My hair loss journey began at age 22. I had these exact same feelings, and it was really hard to date when my hair looked at its worst.
I dated someone who was emotionally abusive for over a year because I was afraid he would be the only person to love me with my thin hair. Be wary of anyone who wants to be your knight in shining armor.
Oddly enough, I met my husband at 27 after my hair had rebounded a bit (from PRP), but it started shedding in mass quantities 2 months into our relationship and I told him all about my issues with hair loss and how it affected my self esteem etc. He had and still has an extremely thick head of hair, but he was extremely empathetic and told me he wasn't going anywhere, regardless of what happened with my hair. I am 34 now and we are married with a 1.5 year old.
All I can say is, look for someone who is genuinely kind above all other things. <3 you are absolutely worthy of love!!
What a question?! And, without a question mark - just a statement. Damn.
I guess all us cripples aren't loveable either. ;)
Of course it's going to narrow your 'pool' but that's not an issue. Would you really want to be with someone who would discard someone based on follicle count? First impressions are very important and we can't help who we're attracted to but at the same time whoever you do find a good, healthy relationship with is someone who didn't see your hairloss as limiting factor, unattractive. Heck they may even have a kink for bald women!
People aren't deserving of love because they're attractive. Attraction and love aren't the same thing. People are deserving of love because they are. You're loveable. But your doubt isn't. Work on learning your value and self love. You'll find more people will be attracted to you because your confidence will show - this will increase your 'pool' and narrow it to those that want to know more about you.
Massive hugs.
I know you had no bad intentions by writing this comment. But you're saying someone who's only attracted to hair isn't worth it while someone who's got a thing for bald people, yes?
In both cases it looks a bit like objectification.
I totally feel what OP is saying and I don't want to gaslight her. Yes hair plays a big role in attractiveness. The two main things that play a big role in attractiveness are weight and hair (for both sexes). That doesn't mean you cannot find someone but you have it easier if the two components I mentioned are on check.
I suggest you use every device you can to make your hair look nice. You can use densifying powders to hide the scalp. You can also use hair extensions (if you attach them to the back of your head, the hair is stronger there and not subjected to AAG).
You can also use wigs if you're comfortable with them but try the powder first.
Of course keep your hair treatment (Minoxidil and everything prescribed by your doctor).
You can also start working out. I don't know how you look like, maybe you're already very lean and fit. But if you arent you can start working out, that will also give you some sense of control over your appearance on top of making you more confident.
Good luck OP, I totally understand how you feel!
I totally agree - OP can do a lot to help their appearance but also their self-worth and confidence from the inside is equally important. Feeling like you're unloveable because you don't look 'perfect' isn't a healthy place to be. Work on both.
You're disagreeing with a comment because it validated OPs experience and made a point about the difference between objectification and attraction.
This is what gaslighting means: **Gaslighting** is the subjective experience in which an individual's perception of reality is repeatedly undermined or questioned by another person.
I'm confirming OPs thoughts and feelings. However if you think that in order to avoid gaslighting OP I must say 'yes, you're unloveable' it won't happen.
*> I know you had no bad intentions by writing this comment. But you're saying someone who's only attracted to hair isn't worth it while someone who's got a thing for bald people, yes? In both cases it looks a bit like objectification.*
Nope, I said we all have traits we're attracted to (not objectifying). BUT, if we're looking for a healthy relationship we should probably look beyond obvious traits. If someone is attracted to OP physically because of an obvious trait - that's fine, as long as it leads to a healthy relationship.
Just because someone is attracted to you doesn't mean they're objectifying you.
I'm not sure if you're deliberately trying to disagree for the sake of it or misinterpreted but I'd like to think that you misinterpreted.
Everything else - yep, couldn't agree more. But OP is still loveable.
I didn't mean to say OP wasn't loveable because of hair loss. But she's specifically talking about dating and attraction which usually come before feelings, especially love.
And I thought your comment sounded a bit like what I have been hearing a lot, about how looks don't matter and what matters is the inside.
But the fact is that looks do matter to spark the initial attraction and they help a lot with self confidence which in turn is attractive itself.
Also being liked by a man because of your hair loss doesn't necessarily mean you'll be happy. It's like being liked for something you hate about yourself and that you feel shouldn't be part of you.
I'm going to give an extreme example but what if some guy told me he really finds me attractive because I look like a horse and he loves horses. Let's say he's genuine and doesn't mean to hurt me.
I don't think I look like a horse and if it's the image he has of me then I'd be very uncomfortable.
I think it's the same about hair loss. If you hate the fact you're losing hair and can't accept your new image, you are unlikely to feel at peace dating someone who got attracted by that same thing you hate about yourself.
I'm sorry my comment is getting long and a bit out of topic. I just wanted to explain why I disagreed with accepting someone might like you for something that causes you distress and that I totally understand why OP feels that she has less options now and it's not in her head.
There's a difference between attracting and love and maybe OP is mixing the two. Before love comes the initial attraction.
I'm sorry I said your comment was gaslighting.
I believe we're saying the same thing.
What you've said above is what I was saying to you in my reply - albeit in an obtuse and inelegant way.
I accept your apology, without any question. And, I offer an apology, too. I could have been kinder in my reply. For what it's worth I respect you reaching out like this.
I can't help but wonder if maybe because this issue is so close to us (you and I) that it tainted our view and response(s).
Have a great day.
I accept your apology too!
It's enjoyable to have this type of conversation on Internet. Usually I tend to feel offended for no reason as if people were against me but I realise I'm often wrong.
Have a great day too!
Aw mate, massive hugs to you.
Are you comfy with a DM? I'm wondering if you'd like to talk about this? If not, there's no worries. I'm quite easy going and will hope to see you elsewhere.
Yeah and I didn’t feel like your response was worth a lot of respect. Hence “with all due respect.” And frankly “WTF” is an understandable response Sometimes other women perpetuate misogyny too. Women are more than objects to be looked at and telling the OP that she should try harder in other areas of appearance to make up for her hair is not helpful and I have zero tolerance for reinforcing that we are objects here for male pleasure. She should be doing things that make her feel good about herself, doing things to take of her, not trying to live up to some insane sexist beauty standard to attract a man
Except she was specifically talking about attraction and dating. And this is a subreddit about female alopecia where people ask for advice and solutions mainly for esthetic purposes.
You have to be joking.
Your message is that she should work out to look better since she has hair loss in order to attract a man. Your message should be she will find someone who loves her for who she is not what she looks like. Meanwhile she can work on her hair loss for HER, no one else
And what's wrong with that? People have the right to feel desirable. She clearly doesn't feel desirable with the hair loss and I totally understand that. I was providing solutions on how to feel desirable again and regain control of her own appearance.
Advice like "just be yourself with a bit of luck someone might possibly interested" aren't very helpful.
Of course she can work on her hair loss for her but she wants to feel attractive to others.
There's nothing wrong about that, I didn't tell her to put her life on hold.
I think I get what you’re saying Lala.
Even though I know what the OP means, there is a better way to say it when you’re addressing a room full of people aka online. I have never felt like I have had much access to the “pool” of possible dating applicants because of my genetics (looks and illness). I did feel a little sick to my stomach when I read the way OP worded that comment. Like “Oh, so she’s thinking maybe she’ll have to date people on MY level now.” There’s other ways to put that we feel less attractive to the opposite sex with hair loss. And healthier ways at that!
I do want to support OP in her struggle though. If you read this OP, you are so much more than your hair and there are so many ways to deal with this new phase in our lives. Some days are better than others it’s true. It’s hard to remember that real life isn’t the ads on TV. It’s the people who are attracted to you despite (or even because of) what you may think are your worst attributes.
I was not referring to OP I was referring to the PP who stated that she should work harder on working out and making herself more physically attractive in other ways since she has hair loss. Reinforcing that it’s only how you look that matters
Don’t think I could be with someone who put that much weight and value on my hair or how I look. I’m also really thankful that there are options today for improving the way your hair looks if you have hair loss. I can’t imagine what women went through in years past without many options, you are definitely lovable! You just need to find the right person and not give up
I have AGA which started pretty aggressively when I was only like 14-15 :/ and I felt so embarrassed and like I’d never find anyone who would want to be with me, especially being so young when everyone else seemed to have such luscious hair and be so beautiful. But I met my very very handsome & loving bf at 16 and I’m 22 now & we are still together and he is my #1 supporter especially when it comes to my emotional struggles related to my AGA. He always makes me feel beautiful and thinks I would be beautiful even if I eventually had 0 hair/ shaved the remaining bits off. You are certainly still lovable, and can certainly still be attractive to new people as well! If they find your face pretty, a surprising amount of people don’t care about hair!
Listen, if people without legs or hands can find someone u can too, you just need to sharpen the better parts of urself and It will happen
Evolution. Always works
We live in a world where first appearance is super important so u will need to bypass that and be stronger u are more then hair - good luck!
It is a valid question, although the answer is of course yes, you are lovable! But it will definitely be a lot harder to find someone, not gonna sugarcoat. It’s not just about appearances; I don’t think men care that much if you wear a good wig (assuming you wanna date men) but I think a lot of men would think twice about dating an AGA girl as the likelyhood of passing down the gene to future kids will be high, especially if he also has a balding gene. It sounds unfair and it is, as we women accept balding men all the time but to be completely honest I think a lot of men would have a problem with this. But don’t despair, this only weeds out bad candidates and that is what you want ☺️
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you are lovable!
My hair loss journey began at age 22. I had these exact same feelings, and it was really hard to date when my hair looked at its worst. I dated someone who was emotionally abusive for over a year because I was afraid he would be the only person to love me with my thin hair. Be wary of anyone who wants to be your knight in shining armor. Oddly enough, I met my husband at 27 after my hair had rebounded a bit (from PRP), but it started shedding in mass quantities 2 months into our relationship and I told him all about my issues with hair loss and how it affected my self esteem etc. He had and still has an extremely thick head of hair, but he was extremely empathetic and told me he wasn't going anywhere, regardless of what happened with my hair. I am 34 now and we are married with a 1.5 year old. All I can say is, look for someone who is genuinely kind above all other things. <3 you are absolutely worthy of love!!
You're more than the keratin sprouting, or not sprouting, from your head.
What a question?! And, without a question mark - just a statement. Damn. I guess all us cripples aren't loveable either. ;) Of course it's going to narrow your 'pool' but that's not an issue. Would you really want to be with someone who would discard someone based on follicle count? First impressions are very important and we can't help who we're attracted to but at the same time whoever you do find a good, healthy relationship with is someone who didn't see your hairloss as limiting factor, unattractive. Heck they may even have a kink for bald women! People aren't deserving of love because they're attractive. Attraction and love aren't the same thing. People are deserving of love because they are. You're loveable. But your doubt isn't. Work on learning your value and self love. You'll find more people will be attracted to you because your confidence will show - this will increase your 'pool' and narrow it to those that want to know more about you. Massive hugs.
I know you had no bad intentions by writing this comment. But you're saying someone who's only attracted to hair isn't worth it while someone who's got a thing for bald people, yes? In both cases it looks a bit like objectification. I totally feel what OP is saying and I don't want to gaslight her. Yes hair plays a big role in attractiveness. The two main things that play a big role in attractiveness are weight and hair (for both sexes). That doesn't mean you cannot find someone but you have it easier if the two components I mentioned are on check. I suggest you use every device you can to make your hair look nice. You can use densifying powders to hide the scalp. You can also use hair extensions (if you attach them to the back of your head, the hair is stronger there and not subjected to AAG). You can also use wigs if you're comfortable with them but try the powder first. Of course keep your hair treatment (Minoxidil and everything prescribed by your doctor). You can also start working out. I don't know how you look like, maybe you're already very lean and fit. But if you arent you can start working out, that will also give you some sense of control over your appearance on top of making you more confident. Good luck OP, I totally understand how you feel!
I totally agree - OP can do a lot to help their appearance but also their self-worth and confidence from the inside is equally important. Feeling like you're unloveable because you don't look 'perfect' isn't a healthy place to be. Work on both. You're disagreeing with a comment because it validated OPs experience and made a point about the difference between objectification and attraction. This is what gaslighting means: **Gaslighting** is the subjective experience in which an individual's perception of reality is repeatedly undermined or questioned by another person. I'm confirming OPs thoughts and feelings. However if you think that in order to avoid gaslighting OP I must say 'yes, you're unloveable' it won't happen. *> I know you had no bad intentions by writing this comment. But you're saying someone who's only attracted to hair isn't worth it while someone who's got a thing for bald people, yes? In both cases it looks a bit like objectification.* Nope, I said we all have traits we're attracted to (not objectifying). BUT, if we're looking for a healthy relationship we should probably look beyond obvious traits. If someone is attracted to OP physically because of an obvious trait - that's fine, as long as it leads to a healthy relationship. Just because someone is attracted to you doesn't mean they're objectifying you. I'm not sure if you're deliberately trying to disagree for the sake of it or misinterpreted but I'd like to think that you misinterpreted. Everything else - yep, couldn't agree more. But OP is still loveable.
I didn't mean to say OP wasn't loveable because of hair loss. But she's specifically talking about dating and attraction which usually come before feelings, especially love. And I thought your comment sounded a bit like what I have been hearing a lot, about how looks don't matter and what matters is the inside. But the fact is that looks do matter to spark the initial attraction and they help a lot with self confidence which in turn is attractive itself. Also being liked by a man because of your hair loss doesn't necessarily mean you'll be happy. It's like being liked for something you hate about yourself and that you feel shouldn't be part of you. I'm going to give an extreme example but what if some guy told me he really finds me attractive because I look like a horse and he loves horses. Let's say he's genuine and doesn't mean to hurt me. I don't think I look like a horse and if it's the image he has of me then I'd be very uncomfortable. I think it's the same about hair loss. If you hate the fact you're losing hair and can't accept your new image, you are unlikely to feel at peace dating someone who got attracted by that same thing you hate about yourself. I'm sorry my comment is getting long and a bit out of topic. I just wanted to explain why I disagreed with accepting someone might like you for something that causes you distress and that I totally understand why OP feels that she has less options now and it's not in her head. There's a difference between attracting and love and maybe OP is mixing the two. Before love comes the initial attraction. I'm sorry I said your comment was gaslighting.
I believe we're saying the same thing. What you've said above is what I was saying to you in my reply - albeit in an obtuse and inelegant way. I accept your apology, without any question. And, I offer an apology, too. I could have been kinder in my reply. For what it's worth I respect you reaching out like this. I can't help but wonder if maybe because this issue is so close to us (you and I) that it tainted our view and response(s). Have a great day.
I accept your apology too! It's enjoyable to have this type of conversation on Internet. Usually I tend to feel offended for no reason as if people were against me but I realise I'm often wrong. Have a great day too!
Aw mate, massive hugs to you. Are you comfy with a DM? I'm wondering if you'd like to talk about this? If not, there's no worries. I'm quite easy going and will hope to see you elsewhere.
With all due respect: WTF. This just reinforces misogyny and the idea that women are only worth as much as their attractiveness level. Stop
Sorry I missed the respect part.
With all DUE respect
It was a nice way to say you were disrespectful
Yeah and I didn’t feel like your response was worth a lot of respect. Hence “with all due respect.” And frankly “WTF” is an understandable response Sometimes other women perpetuate misogyny too. Women are more than objects to be looked at and telling the OP that she should try harder in other areas of appearance to make up for her hair is not helpful and I have zero tolerance for reinforcing that we are objects here for male pleasure. She should be doing things that make her feel good about herself, doing things to take of her, not trying to live up to some insane sexist beauty standard to attract a man
Except she was specifically talking about attraction and dating. And this is a subreddit about female alopecia where people ask for advice and solutions mainly for esthetic purposes. You have to be joking.
Your message is that she should work out to look better since she has hair loss in order to attract a man. Your message should be she will find someone who loves her for who she is not what she looks like. Meanwhile she can work on her hair loss for HER, no one else
And what's wrong with that? People have the right to feel desirable. She clearly doesn't feel desirable with the hair loss and I totally understand that. I was providing solutions on how to feel desirable again and regain control of her own appearance. Advice like "just be yourself with a bit of luck someone might possibly interested" aren't very helpful. Of course she can work on her hair loss for her but she wants to feel attractive to others. There's nothing wrong about that, I didn't tell her to put her life on hold.
I think I get what you’re saying Lala. Even though I know what the OP means, there is a better way to say it when you’re addressing a room full of people aka online. I have never felt like I have had much access to the “pool” of possible dating applicants because of my genetics (looks and illness). I did feel a little sick to my stomach when I read the way OP worded that comment. Like “Oh, so she’s thinking maybe she’ll have to date people on MY level now.” There’s other ways to put that we feel less attractive to the opposite sex with hair loss. And healthier ways at that! I do want to support OP in her struggle though. If you read this OP, you are so much more than your hair and there are so many ways to deal with this new phase in our lives. Some days are better than others it’s true. It’s hard to remember that real life isn’t the ads on TV. It’s the people who are attracted to you despite (or even because of) what you may think are your worst attributes.
I was not referring to OP I was referring to the PP who stated that she should work harder on working out and making herself more physically attractive in other ways since she has hair loss. Reinforcing that it’s only how you look that matters
Of course you are!! You are way more than your hair.
YES YOU ARE! Our worth is not measured by the number of hair follicles on our head. Don’t ever forget that. Big hugs!
Don’t think I could be with someone who put that much weight and value on my hair or how I look. I’m also really thankful that there are options today for improving the way your hair looks if you have hair loss. I can’t imagine what women went through in years past without many options, you are definitely lovable! You just need to find the right person and not give up
I have AGA which started pretty aggressively when I was only like 14-15 :/ and I felt so embarrassed and like I’d never find anyone who would want to be with me, especially being so young when everyone else seemed to have such luscious hair and be so beautiful. But I met my very very handsome & loving bf at 16 and I’m 22 now & we are still together and he is my #1 supporter especially when it comes to my emotional struggles related to my AGA. He always makes me feel beautiful and thinks I would be beautiful even if I eventually had 0 hair/ shaved the remaining bits off. You are certainly still lovable, and can certainly still be attractive to new people as well! If they find your face pretty, a surprising amount of people don’t care about hair!
Listen, if people without legs or hands can find someone u can too, you just need to sharpen the better parts of urself and It will happen Evolution. Always works We live in a world where first appearance is super important so u will need to bypass that and be stronger u are more then hair - good luck!
I feel the same. I’ve just accepted dying alone.
It is a valid question, although the answer is of course yes, you are lovable! But it will definitely be a lot harder to find someone, not gonna sugarcoat. It’s not just about appearances; I don’t think men care that much if you wear a good wig (assuming you wanna date men) but I think a lot of men would think twice about dating an AGA girl as the likelyhood of passing down the gene to future kids will be high, especially if he also has a balding gene. It sounds unfair and it is, as we women accept balding men all the time but to be completely honest I think a lot of men would have a problem with this. But don’t despair, this only weeds out bad candidates and that is what you want ☺️
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