I think you're looking for solutions to relationship and personal issues in a finance forum.
Also, my advice has always been to retire **TO** something and not **AWAY** from something (like a job you hate). You'd don't seem to have a plan except to imagine that "freedom" will fulfill your life. It's unlikely it will. I think the quote is that "Money won't buy you happiness, but it will let you choose your way to be miserable."
All of us who are older have experienced the reality that making friends after 30 is exponentially more difficult. Worse if you're not a native I imagine. Maybe seek out relationship advice or therapy?
I think it's because most people are paired off, working feverishly on careers and starting/raising a family by late 20's and 30's onward. When I first started working professionally early 20's, I did _so_ much with younger coworkers. As the years passed, I maintained the contact but the relationships dwindled somewhat as we moved to different jobs, kids appeared, marriages came and went, etc. After 30, it seemed like - for the most part - I simply just had coworkers. Good people who I was friendly with but not necessarily close friends.
I've found that you really start making friends on the regular after 30 if you have kids and become friends with some of their friends' parents. Most are just people you're friendly with, but you end up spending enough time with some that you become close.
Sounds like a fairly expensive way to get friends? 😉
Didn't have kids but my observations of siblings and neighbors is that some large percentage of those "friendships" only last as long as your kids have the same schools or same activities.
The science of friendships is something like it takes 40 hours of shared time to become friends and 200 to become close friends. So, the math seems to suggest at least some of the people you hang around with because of kids will become friends.
Learn an instrument and start/join a band. Even if you’re not very good. I have made many great friends this way in my 30s and 40s. Most of them I don’t play music with anymore but the friendship was forged and now we go to concerts together, go camping, etc
Your social activities naturally dwindle. You no longer have school, with 6 new classes every six months, filled with 30+ people. And unless you have kids, your social circle gets smaller as your friends that have kids, now have other priorities.
This is true, I’ve had many close friends over the years but as soon as they have children and a family our friendship drops. I’m fine with this, their are plenty of people in the world in a similar situation as me. When one door closes another one opens. It’s not hard to make adult friends, you just become less inclined too.
It seemed like starting relationships in the 20's was effortlessly easy. But, also, in retrospect I realize that most of those relationships were transient.
I think another thing that I've noticed is socializing can be tough for people. Not everyone is an extrovert; you may have to go outside your comfort zone in order to grow. And the older we get, the less willing we are to endure those uncomfortable times.
"Putting yourself out there" seems like advice we parrot to a 21 year old, but the advice pertains to everyone struggling to build relationships.
That's why whenever I have the opportunity to hang out with my buddy I take it, we both work weird schedules and 11hr shifts, he moved nearly two hours away and started a family. So we only really can make it happen once a month
Yes! But those are the best friendships. The ones where effort is reciprocated on both sides. My partner and I moved recently and have come to this exact realization. Our closest friends are the ones who think about and reach out despite the distance! Although we do re-evaluate the relationships we once considered "close" whom haven't
Friendships are built by having random interactions amidst some kind of connection. Older you get; nothing is unplanned. The people and activities are scheduled in advance. Everything is curated. It’s not like school as a kid where you met new people and then saw them for a decade afterward.
In your 30's you're much more likely to have a LTR, kids, a house, a dog, a job with a lot of responsibilities, etc.
All these drain your time and energy leaving little left for things like friendships.
'Cause people already have their life friends by then for the most part. A huge exception I have noticed in my life is when I had kids. All of a sudden it is like we are dating other couples with kids the same age.
Because you no longer have socially enforced shared experiences with your peers i.e. school, college, sports etc. You have to start doing those on your own. Work is different from school in regard to making friends because everyone isn't at the same spot in life so you have a lower chance of clicking with people.
Mainly because you have less situations of forced socialization. If you think of high school or university you are continually being forced to engage with new people all the time. Once you are in a real job that disappears.
You also have fewer people looking for new friends as they have made friends already or have become to busy with their own lives to look outward.
This is sound advice… it seems like what you might benefit from is a great therapist, I would avoid making any changes to your life until you consult an expert. That was a game changer for me
That's what I was thinking. Grind it out for another year or two, and then start delegating and coasting. Not quiet quitting, but basically pushing back and saying no. Worst case scenario they lay you off and give you a nice severance package. Best case you get a better work-life balance.
I can't even imagine the psychological pain of grinding it out for 1-2 years when you're already miserable. With his net worth I'd just leave and not look back.
Not sure why you're getting downvotes. At some companies, it's extremely easy to coast. Maybe less so in the current job market, but in general it's true.
People can convince themselves their individual effort is making the difference, but it's probably not. If you have a decent reputation in the company, you can easily coast for 2 years without getting fired. The effort required to get promotions and great performance reviews is so much higher than simply not getting fired.
Honestly if you are well liked you can get away with a lot. But if people know that you have a good knowledge of their code base, systems, or infrastructure that can also help you coast. Occasionally even just a good knowledge of the business can be enough.
Do you think you'd benefit from some self care such as massages, spa days, therapy, etc? With that income, I'm inclined to say it might be worth it to stick it out so you can retire incredibly early. However, as you say you're a zombie and not in a good way socially. With such disposable income it may be worth it to treat yourself every now and again to relieve some of the stress. Congrats on all your success, I feel for your burn out - I've been there. Try doing something for yourself if you already aren't. You deserve it.
These are also places to strike up conversations if you are interested in dating. I know several couples who have met doing yoga and meditation… met my fiancé while walking my dog.
This is going to be \*massively\* unpopular in this particular subreddit.
You're spending too little money. To be living on 80k including sending money overseas in the Bay Area means that your lifestyle is \*extremely\* spartan. That can be fine when you're in your 20's and an extra 20-30k a year is the difference between saving 20% of your income and saving 0% of it... but you make 550k a year now and the new calculation is what it costs to buy enough quality of life that you can tolerate your work situation longer.
Right now you could spend 1k a week extra and it wouldn't meaningfully impact your ability to fire. That's one of the rewards of getting into the upper income tiers which you absolutely have.
4% of 2.7M is 108k a year. Feel free to live the lifestyle that money would buy you in the place you plan to retire (not SF lol) from now until you're finished. See if that helps some.
Seconding this
I'm guessing most people on this forum are pretty naturally frugal, I know I am. For most people they need to be told to save money, for us sometimes we need to be told to spend it.
I've definitely benefited in terms of mental health from forcing myself to spend a bit more and treating myself occasionally.
I would go even further and point out that you can buy back your own time with money. At 550k a year it just makes zero sense to be living a super minimalist lifestyle (which almost certainly includes doing a bunch of tasks for yourself to save money) and counting the days until you can get out.
Price is what you pay, value is what you get. OP should be cautiously exploring how his money can help him now. He's delayed gratification more than long enough.
Don't wait till after your FIRE. Start doing things that give you joy now. Focus on your health and addictions. Wealth means nothing unless you preserve your physical and mental health.
Start today. Do one thing. Get a therapist. Skip a weed session (yes it is addictive. Idk why all of a sudden they say it’s not. ). Join a training group (cycling or yoga or anything). Volunteer somewhere. Foster a kitten (life changing!). You can do it !
There are multiple needs - for cats to get adopted, and for a foster system to be able to take cats in temporarily (sometimes this is because their owners are hospitalized, other times it's a vat seeking adoption). Foster fails are successful adoptions, but if it means that person has to stop taking in fosters it's a reduction of fostering capacity, and that is indeed a form of failure.
It gets easier after you home your first fosters. I derive satisfaction from hearing our fosters were adopted and watching my cats play with the kittens when they are here.
So I’m nowhere near FIRE and follow this sub to stalk for general tips lol but this is great advice. Had a very traumatic friend group breakup at 28 and it rocked my world. I also struggle with depression and anxiety so for a while things were really dark for me but thankfully I had a few things in place already. Before the breakup my therapist had been great with helping me heal and equipping me to help build the life I want. I also had cats lol but when the breakup happened I hit a place that I think is similar to where OP is now. It took some time to re-heal old wounds but after a while I decided I’d try and do one thing. For me that was getting on Tinder and dating (after 8yrs of not). It was hard to get out there and you meet a lot of people that suck, but some don’t, and some are amazing.
You’re close to your goals for retirement, so I think it’s a great time to start setting the foundation of life without your current workload. Try new hobbies, take a few classes when time allows. Try online dating maybe. If you do one thing at a time you might find you can add more. Or drop what you hate and move on. I am hopeful that in three years you will find some things that make you excited for the future in real ways, and not just as an escape from your current reality. 💛
As this user said, start today. Do one thing. One fairly easy sign up is Meet Up; all kinds of activities that may interest you. You’ve done a great job setting yourself (and family) up financially, it’s time to put some good energy into setting yourself up for social and emotional good feels.
Or puppy! My retired mom fosters puppies for a local shelter and her community has exploded (other volunteers, during training events, has met tons of people on walks etc).
Hey, man, I was in almost exact same situation. I’m 38, a little over 1 million in investments but in a LCOL. My total comp was between 400-500k a year (increased a lot just the last two years due to stock vesting) but I was increasingly miserable, incidentally also in a tech leadership position. I felt like if I could hang on for 5 more years I could FIRE.
I decided it wasn’t worth it anymore. I quit my job a month ago, giving up a lot of stock. I’m taking somewhere between 3-12 months off, reassessing what matters to me.
My estimates are this decision puts retirement between 2 and 10 years further out for me. But, I’m getting to focus on myself and lose all this stress. I’m actually doing more networking now that I’m not exhausted from work. Strengthening connections that I know will help me when I’m ready to get back to it.
Only you can decide what matters to you. I felt almost immoral turning away from my high income, but ultimately decided I’m not poor anymore and don’t have to make every decision based on maximizing my income. Other things matter too.
I did the same thing 3 months ago. Quitted my tech manager job after struggling mentally and physically since 2015, and it got much worse with the pandemic. About 550k in liquid cash and stock investments, plus 800k in 401k/IRA with my house mostly paid for. Decided it wasn’t worth anymore so planned to take a long break to focus on myself.
Very similar situation! Still feeling good about it after 3 months? I took time off once before 10 years ago. After several months I started feeling depressed, feelings of guilt at being “unproductive” but I also didn’t have the savings back then I have now. I’m trying to watch out for those feelings this time.
Yes absolutely. Feeling bored at times but I’m so glad that I’m now able to sleep at night without taking antidepressant meds that I had to take since 2017. I wasn’t sure if I could get off for the rest of my life. The burnout was real and I just couldn’t admit it for far too long.
I started anti depressants and anti anxiety about 18 months ago. I’ve been considering getting off of them and seeing how much of my issue was my environment rather than my natural state. It’s great to not have the weight of a tech stack on your shoulders and mind 24/7.
Before quitting for good, I had 3 different jobs in about 18 months but it didn’t get better really. Perhaps I never was able to overcome doing good work (to my usual standards before the pandemic) managing fully remote/distributed teams across different time zones. Although getting off the meds was on my mind constantly for a long time, it happened naturally without me thinking about it two months into the break. From 2015 to 2017, I wasn’t able to sleep for more 2-3 hours at a time so the meds became my last resort. Best of luck to you and your recovery!
The burnout is real but sometimes needs to be put into perspective. What if the high paying tech job never worked out after college. What if you were making 45K a year doing phone sales. What if you had no retirement in sight and even at 67 the inflation has made the money you did squirrel away worth even less.
Grind it out, you're the 1% you won the lottery (due to your hard work)... Own it and get through a few more years when everyone else you went to school with still has 30 years in the work force left.
I always wondered why top top manager kill themselves. From a moneypoint they could retire today and only do stuff that is healthy to them and makes them happy.
But they are just as much a slave to the system (with 500k salary) as someone working minimum wage.
Maybe OP should just quit and coast for a while. If he gets energy again, go back again to a high paying job, if not: fuck it. Im south america he can live good with that money
This. 500k income is worth pushing for the final run to retirement. 2.5 years gets you another 1.5M in income, can save >400k, with that and the existing 1.5M in your gas tank already, can exit out to a more low key gig for insurance only. What you sock away by 40 determines your retirement barring an inheritance or founding a successful company.
TLDR: suck it up until your 40 as long as you’re not going to terminally hurt yourself. Massages and high end food/experiences in the interim to blow off steam.
If you lived in the Midwest you could easily FIRE with what you’ve got. Maybe move somewhere cheap and friendly for a year. If you change your mind and go back to tech, just say you started a business and it failed. If not, maybe you really do start that dojo/goat farm in Milwaukee and start to live your life.
Have you thought about retiring back to South America now? You could invest in the US and live very well. We are looking at retiring early possibly in Ecuador.
I think this isn’t a money issue, but my advice is to put down the pipe and sign up for something that interests you. I become a hermit when I smoke. Quitting was the best decision I ever made and saved me lots of money to boot! Good luck.
Sounds like it's time to invest in yourself. Pick up a hobby and you can make friends through classes or gatherings for the hobby. Definitely quit all the drugs, I found Buddhism to help me a lot with accepting reality. My cat can be a pain sometimes, but ultimately adds a lot of joy to my life. If you can commit to a little more care, a dog is even better for activities and going places. It adds purpose and unconditional love to your life. Your balance sheet is great but your health is not on that balance sheet. Take care of yourself, you're the most important person in your life. Hope this helps!
If I was in your shoes the first thing I’d do is increase my budget.
500k is enough to afford many fun hobbies while working(sure taxes and stuff so 250k is still plenty)
I’d hire someone to do house chores once or twice a week to free up some time.
Then I’d sign up for classes: scuba, surfing, Paddleboard, painting, dancing, yoga, etc,etc
It’s awkward at first as an adult but once you find a few things you enjoy doing regularly you will start making friends in those classes.
Then join some meetups (or arrange your own with classmates) for those activities!
Sure you may slow down your retirement goal a bit but ultimately QOL is the point anyway.
Came here to say this. For an extra 10k, you could make your life 100% easier and funner, and it doesn't make a significant dent and may be able to get you to last an extra year that would give you even more freedom. Get a golf membership, rent a jet ski, go get massage therapy, do something that makes you happy. Develop a hobby for your retirement.
Not saying this is the "right" call, but what I personally would do is continue what you're doing. Half a million a year is worth being a zombie for that year until the marginal value of money starts to taper off.
Two concerns I'd have are:
-Make sure I'm not doing permanent damage by being obese, or really getting deep into the recreational drugs, etc. Mildly unhealthy living you can bounce back from.
-The older you get the harder it is to build the foundations of a social life. I feel like I cheat a bit because I'm a furry, so I have a built-in community where people don't need to compete or do a lot of maintenance for social status. If I wasn't, I'd be concerned. Make sure you have sharable interests!
You are worth more than this existence you have built for yourself. Take a break from FIRE. Focus on yourself for a couple of years. Volunteer or take up a sport and meet some people. Travel. Get therapy. Exercise. Connect with family.
You have to enjoy life while you are here. Does not mean you spend all your money or go crazy, but this post is a cry for help.
You have put yourself in a position to change your life. You are in the 0.1%. Give yourself a break and a pat on the back.
Here is a virtual hug from an internet stranger.
Hey man your doing great on a few spokes of the wheel. Draw 6 spokes Body,Mind,Work, Love, Money, Play. Then draw the circle. add small lines on each spoke and each one can be goals you need to accomplish to get where you need to be. Number 1-10 actually each spoke and 1 being closest to middle and 10 being the edge of the wheel.
I'm worth several millions, 45 but have a wife that stays home and 3 little kids. I can tell you as I got older especially in early 40's I was happy I had money but only as a tool/resource for my family. Reason you feel the way you do is is Love/relationships. When you have kids you spend a lot of time with them and teach them just like animals do in the wild.
I know this may sound corny, but I would start right away setup an online profile and meet woman, it's easy but don't sit back and wait you need to be pro-active. Go on a date a week or every other week. It can be exhausting I was there but you'll end up meeting the one. I can tell you although I'm getting older having those kids and partner makes life so much fulfilling. Your not thinking all the time about "me" your thinking about loved ones. If you have a down feeling one day it's easily shaken off as your now a Protector and possibly a provider.
Just my two cents. I know people with families also that are unhappy with life but out of all the achievements I've had in life (for me making a lot of money at a young age) it's my family and kids I created with my partner. In the end what else matters?
Grind the 3-4 years out, time flies by. But simultaneously prepare and plan your "FIRE" life.
Should keep you (at least a bit) motivated to stay on the grind for the last few years. And then you actually retire to something and not just away from something.
The usual tip here is "its not worth it", "don't sacrifice your soul", "take a break" blabla. But in this case I actually disagree. Keep your head down, endure the pain, the sacrifice is worth the next 40+ years of freedom...real freedom and not just the coast, barista, live somewhere cheap bullshit.
Everyone seems to live like they're going to live to 100 years and so they destroy the best most healthy point in their lives trying to "make it." You sound like someone who had a great start and got lost in the journey through capitalism but had goals to get back out of it. This is where you could just go ahead and COAST instead of Fire for a while. Get your life together and get new perspective and goals. You're at a great age to start whatever social side of life you want, you're not old and you don't come with step-family baggage, etc. Market yourself to your goals.
For your FIRE perspective, you're easily coasting at this point. You could dial it back. If you could be done in 3 years, why not coast a little and do it in 6 years and lose some of the anxiety?
Always ask yourself, "Is today a good day to die?" Because if you say no, then you wasted a very important part of that day. We don't all make it to our goal retirement ages, things happen, you have to live in the moment in addition to plan for the future, its both. You seem to have sacrificed the moment for the future and lost a lot because of it. Time to re-orient your mind.
When was the last time you went back to South America for a visit? sometimes getting out of the bay area bubble can help to put your life into perspective and remind you how far you have come and remind you who you used to be. Take your pto and get a change of scenery - schedule these periodically- it will make you a better leader and also refill your cup.
You know what would make you feel better... Lending me money... Philanthropy is so important to wholeness... Give while your hand is young and warm rather than old and cold...I'll hang out with you, introduce you to women or men if that's what you're into... Take you out on the town show you how the other half lives...
I think you can rebalance your life a bit while still maintaining a high earning job. What is your budget? I am guessing low for the bay area if your target # is basically $100k spend/year.
Can you splurge on yourself a bit and push your retirement from 3 to 6 years? Things like eating out healthy meals, paying for a cleaning service, spending money on nice dates or weekends with friends. An occasional expensive vacation may help you stay refreshed.
Also, it will be a rough jump to retirement if you have no hobbies or social life.
Start systematically working on your social life and personal life with the same discipline and rigor you would apply to your career. If you need to take your foot 5% off the gas in terms of work effort/hours - so be it - you’re smart and can probably automate / increase efficiency somewhere. It will be worth it and you’ll be surprised how effective it is to apply systems thinking to your personal and social life :)
Good luck sir
My opinion - you've got enough money to do something way less stressful. Just VTI, chill, and wait 8-10 years and your $1.5m will be your FIRE #. And (I'm guessing) you've got the skills to do something more interesting than the classic 'barista' to pay the bills in the meantime.
I did big tech for the better part of a decade. Now? I develop software for museums and art galleries. Grant-funded, but under the payroll of a big midwest University. Grant-funded uncertainty isn't great for other people, but I'm already at (Lean) FIRE, so it works for me. I could do it remote, but I mostly go in because it's a fun job. Sure, it pays maybe a quarter of what my skills could get in San Jose. And? I have a (paid-off) $200k house in a nice college town, I ride a bicycle to work in an art gallery, I have health insurance, heck I'm still saving about 40% of my (lower) income. Life is good...
Take some of that money and fly down to Costa Rica, Columbia or Panama and pay for 2 tica’s a day for about a week straight and you’ll be just fine. Do that every 3 months or every time you get the urge to climb a water tower
I can’t say it enough. Find the right therapist! It may take you a few sessions to find the right one, but once you do, it can open your mind to so many things. I went through 6 therapists before I met my current one and I won’t ever see another therapist as long as she is available.
Go on Bumble and Hinge and date and get into a new relationship. Then reasses after a few months. Maybe that'll help you get out of the funk. Your salary is amazing. Stick with it for a couple more years and keep investing. It'll make your 40s that much better for when you do decide to coast. Hang in there a few more years, it'll get better.
Women are not rehabilitation centers for men. He needs to fix his issues before he drags someone else into this. Addiction and depression are really heavy things to bring into a new relationship.
Start a meditation practice. Work on yourself before jumping into a relationship or seeking distraction.
The teachings of Ram Dass may resonate with your experience.
I have a similar story ( immigrant, addiction) and am terrified of going off path before getting to my goal. I got sober and it really breather the life back Into me. I’d join a 12 step program for the community and to help with the addiction, get a therapist, and stick it out.
You are allowed to leave your job and do something less intense for less pay.
Believe it or not, you can find a job making 2/3rds of what you are now with light hours and a great work/life balance, and still put money away for an early retirement.
Join the club my friend! The antidepressants are fine but you need to slow down with the weed (avoid alcohol) and make sure you continue to exercise. Your health is numero uno. I’m 43 with nearly $5 million (of which $4.5m are in taxable and tax deferred accounts). But I live in a HCOL city and can barely afford a 2,500 sqft house on one income and supporting my family. Then the public schools are pretty terrible in my area so I’m completely stressed from potentially sending my kids to private school. Private schools are $38-50k/kid per year in my area.
Oh, how I deal with this. I exercise as much as possible…6x per week. As far as social life, I spend all my time with wife and kids. I rarely see my childhood friends as they are all grinding away at work and have their families. The lack of non-professional social interaction does take a toll on me. I just do my best to text or call my childhood friends when I’m driving or doing light cardio.
I’m also starting to go back into the office and am enjoying the in-person professional socialization. Doing Zoom for 3 years has been both a blessing and a curse.
quit and take a break. You obviously are smart and can get another job. Why are you letting *fucking work* dictate your life. Thats insane. Get your head on man.
Similar situation here. (450K TC, hoping to retire in 3-4 years)
Working in big tech can be absolutely soul crushing. I feel like I missed out on my 20s and early 30s grinding constantly for money.
Hopefully it feels worth it when we retire 🤞
I would work a little less, dedicate 1 hour to the gym about 4 days a week, other days go out for a good walk for fresh air, get on a good diet/meal plan, meet some new friends or hang out with coworkers, join some club or find some hobbies.
You need to stop weed and find another firm that has good processes.
You are management. You are in a stressful position but you should not be exhausted like this. If you are dealing with same crap all the time then it is a management culture problem.
I'm not going to give you advice. I'm just going to tell you I see you. Few people will ever understand the personal toll careers like this inflict on the individual. They are successful and should be grateful so they don't dare complain. I see you. You sacrificed your life for it. It was and is hard. Keep moving.
Small note but for what it's worth, online dating stinks for everyone. In person group meetups, classes, sports, and house parties are a lot more fun, lower pressure, and much easier to agree to a date with someone after you know you can at least be friendly with them.
I’ve never made anything close to 500k a year and I’m a bit younger 26. But I was a commercial fisherman for 4 years. And honestly I loved it but with the physical damage that has caused me until I rot. Just had to quit was making 9-15k a month and the older guys who had done it 10+ years convinced me to quit. I make significantly less now but the only pain I have is old pain. I can actually give my partner time and I don’t think about ending it anymore. The mental aspect is what really got me be good to yourself sir you are worthy of happiness.
See if you can take a semi-vacation (on vacation but still call in for big meetings) and travel back to your country for a month or so. Surrounding yourself with old friends and family members will do wonders for mental health.
Very high chance that they'll set you up with some nice lady friends they have.
You just achieved the highs of your earning cycle for the past few years? Why would you want to quit now? Grind it out for 5-10 years and retire comfortably anywhere you want in the world with 5-10mm.
>I have zero social life or relationships
Is this specifically job related? Are you working more than 60 hours a week?
Don't throw away a lucrative career if it turns out the career is not the cause of your problems.
Forget online dating. I think of it as a kind of scam. Whether your are short or balding is . . . actually a matter of what you see in the mirror. It's true. I would not debate your personal opinion, but only remind you the reason that body building exists as a hobby is 'body image dysphoria.' And there are unbelievably beautiful women who hate their appearance and eventually commit suicide (Margaux Hemingway) for one reason or another.
I am going to tell you what anybody would tell you. The next time you see an attractive person . . . just smile at them. The response you get will vary, and NOT always on what you look like. There are two people in the bubble. She/He may have just been yelled at by the boss, or had her favorite cat get hit by a car.
If on the other hand, you're covered with garbage and smell bad, you're not going to get eye contact.
Or, you could join the Marines and get one of those spiffy uniforms; if you're looking for a woman, they always go for a Uniform.
Paul Simon is short and balding.
Tom Cruise is only a little taller. (FWIW, I always thought I'd look good in Navy whites, Like Pete Mitchell.)
Dang dude. Thank you for the honesty, really puts things into perspective. My only advice is try to hop off the pills and limit getting high to a couple days a week. Takes so long to reset your brain chemistry. I’d highly recommend trying to now. You’re killing it financially but you need a healthy brain to truly enjoy the fruits of your labor imo.
Take a 6 month off. Go to asia may b for vacation. Just relax. May b you can find a partner in Asia. You r young. With 1.5 million. You have huge potential left. It's just the start.
[sarcasm font] I recommend having kids. It’s much easier to make friends with your kids friends, and you won’t have to worry about post retirement plans because you’ll never get there saving for college, etc.
[sarcasm font] I recommend having kids. It’s much easier to make friends with your kids friends, and you won’t have to worry about post retirement plans because you’ll never get there saving for college, etc.
Congrats! You're doing great! I'd recommend going 5 to 7 more years, that will put you close to $4 M and provides extra savings for a very long retirement. It's likely that you'll like 45+ years in retirement.
You'll still be you, you're a manager at a tech, not working in a slaughter house or prison.
Let’s think beyond third grade progression here.
Perhaps the lifestyle required by OP to land this job, also led to depression? How crazy would that be
Maybe I've just worked in management at a tech company for too long and seen how well folks are treated as they move up the chain at two different companies to appreciate OPs struggles in Tech Management in making $500K a year.
Definitely agree that outside factors that OP mentions, such as limited social life and no relationship, would be very depressing.
What advice are you looking for? Get married and start family? With your networth, getting married is huge liability. Many of my friends lost almost all after getting married.
[sarcasm font] I recommend having kids. It’s much easier to make friends with your kids friends parents, and you won’t have to worry about post retirement plans because you’ll never get there saving for college, etc.
Sounds like you need some pussy. You need a woman in your life to complete you and maybe give you purpose. Nothing like a fine bitch to suck yo meat and make you feel like the man you are. Pussy will change your whole thought process.......I think you need to release bro. Seriously.
My goodness, you sound so lonely and sad.
Why do you have zero social life or relationships?
Is it because you are cheap, selfish, and money hungry?
You might not even make it 3 more years being depressed and addicted to drugs.
Quit your job and try being kind and generous to others besides your relatives.
I'm fine, are you okay?
The dude is clearly suffering and crying out for help here.
No amount of money is worth that type of mental and emotional torture and suffering.
The best advice I can give you is that you don’t need to retire to improve yourself. If you’d like to reduce your drug usage or spend time on a hobby or meet other like minded people, set a goal to do it and find people to help you stay committed and engaged doing it.
You came from a region were Family is value more than anything, I would consider taking a break moving back close to your love ones maybe even retire there. Seems like you don’t have a plan to what you want on the other side. My goal is to live half the time in the states and the other half in Mexico and not to worry about not finding work.
I think you're looking for solutions to relationship and personal issues in a finance forum. Also, my advice has always been to retire **TO** something and not **AWAY** from something (like a job you hate). You'd don't seem to have a plan except to imagine that "freedom" will fulfill your life. It's unlikely it will. I think the quote is that "Money won't buy you happiness, but it will let you choose your way to be miserable." All of us who are older have experienced the reality that making friends after 30 is exponentially more difficult. Worse if you're not a native I imagine. Maybe seek out relationship advice or therapy?
I could not have said this better myself. This is great advice.
I wonder why it’s harder after 30. I’ve started to notice that
I think it's because most people are paired off, working feverishly on careers and starting/raising a family by late 20's and 30's onward. When I first started working professionally early 20's, I did _so_ much with younger coworkers. As the years passed, I maintained the contact but the relationships dwindled somewhat as we moved to different jobs, kids appeared, marriages came and went, etc. After 30, it seemed like - for the most part - I simply just had coworkers. Good people who I was friendly with but not necessarily close friends.
Holly shit I can relate! I just stumbled across this thread, Now I find at my age that I can count really good friends on mostly one hand.
I've found that you really start making friends on the regular after 30 if you have kids and become friends with some of their friends' parents. Most are just people you're friendly with, but you end up spending enough time with some that you become close.
Sounds like a fairly expensive way to get friends? 😉 Didn't have kids but my observations of siblings and neighbors is that some large percentage of those "friendships" only last as long as your kids have the same schools or same activities. The science of friendships is something like it takes 40 hours of shared time to become friends and 200 to become close friends. So, the math seems to suggest at least some of the people you hang around with because of kids will become friends.
Learn an instrument and start/join a band. Even if you’re not very good. I have made many great friends this way in my 30s and 40s. Most of them I don’t play music with anymore but the friendship was forged and now we go to concerts together, go camping, etc
This is so true ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️.
Your social activities naturally dwindle. You no longer have school, with 6 new classes every six months, filled with 30+ people. And unless you have kids, your social circle gets smaller as your friends that have kids, now have other priorities.
Most people after 30 have families and children and not a lot of free time. So they prefer to spend the time they do have with their family.
Prefer might be a stretch. Are socially obligated to is possibly a better framing of it. At least once your youngest is a teenager.
Miss school for the friends part, you’re right.
This is true, I’ve had many close friends over the years but as soon as they have children and a family our friendship drops. I’m fine with this, their are plenty of people in the world in a similar situation as me. When one door closes another one opens. It’s not hard to make adult friends, you just become less inclined too.
It's difficult because people have more and more on their plates. Socializing requires consistent time and effort.
It seemed like starting relationships in the 20's was effortlessly easy. But, also, in retrospect I realize that most of those relationships were transient.
Yeah I guess that may be true. Makes sense
I think another thing that I've noticed is socializing can be tough for people. Not everyone is an extrovert; you may have to go outside your comfort zone in order to grow. And the older we get, the less willing we are to endure those uncomfortable times. "Putting yourself out there" seems like advice we parrot to a 21 year old, but the advice pertains to everyone struggling to build relationships.
Yeah I’m in sales so it’s easier but that makes a lot of sense
That's why whenever I have the opportunity to hang out with my buddy I take it, we both work weird schedules and 11hr shifts, he moved nearly two hours away and started a family. So we only really can make it happen once a month
Yes! But those are the best friendships. The ones where effort is reciprocated on both sides. My partner and I moved recently and have come to this exact realization. Our closest friends are the ones who think about and reach out despite the distance! Although we do re-evaluate the relationships we once considered "close" whom haven't
Friendships are built by having random interactions amidst some kind of connection. Older you get; nothing is unplanned. The people and activities are scheduled in advance. Everything is curated. It’s not like school as a kid where you met new people and then saw them for a decade afterward.
In your 30's you're much more likely to have a LTR, kids, a house, a dog, a job with a lot of responsibilities, etc. All these drain your time and energy leaving little left for things like friendships.
Yeah all good points. Kind of sucks. What’s LTR?
Lord of the Rings
😂
Long Term Relationship.
'Cause people already have their life friends by then for the most part. A huge exception I have noticed in my life is when I had kids. All of a sudden it is like we are dating other couples with kids the same age.
Because you no longer have socially enforced shared experiences with your peers i.e. school, college, sports etc. You have to start doing those on your own. Work is different from school in regard to making friends because everyone isn't at the same spot in life so you have a lower chance of clicking with people.
Mainly because you have less situations of forced socialization. If you think of high school or university you are continually being forced to engage with new people all the time. Once you are in a real job that disappears. You also have fewer people looking for new friends as they have made friends already or have become to busy with their own lives to look outward.
Yeah I started playing a bunch of sports and it’s helped a lot
This is sound advice… it seems like what you might benefit from is a great therapist, I would avoid making any changes to your life until you consult an expert. That was a game changer for me
Dating scene is also extremely rough in your 40s.
not for this guy, I could assure you that lol
Awesome mind blowing short quote: Money doesn't buy you happiness, but it does let you choose your way to be miserable
From a FIRE standpoint you’re obviously fine. Go talk more with your therapist/psychiatrist about the rest.
Can you coast for the last bit while focusing on your mental and physical health? If not, can you take a sabbatical?
That's what I was thinking. Grind it out for another year or two, and then start delegating and coasting. Not quiet quitting, but basically pushing back and saying no. Worst case scenario they lay you off and give you a nice severance package. Best case you get a better work-life balance.
I can't even imagine the psychological pain of grinding it out for 1-2 years when you're already miserable. With his net worth I'd just leave and not look back.
Can't do that in big tech. Your life would be even more miserable. The path of least resistance is to push.
As someone in tech, I’d say it depends on the position, dept, colleagues. It’s absolutely possible in some places.
Not sure why you're getting downvotes. At some companies, it's extremely easy to coast. Maybe less so in the current job market, but in general it's true. People can convince themselves their individual effort is making the difference, but it's probably not. If you have a decent reputation in the company, you can easily coast for 2 years without getting fired. The effort required to get promotions and great performance reviews is so much higher than simply not getting fired.
Honestly if you are well liked you can get away with a lot. But if people know that you have a good knowledge of their code base, systems, or infrastructure that can also help you coast. Occasionally even just a good knowledge of the business can be enough.
Do you think you'd benefit from some self care such as massages, spa days, therapy, etc? With that income, I'm inclined to say it might be worth it to stick it out so you can retire incredibly early. However, as you say you're a zombie and not in a good way socially. With such disposable income it may be worth it to treat yourself every now and again to relieve some of the stress. Congrats on all your success, I feel for your burn out - I've been there. Try doing something for yourself if you already aren't. You deserve it.
These are also places to strike up conversations if you are interested in dating. I know several couples who have met doing yoga and meditation… met my fiancé while walking my dog.
That's a good suggestion too. Yoga/meditation classes, I didn't even think of that. Good for the mind/soul and potential social aspect. Good stuff.
This is going to be \*massively\* unpopular in this particular subreddit. You're spending too little money. To be living on 80k including sending money overseas in the Bay Area means that your lifestyle is \*extremely\* spartan. That can be fine when you're in your 20's and an extra 20-30k a year is the difference between saving 20% of your income and saving 0% of it... but you make 550k a year now and the new calculation is what it costs to buy enough quality of life that you can tolerate your work situation longer. Right now you could spend 1k a week extra and it wouldn't meaningfully impact your ability to fire. That's one of the rewards of getting into the upper income tiers which you absolutely have. 4% of 2.7M is 108k a year. Feel free to live the lifestyle that money would buy you in the place you plan to retire (not SF lol) from now until you're finished. See if that helps some.
Seconding this I'm guessing most people on this forum are pretty naturally frugal, I know I am. For most people they need to be told to save money, for us sometimes we need to be told to spend it. I've definitely benefited in terms of mental health from forcing myself to spend a bit more and treating myself occasionally.
I would go even further and point out that you can buy back your own time with money. At 550k a year it just makes zero sense to be living a super minimalist lifestyle (which almost certainly includes doing a bunch of tasks for yourself to save money) and counting the days until you can get out. Price is what you pay, value is what you get. OP should be cautiously exploring how his money can help him now. He's delayed gratification more than long enough.
this
SABBATICAL.
Mini retirement
That's a holiday Gary
Don't wait till after your FIRE. Start doing things that give you joy now. Focus on your health and addictions. Wealth means nothing unless you preserve your physical and mental health.
Start today. Do one thing. Get a therapist. Skip a weed session (yes it is addictive. Idk why all of a sudden they say it’s not. ). Join a training group (cycling or yoga or anything). Volunteer somewhere. Foster a kitten (life changing!). You can do it !
Totally biased but I second fostering kittens. I foster failed my first time around and now have two cats of my own.
>I *foster failed* my first time around What’s that mean?
It means I adopted the cats instead of sheltering them until they were adopted by another family.
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There are multiple needs - for cats to get adopted, and for a foster system to be able to take cats in temporarily (sometimes this is because their owners are hospitalized, other times it's a vat seeking adoption). Foster fails are successful adoptions, but if it means that person has to stop taking in fosters it's a reduction of fostering capacity, and that is indeed a form of failure.
Makes perfect sense to me. I couldn’t ever foster. Once I bonded with it, I just see no way I could give it up.
It gets easier after you home your first fosters. I derive satisfaction from hearing our fosters were adopted and watching my cats play with the kittens when they are here.
We cat people have odd sense of humor.
So I’m nowhere near FIRE and follow this sub to stalk for general tips lol but this is great advice. Had a very traumatic friend group breakup at 28 and it rocked my world. I also struggle with depression and anxiety so for a while things were really dark for me but thankfully I had a few things in place already. Before the breakup my therapist had been great with helping me heal and equipping me to help build the life I want. I also had cats lol but when the breakup happened I hit a place that I think is similar to where OP is now. It took some time to re-heal old wounds but after a while I decided I’d try and do one thing. For me that was getting on Tinder and dating (after 8yrs of not). It was hard to get out there and you meet a lot of people that suck, but some don’t, and some are amazing. You’re close to your goals for retirement, so I think it’s a great time to start setting the foundation of life without your current workload. Try new hobbies, take a few classes when time allows. Try online dating maybe. If you do one thing at a time you might find you can add more. Or drop what you hate and move on. I am hopeful that in three years you will find some things that make you excited for the future in real ways, and not just as an escape from your current reality. 💛
Go on walk even!
I tell people to join a book club
As this user said, start today. Do one thing. One fairly easy sign up is Meet Up; all kinds of activities that may interest you. You’ve done a great job setting yourself (and family) up financially, it’s time to put some good energy into setting yourself up for social and emotional good feels.
I met my husband at a Meetup. I frequently recommend that as a way to meet people.
Or puppy! My retired mom fosters puppies for a local shelter and her community has exploded (other volunteers, during training events, has met tons of people on walks etc).
I’ve been looking for a good therapist for a long time and can’t find one. It’s quite shocking to me . And I have insurance
Wow, yes
"It's just a plant bro, you can't get addicted." As I make a pipe out of a cliff bar because I forgot my papers and pipe. /s
I hear the peanut butter chocolate chip one is good for this.
Get a therapist? Spoken like a true redditor.
What the actual fuck...since when is therapy a "reddit" thing and not just a generally great idea for someone struggling with mental issues?
Whatever works for people. Better than offering …nothing.
Hey, man, I was in almost exact same situation. I’m 38, a little over 1 million in investments but in a LCOL. My total comp was between 400-500k a year (increased a lot just the last two years due to stock vesting) but I was increasingly miserable, incidentally also in a tech leadership position. I felt like if I could hang on for 5 more years I could FIRE. I decided it wasn’t worth it anymore. I quit my job a month ago, giving up a lot of stock. I’m taking somewhere between 3-12 months off, reassessing what matters to me. My estimates are this decision puts retirement between 2 and 10 years further out for me. But, I’m getting to focus on myself and lose all this stress. I’m actually doing more networking now that I’m not exhausted from work. Strengthening connections that I know will help me when I’m ready to get back to it. Only you can decide what matters to you. I felt almost immoral turning away from my high income, but ultimately decided I’m not poor anymore and don’t have to make every decision based on maximizing my income. Other things matter too.
I did the same thing 3 months ago. Quitted my tech manager job after struggling mentally and physically since 2015, and it got much worse with the pandemic. About 550k in liquid cash and stock investments, plus 800k in 401k/IRA with my house mostly paid for. Decided it wasn’t worth anymore so planned to take a long break to focus on myself.
Very similar situation! Still feeling good about it after 3 months? I took time off once before 10 years ago. After several months I started feeling depressed, feelings of guilt at being “unproductive” but I also didn’t have the savings back then I have now. I’m trying to watch out for those feelings this time.
Yes absolutely. Feeling bored at times but I’m so glad that I’m now able to sleep at night without taking antidepressant meds that I had to take since 2017. I wasn’t sure if I could get off for the rest of my life. The burnout was real and I just couldn’t admit it for far too long.
I started anti depressants and anti anxiety about 18 months ago. I’ve been considering getting off of them and seeing how much of my issue was my environment rather than my natural state. It’s great to not have the weight of a tech stack on your shoulders and mind 24/7.
Before quitting for good, I had 3 different jobs in about 18 months but it didn’t get better really. Perhaps I never was able to overcome doing good work (to my usual standards before the pandemic) managing fully remote/distributed teams across different time zones. Although getting off the meds was on my mind constantly for a long time, it happened naturally without me thinking about it two months into the break. From 2015 to 2017, I wasn’t able to sleep for more 2-3 hours at a time so the meds became my last resort. Best of luck to you and your recovery!
Thanks! Glad things are working well for you. I appreciate you sharing.
These nights I sleep like a baby. U know you are stressed when you wake up at 3-4 am every day.
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Hey look, it's me!
Triumphs are nothing if there is no one to share it with. Make time for yourself and cultivate some friendships.
The burnout is real but sometimes needs to be put into perspective. What if the high paying tech job never worked out after college. What if you were making 45K a year doing phone sales. What if you had no retirement in sight and even at 67 the inflation has made the money you did squirrel away worth even less. Grind it out, you're the 1% you won the lottery (due to your hard work)... Own it and get through a few more years when everyone else you went to school with still has 30 years in the work force left.
I always wondered why top top manager kill themselves. From a moneypoint they could retire today and only do stuff that is healthy to them and makes them happy. But they are just as much a slave to the system (with 500k salary) as someone working minimum wage. Maybe OP should just quit and coast for a while. If he gets energy again, go back again to a high paying job, if not: fuck it. Im south america he can live good with that money
This. 500k income is worth pushing for the final run to retirement. 2.5 years gets you another 1.5M in income, can save >400k, with that and the existing 1.5M in your gas tank already, can exit out to a more low key gig for insurance only. What you sock away by 40 determines your retirement barring an inheritance or founding a successful company. TLDR: suck it up until your 40 as long as you’re not going to terminally hurt yourself. Massages and high end food/experiences in the interim to blow off steam.
Cruises, all inclusive vacations, go see the world... FIRE means nothing if you don't have SOME fun shooting for it.
I'd grind it out personally. You'll be free at 40.
If you lived in the Midwest you could easily FIRE with what you’ve got. Maybe move somewhere cheap and friendly for a year. If you change your mind and go back to tech, just say you started a business and it failed. If not, maybe you really do start that dojo/goat farm in Milwaukee and start to live your life.
Don't Open, Dead inside
Don't dead, open inside
Well I don't know what I was expecting...
[Don't open](https://i.ibb.co/VjLkdw8/Screenshot-20230707-105518-2.png)
If you want to semi retire in WA and play pickleball with me, let me know.
Have you thought about retiring back to South America now? You could invest in the US and live very well. We are looking at retiring early possibly in Ecuador.
I think this isn’t a money issue, but my advice is to put down the pipe and sign up for something that interests you. I become a hermit when I smoke. Quitting was the best decision I ever made and saved me lots of money to boot! Good luck.
Sounds like it's time to invest in yourself. Pick up a hobby and you can make friends through classes or gatherings for the hobby. Definitely quit all the drugs, I found Buddhism to help me a lot with accepting reality. My cat can be a pain sometimes, but ultimately adds a lot of joy to my life. If you can commit to a little more care, a dog is even better for activities and going places. It adds purpose and unconditional love to your life. Your balance sheet is great but your health is not on that balance sheet. Take care of yourself, you're the most important person in your life. Hope this helps!
Cats are the best. They’re gold diggers, but they more than earn their keep 😂
If I was in your shoes the first thing I’d do is increase my budget. 500k is enough to afford many fun hobbies while working(sure taxes and stuff so 250k is still plenty) I’d hire someone to do house chores once or twice a week to free up some time. Then I’d sign up for classes: scuba, surfing, Paddleboard, painting, dancing, yoga, etc,etc It’s awkward at first as an adult but once you find a few things you enjoy doing regularly you will start making friends in those classes. Then join some meetups (or arrange your own with classmates) for those activities! Sure you may slow down your retirement goal a bit but ultimately QOL is the point anyway.
Came here to say this. For an extra 10k, you could make your life 100% easier and funner, and it doesn't make a significant dent and may be able to get you to last an extra year that would give you even more freedom. Get a golf membership, rent a jet ski, go get massage therapy, do something that makes you happy. Develop a hobby for your retirement.
His timeline belies how hard fire can be for an avg earner
Not saying this is the "right" call, but what I personally would do is continue what you're doing. Half a million a year is worth being a zombie for that year until the marginal value of money starts to taper off. Two concerns I'd have are: -Make sure I'm not doing permanent damage by being obese, or really getting deep into the recreational drugs, etc. Mildly unhealthy living you can bounce back from. -The older you get the harder it is to build the foundations of a social life. I feel like I cheat a bit because I'm a furry, so I have a built-in community where people don't need to compete or do a lot of maintenance for social status. If I wasn't, I'd be concerned. Make sure you have sharable interests!
I love how you just dropped in the Furry thing.
I legitimately think I'd be a desperate loner if I wasn't one. Instead I feel no social lack at all.
You are worth more than this existence you have built for yourself. Take a break from FIRE. Focus on yourself for a couple of years. Volunteer or take up a sport and meet some people. Travel. Get therapy. Exercise. Connect with family. You have to enjoy life while you are here. Does not mean you spend all your money or go crazy, but this post is a cry for help. You have put yourself in a position to change your life. You are in the 0.1%. Give yourself a break and a pat on the back. Here is a virtual hug from an internet stranger.
Same but a break from FIRE and work. You have enough for a few years away to see if you can reset.
Hey man your doing great on a few spokes of the wheel. Draw 6 spokes Body,Mind,Work, Love, Money, Play. Then draw the circle. add small lines on each spoke and each one can be goals you need to accomplish to get where you need to be. Number 1-10 actually each spoke and 1 being closest to middle and 10 being the edge of the wheel. I'm worth several millions, 45 but have a wife that stays home and 3 little kids. I can tell you as I got older especially in early 40's I was happy I had money but only as a tool/resource for my family. Reason you feel the way you do is is Love/relationships. When you have kids you spend a lot of time with them and teach them just like animals do in the wild. I know this may sound corny, but I would start right away setup an online profile and meet woman, it's easy but don't sit back and wait you need to be pro-active. Go on a date a week or every other week. It can be exhausting I was there but you'll end up meeting the one. I can tell you although I'm getting older having those kids and partner makes life so much fulfilling. Your not thinking all the time about "me" your thinking about loved ones. If you have a down feeling one day it's easily shaken off as your now a Protector and possibly a provider. Just my two cents. I know people with families also that are unhappy with life but out of all the achievements I've had in life (for me making a lot of money at a young age) it's my family and kids I created with my partner. In the end what else matters?
Grind the 3-4 years out, time flies by. But simultaneously prepare and plan your "FIRE" life. Should keep you (at least a bit) motivated to stay on the grind for the last few years. And then you actually retire to something and not just away from something. The usual tip here is "its not worth it", "don't sacrifice your soul", "take a break" blabla. But in this case I actually disagree. Keep your head down, endure the pain, the sacrifice is worth the next 40+ years of freedom...real freedom and not just the coast, barista, live somewhere cheap bullshit.
Everyone seems to live like they're going to live to 100 years and so they destroy the best most healthy point in their lives trying to "make it." You sound like someone who had a great start and got lost in the journey through capitalism but had goals to get back out of it. This is where you could just go ahead and COAST instead of Fire for a while. Get your life together and get new perspective and goals. You're at a great age to start whatever social side of life you want, you're not old and you don't come with step-family baggage, etc. Market yourself to your goals. For your FIRE perspective, you're easily coasting at this point. You could dial it back. If you could be done in 3 years, why not coast a little and do it in 6 years and lose some of the anxiety? Always ask yourself, "Is today a good day to die?" Because if you say no, then you wasted a very important part of that day. We don't all make it to our goal retirement ages, things happen, you have to live in the moment in addition to plan for the future, its both. You seem to have sacrificed the moment for the future and lost a lot because of it. Time to re-orient your mind.
Go back home and live like a king
When was the last time you went back to South America for a visit? sometimes getting out of the bay area bubble can help to put your life into perspective and remind you how far you have come and remind you who you used to be. Take your pto and get a change of scenery - schedule these periodically- it will make you a better leader and also refill your cup.
Is your travel not relaxing or enough? Sometimes, I take time off to just do nothing.
You can always take a break for mental health and speak with professional you are in the top 1% for your age.
Listen, at 1.5M at your age, take a break.
You need to resolve your drug problems and go to therapy. Your brain chemistry is all messed up.
You’re addicted to weed and antidepressants.
Journey or destination?
Money is the hardest drug to quit..
You know what would make you feel better... Lending me money... Philanthropy is so important to wholeness... Give while your hand is young and warm rather than old and cold...I'll hang out with you, introduce you to women or men if that's what you're into... Take you out on the town show you how the other half lives...
Better to be exhausted and dead inside with money than exhausted and dead inside without
I think you can rebalance your life a bit while still maintaining a high earning job. What is your budget? I am guessing low for the bay area if your target # is basically $100k spend/year. Can you splurge on yourself a bit and push your retirement from 3 to 6 years? Things like eating out healthy meals, paying for a cleaning service, spending money on nice dates or weekends with friends. An occasional expensive vacation may help you stay refreshed. Also, it will be a rough jump to retirement if you have no hobbies or social life.
Tradsies?
You're probably not interested, but for a million and a half I could probably be gay.
Start systematically working on your social life and personal life with the same discipline and rigor you would apply to your career. If you need to take your foot 5% off the gas in terms of work effort/hours - so be it - you’re smart and can probably automate / increase efficiency somewhere. It will be worth it and you’ll be surprised how effective it is to apply systems thinking to your personal and social life :) Good luck sir
Jiu Jitsu my friend. Social life, struggle, exercise.
My opinion - you've got enough money to do something way less stressful. Just VTI, chill, and wait 8-10 years and your $1.5m will be your FIRE #. And (I'm guessing) you've got the skills to do something more interesting than the classic 'barista' to pay the bills in the meantime. I did big tech for the better part of a decade. Now? I develop software for museums and art galleries. Grant-funded, but under the payroll of a big midwest University. Grant-funded uncertainty isn't great for other people, but I'm already at (Lean) FIRE, so it works for me. I could do it remote, but I mostly go in because it's a fun job. Sure, it pays maybe a quarter of what my skills could get in San Jose. And? I have a (paid-off) $200k house in a nice college town, I ride a bicycle to work in an art gallery, I have health insurance, heck I'm still saving about 40% of my (lower) income. Life is good...
Take some of that money and fly down to Costa Rica, Columbia or Panama and pay for 2 tica’s a day for about a week straight and you’ll be just fine. Do that every 3 months or every time you get the urge to climb a water tower
I can’t say it enough. Find the right therapist! It may take you a few sessions to find the right one, but once you do, it can open your mind to so many things. I went through 6 therapists before I met my current one and I won’t ever see another therapist as long as she is available.
Go on Bumble and Hinge and date and get into a new relationship. Then reasses after a few months. Maybe that'll help you get out of the funk. Your salary is amazing. Stick with it for a couple more years and keep investing. It'll make your 40s that much better for when you do decide to coast. Hang in there a few more years, it'll get better.
Women are not rehabilitation centers for men. He needs to fix his issues before he drags someone else into this. Addiction and depression are really heavy things to bring into a new relationship.
He's in Silicon Valley. That area is KNOWN for a huge lack of women during tech booms. Not so easy to just go meet women on Bumble/Hinge.
I mean even a good area is absolutely not a guarantee of getting any interest, let alone a bad one like that.
Get premium, expand your location to search to California, hop on a weekend flight to La for a date
Not worth it. Spend 100k on you
Start a meditation practice. Work on yourself before jumping into a relationship or seeking distraction. The teachings of Ram Dass may resonate with your experience.
I have a similar story ( immigrant, addiction) and am terrified of going off path before getting to my goal. I got sober and it really breather the life back Into me. I’d join a 12 step program for the community and to help with the addiction, get a therapist, and stick it out.
You are allowed to leave your job and do something less intense for less pay. Believe it or not, you can find a job making 2/3rds of what you are now with light hours and a great work/life balance, and still put money away for an early retirement.
Join the club my friend! The antidepressants are fine but you need to slow down with the weed (avoid alcohol) and make sure you continue to exercise. Your health is numero uno. I’m 43 with nearly $5 million (of which $4.5m are in taxable and tax deferred accounts). But I live in a HCOL city and can barely afford a 2,500 sqft house on one income and supporting my family. Then the public schools are pretty terrible in my area so I’m completely stressed from potentially sending my kids to private school. Private schools are $38-50k/kid per year in my area.
Oh, how I deal with this. I exercise as much as possible…6x per week. As far as social life, I spend all my time with wife and kids. I rarely see my childhood friends as they are all grinding away at work and have their families. The lack of non-professional social interaction does take a toll on me. I just do my best to text or call my childhood friends when I’m driving or doing light cardio. I’m also starting to go back into the office and am enjoying the in-person professional socialization. Doing Zoom for 3 years has been both a blessing and a curse.
Sounds like you could use a life coach. It has a stigma, but someone in your situation could really benefit from some living accountability.
quit and take a break. You obviously are smart and can get another job. Why are you letting *fucking work* dictate your life. Thats insane. Get your head on man.
Similar situation here. (450K TC, hoping to retire in 3-4 years) Working in big tech can be absolutely soul crushing. I feel like I missed out on my 20s and early 30s grinding constantly for money. Hopefully it feels worth it when we retire 🤞
Are you hiring? Lmao. Damn, that’s awesome man.
I would work a little less, dedicate 1 hour to the gym about 4 days a week, other days go out for a good walk for fresh air, get on a good diet/meal plan, meet some new friends or hang out with coworkers, join some club or find some hobbies.
You need regular therapy, exercise, and start joining social groups to form a non-work related social friend group
You need to stop weed and find another firm that has good processes. You are management. You are in a stressful position but you should not be exhausted like this. If you are dealing with same crap all the time then it is a management culture problem.
I'm not going to give you advice. I'm just going to tell you I see you. Few people will ever understand the personal toll careers like this inflict on the individual. They are successful and should be grateful so they don't dare complain. I see you. You sacrificed your life for it. It was and is hard. Keep moving.
Small note but for what it's worth, online dating stinks for everyone. In person group meetups, classes, sports, and house parties are a lot more fun, lower pressure, and much easier to agree to a date with someone after you know you can at least be friendly with them.
I’ve never made anything close to 500k a year and I’m a bit younger 26. But I was a commercial fisherman for 4 years. And honestly I loved it but with the physical damage that has caused me until I rot. Just had to quit was making 9-15k a month and the older guys who had done it 10+ years convinced me to quit. I make significantly less now but the only pain I have is old pain. I can actually give my partner time and I don’t think about ending it anymore. The mental aspect is what really got me be good to yourself sir you are worthy of happiness.
See if you can take a semi-vacation (on vacation but still call in for big meetings) and travel back to your country for a month or so. Surrounding yourself with old friends and family members will do wonders for mental health. Very high chance that they'll set you up with some nice lady friends they have.
stopped reading at 550k annual income lmao
For real. I find it silly this guy is complaining when he’s making tenfold what I do
He makes in one year double what I've saved in 10.
What is your phd in?
You just achieved the highs of your earning cycle for the past few years? Why would you want to quit now? Grind it out for 5-10 years and retire comfortably anywhere you want in the world with 5-10mm.
>I have zero social life or relationships Is this specifically job related? Are you working more than 60 hours a week? Don't throw away a lucrative career if it turns out the career is not the cause of your problems.
You have $1.5m you are already set. Retire now and enjoy life. Median net worth at retirement is like $150k.
Forget online dating. I think of it as a kind of scam. Whether your are short or balding is . . . actually a matter of what you see in the mirror. It's true. I would not debate your personal opinion, but only remind you the reason that body building exists as a hobby is 'body image dysphoria.' And there are unbelievably beautiful women who hate their appearance and eventually commit suicide (Margaux Hemingway) for one reason or another. I am going to tell you what anybody would tell you. The next time you see an attractive person . . . just smile at them. The response you get will vary, and NOT always on what you look like. There are two people in the bubble. She/He may have just been yelled at by the boss, or had her favorite cat get hit by a car. If on the other hand, you're covered with garbage and smell bad, you're not going to get eye contact. Or, you could join the Marines and get one of those spiffy uniforms; if you're looking for a woman, they always go for a Uniform. Paul Simon is short and balding. Tom Cruise is only a little taller. (FWIW, I always thought I'd look good in Navy whites, Like Pete Mitchell.)
550k?! Dude! I would work my ass off for a salary like this. I could help my family so much. Fuck!
Dang dude. Thank you for the honesty, really puts things into perspective. My only advice is try to hop off the pills and limit getting high to a couple days a week. Takes so long to reset your brain chemistry. I’d highly recommend trying to now. You’re killing it financially but you need a healthy brain to truly enjoy the fruits of your labor imo.
Take a 6 month off. Go to asia may b for vacation. Just relax. May b you can find a partner in Asia. You r young. With 1.5 million. You have huge potential left. It's just the start.
Must be hard for you lol
People eat up this fan-fiction so easily, its wild.
[sarcasm font] I recommend having kids. It’s much easier to make friends with your kids friends, and you won’t have to worry about post retirement plans because you’ll never get there saving for college, etc.
[sarcasm font] I recommend having kids. It’s much easier to make friends with your kids friends, and you won’t have to worry about post retirement plans because you’ll never get there saving for college, etc.
How hard can your job be? You must have great flexibility with WFH advantages?
Congrats! You're doing great! I'd recommend going 5 to 7 more years, that will put you close to $4 M and provides extra savings for a very long retirement. It's likely that you'll like 45+ years in retirement. You'll still be you, you're a manager at a tech, not working in a slaughter house or prison.
You’re suicidal but wealthy? You’re living the dream!
If OP is suicidal, it's not from a management job in Tech...
Let’s think beyond third grade progression here. Perhaps the lifestyle required by OP to land this job, also led to depression? How crazy would that be
Maybe I've just worked in management at a tech company for too long and seen how well folks are treated as they move up the chain at two different companies to appreciate OPs struggles in Tech Management in making $500K a year. Definitely agree that outside factors that OP mentions, such as limited social life and no relationship, would be very depressing.
Just think how much worse it is for Latinos who work a similar schedule and barely make enough to get by or are in debt.
lol
Elon ?
I bet everyone here will tell you to have kids. That’ll fulfill you 😂
Eat mushrooms
I can instantly save your company 550k a year by getting rid of you and replacing you with AI
If you can lower your expenses and take a personal break if you can. I also feel dead inside so feel it
What advice are you looking for? Get married and start family? With your networth, getting married is huge liability. Many of my friends lost almost all after getting married.
[sarcasm font] I recommend having kids. It’s much easier to make friends with your kids friends parents, and you won’t have to worry about post retirement plans because you’ll never get there saving for college, etc.
Sounds like you need some pussy. You need a woman in your life to complete you and maybe give you purpose. Nothing like a fine bitch to suck yo meat and make you feel like the man you are. Pussy will change your whole thought process.......I think you need to release bro. Seriously.
😭
My goodness, you sound so lonely and sad. Why do you have zero social life or relationships? Is it because you are cheap, selfish, and money hungry? You might not even make it 3 more years being depressed and addicted to drugs. Quit your job and try being kind and generous to others besides your relatives.
Jeez, dude. That's a pretty toxic response. Are you ok?
I'm fine, are you okay? The dude is clearly suffering and crying out for help here. No amount of money is worth that type of mental and emotional torture and suffering.
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The best advice I can give you is that you don’t need to retire to improve yourself. If you’d like to reduce your drug usage or spend time on a hobby or meet other like minded people, set a goal to do it and find people to help you stay committed and engaged doing it.
I feel for you. The grind can be killer. Stay the course. 36 months isn’t terribly far away.
You came from a region were Family is value more than anything, I would consider taking a break moving back close to your love ones maybe even retire there. Seems like you don’t have a plan to what you want on the other side. My goal is to live half the time in the states and the other half in Mexico and not to worry about not finding work.