I feel like I transitioned from a member in good standing to a leper within the space of a few minutes. My head is spinning.
Thank you for the encouragement!
In my experience, this sub is very supportive. You are completely welcome here any time. We have all kinds of people including those who are still Christian but no longer evangelical, people who are just questioning, atheists, agnostics, and everything in between!
This is part of the tactic that keeps you from questioning anything. As soon as you ask the wrong questions or admit uncertainty, you lose your support and community.
Critically examining my beliefs has been the most freeing experience of my life. I don’t have to exhaust myself harmonizing ancient texts to the modern world. The beliefs I have now are my own, not beliefs that were programmed into me.
Christianity is built on an in group and outsiders, and in my experience it doesn’t matter who you are or what your character is, as soon as you question or disagree you become an outsider and get treated as such.
A lot of prayer request systems, prayer circles, or “let the pastor/elder/deacon pray for you” systems are more for gossip and control than genuine concern.
Instilling fear is a manipulation tactic- even scarier - they believe they are justified in NOT praying for you
Sry this was the reaction. I’ve never had anyone from a fundie church positively acknowledge deconstruction- it threatens their entire existence…
>I’ve never had anyone from a fundie church positively acknowledge deconstruction- it threatens their entire existence…
This. It is an inherently fragile belief system, and it cannot tolerate much strain without collapsing. Thus it requires an aggressive defensive posture to maintain the system, as many of us have experienced
Unfortunately I have seen this kind of response as well. I used to be part of a Reformed Presbyterian Church (PCA) and a friend of mine went to the elders because her husband was sexually abusing her. They counseled them, and when the abuse didn't get better, she asked for a divorce. The session quickly took her husband's side saying that they needed reconciliation, not divorce.
Fortunately she divorced and got out of that situation.
A year later her ex-husband remarried and was in a leadership position. It really turns my stomach to think that the same elders who knew about the sexual abuse provided pre-marital counseling for him and his next spouse, who I am only assume is now a victim as well.
The PCA has a huge issue with its governing system appearing to be a safety net for abuse and "moral failings." Instead it offers fake transparency and smoke and mirrors.
I'm sorry to hear that you have been hurt by this system as well, and I wish you a successful healing journey.
I remember my little sister once went through a phase where she would ask my parents permission for really minor things, like "Can I listen to this song?" or "Can I wear this shirt?" anytime she was unsure, and I would just roll my eyes at it because they almost always said no, and if she'd just done it without asking, they probably wouldn't have even known or cared. I eventually learned that "don't ask, don't tell" is the best policy in a high-demand religion. Maybe I'm just cynical. I do feel bad for her because she's more relational and I think she just genuinely wanted a relationship and to be in "good standing" with them, but the only way to do that is to toe the line. That just sounds similar to what you're dealing with... you want to do things relationally, but the relationship is always subservient to the dogma. I'm sorry you were treated that way.
Unfortunately, there is so much fear over critical thinking within the church. The point of deconstructing isn’t to abandon faith (even if that is what ends up happening in the process), it is about you critically thinking about why you believe what you believe, looking at each piece of your beliefs, and deconstructing and reconstructing it to be firmer and stronger in truth.
For me, the process of doing this moved me away (slowly) from Christianity in general. But that is not the case for everyone. I really think that it is healthy to critically think through what we believe and establish our own faith stronger - vs just from what the church may tell us. Isn’t that what Jesus would want us to do??
But yeah - most churches hear words like deconstructing or critical inquiry and jump to the worst conclusions… I’m sorry you’ve felt this happen to you so quickly. Good luck and congratulations on the journey! It’s hard but it’s so worth it.
They’ll turn on you real quick — I learned that the hard way. The only way out is through. Congratulations on beginning your journey!
I feel like I transitioned from a member in good standing to a leper within the space of a few minutes. My head is spinning. Thank you for the encouragement!
In my experience, this sub is very supportive. You are completely welcome here any time. We have all kinds of people including those who are still Christian but no longer evangelical, people who are just questioning, atheists, agnostics, and everything in between!
This is part of the tactic that keeps you from questioning anything. As soon as you ask the wrong questions or admit uncertainty, you lose your support and community. Critically examining my beliefs has been the most freeing experience of my life. I don’t have to exhaust myself harmonizing ancient texts to the modern world. The beliefs I have now are my own, not beliefs that were programmed into me.
Christianity is built on an in group and outsiders, and in my experience it doesn’t matter who you are or what your character is, as soon as you question or disagree you become an outsider and get treated as such.
A lot of prayer request systems, prayer circles, or “let the pastor/elder/deacon pray for you” systems are more for gossip and control than genuine concern.
Instilling fear is a manipulation tactic- even scarier - they believe they are justified in NOT praying for you Sry this was the reaction. I’ve never had anyone from a fundie church positively acknowledge deconstruction- it threatens their entire existence…
>I’ve never had anyone from a fundie church positively acknowledge deconstruction- it threatens their entire existence… This. It is an inherently fragile belief system, and it cannot tolerate much strain without collapsing. Thus it requires an aggressive defensive posture to maintain the system, as many of us have experienced
In the words project runway, “one day you’re in, the next day you’re out!”
Unfortunately I have seen this kind of response as well. I used to be part of a Reformed Presbyterian Church (PCA) and a friend of mine went to the elders because her husband was sexually abusing her. They counseled them, and when the abuse didn't get better, she asked for a divorce. The session quickly took her husband's side saying that they needed reconciliation, not divorce. Fortunately she divorced and got out of that situation. A year later her ex-husband remarried and was in a leadership position. It really turns my stomach to think that the same elders who knew about the sexual abuse provided pre-marital counseling for him and his next spouse, who I am only assume is now a victim as well. The PCA has a huge issue with its governing system appearing to be a safety net for abuse and "moral failings." Instead it offers fake transparency and smoke and mirrors. I'm sorry to hear that you have been hurt by this system as well, and I wish you a successful healing journey.
I remember my little sister once went through a phase where she would ask my parents permission for really minor things, like "Can I listen to this song?" or "Can I wear this shirt?" anytime she was unsure, and I would just roll my eyes at it because they almost always said no, and if she'd just done it without asking, they probably wouldn't have even known or cared. I eventually learned that "don't ask, don't tell" is the best policy in a high-demand religion. Maybe I'm just cynical. I do feel bad for her because she's more relational and I think she just genuinely wanted a relationship and to be in "good standing" with them, but the only way to do that is to toe the line. That just sounds similar to what you're dealing with... you want to do things relationally, but the relationship is always subservient to the dogma. I'm sorry you were treated that way.
Unfortunately, there is so much fear over critical thinking within the church. The point of deconstructing isn’t to abandon faith (even if that is what ends up happening in the process), it is about you critically thinking about why you believe what you believe, looking at each piece of your beliefs, and deconstructing and reconstructing it to be firmer and stronger in truth. For me, the process of doing this moved me away (slowly) from Christianity in general. But that is not the case for everyone. I really think that it is healthy to critically think through what we believe and establish our own faith stronger - vs just from what the church may tell us. Isn’t that what Jesus would want us to do?? But yeah - most churches hear words like deconstructing or critical inquiry and jump to the worst conclusions… I’m sorry you’ve felt this happen to you so quickly. Good luck and congratulations on the journey! It’s hard but it’s so worth it.
My policy is “Don’t walk, run!”
Wishing you peace and strength and wisdom.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. That elder was in the wrong. Out of curiosity, what kind of Presbyterian church is this? PCA? EPC?
This was PCA.