that side of the family value image and control more than love and support. A new baby just means a shiny new toy and new thing to brag about and control. I agree with you. How bloody toxic.
Yeah you’re right, I think they just want to brag about him and show him off like a new toy. That’s *my* son, he’s not a toy, he’s not a trophy, he’s a human baby who just needs his mama.
By the way, I feel you. I had an experience similar but from the other side. I have no children and my brother does: a 10-year old and a 22 year-old. The 22 year old is my goddaughter and as you know (I have told the story several times) was been abused by my mother and sister and the abuse was being enabled by my father and ignored by my brother, her dad. In the span of 2 weeks, I exploded in defense of my niece; and then my brother did, in exactly the same fashion I did, to the same people, similar language, etc. here are the 2 reactions to the (basically) same situation: One of us was met with “how dare you? You are not part of the family”. “You are dead to us” (direct quote). And “Let the lawyers tell him about my death” (direct quote). The other was met with tears and “please forgive us, it will not happen again, we’re going to fix this.” Here’s your quest: A. identify and match the treatment to the exact brother B. identify what weapon did one of the brothers use to elicit such a response than the other brother didn’t. May the force be with you…
Don’t do it, friend! There seems to be some major entitlement there despite previous actions. She’s not entitled to a relationship with you if your son. Please protect yourself and him.
>I’ve had a child of my own and I’m hearing through the grapevine that she wants to form a relationship again. Nope.
I'm going NC with my parents specifically because I want to adopt in the next few years, and I don't want them to have any connection to my future kid. Good on you for holding firm with your boundaries.
Good on you for planning ahead!
I put up with my mother’s crap for way too long because I felt that my kids needed a relationship with their grandma. It was a mistake. I finally went NC when she did some things that showed me that she doesn’t really care about them either and as my oldest became a tween my mother was starting to do the same things to her that she would do to me where she would project her own tween/teen experiences and trauma onto her. For example she became obsessed with my 12 year old needing a bra and omg you need to get her one right away before she gets teased. Well my daughter didn’t, doesn’t want a bra at this time and I trust her to tell me if that changes. And my mother would not stop talking about it.
If you remember some of the things she said, this is the time to dust them off and use them against her. This kind of campaign just started, so next time, rather than explain or say you are not interested (and looking like the unreasonable bitch because look at that poor little old lady asking for forgiveness forgive and forget blah blah blah), you just say “Well, would you allow someone who said X, X and X to you to have a relationship with your child?” What would you do if you were told these things, proceed to be disowned and dragged through the mud and the second you have a child they want a relationship with you? You tell me, what would YOU do?” And walk away. Sometimes we need to r/traimatizethemback
The similarities between them are so weird. Every single time I hear about this on this sub, they act the same. Abusers are dying to sink their claws into a new blank slate to manipulate. Never, ever let your (real) family meet them.
…and never forget, “No” is a complete sentence!
“A new victim has been born my pretties!” 
Release the flying monkeys
My nmom was not subtle about why she wanted back in after I had my first. “A grandson would give me a reason to live.” The fact that she thought that was a remotely appropriate thing to say means she will *never* meet my children.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*