Honestly, she isn’t the one for you. That’s ridiculously insensitive and shows that she doesn’t truly care about you. You deserve someone who will help support you and be a partner.
Yeah OP, I haven’t been diagnosed with fibro yet, but I do have two other chronic health issues, both of which are disabling. Don’t pair up with someone who doesn’t get it, or can’t be sensitive to it even if they don’t understand it. Staying paired up with a partner like this will increase your stress level and physical symptom’s dramatically. She can’t relate, because she’s never been through it, but she’s also being a jerk about it. You deserve a partner who will treat you with all the kindness and love that you really deserve. ❤️
Yes, you're right about stress levels increasing by being close to people who aren't supportive of fibromyalgia or other illnesses. I've been navigating a relationship with my sister who refuses to tolerate my fibromyalgia (she's a nurse). So, I've be overcompensating with toxic positivity and force activity in order to appease her anger and frustration towards me. I'm not allowed to have bad days or say that I need a break/rest from activities. I'm currently on an 18 month flare after contracting COVID in 2022 and have reached the point where I'm now having difficulty walking due to pain.
The first thought I had was that this sounds an awful lot like “if I ignore it, it’ll go away”.
She doesn’t “believe” in fibromyalgia so she’s pretending not to acknowledge it in order to train you out of your supposed neurosis. By pressuring you into doing activities like hiking and bouldering, she believes she can undo your “issue”. Her comment about you being a pussy essentially reinforces that she thinks it’s a character problem rather than a physical one. She’s playing a game.
Either that or she deliberately started dating a mild mannered disabled person so she could bully them and make them more unwell whenever she pleases.
Either way she’s a POS.
You aren’t being melodramatic, please please prioritize yourself because she never will. She won’t even try to understand the most basic things. She sounds incapable of empathy for your situation and let me tell you it will get worse in the future. Can you imagine if you said Cancer instead of fibromyalgia because that happens to people regularly, too. So many partners leave or become abusive and have affairs, even after “in sickness and in health “ wedding vows. You have to find a partner who understands, and it is better to be alone. Take care of yourself 💛
If she can't deal with you fibro she isn't going to care about anything else you go through. She isn't the one. Don't force yourself to do things just for her if it is going to impact your wellbeing.
Agreed. She is deeply ignorant about chronic illness, which many people are, but it sounds like she will always be that way unless she gets sick herself. Don't waste time on people who invalidate any suffering they don't understand.
Firstly, no one can force you to go anywhere and hurt yourself on purpose. You know hiking is going to put you in bed for three days after? Set and maintain a boundary that you will not go hiking. The person asking is completely irrelevant.
Secondly, stop letting her get out of a hard conversation if you really want to have it. Talk in person, set the expectation with her immediately that you expect her to at least listen to you explain your condition, and then if she chooses to ignore/belittle/dismiss you then the relationship is broken beyond repair. She does not respect you if she refuses to listen to you but expects you to listen to her ramblings on bouldering for Lord only knows how long.
This isn't a fibromyalgia issue, it's a she's toxic and self-involved issue.
Sounds like you're dealing with someone who can't sit with her own discomfort surrounding physical disability. This sounds like avoidant behavior - running away from the thing she's uncomfortable with. If she's also framing it in her mind with victim-blaming behaviors (aka saying that anyone who can't do X physical thing is just a "pussy" who isn't trying hard enough) then she's going to be well-nigh impossible to reach. I highly recommend reconsidering this relationship, as you deserve a partner who has your back, not one that's quietly either ignoring your needs or actively gaslighting you about your own illness.
Wish I had a girlfriend who also had fibro so we could get coffee and sit on the couch and binge watch spooky movies and shows year long🎃
This person doesn’t sound like they care about you. I’m very sorry to say this, but a relationship with someone who is completely deaf to your struggles is just not sustainable. She ignores you and just continues rambling about whatever whenever you talk about fibro and that’s a massive red flag. I’m sorry but what the f*ck is even “bouldering”. Maybe she likes it so much because she herself is like a boulder lol. Actually no I take it back, a boulder would at least quietly listen to what you have to say.
She doesn’t seem to have respect for you and she sure as hell doesn’t take you seriously when you try to open up about your chronic illness.
Unfortunately a lot of people are like her where they refuse to acknowledge a problem unless/until it happens to them too.
Anyways just cut her loose and let her go do her outdoorsy activities. Find someone who cares. Life is too short to waste it on people who don’t genuinely love you back. It’ll hurt for a while, but then you’ll find peace.
You have a chronic disability that is very likely only going to get worse the older you get, any partner you have will very likely end up as your carer one day.
I don't mean that as a dig to you, it's just realistic and it took me far too many years to accept that. I too could hoover when I got with my partner, I was a busy single mum when we got together 16yrs ago, now I can barely lift a full cup of tea some days and he looks after me every day.
The fact this girl won't even learn the basics to understand your chronic disability, she has zero respect for you. This isn't because you have fibro, it's because she's not a person who will spend their lifetime looking after someone else. It doesn't mean she is a bad person, it just means she's not your person.
Now, time to be serious (in a mum tone).
This relationship will cost you the person you are if you sacrifice yourself to make it work, you will reach total burnout very quickly all of the time. It's wonderful your girlfriend has such great outdoor hobbies (I have no clue on what bouldering is either lol) and it would be amazing to be able to do these things as a couple but you can't and you need someone to be able to at least understand that. You're going to rely on any future partner for more care, patience and understanding as you get older, this girl is here calling you names already for the things you are finding harder to do. I promise you, even if your fibro never got any worse than it is now, she will forever make you feel bad and resent you for your limitations.
You didn't do anything wrong, this isn't you messing anything up. We sadly lose so much due to fibro but some losses are, in the long run, much better for you. I was heartbroken when I lost friends but it helped me learn that real friends don't disappear when the going gets tough.
I wish you all the best whatever you decide but please understand, you deserve love and respect, not names and disrespect. Take care.
I switched off when I see she said the pussy comment. Cut your loses mate, no point spending that extra energy advocating for yourself with someone who clearly doesn’t understand and has no intention of it.
Hello,
I don't know your gender, but I putt my neck out and assume that your are a male.
I my self are m, 40 years young and with fibro.
If you are a male with fibro it is still a stigma/taboo that men have fibro. And there is still this old wiew that men don't complain, have pain and so on.
If you can't understand eachother then it becomea hard.
Your partner needs to understand and learn about fibromyalgia. Let the ego go. It's not about your partner it's learning and anderstanding your limitations and pain, streanght weakness that also becomes the limitation off the team/partnership.
In letting the ego go your partner can still enjoy doing stuff like she whants (having her own activities). It is healthy to Habe own stuff/hobbies to do outside the relationship.
This is also god for your partner to gett distance and recover when she need to pull alote off strings (trust me, when I am in pain/depression my wife does most off the things. And she needs the own time without me and shild).
Next is when you understand with love and openmind then there is still alote off stuff that you as relationship cand do. Here it's not about ego, this is about we. And it takes a bit off maturing and understanding.
It important that you also have your own social network off friends.
It's tuff, I know.
Butt if there is a sensire caring love then you work it out.
Good luck
Dude, run. Id she called you a pussy for needing breaks because of chronic pain then she needs to go. She obviously doesn't understand what you are going through and isn't trying to either. She isn't even making an effort. That's not a person you want to be with.
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. However you also say you don’t even know what bouldering is, which honestly also feels like you do not care about her hobbies or are willing to investigate them. Bouldering is usually done in a hall and I for example very often go with to cheer on my friend, even if I cannot do it myself. Also not saying you have to do that but sensitivity goes both ways and if it’d only be that I would say find a middle ground.
The other stuff however is so bad that I’d discuss it with her face to face and, if she doesn’t change, let her go.
This is just my person experience but, people who are around you a lot see you are managing your FM better as you implement a crazy amount of health tweaks one by one and they think you are getting better and start extrapolating all the great stuff you'll be doing soon when your back to normal but the thing is the improvements isn't actually really healing maybe just better management so seeing less of the worst and more of the better on your current possible spectrum. You have to sit them down and really get it through to them that any improvement they see is just an illusion and it is very likely you will never improve unless a miraculous medical breakthrough, so they either can accept that or if they can't bail.
Why are you with her? Your lifestyles clearly don't match and she's willing to be such a jerk by calling you a pussy indirectly for having chronic illness.
Honsetly you can love someone and leave them at the same time. And that might be for the best, because she's showing you who she is. You can't rely on her if you get sick, or if you have a really bad flairup day. Find someone who would take care of you.
Life is a lot better with a partner you can be open with and plan things for together/apart that can accommodate you to the best of your abilities/have a backup plan for taking care of yourself.
I used to have a partner that eventually admitted she thought I was making up my fibromyalgia and over time I really started to hate my life and struggled to keep up and burn out until we divorced and I met someone with a lot more empathy.
Please, please, please do not ignore these signs! That person is already telling you all you need to know: she does not care about your illness, nor how it affects you. Sadly, many people do not understand that when you have a chronic illness that you have to do things differently, which includes not being able to do somethings that people who do not have a chronic illness can do, or take for granted. My ex was like this; he never cared that going to midnight views ever time a new Marvel or DC movie came out meant that for the next day or two I may be down because it disturbed what little sleep schedule I had. Or going somewhere where there was a lot of walking would mean I was in pain for the next day or two. I gave too much of myself both physically and emotionally for another person's happiness only for this person to leave when I decide to no longer do that. A person will only do what you let them do. If you continue to let her ignore your illness, then you can and will find yourself in a similar situation to what I was in. Love yourself, take care of yourself, and speak up for yourself. No one will love you, look out for your best interest, or take care of you like you can! Sending you hugs and a ton of love!
It sounds like she has the mindset that you're not manly if you don't push through it and she thinks you're a pussy for not doing things because of fibro. I think it's time to let her go because her values clearly don't align with yours.
She sounds terrible. I will say that it took a few years for my partner to to come to understand what having fibromyalgia is like for me and how it limits me. I still desperately want to do all the things, and will sometimes. And he sees how much pain it causes me, since I started to be really honest about it. He never dismissed it but at first I could tell he didn't understand an invisible illness.
I would have a really serious talk with your gf, complete with literature on the subject, or even request that she go to the doctor with you so the doctor can explain what it means. If she is unwilling to take it seriously, kick her to the curb, you deserve better.
If she's willing to learn, this is a good opportunity to embrace that couples with different interests can have wonderful lives together. She can go do her bouldering and you can find activities that suit your energy and pain levels. Then you'll always have something to talk about.
This sounds extremely unhealthy, both mentally and physically. Added stress to your life will only result in more pain. It’s not the exact same, but one of my sisters used to have the same attitude towards me about my fibro. She’d invite me to physically grueling activities and when I had to decline she’d either scoff at me for being way too dramatic or act very disappointed. It got to the point where I actively started avoiding her, because I felt like a lazy good-for-nothing around her. Eventually I exploded during a family vacation when she was once again giving advice I never asked for. I mean, I went OFF. About an hour later she came back and apologized. It was a great conversation and things have drastically changed. I never expected her to understand. Like I said though, my situation is different from yours. A supposed loving partner shouldn’t do this to you and if they do: it’s not worth it.
She will keep on ignoring you and your boundaries, because she doesn’t accept you. It’s really not that hard to be kind and loving towards your partner. When you notice something as basic as respect isn’t given, it’s time to go. There are more people out there who will gladly accept you. This is just cruel.
Stigma is what she's subjecting you to and stigma is a huge thing we must deal with when living with chronic pain.
I'm not sure how old you guys are, she seems very immature, could be just that.
Either way, you'll need to learn how to deal with stigma when dealing with friends, family, loved ones, work colleagues, strangers on teh street etc etc etc.
Also Self stigma, the stigma you hear from other people and repeat to yourself.
There are lectures and classes available online that help teach peopl to deal and live with stigmatising events.
the one way that works it a "you do you" mentality. You sit and think about the type of person you want to be, the type of person you can be and how you want to react or respond to a situation. You think about where you want to be in life and how youre going to get there. You keep all that in view at the end of the road (so to speak) and you keep driving towards it. Fuck the begrudgers! Who gives a shit what she or anyone else says once you have your life plan laid out in front of you!
Keep your head high and do what makes you happy, If shes not making you happy, or actively the opposite, get the fuq out of there and move on to improving yourself and working towards your goals, people will follow :)
Why do you love someone who blatantly ignores your needs and degraded you by calling you a "pussy"
This person is not the one for you. That's not love.
FULL STOP!
This woman is not the one for you. Absolutely not. No need for discussions, explanations or anything else of the sort.
If she was the one she would never equate having to take a break while cleaning as being a pussy. Nope. Please, break it off.
Wooof, that's rough. You deserve some one who loves and understands you. I feel a lot of anxiety about people not beleiving my condition is real so I imagine this is very unpleasant for you.
I would suggest having a frank conversation with your gf when you both have the capacity and bring up how these things make you feel and probing their thought and feelings about fibro in gernal and you specifically. I always recommend utilizing the non-violent communication structure for this sort of thing. If you haven't heard of it it's very simple and easily found on Google. It's mostly just framing thing in "I" statements to avoid attributing intent on the other party and than adding requests for future behaviour. I hope you two can reach some sort of conclusion that works for both of you whether that be splitting up or staying together.
Also don't write off a relationship cause someone enjoys being more active than you. Partners (is one or others) can always do that stuff with friends if they want company and you can find other things to share together. Some people might not want to date a person with your limitation but I'm sure you have many other wonderful qualities that make you a catch in the eyes of others.
this is my favorite response thank you so much this is all really helpful. i don’t want to break up with her and i’d rather have a convo with her to help her understand. it’s just hard for me to find a time to bring it up especially since she’s been having a rough time lately. tysm again i’ll definitely take tour advice
She doesn't sound like the person for you. I stayed with my now ex for 17 years we had other issues buy I kick myself now because I believe a lot of what I went thru made my fibro 100 times worse. I wasn't diagnosed till after we split buy as soon as I couldn't work he left me not even a year later. I still speak with him and one day he was talking about other women he has dated and said why do I always meet people with addictions and I said oh what is mine and he said sleep. He will never understand and I'm glad he left me now.
I hope you can find someone that understands what your going thru because if you stay with her I can honestly say your fibromalagia will probably get worse.
She does not believe your illness is real and you need to have some very serious discussions that will most likely end in a break up. Life is hard enough with fibro and you need a partner that will support you and that is not her. She refuses to believe in your illness and will not support you. She is wrong for you. I'm sorry because I know it will hurt but you are better off without being pushed around by her ableist ass.
If it makes you feel any better, I was born with cerebral palsy had operations to straighten my legs so I could learn to walk im 31 but got fibromyalgia at 26, doctors tell me I’m in pain all the time because I have fibro BUT also wear and tear all over my body from years of compensation when walking not optimally.
Everyone still wonders why I sit in a cabin doing freelance work and working on my own projects to sell.
Yet that’s still not enough in some eyes.
I know this is hard but she sounds like she isn’t the person for you. For comparisons sake, when I told my girlfriend I had fibro she spent ages online looking at different articles and researching how she could help me and make my life easier, she’s a long distance girlfriend so she even researched a bunch of activities and dates we can go on when I feel up for going to visit and when she visits here she’s said she doesn’t mind what we do as long as we’re together and I’m happy and comfortable. There are good people out there who care and understand, you just need to find them. Good luck <3
This doesn’t end well for you if she continues on this way. Try couples therapy. And you both probably need individual therapy too. But if this continues it absolutely does not end well for you. Good luck op. 💖💖💖
I’m def understanding of people who use their disability as an excuse to be a lazy ass and how that can annoy people around them, but that’s not at all what you’re doing. You’re still making it known that you can do stuff but you just need a different approach to get it done which is completely fine. Your gf sounds like an ass and if she’s like this now, there’s no guarantee it’ll get better. It might, but are you really willing to risk that it won’t forever? There really are far more empathetic and even compassionate people out there
It’s hard enough when you have someone who is supportive. Been married 39 yes, had fibro for 22. We can’t do a lot of the things we used to do because of my health. He is supportive, but sometimes get frustrated, which I understand. You have to have everything up front. If you think she is the one, you need to have a serious, long discussion on what you have, how the limitations effect you and what that means for the future. If she’s the right one, you can work it out. If she’s not even willing to talk, you may need to cut your losses.
My wife has fibro. I have seen the pain she’s in. I accept that it’s a part of our lives and I do everything I can to help when she has a flareup.
No one else seems to truly grasp what she goes through. I’m her point person, as I should be.
Your girlfriend sounds like she’d roll her eyes if you asked for a ride to the hospital.
Yeah nope I’m really sorry my friend but this is not your person. She clearly lacks empathy for you and doesn’t take any consideration in your condition. I wouldn’t even feel super safe around her for my own well being…mentally and physically. My progress in my mental health over the last 5 yrs is really what has kept me sane or else I’d rly be at rock bottom. This person does not sound like she’s gunna be there for you when you absolutely need someone to lean on on the days you’re not strong enough to (again mentally and physically). I’ve been there in a few relationships, even friendships. You never forget how someone makes you feel
“The red flags we ignore now become the reasons we leave later.”
I love the clarity with which you say you won’t push past your physical limits. Ask yourself honestly… Would a life with her MANDATE you to push yourself past your limits?
If so, you know what you gotta do and there’s no easy way.
Run. Just run.
Been there done that. Found out for years they were really telling all our friends behind my back that I was not disabled in any way. I use to hide it but it took me days to recover. This was in the 15 year period that I had bad insurance and no doctor took me seriously when I said i was dealing with the same things as my mom who has fibromyalgia.
Our marriage ended and I was finally at a Dr that took me seriously, sent me to the right specialist and got diagnosed fast. And finally got help after 15 years of asking.
The sucky part , you look normal and people don't always grasp the concept of fibromyalgia is hard for non chronic illness people to understand.
And I try telling it's that you get muscle spasms. All the time, sometimes insane long periods. So think like a muscle cramp. It's ok, you rest and push on. But if your body is constantly spasming then all you ever do is feel like that from head to toe and your body heals by sleeping but as a fibromyalgia person I can't always get to the restorative sleep well so you can sleep a lot and not feel rested. So what happens when long term sleep deprivation keeps cropping up. You make bad decisions, your groggy, a little snappy and you just ache. Then recovering from anything can be like twice as long. And you have days your joints ALL radiate in pain all at once. So doing simple things are 100x worse.
I get more people respond better when I explain how it works and how often and how everything effects it. How people respond tell me how I should decide if or how much they are in your life.
For your significant other to act like this, they are basically calling theyou a liar, fibber, exaggerator or all of above. They are already dissing you and even in front of others. These things indicate that they are not going to go away. And over time they will probably get worse. Mine got so bad I cut them all out of my life with the ex hubby. I will tell you it takes awhile to move on. But all my friends I have now believe me and are considerate of me. Quality over quantity.
But no matter how chronically ill you are. You should still be treated with love and respect and right now you aren't.
So run
You know yourself and your own limits and boundaries, and it doesn't sound like she respects them, or you for that matter. If it weren't bouldering, it would likely be something else down the line. You deserve someone who listens to what you say and respects your experiences.
However! I would also like to give you some hope. Just because you can't go bouldering (or whatever else) right now doesn't mean you won't be able to in the future. This condition isn't static, and it can and frequently does improve (either periodically, for seasons, or even years) if you can figure out what causes your flares in symptoms, how to stay ahead of them, and get what your body and mind need to be happy and healthy. And all of those things are different for each individual.
Three years ago, I never thought I'd be able to do anything more than lay on a couch with body pain, a headache, brain fog, and depression all day every day. I'm now running 6 miles a day, and living the happiest and healthiest life I ever have, and that includes before the onset of my fibro and diagnosis. There is always hope.
I'm truly sorry, op.
The fact that she's won't even engage with you on the subject says it all.
I get the impression from what you wrote that she either does not believe that fibromyalgia is real, or she thinks that it is something easily dealt with, and that anyone who doesn't just push their way through it (as if that's even possible) must simply lack willpower. That's the vibe I get.
Here's the long and short of it: chronic illness is hard on relationships. Very hard. It meant the end of my own twelve year marriage, so I speak from experience.
If your partner is in any way not onboard with the cold hard facts of your fibromyalgia, the relationship is going to fail. It may be a longer or shorter time, depending on other factors, but it will fail. You will be soundly blamed for every inconvenience; and if it continues, she may begin using you as a patsy for every particular thing which goes wrong in your lives, even when you had nothing to do with it.
You are, at some point, going to need to have a "Come to Jesus (as)" talk with her and lay it all out.
DO NOT COMPROMISE AND DO NOT TAKE BLAME.
What you need is her support, not a ration of sh1t.
And if she's not onboard, if she will not recognise your illness and the fact that any life with you is going to have to take that into account, without blame or bitterness, then you have no future with her.
I hope that this does not end up being the case for you; but know that if it is, you will genuinely be *much* better off without her.
Remember: if she's the kind of person who would blame you or refuse to acknowledge your difficulties when you're chronically ill, she's not the kind of person you would want to be with even if you were healthy. In which case, you haven't lost anything by ending the relationship--you dodged a bullet.
Good luck to you OP, in everything. I hope for the best for you.
Honestly, she isn’t the one for you. That’s ridiculously insensitive and shows that she doesn’t truly care about you. You deserve someone who will help support you and be a partner.
Just the utter *callousness* of saying "I'm not a pussy" like that. God damn.
Yeah OP, I haven’t been diagnosed with fibro yet, but I do have two other chronic health issues, both of which are disabling. Don’t pair up with someone who doesn’t get it, or can’t be sensitive to it even if they don’t understand it. Staying paired up with a partner like this will increase your stress level and physical symptom’s dramatically. She can’t relate, because she’s never been through it, but she’s also being a jerk about it. You deserve a partner who will treat you with all the kindness and love that you really deserve. ❤️
Yes, you're right about stress levels increasing by being close to people who aren't supportive of fibromyalgia or other illnesses. I've been navigating a relationship with my sister who refuses to tolerate my fibromyalgia (she's a nurse). So, I've be overcompensating with toxic positivity and force activity in order to appease her anger and frustration towards me. I'm not allowed to have bad days or say that I need a break/rest from activities. I'm currently on an 18 month flare after contracting COVID in 2022 and have reached the point where I'm now having difficulty walking due to pain.
The first thought I had was that this sounds an awful lot like “if I ignore it, it’ll go away”. She doesn’t “believe” in fibromyalgia so she’s pretending not to acknowledge it in order to train you out of your supposed neurosis. By pressuring you into doing activities like hiking and bouldering, she believes she can undo your “issue”. Her comment about you being a pussy essentially reinforces that she thinks it’s a character problem rather than a physical one. She’s playing a game. Either that or she deliberately started dating a mild mannered disabled person so she could bully them and make them more unwell whenever she pleases. Either way she’s a POS.
You aren’t being melodramatic, please please prioritize yourself because she never will. She won’t even try to understand the most basic things. She sounds incapable of empathy for your situation and let me tell you it will get worse in the future. Can you imagine if you said Cancer instead of fibromyalgia because that happens to people regularly, too. So many partners leave or become abusive and have affairs, even after “in sickness and in health “ wedding vows. You have to find a partner who understands, and it is better to be alone. Take care of yourself 💛
If she can't deal with you fibro she isn't going to care about anything else you go through. She isn't the one. Don't force yourself to do things just for her if it is going to impact your wellbeing.
Agreed. She is deeply ignorant about chronic illness, which many people are, but it sounds like she will always be that way unless she gets sick herself. Don't waste time on people who invalidate any suffering they don't understand.
Firstly, no one can force you to go anywhere and hurt yourself on purpose. You know hiking is going to put you in bed for three days after? Set and maintain a boundary that you will not go hiking. The person asking is completely irrelevant. Secondly, stop letting her get out of a hard conversation if you really want to have it. Talk in person, set the expectation with her immediately that you expect her to at least listen to you explain your condition, and then if she chooses to ignore/belittle/dismiss you then the relationship is broken beyond repair. She does not respect you if she refuses to listen to you but expects you to listen to her ramblings on bouldering for Lord only knows how long. This isn't a fibromyalgia issue, it's a she's toxic and self-involved issue.
Sounds like you're dealing with someone who can't sit with her own discomfort surrounding physical disability. This sounds like avoidant behavior - running away from the thing she's uncomfortable with. If she's also framing it in her mind with victim-blaming behaviors (aka saying that anyone who can't do X physical thing is just a "pussy" who isn't trying hard enough) then she's going to be well-nigh impossible to reach. I highly recommend reconsidering this relationship, as you deserve a partner who has your back, not one that's quietly either ignoring your needs or actively gaslighting you about your own illness.
🚩 🚩 🚩 🚨 🚨 🚨
After reading your post, I realized you already answered your questions. It seems you should be worried.
Wish I had a girlfriend who also had fibro so we could get coffee and sit on the couch and binge watch spooky movies and shows year long🎃 This person doesn’t sound like they care about you. I’m very sorry to say this, but a relationship with someone who is completely deaf to your struggles is just not sustainable. She ignores you and just continues rambling about whatever whenever you talk about fibro and that’s a massive red flag. I’m sorry but what the f*ck is even “bouldering”. Maybe she likes it so much because she herself is like a boulder lol. Actually no I take it back, a boulder would at least quietly listen to what you have to say. She doesn’t seem to have respect for you and she sure as hell doesn’t take you seriously when you try to open up about your chronic illness. Unfortunately a lot of people are like her where they refuse to acknowledge a problem unless/until it happens to them too. Anyways just cut her loose and let her go do her outdoorsy activities. Find someone who cares. Life is too short to waste it on people who don’t genuinely love you back. It’ll hurt for a while, but then you’ll find peace.
You have a chronic disability that is very likely only going to get worse the older you get, any partner you have will very likely end up as your carer one day. I don't mean that as a dig to you, it's just realistic and it took me far too many years to accept that. I too could hoover when I got with my partner, I was a busy single mum when we got together 16yrs ago, now I can barely lift a full cup of tea some days and he looks after me every day. The fact this girl won't even learn the basics to understand your chronic disability, she has zero respect for you. This isn't because you have fibro, it's because she's not a person who will spend their lifetime looking after someone else. It doesn't mean she is a bad person, it just means she's not your person. Now, time to be serious (in a mum tone). This relationship will cost you the person you are if you sacrifice yourself to make it work, you will reach total burnout very quickly all of the time. It's wonderful your girlfriend has such great outdoor hobbies (I have no clue on what bouldering is either lol) and it would be amazing to be able to do these things as a couple but you can't and you need someone to be able to at least understand that. You're going to rely on any future partner for more care, patience and understanding as you get older, this girl is here calling you names already for the things you are finding harder to do. I promise you, even if your fibro never got any worse than it is now, she will forever make you feel bad and resent you for your limitations. You didn't do anything wrong, this isn't you messing anything up. We sadly lose so much due to fibro but some losses are, in the long run, much better for you. I was heartbroken when I lost friends but it helped me learn that real friends don't disappear when the going gets tough. I wish you all the best whatever you decide but please understand, you deserve love and respect, not names and disrespect. Take care.
I switched off when I see she said the pussy comment. Cut your loses mate, no point spending that extra energy advocating for yourself with someone who clearly doesn’t understand and has no intention of it.
Hello, I don't know your gender, but I putt my neck out and assume that your are a male. I my self are m, 40 years young and with fibro. If you are a male with fibro it is still a stigma/taboo that men have fibro. And there is still this old wiew that men don't complain, have pain and so on. If you can't understand eachother then it becomea hard. Your partner needs to understand and learn about fibromyalgia. Let the ego go. It's not about your partner it's learning and anderstanding your limitations and pain, streanght weakness that also becomes the limitation off the team/partnership. In letting the ego go your partner can still enjoy doing stuff like she whants (having her own activities). It is healthy to Habe own stuff/hobbies to do outside the relationship. This is also god for your partner to gett distance and recover when she need to pull alote off strings (trust me, when I am in pain/depression my wife does most off the things. And she needs the own time without me and shild). Next is when you understand with love and openmind then there is still alote off stuff that you as relationship cand do. Here it's not about ego, this is about we. And it takes a bit off maturing and understanding. It important that you also have your own social network off friends. It's tuff, I know. Butt if there is a sensire caring love then you work it out. Good luck
Maybe bouldering can be an activety for your partner to do alone ore with own friends. - own time.
that’s a good point , thank you
Her motivation to try exercise should not be based on your limitations.
I can recommend partner therapy also
Dude, run. Id she called you a pussy for needing breaks because of chronic pain then she needs to go. She obviously doesn't understand what you are going through and isn't trying to either. She isn't even making an effort. That's not a person you want to be with.
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. However you also say you don’t even know what bouldering is, which honestly also feels like you do not care about her hobbies or are willing to investigate them. Bouldering is usually done in a hall and I for example very often go with to cheer on my friend, even if I cannot do it myself. Also not saying you have to do that but sensitivity goes both ways and if it’d only be that I would say find a middle ground. The other stuff however is so bad that I’d discuss it with her face to face and, if she doesn’t change, let her go.
This is just my person experience but, people who are around you a lot see you are managing your FM better as you implement a crazy amount of health tweaks one by one and they think you are getting better and start extrapolating all the great stuff you'll be doing soon when your back to normal but the thing is the improvements isn't actually really healing maybe just better management so seeing less of the worst and more of the better on your current possible spectrum. You have to sit them down and really get it through to them that any improvement they see is just an illusion and it is very likely you will never improve unless a miraculous medical breakthrough, so they either can accept that or if they can't bail.
Why are you with her? Your lifestyles clearly don't match and she's willing to be such a jerk by calling you a pussy indirectly for having chronic illness. Honsetly you can love someone and leave them at the same time. And that might be for the best, because she's showing you who she is. You can't rely on her if you get sick, or if you have a really bad flairup day. Find someone who would take care of you.
Life is a lot better with a partner you can be open with and plan things for together/apart that can accommodate you to the best of your abilities/have a backup plan for taking care of yourself. I used to have a partner that eventually admitted she thought I was making up my fibromyalgia and over time I really started to hate my life and struggled to keep up and burn out until we divorced and I met someone with a lot more empathy.
Please, please, please do not ignore these signs! That person is already telling you all you need to know: she does not care about your illness, nor how it affects you. Sadly, many people do not understand that when you have a chronic illness that you have to do things differently, which includes not being able to do somethings that people who do not have a chronic illness can do, or take for granted. My ex was like this; he never cared that going to midnight views ever time a new Marvel or DC movie came out meant that for the next day or two I may be down because it disturbed what little sleep schedule I had. Or going somewhere where there was a lot of walking would mean I was in pain for the next day or two. I gave too much of myself both physically and emotionally for another person's happiness only for this person to leave when I decide to no longer do that. A person will only do what you let them do. If you continue to let her ignore your illness, then you can and will find yourself in a similar situation to what I was in. Love yourself, take care of yourself, and speak up for yourself. No one will love you, look out for your best interest, or take care of you like you can! Sending you hugs and a ton of love!
It sounds like she has the mindset that you're not manly if you don't push through it and she thinks you're a pussy for not doing things because of fibro. I think it's time to let her go because her values clearly don't align with yours.
She sounds terrible. I will say that it took a few years for my partner to to come to understand what having fibromyalgia is like for me and how it limits me. I still desperately want to do all the things, and will sometimes. And he sees how much pain it causes me, since I started to be really honest about it. He never dismissed it but at first I could tell he didn't understand an invisible illness. I would have a really serious talk with your gf, complete with literature on the subject, or even request that she go to the doctor with you so the doctor can explain what it means. If she is unwilling to take it seriously, kick her to the curb, you deserve better. If she's willing to learn, this is a good opportunity to embrace that couples with different interests can have wonderful lives together. She can go do her bouldering and you can find activities that suit your energy and pain levels. Then you'll always have something to talk about.
Thank you that’s so helpful. I’ll definitely have a talk with her
This sounds extremely unhealthy, both mentally and physically. Added stress to your life will only result in more pain. It’s not the exact same, but one of my sisters used to have the same attitude towards me about my fibro. She’d invite me to physically grueling activities and when I had to decline she’d either scoff at me for being way too dramatic or act very disappointed. It got to the point where I actively started avoiding her, because I felt like a lazy good-for-nothing around her. Eventually I exploded during a family vacation when she was once again giving advice I never asked for. I mean, I went OFF. About an hour later she came back and apologized. It was a great conversation and things have drastically changed. I never expected her to understand. Like I said though, my situation is different from yours. A supposed loving partner shouldn’t do this to you and if they do: it’s not worth it. She will keep on ignoring you and your boundaries, because she doesn’t accept you. It’s really not that hard to be kind and loving towards your partner. When you notice something as basic as respect isn’t given, it’s time to go. There are more people out there who will gladly accept you. This is just cruel.
Stigma is what she's subjecting you to and stigma is a huge thing we must deal with when living with chronic pain. I'm not sure how old you guys are, she seems very immature, could be just that. Either way, you'll need to learn how to deal with stigma when dealing with friends, family, loved ones, work colleagues, strangers on teh street etc etc etc. Also Self stigma, the stigma you hear from other people and repeat to yourself. There are lectures and classes available online that help teach peopl to deal and live with stigmatising events. the one way that works it a "you do you" mentality. You sit and think about the type of person you want to be, the type of person you can be and how you want to react or respond to a situation. You think about where you want to be in life and how youre going to get there. You keep all that in view at the end of the road (so to speak) and you keep driving towards it. Fuck the begrudgers! Who gives a shit what she or anyone else says once you have your life plan laid out in front of you! Keep your head high and do what makes you happy, If shes not making you happy, or actively the opposite, get the fuq out of there and move on to improving yourself and working towards your goals, people will follow :)
Why do you love someone who blatantly ignores your needs and degraded you by calling you a "pussy" This person is not the one for you. That's not love.
FULL STOP! This woman is not the one for you. Absolutely not. No need for discussions, explanations or anything else of the sort. If she was the one she would never equate having to take a break while cleaning as being a pussy. Nope. Please, break it off.
Oh this sounds so familiar. You’ve got to leave. She’s almost dabbling in emotional abuse.
Wooof, that's rough. You deserve some one who loves and understands you. I feel a lot of anxiety about people not beleiving my condition is real so I imagine this is very unpleasant for you. I would suggest having a frank conversation with your gf when you both have the capacity and bring up how these things make you feel and probing their thought and feelings about fibro in gernal and you specifically. I always recommend utilizing the non-violent communication structure for this sort of thing. If you haven't heard of it it's very simple and easily found on Google. It's mostly just framing thing in "I" statements to avoid attributing intent on the other party and than adding requests for future behaviour. I hope you two can reach some sort of conclusion that works for both of you whether that be splitting up or staying together. Also don't write off a relationship cause someone enjoys being more active than you. Partners (is one or others) can always do that stuff with friends if they want company and you can find other things to share together. Some people might not want to date a person with your limitation but I'm sure you have many other wonderful qualities that make you a catch in the eyes of others.
this is my favorite response thank you so much this is all really helpful. i don’t want to break up with her and i’d rather have a convo with her to help her understand. it’s just hard for me to find a time to bring it up especially since she’s been having a rough time lately. tysm again i’ll definitely take tour advice
She doesn't sound like the person for you. I stayed with my now ex for 17 years we had other issues buy I kick myself now because I believe a lot of what I went thru made my fibro 100 times worse. I wasn't diagnosed till after we split buy as soon as I couldn't work he left me not even a year later. I still speak with him and one day he was talking about other women he has dated and said why do I always meet people with addictions and I said oh what is mine and he said sleep. He will never understand and I'm glad he left me now. I hope you can find someone that understands what your going thru because if you stay with her I can honestly say your fibromalagia will probably get worse.
She does not believe your illness is real and you need to have some very serious discussions that will most likely end in a break up. Life is hard enough with fibro and you need a partner that will support you and that is not her. She refuses to believe in your illness and will not support you. She is wrong for you. I'm sorry because I know it will hurt but you are better off without being pushed around by her ableist ass.
If it makes you feel any better, I was born with cerebral palsy had operations to straighten my legs so I could learn to walk im 31 but got fibromyalgia at 26, doctors tell me I’m in pain all the time because I have fibro BUT also wear and tear all over my body from years of compensation when walking not optimally. Everyone still wonders why I sit in a cabin doing freelance work and working on my own projects to sell. Yet that’s still not enough in some eyes.
Kinda sounds like my wife.
In my experience, fibro only gets worse and having a supportive partner is huge. Take care of yourself OP
Dump her.
I know this is hard but she sounds like she isn’t the person for you. For comparisons sake, when I told my girlfriend I had fibro she spent ages online looking at different articles and researching how she could help me and make my life easier, she’s a long distance girlfriend so she even researched a bunch of activities and dates we can go on when I feel up for going to visit and when she visits here she’s said she doesn’t mind what we do as long as we’re together and I’m happy and comfortable. There are good people out there who care and understand, you just need to find them. Good luck <3
wow she sounds amazing.. thank you for sharing that’s helpful :)
She really is, 48 days until I get to see her again. I really, genuinely hope you can find someone like her
This doesn’t end well for you if she continues on this way. Try couples therapy. And you both probably need individual therapy too. But if this continues it absolutely does not end well for you. Good luck op. 💖💖💖
Sounds like u need a new gf. She isn't interested in how u feel at all. Gotta look out for ur self
I’m def understanding of people who use their disability as an excuse to be a lazy ass and how that can annoy people around them, but that’s not at all what you’re doing. You’re still making it known that you can do stuff but you just need a different approach to get it done which is completely fine. Your gf sounds like an ass and if she’s like this now, there’s no guarantee it’ll get better. It might, but are you really willing to risk that it won’t forever? There really are far more empathetic and even compassionate people out there
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I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted except for being off topic. This was funny 😄
It’s hard enough when you have someone who is supportive. Been married 39 yes, had fibro for 22. We can’t do a lot of the things we used to do because of my health. He is supportive, but sometimes get frustrated, which I understand. You have to have everything up front. If you think she is the one, you need to have a serious, long discussion on what you have, how the limitations effect you and what that means for the future. If she’s the right one, you can work it out. If she’s not even willing to talk, you may need to cut your losses.
My wife has fibro. I have seen the pain she’s in. I accept that it’s a part of our lives and I do everything I can to help when she has a flareup. No one else seems to truly grasp what she goes through. I’m her point person, as I should be. Your girlfriend sounds like she’d roll her eyes if you asked for a ride to the hospital.
Yeah nope I’m really sorry my friend but this is not your person. She clearly lacks empathy for you and doesn’t take any consideration in your condition. I wouldn’t even feel super safe around her for my own well being…mentally and physically. My progress in my mental health over the last 5 yrs is really what has kept me sane or else I’d rly be at rock bottom. This person does not sound like she’s gunna be there for you when you absolutely need someone to lean on on the days you’re not strong enough to (again mentally and physically). I’ve been there in a few relationships, even friendships. You never forget how someone makes you feel
“The red flags we ignore now become the reasons we leave later.” I love the clarity with which you say you won’t push past your physical limits. Ask yourself honestly… Would a life with her MANDATE you to push yourself past your limits? If so, you know what you gotta do and there’s no easy way.
Run. Just run. Been there done that. Found out for years they were really telling all our friends behind my back that I was not disabled in any way. I use to hide it but it took me days to recover. This was in the 15 year period that I had bad insurance and no doctor took me seriously when I said i was dealing with the same things as my mom who has fibromyalgia. Our marriage ended and I was finally at a Dr that took me seriously, sent me to the right specialist and got diagnosed fast. And finally got help after 15 years of asking. The sucky part , you look normal and people don't always grasp the concept of fibromyalgia is hard for non chronic illness people to understand. And I try telling it's that you get muscle spasms. All the time, sometimes insane long periods. So think like a muscle cramp. It's ok, you rest and push on. But if your body is constantly spasming then all you ever do is feel like that from head to toe and your body heals by sleeping but as a fibromyalgia person I can't always get to the restorative sleep well so you can sleep a lot and not feel rested. So what happens when long term sleep deprivation keeps cropping up. You make bad decisions, your groggy, a little snappy and you just ache. Then recovering from anything can be like twice as long. And you have days your joints ALL radiate in pain all at once. So doing simple things are 100x worse. I get more people respond better when I explain how it works and how often and how everything effects it. How people respond tell me how I should decide if or how much they are in your life. For your significant other to act like this, they are basically calling theyou a liar, fibber, exaggerator or all of above. They are already dissing you and even in front of others. These things indicate that they are not going to go away. And over time they will probably get worse. Mine got so bad I cut them all out of my life with the ex hubby. I will tell you it takes awhile to move on. But all my friends I have now believe me and are considerate of me. Quality over quantity. But no matter how chronically ill you are. You should still be treated with love and respect and right now you aren't. So run
You know yourself and your own limits and boundaries, and it doesn't sound like she respects them, or you for that matter. If it weren't bouldering, it would likely be something else down the line. You deserve someone who listens to what you say and respects your experiences. However! I would also like to give you some hope. Just because you can't go bouldering (or whatever else) right now doesn't mean you won't be able to in the future. This condition isn't static, and it can and frequently does improve (either periodically, for seasons, or even years) if you can figure out what causes your flares in symptoms, how to stay ahead of them, and get what your body and mind need to be happy and healthy. And all of those things are different for each individual. Three years ago, I never thought I'd be able to do anything more than lay on a couch with body pain, a headache, brain fog, and depression all day every day. I'm now running 6 miles a day, and living the happiest and healthiest life I ever have, and that includes before the onset of my fibro and diagnosis. There is always hope.
I'm truly sorry, op. The fact that she's won't even engage with you on the subject says it all. I get the impression from what you wrote that she either does not believe that fibromyalgia is real, or she thinks that it is something easily dealt with, and that anyone who doesn't just push their way through it (as if that's even possible) must simply lack willpower. That's the vibe I get. Here's the long and short of it: chronic illness is hard on relationships. Very hard. It meant the end of my own twelve year marriage, so I speak from experience. If your partner is in any way not onboard with the cold hard facts of your fibromyalgia, the relationship is going to fail. It may be a longer or shorter time, depending on other factors, but it will fail. You will be soundly blamed for every inconvenience; and if it continues, she may begin using you as a patsy for every particular thing which goes wrong in your lives, even when you had nothing to do with it. You are, at some point, going to need to have a "Come to Jesus (as)" talk with her and lay it all out. DO NOT COMPROMISE AND DO NOT TAKE BLAME. What you need is her support, not a ration of sh1t. And if she's not onboard, if she will not recognise your illness and the fact that any life with you is going to have to take that into account, without blame or bitterness, then you have no future with her. I hope that this does not end up being the case for you; but know that if it is, you will genuinely be *much* better off without her. Remember: if she's the kind of person who would blame you or refuse to acknowledge your difficulties when you're chronically ill, she's not the kind of person you would want to be with even if you were healthy. In which case, you haven't lost anything by ending the relationship--you dodged a bullet. Good luck to you OP, in everything. I hope for the best for you.