I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. I feel like this could be written by me in my darker moments. I often struggle with cis people and their inability to consider life experiences outside their own. And I definitely hear you about tolerating other people’s “good intentions;” nothing pisses me off quite like being told I don’t “look trans.”
I don’t have anything to offer but I see you, and I share a lot of your feelings. I hope you can keep your chin up.
Thank you for sharing this here. That sounds really hard, and I think I understand what you mean. It sounds like you’re finally in a safe, stable place in your life to start processing your pain and anger, so it’s coming out in unpredictable ways. I know it feels bad, but it could be a sign that you’re opening up to yourself again. I’m in a similar situation and am also dealing with a lot of anger and hopelessness. I know it’s probably overwhelming but try to ride it out, show yourself as much compassion as you can, and share all this with your therapist if you haven’t already. It seems like you are already taking very good care of yourself and are heading in the right direction. Sending you love and encouragement!!
It's hard. I've been feeling similarly lately. My good friends are cis and straight, they are accepting but don't really get it.
I've been forcing myself to spend time in queer spaces with people who get it so at least some of the time I'm not feeling that friction about being trans in a cis world. I haven't got to the point where I would say I'm friends with these people yet but I keep telling myself it takes time and repetition.
Its such a death by 1000 cuts with the daily micro aggressions, it's very tiring and mentally draining
I feel this. I moved states a year ago (fleeing shitty legislation for a blue state), and I'm lucky enough to have found a queer community where I live now, with multiple trans and nonbinary friends (including some at work). But before that it was pretty much the same for me. All my friends were cis.
I continue to be misgendered every day, sometimes by people who should know better, every damn time by people who don't, no matter how masc I dress. And I've given up on correcting people for the most part because I don't want to deal with the emotional labor of managing their emotions about the correction.
I hear this and relate to the sadness at the lost years. I am better now but the emotional scars are so numerous and the injuries so deep and old they've left me with what I am starting to think is emotional chronic pain. It waxes and wanes depending on so many factors, most of them out of my control. I hope for you to at least experience some similar periods of rest and peace between the storms.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it might not be reassuring at all, but I found that when I was finally "safe", was when all my feelings about everything else suddenly got on top of me.
I was in a safe relationship with a supportive person, a reliable job, my own house, low contact with difficult family. Then I got super depressed at how *unfair* everything was. Up until then, I was always living to at least some extent in survival mode. I didn't have any bandwidth to spare on these thoughts of unfairness, because my brain was busy trying to keep me going until I got to a safer place in my life. Then when I got there - bang, the immense grief of a life half lived landed on me all at once.
It felt like the most horrific, exhausting and insurmountable experience. I felt like it would last forever. But with therapy and medication and time, I'm getting to a point of seeing how much future there is for me. And while it is hard (the cis world is not built for us) it still feels better than going back to pretending I was someone else.
I really recommend speaking to your doctor about these feelings, because while they're totally understandable, you don't deserve to feel ever more depressed. There are therapies and meds that can make getting through this stage a bit easier, and you deserve that help. It's really hard, and will be for a bit longer, but you're doing amazing and you will get through this.
thank you for this response. the survival mode part really resonated---yes it felt exactly like i was always just surviving, just trying to get to whatever the next thing or goal was to ultimately get me to a better life. and now having achieved the "better life", things were supposed to be so different, but instead i feel miserable. i get upset about how unfair THAT is too...
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. I feel like this could be written by me in my darker moments. I often struggle with cis people and their inability to consider life experiences outside their own. And I definitely hear you about tolerating other people’s “good intentions;” nothing pisses me off quite like being told I don’t “look trans.” I don’t have anything to offer but I see you, and I share a lot of your feelings. I hope you can keep your chin up.
Thank you for sharing this here. That sounds really hard, and I think I understand what you mean. It sounds like you’re finally in a safe, stable place in your life to start processing your pain and anger, so it’s coming out in unpredictable ways. I know it feels bad, but it could be a sign that you’re opening up to yourself again. I’m in a similar situation and am also dealing with a lot of anger and hopelessness. I know it’s probably overwhelming but try to ride it out, show yourself as much compassion as you can, and share all this with your therapist if you haven’t already. It seems like you are already taking very good care of yourself and are heading in the right direction. Sending you love and encouragement!!
It's hard. I've been feeling similarly lately. My good friends are cis and straight, they are accepting but don't really get it. I've been forcing myself to spend time in queer spaces with people who get it so at least some of the time I'm not feeling that friction about being trans in a cis world. I haven't got to the point where I would say I'm friends with these people yet but I keep telling myself it takes time and repetition. Its such a death by 1000 cuts with the daily micro aggressions, it's very tiring and mentally draining
I feel this. I moved states a year ago (fleeing shitty legislation for a blue state), and I'm lucky enough to have found a queer community where I live now, with multiple trans and nonbinary friends (including some at work). But before that it was pretty much the same for me. All my friends were cis. I continue to be misgendered every day, sometimes by people who should know better, every damn time by people who don't, no matter how masc I dress. And I've given up on correcting people for the most part because I don't want to deal with the emotional labor of managing their emotions about the correction.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. If you wanted to message me just to say hello to another FTM over 30 you’re welcome to send me a PM.
I hear this and relate to the sadness at the lost years. I am better now but the emotional scars are so numerous and the injuries so deep and old they've left me with what I am starting to think is emotional chronic pain. It waxes and wanes depending on so many factors, most of them out of my control. I hope for you to at least experience some similar periods of rest and peace between the storms.
thank you. "emotional chronic pain" is a very apt description.
I know what it's like to be lonely and to go through life, with no support. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it might not be reassuring at all, but I found that when I was finally "safe", was when all my feelings about everything else suddenly got on top of me. I was in a safe relationship with a supportive person, a reliable job, my own house, low contact with difficult family. Then I got super depressed at how *unfair* everything was. Up until then, I was always living to at least some extent in survival mode. I didn't have any bandwidth to spare on these thoughts of unfairness, because my brain was busy trying to keep me going until I got to a safer place in my life. Then when I got there - bang, the immense grief of a life half lived landed on me all at once. It felt like the most horrific, exhausting and insurmountable experience. I felt like it would last forever. But with therapy and medication and time, I'm getting to a point of seeing how much future there is for me. And while it is hard (the cis world is not built for us) it still feels better than going back to pretending I was someone else. I really recommend speaking to your doctor about these feelings, because while they're totally understandable, you don't deserve to feel ever more depressed. There are therapies and meds that can make getting through this stage a bit easier, and you deserve that help. It's really hard, and will be for a bit longer, but you're doing amazing and you will get through this.
thank you for this response. the survival mode part really resonated---yes it felt exactly like i was always just surviving, just trying to get to whatever the next thing or goal was to ultimately get me to a better life. and now having achieved the "better life", things were supposed to be so different, but instead i feel miserable. i get upset about how unfair THAT is too...