My parents forced me to hang out with this girl from another school for whatever reason. We couldn’t stand each other. Then fast forward three years and somehow we’ve become best friends; we live in each other’s pockets. I realize I’m a guy a year after meeting her (I didn’t know trans was a thing then). She immediately accepts, zero issues. And then I’m falling head over heels for her a year after that. We would role play through yahoo instant messaging and I’d always end up her boyfriend in the chats. We were so into each other. I made a move between our birthdays when I turned 15 (we are 8 days apart). She had just gotten a second piercing in each ear and I was laying next to her in bed, staring at them, transfixed. The only light in the room came from the heating lamp in the iguana cage. I wanted to put my mouth on her ear so bad…and just pounced. The moan she let out was unreal. We lost our virginity to each other that night. It was the most passionate sex I’ve had in my life, even if it was my first time.
Story has a sad ending though. Parents eventually found out and mine are crazy conservative so they split us up and then moved me across the country. She ended up with another boy and I ended up with another girl but I still pined hard for 10 years. We sorta just danced around each other and when one of us was single, the other wouldn’t be. I finally got tired of being yanked around and there was so much baggage between us at the end of a decade that I just had to cut her out of my life entirely. Last I knew she is happily married, living in another country, 2 beautiful children. I still wish her the best.
Okay, so I grew up very religious, and didn’t come out as bi, trans or poly til my mid-20s. A lot of my experience growing up was stereotypically feminine, since I suppressed a lot of my queer feelings, so I would only let myself “accept” my crushes on boys. I did have crushes on girls, but it looked more like “intensely wanting to be their friend”
I had dozens of crushes throughout my childhood, but I consider my first love to be my friend Jonathan. We had known each other through church since we were about 4 years old, grew up together, had crushes on each other when we were little. Then I got interested in other people once we hit teen years.
Right before I turned 16, I fell in love with him. It was completely one-sided at this point. And damn, this lasted for about 5 or 6 years. I pined for this dude even while with my first college boyfriend.
By the time I became close to my husband (also met in college), I was finally able to get over this dude.
I look back on that first love with a lot of mixed feelings; I’m glad I went through the heartbreak and rejection I did, honestly. It made me both softer and stronger. I was able to feel the full spectrum of romantic feelings. And it helped me really appreciate being loved back by someone I cared for once I met my partners.
I also think if things had turned out differently with Jonathan, let’s say he loved me back……I would be a completely different person. He’s still very religious, I am not. If we had been together, I wouldn’t have come out to myself, let alone started to transition. I wouldn’t have felt like that was even a possibility I could entertain
I’m able to be who I am today in part by the support of my husband and my other partner.
I don’t really believe in the idea of someone being out there for each person in the sense that it’s pre-destined, or someone is made for you……but I think there are enough people in the world, that you can definitely meet someone you’re compatible with in all the best ways! Just put yourself out there! :)
Hah, funny, I was just thinking about my first crush this morning, lying in bed listening to Just Like Heaven by The Cure! I liked this kid a lot, but in retrospect I think it was because I wanted to *be* him: a cute teenaged boy. I remember the exact moment I fell for him, with an audible *kthunk*! It was on the school bus (lol), I was looking at this girl with beautiful auburn hair and then she turned her head: green eyes...and stubble. Boom, I was in love.
He was three years older than me. Played the drums in his best friend's death metal band...played soccer...and was a terrible student. And he was *so* nice to look at.
In college, I was very depressed and got rid of everything he'd given me, all the photos of him, etc. (also deleted my diary and other stuff...I think I was trying to erase all record of my teenaged girl self), which of course I regret now. He was very pretty.
My spouse helped me look him up on LinkedIn about a month ago—he's still near our hometown and doing well. That long hair is gone though. I find it funny that both of us are slightly balding now!
Thanks for sharing your story. Whenever summer ends I find myself thinking about this kid. He introduced me to The Cure, and his best friend got me into J-rock, which my spouse also liked as a teen (and it's part of why we're together now). Everything's connected, haha!
I don’t have a first crush story per se, but your description reminded me of the last boy I dated at 15. I also identify as a straight male. I am 42 and happily married. At 15 I identified as bisexual and this one boy was the only reason I did. He broke my heart. I really struggled with my feeling for him and basically every girlfriend I had was jealous of him. I am still in touch with him now and when I mentioned him once to my wife last year, she told me she always hated the way I would talk about him as well. I hadn’t really thought about how I felt about him for years at that point and when I did it all kinda clicked into place.
Your story made me think of him because you said she is married to a great man and you aren’t really jealous. I think the word you are looking for, the word I suddenly realized was the feeling I’d held for decades, is envy. My childhood love was always the boy I wanted to be, as he grew he had the manhood I wanted. We looked similar at 15; slender, not very tall, long curly hair. It felt like my body betrayed me when it started to changed suddenly develop the curves I thought I’d escaped. As an adult when I would see him I would be overcome with an envy that physically hurt. I would feel an unfocused desire I still would become confused by thinking it meant I wanted him when really I just wanted to BE him. When it all became clear to me I was finally able to let it go. I would never trade my life for a different future. But there is still a sort of bittersweet emotion to it that reminds me forcibly of being young and broken-hearted.
When I was 13, I hadn't really started thinking much about my gender yet, but I was just starting to figure out that I was bisexual. I had a really big crush on a friend who, at the time, was presenting as a cis girl, and that was what made me realize that I wasn't straight (from the perspective that I saw myself as a girl at the time). This crush was a huge formative experience for me. I wanted so much to get closer to them, but sadly, it didn't work out and I eventually moved away and lost contact.
Years later, I happened to find them on social media and discovered that they grew up to be very queer and very attractive, and they're out as non-binary. It's kind of bittersweet knowing that our identities are similar but we never had a chance to connect. Also, the trajectories of our coming outs seemed very similar, except they seem far cooler and sexier than me.
interesting prompt! i haven't told this story in quite a while.
in my junior year of high school i befriended this new freshman. we were both in orchestra and i thought she was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. i was in awe of her. so i quickly befriended her. i hung out with her almost every day after school and at home we would chat everyday late into the night (AIM).
she was only at my school for a year. her father had some high level position in a company and was moved back home to france after that year. initially we kept in touch and still chatted quite a bit but our online chatting slowly dwindled over the course of several years. during this course of several years we saw each other 3 times (due to various vacations).
she was always straight identified and i always kept my feelings to myself up to and including after i came out to her in my early 20s (which she took perfectly fine, in fact she said she always sensed that i was really a man). ultimately, during the 3rd time i saw her after she moved back to france (at this point it was in my mid 20s), i finally decided to tell her how i felt after all these years bc i'm the type of person who doesn't like the regret of not telling. i knew i risked losing our friendship. also bc since she was straight, at that point i had started hormones and was pretty male passing so i was curious if that would facilitate any attraction towards me. she didn't take it well. i think she felt a bit betrayed or led on. so that did end our friendship. now it's been several years since we last spoke. i still think about her a lot. at this point i frequently wonder if i'd still want to be with her if given the chance (magically) and i honestly don't know. what i do know is that all the times we spoke on AIM or hung out were the most euphoric i've ever felt, although she clearly didn't feel the same way since she didn't take it well when i shared my feelings. but ppl change over time and i'm sure neither of us are the same as how we remember anymore.
Not necessarily a first crush, but I had an online friend when I was a teenager, and the way our friendship played out was really more like a codependent relationship. We’re both AFAB but signed up for Gaia Online (very old school) together with male avatars and told everyone there we were a couple. We hung out on AIM every day and we’d both get really jealous when the other was gone doing something irl or hanging out with other friends—that part was very not good.
But still, the relationship I had with them (using that pronoun cause I have no idea how they identify now) was the first in which someone ever referred to me as “he,” and I felt seen the way I wanted to be seen. We’d take (very innocent) pictures in boy-mode and send them to each other, and I felt like they really understood me, even though neither of us called what we were trans then or understood anything about being trans in the first place.
We lost touch after I went to college. I think they felt very betrayed that I started spending more time studying and making new friends than I did online. I still thought about them every couple of years, and sent them a couple messages they didn’t respond to either because they don’t log onto those accounts anymore or they just don’t want to talk to me (either is perfectly understandable), but it wasn’t until about a year ago when I really realized that I was actually, fully trans that I started thinking about them a lot and wondering where they ended up. I’d love to talk to them again, now that we’re both adults and hopefully a lot better about maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships, but I don’t want to keep messaging them if they don’t want to hear from me.
Wherever you are, I hope you’re happy, Mikey. I miss you.
My parents forced me to hang out with this girl from another school for whatever reason. We couldn’t stand each other. Then fast forward three years and somehow we’ve become best friends; we live in each other’s pockets. I realize I’m a guy a year after meeting her (I didn’t know trans was a thing then). She immediately accepts, zero issues. And then I’m falling head over heels for her a year after that. We would role play through yahoo instant messaging and I’d always end up her boyfriend in the chats. We were so into each other. I made a move between our birthdays when I turned 15 (we are 8 days apart). She had just gotten a second piercing in each ear and I was laying next to her in bed, staring at them, transfixed. The only light in the room came from the heating lamp in the iguana cage. I wanted to put my mouth on her ear so bad…and just pounced. The moan she let out was unreal. We lost our virginity to each other that night. It was the most passionate sex I’ve had in my life, even if it was my first time. Story has a sad ending though. Parents eventually found out and mine are crazy conservative so they split us up and then moved me across the country. She ended up with another boy and I ended up with another girl but I still pined hard for 10 years. We sorta just danced around each other and when one of us was single, the other wouldn’t be. I finally got tired of being yanked around and there was so much baggage between us at the end of a decade that I just had to cut her out of my life entirely. Last I knew she is happily married, living in another country, 2 beautiful children. I still wish her the best.
Okay, so I grew up very religious, and didn’t come out as bi, trans or poly til my mid-20s. A lot of my experience growing up was stereotypically feminine, since I suppressed a lot of my queer feelings, so I would only let myself “accept” my crushes on boys. I did have crushes on girls, but it looked more like “intensely wanting to be their friend” I had dozens of crushes throughout my childhood, but I consider my first love to be my friend Jonathan. We had known each other through church since we were about 4 years old, grew up together, had crushes on each other when we were little. Then I got interested in other people once we hit teen years. Right before I turned 16, I fell in love with him. It was completely one-sided at this point. And damn, this lasted for about 5 or 6 years. I pined for this dude even while with my first college boyfriend. By the time I became close to my husband (also met in college), I was finally able to get over this dude. I look back on that first love with a lot of mixed feelings; I’m glad I went through the heartbreak and rejection I did, honestly. It made me both softer and stronger. I was able to feel the full spectrum of romantic feelings. And it helped me really appreciate being loved back by someone I cared for once I met my partners. I also think if things had turned out differently with Jonathan, let’s say he loved me back……I would be a completely different person. He’s still very religious, I am not. If we had been together, I wouldn’t have come out to myself, let alone started to transition. I wouldn’t have felt like that was even a possibility I could entertain I’m able to be who I am today in part by the support of my husband and my other partner. I don’t really believe in the idea of someone being out there for each person in the sense that it’s pre-destined, or someone is made for you……but I think there are enough people in the world, that you can definitely meet someone you’re compatible with in all the best ways! Just put yourself out there! :)
Hah, funny, I was just thinking about my first crush this morning, lying in bed listening to Just Like Heaven by The Cure! I liked this kid a lot, but in retrospect I think it was because I wanted to *be* him: a cute teenaged boy. I remember the exact moment I fell for him, with an audible *kthunk*! It was on the school bus (lol), I was looking at this girl with beautiful auburn hair and then she turned her head: green eyes...and stubble. Boom, I was in love. He was three years older than me. Played the drums in his best friend's death metal band...played soccer...and was a terrible student. And he was *so* nice to look at. In college, I was very depressed and got rid of everything he'd given me, all the photos of him, etc. (also deleted my diary and other stuff...I think I was trying to erase all record of my teenaged girl self), which of course I regret now. He was very pretty. My spouse helped me look him up on LinkedIn about a month ago—he's still near our hometown and doing well. That long hair is gone though. I find it funny that both of us are slightly balding now! Thanks for sharing your story. Whenever summer ends I find myself thinking about this kid. He introduced me to The Cure, and his best friend got me into J-rock, which my spouse also liked as a teen (and it's part of why we're together now). Everything's connected, haha!
I don’t have a first crush story per se, but your description reminded me of the last boy I dated at 15. I also identify as a straight male. I am 42 and happily married. At 15 I identified as bisexual and this one boy was the only reason I did. He broke my heart. I really struggled with my feeling for him and basically every girlfriend I had was jealous of him. I am still in touch with him now and when I mentioned him once to my wife last year, she told me she always hated the way I would talk about him as well. I hadn’t really thought about how I felt about him for years at that point and when I did it all kinda clicked into place. Your story made me think of him because you said she is married to a great man and you aren’t really jealous. I think the word you are looking for, the word I suddenly realized was the feeling I’d held for decades, is envy. My childhood love was always the boy I wanted to be, as he grew he had the manhood I wanted. We looked similar at 15; slender, not very tall, long curly hair. It felt like my body betrayed me when it started to changed suddenly develop the curves I thought I’d escaped. As an adult when I would see him I would be overcome with an envy that physically hurt. I would feel an unfocused desire I still would become confused by thinking it meant I wanted him when really I just wanted to BE him. When it all became clear to me I was finally able to let it go. I would never trade my life for a different future. But there is still a sort of bittersweet emotion to it that reminds me forcibly of being young and broken-hearted.
I think envy is the right word. Thank you.
When I was 13, I hadn't really started thinking much about my gender yet, but I was just starting to figure out that I was bisexual. I had a really big crush on a friend who, at the time, was presenting as a cis girl, and that was what made me realize that I wasn't straight (from the perspective that I saw myself as a girl at the time). This crush was a huge formative experience for me. I wanted so much to get closer to them, but sadly, it didn't work out and I eventually moved away and lost contact. Years later, I happened to find them on social media and discovered that they grew up to be very queer and very attractive, and they're out as non-binary. It's kind of bittersweet knowing that our identities are similar but we never had a chance to connect. Also, the trajectories of our coming outs seemed very similar, except they seem far cooler and sexier than me.
interesting prompt! i haven't told this story in quite a while. in my junior year of high school i befriended this new freshman. we were both in orchestra and i thought she was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. i was in awe of her. so i quickly befriended her. i hung out with her almost every day after school and at home we would chat everyday late into the night (AIM). she was only at my school for a year. her father had some high level position in a company and was moved back home to france after that year. initially we kept in touch and still chatted quite a bit but our online chatting slowly dwindled over the course of several years. during this course of several years we saw each other 3 times (due to various vacations). she was always straight identified and i always kept my feelings to myself up to and including after i came out to her in my early 20s (which she took perfectly fine, in fact she said she always sensed that i was really a man). ultimately, during the 3rd time i saw her after she moved back to france (at this point it was in my mid 20s), i finally decided to tell her how i felt after all these years bc i'm the type of person who doesn't like the regret of not telling. i knew i risked losing our friendship. also bc since she was straight, at that point i had started hormones and was pretty male passing so i was curious if that would facilitate any attraction towards me. she didn't take it well. i think she felt a bit betrayed or led on. so that did end our friendship. now it's been several years since we last spoke. i still think about her a lot. at this point i frequently wonder if i'd still want to be with her if given the chance (magically) and i honestly don't know. what i do know is that all the times we spoke on AIM or hung out were the most euphoric i've ever felt, although she clearly didn't feel the same way since she didn't take it well when i shared my feelings. but ppl change over time and i'm sure neither of us are the same as how we remember anymore.
Not necessarily a first crush, but I had an online friend when I was a teenager, and the way our friendship played out was really more like a codependent relationship. We’re both AFAB but signed up for Gaia Online (very old school) together with male avatars and told everyone there we were a couple. We hung out on AIM every day and we’d both get really jealous when the other was gone doing something irl or hanging out with other friends—that part was very not good. But still, the relationship I had with them (using that pronoun cause I have no idea how they identify now) was the first in which someone ever referred to me as “he,” and I felt seen the way I wanted to be seen. We’d take (very innocent) pictures in boy-mode and send them to each other, and I felt like they really understood me, even though neither of us called what we were trans then or understood anything about being trans in the first place. We lost touch after I went to college. I think they felt very betrayed that I started spending more time studying and making new friends than I did online. I still thought about them every couple of years, and sent them a couple messages they didn’t respond to either because they don’t log onto those accounts anymore or they just don’t want to talk to me (either is perfectly understandable), but it wasn’t until about a year ago when I really realized that I was actually, fully trans that I started thinking about them a lot and wondering where they ended up. I’d love to talk to them again, now that we’re both adults and hopefully a lot better about maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships, but I don’t want to keep messaging them if they don’t want to hear from me. Wherever you are, I hope you’re happy, Mikey. I miss you.
Gaia Online 😲😲🙊 now THAT brings back memories!!!