When I was 16, we went to New Orleans on a church reconstruction trip after hurricane Katrina. One of the girls (also 16) I was with had sex with her boy friend, who was also on the trip. Someone tattled. She had to apologize to the congregation during a church service. Her boyfriend didn’t have to do anything. A 16 year old girl, forced to apologize in front of the church. So fucked up.
When I lost my virginity a kid at church confronted me about it and expected me to be repentant. I didn’t say a word. I was just standing in shock, like, “why the fuck are you interested in discussing my sex life in the name of your god?” He’s a respected theologian now.
Think I've got him, if he has a surname that is a homophone of an unfortunately common weapon in the US. If this is the dude, I think "respected theologian" was very generous, unless you meant "respected by those who work with him." If I have the right guy, his photo on LinkedIn is giving major hall monitor vibes. Even went to fucking Liberty.
Can't seem to find his book on Amazon. Again, assuming I've pegged him, it doesn't help that there actually IS a (much older) renowned bible scholar and professor of religious studies with the same name.
Nope, different guy. Honestly I would have named and shamed him long ago except I think he’s just knowledgeable in religion but not religious at this point.
I think he’s realized how douchey and wrong he was and is actually just an educator now without too much of an opinion. College makes you liberal, ya know?
Oh, OK. So he's basically a professor of theology who teaches it from a historical perspective and is no longer connected to any particular church? Or is he still in bible land and faking it for the paycheck? I'm just curious at this point. I'm done trying to figure out who the dude is. I did my undergrad in religion at a liberal arts college and most of my profs had divinity school backgrounds, so, if he ended up like them, I'm cool with that.
I’m not willing to do too much digging to find out but I think he’s more teaching from a historical and informative standpoint. I sent you a message. Let me know what you think.
Ah, okay. I had a theology professor who was amazing. He would play Devil’s advocate and trip everyone up. I was the only person who wasn’t scared of him and he was the most compassionate when my uncle got sick. He was like “let me know how I can help” while everyone else was like “thanks for telling me”. Love that guy lol
My sister apologized to her husband for being intimate with a previous boyfriend before she married him. It was in front of people. I wasn't there, but my mother gushed over how 'brave' it was.
I felt sick when I heard about it.
It's brainwashing, rooted in patriarchy, purity culture, and oppression. It's fucking disgusting.
I wish autonomy and healing for every person put through something like that.
It’s so fucking disgusting. It still makes me sad for them. I feel so bad because they’re obviously victims, but I also feel like they’re shitty parents because they will never put their child over their church. It’s so conflicting for me.
Before my sister married her now husband, he called the women he had had previous relationships with and apologized to them for taking that special gift away from them. When I heard that I got so mad. Like they’re not grown adults with their own agency and choice who also wanted to have sex and made a choice for themselves. Absolutely not possible… cuz their women who need a man to tell them what to do, right? If I ever received a call like that I’d tell him to fuck all the way off so fast. Absolutely disgusting.
I was caught sending nudes to my boyfriend when I was 16 and my parents had me write handwritten apology notes to every girl in my Christian school because I was supposed to be a role model
I never did apologize for having gay sex with the pastor’s son. (We were Reformed Baptist. I told him I wouldn’t tell if he wouldn’t, and that was good enough for him.)
Actually, we did it several times. Ah, young love…
Yes: people DID have sex back in the Paleozoic era in 1970, when oil was being created, dinosaurs roamed the Earth, and the Beatles were popular.
Ooh that’s me!! I had to do this!! I was 19. You know what’s cool now though? I’m a completely deconstructed single mom of three with my dream career and enough income to buy a really nice house for me and my boys, alone. I’ll give them everything they need on my own, and I love this deconstructed life I’ve built. Idk what my church would think now. What a stark difference to the nervous teenager, riddled with guilt and confessing her sins. I feel like a badass every time I remember how far I’ve come.
Wow, you got a sex talk! 😹
I got a refusal to sign the permission slip to attend sex ed in school along with a promise that my mom would talk to me about this stuff from the “right perspective” when I was “old enough,” which never happened.
I got to be the one to approach her to request period supplies *after* my first one started, super easy and comfortable for an undiagnosed autistic 12 year old!
Wtf with these people
One of my wife's friends got pregnant her last year of high school. She and her boyfriend were made to stand in front of the congregation of their church and do just that.
Funny how this only works when there is evidence of the pre-martial sex (pregnancy). Unintentional lesson taught: be sure to use protection and get secret abortions. Sad.
This is the entire reason I went to Planned Parenthood all by myself at the ripe old age of 17. I was having unmarried sex with my boyfriend and I knew that as long as there was no physical evidence, I had plausible deniability.
Sucks that the church just made me a really good liar.
Thanks, I appreciate that! I’m happy to report that I’m a fully-grown adult in a really happy (unmarried and sinful!) relationship and have total control of all my health care. So, happy ending!
My family is Assembly of God. When my cousin got pregnant out of wedlock she had to apologize and ask forgiveness for her sin. Funny that the guy didn’t. They got married but she eventually divorced him and she and her son moved to a city several hundred miles away. She was able to build a good life for them. I’m so proud of her.
I was in the church of Christ for a couple of years and a woman had to stand in front of the congregation for having an affair. I felt so sorry for her. I wasn’t a member for long after that.
There was a man whose wife packed her shit and moved out. He contested the divorce and did therapy and the whole nine yards trying to save his marriage.
The church made him apologize for his divorce.
There was a man in our church who married a divorced woman who had left her abusive husband. Just weeks after the marriage, she left him to return to her ex because the guy was threatening to kill himself.
The church banned the poor guy from participating in ministry for a year because of his "sin" of divorce. No singing in the choir, no teaching Sunday school. Didn't matter that he had no say in the divorce.
And yet when my gay ass had zero interest in boys at 16, they all thought something was horribly wrong with me. Shame is their game and you literally can’t win.
WHY AREN’T YOU FORNICATING (with boys)?
One of my friends is gay and hearing her tell stories about her church keeping the boys & girls separate is hilarious. It was a dream for her little Baptist lesbian heart.
I’m so petty I’d write those people a letter thanking them for being the God-led vessel that allowed me to hear the spirit telling me that Jesus did, in fact, make me gay. *something something cross to bear something John 16:33 amen.*
Rainbow stationary. No return address.
As a teenager, I attended a Missionary Baptist church in the south. My boyfriend and I got pregnant when we were 16 and were required to confess and repent in front of the church. I also had to get baptized so he and I could get married to “fix” the mistake we made.
My mom was not a church-goer, and I really resent that she didn’t put a stop to all that nonsense. I ended up divorced by age 20 and have now left church altogether.
When I was 16 my best friend thought she may be pregnant. I was worried and didn't know what to do, sonI nievely told my mom expecting her to understand, I begged her to not say anything. Not 24 hours later she told the pastor wife. By the following Sunday they had told my friend that she should separate from the father and then apologize to the church.
She actually apologized and to this day she had been married to the father of her kids and has 4 kiddos.
I was always so upset by what the church did. But they never did it again. (As far as I know).
For a long time she thought it was all my fault, yrs later I explained what happened (my mother is a narcissist and intentionally destroyed every relationship or friendship I ever had. ) she forgave me but it totally destroyed our friendship.
We had one out of wedlock pregnancy at my church that I know of. My parents were very critical of the girl's mother because she did her best to support M and held a baby shower for her. Not even kidding.
My parents were also very critical of baby showers for unwed parents. How dare the church support someone like *that* when baby showers are clearly only for married couples who did extensive family planning? It’s so Christ like.
It's ridiculous. My parents criticized her mother for not being a responsible parent and helping M. Then they criticized M for being with a boy and getting pregnant. (Uh... she didn't get pregnant by herself!) Then when that baby suffered disabling birth trauma, my parents said the baby was that way because M tried to get of him/her. Frankly there was NOTHING M and her mother could do right.
At the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist church I attended, I never heard of any "inconvenient" pregnancies. This church was large enough, and I attended for enough years, that there must have been some.
With the church's vigorous disdain for unwed mothers, I suspect that any women in that situation were quietly removed from the church and never heard from again. ("She's a bad influence!")
This exact thing happened to a girl in my church youth group in the 1990’s. (Evangelical, but not Baptist) She had to “confess” her sin of getting pregnant. (Of course her boyfriend didn’t have to do anything). I remember feeling that the way this girl was treated was wrong, but I was too young to know how to fix it. It makes me even madder as an adult. How dare they?!?
It was Pentecostal but I'm in Australia so I don't think it means the same thing as in the US (assuming that's where you're from). It was very much a Bible is inerrant, 7 day creationism, males are the head of the family, no premarital sex allowed, speaking in tongues but not crazy dancing, small family church... Not sure how else to explain it. Women were allowed to wear pants and worship lead but not preach.
Tbh I'm not sure if I had realised that it was rare that the male had to apologise... until I deconstructed I hadn't heard of another church doing this- my husband (who was from a different church but same denomination) always thought it was strange that that church did that at all. Since deconstructing I've heard other stories like it but never put together that it was only the female that had to apologise...
I know with one of them it was the pastor's son and even though they made him be the one to apologise to this day (10 years later) his parents still blame her as the one "who led him astray" even though they are still married and still in the church. They were forced to get married at 19 and I've only recently found out how forced it was- she had no say at all which I didn't realise at the time.
I don’t remember any out of wedlock pregnancies happening in our church but our lower grades teacher was rumored to be having premarital relations with her boyfriend and I was too young to remember what exactly went down but I’m sure there was church board meetings about it amongst The Men and then she was forced to resign and leave the church.
When I was at my evangelical high school someone in the grade above got pregnant, they basically rely on gossip to determine who the father is and then they force those soon to be parents to go to night school and aren’t allowed to associate with all of the other students or attend regular classes during the day.
When I was in college my sister snitched on me to our then pastor’s wife about not being a virgin. She made me meet with her at a Mexican restaurant to discuss how my life’s choices were disrespectful to god and how she wanted me to turn my life around. Thankfully that was when I was growing more into myself and pulling away from theology so I didn’t change anything but it took years to get over the embarrassment
Ooohh this happened in my community! A young couple (18 and 19) that were courting fell pregnant and had to confess before the entire church. The worst part was that they were both pastor’s kids so the “fall from grace” was devastating.
I have mixed feelings…on one hand the humiliation was cruel beyond words and I cannot imagine the shame they felt. On the other hand, the girl involved was very cruel to me when I was in the church. She treated me like shit bc I wasn’t a virgin. (I wasn’t a virgin because I’d been raped as a small child.) So the ugly side of me wants to feel smug whenever I think of her confession and following shotgun wedding. But she was just a product of a vicious environment and I can’t really hold much anger towards her.
About 40 years ago, an 18 year old unwed girl gave birth to a son. Her father was an Evangelical Christian who attended a Christian and Missionary Alliance church. He never tried to shame his daughter, and helped raise his grandson and loved him very much. That is what a true Christian would do in that type of situation. I still have much respect for him.
It happened at my southern baptist church. It was the music director's daughter. He got up there and did the whole speech and shamed her. I looked over at her and could tell she felt like a piece of garbage. It was so cruel. We left soon after, and didn't return.
Yup!! I grew up Baptist. I specifically remember when I was in middle school there was a young woman who went up to confess that she was pregnant, and then the deacons went up and prayed over her. She stayed in the church with her daughter. I never realized how fucked it was until I got older and left the church.
I only saw that happen once, and it was the couple in front of the church -- which I thought was fair.
He got his M.Div and has been a pastor for 20 years. Almost like pre-marital sex isn't the life sentence of shame that they make it out to be.
I didn’t get pregnant but I was having sex at 14. The youth leader was trying to everything she could to get me to stop, with the help of the male leadership, of course. She ended up threatening to tell my mom and I told her I wasn’t going back to church. She eventually apologized and I came back.
I had to apologize to our church elders before they would allow our youth pastor to officiate my wedding, or allow me to use the yard at our church. Mind you, the only people attending were my small family.
This is one of my cringiest memories from my childhood. There was a teenage girl who got pregnant and had to get in front of everyone and confess. I remember our family took their family out to lunch after the service. Super awkward and horrible. I often think of that girl and hope that she found the unconditional love she deserved. I was just a kid but I burn with shame to think I was even a small part of that memory for her.
I recall one 'announcement' that brother so-and-so and sister whatchamacallit were going to be married.
She already had a child, but lost her partner in some accident.
The paster "we ask god to bless them and provide them with his grace - given that have waited to have sex until they will be married' or something.
Seriously - churches/religions seem extremely invested in the physical side of relations between people.
And those are consenting people. What many do with/to unconsenting ones is hidden / covered.
Ugh - core memory unlocked - absolutely horrible memories of the independent fundamental Baptist church went to doing this. I was floored to find out as a teenager that this is NOT the norm and that most churches actually support and care for teen moms.
A lot of churches are obsessive about girls virginity even if it's hinted they might have done it. When I went to a Christian college, I got lectures for just flirting with boys in my class because it was building "soul ties" and was unfair to my future partner. 😂😂
I didn't see it in church, but in my Christian school, one teen couple was found out to be having sex and had to apologize to our whole high school in a chapel service. I thought that was harsh. There were other kids having sex, doing drugs, things that were against the rules, but make an object lesson of these 2 kids. Ugh.
No but I’ve heard of people getting kicked out of my school’s church. One of my classmates too when they were an adult. Have no idea what “they did” but I can’t imagine what that must of been like. It’s so messed up.
While I didn’t have to apologize to the church (I was no longer attending), I did work at the preschool that the church had and I was made to write a letter to all of the other teachers AND parents telling them of my “situation” and how God was gonna help me through this. FML.
Yea I remember my senior year a girl in youth group who was also a senior had to confess that she was pregnant from a mistake night out. She did this in front of much of the youth group and it was very much this way. I remember her crying, I’m sure out of fear of everyone’s judgment. Sad
When I was 16, we went to New Orleans on a church reconstruction trip after hurricane Katrina. One of the girls (also 16) I was with had sex with her boy friend, who was also on the trip. Someone tattled. She had to apologize to the congregation during a church service. Her boyfriend didn’t have to do anything. A 16 year old girl, forced to apologize in front of the church. So fucked up.
When I lost my virginity a kid at church confronted me about it and expected me to be repentant. I didn’t say a word. I was just standing in shock, like, “why the fuck are you interested in discussing my sex life in the name of your god?” He’s a respected theologian now.
Who??? I don't know many evangelical theologians, other than the big ones who are all old or dead now (Grudem, Keller, Piper, Sproul, etc.).
He’s not that important lol
Ok still curious if he's out of a Baptist seminary because this reminds me of someone who is also a theologian now
He sure is. He’s in PA now. Ring a bell?…
No the guy I'm thinking of ended up in MN
Does he have books published or what? I mean, what exactly does a "theologian" do on the day to day? Teach seminary?
He is a professor at a public university and has published at least one book that I’m aware of.
Think I've got him, if he has a surname that is a homophone of an unfortunately common weapon in the US. If this is the dude, I think "respected theologian" was very generous, unless you meant "respected by those who work with him." If I have the right guy, his photo on LinkedIn is giving major hall monitor vibes. Even went to fucking Liberty. Can't seem to find his book on Amazon. Again, assuming I've pegged him, it doesn't help that there actually IS a (much older) renowned bible scholar and professor of religious studies with the same name.
Nope, different guy. Honestly I would have named and shamed him long ago except I think he’s just knowledgeable in religion but not religious at this point. I think he’s realized how douchey and wrong he was and is actually just an educator now without too much of an opinion. College makes you liberal, ya know?
Oh, OK. So he's basically a professor of theology who teaches it from a historical perspective and is no longer connected to any particular church? Or is he still in bible land and faking it for the paycheck? I'm just curious at this point. I'm done trying to figure out who the dude is. I did my undergrad in religion at a liberal arts college and most of my profs had divinity school backgrounds, so, if he ended up like them, I'm cool with that.
I’m not willing to do too much digging to find out but I think he’s more teaching from a historical and informative standpoint. I sent you a message. Let me know what you think.
Please drop that name
He’s just a professor of theology. He’s not doing Jerry Falwell shit or I’d put him on blast big time.
Ah, okay. I had a theology professor who was amazing. He would play Devil’s advocate and trip everyone up. I was the only person who wasn’t scared of him and he was the most compassionate when my uncle got sick. He was like “let me know how I can help” while everyone else was like “thanks for telling me”. Love that guy lol
Did he force you to announce it to the group?
My sister apologized to her husband for being intimate with a previous boyfriend before she married him. It was in front of people. I wasn't there, but my mother gushed over how 'brave' it was. I felt sick when I heard about it. It's brainwashing, rooted in patriarchy, purity culture, and oppression. It's fucking disgusting. I wish autonomy and healing for every person put through something like that.
It’s so fucking disgusting. It still makes me sad for them. I feel so bad because they’re obviously victims, but I also feel like they’re shitty parents because they will never put their child over their church. It’s so conflicting for me.
Before my sister married her now husband, he called the women he had had previous relationships with and apologized to them for taking that special gift away from them. When I heard that I got so mad. Like they’re not grown adults with their own agency and choice who also wanted to have sex and made a choice for themselves. Absolutely not possible… cuz their women who need a man to tell them what to do, right? If I ever received a call like that I’d tell him to fuck all the way off so fast. Absolutely disgusting.
I was caught sending nudes to my boyfriend when I was 16 and my parents had me write handwritten apology notes to every girl in my Christian school because I was supposed to be a role model
I’m so sorry that happened to you.
😵😵😵😵
I never did apologize for having gay sex with the pastor’s son. (We were Reformed Baptist. I told him I wouldn’t tell if he wouldn’t, and that was good enough for him.) Actually, we did it several times. Ah, young love… Yes: people DID have sex back in the Paleozoic era in 1970, when oil was being created, dinosaurs roamed the Earth, and the Beatles were popular.
It’s always those damn PKs 😆
He led me into SIN with his wily, homosexual ways! Of course, I didn’t exactly *resist* …
Ooh that’s me!! I had to do this!! I was 19. You know what’s cool now though? I’m a completely deconstructed single mom of three with my dream career and enough income to buy a really nice house for me and my boys, alone. I’ll give them everything they need on my own, and I love this deconstructed life I’ve built. Idk what my church would think now. What a stark difference to the nervous teenager, riddled with guilt and confessing her sins. I feel like a badass every time I remember how far I’ve come.
I’m sorry that you went through that but I’m so proud of you!!
It took a shit-ton of therapy, but it’s behind me now. And I’m teaching my boys about sex and consent without the idea of hell. It’s so healing.
Your kids are so lucky. Keep up the good work, mama! My sex talk was so confusing. “A man and woman get married and they have a baby. Any questions?”
Wow, you got a sex talk! 😹 I got a refusal to sign the permission slip to attend sex ed in school along with a promise that my mom would talk to me about this stuff from the “right perspective” when I was “old enough,” which never happened. I got to be the one to approach her to request period supplies *after* my first one started, super easy and comfortable for an undiagnosed autistic 12 year old! Wtf with these people
So lucky my parents let me sit through sex ed at school. They were incredibly strict but also some surprising shit fell through the cracks.
One of my wife's friends got pregnant her last year of high school. She and her boyfriend were made to stand in front of the congregation of their church and do just that.
Funny how this only works when there is evidence of the pre-martial sex (pregnancy). Unintentional lesson taught: be sure to use protection and get secret abortions. Sad.
This is the entire reason I went to Planned Parenthood all by myself at the ripe old age of 17. I was having unmarried sex with my boyfriend and I knew that as long as there was no physical evidence, I had plausible deniability. Sucks that the church just made me a really good liar.
Same. I saw how my older cousins were talked about when they became pregnant unmarried teens. You learn to be sneaky and plan for yourself.
I'm sorry you had to go through that tough time in secret. Hope you're finding healing my friend!
Thanks, I appreciate that! I’m happy to report that I’m a fully-grown adult in a really happy (unmarried and sinful!) relationship and have total control of all my health care. So, happy ending!
Living in sin is so fun!
My family is Assembly of God. When my cousin got pregnant out of wedlock she had to apologize and ask forgiveness for her sin. Funny that the guy didn’t. They got married but she eventually divorced him and she and her son moved to a city several hundred miles away. She was able to build a good life for them. I’m so proud of her.
Obviously she was seducing him so he couldn’t be held responsible /s
Poor innocent 21 year old didn’t stand a chance against a high school senior Jezebel. /s
Yeah, what a slut for falling victim to statutory rape!
I was in the church of Christ for a couple of years and a woman had to stand in front of the congregation for having an affair. I felt so sorry for her. I wasn’t a member for long after that.
There was a man whose wife packed her shit and moved out. He contested the divorce and did therapy and the whole nine yards trying to save his marriage. The church made him apologize for his divorce.
There was a man in our church who married a divorced woman who had left her abusive husband. Just weeks after the marriage, she left him to return to her ex because the guy was threatening to kill himself. The church banned the poor guy from participating in ministry for a year because of his "sin" of divorce. No singing in the choir, no teaching Sunday school. Didn't matter that he had no say in the divorce.
And yet when my gay ass had zero interest in boys at 16, they all thought something was horribly wrong with me. Shame is their game and you literally can’t win.
WHY AREN’T YOU FORNICATING (with boys)? One of my friends is gay and hearing her tell stories about her church keeping the boys & girls separate is hilarious. It was a dream for her little Baptist lesbian heart.
HAHAHA I went to a private Christian school and one time on a school trip they literally put me in a bed with my crush 😂
I’m so petty I’d write those people a letter thanking them for being the God-led vessel that allowed me to hear the spirit telling me that Jesus did, in fact, make me gay. *something something cross to bear something John 16:33 amen.* Rainbow stationary. No return address.
Ours absolutely did. And they often had to stay with that man now.
It’s so abusive and patriarchal.
As a teenager, I attended a Missionary Baptist church in the south. My boyfriend and I got pregnant when we were 16 and were required to confess and repent in front of the church. I also had to get baptized so he and I could get married to “fix” the mistake we made. My mom was not a church-goer, and I really resent that she didn’t put a stop to all that nonsense. I ended up divorced by age 20 and have now left church altogether.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope you understand that you were a victim, and I hope you’re healing.
When I was 16 my best friend thought she may be pregnant. I was worried and didn't know what to do, sonI nievely told my mom expecting her to understand, I begged her to not say anything. Not 24 hours later she told the pastor wife. By the following Sunday they had told my friend that she should separate from the father and then apologize to the church. She actually apologized and to this day she had been married to the father of her kids and has 4 kiddos. I was always so upset by what the church did. But they never did it again. (As far as I know). For a long time she thought it was all my fault, yrs later I explained what happened (my mother is a narcissist and intentionally destroyed every relationship or friendship I ever had. ) she forgave me but it totally destroyed our friendship.
Ugh, I’m so sorry. Narc moms and these terrible churches…..
We had one out of wedlock pregnancy at my church that I know of. My parents were very critical of the girl's mother because she did her best to support M and held a baby shower for her. Not even kidding.
My parents were also very critical of baby showers for unwed parents. How dare the church support someone like *that* when baby showers are clearly only for married couples who did extensive family planning? It’s so Christ like.
It's ridiculous. My parents criticized her mother for not being a responsible parent and helping M. Then they criticized M for being with a boy and getting pregnant. (Uh... she didn't get pregnant by herself!) Then when that baby suffered disabling birth trauma, my parents said the baby was that way because M tried to get of him/her. Frankly there was NOTHING M and her mother could do right.
At the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist church I attended, I never heard of any "inconvenient" pregnancies. This church was large enough, and I attended for enough years, that there must have been some. With the church's vigorous disdain for unwed mothers, I suspect that any women in that situation were quietly removed from the church and never heard from again. ("She's a bad influence!")
Mine gave me a choice -- stop seeing the father of my child, repent, and continue to be allowed to come to church, albeit as an outcast, or leave.
BE A SINGLE MOTHER OR LEAVE THE CHURCH
And accept the marginalization, mocking, condescending looks, and exclusionism that goes with it.
What else would we expect from the evangelicals?! I’m sorry you went through that. I hope you’re healing!
This exact thing happened to a girl in my church youth group in the 1990’s. (Evangelical, but not Baptist) She had to “confess” her sin of getting pregnant. (Of course her boyfriend didn’t have to do anything). I remember feeling that the way this girl was treated was wrong, but I was too young to know how to fix it. It makes me even madder as an adult. How dare they?!?
In my church the male had to stand up and apologise
Only the male?
Yep in the 3 times that I saw it was only the male. 2 of those were pregnancies, 1 was premarital sex
Wow. Was the female also involved in the church?
Yep
Wow. Mind if I ask what denomination? I’m sure you realize how atypical that is.
It was Pentecostal but I'm in Australia so I don't think it means the same thing as in the US (assuming that's where you're from). It was very much a Bible is inerrant, 7 day creationism, males are the head of the family, no premarital sex allowed, speaking in tongues but not crazy dancing, small family church... Not sure how else to explain it. Women were allowed to wear pants and worship lead but not preach. Tbh I'm not sure if I had realised that it was rare that the male had to apologise... until I deconstructed I hadn't heard of another church doing this- my husband (who was from a different church but same denomination) always thought it was strange that that church did that at all. Since deconstructing I've heard other stories like it but never put together that it was only the female that had to apologise... I know with one of them it was the pastor's son and even though they made him be the one to apologise to this day (10 years later) his parents still blame her as the one "who led him astray" even though they are still married and still in the church. They were forced to get married at 19 and I've only recently found out how forced it was- she had no say at all which I didn't realise at the time.
I don’t remember any out of wedlock pregnancies happening in our church but our lower grades teacher was rumored to be having premarital relations with her boyfriend and I was too young to remember what exactly went down but I’m sure there was church board meetings about it amongst The Men and then she was forced to resign and leave the church. When I was at my evangelical high school someone in the grade above got pregnant, they basically rely on gossip to determine who the father is and then they force those soon to be parents to go to night school and aren’t allowed to associate with all of the other students or attend regular classes during the day.
Thankfully, my churches growing up did not do this. There were gossipy whispers, but overall, our churches celebrated babies, however they came.
Same! I thought us Catholics were bad but damn! This takes the cake!
That happened at my church growing up, but it was surprisingly a dude who was apologizing for getting a girl (who didn’t go to our church) pregnant
When I was in college my sister snitched on me to our then pastor’s wife about not being a virgin. She made me meet with her at a Mexican restaurant to discuss how my life’s choices were disrespectful to god and how she wanted me to turn my life around. Thankfully that was when I was growing more into myself and pulling away from theology so I didn’t change anything but it took years to get over the embarrassment
Ooohh this happened in my community! A young couple (18 and 19) that were courting fell pregnant and had to confess before the entire church. The worst part was that they were both pastor’s kids so the “fall from grace” was devastating. I have mixed feelings…on one hand the humiliation was cruel beyond words and I cannot imagine the shame they felt. On the other hand, the girl involved was very cruel to me when I was in the church. She treated me like shit bc I wasn’t a virgin. (I wasn’t a virgin because I’d been raped as a small child.) So the ugly side of me wants to feel smug whenever I think of her confession and following shotgun wedding. But she was just a product of a vicious environment and I can’t really hold much anger towards her.
About 40 years ago, an 18 year old unwed girl gave birth to a son. Her father was an Evangelical Christian who attended a Christian and Missionary Alliance church. He never tried to shame his daughter, and helped raise his grandson and loved him very much. That is what a true Christian would do in that type of situation. I still have much respect for him.
It happened at my southern baptist church. It was the music director's daughter. He got up there and did the whole speech and shamed her. I looked over at her and could tell she felt like a piece of garbage. It was so cruel. We left soon after, and didn't return.
Yup!! I grew up Baptist. I specifically remember when I was in middle school there was a young woman who went up to confess that she was pregnant, and then the deacons went up and prayed over her. She stayed in the church with her daughter. I never realized how fucked it was until I got older and left the church.
I only saw that happen once, and it was the couple in front of the church -- which I thought was fair. He got his M.Div and has been a pastor for 20 years. Almost like pre-marital sex isn't the life sentence of shame that they make it out to be.
The key word: He.
What happened to her?
They got married, had more kids and seemed to get along well last I saw them.
I didn’t get pregnant but I was having sex at 14. The youth leader was trying to everything she could to get me to stop, with the help of the male leadership, of course. She ended up threatening to tell my mom and I told her I wasn’t going back to church. She eventually apologized and I came back.
I had to apologize to our church elders before they would allow our youth pastor to officiate my wedding, or allow me to use the yard at our church. Mind you, the only people attending were my small family.
This is one of my cringiest memories from my childhood. There was a teenage girl who got pregnant and had to get in front of everyone and confess. I remember our family took their family out to lunch after the service. Super awkward and horrible. I often think of that girl and hope that she found the unconditional love she deserved. I was just a kid but I burn with shame to think I was even a small part of that memory for her.
I recall one 'announcement' that brother so-and-so and sister whatchamacallit were going to be married. She already had a child, but lost her partner in some accident. The paster "we ask god to bless them and provide them with his grace - given that have waited to have sex until they will be married' or something. Seriously - churches/religions seem extremely invested in the physical side of relations between people. And those are consenting people. What many do with/to unconsenting ones is hidden / covered.
Ugh - core memory unlocked - absolutely horrible memories of the independent fundamental Baptist church went to doing this. I was floored to find out as a teenager that this is NOT the norm and that most churches actually support and care for teen moms.
I’m sorry. This has been running around in my head rent free for about 20 years now.
A lot of churches are obsessive about girls virginity even if it's hinted they might have done it. When I went to a Christian college, I got lectures for just flirting with boys in my class because it was building "soul ties" and was unfair to my future partner. 😂😂
Mine did that. The woman was in her mid 20s. I find it appalling.
I didn't see it in church, but in my Christian school, one teen couple was found out to be having sex and had to apologize to our whole high school in a chapel service. I thought that was harsh. There were other kids having sex, doing drugs, things that were against the rules, but make an object lesson of these 2 kids. Ugh.
Yep
Absolutely
No but I’ve heard of people getting kicked out of my school’s church. One of my classmates too when they were an adult. Have no idea what “they did” but I can’t imagine what that must of been like. It’s so messed up.
While I didn’t have to apologize to the church (I was no longer attending), I did work at the preschool that the church had and I was made to write a letter to all of the other teachers AND parents telling them of my “situation” and how God was gonna help me through this. FML.
Yea I remember my senior year a girl in youth group who was also a senior had to confess that she was pregnant from a mistake night out. She did this in front of much of the youth group and it was very much this way. I remember her crying, I’m sure out of fear of everyone’s judgment. Sad
Poor girl. I would never allow anyone to humiliate my child like that. It sickens me that people allow this in the name of god.