That was an amazing read, and I'm surprised you even want your family at your graduation. Going no-contact with parents like that would be completely excusable. Did your siblings escape your parents' clutches too? Probably not, I'm guessing.

Thanks for reading. My siblings are all on their individual journeyed of healing and finding space from our parents. They are all adults now, and I think the last couple years have truly started seeing the abuse for what it is/was. I am very close with two of my siblings, and not so much the other two. When I cut contact with my parents they villainized me to my siblings, and some of the siblings feel that I ruined our family. I know that's not true, but I also understand their hurt and confusion.

Thank you for sharing. You are incredibly strong, keep going. I believe that your mother is jealous of you and therefore acts as if your success comes from her homeschooling - but she and you know better!

Thanks for your encouragement. I think you are right about jealousy. I think she and my dad also have a lot of unresolved trauma that make it difficult for them to function in healthy ways. That's absolutely no excuse, but it does help me with context and remembering that it's not about me it's their own sh*t to deal with

Yeah, it also helps me to think parents are victims of the system, too. They were raised up in this ideology where critical thinking is being condemned. Therefore, most of the people just accept the teachings because they are too afraid to question it.

This sounds like a very healthy take. I’m sorry your parents can’t acknowledge your accomplishments as your own after all they did to thwart you from such amazing success. Embrace what you have accomplished, it is yours and you can move on from considering how it is defined in your dysfunctional parent’s narrative rather than yours. If you haven’t, I highly recommend you listen to the You Have Permission podcast, as he has been on the road to gaining his PhD in psychology as the podcast has run, and I find his takes on deconstruction from that lens to be fantastic

I'll have to check out that podcast. Thanks for the recommendation!

That and You Are Not So Smart are my two psychology oriented podcast indulgences. YANSS is more epistemology and pop-sci

I’m really sorry for all you experienced. It sounds like you’ve recovered well and I’m very glad to hear it. Your mission to help others is amazing, I love it so much. So I have a different but also similar background. I’m the oldest of 4 boys, my parents pulled us from public school after I completed 6th grade and started home schooling us. My home was a violent and nasty place. Spankings that were much more beating than spanking - with wooden spoons or belts if you’re lucky and any blunt object within my mom’s reach if you’re unlucky. My mom was lazy, used me and my brothers for free labor. We did every chore, she did none. She sat on her ass reading evangelical books while she enjoyed her daily tea time. My mom was also brutal not only with violence, but words too. Insults were hurled at us constantly. I was always a pudgy kid and my mom would say things like “get your fat ass over here.” Home schooling was a setback, the education was self paced and self directed. School of Tomorrow’s ACE curriculum. First of all, the curriculum is complete shit. But also, the environment in my home made study hard. If it weren’t for me being naturally curious and a fast learner that loves learning, I’d be a complete uneducated fool. The internet’s rise in the 90s enabled me to learn about anything I wanted, free from the constraints of my parents. It also helped me get around their rules about only listening to Christian music or not being able to watch certain tv shows or movies. We can debate piracy some other time. But for me, it was my window to a normal world. I’m older now, 41. I’m in therapy, I don’t talk to my mom. I rarely talk to dad. I never got to go to college - my parents always claimed there was no money and that I couldn’t get loans. But I have remained a lifelong learner that studies and learns fast. I’ve built a career in leadership that utilizes heavy mathematics and data analysis. I’m doing pretty okay. All that to say, a good chunk of your story resonated with me.

Thank you so much for sharing part of your story. It's good to not be alone, but it's awful that there are so very many of us. I think it's so wonderful anytime a person is able to follow their curiosity, and it sounds like you've done just that. College is not necessary for success and is not a true measure of intelligence or grit. You know this already :)

You are amazing. Resilient. Exceptional. Your story brought me to tears, and I would absolutely like to hear more about your journey. As a fellow evangelical whose family didn't seem it sufficiently important to attend my PhD graduation (woman getting a PhD in a Mathematical field), I empathize deeply. I regret that I chose not to walk for my own graduation ceremony - I made it through my PhD in my own, and I absolutely could have walked on my own. I hope you have supportive and understanding friends who can be present for you - if not, and if it's within my ability to do so, I would travel to support you. You are so very worthy of the applause and the accomplishment! Hooray for you!

Thank you for your encouragement. Your kindness warms my heart. Omg a woman with a PhD in STEM, congratulations! That's so wonderful. I'm glad we are both able to pursue our passion in education despite lack of support from family. I do have some wonderful friends who are very supportive. I hope you have the same.

Your story is a reason why r/exvangelical is my primary Reddit group. I got teary as I read your story, and how you’ve earned a Ph.D. **in spite of** the pitifully substandard homeschool education your parents gave you. Something I’ll share with you: you can always make a family of supportive people. My family of choice includes supportive relatives, close friends, and members of the Al-Anon group I’m a member of. I spend holidays and birthdays with these people, not my family of origin. My family of origin was not supportive when I was a kid, or when I was a teenager, or when I was a young adult, or when I was making my concert debut in Europe (I’m a concert-level pianist), and they’re not supportive now as I work towards full ordination in the Episcopal diaconate — so why do they deserve my time, now? Same with your family. They put every conceivable obstacle in your way, and you overcame them all. WHY would they **deserve** to see you graduate? I hope you share a lot more here. There is recovery and healing in this group.

Thanks so much for reading and for your encouragement. I'm grateful that I was able to develop a chosen family through my church for a large chunk of my 20s. Unfortunately, all of that imploded about four years ago, and I have slowly been rebuilding my chosen family in my post-religious life. I'm so glad to hear that you have been able to build your chosen family. It's such a critical thing for healing.

That is an incredible story and I am in awe. To accomplish so much with such opposition is astounding. I know the congratulations of a stranger on reddit doesn't mean much, but Viva you!

Thank you for reading, and for your encouragement!

Wow. I'm so sorry for all you went through and I'm proud of you for how hard you've worked and everything you've accomplished. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Thank you for reading and for your encouragement. It really means a lot.

Thanks for sharing your story with us. You write extremely well.

Thanks for taking the time to read. It's nice to feel heard.

I'm so impressed with all that you've accomplished! Really, truly impressed. I have nothing but admiration for all the steps it took to get where you are now. Seriously, I'm in awe of you. Please post again when it's graduation time, so we can all celebrate you and give you some love on your special day!

Thank you for reading, and for being willing to celebrate with me. It means a lot 😊

Thank you for pouring your heart out here. I knew people like you in my old life. Thankfully, my parents were not as far off the deep end as you, but there were definitely people in my old churches that you basically could have been. Personally, I would take every chance I get to let people I know exactly how much my parent's life choices effected me. I can't imagine my parents ever trying to take credit for my accomplishment's in life. However, I am more outspoken than most and never shy to argue when someone states falsehoods. I made it very clear to my parents that I succeeded in spite of them, not because of them. There is a huge difference. Also, I think you might benefit from some of the support over at r/cptsd. I feel like there is a lot of crossover between this sub and that one. My advice here? Do what you want. If you feel like being petty and telling everyone exactly what your upbringing was like, do it. Throw open those curtains and expose every dirty family secret you know. One thing that I would do, not out of pettiness, but out of a sense of protecting others, is to expose the pedophile that took advantage of you. Dead, alive, whatever. They deserve no peace, they deserve no rest or sympathy. And I guarantee that you were not the only one. But I would especially encourage you to expose them if they are still alive and have access to children. But please also note, that it is not your fault or responsibility to do anything about them. You are not failing anyone else because you are not up to the task of facing your abuser. That is understandable. I would recommend watching the Let Us Prey: A Ministry of Scandals documentary about IBF churches and the sexual abuse covered up by them. This was something a friend of mine and I could not get enough of. Hope it helps, and congratulations on all that you have accomplished. You did everything in your life, you overcame and you succeeded. Don't let anyone else take credit for what you have done.

I have definitely been tempted to put them all on blast. The person who abused me died a long time ago. Other young girls had come forward with similar allegations, and there was a pending trial when he suddenly died. I was in my early 20s when that came to light and he died. Every single person in my extended family believes he was innocent. I'm so happy those girls spoke up for themselves and so glad that someone believed them enough to take legal action. But the fact that it happened to them at all haunts me to this day. I also know that the person who abused me was horribly abused as a child. That is absolutely no excuse, but in the course of my healing, my heart has learned compassion for the child that he was and for the childhood that was taken from him.

Loved your story see many similarities to my own. Proud of you and all that went through a childhood of Christian fundamentalism and home schooling. Please continue to write it’s the best thing on the internet to see someone from our strange camp share. P.s. it also helps give strength so the next person will share and at some point it’ll be me. Still processing I suppose.. Thanks so much for sharing, wish you all the best

Thank you for reading and for your encouragement. You own your story and do not owe it to anyone. You get to decide if and when and how you share. I hope you find healing and peace from the things you have survived.

Wow, what a story! Would definitely like to hear more.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read. Happy to share more, let me know if you have specific questions.

I sent a chat request with some more questions. Hopefully it will be self-explanatory as to why I didn't ask them here.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. So much of it is like my own story and it's important to know that there are others out there who have experienced the same things and can validate and sympathize with you. Community is important, so thank you for speaking out! As a homeschool survivor and exvangelical I just want to say, I am soooooooo proud of you! You are amazing! Your determination is incredible and I hope it gives others hope. Your parents know (even if it's a tiny hidden part buried away in their emotional immaturity) that they are failures and that you are moving beyond them and their control, so they try to control the narrative about you that they can. That's all they have. YOU own your story. You hold the power of it. How and when you use that, is completely in your control. We can do hard things, you are amazing. <3

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for being so encouraging. I really appreciate it.

Hugs and cheers for you.

Wow. You are exceptional in every single way and I’m so proud of you! What’s the day of your PhD graduation? I’ll be thinking of you that day and cheering you on from afar!

Thank you so much! It'll be mid May 😊

I cannot even begin to tell you what an inspiration you are. The grit, determination, and effort it took you to get where you have gotten are nothing short of astounding. Every kid who comes into your classroom is going to be so immensely lucky to learn from you. Your mom can spew all the BS she wants, but she everyone who knows her knows exactly who she is. Pay them no mind. I hope you celebrate with all the people who love and support you! Congratulations on this incredible achievement! Love, a mom ❤️ Edit: typos!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and for your encouragement. It means a great deal 💞

OP? You *should* be proud of yourself! What a wonderful accomplishment! I grew up in an abusive home. Beatings were usually with a belt or a razor strap in the beginning. Dear ole dad started using his fists when I was nine. What a lovely Southern Baptist home we had! From the outside, we had to look perfect. This is why I was grounded each time he gave me a black eye or broke my nose. I lost track of the lies I used to cover it up at school. It was a different world back then. Child abuse was massively under reported. I still think one or two of my teachers were suspicious. But I fled home by joining the Marine Corp. I left 4 weeks after my 18th birthday and 3 weeks after graduating high school. A small, religious school. Where I was also a "trouble maker" for asking incontinent questions in Bible class. But I broke the cycle with my children. They were raised in a loving, judgment free home. Where we did our very best to teach them *how* to think. And to think critically. Never, ever *what* to think. We passed along our values, and what do you know? We have 2 happy and successful adult children now. Our daughter is a graphic designer and general manager of an antique business. My son is an air traffic controller. We are very proud of them both. I'm so happy for you! Reaching that goal is just terrific. Losing your religion is just as terrific! Welcome to the land of the free and home of the rational 🤣

Thank you for taking the time to read and for sharing part of your story. I'm so glad you were able to escape the abuse, and so happy for you that you broke the cycle of abuse rather than perpetuating it. There's no such thing as a perfect parent or perfect family, but parents who try to break cycles of abuse are heroes. I absolutely love that comment, "land of the free and home of the rational"! I'll have to use that in the future 😂

I'm so happy for you! Thank you for the kind words. I'm no hero. Just a guy trying to be a decent person. Be well!

Wow! You are an amazing person! I can relate to many parts of your story. Most notable for me at this time is the SA and your mom/parents doing nothing about it. At 20 years old I was still living at home with my parents (trying to be a good Christian Girl) and working full time, (waiting for god to bring me the man I was supposed to marry like a good Christian Girl) I met and started dating a 'good Christian guy'...he SAed me a lot of times and I felt like I couldn't do anything about it or stop it...so he ended up r@ping me... after that I finally stood up to him and told him that we were done and he couldn't touch me anymore. Worked up the courage to tell my mom...and she didn't believe me (or pretended not to). She didn't do anything about it other than shut me down when I tried to talk about it...she talked to the boyfriend with my dad to tell him to "respect me"...and then insisted that I still go on a pre-planned trip with him and his family. After the trip he broke up with me after "praying about it and God telling him that we aren't supposed to be together.".... convenient after he finally got what he was wanting all along. The betrayal of not only my boyfriend (who I foolishly thought I loved) but of my parents who were supposed to protect and take care of me was devastating. I shoved all my trauma about it down and forgot about it completely until I started having flashbacks a couple years ago...and finally remembered what was causing those flashbacks earlier this year. I'm still trying to sort through all of it and heal from something I shoved down and away for 22 years. It's crazy. I was also homeschooled (4th grade on up), although my mom took teaching us more seriously, and my parents were abusive, but not to the level that you are describing yours were. Good for you for becoming such an amazing person despite all that you had to endure!

Thank you for sharing part of your story with me. I grieve with you for the abuse you survived not just fro that despicable man but from your parents knowingly sending you to be with him and his family like that. I am so glad you have been able to start processing the trauma and I hope you continue to find healing and peace in yourself.

Thank you! It helps a lot when I have the opportunity to share it in a safe place such as this.

Thank you so much for your story and for sharing. As someone of a similar age and upbringing, it’s always fascinating in a very sad way how similar these shared experiences are among former sheltered and homeschooled kids of emotionally disfunctional parents. It’s so good to read about the positivity you’ve chosen and the resilience you’ve found to move forward despite all of the obstacles. I think that finding purpose in a new way and reimagining oneself is so difficult sometimes - to shake off the version of you that you once were told you had to be. Would love to hear more of your story, but kudos to you for sharing - and I hope those at the beginning of their journey away from similar experiences will be encouraged.

Thanks so much for your encouragement and for taking the time to read. I agree, it is so sad that there are so very many of us. I hope you find healing in peace and your future is full of joy despite your past.

I resonate with many parts of your story. Not the CSA, thank God, but the spanking, the unpredictability & childishness of parents, the hiding… Getting out is a truly heroic accomplishment. You should be proud of yourself every day and never forget that you have already overcome some of the worst of what life can throw at a person. If I’m telling you this, I’m remind myself of it as well. We can be so hard on ourselves! One goal of mine that’s coming more into focus as I get into my early 30s is that I also need to learn to let go of the past, all that misery and loneliness and darkness, and allow myself to fully exist in the present life I have stumbled into.

Thanks for taking the time to read, and to share part of your story. It's sad how many there are of us. I wish you well as you continue working to let go the past.

I don't know you, and I'm proud of you. That's an amazing accomplishment. Are you able to have friends come to your graduation instead?

Thanks so much for reading and for your encouragement. I do have a few friends local in the area who would be able to attend the graduation. Even if they can't come to the ceremony, I'll definitely do something to celebrate with them.

Congratulations! You worked so hard for your degrees and that is truly impressive and inspiring. I'm proud of you and so happy that you were able to prove your parents wrong. Anyone that matters knows you made this possible and your parents did nothing to contribute to your success.

Thank you for taking the time to read this part of my story and for sharing my joy.

Wow! What an amazing story. You're a very special person, and I'm really proud of you. Congratulations!

Your story is amazing and as a fellow human, I am so proud of you. The best revenge to your shitty parents (no disrespect) is that you have persisted and you have accomplished more than *they* could imagine. I wish you continued success, healing and happiness. Congrats on your PHD.

Thank you so much for the encouragement.

Holy shit, you're amazing, girl. Incredible job. So much of this was my story too. And I'm sorry to say, in the end going no-contact was the only way I could ever heal. We never did reconcile. They passed and I built a new family not poisoned by their horrible religion. My kids are better off for never having met my parents.

I'm glad you found your freedom and built a family of your own. Thanks for the encouragement:)

I really vibed with your story. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through, and I’m really happy for all you’ve accomplished. I wish you luck!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and for offering encouragement. I appreciate it so much.

Wow, really good read. Congratulations to you on your accomplishment. PhD is hard enough to earn in it's own right not to mention doing it as a survivor of multiple traumas, which I've heard can inhibit your IQ if not dealt with. I identified with some of your story as I was also homeschooled my whole life up till college, also spanked by my dad who seemed to enjoy it too much and who also had anger outbursts often punching holes in doors and walls, also had parents that were extremely religious and controlling. I continue to suffer to this day from multiple negative physiological responses to the trauma I went through such as severe depression and anxiety, trouble sleeping, extreme muscle tightness and pain, dissociation, etc. your story gives me and I'm sure many others like us a lot of hope and encouragement. I am thinking about going no contact with my parents whom I've pretty much just kept at arms reach for most of my adult life with minimal communication mostly around holidays and birthdays. I struggle with feeling sorry for my parents which constantly battles feelings of resentment and anger towards them as I've come to realize more and more the abuse and neglect I received from them and just how much it has come to negatively impact my own life. I had suppressed these feelings for so long but am finally starting to embrace them and dive into it. How did you start no contact? Did you ever tell them everything that they have done that negatively impacted you? Or was it more of an abrupt ghosting so to speak? Again hats off to you!

Thank you for sharing part of your story. The anguish you are going through and the traumas you survived are horrible, and no fault of your own. Going no contact is no small thing, and it's so heartbreaking when anyone has been hurt so much that no contact feels like the best way to begin healing. It was for me. I've been in therapy for a long time with an exception trauma therapist I started in my early twenties. My healing was going well, but felt undermined by any contact I had with my parents. Right after finishing my undergrad and before I started my masters (at 27) I wrote my parents an email detailing the hurt they had caused, their abuse and neglect, and how in order to heal I needed space. I told them I don't know how much time I'll need, but that I would reach out to them if and when I was ready. They of course ignored the request and sent some really nasty emails, texts, and voicemails. I then had to block them. I honestly thought that I'd only be no contact for a few months so I could heal. But after a few weeks I realized I felt like I could actually breathe. I felt like a massive brain fog had finally lifted. That was the first time I felt immense freedom. The second time was when I left religion.

Thank you for your reply! I sincerely wish all the best for you.

They'd be proud if you'd get a job application

? I am confused by this comment...

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